Scribes

Scribes
Publisher	Rare
Original language	English
Release date	June 2, 1998―July 27, 2012

Scribes was a section on the official Rare website. The segment was similar to Ask Uncle Tusk. On it, users were able to submit questions about games, to which Leigh Loveday would respond. The provided response was typically sarcastic, though the user's question would typically end up being answered (unless the initial letter itself was nonsensical). Scribes ran from 1998 to 2012. Many questions sent in pertained to the Donkey Kong franchise, and some pertained to the Super Mario franchise as well.

Website descriptions

Unlike Ask Uncle Tusk, the description for Scribes was updated monthly with each new release. These are listed below, from oldest to newest.

• Good Lord. You have been busy. Well, let's bury our heads in the ever-growing pile of mail and see what pearls of eccentricity we can dig out...
• Another month, another mailbag. Well, actually it's been less than a month. But I don't care. I thrive on inconsistency. Stop complaining.
• Write to Scribes and win a prize, If you believe our stinking lies.
• More informative than a murder suspect's pants drawer - that's Scribes. So write to us and get a really worthwhile answer. Ahem.
• The letters page that coined the term 'arsewig', except it didn't. Never mind. Write to us anyway, you scum.
• Eighty days around the world, We'll find a pot of gold, Just sitting where the Scribes have ended...
• Carrying a message, A message of hope... Or possibly not, let's face it.
• Tis the season to be jolly, Fa la la la laaa, La la la l-arse.
• Still a bit of a correspondence back-'log' from the Xmas period, so expect more Scribeage soon...
• More bog standard debate. Bog standard. Bog standard!!! Ah me, that's a good one.
• Wow! A big helicopter's just gone past. Sorry, what was it you wanted?
• And lo, they knew not what was good for them, and looked into the mailbox once more...
• Tense, nervous headache? Acid indigestion? Yeah, that's Scribes for you.
• I really should try to get these Scribes out more often. Agh. What a horrible prospect.
• Lie back, open your mind and bathe in the raw, uninhibited euphoria of what we call 'Scribes'.
• Rar! Look - it's Scribes! Don't run away, small child. The Scribes won't hurt you. Rar!
• Come in, come in. We've got all sorts of tedious sweary letters to show you.
• Whoops. It's all too easy to find alternatives to updating Scribes.
• What's a couple of weeks between Scribes? Not nearly long enough, that's what.
• We wish you a Merry Xmas, and an Armageddon-compliant New Year. Now dance, boy!
• Yeah, I know it's been ages. What can I say? Except possibly "shut up".
• Scribes covers the big issues! And throws in some rubbish picture attachments.
• Ding dong merrily on Scribes, in heaven the... hang on, it's only April.
• Let's see, how much valuable information can we completely fail to give away today?
• Just like a forming rainbow, Just like the stars in the sky, Scribes should never feel small...
• Where's the party at? Ho! Where's the party at? Ho! Ho! Not here, pal - this is Scribes.
• Time for Scribes again, eh? Give me a minute to finish my ham and crisp sandwiches...
• Looking for intellectual banter and keen philosophical dissection? Get out now while you still can.
• Christmas Scribes, Mistletoe and bad vibes, RPAs and Mr. Pants jibes...
• As Shakespeare himself once put it: "You see that Scribes, it's a right load of skanky old toss."
• Happy Easter! We've got plenty of eggs for you: the usual steaming dog's eggs sent in by our readers.
• 'Beware the Ides of March'? Personally I'm more inclined to 'Beware the Scribes of May'.
• It's the first Scribes of the relaunched site, and it's devoted to that very subject...
• "Worlds on fire, full of pain and endless fear..." Yep, sounds about right.
• Here comes Scribes, it's like honey / You can't buy it with money. Apparently.
• Look at the Scribes, Look how they shine for you... Wait, that's just a urine stain.
• Two Scribes within the space of a month? Is that sensible? Is it even legal?
• We're making a list, we're checking it twice... and it's still full of PD button code rubbish.
• Remember Lambert's words: "You only have one life. If you value it... read another page."
• I'm looking for something and anything will do / So hey, Scribes, it might as well be you...
• Confused over the unseasonal sunshine? Well, here's Scribes - your own personal raincloud.
• Scribes is the wellspring from which you flow. When it is gone, you will have never been.
• I hate running out of things to do - it means I can't put off Scribes any longer.
• Your monthly/bi-monthly/ biannual delve into the murky rectal chasm of reader mail.

Entries

Below are Scribes entries featuring content involving said characters published prior to Microsoft's acquisition of Rare. This also includes entries that only featured Super Mario-related replies. Replies from Rare are in bold and italics.

1998

• Dear Scribes,

I would like your opinion on a rumor I recently made up, er, I mean heard: Koopa's claim to fame separating himself from the countless other Koopa Troopas was the role he won the part for in 1992's Super Mario Kart. Koopa later agreed to change his name to something more original, Magikoopa, which he used in SMW2, SMRPG, and Tetris 2. Magikoopa was working on the Mario Kart 64 project (there were screen shots of the game with him included in them) until Nintendo found out that he had already signed a contract with Rare. (Nintendo then filled his vacancy in the game with Wario.) Meanwhile, Magikoopa agreed to change his name once again to Tiptup for DKR. So, is it true?

Ed "The Legend" Price; the--legend@juno.com

Tiptup is actually the result of a horrific voodoo curse put on a small Botswanan child caught thieving pies from Abu the Witch Doctor's Offal Shoppe, while Magikoopa did apply for a part in DKR but was tragically crushed under the wheels of a tractor on his way to the interview. Life is full of these brutal little dramas.

• Dear RW,

First, hey!!!! kiler^[sic] instyint^[sic] ROX!!!!!1!!. Second, what is Conker's Quest going to be like: cartoony (a la DKR), sarcastic and wacky (a la Gex: Enter the Gecko, though I thought it was a tad corny), just plain fun (a la Mario), or other? And can you hint obscurely at any future games (not too obscurely)? Third(?), I love every Rare game I've played and now you have an awesome webpage to back it up (it's better than NOA's, *chortle*). Fourth, make a Blast Corps sequel, and that's an order (just kidding). Fifth, hey!!!! kiler^[sic] instyint^[sic] ROX!!!!!1!! Sixth, sorry, I'll quit wasting your time. Seventh, pretend I didn't post the last one or this one, either. Thanks you!

Incoherently yours,

Chad A. (RTQLIT@prodigy.net)

• Dear Scribes,

I like your site's tongue-in-cheek humor. But that line on the Main Menu about implausibly-endowed women posturing in the gallery...come on. Of course real women look like Orchid or Kim Wu. I see lots of them, all the time. Really. I do believe you've spent too much time making cuddly games like Diddy Kong Racing and Banjo-Kazooie, thus suffering loss of perception or reality. Animals on two legs and wearing clothes, indeed! The Killer Ladies are much, much more realistic and....

Bdrodman@aol.com

Going to have to stop you there, old boy. You're on the verge of dissing Pipsy, and obviously we can't be having any of that. Besides, you're clearly off your head.

• Dear Rare guys,

Love the site. Really. Okay, I just like your site. Anyhoo, I's gots a question fors yas. What is the offical name for Donkey Kong World/Donkey Kong 64/Ultra Donkey Kong? Also, someone pointed out to me that you just whipped Diddy Kong Racing outta your arse, and didn't show it at E3. Any chance you might whip Donkey Kong World/Donkey Kong 64/Ultra Donkey Kong outta your arse, too?

Thanks a lot,

~Matt (Bastion007@aol.com)

Hey! We so crazy, we don't even know what we're going to 'whip outta our arse' next. And we don't actually have a finalised name for DK64. All the titles you've seen floating around so far are the results of various industry types (journos, distributors etc.) trying to pin a label on the thing. It could still end up being called Donkey Kong's Titillating Knicker Quest for all we know.

• Dear Scribes,

I would like to know if it is official Rare policy to take a game that has sold well and make it look nicer? It seems thats^[sic] what you always do; DKC was just a nicer looking (but shallower) Mario, DKR was just Mario Kart. Why don't Rare actually utilise all the great machines and staff they undoubtably^[sic] have and produce some original games? Don't get me wrong, Rare make good games, but they could make great games. The only game that Rare have done that will survive the test of time (aside from their early stuff) is GoldenEye.

I know you probably won't print this letter because I'm not singing your praises and actually have a few serious questions (as opposed to telling you how great all your games are and asking you why Orchid doesn't marry Donkey Kong). But I'd like to know your opinions on this. Maybe I'm wrong. What do you think?

Michael Owen (existential11@hotmail.com)

Have Orchid marry Donkey Kong? That's a brilliant idea! Thanks. ''Okay, now let's see. How can we be expected to invent a completely new genre with every game we release? It's not possible. The only way that DKC was like Mario was that both followed the same scrolling platform formula, just like several thousand other games since the dawn of the industry. Everything else (graphic style, modes of play, blah) was different.''

• Dear Scribes,

Ok I have a couple of questions and I am hoping you answer them...

1: After appearing in DKR, Banjo, and Conker both got their own game. I have heard that Tiptup is in Banjo-Kazooie. My question is, will other DKR characters (like Timber or Drumstick) get their own game in the near future?

2: Are there any plans to make a 64 bit DKC, with a Co-Op mode like in Twelve Tales: Conker 64?

3: And I don't know if you know yet but will Perfect Dark feature more or less levels than GoldenEye?

Thank you for reading my questions, please print these I need to know.

JK (YoshiKid14@aol.com)

1: Drumstick will be appearing in the 75% complete Wacky Abattoir Mayhem, a puzzle-based 3D platformer which will be Nintendo's big title at this year's Space World show. But if it's fact rather than stupid lies you're after, well, er, all I can say is "possibly". 2: What? Set it in a chain of cheap local supermarkets? Funny idea. DK64 is certainly in production, but very few specific features/modes have been finalised yet. (Translation: we don't know.) 3: Erm... hang on. I'll ring the team. Hello? Yes... right. Okay. Apparently it'll have "less than three times as many levels". So that's that one cleared up, then.

• Dear RW,

TIPTUP RULES!!!!!!!!!!!! MAKE A WHOLE GAME ABOUT HIM!!!!!!!!!!! HE'S THE RADEST^[sic] TURTLE EVER!!!! I BEET FIRST AND SECOND ADVENTURE WHITH^[sic] HIM!!!!!!!! WILL I EVER SEE HIM ANY OTHER GAME BESIDES DKR?!?!?! I'VE GOT TIPTUP FEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE RESPOND, PLEASE RESPOND, PLEASE RESPOND, PLEASSSEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! (Forgot to take caps lock off.)

jsrmd@mtwest.net

You forgot to disengage your unique Exclamation Lock key as well, you jabbering madman. Look, look! We've crowbarred a cameo appearance from Tiptup into Banjo-Kazooie for no other reason than to make you buy it. Are we really mean? Yes. We are.

• Dear Scribes,

Just a thought: just like Nintendo should release a Zelda Trilogy game with updated graphics, you boys should release Legend: Donkey Kong Country Trilogy. Update the graphics a bit, add some hidden things, maybe allow us to use, say, Kiddy Kong in DKC 1. How titillating!! Also, throw in a graphically (and otherwise, if you wish) updated version of the original Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr. games. (In DK Junior, Mario is an evil poacher!!! Tee Hee!!!). Add a new, say bonus level mix of all the characters (including a playable version of Cranky Kong, Wrinkly Kong, Swanky Kong, etceteras.) MORE KONGS!!! Throw in Donkey's distant cousin, the insane baboon I'd like to call, say, Nutty Kong. Release this awesome monster closely after Ultra DK or whatever it's called. This game could only take up, say, a 16 megabyte cartridge. DO IT!! The sales will be huge, the production costs will be fairly low, you will be victorious!!! I may be a loon, or a goon, or just a Nintendo geek, but you guys are whiz-bang and Jiminy Doo-dah!!

Love and hugs,

Evil Villain (evil_villain@hotmail.com)

Er... thanks. Quite a few people have made suggestions along these lines, actually, which means that we'd be guaranteed sales of about six if we went ahead with it one day. There are drawbacks to it, though. The games are still selling as they are, for one thing, so most people who'd buy the compilation have already got each of the titles separately. I doubt they're old enough to be considered 'retro', either, so we'd just get slated for trying to make an easy profit. But it's a nice idea. You never know.

• Dear Scribes,

Excellent Site, Good Work...

Ok here are some questions and statements I want to get off my chest (as well as the hairs):

1. Mr Pants looks a bit 'too' much like Hitler in a nappy, you're not German by any chance are you?

2. Being a Brit I get pretty ape crazy at those Jap companies giving me conversions with huge borders and 17.5% slowdown, then when they do give us a decent conversion it takes them about 2 years to do it. I thank you for giving us such good conversions (perfect conversions in fact) but with the newer games using more of the machine's power does that mean even your games will start getting bordered?

3. Does PAL Banjo-Kazooie run fullspeed fullscreen and when is it coming out?

4. What is it with Rare and fluffy animals? You lot must have pretty twisted minds.

5. I've got $500 so can I have the Perfect Dark ROM pleaseeeeeeeeeee?

6. WHY NOT???!!???

Ed Welsby (tyrant.ed@virgin.net)

1. What, you mean he's got a 'tache? So Mario looks like Hitler in dungarees, does he?

2. We're not going to intentionally let that happen, no. We'll just whip the programmers harder.

3. Yes, yes and the end of July.

4. Are we the ones comparing cartoon characters to fascist dictators here?

5. Yes, alright.

6. Hang on, I said yes. You don't want it after all? Sod you then.

• Dear Scribes,

1. Question, WHO THE HELL IS MR PANTS. You see I only recently discovered the Rarewhere? website and after going over it once or twice I am a little confused about this Mr Pants ordeal.

2. Do you plan to make any RPG's in the future? Don't give me that crap about GoldenEye having RPG-like scenarios 'cause that's bull.

3. Is it true most of Rare's games-making stuff goes on in a converted farmhouse?

4. How 'bout an erotic phone number section on your website HUH HUH?

From MR SOILED UNDERWARE.

1. Mr. Pants is a character I 'produced' in about 30 seconds one day when it became obvious that none of our artists had the spare time to put together a new render of an existing Rare character for the Survey page. Since his international debut, many people have criticised Mr. Pants for being "crap" and "badly-drawn". They are correct.

2. When did we say that GoldenEye was even remotely RPGish? You crazy damn foo'. New RPGs? Dunno, we might do.

3. Yup. Chickens 'n' all.

4. What, like "Squeeze your banana in Donkey Kong's face", that sort of thing?

Is Underware anything like Tupperware?

• My grandmother tells me there is subliminal messages hidden in the alignment of cubicles in the Toilet Level of your so-called GoldenEye game. Her persistent squeaks whenever I "have a go" at this level are beginning to grate.

Mark Birchall

Is she Pipsy the Mouse? She jus' be messin' witcho' head, man.

• Dear Scribes,

Oooh!!! Owwww! The PAIN! The pain of waiting for DKC 64 to come!!! Who are you going to put in it? Donkey Kong and Diddy! PLEASE!!!! I have a few name suggestions for DKC4!

1. Donkey Kong Country 64: KAOS Kontinues.

2. Donkey Kong Country 64: A banana is forever.

3. Donkey Kong Country 64: KONG KLAN'S KAOS KRUESADE.

4. Donkey Kong Country 64: Who you callin a chimp, chump!

5. Donkey Kong Country 64: No monkeying around!

Adam Neikirk

Wow. They're, like, really bad. But not as bad as the one I'm still campaigning for after all these years: K. Rool's Supercool Stool Pool, a quest set during the 70s where DK has to prevent the leader of the Kremlings from polluting Donkey Kong Country by, er, 'passing a motion' in the water supply.

• Greetings writer o' the scribes.

I was having a nice sit down and a cup of luke warm tea the other day when it hit me that I had never finished a game by Rare. Reaching the regular old K. Rool on the Kong games is easy enough, but then I had forgotten about the Lost World and the bleedin' TUFST cheat on DKC3. I have since been lost in my room trying to get that legendary 105% so I can beat Cranky and be happy for the rest of my life.

Why do you Rare guys make your games so hard?

mark@motivesoft

So it's not the main game that's hard, it's the bonus bits bolted onto the end... that's good, surely? Because then all the kiddies and stupid people have a chance to make it all the way through, while the hardened gameplaying psychopaths can get their money's worth by hammering away at the extra challenges like budgies at a window. That's sort of the plan.

• To whom it may concern....

I have compiled a list of questions for you guys:-

1. Are you making Tomorrow Never Dies? When is it coming out?

2. How do I get to the secret Banjo-Tooie areas? It's just like DKR right, where I get another adventure to do?

3. How do I get to play 4 player deathmatch on the other arenas in G. Eye?? I there a code to do this? I know there is a way to do it!

4. How do I access the 24th slot cheat option in G.Eye?

5. Are you making a Gran Turismo killer in secret?

6. Can I play as all the Bonds in G.Eye?

As you may have guessed the above 6 questions I have compiled are the most fu*"?g annoying questions I have to put up with on your site, in every single N64 magazine, and basically everywhere and anywhere in the world where you see anything at all on RARE. Are people stupid? Do they have to be told everything 10 times before it sinks in?!

I've got a few more too, but are N64 specific and not just RARE related....see if you can recognise these little gems:-

1. Will FFVII come out on the N64? Are Square planning any RPGs at all?

2. Why must we wait so long for N64 PAL releases? There is no excuse for such a long wait after the NTSC release blah blah yawn yawn etc etc.

3. When is the 64DD going to be released? Will it have the modem on it or not? (my personal favourite, this one).....

4. Is Luigi in SMario64? Where do I find him?

5. Why are third party titles so sh*t on the N64? (this is a valid one though, I have to say!)

Anyway, enough moaning. I do have some serious stuff though..... 3D games - they are brilliant, and perfect for the N64. But I still love 2D games too - games designers seem to have forgotten how good 2D games can be. Remember Contra III, Castlevania (1986 video game)|Castlevania}}? How about Super Metroid on the SNES? The game is absolutely brilliant, a classic, no question. Now if Rare were to make a 2D, Super Metroid inspired game for N64, it would be very special indeed. Yoshi's Island showed that the graphic abilities of the machine with a 2D game can be fantastic, and with the Rare magic you could get the all important atmosphere just right.

I am all for 3D of course, and Zelda looks better and better every month (and BK is great...well done). But I would definitely still buy a great 2D game, and so would a lot of other people. Also, this could be expanded to include the 'Old School' RPG's on the SNES.......Secret Of Mana, Chrono Trigger, Breath Of Fire etc etc. Now these games were brilliant, and very similar games could be released easily on the N64, with improved visuals and sound but a similar 'feel'. Look at Alundra on the Playstation.....this is what I am getting at. You do not have to push a machine like the N64 to its limits in order to make a brilliant game, if the design and gameplay are right then you are virtually there. Multiplayers could be brought in too - Gauntlet the arcade machine springs to mind. I defy anyone who plays with 3 mates on that machine even today not to have a brilliant laugh.

So that's about it really.

Oh yeah, if you guys do have a 'secret' game you are getting ready for the Xmas period, make it a Resident Evil rip off please?

Thanks.

Itchy....Scratchy.

Tony Banks

As far as the 2D/3D debate goes, well, it's a fact that people in general expect 'better' things from their 'better' consoles. Hence the gradual disappearance of 2D games since the 16-bit days. The Graphics Tarts really are on the rise, but then again, that doesn't have to be a bad thing: compare the success of Super Mario 64 to that of Yoshi's Story. 3D games can just as easily be classics if the same levels of thought and dedication are applied to them. And this reply has become far too sensible so I should probably stop now.

• Dear Scribes,

While I know you won't listen to a young turk like me, I've come up with several game ideas, some silly and some serious. How about Donkey Kong Country 0, a prequel starring Cranky Kong and Bazooka Bear (from DKC3) fighting in the Kremean^[sic] War that was briefly mentioned in DKC3.

You should also make Donkey and Candy: The Wedding, where Donkey and Candy finally tie the knot in the first ever Donkey Kong RPG!

Finally, make Diddy Kong Racing 2, where Wizpig can finally die, and all the furry young animals can have bacon for breakfast! Seriously consider my ideas. Anything with the words 'Donkey Kong' on it these days is a fortune.

SirSlush2@aol.com

Groovy ideas, with one exception: Wizpig can't die. This is the world of cutesy games you're talking about, and death isn't even conceivable (except in Pipsy's case - funny how she brings out the worst in people). No, Wizpig would have to be farcically fired into outer space from a big cannon, or flattened into a big grumpy puddle by a steamroller, or something. See how we've got a handle on this whole cutesy thing? Uncanny, isn't it?

• Dear Scribes,

Do you guys like to torture your diehard fans on purpose? As I type this, it has now been one year, 9 months, and 11 days since a new DKC game. I've had DKL III, sure, and Diddy Kong Racing and Banjo-Kazooie. But you've already said you were working on DKC64. Can't you at least show us one little screen shot? It can even be from the end credits, I don't care anymore! You've turned this once sane, perfectly healthy man, into a sobbering, little, pathetic, puddle of sorrow. Will it be 64DD compatiable^[sic]? Will it star all four main Kongs? Will it be in 3-D or 2-D? You guys don't care about telling us, oh no.

I respect your decision to make it perfect. But you haven't even made an official announcement yet! When is the projected release date? You won't tell! As far as I can confirm, you just want to pull a Diddy Kong Racing on us, where you announce the game almost right before it's release. You said that you would put any worthwhile news on your website. Just tell us one, tiny little thing, besides the fact that it will be for the N64. Do it for your fans.

SirSlush2@aol.com

All we can say is that we'll show you the goods when we're ready. Yes, of course we want to get it as damn near perfect as we can, and no, we're not trying to annoy everyone by clinging onto it for so long. Just bear with us. Here's an amazing DKC64 fact to tide you over: Donkey Kong will be making a return to the limelight at last. You probably could have guessed that anyway, but, you know, you did ask. Oi! Stop spitting at me.

• Dear Scribes,

The first time I played DKR I picked Tiptup and I still use him to this day. He is the greatest racer this world has ever known. I was happy to see that Tiptup was in Banjo-Kazooie as well, but, how could you make a game without him? right?

The other day, I when^[sic] to the store and said to the clerk, "I would like to purchase 'Heaven and Shell: Tiptup 64' please." The clerk gave me a funny look and replied, "We don't carry that...you will have to try another store." Now, anyone knows that if a store doesn't have all the BEST merchandise, it goes under, and since this store was still standing I figured I had the name wrong. "What about 'Slow and Steady 64'" I asked. "Look, pal." The clerk said, " All the games we have are in the glass case over there." He pointed to the N64 section. That was when I realized that Tiptup DIDN'T HAVE A GAME.

Now, Diddy has his own games and they count for Krunch, too. Banjo has his own game (obviously). Timber, Drumstick, T.T. and Pipsy all live on the Island so, DKR is THEIR game (even if it's called DIDDY KONG Racing). Conker has not one but TWO titles comming^[sic] out. That leaves Tiptup and Bumper. I don't know WHERE Bumper came from and, frankly, I don't care.

I have a vision of Tiptup going on a wild adventure in which Tiptup learns not to be so clumsy and less frightened by things. I call it 'Tiptup Comes Out of his Shell' or 'One Shell of an Adventure: Tiptup 64'. Aided by his slow witted but well meaning brute of a friend TankTup (the giant living concert hall in BK) Tiptup must battle an evil Hare (the tortise^[sic] and the Hare have been locked in mortal combat since the beginning of time) who has kidnapped Tiptup's choir. At the end, Tiptup dusts off his old kart for one last race, and this time, the Hare won't be caught sleeping.

Now, I admit I made some rash decisions before writing this letter. My original plan was to force you to make the game through Terrorism. (Another flash-back... Cue wavy lines)

My plan was ready and I ran from my house. I could not risk entering your HQ so I hid outside in the bushes. As I waited, I pondered just how sharp the edge of my T.V. remote control really was. I thought about touching the seemingly blunt, rounded off edge but could not, through fear that my fingertip would be sliced clear off. Suddenly, I heard someone exiting the building. The plan was to kill just one of the staff. That way, the rest could hire someone to replace him and make the game...or else. I leapt from my hideaway, trusty T.V. remote in hand, and unleashed handheld, plastic fury at the man before me. When I stopped, I saw that my prey had endured, unscathed by my blade. He was looking at me, perplexed, like I was an impossible to get glass key. 'DAMN!' I thought, 'He must be some kind of Super-Human!'. I should have thought of the possibility before. The makers of such fine games would have to be more that^[sic] just your ordinary Johnny Lunchpail, Joe Blow or John Q. Public. With no options left, I fled from the scene, running like the wind back to my home. FOILED!

Now, I'm sure you don't remember this so I'll tell you why. You see, I live in Canada, not England, and since the attack took place within running distance from my home... It turned out I attacked a bakery, OK!?!

I will spare you the tale of how I tried to raise Tiptup-Awareness in my community by putting on a Tenage^[sic] Mutant Ninja Turtles costume, spread bannanas^[sic] and balloons all over a go-cart track, and challenged people to race. I learned a few things that day. Let me just say that:

1) Balloons float away.

2) Running over bananas hinders your speed, and doesn't increase it as you would like us to believe.

3) I sat on my remote and not only was I not impaled, but my pants didn't even rip. I now use it as a club, striking people with the battery filled end.

4) When you hit the gas as you hear 'GO!' you do not zip forward at high speed but run over and get stuck on the-guy-that-works-there-who-didn't-get-out-of-the-way-fast-enough.

So, after all my mis-adventures, I decided a letter would be the best course of action. Make no mistake, you WILL give Tiptup his rightly deserved game. I'm sure once people read this, EVERYONE will be chanting the name...."TIPTUP! TIPTUP! TIPTUP! TIPTUP!"

Thanks for your time,

Eric Rosenlund a.k.a. Beb

What is it about Tiptup that inspires such mindless devotion? I'd have voted Timber's mad staring eyes the most likely cause of brainwashing in DKR, if anything. And Tiptup does actually live on Timber's island with the rest of them - what other reason could there be for letting the clumsy, babbling idiot join in all the races? Still, out of a nagging sense of fair play, I put the matter to DKR's designer and he had this to say: "There has been a huge demand for a new game starring Tip Tup which has been totally unexpected. Tip Tup will return, but not yet in a game of his own. Look out for the little fella in 1999." Meanwhile, if any other readers have an opinion on what exactly it is that makes Tiptup such a favourite, we're always ready to feign a polite interest.

• Dear Scribes,

This is the second time I have written your institution, and have yet to recieve^[sic] any reply about me being admitted into it. The flying elves are getting worse and just won't seem to leave me alone. Everyday I wake up, they pelt me with hordes and hordes of beanie babies (and I don't care what they say my ass looks nothing like an onion). I'm beginning to think the elves are in on it with my friends, cause every time I swat one down and show it to them they just say something like, "Yes, that is a fine looking one", and shortly after leave my house. Well anyway, I really could use those things I eat that make me feel happy (ya know, those oval shaped things you get at the drug store...I think they're made by Hostess). I still think Rarewear is a weird name for a mental institution.

Love always,

Osiris

P.S. Why do the patients answer the email?

Dear Mr. O'Siris, further to your repeated correspondence of September 1998, I regret to inform you that your application to the Rareware Institute has been turned down. Your constant references to "flying elves" and "oval shaped things" have triggered a series of untimely Yoshi's Story flashbacks amongst the patients, from which some have yet to recover. We hold you personally responsible for this incident and the lads are on their way round at this very moment with monkey wrenches and sticks.

• Dear Scribes,

Why is there no violence in Goldeneye? Who made, or forced, the decision to leave out blood (and brains and bone)? Nintendo got heavy slagging from the industry press some years ago when they refused to allow the SNES conversion of Mortal Kombat to have any red stuff in it, despite the fact that the other conversions all had lashings of gore. Was it a Nintendo decision, or did the Rare designers just wimp out of their own accord? Resident Evil sold extremely well despite, or more precisely, because of, its high gore content. Is Goldeneye another example of the fact that many games companies don't seem to want to cater for the needs of a more mature audience who can handle more adult themes and content?

Why do the dead bodies rez out after a few seconds? I've read something somewhere about how the game would eventually stop if they didn't, but I don't understand why that should be so. Surely, if they're in the game, the game has to handle the data for them regardless of whether they're moving or not? Obviously, on some of the instant respawn levels, like the end of the Facility once you've talked with Trevelyan, it would make things tricky as the corridor would soon be hip-deep in dead soldiers. But that'd be cool. Plant a few remote mines, shoot 30 or 40 soldiers as they round the corner, then detonate the mines under the pile of corpses and wait for the rain of body parts... We're not all 12. We don't all want to play Super Mario.

Pihkaljar (Pihkaljar@aol.com)

Look what you've done now. The designer's been wanting to address this alarmingly common criticism for some time now, and you've just given him the opportunity. Taste his wrath, sir: "The level of violence in Goldeneye is comparable to the level of violence in the Bond films. This means that dismemberment is not ever-present, and is confined to set-piece scenes that either serve to reinforce the evil nature of the central villain and/or his henchmen, or to provide the audience with a sense of justice in seeing the same thing happen to the central villain later on in the film. Resident Evil is not tied to any particular zombie flick, though it is clearly influenced by them. In such films, gore is more commonplace; it is moderated by the fantasy context of the genre. Re-animated corpses are not normal sights in the world of James Bond. If the game had been as violent as a zombie horror film, it would not have been a good representation or translation of GoldenEye or the characters in it, and in the eyes of the team it would have been wimping out to have simply added to an increasingly stagnant first-person shooter genre. It was far more risky to have the maturity of stealth and thinking your way through replacing the immaturity of gore and dismemberment as the core of the game. What, by the way, is specifically adult about demanding that your games have outrageous amounts of guts to be worth playing? The dead bodies fade out because if they did not, you would have to draw more polygons than the machine could handle to maintain the framerate, and as a result it would spend more time thinking about what to draw on the screen than actually drawing it. 'Respawning' means that once dead, the soldier is replaced by a spontaneously generated live copy; emphasis on the word 'generated'. It means that the soldiers are not hiding around the corner until their numbers are called, but are not actually there at all until they are created by the death of another soldier. Playing Super Mario would benefit you enormously as it would sublimate your violent anti-social tendencies and give you a respect and appreciation of genuine gameplay which you appear to lack."

• You know what I did? In Candy's Save place in DKC, I turned DK around when Candy blows a kiss, so she is kissing his butt! Hahaha!

Chad M.

What did I do to deserve this job?

• Dear Scribes,

Did you ever realize how much your games may hurt a child? You might teach 6 year olds, to roll off trees, trying to reach another! (As taught in Donkey Kong Country). Don't even get me started with Goldeneye, and an aim between one's eyes. Banjo's Beak-Barge move, will teach younger children to ram their heads into doors to open them. I also suppose in Twelve Tales: Conker 64, that he will be able to chuck acorns, or something like that at baddies. The new fad in my neighborhood will be acorn fights, of which, when they run out of nuts, they will start huckin' rocks at each other! DKR and the missiles... I'm glad I'm the only one in the neighborhood to get a copy!!! I have tested all of the above things, from tree rolling attempts to shooting missiles at subject 'A'. I have tested all these alone, in fear of being harmed, and yes, I'm subject 'A'. What are you laughing at? This is serious! It took me an hour of "Beak-Barging" into my bedroom last night! Oh, and I just can't WAIT to get started on testing Jet Force Gemini, and Perfect Dark! (Sarcastically)

Please, stop the violence! In the name of HUMANITY!!!!

Crazy Albert

Hey - we can't help it if you're crap at the Beak Barge. It always works first time for us. Anyway, in the light of your brutally truthful arguments, we've decided to make our next project a flower-growing simulator called Pansy. No guns, no explosions, no potentially dangerous athleticism. If Pansy doesn't make the world a better place, nothing will.

• Dear Scribes,

You asked 9/25/98 (25/9/98) what makes Tiptup such a popular character and why he inspires such mindless devotion. I believe it has something to do with reaching your goals. Tiptup began as a whiney, pathetic, little turtle with the unmistakable voice of Paul "Pee-wee" Reubans. And yet even though he was a coward, even though we was^[sic] clumsy, he survived DKR, and helped the others out greatly. He went from being a loser to being a hero. Then apparently he found out Wizpig destroyed his house or something so he moved to Bubble Gloop Swamp. Then the little unattractive guy went through puberty, and got a macho voice, and a muscular enormous build. So the immortal story of Tiptup is that even the most pathetic person can be successful. It brings a tear to my eye every time I think of it....

So, yes, Tiptup should get his own game. It would finally silence his legions of fans' endless complaining. And it would mean profits for you guys.

SirSlush2@aol.com

Yeah - it'd be particularly good if he co-starred with a giant eagle, because then he could get dropped onto a boulder from a great height and explode everywhere.

• Dear Scribes,

You guys suck! You deny everything! I should put my foot so far up your arse that you'll have to use the jaws of life to get it out! You won't admit to KI3, Goldeneye 2, and Tiptup 64! I know what really happned^[sic] with the next Bond game, you guys couldn't snag the rights to even make the game! Now you guys are trying to snag the rights for next year's Bond film. Hehehehehehehehehe. I know just about everything! I'm just like Santa Claus, I'm the monster under your bed, I'm an American FBI agent! (hehe) I know everything that you do. Hehe. Take a look in my eye, you know I'm telling the truth.

Also Banjo got shot yesterday by Kazooie in my home, yes there were gunshots and egg yolk all over the wall, but some people think that it was Bond that shot Banjo, because birds can't hold guns but, police detectives are checking it out. I do not know who shot Banjo because I was not home.

Well good luck in the future, I'll be watching...... hahahahahahaha.

AAHawkeye@aol.com

Let me get this straight - would we 'not suck' if we didn't deny things, even if they were a load of made-up old tat? And how can you emphatically state that "Banjo got shot by Kazooie yesterday" then admit that you don't really know who shot him because you weren't there? It's all circumstantial, as far as I can tell. Can you prove she wasn't framed? How do you know it wasn't suicide?

• Hello,

I've just been reading NMS and they said that PD is going to have a two player co-operative mode, is this true and if so who's the other character?

How about making a game of Robot Wars, where you get to make crap remote control cars covered in even more crap, and just get to slowly bump into each other and watch Jeremy Clarkson ponce around in the background trying to take the p*ss out of the contestants but completely failing.

And why the hell does averyone^[sic] like Tip Tup so much, everyone can see that Krunch is the best.

Has anyone there thought about putting Mr. Pants in PD as a secret Deathmatch character 'cos that'll be coo-el.

Anyway I can't really be arsed to write anything else.

J Dean

Despite what's being said, the co-op mode isn't a fact just yet. There's a wish list of features for PD (just as there was for GoldenEye), and try as the team might to squeeze it all in, there just ain't no guarantees. As the designer puts it: "We can't confirm that it will go in because it might come out before the game is released, due to it not being right. And then we'd end up looking stupid. A 3D Canasta sub-game is also on the wish list." Oh, and Krunch is a baddie. Therefore you have the psychological profile of a serial killer.

• Dear Mister Scribes,

I've got some suggestions for possible games that you might like to try using:

1. South Park UK: Pip's Revenge. Pip gets so p*ssed off with everyone teasing him that he throws lethal dodgeballs at them. Unfortunately, there's lots of bad guys in his way.

2. Bill The Sausage Man. Bill The Sausage Man, everyone's favourite Sausage Man, battles through his meat-hating world and finally meets Fat Tub Of Lard.

3. Banjo And Kazooie Make Toast. When Gruntilda is reincarnated as a piece of bread, it's up to Banjo and Kazooie to get her before she gets away (even though bread doesn't have any legs or wings) then put her into a toaster and watch her burn in toaster hell.

4. Dr. Fegg's Nintendo Book Of Knowledge. Based on the book, Dr Fegg's Nasty Book Of Knowledge. Fight your way through the Maze For People Who Don't Like To Get Confused! Battle the West Bromwich Fighting Haddock! Rip up the book of The Nasty Babysitter! And eat the Self-Eating Welsh Rarebit before it eats itself!

5. Snumpy Chumpy Goes For A Walk. Snumpy Chumpy walks around in a circle before he dies.

Take my suggestions or else.....Snumpy Chumpy will die nastily! From the banana second from the left in the third group of bananas on Everfrost Peak on Diddy Kong Racing (only on the copy that someone owns in a red-brick house in Middlesex, when they are playing as Drumstick on Adventure Two)

It was, of course, Snumpy Chumpy Goes For A Walk that got your letter printed. As a rule we don't accept game design ideas from outside the company, but with Snumpy Chumpy we feel we've got a potential system-seller on our hands. Such disarming simplicity! Such a revolutionary control setup! Such incalculable replay value! And best of all, it'll only take about half an hour to make.

• Dear Scribes@Rareware:

I am an avid fan of your games (all the way back to Cobra Triangle for the NES), and I would just like to know if you would ever revive the BattleToads franchise. The original series was great, and I can't help but wonder how awesome a BattleToads game would be on the Nintendo 64. Even if they're just forced to appear as cameos in DKC, Banjo, or Konker^[sic] titles, please revive them.

-ACE

What can we say? It might well happen one day. We're free to make a 64-bit Battletoads game if we want to, but at the moment we're all booked up with other projects. I know you thrive on this corporate ambiguity. I'm not sure a bunch of slap-happy amphibian thugs would fit well into the happy, smiley world of DK or Conker - though Wizpig does bear a certain resemblance to the Toads' old enemies...

• Dear Scribes,

Tiptup, just say that name over and over. It inspires one to go to a local go-cart track and scream your bloody spleens out as you pretend to shoot rockets at the other bewildered racers. Please make a new game with Tiptup, I need to satisfy my turtle-racing needs, I've already gotten banned from all the "Putt-Putts" within a 200 mile radius of my home. So I beg you, make a Tiptup game. Call it: Tiptup goes to Shell. One of those mindless shooters that go platinum everytime^[sic]. Or if you want a female companion, put that hot Pipsy in the game and call it Tiptanic. A romantic adventure game of that ill-fated trip. So unlike our U.S gov. please listen to the people.

Will Gordy, Devoted Tiptup the Turtle Fan

P.S. Make it under $50 too.

Tiptanic, eh? Sounds like a winner to me. Not that I'd want to see Pipsy lying naked on a sofa for any length of time. One thing, though: why do your Tiptup impressions involve a lot of screaming and excessive violence? I thought he was supposed to be the endearingly clumsy and reluctant one. Do you know something we don't, or are you just sick in the head?

• Dear Scribes,

I've noticed an unsettling feature in Banjo-Kazooie, and I fear that this trend may parade into your future games. Tiptup and Gnawty the beaver were both in Banjo-Kazooie. Then I got to thinking. What if you put Rare characters in other games they are not supposed to be in? I've had erotic visions of Pipsy the mouse in Jet Force Gemini, and I can't quite seem to get the dang gone picture out of my head. Then I wondered if Gobi the camel would show his ugly hiner in JFG. What if you stuck any old character in any old game, just because you guys were feeling frisky? You see, I've made it my life goal to get every game that Donkey Kong (the new Donkey Kong, not that horrid piece of terd Mr. Miyamoto created), Diddy, Dixie, Kiddy, Cranky, Wrinkly, Candy, Swanky, Funky, Banjo, Conker, Tiptup, Kazooie, Timber, Loggo (the most emotionally gripping character ever concieved^[sic] by mankind), Krunch, etc., is in. I won't buy any Rare game that doesn't have one of those furry little pests in it, and I was wondering, no, I was demanding for the good sake of the Lord almighty for you to announce before hand on your website that a character would make a guest appearance in a game. Maybe I just need to go take a laxative and forget the whole thing. But then of course the demons would visit me again, wouldn't they? And then I would send them after YOU.

SirSlush2@aol.com

You're determined to squeeze yourself into as many editions of Scribes as possible, aren't you, Slushy-Boy? Thing is with all this character crossover business, the teams usually keep these little details to themselves until the last minute anyway. But basically, when a team stays together for a second game or a designer starts work on a game along similar lines as one he's done before, there's a fair chance that one or two previously established characters will crop up. Hence, for example, Gnawty in B-K (same designer as DKC), and some others that I can't mention yet... Why is it none of you can spell 'turd'?

• Dear Scribes,

I am responding in anger to Crazy Albert's letter complaining about the violence found in Rare games. He blames Rare for the increase in violence and fatalities among children. But I think he is forgetting a very important exception... Killer Instinct. Although the first N64 Rare game, it stands today as the pinnacle of Rare's contributions to society. Where Banjo and Tup-Tup's havoc wreaking causes grown men to wet themselves, Killer Instinct is a suitable alternative for pre-schooler entertainment when the Teletubbies aren't on. I think we should not let such bloodfests like Twelve Tales blemish Rare's reputation for accessible, educational, and morally stimulating children's games.

Billy Rothwell

Ah, now that's true. There's nothing quite as hair-raising as Timber's demented stare or Conker's incessant hyperactive shrieking to be found in any Killer Instinct game. And there's no camel abuse either.

• Dear Scribes,

As a long-time Rare gamer, I feel obligated to give you some good advice. When you don't give us any solid information on future games, such as Donkey Kong 64, or some of the countless others you hint at, it doesn't make you endearing, it severely arses the dinkers of the world. People just don't like it when you hint cryptically at things some people make religions out of (I mean, good God, look at what little TipTup has stirred up!). So, unlike most people, I'm going to tell you exactly what you need to do to put everyone on good terms. Instead of saying, "An ape-related game is not in development. However, Snumpy-Chumpy 64 will be hitting shelves soon,", or some other sarcastic comment, say, "Donkey Kong 64 will come out sometime in the future. Co-starring will be Snumpy-Chumpy, who will later be appearing in Pansy: Little Flowers, Big Guns 64," Now see? Not only have you given us some solid information for us little elastoplasts to stew over for a good month, but you've thrown in a snide comment to boot!

Think about this. Or Snumpy-Chumpy gets it.

Ben W.

Hang on. "Donkey Kong 64 will come out sometime in the future" is classed as "solid information"? But we've been saying that for ages. Anyway, we don't see the point in announcing a game as soon as we've thought of it - there'd be no screenshots, fixed storyline or gameplay details available for months, whatever initial details we did have would probably change during development, and we'd be subjected to even more vicious hate mail should the game eventually be delayed. When we do, in fact, have some "solid information" on a game to release, we'll release it. Really.

• Dear Scribes,

I am in a bit of a dilemma, should I follow the usual route of messages to this forum; arselick (love the games), quibbles about Goldeneye (why can't I mutilate/open/destroy...room/person/building X), when is game X coming out (Perfect Dark/Conker 64/JFG...) or simply get straight to the point.

Ok. I have decided to get to the point.

I demand to know the names of the individuals at Rare responsible for the bloody annoying voice of TT in Diddy Kong Racing. For anyone who hasn't played this great game, TT sounds like a teenager inhaling helium and trying to speak in a high pitched voice!

"Now try and beat my time."

"No, no, no, wrong way."

Arrrrggghhhhh.

Come to think of it, TT is probably the voice of the same sadistic git who designed those annoying hover fly buzzy things in Bubble Gloop Swamp and outside the summer door in Click Clock Wood.

If this accusation is true, I leave it up to Rare to suitably discipline this employee my^[sic] ordering him to play Mr Nutz on the Amiga for a week!!!!

Nick

The DKR character voices were supplied by various DKR team members (and then fiddled about with by the music department, obviously). This is certainly the case for T.T.'s voice, but we think the man responsible for that one has been punished enough in recent weeks by 'accidentally' (so he says) buying the B*Witched album. Surely he doesn't deserve any more pain?

• Dear Scribesman,

I hate those stupid ads you have on TV for your games. They deserve better! So, I have come up with a commercial for Banjo & GoldenEye... all in one!!!!!

First, the 007 theme music plays while that little sniper rifle thingamagingabob borders the screen. Then, Banjo slowly walks out into the middle of the screen. He reaches the middle of the screen, turns to you, and ducks. Kazooie pops out and shoots an egg at the camera. The egg hits, and instead of the blood flowing down the screen, yellow egg yolk does.

Voice of Banjo: Tha nayme's Baynjoh... Baynjoh Kahzoooie.

Kazooie: SQUAWK!

Heeheeeheee! Funny huh? It sure beats the er... junk out of that DKR ad. I mean, come on, a stupid little speedometer goes higher and higher until it breaks. Then, about one second of game footage is shown! I HATE IT! IT STINKS! THE STUPID LITTLE THING GOES HIGHER AND HIGHER UNTIL IT POPS! I'M COMING DOWN TO YOUR MARKETING DEPARTMENT AND DOING WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE A LONG TIME AGO!!!!! Oops... medicine time.

Sonny

That's not a bad idea. Unfortunately we don't have a 'marketing department' and we don't have anything to do with Nintendo's advertising campaigns either, so your entire letter is one big protracted bark up the Tree of Archetypal Wrongness. Sorry.

• Dear Scribes,

I was just reading your reply to the question about TipTup and I noticed that your answer involved a turtle being dropped from a great height by an eagle. My question is, did you get that from Small Gods by Terry Pratchett? That is the best Pratchett book I've read so far. One thing, does that mean TipTup is really a god in the form of a turtle? It makes so much sense. Now I know where he gets that impossibly annoying voice. It's supernatural!!! (you see, I'm an American, so that no one I know actually reads Pratchett).

Marty

I didn't copy nuttin'! That's what eagles do, or some big bird of prey, anyway. They drop turtles onto rocks to smash the buggers open. It's true! That's how Aeschylus was killed - right kids? Small Gods was nowhere near as good as Mort. Or Sourcery. Or Guards! Guards! Or...

• Dear Scribes,

Here's a little snapshot of your guys trying to make a move on me. They didn't quite make it, but Banjo was really tough to beat.

Daniel Hauck

Yeah - I tend to use a cricket bat (arf arf). Cheers for the pic, though. Anyone else out there staged a ridiculous Rare-related photo shoot they'd like to show off to the world?

• Dear Scribes,

To Mr Ravi Hiranand - a rebuttal that American games rule!

So you think American games suck huh? So you think they are all based on that one brilliant game idea huh? Well here's something for you to listen to Mr Ravi Hiranand: AMERICAN GAMES RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where does that brilliant game idea come from? THE US! Brilliant ideas such as Quake, NFL Blitz, Clayfighter, San Francisco Rush and Cruisn'^[sic] USA....and what about Twisted Metal? Let's see Diddy Kong Racing match up to that!

You think foreign games are so hot because they strive to be different? Now look at Capcom.....They pretty much add a new word to the end of the title and POW! There's another Street-Fighter game. You think Squaresoft is so cool because they make sophisticated RPG's.....Well let me tell you something it's just the same old game with different FMV. Oh, Rare is so cool because they don't hype games. Well Rare's euro-crap is an excuse for more un-original Mario clones. So before you say what sucks and what does not, think that all game developers make stupid mistakes once in a while and even though the game isn't original the most important thing is that the game is fun. Something foreign developers are beginning to forget.

What are you going to do about this response? Are you going to send the French mafia after me? With their white guns covered with lace? Sipping wine? Oh, I'm so scared!

SPal886174@aol.com

I'm not sure the rest of the sane world would agree with you on some of those "brilliant ideas" you quote. Still, I'd be inclined to sympathise with some of your arguments... if only you hadn't expressed them all in such a mindlessly superficial way. Think about what you're saying next time, because at the moment you're just feeding ammunition to those you're trying to put down.

• Dear Scribes,

I'll tell you why Tip Tup is so popular, it's because he's an idiot. Now you tell me how many idiot computer game heroes are out there. Hardly any! The majority of them either have bulging biceps or bulging breasts, not the brain capacity of a lemming. Another reason why he is so cool is that he is such a realistic hero. There tend to be more idiots outside than bouncy women period. Well anyway if Tip Tup doesn't get his own game at least make sure he gets a cameo in either Banjo-Tooie (heh) or Perfect Dark.

From an Aussie that doesn't eat beans or has^[sic] a pet kangaroo,

Ritchie

• Scribes,

Everyone is begging Rare for a Tiptup game. You idiots need to stop sniffing paint, and give the people what they want. Did we ask for Perfect Dark? NO! But it has the Goldeneye engine right? WRONG! Sure it has the engine, but the point is, it's not the same without Bond. Tiptup, Bond, getting a picture? You're too blind to see. We keep giving great ideas, and it gets lost somewhere up your butt. Sorry for dissing you, but I had to give someone a wake up call. Why don't you make Tiptup an agent, side by side with Timber? Out to rescue Diddy or something. I've written you and Tusk plenny^[sic] of times but neva^[sic] saw my letter posted up. I know what people want and what I want. And that is Tiptup.

Ice Cream Man

• Dear Scribes,

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT TIPTUP! The Explanation to why everybody loves TipTup dates back as far as the prehistoric days. Primitive Cave People would use the turtle's dinosaur ancestor as Simple Household Devices like Water Faucets and Footstools. Now picture the late '80's. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Fever has infested a nation (not unlike the Pokémon Invasion happening Across the World). Everyone at least owns one, ensuring an instant love of Turtles everywhere.

Now Picture Diddy Kong Racing's Release. Everyone Rushes to EB, Toys-R-Us, and Wal-Mart to buy the game to see one thing:

The Game's Similarities to Mario Kart. No.

The Ingenious Track Design and Lush Graphics. No.

To See the Famous Hero Diddy Kong and Future Hero, Banjo. No.

The Answer is to see TipTup. You know it, I know it, The whole world knows it.

He's the fastest character, next to that freak, Pipsy, and he's pretty funny-looking. Me and many of my friends have created the "New TipTup Order". You should all pledge allegence^[sic] to TipTup. Make your own chapters of the "New TipTup Order" with your turtle-loving friends.

Thank You,

Rollie "KillDiddy" Pemberton

• Hello,

I think I got the answer to your question about what makes Tip Tup such a favourite: he reminds a lot of people of the one and only original KOOPA TROOPA. And that's why we need a Mario Kart 2 developed by Rare including Koopa Troopa excluding Wario. And if Nintendo is doing the sequel themselves they should at least hire your DKR-team for support. Because Mario Kart 64 wasn't really the Super Mario Kart sequel I was hoping for.

Roger Beckers, The Netherlands

• Dear Scribes,

Teenage Mutant Ninja Tip Tup!!! Turtle Power (No, not girl power, which is where the Spice Girls got it from)!!! Tip Tup should be Rare's mascot and be featured in every game. He could be a secret character in Perfect Dark. Also, you could make him in the opening sequence of your games like the Iguana for Iguana's games like on Turok. That would be cool. But, instead there could be this Hedgehog and Bandicoot checking each other out at a tree and right before they kiss each other, Tip Tup fires at them with everything he's got, which is a turtle shell! It'd be like Mario kicking a Koopa shell, only TipTup shooting his own shell at them. Then they'd die and that would be cool. Oh my God, they killed Sonic! Bwa ha ha!

KRISO2000@aol.com

• Dear Scribes,

It's Mr. Pants that deserves his own game, not Tiptup. Think about it: Tiptup is slow and witless. Mr. Pants, on the other hand, is provocative, scantily-clad, and easy to draw. Anyways, I have bought and enjoyed Goldeneye 007, but, try as I have, I am unable to find Goldeneye 001-006. What shall I do?

Chad Acosta

So there you go. A wide variety of opinions, some of which, inevitably, make more sense than others. I'll make sure the old DKR team are aware of the monster they've created - whether or not this will prompt a triumphant return for Tiptup remains to be seen...

• Dear Scribes,

I might have guessed that your favourite T.S. Eliot poem would have been one that begins "When the evening is spread out across the sky / Like a patient etherised upon a table." Well, all right then, I'll give the conversion of "The love song of Alfred. J. Prufock"^[sic] a go:

Let us go then, you and I,

When the evening is spread out against the sky

Like a designer curled up around a workstation.

Let us go, through Leicester's half-deserted streets,

The muttering retreats

Of tester's nights in one-night cheap hotels.

And grimy pubs with beery-smells.

Zoos that follow like a tedious argument

Of insidious intent

To lead you to an overwhelming question...

"When is Banjo-Tooie coming out?"

Oh, do not ask "When is it?"

Let us go and make our visit.

In the canteen testers come and go

Talking of Donkey Kong being slow.

(At this stage, the length of the poem will have lulled the average AOL user to sleep, and so the poet feels he can safely skip the rest of the poem. Let's face it, T.S. Eliot was completely out of his face.)

No, that's no good, I'm admitting defeat. You cad. How can I get revenge...? I know: Questions! Hee hee hee...

1) Can we have an official Rareware Discussion Forum, please? That way all of the babbling fools (like the ones that write poems) can post to the forum instead of bothering you, and putting Scribes down to a handy five letters a month. Hmm... now that I think about it, that's the electronic equivalent of locking them all in a room with big sticks. Except even more fun to watch.

3) Do you think that keypress cheats gradually being phased out (by Rare and by other companies) in favour of secrets, task-based rewards and Easter Eggs is a good thing or a bad thing? Discuss. (Sorry, but it's getting near to exam time.)

4) What CD's of Rare music have been produced ("Killer Cuts", etc) and where can I get them?

5) Why is it that you don't get your face mapped into GoldenEye, but Mr Pants gets his own cheat mode? I certainly hope that you got credited as "Assistant Artist" or something.

6) Any chance of putting all of the forum entries into a long html file (using the "cut and paste" feature, don't panic) so that I can read them all without running up a huge phone bill? Get someone on Work Experience to do it or something.

Anyway, have a great Christmas and I look forward to reading this in the new Millenium,^[sic] when Scribes is posted.

(It's funny, because when I read back over my questions it never sounds to me like I've been particularly sarcastic - no, what am I talking about? Of course it does.)

Regards,

Chris Allcock

TS Eliot was so far out of his tree, he could probably have climbed back into it from the other side. It'll be a long time before anyone can match his raw poetic fruitiness - but nice try all the same. Oh, bugger. You've got questions. 3) We've found that keypress cheats don't work too well without a keyboard. Haha. 4) Well, there's Killer Cuts, of course, and then there's... er... the original DKC one, and the new DK64 one, and they've also been produced for KI Gold, Banjo and DKR... oh yeah, and some Blast Corps 'choons' were featured on a multi-game "Best of N64" type CD soon after the system was released. As for getting hold of them, check with Nintendo because we haven't got a ruddy clue. 5) Mr. Pants is far more of a celebrity than I'll ever be, and rightfully so. 6) We don't do the work experience thang, and I'm too busy setting up violent staff member pratfalls for use in the Rare newsletter caption competition to be concerned with such frivolities.'

• Dear Scribes,

Hey, guess what? I'm not a babbling idiot! I actually have something coherent to say! And you especially should post this letter, because there's a $100 bill on it's^[sic] way to your house.... err... I asked nicely. So, I'll start off with my greatest question. You said in Scribes that Donkey Kong Country 64 is not yet under production. Well, actually you just couldn't give us a story line, so am I to assume that if you can't give a story line, that it's not under production? Oh, I also have this little idea, that you crafty 'ol marketing licensing people over there in Twycross are gonna pull a Diddy Kong Racing on us. Remember last year? That game came out of nowhere! Please say this is the case with Donkey Kong 64! Oh, yeah. I'm gonna make a Rare-spoof picture for "all the world to see". Which one do you think would be better? The Banjo-Kazooie group under Godzilla's foot, or Spinal bungee jumping from the Eiffel tower?

Oh, yeah. I have also, (for the pure enjoyment of Scribes readers, only. Please don't send me hate-mail for this) compiled all of the Scribes annoyances into one excruciating, fingernail-on-chalkboard, eyeball-popping sentence. Here goes:

Yo! G! Me Californna, Briatn games good, How u say terd, I say terd, also you say tea 'nd scrumpets, post thsi^[sic] leterr!!1!111!!!!!111

Phew! Now wasn't that FUN! Oh, and....umm....Oh yeah. I'm sorry. My mind goes off sometimes. You are awesome, man! You put little subtitles into the pictures. I especially like the "innocent of all innuendo banana bird" joke on the DKC3 page. Great work! It had me rolling on the floor, laughing! Oh, just one last thing. How do you guys do that thing on all of your furry cute characters? You know.. the graphics where you can see each individual hair on the character's bodies? I saw this method first in Diddy's Kong Quest. I make 3-D pictures, and I've tried layering transparency maps, and all of that stuff, but it doesn't work like yours! How do you do it?

Thank you for reading this senseless letter. I reeeally (I misspelled really intentionally, just so you know) want to know how you do the graphics, and the stuff about DKC 64.

Forever a fan,

Chad McCanna

We didn't say DKC64 wasn't in production, you young scamp. Well, perhaps we did say it ages ago when it wasn't actually in production, but that's alright. We can't give you a storyline because either it hasn't been finalised or it's being kept under lock and key until the team's ready to release a whole load of stuff at the same time, but we'll keep you posted, obviously. The level of detail on our renders is made possible by the high-end Alias software we use (and some half-decent artists, I suppose). As you've noticed, the hair particle shenanigans only really came into play between the first and second DKC outings. And Spinal bungee-jumping from the Eiffel Tower sounds like it could be interesting...

• Dear Scribes,

Judging by some of the comments on your letters page, a few people seem to think that a game has to be realistic to be good. Was Banjo-Kazooie ever realistic? How many people outside of a mental institution can seriously claim to have seen a honey bear running around with a backpack containg^[sic] a breegull and rescuing Jinjos (adorable things that they are, I am quite sure that they do not exist) - none, I should hope. But yet this did not prevent Banjo and his feathered friend gaining unanimous (and deserved) praise and acclaim from everyone fortunate enough to have ever even seen the beautiful game (not football). And what about other games such as Diddy Kong Racing, Mario Kart 64, Super Mario 64, Lylatwars, Forsaken? Okay, realistic games are often good, but the best games are not always realistic. I rest my case.

Frances Cork

Realism's an almost impossible thing to pin down. The reason people have been picking on GoldenEye's level of realism in particular is because that's a game set in the real world in modern times, so naturally people are going to get a feel for the situation and decide whether or not certain aspects are realistic. With games like Banjo and DKR, of course, they're not intended to be realistic in that sense - and as you say, who can claim to know how a world peopled by fat witches and pirate hippos with gastric problems would work? Like most things at the end of the day, the ongoing 'realism' scuffle is just a matter of everyone who comes along automatically assuming they know better than the last person.'

• Dear Scribes,

I am writing this letter in response for the pretty old "Diddy has no tail" letter. You lie! Look at the little picture I found on the July 7th edition of Unckle^[sic] Tusk! HE DOESN'T HAVE A TAIL!!!!! HE DOESN'T! *Takes more prozac* He really...*passes out*

jbaker

Stop it. Not only is it obvious that gravity and Diddy's inverted form are conspiring to conceal the appendage in question, but this render was created during DKC2, a time when Diddy's possession of tailage was never in doubt.'

• Dear Scribes,

My brother and I came up with this (utterly odd) idea for a game... A sequel to Diddy Kong Racing. The characters are in a race (Ancient Lake) and all of a sudden...Krunch...disappears! The next few races have other characters-Diddy, Drumstick, Conker, T.T., etc. disappear. Then T.T. comes back, escaping the kidnapper, but soon everyone but Bumper, T.T., TipTup, and Pipsy are gone! Pipsy and TipTup suddenly realize that T.T. and Bumper are kidnapping the other racers, since those two obviously gay bums want to be the only racers in the game. When they realize that Pipsy and TipTup are on to them, they leave, preparing a big race that will test your skill. Later, when she finds out that nobody is in charge of the Time Trials mode, T.T.'s good younger sister Timette signs up for that place. In the game, you would start out with all the characters, but as the game progresses, you would eventually lose them. You finally only have the four mentioned, and then Bumper and T.T. would run away, preparing the ultimate challenge. Then Timette would join you. As you progress, you rescue the other racers, and when you finally get to T.T. and Bumper, you have them all! How's that?

Christie and Steven Shepherd

I can't see how a gay relationship between Bumper and T.T. would work, exactly, and T.T.'s a bit too... unimposing to make a decent baddie (though any fool can see that Bumper's seething with negative vibes beneath that happy-go-lucky exterior) - but other than that it's a groovy idea. We get to re-use the same tracks, same characters and same game engine: all we have to do is block access to the racers as the game wears on and there it is - DKR2. Masterful.'

• Dear Scribes,

Sigh... I wasn't gonna get involved in this fight, but they crossed the line. "They" is of course, Spa1886174@aolcom. First of all, on behalf of us Americans, let me apologize for for^[sic] his opinions. All the games he listed really weren't that good, and not all of them were American games at that!! And he made several uninformed decisions about foreign games. Not all Americans are as ignorant as him. Most aren't actually. If he has such fierce loyalty to America, then join the army, don't write stupid letters... but, to all you Brits out there, I WILL say this, American games don't suck, Sony games suck (usually) and people interpret these as American (even though they usually aren't). And, they all aren't based on the same idea. Do you really expect every game to create an entirely new genre?? And, lastly, I'd like to pat Rare on the back for not taking sides on the issue where it would have been very easy to do so. So, in conclusion, some American games suck, some Brit games suck, and some Jap games suck. There is no real answer to this question, it's all just whatever your personal opinion is. So, on that note, I think I'll go light another candle on my Tip-Tup shrine....

Justin Davis

PS. I forgot to mention, no, I don't think it makes a difference how good a game is by what country it's from. It's all in the hands of the makers.

• Dear Scribes,

In response to SPal886174@aol.com's letter, this is what I have to say. You must have been REALLY desperate looking for good ol' American games to come up with Cruis'n USA and Clayfighter. Thanks to you, I don't have to write a long argument anymore, because you've just named two nice examples of rubbish, derivative American games for me. Thanks! You also asked what I'm going to do about your response. No, I'm not going to send the French Mafia (???) after you. Rather, I've got a better person to send after you. The best, actually. Uncle Tusk, are you listening? And don't forget--you just called his companies' games "euro-crap". He must be p*ssed. Go get'em Tusk! :-)

Ravi Hiranand

PS And if Tuskie weasels out of this one, there's always James Bond to send round to your place. Or Pipsy. And don't forget Mr. Pants.

Tusk's straining at the leash, but I'm not letting him go because - hey guys! - everyone's entitled to their opinion. Instead, I'm going to be really fair and open-minded and stuff and take this opportunity to replace a couple of the less popular Random Forum threads with new ones relating to this very subject and the endless moaning about videogame violence. So any further letters on either topic will be automatically diverted there: check it out now and babble some rubbish of your own. Please contest me fast!

• Hidie-ho there, Scriberinos!

Three Scribes ago you fellas posted my "mad" pleas for a Tiptup game, and I couldn't help but notice that your take on it was...less than enthusiastic.

"What is it about Tiptup that inspires such mindless devotion?" you ask? I would hardly call it "mindless". Not only was my letter posted, but you said the big T. would be seen in 1999 AND there were 2 letters backing me up in the next Scribes. GOOD JOB SIR SLUSH2 (If you rare guys dropped Tippy from an eagle and exploded him, you'd be feeling the battery filled end of my remote control against the back of your noggins real quick) and, Will Gordy (but, I'm kinda confused about Gordy...The first half of his letter was obviously inspired by mine and the second part was...in bad taste.). Could a mindless slob do that!? Now I'll just assume Tiptup will be in Twelve Tales in 1999. Here is my argument....

I sit in a cold, grey room, listening to myself breath^[sic] through my Helmet-Mounted-Breathing-Apparatus. Suddenly, the area beside me is replaced by a small hologram of Tiptup. He is dressed in a black cloak. "How is the construction going?" he inquires.

"On schedule, my Master." I reply. The helmet makes my voice sound like James Earl Jones.

"Good, good. We may have problems lying ahead," he tells me, "there is a disturbance in the Force."

"Yes, I have felt it too." I assure him, knowing what he will say next.

"Young SkyConker is too dangerous, he must be destroyed." he demands.

"I have another plan," I tell him, "SkyConker will turn to the Dark-Side!"

"And if he doesn't??" Tiptup asks, "He may come after you and try to undo our creation before it is complete."

"I have laid a trap here, my Lord." I explain, "Let SkyConker and his Rebel friends come! They will find a FULLY POWERED AND OPERATIONAL DEATH-STAR!!"

Tiptup's image winks out, and I am once more alone in the room. Ominous music plays as I stare out into the cold depths of space. I would turn the squirrel or strike him down with my Television-Remote (The ancient weapon of the Jedi).

So, as you can see, I expect Twelve Tales to star Conker, have Tiptup as the final boss, and the game to take place on the forest-moon of Endor. I trust everything is in order.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go convince LucasArts to make "Dark Forces III: Leia's Double Trouble" in which Luke and Han are kidnapped by King K-Vader-rool and it's up to Princess Leia (who can fly with her two twisted up braids as helicopter blades) and the big oaf Chewie (in blue pyjamas) to save the day via Barrel-Hopping!!

Hhhmmmm....maybe the voices, ur, my ideas are getting mix up a tad.

L8ER,

Beb a.k.a. Eric Rosenlund

Ah, but read on! Though Tiptup has claimed your soul and many others, the backlash is beginning...

• Dear Scribes,

Ok, this whole Tip-Tup debate has got to come to an end. Let's face it, Tip-Tup isn't that great of a character. We all know he's a TMNT throwback, but some just don't want to admit it. He tried for the part, but it was obvious he didn't have that flare that would appeal and relate to the young audiences of the world. He didn't have a firm grasp on such commonly used slang terms like "cowabunga," "totally tubular," or "gnarly." (Oh wait, no one ever used those, ever, did they?) He also didn't have that buff physique nor did he have sufficient training in ninjitsu. While he does appear to have excellent driving skills, I don't think they needed a lackey just to drive the Turtle Van. Furthermore, the TMNT didn't have a huge need from someone with musical skills, now did they? (Although they did put out an album through Pizza Hut, didn't they...) Hell, Tip-Tup couldn't even make it as a Koopa Troopa. Now that's saying something. At any rate, Tip-Tup is nothing but a hack who couldn't make it big time (after TMNT there wasn't an overwhelming need anywhere for a turtle character), so, for whatever reason, he was picked up by Rare. (Why, god, why?)

By the way, how do you Rare folks feel when people write in slamming your characters? Are you bitter, secretly plotting to hire M-I6 to swiftly and silently execute us all, do you even care, or do you just laugh insanely at us since you've reaped millions from us despite our dislike for certain characters? Or do you just take a field trip to wherever and flog random people with dead cow carcasses to release your pent up anger?

Moop3@aol.com

• Dear Scribes,

Ahh! Morons! They're everywhere! Ahh! Those to whom I refer are those miserable malodourous miscreants that so blindly hail TipTup as a god. TipTup, like any of the characters in DKR (except Diddy, but he's just as bad) is a lousy extra. TipTup was created as filler only so you guys could have a Donkey Kong related game out in time for Christmas. Why do people like TipTup? Because they're idiots!

The one who will bring a stop to this insane following of that fat tub of crap, TipTup

Harsh words. Unfortunately I can't be bothered creating a new Forum thread just for people to bicker about Tiptup, so I'll have to keep dealing with it right here. Tsk. We don't really mind when people write in to pick on our characters - you know how mild-mannered the British are. Depending on how scathing the insult was, we either break the perpetrator's legs or just kill them outright so they don't ever get on our nerves again. And I'm sure the TMNT would welcome any interest from outside parties these days, judging by the state of their latest series. Whoops missus!

• Dear Scribes,

Mumbo Jumbo is a Jinjo? Please! That is the most ridiculous theory ever (and yet it is the most popular). Mumbo has scales, where Jinjos do not. Scales? By golly, I've got it! Mumbo is a KREMLING! He looks just like one! That is also the reason he wants to eat Banjo and Kazooie all the time. He's a Kremling!

SirSlush2@aol.com

Oi! Slush! NO! I appreciate your steady flow of input to the Scribes section and the many salient points brought up therein, but I will not have you trying to impose your dozy species distinctions onto the unsuspecting public! Take your inappropriate Kremling imagery and hop it!

• G'day Mate,

I'm writing to complain. Do you know how lucky you are to live in England?? Here down under in Australia, we get jerked around all the time. With magazines, for example. In Australia there is one N64 magazine. In England there are thousands. We get English magazines about one and a half months after they are meant to come out, so they preview a game that is already out. Anyway. Just complaining. I am a vivid lover of all your games - in fact I have all of them (except Blast Corps, that's crap) and I think you need a congrats. Well done. Now I have a question. Are you lying about the "All Bond" cheat for Goldeneye? I reckon you are. I'm one of those poor saps that has finally completed Goldeneye, but has one space left on his cheat list. What's doin'? I have also finished Diddy Kong, Banjo (apart from stupid old Mumbo) and all my other ten games. I feel that a bit of leeway should be given to us disadvantaged Rare lovers living in Australia. Ever since the days when I saved all my pennys^[sic] and went and bought a Sega Master System II, I have been a lover for consoles. But I feel the Nintendo has let me down with a lot of sh*****t games such as Clay Fighter, Ice Hockey Golf, etc. Please. You should know the capabilities of the N64. Please, make my expensive purchase a worthwile^[sic] one.

Regards,

Camo_s@hotmail.com

You completely lost me about two thirds of the way through the letter. What was it you wanted us to do, exactly? Sorry about the cack mag situation, but we haven't really got "thousands" over here either (I make it more like four or five) - and I can't say I've ever heard of Ice Hockey Golf, but it sounds brilliant. Surprising nobody thought of it sooner. As for the All Bonds code, much as I'd love to tell you some stupid lie about how to access it and then immediately resign, it's probably easier in the long run just to shake my head wearily and reiterate: it was taken out because we didn't really fancy getting our arses sued off.'

• Dear Mr. Scribe,

While I must admit that TipTup is a groovy driver, and that he is the best turtle I have ever seen, he doesn't deserve his own game. Why? Because we'd have to listen to his Mr. Bean-style "AAARGH" every time he gets hit. And when he runs he looks like a plonker as well.

It is obvious that Mumbo Jumbo isn't a Jinjo (backed up by earlier arguments) or a Kremling (how would a crocodile fit its snout in that mask) but is in fact a clever design of wireframe computer graphics with interesting textures laid over the top, and a little story to go behind him. There you go.

AND this is coming from someone who takes game stories far too seriously. For instance...

If Mario fought Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong became Cranky Kong, Cranky Kong lives with the new Donkey Kong, Donkey is buds with Diddy, Diddy races with Conker and Banjo, does this mean that Mario and Banjo come from the same world? See what I mean about too serious.

And that's it.

Super Markio

PS. Arse is a great word. Up with arse (hehehe). And you should use the word 'figgin' more often. And 'plum' and other words that mean nothing to people outside of this nutty country that we come from. Bwahaha. Flan, Monkey, Cheese (the best word) Green!!!!

'Figgin' is hopelessly outdated, and 'plum' is only really effective in plural form. Arse, however, is timeless, and operates without a hitch in any form or tense you'd care to name. Who's to say Mario or Banjo (or even Cranky, or one of the others) didn't unwittingly fall through a dimensional rift at some point in the past? There's no guarantees in the world of videogames - especially when all the characters and places are totally fabricated in the first place, you strange boy.'

• Alright Mr. Scribes,

I'm not sure how you're gonna handle this but I'm onto your little conspricy^[sic] <---(spelling). Your whole Scribes section is a sham! No one can send in letters that interesting. It appears each and every letter plays right into your hands, BUT THAT'S NOT RIGHT! So my only conclusion is that you my friend are the lost sole^[sic] sending in all these letters and then answering yourself. You take it as a personal release. Inside you can't decipher if you love or hate Tip Tup, and chances are Rare wouldn't hand delicate information on DKC64 over to you so you just make it all up. Don't deny it! REPENT! Turn from your evil ways! Using our life energy to tame your inner self is not morally right! It just ain't!

If you feel it's time to release the truth then print this for the whole gaming world to see, you oaf!

KONG1@webtv.net

Oaf, am I? That stings. Anyway, for your theory to hold true I'd also have to be responsible for this letter, and I'd rather shoot myself in the face than be seen to spell 'soul' as 'sole' in front of thousands of people. It's true about the delicate information, though. Nobody tells me anything. So stop asking for PD movies and DKC64 screenshots, you heartless sods.'

• So yeah.

You guys are pretty good at games, I reckon. Surely you must be tempted into expansion into new areas. Churn out 1 top quality RPG per year, and you would make most N64 lovers happy for a very long time. I am about to finish Zelda64, and like everyone else that has had the good fortune to play it, I am amazed.

It really is head and shoulders above everything else on the system, would you not agree? I know you guys have got your Goldeneyes, DKR's and Banjo Kazooies, and very nice they are too. But cmon! This game, it must scare the living daylights (do I need a Bond license to say that) out of all other developers on the machine (yourselves included, deep down in places you don't want to talk about at parties.......!).

How can it be topped? Now I know you've got PD in the works and DK64 or whatever it's called (tell the truth, you haven't even started it yet, have you?!), along with JFG and Conker 12 Tales or whatever it's called (I've read its JFG in disguise btw, an internet rumour perhaps?) but ZELDA64?!!!! I reckon you lot should play it, finish it, then close Rare down, move to Wales and take up sheep shearing, along with everyone else developing on N64........

Oh, before I go......how long (approx.) do you think it's going to take to finish JFG with all secrets and everything? Thanks very much.....

The Youth

Are you having a pop at the Welsh, pal? I'll take you all on. RPGs: Unless we put absolutely everyone in the company on it, I doubt it'd be possible to get a 'top quality' RPG together in just one year. Zelda: Of course it's good. What did you expect? Certainly a benchmark if we ever do release an RPG. JFG: I'd ask the designer, but he's gone home for Christmas. I know he intends to get plenty of use out of each and every level, though...

• Dear Scribes,

I have written you Englishmen before and you changed my "Dear Scribes" to "Dear Uncle Tusk" and sent it to the barbarian's letters page. I know I should have sent it to Tusk in the first place since it was a letter about getting help on DKR.

I am Jason W. and the point of this letter (if you would consider it a point) is to let and Eric Rosenlund know that I am agreeing with Rare in the Tip Tup debate. In some letters about Tip Tup I'm getting the impression that some people think that he is the second fastest racer to Pipsi^[sic]. I would like to clarify that acceleration is how fast you pick up speed, not how fast you go. I have to admit I used to think so too! Since Mr. Rosenlund has written you at least twice, I know he will be reading this. I am annoyed at him for obvious reasons but just to make sure everybody knows what I'm talking about is because he started the load of letters about Tip Tup being so cool. I am going to hit Tip Tup with that stupid remote control (the sharp end of course) of his, which he talked about in both of his letters!

Also, Sir Slush 2 sends in letters that could not be more annoying (except for this one of course.) For example, Mumbo Jumbo being a Kremling is even more ridiculous than being a Jinjo! I'm not supporting the Jinjo rumor one bit, but a Kremling?! I don't think so!

Oh, and another thing. I hope this doesn't start another crazy debate like the Tip Tup one, but you should make a game about Mumbo Jumbo where he is out to rescue Banjo and Kazooie or something. Since Mumbo has magic, there would be lots of awesome moves to learn. See, at least I have a GOOD reason to want a game about my favourite character that says eeeeeeecum booooooocum. I mean a reason other than HE RUKES!!!!!1!!1!!

And now, the moment we've all been waiting for. THE ENGLISH LESSON!!! Ow, sow youer sayin that wood bee a badd ideea? Me thinq it wood reely edjucait hour reeders! (And boy, do we need that!) Ow wel thenn, me gess u shood saiv that forr Mr. Pants! How about trying to get my letter printed by doing something stupid? You mean the letter is already stupid enough??!!! I didn't use the word arse enough though! OK here goes. Arse! Arse! Arse!! Arse!! Arse!!! Arse!!! Arse!!!! Arse!!!! (Wasn't that lovely?)

Jason W. a.k.a. The DKR Man

Mumbo Jumbo also provides an eloquent discourse on the origin of the species if you enter a secret code into the sandcastle. Go on, write to me asking if it's true. Go on, I dare you. In what way are you "agreeing with Rare" on the Tiptup debate? We haven't said anything - we just think it's funny to sit back and watch you lot slug it out over the merits of a made-up character...

• Dear Scribes,

In the December 1st edition of Scribes, the unthinkable occured. Two people wrote in and sadly bashed Tiptup! A TMNT throwback? Oh please! Tiptup is also not "filler". I'm not saying Tiptup is a god as some people may think I'm trying to say, but he's a great character! If you guys aren't making DKR 2 (as Uncle Tusk mentioned in his latest collection of "stuff"), and Tiptup WON'T be starring in a game of his own, what kind of future is that for this little turtle? He will have a cameo in ONE measly game for 1999 (Donkey Kong Country 64? Please?), but that's not enough! We need Tiptup merchandise, from hats to shirts to talking bean bag critters to nicotine patches....THINK OF THE OPPORTUNITY! He may be a goofy character, but look at Mario! He's even goofier! I've recently gone back and started playing DKR with Tiptup, and let me say, he IS the best character (not to say Diddy isn't, but for the sake of the argument, let's say he IS).

So is Tiptup doomed to be thrown in the Rare death row along with the Battletoads and Killer Instinct fighters? Please don't give him the same fate! I can tell you are not very thrilled at the idea of Tiptup's very own game (whoever YOU may be), but it's what the public wants right now. So what? Two people wrote in and bashed the little guy. They are so far outnumbered. Why, Tiptup WILL get his own game, if I have to move to Twycross, make some fast money gambling in a pub, and buy your company. Tiptup is the future. Tiptup is the hope. Tiptup is the power. Remember that fellow Tiptupians, ALWAYS!

SirSlush2@aol.com

There's only one pub in Twycross, and experience leads me to doubt that it plays home to illegal underground gambling dens. Still, best of luck if you want to give it a try. The fact that we're not currently working on DKR2 doesn't mean that DKR's characters won't pop up elsewhere, does it? Don't worry, it's pretty certain that we haven't seen the last of Tiptup yet. Nintendo are the people who deal with merchandising, though they wouldn't have anything to do with my Blast Corps motion-sensing RDU lava lamp that goes "Woow" and lights up when you walk into the room. I know, I've mentioned that before. I can't help it. It eats at my soul.'

• Dear Scribes,

On the box for Banjo-Kazooie, Banjo is holding a PURPLE Jinjo! If I'm correct, there are five Jinjos-Yellow, Pink, Blue, Green, and Orange. No Purple. I think we have a stowaway here...

Oh, and another thing, what is this thing with Pipsy's eyelashes? Sometimes they're there, sometimes they aren't. I'm just supposing that she has fake ones and will only wear them inside the game. No matter how hard she tries, she won't be that pretty, but still... Having them is a step in the right direction.

Christie Shepherd

I put this to the B-K designer, who in turn cranked up Rare's trusty Automated Response Selection Equipment (ARSE), which blurted the following: "The Jinjo is purple because he fell into Grunty's 'All Jinjos Must Be Purple' machine. Banjo rescued him and will scrub him clean at some point (which can't be seen on the box art) so that he can rejoin his normally-coloured friends." There you go. "Either that or the artist is colour blind," it added unnecessarily. And common speculation has it that Pipsy only uses her eyelashes to attract Tiptup, who she fancies rotten (probably).

• Dear Scribes,

I am writing to rebut Ice Cream Man's claim that no one wants PD (Nov 2 Scribes).

Hey, Vanilla Ice, or whatever your name was, What game got the award for Game of the Year at the British Academy of Film and Television Arts? Huh? GOLDENEYE, which I agree is the best game ever. Then you said in your letter and I quote "...But it has the Goldeneye engine right? WRONG! Sure it has the engine..." Let's ponder this, you said "it has the Goldeneye engine right? Wrong! Sure it has the engine." Now there's a paradox.

PD is based on the Greatest game in the world's engine, and you have the nerve to say that no one wants it? How much fun would a TipTup game be where.., and I quote again, "TipTup an agent, side by side with Timber? Out to rescue Diddy or something." What a horrible and despicable idea. Why would anyone want to be a small racing turtle out to save some monkey? PD has potential, your little detective game is dumb. How many more games can the gaming industry make where you try to save a monkey? How many Donkey Kongs were there? (Donkey Diddy TipTup Banjo, Stop with the monkeys) Save the monkey here and save the monkey there. Ahhhh. Use people, like Bond--One of my personal favorites, or some girl named Joanna-- And... How can you compare a game, that is based on the greatest game's engine, {and is the second in the only Spyfi series which Rare started and is taking off like my Dog after you shoot him in the arse (sorry, I just had to include arse)} to a game about a small turtle? Pffffffft.

If Rare went around making games, solely based on a single character of one game, then they would have to make a lot more games. How many people think that Oddjob (or any other character in the Bond game), is cool. Oh here's an Idea Rare, why don't you make a game where Oddjob is an agent next to Bond, and they go around trying to save some monkeys or something?

You said that Rare lost all your Ideas up their ass. Well, that's the only good place for them. I say (along with hordes of other people who liked Goldeneye and want PD) that PD would and will be 10 times better than TipTup 009 the super agent. PD will be great, and will make Rare more money than your little TipTup 009, super hero, agent that saves monkeys. So there Mr. Ice Cream Man. Thanks for your time Rare. Keep up the good work.

John Knight Greer, SC/USA

On seeing this, the GoldenEye/PD designer looked a bit bemused and said "I think people take things too seriously." Nonetheless, your heartfelt defence is appreciated, sir. To rest your worries, bear in mind that we now have enough development teams here to avoid a situation where we're forced to prioritise genres - we can happily work in several at a time, and ultimately satisfy as many people as possible. Like Robin Askwith.'

• Dear Rareware,

I'm sooooooooooooooooooo sorry. I didn't mean to shout. I'm reeeeeeeeeally soooooooooooooooorry.

That's too bad about the music. I really like it, that's all.

Hey, do you guys mind Americans using your slang? I give you permission to use ours any time you want. I really like arse. And Bloody. Bloody Arse.

Good News!(?) They have me on a 24-hour IV drip of Banjo-Kazooie to get me un-addicted. I tried to go cold-turkey, but the withdrawal syptoms^[sic] caused me to create horrible artwork of various game characters being tragically mutilated. You'll be getting my medical bills in the mail. (Oops, I forgot to put on the postage).

Hmmm. This letter isn't yet long enough...... oh, I know what I can do........ (Sung to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star") Shut-up, shut-up, Tiptup Fans. You should be beat with soda cans. How can you raise that turtle high? I'd like to watch him burn and fry. Shut-up, shut-up Tiptup goons Why don't you shave a baboon (*applause*) "Thank you, Thank you, oh I'm not worthy of your applause. Thank you..."

Amanda Schroeder

PS. When can I expect Banjo-Tooie to course through my veins?

I hope your mother's not reading this, with you swearing all over the place like that. (By the way, could you fill us in on any particularly crude slang that we might be interested in?) There's still no solid release date for Banjo-Tooie, and there probably won't be one until much nearer its heartily generalised target zone of 4th quarter '99. Er, sorry.'

• Dear perfectly normal people at Rare,

I do so enjoy reading your site and laughing uncontrollably at the lovely hidden messages. It's nice to see that you bag your own characters. I also do enjoy playing your high-quality manufactured games, and have an idea for one.

Do you remember a British comic strip character called 'Mickey the Mouth', who, to my utter surprise, talked rather loudly? I believe that he would make an amusing, if not interesting charater^[sic] to play a game with. Imagine running around a resturant, going up to a person and saying PASS THE SALT THANKS MATE which is followed by violent earthquakes and other cataclysmic effects. Anyway, take it into consideration.

My absolute favourite game out of your vast library would have to be Banjo-Kazooie. Not for the fantastic gameplay, or the cameo appearance of the great and all-knowing Tiptup, but for another reason. A certain item in Wozza's cave that Kazooie would like to stick somewhere, most likely a keyhole. That's right, it's your favourite item and mine, the spinning polygonal key. Please include this object into future games, as I do so enjoy spinning objects. The jiggies really fascinated me, but nothing thrilled me more than watching the spinning polygonal key completing its vast circluar^[sic] motion. Once I receive Banjo-Tooie, I will not even pick up the key to unlock secrets: I will leave it in peace, for it to spin forever more.

I know it's a bit much to ask, but in Banjo-Tooie, could you please make all enemies spin constantly? If that is too much to ask, then just a 'Museum of Spinning Objects' would be fine. I would enjoy so seeing more objects spin. Perhaps you could put Mickey the Mouth in the museum and cause him to spin... but I'm babbling. Enjoy your stay in the exciting land of internet connection, where people like me are just a click away.

Ben Kosmina

PS, Please look out for my soon to be released book - 'Spinning Polygonal Keys and How They Affect Society (for the Better)'

Yes, that's right. We always try to include as many spinning objects as possible in our games, being acutely aware of their fundamental importance in society. (Peers out from under table.) Right, I think he's gone now. And nobody I've asked remembers Mickey The Mouth. Are we all too young, or too old, or just too tightly ensnared in the grip of mainstream culture, or what? Or have you just made it up and I've been making a complete arse of myself by asking people about it?

• Ye Great and Revered Scribes,

Exactly what feat of greatness must be performed by Banjo/Kazooie to break the curse on Mumbo Jumbo? It says somewhere (game or manual, most likely manual) that Grunty cursed him for some reason (helping jinjos or whatever) and put that skull (mask?) on his face. Also, the scales could be included if he were a jinjo. Jinjos have magical powers, and what else from that reality could he be, really? I don't think he's a kremling. A pink kremling with partial scales? That would have to be some curse. I think that either he or other jinjos would have acknowledged the poor shaman if he were one, however. Then again, none of the jinjos have displayed an ability to talk (I assumed the messages atop the tower was magical communication, not actual speech, like Obi-Wan saying 'Use the force, Luke!' only less literal). However, Mumbo can talk... perhaps the skull face gives him proper articulatory organs? Whoa, too much thought on this subject. Anyway, since answers to these questions have not seemed to be forthcoming, could you just tell us exactly what revenge we must exact on Grunty to get the good old Mumbo we never knew back? Also, I don't have any problems with TipTup. I like TipTup, he kind of stays in the back and doesn't try to make waves, I don't think he'd be comfortable making his own game. However, I do think he's in prime position to be a 'running joke' (not offensively, it's a documented style of humour) cameo character. He could appear to some extent in every Rare game afterward (other than those like GE or PD, with 'realistic' themes). I think that is the legacy TipTup would like to leave behind. And 'humour' is spelled right, for any American simpletons. Not to imply that all Americans are simple, but a larger population leaves us a bigger pool of dumblings to delve into and stereotype with, eh?

Yours when the Empire allows,

TK421 The underpaid, Canadian stormtrooper

Undaunted by the fact that we've answered this question many times before, I turned to B-K's designer for the latest excuse: "Oh no! Rumbled! Mumbo's not a Kremling, he's actually Donkey Kong! We were hoping to use the same characters and backgrounds from B-K for Wonky Donkey Vs. Giddy Diddy In Crazy Kremling Capers 64 (probably not the final name). Damn! That means we're going to have do some work after all. In addition, you must remember that Mumbo without his mask would look 'a bit crap' (official artist's opinion), so he'll probably never lose it. Maybe."

1999

• Dear Scribes,

ass* see buttocks

What, you don't want any money at all? Very spiritual of you. Anyway, look, that's enough about Tiptup. I'm not siding with anyone, it's just natural scepticism tainting my view of those who willingly champion the most bizarre causes. And where did the assumption that Tiptup and Pipsy are a couple spring from? I don't even want to entertain the idea. By the way, I hope you realise that by calling me the Grinch you're indirectly comparing me to Jim Carrey - and that's inexcusable. Why, I oughtta... (swings fists comically).

• Dear Scribes,

I wrote this letter sort of as an editorial, but you didn't have a reader editorial section so I figured I would send it here.

I am not sure about you but when I was in 6th grade and now that I am in 8th grade, I wanted and want to look, feel, and sound older. I listened to opinions and made my own opinion. I didn't always go for the Banjo-Kazooie type game on the shelf. Even before that, I almost got Final Fantasy 2 for SNES when it came out. I know that I couldn't get far in the game, (only a little past the Antlion) but I know I got as much enjoyment out of playing that part over and over as some people did playing the whole game.

Now, I'll tell you about my gaming background, just because I'm sure that some other "kids" like me grew up like this. My dad got Nintendo for my older sister and partly for himself in around 1988. I I^[sic] remember watching him play Super Mario Brothers, (the original) but was too scared to actually play. This was when I was around 4 years old. When I was about 5, I started playing the games. I remember I had a little trouble on the early hard stages and the super jumps, (some of those are just soooooooo hard, like doing three super jumps in a row, from pole to pole. the first one would be pretty long, second would be a little shorter, and the third one would be the longest.) but I had fun running around jumping on the koopas and the duck-shell things, and would get up to about 3-1, and then it got too hard or I gave up. When SNES came out, I got it for Hannukah that year. My friends and I would go over to each others houses and play Super Mario World together. That's when I think I started to get Nintendo Power, and I would read it every month. I never completed all of the levels, (I think I had two more of those Mondo levels and a few outside ones to go) but I completed most of it. I think that was quite a task for a 1st grader. When I was in 5th grade, Nintendo Power started to telling people to check out their website at www.nintendo.com, and I had America Online, so I went there to get my news fix. Yes, I'm from the United States, which should show you that some Americans can write a competent letter. That basically leads into the whole thing in 6th grade, so I'll cut off the history part here.

I am hoping people will listen to the voice of the people under 12 years old that know what they are talking about. I am hoping that because I am 13, people will listen to me when I say that some kids under 12 are just as good, informed, and opinionated as you.

JWhit13@aol.com

A heartfelt and worthwhile argument. As much as this may sound like a PR exercise, we realised at an early stage just how easy it would be to underestimate the gamesplaying ability of your age group, and as a result we've always tried to make our games more family-orientated than kiddy-orientated: i.e. including levels of challenge suitable for beginners, casual players and veterans alike. We know that you don't have to be in your twenties or thirties to be any good at games - some players get more experience under their belts by the age of twelve than others manage in their entire lives. And now I'm sorely tempted to turn this response into a top joke by rounding it all off with "Run along and play, small child", but the thing is, you really do have a point worth making. Damn.'

• Dear Scribes,

In the Christmas edition of Scribes, Super Markio said,

"If Mario fought Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong became Cranky Kong, Cranky Kong lives with the new Donkey Kong, Donkey is buds with Diddy, Diddy races with Conker and Banjo, does this mean that Mario and Banjo come from the same world?"

Why, yes it does! But they don't live in the same dimension anymore. Let me explain. If the original arcade DK was to go along with the newer series, there would be many story line flaws. What you fine folks at Rare did was make the new series separate from the old series, but you wrote in the old series as part of the new series, but from a different aspect, like you changed the old series in the new series, so the original old series that you didn't write in couldn't be part of it, but the way you rewrote it, it could. And the new era DK was in Mario Kart 64. But Mario now lives in the Mushroom World, another DIMENSION. When I say dimension, I don't mean "another game universe", I mean that he still exists in the DK universe, but the DK universe has more than one temporal time and space dimension in it. Any physics professor could tell you the possibility of alternate universes. In Mario Kart 64, there was a big collosion^[sic] that threatened the destruction of our universe and the Mushroom World. When I say our universe I'm referring to DK's universe, where in the DK game universe it is our universe. But they fixed the collosion^[sic] and everything's okay for now. So Banjo does exist with Mario in the same universe, just not in the same dimension. Of course Mario used to be in DK's/Banjo's universe, until he and Luigi fell into the astro vortex that sent them into the Mushroom Kingdom, but I've confused you enough already. C'mon, somebody must understand what I'm saying here!

SirSlush2@aol.com

I don't. I don't even understand what a 'collosion' is. You're just out to baffle me with your made-up words today, Slushy. Still, I'm sure that in whatever obscure language you keep lapsing into, this is indeed the definitive explanation of the DK/Mario/Banjo simultaneous dimensional... existence... thing. And as such, any further elaborations on the matter would be all but redundant (my way of saying they'll go straight in the bin).

• Dear Scribles,

Is there possibly any cure for my ailments? How can I live with this world of worthless games?! Sure, a few are good (BK, DKR, G-EYE, Zelda64, Rouge Squadron, etc...) But what am I to do after I beat them after three days of owning them? Oh woe... What am I to do? Buy the players' guides just so I can find out that I already have ALL the secrets? Or simply kill the main character as many times as I can in three minutes (as I always do)? HELP I NEED A GAME THAT CAN NEVER BE BEATEN! I NEED SNUMPY CHUMPY! I NEED A TIP TUP GAME, AS LONG AS I CAN KILL HIM! I NEED A CHALLENGE (at a low cost please, I'm not made of money, you know)!!!!!

Sorry about the screaming, it's just the boredom.

Amanda Schroeder

A game that can never be beaten? Don't want much, do you? Get yourself a rickety old console/computer and a shedload of cheapo games to go with it - that'll keep you occupied for far longer than a single N64 game, and probably for a similar price. Then buy Jet Force when it comes out. Obviously.'

• Dear Scribes,

As I sit down to write to you once more, I now have a new mission. I now know Tiptup's own game is a lost cause, and the only time we will see him is in dinky supporting roles. Oh well. He's best suited for that anyway. But now the table turns to something else. On the main page of your website, you mention one or two games you're not allowed to talk about yet. And I was just visiting Tusk and he mentioned those couple games again. I'm not asking you to tell me what they are. Oh no, I respect your damn secret. But the hint department is always open, and your bloody morbid clues are always fun to decipher.

So, here's some questioning. Let's see what I can jab out of you:

1: Will the games have some relation to Donkey Kong, Banjo, or Conker?

2: Will the Goldeneye 007 team be rearing its ugly head in any of this?

4: Will we be able to dress the characters in these games, like Barbie dolls, with us being the girlish game players we are?

As always, your cryptic clues are always appreciated.

SirSlush2@aol.com

'''

• Dear Scribes,

This is long but good. Please answer all my questions, PLEASE!!!!!

I remember reading a magazine (that awful NMS) in England maybe four or five years ago (maybe longer) that had a rumour section. Anyway, the rumour was that Rare were making a Mario Kart style racing game for the SNES but using the same technology that was used in Donkey Kong and Killer Instinct. Now this never appeared, but it sounds a hell of a lot like Diddy Kong Racing. Was this the same game, but delayed, was it pushed to the new machine, or was the rumour simply a coincidence (which I don't believe). Does this mean that Diddy Kong was in development for even longer than Donkey bloody Kong 64? If so, why was it so slow and jerky?

I have a couple of requests as well.

For god's sake don't release PD, JFG, BT or DK64 jerky. Slow down makes games so hard to play. A lot of the hard levels of Goldeneye are impossible. For god's sake cartridge is supposed to be almost instant, so why do I have to sit through tons of unskippable intro scenes when I start a game. BK is the worst. Also, is it supposed to ask me what language I want to select every time I turn the thing on. That has to be a bug right? How about some unskippable intros the first time you play, but after that there is only a menu screen every time you play.

And, why has Perfect Dark got the word DARK in it. Didn't you change the squirrel game because Conker/Conquer was too common. Technically, Conker and Conquer are different. DARKlight Conflict, DARK Reign, DARK Vengeance, DARKlands, DARK Sun, DARK Forces, DARK Earth, DARK Colony, DARK Seed, DARK no that's it (I had to look those up). Call it Perfect DIRK. It has a kind of anti-hip quality to it.

Morris

This coming from a man called Morris. Nobody I've spoken to remembers this Mario Kart rumour - in fact one of them described it as "a load of tat". Seems fairly safe to say that we never had it in development, then. Intro scenes are all part of the presentation: I'm sure we'd get far more complaints if we didn't bother to include anything. Ditto for the choice of languages. And we do the best we can with frame rates - GoldenEye's done surprisingly well considering some of the levels are impossible, don't you think?

• Hello Scribey ol' chep,

It's me again, Super Markio (from previous Scribes). I have here in my hands a big report stylee thing that we received when we wrote away to you. It is big colourful, full o' renders and chock full of piddly information. However, one page has a list of your up and coming games... Banjo Kazooie (must've been a while ago), Conker's Quest (still going by its old name) and RC PRO-AM 64...

Now hang on a minute. This is the only source I have seen with this information. Not even your site has this small gem in its collection of soon-to-be-sellers. I am very curious about it, is it one of those games you said you are working on but haven't told us about yet?

Thank you, and good day.

Super Markio

Yes, it is an old publicity booklet - an old one, which we've long since run out of, let me just make that very clear before the whole world decides to write in. As for Pro-Am 64, didn't the sight of Timber cruising over the logo in his plane tell you anything?

• Dear Scriber,

Why don't you make a Donkey Kong Country game for Nintendo 64, I mean if you make one as good or better than Banjo-Kazooie you would add another great game to what you already have. If you make it have one so that you can play with 4 players. Have the first player be Donkey Kong, the second be Diddy Kong, the third be Dixie Kong, and the fourth be Kiddy Kong. If you make it you should make it as fun as Banjo-Kazooie.

Rod Durham

That's a great idea. No, in fact that's two great ideas. Not only make a DKC game for the N64, but also make it fun. Thanks. We'll give them both serious consideration.'

• Tiptup the Communist, apparently

Dear Scribes,

''You've probably got us on the FBI Most Wanted list with all this Communism rambling, you young rascal. Still, I'm sure there are far more damning images of an alternative Tiptup just waiting to be conjured up. What about Tiptup the Sitcom Actor? Tiptup the Politician? Tiptup the Game Show Host? The possibilities are endless (and endlessly disturbing).

• Dear Scribes,

Basically this is about Zelda. OK, I've bought it and it's amazing, but the thing is - will anyone in the world ever be able to make a game to match it apart from Nintendo? I loved Goldeneye, and for its time I would even say it's as good as Zelda, but if you think about it this way, even you guys who are relatively 'new' wouldn't be able to make a game like Zelda, simply because Nintendo have made very very successful Zelda games in the past and could use this legendary character in this legendary new game. A bit like a modern version of Mario. Well, my point is, that Rareware have no old time, legendary mascot. OK, so you've got Donkey Kong, Banjo-Kazooie and soon Jo Dark, but none of these characters will ever be as legendary as Mario or Link. Don't get me wrong I love your games and I think Rareware is amazing, but answer this; how can anyone (even Rareware) compete with Nintendo's games that not only are innovative and have amazingly clever and original puzzles, but contain super-star videogame characters which have attained their crowns by being around since the dawn of home video-gaming? Huh? Huh?

Thanks for answering my question.

Martin Badowsky

Zelda wouldn't exactly lose every last shred of its charm if Link, Zelda and co. were replaced with new characters, would it? It's the standard of the game that counts. Obviously a recognised mascot or brand can help, but it's not the final word in a game's success: all characters have to start somewhere. Just look at the hype building up around Perfect Dark, and not a single character in that game has ever been seen before. It's impossible to judge how successful and well-remembered Rare's characters will become in time. It only takes a visit to the Forums to get some idea of the impression left by Sabreman and Jetman, and they only appeared in a handful of games played by a tiny percentage of today's gaming population. It's all about quality. Who'd buy a Mario game today if all his previous outings had been pants?

• It seems that while everybody at Scribes has been slagging off the Americans, you have forgotten about the most slagged off citizens in the world...the Irish! Being of the Irish breed myself, I feel completely left out by your negligence. It seems too much fun to be left out. After all, it's not just the Americans that are thick, we the Irish DEMAND more slagging. After all, it's in our heritage to drink ourselves to death with paint stripper (after all our Guinness has ran out). I hope you will all join in a bit of banter and slag us off like there's no tomorrow (although there probably will be...a tomorrow that is). If you've watched Father Ted at all, then you will know just how thick we are ("oh, right Ted!"). Of course who could forget all those Paddy Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman jokes...ah! those were the days (ever notice how a Paddy American was never invented. Strange that).

Anyway, you finally reveal a DK64 screenshot, about time too. When can we expect another batch of delicitable^[sic] screenshots? And will the Perfect Dark team take up any of the suggestions made by the readers of N64 Magazine (for some of them were rather good). Keep the good work up guys (especially in the PAL optimumisation^[sic] department), and is there a release date for JFG yet?

298awm@tay.ac.uk

Thanks for the praise regarding the "optimumisation" (snigger) and "delicitable screenshots" (chortle). But no, I'm afraid we can't comply with your heartfelt request for a nationwide slagging. Company policy and all that. But I'm sure there are plenty of selfless Scribes readers out there who'd be happy to lend a hand if you ask nicely.'

• Dear Scallywags at Rare: However, I can't help but be disappointed by a certain mistake you overlooked in creating the exceptional piece of work that is GoldenEye. I know you know what I'm talking about, and I know the development team can't even sleep at night with the idea haunting them that they let their precious gem ship to retailers worldwide with such a fatal mistake. They sit in their little offices in Twycross hoping to the good Lord on high that no one would uncover such an incriminating example of negligence that could quite possibly stain their career forever. They live in fear, knowing someone might find out. They shudder everytime they think of that name: Max Zorin. Oh, if only they had taken the time to simply map his face into the game along with a nifty-looking suit or something. Quite possibly Bond's most debonair and malicious villain to date. Who could forget Max Zorin, the greedy multi-millionaire portrayed by Christopher Walken in A View to a Kill? I mean, at least you put in Mayday of the same movie, but she was a mean, ungrateful skank. Sure, maybe fitting in a mission where you get your beatdown on Zorin is too much to ask, but simply as a multiplayer character? Come on! Now I think you owe it to the public to immediately begin development on Zorin64. Sincerely, LlamaHerd

As you might have suspected from previous comments, the team's reasoning was this: "There wasn't a good enough photo of Christopher Walken that we could use, so even if we had gone ahead and tried you wouldn't have recognised him anyway." With regard to the first part of your message - does this mean that Banjo's the same bear who appeared in the 15-year-old Spectrum game Bear Bovver, because he can run around and climb ladders and stuff? And Rambi the rhino turned up in Donkey Kong Country direct from his exploits in Sabre Wulf? Is there some kind of sub-Noah's Ark thing going on in your head that only allows you to recognise a single representative of each species in the videogame world? Spooky thought - but in a not-really-very-spooky kind of way.

• Greetings and salutations, A couple of points in response to other letters. I noticed that Martin Badowski claimed that no game could ever reach the heights of Zelda. This is a controversial topic since everyone has their own preferences, but there is a concrete advantage that certain games, in particular 007, have over others. That is 4 PLAYER mode. I once owned a Super Nintendo, I had a multitap and games like Bomberman (which was 100 times better than the 64 version) and NBA Jam. I cannot begin to explain the fun I used to have with 3 friends. I actually won 2 Playstations a year or two ago in a competition, but I sold them in order to buy a 64 and four controllers. I did this for one simple reason: 64 has four controller slots built in. Obviously PSX would eventually come out with adaptors etc, but you yourselves can testify to the fact that it is a lot more enticing to develop 4-player games for 64 because people are much more likely to have four controllers. If you have Bond but not four controllers I recommend you go straight out and buy them now. Playing two player is entertaining for a little while, but it wears out. Just like playing against the computer. It's fun, but after a while, you start to wonder what the point is. This is why I think, as I saw someone comment somewhere on this site, that there should be a game developed as a multiplayer game, maybe with single player added as an afterthought FOR ONCE. I know what your argument would be- you can't play by yourself. Well I say- I don't want to play Mario Kart or Bond by myself anymore anyway, but I still have heaps of fun playing with my friends. Imagine how good you could make a multiplayer game if development was solely focused on the multiplayer aspect. You guys said Bond multiplayer was only added as an afterthought and look how good that turned out! The developers claim it's hard to come up with original ideas, well here you go. I'm sure you will dismiss this idea, but I'd be interested in reasons why you think this is not feasible. Secondly, you claim "noone remembers Macgyver"! How could anyone forget him? He would make helicopters from rags and bits of wood. And that penknife! It was used at least 5 times every episode. If there was a nuclear holocaust you'd want that guy around afterwards, he'd have the world back to normal in a couple of days. Finally, just out of interest, do you write HTML as well as all text in the website, or do you just fill in the blanks?

There's no doubt that multiplayer options increase the lifespan of just about any type of game, but it'll be interesting to see just how well those upcoming PC multiplayer-only games do when they're released. Of course, current console users don't have the option of online gaming to fall back on if they can't get any mates round their house, which makes multiplayer-only console games an unlikely prospect from the very start. Also, just because deathmatch wasn't originally the main focus of GoldenEye doesn't mean that the team put less effort into it, just as they're working hard to cram as much as possible into PD's version: having a prominent single-player mode isn't an excuse for chucking in any old manky multiplayer options. I'm afraid the wonky HTML is my fault as well as the crap text. Sorry. But thanks for breaking up the endless slang debate that I seem to have unwittingly started.

• Dear Scribes, "Who'd buy a Mario game today if all his previous outings had been pants?" Is that a typo or some British thing? I didn't get that at all. Anyway, I was travelling through time (either that or passed out drunk, I don't really care) and about a year or so into the future I saw a a game on the shelves titled, verbatim, Joanna Dark and Her Crazy Alien Friends. Whew. I wasn't crazy about the title Perfect Dark but the new title is crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. What are you thinking?! Get a hold of yourselves. That isn't going to sell. People will go to the stores with the express purpose of not buying your game. I'll say to my friend Bob "Hey Bob, you going to the store?" "Yeah" he'll say. "What are you going to do there?" "I am going to not buy JDHCAF." "Ah," I'll say. "Could you pick up some Jell-O?" "No problem." He'll say. Bob's a good friend like that. Oh yeah, in the future, toilets don't have to flush, but they still make a "flush" sound when you press the handle. M0nstrZer0@aol.com

That's nice. I'll look forward to it. You may have more success in understanding the Mario question if you read the word 'pants' in its adjective form, i.e. 'slightly poor'. And the game you saw on the shelves must have been the launch title of our up-and-coming edutainment range, featuring prominent Rare characters caught up in wacky situations that can only be resolved through the use of accurate grammar and long division. Hours of fun!

• Dear Scribes, I'm asking - nay, begging - you to please make DK look really cool in Donkey Kong 64. He looks very gay in Mario Party.

Cornelious, the Corn Flakes rooster

Why shouldn't he be happy? It's a party, after all.

• Dear Scribes, I just wanted to know if you had any .wav files of Mario saying "Ass me!".... for personal reasons... You really don't need to know

I'm very proud to say that I don't know what you're on about.

• Dear Scribes, Hey I was just on IGN64 and there was a question about whether PD's "real time raytracing" really is. They stated that it would be almost impossible on the N64 hardware and suggested it is merely "realtime rayCASTING". I wanted to know what you had to say about it. And PLEASE update your site more often!!! We need a few more crumbs to drool over while we wait for PD, JFG, DK64, and the mystery games. Scruptious!

Christopher Barreto

"Scruptious"? Fair enough. Here's the designer with a conclusive response to this mystery: "Due to the high processor demands of real-time ray-tracing we have had to abandon the procedure in favour of the less processor-intensive 'false-time ray-doodling'. Unfortunately this means we will also have to abandon our RT2 logo. Bummer, eh?"

• Dear Scribes, What is the present state of the pants industry in your Donkey Kong Country games? Both Donkey Kong and Diddy never wear pants. Neither does Dixie Kong and Cranky Kong. But for some reason Funky Kong always wears pants. And Swanky Kong wore no pants in DKC2, but in DKC3, he wore the pants! Apparently pants are not required in basic society for the video game community of Donkey Kong and pals, but can be worn if desired. But if so few apes wear pants, how can a pants maker stay in business on DK Island? They would surely go bankrupt by the end of their first year. Do the apes import the pants from somewhere else? And if so, what do they export in exchange for the pants? Please respond, because frankly, this has been bugging me.

SirSlush2@aol.com

Last month, Diddy's faeces: this month, Swanky's pants. You're a sick man, Slush. But while I'm here I suppose I may as well have a 'crack' at it (ho ho). For a start, Funky's a 'wicked' surfer 'dude' so by default he always has to be wearing stupid shorts. As for the others, I don't imagine they feel any particular everyday pant requirement. Wandering around semi-naked is a step up from most monkeys, really. Swanky was on tour in DKC3, so he probably threw a pair of pants on just in case he bumped into anyone of a more sensitive species. Dunno where the modest Kong clan pant supply actually comes from, though: perhaps they get them from the Kremlings in return for sending some of the less immediately useful members of their family over to work as slaves. You know, Thicky Kong, Dribbly Kong, Seanwilliamson Kong, all that lot.

• Dear Scribes, Hey. A while ago, you addressed the topic of a Mr. Pants 64. You also said that he had a stubbornly two dimensional look. Well, I have broken free of this, and made a 3-D picture of Mr. Pants. It is, of course, Crap, but I hope it gives you a feel for what Mr. Pants could look like. Go to http://www.geocities.com/ TimesSquare/Arcade/7208/pants3d.gif. Thanks. Oh, and I am looking foward^[sic] to the releases of DK64, CQ64, and B-T.

Chad McCanna

It's a brave effort, and you've done well with his fingers and the general misshapen nature of his body - but wait! What's that on his head? A soldier's helmet? It's supposed to be a bowler hat, man, anyone can see that! And the Y's missing from his quality Y-fronts! What kind of sick joke is this? Why would you want to take away the poor, helpless fool's raison d'etre? Let this stand as proof that meddling with forces you don't understand will always result in tragedy.

• I have two questions for you: 1: Are you guys full of beans? 2: Does anybody ever ask you a really stupid question?

Jabu Jabu's Brunch

1: Well, the DK64 block usually smells funny. 2: As if.

• Dear loveable Scribes:

Here I was, just about to add my two cents to that wacky and wild world of slang debating when you go around and say "But thanks for breaking up the endless slang debate that I seem to have unwittingly started." Now I'd feel bad if I said something. So I'll go on to my back-up subject. ("Back-up" in this context means "stupider", "crap", or whatever.) I've noticed something. Look at you guys type the names of your games. Banjo-Kazooie. Perfect Dark. Jet Force Gemini. Donkey Kong Country. Diddy Kong Racing. Blast Corps. And etc. You put them in bold-faced type. Now, my strained brain puts together the following logic: If I could type the name of one of your secret upcoming games, you'd make it bold and we'd know the title of one of the secret titles. What about... Oh drat. Hmmmm, I can't think of anything besides crap names. Well, maybe someone else would care to give it a shot. Speaking of naming games, for Jet Force Gemini, did you look at the coffee-brand "JFG" and wonder what it could be an acronym for? "Jumping Frogs Galore?" you say, "Or Jetting Frogs to Germany?" (That's not a reference to a certain European nation, trust me.) "What about Joyful Freaks for Gelatin?" After about two days of this, you think up Jet Force Gemini when a designer comes in asking for a good name for a new game. You just happened to be mumbling your new saying and the designer picks up on it and likes it. Of course, you're oblivious to all that went on and you're about to think of another name when your pants fall down. After picking them up, you forget what you were saying and go about your business. (Feels draft and stoops to pick up pants) Do you guys get David Letterman over there? I think he's funny and and like his show. How about you?

-//ate

No, we don't get Mr. Letterman. We just get a load of B-list Brit TV personalities trying to 'get with his stylee'. Your accidental-boldage theory might hold some water if it wasn't for the fact that game names tend to remain unfixed until late in the day, meaning that until that point they'll get italics rather than bold text, just like any other game title I could make up. Like* Kate Winslet's Quest For Rhubarb*, or something. Then, of course, there's the risk of me lying through my teeth and claiming that work is underway on Belgian Pygmy Line Dancing 64, which I'm certainly unscrupulous enough to do, as you can see. Still, feel free to give it a go. You've just made up this so-called 'JFG coffee'.

• Dear Scribes,

I have a couple of Goldeneye niggles. Firstly, in your web pages you say that the GE team watched the film many times. How then can they miss that Bond's watch changes from the start of the film to the end? In the Cuban control room, after Bond is captured, Trevelyan takes his watch and says something like "Ah - a new version. Still press here, do I?" (to disarm the remote mines). i.e. The watch he had when he was 006 (in the facility) is older than the current one that Q has supplied. Secondly, who arsed up by not including a demo of the game when there's no controller pluged in? All you get is some pants message on the screen. I bet you'd have sold 10 times as many copies (and maybe N64s) if the same demo ran as it does when there is a controller pluged in. All the shops I've been past still have Mario's ugly mug on the N64 screen in the window. I hope you don't make the same mistake with PD.

Iain F. McLaren

Straight over to the designer, then...

"Hello? Is there anybody there? Check the part of the film you mention, where the two watches are held side by side. Is there any discernable difference between the two in the film? No? That 006 still disarms mines by using the watch in exactly the same way should have given you a hint, but no...

"All the people who run the shops have to do is leave a controller 'pluged' in to let the game run a demo. And in addition to this, potential buyers could have played the game there and then. I witnessed this unbelievable phenomenon several times. "As far as sales go, believe me, no-one would be happier than me if GoldenEye sold sixty-four million copies. Except Pierce Brosnan, perhaps."

• Dear Scribes,

Listen, I don't know if this is a letter for my Uncle Tusk or just Scribes. It's all the same to me. First off, I just recently visited your sight for the first time and I've fallen in love with it. You guys are awesome!! I'm a little behind the times as far and internet and stuff goes, so forgive me for not having responded earlier. Here are some of my questions that I would appreciate an answer to please since I've seen some pretty dumb letters printed on the site before (although those are some of the funniest since you just rip on the writer!).

1. Do you always plan on making games exclusively for Nintendo or do you want to make games for other platforms? I personally like the fact that you're Nintendo only and I hope you stay that way.

2. I've heard that Banjo-Kazooie and Twelve Tales are your "guinea pigs" on which you're trying all your experiments for the big mother of them all, Donkey Kong 64. True?

3. Why was the decision made to not let Bond fall off walkways and the such?

4. Also, does Donkey Kong officially belong to you or Nintendo? I thought it was Miyamoto's baby.

5. And finally, Does Nintendo own you or are you free to do as you please?

Keep up the great work!

Kevin Hales

1. We have no plans to develop for anyone else in the foreseeable future. Now look, you've made me use the word 'foreseeable' (twice) and I don't even know how to spell it.

2. Not exactly. The three games have been worked on simultaneously by three different teams, so it's not as if they could simply nick an existing 3D engine. But naturally some of the most popular aspects of Banjo will filter through to DK64.

3. Have you ever seen him do it in films?

4. Disturbing phrasing, but yes, DK is and has always been a Nintendo original that we have the privilege of 'doing stuff' with.

5. Nintendo has a hefty stake in Rare, but doesn't actually own the company as such. We come up with our own ideas, but work closely with them on everything along the road to completion. After all, they've had a fair bit of experience down the years, wouldn't you say?

• Dear Scribes,

Pants on the Kongs, eh? How about some insider info on the leg-wrappings sported by the new cast (what were their names again? Lanky, Chumpy, Blinky, Tanky and Wa... hmm, maybe not). What the public wants isn't screenshots, videos and all that tat, we need some kind of pants analysis (conducted by our resolutely 2D underwear-sporting hero, even?) Please? And also, while I'm ranting on the whole ape-related theme (you called them the M-word on the DK64 preview, you devious fiends), I'd really appreciate a cameo from Chimpy the Chimp, surely the brightest star in B-K, if you don't mind. I'd also like to draw your attention to the *actual* first instance of constipation in videogames. Only one game released from your (apparently) warm nestling 'twixt the botty cheeks of the big N last year? Sounds like someone needs to hit the All-Bran fast... Finally, I have decided that we actually need to add the letter 'u' to our words after that 'stupid Brits' remark. Colour and armour are simply not enough any more, it's time to roll out the big guns. How about telephoune, aloune, souwn, mouan etc? (Evil laughter slowly recedes into the distance.) Well, we can at least be grateful that I got through a whole letter without even one image of a game character in a compromising position.

The Cussing Snake

PS - I still want my Discos, you know.

'Botty' went out with The Young Ones, I'm afraid. Which gets quite a lot of airplay in America, so I expect more people will have heard of it than you'd imagine. The continued usage of 'bog' and 'knackers' is of course essential to British culture, but I entirely disown this 'shpadoinkle' of yours. Maybe we'll sort out a DK64 Pants Analysis when the game's nearer completion and the pant situation is finalised. Or perhaps someone would like to jump the gun and get to it first. Please?

PS Better get out there with the camera then, hadn't you? The offer still stands...

• Dear Scribey,

I have a confession to make. I love my N64, but have yet to buy a single Rare game. I will soon make amends for this despicable behaviour and get Goldeneye and maybe Blast Corps. I would certainly have bought Killer Instinct if you'd put a bit more effort into it. This brings me nicely to my question: Why is Rare so gay? Your characters are all cutesy animals with sweet little names like Banjo and Luftus. *(Eh? - Ed)* Leaving aside Goldeneye (your most successful game) and Perfect Dark (your most highly anticipated game) everything else has the kind of twee-factor that can only possibly irritate any player of 14+. I hope I can make a polite suggestion without causing you any offence, but please stop all this arsing around with nauseatingly cute 3D platformers. I am looking forward to playing DK64, but why didn't you try to give us the fighting game we want, or the RPG we've been crying out for. Instead of making 3 of the 4 games up for a '99 release so whimsical.

Yours sincerely

Cynical old b&*%*$d

P.S. I hope you will put this letter in your Scribes section with your usual top wit and charm. Alternatively you could take a print off, roll it up into a tight ball and shove it up your...

So apart from GoldenEye, Perfect Dark and Blast Corps, which aren't gay and which you liked, and Killer Instinct, which isn't gay but which you didn't like, and of course DK64, which is gay but which you still like, all our games are gay and you don't like them. Am I right? If so, that's a hell of an argument you've got there, son.

• Dear Scribes,

"Howdy, a new update!" I said to myself. "And it's not more boring Perfect Dark screenshots either! Hey, a cast list for Jet Force Gemini! Now I can see what Mizar finally looks like!" So I clicked on the thing and it took me away to the magical world of the cast list. I was so excited, I braved the long loading time to finally catch a glimpse of big bad Mizar. Enter the complaint department. "BAHHHH!!!! Mizar's a big question mark!" Not since the evil glove from Super Smash Brothers has there been a more disappointing villain. How do you fight a giant question mark, and how does a mark (the question variety) become a mad tyrant? In the past you've given us such villains as K. Rool, Eyedol, Gargos, KAOS, Gruntilda, the runaway nuclear missile thing, and other lesser known more forgettable types. But now Rare has sinken to a new low. A giant question mark is a villain for a game. I don't particularly understand it myself, but hey, whatever works for you... Of course it could be that you just don't want us to know what Mizar really looks like because he's Wizpig, but whatever the hell.

SirSlush2@aol.com

O ye of little faith. No, he's not Wizpig, you cheeky so-and-so. We just haven't posted any screenshots featuring Mizar yet, so keep your hooks tentered... Did you like the update after that one? The one with more boring Perfect Dark screenshots? Just for you, Slushy, just for you.

• Hello Mr Rare web type person!

It's Sunday here and I'm bored out of my brains, then it came to me! The NEED to know. Are the animal friends in DK64? Can you ride them? Can you be them? Go on, get the DK64 designer(s) to answer it, pester them for at least a yes or a no!

Apparently you may well see the return of some familiar faces. I'm not saying which - that can be a lovely surprise for you. We've done pretty well as far as keeping a lid on the DK64 information goes, haven't we? Oh, you'll thank us later.

PS: I don't think they serve either of those.

PPS: I commend you, sir. Knackers.

• Dear Scribes,

OK guys, what's the deal with that Donkey Kong 64 intro sequence? I saw it at E3 and it's cool and all, but you guys overlooked one key element. The whole theme is hip-hop, right? And Donkey Kong is supposed to be scratching records on turntables along with the music, right? Well you guys forgot one thing -- THE MIXER!! Don't you guys know that you need two turntables and a mixer to scratch records? Donkey Kong looks ridiculous "scratching" records with both hands at once (an impossibility in the first place, because one hand has to be on the mixer's crossfader while the other brings the record back and forth) with no mixer anywhere in sight. As a die-hard hip-hop fan, I had to call you guys out on this one. If you don't put the mixer in, I just won't buy Donkey Kong 64. OK, I'm lying. But please, for the love of god, put a mixer in there! And maybe have DK do the crab scratch or flare scratch while you're at it. OK, I'm reaching.

Jonathan Lindemann (Contributing Editor, Nintendojo)

You're doing more than reaching - you're actually making me feel sorry for you. Anyway, isn't it the multi-talented Cranky who does all the scratching? Duh. Nevertheless, I took it upon myself to present your outraged demands at the court of DK64's lead artist, who obligingly muttered something about it "all being done with foot pedals". So there you go...

• Dear Scribes,

Why is it that you have that pointless lookout on Timber's Island? I theroyise (I admiting^[sic] that I made this up, not one of my dimwitted friends) that the Unused T-Rex in Diddy-Kong Racing will be what Mumbo-Jumbo will turn Banjo and Kazooie into in Banjo-Tooie. There forth, you will have to link to the DKR cartrage^[sic], in order to get the T-Rex spell. And the Banjo Kazooie cartrage for the Eggs and the Key. That theory made be thinking "Eggs and Key in DKR?' then I realized what the Ice Key is for, to open the secret course in Future Fun Land, where after winning the battle, you go on to win the spell for Mumbo-Jumbo. The Eggs, well I don't know about them. Maybe it enables Kazooie as a character in DKR. So what has the look ut to do with it? Well that s the flaw in my theory. But the rest stands to reason. If you don't reply to this, I spead^[sic] it on the Internet a rummor^[sic], and lots of people will be asking this same question. At least here you can either conferm^[sic] a rumor, or denie^[sic] it before it becomes curculated^[sic]. In all strangeness,

HailKingJeff@yahoo.com

While I wholeheartedly applaud your email address, I feel it's only fair to let the Scribes readership judge the strength of your theories by weighing the ideas contained within against the 'imaginative' spelling used to express them. 'Cartrage' and 'curculated' in particular. They're great. Inventive use of the term 'stands to reason', too...

• G'Day mate!

I have a few more questions before I go and never speak the word Rareware again. So here goes.

2. Can you print my URL for my website I make by MYSELF! and it gets updated more times Leigh than you update this site! Rareware.com needs an update every day! http://www.accessnt.com.au/~n64heaven/

4. Kat, will you mary^[sic] me? We could be like Diddy and Dixie? and have... (snip)

5. Have you seen the official specs for the N200X console at Nintendo's corp. section on their site?

6. Can I have a plane ticket to come visit you guys? And return the "Perfect Dark" beta game directly to you'se.

Later,

David A Giles

P.S. PD is quite cool, but when she is about to swim in level 4, she reveals a bit too much! :-) Not that it's bad or anythink, just wish I saw more.

1. Oh dear. Not a good start.

2. Alright, alright, but just this once...

3. He won't rise to the bait, you know. We've tried.

4. Well, Kat? Will you 'mary' him? I don't know what that means in Australia, but it sounds like monkeys are involved.

5. We might have. Who's asking?

6. Yes. You really have got that game, because we really do send the latest development version out to anyone who asks. I just want to make that perfectly clear to the cynics among you. I also want to make it clear that anyone who believes this will be taken outside and kicked insensible.

• Dear you rocking daddios down at Scribes,

I must ask, how evil do you become when developing games? Do you ever say "Oh dear that level was frightfully difficult, I'd better tone down the level of skill needed in fear of making our beloved gaming public frustrated". Our do you say "Bwha ha ha ha ha! I shall [insert terrifically hard moment here] to make the people who buy our games to be cast into near purgatory! Now let my evil creation render! (Cue over the top laughter that I can't spell)". Methinks it's the second one (anyone would say its the second one after Grunty, DKR's silver coin challenges and cheating bosses who run off before go, and practically any level in Blast Corps). That big green thing is Tiptup (of course! What else could it be?), releasing his evil army of sporks (is it more spoon or fork? One of the great mysteries of the universe there) on to the hero, Mr Pants. I've done the box and now it's up to you for the small matter of the game.

P.S I'm Henry the Eighth I am I am.

P.P.S I wonder how SirSlush2 will bring us closer to enlightenment today?

P.P.P.S Say boom, boom, boom, let me hear you say wayoo!

Mr Ed the talking horse

Did you have a bet on with someone about whether this would get printed? Are the standards of this page really such an international laughing stock? I suppose you're right. Never mind, eh? We're not evil. We're all lovely. We just have to throw in a few, um, 'tricky' bits and pieces towards the end of a game to add replay value and give the seasoned veterans something to chew on. And we do it in as nice a way as possible, though occasionally we do slip: for instance, I bet you didn't know that up until the very last minute, Blast Corps' Diamond Sands actually featured the Ramdozer instead of Backlash. Now that was a moment of pure evil, I'll grant you. Say boom boom boom, and let me hear you leave the room immediately.

• Dear Scribes,

We have nothing but admiration for your razor-sharp analytical mind. Naturally, DK64 has been pushed back a couple of years while the disgraced team fine-tunes its grip on reality.

PS Knackers. Remember?

PPS Your statutory rights are not affected.

PPPS Auntie Mary had a canary up the leg of her drawers.

• Dear Idiot,

I have things that I need to ask you about.

1. Apparently, I need to make a very good point or be a stupid moron to get printed. (Sez me, who has written you... ohh... about 987 billion times... give or take a few...)

2. To the person writing in, asking if the Multiplayer creations in PD would have pasty-white faces; I would think that Rare would have some sort of flesh toner for the skin coloration.

3. Kat; do you realize that by saying that you rushed down to Snippets "with a warm feeling in your breast" that you'll never get FLEAB whats-his-face to leave you alone?!

4. Helllooooo... Sean Williamson... where are you... I have a little present for you... (by the way Scribes, don't tell him that I plan to jump him, steal all of his valuables (if he has any) and take him to a doctor to get him a partial lobotomy).

5. If I write in a very illiterate fashion, will I get printed? Or maybe if I annoy you with old movie and TV quotes? Shine your shoes? Get you a harem of dancing gypsy girls with the see-thru pink pants? What?

People may have shut up about Tiptup, but they're making up for it by bundling in PS after irrelevant PS instead. Hey ho.

1. No, you just need to attract my attention, amuse or interest me in the slightest, because I am Lord and Master of this godforsaken page and you will indulge my every whim, you filthy rabble.

2. Yep.

3. Don't spoil it, we were enjoying that...

4. Either he's stopped reading or he's a man of remarkable fortitude. Not even a single tetchy swearword from the great Mr. Williamson since his original confession and the haranguing that followed (for those of you who've just joined us, you can view his heartrending missive halfway down Uncle Tusk's March 4th column). Come on, Seanie! Show your face!

5. Any of those would help except the first one.

6. Have another sprog, probably. That's what I've done for the last two summers.

• To Scribes-

Why does K. Rool want the banana horde? You never explained this in any of the Kong games, and it is a mystery that I would like to be solved. Also, why did you not include Dixie Kong in your game Donkey Kong 64? Everywhere I go for information on the game, it says NOTHING about Dixie Kong. You should at LEAST include her as a bonus character.

Also, could you tell me some of the really stupid ideas about accessing the secret areas in Banjo-Kazooie? I haven't seen ANY of them, and the only rumour I've heard is that you press a bunch of buttons to access them. Nothing funny. A bunch of stupid ideas is what I need to crack me up.

Klonto 007

Start the day with a spot of healthy delegation, I always say. Over to the B-K designer, then:

"K. Rool wants the banana horde because DK will starve and die without it, enabling the crafty croc to occupy the gorilla's cosy treehouse pad. He might also want it as he likes bananas, who knows?

"Dixie tried to launch an unsuccessful singing career after her stardom in DKC3, but her first single 'Bananas Are A Girl's Best Friend' sunk without trace. Down on her luck, she is reduced to promoting this year's Twycross Annual Parade & Gala to earn 'a few bob'. "I'm sorry, I can't remember any of the stupid ideas to access B-K's secret areas, only that they were pretty stupid."

• Dear Leaky Little Loveday Lad,

Recently, I have been patrolling the un-tamed streets of TwigCross (the Twycross of the bizzarro world) under the assumed identity of a sponge named Harry, so as not to startle the inhabitants (consisting mainly of reptiles and extinct amphibious dogs) and have noticed several distinct things. Firstly, everyone in the bizzarro world's TwigCross gets free access to 'FrequentWare' (the bizzarro image of Rare) and play every beta version they have. The bizarro's own 'Dean Kane Kong 64' is set to come out in their equivalent of November (I haven't had time to study the months), but theirs is FULLY politically correct! Nothing like your own horrid image of reality. Also, your disgraced team will never get DK64 done in mere 'years' with the vast amount of errors I have so graciously pinned down for you. Here, have another pageful of points you must correct in a game so riddled with incompetence that even Marco's Pole is shocked. Anyway, secondly, everyone in the bizzarro world seems to hate and despise 'FrequentWare'! Their web site used to get many rude remarks about one of their characters, Topdown the tortoise and the game they released last year, 'Balalayka-Slidewhistlee' didn't sell well at all. Anyway, I shall continue to catalogue my discoveries in the mysterious bizzarro world and keep you up to date on my findings. Also, what does 'documentation' mean? That's what it says you did in the credits of Diddy Kong Racing (which I observed in comparison to 'Georgie Kong Jogging'). I must know to conduct my studies. Thank you.

PS Right, right... Knackers... right...

PPS We're your friend to the family car.

PPPS Alas poor Eurik... I knew him well (not in the biblical sense, mind...)

-BILL (who no longer writes for Blab Magazine, but is delving deep into the mysteries of the bizzarro world)

Once more, our unstable perspective on life is exposed and we are bathed in ritual humiliation. Apart from the bit about a 'continulumn'. What's one of those when it's at home, eh? Anyway, enough political correctness, so-called 'Bill'. Leave us with some dignity, curse you.

• Dearest Scribes,

A single question has bothered me lately like a cricket in my underpants. Rare churns out over-achieving creatures by the fistful. What becomes of our most endearing video game friends after their proverbial 15 minutes? (The unlucky ones ineligible for a follow-on assignment.) Perhaps they are whisked off to a 'Reality Engine' retirement home with an all-you-care-to-eat buffet filled with stars, bananas and coins? Or maybe a petting zoo specifically for retired video game creatures? Er, probably not, as petting a virtual hairless creature with skin resembling plastic is hardly comforting. If Tootie didn't make the cut for Banjo-Tooie, please tell her I have a warm place in my heart and home for her.

Zed

I'm so glad you stopped at "heart and home". Anything else would have been, frankly, inappropriate on this family site where we all love and care for one another in a deep but strictly platonic manner. There haven't actually been that many Rare leading men/women/things consigned to obscurity after a single appearance - and even for those few, there's always hope. Our brains could seize up or something, forcing us to to trawl the archives for all eternity.

• Hello Rare,

I've been a dedicated fan of this site since the beginning (still kicking like a big cow, eh?) and the Scribes section has turned into a whole other animal. I mean, we even have romance springing in here! This is one of a few times I've written to you, but you must hear me on this, friend... WINKY HAS TO BE IN DK64!!!! I mean, we're talking a difference in sales, a spike in the sales of systems! You have to face it: Winky made DKC the mind-boggling game it was. Without that frog (and perhaps the sheer musical genius of D. Wise and his Rare synthesizers) DKC would be a forgotten game about some 800 pound gorilla. And bananas and such. I mean sure, it had real gameplay, but the dense video game consumer public wouldn't have noticed THAT! You can't expect much out of the average player these days... And plus... I bet you Winky will become a cult favorite, just like Tip Tup, except Winky's cooler! He's got style! And he keeps his mouth shut. Therefore you won't have to go pay someone to plod into a recording booth and say "Argh!" "Ugh!" "Whooaaa!" "Thanks Fox I thought they..." ...wait nevermind. Well you understand what I'm trying to say. And I also want to comment on the recent drama, unfolding before the Scribes' very eyes!: "...and hurried down to Snippets with a warm feeling in my breast." Kat, dear, you talk like this and not expect our pal Flea to fall hopelessly in love? You'd have to be off your trolley to not accept this guy with open arms! I don't think you'll find a guy as dedicated as him. And isn't that what every girl wants? I just think you're confused, and the warm feelings in your breast are clouding your good judgement. But I feel for you, friend.

Cheers, Keep up the Kicking,

Richard

You're all going to look a bit weird if Kat turns out to be some strapping great 7 foot rugby player with a skull tattoo on his forehead.

• Dear Scribes,

Mathematically speaking, using the equation found in the July 19 issue of Scribes, the fact I am not an AOL user means I can abuse you as much as I like and , punc'tuate?! as. badly as I want as the value for AOL = 0, and as punctuation and abuse level are multiplied by this number, and everything multiplied by 0 is 0, my abuse and punctuation don't count. So I will call you a silly fool and get away with it and my chances of this letter being printed does not diminish. Oh, and in the letter below, you make another mistake by saying KAOS isn't a cyborg, but he is coz Donkey (and presumably Diddy) Kong is/are stuck inside and controlling, and they're both as organic as a computer generation can be. So I'll say ner and finish.

A Mooing Cow

Last month's scary equation was provided by our very own GE/PD designer, so let's turn your 'findings' over to him for further analysis: "Extrapolating from your 'discovery', we would find that there is a certain observation implied by the equation: if you are not an AOL user it is most likely possible that your use of multiple punctuation is in context/ironic, therefore that particular part of your slate is wiped clean. Similarly, if you are an AOL user who knows how to punctuate at a lower frequency rate, there stands a chance that you have something interesting to say. Now go away."

• Dear Scribes,

I'm a bit confused on some of the issues surrounding dynastic succession in the Donkey Kong games. If Cranky Kong was the original Donkey Kong, and the current Donkey Kong is his son, is the current DK the same infant gorilla who starred in Donkey Kong Junior? I have also seen references to DK being Cranky's grandson -- in that case, what became of the heroic Donkey Kong Jr.? Did he vanish mysteriously in order to provide a plot cliche for one of his son's future adventures? I have also heard it rumored that Diddy is, in fact, the lost Dauphin, and therefore related in some manner to Nintendo's next console.

Roderick Arbuthnot - Specialist in Simian Drama, Ape Research Society of England (A.R.S.E.)

• Dear Scribes,

Oh and the obligatory PD/DK64/B-T/JFG question...

Will you be releasing those games here in the UK first? Go on, I think you owe it to us...

Regards,

PS Message to SirSlush2: "Fight the power Dude! You make me glad I'm English!"''

Si

No way is goolies better than knackers, you 80s throwback. Tsk. The traditional response to the PAL question revolves around the extra time necessary to properly convert a game to the PAL format instead of just leaving it with whacking great borders and a fair old dollop of slowdown, but then again you just never know what's going to happen with some of those future releases, do you?

• Dear Scribes,

I realize that the decision was probably based on the demography of your target audience. But it's still quite disappointing to see a company renowned for its standard of excellence release a character that is so cliché (haven't we seen her a thousand times before?) and derogatory. Surely, you can set a better example and help mitigate the Neanderthal treatment of women.

I can't wait for Donkey Kong.

James Roberts

Clearly you're joking. Clearly nobody in their right mind would accuse the cannon-toting, death-defying heroine Vela of being "patronising" in a time when you can't move for far more artificially promiscuous and incapable 'damsels in distress' wailing at every turn. She's not "a child", and it's frankly ridiculous that you're taking issue with her now when she wore exactly the same uniform in her previous, younger incarnation. "Disproportionally enhanced breasts"? Excuse me? The character has been aged. These things happen. And you should really try playing the game before leaping to conclusions about our motives. In the meantime, comments from the rest of our readership on the validity of Mr. Roberts' claims are welcome, though they'll no doubt be dismissed as the rantings of naive children...

• Annwyl yr ysgribl,

Dwi'm meddwl mae Americanwrau ydy penbwl mawr.... beth? Oh right no Welsh, better stop using my dictionary then. Shame the closest I could get for Scribes was scribble but it's accurate enough really.

Hurrah for references to The Mary Whitehouse Experience. Milky Milky. Oh the hysterics. But see that game where you run around aimlessly for hours on end?

Yesss.

And you shoot lots of pointless enemies who'll turn up again any time soon just to annoy you?

I see them.

And all that blood that comes out when you shoot them with the hilariously oversized weapon?

I am aware of that phenomenon.

Well that's your favourite game that is, you wanted that for Christmas, oh yum Turok you say mmm mmm mmmmm.

Shut up, shut up! See that GoldenEye?

I have partaken in said game before now.

Umm, it's quite good really isn't it?

Just wondering if there's going to be any Banjo-Tooie news any time soon. It'd be nice to see some screenshots, or haven't you managed to do the superb graphics the ending spoke of yet? I ask because I went back to the original yesterday in order to find some tips to give my friend about beating Grunty, she being quite hard and all. Tragically I'd saved it after completion so I just got the end sequence (including Mumbo's irritatingly wobbly hand holding the picture). Luckily I had a saved game where I could go fight Grunty, alas I got beaten when I reached the big Jinjo. Drat the hardness of it all. Someone must have been in a bad mood when they made the last section of the fight with Grunty. I know, let's give them a few tiny seconds to fire accurately and repeatedly. Ho hoho, that'll teach them to persevere through the game.

Will there be any special levels like the last one whose name escapes me, where the level changes according to season, I really like it. And you shall answer this not any designer person because they never give any good answers and your lies will do nicely. Also what suffix or prefix will Nintendo's next console have so they can stick it on every other game. Super Mario DVD perhaps? Mario Kart Ultra? Pilotwings Brand Spanking New And Far Too Powerful With Some Flashy Lights? Cheese Flavoured Metroid.

J. Edwards

Oh and you better be working on Head Over Heels 64 or else there'll be trouble. (Despite you not owning the licence so working on it will also cause trouble... mwahahahahahaha.)

Cheese Flavoured Metroid, eh? Like it. Who wouldn't go for a prefix like that? Surely it's reasonable enough to make a game's final boss damned hard. If you've made it that far, it's unlikely that you'll be too cack-handed to stand a fighting chance, after all. Banjo-Tooie isn't due out until next year, and seeing as people are going to complain whether we give out info and shots right now or keep it all to ourselves until the release date's practically upon us, we may as well just start dishing it out when we feel the time's right. Be patient, darlings. You see that Gruntilda? That's your Mum, that is.

• Dear Scribes,

I have just found out that you have delayed Perfect Dark until April 2000 and I think that is the most absurd thing I have ever heard. Why not Donkey Kong, that game will sell better if it is delayed and not only that people don't give a f**k if you delay it. It has never been delayed, but JFG and Perfect Dark has. I don't care what you guys say because you guys all had plenty of time to finish the game. Also, JFG is coming out on my birthday in October and I swear to god that if you move that release date even one day, then I will come down there and beat the f**kin sh*t out of you.

P.S. I would also like to tell you that by moving it to April, then it will now have to compete with Zelda: Gaiden which comes out in March. Maybe you guys should learn how to run a business.

Signed,

F**K YOU!!!!!!!!!!

How bad can that game be to be delayed 4 months? If I were you I would get in the witness protection program because there is going to be a lot of angry people out there so you should be careful.

Yoda87960@aol.com

Ah, bless. But there's nothing we can say beyond what we've already said in The Outpost, i.e. we're sorry that it won't be released in time for Xmas, but we're not in the habit of letting anything go until it's geuinely^[sic] finished. Quality games are what our reputation's built on, and we don't want to change that any more than we want to insult gamers by trying to sell them something less than they'd expected. It's a shame that you just won't look at it that way.

• Dear... person,

I'd like to warn you now that this letter won't contain as much irrelevant crap as you're used to, but don't let that put you off from getting someone to answer my questions.

1. Why are the Temple and Complex being included in PD's deathmatch? These were two of the worst levels from GoldenEye (I never do the random select just in case it came up with the Complex).

2. How does the pause menu work in PD? It's really annoying getting shot while Bond takes ages to look at his watch.

3. Why does Duncan Botwood look so evil in all his magazine photos?

4. I know there are going to be a lot of weapons in the game, but will there be lots of gadgets too?

5. How many levels will there be?

6. About the excellent create-a-player/GB Camera thing. Will altering character... characteristics change the way they play? For example, I've read you can change height, weight, skin colour, etc. But will fat characters move slowly/Black characters move fast/Asian characters be cleverer/White characters be... well... (uh-oh, I've gone too far).

Nhoj Senrab

PS Don't you think IGN's 'new look' is stupid.

PPS Isn't Donkey Kong just Mr Burns wearing his famed 'gorilla chest vest'.

PPPS What football team do you support? (You'd better answer carefully - i.e. lie if you really support Man Utd - as this could seriously affect whether the public buy Rare games or not.)

PPPPS Okay, I admit it, there was an average proportion of irrelevant crap.

Right, let's get you some tetchy answers, 'Nhoj'.

"1. It depends on your personal favourite level. If you have no friends, I could understand you getting upset at the appearance of levels that are best played with more than one person.

"2. You press start, it pauses. There might be a bit of graphical movement, but that's it. Stop me if I'm getting too technical.

"3. I have embraced the dark side. Fear is my ally. One truth, one hate, etc.

"3. Yes. Is this one labelled 3 because the last one wasn't a proper question?

"4. Seventeenish. Possible bonus levelage aside (!!!)

"5. To some extent, yes. We're tinkering with that now.

"PS. I really don't care. Next-Gen's last facelift was more irritating.

"PPS. Uh....

"PPPS. I don't. But since my Fantasy Football goalie is De Goey, I'll have to say Chelsea. As long as my strikers don't score when they play Chelsea I'll be happy. Sort of.

"PPPPS. 'Average', you say. Hmmm. Do you always underestimate so much?"

• Dear Scribes,

Anyway, I found that if you hit the mute button they are taken care of quite nicely. And after I did that I discovered the JFG and DK64 footage. Both games look great, but the obvious winner is DK64 for 10 reasons. No offense to JFG's team, as I'm still going to buy the game along with several firearms, but DK64 has it topped. Here's why:

10: Obvious farting by Lanky Kong. Excellent.

9: K. Rool has finally gone back to his "Kingliness". Excellent.

8: An Expansion Pak comes with it. Great for us who were to lazy to buy it the first time around. Excellent.

7: Gongs. Like in those old Bruce Lee movies. Excellent.

6: The DK Rap. Surely will make the majority of game players out there mad. Excellent.

5: Minecarts. One of 9 essential vitamins in all video games. Excellent.

4: The DK on Donkey Kong's tie is backwards on the back part of his tie just like in Mario Party, Super Smash Bros., and Mario Golf. This will surely boost the game sales up an extra 8 million copies. Excellent.

3: Either Cranky got drunk and is wearing a Chinese food take out box on his head, or he has become the new Pope. Excellent.

2: BEAVERS! Hmmm... let me call them Gnawtys.

1: And Candy Kong is finally back. And is it just me or did you boost her up a size? Someone's going to lose an eye. Watch out kiddies.

So there you have it. Come 2001 when the new millennium starts, DK64 will be regarded as the game of the millennium, and no other possible game will ever be able to beat it... except DK64 2 or DK-Dolphin.

And no, the year 2000 ISN'T the start of the 21st century. But feel free to get drunk on New Year's Eve anyway.

SirSlush2@aol.com

Do you think the K in K. Rool stands for Kevin? I often wonder. Usually when I'm being driven to distraction by the DK Rap, yes. Cranky is neither drunk nor a religious impostor, as either state would be inappropriate to a family game. We've got no problem with the endless beaver parade, though. And don't you go trying to start some scientific debate on the true beginning of the 21st century as an afterthought, you young hooligan.

• To the almighty and powerful Rarewhere Scribes:

First off, let me suck up and state that you (Rare Ltd.) are programming gods. I can honestly admit that every game since Cobra Triangle I have loved and played constantly to the point where I am almost partially coherent (even that Rare/Coin-it Wheel of Fortune NES game that serves as an obtusely visible skeleton in your closet...). And speaking of skeletons, is Spinal's skull gain move (away + quick punch) the only reason why he doesn't have a parry (stun) block? Anyhow, is there a Killer Instinct 2 soundtrack available anywhere to order? The in-game sounds and music are so "crunk" (African-American slang for good), that it is definitely CD material, just like the original Killer Cuts CD by you fine fellows. And if there is such a disc, how might I obtain it? If there is a way to order a KI2 SDK or purchase from a hidden retailer somewhere in the world I would greatly appreciate that information. By the way, BK, DKC, and Perfect Dark sound files also are exceptional work. I wonder if...? ...end transmission...

-ACE

I'm reliably informed that there was a soundtrack CD released for Killer Instinct Gold, if not for KI2 itself. As for getting hold of it, though, phooo... it's a fair bet that it featured in the Nintendo Power catalogue at the time, but if Nintendo don't have any left lurking in a warehouse corner somewhere, you're just going to have to go prowling the second-hand circuit, I'm afraid...

• Dear Scribes,

Is Jo Dark really a woman underneath all that slinky clothing? One of Jo's relatives, a certain "D Dark" from one of the Street Fighters, had me absolutely convinced that 'she' was a woman. 'She' had soft blond hair, lashy eyes, a long, exciting whip, and a face that, though partially obscured by a gasmask, was very feminine indeed. Imagine my surprise when I finished the game with D Dark, and discovered, with the removal of certain items of clothing, that 'she' was a man! Too disturbingly close to The Crying Game, that one. Or Trainspotters. So please confirm that your devilish cronies at Rare aren't putting in a "stalk-wilter" cheat to reveal Jo in all his effulgent glory, nor working to provide poor Joanna with her very own "~Uiru" (pronunciation as per Uncle Tusk, 6th July).

Please, you MUST tell me! "Help me Editor-of-rareware, you're my only hope!"

Princess Goodie

PS "She sounds like she needs help" -- Luke Skywalker.

PPS "Rare can have a profound effect on the weak-minded" -- Obi Wan Kenobi.

I don't know why you're making this out to be an obvious cause for concern - no other Street Fighter player in the world has ever mistaken D. Dark for a woman, you loon. You must have had a heart attack at the end of Metroid. Granted the PD team are trying to squeeze in quite an imaginative background story, but they haven't yet sunk to revealing Ms. Dark as a big butch bloke... or at least not until you started putting ideas into their heads.

• Dear Scribes,

I've read every Scribes and Ask Uncle Tusk and Secret Goldeneye Codes Monthly you've put on the site but for some reason I seemed to have missed the original version of Mr. Pants. I thought I saw a 3D version once upon a time or something but I don't remember. Any chance you could show a picture?

-Mag

PS Did you draw Mr. Pants?

PPS I'm going to buy Perfect Dark, Donkey Kong 64, Jet Force Gemini, and a Gameboy Camera. Happy?

PPPS In order to add the required word into my letter, insert it preceded by " of his " before the first question mark.

Here's the original Mr. Pants. Not drastically different from the current one, really. But it's worth taking this opportunity to remind you all of the majesty of his debut pose, just in case you catch sight of it somewhere else over the next few months. Never know, do you, eh? Eh?

PS Might have. Who's asking?

PPS What, only one of each?

PPPS A picture of his required? Never heard it called that before, etc.

• Dear Scribes,

P.P.P.P.S. Is the Conker redesign going to be as wild as the JFG one? Cause man, that blows my mind!

P.P.P.S. Hey, you might as well admit it: you're addicted to love.

P.P.S. British slang seems to be dominating more and more of Scribes with each go-round. I fear that in five years' time, Scribes will be nothing more than a bunch of words I don't recognize, filling page after page. I also fear that Banjo-Tooie will not have been released yet.

P.S. Why do Diddie and Dixie hang around with Cranky? If DK is Cranky's son, fine, but why do the other two apparent nonrelatives put up with the vile mistreatment Cranky throws their way? I wouldn't.

T Reiley

Anyway, in my attempt to be "clever" and "offbeat", as you can see, I wrote this message backwards, with the PS's first. Never mind that it renders the "post"-script meaningless. Nor that it seems pointless and petty. Perhaps I will become an Internet legend? Maybe this sort of thing will be "hip" with the "gen-x" population?

• How do I fart on Diddy Kong Racing?

Tom Ali

• Diddy Kong Racing has become defunct as a side-subject, back in the good old days of my dictatorship you couldn't scroll down through two messages without a reference to Bumper's little dance or T.T.'s helium binge!

El Supremo Grande Tiptup

I think we basically exhausted the potential for cheap innuendo.

• To whom it may concern. I have given this a LOT of thought and this is a great game idea. "MARIO SEX." Yes, you heard me right, SEX.

Anthony & Mr. C

Actually, that is a great idea. Just not a very likely one.

• Dear Scribes,

Having read some of the irrational musings of demented people in the previous Scribes [16/9/99], I feel the need to knock some common sense into these people.

1. Rareware is a business. Every business has a primary goal, and in Rare's case it's producing the best quality software possible. This goal is integral not only to the success of Rare but also Nintendo, who no doubt will be relying on the reputation of Perfect Dark to sell large quantities of their console. If Perfect Dark is released incomplete, the reputation of Rare AND Nintendo will be severely tarnished. Doesn't take a genius to work that out.

2. By releasing JFG, DK64, and PD in the same period, Rare's total sales *will* be reduced. Nintendo also needs a major product next year to compete with two brand new rival consoles. This may not be the reason for the delay, but it certainly makes a lot of sense.

3. Rare are working on a game that is theirs and theirs alone. They owe us nothing; in fact I would even suggest they owe us far less than some cynical game distributors who demand good money for absolute sh*te.

4. Asinine comments like 'I will come down there and beat the f**kin sh*t out of you' only give the local anti-games brigade something to use against us, and to be honest the thought of somebody like Mister 'suck me sideways' playing any sort of shooting game scares the crap out of me.

5. I can't believe I need to spell this one out, but here goes: Perfect Dark is just a game, people! Get over it! Go outside or something. I love games as much as anyone, and I would love to have played the complete PD this year, but I've the maturity to accept the fact that I don't have a God-given right to demand anything from Rare. It'll be ready when it's ready.

'Gards,

Adam D

Fair comment. As we keep saying, we'd like to think that a few months' delay here and there will do far less damage to our reputation in the long run than chucking out a string of halfhearted, unfinished games. Your whole 'delay for strategic hardware reasons' theory is a bit off, though - we just don't think about it in those terms. PD needed more time to be the best it could be, end of story.

As for your last couple of points, they're good, but far be it from me to suggest that some people take their gaming way too seriously...

• Dear Scribes,

Arsing Nintendo the new 128 bit machine. With Super Mario Arsination.

J. Edwards

• Dear Scribes,

I am really excited about DK64. I remember when DKC first came out. I begged my parents to get it for me for Christmas and I did get it. I had so much fun with the side-scrolling action and I can't wait for the 3-D version. November seems like so far away now, but I think I'll make it. I have a few questions about the game though. Will the Deathmatch mode in DK64 be first or third-perspective? Also, will the Cast of DK64, in Deathmatch, only be able to use their specific weapons (i.e. Diddy has Peanut Pistols)? And last, will other characters be playable in Deathmatch like Kremlings or something?

Danmoogle

Right then, let's see. Straight from the DK64 designer's gob come the following revelations: multiplayer mode will be third-person a la Jet Force, and while the main participants will be the five playable Kongs with their respective weapons, there'll definitely be a hidden Kremling contingent for the determined player to unearth. How does that grab you, buster?

• Rare,

I have just seen the "HotNewz" promotional video from Nintendo, and I have just one thing to say. Congratulations are in order for the man who brilliantly designed Donkey Kong's ass. It is so beautifully proportioned that it appears to have been molded by the hand of God himself. The supple shading and realistic animation have brought me to one conclusion- this is the finest ass in any videogame ever made.

Mike York

• Dear Scribes,

Hi. I've just started at uni, and all of the drinking and stuff - great, eh? Anyway, I've met someone downstairs from my flat who is just AMAZING at Goldeneye - he has every cheat, every level and every mode, using the two joypad method. Why is it in life that when you think you are good at something (00 Agent Control), you find someone better than you? Anyway, I beat him on multiplayer. Heh heh heh.

My questions are the following:-

1. Will PD have the two joypad player method?

2. Isn't the hands-and-face-through-door bug really funny in Goldeneye?

3. Will PD multiplayer have a Licence to Kill option under a different name? Pretty pretty please!

4. Will PD be as tough as Goldeneye (a good thing)?

5. Why is that Banjo-Kazooie looks and sounds nice, but that the levels are too small and it's much too easy? Please tell me that Banjo-Tooie, Conker 64 and DK64 will all be much bigger and harder (oo-er).

Thanks for your time - I worship Rare. Without Rareware.Com, the world would be a much worse place. Cheers.

ECIRG.

Delegate! Delegate! Where's that designer? Aha.

"1. Yes.

"2. That depends on who you are.

"3. Yes, possibly something like 'Killing License'. Or maybe not.

"4. Yes, arguably tougher. But at least twice as good."

If it's sheer size you're after, DK64's your man. Monkey. Thing. Jet Force is pretty hefty too, and I'd imagine B-T's going to be a considerably larger beast than its predecessor. So you size freaks are pretty well catered for all round...

• Dear Scribes,

Okay. I was fine and dandy, I came home, and logged onto Rarewhere. I saw that Donkey Kong 64 now had an official story! I ran around frantically for a few minutes, and sat down to read it. It's incredible. Finally, K. Rool gets revenge for the Kongs destroying Crocodile Isle twice! But wait! You've created a cast list for us! I read Donkey and Diddy's excerpts, drooling all over my keyboard. I get to Tiny.

Don't get her confused with big sister Dixie of DKC2 and 3 fame.

I just about vomited. How could you possibly conceive something so idiotic? Look: There is only one possibility for Tiny's species: Tamarin. Look at Tiny's eyes. They are separated. Dixie's eyes are connected. Tiny has very small ears, while Dixie has big ka-honker ears, trying to hide behind golden bead earrings. And finally, their size. Tiny is too small to be even considered as a monkey. Obviously, she has to be a smaller species, and a Tamarin would suit her quite nicely.

I read Lanky's little ditty, with no complaints. You even gave him four fingers like Mankey Kong in DKC, to prove the species stability.

But now, we're at Chunky. Oy.

Older brother to DKC3 co-star Kiddy...

Okay, there are so many things wrong with this, I don't know where to begin. Kiddy is a baboon. Chunky is not. Why? Chunky has four fingers. Kiddy has five. Same species do NOT have different numbers of digits! Might I suggest a Bonobo for Chunky's species? Obviously, it's the only one large enough, and still supporting his characteristics.

So you see, adding those relative thing-o's in the Cast List section was a big mistake on your part, Mr. Loveday, and I hope you correct it immediately.

Chad McCanna

Hey pal, I just work with the material I'm given, know what I'm sayin'? And I hope you're not really as slippy in the head as you sound and this entire letter is just one big irony-tastic jape (though I doubt even that would have done anything to brighten the ugly, dead-eyed stares I got from the entire DK64 team while attempting to present them with your 'concerns').

• Dear Scribes,

Here are two observations.

1. "Rareware" can be typed using only the left hand. Heck, it only uses 4 keys. I find this quite amazing.

2. You might want to take the "PD Delay Announcement" off of "Currently Hot". Trust me, it's certainly not hot news, that is, when it was annouced people didn't say "Wow! PD delayed! This will mean a better game in the long run! Hurrah for Rare!". It was a little more like "(Censored)!!! Those (Censored) (Censored) Brits! I will (Censored) bomb the (Censored)(Censored)(Censored) UK and (Censored) kill that annoying Conker the (Censored) Squirrel! (Censored)!"

Hey, I'm all for the PD delay (better game) but the only thing hot about the news would be the temperature of the gaming population's blood as it quickly began to boil. The DK screenshot was "hot", the JFG revamp was "hot", this just makes people angry.

Godspeed.

Jesse Rimler

1. It's not that amazing when you take into account that three letters from the second half of the word are a direct repetition of three letters from the first half of the word. Sorry to be so brutally scientific about it.

3. It's 'hot' in the sense of 'new and of some interest', not necessarily 'really good'. Which is why I never bother including Scribes updates under the 'Currently Hot' tag, as I could probably get taken to court for trying to claim that Scribes was ever 'of some interest', let alone 'really good'.

• Dear Scribes,

Perfect Dark delayed ... Conker undergoing radical redesign ... no details whatsoever on Banjo-Tooie ... countless letters devoted to Game Name Theorem. A little deduction swiftly reveals the connection. Here is a brief description of the reworked titles:

Conker Instinct: Woodland creatures with evil red eyes and bulging muscles fight to the death in the AcornTech Finals. Watch for the highly touted emotional range of the character's faces, which can display rage, hatred, fury, wrath, and berserk psychosis.

Perfect Tooty: Shadowy intelligence agency sends their deadliest cartoon bear-child to thwart the plans of sinister aliens. Let's just hope she doesn't conform to the exaggerated ursine stereotypes so common to today's videogames.

Banjo-Kadarkie: Character team of slow-witted bear with femme-fatale spy in his knapsack makes for unprecedented gameplay. Carries an "M" rating due to the rear egg-firing graphics.

One shudders to think what will become of these names on the Japanese market. Longtime readers may remember that the Japanese name for Banjo-Kazooie is Super Rural Twanging Device with Vibration Flute. Other examples of Japanese names for Rare games include:

Killer Instinct: Murderous Knowledge from Within

Goldeneye: Adventures of the British Espionage-Men

Diddy Kong Racing: Super Super Monkey Driver!

Donkey Kong 64: Fantastic Ape Trek

Jet Force Gemini: Turbo Twinstar Saga Story Quest

Blast Corps: Blast Corps

Mr. Porto, better known in the Land of the Rising Sun as Porto-san

GoldenEye's designer notes that "it was actually called Calm Down, Mr. Brosnan, but he didn't appear to be listening." Meanwhile, as you probably know by now, Jet Force will be going under the moniker of Star Twins in Japan - bit close to the bone there, weren't you?

• Dear Scribes,

Okay. I know that I (still) really am e-mailing you far too much, but I can't think of anyone else that this poem becomes even slightly relevant to. Yes, I was bored and so, having had the poem "The Green Eye of the Yellow God" running around in my head all night (cultural insommnia, such a pain) and having read one too many Scribes in one sitting, I had no choice but to combine the two to get the bloody thing out of my brain. So here it is. Sorry I couldn't think of a more original title.

The GoldenEye of the Yellow God

Still, as long as someone reads it and appreciates it before SirSlush2 tracks me down and butchers me horribly, I can die happy. Enjoy.

Regards,

Chris Allcock

P.S. Ooh, ohh! I knew I had a question, as well. If Nintendo have their own in-house testers, when it comes to testing a game, doesn't that mean that copies of the ROM are flitting backwards and forwards overseas? Surely that would take a long time, and be a bit risky in terms of security? Or do you fly the whole of the 'Super Mario Club' over to Birmingham Airport, pack 'em all in a minibus and smuggle them all into Twycross?

Chris Allcock

Very fine, sir. The amount of time and effort put into it is quite... disturbing. I'll refrain from posting the original for comparison just in case anyone gets arsey about it: there are plenty of other places to find it on the Web should any of you feel so inclined.

Now do one for The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock. Go on.

PS. Cybernetically-enhanced carrier pigeons, mate. Salt of the earth. Don't know where we'd be without 'em.

• Dear Blue Background:

So, assuming that Donkey Kong 64 will be long out, out, or almost out when the next Scribes roll around, I can finally end my five year long anticipation binge. Which makes me happy on one front, and sad on the other. Seeing how the anticipation gave me something to garp about seemingly means my garping days are over for a long time. Now that Donkey Kong 64 is out I might as well trash my Nintendo 64, seeing how I bought the system almost three years for the sole purpose of a Donkey Kong Country 64 game. Unless you make a Donkey Kong 64 2 to combat the evil ritualistic Pokemon that has engulfed the weakest of children over here in the Americas. But seeing how you are too busy with those Disney games at the time being, I guess we won't be seeing a Donkey Kong specific game from Rare until near the end of the Dolphin's life. So I'll prematurely open the gates of Hell now.

1: How many levels are in "Donkey Kong Dolphin?"

2: Will Dixie and Kiddy be in "Donkey Kong Dolphin" as playable characters?

3: Will "Donkey Kong Dolphin" feature full co-op support?

4: When is the estimated "Donkey Kong Dolphin" release date?

5: Will you go edgy and push "Donkey Kong Dolphin" towards a teen rating?

6: And is full fecal flinging FINALLY a possibillity in "Donkey Kong Dolphin?"

Of course, you could try and tell me that "Donkey Kong Dolphin" is not in development, which would lead me to pet my rifle, back and forth, weeping into darkness...

SirSlush2@aol.com

No faith, that's your problem. DK will be long out by the next Scribes, indeed. Hrrmph.

The Disney deal doesn't preclude all other games on our part, you know, and neither (contrary to popular rumour) does the number of games involved go into double figures. We've got more than enough teams available to handle a whole range of projects, as always. And while nothing's been said as yet, there's a fair chance of DK and the gang cropping up on Nintendo's next machine at some point, so feel free to pick up the reins of your obsession and carry on where you left off even as you devote months of your life to taming the almighty behemoth that is DK64...

• Dear Editor, Person or thing,

I was wondering why in Donkey Kong 64 you replaced Kiddy a fairly likeable character, for Chunky Kong presumably a ugly-type character. Moving boulders wouldn't be a problem for Kiddy. Now on to Dixie, why did you replace this character (that has starred in 2 games) for a miserable character like Tiny? If Dixie crouched down a bit she could fill in for Tiny. The world does crave for new stuff but isn't a bit of tradition good for a game?! (Boy I wonder if you like reading junk like this?)

From a Rare fan,

PPJ

It's all to do with new blood, something of a tradition in the DK series. We happen to think that DK64's mix of old (DK, Diddy, Funky, Cranky etc.) and new (Tiny, Chunky, Lanky) is pretty balanced - there'd have been plenty of complaints if we simply hadn't bothered bringing a few new Kongs to the fold. Besides, you can't really decide that a character's "miserable" until you've played through the game with them, can you? Bet you didn't like Kiddy until you started to get into DKC3...

I couldn't possibly like reading "junk like this" as much as I like reading junk like the letter below.

• Dear person who works at Rare who reads this,

I know you said that Cranky is DK's father, but I have an idea, I have an idea. When DK was really young, something happened to his parents, so Cranky, DK's Grandfather decided to be DK's father, so he would have one, then Cranky told him when he got older. But he wasn't as Cranky then, he got Cranky when he changed his name to Cranky. And why are all the Kongs in DKC3 wearing pants, the only ones that aren't are DK, and Diddy, but they're barely in it. And the Kremlings aren't wearing any clothes. What happened? Did some of the Kremlings get Klump, and Krusha fired, so they stole all their pants, and the only way they would give them back was for K. Rool to hire them again, and that happened after DKC3?

No, I have a better idea, Mr. Pants felt sorry for the Kongs, and stole all the Kremlings' clothes, luckily K. Rool's wife knew how to sew, and made him a Dr.'s suit. And what ever happened to her? Did she die or something? And when you said all the Kongs would be in DK64 did you mean Bluster, the guy who owns the barrel factory in the DKC show, and do you have a picture of him? One more thing, is that one Kremling that wears a jacket, Krunch? It looks like him a lot. One more thing, this is really the last, what is the name of that blue Kremling with a jacket on?

Devin529@aol.com

We didn't say that all the Kongs were going to be in DK64, and we certainly didn't say that we were going to include non-Rare characters from the TV show such as this so-called Bluster. Pant-wearing policy within the Kong clan seems to be a fairly radical "if you can be bothered" sort of affair, and we don't even know if K. Rool has a wife, so it strikes us a bit weird to be fretting over what's happened to her. Oh, and the big blue Kremling (assuming you mean the one in the screenshots) apparently goes by the name of Kasplat. How's that for service, eh?

• Dear evil murderous Kong-killers,

You B#!@"$(s! You, You killed her! YOU KILLED WRINKLY KONG! And you gave her a sex change too! Why? What did she ever do to you eh? All she wanted to do was live her life like a normal ape, doing Kongy type-stuff like exercising and building her collection of Banana Birds. You're SICK you are. I hope all go to hell and... erm... I mean... COOL GAME! Yer.

Your Anythingtogetonthescribesedly,

Lozza

We didn't kill her. She was ancient anyway, and seeing as the team "needed a ghost character to pop out of obscure places", the connection was a pretty obvious one to make. Fear not, though, as we're not quite done and dusted with old Wrinkly just yet. She'll be back, you wait and see... well, she might.

• Dear Pokéfriends,

I have figured out why you have kept PD back so long; You have decided to change the character at the heart of the conspiracy. Yes, yes, it's everyone's favourite communist, Tiptup. I've already sent you all of the details of this before, and I couldn't be arsed to write it again. I'll just say this: Tiptup was a Blofeld/Dr. Evil hybrid, with his cute little cat and all, and the end sequence was some crap about Joanna and her friends eating turtle soup.

Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if the final story is about Joanna's company giving her a Pikachu and Team Rocket would try a new, ingenious plan to capture it every level. This story would have been pants, but at least it would have been amusing pants. You could even change it so it was called Perfect Pants.

I have also written the new sequel to replace B-T: Juno-Vela(ie). Juno runs around with Vela in his backpack and Lupus pops up from time to time to teach them new moves.

Now, maybe, some real questions:

1. You didn't really give N64 Gamer a PD cartridge to play with, did you? Because if you did, I would have to make the money to go overseas and kick all of your arses.

2. How come in the credits of Super Smash Bros. Rare was credited as having given permission to Nintendo for the use of Donkey Kong? I would have thought you had just given them a model, which they already would have had from Mario Party.

3. Can you make one of the cheats for PD 'Pokémon Mode', where the aliens are changed into Pokémon? Nintendo would let you. You'd sell millions more.

4. How about making a Safari game where you take photos of Rare characters? Many characters will be in it (mainly N64), but disappointingly few overall. I can see the introduction now: Joanna Dark walking through the forest with her camera, something runs along beside her. She turns to take a photo, but all she gets is a picture of a bowler hat. Joanna goes through all of the courses with her magical machine, taking photos of Tiptup (bonus points for a picture of Tusk cutting him in half!) and the like, and eventually goes to the Mr. Pants bonus stage. It will be a modern classic.

5. What's the Australian release date for JFG?

6. Did you read IGN's scathing review of JFG?

Thankyou,

Togepi_Ikari@hotmail.com

P.S. Death to Tiptup! (I do realise he is fictional, but he is really annoying. I mean- 'Hey, it's Tiptup!' What is Tiptup? He is Tiptup, damnit!)

P.P.S. Take2 hates B-K, so I hate Take2.

P.P.S. I knew who Brian Boitano was! I watch South Park.

P.P.P.S. He also won in 1993.

1. Eh? Who?

2. They produced their own model, based on ours.

3. I don't think Nintendo would really jump at the chance to let you unload a semi-automatic into Pikachu's head, do you? That's if our Mature target audience even knows what Pokemon are.

4. It'd probably work quite well in a bizarre, hopelessly inconsistent kind of way, but I can't shake the feeling that I've seen it somewhere before...

5. Dunno. Ask Nintendo Australia.

6. It wasn't exactly 'scathing'. They just seemed to have a whole set of problems with it that nobody else even noticed. Bless.

• Dear Spinning Rareware Logo In The Top Left Corner That Won't Stop Spinning:

I took time off from my busy playing schedule to write to you, for fear I wouldn't make it before the next Scribes "deadline." I just wanted to wait and tell you what I think of Donkey Kong 64. It was VERY worth the wait. Everything just... clicks together and makes it one heck of a game. Perhaps the company's best effort yet (and since this company is at the top of all the other ones, that's saying a lot about the game). Where to begin...

---Chunky Kong and Lanky Kong. I was skeptical about bringing in three new Kongs, especially when you guys had Dixie and Kiddy sitting in the garage ready to be driven again. It wasn't until I started to play when I realized why you did it. Chunky is the most hilarious thing ever created for a platformer. On the other hand, Lanky is just... odd, which is perfect.

---Keeping up with the established characters. This was great. Diddy now takes himself almost way too seriously, unlike the unsure rookie we met five years ago. Funky is now an established inventor, and has for the most part shred his surfer image. Candy, who we haven't seen but one time before, acts like you would expect her to act. A major flirt who uses double meanings in words to flaunt her sexuality (actually, maybe this was just the lonely DK64 team speaking out to the world). K. Rool seems more determined then ever, which makes sense after his horrid losses in the past. Fantastic job on making these characters more than just images on a television screen.

---Lighting effects, graphics, incredible Dolby Surround Sound, etc...

---And perhaps the two greatest things ever: the use of the word "Hell" in a game rated Everyone by the ESRB (I'm only disappointed it wasn't used in the actual game and not in the Monkey Rap...) and Wrinkly Kong's decaying remains. You actually killed off a character. BRAVO! I just hope you won't neatly forget about her death and have her come back as a living ape in the next DK game you make. Once she's dead, she's dead. Please. But one question? Did she ascend to Heaven, or sink to Hell? We never really found out... did we?

Here's to you guys making the Game Boy Color game Lanky and Chunky Kong's Bingo Bonanza In Color. The name alone guarantees it will sell like hotcakes (like in a place where people hate hotcakes more than Satan himself).

SirSlush2@aol.com

Ah, Mr. Slush. After so long practically squirting synaptic fluid from your ears with anticipation, we could hardly deny you the opportunity to spout off about DK64 at last. Even if you did veer dangerously close to essay territory once or twice there. Still, glad the game lived up to expectations.

Not too sure about Wrinkly - she seemed a nice enough sort on the outside, but you never can tell, can you? For all we know she could have been an active member of the Space Precinct fan club or something in her earlier years. Can't say old Cranky came across as massively traumatised, anyway.

And how could you fail to give Swanky Kong a part in your Bingo game? Who in their right mind would even consider leaving Swanky Kong out of any... oh.

• I can understand hiding the original DK game in DK64, but about Jetpac... any specific reason that one was chosen? Kinda makes me wish I had a Speccy back then. And that I was alive.

Nicholas Killewald

Diddy's got a jetpack. And not being born is hardly an excuse.

2000

• Dear Scribes,

Okay listen, I'm dying to know this. Is it just me, or does K.Rool sound EXACTLY like Dr. Claw (not that wuss Claw from the movie) from the Inspector Gadget cartoon? Listen to him: "Soon, Donkey Kong and his precious island will be no more!" I'm waiting for him to say "I'll get you next time, DK. NEXT TIME!!!"

Well, at least he doesn't sound like The Hooded Claw from Penelope Pitstop. Anyway, according to the designers, it was more of a general classic arch-villain feel that they were going for, rather than basing it on any one in particular - there are suggestions of memorable Bond baddies, for instance, as well as the old Dangermouse double team of Baron Greenback and Nero.'

• Dear Guy who left us alone for a month and look what happened,

You sly fox, you. You know I don't read Nintendo Power or any other gaming magazine for fear of hints that I don't want to know. You know this is the first place I get all my information. You know that I refuse to pick up a Players guide for DK64 even though I haven't been able to find 10 purple bananas and a faerie in the Fungi Forest or two gold bananas on the DK Isles despite all my long hours of playing. You know your site is the first place I come across all the information on your games. And now I see why you had to leave for a month. You couldn't keep it a secret, so when you finally get back, you just blurt it out. You know what I'm talking about. It was the name of the magazine.

Ok, so, I was more surprised by the PD on the GBC, but that's just fine. Here come the questions:

1) How the devil are you?

2) Did you have fun?

3) Did I have fun?

4) What do you have in your pockets right now?

5) Can I borrow a dollar?

6) Is the Mr. Pants drawing a self portrait?

7) Is the whole Mr. Pants/Mrs. Pie relationship really a cover-up for your own adulterous scandals?

8) Why didn't I ask any questions about games?

Amanda Marie Schroeder, a.k.a Kablooie, evil twin of Kazooie

PS. I know who King K.Rool's wife is... Queen K.Rool!

1) Very much the devil, thank you. 2) Oh yes. The French are mental, mind. 3) Sort of hard to tell. 4) Loads and loads of hard British currency. 5) See 4. 6) Not intentionally, but give me a few years at this rate of junkfood consumption and it could be. 7) Wouldn't be a very good cover-up really, would it? 8) Because this is Scribes, and as time's moved on we've sort of stopped dealing with that kind of thing.'

• To Mr. Scribe,

Ah, what a merry Christmas. JFG and DK64 flew out of the Christmas pile and have both been perched atop my N64 ever since (not at the same time, mind). DK64 has especially been a treat, and has been subjected to vigorous playing for a couple of days now. Ooh, playing as Donkey and Diddy again is a treat in itself (nice modelling job on Donkey if I do say so myself. Congrats go to the artists, especially for paying extra attention to his 'buns'). Playing some of the old-school games has been a laugh as well. Jetpac was surprisingly tricky (but I've got the hang of it now) and Donkey Kong has tested me to my limits. Another cheer goes out to the programmer who decided it would be nice to use the Control Pad for a change.

Jet Force has (unfortunately) been reduced to being a multi-player game for now, until I've done Donkey Kong. The controls for both games clash, and I'm sent into a brain-spinning frenzy as Juno is sent hurtling down into another bottomless pit because I tried to go into first-person view with C^ instead of the R Button. I'm sure when I settle down to play it in the near future it will indeed provide me with some hearty challenge.

"Get to the point, sonny-jim," I hear you say, well there is no point. I just wanted to thank you for making my Christmas a very merry one. Hope you all got loadsa pressies, and sat around eating lunch while watching Ali G's Alternative Christmas Message instead of the Queen's. She looks a bit like Wrinkly Kong actually (when she was alive, anyway).

Who is your favourite Smash Bros. character? Am I the only person who always chooses Donkey Kong or Luigi? Everyone I know always chooses Link or Pikachu... freaks.

I shall continue to wait eagerly for the "Next Big Thing". Until then, toodle-oo.

---Super Markio---

I always choose Link or Pikachu, because their long-range attacks are supremely irritating. But that's not as freakish as choosing Captain Falcon in his lovely hot-pink-on-white outfit... which I also do. "Show me your moves! Ducky." The people I play against always choose Mario and Kirby. Kirby usually wins. It's so depressing. Jet Force and DK, hmm? That'll certainly keep you going for a while. You should also try alternating control methods within each game - that's an intentional extra secret bonus expert challenge mode we intentionally threw in on purpose, that is. And stop concentrating so hard on DK's 'buns', you bunch of weirdos.'

• Dear Scribes,

I recently purchased DK 64, and with all this talk of the glitches in the game I thought I would share all the bugs I've encountered in my copy of the game to you.

1. It's huge: I don't know how this happened but I think my copy of the game is longer than it should be. The worlds in my copy of the game are at least twice the size as the worlds in B-K.

2. Five characters: Again, I have no idea how this happened, but somehow there are five Kongs in my game. Perhaps you were working on five separate games to be released and they were somehow all mashed together as one.

3. DK Arcade + Jet Pac: Someone must have been playing these classic games while the game was being programmed, and somehow they were implemented by mistake into my cartridge.

4. Great looking characters: Now, I know the characters in this game were supposed to look like Mr. Pants, but somehow all the characters in my game are amazingly constructed and smoothly animated. I don't know who screwed this one up, damn them.

5. Purdy lighting effects: I assume all the areas of the game were supposed to be lighted in exactly the same brightness and colour, but for some reason my copy has some multicoloured lighting effects, actually radiating from objects in the game.

6. Challenge: Games aren't supposed to be challenging these days, I should be able to beat the game the night I buy it.

7. Dolby Surround Sound: I know games aren't supposed to have this, but maybe it got mixed up with DVD production or something.

8. The DK Rap: I truly hope that is a bug.

I guess these bugs are the result of the short development time because it was obviously rushed for the holidays. I hope oversights like these will not be over-looked in the future.

Tim Mitchell

Yeah, sorry about that. If only we'd had the integrity to spend more time sitting on our arses watching crap daytime TV instead of compulsively working on the game, then we could have avoided all these niggling developmental pitfalls. Never mind. Now excuse us while we sit back and await the surge of emails from the less irony-compatible members of our readership (and believe me, there will be).

• Dear Scribes,

Let me first start this post saying I'm American. NO! WAIT! DON'T CLOSE THE WINDOW YET!

I'm gonna get straight to the point, I have questions, you've got answers. Let's trade.

1. Why does everyone hate Ellie the elephant in DKC3? Ask anyone and they say she was a bad character. Poor Ellie... (P.S. In America that would be Elly.)

2. What is that pillar for in DK64, in Creepy Castle there is a bananaport that takes you (when you're Tiny) to an odd pillar with bright light shining down on it.

3. I'm sure I'm the 500 billionth person to ask you this, but is there or is there not a Lost World? Or if not a lost level, character, animal, anything...?

P.P.S. - Just to make you mad, I'm going to defame your English words into our crappy American lingo. Vanilla is my favorite ice cream flavor. I like the white coloring of it. Behold vanilla in all of it's^[sic] splendor! Now if you post this up, I will gladly return to you your English words.

BlitzGhost

1. In both cases: what are you talking about? 2. It's a secret. Or it's bugger all. Take your pick. 3. Got Krusha in multiplayer, have you? There you go then. Get away with your Lost World tomfoolery. PS Yeah - that's really, really annoyed me. It's not like I see it every day or anything.'

• Dear Scribes,

Let me start by saying that you are my favorite video game company. I look forward to your new 'E' rated games. I like your humor, and don't find it offensive as a adult. I have 2 children, girls, 6 and 8. They love DK Racing, Banjo and now DK64.

As a parent, I have a hard time trying to teach them what is appropriate and what is not. In today's world it is hard to screen everything they see and hear. And that is the subject of this complaint.

Did you have to use the word Hell in the Diddy Kong rap? I understand that it is used everywhere now, and call me a prude, conservative or whatever (although I think I am far from that), but I still cringe when my kids sing this. Heck would work just as well, and probably is a stronger statement of integrity considering that the word hell is used everywhere.

Sorry, I guess the Who was right when they sang "I hope I die before I get old..."

Ron Weldy

It's refreshing to see someone able to differentiate between opinion and fact. We can appreciate your sentiments, but as you say, the word 'hell' is part of the language now whether we like it or not, and in this case it's not even used in a blatant or derogatory context - "hell of a guy" a bad thing? The truth is, we just didn't give it a second thought, and nowhere along the way did anyone suggest that it might cause problems. Call it a sign of social decay if you like, but to be honest we're still amazed at the fuss it's caused.'

• Dearest Rare or guys who made that game with the monkey,

I was unaware that YOU (you being Rare/Ultimate and not the mail guy reading this) were reponsible^[sic] for some of my favorite NES and SNES games. (I read the site...) Anyway, onto the matter at hand. I just completed DK64 completely (all 101%). While playing, my girlfriend (yes I am a video game addict AND have a gf... rare breed) and I were trying to figure out what types of primates each of the Kongs were. This is what we came to, and any discrepancies between your game and 'real life' may be noted, but not held against you. I figure if I can believe that they can talk and that there are giant reptile kings, then who's to say they can't be bipedal (walking upright for the kiddies)... They're wearing pants for crying out loud. Alright alright... here goes...

This is assuming Cranky is the original DK from the arcade and that the current DK is his son (making him Donkey Kong Jr... proving he has a heart ;D). From their looks, they are GORILLAS, not monkeys but apes. You can explain away their bipedal behavior due to their use of hands for tools (just like humans!). By looks, Funky, Grandma and perhaps Candi are also gorillas. I assume Candi is (despite her less than gorilla like features ;)) because she is going out with DK (I heard, correct me if wrong) and gorillas only mate with other gorillas (if they've gotten that far yet ;D) Alright, so they match up rather well (besides the generic monkeyesque references... ex. Baboon Blast... I don't see no steenking baboons). Next in the chain of command is Diddy. Diddy is obviously a new world monkey. Characterized by his small size and prehensile tail (gripping... can swing by it) he is the only MONKEY of the bunch. Looking at Tiny and Chunky, we know they are related (this will include Dixie also). Tho Tiny has a small stature, we are unable to see her tail, but since Chunky is her brother, and Chunky neglected to wear pants, we're in luck. They too are Apes, Chimps more specifically. This would bring into question Diddy and Dixie's love since they would technically be interbreeding. Luckily for them, in the 60's DK Isle adopted integration and inter-racial relationships were no longer 'taboo'. I am excluding that baby thing from DKC3 because I was too poor to purchase it and I am now too lazy to look up pictures of it. Finally we come to Lanky. Lanky is easy, he is a orangutan. Also an Ape. In conclusion, we find that the Kongs are not blood relatives, but rather a collective group of primates who hoard golden bananas and display primitive forms of civilization. (Clothes, coins, guns, explosives...) This email is not meant to criticize, rather clarify. As previously stated, I realize it's only a game and that if you believe that they can wear pants and shoot guns, then you have no right complaining that Diddy is referred to as 'The Champ of Chimps...' Heheh. Keep up the EXCELLENT work and great job on one of the only games I'm GLAD I bought for N64 (Mario Kart, Smash Brothers and Blast Corps. are the others). You're inspiration for us aspiring game developers... yes that's right. I do NOT major in Anthropology, but CS and hope to one day code a game that has half the playability of JetPac :)

Awaiting your next release (how's that for pressure)

-Phil Wortas

BTW... (see? no P.S.!) You had a collective release of games earlier, why not repackage them all on a cartridge for N64? Hell (uh oh, I mean Heaven) Playstation did it with crappy games and made some money, why shouldn't YOU with good ones? Oh well, I'm just talking out of my ass here. Oh yeah, and what's with all those stupid spellings for words like FAVOURITE and CENTRE and sh*t (I mean crap, er... poo?) Join the 21st century guys. Hehe kidding, don't hate me because I'm an ignorant American! ;) Bye.

Mmmm. Unfortunately your entire argument started to fall apart in the middle when you took it for granted that Tiny and Chunky are brother and sister. Always the same, you scientific types: spend hours tinkering away with the tiniest details without checking the big umbrella issues first. Tsk. If you'd been paying attention in class, young man, you'd know that Chunky is Kiddy's brother (Kiddy being "that baby thing from DKC3"), and Tiny is Dixie's sister. Anyway, enough Kong species conjecture! Enough, dammit! The ruddy Pokemon never have this trouble.'

• What is this Jetpac? Jetpac is better than Donkey Kong! Jetpac is my new god! Where is Jetpac 64? I want more Jetpac! Oh, I will never doubt Cranky's taste in games again! Jetpac Jetpac Jetpac!! Mmm... Jetpac...

SuperFobby@aol.com

I knew there was an AOL user with taste out there somewhere.'

• How many marks would you give Princess Peach, out of two? I don't know about you, but I'd definitely give her one.

Benjamin Hu

Better wait for Mario to decide how many he's giving her first.'

• Your credit for Donkey Kong Country 2 is "story". Ouch.

Scott Bardsley

Come on, I was young, I needed the money...

• Why can the Kongs swim under water for hours but Banjo can't. Are they magic gilled monkeys?

Super Joe Jr.

Thanks for saving me the effort of thinking up a stupid answer.'

• Dear Scribes,

First of all I must say thanks for wasting so many hours of my life when I could have been out havin' a laugh! I have been a complete game head since the first bat and ball games arrived. I graduated to an Atari console and looked on in awe at the advance in games. Then came home computers, my first of which was the great ZX Spectrum. There were many great games for that machine, but shining far above the others was the revered Ultimate - Play the Game. And I played. I played them all, from Jet Pac to Alien 8, Trans-Am to Nightshade. In those years you took nearly a 70% cut of my pocket money!

Time passes, Ultimate fades, Rare steps in. It is now January 2000 and you're still taking a large chunk of my income! I should have a space on my tax return for 'Subsidies to game companies'. At this point you're probably expecting a request for a massive 17 year loyalty discount, but no. I want something else.

Having just given me a massive flashback to the 80's by sneaking Jet Pac into DK64, I want more! Give them to me. Give them to everybody. Bundle all the Ultimate games up into one Cart. The original game code can't even total to 1.5Mb which gives you potentially 254.5Mb to build a Spectrum Emulator (though you might need to utilise the Expansion Pak!). Go on, how about it?

G. Brennan (Ward for the Terminally Gamed-Up)

I feel your pain. There's just no time to fiddle about with the azimuth alignment trying to get ruddy Atic Atac to load these days, and as for emulators, weeell, it's not the same without five minutes of screechy loading borders and a crap Interface II joystick. According to Mr. C. Stamper himself, there's always a possibility of a compilation along these lines as we still own the rights to the Ultimate game celebs... but not just yet. The sad fact is it'd all be lost on the vast majority of people outside the UK, so for now let's just hope that the idea of sneaking old classics up the jumpers of new games (á la Jetpac/DK64) catches on, eh?

• Dear Rare,

I have noticed that in a lot of your decent Donkey Kong games (DKC, DKC2, DKC3, DKL, DKL2, DKL3, DK64) the titles to your levels incredibly include two words that start with the same letter (Balloon Barrage, Creepy Castle, Jungle Jinx, Jungle Japes, Gangplank Galleon). So I have a some^[sic] suggestions for your next game:

Creepy Corpse: Since you nonchalantly murdered Wrinkly I decided you should make a level with a grave and decomposing body of Wrinkly Kong.

Moldy Monkey: Basically a dingy desert level that's hot and stinky, the longer you take in this world the greener your charecter^[sic] becomes and soon he'll kill off the other monkeys if you're not careful.

Monkey Murder: A horribly horrendous level where Diddy Kong goes around the level wielding a chainsaw and Donkey Kong must run away from the little lunatic (hmm... I suspect a little juicy jealousy jubilee over Candy Kong???)

{r@ppy Chamber Pot: A nice friendly level where you swim around a sewer system.

Well, what do you think, I think they are refreshingly real, convincingly comical and so superb. No, seriously I really like your Donkey Kong games except please get the guy who did the music on DKC2 to do the music on your next game. PLEASE!!! The music on DK64 wasn't at all what I know Donkey Kong's music to be like, it was jumpy, bouncy and light but I have always known DK's music to be darkish, melancholy and somtimes^[sic] a little sad and I loved it. Ha! As if you're going to listen to me. One teenager who doesn't like the music on DK64. Oh well...

The Thiessens

• Dear Scribes,

Guess what I got for Christmas? DK64 and Jet Force Gemini. DK64 took over my life but I ended my addiction by (God help me) getting 101%. I don't think Snide can get clean so easy. So then I played Jet Force Gemini. I got halfway into it, AND YOU TURNED LUPUS INTO A TANK! WHY? It's not fair to do that to a mascot-quality character! But I can let him get revenge by blowing up Mr. Pants all day. BUT WHY DID YOU DO IT? Vela gets bicycle shorts, Juno gets a spiffy helmet, AND YOU TURN LUPUS INTO A TANK! I would have liked it better if you would have given him a glow-in-the-dark flea collar and called it an armor upgrade!

VitoMazz@cs.com

PS I spelled "armour" "armor" on purpose! Take that! HAH HA HA HAH hahaha heheh he he ho ho...

PPS HA!

Official team answer: "Because it would have been ridiculous to turn Juno or Vela into a tank." What's so bad about being half-tank, anyway? I could understand your reservations if he'd been turned into a mattress or something, but tankifying him just makes him harder. And he can still tilt over onto one of his tracks if he needs to make use of a lamppost.'

• Dear Scribes,

It is with great anticipation that my colleagues and I at the Ape Research Society of England (ARSE) have awaited the release of Donkey Kong 64, widely held to be the most significant new work of primate-related fiction since Dunston Checks In. And while it has been quite well received in general around the ARSE offices, I was disturbed to note that Chunky makes use of a shoulder-mounted pineapple-launching incendiary device. A brief consultation of Jane's Guide to Fruit confirmed my suspicions: rocket-propelled pineapples have been banned by international law since 1976, when a UN subcommittee on agricultural warfare determined them to be "unsuitably pointy for conventional battlefield applications." I would respectfully urge you to alter future carts to reflect this fact; perhaps by having Chunky utilise less controversial ammunition such as fragmentation kumquats or armor-piercing papayas.

Roderick Arbuthnaut, Specialist in Simian Conflict Studies

• I have beaten DK64. I have beaten it so bad it is dead.

The Rambler

A bit excessive, but at least it keeps you off the streets, eh?

• It is possible to get Tiny above the mermaid, and swim straight down. You'll go through the mermaid, and if you're lucky, switch to First-Person View and you'll see a good view of the mermaid's "melons."Cyber BondYour process is far too elaborate to have been an accident.'

• WHY DID YOU MAKE CANDYS BREATS^[sic] SO BIG?

Squirtlerules@Col.com

She has to take big deep 'breats'... to fill her enormous chest.'

• Dear Scribes,

I thought I'd write in and ask some questions. Erm... Right... So here goes.

1. Would I be right in thinking there is more than a few Terry Pratchett fans among the Rare staff?

3. From a previous Scribes a concerned mother wrote in saying that it made her cringe when her kids sung 'He's a hell of a guy.' If I were you luv I'd be more concerned about them singing the poxy song in the first place.

5. In the beginning of DK64 K.Rool is talking in a perfectly clear voice doing his Dr Claw bit but when he's in the boxing ring he sounds like he's eating cotton wool. Why is this?

6. How about Rare does some kind of track and field game for the N64? With 4 people bashing away on controllers that could be great fun. And you being Rare maybe you could make it so that the Pole vault event isn't completely impossible?

7. Will you be unveiling any Dolphin developments soon? No I didn't think so.

8. Okay I have a controversial one. Do you think that Nintendo will have the Dolphin ready for the end of the year?

Onecharmingdude

1. Probably. But then again with the number of people working here we've probably got one or two Shania Twain fans as well, so it's not much of a revelation really. 2. But that's what I've done, man. Don't you see? 3. Fair point. 4. Because she's 'hip' and 'trendy', of course. Plus you never know what crazy adventures you're going to end up in when you're a monkey. 5. Because he's eating cotton wool, or he's got a gumshield in, or something. Yeah, that'll do. 6. The possibility did arise at one point... then went away again. 8. See how I make it instantly less controversial by completely failing to answer it.'

• Hello Rare-Scribe people,

Since I have been a customer and purchaser of Rare games for several years now, I think it would only be appropriate if the following questions were clearly answered without any joking, humor, double talk, or ambiguous statements:

1. Are there any hidden levels or Lost World on DK64?

2. For curiosity sake, what was the original purpose for that peculiar pillar in the museum on Creepy Castle (where Tiny ports to)?

3. Why are there some tasks that, once accomplished, seem to have no benefits or rewards? Ex: finding all battle crowns and all regular, five colored bananas. This seems very un-Rare like; in most Rare games, all items served some purpose either to gameplay or for unlocking great secrets.

4. What on holy earth and sucky hell is the 'scroll of gameplay', which is mentioned in the game manual by Cranky? I strongly doubt that was some crap ass joke. Is it a hidden item in DK64, or something similar to the eggs and ice key in Banjo-Kazooie and will only be obtainable in a future sequel?

Please, I beg of you to answer these questions. Hundreds upon hundreds of Rare fans have been dying to get clear responses (very unlike those answered by Uncle Tusk and the Scribes-letter answerer guy) that cannot be interrupted any other way. I will offer my personal services (whatever those are I'll let you guys figure out) in exchange for these answers.

Bye-bye,

Adam

Oh, you people are no bloody fun. Sigh. Alright, at the risk of actually invoking these "personal services" and sparking off a comical 'Information for Sexual Favours' scandal, here's your answers: 1. Not as far as I know. Honest truth. Okay? 2. Sigh... it's really not important. Just be reassured that it serves no purpose now beyond looking interesting in a room that otherwise wouldn't look very interesting at all. 3. You do have to collect the battle crowns for the full ending, along with very nearly everything else in the game - if we'd forced you to hunt down every single 'regular' banana on top of that, you'd just have whinged like you did about finding all the Tribals in Jet Force. Make your minds up, people. 4. It was a "crap ass joke" - and not mine, either, so you can bite back that indignant retort, sonny Jim.'

• Dear Scribes,

I know this must sound dreadfully pathetic but I'm stuck at a point in DK64. You must be shocked that you've received a letter from someone who is not concerned with things like Mr. Pants' interesting relationships, but try to stay calm. I have completed all of DK64 except I am missing one thing. There is one fairy on DK Isle that I can't find. I'd really like to get back to staring at your website for hours waiting for your next release, but I can't until I find that fairy. I want to be able to cheat. Come on, I think I've earned it. I am aware that this will probably not be answered because I have not challenged Wrinkly Kong's sexuality, or urged the release of a game based solely on Pants. I'm not asking for much. Besides, shouldn't you reward the people who send in coherent letters?

Anonymous. (Can you blame me for wanting to be?)

Don't worry, there's plenty of other Pants-obsessed stupidity doing the rounds to make up for your shocking omission. As for rewarding the people who send in coherent letters, well, fair enough in theory, provided they send them to the right place. Do you see? Game question: Uncle Tusk. Do you see now? Alright, alright. Fairies can be found in the Factory Hub, Forest Hub, on the island next to the Fairy Island and on top of K. Rool's Island. That's about as specific as I get.'

• Dear Mr. "British" (for lack of a better name),

I have 2 issues to attend to, Apes & Swearing:

Swearing: It seems that everyone is (or was) really concerned about DK64's use of the word HELL! in an E rated game. So what. Space Station Silicon Valley (if anyone still remembers that game) had a daring but relatively unnoticed use of the word DAMN! (Intro to farm level).

Apes: This one's got a crappy picture. I have discovered the true Kong family tree. At the top of the tree was Oldy & his wife Doc. They had 4 children; Donkey (Cranky), Silky (Wrinkly), Norman (Quirky), & Myrny. Cranky and Wrinkly had 3 kids; Donkey, Funky, and Ugly. Donkey is currently single. Both Funky and Ugly are single parents (I don't know the name of Funky's Ex-Partner). Ugly's son is Diddy (Diddy is actually Donkey's illegitimate son). Funky's sons are Kiddy & Chunky (Funky denies this because he is a Catholic priest). Quirky & Myrny had 1 daughter; Candy. Candy has 2 daughters; Dixie & Tiny (More of Donkey's doing). Lanky De L'Arbe is a French vagrant who was accepted by the Kongs (did you think you could hide his Au Revoir?). Swanky was a Con-man who was reported dead 3 weeks ago in a skiing accident (Benny & Bjorn cut the lift cord). He had no real relationship to the Kongs.

DemonChild

Ooo. What's worse - damn or hell? Or are neither of them particularly offensive? No, surely it couldn't be that simple. Then what would people complain about? You're right about the crappy picture, but I've come to expect no less. In fact the whole picture submission thing has taken on a strangely postmodern edge, so it's not as disturbing as it once was. Even the in-depth analysis of Kong genealogy is veering towards the ironic, but I have to admit that's still as disturbing as ever. In fact the whole Lanky De L'Arbe tangent made me want to cry.'

• Dear Scribes,

I have made up a new game for you to try, then to laugh at. Try to identify these Rare Games from the music at the very beginning (yes I do have better things to do with my time):

a) Du, de-doo de doo de do dedoo, dedoo dedoo de doo de-de-da-doo, da-doo dada doo, dide dididee dadoo, dede didi de dee di daa doo.

b) (Nnnnnnn... d-dhhh-drr-dhh-dhhhh nnnnnnn... mmmmmmmm... rrrrrrrrrr...) du de de derr, de du di da da derr derr, du di dada, de du di da da DERR, di doo di dada derr, dii da dada derr n - n - n -n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nerr...

c) (De de da derr) k-k-k-k (de de da drr) Dyaa-huh, Doohoohoohoohoohooh DA! Diddliddliddlidllidlliddliddliddlidll-deh dh da deh deh deh da deh de de, Diddliddliddlidllidlliddliddliddlidl- deh d-de da deh dee da deh- de! di- dee dee di da ddlleddleddledlleh - diddliddlid-da de deh de diddliddlid (etc...)

d) Herew-herew-Here we go! So they're finally here, performing for you: if you know the words, you can join in too! Put your hands together if you wanna clap as we take you through this monkey rap, HUH! D-K, Donkey Kong (etc)...

e) D-d-der, de dee-da derr, d-d-der, de dee-da derr, de deh der da de derr da, du di der da... mm-ba du di der da, mm-ba du di der da, mm-ba du di der da, mm-ba du di der da... de de derr, di du da dee, dudi der, didu da dee, didi du-da-der, didi du-da-derr, di derr di, di du derr di.

Paul 'IQ 164' Taylor

PS. Why hasn't Uncle Tusk updated in four months? Is his slow update rate on the website somehow linked to his slow update rate in Killer Instinct Gold?

PPS. Why don't they just call the Dolphin the 'Nintendo Rare'? It might as well be.

PPPS. Oh, sorry, answers! a) is Diddy Kong Racing (N64 1997), b) is Jet Force Gemini (N64 1999), c) is Banjo-Kazooie (N64 1998), d) is (hmmm...) Donkey Kong 64 (N64 1999) and e) is Donkey Kong Country (SNES 1994).

Damn, I thought a) was something by The Police and b) was from a Dutch 'arthouse' film I saw the other day. Never mind, thanks for your 'selfless' 'entertainment' of our 'discerning' 'readers' anyway. PS He has now. Twice. Pay attention, man! It's almost as if you wrote this before... oh. PPPS Because it sounds stupid.'

• Dear guys with the site that makes my eyes feel funny,

I write presenting my opinion on a few 'current events' in Rareland.

1) The removal of the face mapping feature in Perfect Dark: I personally think it'd PREVENT school violence. Think of it, you could take pictures of everyone in your class and then shoot them all in a 'virtual classroom'. It's perfect! The cart is a lot cheaper than an automatic weapon and all the rage is outleted! It's a given in any game with innocents that the player is gonna go out and slaughter everyone at LEAST once (Half-Life, etc), ESPECIALLY if there's a level editor where you can set up all kinds of fun stuff... ;D I mean, you released Blast Corps and no one was worried that some goth kid would swing a giant dumptruck into his school, so what's the big deal?

3) The DK rap: You got some heat from using the word hell. So what? Language is in constant flux. Hell today doesn't necessarily denote a negative connotation. Hell, I use 'sucks' to say something's poor quality, not exactly what my parents think it means ;).

4) Mario Party II: Ok, I bought Mario Party 2, and damn, Donkey Kong looks really stupid. I don't know why, just his face is all... dumb looking. Especially his eyes. He's the most Ass-ified version I've seen thus far.

5) Mr. Pants and Jetpak: Ok, Jetpak kicks ass. The first time I beat it, I just sat there shooting the comets till I beat the score. Then I actually played it and was shocked at how fun it was. I've always stayed away from games with no point/ending/goal, but this one... well... it's excellent. Another thing that people seem to love is Mr. Pants and this Mrs. Pie character. So hell, why not have a crossover success and release a JetPants game in Perfect Dark?

BTW, Please forgive me for my incorrect assumption that Tiny and Chunky were related. I DID read the manual (funny as always) and now see the error in my argument. One last thing, do you guys develop PC games also or strictly console. Just wondering from a game dev's POV. Adding to that, I hope you're more faithful than the sluttish whore SquareSoft who cheated on Nintendo with that ugly PSX guy. Ohh! He has more gaaaames! Pshhh! Slut! ;D Keep up the good work.

X.Mod.2 >> or that monkey post guy...

1. "Because not every house in America has a dump truck in a drawer somewhere," as PD's designer points out. And the cathartic aspect of games is just one of many possible arguments in their favour that people who know nothing about them choose to dismiss out of hand. 2. Adjectives, verbs, compound nouns, similes, you name it, we've done it... 3. It wouldn't surprise me at all if people started claiming that 'sucks' is a filthy swearword and everyone who uses it will go straight to Hell. Oh no! Hell! *starts writing angry letter* 4. What about when he does that freakish taunt/shrug/head dance thing in Smash Bros.? 5. Of course Jetpac (with a 'c', man) is excellent. It's the first game I bought for my Spectrum back in 1983, and along with many others of my generation I have happy memories of the game that can do without being tarnished by the shoddy insertion of a stick man in his pants.'

• Was it just coincidence that Chunky looks like Tommy Cooper?

Mandy Seville

Not so much 'coincidence' as 'hallucination'.'

• Hey dumbbutts,what's the pillar for in dk64.Don't telll^[sic] me anything like its a bugger all or anything like that,oh also,dont just say youl^[sic] give me ans^[sic] accurate response cause response my ass!

DPer728611@aol.com

Wh... what?

• Dear Scribes,

Holy smokes! I didn't create a witty intro, Shame on me. Anyway, several things:

1. I don't blame ya fer takin' out the scanny facey thing in Perfect Dark. I mean, whenever some weirdo gets thoughts of violence they'll use you as a scapegoat. Ain't that stinkagen?

2. Why is the pole in DK64 there? Please, answer truthfully, before I have to spread dumb rumors (i.e. = if you collect every banana and everything and beat the bosses without being hit once then the super Rare platinum banana will come out of there and if you get it then all this cool stuff happens, bla bla.)

3. Conker's Bad Fur Day. What possessed you to take a perfectly good game and turn it into South Park? Aw shucks, I'm sure it'll be great, despite the fact my parents will smash it into tiny pieces.

4. It is a question that has plagued us all: Why do you call him Mr. Pants when he isn't wearing any pants? I know you're going to say "Underwear is pants, ya know, underPANTS." then go on to talk about some British lingo, so I guess you should ignore it.

5. About what percentage of letters get printed? I want to know because if you print this I owe my friend 15 pounds (I even put in pounds, aren't I nice?) Oh yeah, don't you hate 2 pence? I mean, they just flood your pocketbook pretending they're cool or something.

Well, that's about it, see you in Stuffsville.

-The Chocolate Pixie

1. 'Stinkagen'? 2. 'Pole'? Anyway, that rumour happens to be absolutely totally 100% true. True as a big fat true thing. What? You don't believe me? 3. We've already been through this. And that's what parents are there for (unless you're over 18, in which case it's a bit weird). 4. Okay. 5. 'Pocketbook'? Not over here, mate. And the 2p piece is just about the only one that hasn't shrunk over the last few years, so there must be something fundamentally cool about it.'

• Greetings oh wise writer of the Scribe...

In the tradition of writing crap questions so you can reply with witty answers, I hereby submit to you some crap questions. Hope you enjoy them:

1) Conker's Bad Fur Day - this is officially not a joke right? I was expecting you to leap out on April Fools and say something, but nope, you said nowt. In which case, will it actually be a good game (ala Banjo) or a crap game (ala Conker's Pocket Tales) but with more blood and swearing?

2) Banjo Tooie is looking fantastic - but what's with the sudden dark streak all of a sudden? Donkey Kong 64 was extremely gloomy most of the way through, taking place in caves and castles and so forth... it just wasn't as fun as the mostly sunny and cheerful Banjo... (Yes, I am making a pathetic argument about how simulated weather conditions affect gameplay).

3) Why does Chunky look like Tommy Cooper? (No really, that other person was right, he does!)

4) Will Rare be submitting their 3D model of Donkey Kong to future projects by other developers, or will they leave them to their own devices (eg. Mario Party 1 & 2, Smash Bros.)?

5) Okay - give it to us straight - will the Dolphin be better than PSX 2 and Dreamcast? No release info, nothing like that, but is it easy to program for, therefore attracting a large number of developers (like the N64 repelled). It would be nice.

And in the infamous words of Chunky Kong "Spoonjarjarspoonjar!"

---Fryguy---

PS. You should market Mr Pants like wildfire. Do you not realise the money-making potential of a stick man and his pants? However, I would imagine you'd mentally scar a generation for life. We're talking bigger than Poké^[sic]mon here...

1) Not a joke, no. And you're asking us to say whether one of our own games is going to be good or crap? Is this some kind of freakish PR test? Let's just say the death sequence alone raises more than a few sniggers... 2) Eh? Maybe those last four screenshots were a bit gloomy, but what do you expect when one's set underwater and another two inside a factory? 3) You're both mental. 4) Dunno. Depends whether they ask, I suppose. 5) Personally I have no idea, and going round questioning people who might know would probably get me beaten to death with NDAs (stuck to big wooden clubs). A fine set of useful and informative answers there, I thought.'

• Dear things don't sell well, Mr Editor thingy.

I know that K. Rool is the evil bloke in DK and he's obviously not got a shred of humanity in him (and why should he? He's not human) but did we really need that profanity from him? When he turns up at the end he's supposedly saying thank you. I am not convinced. It seems someone has slipped in a certain four letter word instead of thank and made the sample ambiguous enough (under the pretence of reptilian speech) to slip past the censors. Now is this addressed at the Kongs or did the person who voiced K. Rool just have a bad day?

I am now about to blaspheme. I do not think Jet Force Gemini is perfect (cowers in corner away from expected attacks from JFG zealots). Frankly when I beat Mizar at that point, I was mightily miffed when King Jeff turned up and gave me the bad news. Why couldn't I just slay the bloke right there and nick the ship part off him? I couldn't be arsed to go back and trawl through saving little rectangularly headed bears. Which is why at the moment it lays uncompleted. I will generate the strength soon enough to go back but couldn't Jeff have told Juno at the beginning oh by the way make sure you rescue those little fellas or you'll be mightily peeved in a while.

Is there any chance of using Scribes as a forum to induce a change in society from base 10 to base 2. I tried to explain to my maths teacher years ago how it would be natural if we were taught it from an early age and the obvious advantages in being able to count up to 1023 on our fingers. Alas he was too foresighted to recognise the true potential of this revolutionary idea.

Disturbingly I'm starting to feel the urge to do a mock up cover for Mr Pants 64. Now if someone as relatively sane as me (note the use of relatively) is tending towards this then it'll only be a short while before you get a manual for said game in the post, complete with warranty card. Then you'll have no choice but to make it...

J. Edwards

Here we go, pots-in-Mad-Monster-Mansion-graveyard syndrome again. Even if we were tempted to try and slip the odd bit of random swearing into our games (come on, we're only human - and British), with so many people involved in the testing and approval processes it wouldn't stand a chance of going unnoticed. So I can assure you that in the world of Rare 3D platforming, only Conker's BFD involves general sweariness (no, we still don't count 'hell'), and most of that's bleeped out anyway... It would have been pointless for Jeff to ramble on about getting all the Tribals on your way to Mizar's Palace because you just can't do it first time - several of them are tucked away in places that only a specific character can reach, and not necessarily the one who visits the level first. Now stop being so mean and go rescue the little fluffy tinkers. A manual for Mr. Pants 64? Don't give them ideas.'

• Hello Rareman,

Does there happen to be a code or secret in Diddy Kong Racing to use James Bond as a racing character. My friend told me about it and I didn't believe him. But when I went to his house he wasn't lying. I asked him to tell me how he got it but he wouldn't tell. Hell of a friend, huh? I was wondering if you could clear that up for me.

Your adoring fan,

James Clavin

So you're asking us whether or not this code exists, even though you've just seen it up and running? Sort of weakens your story a bit. Did Bond happen to be driving around in the nude as well? Now that'd be good - two cheats in one, you see. Fantastic.'

• Hi-diddly-ho, Scriberinos!

Yes, DemonChild is right, Lanky is French, but only half French. You see, it all started way back when in one of those nameless wars that the Americans started. Jaques L'arbe was on a war tour in Spain and was kind of a... well, "ladies' man". One night, after getting tanked up with an old war buddy, Tanktup, Jaques was randy as a mink and went out to a night club, where he met Juanita Sanchez. One thing led to another and Jaques and Juanita started a beautiful relationship. When the war was over, Jaques and Juanita got married after giving birth to young Lanky L'arbe. Lanky was raised learning both French, Spanish, and English, which makes him a tri-langual^[sic] Kong. Lanky shows his Spanish heritage by his jumping cry, unlike DemonChild misunderstood, when Lanky jumps, he is not saying "Au revoir", but in fact "Agua", Spanish for water, which makes sense, since Lanky is the best swimmer of all the Kongs.

Here is photographic proof of Lanky's parents, Jaques and Juanita.

Now here's a 100% true story that'll creep the arsenoodles off ya. When I first came to Rareware.net and saw Mr. Pants, I was dumbfounded, because when I was very, very young, I had made what I thought was the best cartoon character of all time... HatMan. HatMan's not a super hero or anything, he just wears a hat and has a striking resemblance to Mr. Pants!

Here's a pic of what HatMan looked like. (Done on Microsoft Paint, for alas, my poor, poor computer is scanner-less.)

Well, see you.

Matt Stefaniuk, Sadistic Monkey Extraordinaire

Why are you doing this to me? Still, thank heaven for small mercies - your picture of Jaques got horribly corrupted somewhere along the line so I only had to suffer Juanita and bloody HatMan. No no, it's fine, I can live without it. No, really, I insist. I insist quite violently.'

• Scribes,

What can I say. Lots of assorted things... ahh crap. I'll start off by firmly shoving my nose up your netheregions. You guys 0wn. I've bought -almost- every game you've produced for the N64 at least and they're all brilliant with GoldenEye obviously standing out a mile. Something I'd just like to get off my chest and my only gripe with the game... there's no clipping on explosions. Normally a thick reinforced concrete wall would hinder the impact of an explosion against one's body... though somehow those darned flames manage to penetrate and permeate through even the thickest of walls. I don't want nor need an explanation, I just thought I'd point it out. The real reason for my writing was to provide this cover art (see attached) which might inspire you to release the future game... MR PANTS. Retrieving the 300 ant heads in JFG enables the Ants as Pants mode which gives endless amusement (yes I'm probably that disturbed but then again, he's your smegging character) as I blast away at the unnecessarily large red y-fronts. I think it'd be a step in the right direction to provide your public with a brand spanking (who knows what old Pantsy gets up to in his spare time... who wants to know) new game... perhaps a racing one a la Diddy Kong Racing.

That's pretty much all I've got to ramble on about. Thanks for your time. (Provided you took the time to read this... in which case you didn't... bollocks to ya.)

Cheers,

Psaph

Charming. I wonder how many people would buy DKR: Pants Edition if we just shovelled a few Mr. Pants sprites in there with five or six variations in pant colour? Probably not many, but it's a nice thought. Oh, and if you're not interested in any kind of excuse for the explosion-clipping business, I won't even bother trying to think of one. Cheers.'

It's about time you stopped holding out on us and just gave us a straight answer: who'd win in a fight between Wrinkly Kong, Martin Short and Cait Sith from FF7?

The Ponderer

Erm, Wrinkly being dead would probably work against her.

• Dear Scribes,

I must say, I am rather astounded by one, how far into development Dinosaur Planet is, and two, that it actually exists. So, in light of all this new information and such, I decided to scribble down a few questions to spout forth. So, here we go.

1. All signs point to the Tricky dinosaur being the one from Diddy Kong Racing's Dino Domain. So, I must ask, is it?

2. If the answer to the last question was either a definitive "yes", a vague "yes", or a "no comment"-type answer, then will Dinosaur Planet hold the answers to all this "To Be Continued" business in Diddy Kong Racing?

3. The MP3's are excellent. I love the jungle-esque sounds of the theme, and the African chanting in Ice Mountain and Discovery Falls. Who is the composer for Dinosaur Planet? I'm guessing David Wise. Now, how far off am I?

Right then. Answers from Dino Planet's Man In The Know are called for, I think. "1. In a way... No. When the game started development he was the same dinosaur, but as it has now changed completely from the original design we've kept his name but essentially he's a different dinosaur. 2. Dinosaur Planet has no links whatsoever to Diddy Kong Racing. The 'To Be Continued' may be answered sometime in the future. 3. You are exactly right, Mr. David Wise composed all the music for Dinosaur Planet. If everyone mails in (Oh no. - Ed) and asks for more then I'm sure Mr. Wise would be kind enough to let us put some new tracks on the site."

• Cheerio-eeyo! RareMasta Loveday da homie's in da house! Or something.

So, you had to put up with Juanita and "Bloody HatMan", eh? So, you lost Jaques, eh? So, you don't like my home cooking, eh? Well you can all just TAKE my arsepiggies and drench them in the juice of your own COLON! Yer. Well, nevermind that. After you wanting to see Jaques so much, I didn't want to break your little heart, so here he is. (Ha ha. It didn't work again. - Ed)

I've got an idea! You'll be rich! You'll be cherished by children! You'll probably be sued! Pants'emon! Just imagine it! Cutesy little stick figure monsters that you need to catch in red briefs! The merchandising! The glory! Next up, "Tickle Me Leigh"! No, wait a minute, that would most likely scare all the children. And as for rubbish picture attachments, using Microsoft Paint and some of my pet capybara's faeces, I have made a fancy big picture of Lanky, and a picture of Diddy after he found out he was booted from being controllable in DKC3. (Aaah! this stupid American program tells me it's spelled "Feces", not "Faeces"! Stupid American version.)

Now with the irrelevant yet intriguing questions!

1. Why does the new picture of Mumbo Jumbo leaning on his mojo stick look so... cute and child-friendly for a Voodoo-practicing, skull-headed, possibly decomposing-at-the-face houngan?

2. If Gruntilda's so almighty and magical, why doesn't she just lift the rock with her telekinetic powers?

3. What's your favourite? (Argh! Now it's screwing around with "Favourite"!) Mr. Bean, or The Baldy Man?

4. Beano or Dandy?

6. Why the heck would Diddy need a potion to ride a jetpack? Cranky's giving out placebos I tell ya! Placebos! It's just Kool-Aid!

7. I understand why you call it Dinosaur Planet, but why are you a bunch of kitties in the game?

Well, that's about all, see you.

Matt Stefaniuk, Sadistic Monkey Extraordinaire

Your rate of picture attachment success is actually going down rather than up, I'm relieved to say. Only one of the little 'beauties' came through this time - and let me assure you that we're all too happy to live without the rest. You've been beaten to the Pantsemon idea, too (see letter above)... and the scariest thing about it is that it ever occurred more than one person. 1. He's a thoroughly decent chap really, and his caring, sharing nature shines through the potential grimness of his physical demeanour. Besides, the artist is a big wuss who'd make maggoty corpses look fluffy and adorable. 2. Because she's a bit dead. 3. You call that a choice? Give me one of those unintentionally hilarious B-list American sitcoms like The Powers That Be any day. 4. Erm... Whizzer & Chips. 5. No matter how many times I confront DK64 team members with this question, they always look bewildered and claim that no such thing ever happens. 6. Look, now you've ruined the whole British feel with a single throwaway mention of 'Kool-Aid'. You should have stuck with Dandelion and Burdock, man. Dandelion and Burdock rULezZZ!!!1!# 7. The official answer? "I don't want to spoil the story for you but the characters Sabre and Krystal come from a different planet in an attempt to save Dinosaur Planet. The backgrounds to all the main characters will shortly be revealed on this very same website!"

• Hello England,

here's a short message from me, Remko Ruskus. I live in Holland and i came all this way to ask you one simple question: Were can i find the extra level in DK64? I mean the one Crunky^[sic] mentioned(?) in the instruction-guide. He said that it is deleted but must be found somewhere. Can you give me a clou?^[sic]

Greetings

rjc.ruskus@wanadoo.nl

Before anyone accuses me of printing this letter just to make fun of the inventive spelling, let me point out that I actually printed it because Remko Ruskus is one of the best names I've ever heard. Hey, Remko - do you know Ken Brilliant? Oh yeah, the DK64 thing. Would that be the Great Girder Grapple? Nothing more than a Funny Joke in the manual, I'm afraid.'

• Dear Scribes,

A few questions about your newest announcement in easy-to-understand Roman Numeral format. Uh, you do have Romans in Twycross, don't you?

I) So... how are you?

II) Exactly what kind of format are we looking at for this game? Is it going to be platform like Mario? More shooter, like JFG? Will it have some trace RPG elements, like Zelda? Readers want to know, hon.

III) What gave you guys the idea to use cat-type-persons? Meow?

IV) C'mon, now. Is this the same Tricky the Triceratops from DKR? I wouldn't ask, except I just did...

V) Fun for all ages, eh? It's not going to be... cute... is it? Not that I care, really... I really think some "cute" game makers patronize kids, though, you guys included. You make games that try to be cool. Don't try to be cool, man. Just be real. Keep it real... Of course, that's just my opinion, and you guys value my opinion. Or, at least, that's what that magic phone voice says. Okay, so maybe I do care. That's only because I love you guys. *sniff*

Yer me besht mate... *hic*

Scott Zdankiewicz (deceased)

PS Aaaaaagggggghhhh!!! Everyone loves a good Monty Python joke, eh?

I. To tell you the truth, mate, my throat's sore, I haven't had enough sleep and basically I couldn't half do with... oh, right, you were just being polite. II. Quick quote from the DP main man: "It has all the elements you mentioned (and more)." III. Been here before... IV. ...and here.'

• Dear intelligent imbeciles,

Let's see... How can I get this letter printed? I have to do something to get Mr. Editor Person's attention. Oh, I know!!! FALCON PUNCH!!! Pick up your teeth and listen.

You probably consider this a dead subject, but I have some comments about Conker's BFD. I'm not going to try to convince you that it was wrong to make it rated "M", but don't you think doing that is just a teeny, weeny, beeny, er, meeny bit unfair to the gamers who have been waiting for Twelve Tales since approximately the seventh day of Creation? Okay, maybe it wasn't quite that long, but it was several years. Perfect Dark fans, how would you have felt if, several months before Perfect Dark was to come out, Rareware announced that they were making some radical changes to the game. It would be rated "EC", and would be called Joanna Dark Learns Her ABC's. Yeah, well, that's about how I feel.

-Escort84

P.S.- Dinosaur Planet looks great. If it gets an "M" rating, I shall be forced to beat the stuffing out of Donkey Kong with the Home Run Bat.

P.P.S.- Oh NO!!! This entire letter actually makes sense! I must DO something! SADGIJWHGIEWQUO!!! Ican racee with Jamse bBond In DKRR!! Will u give me every game everr mader? Iewrkjler??? BBBBBBB!!!! Look I can stand on myhead! U put kidDy kogn In donosuar planett? There.

But the Falcon Punch is crap. It's far too slow. You should concentrate on really annoying people by repeatedly nailing them with the mid-air throw, then... hang on, I've fallen for your sinister trap! Curse you. The main flaw in your PD/Conker analogy lies with the fact that there are already plenty of traditional 3D adventures available and upcoming for the N64 (many of them ours), while the choice for Mature gamers and hardcore shooter fans is significantly smaller. Therefore changing one of the hundreds of available family-friendly games into a product for the Mature audience is much more of a fair deal than vice versa. You've still got Banjo-Tooie and Dinosaur Planet coming from us to look forward to: if it had been PD that we'd changed, where would that have left all the GoldenEye fans? Let's have some last words from the Conker team: "Why is it a dead subject? Anyway, if you don't like what the team's doing with the product don't buy it. It's that simple... Why do people like you feel the need to complain all the time? If you've got nothing constructive to say, say nothing! Good day."

• Dear Scribes,

I don't see why Donkey Kong loves his golden bananas so much. If they're golden they can't be eaten and all he does with them is put them in a cave and leaves them there. And while I was swimming in Gloomy Galleon, I swam into a ship and saw a bunch of pictures of Kaptain K.Rool. And another thing. Why does everyone think Tiny is so great? I don't think Tiny is so great! I like Chunky! Can you see Tiny smashing an iron gate down with a single punch? And if K.Rool wants DK island so much, why doesn't he swim to the island, take out a hand cannon, and force the Kong family out?

Randy Fidler

I think 'Remko Ruskus' has just been outclassed. As for your points: cold, hard logic doesn't necessarily lead to entertaining gameplay, does it, eh?

• Mr Pants, Donkey Kong, Cranky Kong, Eyedol and James Bond all naked on an island bare-knuckle fighting. Only one will come out alive. Sound good to you? I think it should be your next game.

MaNtsys@aol.com

Mr. Pants in any fighting game just doesn't bear thinking about.

• Well, after days of Deep Thought I came up with two likely greetings:

Good day, Leaky - which would refer to Leigh/Leaky from B-K, gettit, or Dear Rear, which would cleverly sound like Rare but have the meaning of the beloved a-word. Both were so good, I couldn't decide, so sorry, I don't actually have an opening to my letter.

All right then, for my actual request/polite wish. Do you have any more pictures of that most excellent of all DK-monkeys, Chunky? You see, I've got an N64 web-site up, just so you know the URL is <http://www.geocities.com/shigerufan> and I'd love to have more pictures of Chunky as he is the best thing to ever hit my TV-screen. All the monkeys were good, but you obviously saved the best for last, for joy was complete when I saw that bulky, hairy monkey-man. I never let anyone else be Chunky in multiplayer. Chunky rocks. I love Chunky. I'm changing my surname to Chunky. I watch the brain-melting rap just to see Chunky. Etc ad nauseum. But I've only found two, pathetic, small pictures of Chunky on this site and the official one and I want a big, huge, natural size one! Well, almost, anyway. So please, kind Rare-man, who probably is very good-looking and brave and gets tons of girls, and is not at all the Cranky-like b*stard you pretend to be, consider my wish. Would bring happiness into my life, you know.

Just a Hunky Chunky burnin' love,

Linca

Sod your happiness, I'm just in it for the flattery. Just click on that little Chunky pic up there for the Hunky Chunky version - how does that grab you? Big, brash and butch as you like. Glad to be of service, squire.'

• Dear Scribes,

"Walnuts, peanuts, pineapple smells. Grapes, melons, oranges and coconut shells Wah yeah!"

What is striking here? Exactly, all the eatables, mentioned in the 'fridge' (bridge) of the DK Rap are actually _in_ the game. Except... the walnuts!

Furthermore, the ammunition of all the Kongs - Donkey's coconuts, Diddy's peanuts, Lanky's grapes and Chunky's pineapples - are alle^[sic] mentioned in the 'fridge'. Except... Tiny's feathers!

From all this, only one conclusion can be drawn: THERE IS A BETA VERSION OF DONKEY KONG 64!! In this Beta version, Tiny used walnuts for ammunition. Since I'm such a big Rare fan, I think you should send me a copy of this Beta version! Awww, come on! Please!

Kind regards,

Caspar van der Heiden

PS Could you please explain what the "Jimmy Saville-joke" at the end of JFG is? For the readers who aren't British or haven't ever heard of Jimmy Saville for another reason?

You can laugh, but all around the world there'll be young kids and thick people shrieking at their parents and/or bank managers because the words "BETA VERSION OF DONKEY KONG 64!!" caught their eye and they didn't feel the need to get this in any sort of context before launching into a full-on monkeyed-up frenzy. PS Jim'll Fix It is a great British TV institution where professional old man Sir Jimmy Saville makes the wishes of impressionable youngsters come true, and after he's done so he forces them to wear one of his cheap and nasty Jim'll Fix It medals as punishment. He also goes "Uhuhuhuhuh", or at least people doing impressions of him do. There you go - clear as mud.'

• Dear Scribes,

This is my first time writing to a website. I have a few things to say and questions to ask:

I. Conker's BFD. I understand by now why you made the decision to star friendly Conker in such a genre game. You have defended your case very well. Yet, I have my concerns. Will the "old" Conker I know and remember from Conker's Pocket Tales and Diddy Kong Racing ever return? What about Berri? I have two younger relatives who love and admire Berri. I'm sure that there will be others who miss her as well. Please confort^[sic] all of us by telling that she will be back as her old self. Finally, if you recall the days of Twelve Tales, a mysterious green owl named Knowit was supposed to make a shining debut. He was cute, and I loved him. Will we ever see him in a Rare game again?

II. DK Game Boy Color. I'd just like to state that it looks like a million bucks, maybe even better. Thank you for your time, and good day.

Lemoniefresh@aol.com

Okay, time to clear up this little discrepancy between Conker's starring vehicles once and for all. Let's get the team in on this: "Conker is just playing a role. In DKR and CPT he was cute, cute and cute. Not wanting to be typecast (like most great actors), he's decided to explore this new and more demanding role. Anyway, contrary to popular belief Conker isn't the bad guy in the game and he certainly never swears, just everyone else does! The Conker from those early products was a younger, more naive character and like most real people he's grown up a bit, and with that comes a more cynical and materialistic demeanour. This also applies to Beri, who is still Conker's other half and has certainly grown up a lot since her TT days, as you'll find out." And there you have it.'

• Hello chaps!

So here goes some completely retarded questions. Please answer them with equal retardedness:

2. In Banjo Tooie, will the Jinjos be playable characters?

4. And finally, why are there so many homosexual themes in Rare games? (Lanky slapping his ass invitingly to the gamer; so many of the Kong family members always failing to wear garments designed for the lower regions of the human anatomy; Kazooie all too frequently willing t