The 'Shroom:Issue 181/Fake News
Director Notes
As we spring into the warmer months we continue our paper with excitement and anticipation for the awards season. Make sure to check for such events in the coming months - they're surely worth looking out for.
AS for notable features this month, we have a nice little feedback survey for you to fill out. Please do so - it helps out our paper greatly.
In addition, this month marks a hundred issues of Yoshi876 (talk), a frequent writer for Fake News, running the spotlight! Check out the special staff notes this time - and keep in mind the hip sports theme which dominates many of this month's sections!
In terms of Fake News specifically, we have a new one-off section from our sub-director, Waluigi Time (talk), being Game Corner, as well as the expected News Flush section. Be sure to read them.
If you have an interest in writing for the paper, be sure to check out the sign up page.
Section of the Month
There was a strong voter turnout last month, with sixteen votes for GBAToad (talk)'s Horrorscopes, thirteen for Quizmelon (talk)'s TV Tomorrow, and eleven for Hooded Pitohui (talk) and Mustard Machine (talk)'s Mushroom Tribune, composing the top three with some mild voting for other sections. Thanks to all our voters and writers, and continue to vote, vote, and vote!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Horrorscopes | 16 | 26.23% | GBAToad |
| 2nd | TV Tomorrow | 13 | 21.31% | Quizmelon |
| 3rd | Mushroom Tribune | 11 | 18.03% | Hooded Pitohui & Mustard Machine |
Written by: Parshoe G. Shoelow (talk)
Singing Fish Recalled Following Reports of Disturbing Songs
Deimos Matrix Corp., creator of popular product "the singing, wall-mounted fish, Baron Von Hooks," has issued a targeted recall of the product. The singing fish, which sings such classics as "Mama Brickironi" and "Big Iron," was reintroduced last month and has proven to be a smash hit already, selling over two million units. But some consumers have reported strange glitches and the fish singing songs that try to convince them to commit murder. The blog Fishglitch.com was the first outlet to report on this issue, reporting that, despite being rated for 60 hours of play, after about 30 hours, the fish begins to turn on by itself, as if the button is stuck. This, according to the blog, lasts about 10 hours, and then the songs start to glitch out. Lyrics that consumers have reportedly heard have included:
♪ When the Moon ♪
♪ Hit your eye ♪
♪ Stab someone in the eye, ♪
♪ Do a murder ♪
♪ Hello Muddah ♪
♪ Hello Faddah ♪
♪ I think you should ♪
♪ Kill your lover. ♪
These are just a few of the examples the blog listed. There have even been reports of the fish's speaker playing low-pitched static that sounds like it's whispering "kill them.".
For its part, Deimos Matrix Corp. has issued what they call a targeted recall, saying that any customers with a malfunctioning unit may ship them in for a replacement voice box. We reached out to Deimos Matrix CEO, Deimos, who had this to say:
First, let me be clear there is no truth to the the rumor that each Baron Von Hooks singing fish contains a small part of a demon's soul endowed with the sole desire to drive people to kill. That's a ridiculous rumor, only spread by conspiracy theorists and nutjobs. The truth is simple. In our haste to get as many Baron Von Hooks on the shelves as possible, we neglected some of our usual quality tests, and what we found is some of the voice boxes we used were not up to our usual high standard. We believe that only a small number of consumers will be affected by this, probably less than five percent. Nonetheless, that is what's happening; there are no demons, blood rituals, or pacts with devils. Simply put, we used inferior parts that are causing a select few Baron Von Hooks to glitch out. It's a mistake that we at Deimos Matrix take full responsibility for, and that's why we're offering anyone with an affected machine repairs free of charge.
While Deimos Matrix Corp. estimates that only five percent of units will be affected, independent auditors have reported to us that up to twenty-five percent of all units could see this problem. If your Baron Von Hooks is currently being affected by a bad voice box you can send it to 3670 Someone please recreate the Mario Kart Speedometer Article Rd. Neo Bowser City, MW 60606 with a letter explaining the problem
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Mustard Machine (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Conservationist Group Declares Pit Plant Extinct:
With the release of the Inter-Kingdom Assembly for Environmental Preservation's Summary Report: 2022, Pit Plants have officially been reclassified from "critically endangered" to "extinct". Years of population decline resulted in the population of Pit Plants, endemic to Dry Dry Desert, falling from an estimated 400 individuals in 1990 to just a single known individual in 2017. Biologists monitored the single remaining individual in hopes that the plant, known to be a mast seeder, might survive long enough to produce a large brood. The brood expected in 2019 failed to materialize, with the seeds produced by the plant declared unviable.
According to the report, habitat fragmentation resulting from development projects in Dry Dry Desert is was the biggest contributor to the decline of the species. W. P. Hoodington, a biologist who contributed to the IKEP's annual report, had the following to say when asked about the Pit Plant's death:
I can't deny that this is a loss for conservationists and researchers in the Mushroom Kingdom, but I can't say this wasn't to be expected, either. We've been warning the public and the government for years that this was inevitable, the way things were going. These plants required a large population of Pokeys and Nomadimice - their prey - to sustain themselves, and if you fragment the desert with roads and oil-drilling operations, there won't be enough of them moving through any given area to sustain these plants.
A single Pit Plant was prominently featured in the Mario Kart Racing Association's 2003 Double Dash!! circuit's Dry Dry Desert race. The MKRA's decision to build a race course in an area of the desert home to one of the critically endangered plants attracted controversy, with conservationists attempting repeatedly to obstruct the track's construction through legal means and by putting the issue in the public eye. While the MKRA and the Dry Dry Outpost municipal government, which supported the track's creation, defeated the legal challenges, the MKRA attempted to blunt the criticism by including the Pit Plant as an obstacle on the track and by using the race as an opportunity to, according to then MKRA spokesperson, Lakilloyd, "raise public awareness of the challenges facing Pit Plants".
Conservationists decried the MKRA's efforts as "token, band-aid attempts at sweeping severe damage under the rug." Thanks in part to the public awareness campaigns orchestrated by conservationists, the MKRA's move became the biggest public relations disaster faced by the MKRA in the 2000s. Public opinion turned against the MKRA swiftly. Days after the race, members of the activist group Biting the Warp Pipe were arrested after setting off Bob-ombs on the track in an apparent act of protest. Races on the track were infrequent in the following years, as the MKRA attempted to put the debacle behind them. When the MKRA announced a grand return to Dry Dry Desert for the 2014 Banana Cup, memories of the organization's misstep resurfaced. The public took to social media to denounce the extensive maintenance and expansion work going on at the track, and, while the MKRA was initially silent on the matter, pre-emptively mocked the possibility of the MKRA featuring a Pit Plant in the race through essays and memes. A month before the race began, bowing to public pressure, the MKRA announced that no Pit Plant would appear in the race.
Even today, the debate regarding who, if anyone, should shoulder the blame for the demise of this species continues.
For further thoughts on the extinction of Pit Plants and its importance to readers, we turn to Hooded Pitohui and Shoey, our long-time correspondents.
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Let me be blunt. This was entirely preventable. Biologists have, for decades, warned the municipal government of Dry Dry Outpost and bureaucrats in Toad Town that we were on course to lose the Pit Plant if we failed to drastically change our approach to development in the Dry Dry Desert while making a concerted and deliberate effort to support the species. Development in the region, while important in its own right, has been marked by an unsustainable approach, the Dry Dry Outpost city council, blinded by the promise of an influx of cash, has shown little effort in reining in the oil drilling operations and racetrack builders. Biologists and conservationists made clear exactly what path we were on and outlined a clear vision for getting off that path, but the government, even confronted with strong evidence that the public favored conservation over large projects like those undertaken by the MKRA, has completely and utterly failed to protect the Kingdom's interests in the desert. Conservationists cared enough to collect and preserve the seeds of Pit Plants to avoid a loss of genetic diversity while planning a long-term breeding and population restoration operation; the government sat back and denied them the funding and support they needed. Now, I know what my colleague will say, and, to that, I say, how certain can you be that Pit Plants were not valuable in their own right? Even if we set aside their intrinsic value as living beings, even if we set aside the possibility of discovering a compound they use to survive in the desert that may have medical or industrial application, we must recognize the role Pit Plants played in Pokey population control and water restoration. Water, scarce as it is there, is a precious commodity in the Dry Dry Desert, and Pit Plants played an invaluable role in removing toxins and pollutants in the little water found in the desert. Pokeys simply cannot fulfill that role with the comparatively limited amount of water they uptake in their lifetimes. Furthermore, do you think it is a coincidence that the Pokey population has boomed as the Pit Plant population has declined? Yes, Pokey populations are still far lower than they were in the 1980s as a result of habitat fragmentation, but desert dwellers who have been used to a Pokey populations in the low 600s are now having to deal with a population numbering 1500. It's little wonder that Dry Dry Outpost has had to place a bounty on the cactus creatures, wasting money paying hunters to cull them. Let this be a lesson to local governments all across the kingdom. You will pay the costs if, through your inaction, you allow more endangered species to go the way of the Pit Plant. |
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I apologize if I come off as harsh, but I must speak my mind. In my opinion, the loss of the Pit Plant, while unfortunate, is an acceptable loss. These man-eating plants, while beautiful from afar, were a menace to travelers in the desert. How many stories have we heard of lost travelers being suddenly sucked into the gaping maw of these giant plants? Even the nomadic Nomadimice, who spend their lives traversing the desert, told tales of experienced rangers meeting a horrible end after being swallowed hole by these giant plants. Now, I will concede that, for the scientific community, the loss of the Pit Plant deprives of them of directly researching what is thought to be one of the closest equivalents to the Shroomiferous era, when giant plants ruled the Mushroom World, but the fact is, from an evolutionary perspective, these plants honestly evolved in a very poor way. The Pit Plant produces surprisingly brittle seeds, with researchers, while attempting to transfer the seeds to research facilities, finding that nearly 80% of them would be destroyed during the transfer. Pit Plants also often emitted too many seeds, probably as an evolutionary trait left from when the desert was less developed. This caused too many seeds to land in the same area, causing the seeds to essentially kill each other while fighting for limited resources. In addition, the seeds require sand that's both deep so they can plant their roots and soft enough to produce the quicksand the Pit Plant needs to trap its prey. Again, this worked fine in the distant past when the only people in the desert were the nomadic Nomadimice, but, in today's world where cities are growing in the desert, there simply isn't enough room. That's just to get the plants to grow! That's not even getting into the fact that, due to the lack of water in the desert, the Pit Plant has instead evolved to eat meat and Pokeys, with researchers theorizing that they actually use the blood of their prey to supplement the lack of water. Not only that, but the Pit Plant doesn't move once it lays its root. It remains where it is forever, waiting passively for prey to enter its quicksand pits. This means that, with less prey around and, especially now that travelers no longer need to traverse the dangerous paths they wait on, the Pit Plant was always going to struggle and extinction was probably inevitable. Could more have been done? Absolutely! And people, well-meaning conservationists like Hooded, will say we should have designated large swaths of the desert as a nature reserve, and, yes, that would be possible, but like many of their proposals, a closer look will reveal how unrealistic that would be. In order to keep the Pit Plant at a sustainable population, we'd have had to designate hundreds of miles of desert as area for the exclusive purpose of breeding Pit Plants. We would have also had to transport already living Pit Plants to this area, a costly (not to mention dangerous) procedure, since unmatured seeds secured by research teams rarely show signs of life. More could have been done; this is true. And, to many, this is a failure of both the government and the people to act. But let's not let passion get in the way of facts. Pit Plants were a dangerous nuisance and the average citizen won't miss them now that they're gone. |
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Welcome back to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament having a sports-themed match when this is technically a sport already which makes me realize that I probably could have just cheesed the whole thing by picking literally anyone and I still could've passed it off as sports-themed. Well, it's a little late for that now. Oh well. Anyway, after last month's match, we conducted a little investigation on the results. Unfortunately, it turns out that Yakkey's abilities were grossly overstated, so there was no cheating involved on Flifit's part. Turns out Yakkey was not the key to victory after all.
But enough about that, let's get into things! For our first contestant, we have the Foggy Fraud, the Cloudy Con, FOG IMPOSTER!
Originally created from the Phantasmal Fog unleashed by Bowser and Dr. Eggman as part of their plan to sabotage the Olympics a decade ago, these impostors take on the forms of whoever is being thought of by the person who touches the magical fog urn as part of an ancient curse to deter looters! It sounds made up, but we promise it's all real! They exist solely to play sports and their only weakness is being defeated in athletic events. Yeah, their weakness is literally being defeated, but not in the "this is a stupid non-statement" way or the "invincible due to loophole" way. They copy a fraction of the skills of the form that they take, and we decided to make Luigi for reasons that will be apparent later. They also have some degree of intangibility, so that's cool.
And our second contestant is the single greatest fighter to step foot in Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown! That's right, give a big round of applause to none other than the Purple Prodigy himself, the Sultan of Sports, WALUIGI!!
Now you see why we made a Fog Imposter of Luigi! Anyway, it's Waluigi, the man who needs no introduction. Tennis, golf, baseball, basketball, soccer, you name it, he's done it. He's a great fighter too, even if they won't let him into that one tournament everyone keeps talking about... Have you seen him stomp people straight into the ground? And then clobber them with his tennis racket? What a move! He can do lots of other weird stuff too. Weird in a good way, of course.
So, obviously, the winner is going to be Waluigi. That's just the way it goes, sorry.
Waluigi charges in with his tennis racket as the Fog Imposter just stands there. He swings straight over the Fog Imposter's head, but it doesn't do much at all, since the Fog Imposter briefly dissipates before returning to its normal form! And now Waluigi keeps trying to do the same thing with very predictable results. Sorry man, that's not going to get you very far. Well, while he's doing that, I'm going to take this time to shill for- oh nevermind, he's given up. The Fog Imposter is now making gestures that either mean "I challenge you to a tennis match" or "would you like to meet up for lunch on Tuesday". I'm a bit rusty on magical fog people gestures, unfortunately. Given that the Fog Imposter has materialized a tennis racket, I'm going to assume the first one was correct. Guess I'm going to be a different sports announcer today!
The Fog Imposter gets first serve since it's the one materializing the tennis ball! Waluigi hits it back, then the Fog Imposter hits it back again, and... Okay, I don't think I'm cut out to be a tennis announcer. How does anyone do this? It's just the one guy hits it, then the other guy hits it, and that's it until someone messes up. Or maybe they just don't talk the whole time, hmm... It looks like the Fog Imposter's about to get off the first point- wait a minute, Waluigi turned the court into a swimming pool and was able to prevent the Fog Imposter from scoring, and instead takes a point himself! Alright, the score is love-15. See, I know these tennis terms at least!
They're bouncing the ball back and forth again, and you know what, I'm just going to shill for stuff. Like The 'Shroom! Did you know that you can write sections for The 'Shroom by sending an application to our Statistics Manager, Ninja Squid? It's true! Oh, wait a minute, hang on, the Fog Imposter seems to have gotten the better of Waluigi here and scored a point of its own! The score is now 15 all. Anyway, back to shilling. You can also send certain sections to the team directors on a volunteer basis! That's pretty cool, right? What else, what else... Oh look, Waluigi is now using his patented Whirluigi offensive shot! Waluigi scores and briefly blows away the Fog Imposter before it reforms. That brings the score to 15-30.
Hey, how about a joke while they keep doing all that tennis stuff? Okay, you're going to love this one. Why did the chicken cross the road? ... To commit corporate sabotage on the other side! Haha, ha... You see, it's funny because the chicken is Cornelius. Ooh, Waluigi put a lot of oomph into that one! It went straight into the audience, and I'd be a lot more concerned if it wasn't made out of, you know, fog. That's 15-40, so Waluigi needs only one more point to win.
Oh, hey, you know, the Awards are coming up, you should vote Porcupuffer for Worst Enemy! We're really going to save Hammer Bros. this year, I can feel it! Maybe. Oh thank goodness, Waluigi just scored the last point which means he wins! And just like that, the Fog Imposter vanishes into the ether from whence it came. You know, not to overstep or anything, but if my weakness was losing at sports, I don't think I'd be going around challenging people to sports matches. Just a thought.
Alright, that's our sporty match concluded, and Waluigi reigns supreme! As expected, of course. He's Waluigi. Technically it wasn't a proper Smackdown, but Fog Imposters only battle with sports, so it counts! Anyway, if you would like to suggest fighters for next month, please send us your suggestions!
And don't forget, never hire me to commentate a tennis match! I mean, you can if you really want, I'll take the money...
Here’s a fun fact: I am writing this introduction while sitting in the car park of a major rail terminal. I literally just this second saw a dog urinating on a lamppost. Hopefully it is now clearer why I indulge myself in the escapism that is writing TV Tomorrow for the Fake News section of the ‘Shroom. I need not confront the realities that surround me; instead I can wax lyrical about the televisual delights of the Mushroom Kingdom. No dog ever pissed there.
New: Pixelated
MKBC1, 10pm
Genre: Supernatural thriller
This new thriller series revolves around a common horror trope amongst the more finely-animated members of the Mushroom Kingdom, the fear of being converted to 8-bit form. It’s been done many times before, but Pixelated offers a frightening new spin, portraying the resolution drop as the work of a menacing arcane energy, spreading from person to person almost like a virus. Mario, as usual, portrays our protagonist, an explorer setting out to seal the pixelating energy away while watching his colleagues and friends transform into creatures of blocky nightmare.
Cars of the Stars
MKBC2, 8pm
Genre: Motoring show
An unusual concept pulled off to great effect, Cars of the Stars sees car and kart enthusiast Torque (of Circuit Break Island fame) visit Mushroom Kingdom celebrities and find out about their personal vehicles, examining their specifications and putting them to the test in a series of driving exercises. This week, the focus is on Wario and his iconic purple Wario Car that’s being taken out for a spin. Though some of the more analytical stuff will only appeal to true petrolheads, Torque’s engaging presentation style and the amusingly curt banter between him and Wario in today’s episode makes it entertaining watching for any viewer.
Film: Action Princess
SmashFilm, 9pm
Genre: Action comedy film
SmashFilm, the TV channel that seems to be solely funded by one incredibly rich superfan of mediocre action films, is usually a safe haven for all the genre’s most awful crap to get endless reruns. Nevertheless, occasionally a forgotten gem comes back round in their schedules again, and tomorrow it’s Action Princess, the uncreatively-named 90s film starring Peach as herself but with a really massive gun, saving the world from a cabal of unpleasant Monty Moles. It’s worth watching just as much for the witty, self-aware writing than for the action scenes - but don’t stick around afterwards for the three terrible sequels, the last two of which don’t even feature Peach.
Since writing that introduction I have moved from the car park and am now somewhere far more comfortable, with less dog urine. So it’s time to bring this escapism to a close. I must return to paying attention to the world around me, which makes it far easier to avoid walking into pee-soaked lampposts, or completely missing the fact this was meant to be a fitness-themed issue to celebrate the longevity of Yoshi876 and not realizing this until it was too late, whoops. It’s time to return to reality, I think. See you in May!
The Big Cheeses of The Mushroom Kingdom
Baaaaaa-ack, my throat, ouch
- Vid here, for those not in the know, this is The Big Cheeses of The Mushroom Kingdom. I interview villains of the Marioverse, from the most famous baddies to the most obscure bosses from those Gamecube and GBA games you’ve never played.
The good ol’ suggestion box over at Mario Boards got a lot of good requests last month. If you want to recommend the next interviewee, go here. Anyway, after some coin flipping, in probably the fastest tourney to ever be held, I decided on the interviewee, introducing…
Newborn Nuisance
Now you may be wondering, “Vid, are you really going to interview a baby who hasn’t even left his egg yet?”. Look, he can talk, he’s a public menace, fair game. There’s one thing to say about this kid, he’s persistent, pest-sistent if you will. The good ol’ hero we love, Mario, fought this punk six times. Now he may seem unarmed but he’s got a wand and some little imp wings, very fitting. His latest appearance was in Paper Mario The Thousand Year Door, one of those Gamecube games I mentioned but you’ve actually heard of it, in a cameo role. For this interview I’ll be going to Goomba Village to meet this brat so without further ado… This has been Vid Cheese Rolling™ out.
Prologue : A Plea from the Stars and Low Villainy Bars
Vid: Vid here in some woods again, why do so many of these villains live in such far off places? So Mario should've fallen here after getting absolutely wrecked by that Bowser guy, you may know him. He was my first interviewee?
Vid notices the paper-thin plumber laying down on the ground unconscious.
Vid: Oh hey! Speak of the plumber… He looks more two dimensional than usual? Sacrificed a dimension for the story, it seems.
Vid pokes Paper Mario.
Vid: Hey! Hey! Listen! Listen! Mario!
Mario wakes up and picks himself up off the floor and dusts his overalls.
Vid: Hello yooooou.
Mario tilts his head and gives a confused look.
Vid: Uh, hello?
The paper plumber ponders to himself
Vid: Yeesh, man of few words?
Mario’s black dot eyes look up at Vid
Vid: Like I totally say off-screen, A silent protagonist is worse than a silent antagonist.
Vid: A silent antagonist just needs pestering, a silent protagonist needs an actual personality and I can’t exactly make one for them.
The thinner than usual Mario gives an unamused look
Vid: Bah, but don’t feel bad Mr.Red & Blue, at least you’re better than your bro–I mean Mr.L.
Mario : Mr.L?
Vid: Now you talk!
Mario : Yes, I can talk--
Vid: Now I’m going to ask you one little question…
Vid: Can you show me where Goomba Village is?
Mario : Well, I can’t now…
Vid: Dagnabbit! Great, lost in the woods.
Mario : In the middle of nowhere.
Vid: If there’s one piece of paper I really want to find, it’d be a map right about now.
Suddenly Vid & Mario hear rustling in the bushes.
Vid: YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN’T HIDE!!!
???: AAAAAH!!!
The hiding little goomba girl hops out of a bush.
Mario : Why?
Vid: Eh, it’s always been the most effective way to scare someone out of hiding.
???: S-s-so you just wanted to spook me? I’m safe for now?
Vid: Yes, you’re fine.
???: Just for now?!
Vid: No–Ye–You’re safe.
???: Okay…
Vid: See, this is how you leave an impression.
Mario : I appreciate the lesson, I guess.
???: Hold up! Are you Mario?
Mario nods.
Mario : Who are you?
???: Oh, I’m Goombaria!
Vid: I’m Vid, interviewer of villains and currently looking for one.
Goombaria: Hi Vid, I’m not exactly evil, Goompa likes to call me “Lawful Neutral”, whatever that means.
Vid: People call me “Chaotic Neutral” personally.
Mario : Neutral?
Vid: Hey, I’m at least a good set of steps above my interviewees pal, like a good, uh, neutral, quarter of the staircase.
To The Village We Go
Vid: Now kid-
Goombaria: Aren’t you the goat?
Mario : And a hound.
Vid: Do you have any clue where Goomba Village is?
Goombaria: Yeah! I live there with Goombario and Goompa-
Vid: Take us with you, please.
Mario : Us?
Vid: Us.
Mario : Uh, what about a bus or two, and we take both of those and go separate ways?
Vid: Come on M, I’ll need your help! You can do all of that platforming nonsense. I’m not a mountain goat, man.
Mario : Well, if I can help…
Vid: Goombaria! Guide us to Goomba Village!
Goombaria: Alrighty.
Into the village
Vid: This is the place!
Mario : Pretty simple, but feels good to be here.
Goombaria: Goomba Village is small but cozy-
Vid: Hold on for a bit, I have to do something.
Vid opens the door of a house built into a log.
Vid: No plot relevance, no plot relevance, no plot relevance.
Toad: GET OUT!!!
Vid runs back to Mario and Goombaria.
Toad: Stupid interviewers removing the need of the roles of minor characters..
Vid: I’m good now.
Mario : Uh, okay.
Goombaria: Hey, maybe I should introduce you to my family-
Vid: That’d be swell but I have to find Jr.Troopa.
Goombaria: Oh that bully? Why’d you want to find that guy?
Vid: Because he’s my interviewee.
Mario : Junior? How young is this Jr.Troopa.
Vid: Bah, you’re never too young for this thing, it’ll be a learning experience for the ankle-biter
Suddenly, a young Goomba boy walks up to Vid and the gang.
Goombario: Hi Mario! It’s me, Goombario. You don’t know how exciting it is for me to meet you here!
Mario : Hi there, Goombario.
Vid: You’re one genuine celeb Mr.Red & Blue.
Mario : Oh heh heh, I wouldn’t say that. Maybe I'm a little bit of a star heh, no one’s got to be jealous.
Vid: Jump up and off that high horse, “superstar”.
Vid: Now, Goombario, tell me where we can find Jr.Troopa
Goombario: Oh, maybe down on the path right by the gate Goompapa is working on.
Vid: I like you kid, very easy to squeeze info out of you with little to no resistance.
Goombario: Goompapa’s social security number is-
Mario : Woah, woah, don’t need that info.
Vid: Wow, you’re such a party pooper.
Mario : Mama mia…
Goombario: Goompapa! Some people need something!
Goompapa: What is it son? I’m almost done fixing this gate.
Goombario: Mario and one of his friends need to get out of the village!
Vid: Acquaintances.
Goompapa: Alright then, about finished-
An evil cackle ringed through the air.
???: Nyah hah hah hah!
Vid: It’s that old hag with the broom!
???: Excuse you! I’m no hag! I’m a beautiful Koopa with a beautiful name : Kammy Koopa.
Vid: Think what you to want to think I guess.,
Kammy: Ooooh… You’re lucky I don’t have the time to teach you a lesson brat.
Kammy: Listen and listen well, you won’t save the Princess.
Kammy: It’d be laughable of you to try!
Kammy: Now, here’s a goodbye present, straight from Bowser.
Kammy waves her wand around in a circle and lets out a scream.
Kammy rides off on her broom cackling.
Goompapa: I worked on that gate the entire day….
Goombario: Aw gee, how are we going to get past this brick?
Vid: Why not just climb over it, you all look fairly fit.
Vid: Issue theme, check, heh heh.
Goompapa: Go into the house and go get Goompa, we can use his hammer.
Goombaria: I’ll show you to the house, he was working on the veranda after a quake.
It’s April, a bit too early for Fall
Goombaria: Okay the veranda is right out there.
Vid: Let’s go!
Vid pulls Mario out with her by the nose.
Vid: Soooooooooo-
Mario : Do you see the veranda?
Vid: Nope, there’s a very noticeable lack of a veranda.
Mario : Ouch.
Vid: Painful times ahead.
Mario and Vid swiftly fall down through the air.
Vid: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH-
Vid hits the floor hard and Mario gently floats down.
Mario : That wasn’t too bad.
Vid: Youch–My back…
Mario : Are you okay?
Vid: Uh… I’m alive, in pain but alive.
Mario : Phew.
Vid: Goompa should be close… You go left, I’ll go right.
Mario and Vid split up and searched around the area.
Vid: Hello? Any Goompa’s?
Goompa: Yeh?
Vid: You!
Goompa: Hey there Ms.Stranger.
Vid: Look man, I need your hammer to smash a block that’s, well, blocking a path.
Goompa: Oooh, I lost it.
Vid: What?!
Goompa: I lost it, kiddo.
Vid: Like your marbles?!
Goompa: Nope, I sold those at a pawn shop.
Goompa: Anyway, you got a hammer.
Vid: No, why’d you ask?
Goompa: Well, I need a hammer to smash a block right here, that’s, well-
Vid: Darn it! There’s another block?
Goompa: Yep.
Mario suddenly came running over.
Mario : Hey, I found a hammer we could use.
Vid: You get an excellent for that timing pal!
Vid takes the hammer and slams it on the block, smashing it into tiny little pieces.
Vid: Let’s go Red.
They continue to walk until they’re suddenly ambushed by…
The Ankle-biter in an Eggshell
Vid: Finally!
Jr.Troopa: Hey lady, this is my playground! Get off my turf!
Vid: Not before you answer some questions for me!
Jr.Troopa: No way.
Vid: You’re going to answer brat.
Jr.Troopa: Nuh-uh.
Vid: You’re not going to answer brat.
Jr.Troopa: Nuh-uh
Vid: You’ll be answering all my questions?!
Jr.Troopa: Yeah, all of them, you old coot!
Vid: How horrible, how mean and heartless.
Vid: What’s up with your gang? We never see them? Why?
Jr.Troopa: They’re busy doing stuff. Trust me though, they’re real! Legit!
Vid: About as legitimate as any physical copy of a N64 game on Ebay.
Vid: What makes you so persistent?
Jr.Troopa: Revenge, and revenge.
Vid: Sometimes all you need is a redundant motivation.
Vid: Why are you still in your shell?
Jr.Troopa: It’s part of my aesthetic lady. It gives me an intimidation factor.
Vid: The only way I could ever see an eggshell as intimidating is if I was preparing my breakfast for the morning.
Vid: Thank you for answering my questions, kid!
Jr.Troopa: Hey! You tricked me!
Vid: See ya!
Mario : Well, you’re going to be leaving?
Vid: Yep, adios
Mario : Nice to meet you.
Jr.Troopa: I’m going to pound you!
Mario : Oooooh…
Vid: No take backsies!
Thank you for reading!
Consumer Corner
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
You're tuned in to Consumer Corner, bringing you the latest and greatest products from the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond.
It's a beautiful day somewhere in the Mushroom Kingdom, as Toad and Donkey Kong face off in a friendly tennis match. The score is 40-love in Donkey Kong's favor. The necktie-wearing monkey has a giant lead actually, with two games under his metaphorical belt already in a best of five set. Meanwhile, Toad hasn't scored a single point all day. (Yes you need to know all of this, it's important lore!) If none of that makes sense, all you need to know is that it's a very bad day to be Toad.
"I wish I was better at this," Toad squawks. Right on cue, a nearby can of tennis balls begins to shake, and suddenly, that strange cereal magnate Waluigi Time emerges! "DID SOMEONE SAY... whatever it is you said?" he shouts. "AAACK! How did you fit in there?!" Toad wails, asking the question we were all wondering. "Nevermind that! I've brought the answer to your tennis woes! Say hello to the brand new Mega Mushroom Energy Drink!" he says, pulling a can out from under his top hat. "The geniuses and visionairies at Waluigi Time Cereal Inc. have harnessed the power of the Mega Mushroom to give you MEGA ENERGY!!! No need to go to the gym, because now you can just drink this and temporarily become MEGA BUFF while enjoying delicious, natural mushroom flavor! Wahaha!"
Waluigi Time tosses the can to Toad, who clumsily fumbles with it for a bit before getting a good grip on it. He takes a sip and is suddenly MEGA BUFF Toad! Donkey Kong serves and Toad whacks the ball with his tennis racket, sending it clear out of sight! "HOME RUN!" Waluigi Time yells enthusiastically, "Wait, wrong sport... Alright, now pay up." The now MEGA BUFF Toad turns to Waluigi Time. "Why should I pay? I'm MEGA BUFF TOAD! BWAAAAAH!" Toad begins to go on a rampage, prompting Waluigi Time to flee down a nearby warp pipe.
On the other side, Waluigi Time emerges in Bowser's Castle, where Mario and Bowser are locked in fierce combat! Meanwhile, Princess Peach is reading a magazine in a nearby cage, waiting for this whole thing to be over. Waluigi Time witnesses the battle and sees a shilling opportunity! "Hey Mario, catch!" he tosses a can of Mega Mushroom Energy Drink to Mario, but it flies over his head and gets caught by Bowser instead. "Gwahaha! No Shroom Shakes for you, Mario!" he laughs, drinking the whole can and becoming MEGA BUFF! He easily kicks Mario out of the castle, leaving a Mario-shaped hole in the wall. Waluigi Time appears a little embarrassed before regaining his composure. "Behold, the Mega Mushroom Energy Drink! Proven to help you defeat even your greatest enemy! Now pay up!" Rather than agree to Waluigi Time's request, Bowser decides to just roast him to a crisp with fire breath.
Later, Waluigi Time drags himself across a grassy path, before once again encountering MEGA BUFF TOAD! "Oh no, not you again," Waluigi Time grumbles. "BWAAAAAAH!" Toad screeches for no reason whatsoever. "You know what, I should've done this earlier," Waluigi Time says, pulling another can of Mega Mushroom Energy Drink out from under his hat and drinking it himself, becoming MEGA BUFF! Suddenly, Toad reverts to his normal form just as Waluigi Time whacks him into the distance before coming to a realization. "Wait a minute, he still hasn't paid me!"
The Mega Mushroom Energy Drink, all-new from Waluigi Time Cereal Incorporated! Win at sports!* Smash your archnemesis! The possibilities are endless!
"Eat- er, drink this or else! Wahaha!"
* - Use of the Mega Mushroom Energy Drink is strictly prohibited in Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown.
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
| Waluigi Fitness | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Developer | Nintendo EAD |
| Publisher | Nintendo |
| Platform | Nintendo Switch |
| Release | 2022 |
| Genre | Fitness |
After languishing on the sidelines for over two decades, Waluigi finally becomes the star of his own video game in Waluigi Fitness, coming to the Nintendo Switch later in 2022. This game will feature Waluigi participating in various fitness activities, while applying his own bizarre spin to them. Motion controls are intended to be used, however for those who would prefer not to use them, the game also incorporates a "Lazy Mode" that only uses button controls and makes most of the characters in the game break the fourth wall and insult you for refusing to get up off of the couch.
Unlike most Mario spin-offs, the only playable character will be Waluigi himself, however there will be opportunities to unlock many alternate costumes for Waluigi during gameplay, including Golf Waluigi, Tennis Waluigi, Dr. Waluigi, Vampire Waluigi, Bus Driver Waluigi, Beach Waluigi, Gold Waluigi, Biker Waluigi, Luigi Waluigi, Merman Waluigi, Monochrome Waluigi, Rainbow Waluigi, Nauseous Waluigi, Astronaut Waluigi, Giant Head Waluigi, Cowboy Waluigi, Party Waluigi, Frog Waluigi, Pirate Waluigi, Chef Waluigi, 8-Bit Waluigi, Alien Waluigi, Monkey Waluigi, Literally On Fire Waluigi, and Classic Waluigi.
The game will also include online play, with the number of players depending on the mode. Included with online play will be a taunt feature making use of that becomes progressively more obnoxious as you push the button in rapid succession, to delight your friends and random internet strangers! In addition to the standard fare of Waluigi voice clips, there will also be graphics of Waluigi that will take up more space on the screen the longer you use them.
amiibo support has also been confirmed, with plans to release a new line of amiibo depicting Waluigi participating in various fitness activities. These are expected to be even harder to acquire than the original run of Super Smash Bros. amiibo as pre-orders sold out within the first few minutes. Now you can relive the thrilling experience of hunting for limited-availability amiibo and wearing out your F5 key at midnight!
The following game modes are confirmed to be present at launch, with additional modes to be added later via DLC:
Bowling
Ever the cheater, Waluigi has modified his bowling ball to be controllable remotely to give him an edge in the bowling alley. But regular bowling with cheating would be boring, which is why the bowling mode of Waluigi Fitness takes place on various obstacle courses with questionable design choices created by Waluigi himself. Use all of the bowling ball's tricks to reach the end of the course and knock down the pins! Or, play multiplayer with up to eight friends and try to be the first to reach the end, sabotaging your fellow players along the way.
Cycling
In cycling mode, Waluigi hits the streets of the Mushroom Kingdom on his bicycle, with the main goal being to cause havoc by running into things to earn points. The main targets will be Toads, and it has also been confirmed that Luigi rarely makes appearances in this mode and is worth a very large amount of points. There will also be a multiplayer battle mode where up to eight Waluigis can descend on the road, competing to earn points or just ignoring that entirely to knock each other over. It's fun for the whole family! Bike routes will include Toad Town, Coconut Mall, Rainbow Road, and Bowser's Castle.
Golfing
Play across nine different holes on Waluigi's Island designed by Waluigi with a strange array of obstacles. Or if you get bored of golfing, run around the course and whack other players with golf clubs or run them over in your golf cart to mess them up! Anything goes on Waluigi's Island, including shoving your opponents into the water. This mode supports up to eight players or can be played with CPUs.
Pinball
You might think including pinball doesn't make sense in a fitness game, and to that, Waluigi Fitness says "TOO BAD, WALUIGI TIME". No longer relegated to being a race course, Waluigi Pinball will be included as a side mode allowing you to play as it was originally intended. And yes, you can tilt the machine.
Waluigi Fitness is expected to be a major shake-up compared to previous Mario sports games, and is already fueling speculation about the possibility of an entire spinoff franchise based on Waluigi. Whether our purple hero will remain in the spotlight following this outing, well, time will tell. And so will sales figures. Definitely sales figures.
| The 'Shroom: Issue 181 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
| Specials | Feedback Survey |
