Ask Uncle Tusk

The Ask Uncle Tusk logo

Ask Uncle Tusk was a section of the official Rare website. On it, users could send "Uncle Tusk" (referring to one of the player characters of Killer Instinct 2) various questions regarding games, and "Uncle Tusk" would respond, typically in a comical or morbid manner. Many entries on this site relate to various video games featuring Donkey Kong, though questions regarding games in the broader Super Mario franchise were occasionally asked. Ask Uncle Tusk frequently delved into sexually explicit material (usually regarding members of the Kong family), though the use of expletives was even more prevalent.

Website descriptions[edit]

The description for Ask Uncle Tusk was modified at least three times: once for what was presumably the original description, a second time in 2000, and a third in 2001.

Okay, so he might look like a mindless heavyweight killing machine with a penchant for extreme violence. You're just going to judge him by that, are you? Just going to assume he doesn't have a sensitive bone in his body? Well, how do you know he's not just a big kitten underneath all that berserker rage and brutality? Maybe all he really wants to do is help people face up to their everyday Rare gaming problems, offer them a shoulder to cry on when they're trapped by a time limit or pleading for power-ups. So go on, ask him, he won't bite (and we'll pay for the damage if he does).

We're sure that Uncle Tusk's widespread fan base will be pleased to see him back in action after an impromptu 'holiday' from the endless stream of idiot questions. Thanks to an anonymous tip-off, we finally found him curled up under a bush next to a railway line just outside London, still trying to sleep off the effects of his slightly excessive New Year celebrations, whatever they might have been (we don't dare ask). The big waster. Anyway, he's back and as ready as he'll ever be to tackle your Rare gaming queries, so if you've got one of your own, let us know. He might even sort it out for you. But we're promising nothing.

Every day he comes up with new reasons to put it off, but if we're paying him to keep this jolly little gaming advice column updated then he'll ruddy well do it, even if it takes us months on end to convince him. Mind, we always feel sorry for the poor fellow when he opens his mailbox and we see the kind of drivel he has to deal with. Anyway, if you've got a problem with a Rare game and you need an answer straight from the barbarian's mouth, send it here. If you're lucky, you'll get a useful response; whether you're lucky or not, you'll get sworn at and threatened. Bless.

Entries relating to the Super Mario franchise[edit]

Dear Tusk Person,

Ok, I beat Diddy Kong Racing on both adventures, and I got T.T. But, when I beat the second Wizpig on adventure 2, it gave me the same ending as in adventure 1! Wizpig came back, and it said, to be continued. So, how do I get the ending where he doesn't come back? What do I get when I beat those times that you give me when I beat the second adventure? Thanks, uhh, Tusk.

Fidika (Fidika@aol.com)

Uncle Tusk replies: The second ending is conveniently hidden in a different game. That's how very, very clever we are. So you'll have to wait for Wizpig's second coming before you can attempt to skin his sausages for good. And the times are T.T.'s ultimate records, if I'm not very much mistaken, which I hope for your sake I'm not. Why don't you beat them and see? Too soft, or something?

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Were the DKC 3 team fans of Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer? When you beat KAOS for the second time and K.Rool^[sic] comes onto the screen he says^[sic] "My wife's going to kill me!" Is this a reference to The Smell Of Reeves & Mortimer?

Marcus Finn

Uncle Tusk replies: Not at all, no. In fact here's^[sic] the designer responsible to properly refute your claims: "Hi there, Greg Mitchell here. I'm sorry to say that that particular reference is just a pure coincidence, a very pure one indeed and has nothing to do with watching too much Vic and Bob. Oh no, what have I said! My wife's going to kill me, oh no no no no!" Note for those not 'in the know': his name's not Greg Mitchell really. It's a joke. He also mentioned that you shouldn't go thinking there are any Fast Show references in the game either.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

"Info on DKR2? Nope. None at all. Mainly because we're not doing it." So that whole cliff hanger ending, the "To Be Continued" fiasco was nothing but a bloody lie? Why can't you do a DKR2? Because you're too d@mn^[sic] lazy? Because you're too busy making Perfect Dark? Let's take a look at the list of games you're making (as a company):

1: Donkey Kong Country 64
2: Twelve Tales: Conker 64
3: Conker's Pocket Tales
4: Banjo-Tooie
5: Jet Force Gemini
6: Perfect Dark
7: TIPTUP 64 (yes, you ARE making it)
8: And you may or may not have a minor role in Nintendo's upcoming Smash Brothers and Mario Party (if you supply the DK 3-D model like in Mario Kart 64)

While these may be mucho games in development for a "small" company like Rare, that's no excuse! You already promised us a sequel when the freakin^[sic] game ended. DKR introduced us to characters like Banjo, Conker, and TIPTUP. Wizpig is still alive, plotting for his revenge, and you expect us to forget that? Stop doing PD if you have to! Viva DKR!

SirSlush2@aol.com

Uncle Tusk replies: Just because it says 'To Be Continued' doesn't mean that the game in which it's continued has to be DKR2, does it? Aren't we allowed to use our own characters in other games? Or what? Has someone passed a law against it since we last checked? Do you want your face kicked off? And while you can definitely scrub that scabby little turtle from the list of games we're working on, you could also add one or two more... if only you knew what they were. Har har.

Hey Tusky Boy,

I read in your Tusk questions "The N64 incarnation of DKC would have arrived in shiny 3D, if only we hadn't been forced to CAN the project so that everyone involved could go and make tea and sandwiches for the Perfect Dark team." Please tell me that by the phrase "can the project" means that Donkey Kong Country 64 is not being cancelled (did I mention that the DKC series are my fave games of all time) but merely put on hold. It would be totally stupid to not have a Donkey Kong Country game on the N64 because it was so popular on the Super NES. I and many people I know would much rather play a N64 version of the DKC dynasty. In short it would be bloody stupid to cancel DKC64. Please hurry and reassure me that it is still going to come out before I have a panic attack.

An Australian Donkey Kong fanatic

Uncle Tusk replies: I'm not surprised you didn't leave your real name. Does the total absence of other letters expressing the same concern tell you anything? Yes. That's right. I deleted them all, made up a load of new ones to fill the space then spent hours piecing together a fake DK64 screenshot just to keep your hopes intact. Duh.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

OK, I promise you won't have to bother a designer/programmer/janitor to answer this one. You mentioned something about what they say about people with big swords and that it was probably right. I hate to tell you, but what "they" say about people with big swords is that they have the swords to compensate for their "time and peanuts" if you get my drift. (If you don't, check out the Snippets and reply from one of the previous Scribes.) Oh yeah, when is Super Mario RPG 2 coming out? I feel some venting coming on...

EpitomeP@aol.com

Uncle Tusk replies: Actually, the one I was thinking of was "People with big swords are much more inclined to hack the legs off cocky little AOL users." Surprising how much truth there is to some of these old proverbs.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I cannot access the DKC3 codes because www.nintendo.com has an error in their code bank. I've tried telling them, but they don't listen...hell! I've even given them the codes I can remember!! Please publish this! I can't remember the code to get 105%!

42347RICKS@att.net

Uncle Tusk replies: We've covered this at least twice before, inattentive gibbon. Check the July 7 edition. TUFST is the code for the hardest game mode that allows you to reach 105%, HARDR for a slightly less mental version and a possible 104%. MUSIC and COLOR are worth trying, too, as is ARSES, which replaces Dixie and Kiddy's heads with giant buttocks. Possibly.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

In Diddy Kong Racing, I have earned T.T. and Drumstick, beaten Adventure 2 with all gold medals, and I have mastered the record times. So, what was left to do? WELL, you people over at Rare need not come up with some 50-course attachment for hardcore DKR players, for I have made up a somewhat interesting mode of play! This 'game' I have made up is a version of hide-and-seek. You get two players, and have one person hide somewhere while the other person waits. Then, the 'seeker' tries to find the person who was hiding. I tried this with my friend, and we got a KICK out of this. You British coffee sippers can pull out that million seller racing game once more and try it. You'll either thank me or sue me, but the former is preferred.

Stephen Hilber

P.S. The top three courses are Star City, Jungle Falls, and Windmill Plains. In the first two, you can actually go onto the skyscrapers and grassy cliffs!

Uncle Tusk replies: Not bad. Other popular variations you could try are Ram Pipsy Into The Wall mode, Destroy Pipsy With Heavy Weaponry mode, and that old multiplayer favourite, Whoever Picks Pipsy Gets Beaten Up mode. All big crowd-pleasers, so I'm told. Anyone else care to share their own quirky little twists on an otherwise-exhausted Rare product? As you can imagine, I'd be absolutely over the moon to receive them. Mmmm, yes.

Oiled and Raincoated Uncle Tusk,

It seems quite likely that you were just messing with wee JasonW's head in your Octr 23 column/hatefest. Or perhaps you were planting seeds of absurd rumours so that you may later denounce them with scorn. If, on the other hand, there really IS a secret driving technique to greatly increase speed in DKR, d'you think you could see your way to passing it on? Many thanks for spot-on games and the ever-amusing image of your tusky frame kicking the face off some spotty little prannet.

Kat

Uncle Tusk replies: Glad to be of service. Here's the DKR man. "There is a technique that can be used but it is a mystery as to whether or not it will work all the time. It involves tapping the A Button in a rhythmic fashion. The longer you do this, the faster and faster you go, allowing you to create some ridiculous times. It was in a version before the final version was released, but I'm not too sure that it's in the version everyone has bought."

Now he tells me.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

You've got to help me!! That Conker the squirrel is coming to kill me!! Just look at its adorable eyes!! Look at it's^[sic] hideous face!! It dosen't^[sic] change or move!! LOOK AT IT!!! LOOOK AAAT IIIT!!!! By the way.....If Diddy Kong Racing is said to have "all my favorite Rare characters", Where^[sic] are you and Fulgore? Please help me,

John (coradillon@sprint.ca)

Uncle Tusk replies: Tempting as it is to drop misleading hints about me and the metal baboon being hidden away somewhere on Sherbet Island, somehow I know that the avalanche of mail I'd get from the gullible idiots among you just wouldn't be worth it. Don't worry about Conker. If he gets it into his head to come after you, there's nothing you can do to stop him. Born killer, that one.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

How do you make Squitter's web bridges in Donkey Kong Land 3! Please tell me! I need to get to the lost world!!! Thank you

Rafael Garcia (rgone111@email.msn.com)

Uncle Tusk replies: You fire a web as normal, then you press Select when it's reached the place you want your platform. It couldn't be simpler. Are you thick, boy? Haven't you read the manual?

Dear Uncle Tusk,

In a pathetic attempt to impress my girlfriend, I finished Diddy Kong Racing, with a blindfold over my eyes, cotton wool in my ears, and only using the vibrations of the Rumble Pak to guide me. She took advantage of my temporary sensory deprivation to run off with my german shepherd^[sic], Alan. Women, eh?

My question is this;^[sic]

Life- What's it all about?

Do hope you can sort that one out, thanks ever so,

Abagail Nostradamus III

Uncle Tusk replies: Women, yeah. Don't talk to me about women. And life - whoa, life, yeah, know what you mean. Hang on though. You've got a woman's name, like that big bloke from Final Fight, who was obviously a transvestite anyway. So why are you on about women? And dogs as well? What are you, some kind of pervert? Do you want a kicking?

Hi Tusk!

My grandson and I have been playing Diddy Kong since Christmas and cannot find the key in World 16 (Dino Domain). We have searched Boulder Canyon, Haunted Woods, etc.. to no avail. Please give us a clue where the key is. We have gone thru each world backwards, forwards except Boulder Canyon. Please, please help. Thanks,

Barbara Rabe and Brett

Uncle Tusk replies: I take it you mean Dragon Forest, not Dino Domain. After all, saying Dino Domain when you meant Dragon Forest would just be stupid. Anyway, here's DKR's designer again: "The key you're looking for is on Boulder Canyon! Cross the drawbridge and you'll see the bell. When you ring the bell, turn around to see the drawbridge rise. If you look up the raised drawbridge, you can see a platform high above on which you'll find the key! Power up the Blue Balloons until you have a fully powered up boost, ring the bell so the drawbridge rises and then boost up the bridge."

Hey Uncle Tusk,

I was wondering how you and the rest of the Rare gang get along. You know, Conker, Banjo, Diddy and so on.....Some people are saying that you're getting surprisingly close to Pipsy in some late night conversations. Could you please tell the world what's really going on? Thank you,

Dirk Diggler

Uncle Tusk replies: What? Talking to Pipsy? Are you delusional, man? Don't you realise she's just a made-up character? I'd have to be seriously sick before I started talking to made-up characters, you lunatic.

Dear what's your name,

In Diddy Kong Racing there is a key in every level, Dino Domain, Sherbert Island, Dragonwood Forest (Eh? - Tusk) etc. Now there is one exception, or is there? My question (hopefully apparent) is, is there a key in Future Funland, and if so I think that I have seen the hole where it is supposed to be - just to the right of the starting line in Spaceport Alpha. The information that I would be honored to have is what do I have to do to get the key in Spaceport Alpha so that I can access the key door in the open space in the lobby in Future Funland, and don't tell me it is not real because I know that it is just the kind of secret you phsychos^[sic] would put in a game.

Robert Buttmunch

Uncle Tusk replies: 'Phsychos', are we? At least none of us share your unhygienic hole fetish. Anyway, there's no Battle Track in Future Fun Land, as you'd have found out last time if you'd been paying attention - it was removed when the game structure was rearranged late in the day. So yes, there was a key in that little hole at one point, but not any more.

Hey Tusk,

What's going on with Bumper in the character selection screen of DKR? Who does he think he is, Peewy Herman^[sic]? I find it disgusting that he is performing indecent acts on a world-wide distributed video game. You need to knock him around a little - set him straight!

Eric

Uncle Tusk replies: DKR's designer had no decent explanation to offer. "You're right," he admitted. "The badger probably does deserve a beating, the perverted scum."

Hey Tusk!

I have read somewhere that in DKC 3 it is possible to get 105%. I have 103% having found all the banana birds, beaten the Lost World, and found all the DK and Bonus Coins. What next?

Invader200 (Invader200@aol.com)

Uncle Tusk replies: I posed this to a DKC3 designer, who was so sensitive to your needs that he went home and checked up on this without me having to threaten violence of any sort: "Okay, switch the game on and select any one of the three save slots. Now press L,R,R,L,R,R,L,R,L,R. Once this is done, 'Enter Code' should appear. In the same fashion as entering your name, enter the code TUFST and you should hear Dixie cry. Now when you play the game, all the DK barrels have gone as well as the halfway mark Star Barrels. If you can finish the game and find everything as in a 103% game, it will add a bonus 2% to your score and you can see the secret ending and rating! "If TUFST is too tough, try HARDR which only removes the DK barrels, but only allows you to get 104% - smart eh?"

Uncle Tusk,

OK, in DKR, I cannot find the last silver coin on Frosty Village on Adventure Two (Mirror Mode). It's just not there! I found the ones on either side of the finish line, I found the ones on either side of the entrance to the foggy bit, I found the one hidden behind the slope going down to the houses, I found the one next to the houses, and I found another one somewhere (but I can't remember where). Are the DKR team just being really mean, or is it actually in there? Eh?

Alex Duin (nduin@dircon.co.uk)

Uncle Tusk replies: Of course it's in there, you spanner^[sic]. See if this helps: "You really need to explore every bit of the level. Have you looked behind the giant trees in the foggy area? Have you checked in the tunnel behind the waterfall? Have you looked around the stone bridge and in front of all the houses?"

Dear Uncle Tusk,

In the DKR intro sequence, Bumper is shown flying through the lower path in the Fossil Canyon valley, while a cheerful looking yellow Tyrannosaurus Rex type dinosaur runs alongside on the upper path. Does said dinosaur actually appear in the game anywhere? At all? Or am I right in thinking that he's been cruelly left out of the real action? Poor thing, he must have been so disappointed...

Yellow T-Rex appreciation society

Uncle Tusk replies: He looks so cheerful because he's about to have badger for dinner. Little did he know at this point that he'd end up being left out of the game because, as the designer puts it, "he looked crap".

Dear Uncle Tusk:

Can you fly? I can fly and it's fun. Also, are you going to be in any more games other than KI2? Also why does Diddy have no bellybutton in Donkey Kong Country yet in Donkey Kong Country 2 he has one? Was he born in an egg in the first game? Is this the same Diddy? Why does he show his belly and bellybutton so much? Why is his bellybutton so big? Does Diddy like his bellybutton and play with it? Can you send me any pix of him pressing it or ones that just show it? I can fly, did I say that yet? Well I can. YAY.

NIN-Ayanami

Uncle Tusk replies: Diddy's bellybutton is a magic bellybutton, which appears as a warning in times of need. You see, during his adventures in DKC1 he was just having a laugh tagging along after DK, but by the time DKC2 swung around, Diddy had some important responsibilities on his hands and couldn't afford to fail. Hence the sudden appearance of his bellybutton, to remind him always of his burden. Here's a picture of the offending feature in all its glory, which I'm supplying in the hope that it'll put an end to your witless rambling.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Okay, I wrote you earlier and said the times that were given at the very end credits of Diddy Kong Racing were near to impossible to beat. And after devoting myself completely for one ENTIRE day I finally managed to complete the task only to see... NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing happened. At all. Why did Rare even put those times at the end even the game? (sniff) So I threw Diddy Kong deep in my closet and vowed never to play the cruel, cruel game again. Why did you do this to me? But... I keep my head high and won't look back at the scence^[sic] of mass immpossiblility^[sic] that I overcame only in the end to be beaten and shattered of my hopes and dreams for the game that I once thought to be a great game. (sob)

- Massasoit

Uncle Tusk replies: Bit of a misunderstanding here which I should probably apologise for, though unfortunately I'm not going to. The times in question were the best times that were set by the DKR team during development, and the only reward you'll get for beating them is a fleeting sense of superiority. What, that's not good enough? There's only so much room on a cart, you know. Watch your mouth, scab. Even better times have been set since then by Rare and Nintendo testers, so maybe I'll post those at some point. Or maybe I won't.

Mr. Tusk.

I stayed up all night playing Diddy Kong. I finally got all 4 keys, got the T.T. Amulet, beat Wizpig, won all 4 trophy dashes, found Drumstick, and made it to Future Fun Land. And now I'm stumped -- I can't enter any of the Future Fun Land racetracks because I only have 38 balloons, and the first one requires 39. I'm baffled. Where do I find an extra balloon?

Tom Mott

Uncle Tusk replies: The continually-hassled DKR designer says there shouldn't be a problem: "Try taking part in all of Taj's Challenges again, when you beat him, the grumpy git leaves the Golden Balloon behind for you to collect, you may have forgotten to pick it up (there are three of these). Also check you have found all the hidden balloons from the Overworld."

He meanders off into swearing and abuse at that point, so I've cut him short.

Hey Tusk!

Okay, I asked a question about KI3 in my last letter and you shot me down. So I've got a new question. Howard Lincoln said in an interview that Rare was working on two secret games that weren't shown at E3. I'm assuming that one of them is Donkey Kong 64, but how about the other? Would it be possible for Rare to make another fighting game? It doesn't have to be KI, since you guys think the market for that game is gone. The Nintendo 64 is really lacking a quality fighting game. I know that Rare can make one. So, what are the chances of Rare making a new fighting game that isn't KI? I'm the fighting editor for the 64 Source and my readers would love to know guys! Give us the goods!

Bryan Dawson (drdogg@fiestanet.com)

Uncle Tusk replies: 'Shot you down'? What? I carry a four-foot sword at all times, I maim for fun and yet I took time out to give a considered response to your questions, and you still reckon I 'shot you down'? I despair. Anyway. Nobody at Rare ever said that the KI market is 'gone' - inevitably, it's just not thriving in the way it once was. Yes, it would be possible for us to make another fighting game, we've never totally scrapped the idea. Might be KI, might not. Whatever, we can't announce anything until we're ready, so it's no good hassling us for news we haven't got...

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I simply can't find 8 of the DK coins in DKC3. I can't. I've failed (sniff). Please don't fail me. I need to find where Koin (that nasty baddy, I'm sure you woudn't^[sic] need a stupid barrel to kill him, would you?) is in these levels...

KREMWOOD FOREST

-Squeals On Wheels
-Springin' Spiders

MEKANOS

-Ripsaw Rage

RAZOR RIDGE

-Ropey Rumpus

KREMATOA

Please help me, Uncle Tusk.....Please!!! Humbly Yours,

Dan

Uncle Tusk replies: Stop snivelling, man! Look at the state of you. You can't even count - that's only seven levels. Alright, here... Squeals on Wheels: Jump up to the platform overhead to the right just before you reach the letter N. Springin' Spiders: When riding the Nid in the right-hand trunk alongside the green extra lives balloon, use Kiddy to throw Dixie up to the ledge next to Koin. Ripsaw Rage: Jump into the invisible barrel beneath the letter G, which'll fire you up to an Invincibility Barrel. Let the saw carry you up, jump to the platform on the left, and Koin's just on your right. Ropey Rumpus: Drop down between the two pillars about halfway across the longest rope in the level. Criss Kross Cliffs: Make your way back around to the first tunnel on the right after the letter G. Tyrant Twin Tussle: Use Squitter to climb up the shaft just after the letter O. Koin's on the right, and Bazuka's on the left - make a web bridge to direct the stream of barrels straight at Koin. Swoopy Salvo: Before you reach the 'No Animals' sign, double back out of the right-hand trunk and re-enter the left-hand one through the higher hole. Koin's up this way.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

How do you finish the swimming level in DK Land 3 on Time Attack in under the time limit? It's the only level I have left and I need to see the ending.

Ken

Uncle Tusk replies: There's a nifty little shortcut that might help you out here. Cue designer: "Get Enguarde from just below the starting position. Continue as normal until you reach the second 'No Animals' sign. You'll come across six Lurchins: just behind the last Lurchin is an invisible barrel which will fire you to the exit." You cheating scum.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I have beaten TT on all the tracks in Time Trial mode and I still can't get him as a playable character. My friend has a Gameshark and used that to try to get TT, but it still doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?

Willy Loman (wloman@hotmail.com)

Uncle Tusk replies: You've confused DKR's head honcho now. "Check you really have beaten him," he says. "The TT symbol should appear on the intro screen to every track in Tracks Mode. Are you sure you haven't missed one out? You have found the Future World? And you can't use the GameShark to get him either, just pure skill!"

Hey Mr. Tusk guy,

I've been a fan of Rare mainly since DKC came out, and have loved every game that the company has produced so far... and have you lost weight? Heh heh, now you're forced to read the rest of this message since my suckup powers are so strong and powerful to wipe out a whole crew of 3rd grade teachers... Anyway... about Candy Kong, what ever happened to her?! I mean, she was Donkey's main girl (even though I did see her blow a couple of kisses at Diddy when the big guy wasn't looking)! Now she isn't in any game, and she was the best game save I had ever seen! Did she get eaten by a crock, run over by a bird-welding bear, decide to mass produce Spam?! She just disappeared, and left many of us in the dark, so pleeeeease, help us know of her whereabouts!! Your average software user and Candy Kong whereabouts looker for her person,

Bryan Bohnsack

Uncle Tusk replies: Banjo might have a bit of a temper on him, but I can't really see him sinking so low as to indulge in 'bird-welding'. And Candy's still around, somewhere. She's just been keeping a low profile since the original DKC, where her strenuous barrel-presenting antics eventually left her close to exhaustion. She'll be back in the spotlight one day, don't worry, you ape-fancying pervert.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Greetings, great, almighty answer-man, Uncle Tusk. My name is Ellington. Jasper Ellington. The third. Yeah, yeah, I know. Jasper Ellington III is a big name but I didn't have anything to do with that--it was all that other dude's fault. Anyways, this is part one of Jasper & Uncle Tusk: a constant flooding of irrepressible antics in when I state my questions or comments. For example, today, we have a comment. Let's begin, shall we? Ahem. One moment please... THE WALLS! THE INVISIBLE WALLS! ARGGGHHHH! Banjo-Kazooie, Blast Corps, GoldenEye 007, Diddy Kong Racing--the walls are everywhere! Oh sure, I can understand it. A cart only has so much room-- well why not a CD, then?! No, forget I said that. But now, everytime^[sic] I play a game--I get so paranoid. Oh sure, it looks like there's a lot of room, but then, the walls start closing in!

Diddy Kong Racing, "The plane stopped flying! The island's right behind us! We're trapped! Isn't Diddy supposed to go back to DK Country?!"
Banjo-Kazooie, "It's a canyon! It's nothing but a big canyon! Banjo lives in a canyon and he will never get out! Swim. Swim away from the island. Oh no! Here comes Snacker! We're doomed!"
GoldenEye 007, "These doors won't open! They're locked! The trees aren't trees at all! They're just pictures of trees--flat trees--and we've been boxed into Servernaya or Cuba or wherever! ARGGGHHH!"
Even in Super Mario 64--not a game by Rare--but the invisible walls are still there, laughing and mocking us! SM64 had slopes that looked like escape routes like in Bob-omb Battlefield and Snowman's Land. Banjo-Kazooie brought cliffs! Straight, up-and-down walls and cliffs! We're trapped! I can't breathe! I'm starting to see things! Is that a hippo riding a jet ski? I'm gone for good. Ughhh...

Sorry to dash your hopes but I'm still alive and kicking, and I'll be back to send you another letter, Uncle Tusk. Until next time, be sharpening that sword!

Jasper Ellington III (jasperellington3@yahoo.com)

Uncle Tusk replies: Oh, I will. Just in case it crosses your mind to send in part two of this hilarious feature. As for the invisible walls, what do you want us to do, make infinite levels? Either that or they'd have to wrap around, which could lead to a slightly unrealistic impression in something like GoldenEye. Or we could just have an endless expanse of nothing wrapped around a comparatively tiny bit of level. Or we could just have solid, opaque walls if you like. But can you see what all these ideas have in common? That's right - they're all stupid.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I have three questions for you to answer:

1. While playing Click-Clock Wood in the excellent game Banjo-Kazooie in the Autumn room, I was suddenly struck by a thought: "Gnawty? He sounds familiar..." Then I suddenly realised the truth: HE'S BEEN RECYCLED FROM BOSSHOOD IN DKC! Confirm or Deny?

2. Is Mumbo a Jinjo? He look like one in B-K and on my B-K poster I got in a mag! I even looked at him closely while he was clearing leaves from his hut in Autumn.

3. Is Rare considering making games featuring other DKR characters?

A big Rare fan

Uncle Tusk replies: 1. Oh, alright then. He's been hanging around here for years, whining on and on about wanting his own game, but it seems he finally got the message recently and decided to gatecrash Banjo's party instead.

2. Stop being stupid.

3. Might be. We were thinking of replacing Joanna Dark with Pipsy, seeing as she's become something of a 90s gaming icon. What do you reckon?

Hey Tusk!

I have Diddy Kong Racing and I have already beaten it to the max, hidden characters and all. But, when I used the jukebox code I noticed a song, #12, that isn't in any of the tracks. Is this a part of the overworld or something I haven't found yet? Please help me before I go nuts!!!

Frank Scafidi

Uncle Tusk replies: You see that Pirate Lagoon? You hear that hidden music track? Well, the two used to go together, until for some reason or another the Lagoon found itself a new tune and the old one was consigned to 'hidden extra' status. So no, you haven't missed any secret areas. Probably.

Uncle Tusk -

I need help! I've got Donkey Kong Land 3 as a Christmas present last year, and the box clearly states that one of the animals is called Parry. I've searched everywhere..over^[sic] and over again..but^[sic] I can't find Parry! Where is he? Where? Must.. find... Parry..

John

Uncle Tusk replies: Due to what were stressed as 'creative differences', Parry left the DK Animal Sidekicks to pursue a solo career between the making of Donkey Kong Country 3 and Donkey Kong Land 3, by which time it was too late to change the sleeve credits. His first solo game, Parry On Up The Khyber, flopped dismally earlier this year and his contract was terminated. Now an alcoholic, Parry has lost the power of flight and lives in a box under DK's favourite tree, shouting slurred abuse throughout the early hours of the morning.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

In the DKC player's guide, under Mine Cart Carnage, although it does confirm that there are no bonus areas, it also says something like "There is also a deep, dark secret hidden in this level, and only the most intrepid explorers will find it." After many headaches I discovered the warp near the beginning of the level; however, there are warps in other levels, too, so why should Mine Cart Carnage have been singled out by the player's guide? I did notice that at some points, if you hit the dangerous boxes and die and your cart falls, you can hear the cart hitting another track, but I haven't been able to get down there without dying. It's been nearly four years - PLEASE, MY DEAR UNCLE TUSK, PUT MY MIND AT EASE!

M. Stephens

Uncle Tusk replies: DKC's designer claims to have no idea what you're on about, so unless he's still fiercely protecting some hideous secret after all this time or he's simply got a crap memory, you can probably put it down to a strategy guide writer with an overactive imagination. Worry about something worthwhile, man.

Uncle Tusk Sir...?

Maybe it was a blinky Pikachu-induced hallucination, but I heard something about a Killer Instinct TV show, maybe something similiar^[sic] to the oh-so-cool Donkey Kong TV show (hey, there was a bit about that on the discovery channel^[sic]!). Is it true? Huh?

Code-Guy Ty

Uncle Tusk replies: No. Basically. Or at least we've heard nothing, so somebody's in trouble if it is.

Dear Uncle Tusky-Poo;

I was recently turned on about the fact of the Donkey Kong Country TV Show. I saw it on the Fox Family channel and I instantly hit the roof. Of course it hurt. But what in the heck were you thinking when you made the show dudes? Try to stay along the storyline of the game. Where is this magic coconut in DKC 1-3??? Peeved, but OK

Chris Glass

Uncle Tusk replies: Beats me. Nothing to do with us. I suppose the writers felt they needed to broaden the span of the DKC storyline if they were going to get a whole series out of it. Me, I'm looking forward to the one where DK takes the damn coconut and shoves it up Cranky's ("museum" - Ed).

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Okay, I have a lot of questions, but this is the one that has bothered me for three years now so I have to ask it: Where on earth did you get Dixie Kong's first name from?! That is my mother's first name, and since I look so much like her, my uncle calls me "Little Dixie." Then, when his grandson bought the game (DKC 3) and found out I was a million times better than his grandson, I got teased endlessly for it. I have long blondeish hair and greenish eyes, too, and that didn't help! Dixie is a good name and all, but I think you could have named her something else!

Christina Shepherd

Uncle Tusk replies: Be grateful your nickname isn't Donkey. Anyway, here's the designer with a deeply technical explanation for this one. "Using our Rare Random-O-Matic Name Creator, the best we could do was 'Dixie'. We thought that was OK - surely better than early suggestions of 'Diddiane' and 'Diddette'. By the way, if you can jump off tall objects and spin your hair around like a helicopter we may have a job for you..."

Yo Tusky,

What happened to Thunder from the original KI? Are you his son? Did you eat him? You live in Montana, don't you? I think Jago and Orchid should hook up. And how about that chick Dixie? Grrrrrrrow! She's hot. If only I could kill Diddy... um, no! I didn't say that! You should battle the Jinjos. I know where Winky went! Try Monkey Museum. Donkey and Candy Kong should make a... never mind. See ya Tusky.

Skull Monkey the 7th

Uncle Tusk replies: Thunder smacked Spinal to bits then went home. That's all there is to it. Considering I was born over 2000 years before him, I'd say he's unlikely to be my long-lost Dad. Oh, and Montana doesn't exist where I'm from, and Jago and Orchid 'hooking up' would be an arrestable offence, you sick fool.

Tusky,

I just read a letter from M. Stephen about the "deep, dark, secret" in DKC. I didn't think anyone else noticed that! Anyway, in answer to his question, I found a warp from the beginning of the level to almost the end. It could of^[sic] been a glitch, but I doubt it. Lemme tell you how I found it. Back when I still owned the game, I had a Game Genie (I happened to use it for things other then^[sic] cheating). One of the "cheats" was to be able to keep an animal to the next level. So I brought the fish into the level. I found out fish could fly, so I took some flying lessons. Above the first cart, I flew above the screen. Suddenly, I heard the sound associated with a warp barrel, and then the screen moved through the level to the last kart, where it launched me into the cart. My fish turned into a blue Diddy and then it was over. So Mister Tusk, do you accept or deny this secret?

Larry Gajewski

Uncle Tusk replies: Another one for the designer, then, because I'm bored of the whole stupid subject already. "Yes, the warp barrel does exist. In fact, there are warp barrels near the start of every level of the first two worlds. And everyone knows that fishes that turn into blue chimps can fly."

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I'm going CRAZY!!!!! I have beaten DKR from top to bottom and it's getting so easy, that just today I started racing looking at the screen upside-down!! I need to know if there is anything else to do that I haven't done, so that I can stop trying to beat my Ancient Lake record of 00:52:13 in the T.T. Time Trials. I have 47 balloons in Adventure 1 and Adventure 2. I have beaten all 4 Wizpig races (2 in each Adventure). I also have the Future Fun Land trophy in both adv. (I'm tired of saying adventure already). I have Drumstick and T.T. as well.

Jason W.

P.S.: 00:52:13 is without balloons.

Uncle Tusk replies: "There is a hidden method of controlling the characters that can be used to increase your speeds on the tracks by enormous amounts. It involves the A Button but is very difficult to do, though testers at Nintendo had used it to get times on Ancient Lake of around 34 seconds!" Thus spake the DKR man, so get to it. Alternatively you could just buy yourself a new game, you tightarse.

Dear Mr. Tusk...

I bought a SNES a few years ago with DKC. Yesterday I decided to go back and revisit the wonders of a console (I use a PC now). I realised that I had PASSED the game but I hadn't found all the secrets. I had only 94% and had taken 4 hours and 4 mins. Is it possible to get 103 & 104% like what I have in DKC2&3?? Thankyou^[sic] for your help....

A guy named Mephisto in Australia. :D

Uncle Tusk replies: As far as we can remember, the original DKC 'only' went up to 101%. Though even that was pretty wacky in those days. If that's not enough for you, and you're at least moderately dull-witted, you could always break some of your fingers to increase the challenge.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Diddy Kong has been bugging me for quite some time... this character seems to have a glaring consistency problem. "What is it?" Why, quite simply...

How did Diddy Kong change from a chimpanzee to an ape?
In DKC and DKC2, Diddy clearly has a long tail (he even uses it to hang from things in DKC2), whilst in DKC3 and DKR, Diddy's tail has vanished. Which of the following is true?
1) Diddy was transmogrophied (He was what? - Tusk) when Rare realized how silly it was to give the Kong family name to a chimp...
2) During the Beta testing for DKC3, Diddy didn't quite make it through a nasty trap of some kind.
3) There are 2 Diddys - Diddy Kong (of DKR), and Dyddy Kong (appearing in DKC -- obviously a "secret character" called by the D-Y-D-D-Y code).

Please, tell me ... the world must know!

David Dayton

Uncle Tusk replies: Several minutes of dubious umming and ahhing from the designer of DKC 1 & 2 led to the following shameful excuses: "In DKR he sits on his tail in his vehicle to keep it warm, and in DKC3... grrr... ahh... he cut it short as this was the fashion then. Is that good enough?" Not by anyone's standards, I'd say. So I prodded the lead artist on DKC3 for answers instead. "Er... I don't remember modelling him without a tail. Anyway, he was only in it for a split second. Hold on, I'll find a cartridge with a saved game." (Long pause) "Right, I've just beaten the boss and Diddy's quite clearly got a tail." Just as I thought. Stupid people writing in again.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I am in agony (that is why I am writing to you), I looked in my friend's PlayStation magazine and they stated that RareWare is working for Sony, is it true. I am owning a N64 with Diddy Kong Racing and I am thinking about buying Banjo-Kazooie, and it makes me sick just thinking of Rare working for Sony and is there any info for Diddy Kong Racing 2?

Diddie Becker

Uncle Tusk replies: Would this be the internationally-renowned PlayStation Lies magazine? Don't you think other people would have picked up on it by now if there was any truth to it whatsoever? Duh. Info on DKR2? Nope. None at all. Mainly because we're not doing it.

Dear Amazing Tusko,

I had a huge letter to send about help for Donkey Kong Country 3, and was waiting for a chance to send it, but I managed to answer all my own questions before I could send it. I worked out what the cogs were for, got all the bonus coins and DK coins, found out how the hell you get past the shooting electricity bit on Knautilus, and found the last few banana bird cages. But there's one more question...how do you get this fabled 105% and secret ending? I have 103% at the moment, and am rated "Top Banana", but apparently if you put in HARDR or TUFST as a code then you can get that much. Do you have to put it in every time you play one saved game or something?!? DKC3 is my fifth Rareware game that I have, as I also have Diddy Kong Racing (completed Adventure Two), Banjo-Kazooie (all notes and jiggies), Donkey Kong Land (completed, but is there something cool that happens if you get 100%? I wanna know!) and Donkey Kong Land 3 (haven't made it to the lost world cause I don't have all the DK coins, but I'll try again once I have batteries for my Game Boy). I am going to get Twelve Tales when it comes out, along with Donkey Kong Country 64. And by the way, will that be in 2D or 3D? Both ways would be good, as the N64 really needs a good 2D platform game (Yoshi's Story? Mischief Makers? Come on!) but the Kongs would look absolutely brilliantly fantastic in total 3D. In the famous style of the "Thank You For Not Smoking" signs everywhere, thankyou^[sic] for giving me a really good and incredibly useful reply to my assorted ramblings.

Peter Escott (pace@trump.net.au)

Uncle Tusk replies: Use of the TUFST code was detailed in the July 7 edition. Go there. Read it. Like you should have before you came here getting my back up by asking about it again. And no, you don't need to enter it every time, just when you're asked for it when starting a new game after entering the button combination. The N64 incarnation of DKC would have arrived in shiny 3D, if only we hadn't been forced to can the project so that everyone involved could go and make tea and sandwiches for the Perfect Dark team.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I have a few question and ideas for new games:

1. I've heard about a special code to get a flamethrower in GoldenEye. Is this true, or is it just hopeful thinking?
2. For a new DKC game, you could call it "Donkey Kong Country/Land 4: Kiddy's Crib Nightmares" starring Kiddy & Frizzy Kong.
3. For Perfect Dark, make Joanna look like Wai Lin on "Tomorrow Never Dies" 'cause, dang she's ugly!

Gosa

Uncle Tusk replies:

1. I don't want to shatter your illusions by saying it's not true, but here's a clue: stop being thick.
2. No we couldn't.
3. The designer says: "Too late. She looks like Meryl Streep, and that's final."

Dear Uncle Tusk,

We seem to have been implored, recently, to submit suggestions to Rare HQ. Well, when I say implored, I mean that I vaguely remember seeing a comment in N64 magazine, but that's imploring for ya. Can't get the staff, etc. Anyway, it's simple: Sort out your policy towards saved games! Here's my problem. Well, here's my problem as far as you're concerned, anyway. Diddy Kong Racing has a really nice saved game system. I can save games to the cartridge, and I can "upload/download" saved games to and from a controller pak. Nice. No, it *is* nice. Banjo Kazooie and Goldeneye have no such features, and it annoys the hell out of me. When I lend someone a cart, they play on my saved games, or overwrite them, or see my times in B-K and roundly take the p*ss afterwards. I'm sure you can see where this is going... Any chance you can make Perfect Dark and Jet Force Gemini behave the same way as DKR? I ask because these controller paks are fairly cheap and if I end up having a 256Kb pak devoted to just my Perfect Dark games (or whatever) then I'm fine with that. Most of these controllers now come with a meg anyway, so it's easy to switch between banks of pages when neccessary^[sic]. You see, you did it /so/ nicely with DKR and then "fluffed big time" on the more recent games (I can't work out what Blast Corps is doing yet, but that's because I simply haven't been arsed enough to examine the controller pak pages). So, there you go then. No silly Tiptup gubbins, no annoying Goldeneye questions, no N64 arse stuff. Just a simple, straightforward request. Oh, and can I plug my Ultimate website - it has a groovy Ultimate/Rare blurb generator that folks might find amusing.

http://www.robsoft.co.uk

Etc.

Well, off to drool some more over the JFG pictures. Looking forward to its release!

Rob Uttley

Uncle Tusk replies: It's no good trying to be nice now - you're just all moan, moan, moan. Honestly, I don't know why we bother doing anything for you bunch of ungrateful wretches. Still, not only has GoldenEye's designer leapt to his game's defence, he's even come up with a neat solution to your problem: "With the GoldenEye save system you could play on one folder, copy it to another so that you could lend it to your friends without fear of them ruining your game, and they could start new games on the remaining two folders if they wanted. Moreover, no extra purchase was necessary to save your game. Either you are constantly being embarrassed by your friends who are better players than you, or you lack the authority you need to get them to treat your cart with respect. The solution is clear. Beat your friends with a stick. If they are better players, go for the hands."

Hello there,

I recently purchased Donkey Kong Land 3 for my sister. She loves it but cannot figure out how to save her game. Before she gives up, can you give us some advice?

Dragonma1@aol.com

Uncle Tusk replies: "But... but... it's obvious," said the designer in bewilderment. I told him nothing was obvious in the macabre world of Ask Uncle Tusk. Your game is saved automatically after every few levels when you visit one of the Save Caves that crop up in your path, and there's no more to it than that. Leave my sight.

Dear Unc Tusk:

So, how's your day been? No, I'm not here to pester you for more teasers of info on upcoming games. In fact, I'm here to praise you for it. I like all your unknown deadlines and secret projects that exist only behind barn doors. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow I'll find out that Perfect Dark is all ready to go and will be in stores in a week. Or maybe even Conker 64 (How's that game going? It's been overshadowed by the likes of Donkey Kong, Joanna, and the Jet Force gang). Or you'll release one of your superb secret titles in only a month, with that perfect finish on it. And by not releasing deadlines, you have time to make it perfect without people hounding your door, yelling, "WHY'S IT NOT DONE YET!!!" So go on! Tease your potential suitors with dribbles of info, leading them to your hotel room only to stand whimpering at a locked door. And when you do finally let them in, you strike a seductive pose and tell them they can only have the mint that was left on your pillow (because you're upstanding folk who wouldn't want to disturb the quiet gaming industry with news of a sordid affair). But that mint will be enough! Well, maybe some of that fruit from the complimentary fruit basket also. And some soap and a towel. And a^[sic] autographed photo of TipTup. Yes, that'll do. Also, I've got a problem with the ending of Goldeneye, when you beat the Egyptian Temple (slight spoiler coming up for those who haven't made it). The Baron runs after Bond into the dark, and then all you see is Samedi standing there, laughing. I take this as a strong insinuation that Samedi bumps Bond off, which I know is impossible, but the fact is there. Anyways, what you should have done is have the Baron stand there, laughing, then you here a gunshot and the Baron falls forward, with Bond standing behind him, holding the Golden Gun out. Yeah, that would be cool. Keep up the good work! Oh, and make Jet Force Gemini a smacking good game.

Nate

Uncle Tusk replies: No, we don't get that many people yelling "WHY'S IT NOT DONE YET!!!" - they generally go for the "WHY WON'T YOU TELL US WHEN IT'S COMING OUT!!!" angle. Bless their little souls (sound of industrial axe sharpener operating in background). And GoldenEye's designer would like to take issue with your Samedi-bashing: "I take it you haven't watched Live And Let Die, or you would know that the whole idea about Baron Samedi is that he does not stay dead. He is a Voodoo god. He is a master of death, which should make you wonder about his relationship to Bond; maybe he let Bond go alive from the Temple with such a powerful gun because he knows Bond will kill a lot more (bad) people, which would serve the Baron very well."

Dear Uncle Tusk,

No! N--NO! NOO!!! I am a-frownin' today and am quite sad I'll say. Why, exactly? Well, On my wondrous web page, I am known as 'Alex McChimpy' and my credentials are 'I completely beat Donkey Kong Country 1, 2, AND 3!' Well, little did I know that I was posting...a lie!! It turns out I never knew about the secret ending when ya' get 105% of which you spoke. Well, lucky me, I spent a few days beating DK3 ALL OVER AGAIN with TUFST. And what did I find.....? Well...??? Nothin' I typed TUFST in every time I played and still ended up with 103%!!!! Now I know a non-Rare guy like me made some mistake. What I wanna know is...what happens when you DO get 105%??? I completely beat the game twice, I kinda think I deserve to at least KNOW what I'm missing!

Mechel18

Uncle Tusk replies: The designer says "I'm not telling you, because it's too good." He also points out that if you want to get the extra 2% upon completion, you've got to start a brand new game with TUFST in a previously empty/erased save slot - you'll know if the code's working because there'll be no halfway or DK barrels. And you only need to enter the code when you first start the game, not every time you play. So go on, go back and do it all again, you dunce. Har har har.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

First of all, I simply have to commend you (through a mouthful of cookies n' cream) on the sheer quality of this site. I can't recall a game designer/publisher's site that was just this great. You really give the gamers what they want. Great job! OK I really do have a question, two or three if I can think of that many while I'm writing:

1. Did you ever plan to give Pocket Tales a GB Color palette, or were you just too far into development at the time of the hardware's release?
2. I remember when news of Rare's defection from Nintendo to solo-publishing was all the rave; It was sometimes assumed that Rare did this to be able to design games for Sony's PSX. Are there or were there ever plans to make a game for the CD-based system, and if not, any input on why the N64 is favored to develop on? (Sometimes I just think the PSX has been around waaaay too long.)
3. Can I clean your toilets for money, or at least a chance to see the Rare pad from the inside?
4. Where can I find nude pictures of Dixie Kong? ;>
5. When my lot of game-playing Japanese culture-obsessed friends get together, we like to have fun playing what we call "RPG Mode" in Goldeneye multiplayer. Basically we play the role of the character we select in the environment we select, sorta like a Goldeneye Dungeons & Dragons session. For example, if one player is a guard, well, he does guard stuff and questions/shoots at suspicious characters, while taking orders from his superiors. We have a blast with this, but it can be limited because of the small multiplayer environments with little variation in them (Not enough "props" ;>) and the number of players (Or at least characters to interact with). Do you know if future Rare multiplayer games will make crazy stuff like this more fun? On the subject of player number, I'm not saying you have to develop an 8-player adapter, but NPCs that you can interact with in multiplayer mode would be awesome.
6. Can I have a dollar?
7. I haven't been able to locate the often talked-about chemistry set on an air duct in Goldeneye. Mind telling me where to look?
8. Last question, I promise. I've almost completed my cheat list, but there must be something I'm missing in Statue Park, because that's the last cheat I have to get. Y'see, I complete my objectives in the fastest way I know how, and I still seem to need 10 seconds shaved off my time. Any advice?

Well turns out I came up with more than 3 in the end. Hope you can get around to *maybe* replying, but I understand your busy chaos-ridden schedule. Guess I'll get back to spooning my ice cream outta the box. Bye!

Kowkiller

Uncle Tusk replies:

1. I'll pretend you asked this question after we posted the colour screenshots, just to make you look stupid.
2. It's hardly a "defection", is it? We're still Nintendo-exclusive, and no, there were never any plans to develop for other formats.
3. The DKC3 designer wants me to make a crude joke about pads and toilets, but I'm above that sort of thing.
4. Make them yourself if you're that desperate (but don't forget to publicly flog yourself afterwards).
5. You need help.
6. Only if you spend it on help.
7. On an air duct. In the Facility.
8. Try belting straight through the level without stopping to kill anyone. It's against my nature to say that, but apparently it works.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

In DKR I have beaten the game in Adventure mode, and got 47 gold balloons. When I go to the screen where the options are: Adventure, Adventure two and Tracks, I click Adventure two, and enter a new screen. Here I can click on three different files. One with 47, one with 27 and one with 10 balloons, but when I try to click one of these files, only an ugly sound comes. I can't click on any of the three files. If you know why I can't play Adventure two, please tell me.

Scott Conradi

Uncle Tusk replies: According to DKR's Man in the Know, it's because Adventure Two works as an^[sic] separate game and automatically tries to save to a new slot when you first start playing. But if you've already got three saved games from Adventure One, it can't do that. So go back to Adventure One, empty one of the save slots, then give Adventure Two another try. That ought to sort you out. Er... thicky.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I need some help on DK3, there is this code you type in 'WATER' and you are supposed to get 85 coins, but you have to go behind the waterfall to get them, well my question is what waterfall do you go behind to get them... could you please tell me EXACTLY where to go to get them? And Funky Kong is supposed to be making this awesome vehicle for me but I need like 41 DK coins just to get it, is there any way to make it easier... And what is the vehicle? THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THE HELP!

Josh

P.S. I went over to a friend's house and played Golden Eye on N64 it was the best game I ever played in my life [I am trying to save up enough money to get a 64 and that game]... Oh and is there any chance of a sequel and I don't mean Perfect Dark all my friends said it would be awesome and they would buy it just because how good Golden Eye was...

Uncle Tusk replies: Stop blabbering, man. You're making a fool of yourself. Look, here's some sage words from the DKC3 designer to (hopefully) shut you up. "Start a new game and enter the code WATER in your name, now when you start the game properly and Dixie jumps into the lake and climbs up onto the island, come straight back out and jump back into that lake. Now swim to the top left area where you will see the waterfall that you need to go for your 85 coins, after a little test of skill of course... As for the DK coins, sorry matey, you're going to have to find them all yourself, although Nintendo Power's guide will tell you where - you big potential cheat!"

Hey Uncle Tusk,

I have some questions for ya.

1) First get Goldeneye and start a multiplayer game. Now make both characters stand in front of each other. Now make one hit the other one just with his arms. Why the other one can't actually see his opponent's arms moving?
2) How come in DKR, TipTup says "watch out!" after you crash? Aren´t you supposed to say that before you crash?
3) How come in KI all the characters leave a hole in the sand of the same kind when they fall off the sky stage?
4) How come in KIG you can still see the character's shadow in the bridge level even when that part is not on the bridge?
5) Why did the first Spinal get killed? Was his movie "Dry as a bone" so bad???
6) I know you've been asked this a lot, but if I have an idea for a game, where can I send it to ya guys, if I could?
7) Why did ya guys bother including Krunch in DKR or at least giving him such an ugly acceleration, control.... he doesn't even seems to be one of the good guys! Was it to keep the A-Kremling-in-every-DK-game tradition?
8) Why dont^[sic] you guys ask MIDWAY sometime to get both companies together and made a game called Mortal Kombat -vs- Killer Instinct? I love KI and I love MK too. Both together would be just Da Bomb.
9) Did ya found any mistakes in my English? My official language is Spanish, so you understand why... esta bien amigo? Bueno, gracias!

Bye guys, hasta la vista.

The Ch@ttin_b0y

Uncle Tusk replies:

1) The team's explanation is simple: "Bond strike with speed of angry cobra."
2) Yeah, but Tiptup's stupid. As if you didn't see that one coming.
3) Extensive air pressure reduces each of the competitors' bodies to a uniform shape and size before impact.
4) Magic.
5) You mean the Spinal in KI1, or the original bloke who was resurrected as Spinal in KI2 and then again in KI1? The KI1 Spinal was hacked to bits by Thunder. Shows how hard he was.
6) We can't do anything with it. Legal reasons. Plus the fact that we get sent enough game ideas every month to suffocate a decent-sized mammoth.
7) You've got to have a slow-and-steady heavyweight in there somewhere, haven't you? And yeah, using a Kremling reinforces the Diddy Kong link, or something.
8) Shut up, you slavering idiot.
9) No. I didn't found any.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Hello me again. I was most upset at the fact that you did not reply to my well informed questions. Unlike most people my questions were based in reality and not concerned with crazed chefs with knives running around in Goldeneye. So here goes again, perhaps you will look fondly upon this poor fan and answer my questions.

1. Where is Banjo-Tooie? We've heard whispers but what about screen shots or at least some bit of info on it. Why would you hold out upon your loyal fans.
2. Who in the hell is Sniffles... I really want to know where that one came from.
3. Any plans for a RPG game of a serious nature unlike Super Mario RPG (good game but a little on the silly side).
4. Is Banjo-Kazooie going to be able to attach itself to Banjo-Tooie like Sega's Sonic and Knuckles games did a while back. You said you had to go back and forth between the two...
5. Would you Shag Austin Powers now, or later :)???? (Yeah baby...)?
6. I would like to voice concern over the possible future of PD multiplayer mode. I was very disappointed with Turok II's solution to the multiplayer problem (Tiny levels). Granted they are fast, what's the point when two seconds later you're dead cause your opponent is two feet away from you. I hope PD is fast and huge as far as multiplayer goes. I would hate to be gyped^[sic] by a lousy multiplayer. Goldeneye rocked but is just too slow with four people, it needs to be faster.

Thanks Tusky and remember please respond.

Todd

Uncle Tusk replies:

1. There's a difference between spitefully "holding out" as you suggest and simply "waiting until we've got some really good stuff to show you", idiot child.
2. He's my lickle cutesy puddy tat, awwww. (Looks around quickly.) Leave it! It's none of your damn business.
3. Hang on, I'll just get my Secret Development Files out and tell you everything... oh, wait a minute! What am I doing? You almost got me there. (Sigh.)
4. I can see you people still mindlessly droning this question months after Banjo-Tooie's release.
5. Or, more accurately, "no baby".
6. The designer says "Don't worry - we removed multiplayer mode completely so that your sensibilities weren't offended." Now look what you've done - putting a stop to everyone else's fun just to satisfy your own selfish whims. You disgusting lowlife.

Dear All-Knowing Tusk,

I've been hearing a lot lately about all the great Rare games that are in development. Each one seems to be better than the last. Here is some snippets of text that I remember from traversing the internet:

Banjo-Tooie will make Banjo-Kazooie look like crap.
If you thought Banjo-Kazooie was the height of N64's graphics then you haven't seen JFG.
Donkey Kong 64 looked better than most Dreamcast games at E3.
Donkey Kong's characters were so well rendered with so many polygons that they looked real.
Perfect Dark is Goldeneye on some serious steroids.
Perfect Dark's graphics were so good they made me want to cry.

All this hype and talk has left me wondering: Which game will look the best? Which one will be the next game that makes everyone ohhh and ahhh and drool so bad that they line up at 3am to buy it?

I suspect that DK will edge out the others but you never know...

McCalls

PS. What is the context of knackers? Here is my feeble attempt: Joanna Dark unlike Lara Croft will have normal-sized knackers.

Uncle Tusk replies: You left out the following:

Donkey Kong 64 will feature a sub-game that cures cancer.
Anyone who plays Jet Force Gemini will live until they're 300.
Vigorous rubbing of the Perfect Dark cartridge grants three wishes of the player's choice.
PS. A most amusing effort, though it couldn't possibly be any less accurate.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Firstly I'd like to say that I don't mind waiting for Perfect Dark to be released as I know that you usually delay games for a good reason that benefits the games player. Also releasing it in April is a killer move as there are never any good games out then so it will clean up. Ignore all the abusive mail (usually from Americans who wouldn't know English if you hit them over the head with a copy of Roget's Thesaurus) and just keep doing what you do best which is make great games. Ok enough sucking up. I have a couple of questions about Donkey Kong 64.

1) The game is set to retail for £60 English sterling with the expansion pak. As I already have an expansion pak (an official Nintendo one) will the game also sell without one for people like myself for the normal £40?
2) I heard that when playing the game you will be able to unlock the original arcade version of the game so is this true, and if it is do you have to go back to the same place every time, or is a new menu available on the start screen?

Thanks for your time,

Adam

PS. When will we see some screenshots of someone who has mapped their face into Perfect Dark?

PPS. May I suggest that you be the first victim errr.... volunteer for this.

Uncle Tusk replies: Fantastic logic there. Like releasing a decent game at any time of the year other than Xmas is just unheard of. Sigh.

1) Dunno. Not our area, mate. We just concentrate on getting the games finished while Nintendo handles the business side of things. So we'll all have to wait and see.
2) You have to go back to where you find the arcade machine, obviously. Otherwise it wouldn't fit in with the gritty realism prevalent throughout the rest of the game.

PS. How should I know? Waiting until the game's out would be a start.

PPS. May I suggest that you be the first volunteer to run into my fist.

Dear Mr. Felicity Tusk,

I am at my wits' end. I have walked across my entire town, scouring every shop and floor for the elusive Blast Corps and yet there seem to be absolutely no copies left... not even in Woolworths! What's going on? Has the £15-brand-new price tag caused a national shortage of the little badgers? Since then I have been gasping for Rare... and even went so far as to purchase Conker's Pocket Tales. Tell me... what the hell is going on in that game? I walk around, acorns tell me where to go, I solve some simple puzzle and more acorns tell me where to go, I complete the game... and so on (or maybe not). It just isn't your style. And because of CPT, may your letters be filled with a nonsensical 6 year old's plea to 'ComPleat Domkey kong Cuntry for teh SENS^[sic]'. That was a curse, y'know. Yours uncontrollably,

Greg of the Gravy

Uncle Tusk replies: So even though it's "simple", you still don't know "what the hell is going on"? Pleb. Blast Corps is bound to be more difficult to find these days than it was on release years ago, simply because the production runs have long since stopped. Try the second-hand shops. Then write in asking how to delete the saved game on the cartridge, no doubt. Sigh.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I would just like to make you aware of a conspiracy that exists at Rare. It has come to my attention that Diddy Kong is inherently evil. I will present you with the most obvious proof first. This proof directly ties Diddy Kong to the communist party. As I am sure you have noticed, Diddy wears nothing but red clothes. You might see this and say, "So, many people wear red clothes." However, I would direct you to the fact that Diddy has a star on the front of his shirt! Red... star, star... red, need I say more. The subtlety with which he shows his loyalty to his red brothers clearly proves his skill as a double agent for the KGB, which in fact is not dead as certain people would have us believe. Let's think about the nature of the plot line for Donkey Kong Country 2. If you read the manual it implies that Donkey was kidnapped by the Kremlings (communist spies working out of the Kremlin). I find this very fact somewhat implausible. Donkey Kong pretty much single handedly defeated the Kremlings in the first game. Now all of a sudden he is easily captured by them. I don't buy this. Here is what I think happened. Diddy and Donkey were relaxing on a beach one day. Diddy most likely sent some type of a signal to his Kremling co-horts indicating the plot about to occur. Diddy then drugged the banana cocktail Donkey was most likely drinking, incapacitating the great gorilla. The amount of the drug that must have been used had to have been very large, given the massive bulk of Donkey. For Donkey not to notice that his entire drink was essentially a drug, had to have taken much experimentation and testing. Therefore I have come to the conclusion that Diddy had been in fact planning this for quite some time, no doubt with the help of his red Kremling comrades. With Donkey out of the way he has no problem taking over the game in his name and stealing all of the limelight for himself! Something else I would like to point out is the tie that Donkey Kong wears. A tie has always been for me the traditional symbol, of hard work and capitalism. Diddy with his red... star shirt was without a doubt very jealous of his tie and therefore wanted revenge. Finally, if all of the other proof did not convince you then this final piece of information will certainly open your eyes to the conspiracy. I bring to your attention the Donkey Kong family. If you will notice all of the members of the Kong family are Gorillas... except for Donkey's nephew Diddy! Clearly there is a great deal of brainwashing going on. The Communist conspiracy has brainwashed the entire Kong family in an attempt to allow Diddy to infiltrate this family. With all of this evidence I hope you can clearly see the conspiracy that has been going on for quite some time now. I would like to therefore respectfully request that Diddy Kong be removed from Donkey Kong 64 once and for all ending a communist conspiracy to overthrow our very way of life. Thank You.

Respectfully Yours,

Uncle Darth

P.S. I would recommend that you all go out now and put on tin foil hats. I don't think you're ready for the mind controlling tactics of the Battletoads yet! Just heed my warning!

Uncle Tusk replies: Hey - I hardly ever bother wearing anything more than these furry pants and boots. Does that make me the Antichrist? I'm sure you could link it all together one way or another. If you read the DKC2 storyline, you'll see that Diddy was off somewhere with Dixie when DK vanished, whereas Cranky had no such alibi - in fact he's seen to launch an unprovoked walking stick attack on DK not long before the big ape gets himself captured, making him... hang on. Am I really trying to defend a chimp against charges of communism? I wish I'd known this job would be so damn freaky before I took it.

Dear Mr. Tusk,

You have made me very paranoid after reading your response to the Diddy Conspiracy. The evidence proves that Diddy is a traitor. And you defended him. What does this say? I think we have another traitor, and his name is Tusk.

Mr. Bored-Web-Surfer-who-decided-to-get-some-amusement-by-hearing-you-ramble-on

P.S. Eyedol's cooler! We should have Uncle Eyedol!

Uncle Tusk replies: I've got more intelligence in my arse cheeks than Eyedol has in either of those stupid shrunken heads of his. And the only thing I'm really bothered about defending is my right to ignore hallucinating idiots such as yourself who spend their lives nurturing furry animal political conspiracy theories. Hang on, you're not George Orwell, are you?

Dear Uncle Tusk,

All right, I know I'm horribly old-fashioned but I cannot find the second secret barrel in the Tundra Blunda level of the Blackforest Plateau World of Donkey Kong Land III. Please help; I'm losing my sanity!

Dooltle19@aol.com

Uncle Tusk replies: Astonishingly, the team responsible not only remembers the bit you're talking about but is even prepared to answer you, in spite of that telling email address: "First secret barrel is found just to the left of your start postion^[sic], use Dixie to spin across the gap. The second barrel is found before the halfway point. When you come across the first Knick-Knack, jump on him and then spin across (with Dixie) to the left - if you do this correctly you will hit a hidden barrel."

Hello Tusk,

I felt the need to write you tonight simply because I had a few interesting questions to ask and because I have something to apologize for. First, the apology: on behalf of the literate American public, I apologize for the hundreds upon hundreds of illiterate, know-nothing American Rare video game patrons who feel the need to write in. I'm sorry that they try to use British humor. I'm sorry that they ask idiotic questions about beta copies of Goldeneye and especially the very, VERY dumb questions about watching James Bond movies after playing through the game using nothing but the secret explosive toe weapons that require a Game Shark to get. I apologize for pathetic Goldeneye players who feel the need to write in and brag how they beat this level or that level and can kill all their friends and such. I apologize that you still get so much mail about Goldeneye in general. (I'm sure you're sick of that by now... If you're not quite tired of it, however, I apologize for apologizing for that.) I apologize about everything that you have to put up with from some citizens of this country, including claiming that words with unique British spellings are mispelled... I know that all of this incites you to violence, but rest assured: they'll all be dealt with once I assume control. Heh heh heh. Anyway, on to my questions. Enjoy.

1) Perfect Dark has been delayed. I don't mind. The upcoming Turok: Rage Wars has a feature that I am rather intrigued by: statistic tracking in the multiplayer mode. Once I heard of it, I began to wonder what my stats would look like in Goldeneye had it had a lifetime stat-tracking option. (You surely didn't think you could get a letter that DIDN'T mention Goldeneye, did you?) In all seriousness, and not intending to brag, but I would probably be around 1,000-1500 kills to 15-25 deaths. (Yes, if you think about it, my total number of kills seems rather low, but my friends [and several strangers who I have played] refuse to play against me again once I deal them quick 30-1 or 30-0 defeats...) Although I admittedly am not a programmer (yet), it seems simple to implement an option that keeps track of basic stats such as kills, deaths, favorite stage and weapon, and the like. Is there a slim chance that this option (or something similar) may be implemented?
2) Do you all play video games other than the ones you're working on? What are some of the Rare staff's favorite games?
2a) Do you all like multiplayer games? How often do spontaneous bouts of Super Smash Bros., Mario Party, BattleTanx, and (heaven forbid) Goldeneye crop up when you're away from the office? What are some of your favorite multiplayer games?
3) Is there any chance that, without me coming to work for Rare, I could ever get to play a few multiplayer bouts of Goldeneye (or perhaps, Perfect Dark) against Rare staffers? I'd just like to see how badly I'd get my rear end kicked by the programmers and everyone even though I'm probably rather good at multiplayer, considering my record...
4) Uncle Tusk, you stated in October 12's "Ask Uncle Tusk" that you have never received a good letter. What exactly would a good letter be like? I wish to know so that at some point in the future I can send you a good letter. (Give me a serious answer, please.)
Well, thank you for taking the time to read all of my questions. Hopefully they will see the light o