The 'Shroom:Issue 180/Fake News
It's March which means its time for a new issue for The 'Shroom! Being a regular month, this is a particularly relaxed issue. There has been no particularly notable developments as of the month, with the exception of The 'Shroom Mafia 4 game, and a bonus section of Peddler's Place by Snack but I do hope you enjoy the issue all the same.
If you have an interest to write for the paper, be sure to check out the sign up page.
Section of the Month
We've had an active month when it came to Section of the Month voting. With over fifty total votes, many readers seem to have been engaged in the voting process. As for results, Quizmelon came in first with seventeen votes for TV Tomorrow, GBAToad netted second with eleven votes for Horrorscopes, and Waluigi Times' Consumer Corner tied with him.
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
|2nd||Consumer Corner||11||17.46%||Waluigi Time|
|4th||Rapid Fire Canon||9||14.29%||Maximumriley|
|5th||Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown||6||9.52%||Waluigi Time|
|6th||The Koopa Times||5||7.49%||Mustard Machine / Hooded Pitohui|
|7th||The Big Cheeses of The Mushroom Kingdom||2||3.17%||Flygon64|
|7th||News Flush||2||3.17%||Hooded Pitohui|
Product Debut Leads to Competitor Crying Fowl
A new product, launched in the highly competitive breakfast industry, has taken New Wikisburg by storm! Kellogg's, the second most popular cereal brand in New Wikisburg, has seen its new product, Uncle Cornelius's Toasted Squares (which are toastable pastries with fruit filling inside of them), get off to a marvelous debut, with both critics and consumers alike showing enthusiasm for the new breakfast. Praised as a quick, easy, and delicious breakfast item for today's hustle and bustle world, Uncle Cornelius's Toasted Squares are flying off the shelves, and, some are arguing, might even allow Kellogg's to overthrow Waluigi Time Cereal as New Wikisburg's number one breakfast food supplier.
With this success has come controversy, as Waluigi Time Cereal has accused Kellogg's of illegally stealing their protected ideas. We reached out to Waluigi Time, CEO of Waluigi Time Cereal, who had this to say:
For three years, we at Waluigi Time Cereal have been working on a concept of a filled pastry that we called "Tasty Toaster Treats". Like Kellogg's new product, our product was a pastry that you could microwave at home. The only difference between the products was that ours was supposed to be a hearty breakfast, with our pastry filled with a delicious mixture of chicken, liver, and onions, not this sissy fruit filling. We even have Cornelius, that hack, on camera looking at some documents during the great tour of Waluigi Time Cereal. Unfortunately, we can't see what documents he is looking at, but I find it hard to believe such a product would come out so shortly after the tour just by coincidence.
Cornelius, for his part, denies all claims of stealing ideas, telling us:
The whole idea is absurd, good chap. The breakfast industry is an intense affair, and those who don't innovate will quickly find themselves doomed to irrelevancy. Do I remember exactly when we started developing Uncle Cornelius's Toasted Squares? I do not, but I know that we've been working on the idea for quite a while! Waluigi Time is trying to lay claim to ownership of the idea of microwavable filled pastries. What's next? Is he going to claim that he's the sole owner of cereal?
Waluigi Time Cereal has filed a lawsuit in the first district court, seeking an immediate injunction prohibiting Kellogg's from selling Uncle Cornelius's Toasted Squares and the forfeiture of all profits from the product. We'll keep you updated as this story progresses
Written by: Snack
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Calls for Banning of Babies in Mario Kart Grow After Triforce Cup Accident:
Last month's Triforce Cup was well on it's way to being a classic, with Dry Bowser, racing in his legendary Bone Rattler, narrowly beating out Toadette in her personalized Master Cycle Zero (given to her for being the winner of the inaugural Triforce Cup) to win the first race at Wario's Gold Mine. In a shocking upset, Dry Bones, driving his personalized Wild Wiggler, took the field by surprise in the next race, dominating the field and winning Rainbow Road by half a lap. But, then, a harrowing incident cast a shadow over the cup during the third race at Ice Ice Outpost. Back in the back on the second lap, competing for 9th place, Baby Luigi, who all cup had been having problems with his Mr. Scooty, was suddenly hit by an errant Green Shell while attempting to cross the glide range. The force of the shell caused Baby Luigi's paraglider to snap, sending Baby Luigi into the frigid water below. Emergency personnel were on the scene as fast as possible and, luckily, Baby Luigi wasn't seriously hurt. This incident, however, has led some to believe that the Mario Kart Racing Association should end the practice of allowing babies to compete in Mario Kart events. We reached out to Cyan Yoshi, leader of "Yoshi's Against Baby Drivers," who had this to say:
It's a miracle something like this didn't happen sooner! You're taking babies, some who were delivered by the Stork as little as six months ago, and you're putting them in these high intensity races where who knows what could happen. It's dangerous, it's reckless, and it needs to stop!
Some have pushed back on the banning of babies. Among opponents of the push is current MKRA Chief Mechanic Torque, who had this to say:
What happened at Ice Ice Outposts was tragic. Nobody is denying that. But each one of our baby racers are highly trained, highly tested athletes. Some of the babies are among the most popular drivers. Are there things we could work on? Yes! For instance, I'm happy to report that we are looking into the next generation of paragliders that will feature stronger supports. We are also looking into a type of heating and cooling system that will prevent temperature shock when a racer drives into the water in Ice Ice Outpost or the lava of Grumble Volcano. What happened at the Triforce Cup was a tragedy, but banning the babies from racing isn't the answer. Instead, we need to look at ways to make the Karts safer and better!
For more perspective on this issue, we turn to longtime columnists Hooded Pitohui and Shoey.
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
The Odyssey of a Squid
A VISIT TO ROGUEPORT
Hello again journal,
What time is it you may be wondering? Well, actually, we are quite close to daytime, which is literally the night after I wrote my last message in here. Tonight was a bit melancholic and I will of course explain you why, since I think this will help me relax a bit.
As I promised myself to do, I had a nice little conversation with the Shmaluigi guy, and I have to admit something. This guy is definitely telling the truth, and what is more impressive is that Shmaluigi is actually a private investigator! Who could have believed such a thing?
I had so many questions to ask that guy, but I knew he was busy with the investigation, so I decided to not beat around the bush with him. I asked him where he came from, and what brought him to Rogueport, as I could tell that he did not came from this place. At least, that is what I thought. He told me he was a detective from New Wikisburg. When he said that, I was shocked! That is where I came from. I immediately told him that I am also from New Wikisburg. It was a pleasant surprise seeing another fella from that good ol' town, but now I realized I never knew about this guy before now. How strange… Maybe I should sneak around the Police Departm- Hang on! I should not write this in here. Bad idea.
Following on my question of what brought him to Rogueport, he simply told me that he heard of bandits causing trouble in Rogueport, and since he has an impulse to bust out mafias, he came all the way here to Rogueport. That sounded good and all, but it also caused me having way more questions that I initially had. What was with this impulse? It is not like I enjoyed being surrounded by a bunch of bandits who could be stabbing me in the back at any moment, and to be fair, I am pretty sure no normal being would enjoy it either acting like the boy in the *Chuckles* I am in Danger! meme.
Honestly, I was not sure how to handle the situation properly. I had the curiosity of a cat, wondering about what he meant, but I did not desired to sound pushy. On second thought however, I knew it would not make sense for Shmaluigi to opening himself to a random guy he just met, and if I were to keep being pushy, I feel like I would end up on his sus list. I could already felt that he was finding me suspicious, those eyes were talking and sent shivers down my spine. Therefore, I decided to change the topic of conversation.
I asked how what he thought about our other investigators, and he said that Fulbright and the goose were especially good people. However, when it came down to the forensic girl on our team, Ema Skye, he was impressed to see her work ethic being awesome. He continued to speak well of her to me with complicated detective terms that were not interesting to me, but I nodded and looked at him with a smile to make him think that I was paying close attention to what he was saying to me. And you know what? It worked! I guess I may be good at making people perceive things after all or... or maybe that's what he was trying to make me believe...
After he was done telling me detective nonsenses, Shmaluigi told me that he was going to met with Merlon tonight to get more information about Ema Skye. He was confident that she was a helpful individual. I actually admired that confidence and you know, I think there is something phenomenal with the instinct of a detective. Shmaluigi then told me he was leaving to keep doing his hard work of watching for the mafia. I said goodbye to him and thanked him for this conversation. I may not have learned much in the end, apart from the fact that we both live in New Wikisburg, but I am wondering what was up with this guy's eagerness to defeat every single mafia in the world. No matter what was going on with him, I had a feeling that maybe I could support him in that quest.
Of course, true to myself, I decided to spy on him after our conversation, and unless he saw me doing that, he has access to Merlon's power, since well, I saw him enter in Merlon's house. At that moment, I started to doubt my very own stealth, but I had to keep some confidence in myself. I am an experienced ninja, and all of my abilities are all thanks to years of training. With that said, after giving some thoughts, I told myself that Shmaluigi was an ally to our investigation and went off the dock looking for Ms. Mowz. The east side of Rogueport had little movement after that, so I felt I was losing my time over there.
As I expected, she was there. Ms. Mowz was looking at the sea. I must admit that the landscape (or maybe I should say the seascape?) was sublime. The sea was calm, and the moon's lightning was giving a beautiful atmosphere. It was a moment of calm inside a chaotic mess, and even if I love chaos, this little moment of piece was pleasant. That is when I approached her, looking at this magnificent sight myself. Suddenly, I was telling myself that the sight of a ninja and a thief, two kinds of people who usually are more frantic, peacefully looking at a relaxing sight must have been quite unusual. I guess even the most chaotic and active people need a moment of peace. While I was lost in my thoughts, Ms. Mowz wanted to take advantage of the moment to ask me a few questions. After all, I thought it was normal. In all the commotion we were in, we never really had the time to know more about each other. Our friendship was mostly created thanks to a mess, and come to think of it, I would say it is quite natural for what we truly are. She wanted to know from where I came from, and how did I became a ninja. The first question was quite easy. I am the Statistics Manager of an important newspaper of a 'Shroom City known as New Wikisburg, which is where I live, but the second question was a bit more complicated to answer if you ask me. I was hesitant about the way I had to answer that, but I decide to be honest with her and I answered the question.
My memories of that time are a bit fuzzy, but before moving to New Wikisburg, I was living in a town far away called Inkopolis. When I was younger, I lost my parents in... well... unfortunate circumstances... so to speak, and I ended up living in the streets of Inkopolis Square. Then, afterwards I found myself in a kind of underground subway. I have no clue of what was happening in there back then or what sort of stuff they were doing, but... I vaguely remember being told about the promised land, but I just don't really know what it was nor what I did, but what I remember is that I met an Octoling. At the time, we were told about the Octarians and how bad they were, but that guy was... nice... and cool. Oh yeah, I remember that!
I became friend with him very quickly and he knew some cool moves than even I never had seen before in my times playing Turf War with some folks when I had some few occasions. I thought I was pretty fast, and good with evasion, but honestly, it was not much of a choice for me. I had to learn being quick and reactive. Living in the street was not what I would call fun. I had to manage it, and strengthen myself because sometimes, I had to fight for my own life.
That Octoling next to me though was an absolute ninja, and I was in complete awe when I saw him doing all those beautiful and elegant moves. With this, I remember asking him to teach me to become as good as he was, and he did! He was totally awesome. As a joke, we decided to call ourselves The Ninja Squid and The Samurai Octopus. Good times and a fun friendship. If only that friendship as lasted...
We had a lot of fun back in that subway; at least that is what I remember. The thing is that we might have been a little reckless, but sometimes, ninjas must take risks. However, we crossed the line at one unfortunate time. Samurai Octopus unfortunately slipped from some high grounds, and… well… took a dive in some weird green substance. I tried to catch him, but while I did, it was in vain. It came to a point where it was either him or both of us. I had to take the awful decision of dropping him... *sigh*
I will never forgive myself for taking such a decision…
After falling in that green substance, I remember hearing a super jump, and I was right. It was Samurai Octopus in front of me. However, his color was... different. His gaze looked… blank. As I approached him, he pulled his charger and… he tried to shoot me! What the heck!
I tried to make him speak, telling me what was wrong. I even apologized. Unfortunately, he stayed silent and kept chasing after me as if I was a target. I fought like hell, and luckily, I managed to survive, thanks to a squid whose name was Agent 3. Agent 3 pushed back Samurai Octopus who made an escape, and after that, when I was about to thank her, she told me she was a member of the New Squidbeak Splatoon. I did wondered what she meant by that. She told me she saw me doing the good fight against the Octoling, and she was impressed. I was surprised but I was also overwhelmed by the events. She asked me if I wanted to follow her somewhere. I decided to accept, because well, I had no other places to go. This is where my life took a 180-degree turn.
I met with several other members of the New Squidbeak Splatoon, such as the legendary Cap'n Cuttlefish, and fellow Agents 1 and 2. They taught me plenty of useful tricks, and they shaped me as the ninja that I am today. From that moment on, I decided that from that day on, I would be using my power for the greater good, and helping those in needs even if I had to do questionable stuff. I guess that impulse I had from living in the street is still deep in me, and I don't know if I will ever consider myself normal. Maybe somewhere in the future. Time can be a healer apparently.
I took part in several missions for the New Squidbeak Splatoon, and I was especially good with reconnaissance mission. Carrying out field analyses was my jam, and I did loved doing statistics about our resources and doing tactical strategies.
However, during a reconnaissance mission, I found myself facing Samurai Octopus again, and during the mission, Agent 1 and I got seriously hurt. Mostly because I tried to protect my new friends from him. That is when I realized that no matter where I went, Samurai Octopus was going to hunt me down. I had to leave and going as far away as possible from Inkopolis. They started discussing that the fastest way to end this would be to eliminate Samurai Octopus, but I asked not to, and to let him go. He was a friend, and I just couldn't bring myself to kill him despite that, it is the only defense I have left. I know that this decision may cause me more trouble in the future, but maybe one day, I will be able to let it go and move on.
That is how I end up in New Wikisburg.
Speaking about this with Ms. Mowz totally exhausted me, and having to write this in here was... painful. I don't know what was up with Samurai Octopus, and why was he so eager to defeat me. I want to understand. Understand why his skin color changed, and why he became so... suddenly like this. Was it something about that green substance? Is there a way I can fix it? I wish I could actually fix this and have a chat with him. It seems that no matter what, my attempts will always be in vain, but I will not stop! One day, I will find the truth. There is still hope!
The look on Ms. Mowz's face was sad, but compassionate at the same time. She wanted to do something for me, but I told her that I needed to rest. All those emotions that I had in me at that instant were wearing me out. She told me to drop by her badge shop the next day and I nodded to tell her I would.
I decided to go back in the east side of Rogueport, and upon reaching Merlon's House, I saw Shmaluigi coming out of there. That was an interesting timing. I wanted to speak with him about his discoveries, but… I didn't. I had a good reason though. When I saw Shmaluigi's face, I thought something was... off. It kinda looks like he was almost disappointed. I was curious, but I thought it was better for me to leave him alone. Having to remind myself of my past was more than enough for me at that moment. Whatever that meant, Ema Skye was definitely up to something shady, otherwise Shmaluigi would not be so... sad.
All right, it is really getting tiresome to keep writing at this point. So, let us stop here.
Good Night, journal!
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Hello and welcome back to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament where we, uh, erm, we... Hey look! A distracting object over there! Wow, that's really something, isn't it? Anyway, moving on. What? No, I definitely didn't trick you into thinking I had a catchy opening. Okay, fine, I didn't have any ideas, but in my defense, I asked Chuck to come up with an intro and he didn't have anything either. Just watch the fight, okay?
Starting things off, we got our first fighter, it's the Bloom of Battle, the Seed-Spitting Shooter, FLIFIT!
Now you may be wondering how a flower became a Snifit, or maybe the other way around, and, well, that's probably something you should write to W. P. Hoodington about. Man, maybe I should stop accepting so many of these kinds of things... Anyway, it's a flower, and also a Snifit, so naturally, it attacks by firing giant seeds called Sneeds at high speeds! Oh hey, that rhymes. Personally, I wouldn't want to be hit in the face by one of those, they look very pointy. They've got a few different maneuvers they can do with them, so their opponents better watch out! In addition, the Sneeds can join in the battle as well, and if they're left alone too long, they'll grow into more Flifits. Defensively, well, it's just a flower, so there's not much to say in its favor, and it's also got a natural weakness to fire. But, if it's feeling a little under the weather, it can call in a flying Snifit to get it back into shape with some water! That may be against some rules, actually. I'm not really sure, you'd think I would be considering I'm the one that makes them up on the fly anyway.
And facing off against Flifit will be none other than the Key to Victory, the Guardian of the Unknown, YAKKEY!
You're probably thinking that this is just a key and that's a really boring fighter, but that's where everything you're thinking is wrong. Yakkey was sent to us in an envelope alongside a handwritten letter boasting about his exceptional evasion and speed thanks to his tiny frame, and also that he has the strength of five Marios! Well, "probably" the strength of five Marios, which clearly means that he might actually have more. Oh yeah, and he kept insisting that we leave him alone and go get Tubba Blubba to fight instead, but hey, this was the submission, we're sticking with it.
So, obviously, Yakkey is going to win here. With his well-developed evasion he can dodge all of the Flifit's projectiles, and with his terrifying strength, he'll chop it down with the ease of a lawnmower in a grassy field! Unless his prowess was overblown of course, but pfffft, why would THAT happen?
Starting things off here, Flifit fires a Sneed at Yakkey, but it stops short and hits the floor, bouncing over Yakkey instead! Yakkey doesn't react at all. Looks like it was a trick play that didn't actually work. But the Sneed lands on the ground behind him, and after getting reoriented, it spits a seed at Yakkey! It's seeds all the way down, I guess. Luckily for Yakkey, he's able to swiftly dodge it. Oh, now we're going to see some action! Yakkey's heading towards Flifit! Yakkey takes a swing at Flifit with his face, I guess, and, um, it doesn't seem to have done much? Oh, he's probably just holding back to prolong the fight and make it more entertaining! Yeah, that's gotta be it.
Yakkey goes for another attack, this time jumping at Flifit's face and - oh! He just got stuck in Flifit's mouth, or nozzle, or whatever that thing's supposed to be. Both contestants appear to be in distress, and I can't say I blame either one of them. Meanwhile, the Sneed left unchecked has grown into another Flifit! In an attempt to free Yakkey, or maybe just defeat him, it fires a Sneed at the original Flifit, which misses and hits it in the face, knocking off a bunch of its petals! Probably not appreciated, if I had to guess. Flifit seems to be trying to shoot Yakkey out by itself after the subpar assistance from its ally, and having a tough time of it. Ah, and here comes the ambiguously-allowed Snifit to water it now! Flifit is refreshed and its petals grow back, and with a renewed energy it's able to shoot Yakkey out of its mouth nozzle thing, launching him an impressive distance, and by impressive I mean straight out of the ring! Flifit wins!
Wait, what?! That can't be right. How could Yakkey lose with the strength of possibly more than five Marios? Hm... I think we might need to launch an investigation on that one, there was clearly some cheating going on, or something. I'll get back to you with the results on that next time. In the meantime, if you have a fighter that you want to see in Smackdown, please feel free to send us your suggestions!
Oh, I've just been told Yakkey got launched into a keyhole and is now jammed in there. We kind of need that door, so I'm going to go look into that now.
Welcome back to TV Tomorrow! Don’t worry, it’s not going anywhere. In fact I’ve made sure that in the event of a mass extinction or planetary destruction TV Tomorrow will be one of the few things that survives, the whole archive burned onto a titanium USB packed in bubblewrap, locked in an indestructible safe, placed on a space probe, and sent out towards the stars. TV Tomorrow will outlive us all, and there is nothing you can do about that. …Oh no, hang on, sorry, it’s just accidentally crashed into the Sun. Oh well, too bad. Might as well write some more then, until I can get the financing for another launch.
New: Gary the Galoomba
Genre: Comfort watch
In a world where so much of both real life and television is tense, uncomfortable, and full of misery, sometimes it’s nice to watch something more comforting. That’s the thinking behind Gary the Galoomba, a new series that is ostensibly a comedy yet places far more emphasis on being heartwarming than being funny. Gary is just a happy-go-lucky Galoomba who tries to make the world a better place, and the most jeopardy he encounters is accidentally becoming trapped in a bubble while trying to reunite a lost Cheep Cheep with its family. Aww.
Genre: Property show
Normally these sorts of house-hunting programmes are among the most mass-produced drivel television can offer, but tomorrow’s episode of Dream Dwelling subverts expectations. The residence-seeker this time is General White, a strict-mannered ex-military commander, whose abrupt criticisms of the houses he is shown disrupt hosts Mario and Koops’s faux-cheery, marketable attitude. The tension between guest and hosts grows ever sharper and more hilarious as they visit dwellings in Petalburg, Rogueport, and Glitzville, none of which are General White’s ‘dream’. If you only ever deliberately watch one Dream Dwelling episode, make it this one.
Baseball’s Games of the Century
MKBC Sports, 8.30pm
Genre: Sports documentary
With sports content running somewhat dry in the Mushroom Kingdom at the moment - the new Mario Strikers season doesn’t kick off until June - MKBC Sports has turned to other sources for their programming. Enter Baseball’s Games of the Century, a six-part documentary series, each hour-long episode exploring a famous Mario Baseball game in excruciating detail. Tomorrow, it examines the 2008 game in which Daisy hit four home runs to win the Kingdom Series for the Daisy Flowers. A must-watch for baseball fans, and surprisingly compelling (if wholly unnecessary) even for those less intrigued by the subject.
That’s your TV Tomorrow for this month. Remember, never be afraid to practise a little light escapism through the medium of television. It can be surprisingly therapeutic. Who knows what direction the world is going in the future, but TV is now, and you can go watch it. Not the above shows of course, they’re all fictional, that’s the nature of this column. But you get my point. And of course, if you send a television off into the solar system on a space probe, you’ll have it forever. Just make sure you plan its route to avoid collisions with large celestial objects. I’ll see you next month for another edition of TV Tomorrow!
You're tuned in to Consumer Corner, bringing you the latest and greatest products from the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond.
The door to Waluigi Time's office bursts open, as he desperately tries to hide the fact that he was not doing any important business work whatsoever and was instead practicing Panel de Pon. He's not going to beat Troy this year anyway, I don't know why he's even bothering. Anyway, the arrival in question is Chuck, his head of security. "Uh, we got a problem," he announces. "Oh, it's only you," Waluigi Time says with a sigh of relief before returning to Panel de Pon, "what's wrong now?" "There's an intruder in the kitchen..." "I told you it was okay to let that sink in." "No, it's not that..." "Fine, let's go take a look," Waluigi Time says dejectedly, putting down his Switch.
Suddenly they walk through the kitchen door because this commercial can only be so long and we're on a budget, so we had to skip ahead a little. The kitchen is an absolute mess, and at the center of it all is none other than... "Wario?! Waaaah-t are you doing in my kitchen?" Waluigi Time asks, shocked to see him. "Wahaha! I'm-a making my own cereal!" Wario announces. "Want me to hurl him out the front door?" Chuck asks, but Waluigi Time doesn't seem too concerned for now and just shrugs. "So, whatcha got here?" Waluigi Time wonders, observing the absolute disaster that at one point probably resembled a kitchen. "Well, your cereal was-a pretty good, but it needed the WARIO touch! I call this new one Wario Time Cereal! Wahaha!" Wario proudly shows off the bowl of his brand new cereal.
"So the big problem with your cereal was that there wasn't any garlic, so I added some! Mmm, delicious!" Wario shoves the bowl in Waluigi Time and Chuck's faces to get them to smell the garlic. "Oh man, how much did you use?" Chuck asks, overwhelmed by the intense garlicky odor. "Um, about-a six or seven cloves, I think?" Wario replies before taking a whiff of the garlic himself. He's clearly pleased with it. "Then I decided, hey, what if instead of-a ketchup, I put in mustard! It's yellow, it's got that WARIO look! And at that point might as well add something new for the last ingredient, so I put in-a coleslaw, because, well, it was the first thing I found and I was tired of lookin'! Wahaha!"
Waluigi Time ponders Wario's new creation for a bit. "I don't know, it's kind of... derivative," he concludes. "What? Whaddaya mean derivative? This is 100% made in Wario right here!" Wario protests, "You're not seein' the big picture! You got the Waluigi Time Cereal, now you got the Wario Time Cereal! People will love it! You make-a toys, you know, the little free toys, okay? You put half of it in the Waluigi Time Cereal, and half of it in the Wario Time Cereal! Now they gotta buy TWO cereals to get the one toy! It's genius! I got other great ideas too! You gonna make so much money with help from your friend Wario! Wahahaha!"
"Hmm... You know what, I think I can market this," Waluigi Time concedes. "Great! When do we get started?" Wario asks. "What do you mean 'we'? Last I checked, you weren't an employee! Chuck, get rid of this intruder, I have to go show my new cereal to Shbig!" Waluigi Time says as he leaves to go pitch the new product. Before Wario can protest, Chuck picks him up, and the next we see of Wario he's being hurled out the front of the factory and lands in a pit of mud! He gets up, brushes himself off a bit and shakes his fist back towards the factory. "YOU BETTER PUT MY FACE ON THE BOX AT LEAST!"
The moral of the story is, never try pitching your idea to Waluigi Time because he'll probably shamelessly steal it.
Brand new Wario Time Cereal, it's like Waluigi Time Cereal but kind of different! Bring variety to your breakfast table!
"Hey chumps, eat this or else! WAAAHAHAHA!" "Hey, that's my line!" "Fine, whatever. Have a rotten day!"
Written by: Merlthazar The Oracle
Ohohoho! Sitting in this dimly lit abode of books I've gathered, I've tirelessly pored over my tomes of knowledge to understand why one is always running out of time to write these sections, but the answer eludes me, O shamrock-attuned reader. Thus, our monthly encounter across the night sky is again backed by the ever-stressful reminder that a shaman's job is simply never done! My current hypothesis is that I am running out of an ancient conceptual energy known as Humour, you see. When this happens, I will be forced to find new inspiration, or cease existing entirely, ohoho! Oracles don't go out with a bang, but more of a gentle whimper of sorrow at having not alphabetized our tomes enough, before succumbing to our unusual fates and turning into stardust, possibly being put to better use as photons illuminating one's screen showcasing other 'Shroom articles. May the stars grant me power such that I can divine your futures well before then!
This month's constellation is Puchis, the Hound. The most powerful of the twelve, Puchis' divinity extends across all of space-time. A master of his craft (paper, wool, and so on), he ceaselessly watches the stars and moves them with a gentle flick of his lunar tail, shifting the fates of those beneath his plane of existence, and loves to catch shooting stars on his tongue while bouncing from abandoned planet to planet. While unperturbed by constant kart races and parties, he does indulge in adventures with Yosio, the most connected of the twelve to him. His appearance in the night sky heralds the end of the cosmic cycle, and his power ushers in a new year of fortunes for oracles to divine. Oho! Who's a good boy, you are! Yes you are! Yes- ahem, apologies dear reader! Apparent to many, his cuteness is quite overwhelming, to the point where religions worshipping Puchis have even been founded. Praise Puchis!
With the previous cosmic cycle now complete, let us embrace the repetitive nature of space-time with these horrorscopes. Oho, do enjoy! I hope to see you across the skies once more!
|March 21 –
|Ignio starsigns be warned of subliminal messaging targeting you from every conceivable angle as shady merchants try to make you succumb to their wares. You WILL sign up for 'Shroom Mafia 4.|
|April 20 –
|The stars this month are projecting a very clear path for you, O spiky-shelled reader. Their cosmic ramblings have stated: You will sign up... for 'Shroom Mafia 4.|
The Greater Banana
|May 21 –
|For your fortune, I had to use my cosmic eye to peer into a world of dollar store books, specifically looking for one titled 1000 Hilarious Jokes and Puns. In an attempt to regain some of my Humour, I shall recount to you a joke from this metaphysical incursion. Your refrigerator is running. You had better go catch it, right before you sign up for 'Shroom Mafia 4.|
The Gold Digger
|June 22 –
|An old figure may approach you within the night, his warty and terribly crooked finger pointing towards your very soul, casting judgment upon you for your wrongdoings before unhinging his jaw and letting forth a swarm of astral locusts, chasing your sanity to the ends of its existence. Do not worry dear reader, as you will sign up for 'Shroom Mafia 4.|
The Saddle Bearer
|July 23 –
|DISREGARD THE SCREAMING AS PART OF MY COSMIC SANDWICH GOT STUCK UNDER MY CAPS LOCK KEY AS I WAS DIVINING YOUR FATE. YOU WILL HAVE GOOD FORTUNE THIS MONTH IF YOU SIGN UP FOR 'SHROOM MAFIA 4.|
|August 23 – September 22||Why you! Yes you! No, not the other guy, I'm specifically talking to YOU. You, O specially singled out reader, unique and characteristically defined, your fate is special, unlike any other in the world at this very moment. You will sign up for 'Shroom Mafia 4.|
|September 23 – October 22||Oh dear! While unjamming my sandwich from my typewriter of divining, it appears I have spilled cosmic mustard all over your horrorscope. Not to worry dear reader! Instead of getting a horrorscope this month, you can sign up for 'Shroom Mafia 4.|
|October 23 – November 22||A small bout of reading can rouse the mind and allow you to tackle problems in your life with an inspired outlook. If you're wondering what to read this month, I have a great recommendation for you.|
The Inverted Hand
|November 23 – December 21||Walfugius starsigns can rejoice, as they will have to sign up for Shroom There will be a large horse in the room. There will be a large horse in the room. There will be a large horse, in the room. There will be a large horse in the room. There will, be, a large horse in the room. There will be|
|Shroom Mafia 4
Shroom Mafia 4
|December 22 – January 19||'Shroom Mafia 4 starsigns this month will find themselves wondering what in the stars above is happening to their starsign this month. Untold power and mystery await, as the answer possibly lies in Shroom Mafia 4, which you will sign up for.|
|Amafia ???? ??? Shroom 4 mafia shroom shroom
The 4 Shroom
|January 20'Shroom Mafia 4 – February 18||reality is falling apart 'Shroom Mafia 4 ＳＨＲＯＯＭ Mafia ４|
|February 19 – March 20||As you bask in the cosmic radiance of your constellation, you feel an overpowering will to sign up for Shroom Maf––––|
|The 'Shroom: Issue 180|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing|
|Specials||The 'Shroom Mafia 4|