The 'Shroom:Issue 229/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! We seem to have a situation here in the office, I hid some Easter eggs a couple weeks ago, but um, I kind of made the mistake of dying them all purple so they blend in a little too well, and we still haven't found them all. It's starting to smell, so maybe you should bring a nose plug if you decide to visit.
We've got not one, not two, but three guest News Flushes this month, courtesy of Martendo (talk), Sparks (talk), and Zdrmonster Productions! I like getting News Flushes, people should send me more News Flushes. Also, ClawgripFan9001's Diddy Kong Redemption movement continues with a new edition of Sport Report! Bet you can't guess which sport they're playing. In other section news, I've finally made it to the end of my backlog and decided to hang up my advice-giving hat, so this month will be the final edition of Dear Waluigi Time. You know what that means? It's a good time to start considering writing a new advice column!
Next month, we're having a special issue to celebrate Lakituthequick's 100th issue as Website Manager! We'll be taking things onward and upward with the sky as our primary theme, so feel free to theme your section (or maybe even send in a guest section!) after that. The Mario franchise has a lot of sky levels to serve as inspiration, but you can also work with things like clouds and weather phenomena! Basically, if it's above the ground (but uh, below space, we already did that one), it's fair game. As always, the theme isn't mandatory, we're happy to have you in general! If you'd like to join the team, visit our sign up page to get started on an application, or if you want to send in a one-off guest submission for something like News Flush, or perhaps a Weather Forecast, you can contact me privately about that.
Section of the Month
Congratulations to TheBlueCatMenace for another well-earned first place with an Ingot Isle-focused edition of The Sunshine Travel Guide! Unfortunately, we don't give out any monetary bonuses for SOTM wins, but hopefully getting the metaphorical gold makes up for losing all of that actual gold. Legend 8 takes second place with the beginning of a new story arc in The Sorcery Show featuring the Explainer's attempt to get our antilogical duo to work together - stay tuned to see how that unfolds! And in third place we've got Dear Waluigi Time. Thanks for voting and please continue offering your support to our writers!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 16 | 39.02% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 2nd | The Sorcery Show | 8 | 19.51% | Legend 8 |
| 3rd | Dear Waluigi Time | 6 | 14.63% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
Mario Kart Racers Start Debate Over Whether or Not Spiny Shells Should Be Banned
For a long time, Mario Kart racers have lost to the Spiny Shell, named "Blue Shell" by most. Now, most of them are REALLY fed up with this and calling for a ban on them! However, not everyone is supporting this; some are arguing that the Spiny Shells add more fun and unpredictability.
Mario revealed that he wants a Spiny Shell ban:
"These things-a ruin-a everything! Everything, I-a tell you! See, I was-a in first-a place, right-a? I was just about to-a cross-a the finish-a line! But then... IT-A HAPPENED! THAT SHELL! SOME GUY IN LAST-A PLACE USED IT-A AND THEN THE COW WON! THE COW! WHY CAN A COW EVEN RACE HERE?! I just wish-a that Luigi shared-a my opinion..."
That last sentence does indeed mean that Luigi is a supporter of the Spiny Shells, as he revealed as well:
"Mario really needs-a to start accepting-a losses. They're-a part of-a the game! I really-a hope the Blue Shells don't-a get banned..."
Lakitu himself, one of the most important people associated with Mario Kart, has... said absolutely nothing about this situation. Well, at least not publicly. His friend, red-shelled Lakitu, filmed himself talking to Lakitu (the green-shelled one) about this and released it! The following is a transcript of the released video:
Red Lakitu: "Hey, Lakitu, green one, uh, whatever! People are starting a debate! They want Spiny Shells to be banned! What do you think about this?"
Green Lakitu: "Call them 'Blue Shell' like everyone does. Anyway... Uh... I guess I'll just let them do their silly argument? What do you really want me to do about it?"
Red Lakitu: "I don't know! Maybe help them get to a conclusion! You're, like, THE Mario Kart guy! When people think of 'person associated with Mario Kart', they think of you! You need to do something about this!"
Green Lakitu: "Surely this can't be THAT big of a situation. Wait a minute... ARE YOU FILMING THIS?!"
Red Lakitu: "Wait, no, I'm not, wait, please don't end the video, WAIT NO, I'M NOT FILMING A VIDEO! WAIT, NO, JUST DO-"
And then it ended. Anyway, yes it IS a big situation. Proven by the fact that Bowser is skipping his usual kidnapping of Peach to promote his own third side: the "Only Ban Blue Shells That Target Bowser" side. However, the only supporters of that side are Bowser's minions, who were probably forced to be on that side. Bowser's side is mostly an ignored one, as both other sides have way more members and while we are supposed to be unbiased... Well... Bowser's idea is stupid.
This is a big debate that may largely impact the future of Mario Kart and The 'Shroom will talk about new important updates when those happen.
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: Cosmic Cowboy, Chuckles17, and Boo1268
Yo, Mr. Time. Nice work on the monopoly! Very foreboding and dominant. I like those kinda traits. So, how'd you do it? How'd you get that multi-million dollar idea? Asking for a friend, of course. -Mr. Wolf
All you have to do is be weird! No, really. Sometimes the next big idea comes from the place you least expected. Sometimes that place is even yourself thinking about something that seems like a terrible idea until you reconsider once it leaves your mouth. If something's never been done before, it's either because no one with the resources to see it through to production has thought of it yet, or it was just a really bad idea that everyone knew was bad from the start and agreed not to waste their time bothering with. So, you know, you kind of have to gamble. But what's the worst that can happen? You lose all your money and start again!
Also, have confidence! If you don't believe in your idea, who will? Or at least act like you believe in your idea in all your marketing and assorted PR materials. A confident bluff goes a long way! Personally, I don't have to bluff because all of my ideas are funny, and funny sells. But hey, maybe you need the extra bit of help there. You know what they say, fake it until you make it!
Dear Waluigi Time,
If you're flying through the desert and your boat gets a flat tire, what should you have in your pockets?
Sincerely, the community idiot
To the uninitiated, this may seem like an oddly specific and highly illogical question. But tell me, dear reader, haven't you ever seen a Landship or Tiny Tug before? Clearly, this poor fellow is experiencing some unfortunate difficulties during a kart race! And let me tell you, getting flattened by a train in Kalimari Desert because you realized your tires weren't quite up to par only after your glider already disengaged probably isn't something you want happening.
In the best case scenario, the contents of your pockets would include at least one spare tire and maybe a full pit crew, but unless you're constantly eating Mega Mushrooms then I doubt you'd have room. And even if you did, having all that on hand would be a level of foresight that indicates you probably don't need to be asking for advice from a sunsetting newspaper column. So more realistically, you'll probably want a roll of tape so you can patch up that tire, and a good mushroom to get to a place where you can get actual professional repairs done fast. Preferably one of those gold ones.
Or maybe just check to make sure your tires are in good condition before you hit the road and/or skies! That way you can fit a 3DS or something in your pocket instead, which sounds more fun.
Dear Waluigi Time,
I heard this would be your last issue you would be answering questions, and I have only one more to ask. Since you're going away, do you have any suggestions on where other fellows can get their advice from now on? Wish this section the best retirement.
- Your friend, Boo1268 the Fancy Phantom.
You can get advice basically anywhere! The key is knowing where to go to get good advice. Shbeeg says not to get advice from chatbots because something about they're stupid and can't actually think and just use algorithms to mash together words into coherent sentences. I don't know what all of that means, but between you and me and everyone reading The 'Shroom, I think he's worried about job security. Of course, I wouldn't fire him, unless we ran out of money to keep him operational, but maybe I could upload him into a microwave or something. I once heard something about a robot that got turned into a potato, that sounds pretty funny.
Anyway, right, quality advice. Right now, if you want to get advice to this section's caliber, you'll probably have to start climbing mountaintops and looking for sages, or something. I don't mean to brag or anything, but this is an award-winning section! Okay, so technically it's only gotten silvers and bronzes, and some of them were just for the funny drawings... Although, now that I think about it, the sage on a mountaintop trope is pretty weird because they don't have internet access up there? How good can the advice really be if you're getting it from someone without any access to a search engine? Dang, I might actually be doing the world a real disservice by discontinuing this section.
Well, there's clearly only one solution! We need someone else to step into these shoes! Metaphorical shoes, of course, people without feet are still welcome to apply. The advice column is a tried and true formula going pretty far back into The 'Shroom's history in varying styles for a reason, after all, so perhaps we'll see it again someday. As for when, and in whose hands, perhaps that's up for you to decide, dear reader!
Written by: MightyMario (talk)
Hello, and welcome to TV Tomorrow! "The Super Mario Galaxy Movie" is currently out in theaters, crafting another hit for Universal and Illumination, so this month I'd like to take a bit of a unique spin on my section and discuss the Mario Brothers' business and it's origins, plus their commercial that recently hit the Mushroom Kingdom airwaves (it had previously aired in Brooklyn, the brothers just want to expand their business reach). Some interviews with the Mario Brothers spliced in between my writing.
From A Simple Pipe Dream: How the Mario Brothers Found Plumbing
Mario and Luigi were born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, where after high school, both decided to get into the construction business via the locally owned Wrecking Crew, headed by Foreman Spike as their boss. However, due to Spike's unlikeable personality and oftentimes downright rude demeanor, the brothers resigned and started to form their plumbing business.
Why did they pick plumbing in the first place? Mario recounts how exactly that came to be:
"It was Luigi that got the idea. He remembered how he had accidentally flushed Papa's watch down the toilet when he was four years old. Lu saw the plunger and started plunging the toilet and, uh… he got the watch! Don't ask why he flushed the watch in the first place…"
Mario had previously been able to repair the pipes underneath their sink and to also reclaim his Mama's wedding ring from the garbage disposal, so switching to being a full-time plumber wasn't that big of an adjustment.
Luigi had some remarks on the plumbing idea:
"Did Mario tell you about the watch thing? I told him that in confidence! Ah, well, cat's outta the bag now. We're really good plumbers and we love serving our community! Plumbing was just a natural fit for our future careers."
Not a Commercial, but Cinema
The brothers now needed a way to get their plumbing business out there and into the hearts and minds of Brooklyn. Using all of their life savings (yes, even Luigi's money that he was saving up to buy a Ferrari), they hired a small camera crew, an extra to play an unlucky customer, and filmed at a for sale house in the suburbs.
Luigi remarks that he enjoyed the commercial for what it's worth:
"It really is cinema! People from all over Brooklyn were talking about it! Well, at least Mama was talking about it…"
Of course, no commercial is complete without a catchy jingle, right? The Mario Brothers Rap was composed and recorded by a local musician who wishes to remain anonymous for the time being and features such lines as "It's the Mario Brothers and plumbing's their game!" and "You'll be hooked on the brothers!" Luigi spoke positively of the commercial's theme tune.
"The Mario Brothers Rap. Rolls off the tongue. Just needed a few rhymes and cool lyrics… you got yourself an earworm!"
Mario, however, was not as enthusiastic.
"It's really too much. The lyrics are cheesy, the rhymes are kind of hard to take seriously, but hey, if it gets people to do business with us, I guess I gotta enjoy it at least a little bit."
The commercial aired in the morning on Brooklyn News Channel 15 and the brothers received their first client not long after. The couple, who prefers to go by that for privacy reasons, had this to say about the brothers' work.
"Well, the brothers actually left our house a bit untidy: water soaked the bathroom, toilet paper was soggy, and our dear dog Francis was drenched. Still, they managed to fix the leak in our sink, so we consider it a job well done!"
Hooked on the brothers, indeed!
Expanding into the Mushroom Kingdom
Mario and Luigi, on top of being Brooklyn's homegrown pair of plucky plumbers, are also heroes who saved the city from being destroyed by Bowser, the evil king of the Dark Lands. They couldn't have done it without help from the others who fought the Koopa King, namely the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, Peach; Toad; and Donkey Kong. Foreman Spike had certainly changed his tune from when he last interacted with the brothers:
"Granted, they're not as stupid as they were back when they first started, but I respect them for saving yours truly from those weird turtles. Maybe next time I'll call them when I need a plumbing job done."
Princess Peach has allowed the brothers to expand their business into her kingdom and the Toads are grateful for them and had nothing but praise and admiration for them. Mario Brothers Mania has swept the Mushroom Kingdom by storm! While I wasn't able to reach the Princess or Toad for questions, I can certainly assure you that the Super Mario Brothers are doing a great job, one pipe at a time.
That'll do it for this month's TV Tomorrow! See you next month and just remember, if you don't call Super Mario Brothers Plumbing, you'll turn into a Goomba!
Dry Dry Data
Written by: DryBonesBandit (talk)
Greetings, my dear readers, and welcome back to another issue of Dry Dry Data. As always, I, Dry Bones Bandette, am here to bring knowledge of the species we share the planet with straight to your local newspaper. Last time I was here, I’d been in the Flower Kingdom to research the Anglefish alongside a friend. Before I decided to leave, I learned of another aquatic animal that I’d failed to realize existed prior; none other than the ever joyful Sluglug (flabellinopsis petal)! I don’t have much else to say, so let’s get right into it.
The Adventure
After saying goodbye to my companion from the previous issue, I set out for the Petal Isles, the only place in the kingdom where the navy nudibranch has been spotted. A local angler agreed to let me stay in their residence until my research was complete, after I offered them a few Flower Coins. Once settled in, I headed off to the nearest shore to study.
After arriving, I encountered my first problem: carnivorous fish (not the angular kind). Smackerels resided on this beach, troubling my quest greatly. Fortunately, these flatfish are not so interested in eating a sentient pile of bones, enabling me to move forward without threat of a toothy redemise. Once I got into the water, I realized how little I had to worry about; with the big fish uninterested in me, and the other local fish species being Cheep Cheeps, I was able to swim my way to the nearest nudibranch in record time.
...that is, if they emerged in record time. While I got there quickly, it took a while for one of them to peek their head out and give me the chance to do my research. When it finally decided to leave the pipe, I was shocked to discover just how lengthy their prickly bodies are. So surprised, in fact, that I had dropped my notebook onto the sand bed below, where it was quickly snatched up by a hidden Smackerel. Unable to properly take notes without a place to jot them down, I sighed and swam back to shore.
The Analysis
Sluglugs are cylindrical beings of indigo coloration. They have bodies covered in sand-colored spines and two orange-red ear-like protrusions above their face. Sluglugs have two yellow eyes and a permanent “:3” mouth. I am unsure what they look like outside of the pipe, since they never fully emerge.
These nudibranchs are quite shy. They live in pipes underwater, made to house them by locals; I assume they live in caverns below the water’s surface in lieu of a pipe if there is none available. Sluglugs occasionally emerge from the waters to watch for predators and potentially grab a bite to eat; they prey on Cheep Cheeps that swim too close to them. With a body covered in spines (which I can only assume they developed to defend their soft bodies from the toothy terrors inhabiting the seabed), their only real weakness is fire and other sharp things, which makes Drill Mushrooms useful if you really need to get rid of one. Aside from preying on Cheep Cheeps, however, they seem indifferent to literally anything around them; as put so eloquently by the local angler, “They do not care.”
While certainly unrelated, I’ve heard many compare the nudibranch to the invasive false plant known as the Piranha Creeper, native to the Sprixie Kingdom. I wonder if Sluglugs are invasive, too...
The End
Not much else to say, to be honest. I’m on a bimonthly schedule now, so the next issue should be in June, if nothing prevents it. As always, feel free to leave a suggestion on the boards or my talk page, and see you next time.
Written by: Letter Kong
Salutations, children of the jungle, members of my faithful pack. This is your pack leader, Letter Kong speaking to you through the Fake News pages of The ‘Shroom once more. You may have remembered that in my last contribution to the Diddy Kong Redemption movement last issue, that I said that our scorned spidermonkey had been phased out of his role as a playable character in Mario spin-off titles, correct? Well, not entirely, it seems. Because since then, I have received a fan letter courtesy of one of my pack members, Walter “Timey Kong” Timeson, informing me that Diddy Kong has actually been given a playable character role in the Mario Tennis series’ latest venture, Mario Tennis Fever for the Nintendo Switch 2. So it seems that Nintendo hasn’t entirely forgotten about our little monkey man, and as such, I thought it’d be fitting to write a Sport Report column centered around our chimp chap to celebrate the occasion. While I don’t possess the same level of enthusiasm and/or involvement as former sports columnist ClawgripFan9001, that won’t refrain me from trying regardless. So without further ado, let’s dive into the world of sports alongside our banana-loving boy, Diddy Kong!
Taking a Jumbo Barrel through Donkey Kong Island’s local airline service, Funky’s Flights, I tracked Diddy Kong down on his home turf of the Kongo Jungle, where I found our scrappy simian in the middle of a tennis match, the name of the game being Tennis - Doubles, with Diddy Kong teaming up with his longtime girlfriend, Dixie Kong, against Dixie’s cousins, Kiddy Kong and his long-lost big brother, Chunky Kong. Seems that with being given the invitation to participate on the tennis courts of Mario Tennis Fever, Diddy Kong had decided it would be an opportune time to sharpen his tennis skill back to its former glory by practicing alongside his fellow Kong relatives. I quickly learned that Diddy had set the score to a best of five, so whatever team is the first to reach three sets will be declared the winner today.
And with the name of the game, plus the score being set, it was time for us to kick off this tennis fever! Diddy Kong is to serve for the first set, so he does just that, and he sends the ball flying across the net as Kiddy Kong quickly thwacks it back to the other side in succeeding fashion! Seems the gorilla infant is pretty quick on his feet for his age, as far as thinking and moving’s concerned! Dixie Kong quickly smacks the ball back across the net just as quickly though, after which Chunky Kong hits it back with his ginormous physical prowess! Though as to be expected from a hell of a guy like Chunky, he hits that ball back with a level of clumsiness we haven’t seen since 1999! And as a result of said clumsiness, the ball is out, tipping the scales of score in the favor of Diddy and Dixie at 15-0!
Reaching for the ball faster than you could say “Krusha and Klump”, Diddy quickly serves it up a second time for this first set, with Chunky this time being the one to fling it back over the net instead of his younger brother, Kiddy! Subsequently, Dixie strikes it back to where it came from, followed by a plantain-powered slug from Kiddy, with Diddy’s quick nimbleness proving to be quite useful as the spidermonkey leaps and whips the ball back to Chunky and Kiddy’s side, with neither of the two brothers being quick enough to prevent the ball from making its second bounce, further tipping the scales of score in favor of our simian lovers at 30-0! Kiddy quickly goes to get the ball from where it landed behind him and his big brother, and goes to serve it, doing so as subsequently as he had grabbed it from the court!
Dixie then bats it over to the super-strengthened siblings’ side of the course, prompting Chunky to club it back in as fast of a manner as he could muster, after which Diddy sent the ball soaring back across the other side, once more leaving Chunky and Kiddy unable to do anything about it as the ball touches down in two bounces on their side of the course, pushing Diddy and Dixie’s lead to 40-0, thus reaching the Break Point for today’s tennis match! Chunky then goes to get the ball, and serves it like it were a Whopper, a portion of King Fries, and a soda at Burger King, or Hungry Jack’s, if you happen to come from the land down under like our resident tabby cat, Cosmo Neko! Though I’m getting off track there, and so does the ball, as Chunky accidentally outs the ball, leaving Diddy and Dixie to win the first set! The Prince of Kongo Jungle and his girlfriend rejoice, and the two of them soon swap sides of the court with Chunky and Kiddy, with Kiddy being to serve for this second set!
Just as quickly as I’ve said that, Kiddy cudgels the ball across the net, leaving Dixie to retaliate with as much power as she can muster, sending the ball hurdling back to the brawny Kong Brothers’ side of the court, prompting Chunky to move in as fast as he can to prevent the ball from touching down a second time, successfully doing so as the ball is sent on a returning course to Diddy and Dixie’s side of the net, with Diddy again being quick on the draw to send the ball on another returning course to Chunky and Kiddy’s side, being successful in getting the ball to touch down there a second time, making 15-0 for Diddy and Dixie on this second set! Kiddy then goes to get the ball and prepares himself to serve again! He serves, he smacks, and, we’re off for another back-and-forth with the ball!
Both teams go at it with that tennis ball like there’s no tomorrow, but Diddy and Dixie seem to be unstoppable on their Kongly crusade to victory, as they have the ball touch down on their opponent’s side of the court yet again, changing the current score to 30-0 for them, making it more likely for them to win this second set as well! As soon as Kiddy has gotten the ball back into his possession, he goes in for his next serve, and there goes the ball! It goes back and forth for another while, and what’s this? Touchdown on Diddy and Dixie’s side of the course, shattering a potential whitewash on the scoreboard as Chunky and Kiddy score their first points of the match, at 30-15! Dixie then picks up the ball and prepares to serve, which she does like a graceful grand slammer! It then comes down to another series of heated exchanges of the tennis rackets, though Diddy and Dixie come out of it with the upper hand, the score turning to 40-15 for them, thus reaching the Game Point, or Set Point, whichever you prefer to utilize here! Kiddy once again goes in for the serve on behalf of his team, though he and his brother once again fall victim to Diddy and Dixie’s amazing sense of teamwork, leading to the simian lovers to bag their second set of the match, leaving just one more set for them to win if they are to claim victory in this match!
The two teams swap sides of the court once more, with Diddy once again serving for his team in this next set, leading to another series of smacks and thwacks with the tennis ball, though eventually, Chunky and Kiddy manage to land the ball on their opponents’ side of the court, as the scoreboard turns to 15-0 for the two of them! Dixie then proceeds to swipe the ball off the ground, being the next to serve said ball for her team, in which she does in a subsequent manner, causing the ball to fly towards Chunky and Kiddy’s side of the court in another fluent motion, with Chunky smashing the ball back to Diddy and Dixie’s side with as much might as he can muster, causing it to touch down on the monkey power couple’s side once more, resulting in 30-0 for Chunky and Kiddy! With the match still far from over, however, Diddy grabs the ball from the court, going in for the next serve on behalf of his team, sending it rocketing towards the other side of the net once again!
Kiddy Kong then utilizes a powerful backhand to collide the ball off its course, sending it back around to Team Diddy Kong’s side of the court yet again! After passing the ball back and forth a couple more times, it makes another landing on Team Diddy’s side, tipping the scales of score in favor of Team Kiddy Kong even further at 40-0, thus initiating the Break Point for Kiddy Kong and his big brother, with the ball being readied for take-off for the umpteenth time this match as soon as Dixie Kong had nicked the ball before launching it! With the slowly but surely improving teamwork from Chunky Kong and Kiddy Kong, the Strong Kong Brothers manage to bag their first set of the match, indicating that all bets are still off as to who could be walking out of here victorious! After swapping court sides for the umpteenth time in this match, it was Kiddy Kong who was to serve for his team at the start of the fourth set! Doing so as quickly as I’m reporting it, the youngest member of the Kong Clan blasts the tennis ball across the net, Dixie Kong clapping the ball back to the other side once more, and this goes on like a game of red light/green light without the one, two, three count until Team Kiddy Kong manages to land the ball on their opposing team’s half of the court to rewrite the scoreboard to 15-0 in a consecutive manner! These Kongs really are so strong, that it isn’t funny, as Grant “Kirky Kong” Kirkhope would put it back in 1999!
Subsequently, Diddy Kong picks up the ball from the ground, then goes to blast it off yet again, which once again exchanges clashes of the tennis rackets a good number of times before Team Kiddy Kong manages to bump their score up to 30-0 for their second set in a row! Feeling that she and her faithful lover are really getting a run for their money on this practice match, Dixie Kong grabs the ball, then bashes it over the net with a rush of adrenaline unlike any I’ve seen before during a tennis match, which overwhelms Chunky and Kiddy alike, preventing them from doing anything about the ball making its second bounce on their side of the court, rewriting the scoreboard to 30-15! Chunky Kong then lifts the ball off the ground and into his hand, slinging it over the net in subsequent fashion! Following the umpteenth series of clanging chimes of tennis rackets, it makes another crash landing on Team Diddy Kong’s half of the tennis-themed battlegrounds, resulting in a 40-15 score for Team Kiddy Kong, ushering in the Game/Set Point for said team! Diddy Kong then goes to pick up the ball, then serve it with as much scrappiness as his small-statured simian self could channel at that moment! Before long, however, Team Kiddy Kong manages to snag their second set of the match, thus tying up the score at two sets for Team Diddy Kong against two sets for Team Kiddy Kong, meaning it all comes down to this fifth and final set!
Departing from the usual routine, both teams decide not to switch court lanes for this last set, instead preparing for the final showdown that would determine what team would emerge victorious here and now! Next thing you know, Diddy Kong serves the ball to kick off the final set, with the ensuing racket of tennis rackets resulting in the scoreboard tilting in favor of Team Diddy Kong at 15-0! Chunky Kong and his baby brother aren’t ones to give up just yet, however, seeing as they had come this far into crawling back from the disadvantage that Team Diddy Kong had previously put them at, and weren’t gonna back down from the final battle now! That effort proves to be fruitful, as the brawnier pair of Kongs even out the scales of score again at 15-15! Team Diddy Kong then manages to tip the scales a little bit to their side again at 30-15, only for Team Kiddy Kong to tip it back to 30-30! Soon enough, however, Team Kiddy Kong manages to tip the scale to their side at 40-30, meaning we’ve entered the first Match Point of the, well, match! Kiddy Kong goes in for the potential winning shot, he shoots it, and…he scores! Team Kiddy Kong wins the match, and while this sounds upsetting to us in the Diddy Kong Redemption movement camp, our male spidermonkey is far from upset about losing this practice match, however! According to Diddy Kong himself following a post-match interview I conducted with him and his girlfriend, Dixie Kong, he gave it his all, and that it’s just the luck of the game. That, and since this was just a practice match to warm himself up for the resuming of his tennis career that is to come, he takes it as a sign that he still has a long way to go before he’s ready to make his comeback on the tennis court on a professional level, but that he doesn’t mind, since the journey is half the fun of the matter! I gotta give our scrappy simian credit where credit’s due for displaying such a sportsmanlike nature, and taking the time for a post-match interview with yours truly!
And with that, my dear pack members, we’ve come to the end of this Diddy Kong Redemption-themed edition of Sport Report. I sincerely hope you enjoyed yourself tuning in to this Sport Report, and I likewise sincerely hope to see you come back around next month in Issue 230, where I have more news related to the Diddy Kong Redemption movement for you to indulge yourselves in. Until then, I hope you have a most fantastic April and a most fantastic May up until Issue 230’s release.
We interrupt your program with another BREAKING NEWS REPORT!
A Bulrush is freely roaming Toad Town. This creature is native to the Flower Kingdom, but an eyewitness claims that this one wound up here in an unusual manner. While normally docile, Bulrushes angrily charge at anyone they set their eyes on, so we at ToadTV advise all Toad Town residents to stay indoors and barricade your homes. This Bulrush will harm civilians if given the chance, so focus on keeping your family safe.
Despite their large size, Bulrushes aren't as powerful as they look; they can only break through small blocks, and if they ram into a solid wall or building, they'll lose all momentum and become dazed for a short time. Fortunately, avoiding their charge is rather simple, as they can only run in a straight line. If you find yourself face to face with the wild Bulrush, do not engage or run away from it. Sidestep its attack or jump over it, that is if you have strong enough legs.
We'll now take you live with Clara T., who's about to interview the previously mentioned eyewitness of the current situation. Clara?
Thank you Tattle Toad! I'm here with Toad Town farmer Prosperi T. Do you know anything about how the Bulrush got here?
"I sure do, ma'am. Yesterday I was tendin' to ma' flower gardin when I saw one o' Bowser's airships flyin' through tha sky! It was purty far away, but I saw what looked like a small blue dot fall from the bottom of it. I didn't know what it was at the time, but when I was waterin' my plants this mornin' I saw a Bulrush within 10 feet from ma fence! It didn't notice me at first 'cause it was munchin' on grass, but when I stood up I dropped my waterin' can by mistake, alerting the animal."
Interesting. How exactly did it get into Toad Town?
"I was gettin' to that! As soon as I was noticed, the Bulrush didn't hesitate and charged right at me! I managed to get out of its way, but my poor block fence was demolished and the creature managed to enter Toad Town Square! It's been here ever since."
I see. Well, thanks for your time Prosperi T. Do you have any advice for the viewers at home?
"Yes, actually. Make sure y'all have sturdy fences around your residences! Especially if you have a garden! You never know what this world'll throw at ya. That's all."
Thanks for your time, sir. Back to you, Tattle Toad!
Thank you Clara T. Based on that interview, this Bulrush seems to be an accidental stowaway from one of Bowser's Airships returning from the Flower Kingdom. It seemed to have temporarily inhabited the ship's cargo bay before "jumping off" to escape. We'll inform you of when the Bulrush is removed from Toad Town, but for now, please stay at home until the situation is under control. We now return to your regularly scheduled programming.
Star Ratings
Written by: BigBoom1946 & Boo1268
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It's a pleasure for you to meet me, my name is Mind Master, and I am your host of Star Ratings. I have always been the host, mind you. If you, for some reason, remember someone else as the host, then I strongly believe you are mistaken. Now to get back on track, this week, we are covering a place between time and space itself, an endless labyrinth of pain, misery, and nothingness, a place otherwise known to others as, The Void.
History
The Void was formed by the Chaos Heart upon its awakening and was later used by Count Bleck in his plot to wipe out reality. What many people don't know is that after his defeat, some of the void remained in-between worlds, occasionally picking up pieces of wayward matter, giving it little islands of refuge for travelers who got stuck there. I am very familiar with the place, having spent some time there myself.
Locations
The Void lacks any noteworthy locations, save for one- the ruins of Castle Bleck. This sprawling castle was created by Count Bleck as his base of operations. It is currently just a large pile of bricks, with the area occasionally having immense tremors for unknown reasons.
My glorious self and others...
The Void is very unkind and unforgiving, a vastly uncharted place that has no rhyme or reason. Gravity is nonexistent here allowing beings to float at their leisure, however when coming into contact with the few and sparse pieces of land located here, gravity THEN decides it wants to work. However, since I usually float everywhere I go this is rarely a problem for me. The Void, in spite of its emptiness, causes the body to change in unexpected and strange ways. Since I was once an Ameboid, I evolved from a single cell blob to a complex organism! However, the other few forced to be trapped in this place are less lucky than I, mutating into either nothing but sludge and goo, or having their mind and body warped to the point of insanity. Thankfully, I was lucky enough to only be exposed in a positive way with almost NO downsides. Alongside this, thanks to my powers I now have the ability to create a home for myself in this void from the ruins of this castle, alongside all the few hostile void entities, the ruins and pieces of things lost to the void, plus myself in all my glory. The only other thing here is portals opening and closing to other locations throughout the multiverse, some of which I have traveled to and seen, so if you're looking for easy multiversal travel with a gamble for danger, then this place is for you! Eventually, while traveling the multiverse, I encountered a strange spaceship drifting through the cosmos and proclaimed it my own, before starting an amazing column called Star Ratings, which instantly became the most popular column of all time.
Overview
In general, the Void is not a great place to live. See you next time, everyone!
Written by: Boo1268
The Stolen History of Nabbit
Hello, readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. Spring is beginning to near its end and as such that means another ‘Shroomfest is here! However I will say this recent one wasn’t as quacked up as it was meant to be. As such, after a recent expedition to help out some of my friends at the archaeological site, and uncovering an ancient map, I decided since I had spent a lot of time uncovering ancient ruins these past few weeks, (which is a story for another day) I could hop into the history of something more simple this month, that being the history, or rather surprising lack thereof, of one of the Mushroom Kingdom’s most elusive individuals, the notorious bunny thief Nabbit. Now despite my best efforts as a well seasoned historian, I say with the utmost certainty that this has to be the HARDEST individual to find info about. Not only that, the info I could concretely find out about this bandit bunny is at best limited and at worst a basic understanding as to who Nabbit is, with most of his actual history and background being derived from half-baked “theories” that most of the time barely hold water factually. So join me as I recount the little actual history Nabbit has jotted down, alongside sorting through the theories and hypotheses surrounding his backstory, So with that out of the way, let us begin, shall we?
| Nabbit | |
|---|---|
|
This rabbit thief is well known throughout the Mushroom Kingdom for his penchant for stealing items, coins etc. He almost never speaks and is an enigma wrapped in a conspiracy. Sometimes he's good, sometimes he's bad, but at the end of the day, as long as he gets a reward he will do whatever someone wants. |
| Fun Fact!: Some individuals have claimed to have heard Nabbit speak before, but this is almost never the case, as when he attended the Olympics he was found to be using a voice recorder. However, it is unsure if the recordings were actually Nabbit's real voice, or he copied the voices from someone. | |
As stated before, the background of this thief is very ambiguous, but I’ll try my best to give all the official details. Nabbit first made his public appearance in the Mushroom Kingdom during one of Bowser's many invasions. More specifically, during the U takeover, back when Bowser's main airship had a giant mechanical hand, in which he used said hand to steal the princess with. Nabbit would steal the hard earned items from young Toads in their Toad Houses, thankfully being caught multiple times by the Bros., having him return the items he stole. However, it would seem as if Nabbit had lived in the Mushroom Kingdom long before that, with a permit for a Toad House being requested by an anonymous individual using a false name, Cassarin Capri. However, it was eventually confirmed that the person does not exist. Nabbit would appear now and again, terrorising individuals for their items, seemingly during pandemics or when the Mario Bros. had a quest, such as the Paper Jam invasion, or during the Rio Olympic Games. His most recent appearance was during Princess Peach and Daisy's diplomatic visit to the flower kingdom, tagging along for the adventure during Bowser's Wonder Castle takeover, stated by the Poplins as “kinda just there”. This is also not to mention the two times he has attempted to rob me during the previous two ‘Shroomfests, in which he first teamed up with Waluigi, then attempted to disguise himself as Bowser, albeit poorly. Alongside that, Nabbit also seems to be obsessive over Mario & Co, constantly following them around. And just like that, that's all the confirmed history we have on Nabbit from any record books and official accounts. I told you all this part was thin, but I suppose that now we should delve into the crazy, insane, and most of the time implausible theories surrounding Nabbit's origins.
| Bowser Jr.’s Mask Vs. Nabbit’s Mask | ||
|---|---|---|
|
|
While appearing very similar to each other, both Nabbit and Bowser Jr.’s masks differ in terms of how they are drawn, with Bowser Jr.'s being more sloppy, while Nabbit’s is somewhat cleaner. It was at first theorized that Nabbit WAS Bowser Jr., however this has since been deconfirmed, with Bowser Jr. and Nabbit having appeared multiple times at the same time. |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know that, while it has never been confirmed by the Koopa King, it has been theorised that Nabbit may be anything from a lost member of the Koopalings, to a clone of Bowser Jr., however this has never been proven as true. | ||
At first, many people rumored that Nabbit was in fact Bowser Jr. in disguise, pretending to be someone else to steal items the Bros. could use on their adventures. However, this rumor was shot down. Another theory could be that Nabbit is a humanoid Rabbit from another world, however some are not even sure that Nabbit IS related to Rabbits, or is a Rabbit at all. Alongside this, he is clearly not related to a Rabbid, seeing as how the alternate universe created by the set of strange items occured MUCH later on, after Nabbit had appeared. Nabbit however is very much deconfirmed to be a robot of some kind, but he MAY be a moon Rabbit, similar to the Broodals, but once again this is a speculation. Nabbit has an obsession with collecting many things, from Yoshi Eggs, to Brick Blocks, but most importantly items, but since he lives in a Toad House, is he really a Toad? Is he a Toad obsessed with Bowser Jr., so much so he wanted to take his likeness? Or was he inspired by Bowser Jr.? Many more theories have come about as to who Nabbit really is, some say he's Stanley the Bugman, who after retiring from his job as a bug exterminator, became a thief. Others say he’s Scripulous Fingore donning the mantle of Nabbit after being lost to time, others say she’s Wapeach, but despite these theories, nobody has a concrete answer as to who Nabbit really is. However, there is ONE theory that may hold water if you're crazy enough to believe it, but then again, what do we have to lose?
| Koopa Kid | |
|---|---|
|
A tiny clone of Bowser who was lost to the sands of time. Koopa Kid was the first ever “relative” of Bowser, at many times the king calling a main Koopa Kid his son. Many differing color variations had taken up many roles during the early years of Mario’s Parties, however he disappeared over time. |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know that some people theorize that Koopa Kid was actually an artificial clone of Bowser, supposedly made to help Bowser with his royal duties and be his “son” in public, while Bowser Jr. was off at boarding school. | |
One of the BIGGEST leading conspiracies surrounding Nabbit, is that Nabbit himself is in fact one of the remaining Koopa Kids that are still around and has been keeping low as Nabbit for a long time, while also keeping tabs on Mario & Co. Now while this is very much a theory, it does hold some water to it, with the Toad House Nabbit lives in having detailed records of Mario and his adventures, the clear signs of someone keeping an eye on your “father’s” mortal enemy. The obsession with Bowser Jr.’s mask also makes sense, with a Koopa Kid wanting to emulate/copy Bowser Jr.’s style to figure out why he had been rejected by Bowser in favor for Bowser Jr. The self-plastering on the walls of the Toad House make it seem as if a Koopa Kid is attempting to establish himself as his own person, discovering his self identity, rather than being a clone of someone he once knew. And the list just goes on and on, from his cheeky nature matching the Koopa Kids, to the Koopa Kids’ penchant for items, the “facts” seemingly line up for Koopa Kid to be the clear identity of Nabbit. It is also a generally accepted theory among conspiracy theorists that Nabbit hides his identity in order to not be destroyed like all the other Koopa Kid clones during what they call “The Koopa Kid Sweep” eliminating the existence of Koopa Kid from the Koopa Kingdom’s records, destroying the clones and sweeping it all under the rug, with their unethical experiments with cloning technology never coming to light, with Bowser attempting to stop the Koopa Kids from taking over his kingdom by forming a coup to overthrow him due to poor working conditions and minimum wage. But when asked why Bowser would go out of his way to do something like this, creating clones of himself to act as his son, not many know. However, as always there are theories, from creating the Koopa Kids to run the kingdom’s more prominent fixtures, (since some say the only person you can trust is yourself), to again missing his own son and wanting a bunch of mini hims running around, to having originally made only one clone of him as a test for something bigger, but the cloning process accidentally spewed out a bunch of more Koopa Kids, with some getting messed up in the process. To be truthful, nobody knows, and after doing so much research, I hope to never find out if these bonkers theories are real or not.
| Secret Island | |
|---|---|
|
A mysterious island located between the Acorn Plains and Sparkling Waters that holds only one thing on it, a Purple Toad House which belongs to Nabbit. Only accessible by Cannon or Launch Pipe, Nabbit’s house is a secret to many, as many cannot even find it again after they find it the first time. While mysterious, it does provide an explanation as to where Nabbit stores all his items he steals and how he's able to move from location to location so quickly, even with his speed. |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know that Nabbit seems to be obsessed with all the things Mario did during the U invasion? From the amount of Coins, Stars, items, and 3-Up Moons he collected, to more obscure things, like Boost Blocks Mario used, Fireworks fired off, and how many times Mario had caught Nabbit! Pretty strange isn't it? | |
But alas, after everything I researched, I was no step closer to finding out who Nabbit was. But perhaps that is for a reason, since through all the talk in my line of work about wanting to find the answer about something, mysteries are what make life so enchanting. It's always the prospect of wanting to uncover something wondrous that makes us happy to be explorers or historians, the way our imagination wanders and creates ideas as to what the answers we seek could be. It's about the journey, the feeling of putting together the clues behind the mysteries that plague our lives, the chance to scratch the itch of curiosity we all have. So perhaps we will never find out what happened to the Koopa Kids, we may never uncover the history behind everything in our lives, we may NEVER find out who Nabbit really is, but sometimes it's better to leave a mystery for someone else to solve, to have them scratch the itch, to have the questions unanswered. So remember dear readers, sometimes it's better to accept the wonder of life's great mysteries, rather than to find an answer that isn't there and drive ourselves insane. But, it is also good to find the answers to something to scratch the itch of discovery, to unravel the story rather than be left in the dark. Knowledge is power, so to summarise, some things can be solved, but others can't, no matter how hard you try. Pick your battles, but always stay curious, And so, with that, our story ends. I really hope you all enjoyed this edition of The Spectral Lens! This one is MUCH shorter than usual, but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless. If you have any suggestions for what I should look into next time, make sure to check out my official forum page. I'm always willing to nab any ideas for what you all want me to cover next! So don't be afraid to give me suggestions. And with that I say: Merci, au revoir.
Written by: Zdrmonster Productions
Blue Bubblo is Missing!
Blue Bubblo, the young and nervous Shiny Ditto typically taking the form of a "female" Squirtle, has gone missing a few days ago. She was last seen somewhere around Toad Town in her true form as depicted in the picture above, looking with unease at a blue Yoshi. Her current whereabouts are unknown, which isn't considered good as she's scheduled to be with Pibblun in the Mega Brawl to be hosted at Kōyō Mountain during a now-unknown date.
Piplup and Chimchar of Team Poképals have stepped up to provide a search effort to find Blue Bubblo, but they have been struggling so far as they don't have a clue on where Blue Bubblo could be. All they know is that she's somewhere in the Mario universe right now, due to the whole Toad Town thing.
Let's go live to interview some potential witnesses!
Pibblun: I don't know what happened... She didn't seem particularly happy the last time I saw her, so maybe she's going through something... But I bet her absence is delaying the Brawl even further!
Hareta Squirtle (Team Go-Getters): Hey, I don't know where she went! All I know is that I'm really worried for her, why are you interviewing me?
Chikorita (Team Go-Getters): Chika chika chika? Chika chikori! Chika chika chika chika chika...
To assist in the search effort, here's some basic information about Blue Bubblo so you'll know what she looks like: As a Ditto, she always has that uncertain expression, being nervous about everything and having a form of... Wishing she wasn't a Ditto... Her usual transformations are a pink bow-wearing "female" Squirtle, a Shiny Chikorita, and a few others but typically cute first-stage Pokémon. In the Pokéverse, she's taken care of by a Shiny Glaceon and has slowly warmed up to her true self. Even if she pretends to be female, she reportedly has a bit of a tomboyish personality in her Squirtle form. There's also no dot eyes in her Squirtle form, but there's a shine on a part of her face that isn't on other Squirtle faces, often covered by the bow.
If you or someone you know has any information involving Blue Bubblo's whereabouts, please contact us right away at Pokémon Newscenter!
Written by: Legend 8
The Sorcery Show
Episode 28: Game Night, Part 2
Pyro: Hey! Kroop! Will you please just stop it?!
Our heroes are still trapped in a dark, smelly dungeon in the shape of their tabletop game characters - and Kroop is apparently having lots of fun using his newly gained legs to chase Pyro through the dark, smelly corridors, while threatening to smite him with his newly-gained hands.
Kroop: No! Because I am not Kroop - I'm Kroopus the Destroyer, and Kroopus the Destroyer will stop at nothing to get his revenge! Huh, it's really refreshing to be the one making the threats instead of the one who's being threatened...
Pyro: Please! I want to argue as much as you do, but we've been stuck in here for a month and we should probably cooperate or something to find the Explainer and get out of here. Besides, arguing isn't really that fun when you're a paladin twice my size and power!
Kroop: Well, obviously, but wait - a month? What the heck, I've only been chasing you for a few minutes, and that was right after we started arguing, which was like, two seconds after we realized the Explainer was missing! So what are you talking about?!
Pyro: Eh, it's fine, you wouldn't understand it anyways.
Kroop: Hey! Just so you know, I'm putting each of those dumb comments of yours right onto my smite list. Now stop running and let me punch you!
Pyro: I'd rather not, actually! But please just listen to me for once?
Kroop: Oh of coooourse I'll listen to you, because listening to you has definitely never ever before resulted in something very bad happening, right?
Pyro: Exactly! So just lower your fists and stop chasing me and we can resume arguing like we usually do to hopefully get us out of this mess in some w-
Pyro suddenly seems to slow down and freeze in midair.
Kroop: Pyro?
Pyro (strongly muffled): Aw man, I think I ran into a gelatinous cube!
Kroop: What? I still don't know what you're talking about but it really doesn't sound very nice, so hold on, I'm coming to help you!
Kroop runs over to Pyro, who is still stuck, and holds out his hand.
Kroop: Here! Take my hand!! (oh, I love having hands...)
Pyro: Didn't you want to smite me first? Now would be your perfect opport- AARGH! Th-the acid, it burns so m-much, it's digesting me alive! Uh, no need to rush though.
Kroop: What?! Just take my hand already! I'll pull you out!
Pyro takes Kroop's hand and Kroop gives it a powerful pull, hauling him backwards at a snail's pace until he is freed, landing on the ground next to Kroop.
Kroop: You really need to be more careful... Hold on, let me just examine and probably smite what held you there.
However, as Kroop nears the point where Pyro was stuck, carefully reaching out his hands - they don't hit anything at all! Confused, Kroop moves his hand back and forth, but it truly seems like there is nothing but dark, smelly dungeon air...
Kroop: What the...? Pyro, there's nothing here!
Pyro: Oh, geez, that sneaky cube must have escaped while you were busy saving me!
Kroop: ...Wait. You probably just levitated there, didn't you? The stuff about some gelatinous cube eating you alive, that was all a lie, right? Just so we would both stop running and I would be worried and not smite you?
Pyro: Yeah, uh, obviously. I mean, this is the Marioverse, why would there be an actual gelatinous cube hanging around here? Plus, they're not even that transparent as long as you're wearing your glasses.
Kroop: Oh come on!! See, THIS is why Kroopus the Destroyer swore his oath of vengeance against you! You're always doing some stupid shenanigans for your own personal fun and/or profit!
Pyro: By the way, I just stood up, so your chance to smite me is officially over. So now are we gonna plan to get out of here or what?
Kroop: groans Fine. Where do we start?
Before Pyro can answer, an incorporeal voice booms through the dark, smelly corridors.
Oh, fiiiinnallyyy. I was already getting bored. But... it seems like you are now ready to start my quest.
Pyro: Uh, what now? Sorry, I wasn't listening.
Kroop: Was that the Explainer talking?!
Heh. No... that weakling is long gone. I... am the Dungeon Master!!!
Pyro: Aw man, I wanted to be the Dungeon Master!
Kroop: What do you want from us?
Nothing in particular... You just have to play along... in my little game. And for that... you will need to... COOPERATE!!!
The voice's last words eerily echo through the dungeon again and again, and Pyro and Kroop look at each other in horror.
Kroop: No. Nope. No way, never, and absolutely not!
Pyro: Same. By the way, strange voice that may or may not be our corrupted friend, did you ever realize how many dramatic pauses you leave when you speak?
...of course. But that doesn't matter now. Because you, my poor, lost adventurers... have a dungeon to escape from. MY dungeon.
Pyro: Ooooh, you have gotten a LOT better at being ominous! Before, you were all like "oh let me explain" and stuff, you know?
Of course I know. He was always very... pathetic.
Pyro: Yeah, exactly!
Kroop: Excuse me?! That's not a very nice thing to say about him, and if this ominous voice really is the Explainer but evil, why would you appreciate his change of attitude?
Pyro: Whoops, I, uh, got carried away. Sorry, Explainer.
That apology was really not necessary. Anyways... follow the corridor you're in, and you'll find your first task. Eventually. I'll be waiting.
Kroop: So if he's turned evil, do we follow his orders or not?
Pyro is already gone, whistling a happy tune as he floats further into the dark, smelly dungeon.
Kroop: Ugh, okay. Seems like I'll just have to follow you once again.
They follow the dark, smelly corridor until they reach a door.
Kroop: Pyro, stop! We should look for traps first!
Pyro simply kicks in the door and walks through. There is a moment of dramatic silence... But nothing happens.
Pyro: See? No traps!
Kroop: Ugh.
As they enter the room and look around-
Hey, shut up. Narrating is... MY job now, after all.
Pyro: Oh no! He's usurping the usual narration!
Don't worry, I will make it a lot more... interesting. Now, as you enter the room and look around... you find yourselves in...
Kroop: Now you're really stretching it with the pauses!
...A dark, smelly dungeon.
Kroop: Oh come on!
However, it is a dungeon... of the prison kind. There's jail cells with iron bars along the walls, and at the far end of the room... one of the cells has a prisoner in it.
Pyro: Oooh, it's the final boss!
Kroop: What? Of course not! Look, it's just a tied up Toad NPC we have to rescue.
Pyro: Oh, right. Then let's ask him for directions! Hi there, mister Toad - would you happen to know the direction of the boss room so we can get out of here as soon as possible?
???: Mmmhhh!!
Kroop: ...Pyro, we should probably untie him and remove that gag first.
Pyro: Oh, right. Silly me.
You untie the Toad who, gasping for fresh air, thanks you and reveals that his name is... Fungro, the explorer.
Kroop: Nice to meet you, but - what the heck are you doing here?
Pyro: Yeah, it's super dangerous! Especially those sneaky, evil jelly cubes, those are really horrible. And invisible too!
Fungro: Well, they're certainly no problem for a professional adventurer like me!
Pyro: Wait, but aren't you just some random Toad NPC?
Fungro: It's your personal choices and ambition that matter, not your origins!
Kroop: But why ARE you here in this risky dungeon, now?
Fungro: Well, the evil Shy Guy warriors imprisoned me here. Their leader took my fancy loot, including the magic ? Block of power that I came here to find!
Pyro: Power? Fancy loot? I'm in!
Kroop: No, the one magic ? Block in your brain is more than enough! But as a righteous paladin, I believe that we should still help him regain his treasure.
Pyro: You're only biting that plot hook cause you want to smite stuff, right?
Kroop: I mean, yes - but what hook now?
Fungro: Just listen. Obviously, the evil general's hideout is locked behind three mysterious trials: testing your body, mind and courage. You will need to COOPERATE very much to succeed...
Pyro: Aw no.
Fungro: ...but, it is said that there lay great riches beyond the gates.
Pyro: Ooh, when are we starting?!
Guided by the Toad, you continue to march on through the dark, smelly corridors... until you stand before a pair of huge bronze gates.
Fungro: In the first quest, you must show power, cunning and-
Kroop: Pyro! Hey! Stay here!
Pyro has already opened the doors with a bang, bursting into the next room. Before Kroop can even react, eight Shy Guy statues suddenly come alive and draw their swords.
Pyro: Whoops.
As Pyro struggles to defend against the attackers, Kroop quickly follows him in - and the doors slam shut behind him.
Kroop: Whoops indeed. However: SMITE!!!
With Kroop starting to smite-punch the guardian statues into oblivion, Pyro takes advantage of the opportunity to shake off his own opponents and incinerate them. Eventually, after a pretty rough and tedious fight, there is just one statue left.
Pyro: I feel so weak compared to my usual self... But, I did manage to immobilize the last one, so it's all yours!
Kroop: Right. SMITE!!! ...huh??
Even though he had attacked from point-blank range, the Punch automatically misses the statue.
Hah! Realism is nothing... compared to the will of the dice.
However, when Pyro, barely even trying to help, bonks the statue with his staff one last time, it immediately crumbles into pieces.
Pyro: Yes! I'm not THAT weak after all!
Kroop: I hate luck.
Pyro: By the way, why don't you use an actual weapon?
Kroop: I was so happy about having hands, I kinda completely forgot...
Pyro: Whoops.
Kroop: Whoops indeed. However: smite-punches!
Pyro: Good point! Now let's move on, shall we?
...and as the last guardian falls, a radiant silver gate appears at the end of the roo-
Pyro has already entered, once again.
Pyro: Oh look, it's a labyrinth!
Kroop: I just hope you didn't get lost already.
Pyro: Uh, I kind of did... Every path is a dead end!
Kroop: What?? That's impossible. Let me take a look.
Every path is, in fact, a dead end.
Kroop: What the h- oh wait is that a pressure plate?
As Kroop steps onto the plate outside the labyrinth entrance, there is a whirring and grinding noise and suddenly...
Pyro: Huh. How weird. Now there's a path forwards, but the entrance is closed off!
This is the moment when the two figure it out. After spending around an hour experimenting with various paths and pressure plates, arguing at least twice, going in a big circle and then Pyro enabling Kroop to follow him using identical plates at the exit after he was already out, they are finally both finished...
...and suddenly... the third, sparkling golden gate of courage materializes before you.
Kroop: Huh. That riddle was only solvable if you're two people...
Pyro: You're right! Perhaps it meant to tell us that we are, in fact, better off together - with you as my sidekick!
Kroop: Hey!
Stop arguing. The third gate awaits you...
Kroop: Fine.
As they enter the next dark, smelly room,...
...you notice a huge crack filled with lava that separates the part where you're standing and the far side of the room.
Pyro: Hah, that's simple. I'll just float over!
Kroop: Hey, what about me?!
Pyro: Hm... There's nothing interesting or useful here whatsoever. But I need to keep searching, so feel free to go for a swim!
Kroop: You know what? That IS a lot better than just waiting till you get bored.
Kroop jumps into the lava while Pyro continues searching for an exit.
Pyro: Huh, there REALLY is nothing here!
Kroop: Aw. But, you know, I have an idea. Come on in! The lava's really nice!
Pyro: What? But I don't have my powers, without protection spells, I'm gonna get burned into a crisp!
Kroop: First, how can you even still float without your powers? And second: just trust me!
Pyro: Me? Trust you?? Never!
Kroop: But it's important!
Pyro: Oh no, you're definitely trying to trick me! You want all the fancy loot for yourself!
Kroop: What?? No!
Pyro: Oh yes. I won't fall for your cheap strategy!
Kroop: Seriously?! Just chill out, I'm not trying to get rid of you! I could've just smitten you earlier!
Pyro: Ha, that's what a traitor would say!
Kroop: Okay. Fine. Then what about this: would it make sense to follow my idea?
Pyro: No, not really. ...oh, yeah. Which is exactly why I'm going to do it!
Pyro jumps into the lava.
Kroop: Finally...
Pyro: Hey, this isn't even warm! This is fake lava or something!
Kroop: Yep. And by having the courage to test it out...
...you, foolish mortals, have successfully passed... all three trials!
Kroop: Exactly.
The cold lava starts swirling around in circles, in a whirlpool that pulls them downwards. Everything goes orange for a second - and then, they find themselves popping through the ceiling of... another dark, smelly dungeon room. In a throne in the center, surrounded by minions, sits an armoured Shy Guy leader, holding the mysterious ? Block.
Pyro: Oh, that's the thing we're looking for! Time to fight, mwaha-
All of a sudden, the ceiling bursts open again - revealing Fungro the explorer who menacingly floats down towards them.
Fungro: Thanks for solving the riddles for me... But don't worry - I'll take the rest from here.
Pyro: Hey! No aura farming in the middle of my diabolical laughter!!
Kroop: H-huh?? You're the evil Explainer/Dungeon Master guy?!
"Fungro": Was all along! As the Dungeon Master, I am in control of every single minion,... whether good or bad!
Pyro: I told you he was gonna be the bossfight!
"Fungro": Heh, I will be much more than that. I... will be your DOOOOM!!!
He grabs the ? Block from the Shy Guy boss, who is incredibly confused and barely able to fight back, with his followers too frightened to make a move. Then, glitching out and floating upwards again, the Toad begins to sprout four huge semi-physical Explainer arms from his back, laughing evilly.
Kroop: It really is him! We have to do something!
Pyro: I shoot a spell... uh, I don't know, something powerful at him!
"Fungro": Well, you missed.
Pyro: Damn it!
Kroop: I never thought I would ever say this, but Pyro: use your wild magic! If something good happens, that might save the day!
Pyro: Not magic! But still, a quite respectable idea. I use my wild... Urgh, you known what I mean.
"Fungro": Well, you just accidentally cast fireball centered in yourself.
A huge fiery explosion erupts around Pyro, leaving Kroop and him scorched and coated in soot like in a cartoon.
Both: DAMN IT!!
"Fungro": Hahahaha. You're... amusing. But that too will soon be over... Haha...
Kroop: Stop it!! If you're in there somewhere, Explainer: just stop it, you don't have to do this!
Almost immediately, the sinister cackle turns into a more familiar tone - the Explainer's voice, heartily laughing! His body, too, morphs back into the familiar semi-physical glitch shape, and all surrounding enemies vanish.
Hahaha... Yeah, you're right - and I won't.
Kroop: Wait, what??
Pyro: Aw come on! This is no climax, just a big old deus ex machina! That's not gonna be good for the section...
I would agree with you here - had I ever been evil at all...
(Very dramatic DUN DUN DUNNNN sound effect)
Kroop: Again, wait, what??! So you were just... acting all the time??
Of course! I suddenly had the unlimited power of a Dungeon Master, obviously I was going to use it to make you cooperate! And what better motivation for that than an ominous quest from your corrupted friend?
Pyro: So wait, this entire dungeon was all about forcing us to work together?
Kroop: Ohhhh! Now that I know, it becomes shockingly obvious that all three quests were just there to make us trust each other! And that the Shy Guys never really existed either answers so many logical problems!
And you know what the fun part is? Those quests were already prepped long before we entered this dimension and I decided to take the job of Dungeon Master! Essentially, you just played the game I planned but with more realism.
Pyro: And it wasn't even that bad after all!
Really? Thanks! I found it pretty nice, too. But sometimes it was REALLY painful to watch how little you make progress.
Kroop: I suppose those were the moments when we were arguing? Yeah, it does seem like we're a lot more effective working together than against each other...
Pyro: You know, I think we might just be done arguing for a bit now. And whenever we start again, Explainer, feel free to prepare another game to teach us better!
Not a bad idea! And I would look forward to playing again, even without an argument beforehand.
Kroop: But you still gotta make breakfast.
Yeah, I'll learn from my mistakes, too.
Pyro: Oh, and sorry for saying you are pathetic... I was just kinda caught up in this villain-talk-with-our-enemies thing I sometimes do.
It's fine. After all, I made that up to begin with.
Pyro: Great. ...and then there's just one more problem: how do we get home?
Kroop: Already? But I want to keep my hands!
As the DM, getting you home shouldn't be a problem. I could probably level you up or give you a spell scroll so you can teleport us out of here. But we could also stay for a bit a bit longer if you want?
Pyro: Oh yeah - I just realized we still need to loot this place!
Kroop: And I have to say goodbye to my hands... By using them to smash doors and enemies and treasure chests, of course.
Well then... are you all ready to play a game with me?
Both: Yes!!
A bit later, still in the dark, smelly dungeon...
Pyro: Ooh, treasure!
You find... a scroll of teleportation!
Pyro: Cool, thanks!
Kroop: And what's in my chest?
A mimic, unfortunately. It tries to eat you.
Kroop: Oh, crap! This HAS to be rigged!!
The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
Introduction
Muahahaha! It is the one, the only Bar D. Jokue, infamous scourge of The Sunshine Travel Agency, a company that is no more! Yes, yes, please hold your applause for a few moments while I enlighten your pitifully dim understanding of the situation. You see, there was a pathetic, irritating pest named Cosmo, who thought he was hot stuff just because his travel guide was popular, he was a CEO, and he beat Mario and co. in a kart racing tournament. Pff, if it were Smash Bros, he'd be long gone.
Anyhow, before any of that, Cosmo was fired from his position as travel guide writer, leaving a vacancy for me! Leaving my drab, dreary job behind along with my family and singular friend, I risked everything to get my dream job of writing travel guides. But, after one issue that I didn't even get to complete, Cosmo ruined everything!
In a noble effort, my friend Guy later got a position as assistant travel guide writer, not getting the news that I was fired. Inevitably, Guy was fired too, despite writing one of the greatest pieces of English literature ever! So clearly, Cosmo was a selfish jerk who wanted all the travel guide writing glory for himself.
One fateful day, though, Cosmo willingly accepted help from another on his travel guide. How dare he! We had offered to help many times, but he chose a dead guy over us? Enraged, we intercepted the duo during their travels and got our butts handed to us defeated them, but they somehow escaped.
Since then, Cosmo has collaborated with many others, while continuing to avoid us. What does a crab have that we don't? We even took over the travel guide again, but then we had it taken from us! Guy and I have clashed with Cosmo many times in many ways, from kart racing to trying to blow up The 'Shroom. The point I'm trying to make here is that Cosmo always wins. But not anymore.
I have bested my rival, finally! Hearing of his plans to visit Ingot Isle, I sprung a trap for him in the planet core. After ambushing him, I forced the Banandium Root to grant Guy's wish and then mine. Together, we wished to transform Cosmo into a potted plant (now sitting on my desk) and to put me in control of The Sunshine Travel Agency, which I have molded to my liking, and renamed it: "The Bar D. Jokue + Guy Epic Awesome Travel Place Thing"
Now, this incredible company produces a brand new kind of travel guide (I think). See, the travel guide community has grown bored of the same old stuff, tired of guides that tell you what to do and where to go for the best possible experience. So I'm shaking things up! The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide will tell you exclusively what not to do and where not to go, covering terrible locations and making terrible jokes. Enjoy!
Luncheon Kingdom: Recipe for Disaster
The Luncheon Kingdom, situated nearby the Snow and Seaside Kingdoms, as well as the Ruined Kingdom, is warm, weird, and anything but wonderful. At the center of this painful pastel prison is Mount Volbono, which this guide will focus on as we couldn't be bothered to go anywhere else. Well, to start off, here's some helpful background information!
Some Helpful Background Information
The Luncheon Kingdom is a bit of an oddity, which is a nice way of saying a blight on the earth. It has baffled the greatest scientific minds, with nobody being able to understand just what anything here actually is. The "lava" is bright pink and has sentient bubbles living in it, the food is angular, huge, and tough as stone, and the locals, who are living forks, cook using a volcano.
So, the locals are called Volbonans, and every year they hold a festival where they cook a stew on top of their volcano and serve it to tourists. Allegedly it tastes great, but the festival only happens once a year, so this place is only worth anything once a year. Any other time, and it's just boring, dangerous, and very, very hot.
Dangers
Mount Volbono is an active volcano. Yes, you heard me right. The Volbonans built their small town, Peronza Plaza, right next to an active volcano. Just with that, you know this place is gonna be dangerous, but it doesn't stop there. For some reason, they place their gigantic cooking pots in places where you can easily fall in, and stack dozens of cans precariously on top of each other, which all tumble down at the lightest touch.
The Volbonans boast that all their ingredients are taken straight from their surroundings, which is another huge problem. Who knows how long those giant rock-hard things called food have been sitting there? Just because your ingredients are organic doesn't mean the meal won't give you food poisoning. Plus, I don't think those giant vegetables are organic anyway!
On the outskirts of the mountain, you can find some old buildings, which are apparently the original town the Volbonans lived in. Why would they abandon their huge town and go to live in a smaller one with far less space? Anyway, this old town is filled with tripping hazards, broken bridges, Hammer Bros who have pans, giant mounds of salt, and worst of all, cheese. Avoid at all costs.
For some reason, there are a whole bunch of doorways and pipes to other dimensions around here, often horribly dangerous ones. None of them make sense either, they just float in the void, waiting for someone with extremely specific abilities to traverse them. And yet another thing, apparently this whole area just floats? Like, if you take a boat to the edge, you just fall to your death. Great. Awesome.
If that wasn't bad enough for you, this whole region is covered in pink, gooey, deadly lava. It's everywhere! Look to your left, lava. To your right, more lava. Down? There might be lava there too. Up? Hey, there are a few places where you can see lava above you here! Thanks to all these issues, you can't really get anywhere in the kingdom unless you're good at parkour, have a power-up, or have a magic hat that can possess living creatures.
Places
Yeah, there are places in this place. That places it pretty high on the place podium, place speaking of course, and presuming the place is well placed. It placates the place inside me that yearns for places to know there are places in the place we call the world, a place in outer space. You know, it's putting me in my place to try to place the amount of times I've used place in this place of the paragraph. I was saying something about places, I just can't place my finger on it. Maybe if I go to my happy place, I'll be able to place the thing about places I was thinking about.
Okay, I'm back. What did I just write? Anyhow, as I was saying, there are a few places locations in this place area, that I will guide you through now. Why, you ask? What do you mean why?! I'm the one writing this travel guide, buster. I can write about whatever I want! You never questioned Cosmo, did you? Just enjoy it, and stop asking questions!
Ahem, most visitors will begin their journey in the aforementioned Old Town, and most visitors will also begin to regret their journey here too. The Crazy Cap travel guide hails it as marvelous preserved architecture, when most of it is just big bricks and slabs. Seriously, how did this town function? I can't even tell how they got into their buildings!
Next the visitors will come to Peronza Plaza, unless they take the side path to the cave, where they probably won't go any further considering the cave is basically a big ramp made out of lava. So, Persona Plaza is not great, but it's probably the most bearable part of the trip. There is an opportunity for gambling, an overpriced souvenir store, and stew. Lots of stew. They only make stew as far as I can tell. Hope you like stew. Personally, I'm stewing in my dislike for stew. It's stewpid. Okay, I will stop there so we don't have another place situation on our hands.
After that, most visitors give up considering there is a giant broken bridge so you can't go any further. If you can get over there however…there is nothing interesting. It's just boring things that all want to kill you. Gah, I'm done with this part. Onto souvenirs!
Souvenirs
Disclaimer: All souvenirs provided by Crazy Cap. Catalogue descriptions are also provided before each review. Prices pertain to regional currency (we think). Reviews are honest, trust us, you can tell.
| Chef Outfit | ||
|---|---|---|
|
Red scarves are a staple of fashion on Mount Volbono. Fashion staple? Everybody wears them! Are we sure they aren't just forced upon each resident? Anyway, this outfit is white so it can show as many stains as possible that you receive from cooking. Plus, the chef's hat is sold separately. | |
| PRICE: | 20 Luncheon Bux | |
| Souvenir Forks | ||
|---|---|---|
|
Inspired by the people of Mount Volbono, this cute pair of tall and short forks looks a bit like parent and child. The perfect souvenir, a small model recreation of the locals with no face and shoved in a case. Whoever made this probably secretly hated Volbonans. | |
| PRICE: | 5 Luncheon Bux | |
| Luncheon Kingdom Sticker | ||
|---|---|---|
|
A sticker inspired by the Peronza Plaza. Wait, it's written THE Peronza Plaza. I've been getting it wrong the whole time! Grr, me hate grammar. Hey why is blue squiggle line under that that correct me have good grammar GRAAAAAAAA | |
| PRICE: | 10 Luncheon Bux | |
Reviews
"This place sucks. Buy The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide instead. 0/10" - ProbablynotBarDJokue
"I second the other guy. 0/10" - ImprobablynotBarDJokue
"Yes, it is pretty bad over at the Luncheon Kingdom. Buy our products instead of visiting, it will fill the empty hole in your heart faster. 0/10" - GuytheShyGuy
Conclusion
Hey, it's Guy here. Bar D. Jokue had a bit of a breakdown, he was yelling something about grammar nobody could understand, then started saying the word "place" a whole bunch. So I figured I'd finish the travel guide for him. Hmm, there's a list here of things I have to say…Okay, I don't know what any of this means, but here we go. Contact me on the forums or Discord if you have suggestions, feedback, or want to complain about the section. Okay, that's it, I think, bye!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 229 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • 'Shroomfest Highlights • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
| Specials | Cloudgazing |
