The 'Shroom:Issue 218/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! We've got a packed edition for you today, and the Awards are coming up! What could be better than that? Don't forget to vote when the polls go up on June 14th!
We have a new section this month! Golddude64 (talk) is debuting The Ghostly Dossier, giving us the insight on E. Gadd's gallery of spectres! True to his name, this month's edition covers the famous Gold Ghost. We also have a couple of guest sections, ClawgripFan9001 brings us more content for the Year of Waluigi in Shop Scout so you can load up on Waluigi merch, and Aomaf (talk) is giving a sendoff to the Nintendo Switch era with one last Mario release for the console in Game Corner! (Can you believe that by the time the next issue comes out, the Switch 2 will be released?) Also, ClawgripFan and TheBlueCatMenace have teamed up for collaborations in Cooking Guide and The Sunshine Travel Guide, we've got a Digimon themed edition of Mushroom Tribune (temporarily renamed Shell Newspaper), Dear Waluigi Time is finally back, and more!
Next month is our villain-themed summer special! It's a great opportunity to theme your existing sections or send us a one-off (or even a new section) that's a little bit bad! (Uh, the subject matter I mean, not writing quality.) It's a good time to write a Police Blotter detailing one of your favorite villain's latest evil plots, or maybe a Shop Scout for them to fund their schemes, just to give you a couple ideas for things you could do here! You don't even have to use Mario villains, it can be anything you want! Of course, if you're not particularly feeling the theme, you're not obligated to participate in it. We're happy to take your section anyway! Check out our sign up page for everything you need to send in an application, or you can just send a one-off to me with no application necessary.
Section of the Month
Thank you for voting for News Flush for Section of the Month! Who knew the DMV would be so popular? In second place, we have Pyro's quest to capture the Easter Bunny in Legend 8's The Sorcery Show, and in third, The Sunshine Travel Guide by TheBlueCatMenace with a look at some random void between dimensions! If I start seeing a bunch of you trying to clip out of reality, I think I know why. Thanks for supporting our writers with your votes, and be sure to keep it up!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | News Flush | 15 | 26.79% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
| 2nd | The Sorcery Show | 11 | 19.64% | Legend 8 |
| 3rd | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 9 | 16.07% | TheBlueCatMenace |
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: DryBonesBandit, Nellie Morningstar, and MightyMario
Dear Waluigi Time,
Help! I was riding through space in my trusty spaceship with my crew when suddenly, an alien appeared out of nowhere! It destroyed my ship and scattered my crew across space, and it took my ship's CPU! I landed on a desert planet with no way off, what do I do?
-Astro Bot
Luckily, you're talking to a sci-fi expert here! You'd be out of luck if you talked to someone who only watched those fantasy movies... But I digress. The first thing to do on an alien planet is to get a lay of the land and meet the locals, if there are any. Some planets just happen to be entirely devoid of life! But aliens can be pretty helpful if you get the right ones. I heard about this one guy who was able to command the local wildlife and ended up completely inverting the planet's food chain. Not sure if that's a good thing in the long run, but he made out of it pretty okay. Oh, but I went on a tangent again... My point is, figure out the aliens. Are they helpful? Hostile? Even sentient? You might find some allies who will be able to help you get back out into the cosmos!
But maybe there's no sign of intelligent life anywhere, or the aliens just want to eat your face. In that case, you'll have to dig a little deeper! If I know my tropes, there's usually some long-forgotten technology left by a previous civilization or extraterrestrial visitors or mystical mumbo-jumbo to uncover that'll be your ticket out if you look hard enough. Happens more often than you'd think.
Worst case scenario... Well, if you're reading this, you either figured it out already, or whatever planet you're on has access to The 'Shroom, so I feel like you should be able to work it out somehow. Good luck!
Dear Waluigi Time,
I wanna take my partner out on a date this weekend, but I'm having a bit of an issue deciding where I wanna take him. Right now I'm between 5 Guys, Red Lobster, The Moon, Raising Cane's, that place with the thing, Disneyland Paris, Macayo's, and Chernobyl. Where do you think we should go?
-Nellie Morningstar
My regular readers may be expecting me to say none of them and that you should go to my restaurant instead. Well joke's on them, I don't have one! But maybe that's a good future venture... For now, we can rule out the moon immediately. There's no food on the moon! What are you going to eat, moon rocks? Well, I've also heard of people that eat rocks, and if that's your thing, I guess eating moon rocks would actually be pretty cool. Or maybe they just taste really bland and flavorless from being on the moon. But that's still a pretty novel experience, right? I'm going to assume you two don't eat rocks though.
We can probably rule out Chernobyl too, because uh, isn't that super toxic? Not sure I'd want to eat anything around there. Sure, there's the minuscule chance you get free superpowers which would be pretty cool, but spontaneously growing a third arm isn't exactly my idea of a great date night activity.
With the options a little more narrowed down, the easiest way to settle these things is to flip a coin to decide for you, or maybe use a random number generator. If you don't like what it picks, then just get rid of that option and try again! Hopefully you have enough in your wallet if it lands on Disneyland, though...
Dear Waluigi Time,
It's these two kids, mon! I was summoned to their house one day to claim the soul of their pet, but they wouldn't give it up! So, we had a little game of limbo, in which I am the undefeated champion, but they won and now I'm their friend for all eternity! They use me for their own advantages and refuse to let me leave! Do you have any ideas for a powerful being such as I to pass the time without goin' insane?
-The Grim Reaper đ
Well, lucky you, you've got all the time in the world! Perhaps you'd like to consider a writing career, for no reason in particular... We've got openings here, you know, if you want to. Just think about it...
Anyway, with infinite time on your hands, there's lots of things you can do that other people would consider a waste of time! For example, recreating famous world landmarks at 1:1 scale out of toothpicks! Why would anyone spend their time doing this? They wouldn't. But you can! It'll be weird and interesting! More importantly, that means you can go for WORLD RECORDS! You ever considered, uhh, I don't know, knitting the world's largest sock? You can fill those books with the name Grim Reaper, and at that rate, you'll even have the world record for most world records. Since you're immortal, you can even go for crazy ones like most time spent underwater.
But maybe you don't want all that attention, and if that's the case, I've got plenty of tasks I can outsource! Just let me know if you want to be my unpaid all-purpose intern!
Looks like I have more business than I can handle! Questions are temporarily restricted to first-time submitters only while I work through the backlog. If you've never sent in a question before and have one that you'd like answered, stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page!
Written by: Boo1268
Control Over Magikoopa Keep
Hello, readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. In light of not only the most recent âShroomfest of Fantasy Vs. Sci-Fi, but also a fair amount of recent drama involving a fellow member of the Mushroom Elite, Oswald Haselhurst, and his use of illegal black magic, today we will be delving deeper into the background that surrounds the Magikoopa Magic Control Agency, or MMCA for short and its frankly rocky history when it comes to the ownership/control over the Magikoopa Keep and who commands over all the knowledge that lurks inside its walls. So with that out of the way, let us begin, shall we?
Our story first begins when during the âShroomfest I was informed by my fellow members that Oswald Haselhurst the Shy Guy, once a proud member of the Haselhurst bloodline, had been charged with dabbling in the use of black magic in order to bring a pet bird of his back to life. This, however, the MMCA deemed the use of any sort of black magic, whether it be big or small, as extremely illegal, and with all the trouble going on with the court case following this incident, I began to wonder, how did exactly the MMCA become the enforcers of magic use, not just throughout the Mushroom Kingdom, but all the kingdoms throughout the realm? Well I intended to find out! So I packed my things, got my notebooks and quickly set off!.....
Fun Fact!: Did you know that despite being ghosts, we Boos and other spirits still need to brush our teeth? Not for anything medical related, but simply to look nice and scary while also being minty fresh!
That was, until I was denied entry by the Dark Land border security. Apparently, my passport was âout of dateâ when I had just updated it less than a week ago! Afterwards, I discovered that my notoriety as a historical adventure seeker had gotten wind to the Koopa Kingdom, and as such, they were worried that I would âleak sensitive information to the enemyâ. Apparently, my time as a war veteran for the Koopa army meant NOTHING to them as they still labeled me as a âSPYâ! After a very long talk with the M.K. Department of State, it was clear to me that I would NEVER get my passport updated in time and get my reputation as a âspyâ cleared before Shroomfest ended. So after much consideration, I had (begrudgingly) come to the conclusion that I needed to enter the country illegally.
Fun Fact: Thornys are a somewhat distant relative of the Spiny family. They have the characteristics of Spinys, standard Koopas, and Sidesteppers, which they are most closely related to.
Now, while I donât condone any form of criminal activity, I will admit that these more shady individuals have the ability to do things I wouldn't be able to achieve. So after making my decision, I headed to the Despair Pub with Spectre in tow to find a criminal with the skills I needed. After talking to the Hammer Brother manning the bar, I soon found myself face to face with Shanker the Thorny who said he could help. "Heard 'ya had some border trouble! If you came down here, 'ya must be lookin' for some⌠alternate way in, eh? Well, I can get 'ya in, for the low, low price of a thousand coins." I was uneasy and thought about the deal for a hard minute. Eventually, he interjected, saying "Not like 'ya have any other options, now do 'ya?" I begrudgingly accepted and handed over the 1,000 coins in full. All this to say, I eventually set out to the Dark Lands to discover the secrets of the Magikoopa Keep. After traveling a few miles, I soon arrived at the Keep, ready to uncover its secrets, and after some research, here is what I found.
Fun Fact: According to ancient Magikoopa transcripts, the Keep's original aerial defense mechanism was a Bullâs-Eye Bill Blaster mounted on top of the Keep, however this design was scrapped due to the slow fire rate of the Bullâs-Eye Bill Blasters they used at the time.
Many years ago, regulations regarding magic were non-existent throughout the kingdoms, which caused a plethora of issues, since at the time, any common joe with a wand and a spell book could put a devastating spell on anyone they saw fit with almost zero consequences. Thankfully, at some point in time after the first Koopa King was crowned, a Magikoopa known as Wizenhimer established the first magic categorization book known as the Wizenus' Systema Magi, which would be the foundation for all magic categorization. Over time, scholars and mages continued building on Wizenheimer's system, eventually organizing themselves into correspondence rings who conducted research on different areas of magic and wrote magically-encrypted letters to one another to share their research. While these correspondence circles were generally clandestine and kept to themselves, eventually, one Magikoopa known as Psycho Kamek Wizakoopa, decided to begin organizing his circle into a proper association, slowly reaching out to other circles and adding them to his association from the comfort of his library. Eventually, Psycho Kamek created and founded the Keep, which he originally used as a library/research point to study the different types and categories of magic. However, as time went on, P. Kamek soon began to notice the sudden influx of uncontrolled magic use throughout the Dark Lands, and soon decided to do something about it. Thus, the foundation of the MMCA began to take shape, with members of the Dark Lands that were caught using magic without permission sentenced to a heavy amount of jail time.
Fun Fact!: Did you know that Kamella is actually the mother of Kamek? The resemblance they share is uncanny!
Some time would pass, and the laws of magic established by the MMCA would begin to change as leadership did as well. P. Kamek soon began to grow old and eventually retired, settling down in Little Fungitown located in the Beanbean Kingdom, and transferring control of the Keep over to his daughter Kamella, who soon took charge as the new leader of the MMCA. Under her rule, her judgment for crimes was even harsher than her fatherâs. She had declared that no one except Magikoopas were allowed to practice the art of magic, and that anyone who wasn't a Magikoopa and was caught using magic of any type would be sentenced to permanent petrification! This was due to her belief that Magikoopas should be the superior masters of magic and that only they should control the power. However, in spite of this rule, many citizens would not stand for such cruel punishment and a protest would begin for fair equal use of magic among all individuals. The protest would continue for several months, until eventually, King Kero Koopa would order Kamella to step down from her post as head of the MMCA, ending the âSilence of Magicâ era.
Fun Fact!: Did you know that according to Book 3 of âThe Adventures of Captain Toad!â series, in chapter 4 Toadette's Tribulations, the Keep is mentioned as a real location that was actually visited by Captain Toadette! This can be verified by numerous other sources as true.
After Kamellaâs forceful removal as leader of the MMCA and owner of the Keep, a sudden power vacuum had seemingly opened up in regards as to who should control the Keep and who should lead the MMCA. Originally, Kamella had entrusted Kamek to oversee command on the Magikoopa Keep and originally appointed him leader of the MMCA. However, a power struggle would come to pass as King Bowser Koopa would appoint Kammy Koopa, who at the time was one of the kingâs most prestigious and (somewhat) respected sorcerers. Under her command as leader of the MMCA and owner of the Magikoopa Keep, she made several changes to the MMCA. A few of them for a time were good and did improve the system, such as the implementation of a degree in magic which would allow certain users with a proper education to use the mystical arts to perform said magic without the risk of imprisonment. However, Kammy's dedication to keeping magical training restricted to Magikoopas shaped the changes she made to the categorization of magic. She erased the traditional divisions which organized spells from more fundamental to more complex within categories of species and guilds, reclassifying them by âelegance" according to her own personal standards. Her reorganization jumbled the usual order in which spells were presented and taught, with Kammy prioritizing the spells which she herself considered most important for a well-rounded magic user. These changes resulted in confused youthling Magikoopas struggling with advanced spells far beyond their capabilities, with their fundamental elements tucked away in obscure categories. The shift away from specialization within magical sub-fields, in conjunction with the erasure of traditional organizational structures, resulted in some magics, such as the hammerspace magic of Hammer Bros., being nearly forgotten altogether by a generation. Alongside this, Kamek, who once adored Kammy and saw her as an idol, slowly began to realise that her changes were in fact doing more harm than good to the MMCA, and came to the conclusion that Kammy was not only a self pretentious fool, but also unsuited to be the owner of the Keep.
Fun Fact: Did you know that Kamek is considered the most powerful Magikoopa in the Dark Lands? His magical prowess is only compared to that of the great Count Koopula.
And as such, the legal battle for ownership of the Keep and the MMCA had begun, with Kammy arguing that her changes to the system and the fact that King Bowser himself appointed her leader would go to show that SHE was the rightful ruler of the Keep. However, Kamek argued that since the Keep was ORIGINALLY intended to be passed down to him by blood right, that HE should own the Keep, and alongside that, not only was he the one to be entrusted to watch over the young Koopa king and was now seen by the public as his parent, but that Kammy's changes did not improve anything regarding magic classification and the laws against using magic illegally. This went back and forth for about a year, until eventually Kamek had won, and he was now the new and RIGHTFUL owner of the Magikoopa Keep, leaving Kammy no choice but to resign from her post. After all was said and done, Kamek did decide to keep some of the more beneficial changes, such as some of the new classifications of magic, and the magic degree now making it so that anyone with a degree in magic could learn magic with proper training! In fact, the new implementations to the classification system allowed for a much more detailed justice system when it comes to magical charges. For instance, since I myself am a ghost, I am able to perform necromancy magic without being charged for âdisturbing the deadâ, while someone like Waluigi Time could be charged for âunwilling summoning of the deadâ, and the different categories of magic also detail how long the sentence should be for them if used illegally. Suffice to say that Kamek had cemented himself as the truest ruler of the Magikoopa Keep and rightful leader of the MMCA, but in spite of all the changes made over the years, one thing remains consistent. Dark/black magic remains illegal even to this day, which is why the case involving Oswald is so sensitive to the MMCA and why cases involving magic are mainly handled by the head of the MMCA. However, recently ownership of the MMCA had to be passed to a new leader, as Kamek noted that he simply couldnât keep up with all the work that was involved. As such, ownership of the MMCA is now in the hands of Sigmond the Antasman, who is one of the few minions of Antasma that actually reformed following the events of Pi'illo Island and was the highest ranking student at the Koopa Collage of Witchcraft & Wizardry, and he was also the one who happened to catch me researching the Keepâs background while I was there and was aware of my âspyâ status. Suffice to say, he chased me out of the Keep and I escaped his wrath by the skin of my teeth.
And so, after learning all the info that I could from my trip to the Keep, I learned two things. The deep and in depth history of the MMCA, alongside how it shaped magic classification as we know it today, and that it seems like it's going to take a bit longer for my âspyâ accusations to die down before I can be allowed to cross the Dark Land border legally. But I will say, despite the crimes that occured, it was all in the pursuit of one thing we need more of in the world, and that's knowledge. So let's just hope this clears up before the next âShroomfest, shall we? And so, with that, our story ends. I hope you all enjoyed this issue of The Spectral Lens, and I must say I really did enjoy doing this topic despite how hard it was to research. A very special shoutout to Hooded Pitohui for helping with some of the research for this topic, who I contacted to help me make sense of some of the old Magikoopa writings I uncovered, thanks in part of him being a Toady, and a special shoutout to DryBonesBandit for allowing usage of his character Shanker the Thorny. If you have any suggestions for what I should look into next time, make sure to check out my official forum page. I'm always willing to conjure up some info on what you chaps suggest! So don't be afraid to give me suggestions. And with that, I say: Merci, au revoir and Happy âShroomfest!
Written by: Wallace Ulysses
WAH-lcome one, WAH-lcome all, WAH-lcome back, members of the Waluigi Fan Club! This is your President, Wallace Ulysses speaking, with more news regarding our favorite purple troublemaker fresh off the press as the Year of Waluigi slowly but surely reaches the end of its front half! I know, I know! Itâs a shame that weâre almost halfway through the unofficial celebration of the twenty-fifth anniversary of the charming rogue that is Waluigi, but weâre not going to let that stop us from keeping the party going twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, even on Sundays and holidays until the clock strikes midnight on the thirty-first of December!
So! This month, I went and hit the road to travel to the illustrious Mushroom City, the WAH-n that never sleeps, since word had reached my Waluigi-loving ears that a store centered all around our favorite purple troublemaker had opened up there recently, and surely enough, I found it right in the middle of Ztar Junction, illuminated by a grand purple neon sign that depicted Waluigi lying on top of the name of the store with WAH-n of his legs moving up and down in a similar vein to that neon sign our neighboring team of writers over at Fun Stuff use in their official team banner nowadays.
Entering the store, I was greeted by the owner and clerk, a rather unusually tall Duplighost sporting a thin mustache alongside purple shoes and a fedora (Though not the WAH-n you might be thinking of). He introduced himself as James Wackoman, though better known by his professional name of Dan Willard. When I asked Mr. Willard about the backstory of how his Waluigi-themed store, the WAH-Mart came to exist, he explained to me that since his teenage years, heâd been compared to the purple troublemaker that is Waluigi wherever he went, and eventually, at the beginning of this year, Mr. Willard decided to use his likeness of Waluigi in his favor and open up the store we were standing in that day in honor of the Man in Purpleâs twenty-fifth anniversary.
Satisfied with that explanation, I asked Mr. Willard if I could browse his Waluigi-themed wares, in which Mr. Willard happily let me, and this is what he had on sale when I visited the store that day, along with Mr. Willardâs personal descriptions of each item in stock.
| Item | Description |
|---|---|
 Bob-Omb Cannon |
"Waluigiâs weapon of choice on any weaponized vehicle he happens to drive. Just be sure to have a Weapon Permit on hand for me to check to know youâre legally allowed to buy this." |
 Waluigi Cap |
"A true collectorâs item for any diehard Waluigi fan. When bought with the matching Waluigi Suit, you receive a special Waluigi Discount." |
 Waluigi Suit |
"Another true collectorâs item for any diehard Waluigi fan. When bought with the matching Waluigi Cap, you receive a special Waluigi Discount, as already established." |
 Waluigi Mustache Balloon |
"A large sized balloon modeled after Waluigiâs nose and mustache. Itâs filled with helium, so firmly grasp it when walking around with it in the great outdoors or youâll lose it. Disclaimer: Be warned that the WAH-Mart will not be held responsible for any lost balloons and that we donât have money back guarantees on this particular product." |
 Waluigi Dice Block |
"Looking for a little Waluigi-themed spice in your otherwise bland gaming nights playing Dungeons and Duplighosts? These Waluigi-themed Dice Blocks should do the trick! Inscribed with the rune of the purple troublemaker himself, its twisted ways are guaranteed to upset your fellow players when used for the fantastic wagers the tabletop game brings." |
With enough notes made and enough material to work with for a Shop Scout section, I thanked Mr. Willard for his cooperation that day and left the store, hitting the road once more to leave for New Wikisburg again to write everything I had jotted down in my notes in a further developed manner, which resulted in the Shop Scout section that youâre looking at today! Hopefully this Waluigi-themed news was enough to satisfy your Waluigi-themed hunger for another month! This has been your President, Wallace Ulysses speaking, Waluigi Fan Club members, and I hope to see you all next month in The âShroomâs maliciously yet deliciously crafted Summer Special, where we will be talking about everything villain-themed, including our favorite charming rogue in purple, Waluigi!
Dry Dry Data
Written by: DryBonesBandit (talk)
Oh, it seems youâve stumbled (back?) into my section, Dry Dry Data. Iâm DryBonesBandit, the writer of this work, and have you seen any large insects recently? Well, I have, since this issue weâre covering the Bzzap! (bombuss zzoom!), a monstrous bee species that, to my ire, was named with an exclamation point. (Is it fine if I leave it ou- no? fineâŚ) Anyway, join me in the Forever Forest to study these flying fiendsâŚ
The Adventure
Days ago, the crustacean corsair that also writes for the âShroom had suggested to me that I should write about these hive horrors. I asked him to please not yell at me, but he told me that the volume is part of their name. Intrigued, I did some research. Finding they resided not too far from Toad Town, I set out on my quest to study these âBzzaps!â.
Unfortunately I did not get to the Flower Fields, since the supposed gateway was just an empty arch, and I donât think the other side of the garden counts as a field. So, I instead set out for this spooky forest that I heard had these beastly bees. Entering the Forever Forest, I went down a path until I again entered Forever Forest. Apparently, a wrong turn takes you back to the start? That stinks. After hours of puzzling out a route, I found myself in front of a large beehive. Seeing as I had time to kill before the Bzzaps! would exit I decided to sit on a nearby pile of leaves. Tragically, what I thought was a pile of leaves was actually a sharp Forest Fuzzy (fuzzler silva); as soon as I sat down, I leapt into the air in pain and accidentally knocked down the hive.
Without hesitation, I began running; the Bzzaps! inside the hive chased after me, hoping for revenge. I took a wrong turn, and ended up back at the start; they went down the same path and cornered me. To my surprise, they just took my coins and left after. Seeing as I got a chance to study them very closely, I took the loss and went on home.
The Analysis
So, Bzzaps!. Gah, I donât know if putting a period there is correctâŚ
Bzzaps! are large yellow and brown bees with two wings the size of their body, two antennae, and four limbs, two arms and two legs. They possess a white stinger carrying a potent venom that will cause pain to the stung. When attacking, they swoop down and sting their opposition very quickly; this sometimes results in their targets not receiving a dosage of Bzzap! venom.
They are not hostile unless provoked, as I have found. Only when their home is threatened or attacked will they strike. Those in the Flower Fields are unusually irritable from the sunlight in their eyes, and attack whenever they want. Bzzaps! are omnivorous, which is not usual for a bee species; they prey on their favorite meal, Forest Fuzzies, whenever possible, but if they canât find them, theyâll eat flowers nearby. Bzzaps! have been found to be related to Buzzers and Stingers. Usually I have advice for what to do in an encounter with a creature, but Iâm not really able to give good advice here⌠maybe try paying them? They seem to be forgiving if you can afford the price of hive repairs.
The End
I will be taking requests for the next issue, but I may not end up using suggestions, so be warned! As always, suggest on the Boards or my talk page, and see you next month!
Shell Newspaper
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from Shell Newspaper, File City's leading source for File Island news and gossip.
Disruptive Resident Ordered to Leave Town
File City was abuzz today following the news that newcomer Etemon was being kicked out of the city on the orders of city guardian Jijimon. Originally a resident of the Native Forest, Etemon, an Ultimate-level Digimon, had long been a controversial character even before his short-lived residency in File City. Styling himself the King of the Forest, Etemon was best described as an eccentric character who frequently, to use his words, hosted "Rock Concerts" where he played his "hit" song Love Love Serenade. In addition to hosting these events, he was known for demanding tribute from other, weaker Digimon in the form of forest rarities such as Blue Apples and Happy Mushrooms, casting these offerings as payment for his protection and other services he carried out as the forest's king.
Even the circumstances of Etemon coming to File City are rife with controversy and speculation. According to most reports we've heard from visitors to the Native Forest, Etemon attempted to sneak attack Mameo and his Metal Greymon in a rage, jealous over their growing popularity arising from their efforts to save File Island. Then, after he was defeated, he only joined the city after pledging to, quote, "create the coolest store in the world to show everyone on the island who the real hero was". For his part, Etemon tells the story differently, insisting that, as the King of the Forest, he felt something was wrong with his subjects and that he wanted to help. But first, as the King of the Forest, he felt he had to test Mameo to make sure he was worthy of Etemon's help. Then, after fighting Metal Greymon to a draw, he graciously conceded, feeling that Mameo and File City were worthy of his assistance and pledging to come to File City and, quoting his words, "build the coolest store on the island, something so cool it'll draw Digimon from all over the island to File City to help the cause".
Once in File City, Etemon refused to change his behavior and, according to multiple sources (including our own), immediately began offending nearly everyone in the city. From demanding that the town store begin stocking his special Golden Bananas while giving him 100% of the profits from sales of said bananas (and an additional 25% of the profits from all other sales as payment for the privilege of selling such a special item) to constantly waking everybody up with his frequent (and terrible) late-night concerts during which he played his new so-called hit single Concrete Crush, residents filed multiple nuisance reports. Etemon defended his concerts, claiming that he's doing the city a favor by giving them free shows from the greatest musician on File Island while also claiming that they were necessary to appease visitors because Digimon from all over the island would flock to the city to hear him sing once they realized a star of his magnitude had taken residency in File City.
The last straw, however, occurred recently. According to Jijimon Hut sources, Etemon burst into Jijimon's Hut demanding that Jijimon force the most eligible bachelorettes in File City to join his, quote, "Royal Harem", claiming that not only was it his right as a King to have said harem, but that it would also count as payment for all of Etemon's attempts to "aid" File City. Reports are that such a request shocked Jijimon speechless and that Etemon and Jijimon's advisor Angemon got into a huge argument, leading Etemon to storm out while claiming that this whole city was ungrateful for everything he's done for it.
Following this, Jijimon called a council of some of File City's most important members, including Item Bank manager Agumon, local Restaurant owner and founder Meramon, and the costume of Monzaemon (although, at press time, sources couldn't confirm if the costume was actually invited to the meeting or was simply hanging in the room they met in). Following a reportedly brief discussion, it was decided that Etemon would be forcibly exiled from File City, with Angemon supplying our newspaper with the following statement:
Following numerous complaints about Etemon's behavior and after dealing with his frequent nonsense, and factoring in his frankly delusional demands such as running up a huge tab at Meramon's Restaurant and then demanding he be allowed to eat for free or demanding Greymon supply him with free top-level VIP Seats for the finals of the S Cup, it has become clear that Etemon has no interest in following or even attempting to respect the rules and etiquette of our fair city. After his latest demand that he be given his own royal harem of beautiful girls, it is clear that allowing Etemon to remain in the city will continue to be a disruptive element, which, if left unchecked, will not only reduce the quality of life for our residents but could even drive them away! This is an outcome which would present great dangers for the Digimon of File City in these troubling times. Because of this and a feeling that Etemon has left us no choice, we are announcing effective immediately that Etemon will no longer be permitted to live or visit the city. He will be given 24 hours to pack his belongings and remove himself from the city limits or be forcibly removed. We want to assure every resident of File City that this was not a decision that we made lightly and that we gave Etemon chance after chance to be a good citizen of the city but that Etemon refused to take those chances.
After receiving Angemon's statement, we reached out to Etemon, who at press time was hocking Golden Bananas just outside the city limits. Upon being asked for his side of the matter, Etemon issued the following statement:
This whole thing's been a conspiracy against Etemon from Day 1, uh-huh. Why? Because the so-called city leaders were rightfully worried that once people found out the King of the Forest Etemon had moved to town that it was over for them, uh-huh. Think about it, jack. Hundreds if not thousands of screaming Etemon fans flooding the city, daddy. They knew that once that happened, it was over for them and that Etemon King of the Forest was gonna end up King of the City. And those jealous fools, why they're nothing but a bunch of squares who couldn't stand the idea Etemon the rock and roll genius was gonna get all the credit for saving File Island. They simply couldn't stand it, jack. All those complaints they had, psh, why shouldn't Etemon be treated to the finer things? You gotta understand I'm the biggest star this island's ever seen, ya understand me? The greatest singer, the most powerful Digimon, a real one-of-a-kind legend, uh-huh. I've got it all and I deserve it all, uh-huh. If anything, Etemon was giving them a discount in the spirit of island unity! As for my royal harem, is it Etemon's fault that when Etemon comes to town all the chicks flock around? I was trying to take the ladies' feelings into consideration, 'cause all the women wanna be with Etemon King of the Forest and I didn't want to send any of the ladies to the Heartbreak Hotel, if you catch my drift. But that's enough about this dusty old city. Etemon doesn't need it; it needed Etemon, you feel me, uh-huh? In fact, I was planning on moving on anyways, going back on tour, bringing Etemon back to his fans. So don't worry about Etemon, 'cause Etemon has a lot of plans. You should worry about this city 'cause soon enough they're gonna realize the mistake they made today. But luckily for them, Etemon is a merciful king and if they beg hard enough I'm sure I could schedule a reunion tour, oh yeah, have mercy!
The reaction to the news of Etemon's removal was mostly positive, with many residents expressing their joy that a huge weight has been lifted off of the city's shoulders. Some residents struck a more pessimistic tone, either feeling sympathy for Etemon or claiming that the kicking out of Etemon undermines the city as a symbol of Digimon unity in these calamitous times. For in-depth resident opinion, we contacted two longtime residents - local toilet skeptic Sukamon and Greymon Battle Arena's curling arena caretaker Penguinmon.
|
It is an outrage that one so famous and so popular as the King of the Forest Etemon has been removed from this city. We're discussing Etemon, who through his own selflessness has provided this city hours upon hours of the greatest music known to Digimon. I must admit that I originally came to this city in confusion over the strange contraption your city was rumored to have. I believe you call it a "toilet", something that still confounds me to this day. Why would you want to get rid of all that delicious waste??? But even though the toilet continues to vex me, the thing that truly kept me in the city was the wonderful rock and roll musical stylings of Etemon, music that surpasses even ShogunGekomon and his Gekomon of the Geko Swamp. All of the inhabitants from Trash Mountain have been so jealous that I've been lucky enough to not only hear Etemon rock and roll, but to hear it for free? Many of them couldn't believe that King of Rock Etemon would be so generous as to play for free just to aid File City when he could be touring all over the island! Even His Majesty KingSukamon, the King of Sukamon, Lord of Trash Mountain, and King of the Dust Kingdom, had been making plans for a royal procession to File City just to see Etemon play! Could you imagine how much the city could have benefited from His Majesty KingSukamon's, the most powerful of all the Filth Digimon, endorsement? It would have drawn Digimon from all over Trash Mountain such as Geremon and Psychemon into this fair city! Instead, this city has thrown away that chance in an outrageous act of hubris, casting out one of File Island's true icons! I know the Digimon of Trash Mountain are furious over such an insulting decision, with His Majesty KingSukamon even contemplating a decree not only inviting Etemon to Trash Mountain as his personal guest, but also rebuking File City for their treatment of such a star! Such a decree would not only be disastrous for File City's relationship with the inhabitants of Trash Mountain, but the rebuke from such a powerful and influential Digimon as His Majesty KingSukamon will surely cause File City's reputation throughout File Island to suffer, greatly impacting File City's ability to convince other Digimon to come to the city! But it's not too late! I implore the wise Jijimon to realize his mistake and to apologize to Etemon and beg him to return to city. I'm sure if he did that, then Etemon would graciously accept Jijimon's apology and continue his selfless mission to provide aid to File City's mission! |
|
There's anyone out there defending Etemon, eh? When I came to this city, I had hoped to find curling fanatics more passionate than the Mojyamon traders in my home of Freezeland. I just was hoping to find a couple fiery-hearted Digimon who would aim to outmatch each other in the rink and maybe earn a modest haul of Digisnapper while I was at it, yep, but Etemon's fire was just burning so hot it was scalding everyone he was around! There are limits, y'know? I hear he once came barging in at the Secret Shop and started demanding the Mojyamon inside give him Health Shoes for free. Said something about how "the King of the Forest is on his feet all day for this city, uh-huh, so of course he's gotta have the best shoes so he can keep rockin'". That was a quote straight from Numemon. He watched the whole thing, yep. Then there was the time he came into the rink and started playing a round without even paying a single fish. It's not much I ask for, I don't think it's much at all, but he wouldn't even pay that much. I spent all night cleaning up the banana peels he left on the ice and I didn't even have dinner that night after what he did. He was making a nuisance of himself to everyone. |
| It's not just the businesses having trouble putting up with him, either. I thought Andromon and his employees from Factorial Town were real used to noise 'n' all that, but even he had to take a rest in Jijimon's Hut after he started glitching from the constant pounding of Etemon's music. Wonder if he wouldn't've made his way back to the factory if this decision hadn't come down... With all the trouble he's been raising and all his king nonsense, I agree with the decision Jijimon reached. We need unity and all for sure - for sure, yep - but that Etemon was just getting to be too much of a nuisance for the city to handle. This harem nonsense was the final straw anyone could stand. I'm sure he'll do fine on his own? Freezeland's nice at this time of year if his tour doesn't work out, and Frigimon might see fit to take him in if it gets too cold... Wherever he ends up, better he be there instead of File City, you bet. |
Written by: Legend 8
The Sorcery Show
Episode 17: Boredom
It is a rainy day in the Mushroom Kingdom, the heavy drops gushing down from the sky onto the twisted towers of Pyrokles' castle. Our antilogical adventurers are inside, and Pyro is sitting at his floating desk, eagerly working at something, while his friend Kroop is levitating around him. Apparently, the flaming skull is trying to see what the Magikoopa is doing, while letting out annoyed sighs.
Kroop: Pyroooooo.... What is this even supposed to beeeee? Why don't we something else more interestinggggg?
Pyro: Huh? Did you say anything? Sorry, I'm very busy.
Kroop: Aw maaaaan. We should play a board game, talk about stuff, have an adventure! But not this!! Aw, I'm so BOOOREDDD!!!!
The Explainer manifests his glitchy body opposite Pyro to tune in into the "conversation".
Pyro, the anti-electricity comprimadensor goes here, not there. And... Wait. Oh. Kroop, what did you just say?
Kroop: I'm so BOOOREDDD!!!!
Pyro: What? Kroop, if it isn't something important, please leave me alone, I need to work.
Uh, Pyro, Kroop just said he's bored. I think this never happened before when you were around. Aren't you gonna do something against it?
Pyro: What? Sorry, tell me again, where do I put the cable calibrilizer? And could you maybe hand me the quintuple screwnaildriver?
Kroop: UGHHH. That's Pyro as we know him. Only spreads chaos when it is the absolutely worst situation, but when I bore myself to death here: no! Nope, nothing!
Pyro: You're already dead, Kroop. Well, undead, but still doesn't count.
Kroop: And THIS you heard now, huh?!
Pyro: What? I'm sorry, the radial aquavoltifier is a bit noisy, you gotta talk louder!
Kroop: I SAID...! Ugh, you won't listen to me anyways.
Pyro: What?
Pyro, let me explain. Kroop is terribly bored because you're busy instead of doing, uh, interesting things like you normally do all the time.
Pyro: So what? It's not like I'm the only main character here, Kroop can just as well have an adventure by himself.
But... Huh, you may have a good point. Come on, Kroop, let's have an adventure!
Kroop: What? But, where? And also it's raining outside, I don't want to go outside, I...
Pyro: Fine, then I have a better idea. I'll show you my dungeon.
Kroop: Your... dungeon?? This castle has a dungeon?? Why..
Oh no Pyro, I don't like where this is going...
Pyro: Ah don't worry Explainer... So Kroop, you wanted to find out about my dungeon, then I'd say you're free to start... now!
Kroop: That sounds ominous.
Pyro: No it doesn't? why is this stupid lever not working????
Yes it does.
Kroop: Yes it does. also what are you whispering about?
Pyro: Uh, nothing, what are you talking... Ah yes it worked. Ok, bye then!
A deep, dark hole opens in the floor of Pyro's anti-gravity office, directly below the floating Kroop.
Kroop: Huh? Wh-
Something big and heavy drops from the ceiling above Kroop, knocking him into the hole, which closes after him.
Pyro: So, Explainer, if you want fun too, then feel free to follow him. I'm sadly still busy, but I can finish my project without you.
Uhh... Okay? That was kind of rude, y'know. I hope you're ready for a big Kroop rage outbreak when he gets outta there... But now first I'll go check if he's okay, see ya.
Pyro: Finally, peace and quiet...
Meanwhile a few hundred metres further down, Kroop finds himself in pitch-black darkness after his long fall. Only the light cast from his burning skull, still rattled from the impact, illuminates his surroundings a little: a corridor of ancient stone bricks.
Kroop: Ouch... Pyro!! What was that for!? Where am I?!?!
He sees a torch on one of the walls and ignites it with a small spark of flame, lighting up the corridor. The Explainer suddenly manifests, flinching away from the flames.
Ouch! I was right next to that torch, you could've severely burnt me!
Kroop: Who- oh, it's you, Explainer. Any idea what do do now? I already regret asking Pyro for an adventure, it's like accepting a wish from an evil genie...
Suddenly Pyro's voice loudly echoes through the corridors.
Pyro: So, how's the view down there? Are you still bored? Hehee...
Kroop: Pyro, you..! Why?!
Pyro: Welcome to my castle dungeon. It's very big and very labyrinthine and very dangerous. So, it should be the perfect place for you to have some fun! Bye!
Kroop: Pyroooo!!!
Let me explain. I think he misunderstood what you wanted.
Kroop: No, this was absolutely on purpose, trust me. Damn, we need to find some way out of here. But where...?
Maybe we just follow the corridor?
Kroop: ...good idea.
They walk along the corridor, the Explainer holding the torch to light the way. They walk around a corner and suddenly see a fork in front of them.
A fork? Why is a fork lying around on the floor here?
Kroop: I have no idea, to be... Wait what? Where did you see a fork? There's nothing on the floor here! All there is here are these two tunnels! Which one should we take?
OOOOHHH. A fork. I get it. Damn, misunderstanding reality is REALLY annoying.
Kroop: So what path do we take?
Pyro's voice sounds through the tunnels again.
Pyro: The middle path, obviously!
Kroop: Of course. Really not helpful, Pyro. We'll just take a random one.
They enter a random one of the two paths and go further. After some time, they come across another fork.
A fork? Why is a fork lying around on the floor here?
Kroop: I have no idea, to be... Wait what? Where did you see a fork? There's nothing on the floor here! All there is here are these two tunnels! Which one should we take?
OOOOHHH. A fork. I get it. Damn, misunderstanding reality is REALLY annoying.
Kroop: So what path do we take?
Pyro's voice sounds through the tunnels again.
Pyro: The middle path, obviously!
Kroop: Of course. Really not helpful, Pyro. We'll just take a random one.
They enter a random one of the two paths and go further. After some time, they come across another fork.
A fork? Why is a fork lying around on the floor here?
Kroop: I have no idea, to be... Wait what? Where did you see a fork? There's nothing on the floor here! All there is here are these two tunnels! Which one should we take?
OOOOHHH. A fork. I get it. Damn, misunderstanding reality is REALLY annoying.
Kroop: So what path do we take?
Pyro's voice sounds through the tunnels again.
Pyro: The middle path, obviously!
Kroop: Of course. Really not helpful, Pyro. We'll just take a random one.
They enter a random one of the two paths and go further. After some time, they come across another fork.
A fork? Why is a fork lying around on the floor here?
Kroop: I have no idea, to be... Wait what? Where did you see a fork? There's nothing on the floor here! All there is here are these two tunnels! Which one should we take?
OOOOHHH. A fork. I get it. Damn, misunderstanding reality is REALLY annoying.
Kroop: So what path do we take?
Pyro's voice sounds through the tunnels again.
Pyro: The middle path, obviously!
Kroop: Of course. Really not helpful, Pyro. We'll just take a random one.
They enter a random one of the two paths and go further.
Kroop: Wait. Is this feeling as repetitive to you as it does to me? Damn, I think we walked in circles!
Possible. The other option would be that we just got lost in an extremely huge labyrinth.
Kroop: I don't really know which option I dislike the most...
Yeah, I know. But I'm sure there is SOME way out. Let's just walk a bit further.
After some time, they come across another fork.
A fork? Why is a fork lying around on the floor here?
Kroop: I have no idea, to be... Wait what? There's an actual fork lying right there!
That's exactly what I just said, but yeah, it's really strange.
Kroop: So what path do we take?
Pyro's voice sounds through the tunnels again.
Pyro: The middle path, obviously!
Kroop: Of course. Really not helpful, Py- WAIT. Explainer, could you maybe pick up that fork for me and insert it into the wall in between the two corridors?
What?? Oh, so you think Pyro wanted to...
He picks up the fork and holds it to the wall. It sinks into it like a key into a keyhole.
Yes!! You were right, Kroop!
A third passageway appears in between the other two. They walk down the new tunnel until they find themselves facing a door. The Explainer opens it, and behind it...
Hey, this looks like a portal!
Kroop: Yes! He did give us a hint!
They enter the portal and find themselves... back in another one of the stone corridors. There is an empty torch holder mounted to one of the walls.
Wait, this looks just like the place where we started... See, that's where the torch was.
Kroop: Damn, you're right! So he didn't give us a hint. Just some kind of fake exit. Great.
This certainly is a pretty mean labyrinth dungeon thingie. Pyro's probably laughing his lungs out right now.
They hear Pyro laughing hysterically in the distance.
Kroop: Yeah, I'm sure he's watching us. But, wait! "Watching" gives me an idea. Do you think you could scout ahead to look for exits?? After all you can go immaterial!
Already on it!
The Explainer disappears and reappears shortly after.
Okay, uh. That's not good. Sadly, all I could see was a huuuuge enchanted labyrinth of tunnels and forks, some forks, a few traps and a few fake exits. Nothing else.
Kroop: Huh. What do we do now? Are we stuck in here for forever?
Nonsense, I'm sure-
A bang echoes in the distance, then Pyro's voice speaks up again, a little nervously this time.
Pyro: Uh, Explainer, I just added the arcane frimsulibinator, and uh, it kinda all went boom? What did I do wrong?
Wait, the frimsulibinator? You weren't even supposed to use that one!
Pyro: No? But then what goes there instead?
Let me exp-
Kroop: No, wait! Soooo, Pyro, can you hear me? You need help with your stuff, right? Now the explainer here could help you, buuuut he isn't gonna come up and do it UNTIL you set me free. We got a deal?
Pyro: Uhh, let's see. I do need him so I don't blow up my project again... So, uh, yeah, I think that's a good deal!..
That's pretty smart, Kroop. He's gotta accept this one.
Pyro: ...which is EXACTLY why I'm not gotta do it!
Kroop: Really?!?!
Ugh.
Kroop: So. He's doing antilogic stuff again. What if we try it the other way around? No, that wouldn't make any sense, right?
Hm, we could try. So, what's the opposite of... Uh, Pyro, listen up: what if you let us out, and I DON'T help you with your stuff. Just let us out of here, please?
Kroop: That's so not going to work.
Pyro: Huhhh, that sounds like a very bad deal for me, right? That doesn't even make any sense...
Kroop: Told you...
Pyro: Which is exactly why I'm gonna do it!!!
Told you!
Kroop: What?! What?!?! What the actual...?!?!?!
Pyro: Hahah, you made it! All you ever had to do was ask nicely. Thanks for testing my dungeon by the way, hadn't found anyone to do it yet. Did you like it?
Kroop: I can't believe...!!!!! Well, it certainly was "exciting", but still a solid NO. Now let us out!!!
Pyro: Awww, I'm sorry. Was it not inescapable enough? Or... oh, I should probably create a way out for you. There you go!
A heavy spiral staircase crashes from the ceiling, narrowly missing Kroop who dodges just in time.
Pyro: Now, come on up, you gotta collect your reward!
Kroop: There's a reward for this? What is it?
Pyro: Well, first we'll have a nice cup of tea. And then, I'll go back to working on my project, and as for you two... I was thinking maybe you'd like to try out my spooky attic?
Kroop: We have a spooky attic?!?!
Written by: ClawgripFan9001 and TheBlueCatMenace
Ahoy there, me band oâ bakinâ buccaneers! It be yer Capân, ClawgripFan9001 speakinâ! It be that time oâ the month again, where we be settinâ sail fer unknown shores in search oâ new culinary adventures! And I ainât goinâ on this culinary adventure by meself! Nar, Iâm beinâ joined by The Sunshine Travel Guide âimself, Cosmo the Cat! Letâs see âow me culinary adventure with the globe trottinâ lad turned out, aye?
ClawgripFan9001, wearing his white chef hat, is sailing on his beloved vessel alongside Cosmo the Cat, who was seated next to him at the vesselâs steering wheel. âAye, many thanks fer takinâ me out ta the Lost Mangroves fer this cookinâ lesson, Cosmo, me boy! The ingredients ye be needinâ fer the dish weâll be makinâ tâday wonât get any fresher than the stuff ye can find out âere!â The Sidestepper chef grinned at his feline companion as he continued to steer The Black Peach through the uncharted waters and towards the shore of the Lost Mangroves.
âThe last time I visited here,â Cosmo reminisced, âIt was a pit stop on the way to Autumn Heights, which was a lovely destination, with its own fair share of great food. Of course, that time I was joined by Boo1268. Anyway, from the time I visited, we found all kinds of thriving flora and fauna, so I donât doubt this is the prime place to find ingredients.â
âAye, glad we be on the same page right there, lad! Not long now âtill we should reach land, so get yer luggage ready fer departure!â ClawgripFan9001 advised Cosmo as the Lost Mangroves began to come into view over the horizon.
âGot it.â replied Cosmo. He quickly took a photo of the island before placing the camera into his backpack. âIâm excited to show you this delicacy.â
Before long, The Black Peach had docked over at the Lost Mangroves, and ClawgripFan9001 and Cosmo proceeded to depart as the former was carrying a bag full of cooking equipment over his shoulder, while Cosmo wore a traveling backpack on his back and was currently reading off a map of the Lost Mangroves he was holding in his paws.
âYar, so where do we need ta go ta fetch the first couple ingredients fer our dish, Cosmo, me boy?â ClawgripFan9001 inquired his travel guide with a curiously raised eyebrow.
âWell,â Cosmo began, âI would recommend finding a Blue Finley first. Theyâre a crucial part of the meal, and I can eat the extra fish- I mean I know a good use for the extra meat.â Cosmo looked down at the map. âOk, they should be aboutâŚhere.â Cosmo pointed at a lagoon on the map.
âAye aye! Iâll follow yer lead then, lad!â ClawgripFan9001 saluted Cosmo as he began to scuttle on after the blue cat, who began to guide him through the deserted beaches of the island towards the spot where the first ingredient for their dish could be found.
Before long, the duo had reached their first stop on their journey across the island; A lagoon where they had to fish for Blue Finleys needed for the meatier parts of the dish they were going to make.
Cosmo stared into the water, watching the Blue Finleys swim about. âWow, I haven't seen a fresher fish for years. Blue Finleys are key to our dish, because their exceptionally tasty meat,â Cosmo tried to stop his mouth from watering, âadds a burst of flavor that makes a great foundation for the rest of the ingredients to build upon.â
âAye aye! Lemme just grab me olâ reliable fishinâ rod outta me bag, anâ then Iâll âave ourselves a catch fresher than the Prince oâ Bel-Air! Argh, argh, argh, argh!â ClawgripFan9001 chuckled at his intentionally bad pun as he began to reach through his bag of cooking supplies, soon pulling out his fishing rod before placing his bag down in the sand and casting out his fishing line, waiting for any Blue Finleys to bite.
âJust be careful Clawgrip.â Cosmo advised. âThe Blue Finleys are ridiculously strong and feisty. They could give a fully grown ape trouble! Theyâre especially tough when they bite down on your hook, donât let yourself be pulled in! Itâs terrible, trust me.â Cosmo shivered.
âYar, thanks fer the advice, Cosmo, me boy. Iâll be sure ta keep that in mind fer when one oâ those scaly creatures ends up chompinâ down on me hook.â ClawgripFan9001 gratefully accepted Cosmoâs advice before as if on cue, a fish bit down on his hook, after which the Sidestepper began reeling in his catch, with said catch putting up quite a fight.
Cosmo looked over the scene, commenting on the catch. âYep, thatâs a Blue Finley alright. Iâd know that fish anywhere. Donât give up now!â
ClawgripFan9001 then managed to finally reel in his catch, which did in fact turn out to be a Blue Finley. âYar, what do ye know? Managed ta bag ourselves one oâ those fishies!â The pirate crustacean grinned as he took the Blue Finley off his hook while holding it in his left claw.
âWoah!â Cosmo exclaimed, impressed. âThat was incredible. Iâve seen seven Toads try to reel that beast in and fail.â Cosmo pulled the map out again, tracing a path with his paw and muttering. "Ah! Here it is.â Cosmo directed the Sidestepperâs attention to a forest on the map. âHere we can find climbing grass, which we can grind into rosemary and thyme, a great seasoning for todayâs meal.â
âAye aye, Cosmo! I be right behind ye, so lead the way!â ClawgripFan9001 saluted Cosmo as he managed to stuff the Blue Finley meat into his bag of cooking supplies as he had managed to filet the Blue Finley rather quickly while Cosmo was reading off the map.
Cosmo stared at Clawgrip, confounded at the speed he prepared the meat. He remembered he was a talking magical cat so he should probably not find it weird. He continued hiking towards the climbing grass.
Soon enough, our intrepid travelers reached the forests where the climbing grass they needed for the dish was located, with Cosmo and ClawgripFan9001 glancing up at the climbing grass as they did so.
âOk,â instructed Cosmo, âI need you to heave me up there. Once Iâm high enough, Iâll collect some samples, and toss âem down to you.â
âYar, ye got it, lad. They didnât call me âChuck Gripleyâ back in the day fer nothinâ.â ClawgripFan9001 nodded in understanding as he proceeded to pick up his feline travel guide before throwing him up at the climbing grass, which the cat from down under promptly latched himself onto before he took out a hunting knife and began to use it to cut off shrubs of climbing grass.
âHey!â Cosmo yelled down. âYou should grab a basket, Itâll make it easier to catch the grass. He carefully began plucking the climbing grass from the wall.
âWay ahead oâ ye, lad!â ClawgripFan9001 replied as he took out a basket that appeared to be made of thick straw and held it in his claws before scuttling underneath Cosmoâs position, ready to start catching the shrubs. âAye, make it rain grass, Cosmo!â The Sidestepper gave the cat the cue to start throwing down the shrubs.
âIf you say so!â Cosmo began tossing the climbing grass, landing in the Sidestepperâs basket. As the basket began to fill, Cosmo made sure not to take too much grass from one area, not wanting to disrupt the ecosystem.
In record time, the basket had been filled to the brim with climbing grass shrubs, and ClawgripFan9001 grinned at them in delight. âArgh, now that should be more than enough fer groundinâ the rosemary anâ thyme fer the dish!â
Cosmo nodded. âThis should be perfect. Looks like our meal is coming along perfectly. Anyway, as much as I would love to test the phrase âCats always land on their feetâ, I would hate to end up as a blue splotch on the ground. Iâll climb down, why donât you meet me at the bay ahead.â As Cosmo showed off his feline climbing prowess, he thought that nothing could go wrong now.
âUnderstood, lad. Iâll see ye there in a moment.â ClawgripFan9001 saluted Cosmo once more before watching the cat climbing back down the climbing grass rather efficiently and then venture ahead of the crabby cook. Safely tucking away the stash of climbing grass with the rest of the cooking supplies, ClawgripFan9001 began to follow after Cosmo before hearing his feline travel guide let out a panicked shriek.
âClawgrip!! I tempted fate too much!! HELP!â
âYar, what in tarnationâŚ?â ClawgripFan9001 quipped in confusion before rushing over to where Cosmoâs voice was last heard, only to find the cat being grasped by a Monocle Monica, a dragonfly-like insect that flew around back and forth in mid-air.
âI saw some kind of floating golden banana coin,â Cosmo explained, âand decided to check it out, but then this oversized fly grabbed me and is flying around like a heat-seeking missile in Antarctica!â
âDonât worry, lad, Iâll âave ye free in a jiffy!â ClawgripFan9001 assured Cosmo before looking around the area and spotting a boulder, which the Sidestepper scuttled over to, picked up the boulder, and then hurled it at the Monocle Monica as he knocked the dragonfly out of the sky, releasing Cosmo in the process.
âAAAAAAAAAAA!â Cosmo shrieked as he and the Monocle Monica plunged into the water. He quickly emerged from the waterâs surface and swam towards shore, fuelled by a primal hatred of water. After stepping onto shore, he shook the water off his fur, leaving it dishevelled. âThanks for the help.â Cosmo expressed his gratitude.
âArgh, thatâs what friends be fer, Cosmo. Oh, and âereâs yer bag back, ye seemed ta âave dropped it when that dragonfly snatched ye.â ClawgripFan9001 told Cosmo as he handed the cat his dropped travel backpack.
Cosmo breathed a sigh of relief. âThank you. Iâm glad it didnât get soaked. It has all my material for the travel guide. Anyway, hereâs the map. Weâve only got one more ingredient to find-Plump Yellow Fruits. There should be some in this rainforest over here.â
âAye, letâs get goinâ then bâfore any more oâ the native uglies try anâ get in on some oâ the nutritious value our bodies be radiatinâ.â ClawgripFan9001 nodded at Cosmoâs instructions as he began to follow the puss with no boots, or any clothing items for that matter deeper into the Lost Mangrovesâ wilderness.
We then find our stalwart heroes traversing the rainforests of the Lost Mangroves, in search of the Plump Yellow Fruits that they required for their dish. Brandishing his olâ faithful cutlass, ClawgripFan9001 kept a stern and alert glare as his eyes continuously darted around for signs of danger.
Cosmoâs face was equally serious, eyes darting between the map and the dangerous surroundings. As they went deeper, Cosmo informed ClawgripFan9001 about the location of the Plump Yellow Fruits. âIt shouldnât be much longer now, just a few minutes before we can get the fruits and get outta here.â
âAye, thatâd be great, âcause as pretty as this rainforest might be, Iâd like ta get outta âere bâfore nightfall, since the more vicious types oâ native uglies come out in the dark âround these parts.â ClawgripFan9001 nodded in acknowledgement of Cosmoâs statement regarding the location of the Plump Yellow Fruits.
âLooks like thereâs a patch ahead right now.â Cosmo pointed to a small patch with a few Plump Yellow Fruits sprouting.
âYar, what are we waitinâ fer, then? Letâs get ourselves a sample oâ that thing anâ get goinâ?â ClawgripFan9001 responded as he pulled his trusty cutlass out of his bag before scuttling over to the Plump Yellow Fruit patch and cutting one of them out of its patch, then tucked it safely away into the bag of cooking supplies with all the other ingredients the heroic duo had managed to collect thus far.
âYes!â Cosmo cheered, âWeâve collected every ingredient! Next we can head to the Cirque Du Sealion, where we can cook up a storm. Letâs seeâŚâ Cosmo examined the map, âShouldnât be too far.
âAye aye, lad! Letâs not waste any more time than needed anâ get our butts oâer ta Cirque Du Sealion! Anâ if that barbaric sea lion that used ta occupy that olâ circus tent still be there, Iâll give âim a good wallopinâ!â ClawgripFan9001 grinned as he triumphantly raised his cutlass into the air before him and Cosmo continued on their way to get to Cirque Du Sealion.
Surely enough, after a game of cat, mouse and Sidestepper ridden with many traps and bad guys, ClawgripFan9001 and Cosmo made it to Cirque Du Sealion, venturing out into the main tent and sliding down the halfpipe in the middle of the circus ring where ClawgripFan9001 started setting up the cooking supplies and ingredients for the dish Cosmo was going to teach him to make; Blue Finley Pie, a famed dish from Down Under Land, where Cosmo himself lived for many years.
âYar, against all odds, we made it âere without losinâ any oâ our nine lives, Cosmo, me boy. Now last thingâs last, time ta get cookinâ up that Blue Finley Pie ye anâ yer brothers anâ sisters love so much, aye?â ClawgripFan9001 asked his furry travel guide with his trademark grin.
âPhew,â Cosmo breathed. âWe made it through alive. By the way, can you lay off the cat jokes? Everyone in New Wikisburg makes a âFurry nice to meet youâ joke or âYour travel guide is hiss-tericalâ pun or even says âYou look like youâre feline fine.â!â
âAye aye, Iâll keep that in mind.â ClawgripFan9001 sheepishly grinned as he finished setting up the cooking supplies. âWell, weâre all set fer cookinâ, so tell the readers back âome âow they need ta make this âearty pie, Cosmo, me boy!â The Sidestepper shot the cat a pair of finger guns.
âAlright.â Cosmo began, âfirst you prepare the ingredients. Cut up and fillet the Blue Finley, ground the climbing grass into rosemary and thyme, and chop the Plump Yellow Fruit into pieces.â
âYar, that should be a walk in Baby Park fer even the most basic oâ culinary craftsmen anâ craftswomen.â ClawgripFan9001 pitched in as he began to work his magic on the ingredients him and Cosmo had collected across the Lost Mangroves.
âNext,â Cosmo continued, âPreheat an oven to 425 degrees fahrenheit, or 218 degrees celsius. Then you heat up the pan to about 375 degrees fahrenheit, or 190 degrees celsius. I would recommend using Poplin Oil for this. Fry the Blue Finley for about 5 minutes. Place it in a pie crust made with Goombaâs Dough with the Plump Yellow Fruit, and sprinkle a bit of the rosemary and thyme inside, but leave some for later.â
âYar, Gourdon Rambi canât âold a candle ta the culinary genius oâ this turquoise tabby cat, I say.â ClawgripFan9001 mused as he continued to carry out the cooking instructions in order to prepare a sample of the Blue Finley Pie him and Cosmo were teaching the readers to make.
âPlace the pie into the oven,â Cosmo continued continuing, âand let it cook for 40 minutes. Take it out and season it with the leftover rosemary and thyme. Additionally, you can add other seasonings, like salt and pepper, or sauces. Finally, I usually enjoy the Blue Finley Pie with a tall glass of Yoshi-Ade.â
âArgh, there ye âave it! In a nutshell, thatâs âow a Blue Finley Pie be made!â ClawgripFan9001 grinned as he managed to finish carrying out the remainder of the cooking instructions and pulled out the sample of the aforementioned Blue Finley Pie.
âExcellent!â Cosmo clapped. âWe finally did it! Now letâs try it. Could you cut two slices, please?â
âAye aye, lad! Lemme get the pie knife!â ClawgripFan9001 chimed affirmatively as he grabbed his pie knife and used it to cut two slices out of the freshly baked Blue Finley Pie and put them on two separate plates, sliding one plate towards Cosmo. âYar, eat up, lad! Ye deserve it fer beinâ such a darn good travel guide!â The Sidestepper grinned before picking up his own slice of Blue Finley Pie and beginning to nibble on it.
âAw, thanks.â Cosmo smiled and took a big bite of his pie slice. His eyes sparkled. âOoooooh! This is one of the greatest pies I've ever eaten!â
âYar, jumble me Jolly Rogers! Ye werenât kiddinâ when ye said that Blue Finley meat be tasty like ye wouldnât believe, lad! This be one oâ the best âearty pies Iâve ever âad in me culinary career!â ClawgripFan9001 shared Cosmoâs sentiments regarding the taste of the pie, then shifted his attention towards the readers.
âWell, me posse oâ pabulum pirates, âopefully ye enjoyed this culinary adventure me anâ me boy Cosmo âave taken ye on, anâ âopefully ye found it useful in learninâ âow ta make this tastebud blessinâ pastry from the land down under! I be ClawgripFan9001, that be Cosmo the Cat, anâ I âope ta see ye back again in July!â The Sidestepper happily parted with the readers for the month as he joyfully waved them off.
âThanks for reading everybody!â Cosmo waved. âI hope you liked my guest appearance! Good luck with your pie!â
Yar, so this be everythinâ ye need fer makinâ Cosmoâs Blue Finley Pie!
Ingredients
- A large ounce oâ Blue Finley meat
- A big batch oâ climbinâ grass locally sourced from the Lost Mangroves
- A medium sample oâ Plump Yellow Fruit
- Poplin Oil
- Goombaâs Dough
- Salt (Optional)
- Pepper (Optional)
- Additional sauces like ketchup (Optional)
- A tall glass oâ Yoshi-Ade (Though other drinks can be used as alternatives)
Appliances
- At least three knives (A fish knife, a vegetable knife anâ a pie knife)
- A mortar anâ pestle
- A portable oven anâ stove combo
- A fryinâ pan
- A pie tin
- A spatula
- A pair oâ oven mitts
Instructions
- Cut up anâ fillet the Blue Finley, ground the climbinâ grass into rosemary anâ thyme, anâ chop the Plump Yellow Fruit into pieces.
- Preheat yer portable oven ta four-âundred-anâ-twenty-five degrees Fahrenheit or two-âundred-anâ-eighteen degrees Celsius. Then ye âeat up a pan ta three-âundred-anâ-seventy-five degrees Fahrenheit or one-âundred-anâ-ninety degrees Celsius.
- Usinâ the recommended Poplin Oil, ye fry the Blue Finley fer âbout five minutes, then ye put it in the pie tin along with pie crust made outta Goombaâs Dough anâ mix it with the Plump Yellow Fruit. Then ye season it with part oâ the rosemary anâ thyme, but be sure ta leave some fer the rest oâ the seasoninâ later.
- Put the pie in the oven, let it cook fer forty minutes, take it out anâ season it with the remaininâ amount oâ rosemary anâ thyme. Ye can additionally opt ta season it with salt, pepper anâ different kinds oâ sauces, anâ serve with a tall glass oâ Yoshi-Ade, though other drinks can be used as alternatives.
Yar, now if this donât be a succulent pastry dish, I dunno what the âeck is. Anyway, this be everythinâ I got ta say fer this month, mateys. Like I said, I wanna thank Cosmo fer joininâ me on tâdayâs culinary adventure, anâ I wanna thank ye fer readinâ. I âope ta see ye back again in July, when weâll be takinâ a look at another delicious dish fer ye ta try yer culinary luck at.
The Ghostly Dossier
Written by: Golddude64 (talk)
Hello everyone! My name is Goldoo and I'm working here as Professor E. Gadd's apprentice. He saw me reading The 'Shroom and told me I should write an article about ghosts to show off his research, so I decided to write about the Gold Ghost! (one of my personal favorites)
The Catch
I was planning on watching the Gold Ghosts in E. Gadd's lab, but he told me he had no Gold Ghosts in containment. I asked him why, and he told me that all of the ones he had were in a painting, and he never bothered to take them out for analysis because it would do a number on his electricity bill (as if it's not high already) so⌠I begrudgingly stepped foot into the mansion, clutching the Poltergust to my chest a bit too tightly. I then saw an orange glow fly up the Foyer and through a door, when I followed it and walked into the room, it was filled with Gold Ghosts!! I captured each and every one for analysis⌠then I tripped on the way out and all but one ghost flew out the PoltergustâŚ
Analysis
Gold Ghosts are mysterious creatures, they have a Spectral Mass of 4-5W. And they don't seem to be dead..? I've run several tests on them to see what they were like when they were alive and⌠it's complicated. It seems that they never died, and in fact they are creatures with ghostly properties. Compared to other ghosts like Neville, who was once alive, Gold Ghosts have only data on what they've been up to recently, no info on cause of death or anything to suggest that they are even dead! I suspect the same is true for Purple Punchers and Twirlers as well as all the other basic-level ghosts. I also suspect that the same may be true for Boos, but there is nothing to support the theory and collecting data on them is extremely dangerous. I'll have to study more basic-level ghosts to conclude this theory.
The End
Well, that concludes this month's analysis! See you next time!
| Marioâs Crazy Battles for Spaghetti | |||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
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| Developer | Nintendo EPD, 1-UP Studio | ||||||
| Platform | Nintendo Switch 1 | ||||||
| Release date | June 4th, 2025 | ||||||
| Languages | English (United States) English (United Kingdom) Japanese Chinese (Simplified) Chinese (Traditional) Dutch French (Canada) French (France) German Italian Korean Portuguese (Brazil) Portuguese (Portugal) Russian Spanish (Latin America) Spanish (Spain) | ||||||
| Genre | Battle Royale | ||||||
| Ratings |
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| Modes | Single Player Multiplayer (2-4 players) Local Wireless Play (2-8 players) Online Play (2-12 players) LAN Play (2-12 players) | ||||||
| Format | Nintendo Switch:  Game Card Digital download | ||||||
| Input | Nintendo Switch:  Joy-Con (horizontal) | ||||||
- Everyone 10+
- All ages
- Seven years and older
Hello, all readers. My name is Aomaf. Everyone knows that next month will be the release of the Nintendo Switch 2 with its 90âŹ/$80 Mario Kart World, but there is one last Mario game set to be released on the original Switch one day before the release of the new console. I was lucky enough to get early access from Nintendo (thanks, Nintendo!), and so today I am going to review the game. ăˇ
Story
The story for the story mode is okay - just okay.
As the story goes, Bowser is buying an Italian restaurant for evil's sake, thinking by running a restaurant, he will drive the Mario Bros. mad trying to figure out what he is doing, and has made a competition to promote the restaurant. Many have been invited to take part in a battle royale, with the winner receiving 111,999,888,555 coins and everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom is eligible to join the competition. While Bowser makes commercials saying he made this restaurant so he could do something "good" for a change, when Mario and Luigi find out their favorite stores are out of spaghetti, they begin to think this is a scheme to keep them from enjoying their favorite food. With help from their friends, and competitors like Wario and Waluigi drawn in by the promise of money, they join to investigate!
While this story is funky and meant to be zany and mad, I also think it doesn't make much sense. Stores running out of spaghetti doesn't hurt the Bros. when they have other foods they can make (say hello to famous quote from Hotel Mario! They can eat bagels and toast or the princess can make lotsa spaghetti). I laughed, but there wasn't enough thought put into it. It is funny enough to be above average, but not a good enough story to get above seven.
Story Grade: 7/10
Gameplay
In battle royale mode, you must throw spaghetti to hit and eliminate your enemies, and in the story mode, you unlock maps and characters as you win matches. Unfortunately the online play in this game is so laggy!
Power-ups in this game can shake up the gameplay. For example, Madness Mushrooms will attack all your enemies. A colander is available as an armor power-up, and a spaghetti scoop makes your throw go farther as a weapon power-up.
Oh, about characters, ten characters are available from the start of the game:
- Mario
- Luigi
- Peach
- Toad
- Donkey Kong
- Diddy Kong
- Wario
- Waluigi
- Daisy
- Rosalina
Maps are where another point is lost on top of the lag. While the weapon system and core gameplay are alright, the maps are so gimmicky. I only had time to try one, so I picked Peach's Castle. This map had cannons like Mario 64, which would take you to the castle roof, but since everyone was split between the roof and the ground, battles really slowed down. Another gimmick was a robotic lawn mower. It kept getting in the way and would stun you when it hit! So annoying!
Gameplay Grade: 8/10
Graphics
This is in most ways the best-looking game for the Nintendo Switch 1 with good optimization and epic FX. For example, the splatter from a plate of spaghetti hitting someone looks very realistic, and there are super realistic clothing and hair physics impressive for Switch 1. There are also good-looking textures, but some models, for example trees and Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong, which look like they're from an N64 or PS1 game (yes, I know the FX being good and the characters being bad is an odd juxtaposition, but it is Nintendo's fault, not mine). It is like they rushed models for the Kongs. If I had to guess, because Donkey Kong is not using his new Bananza design, I think it is because they added the Kongs just before release and did it very rushed and quickly.
Graphics Grade: 9/10
Overall
This game is good, but a bit boring in its story and could use an update to its rough models. Maps with fewer gimmicks would be nice. I hear rumors about a Nintendo Switch 2 Edition of this game set to be released during the holiday season 2025. If the problems can be fixed for Switch 2, it can go up from eight out of ten to nine or ten out of ten.
Overall Grade: 8/10
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace and ClawgripFan9001
Lost Mangroves: Well, Found Mangroves Now
Hello again, travel guide fans! You may remember last month I was stranded in a random place in the middle of nowhere. Fortunately, after a few minutes of walking, I realised where I was! âŚI was in a park. In New Wikisburg.
After that disappointing conclusion though, I returned home to begin thinking up ideas for a new travel guide. Racking my brain, I remembered the time Boo1268 and I ventured to Autumn Heights. On the way, we stopped at an island filled with luscious plants. It was incredibly relaxing, but we soon had to continue on our journey.
I concluded that this island would be a perfect holiday destination! However, I would need a good sea captain to help me locate it again. Of course, I sent a message to ClawgripFan9001. A few days later, I got this response:
"Yar, I can take ye there no questions asked, lad. Maybe ye can teach me 'ow ta make one o' yer special recipes fer me Cookin' Guide column in exchange fer me services?"
So we set off, adventured and cooked, and you can read all about it in Cooking Guide. Anyway, let's get to what you all came here for!
Attractions
Lost Mangroves is a relatively relaxing place. It can be dangerous, which means you'll have a tour guide with you for most of your journey. Activities range from ziplining to scuba diving, all in a beautiful natural habitat.
Some highlights include the minecart rollercoaster, a completely safe (not safe) track running through treetops. You'll have to think fast as you avoid obstacles. No really otherwise you'll die. Additionally, there is the famous Cirque Du Sealion, which has some unfriendly inhabitants, but if you get a pass inside, you'll get to sea an amazing show. Sea what I did there?
"Yar, if ye be feelin' adventurous, ye can get yer tour guide ta take ye o'er ta the many lagoons, coves an' rainforests ta catch the freshest ingredients ye can find fer some pretty exotic dishes. Ye might need ta bring yer own cookin' supplies, unless ye be fortunate enough ta run into a Funky's Fly 'n' Buy out there, but that's 'alf the fun, aye? An' if ye be in the mood fer nature strolls, ye can always ask yer tour guide 'bout takin' ye fer a natural hike 'cross the wilderness o' the island."
Practical Advice
Yeah, the Lost Mangroves can be a little dangerous. I had a few close calls myself.
Safety Advice
Don't wander off into the middle of nowhere, obviously. Stay in shelter at night, don't swim out too far. Stay with your tour guide. Don't eat random plants. Especially not the mushrooms. They don't even taste good!
"When ye be goin' out there, ye better just beware o' the local wildlife, such as the feisty Blue Finley, which be quite the challenging catch that beginnin' or otherwise amateur anglers aren't recommended tryin' their luck with less ye wanna break yer fishin' rod or risk gettin' yanked into the deep blue yerself. Monocle Monicas be 'nother pesky critter ye wanna watch out fer out there, 'cause they'll be takin' ye fer involuntary flyin' lessons if ye get too close an' don't 'appen ta 'ave protection with ye. Finally, ye might wanna keep yer guard up when faced with Punchy Paddies. These jumpy jerks live up ta their name, fer they be packin' quite some punch if ye come near 'em."
Travel
You can take a cruise to Lost Mangroves thanks to the partnership between The Sunshine Travel Agency and Daisy Cruise Ships. For once, there's a normal and convenient way to get to one of these locations.
Weather
Very temperate climate, actually. Nothing notable or funny to say here, soooo.
Accomodation
You don't need to stay overnight at Lost Mangroves, we're offering day trips as well. If you do want to stay though, there are a few cabins being set up by The Sunshine Travel Agency, but you can find other ways to sleep.
"If ye fancy yerselves an outdoors type, there are some areas o' the Lost Mangroves suitable fer campin', mainly the sandy beaches on the west side o' the island, but ye can camp out by the lagoons and bayous if ye please. Just be careful ye don't upset the local wildlife if ye do, an' be sure ta 'ave a tour guide or rescue service campin' with ye at all times ta keep things from goin' awry."
Food
You know what, this deserves its own big header today.
Food
There we go. Lost Mangroves contains some of the freshest and tastiest ingredients in whichever hemisphere it's in. Alright, I didn't ace Geography. If you've already read Cooking Guide, you know about the Blue Finley Pie, a crispy pie with a variety of flavours. However, there's many other dining delicacies made with Lost Mangrove ingredients.
The Stuffed Plump Fruit is a colourful and juicy dish, guaranteed to amaze your taste buds. As the name implies, a key ingredient of this cuisine is the Plump Yellow Fruit. It is then stuffed with all other kinds of fruits, like bananas.
"Yar, now we be gettin' into 'nother one o' me familiar territories. This vitamin boostin' delicacy be sure ta keep yer body 'ealthy without the usage of any meats, so if ye got an 'erbivore or vegetarian diet, this dish be perfect fer yer dietary needs."
Another iconic meal is the delicious Seafood Soup. Many sea creatures such as Finleys and Gordos are mixed into a steaming hot soup. Truly a gourmet dish.
"Argh, a tasty treat fer any seasoned seafarer such as meself. A succulent soup with all sorts o' meaty critters o' the sea mixed in. Perfect fer protein intake or other carnivorous dietary needs."
Of course, there are simpler dishes as well. Banana Cake, Fried Dozy, and Venus Trap Salad. Many ingredients can be made into scrumptious snacks without much hassle. Delicious!
"If ye be low on time durin' yer travels through the Lost Mangroves, ye can always settle fer the more basic food options. The Banana Cake, fer instance, be a rather simple but still rather tasty pastry made outta the freshest bananas ye can find in this neck o' the Mushroom World. It is one o' the more spongy types o' pastries though, so if ye don't like spongy dishes, then I don't recommend makin' this if ye come out ta the Lost Mangroves."
Souvenirs
| Banana coin | ||
|---|---|---|
|
Yeah, I found some of these floating around. They're really nice and shinyâŚBut they don't taste good. TRUST ME. | |
| PRICE: | Just find one | |
| Barrel Cannon | ||
|---|---|---|
|
Yes, I know. This isn't even a souvenir. Well, sorry. It's not like there's a souvenir stand or something on this deserted island. | |
| PRICE: | Same as the other one | |
Conclusion
Well, that's it for this issue. I'm really ready for a rest after this deserted island journey⌠I guess the life of a travel agency CEO is busy. Anyway, remember if you want to suggest anything for this humble travel guide, just contact me on the forums. Anyway, I have a meeting to get toâŚ
"Yar, thanks fer readin' this very special issue o' The Sunshine Travel Guide, mateys! Special thanks ta Cosmo fer allowin' me ta give me insight on t'day's travel destination, an' I 'ope ta see ye again sometime!"
Fungal Forager's Field Guide
Written by: Patisserie Shoey (talk) and W.P. Hoodington (talk)
The following modified transcript is provided to The 'Shroom by MKBC. In this month's episode, the Fungal Forager's Field Guide's crew takes a trip to Pinna Park to trap one of the island's sleepy Sunflowermunching Snooza Koopas.
Species: Snooza Koopa
Documented Range: Pinna Island, Isle Delfino (extirpated)
Family: Torpid Trionychidae
Naturalist's Note: Reliant upon Yoshis for shells, Snooza Koopa populations dropped precipitously before a reintroduction program brought Yoshis back to Pinna Island!
The Snooza Koopa, confined to the Delfinian Archipelago, represents remarkably what adaptations arise in response to island life. Thought to have arrived on Isle Delfino and Pinna Island long ago in times when the Mare culture of the ancient Nokis was at its peak, the last common ancestors of the better-known Koopa Troopas and our contemporary Snooza Koopas arrived on an island paradise free of predators. With fish and shellfish abundant, the Mare peoples rarely turned their nets on them, and only Chain Chomps far into the isle's interior posed any predation threat. Freed from any selective pressure to defend themselves, the shells of these early arrivals were reduced over generations, softening over time. In a classic case of island gigantism, these Snooza Koopa relatives grew larger over generations, with some reaching sizes that could dwarf even a Pianta! With food so abundant and quick escape rendered mostly unnecessary, the pressure to maintain a streamlined shape or powerful muscles faded in tandem with their growing size, resulting in the hampered mobility observed in Snooza Koopas.
The Eden of these Koopas was not to last, however. Over time, species capable of threatening them established themselves on the islands, such as Yoshis and the distantly-related Electro-Koopas, and the decline of the Mare peoples coincided with the expansion of the Piantas, who proved more willing to turn them into traditional soups on which I'm certain Shoe will advise you. This is where the history of the Snooza Koopas takes a fascinating turn. Now once again at risk of predation, the Snooza Koopas adapted not through immense physiological change, but through a behavioral change. Yes, at risk, Snooza Koopas began pilfering the broken shells of Yoshis to cover their own softened shells, offering protection that allowed them to outcompete their shell-less cohorts, with this shell-stealing behavior becoming prevalent and instinctual throughout the species over decades.
These Yoshi shells, combined with the size and weight of Snooza Koopas, make for a remarkable defense. A Snooza Koopa can shrug off the blast of even a Bob-omb, and the eggshell is thick enough to resist even the electricity of the larger Red Electro-Koopas. So sturdy and unbothered by the world at large is a buried Snooza Koopa that a sarcastic adage on Isle Delfino compares Snooza Koopas to an intractable problem which someone naively claims to have solved. As locals say, "and you will ride a sleeping Snooza Koopa into the sea, too". While Snooza Koopas generally prefer to remain buried in the face of danger, a persistent Swipin' Stu or a Pokey which agitates one enough will discover that Snooza Koopas are not entirely peaceable or defenseless. An irate Snooza Koopa will leap high into the air and flip in an attempt to crash down on a potential predator, its sturdy shell protecting it from harm and its weight incapacitating or killing its target.
While even a missed leap often scares away the threat, it's not uncommon for a Snooza Koopa to end up half-buried in the sands on its back after a leap, struggling to extract itself and flip back over. A hardened plastron protects the Snooza Koopa from some harm even in this state, but occasionally a Snooza Koopa will be found stuck on its back having starved to death, often with its flippers nibbled on by Swipin' Stus. This is why you ought not to approach any spotted shells in the sand! Even if you escape injury, the Snooza Koopa may not come out of the encounter safe and sound! Now you may see why Snooza Koopas typically hunker down and do not react to threats if they can help it, as well.
As a final note, it would be remiss of me not to speak on the interdependence of Snooza Koopas and Delfinian Yoshis. Once upon a time, popular narrative had it that the Snooza Koopas had driven the Yoshis of Isle Delfino away from the island by posing as them and maligning them in the eyes of the islanders. This fanciful tale both both wrongly attributes malicious forethought to the Snooza Koopas and ignores the root cause of the decline of Yoshis on Isle Delfino - as well as its effects on the Snooza Koopa! In truth, it was development of Isle Delfino as a tourist destination which pushed the Yoshis to the brink. Between the stress on their habitat that development of locals such as Delfino Plaza and Pinna Park brought, and the injuries and broken eggs left behind by overeager tourists who hoped to see a wild Yoshi up close without a costly trip to Dinosaur Land, Yoshi populations declined to the point they were eliminated in the wild. Left without Yoshis to produce the eggshells they use for protection, Snooza Koopa populations subsequently declined, disrupting in turn the flora distribution on the island. A reintroduction program has since brought Yoshis back to Pinna Island, and there a population of Snooza Koopas has recovered enough to permit some hunting, but this history ought to serve as a reminder of how interconnected the ecosystems around us are!
Delicacy Status: Tropical Testudine
Weight: 10-20 pounds
Flavor Profile: Saltwater chicken
Chef's Tip: In a pinch, Snooza Koopa arms can be used as a fin substitute for Sushi fin soup!
In order to harvest the Snooza Koopa's meat, you're gonna have to crack the shell of a Snooza Koopa, and that's no easy feat. While, yes, you could simply lay it on its back and take a hammer to its underbelly to smash it, somewhat unique to the Snooza Koopa is that its plastron is actually harder than its top shell. This is because Snooza Koopas evolved to steal the eggs of Yoshi, so their top shells are significantly underdeveloped! While on the island, a local Pianta showed me the traditional way to crack a Snooza Koopa's shell. What you do is simply flip the Snooza Koopa onto its side, then you leap high in the air and land on its belly with a ground pound. The force of this will smash both the Yoshi Egg on its back and the top shell, allowing you to start harvesting the meat.
The traditional Snooza Koopa dish is Snooza Koopa soup. Harvest the meat from the stomach area, making sure to collect as much muscle as possible (but try to avoid putting in the intestinal tract as possible). Then set a pot to boil on medium to medium high. For your broth, you're going to want to use about five Delfinian Coconuts' worth of milk, two cups of Isle Delfino Pineapple juice, two cups of water (you can use any water you'd like, although I prefer to use distilled sea water), and finally add salt and pepper to taste. Let that boil for about 10-12 minutes, and once that is done, it's time to add your fruits! Now, you can go a couple different ways here depending on how you want the soup to go. You could do Island Style - that's where you add all the traditional fruits from the Isle Delfino such as the meat of two of those coconuts, half a pineapple, two chopped bananas, one papaya (with skin), 1/4th cup of chopped durian, and finally three full peppers for a little kick. Then you add the Snooza Koopa meat and stir for 15 minutes more while it boils. And there you have it, a traditional island soup!
But here's the thing - while this is the most authentic way to make Snooza Koopa soup, I find it to be a little disjointed. It's clear that this is little more than a finely-crafted "this is all the food we have, throw it in a pot and boil it" recipe, and I think we can do better.
So we're going to keep the majority of the broth the same. The only thing we're going to change about the broth is throwing in a cup of honey syrup as a little bit of a sweetener. But our fruits are going to be almost completely different! Now, one thing we're going to stick with is the Isle Delfino Chili Pepper, but this time, instead of three full ones, we're going to use two full chili peppers and one chopped one. Now you might think this sounds odd, but trust me, this will allow the spice to more evenly flow through the soup. Next, we're going to import some blue bananas from Donkey Kong Isle, once again chopping one up and throwing two full (but peeled) bananas into the soup. Now, if you don't, know blue bananas have a very calm, almost cold flavor to them, which you might think won't work with spiciness of Isle Delfino Chili Pepper or the sweetness of our soup's broth. Normally you'd be right, but that's where our last ingredient comes into play. Here, we add a single Black Apple from the Overthere Stair.
The Black Apple is a very peculiar ingredient. It's possibly the most bitter fruit in the world, so bitter that in the vast majority of dishes, even the smallest bit of a Black Apple can completely ruin the dish. But with that in mind, you gotta trust me! What you want to do is peel the Black Apple but keep the skin. Next, finely chop up the Black Apple into cubes. Now, place the skin like a ring around the outer portion of the broth, then place the cubes in the middle. Now, set the temperature to maximum heat and stir for about 15 minutes. What this is going to do is almost liquefy the fruits you've added in. And you might be thinking, "Patisserie Shoey, this broth sounds like a flavor and texture nightmare!!!", but just trust me. After 15 minutes, put your heat back to medium and add your Snooza Koopa meat. Let it simmer in there for about 12 minutes or until the meat is cooked, then serve. You'll find that all those extreme flavors we added in are completely balanced. The calm blue banana and the spice of the chili pepper are perfectly balanced. The bitterness of the Black Apple and the sweetness of the island fruits will perfectly complement each other. Then you've got the Snooza Koopa meat, a perfectly tender melting-in-your-mouth meat that tastes like a combination of the finest chicken ever raised with just a hint of the sea. This is without a doubt one of the finest soups you could ever serve! And I'm not going to lie, it will be pricey to put together, especially the fresh Snooza Koopa and the Black Apple, but I guarantee you that any guest that has a bowl of this soup will think you're a culinary master!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 218 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes ⢠The 'Shroom Spotlight ⢠Poochy's Picks ⢠'Shroomfest Highlights ⢠Credits |
| Features | Fake News ⢠Fun Stuff ⢠Palette Swap ⢠Pipe Plaza ⢠Critic Corner ⢠Strategy Wing |
