The 'Shroom:Issue 219/Palette Swap
Director's Notes
Hi all! Welcome to the Summer Special Villains issue of The 'Shroom!
It makes me laugh that while this issue is coming out, I'm still playing Xenoblade Chronicles X, which has the worst villain in the entire series. Sorry Luxaar, you're a boring, non-existant final boss in a series where we got such stand-out bad guys as Malos (my personal favorite video game villain of all time) and Zanza, and that's a galactic war crime on your end. I'll add it to your rap sheet. I hope you all are enjoying your Switch 2s, and I hope none of you had the receipt stapled to the front of the box!
As befitting a special issue, we've packed the whole hog in this time! We've got two community art submissions, three special stories, and a look at a game box art! Our comic artists pulled out all the stops as well, so there is plenty to keep you occupied while you procrastinate hiring those last few minions for guard duty.
Happy reading! ~FunkyK38
Section of the Month
It's time for Section of the Month once again! Leading the pack, we have winstein (talk)'s The ? Panel! Following that, it's Waluigi Time (talk)'s Waluigi Time Comic. In third place this month, we have a tie between Sparks (talk)'s Random Video Analysis and Aomaf (talk)'s Story Without Text! Thank you to all of our writers for their hard work, and thank you to everyone who voted! Please keep it up this month, too!
| PALETTE SWAP SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The ? Panel | 29 | 69.05% | winstein (talk) |
| 2nd | Waluigi Time Comic | 4 | 9.52% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
| 3rd | Random Video Analysis | 3 | 7.14% | Sparks (talk) |
| 3rd | Story Without Text | 3 | 7.14% | Aomaf (talk) |
Random Image of the Month
Hello, and welcome back to Palette Swap's most periodically-appearing section, Random Image of the Month! Here, we look at various images from the history of the Mario series. This month, continuing my obsession with Super Mario Land, we're going to look at something you've never seen before, the boxart to the German board game Das Super Mario Spiel.
Okay, right off the bat, I have problems. For starters, why is there a Super Mario Land board game exclusive to Germany and apparently Spain??? Was Super Mario Land so popular in those two countries that the market demanded a board game? Why doesn't anywhere else get the board game? Make it make sense, please Nintendo! Next, I don't care what the back of the box says, that's not Princess Daisy! That's Princess Peach! Peach wears pink and Daisy wears orange; everyone knows that!!! Next, why is Mario throwing a fireball?! Sarasaland doesn't have Fire Flowers, they have Superball Flowers! Get the lore straight, board game!!! Pffft, so much for the so-called German efficiency!
Now other than that, the characters look quite nice. I'll always be a supporter of Super Mario Land enemies being represented. The models on the enemies and the bosses are really good, which is surprising since they got Princess Daisy wrong. Although I must deduct points since Tatanga is a wimpy teal color and not his majestic true purple color! I really like the character of the various Mario images. They're pretty cute with him falling and running and doing various things on his way through the game. But wait, what's this!? A Toad is here??? Damn it, Germany, there are no Toads in Super Mario Land!!! They'd never survive the Sarasaland climate!
This boxart isn't doing a good job of explaining what the game is to me. Now, you could argue that it's because I don't speak German, but as an American I refuse to believe that I could be misinformed, so clearly it's the box's fault! It looks like it's some sort of platforming board game. My best guess would be that you draw cards to move spaces as you travel the different kingdoms of Sarasaland. But apparently according to the wiki, it's actually a dice game, which is stupid. Strangely, it appears that they decided to cut Biokinton, probably because market research suggests that Germans would never purchase a board game with a chicken-summoning cloud in it. I like the crown at the top of the boxart. I imagine that the last space is fighting Tatanga or at least what the game considers "fighting". Also, apparently according to the wiki, Luigi is in the game, but he's not on the boxart because poor Luigi never gets any respect. At first glance, I thought the game was like a chutes and ladders-style climbing game, but it sounds like the big danger is rolling onto those ? Block spaces, which can be traps. Gonna be honest, the fact this exists and is German-exclusive is just very strange to me. Like, I could understand there being a worldwide Super Mario Land board game. After all, tons of dumb things have board games. But a Super Mario Land board game exclusive to Germany and Spain? That's just hard to wrap my head around. But at least the boxart is cool. If you were a fan of Super Mario Land and board games, I could see you picking it up for the at-home Super Mario Land experience... even though Super Mario Land was already the at-home Super Mario Land experience...
Waluigi Time Comic
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
"Villain Auditions" - Waluigi Time Comic
Panel 1
[Waluigi Time is wearing a classic villainous top hat and cape with a curly mustache.]
WALUIGI TIME: Okay guys, I feel like making a movie so we need auditions for who's going to play the villain!
WALUIGI TIME: Chuck and I will go first to show you how it's done
Panel 2
[Waluigi Time is next to some metallic barrels on a crudely made ship prop.]
WALUIGI TIME: Mwahaha! After I dump these chemicals into Vanilla Dome, everyone will vote for Porcupuffers as the Worst Enemy!
Panel 3
CHUCK: Wait, this plan doesn't even make sense
WALUIGI TIME: You're going off script!
Panel 4
CHUCK: Also they got rid of Worst Enemy
WALUIGI TIME: They did?
CHUCK: You're on the Awards Committee
WALUIGI TIME: I am?
Panel 5
WALUIGI TIME: So... That's how not to do it
WALUIGI TIME: Who wants to go first
Panel 6
[Kameron is dressed in a black and red wizard costume with a staff, and seated on a black throne.]
KAMERON: I am the Dark Mage! I will send disease and rats and diseased rats upon your lands!
Panel 7
[The panel blackens in a flash of lightning as Kameron cackles in silhouette.]
KAMERON: MWAHAHAHA
Panel 8
WALUIGI TIME: Promising... What about you, Red Bin?
RED BIN: I'm an environmentalist
WALUIGI TIME: That's not evil
Panel 9
[Red Bin points towards a crude trash compactor prop.]
RED BIN: It is when I THROW LITTERERS IN THE TRASH COMPACTOR
Panel 10
[Waluigi Time is in thought next to Shbeeg.]
WALUIGI TIME: I don't know... It still feels like something's missing
Panel 11
[Shbeeg's wallpaper turns an ominous red as the lenses of his glasses turn completely white. He puts his paws together while sporting a sinister grin.]
SHBEEG: How about I make clones of myself and render all your jobs obsolete
Panel 12
[Shbeeg's monitor suddenly turns off as Chuck, Kameron, and Red Bin look on in confusion.]
Panel 13
[Waluigi Time is seen holding an electrical plug.]
WALUIGI TIME: That felt a little too evil
The ? Panel
Drawn by: winstein (talk) and Meta Knight (talk)
{Burt walks past some Shy Guys, visibly angry and wearing an oversized shirt that has the words "NEVER NUDE" on it.}
He's bashful and he goes by Burt
Without his pants he's quite alert
While not his best style
Not by a long mile
He got himself a giant shirt
Salvo the Slime
{Salvo is trapped at the bottom of a glass of lemon parfait.}
There's Salvo who used to be wide
But then eroded and left dried
It's then stored away
For lemon parfait
Now dessert, it felt petrified
Bigger Boo
{A much tinier Bigger Boo is surrounded by regular-sized Boos who are all laughing at him.}
The Bigger Boo had a big burst
And then his body got dispersed
He's back next nightfall
But now he's so small
Laughed at for that is just the worst
Roger the Potted Ghost
{Roger winks to the reader from on top of a flowery hat.}
The pot that housed Roger shattered
He's sad with his flowers tattered
And then left to roam
But soon found a home
In one nice hat and felt flattered
Froggy
{Froggy shoos away some flies with a disgusted expression. A thought bubble shows various insects and a Yoshi with a red X over them.}
The insides of Froggy got beat
As soon as he's back on his feet
He turned a new leaf
To start his belief
He needed to give up on meat
Naval Piranha
{Naval Piranha is flattened in a pool of water, dreaming about being on the surface in a field of flowers.}
Naval Piranha in sewer
Armed with thorns so he can skewer
Dreams of the sunshine
For it sounds so fine
Beat with eggs he'll remain bluer
Marching Milde
{The Mildes march towards the reader, with a cloud of musical notes and two shocked Crazee Dayzees behind them.}
The Mildes then got more divided
Soon they agreed and decided
They march all day long
And hum a loud song
Which made all near them blindsided
Hookbill the Koopa
{Hookbill is back at his normal size and trying to glue together a shell out of scavenged pieces.}
Without his shell Hookbill is bare
Realizing it he got a scare
With chunks here and there
They're used to repair
A hodgepodge of a shell he'll wear
Sluggy the Unshaven
{Sluggy is shown with a peaceful expression and a glowing golden heart.}
The heartless Sluggy liquefied
Until a gold heart was inside
He got back his form
Except he feels warm,
a change of heart and purified
Raphael the Raven
{Raphael is in a jungle setting alongside many smaller Ravens.}
Raphael got knocked into space
and fell to a faraway place
He went for a roam
Found Ravens at home
This big bird soon became their ace
Tap-Tap the Red Nose
{Tap-Tap is encased in dried lava with his nose sticking out. A Bandit kicks it, causing Tap-Tap to visibly be in pain.}
The dried lava where Tap-Tap's stuck
His nose was exposed and got struck
Some kicks it's gotten
He's now feeling rotten
His nose got redder, just his luck
Baby Bowser
{Baby Bowser angrily looks at a picture of the Stork carrying two babies with fire in his eyes.}
That gween donkey he's beaten by
He has a fire in his eye
He's gonna get strong
No matter how long
Then the King will reach for the sky
Panel 1
{Kamek sits next to Bowser Jr.'s bed and closes a book.}
Kamek: And that's the end!
Panel 2
Bowser Jr.: Do you think Dad will triumph one day?
Kamek: Um, I can only say this...
Panel 3
{Kamek looks out the window and sees Bowser angrily muttering to himself in a descending Koopa Clown Car.}
Panel 4
{Kamek turns back to Bowser Jr.}
Kamek: He's still trying his best to this day.
Die WAH With A Vengeance
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
Part 1
It was a time of anguish and despair for the Waffle Kingdom. Ever since the evil sorcerer, Minister Crêpe had lured the purple troublemaker, Waluigi to Hatesong Tower with rumors of a powerful jeweled egg that was said to grant the wishes of whoever would find it, he had killed the purple troublemaker and possessed his body to use as a vessel for him to carry out his evil plot to reassemble the Luff Empire and take over the Waffle Kingdom once more. While the real Waluigi was on an adventure throughout the aftergame to earn another body, Minister Crêpe had managed to use the menace in purple’s old body to take over Waffle Castle in Waffledam, the capital city of the Waffle Kingdom and have his Luffs wreak havoc upon the Waffle Kingdom and all the lands that it happened to hold.
We then find ourselves in the Pudding Continent of the Waffle Kingdom, in the village of Podiforme Trench, a village entirely inhabited by Bloopers. The village was currently under attack by the Luff Empire, with Bloopers either trying to fight back against the Luff Soldiers or fleeing from their onslaught. One of the Bloopers, a male wearing a headpiece made of oak wood by the name of Bloolex was currently hiding out behind a wooden garbage dumpster positioned behind a wooden hut located in Podiforme Trench, trembling in fear.
“Bloo, what do I do…? We’re never gonna drive the Luff Empire out of Podiforme Trench at this rate…Here’s hoping Star Haven is listening as I make this call…” Bloolex said to himself in a frightened tone of voice before clasping his hands together in a prayer-like manner before making a wish. “Dearest Star Spirits of Star Haven, if you’re listening right now, please bring us a spark of hope in this time of dread and fear that is overcoming the Waffle Kingdom…” Bloolex’s body then gave off a glow as his wish registered in Star Haven.
Suddenly, a vortex of purple light began to expand into thin air before Waluigi appeared out of it, riding his Waluigi Cloud being pulled by a flock of Koopa Paratroopas. The vortex then shrank back down and vanished as Waluigi triumphantly placed his hands on his hips.
“WAH-HA-HA-HA! Never fear, Waluigi’s here!” Waluigi proudly exclaimed, with Bloolex sighing in relief at the realization that Star Haven had heard his call before he got up from where he was sitting and floated over to the purple troublemaker.
“Not a moment too soon, Waluigi! The spectre of the evil sorcerer, Minister Crêpe has taken over your body, used it to reassemble his sinister Luff Empire, and is currently using it alongside his dark magic to wreak havoc upon the Waffle Kingdom and rule it with an iron fist!” Bloolex explained the situation at hand to the real Waluigi.
“Yeah, Waluigi was aware that sinister minister was up to no good with Waluigi’s former body. Fortunately, Waluigi just received a fresh and new body along with a couple of tools at his disposal, courtesy of the King and Queen of the aftergame to settle the score with Minister Crêpe!” Waluigi nodded in response to the young Blooper’s explanation before reassuring him with a beaming smile and another triumphant pose strike.
“That’s a relief. Come with me, I can take you to the Chief of Podiforme Trench. He can probably give you directions to Rumblebump Volcano. Just the other day, prior to the start of Minister Crêpe’s invasion of the Waffle Kingdom, the spirit of a Gray Goomba by the name of Goomphrodite (Author’s Note: He’s referring to the Wise Goomba of Boggly Woods, one of the four legendary heroes mentioned in Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door) came to him in a dream and informed him that Minister Crêpe was to entrust a piece of the Circle of Lightning to one of his most powerful underlings, the Vile Serpent called Venomvander, who had taken up residence inside Rumblebump Volcano.”
Waluigi nodded at Bloolex’s explanation. “Waluigi would appreciate that very much, my friend. By the way, do you happen to have a name of your own?” He asked the young Blooper with a curious tilt of his head as he placed his right thumb and index finger to his chin in an inquisitive manner.
“I do. My name’s Bloolex, and I’m a retainer to Chief Christopher Calamaras, the leader of Podiforme Trench, the village that we’re in right now. Now let’s get going, we’ve got no time to lose.” Bloolex informed Waluigi as he began rushing ahead to Podiforme Trench Town Hall, with Waluigi pointing forward to signal his Paratroopas to follow the young Blooper, in which the Paratroopas did.
Before long, Waluigi and Bloolex had made it to Podiforme Trench Town Hall and were currently sat in Chief Christopher Calamaras’ office, with Waluigi’s makeshift battle carriage being parked just outside the office so that it would not get damaged by the attacking Luff Empire.
“Thank heavens you came at a time when the Waffle Kingdom as a whole needed you the most, Mr. Waluigi. I’m sure that Bloolex has already filled you in on the situation regarding the Circle of Lightning?” Chief Christopher asked Waluigi. The Chief was a large, middle-aged Blooper wearing a crown made out of Golden Leaves along with a talisman made out of thick straw and copper, a Blooper-shaped insignia engraved in the middle of the copper plaque worn around his neck.
“Well, partially. Waluigi was hoping you could enlighten him on the remainder of the situation?” Waluigi admitted as he rubbed the back of his head in a sheepish manner. Even a man as confident as Waluigi was no stranger to having his awkward and dorky moments.
Chief Christopher nodded in understanding. “Very well. You see, following the defeat of Minister Crêpe at the hands of the Hero in Green and his Band of Brothers years ago, now Queen Eclair of the Waffle Kingdom and her husband King Nutmeg created the Circle of Lightning as a means of defeating an evildoer as strong as Minister Crêpe, should such a being ever plunge the Waffle Kingdom into darkness again. Supposedly, the ghost of the evil sorcerer Crêpe had learned of such a thing whilst biding his time to strike again, and as soon as he managed to get a hold of a vessel to carry out his revenge in physical form, he broke the Circle of Lightning into multiple pieces and entrusted them to the most powerful and competent underlings he managed to recruit to his cause.” He then explained to Waluigi in as much detail as he could, with Waluigi listening carefully and nodding in understanding the entire time.
“So, from what Waluigi understands, the only way to defeat Minister Crêpe and seal away his spirit for good, is if Waluigi were to go after each and every one of these underlings, obtain the pieces of the Circle of Lightning from them, reassemble it and then challenge the Minister himself?” Waluigi asked Chief Christopher with a curious tilt of his head to make sure he understood where the Blooper was going with this. Chief Christopher nodded in response, humming affirmatively. “That is very much correct, Mr. Waluigi.” He acknowledged the purple troublemaker’s reasoning.
Waluigi nodded back in response, understanding what he had to do in order to exact his revenge on Minister Crêpe. “If that’s the case, then Waluigi better get going toward Rumblebump Volcano and best the Vile Serpent known as Venomvander so that Waluigi may obtain the first piece of the Circle of Lightning.”
“Oh, we’re fortunate to have such a courageous and eager hero to rescue us in these despairing times! Since I’m sure that you aren’t familiar with the general area of the Pudding Content, I will send Bloolex along with you so that he can guide you toward Rumblebump Volcano.” Chief Christopher beamed with delight before gesturing to Bloolex.
Bloolex’s eyes widened in shock and disbelief as he heard this. “You really trust me enough to guide the hero toward his first major battle in his quest to save the Waffle Kingdom, Chief Christopher?!” He asked his leader, being both delighted and honored to be assigned to this important task.
“Of course, Bloolex. In the last few years, you have more than earned your stripes in being one of my best retainers, thanks to your adept combat abilities and unrelenting courage. I’m certain you have what it takes to assist Mr. Waluigi on his quest.” Chief Christopher assured Bloolex with a light smile, showcasing his confidence and faith in the young Blooper.
Bloolex’s eyes began glistening with pride upon hearing that. “Thank you, Chief Christopher! I won’t disappoint you, I promise!” He beamed with pride before turning to Waluigi. “Well, give me a moment to get my gear ready for departure, and then we’re off to Rumblebump Volcano, Mr. Waluigi!” He happily told the towering miscreant.
Waluigi nodded in understanding, tipping the helmet he was wearing as he did so. “Of course, Bloolex. Take all the time you need. Waluigi has all the time in the Mushroom World.” He assured the young Blooper, being mindful of the prep time he needed for his travels.
Later, once Bloolex had prepared for his travels with Waluigi, the now unlikely duo was on the outskirts of Podiforme Trench, having cleared out the village of the attacking Luff Empire as they were departing from it.
“Nep-Enut Almighty, Mr. Waluigi! You really showed those Luff Soldiers back there what for!” Bloolex told Waluigi in awe after having witnessed the statutory instigator’s fighting skill firsthand.
“Wah, thank you, Bloolex! Waluigi has seen his fair share of skirmishes in his day, so the ones we treated those dopey Luff Soldiers to back there were nothing Waluigi can’t handle! You were pretty impressive with your halberd-fighting capabilities yourself!” Waluigi complimented Bloolex’s fighting skill in response, a delightful smile decorating his face.
“I’m glad to hear that, Mr. Waluigi! That means all the lessons I’ve been taking from Swordmaster Bloopcelot have been paying off! Now let’s head up north from Podiforme Trench, past Vegemite River and up Gingerbread Path to get to the entrance of Rumblebump Volcano!” Bloolex suggested as he began to take the lead, with Waluigi once again motioning his flock of Paratroopas to follow the Blooper Retainer. The Paratroopas nodded in understanding and began to fly forward, pulling Waluigi’s cloudy chariot as they did so.
“Just another day in the wacky life of Waluigi…” Waluigi thought to himself as he let Bloolex guide him through the lush vegetized plains that went past the aforementioned Vegemite River. The purple troublemaker couldn’t help but have a bad feeling about whatever traps and bad guys could be awaiting him and his new travel companion. If Hatesong Tower was already a challenge to get through, Waluigi hated to think what Rumblebump Volcano and any of the other ghastly perilous places he was going to have to cross were going to be like.
Soon enough, after traversing the dangers of the Vegemite River and the Gingerbread Path, Waluigi and Bloolex managed to make it to Rumblebump Volcano. Looking up at the towering mountain of fire and brimstone, the pair then looked back at one another.
“This is it, Mr. Waluigi. Our first stop in our quest to liberate the Waffle Kingdom from the evil forces of the Luff Empire. Are you ready for this?” Bloolex asked Waluigi with a stern and alert glare.
“As ready as Waluigi will ever be, Bloolex. Let’s head in there and show that dreadful serpent Wah-for!” Waluigi declared as he triumphantly held up his whip.
Smiling as Waluigi’s declaration boosted his morale, Bloolex likewise held up his halberd in triumph. “Alright then, off we go! For Bloopin’!” The Blooper Retainer cried out before him and Waluigi proceeded to enter Rumblebump Volcano. Upon entrance, the pair saw a large network of paths and lava pits in front of them. Lava Bubbles were patrolling the area, and Koopatrols made of hardened caramel armed with lollipop-like swords were also walking around.
“Wah, it’s hot in here…Let’s make this quick and grab that first piece of the Circle of Lightning so we can get out of here as quickly as possible, alright, Bloolex?” Waluigi suggested as he was fanning himself from the intense heat of the inside of the volcano.
Bloolex nodded in agreement, clicking his non-visible tongue affirmatively. “Sounds like a plan to me, Mr. Waluigi! Let’s clear out any baddies Minister Crêpe has stationed around here while we’re at it, since anything he can use against us in our final battle with him is best taken care of now than never!” He suggested the purple-clad nuisance.
“Waluigi’s starting to like the way you think, Bloolex! Let’s-a-go!” Waluigi grinned and pumped his fist before the pair started making their way through the ghastly volcano dungeon ahead of them, clearing out Minister Crêpe’s minions as they did so.
After clearing the first room of Rumblebump Volcano, the duo arrived at the second room, where they were met with a Banzai Bill Blaster that fired Banzai Bills made out of butterscotch. There were also muscular anthropomorphic tigers made out of white chocolate armed with large clubs made out of rock candy patrolling the ledges in between the lava pits inside the room, as well as Luff Soldiers armed with muskets that shot harmful doses of ice cream sprinkles patrolling the narrow ledges on the volcano walls leading to the next room of the volcano.
“Wah, looks like things are really starting to get hot under the collar for us, Bloolex. Better prepare yourself for a blazing bust-up of these baddies.” Waluigi advised his Blooper companion, to which Bloolex nodded his agreement once more.
“No kidding, Mr. Waluigi. The further we venture into this volcano, the steamier the challenges ahead of us will become. But an adventure is never fun if it’s too easy, am I right?” Bloolex gave his ten cents on the matter, tilting his head in an inquisitive manner as he did so.
“Waluigi supposes you’re right on that end, Bloolex. But we don’t have time to float around here shooting the breeze with one another, we have a serpent to vanquish.” Waluigi replied as Bloolex nodded in response once more before the dynamic duo went forth to take care of the traps and evildoers that stood in their way.
Using the Waluigi-themed Spiny Eggs hidden away inside his Waluigi Cloud, Waluigi took out the Banzai Bills that were fired at him and Bloolex, and used his whip to tangle up the white chocolatey anthropomorphic tigers before hurling them into the lava pits nearby. Meanwhile, Bloolex used his halberd to slice up the Luff Soldiers as well as squirting ink in their faces to blind them, allowing him and Waluigi to take the Luff Soldiers out with ease. Because of their teamwork, the pair soon enough made it to the third room of the volcano.
The third room of the volcano consisted of a grand staircase divided into five lanes of steps, each with their own unique set of traps and enemies spread across on the heroes’ way to the top. Assessing the situation, the pair inquisitively hummed as they tried to think of a plan to overcome this next obstacle.
“How are we to find the right path up that stairwell, Mr. Waluigi?” Bloolex asked the lanky mischief-maker with a curious tilt of his head, giving him a long look.
“Hm…If Waluigi’s interactions with his cowardly rival in green taught Waluigi anything, it’s that you should pay close attention to subtle hints that let you know you’re going the right way with tricky stairs such as these…That said, just follow Waluigi’s lead and you’ll be fine.” Waluigi assured Bloolex before instructing his Paratroopa flock to simply fly up the stairs, in which the Paratroopas faithfully did so, and Waluigi threw Waluigi Spiny Eggs from his Waluigi Cloud at the enemies that wandered the flights of stairs along the way so that they wouldn’t prove to be a nuisance later on. Bloolex followed right behind Waluigi, and sooner than later, the pair had made it to the top of the staircase with little resistance or struggle.
Bloolex sweatdropped in embarrassment as he realized how simple yet anti-climactic that solution was. “I should’ve known that it’d be that simple…” The Blooper Retainer groaned in embarrassment, his pale cheeks turning a shade of red out of shame in the process.
Waluigi chuckled a bit at his ally’s embarrassment. “Don’t worry about it, Bloolex. It happens to the best of us at times, even to Waluigi.” He assured the Blooper as he gently pat his head to make him feel better, which did seem to work as Bloolex snapped out of his embarrassment soon afterward.
“Yeah, I guess so. Well, let’s not waste any more time than necessary and go confront that serpent!” Bloolex stated with newfound courage and confidence as he triumphantly raised his halberd into the air before heading through the entrance at the top of the staircase that led to the boss chamber. Waluigi and his winged turtle-like steeds promptly followed suit, and the heroes soon found themselves inside the boss chamber, which consisted of a grand circular pool of lava.
Waluigi then proceeded to hop out of his Waluigi Cloud and walked up to the edge of the lava pool, where Bloolex was already waiting for the boss to make his appearance. The room then began quaking, the lava in the pool beginning to ripple from the tremor.
“Wah-Oh!” Waluigi and Bloolex exclaimed in unison, fearing what was about to happen next. As an orchestral piece began to play, the Vile Serpent, Venomvander rose out of the depths of the lava, revealing himself to be an Eastern Dragon without any visible arms or legs. The upper half of his head as well as his entire backside were covered in dark green scales, while the lower half of his head as well as his entire front side were covered in dark yellow scales. His eyes were rather large, and his plum-colored pupils were the size of basketballs.
Shaking off stray drops of lava off his skin, Venomvander let out a pterosaur-like screech before grinning at his prey menacingly. “Muahahaha! So! Challengers have come, haven’t you?!” The serpent inquired his prey, who silently scowled at him in response, with Waluigi brandishing his whip as he did so and Bloolex brandishing his halberd respectively.
“Assuming you have come here to take my share of the Circle of Lightning from me, I’m afraid I can’t let you do that! Minister Crêpe has entrusted me to guard said share of the Circle of Lightning, and I won’t let him down in doing so!” Venomvander then declared fiercely, with Waluigi and Bloolex still silently in their battle stances.
“Not really ones for words, aren’t you? Very well, enough talk then! Have at you!” Venomvander spoke before letting out another pterosaur-like screech and engaging the heroes in battle. The serpent initiated the first attack by spewing out venomous chunks of brimstone from his mouth that began raining down on Waluigi and Bloolex.
“Take this, Mr. Eyeballs!” Waluigi triumphantly declared as he used his whip to send the brimstone chunks flying back at Venomvander, who let out pained screeches in response. The serpent then erupted an agitated screech as he began to swing his head at the heroes in an attempt to swipe them off their feet.
“Super Blooper!” Bloolex then yelled out before slashing away at Venomvander’s head using his halberd, to which the serpent again responded with pained screeches before pulling back his head once more, catching Bloolex off guard and causing the Blooper Retainer to fall over on his back while Venomvander agitatedly screeched once more.
“Wah-nderful! If we keep this up, we should have that beast relinquish its share of the Circle of Lightning in no time!” Waluigi declared as he used the Magic Wings he obtained in The Overthere to fly up towards Venomvander’s face, with the serpent spitting out venomous lumps of saliva at the purple troublemaker as a means of defense. Waluigi managed to dodge these, however, before promptly carrying out a series of skillfully performed strikes of his whip on the head of the scaly beast.
After enduring this pummeling, Venomvander roared at Waluigi, the impact of the roar being strong enough to send the towering agitator flying back, towards the ground where he landed with a soft thud. Quickly shaking his head, Waluigi leapt back onto his feet, ready to continue fighting.
“Nice going, Mr. Waluigi! I think we’re halfway through draining the life force of this oversized reptile!” Bloolex called out as he began to dodge venomous rocks that Venomvander spat from his mouth before sticking his halberd into a stray rock that landed on the ground and using his halberd to smack said stray rock back at the serpent like a tennis ball, striking the beast in the head once more as he exclaimed in pain.
“Wah-xcellent! Wah-n more strike from Waluigi should have that serpent packing his bags!” Waluigi gleefully exclaimed before taking flight with his Magic Wings once more, aiming for Venomvander’s head as he did so. The serpent tried to defend himself by spitting out more venomous lumps of saliva at the menace in purple, but his efforts proved to be in vain as Waluigi successfully flew up to the serpent’s head and performed another series of skillful whip strikes, which was enough to fell the beast as he let out an agonized screech before slinking back into the lava pool he resided in and relinquishing the piece of the Circle of Lightning he had been assigned to guard by Minister Crêpe.
The piece of the Circle of Lightning began to gently float towards the edge of the lava pool as Waluigi gently descended towards the ground and landed in front of the piece, with Bloolex rushing over and eyeing the piece in awe.
“Bloo-rah! We defeated the monster and obtained the first piece of the Circle of Lightning!” Bloolex cheered happily, with Waluigi grinning in delight and nodding in response.
“Wah-ha-ha-ha! We got it!” Waluigi happily exclaimed as he proceeded to grab the piece of the Circle of Lightning and held it up triumphantly as Bloolex happily hopped up and down in delight.
“And so, Waluigi, with the help of his stalwart companion, Bloolex the Blooper Retainer, defeated the Vile Serpent, Venomvander in the heart of Rumblebump Volcano and obtained the first piece of the Circle of Lightning, the artifact that acts as the key to defeating Minister Crêpe and restoring peace and prosperity to the Waffle Kingdom. But there are more pieces of the Circle of Lightning hidden across the continents of the Waffle Kingdom, along with more of the evil Minister Crêpe’s dreadful Luff Empire to take down. Yes, Waluigi’s adventure has only just begun…”
We then find ourselves at Waffle Castle in the capital city of the Waffle Kingdom, Waffledam. Queen Eclair and her husband, King Nutmeg were locked away inside a chamber in the highest tower of Waffle Castle. Queen Eclair was a human woman with chocolate brown skin, olive brown wavy hair that turned into curls at the end, mint green eyes and wore a feminine crown made of gold that was decorated with diamonds, rubies, sapphires, pearls and green jade on her head along with a mint green gown that had white sleeves and gloves going all the way up her arms towards her shoulders, completing the outfit with a golden talisman that had the royal insignia of the Waffle Kingdom worn around her neck as well as a pair of mint green ankle boots.
King Nutmeg was likewise a human man with chocolate brown skin and raven black hair that he kept in a style akin to the one Ludwig von Koopa and Madame Flurrie kept their own hair in. He also possessed raspberry colored eyes and wore a masculine crown made of gold adorned with emeralds, rubies and diamonds along with a dark blue dress shirt with a dark gray waistcoat over it, pairing this with a pair of dark gray tweed pants, light brown ankle boots and white velvet gloves.
Queen Eclair was weeping from where she was sitting, with King Nutmeg kneeling down next to her and rubbing her back to comfort her. “The people of the Waffle Kingdom are probably hurt…All of the castle’s staff are imprisoned…The Waffle Kingdom will probably be plunged into an eternal disparity at the rate things are currently going…” The Queen lamented, tears rolling down her cheeks as she did so.
“Come now, Eclair, my dear. Please do not feel so down because of the predicament we currently find ourselves in. I’m certain that the heavens have heard our prayers of hope and have answered them by sending us a valiant knight of justice that will bring down the evil Luff Empire and reseal Minister Crêpe back into his tomb.” King Nutmeg assured his wife in a soothing tone of voice, continuing to rub her back in an attempt to comfort her.
“Yes…I suppose you’re right, Nutmeg, my love…I suppose that whoever this valiant knight may be, they must have learned of the existence of the Circle of Lightning and is currently gathering the pieces that were formed after Minister Crêpe shattered the Circle and spread them across the Waffle Kingdom…So we must remain hopeful until that knight arrives to rescue us all…” Queen Eclair nodded and smiled at her husband’s reassurance, wiping away whatever tears were still in her eyes and on her cheeks.
King Nutmeg smiled as his wife also smiled, glad that his efforts to console her worked. “That’s the spirit, my darling. Is there anything else that I could do for you to make you feel at ease at this very moment?” He asked her in a gentle and friendly tone of voice.
Uttering an inquisitive hum as she thought it over, Queen Eclair soon came with a suggestion. “Would you please sing me the song that Mr. Hayzee performed for us at our wedding? It brought me such peace and joy back then, and I’m certain it could bring me peace and joy again now.” She requested with a smile.
“Anything for my honeybun.” King Nutmeg smiled before he stood up and walked to the middle of the room before he began to sing Hayzee’s song, titled “Unchained Chomp-Lody” for his wife. Queen Eclair smiled soothingly, her husband’s beautiful singing voice calming her wuthering mind for the time being.
Moving over to the throne room of Waffle Castle, we see Minister Crêpe, using the body of Waluigi as a vessel, sitting on King Nutmeg’s throne. In this form, Crêpe mostly looked similar to Waluigi, except with skin made out of crêpe and menacing glowing red eyes. He also wore a crown resembling the Red Royal Sticker on his head, along with a crimson red dress shirt with a charcoal black waistcoat over it, charcoal black dress pants, crimson red ankle boots and white gloves with the insignia of the Luff Empire embroidered on them.
A Klaptrap made out of crêpe was curled up on Minister Crêpe’s lap, purring happily as the evil Minister was stroking its back in a similar vein to how Ernst Blofeld would do the same with his pet cat in the James Bond films. A coy smile rested on Minister Crêpe’s face as he basked in the glory of his successful reassembly of the Luff Empire and the ensuing takeover of the Waffle Kingdom.
Crêpe then uttered an evil laugh. “My newly rebuilt Luff Empire and the Waffle Kingdom to rule with an iron fist, it’s absolutely wonderful. Nothing could possibly ruin my good day now.” The sorcerer mused to himself, keeping the coy smile.
“Attention, attention! Incoming call for His Malevolence, Minister Crêpe!” An automated voice chimed as Minister Crêpe’s face shifted into a confused pout, followed by an inquisitive hum. Lowering the view screen he used to carry out these video calls, he proceeded to answer it.
A long, purple elf-like creature wearing yellow clothes and sporting long, pointy ears and burnt orange eyes appeared on the view screen once the Minister answered the call. “Vice Minister Plummer, what is it?” Minister Crêpe questioned his second in-command with a curiously raised eyebrow.
“Minister Crêpe, I have bad news. Someone has infiltrated Rumblebump Volcano, wiped out all of our forces stationed out there, vanquished the Vile Serpent, Venomvander and stolen the piece of the Circle of Lightning we had assigned him to guard.” Vice Minister Plummer informed Minister Crêpe.
Gasping in disbelief upon hearing that, Minister Crêpe became angered. “What?! How?! Why?! Who could possibly be impertinent and strong enough to challenge our regime over the Waffle Kingdom?!” He asked his loyal lackey in an enraged tone of voice.
“According to our spies, that would be a lanky man dressed in purple and glimmering white who constantly refers to himself in third person, while also bearing a great resemblance to the vessel you currently use, Your Repulsiveness.” Vice Minister Plummer informed his master, nervousness decorating his face and tone of voice.
“That Waluigi rascal?! That’s impossible! I killed him before I took his body for myself!” Minister Crêpe bellowed as he slammed his fists down on the arm rests of the throne he currently sat on.
“Well, regardless of how this “Waluigi” came back to life after you first took it from him, my liege, I think it’s of importance that we slow down his progress and prevent him from claiming the second piece of the Circle of Lightning we have hidden away on the Strudel Continent, in Chateau de Framboise.” Vice Minister Plummer suggested, both to defuse his master’s peppery mood and to plan out a strategy to stop Waluigi.
“That’s perhaps for the best, yes. Be sure to warn the guardian of the Circle of Lightning piece stationed over there to prepare themselves and their troops for Waluigi’s arrival, should he somehow be powerful enough to make it all the way there.” Minister Crêpe ordered Vice Minister Plummer, recomposing himself soon after his lackey made this suggestion.
“Understood, Your Touchiness. Informing our garrison stationed at Chateau de Framboise and the surrounding areas of the Strudel Continent of the situation at hand as per your order.” Vice Minister Plummer affirmed his master’s order before the view screen faded to black, and Minister Crêpe raised the view screen back up again.
“So, that annoying purple buffoon thinks he can take his revenge on me for killing him and taking over his body by chipping away at my newly rebuilt Luff Empire, does he?! Well, he’s got another coming!” Minister Crêpe said to himself before laughing evilly.
Holy macaroni, what an exciting start to this next chapter of Waluigi’s quest to defeat Minister Crêpe and get his revenge for killing him and using his body as a vessel! I originally wrote twenty-five pages for this month’s issue and decided to wrap things up there because the story was getting too lengthy for one mouthful, but turns out I had gone so above and beyond with my writing that even ‘Shroom Staff found twenty-five pages to be too big for one mouthful, so I had to narrow it down to the eleven pages worth of writing that you’re looking at now! But don’t fret, for the second part of this story will be shown in next month’s issue, and then we’re gonna look at the third part of the story play out in August’s issue, so Waluigi’s adventure is far from over!
Random Video Analysis
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| Video by: | prodigy dude |
| Publish date: | October 4, 2018 |
| Views: | 928,969 (as of May 19, 2025) |
| Likes: | 77K (as of May 19, 2025) |
| Type: | Action, comedy |
Greetings everybody, and welcome to Random Video Analysis, a section where I find a random YouTube video and talk about it! As this issue is the Villains Special, I've decided to analyze a video showing an epic showdown with a hero and villain! Well, this isn't so much an epic battle as it is hilarious. The video I chose is Obi Wan steals Anakin's studs, one of the many meme videos about the duel between Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith. Fans of LEGO Star Wars will get a kick put of this one!
Perhaps I should've done this one for May (you know, Star Wars Day?), but it would've looked like I was secretly supporting Team Sci-Fi during the 'Shroomfest... aw well. It's perfect for this too!
What's it about?
The video starts off with Obi-Wan Kenobi saying "It's over Anakin! I have the high ground!" The camera cuts to show both Obi-Wan and Anakin Skywalker, before getting a close-up of the latter, who declares "You underestimate my power!" There is then a cut to Obi-Wan, who says "Don't try it." Anakin then leaps towards Obi-Wan while yelling, attempting to attack him. Obi-Wan then strikes at Anakin with his lightsaber, cutting off his legs. He screams in pain as his upper half rolls towards the lava, dropping studs along the way. Obi-Wan looks towards his enemy, who groans in pain. As this happens, a heads-up display (HUD) of Obi-Wan appears at the top left corner of the screen, showing all four of his hearts, a LEGO version of his head and a stud counter.
The Jedi Master then walks away from Anakin, collecting some studs as he goes. He then kneels down to the ground to pick up a purple stud, causing the text True Jedi to appear in the center of the screen before fading away, accompanied by the signature sound effect of reaching the stud goal, like how it is in the LEGO games. Additionally, the gauge affiliated with the True Jedi rank shows up at the top center of the screen in its completed state, lighting up in a line pattern. As Obi-Wan continues walking away from his defeated foe, the camera zooms out to show Anakin, who is now burning. He still groans in pain, but now a HUD of Anakin appears on the top right corner of the screen, showing a LEGO version of him burning in realistic fire. He is at one heart remaining, pulsing at a faster pace. Anakin slowly reaches out towards Obi- Wan, collecting a brown stud as he does so. When Obi-Wan disappears from view, the screen suddenly changes to show blue text reading "Obi Wan stole ANAKIN'S STUDS" in front of a space background. The text then fades to new text, reading "Edited by PRODIGY.EXE". During the closing credits, the ending theme of Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith plays. The video then ends.
Interesting observations
- When Anakin rolls towards the lava after Obi Wan slices off his legs, he drops six white studs, four brown studs, two blue studs and one purple stud.
- In the LEGO games, characters drop studs when they die (break apart). In this video, Anakin drops studs even though he's still alive. This may be because part of his body "broke off" of him.
- Before the credits play, Obi Wan ends up with 12,350 studs, while Anakin has 100. One white stud is left unattended and disappears.
- Not all scenes of the battle are shown. For example, Anakin's "I hate you!" is not present.
- Obi-Wan and Anakin's LEGO portraits are surrounded by a blue circle and green circle respectively, making them seem to be player 1 and player 2. This is true for the LEGO games.
The Triple A Gang Rob the Mushroom Kingdom Bank
It's a beautiful day in the Mushroom Kingdom. The temperature is a nice 70° Fahrenheit, with occasional nice, gentle breezes and no clouds in the sky. There's also a feeling peace in the air; likely due to the absence of Bowser and a majority of his minions ever since that strange vortex suddenly appeared in the sky and vacuumed them all up. Oddly enough, Mario, Luigi and Princess Peach, hailed as the heroes of the kingdom, aren't around as well because of that same vortex. Despite the disappearances, everything remained civil in the Mushroom Kingdom. The remaining Toads carried on with their daily lives as if nothing disastrous happened.
Of course, tranquility never lasts forever. There's always bound to be trouble somewhere!
In the lush greenery of the Acorn Plains lies the remaining remnants of a fortress previously inhabited by Boom Boom. Located beneath the rubble is a secret trapdoor leading to an underground hideout. This hideout is where the troublesome Triple A Gang live! All of their stolen loot and valuables are contained in this very area: The Triple A Gang's lair is also decorated to their likings; numerous "WANTED" posters capturing their rather ordinary looks are stacked on one side of the spacious room, and two king-sized beds separately colored orange and purple respectively take up the space opposite of the posters. A well-kept brown sofa with enough room for two lies on the opposite side of the stairs leading to the trapdoor. Directly in front of the sofa is a table with a large flat screen TV plugged into a nearby electrical socket, perfect for entertainment. It's the perfect place for criminals to hide from the law!
It's been two days after the Triple A Gang's previous heist at the Koopa Bank. At the moment, two of its members inhabit the lair: Ant Trooper Biker Annie and Anglefish The Kingfin. Both are happily napping without a care in the world. Biker Annie's sleeping in her purple bed on her side, gently snoring. The Kingfin floats in his tank, blowing bubbles that rise to the surface everytime he snores. Their slumber is soon to end, as Armad Rough n' Tough suddenly rushes down the stairs in a way that makes it seem he has a sugar rush going on.
"KINGFIN! ANNIE! You won't believe it!" excitedly yells Rough n' Tough as he enters the hideout.
The two other gang members slowly open their eyes and stretch their limbs, having been awakened but not started from their peaceful rests. Biker Annie yawns and drowsily speaks.
"Oh! Hiya Rough n' Tough. What's got you so excited?"
The Armad jumps up and down as if he's on a trampoline. "There's a mega popular pop star in town! She's holding a concert right now!"
Upon hearing this, Biker Annie and The Kingfin are snapped out of their tiredness.
"That sounds delightful! Can we still afford tickets?"
Rough n' Tough stops hopping and holds out one of his feet, shaking "no". "Up-bup-bup-bup! Sorry Annie, we ain't headin' to such a gaudy attraction."
Biker Annie frowns and looks down to the ground.
"Oh. Then why were you -" She is interrupted before she could finish, causing her eyes to widen in surprise.
"Isn't it obvious? All the Toads in the kingdom are attending! Do you know what this means for us?"
Annie and Kingfin turn to face each other for a second before turning back to Rough n' Tough.
"Uh -"
"There'll be no one around to watch the Mushroom Kingdom Bank! Well, there'll still be Toads at the desks and such, but without all those prying eyes we'll be able to rob the bank in the blink of an eye! Plus, that pesky plumber Mario still hasn't returned! Remember how successful our last mission was?"
Everything has a bright side! Biker Annie's disappointment vanishes in a snap before asking a question.
"Um... Luigi's gone too. You haven't forgotten about him, have you?"
"Whatever. Come on gang! That bank isn't gonna rob itself! Annie! Kingfin! Make for the motorcycle!"
"Yay!"
"BLBLBLBLBLB!" burbles The Kingfin.
The Triple A Gang are back in business! Rough n' Tough rushes outside as quickly as he could. The Kingfin, however, is stuck inside his fish tank. Being the kindhearted one of the group, Biker Annie generously carries the container atop her back as she climbs up the stairs and passes the doors. Now outside, Rough n' Tough uncovers Annie's purple motorcycle from a nearby bush before shaking off all the leaves and twigs on it. The Ant Trooper places The Kingfin's fish tank in the side car of the vehicle, while she climbs on it herself. Already wearing her biker helmet and goggles, Annie attaches her feet to the pedals and starts up the motorcycle before the two drive off to the Mushroom Kingdom Bank. Rough n' Tough rolls alongside them as they progress.
The three arrive in the center of the Mushroom Kingdom, what would have been a bustling locale had it not been for the concert held in the courtyard of Princess Peach's Castle. It resembles more of a ghost town now, except that there aren't any actual ghosts. To describe it more accurately, it seems to be abandoned. Without anyone around, it's the perfect opportunity for the Triple A Gang to strike!
Biker Annie parks her motorcycle in the... parking lot of the bank. While most of the buildings in the Mushroom Kingdom are modeled in the shape of mushrooms, the bank is not. It is square in design, with two large doors in the front and glass completely covering the wall facing the parking lot. All other walls are solid and lack windows. A large sign above the doors reads "BANK" in orange. Anyways, The Kingfin's fish tank remains in the side car, but the other two members are now on foot. Rough n' Tough uncurls and stands on all fours again.
"How do you roll so much and not become dizzy afterwards?"
"I have no idea. Maybe Armads just avoid dizziness in general? It'd be pretty awkward if we did. But let's focus on the task at hand! We've arrived without any issues. Just look at this place!"
All members look up at the bank in wonder, mouths (except for The Kingfin) open wide. In just a few moments, the Triple A Gang will find themselves even more rich! All that's standing between them are walls.
"Wow... It's even more impressive up close!"
"Blblblb!" The Kingfin calls to Biker Annie. She walks over to his tank. Rough n' Tough hears quiet burbling from The Kingfin, and he's pondering on what he could be telling to the Ant.
"What's he telling ya, Annie?"
Biker Annie turns around to speak to the Armad before facing the Anglefish again.
"OK, got it! He said "BLBLBLBLBLBLB!""
"Yeah I know that, but what does it translate to?"
"I'm not sure, I don't speak submerged Anglefish... but he did give me this."
Biker Annie turns around to face Rough n' Tough, now with a piece of waterproof paper in her mouth. It's the plan of the heist, drawn by The Kingfin during the 3-minute trip to the bank.
Just from glancing at this amazingly detailed paper, Rough n' Tough was quick to come up with a conclusion on how this would go.
"Ah, so The Kingfin wants me to sneak in through the side vent. Once I get in, I'll make my way towards the safe and break it open."
The Kingfin scowled at Rough n' Tough, making angry burbles as he did so. Turns out one crucial part was left out.
"Oh, and Annie will go inside and distract everyone with her adorableness. Heh, how did I forget that?"
"That looks to be what he's trying to say! I commend him for making this helpful document so quickly."
The Armad sweats a little bit from embarrassment. Now it's his turn to receive something from the leader, as he's called over with a hearty "Blblblblblb!"
"Eh? You want to see me, boss?"
Rough n' Tough runs over to The Kingfin to see what he has to offer him.
"Ohoho! These will do nicely..."
Biker Annie looks in excitement on what her friend received: two small trinkets that require an explanation.
"Ooh! What are they?"
"Kingfin gave us both waterproof earpieces so we can communicate at any time. Once I blast the safe through the wall, I'll let you know so we can escape pronto! We're all gonna be filthy rich!"
"I'd prefer if we were all cleanly rich, but you can't always get what you want."
Rough n' Tough equips one of the earpieces.
"Alright gang! Ready for this epic -" Before Rough n' Tough could finish his pep talk, he turns to Biker Annie, who is munching on cookies. To her side is a plastic cookie jar filled with more of the same cookie kind. Now the eager Armad is perplexed. "What in the world?"
Annie finishes a cookie and licks the crumbs off her lips.
"You know what goes great with robbing banks? Cookies. Does anyone want one? They're chocolate chip, the chewy kind!"
"Where'd you even get them?"
"I always keep them stashed in my helmet! It's airtight, so they never ever become stale."
Without saying anything, Rough n' Tough takes the jar for himself and devours all the cookies inside it. This displeases the nice Ant Trooper.
"Hey! Sharing is caring. Don't hog them all for yourself!"
The hungry Armad speaks with his mouth full, spitting out crumbs everywhere. "I'm an Armad, not a hog!"
When he returns to eating the remaining cookies, Biker Annie smiles before revealing another jar full of cookies from her helmet.
"At least I brought backup jars! You can never bring enough snacks with you."
After finishing the jar, Rough n' Tough discards it and makes a declaration:
"Alright! Let's get down to business. Annie, you're the lovable cutie of the three of us. Go! Put your natural talent to good use. NOW!"
Biker Annie stands motionless, as her feelings have been hurt by Rough's bossy tone of voice. She's very sensitive to loud, unpleasant noises.
"Your tone... I don't like it."
"What?"
"It's, um, unpleasant."
Rough n' Tough groans.
"Alright. Do it... please?"
"..."
The Armad has no choice but to act far sweeter than he's used to. He attempts to put on his best puppy dog eyes and speaks softly.
"Pretty pleaaaaaaase?"
Biker Annie nods her head.
"That's better. You need to treat others how you'd want to be treated. It's a valuable moral I learned from watching —"
Before where the moral was learned from can be told, Rough n' Tough rolls his eyes, hands Biker Annie her earpiece and shouts.
"I don't have time for this! Make like an ant and march in there already!"
"Eep!"
Startled, Annie quickly picks up the empty cookie jar and walks as fast as she can to the bank's entrance, which isn't very fast for an Ant Trooper. Rough n' Tough adjusts his blue scarf to resemble a bandit's handkerchief before rolling to the eastern side of the building, where a vent just so happens to be.
"What kind of architect would put a side vent here? Did these people want to get stolen from?"
The determined Armad breaks through the vent covering and successfully enters the ventilation system. Biker Annie simply walks in through the entrance, as the front doors are automatic. The Kingfin on the other hand just casually waits in his fish tank. Unfortunately for him, this isn't a water-related task.
Once Biker Annie enters, the first thing she does is dump the crumbs from the empty cookie jar in the garbage before tossing the plastic container in the recyclable bin. The interior of the bank is about the same size as a lobby of a fancy hotel. There are comfy benches near the solid walls and three desks straight ahead of the doors. Three Toads in suits serve as receptionists behind the desks. The floor is entirely carpeted in black, with Super Star patterns repeating throughout. It's odd to see star patterns in the Mushroom Kingdom Bank.
As expected, there's nobody else inside but Annie and the three receptionists. That must be one heck of a concert to make popular places deserted! As Biker Annie makes her way to the middle desk, she whispers quietly to herself:
"OK. I just have to distract everyone. I've done it before, so this should be a walk in the park. Er... bank."
The receptionists have fallen asleep due to the lack of customers. Once Annie is near the center desk, she rings the accompanying desk bell. In a flash, all three Toads spring wide awake.
"Hello! How are you today?"
"Oh! A customer? We haven't had any all day thanks to -" Before the middle Toad could finish, he notices Biker Annie as the "customer". Suddenly he has the excitement from drinking five cups of coffee. "OH MY GOSH AN ANT TROOPER?! Your species is so rare!"
His sudden reaction causes the Ant Trooper to step back in shock, and also get the attention of the other two receptionists. All three Toads leave their desks to admire Annie, who definitely wasn't expecting this at all to happen; she was used to everyone finding her cute, but not like this. These levels of energy are comparable to a child has just meeting their favorite cartoon character in-person.
"She's so cute!"
"Please autograph my wallet!"
"Oh, I really wish I could, but I have no arms. Sorry!"
"Awwwwwww..."
They're distracted all right! The Toads then calm down and return to their desks, wide closed smiles still on their faces.
"Ahem, sorry about then. You're the first Ant Trooper I've ever seen in person! And you've got the most soothing voice..." The middle Toad gets back on track after losing his train of thought. "What can I help you with?"
"Nothing! I just thought hardworking folks like you three deserve some attention today. Would anyone care for a chewy chocolate chip cookie? They're delicious!"
Biker Annie brings out her second cookie jar from her helmet. Without hesitation, all Toads reach in it and grab one cookie each. It's now the left Toad's turn to speak.
"Awwwwwww! You're such a sweetheart! Taking time out of your day to brighten up the day of others... we appreciate it!"
The receptionists eat their respective cookies in joy, giving out content "Mmmmmmmmmm"s as they scarf them down. Right after putting her cookie jar away, the right receptionist gets a turn to talk to Annie, giving her something special as well.
"You're the sweetest and most good-natured soul we've had in a long time! Don't tell the princess this, but you even rival her in terms of kindness. Please, take this Golden ? Block, it's on the house! It contains precisely one million coins inside!"
Biker Annie takes the Golden ? Block and carries it on her back before the giver continues.
"We did have ten times the amount of coins in our large safe, but we used up all of them to repair Princess Peach's Castle from Bowser's most recent attack. Let me tell you, that wacko nearly demolished the place! Fixin' up Royal property ain't cheap. Anyway, just strike that block and all its coins will come flyin' out! Please do it someplace else though - we just tidied up."
"Your generosity is greatly appreciated sir. I Thank you from the bottom of my heart!"
Biker Annie winks at the three, causing them all to squeal in delight before fainting. The plan worked for her, maybe too well. The Ant Trooper's eyes are wide in bewilderment.
"Oh dear... this is not what I had in mind."
Based on how they received Cuteness Overload, they'll be knocked out for quite a while. With her mission complete, Biker Annie exits the bank with her "stolen" block of riches. Now outside, she activates her earpiece to contact Rough n' Tough, who's still making his way through the vents.
"Roughie Toughie, come in!"
For Rough n' Tough, there was so much nothing for so long, and now all of a sudden he's contacted when he leasts expects it? Naturally this'd make him jump but due to the limited space he just has his heart racing.
"AHHH my goodness! You nearly gave me a heart attack Annie! This better be important."
"I have something special! Meet me back at the entrance."
"What do you mean "something special?" And what was with that embarrassing moniker? Call me by my actual name from now on, OK?"
"I got a Golden ? Block! Please just come on back, there isn't anything in -"
Conversation over apparently! Rough n' Tough has his eyes on the prize however, and doesn't trust his polite friend. Little does he know what awaits him...
"Something special, I'll show her something special - untold riches! That block probably has like 100 coins or something. Nowehere near what I really want."
After two more minutes of navigating the tight vents, Rough n' Tough discovers another vent cover and rolls through it, knocking it loose. Now he finds himself in a large straight hallway painted entirely dark gray. Behind the Armad is a normal-sized door, indicating that this room is behind the main lobby. At the end of this hallway is a steel door. Surely the safe's behind it!
"Huh, that was way easier than I expected. I thought there'd be lasers or something. Aw well, I'm not complainin'!" Rough n' Tough mutters to himself as he walks towards his destination.
"Stop right there, Buster! You're under arrest!"
Looks like this isn't as easy as the Armad expected it to be. Four Toads dressed in security guard attire swiftly leap down from the ceiling, impeding the progress of the criminal. Of course there'd be guards in the largest bank of the Mushroom Kingdom, no matter what may be going on outside!
"Ugh! Spoke too soon..."
"Whew... we've been waiting up there for so long, we're kinda relieved to see someone here. But you're going down!"
Rough n' Tough ain't intimidated in the slightest. In fact. he only grows more confident and determined. He's built to battle against anyone who stands in his way!
"Don't you guys get it? I’m the bowling ball, you’re the pins!"
The Armad curls up into a ball and rolls directly at the Security Toads with the force of a truck moving at 200cc. They're all knocked high in the air and out of the way. Injured, they groan in pain. "Ow... you're tougher than you look."
"Strike! My name isn't Buster by the way. You're the ones who're busted!"
Leaving them behind, Rough n' Tough smashes through the metal door as well, bringing himself to the grand safe room. It contains the large safe, obviously!
"Happy day, I've hit the motherlode!"
There's just one problem - the safe is located on top of a large slope with no visible stairs. The Armad then realizes the struggling he's about to face.
"YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!! Who puts a steep slope leading to the safe?! How did they know?! Is this some sort of anti-Rough n' Tough slope?"
Ah, slopes. The one weakness to Armads everywhere. Whenever they step on one, they roll straight down against their will, even if they're walking.
"Unfortunately for you, ramp, I know the way of the Spindash - Armad style! AHHHH..."
Rough n' Tough tries all his might to reach the peak, but he slides down when he's this close to succeeding. This is going to be more difficult than he anticipated.
20 minutes later...
"Huff... hah... almost... there!"
After about fifty attempts, Rough n' Tough barely makes it up. Perhaps it was his persistence and resilience that got him here. With that out of the way, it's finally time to unlock the safe! Er... break it open rather.
"Finally... I’ve done it... now all of the contents are - - huh?!"
There's nothing in this safe! The Armad grows flustered and panics, checking every nook and cranny of it multiple times.
"Why - - I - - how - - what?! Nothing?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
In the midst of his distress, he hears footsteps from behind. They're from the Security Toads from earlier. Looks like they've somewhat recovered.
"Oh yeah. Forgot to mention: the safe is completely empty. We were gonna tell you earlier, but watching you struggle to scale that slope kept us entertained. Go home now, nothing to see here. Literally."
Another guard speaks, rubbing it in.
"There were stairs by the way. Oddly enough, they're found behind the slope. A very baffling design choice, I know."
Feeling glum that the heist was all for nothing, Rough n' Tough sadly walks back the way he came.
Meanwhile, outside the bank, Biker Annie and The Kingfin are snacking on cookies, patiently waiting for their buddy. By now, the sun is now setting, providing a beautiful yellow-orange cloudless sky. After finishing a cookie, Annie starts to get worried about her friend, unaware of what he had to go through.
"Oh dear, I hope Roughie Toughie is doing alright. That last transmission ended so suddenly - did something happen? Should I contact him again?"
The Kingfin shakes sideways, as if to say "no".
"You're right. Judging by his surprise and grouchiness before, I don't want to risk upsetting him again."
Hearing distant foorsteps, the two turn to face the bank. From behind a corner comes Rough n' Tough, with visible disappointment in his eyes.
"Hey! There he is."
The Armad raises his head and notices his fellow members. He repositions his scarf and trots over to them, reluctant to inform them of their seemingly first failed heist.
"Oh my gosh, you won't believe what happened. There was nothing in that doggone safe!"
Biker Annie and The Kingfin just stare at Rough n' Tough, unphased. Not the reactions he was expecting.
"But it wasn't a failure. Look what I - -"
Once again, poor Annie gets interrupted the Rough n' Tough, who is now complaining.
"This entire crime was a failure! We'll have to rob another bank soon, I'm thinking we should visit the Sprixie Kingdom..."
As he rambles on and on, Biker Annie grows annoyed. She kindly tries to tell him the truth.
"I don't believe that's neces-"
"...This has been the! worst! Heist! Ever!"
Rough n' Tough is bawling now with crocodile tears. Tired of always being talked over and ignored, Biker Annie has had enough. It's time for her to speak up!
"ROUGH N' TOUGH! WILL YOU PLEASE LISTEN TO ME?!"
The Armad suddenly stops and looks at his friend in shock. He had never heard the Ant Trooper shout like that - ever. Where did she get that energy from? Annie calms down and looks a little surprised herself. She clears her throat:
"Sorry. I'm not used to shouting... those friendly receptionists gave me all of the coins they had. This Golden ? Block is said to release one million coins when struck! One million coins may seem like nothing compared to ten million, but all of us need to appreciate the little things in life. One million coins doesn't seem so little to me though! That's a victory in my book."
Still in shock, Rough n' Tough now feels a sense of humiliation.
"I can't believe it - Annie pulled off a heist while I didn't!"
"Don't be so hard on yourself. We're a team! Working together is what we do, not competing with each other."
No response from Rough n' Tough. He stares blankly at the horizon while Biker Annie continues.
"This all could have been avoided if you just listened to my advice. Always assume the best from your friends!"
Annie smiles at the dumbfounded Armad. He sighs before turning to face his friend.
"You're right Annie. I was so focused on getting the nonexistent gold that I didn't listen to you. I apologize for actin' so rude to ya earlier... and for munching on all the cookies."
That's all she needed to hear - acceptance. Before replying, the grateful Ant Trooper giggles.
"I knew you were a softie!"
"Uh-heh-heh..." Rough n' Tough blushes in embarrassment, looking around awkardly. He then notices the fainted bank receptionists through the glass. "Wow-how-how Annie! I didn't think you had it in ya!"
Annie also glances at the Toads and quickly corrects her friend.
"No, silly! They're only unconscious. They fainted from my cuteness!"
"So, you didn't beat them up?"
Biker Annie shakes her head "yes". The Kingfin enthusiastically hurries the gang to get back home.
"BLBLBLBLB!"
"You said it! Let's all go home and relax."
Annie places the Gold ? Block in the motorcycle's sidecar alongside The Kingfin's fish tank and hides her spare cookie jar in her helmet and equips her goggles. She then gets on her motorcycle and starts it up. Rough n' Tough sees this as a great opportunity for his evil laugh.
"Now's the perfect time for my evil laugh! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
The Kingfin burbles alongside him, but they both stop because Biker Annie was silent.
"Annie, you're supposed to laugh with us!"
"Oh, oops. (quietly) Ahahahahahaha..."
"Eh, we'll work on it back home. Let's go, gang!"
And so concludes another heist for the Triple A Gang! They depart for their lair back in Acorn Plains. Biker Annie and The Kingfin travel by motorcycle, while Rough n' Tough rolls alongside them into the sunset. They've successfully stolen from another bank and further increased their riches. Will the Triple A Gang continue to rob places blind, or will they eventually find themselves in jail? What'll happen once the Mario Bros. return? Will there be more cookies? Such exciting questions with no answers to them! Only time will tell what happens next...
Too Bad, Storytime!
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Additional writing and character dialogue: Hooded Pitohui, Boo1268, and DryBonesBandit
The Most Dangerous Gameshow
"HEY HEY, KANAMORI! IT'S YOUR OLD PAL TELLER VISION! SO, HOW ABOUT THAT MEGA BRAWL 3? SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD RIGHT ABOUT NOW, EH?"
"You've asked yesterday, two days ago, three days ago, and for a consecutive fifteen days total!" The phone practically vibrated as one Sayaka Kanamori shouted through the receiver. "The board will reconvene when scheduled. Call this line again and you'll be charged by the second!"
"WHAT A STICK IN THE MUD! DOES NO ONE ON THAT BOARD BUT ME REALIZE WHAT A SHOWSTOPPER THAT WAS, FLAMBÉ?" the TV-headed host asked, addressing the oversized flamingo plush slumped over in the corner of the room. "LOOK, THIS IS HOW BORED I AM. I'M TALKING TO A STUFFED ANIMAL HERE. SOMEONE BETTER ANSWER THAT AD I PUT OUT FOR A PERSONAL ASSISTANT! A STAR OF MY MAGNITUDE DESERVES ONE!"
For a spotlight chaser like Teller, being involved in the production of the second Mega Brawl was the biggest success of his robotic existence. The showdown of all those fighters brought in even more viewers than the first, and the ratings were exactly what he had dreamed of. But, like most things, it soon faded from public attention, and with no follow-up in sight, Teller was starting to go stir-crazy trying to find something else to occupy his time.
His attention turned to the Magiblot figurine on his desk - merchandise that had sprung from the very event he was so desperate to see return, in fact. With a flick of his finger, it went flying across the room and crashing into the wall. Apparently, it was a frequent habit of his to relieve boredom if the many scratches on the figurine and marks on the wall were any indication.
"I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS! THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING I CAN DO TO KEEP MY CIRCUITS FROM ROTTING," Teller said to himself, drumming his fingers on the desk. Suddenly, an idea came to him, putting a devious sense of joy back into his toothy grin. So what if he didn't have any network backing? He had the resources and talent to pull a new show off all on his own. The audience would eat it up, no question!
Of course, even a glory hog like Teller knew full well that no show is complete without a production team. Luckily, he already had someone perfect in mind for the job - he'd previously conned an unsuspecting flamingo named Florida into signing a binding contract, and by golly, he was going to cash in, so he decided to make a little unannounced visit at the bird's houseboat.
"HEY FLORIDA, HOW'S IT GOING? DON'T ANSWER THAT, I DON'T ACTUALLY CARE! LISTEN, I GOT A BRAND NEW SHOW IN THE WORKS AND I NEED YOU FOR THE PRODUCTION CREW!"
"YOOOOO, Teller dude, what's up man? A show, dude? That's LIT bro, I'm totally down for that bro. Just give me a quick sec ta grab my krill bucket brah so we's can have some krill for the road dude... Wait, holds up, can you even eat krill dude?"
"FLORIDA, BUDDY, PAL, THIS IS BIGGER THAN KRILL! YOU KNOW REDWOOD RESERVE, RIGHT? WE'RE GONNA DROP TEN GUYS IN THE FOREST, SPLIT THEM INTO TEAMS, AND MAKE THEM COMPETE IN CHALLENGES TO WIN BIG PRIZES! CAN YOU FEEL IT, FLORIDA? CAN YOU FEEL THE RATINGS?!"
"Yeah, sure dude, I can 'feel the ratings' brah. So like, can I still grabs my bucket bro or should we's just go?"
Teller's grin faltered slightly, unsure if Florida was truly appreciating his genius and the inevitable results. "YEAH, YEAH, BRING YOUR ROADTRIP SNACKS. I'M NOT PAYING FOR ANY ON THE WAY."
"Alright dude, I'll fill it up and then we's head off!"
With all the production details smoothed out, Teller made his way to scenic Redwood Reserve with Florida in tow. The breathtaking views and fresh air would be appreciated by most who came, but Teller couldn't care less. For him, it was a convenient site for his next gameshow, and nothing more.
For the time being, he wasn't doing much of anything, having sent Florida off to go prepare campsites for both teams. A star like him, after all, couldn't be expected to take on menial labor! That's what the "production crew" was for. No, he had the much more important duty of waiting for his contestants to be dropped off. He tapped his foot impatiently as he checked his wristwatch, ready to get on with the show.
Eventually, after what seemed like forever to the impatient host, an armored truck pulled up nearby, and a Tryclyde sporting distinctive black scales with white markings got out of the driver's seat.
"IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU SHOWED UP!" Teller's voice boomed, slightly more obnoxiously loud than usual. "THEY CALL YOU THE VANISHER, YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO VANISH MY TIME TOO!"
"If you are sssssso disssssatissssfied with our sssssservicesssss, perhapsssss you ssssshould remember how crucial you sssssaid thisssss wasssss to your ssssscheme," The Vanisher's middle head hissed, followed by additional commentary from the leftmost head. "Bessssidesssss, we were only five minutesssssss behind ssssssschedule."
"FIVE MINUTES THIS, FIVE MINUTES THAT! EVERYONE'S GOT THEIR EXCUSES. YOU'RE LUCKY I DON'T CARE ABOUT MONEY OR I WOULD'VE DOCKED YOUR PAY! ANYWAY, DID YOU BRING WHAT I ASKED?"
"Yessssss, ten prisssssonersssss, jusssssst assssssss you asssssssked. Nothing too ssssssssspecial, but sssssssufficient."
"...DO YOU GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO SAY AS MANY WORDS WITH AN 'S' SOUND IN THEM AS POSSIBLE? GENUINE QUESTION."
The Vanisher shrugged nonchalantly. "It'ssssssssss a sssssssssspeciessssssssss hazzzzzard."
"ALRIGHT, WELL, JUST STOP TALKING AND SHOW ME THE GOODS. IF THE CAMERAS WERE ROLLING, I'D HAVE TO CUT HALF YOUR DIALOGUE TO SQUEEZE THIS IN BETWEEN COMMERCIAL BREAKS."
The Vanisher complied with Teller's request, going to the van and unlocking the back doors. Ten former inmates stepped out, varying in size, shape, and species, including... a chicken?
In disbelief, Teller took a minute to look at the peculiar black and white chicken, trying to make sure he was seeing what he was seeing. "BUDDY, THAT'S A CHICKEN."
"Yesssss, well... Take it or leave it," The Vanisher replied. "Our job issssssss finissssssssshed."
Just then, Florida returned from his grunt work.
"Heya dude, just finished setting up the camps man. Now are we ready to get things started Teller dude?"
"OH, FLORIDA, YOU'RE JUST IN TIME TO MEET OUR CONTESTANTS!" he said, then pointed a gloved hand toward the strange chicken. "DO YOURSELF A FAVOR FLORIDA, LOOK THAT CHICKEN IN THE EYE. THE INTENSITY OF THE STUPIDITY THAT'S LOOKING BACK AT YOU IS JUST AMAZING!"
"Wait dude, I recognize that chicken, man! In fact, I recognize ALL these dudes! DUDE! THEY'RE CRIMINALS, MAN! Why the heck do we have criminals as our contestants, dude?"
"DON'T YOU GET IT, FLORIDA? TEN CRIMINALS WITH FREEDOM AS THE ULTIMATE PRIZE FOR THE WINNER! THE EXCITEMENT! THE DRAMA! IT'LL BE LIKE NOTHING THAT'S EVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE ON TV!" Teller beamed, getting lost in his own thoughts for a moment before turning back to his new contestants. "HMM... NOT SO SURE ABOUT THESE BRIGHT ORANGE JUMPSUITS, THOUGH! CHOP CHOP FLORIDA, GO GET SOME NEW CLOTHES FOR THESE GUYS. CAN'T HAVE SOME NARC PASSING THROUGH AND SHUTTING DOWN PRODUCTION!"
"But like, Teller dude, is this even legal man? Won't we gets in like some serious trouble man?"
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! JUST GET TO WORK. REMEMBER, YOU'RE UNDER CONTRACT!"
"Alright, whatever dude, your funeral man. Alright dudes, I'll go get your clothes man, you dudes just chill out and has a good time. In fact, here."
Florida then reached into his krill bucket and pulled out popsicles that were kept cool by the fresh bucket water. He handed them to the inmates as he stretched out his long legs and went back to the camps.
"Well, that's somethin you don't see everyday, ain't it lads?" the Koopeleon said as he turned to talk to his fellow inmates. "Now, I suppose introductions are in orda, 'ey govna? Seein' as how yer the one that freed me alongside me fellow chums."
"RIGHT YOU ARE, LITTLE LIZARD! WELCOME, CONTESTANTS, TO REDWOOD RESERVE SURVIVAL! I'M YOUR HOST, TELLER VISION, AS SEEN IN HIT PRODUCTIONS SUCH AS WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE AND MEGA BRAWL 2! HERE'S THE DEAL, THE TEN OF YOU CRIMINALS HAVE A CHANCE AT A NEW LEASE ON LIFE! YOU'LL BE SPLIT INTO TWO TEAMS AND COMPETE IN A SERIES OF VARIOUS CHALLENGES DECIDED BY ME, ELIMINATING YOUR TEAMMATES ONE BY ONE AS YOU INEVITABLY FLOUNDER AND MAKE FOOLS OF YOURSELVES! THE LAST ONE STANDING GETS THEIR FREEDOM, AND THE REST... WELL, YOU CAN PROBABLY GUESS WHERE YOU'LL BE GOING BACK TO!" Teller explained, laughing to himself. "NOW THEN, WHILE MY LITTLE MINION'S OFF GETTING WARDROBE SETTLED, HOW ABOUT WE GET SOME CAST INTERVIEWS TO START THINGS OFF!"
First up for interviews was a burly Koopa, sporting a brown mustache and goatee.
"SO, WHY DON'T YOU TELL THE AUDIENCE A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOURSELF?"
"They call me Terrakingpin-"
"WHOA WHOA WHOA BUDDY, NO FLASHY NAMES HERE! YOU GUYS MAY BE THE WEDGES ON THE WHEEL BUT I'M THE SPOKE IT ALL TURNS ON, ALRIGHT? KEEP THAT IN MIND."
Terrakingpin looked at Teller with a hint of confusion, but seemed to know enough to just go along with it. "Fine then. It's Al. Mafia boss in forced semi-retirement. Things didn't go too well last time, but I hear there's an opening these days. What I'm saying is, you better watch out, New Wikisburg!"
"ALRIGHT, THAT'S GREAT ALBERT. NEXT!"
The Koopeleon with a Gold Koopeleon's shell followed. Despite him being in a jumpsuit, he was lucky he still looked fancy.
"'Ey there lads, the name's Larco Links Clover. But me fans and friends just call me Lucky." He then grinned a grin so wide it almost rivaled Teller's. "And if ANY of ya lads needs a bit o' the old luck on yer side, just give me a ring. I'll be happy ta lend ya a claw."
"WELL, IF YOU WANT TO WIN THIS, YOU JUST MIGHT NEED IT!"
Next came a Pale Cleft with shiny looking horns. "GREETINGS! I am the most famous artist in ALL New Wikisburg! The master of the Kinetic Aesthetic! The Sinister Smudger! The most FEARSOME villain of ALL TIME! I am Graphite Guy!"
"DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I SAID ABOUT FLASHY NAMES? I MEAN, I GOTTA BE HONEST, THAT'S DOESN'T MAKE YOU SOUND EVEN A LITTLE IMPRESSIVE, BUT COME ON. LEAVE YOUR COMIC BOOK ALIASES AT THE DOOR!"
"Really? Are you SURE we can't just do the fancy names thing? Please? *sigh* Well, if you MUST know, my name is... *sigh*...... James Dunwitty."
"OH. YOU WERE BETTER OFF WITH GRAPHITE GUY, KID."
"WOW, and I thought YOUR name was bad, this is just pathetic!" remarked the metal-beaked cyborg crow as he nudged Terrakingpin.
"Bold words from someone whose head I could crush like a tin can," he replied, clearly seeing no humor in the comment.
"*SQUACK* I-I'll shut my bill now! S-Sorry...."
"Heh. Dunwitty. Say, screen man, you done with he so I can go?" the Gold Goomba asked.
"YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S ENOUGH FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY. YOU'RE UP, FUNGUS!"
"Name's Paul. I suppose I have you to thank for that bumpy ride? Eh, not worth holding a grudge over. I'll probably be freed tomorrow anyhow, but I might as well do this and be released early. Not entirely sure what you want me to say here, monitor man, but I won't be returning to my cell today."
"THAT'S A LOT OF CONFIDENCE FOR SOMEONE WITH NO ARMS! DON'T EXPECT YOUR TEAMMATES TO GIVE YOU A HAND IF YOU FALL FLAT!" Teller added, chuckling at his own joke.
"If I had shoulders, I'd shrug right now. Well, I'll be waiting."
"Hey! Hey!" exclaimed the Jibberjay. "Can I go now? I've been waiting FOREVER while you talk to all these morons who aren't as cool as me, me!"
"WAIT YOUR TURN, BIRDY! YOU'RE NEXT, BANDIT."
"Oh, me? Well, uh, my name's Rob, thief extraordinaire. Some people like to call me the Bandwich, but I've always thought that's kind of a stupid name. Speaking of which, you got any jelly sandwiches? I could really go for one of those right about now."
"WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, A CHARITY SHOP? OF COURSE NOT."
"Okay, he went, now do me next, next!" the Jibberjay interrupted once more.
"FINE, WHATEVER GETS YOU TO SHUT UP."
"The name's Jibber, Jibber! Jibber J. Walker! I'm the best criminal at large! You wanna know what I did? I bet you do, bet you do, but you gotta ask!"
"WELL YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT YOU'RE THE BEST CRIMINAL AND NOT ELABORATE," Teller said, his toothy grin turned upside down from dealing with the annoying avian.
"You gotta say please, please!"
"KID, THIS IS MY SHOW. I DO THE BOSSING AROUND HERE. BUT IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PUSH THE HOST TOO FAR, BY ALL MEANS!"
Jibber shrugged, then a devious smirk emerged on his beak. "I'm a jaywalker! Did it over a hundred times, times!"
"I REGRET EVERYTHING. QUICK, SOMEONE ELSE TALK BEFORE I POUND THIS GUY INTO THE GROUND."
"Hold on, I have a question from one bird-based bad guy to another: how did you get arrested for jaywalking when you can fly?" the cyborg crow asked.
"'Cause I wanted to, wanted to! It's funny seeing people get worked up over it!"
Moving on, the Crowborg, almost entirely mechanical parts except for his head, properly began introductions. "Ahem, HELLO FOLKS! My name is Rook Beak the Crowborg. I'm the manager and host of some of the best podraces in ALL the galaxy! Alongside that, I'm a professional droid builder and seller, and professional gambler! If you ever want to be a part of my extravagant podraces just come find me! Sure, some people might call them 'illegal', but when is something fun ever NOT tied to a bit of danger, am I right? *Squack*! In fact, some sticks in the mud consider my races so illegal that they locked me up for the most recent race I was hosting on this rock! Talk about killjoys, am I right? *Squack*!"
"OHO, TOO TRUE!" Teller said, his grin returning to him. "TELL YOU WHAT, I MIGHT HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU IF YOU WIN THIS THING! NO PLAYING FAVORITES THOUGH, NO ONE LIKES A RIGGED CONTEST!"
"Yes sir, my good man! They don't call me Rook Beak the Crook Beak for nothing! I'm always down for a 'good deal'. *Squack*!"
Next came the odd little chicken, for some reason. Teller shrugged as he got the cameras rolling again. "I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M BOTHERING WITH THIS ONE."
As the chicken approached the camera and stood in front of it, he soon reached up on his head and pulled off the crest with a squelching rubber-like noise, revealing it to be a red rubber glove that was worn on the penguin's head. It was at this moment that all the villains and even Teller recognized who this was.
"GOOD GRIEF IT'S YOU!" shouted the Cleft.
Teller smirked, pleased that this particular contestant wasn't necessarily a complete dud after all. "WELL WELL WELL, IF IT ISN'T FEATHERS MCGRAW. AND HERE I THOUGHT THIS ONE WAS JUST GOING TO BE DEAD WEIGHT! OF COURSE, YOU MIGHT STILL HAVE TO PROVE ME WRONG."
Feathers McGraw then cracked his knuckles and neck, seemingly showing that he's ready for action as he eyeballed Teller and regarded his comment from earlier about him being dumb. He would regret that, but for now, the stupid Teller Vision didn't seem to notice him eyeing him down.
Finishing the conga line of criminals were a Craw and Sledge Bro, the two of them having insisted to be interviewed together.
"Listen up all ya people watchin' out there on TV! Da name's Crawford, and you better remember it, capische?"
"Yeah. And I'm Sledger. Two of the best guys for the biggest boss around, and now we're back!"
"Yep. Definitely da best! Boss said so, ton a times! Between da two of us, there's nothin' we can't beat in dis little contest!"
"Whaddaya MEAN we're on separate teams?!" Crawford protested. "You can't do dis to us! We've been through thick an' thin together!"
"QUIET! THE WHEEL HAS SPOKEN! DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DEFY THE WHEEL?" Teller said with a wide grin, despite the great offense. It was almost as if he was begging someone to test him.
The wheel was, by all appearances, a simple prop that Teller had constructed for the show. The contestants could clearly see that. But no one seemed too keen to question the towering 7-foot tall TV man who held their fates in his gloved hands.
"DIDN'T THINK SO! NOW LET'S GET BACK TO SPINNING!"
Once Teller was done spinning, Terrakingpin, Crawford, Lucky, Feathers, and Jibber had been assigned to the red team, and Paul, Sledger, Bandwich, Rook Beak, and Graphite Guy had been assigned to the blue team. With that, the criminals went to their respective camps, with varying levels of eagerness to face the competition ahead of them tomorrow.
"OKAY CAMPERS, RISE AND SHINE!" Teller's voice boomed simultaneously from two miniature televisions, each one hovering by propeller in one of the two camps and bearing his signature grin. "IT'S TIME FOR YOUR FIRST CHALLENGE OF... REDWOOD RESERVE SURVIVAL! BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT THIS PARK IS HOME TO A DEFUNCT SPACE RESEARCH LAB! YEP, THEY USED TO LISTEN FOR SIGNALS FROM DEEP SPACE TO TRY AND FIND EVIDENCE OF INTELLIGENT ALIEN LIFE. WELL, EVENTUALLY THE SHROOBS CAME AND SQUASHED THAT WHOLE QUESTION, SO THE CROWN DIDN'T HAVE MUCH INTEREST IN FUNDING SETI ANYMORE! BUT I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT IT'S STILL STOCKED FULL OF ANCIENT STATE-OF-THE-ART EQUIPMENT AND OLD SIGNALS, SO HERE'S YOUR CHALLENGE! GET IN THAT FACILITY AND DIG 'EM UP! THE TEAM THAT BRINGS ME THE MOST INTERESTING SIGNAL AS DECIDED BY ME WINS THE CHALLENGE, AND THE OTHER HAS TO DECIDE WHO'S GETTING THE BOOT! THESE TELLIES HERE WILL KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR PROGRESS AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, RECORD FOOTAGE FOR THE SHOW! LET'S SEE WHO'S GOT WHAT IT TAKES!"
"'Ey, he's got some nerve wakin' us up dis early!" Crawford complained, emerging from his tent and rubbing his eyes. "Da heck, da sun's barely even up!"
"I think he did it on purpose, purpose, just to be annoying! That's funny!" Jibber exclaimed. "Next time I'm gonna see if I can beat him and wake you all up even earlier, earlier!"
"Yeah, you do dat and I'll break your wing."
"Alright, alright, enough arguing," Terrakingpin grumbled. "Let's get over to that base before blue team. I don't know about the rest of you fools, but I intend to win this little show."
"Right-o govna, I agree we should get goin'. But don't worry me lads, we don't need strategy when we've got me!" Lucky said, pointing his tail at himself while giving a boastful smile.
Feathers stretched out his wings and walked out of the tent. He then grabbed a mirror and looked at himself for a while in it. He did look dashing today, despite circumstances. However, one thing was missing... He grabbed his signature glove, and with another squelch, attached it to his head, then looking in the mirror again, combed the glove back with his wing, looking even more dapper than he once was. Now he was ready to go.
Despite red team's boasting, the blue team managed to find their way to the old facility first. Not that it did them much good though, as the old chain-link fence meant to keep out unauthorized personnel was overgrown, but still intact. Trying to get past would take some effort.
"Hmph. If they hadn't confiscated my sledgehammer, I'd be able to make quick work of this. Guess it's time for old plan B," Sledger commented, then began trying to bash the fence with his body to little success.
"Well, while we think of a plan, anyone want a sandwich? I snuck off last night and, heh, confiscated some from some of the other schmucks camping in these woods," Bandwich said, pulling a jelly sandwich from his bag.
"Oooh, can I have one? I'm feeling kind of peckish myself right about now!" Rook Beak replied.
"Guys, we should focus on what's important right now. We need to get through that fence before the others do. I don't think a body slam will work very well... hey Graphite, you're made of stone. You seem the strongest of us all against metal, could you try to get on in?" Paul asked.
"I thought sandwiches were pretty important," Bandwich mumbled to himself.
"Well, normally I would be able to, but alas, I don't believe my graphite body would be a strong enough stone to take this thing down.... BUT WAIT, I HAVE AN IDEA!" Suddenly Graphite Guy turned to Sledger. "YOU, burly brute! I need you to throw me!"
"Let's please keep it civil here, I don't think any infighting helps with victory. Also, I think it's better if Sledger lifts you and I over the fence rather than throwing you alone; that way, there'd be less of a chance to damage you and you'll have support. When we get in, we'll find the goods and leave," Paul suggested.
"A fair suggestion, but DON'T underestimate my art of the Kinetic Aesthetic! For I am GRAPHITE GUY! And besides, we don't have arms."
"Mind lowering the volume there, James? Let's not attract the others to our location. Us having no arms is another issue that presents itself, I see. Hm. Well! Bandwich, do you think you and I could go on in? You could grab the goods, I'll keep us safe, Sledger and Dimwitty can help protect from the outside, and Rook Beak can... Rook Beak, try to find us a way out, eh?" Paul replied, goggles shining in the sun.
"Sounds like a perfect job for me," Bandwich said, rubbing his hands together.
"Umm, sure thing my fungal friend! I'll try my best!" Rook Beak replied.
"Okay, okay, FINE. I guess I, GRAPHITE GUY, the master of the Kinetic Aesthetic, can stay here."
"Stop trying to make that happen, guy. It's not happening," Sledger replied, not caring much for the Cleft's attempts at grandeur.
"BUT I- Oh forget it...." Graphite Guy replied, sounding defeated.
"Alright, sounds like a plan. Sledger, mind giving us a lift please?" Paul inquired respectfully.
Sledger simply replied with a mere "yeah" before grabbing Paul and Bandwich and unceremoniously hurling them over the fence. With a resounding "oof", Paul landed on the other side.
"Alright, let's do this thing," Bandwich said enthusiastically, approaching the sliding metal doors at the entrance. "Now we just gotta... get these open... Hm. Doesn't look like this keypad is working anymore."
"Any windows in sight? We could probably enter through one if any are close enough to our level."
Suddenly, Graphite Guy went hurling through the air, smashing through a nearby bay window.
"Gotcha covered," Sledger said, offering a thumbs up to the others.
"Heh. Nice shot, Sledge," Paul replied, holding in laughter.
"Yeah, but did you have to throw me AT the window rather than over the fence? I mean jeez, I know I'm the master of the Kinetic Aesthetic, but you really put the KINETIC in Kinetic Aesthetic. But even still, now I'm here to provide my services!" Graphite Guy commented before opening the door for the other two criminals to get inside.
"Thanks," Paul replied. "Say, you being here did not fit into the plan, but you'd be perfect for testing for any traps in this lab. You look durable."
"T-traps? What do you mean traps? This place is just a research facility right!? It's not an ancient pyramid!"
"Eh, don't worry about it. Only about a 60-40 chance the Shroobs left something in there that can hurt us. Anyway, shall we?" Paul said as he nudged "Dimwitty" through the open door.
"I-it's fine, there's nothing that I, GRAPHITE GUY, can't handle! So bring it on, strange alien tech! You're no match for the grandest of grayscale art!"
"Just watch where you step. Bandwich, see anything of note?" the golden Goomba asked as he walked inside.
"I don't think we have to worry about traps in here, guys," he replied. "Just asbestos."
"Well, I was only half-joking outside. I don't think there are any traps; however, the Shroobs may have left something that we can recover for this challenge. If we're lucky, we'll find some random dead Shroob somewhere and we can bring it back to surely win."
"Ooooh, or maybe we can find some mysterious alien art! Just think about it! Starry Night with real stars! Or a rendition of a meteor shower with REAL meteors!" Graphite Guy exclaimed.
"Not even gonna explain why that would never happen. Hey, is that something up ahead?"
"Guys, what the heck are these things?" Bandwich said, picking up a couple of floppy disks left on an old desk. "Maybe they do have alien tech here..."
"You should hold onto that. We should keep looking, though; it's still early, there's no sign of the red fellows, and we may find something better. Those'll make a fine back-up."
As Bandwich put away the disks into his bag, the three of them heard a loud crash coming from elsewhere in the building, followed by stomping... getting closer...
"Uh... Guys?" Bandwich said, his palms starting to get sweaty.
"Well, that's not good. We should begin backtracking. Really fast. All the way back over the fence," Paul hastily suggested, his brow quivering.
"I-I-I ag-g-gree, l-let's g–g-go," Graphite Guy said, his voice clearly quivering, all his confidence quickly fading.
Just after the three of them turned tail and fled, one of the doors in the room they were in was pried open, revealing the stomps to be none other than Terrakingpin.
"I can't believe the blue team beat us here! You're all smoke, Lucky," he grumbled.
"Not true govna, besides, we didn't have ta worry 'bout the fence or the door since when we got 'ere it was already unlocked. Pretty lucky, don't ya think?"
"I can deal with a puny little fence or steel door, I can't do much if the other team already got all the good stuff."
"Ooh, look! Snacks, snacks!" Jibber exclaimed. The Jibberjay then picked up one of the remaining floppy disks and attempted to eat it.
"Give me that!" Terrakingpin shouted, pulling it from Jibber's beak. "These must be those signals Teller was talking about. Don't see much of these anymore."
Meanwhile, hiding behind the corner watching these events unfold, Graphite Guy, Paul, and Bandwich began hatching a plan.
"Um, friends, do you think we can take them on or should we scram? 'Cause while I, Graphite Guy, can handle anything, I'm worried they might try to steal our cargo."
"I got a better idea. Bandwich, you get outta here, you've got the goods. Jamesie, you get Jibber away from the others, SECRETLY. I need to see that bird in private," Paul whispered to the sharp stone.
"You got it, boss," Bandwich replied, making a run for it out through the convenient brand new hole in the fence.
"With pleasure. I, GRAPHITE GUY, will get it done." Suddenly, he bolted off, heading in the direction of the Jibberjay and enticing him with a jelly sandwich that Bandwich had handed out earlier. "Here birdie, birdie, here birdie, come get the super sticky and tasty sandwich!" Graphite Guy started shouting at Jibber as he waved the sandwich around then attached it to his horn and started running away.
"What part of 'secretly' do you not get, Granite Guy? Now you've alerted all of them! We gotta scram!" Paul angrily told Graphite, already dashing through the opening in the metal fence.
"Don't worry! Besides, who needs that little bird when we have ME! Plus, I think we already got all the good stuff, so no need to worry!"
Meanwhile back in the facility, the red team managed to finish scouring the place and found little else of note.
"Well, I guess this will have to do," Terrakingpin conceded.
"'Ey, we got one thing goin' for us, boss!" Crawford replied. "All dat old equipment ain't workin' anymore, so dere ain't no way they coulda tested their finds!"
"We couldn't either, but I suppose you're right about that. Maybe we got the good ones through sheer luck."
"Aye, what did I say govna? I told ya we would get some grand loot! All we needed was a bit o' luck! An' you doubted my judgment, but look at us now! I would say all things considered, we came out with a pretty good payload, 'ey lad?" Lucky said, turning to Terrakingpin, reminding him about his comments from earlier.
"Hmph, don't count your chickens before they hatch. This could still turn out to be a load of space junk. Let's just get back to Teller and hope for the best."
"Aye, don't worry govna. I think we're just gonna be peachy keen, 'cause I don't know 'bout you, but we got a fair bit o' luck on our side," Lucky remarked, winking at Terrakingpin to reassure him of their success.
After fleeing from the facility, Paul managed to catch back up with Bandwich on the way back to base camp.
"Hopefully these will be enough for us to win this round," Bandwich said, pulling one of the disks from his bag as an expression of terror washed over his face. "Oh... Oh no..."
"Is that... purple gunk supposed to be there?" Paul asked, catching his breath.
"Umm... I think it's jelly from the sandwiches... I put them in the same bag..."
"...let's say it's Shroob residue."
"Dude, what if he has the flamingo taste it?! Shroobs aren't grape-flavored! I think!"
"If he has that pink fellow taste it, I'd question what that contract had in it rather than curse our luck."
"Well either way, this is BAD! But maybe we can fix them? I am a mechanic after all! *Squack*!" Rook Beak suggested.
"I don't know man, that stuff is hard to get off when it's on sensitive equipment. Speaking from personal experience..."
"Do NOT wash the thingie in water, wipe it off. Then try to fix it," said Paul.
"*Squack* This would be SO much easier if I had my droid cleaning kit, but I guess this will have to do." Rook Beak then opened a small compartment on himself and pulled out a rag, but it seemed to have some weird green oil on it and smelled funky.
"Uhh... Do what you need to do, I got an idea for a backup plan! Here!" Bandwich said, hurriedly tossing the bag at Rook Beak and dashing off. "Stall Teller until I get back!"
Following the jelly incident, the members of both teams returned to base camp to present their findings. Well, most of them.
"WHOA WHOA WHOA! EITHER MY CIRCUITS ARE MALFUNCTIONING, OR YOU GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE FIVE TEAMMATES STILL! WHAT DID I MISS, SOME HORRIBLE ACCIDENT? A BETRAYAL, MAYBE? I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE RECALLED THE TELLIES SO SOON!"
"Is having all team members present a requirement...?" Paul inquired nervously.
"NAH! BUT IF IT'S A GOOD STORY, YOU BETTER DISH FOR THE FOLKS AT HOME LATER! FOR NOW, LET'S JUST SEE WHAT YOU ALL DUG UP, AND WE'LL PLAY IT ON THIS HERE MACHINE," Teller said, gesturing over to a terminal that kind of sort of looked like the facility's old tech, albeit a more rudimentary and slapped together version. "I SCROUNGED THIS BABY UP JUST FOR THIS CHALLENGE, SO YOU BETTER APPRECIATE IT! WHICH ONE OF YOU WANTS TO GO FIRST?"
Feathers looked at the mish-mash machine in curiosity. He figured with the proper tech and parts, he could make it into something more useful. All he needed was a VX-Modulator, but where to find one? That would have to wait, as Feathers raised his flipper signaling for them to go first.
"RED TEAM IT IS, THEN! JUST STICK IT IN THAT SLOT, AND TRY NOT TO BREAK IT BECAUSE I'M NOT GIVING YOU ANY SYMPATHY IF YOU DO!"
Terrakingpin pulled one of the disks from his pocket and put it in the machine. It started playing sounds that, well, no one was really sure what they were. Sure sounded like deep space, though.
"YOU KNOW, IN RETROSPECT, I SHOULD'VE GOTTEN SOME SCIENCE GEEK ON THE SHOW TO INTERPRET THESE. SURE SOUNDS INTERESTING, THOUGH!"
Suddenly, Feathers pushed Teller out of the way and began working like a whiz on the computer. Sure, the keyboard was a bit clunky, but he could make it work. Seemingly with master class the penguin began formatting the sounds into something intelligible, until ultimately it came out with a message that talked about human music and the science of life. And with that, Feathers cracked his knuckles and put his flippers over his head, seemingly as to show the others that he's cool like that.
"Woah there, Feathers! Pushing the host? He should totally take away all of your points for that!" said Paul in a vain attempt to secure victory.
"Nah lad, it's just lucky for us that WE happened ta 'ave a tech whiz on hand, ain't it govna?" Lucky replied.
"NICE HUSTLE, FUNGUS! DON'T THINK I'LL BE DOING THAT, BUT I'LL DO THIS," Teller said, picking up Feathers and hurling away from the machine with little effort. The guy's stronger than he looks. "OH, AND I PROBABLY SHOULD'VE MENTIONED PHOTOSHOPPING YOUR FINDS DOESN'T GET YOU ANY FARTHER! NOT THAT I EXPECTED ANY OF YOU TO PULL THAT... NOW THEN BLUE, WHAT DID YOU FIND FOR THE FOLKS AT HOME?"
Reluctantly, Rook Beak pulled out of the bag a set of floppy disks, half singed by the green chemical that was left on the rag and half covered in jelly stains and some pencil looking scratches, seemingly Graphite Guy's attempt to remove the jelly from the disk.
"WHAT, DID I NEED TO EXPLICITLY SAY BE CAREFUL WITH THEM? I THOUGHT THAT WAS IMPLIED. OH WELL, SUCKS TO BE YOU! YOU BETTER HOPE THERE'S STILL SOMETHING READABLE ON THAT DISK!"
Unfortunately, by now the disk's contents were either reduced to harsh static or just didn't play at all.
"Uhh... sounds like some space noises!" Paul said, mildly shaking.
"SOUNDS MORE LIKE WHEN I FORGET TO DUCK AND BUMP MY ANTENNA ON A DOORWAY TO ME! LOOKS LIKE THE VICTORY FOR THIS ROUND GOES TO-"
"Wait! I'm here!" Bandwich said, rushing up to everyone else and panting heavily. "I... I got something..."
"WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE, FOLKS? A LAST MINUTE TWIST! THIS IS THE KIND OF ENTERTAINMENT YOU GET WITH TELLER VISION!"
"We had a... a little trouble with the disks... but... I recorded them on this phone," Bandwich said, pulling out a phone and playing a recording of what sounded like a vicious alien attack.
"Sounds like a Shroob conflict! Maybe this is surviving audio of the last moments of the facility's use! Surely that's something, eh?" Paul boasted, his confidence restored.
"I SEE, I SEE. THAT CERTAINLY WOULD PUT YOU AHEAD OF THE RED TEAM..." Teller said, his grin somehow appearing more condescending as he tapped his foot. "...IF THAT WERE THE CASE. YOU MUST THINK I'M REALLY STUPID TO PULL A STUNT LIKE THAT! YOUR BANDIT FRIEND HERE JUST RECORDED AUDIO FROM INVASION OF THE UNCOMFORTABLY SLIMY SPACE CREATURES! YOU THINK SOMEONE AS FAMILIAR WITH BROADCASTING AS I AM HAS NEVER SEEN IT?"
"I... didn't see that one. Saw a movie with horses instead though, it was alright," said the glistening Goomba.
Feathers shook his head in disapproval. He had watched that movie himself during the 'Shroomfest and knew it by heart, and was insulted that they would try to use it to win.
Teller snagged the phone from Bandwich and crushed it in his fist. "HOPE WHOEVER YOU SWIPED THIS FROM WON'T MISS THEIR TWO-FACTOR AUTHENTICATION CODES! LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE HIGH AND DRY, WHICH MEANS RED TEAM WINS THE FIRST CHALLENGE!"
"YES! What did I tell ya, lads? We won by the skin of our teeth. That's pretty lucky, don't ya think?" Lucky commented to the rest of his team.
"Alright, maybe I'm starting to be a little impressed," Terrakingpin replied.
"SO, BLUE TEAM! LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CHOOSE ONE OF YOUR MEMBERS TO ELIMINATE FROM THE SHOW! MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME WHO YOU GIVE THE BOOT. HAVE FUN!"
Bandwich gulped, knowing full well that he was heavily responsible for their loss. "So... we're voting out Graphite Guy, right? He's clearly an idiot."
"Those scratches looked like some stone dimwit made them. I'll vote for James, but I have a feeling the others might not." Paul said.
"Well I, GRAPHITE GUY, am not to blame for our failure! In fact it's all that Crook Beak's fault! If it weren't for his green stuff burning the disk we would have won!"
"*SQUACK*! ME!? ARE YOU KIDDING!? I was ONLY trying to help our team win, besides it's not MY fault the disk got dirty in the first place! It's, um... it's.... IT'S HIS FAULT!" Suddenly Rook Beak pointed a robotic hand at Bandwich. "If it weren't for his STUPID jelly and his fake recording we wouldn't be in this mess!"
"Just saying, I did what I was supposed to," Sledger added. "Jobbers."
While Graphite and Rook screamed at everyone else, Paul moved closer to Bandwich. "Hey, I don't think you'll make it out of this pickle. You did what I suggested though, and I'd feel bad if you went back to your cell. I'll try to get you outta there soon, 'kay?"
"Thanks, dude..." Bandwich said, still nervously wringing his hands.
"I'm sorry, also I, GRAPHITE GUY, did try to help! But don't worry, once this is all over I will BUST YOU OUT of prison myself!"
"...my plan does not involve him, rest assured."
Meanwhile, Teller watched with a delighted expression on his screen. "WHAT DID I TELL YOU, FLORIDA? THIS IS MAGNIFICENT TV!"
"Sure Teller dude, but like, don't you think this is kinda harsh, man? I mean I knows they're criminals and all that dude, but this is kinda mean bro."
"IF YOU THINK THIS IS HARSH, I GUESS YOU NEVER SAW WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE, THEN," he replied with a chuckle.
"Well dude, I won't judge your 'ideology', man. But just know this dude, I don't really vibe with this, man, and neither do the contestants, man."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CARE? RATINGS TALK, YOU DON'T!"
"Hey, bird and bot! We're done!" said "Fungus".
"OH GOOD! SO TELL ME, WHO'S GETTING BINNED TODAY?"
"Sticky fingers is out."
"OOH, TOO BAD FOR YOU, ROBBY! SOMEONE'S ALWAYS GOTTA GO FIRST THOUGH, THAT'S THE WAY THE GAME GOES! FLORIDA, TAKE HIM TO THE HOLDING CELLS."
"Alright, come with me 'Wich dude, we's gots to go," Florida said, then stretching out his wings to grab Bandwich to take him to the holding cell.
"THE REST OF YOU ARE FREE TO GO BACK TO YOUR CAMPS FOR THE REST OF THE DAY! SEE YOU BRIGHT AND EARLY FOR TOMORROW'S CHALLENGE ON... REDWOOD RESERVE SURVIVAL!"
Meanwhile at the red team's camp...
"Y'know, now dat da other team's down a player, I say we lose the next challenge on purpose so dat we can get rid a Jibberjay ova dere," Crawford said to the rest of his teammates.
"I heard that, heard that!" he replied.
"You know, I've been thinking," Terrakingpin said. "Why are we playing by this TV guy's rules, anyway? Of course, I'm confident that I can win anyway, but come on. We go through this whole song and dance and only one of us gets to go free? There's more of us than there are of them. Heck, I could probably take him solo if I wanted."
Feathers nodded to Terrakingpin's idea, but indicated that Florida would be a problem, seeing as how he could stretch his limbs out and catch all of their team meaning they couldn't escape.
"Tch. Him? He's even less of a threat than Teller, as far as I care," Terrakingpin replied.
"Wait, you understood all dat?" Crawford asked.
"Yeah. I... I took a pantomime class. Once. Don't spread it around."
"I haveta agree with the govna. If we just work together, we can take Mr. Tella Vison down, and thankfully I got a way we can escape!" Suddenly Lucky pulled out two sets of keys. "Florida dropped 'em while he was takin' Bandwich away to the slammer. This one for the cell, an' THIS one's to our weapons stash." Lucky then smiled. "Pretty lucky, eh? So what I was thinkin' is that after we beat up Tella, we rescue Bandwich and then we use our weapons to take down Florida."
"Hm, that really is lucky," Terrakingpin replied.
"Hey, ya know Sledger and I go way back. I can go over to da other camp and get dem in on dis," Crawford said.
Feathers did a thumbs up, showing he agreed with this plan.
"Then let's do this," Terrakingpin said, grinning and showing off his gold tooth. Crawford nodded and ran off towards the blue team's camp.
"Psst. Sledger. You dere?"
Sledger emerged from his tent and looked around. "Crawford? That you?"
"Ova here!" he said, waiting for Sledger to approach. "Listen, da red boys got a plan..."
Crawford explained the whole deal to the Sledge Bro, who was more than willing to be on board with it. After getting all the details down, he went to pass on the message to his remaining teammates.
"So that's the plan. What do you think?"
"Well, from a conman's perspective, I have to say... This is PERFECT! Besides, in my book we're just outplaying him at his own game, so I'M IN! *Squack*" Rook Beak replied.
"Well I, GRAPHITE GUY, also agree. With our talents combined, we can surely take down that TV terror! So I'm in!" Graphite Guy proclaimed.
"Hm. So, you want to rebel? I'm in, as long as Terrakingpin throws the first blow. I don't want this to be a con to get us in trouble," said unofficial leader Paul.
"Nah. I trust Crawford on this, he's good people. I mean, he's bad people, but he's good bad people. You know?" Sledger said, starting to regret trying to say so many words.
"Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't think Crawford would lie to you. I don't know if whoever told Crawford of the plan was honest about the intentions, however. That's why I'm suggesting that Terrakingpin draws first blood; that way, we know they mean it."
"Okay. I'll tell 'em."
The next morning, the Tellies returned to camp, once again absurdly early. Considering the length of the challenges, Teller was definitely just getting a kick out of waking up the contestants. "OKAY CAMPERS, RISE AND SHINE! TODAY'S CHALLENGE IS GONNA BE A GOOD ONE! YOU KNOW THAT BIG OLD LAKE AROUND HERE? WELL, TURNS OUT LOTS OF GOOD STUFF SINKS TO THE BOTTOM! WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER GO FOR IT? BEATS ME, BUT TODAY, YOU WILL! THE TEAM THAT BRINGS BACK THE MOST VALUABLES WINS THE CHALLENGE, AND HERE'S A BONUS INCENTIVE! WHATEVER YOU FISH UP, THE WINNER GETS TO KEEP! PRETTY GOOD DEAL, RIGHT? SEE YOU SOON!"
Unbeknownst to Teller, the contestants had their own plans in mind. They all arrived at the lake on the pretenses of participating in the challenge so as to not throw off suspicion, and got to work doing some diving. After all, even if they weren't going to be finishing the show, it couldn't hurt to have some loot to take home with them, right? Teller was right, some pretty valuable stuff had fallen into the lake over the years, some of it clearly having been here for a long time. Soon it would be finding its way into the villains' personal funds, or at least local pawn shops. Feathers in particular took advantage of the challenge, scrounging up a few gears still in usable condition for his own personal projects.
"AND THAT'S TIME!" Teller's voice boomed simultaneously through the onlooking Tellies hovering above the lake. "BRING YOUR LOOT TO BASE CAMP AND WE'LL SEE WHO WON!"
With everyone gathered, it was time for the villainous uprising. Before Teller could even get a word in, Terrakingpin rushed him, slashing his claws against the host's screen, leaving some pretty nasty looking cracks.
"AHAHA... YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU JUST DID, DO YOU? I LET YOU BE ON MY GAMESHOW AND YOU RESORT TO THIS ON DAY 2?" Despite everything, Teller's grin remained unfaltering. "WE'RE FINISHING THE SHOW."
"Technically, this is day three. But, that's not important," said Paul, grinning. "What is is that we've voted to eliminate early. And it's a unanimous vote; you're out."
"Sorry Teller, from one conman to another, you should have seen this coming," Rook Beak said.
"OH, BELIEVE ME, I'VE SEEN THIS MOXIE BEFORE! IT'S ONLY A SHAME FOR YOU THAT YOU DON'T HAVE THAT CREW'S SKILL," he said, firing back with a punch to Terrakingpin's nose that sent him staggering backwards.
"Alright, guys, time to put one last object at the bottom of the lake!" exclaimed Paul. "Get'em!"
"*SQUACK* TAKE THIS!" Suddenly Rook Beak, using his mini torch attachment, burned the metal connecting one of Teller's arm joints, thus removing his arm in the process.
"OH. WELL THEN. YOU'VE HEARD OF HYDRAS, HAVEN'T YOU?" Teller said, just before a mass of cables came from his shoulder forming a new arm, followed by a bonus one sprouting from his back. "ON SECOND THOUGHT, LET'S JUST MAKE IT EVEN!" He laughed maniacally as three more followed, making him resemble something out of a comic book.
"That doesn't look very good. I'd suggest going for the antennae; he mentioned he went to static whenever he hits them on something, maybe that'll stun him? Anyway, I need someone to help me free Bandwich; I got no arms," the gilded Goomba said.
"I'll help, help!" Jibber exclaimed, swooping for Teller's head, only to miss his primary target and violently jostle one of Teller's antennae. The unexpected result was that an even sleazier mustache appeared above his sleazy grin.
"HOO-WEE! I RECKON WE'RE 'BOUT TO HAVE US A SHOOTOUT, FRIENDS!" Teller said, now speaking with a thick cowboy accent. More cables formed pistols in all six of his hands.
"Dang it, Jibber, have you done anything useful?" Paul dashed to cover.
"I'm trying, trying!" Jibber replied as Teller fired off a volley of non-descript metal chunks at the rebelling villains.
"Y'ALL CARE TO STAND DOWN YET?"
"Keep going then. Can someone get the key to the cell? I think Teller has it on him, and I'm not leaving Bandwich caged."
"I got ya covered, lads!" Lucky shouted as he threw the jail cell key to Paul. "'Ey Jibber, help Paul free Bandwich, we got this bloke covered!"
"Are you kiddin'? With all dat hot lead flyin' around? Dat's crazy!" Crawford shouted.
"Sledger, it's time for I, GRAPHITE GUY, to show off my Kinetic Aesthetic! So now YOU MUST THROW ME!"
"Okay." Sledger grabbed Graphite Guy again and hurled him at Teller - once more hitting his antenna. His screen changed to depict his normal grin once more, only now in glowing shades of purple.
"I WISH YOU ALL A VERY UNPLEASANT EVENING," he said before re-adjusting the antenna himself to bring him back to normal, apparently not too fond of that change. "CAN YOU GUYS STOP HITTING THOSE? HOLY FARNSWORTH!"
Whether that was what they were going for was debatable, but at least it got Teller to stop using the pistols. Terrakingpin rushed him again to engage him in more melee combat, finding the TV-headed host a surprisingly formidable opponent.
"Why won't you just go DOWN already?" he growled.
"OH, I WAS BUILT FOR THIS, ALBERT! SPEAKING OF THAT, YOU'RE ALL REALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES. DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH WORK I HAVE TO GO THROUGH TO GET REPLACEMENT PARTS THESE DAYS?" Teller complained, once again shaking off the mafia boss, though having one of his spare arms pulled off in the process.
Suddenly, Feathers lunged onto Teller and rapidly began punching and clawing at his face and neck, almost like a wild animal, causing a significant amount of damage to the TV robot.
"Sorry lad, looks like your luck ran out! Alright Feathers, let 'em go, we beat him up enough," Lucky said.
But he didn't stop, he kept clawing and tearing at Teller ruthlessly, so much so that even the other villains became disturbed at Feathers' aggression. Even the big bad Teller was reduced to begging for mercy, but he wouldn't get any.
"OKAY, SO MAYBE– –HAD THIS COMING. SAY, HOW– –WE FORGET– –HAPPENED AND– –GUYS JUST GO?– –TAKERS?" Teller said, attempting to communicate through bouts of intermittent static from the damage Feathers was causing.
This was it, time to take revenge for all the humiliation, all the anguish. As Feathers continued tearing at his body, now aiming for his throat, it was time for this loud mouth to SHUT UP!
"Gah, that's brutal. Just like the birds in the movies," Terrakingpin commented.
"Hey, back with Bandw- well that's a sight," said Paul, now with a jelly stain on his scarf.
"What the HECK did I miss?!" Bandwich shouted, witnessing the carnage.
Then with one final plunge, Feather ripped out Teller's voice box. Freed from Feathers' grip, Teller staggered backwards, realizing that, to his horror, his attempts to talk now only resulted in unintelligible mechanical sounds.
Then Feathers slowly made his way towards the scrap heap computer and dismantled it, then he began to construct a machine using all the parts he had, right in front of the villains' eyes. The VX-Modulator, Teller's voice box - this was the final tool needed to complete his device, and with a few final clicks and sparks he finished it.
He then adjusted the frequency of the device as it began spouting out Teller's voice. "NOW LET'S SEE IF I CAN- get the frequency right -on this device. Ah yes, perfect." The voice coming out of the machine no longer sounded like Teller's, it had been warped and twisted to sound just like how Feathers would sound.
"Ahem, testing, testing, am I coming in LOUD and clear?" Feathers said to his team.
"Possibly too loud," said Paul.
Feathers made his way over to Teller, now speaking to him. "Well, well, well, look who's finally the mute one now. I do have to thank you for having this part on hand. It is very good to have quality parts in this day and age. But anyhow, I just have one thing to say. Did you really think you could get away with the things you said and did to me? Did you REALLY think that I, FEATHERS MCGRAW, wouldn't seek vengeance? Well now here we are, all of us about to dismantle you permanently. When you can't talk your way out, all you can do now is look in a way that's with... how did you put it again?... 'The intensity of the stupidity that's looking back at you'? Well now who's the stupid one looking intensely back at ME, huh? Whatever, the time for talk is over. Gentlemen, do what you wish with him, I don't care. But you Jibber, come with me, we have weapons to gather."
"Birds of a feather flocking together! Let's go, let's go!" Jibber replied.
"Here ya are, Feathers me lad!" Lucky said, tossing Feathers the weapons key with a lucky toss, it perfectly landing in Feathers' wing as he passed by.
"Come on everyone, let's leave this fool behind," Terrakingpin said, walking past Teller and deliberately knocking into his shoulder, sending him collapsing to the forest floor. The host didn't respond whatsoever, apparently too dejected to care any longer.
Walking by Teller, Paul dropped his business card next to the hand of the defeated droid, and ran up to Terrakingpin. "Don't think we've been properly introduced, Kingpin. I'm Paul."
"I don't suppose you're looking for work, are you?" he replied.
"Nah. Maybe you'd like to get drinks sometime, though? You seem like a friend someone should have."
"I think I'll have to take you up on that."
"Good to hear. Say, did you see any vehicles on site? We're kinda stranded in this forest."
"There's a bunch in the parking lot by the entrance," Bandwich chimed in. "I saw 'em while I was sneaking around."
"Ah, nice to hear. Well, it looks like we're all going our separate ways."
Feathers and Jibber then returned with all the bad guys' personal effects in tow. "We have returned. Mr. Terra, I believe this belongs to you," Feathers said, handing Terrakingpin his diamond-tipped cane.
"Ah, I've missed this," he said, rotating it and admiring the way the light shone on the gem. "Now I just need to get suited up again and I'm back in business!"
"Say, did you avians find my hat by chance? I don't like having my forehead showing," inquired Paul.
"Yes, here you are," Feathers replied handing Paul his hat. "Mr. Sledger, Mr. Crawford, I believe these belong to you," said Feathers as he handed Crawford his spear while Jibber struggled to carry Sledger's hammer.
"Haha, come to papa," Sledger said, making holding the hammer look effortless in comparison.
"Now we just gotta deal with dat stupid bird and we're set!" Crawford exclaimed.
"Yeah, we need to keep Florida from talking for as long as we can. That should give us time to make our getaways before 'Flamingbro' gives the police a lead," chimed Paul, with his crimson topper restored.
"Mr. Lucky and Mr. Rook, these belong to you," Feathers said, handing Lucky his cane with a horseshoe attached to it and Rook Beak his dagger.
"*Squack*! Aw yeah, it's good to be back, baby!" Rook Beak replied.
"I second that motion, lad. It's good ta be back with me cane."
"And finally, here you are, Mr. Dunwitty," Feathers said, handing Graphite Guy his pencil-shaped jetpack.
"Ah yes! I, GRAPHITE GUY, finally have my pencil pack back in my possession! Oh, and for the record, it's not Dimwhitty, or Duncewitty, or Dimwhit! IT'S GRAPHITE GUY, OKAY!?"
"Dis guy might be even more annoying den Jibber," Crawford said, leaning towards Sledger.
"He's good for smashing windows with, at least, eh, Granite Boy?" replied Paul.
"IT'S GRAPHITE- OH FORGET IT," he complained as he put his pack on and seemingly gave up trying to correct the golden Goomba.
Suddenly, out from the woods, Florida flew in. "WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED HERE DUDE!?" Florida, being shocked at the scene that laid before him, then turning towards Teller and seeing what had happened to him. "What!? Teller Dude, are you okay!?"
"Uh, well, you see-" Paul exclaimed as he bonked his head against Florida's, knocking the bird out. "Alright, I bought us around ten minutes. We gotta get outta here."
"I, GRAPHITE GUY, concur. And so with that, I bid you all farewell, UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN!" Then just like that, he blasted off with his pencil pack, leaving the other villains behind.
"There goes Dumbwitless. I myself must take my leave, lest my allies come to free me tomorrow to find a vacant cell. Adios, amigos."
Paul handed his business card to Sledger and Bandwich, then turned in the direction of the lot and went off in a sprint.
"Well thankfully I have my Shift Cruiser, I think it'll be here in about 10 minutes, give or take. *Squack* Hey Bandwich, sorry about earlier, you know how the game goes. But I got an extra seat, need a ride?"
"Eh, whatever, no hard feelings. But maybe you could buy me a sandwich."
"I'll get one for both of us, deal? *Squack*"
"Deal."
"Alright, let's head off. Follow me. *chirp*"
"Well, I suppose it's time I take my leave, Jibber. Would you mind carrying me out of here?" Feather asked Jibber.
"Sure thing, sure thing! Let's go!" Jibber said, grabbing Feathers' head with his talons... only to pull off his glove and fly away with it. Whoops.
"WAIT, JIBBER, COME BACK!" Feathers called out to the blundering bird, waddling in his direction fast as to catch up.
Terrakingpin turned to the Koopeleon. "So, Lucky, any chance you're looking for some work? I'm planning to start up operations in New Wikisburg again soon, and you might be just the person I need for it after all."
"Ah govna, I thought ya'd NEVER ask! Let me just say that me an' you, lad? We're gonna take over the town! So aye, I'm down, besides, I think this is gonna be the start of a beautiful friendship," Lucky remarked. "Follow me! I think one of these cars got ta be unlocked. We just gotta get lucky," he added, winking at the Kingpin.
"That's what I like to hear," he said, following him towards the parking lot.
"Hey, you think that offer extends to us?" Sledger asked.
"I dunno... Hey, Kingpin, wait up!" Crawford said, quickly giving chase with Sledger in tow.
A mysterious voice called out to the two as they were running away. "You two are pathetic little maggots. You know that? Following the first guy you can mooch off of. Some 'criminals' you two are now, do you wanna be bloodsuckers or do you wanna draw some blood?" The accusations and authority caught the mafia members' attention.
Crawford stopped in his tracks, causing Sledger to trip over him in comical fashion. "What da?! How long have youse been dere, whoeva you are?"
"Ah yes, allow me to introduce myself properly." The mysterious figure stepped out of the shadows behind one of the trees. It was a Shova wearing a camouflage suit adorned with medals, a scarf, and a professional military grade hat. Even these two incompetent mooks could figure out that this guy meant business.
"My name is General Camo, and you will address me with said title, 'got it shrimps?" Camo said in a drill sergeant-type fashion.
"I feel like we're being set up," Sledger said.
Meanwhile, Teller's screen now only displayed a test card. His show was ruined, and stripped of his ability to talk to boot. For someone whose goal was to chase the spotlight, it was especially humiliating. Of course, he had pretty much brought it all on himself.
As he wallowed in his own self-pity, only now did he register the business card that Paul had left behind. Some nerve he had, after all that. He weakly grabbed the card and stared at it, then shoved it in his shirt pocket.
He would get his revenge. One of these days. After extensive repairs.
Maybe he should've just kept waiting for Mega Brawl 3. In hindsight, perhaps this is why he was just the host and the big shot network executives were the ones who actually put things together. He didn't really think this through, did he?
"Aw my head... That was not cool, man." As Florida awoke and regathered his thoughts, he used his stretch powers to pick up Teller and throw him over his shoulder. "Don't worry Teller dude, I'll help ya out man. Besides, if I don't you might use that 'contractual obligation' mumbo jumbo to make me."
As our victims walked back to base to get Teller repaired, Florida realized that now that Teller couldn't speak, he could give him one piece of his mind. "Hey Teller dude, I know this is a bad time for me to tell you this man, but I'm gonna do it anyway dude... I told you so... Sorry dude, had to be said."
Harsh mechanical sounds came from Teller again. He might not have been able to say any words, but the vitriol was clear nonetheless.
The End
Thanks for reading! I've wanted to tell more stories in The 'Shroom beyond just Shmaluigi and co. for a while, so expect this section to pop up every once in a while (probably shorter than this though). I'd especially like to thank my fellow writers on this one, Hooded Pitohui (Sayaka Kanamori), Boo1268 (Florida, Lucky, Graphite Guy, Rook Beak, Feathers McGraw, and General Camo), and DryBonesBandit (Paul). We had a blast working on this so hopefully you enjoyed it!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 219 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
| Specials | Community Awards Dossier • Classifieds • My Switch 2 Unboxing |
