The 'Shroom:Issue 219/Classifieds

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Written by: The 'Shroom staff

Classifieds

To publish a classified ad, send it to The 'Shroom, 2006 Printer's Plaza, New Wikisburg, or call 1-985-SHROOM (1 c/m)

TRADES & SERVICES

• DUNGEON DAYCARE — Tired of watching over your annoying diaper dummy who can't seem to shut up? Not to worry, just give us a call! Our quick response time is only ten seconds, and we'll take the baby off your hands! We don't even charge! Although you might not get your child the same way, or at all in extreme circumstances...
• ASPIRING ACTOR LOOKING FOR WORK — Can fill any role conceivable, but don't put my name in the credits, slick!
• GRAPE'S DARKLE THEATRE — Want to see your villainous deeds live on stage? Well, look no further! Submit your life story and I'll adapt it into a play performed by only the best actors, the Sour Bunch! I only write tragedies though, so alas, you won't get your happy ending of actually succeeding in your evil plans.
• NEW EMPLOYMENT NEEDED — Two guys with mafia experience looking for work. Performance described by old boss as "adequate" and look good in zoot suits. Giant sledgehammer included.
• CHILL OUT — Summer heat got you down? Offering a chance to cool down your local temperatures. Service includes the presence of a large number of vikings to ensure the process is working. Don't worry about it.
• 
• GOODS APPRAISAL — Unsure about the worth of your valuables, sugar? Bring your sweet stuff to Kitchen Island for a thorough examination.

HELP WANTED

• URGENT DELIVERY — I'm offering 10,000 coins to whoever can deliver a letter to my brother. I haven't gotten around to writing one since I got defeated and he's probably worried sick! How will you get the letter past that door, you ask? You'll figure it out.
  
• GIMME A SWITCH 2 — I gotta get my hands on a Switch 2 to make new microgames, but some chumps bought 'em all up already! Grrr! Now they're asking for ridiculous prices and I'm flat broke. Get one for me and I'll make it worth your while!
• LET ME OUT! I NEED HELP GETTING OUT OF THIS CRAMPED SPACE. BRING TOGETHER ALL 6 COBALT STAR SHARDS TO RELEASE ME BACK INTO THE WORLD. ANYONE WHO ASSISTS WILL BE SPARED DURING OUR INVASION.
• COSMIC SAFE HAVEN NEEDED — I'm tired of my egg breaking all the time! I wanna grow into a big, strong dino, so move my egg to the farthest and quietest edges of outer space. Don't crack it either, or else you'll be punished…
• A PLACE TO SLEEP — I'm just a sleep-deprived plant looking for a quiet and normal place to rest my petals. Somewhere that is NOT the setting of an obstacle course, always under siege by a plumber with water issues or by his hyperactive Koopa Kid nemesis jumping all around the place, especially on your belly! If you have a calm, plumber AND turtle-free room where I can get some good rest, please reach out. My standards are shockingly low at this point, just not that low. From someone who's just trying to nap without needing 1-up Mushrooms.

• FAMILY AFFAIRS

  ARE YOU MY MAMA? Papa lied about a princess being my mama, looking to find my real mama. If you dated a "Bowser", please come back.

SALES

• 
  GLOHM-RAY — Tired of all the unnecezzzzzary attention you've been rezzeiving as of late? Ever want the peace and zzzzolitude you dezzzerve? The Glohm-ray is exactly what you need! End unneeded friendzzhips and get thozzzze annoying acquaintancezz off your back with one blast of this handy device! Satizzzfaction guaranteed. Zee the large green merchant on Zzzlippenglide Island for detailzzzz. All proceedz go to Master Zokket. Lonelinezz is zublime.
• PORTRAIT COLLECTION — Perfect for starting a gallery. Owner is original artist. Sepia pieces on canvas. Includes pieces "Plumber", "Princess", "Scientist", and "Toadstools". Price Negotiable.
• WEDDING SUPPLIES — Looking to get rid of a tux now that my wedding has been called off. Features custom tailoring, matching top hat and shoes included. Size 12X, with wide shoulders. Has slight burnt smell, but comes dry-cleaned. Call Bowser's Castle, extension 13, for pickup instructions.
• MANSION FOR SALE — Selling my sprawling, well-kept mansion with plenty of room for extra houseguests. Stunning architecture, fully furnished with antiques, lovely forest location for ultimate tranquility and seclusion. Dying to sell as soon as possible, and offering well below market value. No strings attached!
  

RELATIONSHIPS

• IN SEARCH OF couples in love who are looking to be married. I will wed you for absolutely free! You have nothing to lose and a happily ever after to gain! Fellas, this is the perfect excuse to pop the question to your special gal! Definitely not trying to wed a specific couple in order to create something that would bring about the destruction of all dimensions or anything. That would be silly...
• BRAZENLY BI SUPERVILLAIN SIDEKICK, 23, seeks adventurous, amorous villain with several domination plans. Looking for a kleptomaniacal king to keep me company. I'm yearning for opportunities away from the evil lair (seeing a movie or causing mayhem, as examples). Come watch me perform at the local stand-up open mic?
• LOOKING FOR COMPANIONSHIP — Lonely dragon looking to create a meaningful friendship with like-minded individual. Likes solitude, lightning, and board games. Lives alone on a spectacular island in atmospheric locale, is a homebody and doesn't like to leave. Wear rubber gloves and rubber boots to keep from getting a shock from the lightning.

LOST & FOUND

• LOST — One talking magic wand with a mustache. Treasured family heirloom. Return immediately!
• 
  HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CAT? If so, do not approach, but hide and call 01-539-KAMEK immediately. I repeat, do NOT approach, he might not be alone.

PROTESTS

• BOYCOTT MINECRAFT — Not in mash-up pack. Game is trash. Thrown in trash can with trashy dragon. Make devs put us back in game. We will march and sign paper. Movie is also trash. I am greater hog.
  

JOB OFFERS

• CATERING SERVICES REQUESTED — In need of a caterer for a meeting of six. Must be able to serve diverse palates including reptiles, crustaceans, and fire. Familiarity with safe food handling during Subspace travel is a plus. Absolutely NO VEGETABLES.
• SPACE-TRAVELING HUNTER NEEDED — I need the energy of those creatures! Bring me those bizarre stars with bunny ears and realistic faces. Simply place any you find outside of my fortress past Barrendale Mesa.
  
• BABYSITTER NEEDED — I require a qualified babysitter to supervise my egg for 2 hours, 43 minutes, and 19 seconds while I meet with some associates. Must work alone.
• PERSONAL ASSISTANT NEEDED — I'm a very important and successful TV host looking for a personal assistant to handle day-to-day menial tasks! Job duties and responsibilities include whatever I say they are, subject to change whenever I say they do. All applicants must be willing to accept a two-year contract. No compensation for premature termination.
• LOOKING FOR A MINION — Alien, Koopa, Shy Guy, I don't care when you'll be folded into origami anyway! You just need to be named Johnson. I have a quota to meet here.

EVENTS

• OPERA CLASSICS — Do you need more culture in your life? Is your day glum with no art or music? Have you lost sight of the true meaning of opera? Purchase a ticket for Phantom's Opera Series, starting with Bizet's Carmen. Doors open at 10:00 p.m. sharp. Bring your own seats for the performance. Food and drink not allowed. Bags will be checked at the door, weapons not permitted. In case of event cancellation, no refunds will be issued.
• FREE OUTDOOR CONCERT — Attend an ensemble performance featuring the traditional sounds of Donkey Kong Island. Sure to be a mesmerizing time!

HOUSING

• ROOMMATE WANTED — Seeking roommate with independent personality. Must be comfortable with long stretches alone and tolerate indoor flowerbed. Arrangement will feel like a perfect world to introverted dreamers!
• RENTERS WELCOME — Rental property available atop Hotfoot Volcano. Building recently renovated from top-to-bottom. Excellent views of the Mushroom Kingdom and spacious living quarters at affordable price. Furnishings not provided but paper crane collection included. Rent negotiable. Dial 555-0117 for inquiries.

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