The 'Shroom:Issue 219/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Wahaha! I see you've found my EVIL lair! Well, you might as well come in, just be careful to avoid my cleverly devised traps. And no Fire Flowers! That'll blow the both of us sky-high!
As you can see, I'm deviously hoarding an abundance of 'Shroom sections! As a matter of fact, it's the most sections Fake News has ever had outside of Issue 200! In addition to all of our standards, Legend 8 is starting a bi-monthly section called Pyro Invents Stuff (can you guess what it's about?), and we're absolutely swimming in guest sections! We've got three News Flushes from Technetium (talk), TheBlueCatMenace, and myself, two Police Blotters from Shoey (talk) and ClawgripFan9001 (who is also gracing us with a dive into Tatanga's history in Close Encounters of the Shroom Kind), a Shop Scout from Sparks (talk), a brief reappearance of Overlook Mountain Auction House Presents, and making his 'Shroom debut, Koopa (talk) sees if the Koopa Troopas are really that bad in Investigative Research! Oh, and some Hammer Bro. left me something about how much he hates The 'Shroom? Joke's on him, it's more content for us! Plus, Boo1268 is tagging along in this month's edition of Dry Dry Data! That's a lot to unpack, so it's a good thing villains love to hear themselves talk!
Of course, what's an evil mastermind without minions? If you'd like to join the Fake News team, we're always happy to take new additions - just stop by our sign up page to find everything you need to get started! Or if you don't want to commit to a regular section, you can send a one-off directly to me with no application necessary! Police Blotter? News Flush? Shop Scout? Something else entirely? The choice is yours!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find a rich heiress and some railroad tracks, so I'll leave you to read these sections. Enjoy them... EVILLY! (And don't forget to vote in the Community Awards!)
Section of the Month
Congratulations to TheBlueCatMenace and ClawgripFan9001 for taking first place with their collab in The Sunshine Travel Guide, covering their rediscovery of the Lost Mangroves, and thank you for voting Dear Waluigi Time into a shared first as well! Boo1268 comes in right behind them with the history of magic in the Mushroom Kingdom and the influence of the Magikoopas in The Spectral Lens. Please be sure to keep supporting our writers and their work, every vote counts!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 9 | 17.31% | TheBlueCatMenace & ClawgripFan9001 |
| 1st | Dear Waluigi Time | 9 | 17.31% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
| 3rd | The Spectral Lens | 8 | 15.38% | Boo1268 |
Written by: Red Ninjakoopa (talk)
(The following ad was rejected from the classifieds section for being too long; the clients simply couldn’t afford the lofty price tag with the legal fees they are facing. Perhaps they should’ve asked for a lawyer instead. Regardless, Technetium decided to publish their submission here for your entertainment. All she asks in return is that you don’t help these idiots out.)
Yo! Red Ninjakoopa here, leader of the Nice Good Great Wonderful Excellent Koopa Bros.! Well, we’re the Koopa Rangers now actually. And that makes me Koopa Red… It’s honestly not as cool… But what can we do here? We got SUED!
These Mutant Ninja Sentai Nokonokoman guys showed up one day and claimed we committed copyright infringement on them! They said they came up with the whole team of four ninja turtles concept first and that we had to rebrand or disband. Of course we weren’t having that, so we decided to duke it out instead! But Green Ninjakoopa just had to get off balance and topple our tower…that wasn’t cool. And then we had to move to the Toad Town Tunnels…
Anyway! It was then that I came up with the brilliant and super cool idea of welcoming a new member to the team: Kylie Koopa! Can’t be Koopa Bros. with a girl on the team. So we’re the Koopa Rangers now. Issue solved! And Kylie even told us she didn’t join to get "the big scoop for a juicy article or anythin'."
But the addition of Koopa Pink just brought more trouble, because we somehow got another copyright infringement accusation? From these so-called Axem Rangers?! Same story there, now we have to rebrand again…
Then, an idea struck me while watching this TV show. We just have to change our color scheme to not match them, right? Because Kylie’s “magenta” shell is still pink, yeah? But the team on this show had all our colors, except that they had a blue guy instead of green. Honestly, green is such an uncool color. Like, every other Koopa has a green shell. Get some originality! Soooo I fired Green Ninjakoopa. I mean Koopa Green. Whatever!
That’s where YOU come in. Are you a Koopa? Do you have a blue shell? Oh yeah! Join the Koopa Rangers, and you’ll be the coolest of cool! As long as your name isn’t Kooper. If you’re reading this Kooper, we still haven’t forgiven you and we never will!
But we’re getting kinda desperate here. There’s just no cool options! All we’ve found are a guy who smells bad, a guy who’s dead, and a guy who claims to have a “Blue Shell” when it’s actually a Spiny Shell (blue).
And don’t even think about just buying a blue shell. No, you gotta buy Fuzzies and steal that rat Kooper’s shell for yourself!
Anyway please join we have pizza.
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: MightyMario, Boo1268, and Flygon64
Dear Waluigi Time
A few days ago, King Bowser commanded me- er, asked me kindly to investigate the appearance of Mario in the Koopa Kingdom. Naturally, I used my wand to rewind time, and to my surprise, there were no sight of Mario or his green sibling anywhere on our grounds. However, I later discovered garlic and yellow fibers around the castle. There's been an unbearable stench that yours truly keeps getting blamed for, and there's been weird noises and grunts echoing in the halls. Am I going crazy or is there someone hiding within our castle walls that could be confused for our sworn enemy, I mean uh, neutral acquaintance?
-Kamek
The symptoms are telltale. It sounds like you have an infestation of the common wah, a bizarre creature with an uncanny albeit warped resemblance to the famed Mario. Luckily, there's an easy way to deal with this issue!
You see, the common wah loves treasures of all kinds, and is likely searching the castle for goodies as we speak. That makes it easy to trap one, but as we all know, treasure lying out in the open is very suspicious! You'll need to put in some extra legwork to pull it off, so I'm thinking it's time for some renovation. Expand the castle with a convoluted maze, scattering treasures in various places farther inside. You may also need to put some items of lower value closer to the maze entrance, something good enough to entice the common wah to explore further, but not so good that it's suspicious. Once you're sure the issue is contained to the maze, simply wall it off from the rest of the castle and ignore it! What could be easier?
Dear Waluigi Time, I have made SEVERAL attempts to steal the Blue Diamond, first with robotic pants and now with robot gnomes. Trust me, it's more interesting than it sounds. But no matter what I do, that inventor and his STUPID DOG always get in my way. Now I'm on the run from the law, and I still don't have my diamond OR MY REVENGE! What do you suppose I do? -From Feathers McGraw
Sounds like you've fallen for the common villain trap of constant variations of evil schemes for the same goal. Kind of like a certain turtle who keeps trying to kidnap a certain princess and inevitably gets trounced by the same certain plumber every single time! Basically what I'm saying is, switch it up. This whole "Blue Diamond" business sounds like it's not working out for you. Oh, and maybe give up on the revenge thing too? I know, I know, it's not easy to let go of whoever ruined your scheme that one time - or one hundred times - but it's better not to get your arch-nemesis who constantly thwarts you involved if you can help it, you know? Please refer back to the turtle example.
By the way, did you know that there are plenty of other places where you can get diamonds? Some of them don't even require stealing! Sure, it's not particularly villainous to acquire them fair and square, but who wants the authorities on their tail anyway? That's just annoying. Plus it makes it easier to sell them afterward if you're just after buckets of cash. There's plenty of diamonds (and other valuables!) hiding underground if you yearn for the mines, as the kids say these days. Maybe putting that much sweat into it doesn't appeal to you, but if you really think about it, it sounds like you're already putting a lot of sweat into it and ending up worse off, so what have you got to lose?
Deer Waluigi Time,
Stop staring at my headlights, I have serious business that needs to be dealt with and you're blocking the road. I'm carbon footprintmaxxing and you fantastical fauna of Gaia keep cramping my laissez faire cartoon villainy aesthetic, bro. Mr. Incompetens Negotiumidae, if you're gonna just be a nuisance, could you, like, pollute your own ecosystem for me? That would specifically only serve to make me feel good, which is the raison d'etre of all life. Displease and damn you!
P.S. I have attached subliminal factory smog to this note, you will experience the sensation of your lungs being filled with smoke with the destructive force of an irreverent oil tycoon's business decisions.
--Immorally, unethically, Robotnik.
You know pollution is like, one of the worst villainous plans you can have, right? What's the point of conquering a populace if you're just going to make them sick and can't force them to do whatever you feel like or at least just have fun ruling with an iron fist? Plus, you have to live in it! Sure, maybe your evil lair has nice filtered air, but you gotta leave to buy groceries at some point. Really, the only way you make it out on top of this is if you're selling canned air to the populace, but there's got to be better evil ways to make money.
Have you considered an alternative form of dystopian domination? One that I like is enforcing silly and humiliating dress codes on the poor saps unlucky enough to be under your thumb. Everyone is forced to wear ridiculous hats? Sure. Mismatched socks? Why not. Animal-themed neckties? Absolutely! Obviously, don't do this to your own minions, because it'll just make you look dumb. You want your enforcers to look cool next to the 20-year old guy on the subway wearing a comically long fake beard. That's what I would do if I took over the world, anyway. Not that I've thought a lot about it...
(And joke's on you, I've built up an immunity to industrial fumes! I almost never get hallucinations from them anymore!)
Looks like I have more business than I can handle! Questions are temporarily restricted to first-time submitters only while I work through the backlog. If you've never sent in a question before and have one that you'd like answered, stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page!
Written by: Boo1268
The Dark History of the Dark Star
Hello, readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. Summer is finally here, my friends! And apparently that means BAD GUYS! Big bads, small bads, and medium bads aplenty! Maybe even some minor annoyances here and there. Even still, villains have taken over The ‘Shroom this month and want their fair share of the action! As such, I figured it would be fitting to recall a topic I teased back during issue 213 regarding the history and ruthless conquest of a certain Dark Star. So now I reckoned would be the best time to go into the sinister history behind said Dark Star and the shadow of terror it inflicted upon Star Haven many years ago. So with that out of the way, let us begin, shall we?
Our story begins not too long after issue 213 as my curiosity regarding the battle that took place between the Dark Star and the Star Spirits (mainly Mastar) began to fester. However, other topics seemingly got in the way, alongside the fact I was on an adventure where I was transported to a mystical world with seemingly no way back for what felt like a month. So suffice to say, I had gotten a fair bit distracted and had my mind on other things at the time. But now, I had the perfect opportunity to come back to this topic and finally have a chance to cover it. And so, with that in mind, after lots of research and a few interviews, I had gotten at least a somewhat full picture of the Dark Star’s history, so here's what I found.
In regards to the Dark Star’s creation, not much is known about it. I tried my best to examine pages upon pages of history regarding the Dark Star’s background, but only found information sourcing back to when the star was first discovered! But I kept searching, however in the end I only ended up with more questions than answers, since upon further investigation I discovered that the Dark Star was apparently not the only Dark Star that exists! Some legends say that there was a foe just as powerful known only to ancient warriors as Dark Star X, however even information on this supposed “member” to the Dark Star is EXTREMELY inconsistent! Some recounts claim it to appear red with blue eyes, while others claim it to be golden yellow with PINK eyes! And while I normally could sort through the tall tales to find truth in the stories and then use said info to my advantage, in regards to my current mystery, in this case since the stories were SO inconsistent I couldn't find any info I could ACTUALLY USE! So in the end, ALL THIS RESEARCH WAS FOR NOTHING! After calming down for a bit, I pushed the tall tales aside and decided to get back on track focusing on the Dark Star’s history, and since I couldn't find anything in regards to its creation I decided to start with its first recounted origins.
Many years ago, a legend had foretold that an ancient star that was brimming with ancient power was located deep underneath the earth. Some years later, the once-new Mushroom Kingdom had built its land upon that very spot where the star laid, hoping to discover this ancient star lost to time. A young archeologist, known today as Professor Toadscavation the 2nd or Professor Toad for short, unveiled the ancient star alongside his fellow archeologists. The Toads hoped that this ancient star would be a newfound source of good for the kingdom and bring prosperity for ages to come! However, this would not come to pass, as the star that they unearthed would come to bring nothing but chaos upon the land. Terrorising all it came near, corrupting the land and all that it touched, this entity, described as seemingly being born from the negativity, darkness, and hatred of the world, would come to be known by one name, and that name was the Dark Star. This evil entity was described as being able to single-handedly DESTROY the Mushroom Kingdom in one fell swoop. After its release, many citizens of the kingdom were soon feeling terror at the sight of this dark demon, with its terrible Cosmic Clones attacking whoever they were copied after. Its Dark Satellmites were sent out to fight the would-be-heroes of the land, the weaker beings giving them hope they could triumph. But upon a hero defeating a Satellmite, the Satellmite would explode, taking the hero with it and depriving the desperate peoples of their hope through its dirty tactics. Overall, the kingdom was in a state of panic and fear at the sight of the Dark Star, but destroying the Mushroom Kingdom seemingly wasn’t enough for it, for soon after departing from the mangled remains of the Mushroom Kingdom, it took to the Stars with a vendetta on its mind.
Sad Fact: Similar to how normal Stars take power from positive emotions, Ztars take power from negative emotions such as anger, hate, and misery.
Quickly then after, the Dark Star attempted to take over all of the Star Haven by corrupting young Stars with its hatred and malice and turning them into his own personal minions, the Ztars.The Dark Star, now with its own army, had taken full control over the mystical haven, with only Mastar barely being able to escape the Dark Star’s grasp. However, he was very wounded from the battle they had and it would take some time for him to recover. Meanwhile, Mastar’s son Eldstar had taken it upon himself to form a small resistance against the Dark Star, with multiple battles that took place between the “Resistars” and the “Dark Army”. The Resistars were a small resistance made up of a congregation of Stars working together to fight off against the Dark Star’s Dark Army. These members consisted of several Stars, but some of the more notable ones were the Soda Star with his ability to cure all aliments mainly petrification, which was common among the Ztars’ powers; the Bean Star with its mystical power alongside its easy to set off temper making it an invaluable member of the team strength-wise; Sutakichi with his impressive ability to create power-ups that would be able to aid them in battle; and finally, a young Eldstar who lead the charge to protect not only the last of the Star Children, but the mother of all Stars herself. The battle between the two factions would last weeks upon weeks at a time, until finally the day came when a strange little Shaman girl would save the day by uniting all the members of her small town to give Mastar the power to take back his home (but you already know that story). However, I never truly knew how that fight went down, so thankfully I was honored to have the chance to interview Eldstar, leader of the Star Spirits HIMSELF, to recount the harsh battle and how it almost ended with the Resistars’ elimination.
Soon after all my research, I found myself craving for more info in regards to this mystical battle that took place between the two factions. Some time later, I was able to set up an interview with Eldstar himself! (Even now, I still don't know how I managed that. I guess that my wish for an interview came true!) Then I spoke to Eldstar about this event in history, and he recounted the following:
“It had been several weeks since the first attack upon the Haven. The Star Rod was lost to that foul fiend and the road was blocked off to all that could have entered. We held up operations at the Comet Observatory, but at that point we had already lost so many resistance members to the darkness. Even the best of us were not spared from its corruption. However, we kept pursuing onward as we kept out hope that we would be saved. Suddenly, the Dark Star launched a full scale assault towards the observatory! We were completely taken by surprise as the army overwhelmed us! I tried my best to fight back, firing mini star blasts and wish beams at the oncoming Ztars! However, they replied with their own fury of mini Ztars being launched right back at me! I ducked for cover. Soda Star and Skolar were next to me also, shielding themselves from the barrage of mini Ztars coming our way. Then when the moment was right, I made my move. Skolar rained down stars upon them, severely damaging them as I moved forward to continue my attack. Skolar continued to cover me until eventually he was hit by one of the Ztar’s petrification spells! Just then, when it seemed things couldn't get any worse, the Dark Star itself arrived without even breaking a sweat. The star single-handedly defeated all of us, even managing to temporarily take me down. After taking care of us, the star planned on corrupting the star mother, and all of us by proxy. As the being slowly made its way towards the library, at that moment I believed all was lost…Then in a barrage of brilliant flashing light, my father suddenly arrived! Seemingly powered by a multitude of wishes, he sent out a humongous wave of light that went out in ALL directions! Suddenly before my very eyes, all the Ztars that had been attacking us began to turn back to normal, all of my friends and family restored to their former glory. At that moment, the Dark Star knew it was outmatched, and with the few remaining members it had left, fled for the time being. At that moment, I knew that we had won the battle, but not yet the war.”
Some time after this great battle, the Haven began to recover from the tragedy that befell them. But the battle between the Star Spirits and the Dark Star was far from over, as it would only be a matter of time before the Dark Star would attack again. Thankfully, Mastar had a plan, and it involved his newfound friend Merlumina.
Over the next few days, Madam Merlar told the rest of the Mushroom Kingdom about what had occurred thanks to the efforts of all the citizens of Shiver City, and stated that, “If what we accomplished with just one town could help just one star so immensely, then Imagine what could occur with a whole KINGDOM wishing for a better tomorrow and giving the spirits our HOPE?”. But alas, it all seemed to be for nothing, for the kingdom’s citizens had all but given up hope when the Demon Star attacked, and why wouldn't they? Their homes were destroyed, lives had been lost, and even the mighty Stars were unable to fully fight back against the Shadowy Star and his minions. Even if they were on the ropes, they only succeeded by chance. At this point, the kingdom (or rather what remained of it) was left in a pit of despair… But one man refused to give up, and that man was King Toadstool. At the time, the former King of the Mushroom Kingdom was known for being a bit crazy (possibly due to a medical condition he had), but the citizens and even HIS WIFE thought he had fully gone off the deep end. But it was at this very moment that the King gave a speech that would go down in history as one of his greatest. “My Toads and non-Toad citizens, I know that times may be tough for us all right now, but in the darkest hour of our life when all seems lost, and even when we wallow in a pit of our own despair and sadness, we all must remember that even a tiny glimmer of hope can pave the way to great things. And so, in our darkest hour, I will be that hope. But now you must all decide, will you be as hopeful as I am? Or will you submit to the darkness? So? WHO’S WITH ME!?” Then in an enormous roar, all the citizens rallied together and began putting their hopes and dreams into wishes that powered up not just the Star Spirits, but ALL the adult stars in Star Haven. Quickly then after, the final fight began.
Speaking of, sometime before the crown's rediscovery, the fiendish Beanish known as Fawful wished to harness the supreme power of the Dark Star for himself so that he alone could take over not just the Mushroom Kingdom, but also the Koopa and Beanbean Kingdoms! However, thanks to the Mario Brothers Red and Green, and surprisingly enough, Bowser the Koopa King, the three heroes were able to stop Fawful's invasion and the Dark Star once and for all, even after the two had combined into a monstrous form, and the kingdoms have been safe ever since. So remember, dear readers, that even during the darkest of times when it seems as if the forces of evil have truly won and there is no way out, always remember to have even just a little bit of hope, because simply put, it can have a huge impact later down the line. So always have a bit of hope dear readers, even when all seems lost. And so, with that, our story ends. I hope you all enjoyed this very special summer issue of The Spectral Lens! I had a lot of fun writing it for you all, however I will say this one had to be the hardest to write so far, so I really hope you all enjoy it! Make sure to check out all the other special villain-based stories and games going on during this issue, and I hope you all have a very sinister summer! If you have any suggestions for what I should look into next time, make sure to check out my official forum page. I'm always willing to look into some very villainous history on what you chaps suggest! So don't be afraid to give me suggestions. And with that, I say: Merci, au revoir, and happy Summer Issue! And to all you villains out there, stay sinister.
Written by: Wallace Ulysses
Waaaa!!! Hello there, Waluigi lovers from all Wah-lks of life! This is Wallace Ulysses, ready to report more Waluigi-themed news in celebration of the unofficial Year of Waluigi, since Nintendo can’t be bothered to officially celebrate our favorite purple troublemaker’s twenty-fifth anniversary themselves, since they seem to be busy prioritizing more half-baked goals such as selling the Nintendo Switch 2 and any accompanying launch titles for high prices in exchange for low quality, firing Mrs. Samantha Kelly without her knowledge, and other unethical yet economical mayhem.
So why not try and unwind from the chaos in your silly real world by listening to the Waluigi-themed news I managed to uncover for you all today? This news was sent my way by the editor of the Mushroom City crime blotter. Seems that our beloved menace in purple is up to no good as usual, since a nightclub in Mushroom City was burnt to the ground the other night, and the owner claimed that Waluigi, under the alias of “Longshanks Wallis”, was responsible for this act of arson. Eyewitnesses report that the night before the torchsong tale occurred, Waluigi got into an argument with the nightclub owner over being too loud while making use of the nightclub’s dance floor, and subsequently criticized Waluigi’s dancing skills.
In an act of blind rage-fueled revenge, Waluigi allegedly returned to the nightclub while it was closed down the following night, broke into the building, soaking all the floors of the place in gasoline before using a Fire Flower to transform into Fire Waluigi and ultimately setting the nightclub ablaze with a single Fireball.
Waluigi himself has obviously denied the allegations, issuing the following statement: “Twenty Shy Guys’ll state that Waluigi was nowhere to be seen near the nightclub at the alleged time of the incident, and that Waluigi was in his room at the Waldough-Arantula Hotel in Spamhattan, Mushroom City all night.”
Mushroom City Police Department spokeswoman Moriel Eukaryo has commented on Waluigi’s denial of the allegations, saying that: “It’s quite frankly to be expected of a rabble-rouser such as Waluigi to deny being responsible for an act of arson that took place the night after he got into an argument with the owner of the establishment that was the target of that same act of arson. Unless we receive any hard evidence that proves Waluigi’s innocence, he will remain the prime suspect in this case.”
Shortly after Mushroom City Police Department officials got wind of the incident, Waluigi was wanted for questioning, but Waldough-Arantula Hotel staffing informed them that he’d left the morning after the incident had taken place and left Mushroom City altogether, increasing suspicion towards the purple troublemaker’s involvement in the incident. Mushroom City Police Department is giving out a 500,000 Coin bounty to whoever can find, capture and turn in “Longshanks Wallis”, believed to be an alias of Waluigi, alive.
Wah-ha! You never fail to disappoint us with your twisted ways, Waluigi! Do keep up the good work out there! So that’s about all the Waluigi-themed news I’ve got for you today, as we wrap up the first half of the Year of Waluigi! Join me, Wallace Ulysses next month, as we enter the second half of the Year of Waluigi with more news dedicated to our Wah-nderful Count of Chaos!
Dry Dry Data
Written by: DryBonesBandit (talk) and Boo1268
Hello, dear readers, and welcome to another edition of Dry Dry Data; hopefully, it’s not your first… I’m DryBonesBandit, your host, and today I’m joined by another wonderful writer, Boo1268 the Fancy Phantom! Recently, we headed over to the Dozing Sands, to do research on the drillheaded Torkscrew, the only known member of the Floundrill species (exercitātiōnēs lacertam). Join us in these dream-filled dunes and learn about this large leviathan.
The Adventure
When I was planning for this issue, I struggled with finding what to write about. I’d heard that the ‘Shroom had a theme of villains for next month's issue, but the nature of my section didn’t help with finding a subject to fit, since most villains are common members of their kind. However, the Fancy Phantom came to my rescue. He had heard about my dilemma and wanted to cash in a favor he had promised the Pi'illoper some time ago, so to kill two Pidgits with one stone, he came up with the suggestion of Torkscrew, a large horned horror that attacked citizens of Pi'illo Island while the Mario brothers were adventuring there on vacation.
We both obtained tickets for a blimp ride to the Pi'illo Blimport, and the following day we rode a ship called Naptune IV to our destination. Landing safely, we headed through Wakeport (where we met Boo’s friend) and Mushrise Park, finally arriving in the Dozing Sands.
Hello there, dear chaps! Boo1268 chiming in here to give some more insight. So, after me and my good fellow DryBonesBandit here made our way to Dozing Sands to meet up with my old colleague, the Pi'illoper, I properly introduced DryBones to him and vice versa. After introductions were out of the way, my old friend explained his favor to us. You see, after Mario and Luigi's adventures on the island, their adventure was chronicled as the Dream Stone Disaster, and after such events, Pi'illoper wanted to be sure to recount everything that occurred since it was now a part of Pi'illo history. As such, during their adventures, the plumbers came in contact with a vile creature known as Torkscrew in these very sands, and after its defeat, some eyewitnesses recalled that the beast lost its drill-like horn, and now he had tasked us with finding the missing horn to add it to his relic room.
DryBones back! So, after we talked to the Pi'illoper, we ended up using Boo’s connections to get access to the Drilldigger, a drill great for desert navigation. We made our way to this large, red boulder that was in our way; taking advantage of the Drilldigger, we tried to go right through it. However, the drill bounced right off, and the big rock began to move, revealing to us that it wasn’t a chunk of stone and rather a large, angry Floundrill. I wanted to get closer, to look at the specimen up close; take it away, Boo!
Hello chaps, Boo1268 again here to give some more insight. You see, as we approached the large Floundrill, we noticed that there was a chunk of gold material located on top of its head, which I figured was strange; however, we quickly deduced that this large Floundrill was in fact Torkscrew! As Dry quietly moved closer to inspect the beast, I noticed not too far away from it was its lost horn! Slowly, I made my way over to the horn and put it into my satchel to give to the Pi'illoper in around an hour. That was, until I heard a commotion coming in the direction of where DryBonesBandit was… anywho, back to you Mr. Bandit!
As Boo said, there was a bit of a situation near me! I tried to get closer to Torkscrew to investigate it when suddenly the beast noticed me and attacked me! I ran towards the Drilldigger for safety but then Torkscrew attacked the Drilldigger with me on it, causing irreparable damage and destroying our vehicle. I was thrust from the platform into a wall, where I was knocked out. From what Boo told me, Torkscrew tried to attack me once again but caused the ground to break and all of us fell down the resulting hole to a cavernous area; Torkscrew ended up falling into a different cavern, and we didn’t catch a glimpse of him afterwards. That problem was solved, but we were faced with another; there was no exit! (Oh, and I woke up after an hour or two.)
As me and DryBonesBandit found ourselves stuck in the caverns, we assessed our options; firstly, climbing was out, seeing as the cave was too deep; second, we couldn't just wander the caves randomly, seeing as how we'd probably be lost further! Our only option was to try and find a clear exit out of the cavern. Luckily, I saw one! A path shone with daylight in the horizon (or at the time what I thought was daylight) so, seemingly with no other options to escape, we made our way through the tunnel only to find a cavern filled to the brim with crystals that shined a luminescent light! However that was not the only thing that lurked in this cave with us, as DryBones can attest to.
Those really were some beautiful crystals… back on topic though! We stepped into the “crystal cavern”, to find a large amount of “Dozing Ore”. We heard a noise behind us; when we turned around, we were greeted by a whole bunch of multicolored Flounderflages! Not even stopping for a second, we ran. I got tired quickly, and tripped on some rocks; before the fish caught up to us, heavy footsteps nearby caused them to scurry off in fear. I did not want to be unprepared for another Torkscrew attack, so I grabbed the nearest weapon I could (which turned out to be a Flounderflage that fainted from fear, as I noticed after we’d gone home already; I got a new pet!) and waited for a fight. A few seconds later, the source of the noise came in, which was a large, purple Floundrill. It must have heard the commotion, but seeing us, two undead folk, it seemed disappointed; I think it wanted to eat us, but being dead and all, we were inedible. It turned around and drilled away; lucky for us, the tunnel led to a higher cavern, which further led to an exit. I put my weapon in my bag and we entered the Floundrill-sized hole.
After returning from the caverns with the horn in tow, we gave the prize to the Pi'illoper and recounted our tale. After we had finished, he had but one comment, “If you really needed a way to escape, why didn't you both just fly out?” ...It was at that very moment that me and Dry (who collapsed on the spot after hearing that) both realized how foolish we really were, not even thinking of just flying out of the cavern in the first place! Suffice to say, we spent the rest of our trip embarrassed by how idiotic we had both been...
The Analysis
So, this may be surprising for you to hear, but Floundrills… are fish! Okay, you probably deduced that from the name “Floundrill”...
Floundrills are a large species of flounder that adapted to live on land, especially in harsh, arid environments. Their scaly bodies are roundish, with scales of red or purple color (though I wouldn’t rule green out, considering their close relative, Flounderflage, has a green color), underbellies of a lighter color like coral or yellow, a large maw with pointed teeth, clawed hands and feet (no legs!), and, as their most prominent feature, and one of their namesakes, a single metallic horn both resembling and functioning like a drill. Their claws are always black, and their height is around seven yards. Over time, they lost their gills, leaving them with a smooth body.
They are an aggressive carnivorous species, found only in the Dozing Sands of Pi'illo Island. While they normally eat Caccacs (which are actually animals that evolved to resemble cacti), they will also eat Shelltops, Durapurls (a rare treat), and, if desperate, Flounderflages. A Floundrill will eat anything made of meat that it finds, so don’t cross its path if you are not a plant or are not dead. In other regards, Floundrills are territorial loners who take one spot as their own and defend it from others, including opposing Floundrills, as implied by fossil records near the Dozing Sands. They are quite vicious and tend to use their claws in combat.
If you want my professional opinion on what to do when you’re faced with a Floundrill, it’s spelled R-U-N. Now, let’s read about their history, courtesy of the Fancy Phantom!
History
Many years ago, an ancestor of Flounderflages lived in an environment not too unfamiliar from normal sea life, with underwater sand dunes littered with plenty of tasty hermit crabs and other small creatures for them to eat. However, over the years, the watery dunes slowly but surely arose from the sea, as the land began to form what would eventually become Pi'illo Island.
As such, many species that still lived in the dunes and other parts of the island had to adapt to their surroundings, thus leading to Flounderflages coming to be over generations in a similar way to Cheep Cheeps gaining the ability to live on land; over time, Flounderflages lost the ability to swim or breathe underwater, unlike Cheep Cheeps. This new evolution and environment came with its own challenges; not only the appearance of the once abundant Pi'illodactyls who hunted the green Flounderflages especially due to their bright green scales, making them easiest to see when not camouflaged, but also the transition to land and constant eruptions from the once active Mount Pajamaja lead to a plentiful amount of hard volcanic rocks forming and appearing throughout the Dozing Dunes.
While some Flounderflages either tolerated the constant falling of rocks or adapted to burrow into the sand to avoid the rocks turning them into flounder pancakes, one subspecies of Flounderflage took a different path. This Flounderflage evolved to gain a drill-shaped horn it mainly used to bust open rocks that laid in its path, alongside busting open the tough shells of many Durapurls that once littered the area many years ago. However, due to the once vast amount of rocks and food present in the era decreasing, only one recorded member of this species has been accounted for in the wild.
The Floundrills’ hulking size, strength and power make it a dominant predator among the sand dunes. However, rumors over the years have surfaced that another member of this species exists! It recently has been dubbed Torkscrew X, seemingly an even STRONGER member that's theorized to have become so strong due to it many years before the original Torkscrew! (This rumor has now been confirmed, and now TWO Floundrills are documented!)
Fun Fact: Did you know that the reason Torkscrew is named how he is is mainly because of the screw of the same name? In fact, the horn of Torkscrew is made of the same metal as normal torkscrews! The same goes with Torkscrew X, who has the same material in its horn.
The End
Thanks for reading this section! I’m very happy to have collaborated with someone for the first time in Dry Dry Data history. A big thanks to Boo1268 for helping me out! Make sure to suggest something for the next issue here or here, and have a good one!
Boo1268 here! Just wanted to say farewell, my friends! I hope you enjoyed it and as I always say: Merci, au revoir.
Written by: Legend 8
It is a beautiful day in the Mushroom Kingdom, and our antilogical heroes-
Kroop: Pyro! What's going on? What did you do?! That's not our regular section title up there!
Pyro: That is correct. But this is not about us anyways. Move over, I need to summon a BIIIGGG advert poster! Heehehehe...
Pyro summons a BIIIGGG advert poster that Kroop is barely able to dodge:
Pyro: Heeey! Kroop, I said you should write a positive review! You little traitor! You don't even listen to me when I force you to!
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Rising International Musician Mamu's History As Wart Revealed
The world tour of rising musical star Mamu has been temporarily suspended as controversy erupts over Dream Insider's report that Mamu is, in fact, the former conqueror of Dream Land, Wart. The tabloid-journal released a bombshell report on Wednesday in which Froggifer, a former member of Wart's frog choir, asserted that Mamu is in fact Wart performing under a pseudonym, adding that members of the frog choir were pressured by both their boss and other industry insiders to keep Mamu's true identity under wraps at risk of being blacklisted from the industry. After finishing a performance at the Dream Depot on Wednesday night, Mamu's representatives put out a statement that, on a doctor's advice, a performance scheduled for Friday was cancelled, and that the musician's tour would be suspended until further notice. Disgruntled ticket holders have voiced skepticism over the explanation, noting that Mamu's vocals were in top form at the Dream Depot concert and speculating that the suspension's true purpose is to allow Mamu to avoid in-person appearances at the height of this controversy.
According to the full report by Dream Insider, after his twice-thwarted conquest of Subcon, Wart retreated to Koholint Island, hiding out in a pond beneath the Signpost Maze. There, he began practicing singing in order to pass the time, with other frogs coming to investigate and soon joining him in song. Realizing he had a path to amassing wealth and fame, but couldn't afford to emerge under his real name, Wart adopted the pseudonym "Mamu" and formed a frog choir before breaking into the music scene. The tabloid-journal backed its claims not only with the attestations of Froggifer, but also by speaking with Birdo, a former general of Wart's who confirmed that Mamu and Wart looked to be one-and-the-same, and by speaking to Toadofsky, who confessed he had learned of Mamu's identity as Wart during a period of collaboration.
For his part, Mamu has previously claimed he "was originally a no-name amphibian trilling in the frog pond on Koholint before we got our big break", claiming to always have been a resident of Koholint Island. Mamu has not yet responded to the claims of his past as Wart directly, instead putting the following statement:
My past, whatever it may be, should not matter to who I am now. I am Mamu the musician, and with my choir, we bring joy around the world, making listeners feel more alive. Never have I deceived anyone about who I am. I am exactly who I present myself to be. The past is gone. Why bring it up?
These revelations have come with an eruption of controversy, with the public and numerous prominent figures inside and outside of the music industry debating the relevance of Mamu's past as Wart to his current career and how the performer should be viewed in light of his history. Supporters of the musician contend that the tabloid has unnecessarily dredged up the past, that Mamu has proven himself to be reformed and deserves to continue with his new life, and that punishing Mamu now by dragging his past to the forefront will only cause former criminals to see no value in bettering themselves because they will always be haunted by their actions. Among these supporters is Toadofsky, who reached out to The Subcon Standard to make the following statement:
If there is to be any talk of deception, let it fall squarely upon those mudslingers behind that tabloid, who told me that my words would be confidential! I have worked with Mamu. I have seen his frog choir work masterfully, so much so that I invited them to impart their knowledge on the tadpoles of Tadpole Pond. He is a talented musician, and you can see now the results of exposing his past to the world. They treat it as a black mark on his record, not seeing that he is changed. He is no longer a conqueror, but an artist. He chose to keep his past as Wart hidden so that it would not overshadow his music, and now, his past revealed, overshadow his music it has. It is shameful. This should not even be a discussion!
Those voicing support for Dream Insider argue that its editors fulfilled the mission of all journalists, revealing information hidden from the public's eye so that a public figure can be held accountable. Many Subconians have called for the public to abandon Mamu and his music, pointing out that, as Wart, he escaped any punishment for his crimes, and arguing that he should not be allowed to walk freely and profit from his music. They also point to concerns with Mamu using his influence to pressure those around him to stay quiet about his past, citing the potential harm of such a power imbalance. Shireikan, assistant to His Royal Highness, put out the following statement in response to the controversy:
It is reprehensible that the monster who invaded our lands would not only be allowed to walk freely, but to be treated as a celebrity all the while deceiving the public by assuming a false identity! No conqueror should be allowed to stand without accountability for their crimes. It is madness that nobody until this week had the integrity to expose this lie and reveal Wart for what he truly is - a toad trying to escape the consequences of his own actions. Why should Subconians cheer the one who unleashed all manners of monsters and nightmares upon them? Do they not have a right to the truth, to choose who to support and who to condemn? I applaud those who pierced Wart's veil, and may he now reap what he has sown.
While the debate over the revelations of Mamu's true identity rages, we turn to two of our long-time correspondents, Hooded Pitohui and Shoey, for perspective on this story.
|
Okay, look, let me set the record straight here. I'm not going to sit here and say that Dream Insider shouldn't have reported on this. While not, perhaps, in possession of the greatest reputation, it did what any publication would and reported the truth. We need a press which is free and able to arm the public with truth. But while I do not condemn the report itself, I must question the response to it, and the methods behind this reporting. If Mamu has changed - and he has, not only his name, but in his conduct - then why should we hold his past against him? He is contributing to society as an artist. He is productive, happy, and makes thousands of others happy. Is that not the goal? Do we not seek to rehabilitate, rather than punish? Shireikan and others in his camp claim that Mamu was not punished for his past, but is being forced into hiding on Koholint not a punishment all its own? Isolation, uncertainty, and to be detested by the public, that is punishment enough. There are so many who will vouch that he has changed, and there is no reason we shouldn't believe them. |
| Let the past be reported, but do not dwell on it. Do not sensationalize this story and fuel controversy. This is not a story of deception, but a success story, a tale of a toad who was once - once - a criminal, now possessed of a change of heart. While I defend the right of Dream Insider to publish this story, I cannot see any explanation for them framing this as some deceptive ploy to gain wealth and status other than an attempt to smear Mamu and generate debate to boost circulation. This could have been presented in a more neutral fashion, in cooperation with Mamu rather than behind his back. A more responsible publication would have done just that, but instead, we are plunged into a wholly unnecessary controversy which could dim this rising star, which could derail this story of a toad working towards redemption, and all so one tabloid can profit. I can only hope that the public, in its wisdom, will come to recognize that "Wart" no longer matters, and that it is time to let the past be left in the past. | |
|
First of all, I must applaud the courageousness and integrity of Dream Insider for revealing Mamu's true identity as the notorious would-be dream dictator Wart. I understand that such a decision may not be popular in the music industry and that, while it was the right thing to do, it has caused the publication unjust damage to their reputation within the industry. But they strove to do the right thing, and I must applaud them for taking a reputational hit to alert us that one of the most popular musicians was really a dangerous criminal. And let's call a spade a spade. You may believe that Wart is a brilliant musician, and you might even think he's a musical genius, but that does not change the fact that Wart not only twice waged a war of conquest against the people of Subcon, even to the point of bringing in the dangerous 8-Bit mercenary group to terrorize Subcon's people, but he also waged an unsuccessful attempt to kidnap our own beloved Mushroom King! Are these the crimes that can be forgiven just because he happens to be good at music? If Wart wishes to continue his music career, I'm sure that Shireikan will be happy to allow him to continue to write songs from the comfort of his jail cell where he should spend the rest of his life. |
| Now, I must turn my attention to the wider music industry, who I must express a profound disappointment in. From the time they discovered the true identify of "Mamu", they had not just the legal but also the moral responsibility to alert the authorities that a criminal as dangerous as Wart had escaped. Instead, what did they do? They protected his identity! They allowed Wart to soak in fame and riches! Riches that could very well be used to fund another invasion of Subcon! And now the industry scorns Dream Insider for doing the correct thing and alerting the world that Mamu is really the notorious and escaped warmonger Wart. They scorn the one part of the industry willing to do what's right? Ridiculous! To tell you the truth, I wouldn't be opposed to charges being brought on all of those connected to this whole Mamu thing. Yes, even the great Toadofsky shouldn't be spared. By his own words, he knew Mamu's true identity and not only did nothing about it, but decided to work with him to extend his fame! It's aiding and abetting a criminal of the highest order and it should be punished. Those who support Wart make the claim that he's changed, that he was punished enough by being forced to live in isolation in the swamp. A ridiculous claim if you ask me, and one that, even if I believed it, I'd point out was of his own making. It's as if people want us to look past his crimes just because he's a good musician. Crimes that I must remind you aren't simple assault or some sort of low-level mail fraud. No, it's the conquering and enslavement of an entire country that people want us to look past. A ridiculous proposition, if you ask me. |
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
Feline Travel Guide Writer Invited To Karting Tournament
As some readers may know, the Mario Kart Racing Association announced a new tournament recently, The World Tour, (alternatively named The Mario Kart World Tournament). After the success of the Deluxe and Booster tournaments, they were able to organise their biggest endeavour yet, a tour across a massive island off the coast of the Mushroom Kingdom mainland.
Well-known writer and CEO of Sunshine Businesses, Cosmo Neko was announced as a major business partner and contributor to The World Tour. Assisting with exploration, construction, and many other parts of the preparation, the Mario Kart Racing Association thanked him with an invitation to join the exclusive opening tournament, which would be a kart race across the entire island, from course to course, having only the most prestigious racers.
While this was in general met with positivity, a small but vocal group complained about this decision, claiming the recent incident where many licenses were given out by accident was Cosmo's fault.
As we know well, Cosmo thrives on chaos and disorder. It seems to be right up his alley to send a whole bunch of ridiculous creatures driving through the roads across the kingdom. Then they reward him by letting him drive as well! Disgusting.
They kicked out the Koopalings so a dead fish could race instead. Now they kicked out royalty made out of gold so a cat could race instead. Plus, look at the ticket price.
Cosmo released a statement in response to these complaints.
Deal with it.
Friends of Cosmo and a few other 'Shroom writers were asked for a comment.
Boo1268: Personally, I don't see what the problem is. If a Moo Moo Cow, Fishbone, Penguin, Cataquack, Sidestepper, Stingby, Swooper, and for heaven's sake a DOLPHIN are allowed to compete in the tournament, then at this point it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to include a cat into this circus of a karting tournament, especially since this cat in particular is a very good friend of mine and a rather good chap to boot, so I say let the cat race! Besides, wouldn't be the weirdest inclusion the MKRA had, since they included R.O.B back during the DS Championship.
ClawgripFan9001: Yar, I ain't really one ta bat an eye at the kinda folks these Shroomula One sea urchins be invitin' ta come drive 'round their elaborate an' eccentric racin' tracks. They could invite the Queen o' Mermaddia, Mad the Mermaid, ta come racin' in their tournaments, an' I wouldn't care. So why is it such a big deal ta let me lad Cosmo 'ave a shot at burnin' some rubber durin' the next Grand Prix, argh?
DryBonesBandit: I was slightly skeptical on whether these fellows should drive at first but from the previews, I see that these newcomers have some skill. Even those with no hands can drive, like the Goomba. The Sidestepper has claws but doesn't even grab the wheel and somehow fails to crash - that's just amazing! I don't know Cosmo too well, but I do know they have limbs to grasp a wheel with, so I don't see why people are complaining about them more than Pokey and Cataquack.
Waluigi Time: People will complain about anything these days, won't they? You don't see me still being bitter that I couldn't watch Waluigi race back in '11 because they decided to invite a bee and a literal clone of Mario to race instead, even though that was the worst decision in MKRA history and never should've happened, do you? I mean, come on, with all the other racers they've had over the years and all the drivers they've recently invited that don't even have hands, you're going to complain about a cat, and some of these people are saying absolutely ridiculous things to justify themselves. Really? Let Cosmo race, I say, and I hope he has a great time in the tournament. And uh, hopefully he puts in a good word for me so I can race next time. Or I could just start my own…
Sparks: All of these newcomers only watched the races happen. Some of them even acted as obstacles in the past, like Pokey for example. Look at them now! They've been waiting to actively participate for so long. Heck, some have been patient for more than 30 years! While it is true that some of these newbies are unexpected, like a cow or snowman, they'll definitely catch viewers by surprise and may even boost the ratings in general! If a fish skeleton got in as a racer, it won't be long before Anglefish joins… at least we have Spike for now. As for Cosmo, let him race too! One more addition won't hurt anything.
Hooded Pitohui: My distaste for many of the MKRA's decisions are a matter of public record, so know I don't offer this lightly, but I must applaud the MKRA's decision to allow Cosmo and these many other first-time racers to compete in The Mario Kart World Tournament. For far too long, too many in this kingdom and beyond have been denied an opportunity to race, even as the MKRA has turned the lands they inhabited into racetracks and tourist attractions. The organization's recent decision will allow more residents of this kingdom to finally share in the joy and wealth these races generate, and I trust that so prominent a CEO as Cosmo will use the attention they gain as a competitor to further advocate for the expansion of the MKRA's roster. To doubters, I say let Cosmo race, let Fishbones race, and in honor of the poor Pit Plant let their fellow Dry Dry Desert Pokeys race!
Infamous Pianta Bar D. Jokue, recently rumoured to be involved with criminal organisations and other evil stuff, has declared his distaste of this decision.
I can't believe they invited him, and not me. That's really mean. Plus, he stole my travel guide, which I stole fair and square from him! You guys are all jerks.
Whatever your opinion is, we can all agree that this new tour is going to be interesting. Races have already begun for this new tour, but you'll have to wait until next month to see the aftermath of the opening tournament. This is Goombo, the Goomba reporter, signing off.
Written by: Legend 8
The Sorcery Show
Episode 19: Highly Logical Evilness, Part 1
It is a very villainous day in the Mushroom Kingdom, and the air is filled with evil schemes and screams of terror. Meanwhile, the ever-scheming antilogician Magikoopa Pyrokles is having a day off in his castle, accompanied by his best friends: Kroop the flaming Koopa skull, and the helpful Explainer voice. He is currently bursting into the room where Kroop is trying to sleep, carrying a calendar.
Pyro: Kroop! Kroop!
Kroop: What's up?
Pyro: This month is the villains special 'Shroom issue!!
Kroop: Yeah. So what?
Pyro: We might finally get to see those stupid Agents again! Yippeee!!
Kroop: Uh, Pyro. You do remember that the last two times we encountered them, you almost got hypnotized into being their fully logical puppet?
Pyro: Yeah, but it was funny! Every time we meet they're all like "wahaha this time failsafe plan blablah you can't do anything prepare to get logified" and then they get taken by surprise and they're absolutely powerless once again! Sigh... I kinda miss them.
The spectral Explainer manifests above Kroop, glitching out reality into a semi-physical body and raising his arm to comment.
Wait a second. I am rather surprised that you expect them to come when it would make the most sense, even though everything you usually predict is pretty much unexpected and against all logic. And always happens in the end. But, could you please explain?
Pyro: Oh, yeah well that's what YOU might expect, huh? But as you just said: always against all expectations! It would be way too obvious for me to say they won't appear today, so-
Kroop: Ugh! Stop! I got it, I got it. No additional information needed. But I wouldn't really look forward to meeting them again...
Pyro: Doesn't matter! I already called them, they said they would be here very soon.
Kroop: What? You invited them?!
Pyro: No, of course not! What a silly idea. I just said "haha bet you can't find us lol bye".
Yeah... That should do the trick.
Kroop: But whyyyyyyyy?!
Pyro: As I already said, fun! Fun fun fun fun!!!
I don't think-
The doorbell rings. DING DONG.
Pyro: Oh, that should be them! Let me just take a look...
Pyro sticks his face into the wall and it reappears on the large castle gate. He sees... nobody. Only a small cardboard package lying at his doorstep. He pulls his head back out of the wall, disappointed.
Pyro: Aw man! Just a package!
Kroop: Phew!
Pyro teleports downstairs and then comes back with the package.
Pyro: So, let's look inside... Maybe it's something cool at least.
As Pyro opens the package, a fist shoots out, smacking him in the face. Then, an Agent of Absolute and Uncreative Logic jumps out, laughing evilly.
Agent: Hahahaha! You really thought you could mock us and get away with it? Oh no, you disobedient, antilogical brat! This stuff is going to end- huh? Why are you grinning?!
Pyro: What? I'm just so happy that you decided to come after all! Last time was so fun, really looking forward to all the fun stuff we will do today! Fun fun fun!
Er, I think you misunderstood the situation, Pyro. Let me explain. He is not here for fun, but for vengeance. Also, he just punched your glasses off. Should I pick it up for you?
Pyro: Oh. Well that's unfortunate. Why are my glasses lying on the floor? Did I miss something?
The Agent punches him again.
Pyro: Hey! Stop it! I wasn't ready yet, that's not fair!
Agent: Hahaha! Well, the world is unfair... But in the end, logic will conquer all nonsense and then, justice shall reign!
Kroop: Am I the only one who saw this coming and tried to evade it?? How could we even fall for such a cheap trick?! Destiny must really hate us.
Agent: Hey! Our disguises are always perfect. No need to get rude. Also, I wasn't planning on staying anyways. So now if you'd excuse m-
Pyro: What? You're going already? Awwww...
Can someone please explain? By now, I have no idea what's going on anymore...