The 'Shroom:Issue 228/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! Winter is finally kind of sort of in the rearview mirror, except for when it's not. Soon we'll be talking about Awards and playing the new Tomodachi Life, exciting stuff! But there's exciting stuff going on right this moment, too. Here's a hint: you're on a page with it!
We've got a couple guest sections for you! ClawgripFan9001's Diddy Kong Redemption movement continues with the monkey and his buddies taking a foray into the music business in Hot Records, and Boo1268 has written a News Flush about some TV-headed guy you may have heard of. In more unfortunate news, Koopa (talk) has sadly resigned from Investigative Research due to time constraints. Headrest and Inquis will definitely be missed around here! In other scheduling news, Dry Dry Data is off for the month and will be returning in April on a bi-monthly schedule.
Do you want to join Fake News? Visit our sign up page, which has everything you need to get started! Alternatively, if you want to write a one-off for one of our tried and true concepts like Hot Records or News Flush, just send that to me privately and I'll get things sorted out for you. Easy peasy, no application process or further commitment required! Hope to hear from you soon!
Section of the Month
Congratulations to Boo1268 for taking first place with The Spectral Lens! Looks like our voters love love, or at least when it involves the rulers of the aftergame. In second place we have DryBonesBandit's (talk) trip to Shining Falls to analyze the Anglefish in Dry Dry Data alongside special guest Sparks (talk). Finally, it's a third place tie between TheBlueCatMenace's inadvertent trip to The Underwhere in The Sunshine Travel Guide, and coverage of the latest Winter Olympics courtesy of MightyMario (talk) in TV Tomorrow. Be sure to keep showing your support to your favorite writers!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Spectral Lens | 6 | 30.00% | Boo1268 |
| 2nd | Dry Dry Data | 5 | 25.00% | DryBonesBandit (talk) & Sparks (talk) |
| 3rd | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 4 | 20.00% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 3rd | TV Tomorrow | 4 | 20.00% | MightyMario (talk) |
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: Wendy O. Koopa, ClawgripFan9001, and Ninja Squid
Dear Waluigi Time,
Can you please get me some sort of potion or something to make my idiot brothers Morton and Lemmy and Iggy and Larry drink to make them smart and not completely unintelligent like they are now? Their stupidity and immaturity is such an annoyance to me; no wonder the Mario Brothers always defeat us; me and Ludwig are the only intelligent and sane ones! I mean everyone knows Iggy has always been technically completely insane anyway.....
-Wendy O. Koopa
PS-even if you make my dumb siblings smart enough to defeat the Mario Brothers I still don't think it'll be enough to prevent our stupid boss Bowser Koopa from failing at yet ANOTHER one of his evil plans. Maybe I should be queen of the Koopas instead of him.
Well, we don't really do potions here, although I've been told my products are pretty wizard. But you're in luck, because we've been testing our brand new Waluigi Time Intelligence Gummies! Just one gummy makes you significantly smarter for up to 24 hours! We did a study with a test group where they took the same multiple-choice quiz before and after taking the gummy, and on the second attempt, subjects showed anywhere from 10-35% improvement on their scores! Shbeeg was really critical of it for some reason, and said things like "you should've just used a control group" and "you shouldn't have shown them the answers after the first test", but what does he know? The results clearly speak for themselves.
If that sounds of interest to you, I can send you a special prototype batch! Please note that this hasn't been approved for public use by Mushroom Kingdom authorities, could potentially be considered an illegal performance-boosting substance in academic circles, and may or may not have weird side effects that we don't know about. But you gotta do what you gotta do, right?
Dear Waluigi Time,
I have been stuck in New Wikisburg since I was abandoned here by a stork last year, and my parents haven't come looking for me all this time. Do I try to adapt to my new life in New Wikisburg or do I try to look for my parents myself?
- Wally the Baby Rhinoceros
Babies can write now? What's next, racing go-karts? Playing tennis? No, wait, that's happened already. But playing life-sized board games is still off the table, apparently. ...Where was I going with this? Actually, I'm pretty sure I wasn't going anywhere and I should just address the question now.
My advice is that you should try to stay put. After all, it's not your responsibility to be the one looking, and what if they're looking for you right now and only show up after you left! That would be a horrible mess! Unless you want to star in a movie, because now that I'm actually writing it, that sounds like a classic movie setup. We can call it "Finding Wally", or something. That's not already taken, is it?
Well, if you don't want to be the star of a movie where a single changed decision could've reduced the runtime to five minutes, then just stay put and try getting used to life in the big city in the meantime. There's lots of things to do here! For example... have you considered writing for The 'Shroom? Apparently that's something you can do. Then again, I don't know if you're allowed to get a job, actually.
Dear Waluigi Time,
Is the price tag of $19.99 for cereal the MSRP, or is JojaMart a greedy corporation?
-Anonymous Inkling
Haha, well, I can't say anything bad about the Joja Corporation, Waluigi Time Inc. has had a great business relationship with them for many years! So why don't we just move on from that...
While we're on the subject, the concept of MSRP is kind of interesting, don't you think? The manufacturer can say "hey, we think you should sell the product for this amount", but it is just a suggestion, so a distributor could decide they want to sell it for more than that. Because you know, they have to pay the manufacturer to get the product to sell in the first place, so maybe they decide they just want more money to pocket for themselves. I'm speaking entirely hypothetically, of course. No relation to any existing business arrangements whatsoever! And you know, in this hypothetical scenario, if the manufacturer decided to sell its products directly, like through a company website or something, you could get it cheaper from them at the MSRP.
By the way, did you know that Waluigi Time Inc. has its own website? We have games and comics and other fun stuff, just like in the good old days before the internet got boring! And you can buy our stuff and we mail it right to you! How cool is that?
Written by: MightyMario (talk)
Hello, and thanks for tuning in once more to TV Tomorrow! I'm your host, MightyMario! Last month's coverage of the Olympics put some shows on hiatus and gave us the wonderful world of sports instead, with Team Sonic ultimately winning the gold! It's back to a regular schedule this month, so let's see what's on TV!
Cable/Satellite
Event: A Colorful Concert: Live from Port Prisma
Network: Paint Network @6:00 PM MKST
Genre: Live/Dance
The Color Crew, Prism Island's number one dance group, is hosting a live, televised dance concert right in the heart of Port Prisma. Expect to see spectacular moves set to music, choreographed by none other than Jammin' Toad, whose recent concert at Autumn Mountain drew thousands of viewers on ToadTube. The Paint Stars of Prism Island will also create a color backdrop to go along with the Color Crew's motions. After the concert, Paint Network will air an encore of the event, just in case you want to see Red Toad's stylish Hue Hop again.
Movie: Big Blooper's Revenge (2012)
Network: Mushroom Kingdom Movie Channel @8:00 PM
Genre: Action/Adventure
The sequel to "Big Blooper" (2010) sees the titular creature rise from the depths of the Mushroom Ocean again after its defeat, alerting sea captain Daisy and poop deck swabber Wario. They team up with a Koopa Troopa and Birdo to fire as many cannonballs at the Blooper as they can before it can reach their boat and sink it. Though this isn't Wario's usual type of movie, critics and audiences say that he gave a good performance, noting his scene where he punches back the Blooper's tentacle, rescuing the Koopa Troopa from an inky demise.
Streaming
Show: The Three Shadows
Streaming on: Royal TV
Genre: Sitcom/Comedy
"The Three Shadows" is all about the Shadow Sirens: Vivian, Beldam, and Marilyn, as they get into weird and crazy situations in the workplace. Working under the boss of Naut-Corp, Sir Grodus, isn't easy, especially when he's just a head. His company is in need of new ideas, after their plan to release the Shadow Queen backfired, but Grodus has promised to have turned a new leaf, like the Sirens did afterward, but he keeps his sinister plans under wraps… at least until the Sirens inadvertently foil them! This sitcom streams on "Royal TV", the most elegant streaming service in the Mushroom Kingdom, perfect for princesses and queens!
Show: Yoshi Trek
Streaming on: Yoshi+
Genre: Adventure/Yoshi
Yoshi's got everything, his own video game series, theme park rides… so why not his own streaming service filled with shows about Yoshi? "Yoshi Trek" is one of them, following a different Yoshi every episode as they traverse locations and interact with the location's inhabitants. The latest episode of "Yoshi Trek" features Light-Blue Yoshi in the Fluttering Dunes, going up against Wild Ptooie Piranhas and Needlenoses to seek the Goal Ring at the edge of the dunes. Next week, Purple Yoshi experiences the shivering cold of Shuttlethread Pass and tries to not get his tongue stuck on any poles!
Program of the Month
Show: Speed Demon with Koopa the Quick
Network: Mario Kart Channel @9:00 PM MKST
Genre: Racing
Koopa the Quick of Bob-omb Battlefield and Tiny-Huge Island fame hosts a show all about him racing across the Mushroom Kingdom. He may not race on foot anymore, but his kart collection is massive, everything from the Badwagon to the Wild Wing in his garage, made possible from all his winnings from racing. Koopa the Quick also gives insight on racing tips, proper racing techniques and also showcases some archival footage from his career. Whether it's in a kart or on foot, Koopa the Quick is the Speed Demon!
And that will be all for this month's TV Tomorrow! I've been MightyMario and keep that remote control smokin'!
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
Ahoy, me crew o’ culinary corsairs! It be yer Cap’n, ClawgripFan9001 speakin’ ta ye once more! Do ye still wanna learn ‘ow ta craft new delectable dishes, or do ye be too big time now? Yar, har, har, har! I be kiddin’, me mateys! I know yer ‘unger fer culinary know-’ow ain’t satisfied just yet! Anyway, after me previous expedition ta Port Prism where I cooked up that delightfully spicy Magma Burger with Rock Koopa, I decided to set forth me streak o’ workin’ with new chefs I ‘adn’t worked with on Cookin’ Guide b’fore, so me journey this month led me ta the Marrymore wedding resort, where I ‘ad the pleasure o’ meetin’ an’ workin’ with famed cake baker Chef Torte an’ ‘is Apprentice, Sigmund Lindner. Together, the three o’ us crafted a most delicious Süßigkuchen, a wedding cake that can also be baked an’ eaten outside o’ wedding ceremonies. ‘Ere’s ‘ow me visit ta Marrymore an’ me cookin’ class with Chef Torte an’ Herr Lindner went.
ClawgripFan9001 arrived at the Marrymore wedding resort, entering the luxury hotel that came with it before scuttling up to the reception desk that was being manned by a male Purple Toad. “Aye, ‘scuse me, sir. I’m lookin’ fer Chef Torte an’ ‘is Apprentice. Ye know where I can find ‘em?” ClawgripFan9001 asked the Purple Toad at the reception desk.
“Chef Torte and his Apprentice? They’re currently in the kitchen of the Marrymore wedding chapel working on their latest wedding cake. I could give them a call and let them know that you’re coming?” The Purple Toad suggested in response, curiously tilting his head at the Sidestepper as he did so.
“Aye, that’d be ‘preciated.” ClawgripFan9001 nodded towards the Purple Toad, who nodded back in response as he picked up the receiver of the telephone that stood at the reception desk before punching in a phone number using the buttons on the telephone. Waiting for the person on the other hand of the line to pick up, the Purple Toad heard some mumbling coming through the receiver on the telephone.
“Yes, hello, Chef Torte. This is the Marrymore Hotel Resort reception desk. We got a Sidestepper wearing a chef’s hat over here who wishes to see you and your Apprentice.” The Purple Toad informed the person on the other end of the line, who turned out to be Chef Torte himself. Humming affirmatively in response to some more mumbling coming from the receiver on his telephone, the Purple Toad responded once more. “Alright, I’ll let the Sidestepper know that he’s free to meet with you and your Apprentice. Yes, thank you. Bye.” After putting down the receiver of the telephone, the Purple Toad addressed ClawgripFan9001 once more. “Chef Torte said that you’re free to meet with him and his Apprentice at the kitchen in the wedding chapel.” He informed the Sidestepper.
“Aye, aye! Thank ye so much fer yer time, sir!” ClawgripFan9001 grinned and saluted the receptionist before heading back out the door of the hotel and making his way over to the wedding chapel, venturing inside, then made his over to the kitchen where he found Chef Torte and his Apprentice, Sigmund Lindner waiting for him. Chef Torte was dressed in a black chef’s hat and matching dress shirt, whereas Sigmund Lindner was wearing a dark red chef’s hat and matching dress shirt so that both Tortes could be distinguished from one another. “Ahoy, Chef Torte! Thank ye fer takin’ time outta yer busy schedule ta meet with me!” ClawgripFan9001 greeted Chef Torte with his trademark lazy grin.
“Güten tag, Herr ClawgripFan. It ist vonderful to meet vith you as vell und potentially be featured in your cooking column für ze ‘Shroom. Zat over zhere ist my Apprentice, Sigmund Lindner. I’m sicher you’ve heard of him training unter mich in ze art of torte bachen, ja?” Chef Torte kindly greeted ClawgripFan9001, his thick German accent sounding through as he gestured to his Apprentice dressed in dark red, Sigmund Linder bowing towards ClawgripFan9001 in response.
“Ja, hallo. It is güt to meet you, Herr ClawgripFan. Chef Torte und I vere just in ze middle of baking our next groß wedding cake. Vould you perhaps like to learn how to make it für your cooking column?” Sigmund Lindner asked ClawgripFan9001 with a curious tilt of his head, giving the crustacean columnist a long look before receiving a smack upside the head from Chef Torte, causing Sigmund to rapidly shake his head in reflex.
“Zat isn’t your responsibility to ask, Sigmund! Du groß dummkopf!” Chef Torte berated Sigmund before calming down again as he shifted his attention back towards ClawgripFan9001. “But ja, Sigmund und I vere indeed working on a brand new wedding cake zat can also be consumed outside of wedding events. It is called ze Süßigkuchen. Ze two of us can show you, and you in turn to your column readers, how to make it. How about it?” Chef Torte then asked ClawgripFan9001 with the same curious tilt of his head that his Apprentice just gave towards the Sidestepper.
“Aye, aye! Ye an’ Sigmund just show me ‘ow it’s done, an’ I’ll be o’er ‘ere jottin’ down notes fer me column!” ClawgripFan9001 saluted Chef Torte in response before grabbing his notepad and pencil to do the diligent duties of writing down notes for his column. Chef Torte and Sigmund nodded in response as the two of them got to work in a subsequent manner, making their way over to the counter where all the ingredients for baking the cake were situated on top, gesturing to the lineup of ingredients as they did so.
“Für making ze Süßigkuchen, you need one of each of ze following ingredients - An egg, butter, cream, flour, milk, strawberries und sugar. As far as cooking gear needed für making ze cake is concerned, you really only need a single bowl, a beater für making ze cake batter, und an oven für baking ze cake.” Chef Torte explained to ClawgripFan9001, who nodded with an affirmative hum as he dutifully jotted all of this down onto his notepad.
“Aye, aye. I be ‘earin’ ye. Now what about the instructions fer makin’ it?” ClawgripFan9001 asked Chef Torte and Sigmund, glancing up from his notepad with a curiously raised eyebrow to look at the two bakers while he did this.
“Zat should be easy as pie, Herr ClawgripFan.” Sigmund informed the Sidestepper before receiving a hit upside the head with a rolling pin from Chef Torte in response to that statement. “Ow! Mein kopf!” The Apprentice cried out in pain after that thwack courtesy of his mentor, who held the rolling pin firmly grasped in his right hand whilst angrily folding his arms in front of his chest and tapping his foot.
“Do not insult our wünderbär creations like zat, Sigmund! Geschmackloser schwachkopf!” Chef Torte berated his Apprentice once more before calming down once more, shifting his focus back towards ClawgripFan9001 as he did so. “But ja, it should be easy enough to carry out ze cooking instructions. Pay close attention to vhat ve’re saying, und you should have yourself a cooking column fit für teaching your readers about ze latest in zungenstreicheln torte.” The more experienced of the two bakers told ClawgripFan9001, who nodded in understanding as he prepared himself to jot down the cooking instructions.
“First, you must put ze Sugar und ze Egg inside a bowl, zhen use ze beater to whip zat up into a nice, sweetened yolk to form ze base für ze cake batter.” Chef Torte told ClawgripFan9001 while gesturing for Sigmund to carry out those instructions for visual reference, in which the Apprentice did. “Add ze Butter und Flour to ze mix, zhen use ze beater once more to complete ze making of ze cake batter.” Chef Torte continued as he motioned for Sigmund to continue as well, with the Apprentice once again doing as he was told. Meanwhile, ClawgripFan9001 dutifully wrote all of this down onto his notepad as always, being the diligent journalist he’d become known to be.
“Once you’ve done all of zat, put ze cake batter inside ze oven, und let that bake für eighteen to twenty minutes at a temperature of three-hundred-und-fifty degrees Fahrenheit, or one-hundred-und-seventy-five-to-six degrees Celsius. Once ze cake is out of ze oven, you decorate it vith ze cream und strawberries, und you’re finished. Now, since zat vill take a while, und I’m sicher zat ve’re both running on a deadline, Sigmund und I have taken ze precaution of baking a completed sample of zis cake beforehand für you to taste, Herr ClawgripFan.” Chef Torte explained as he motioned for Sigmund to bring out the completed sample of the Süßigküchen as soon as the Apprentice had put the other one in the oven to bake.
“Ja, I sincerely hope zis sample vill be to your liking.” Sigmund chimed in as he handed a sample of the cake to the Sidestepper as soon as he was done writing all of this down onto his notepad, after which ClawgripFan9001 began to nibble away at the cake, with his eyes widening in shock and delight from how amazing the cake tasted. “Um, I take zat you like ze cake, Herr ClawgripFan?” Sigmund asked the Sidestepper with a curious tilt of his head.
“Yar, do I like it? Nar, matey! I love it! Ye and Chef Torte really make quite the formidable tag team as far as bakin’ all these amazin’ wedding cakes be concerned!” ClawgripFan9001 joyfully praised the baking skill of Chef Torte and his Apprentice, Sigmund Lindner. Both bakers proceeded to make a gentlemanly bow towards the Sidestepper in response to this praise, happy to hear it from such a pleasant food critic like himself.
“Danke, Herr ClawgripFan. Sigmund und I vere more zhan happy to take time out of our busy schedules to give you zhis cooking class und delighten your tastebuds vhile ve vere at it.” Chef Torte acknowledged ClawgripFan9001’s praises, with Sigmund nodding and humming his agreement on the matter. “If you ever vant to learn how to make ze greatest wedding cakes again sometime, don’t be shy to stop by ze kitchen here at ze Marrymore chapel, ja?” The famed baker then suggested to the Sidestepper.
“Aye, aye! I’ll be sure ta keep the invitation in mind! I was ‘appy ta ‘ave paid ye and yer Apprentice a visit out ‘ere at the Marrymore chapel meself!” ClawgripFan9001 saluted Chef Torte and his Apprentice, Sigmund Lindner with his trademark lazy grin.
Yar, so this be everythin’ ye need ta know in order ta make the Süßigküchen, courtesy o’ Chef Torte (an’ ‘is Apprentice, Sigmund Lindner);
Ingredients
- An Egg
- A bag o’ Sugar
- A pack o’ Butter
- A dose o’ Cream
- A bag o’ Flour
- A batch o’ Strawberries
Appliances
- A single bowl
- A beater
- An oven
Instructions
- Put the Sugar an’ Egg into the bowl, then whip that up into a sweetened yolk usin’ yer beater ta make the base fer the cake batter.
- Add the Flour an’ Butter ta the mix, then whip that up with yer beater again ta complete the makin’ o’ the cake batter.
- Put the cake batter into the oven, an’ let that rise fer ‘bout eighteen ta twenty minutes at three-’undred-an’-fifty degrees Fahrenheit or one-’undred-an’-seventy-five-ta-six degrees Celsius.
- Take the cake outta the oven, decorate it with Cream an’ Strawberries, an’ ye got yerself a lip-smackin’ good Süßigküchen!
Many thanks ta Chef Torte an’ ‘is Apprentice fer takin’ time outta their busy schedule ta ‘elp me writin’ this month’s Cookin’ Guide, an’ many thanks ta all o’ ye fer tunin’ in ta this month’s Cookin’ Guide as well, mateys! Now, if ye’ll excuse me, I gotta get home as quick as me crabby legs can carry me, ‘cause I’ve got a boat ta catch t’wards Rogueport fer business. Business not related ta cookin’, if ye catch me drift. See ye again in May if I clear up that business in me trademark swift manner!
Written by: Legend 8
Good news for AntiTech!
After the questionable tech company, founded by the infamous antilogician Pyrokles, had been sued for attempted mass hypnosis a few months ago, they are now officially back in business. Starting this week, all stores may once again legally sell their products. In celebration of these events, AntiTech announced their newest innovation earlier today: the AntiTech Irony Board!
Star Ratings
Written by: BigBoom1946
Hello everybody and welcome back to Star Ratings, the column where we travel to the stars and discuss what makes them great. Today, we are covering a subject that has gained some relevancy due to recent events. It is also a subject that I am very accustomed with. Today, we are talking about the JMC ship Red Dwarf!
History
The ship was made by the Jupiter Mining Corporation around the 22nd century. In case you are wondering how I know this, it's because the idents of the ship were broadcasted into our universe and found by me while trying to listen to BBC (Betelgeuse Broadcasting Corporation) Radio 2. The information was accompanied by a copy of the ship's AI, who upon waking up asked if I was something called a GELF and demanded to know where Kristine Kochanski was. After I explained to him that I was an Eloquentian and had no idea on the whereabouts of Kochanski, he asked if he could co-host the column with me. I agreed and from now on, the AI known as Holly shall be writing. I will be trying to figure out where the lentils are coming from.
Systems
Alright, give me a second. What's happening, dudes? I'm Holly, or at least a copy of him. Handsome devil that one. He's the glue that holds the ship together. IQ of over 6000 P.E teachers, and the face of the greatest lover to have ever lived. The actual ship contains a hologrammatic projection suite, an engine room, countless corridors and more. It's mainly staffed by humans and Scutters.
Shuttles
The ship's got a lot of shuttles, from the old Blue Midget, to Starbug, a near-indestructible vessel made of doll parts. This baby has been through hell and back with minimal damage. It runs on hydrogen thrusters, so no lightspeed for us. Alright, now I'm going to hand back control now, bye!
Conclusion
Help, there's a flood of lentils! Scrippy, open the airlock! That's all for this week, people, so stay tuned! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Written by: Boo1268
The Polluted History of Kremkroc Industries
Hello, readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. Spring is finally here folks! With the harshness of winter slowly thawing away as flowers begin to bloom, the crisp cool breeze complementing the warm sunny skies ahead, it's the season of change, the season of fun! But most importantly for us, it's the season of history to be uncovered! However, despite the warm fuzzy feelings felt all around this time of year, despair finds a way to creep in, for you see, about a week ago, the citizens of the Seaside Kingdom had reported that over 10,000 tons of trash had washed upon the shores of the peaceful seafaring kingdom, polluting the waters and endangering the local sea life. Thankfully the matter would soon be resolved over the next several days, with citizens from the Luncheon Kingdom and the Snow Kingdom volunteering to help with the clean up. After five to six grueling days of hard work, the clean up was finally finished. However, after reading about this event, I began to recall another location that had caused an immense amount of pollution problems in the past, more specifically one location featured on one of the more prominent locations among the seas, that being DK island and the once dangerous Kremkroc Industries. So join me as I recall to you the history of one of the Kremlings’ crowning achievements and how eventually, it was transformed from a tool of evil to a tool of good. So with that out of the way, let us begin, shall we?
| Discarded Trash | |
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Just one of the examples of the HORRID amount of trash and pollution that once littered Bubblaine, truly a GHASTLY example of how soulless some individuals are, and that is coming from a ghost, mind you! Don't litter folks! It's bad for the environment! |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know that it's theorized that with all the trash circulating in the water, that all of it could form a humongous patch of trash known as the Great Kingdom Garbage Patch (GKGP). However, this is just a theory and has yet to be confirmed. | |
Many years ago during the early to mid 1990s, Donkey Kong Island had been invaded by the ruthless Kremling Crew under the command of the once unknown King Krusha K Rool, in order to scavenge the land of its resources. Departing from their prominent flagship the Gangplank Galleon, the Kremlings would make their way across the island for many days and nights. First they would travel along the Sandy Beaches of the islands, recruiting some of the more hostile aquatic creatures to their cause, while also having to avoid a terrifying beast that lurked in the deeper parts of the islands waters. Eventually the Kremling Kutthroats made their way through the many Ruins and ancient structures in Vine Valley, with several Kremlings wanting to stay behind to reshape them in their own personal image. They continued to traverse the land, avoiding the carnivorous plants of the Forest, while also fighting against the shivering cold of Gorilla Glacier, till eventually they were able to traverse past the tar ridden Cliffside and reached the Monkey Marsh. It was at this moment that things had begun to be set in motion for the Kremlings, for as quickly as they had arrived, they began construction on the factory, having used the skeleton of a previously abandoned building located within the Marsh to construct their vile machinations. During this time, many other parts of the island were invaded and completely taken over by the Kremlings, having enforced their reign upon the island through their generals and armies, even going so far as to gather the sinister Manky Kong tribe to their cause, until ultimately one night deep in the heart of Kongo Jungle, DK’s Banana Horde would be stolen by the Kremling Krew, having trapped the young Diddy Kong who was placed to guard the horde. Having stolen the bananas for an unknown purpose, King K Rool dispersed all the piles of Bananas to his generals for the time being, until he could eventually return to retrieve them all, having left the island to personally transport the first batch of Bananas that had been stolen.
| Kremkroc Industries, Inc. | |
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Once considered by the Kremlings to be their crowning achievement, it was a factory that produced many things they needed or wanted, from their personal armor worn by their soldiers, to hovering elevators used to collect raw materials, such as gold, metal, and copper, to even aiding in the creation of one of the king’s mighty generals. Kremkroc Inc. was a major factor in the Kremlings' grasp over DK Island. |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know that this factory was just one of many the Kremlings had created over the years? With each island they visit another would be constructed! However after K Rool's disappearance many fell into disrepair. | |
During this time, production had begun at Kremkroc Industries with the creation of many of their vile machinations being set into motion, after completely stripping the land of its natural greenery, having used it in the construction of both their buildings and pirate ships, the factory spewed out not only mechanical creations both big and small, such as the Robokremlings and black drums, which could spew out minions on the dime, it was also responsible for the creation of Hovervators used to collect resources from the mines located underneath the factory. However, what these resources were being taken for and why they were processed is a discussion for another time. Alongside this, they would also be responsible in creating a container for the mysterious Electroids to be used as security in the factory, however they were never fully used to their potential. But their BIGGEST achievement was in the creation of one of their generals, a MUCH bigger version of the standard Black Drum known as Dumb Drum. However, this would quickly begin the history of the Kremlings creating technology that overtime, would sway from their control, with Dumb Drum having taken command over the factory and its workers, causing them to work nonstop, not even allowing for daily maintenance of the factory and its machines, leading to difficulties with the building and its wiring, with the occasional blackout causing safety concerns within the factory walls. However, many of the Kremlings were either too exhausted, too tired, or too scared to care about these problems, fearful of what Dumb Drum would do to them if they ever stopped working. But going back a bit, while also providing them with a slew of tools and machines for them to use, the factory also produced a large amount of smog, and pollution in the surrounding area, causing the once lush waters of the marsh to be transformed into a polluted poisonous pound, with the only creatures being able to survive in the toxic waters being piranhas, sharks, and poisonous squids. But even then all of them were in low quantity, with the toxic waters having completely killed off the Croctopuses that lived in the waters of the marsh. Alongside this, the pond was also a prominent garbage dump for all the Kremlings’ trash which they did not want or need, from Balloons to Barrels, to even tires! The pond was a dumping ground for the factory and a representation of the corruption the Kremlings had over the wildlife of DK Island.
| Mincers | |
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Spiked tires that once laced the toxic pond surrounding Kremkroc Inc., very much a hazard to anyone who dared to swim in the lake. However, their appearances had all but dried up ever since the lake had fully been drained. |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know that despite the Croctopuses being completely eradicated from the lake, the mincers essentially served as their replacement? Strange, isn't it? | |
However, after Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong had not only defeated King K Rool and his generals, but also drove out all the Kremlings from DK Island twice, the factory quickly fell into disrepair (as if it wasn't in disrepair already). For many years the factory would remain untouched by any hands, both Kong and Kremling, until one day, someone new would take over the factory for a more noble purpose, his name was Pluck. Pluck was a young aspiring chicken who graduated from Wrinkly Kong’s Kong college with a degree in technical engineering & science, eventually gaining the title of colonel after serving as a “Colonel” in the college's lead engineering team. After the college was closed once Wrinkly retired, Colonel Pluck decided to keep his unofficial title of colonel and moved onto bigger things. After trying and failing to implement his technological ideas to other residents of DK Island, Colonel Pluck wandered the jungles, swamps, and forests for many days, until finally he came across the abandoned Kremkroc Inc. Quickly making himself at home, Pluck began to rebuild and revamp the Factory into something bigger and better than before, using it as his own personal technological playground to invent immaculate machines of his own design! Some of these machines were the Pogobots, made to help in the construction of buildings by drilling holes through metal and other materials, the Pyrobot, a robot made to help weld steel together, the Sawbots to cut steel sheets and wood, even creating the Robobees to help with pollination of flowers due to the lack of Zingers located on the island. It also didn't help that both DK and Diddy killed both of the Zingers’ monarchs and as such were much less likely to help the island’s flora flourish as a result. Pluck was even able to solve the once prominent problem of the smog and poisonous waters that once laced the land! Finding a way to artificially drain the water from the poisonous pond safely, while also constructing giant fans to blow the smog created by both the Kremlings in the past and by his machines. Alongside all these helpful inventions, Pluck created a slew of machines to stretch his creativity, from constructing machines to solely make music, to his own personal assistant known as the BuckBots crafted in his image, even taking the time to construct a ROCKET SHIP should he ever need one. Alongside all of this, Colonel Pluck would experiment with different types of robotics in order to create what he called his masterpiece. Eventually after several weeks of blood, sweat, tears, grease, and help from his loyal Buckbots, Colonel Pluck's crowning achievement would finally be formed, with this he would craft his Stompybot 3000, a MASSIVE chicken-like machine that could be used to traverse almost ANY terrain! With this device he could travel the WORLD and share his inventions for all to see!
| Colonel Pluck | |
|---|---|
|
A brilliant inventor who was forced to work for the Tiki Tak Tribe against his own will, helping them in the creation of more soldiers for their tribe, however ever since his Stompybot 3000 was destroyed in his battle with DK no one’s heard from him since. |
| Fun Fact!: Many people seem to have mistaken Pluck for Feathers McGraw and vice versa, although they DO look rather similar. | |
However this would NOT be the case, for you see, sometime after Pluck had finished construction of his Stompybot 3000, the Tiki Tak Tribe would invade DK Island, hypnotizing most of the island’s residents into collecting bananas for their boss Tiki Tong. Colonel Pluck was one of these unfortunate few to be hypnotized, being forced to use his assembly line normally used to make his machines into a Tiki production line. Now under the control of Cordian, Colonel Pluck crafted several security measures in order to make sure that no one would disturb the Tikis’ production, from crafting an explosive fire breathing variant of the BuckBots known as the BuckBombs, to finally utilizing the containers for the Electroids the Kremlings had made and left behind so long ago. However, during this possession, Cordian was so focused on making Tikis that he neglected the factory as a result, causing the plug to the mega fans meant to blow the smog away to not only be malfunctioning but unplugged by proxy, causing the rest of the factory to be shrouded in a cloud of smog. As such, history had repeated itself once again, with the Kongs once again saving their island, reclaiming the Bananas and causing the once prominent factory to shut its doors once more. Alongside this, Colonel Pluck, after having realized that his greatest invention was nothing more than scrap metal, decided to close the factory permanently. But things would only get worse for the humble factory, for several years later, the villainous tribe known as the Snowmads would invade DK Island, covering the entire place with snow and ice. After years of abandonment, the factory had begun to decay and be demolished by the sands of time, with the frost and snow adding salt to the wound, with much of the factory's machinery being frosted over or broken due to erosion and rust. The only mechanisms that continued to work after all this time were the Electrode powered devices located within the factory’s walls. The Snowmads would even utilize some of the factory's objects for their own nefarious purposes, rehashing some of the abandoned tech in their image.
| The Ferndozer | |
|---|---|
|
A monstrous mechanical machine representing a barrel that was originally designed by Colonel Pluck, it was originally used to help aid in the expansion of the factory by cutting down trees and moving rocks. However, only one was ever made, and all that exists of it now is this blueprint. |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know that the main barrel body of the Ferndozer was actually a repurposed Giant Barrel found in some old barn in Lake Orangatanga? How convenient, right? | |
Over the years it would seem as if the innovative ideas and machines once created by Pluck would never be truly used to their full potential. However, over the next few years after the Snowmads’ invasion and subsequent removal from DK Island, many of the island’s residents would take notice of the advanced machinery located within the factory. Eventually many residents of DK Island would incorporate the machines into their daily lives, albeit on a much smaller scale. Even some of the designs of Colonel Pluck's ship would be utilized by the DK Boosters space program! As such, despite everything that had occurred beforehand, in spite of all the tragedy, Colonel Pluck's dream of using technology to help nature would be realized, all it took was a community working together through friendship to help realize that dream. And so, something that was once used to harm the environment was now being used to help it. So remember dear readers, ideas are meant to be shared, so don't be afraid to chase your ideas and create what you so wish, remember that any problem, be it big or small, can be solved through good old collaboration, and by working together, we can achieve many great things to help not only our lives but our environment, and that anything harmful can be reshaped into something helpful, so let's work together to protect and save our home! The environment needs your help. And so, with that, our story ends. I really hope you all enjoyed this edition of The Spectral Lens! It was quite a struggle to get done, but even still I hope you all enjoy it! If you have any suggestions for what I should look into next time, make sure to check out my official forum page. I'm always willing to sort through any requests you have so don't be afraid to give me suggestions. And with that I say: Merci, au revoir.
The Ghostly Dossier
Hi everyone! My name is Goldoo and welcome back to The Ghostly Dossier! In my last issue I talked about the Podoboo. This issue I wanted to play into the Mar10 day theme by talking about the elusive legend of Boo Mario!
The Journey
Now I know that it’s not super professional of me to be playing into folk tales here, but for a while many people also believed ghosts to be just stories, so this isn’t all too far-fetched! First discovered by Toad explorers in Ghostly Galaxy, not much is known about this mysterious Boo… but I am determined to find out more!
But uhh… I can’t really get there without some sort of ship… so I had two options:
- Get a ride from someone with a ship
- Or build one of my own
Considering that I lack engineering skills in every sense of the word, I needed to find someone who owns a ship… luckily, my dear friend Sparks was able to give me a ride!
When I finally got to Ghostly Galaxy I’ll admit I was pretty terrified… but I had to keep it together if I wanted to catch this ghoul!
The Catch
As I walked down the pathway leading to the mansion I felt a deep shiver run down my spine… sure the mansion was spooky in and of itself, but the void of space looming all around me gave a new type of terror I've never felt before…
It was difficult dealing with all the Boos and Jack O'Goombas, but eventually I reached the room where it was said to be found. And lo and behold… IT WAS THERE!!
The Boo seemed rather shocked to see me, and it was quite difficult to catch it! It made a lot of sharp movements but I caught it, and now I can finally reveal to the world that it is real!
The Analysis
Spectral Mass: 4W
This Boo is unlike any Boo I've ever seen before! Besides obviously sporting that fancy red cap, it also has a completely different face that perfectly resembles the actual Mario!
Perhaps this Boo is a big fan of Mario and is able to shapeshift its face to resemble him more? If so this could be a massive breakthrough in Boology-
???- Hey! Lemme outta here!!
G- What the? Who’s in here???
???- It’s-a me!! Get me outta here!
The sound seemed to be coming from my Poltergust… I carefully looked inside and found… Mario??
G- M-M-Mario!? How did you get inside my Poltergust!?
M- You captured me!
G- O-oh! Shoot! Lemme get you out of here!
I pried open the emergency hatch (which was actually designed for this exact scenario. You’d be surprised by how many times someone got mistakenly trapped in a Poltergust) and let him out. Mario was actually surprisingly chill and understanding about the whole situation! And we had a nice chat before eventually he had to go. And then I let out an excited squeal after he left.
End
Well that about concludes this month’s analysis! Too bad it turned out this ghost wasn’t actually real… but maybe next time I’ll find a real legend!
Written by: Letter Kong
Wel-Kong back, my fellow pack members. I am your pack leader, Letter Kong, ready to resume our year-long Diddy Kong Redemption movement, dedicated to seeking justice for our scorned spidermonkey sidekick, Diddy Kong, after Nintendo began phasing him out of the role of Donkey Kong’s sidekick as well as his role as a playable character in Mario spin-off titles. Today, I am here to talk about a tip-off I got from one of my parrot friends about Diddy Kong having partnered up with Primate Oriental Records, as well as a handful of his closest associates such as Dixie Kong, Banjo the Honeybear, Conker the Squirrel, Timber the Tiger and Bumper the Badger to form the hiphop group Mammalz With Attitudes, or M.W.A. for short. Said tip-off also resulted in me being able to get my hands on the tracklist for the newly formed group’s debut album, Straight Outta Kongo. Let’s have a look.
Straight Outta Kongo
Artist: Mammalz With Attitudes (M.W.A.)
Music Genre: West-Coast hiphop
Date of Release: April 25, 2026
Track Listing
- Straight Outta Kongo
- F**k tha Pianta Police
- Gnawty Gnawties
- If It Ain’t Rool
- Grandparental Discretion Iz Advised
- Kong-thing Like That
- Expresso Yourself
- I Ain’t Tha Kong
- Quiet on tha Ship
- Kong-thing 2 Dance 2
Album Cover
The album cover, made by Claw Gripstofferson, features, from left to right, Diddy Kong, Dixie Kong, Banjo the Honeybear, Timber the Tiger, Bumper the Badger and Conker the Squirrel staring down at the camera as Conker the Squirrel points a gun towards it. Timber the Tiger and Conker the Squirrel have expressed their distaste for the cover due to their rather crudely drawn appearances on it, but Primate Oriental Records have insisted on keeping this as the definitive album cover for the Straight Outta Kongo album, stating that it defines the values that M.W.A. stands for as well as the group as a whole.
As of right now, no audio files containing the tracks on the album have been released, so until the album releases in April, we will be unable to get an idea of the newly formed M.W.A.’s musical masterpieces. Nevertheless, if you wish to support Diddy Kong and his friends in their musical venture, I highly recommend buying a physical copy of the Straight Outta Kongo album from records, or buying a digital copy from iceTunes once it comes out through both options. This is pretty much all the time we have for today’s Diddy Kong-related news, so I’m going to have to sign off for the time being. But do not fret, my friends, for I, Letter Kong, will be back next month to continue the Diddy Kong Redemption movement, and will continue to do so until the year 2026 meets its Kong-clusion.
Written by: Batz
Viewers LOVE MKTV's Newest Hit Show! But Industry Insiders Have Mixed Reception.
Getting tired of watching the same old shows on the same old channels? Tired of the lack of classic family fun entertainment in our fast paced world of today? Well don't touch that dial folks! 'Cause MKTV's newest hit show Mr. (Ant) Tenna's TV Time!!! is here, providing you with classic staples of TV! From cooking shows to gameshows, quiz shows to weather channels, even live interviews! Mr. Ant Tenna's TV Time has recently inspired and entertained audiences both new and old! With many audiences even claiming that the show's popularity stems from a mixture of nostalgia and pure unadulterated fun, and that this is how it should be when it comes to TV shows with such versatility.
The show originally began as a small independent segment known as Mr. Tenna's Marvelous Mystery Board, with its premise being similar to that of Jeopardy, Family Feud, or The Price is Right, before eventually gaining enough traction to be noticed by the MKTV, the Mushroom Kingdom's number one hit sports, news, and weather channel, even being proud supporters of TV Tomorrow. As such, the MKTV was shocked at how many ideas were under the hood of this simple TV host and his cast and crew. With a bigger budget than what the show originally had, many new ideas and concepts could be enacted upon by the creative team. The show quickly rose in popularity, featuring even more segments than what the show originally started out with. Truly, TV Time has become MKTV's biggest success!
When asked about his show's sudden rise to popularity, Mr. Ant Tenna had quite a few things to say about the whole thing:
"Firstly, I'm very glad to have been presented this opportunity by MKTV, it isn't easy nowadays getting a show off the ground, or even approved for that matter! Even more so since we started out with such a low budget beforehand! But I gotta give props to my crew. They REALLY know how to put in the grunt work when it matters! Especially MIKE! But mainly, I am just happy to be entertaining audiences again! It's what I live for! Plus, not only has our production quality increased, so have our programs! Now we have NEO shows, NEO programs! Everything new and improved for people to watch! But somehow it's still the same all the while! So thanks to all our fans for watching our channel! Now say it with me folks…IT'S T V TIME!"
Alongside this, interviewers decided to ask some of Tenna's cast and crew what they think of the new changes, and results have been mixed to say the least.
"Honestly, the quality of the show has always been up and down, ya know? But we's don't mind, us Zappers all gots to do our jobs, an' if that means a better pay raise, ain't nothin to complain about." - Zapper
"Ol' Tenna seems much more happy now that he's got more a budget to work with luv. He's finally able to put his 'grand vision' into motion, an' while I'm not gonna agree with all the changes he's made luv, as long as the viewers are happy an' have the freedom to watch what they want, that's fine by me luv." - Ramb
"Am I happy that Tenna's happy? Yes, am I happy that we three might be gettin' a better pay raise? Yes, am I happy that now we all have to do MORE work just to keep this show runnin' from behind the scenes while we all still try to figure out WHO THE HECK THE REAL MIKE IS!? No, not in the slightest! And what's even more confusing is that Tenna says he had Mike's help sealing the deal with the MKTV executives, BUT NONE OF US MIKES WERE THERE! At least I don't think any of us were. So does that mean Mike is REAL? Did Tenna just do the deal himself? I mean, he did ask me about it but I was never in the meeting! Was it Jongler? Was it Pluey? Did the real Mike go home after the meeting and so that's why he wasn't with Tenna when he came back? WHO IS MIKE!?" - Green Pippins (Motor Mouth Mike)
"*Bubble* *Booble* / 🎵!" - Shadow Guy & Water Cooler?
However, despite the popular reception of the show, many MKTV critics and fans had some criticism regarding the show.
"The show is entertaining, but it's not boundary-pushing. If you ask me, it's playing it too safe by appealing to nostalgia." - Flint Cragley
"Neeeerr, what a waste of airtime. There's no storyline. It's nothing next to episode XLXIII of The Grodus Chronicles, with its deep allegory for the hollowness of pursuing fame and its stunning commentary on the newly found system of government that corrupts the mind of the innocent, stuffing them into incoherent boxes based on identity, forcing change in gender and all other facsimiles of life, how Commander Garbin, despite trying to fix his government, is in fact being hindered by the people within his political party twisting and warping his words to make him seem villainous when in fact it's really his own government working against him preventing him from improving his society in the year MMCLXII. Neeeeerrr, it's real hi-technical stuff." - Francis
"I gotta sssay, it ain't every day you have someone pitch a sssssshow like thissss. Having itsss ssssimplicity be the concept behind it remindsss me of the dayssss me and Q*bert would rehearssse linesss for the Ssssaturday Sssupercade, jeezzzzz I misssss thosssse daysssss. But for assss much assss I would like to ssssuport their concept, you can't pitch a sssshow on nossstalgia alone. Trussst me, I've tried." - Coily
Alongside these critic comments, there was one other TV individual who was not particularly happy about the appearance of this show and had a few things to say about it:
"SAY, DOESN'T THIS GUY LOOK A LITTLE FAMILIAR? IT'S NOT A BIG SURPRISE, REALLY! WHEREVER YOU FIND BIG SUCCESS AND BIG RATINGS, THERE'S ALWAYS TALENTLESS POSERS NOT FAR BEHIND TRYING TO STEAL THE SPOTLIGHT! THIS TENNA GUY IS CLEARLY NOTHING MORE THAN A FLASH IN THE PAN, AND REALLY, IT JUST SPEAKS TO HOW LOW MKTV'S STANDARDS ARE THESE DAYS - OR MAYBE HOW DESPERATE THEY ARE FOR PROGRAMMING! I SAY WHEEL THIS HACK OUT OF HERE AND GET SOME REAL STARS, BABY!" - Teller Vision
However, despite these mixed opinions from viewers and critics, it's clear to many that the show isn't going anywhere anytime soon, with the popularity of the program easily putting MKTV above the rest when it comes to quality and entertainment. It is unknown, however, if the show will continue to have mixed opinions in the months to come. The 'Shroom will continue to keep readers informed on the situation as it develops further.
Written by: Legend 8
The Sorcery Show
Episode 27: Game Night, Part 1
It is a beautiful, peaceful and calm day in the Mushroom Kingd-
Kroop: Absolutely not!
Pyro: Most definitely yes!
Kroop: NEVER! As long as I'm alive, you won't get away with this!
Pyro: Oh yes I will!! And also, you're undead, you genius.
Kroop: Well who cares?! Also, you-
WILL YOU STOP IT ALREADY?! What the hell are you even arguing about?
Both: THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!
The Explainer sighs in frustration. While Pyro and Kroop continue arguing, he turns to the audience.
Damn, these two are really insufferable sometimes! Well, uh, ladies and gentlemen... I suppose you should go home now. I'm sorry for the inconveniences - thank you for attending today's Sorcery Show.
Angry and disappointed, the people sitting in Pyro's stone amphitheatre stand up and begin to leave.
Kroop: Well then why don't you just admit that I'm right??
Pyro: Because you're not! It's all your fault!!
Kroop: WHAT?! You're the one who started this argument!
Pyro: Yeah, and you're the one who's keeping me from winning it!
Sighing again, the Explainer leaves his arguing friends behind and makes his way back towards the castle.
Oh come on! There's gotta be some way to make them cooperate...
As night begins to fall, the Explainer is restlessly floating around the corridors, browsing his endless internal database of knowledge and explanations. Pyro and Kroop's shouts still echo through the castle.
Kroop: YES!
Pyro: NO!
Ugh, they're so loud! I can barely- wait. What's this? Okay... Huh. This might actually be worth a try!
It seems like the Explainer has an idea... The next morning. Pyro comes into the kitchen, still wearing his pyjamas, and sits down at the table that hangs from the ceiling. On the other side of the table, the Explainer floats next to a pile of heavy, mysterious books.
Good morning, Pyro! Did you sleep well?
Pyro: Why is there no breakfast yet? I'm starving!
I prepared something else instead! I'm sure you'll love it.
Kroop bursts into the room.
Kroop: Oh, I'm so damn hungry!
Pyro: He didn't make any breakfast...
Kroop: Aw, come on...
Pyro: Yeah, he said he prepared something else instead. And that we're gonna love it...
Kroop: Love it more than breakfast? Well I'm not convinced.
Hey, it's gonna be fun! Besides, it might help against your stupid arguing.
Kroop: But we aren't even arguing anymore?
Pyro: Yes we are! Don't think I have forgotten about what you did!!
Kroop: What I did??
ENOUGH! All I'm asking for is that we try out my idea without starting another world war!! That's not too much to ask of you, is it??
Pyro: Well, it depends on what your plans are...
Kroop: Yeah! Just tell us already!
Fine. We're going to play a game.
Pyro: Ooh, games are fun!
Kroop: Ugh, games with Pyro are not fun...
Pyro: What kind of game?
Today, we're trying a roleplaying game! You use dice and your imagination to destroy the forces of evil!
Pyro: Can I be the forces of evil?
Kroop: Can I destroy Pyro instead?
Pyro: Hah, you can certainly try!!
No! That's not how it works! In this game you have to cooperate!
Both: With HIM?!
Wow, this is going even worse than expected... But we're doing character creation first anyways. What kind of character do you want to play?
Kroop: That's easy. I want to beat people up! Especially this guy right next to me.
Pyro: Well, your intelligence would definitely fit for a BARBARIAN!
Kroop: As long as I'm still smarter than YOU!
Guys, stop it! Pyro, what do you want to play?
Pyro: Can I play as myself?
Sure, if you want to. Then that would be a... uh... a wild magic sorcerer, probably?
Pyro: Magic? Me?? Never!
Kroop: Now what options do I have for beating up people?
Here, take a look at the book. There's a list on page... wait a sec...
Kroop: ...
Oh right, you don't have hands to turn the pages. Fine. So. First there's the barbarian, then the fighter, the paladin...
Kroop: What does a paladin do?
Let me explain! A paladin is a warrior who fights for justice, bound by a divine oath. They...
Kroop: No, I meant what they actually DO.
Uh, they're pretty tanky, they smite their enemies...
Kroop: Oh yeah, that's me!
Pyro: Uh, Explainer, what do I put into this box that says "character level"?
We're starting at level one, so just note down "1" for now.
Pyro: Whoops. I already wrote something else.
...what did you write?
Pyro: Uhhh... an eight?
That's... unexpectedly rational. But still way too much.
Kroop: Pyro, you're holding the sheet sideways.
Pyro: Oh haha, now that you mention it... Guess I'll be level infinity then!
The Explainer hands Pyro a new sheet, a pencil and an eraser.
Pyro: Damn it.
Kroop: The book says I can have vengeance powers. Can I have vengeance powers?
Uh, I guess, but for what do you want vengeance?
Kroop: Pyro knows what he did.
Pyro: Huh? What did I do?
Kroop: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!! And I will hunt you down for it and be a cool paladin and smite you into oblivion!!!
Pyro: Oh yeah?? Explainer, give me the strongest class in the game! Then we'll see if you still dare to smite me!
Uh, there's no absolute strongest class... But wizards are pretty strong! And druids... and, uh... essentially all the spellcasters?
Pyro: Yeah, that's what I'm playing! All the spellcasters!
Could you please just stick to wild magic sorcerer? It's the best fit for you!
Pyro: But it has magic!
Kroop: Yeah, SURPRISE, that's what casters are about!
Pyro: Well I'm a spellcaster but I most definitely don't use magic!
Kroop: Then please explain to me why our section is literally called "The Sorcery Show"!
Pyro: I never said I'm not a sorcerer! I just said that it ain't magic!
So then you're okay with sorcerer?
Pyro: Can I reflavour it to not be magic?
Fine, I guess?
Pyro: And can sorcerers blow stuff up?
Yup, that's what sorcerers do!
Pyro: Oh yay! Then I'm playing a sorcerer. An almighty caster with POWERS BEYOND MORTAL COMPREHENSION!! Not a dumb paladin like Kroop.
Kroop: Hey!!
Just to remind you, we're starting at level one...
Kroop: Uh, Explainer? What's an "alignment"?
That's where you note how your character morally behaves. There's lawful good, or true neutral, or chaotic-
Pyro: Can I be True Chaotic?
...I suppose I won't be able to keep you from doing it?
Pyro: Correct!
Kroop: By the way, what are you playing as?
Oh, me? I'm the dungeon master.
Pyro: That's not fair! Can I be a dungeon master too?
No.
A few hours later, they're finally done and the Explainer begins the game.
So, your characters enter a dark, smelly dungeon. What do you do?
Kroop: KROOPUS THE DESTROYER runs over to Pyro and smites him!
Please don't do that.
Kroop: I'm doing it though! It's time for my VENGEANCE! What do I have to roll?
Pyro: Nothing, cause you can't! Haha, you having no hands is always so funny!!
Kroop: Can I smite him twice?
You can't smite him at all, it's supposed to be cooperative!
Pyro: I cast black hole.
Uh, no. You don't have black hole yet.
Pyro: What?! Of course I have black hole! Look at this!
Pyro snaps his fingers and a miniature black hole appears, sucking in the table, books and sheets.
Pyro: See?
Kroop: Oh man! I was THIS close to finally getting my vengeance!
The Explainer facepalms.
Pyro: So, what happens next?
Nothing! You just ended our game!
Kroop: Told you playing with Pyro isn't fun!
Pyro: Huh. This game is boring. I have some first-hand experience from medieval times, and let me tell you, reality was NEVER this boring!
Well it would have been a lot more interesting if you had cooperated instead of atomizing the sheets before you even made a single dice roll!
Pyro: I still think that the fabulous idea I just had is a lot better than yours!
Kroop: And what is this oh-so-fabulous idea you just had?
Pyro snaps his fingers again and the table, books and sheets reappear. Then, he raises his arms as one of the books starts to glow and rapidly enlarge.
Kroop: What are you doing?!
Wait, so we could have just continued the game anytime?!!!!
The book opens up, growing larger and larger until its pages surround all three of them. Then, it slams shut, and disappears in a flash of light. Everything goes black. Time and space whirl around as they are sucked through a void, past swirling runic writing, and into more darkness. Then, the darkness finally fades, and their eyes fly open. It's still dark, but a little more ominously so.
Pyro: Did it work? Did it work?
Kroop: What did you just do!?
Pyro conjures a small flame hovering above his hand, illuminating their pitch-black surroundings: a dark, smelly dungeon.
Kroop: Oh.
Pyro: YES!!
Kroop: Wait a second. I feel kinda strange. Pyro, gimme some light!
Pyro shines some light where Kroop's voice seems to be coming from - and jumps back in surprise as he sees a very buff, heavily armoured skeletal body bearing his friend's flaming skull!
Kroop: DAMN. I- I have actual arms! I haven't had arms in a few millennia!
Pyro: Wow. Looks like you really do! Although I wonder, what might have gone wrong with the spell?
Kroop: Wait. I just realized something. I think I'm HIM! I'm KROOPUS THE DESTROYER!!
Pyro: Oh no. That doesn't mean what I think it does, does it?
Kroop: What?
Pyro: Please please please don't be a level one spellcaster unable to cast black hole... Pleasseeee... I... Cast... Black hole!!...
Nothing happens.
Kroop: Oh wow, nothing's happening... You having no spells is always so funny!!
Pyro: AWW NOOOOOO!! I should have kept the sideways 8!
Kroop: So not only did you teleport us into a dark, smelly dungeon, but you also turned us into our characters?
Pyro: THAT was purely accidental!
Kroop: I mean, overall it was a pretty stupid idea, and now we're stuck here… but I HAVE ARMS!!
Pyro: But now I have NOTHING!! I'm just myself but WORSE!!
Kroop: So wait, I could actually just smite you now and you wouldn't be able to fight back?
Pyro: Don't you dare! By the way… we're in the game's world now, right?
Kroop: Apparently, yes.
Pyro: So, since we already were in a game world beforehand, now that means we're inside a game inside a game!
Kroop: Urgh, I hate it when you and the Explainer say absurd stuff like that. Just shut up.
Pyro: Fine… But, uh, Kroop? Now that you mention him… have you seen the Explainer?
TO BE CONTINUED…
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
Ingot Isle: Hole-y Moly
Hey all, Cosmo here. Have you ever fallen down a hole? Cause I have. And it was a deep one, too. Hang on, I'm getting ahead of myself. So, two months ago, I said I would visit Ingot Isle. However, on my way there I died, but luckily I got better. Anyway, it wasn't too far to get to Ingot Isle from there. I logically headed straight to the capital, Baboomtown, but when I arrived, it was...uh...gone. In its place was a big hole.
I was so shocked I carefully climbed down into the hole by accident. It wasn't long until I discovered where Baboomtown went. It had somehow fallen into the hole? I didn't understand, but a helpful prospector monkey explained the situation.
Apparently, a while back, a giant dirt machine piledrove the town into the ground, creating the hole and triggering a series of sinkholes to open, leading to many areas of an underground world becoming accessible. Obviously, when I heard this, I gasped in shock. Many locations? Perfect for a travel guide! So, I sensibly headed down the nearest sinkhole, not thinking about how I would get back to the surface...
Ingot Isle Cave In
The current resting place of Baboomtown, a town built around a large stone, filled with neon lights, girders and stores. From the casino Poker Chimps, to the mining supplies store, you can irresponsibly lose all your money and have fun doing it. There's gold all over this place though, which I find weird because aren't the monkeys here miners? Why don't they collect all this free gold? Oh well, more for me! I grabbed quite a bit, so ideally even if I spend a little on my way down, I'll have plenty left over so I can retire early.
Lagoon Layer
A whole bunch of scrappy monkeys live here, fishing with magnets to collect metal and banandium gems. It's a pretty peaceful place, lots of nice views and places to take a dip. There's also a giant old monkey DJ who lives here as well, you know, the standard stuff. Apparently they're one of the five elders who live throughout the underground world, making tunes and entertaining people. Unfortunately, he was asleep while I passed through, but with four other elders waiting to be found, I'm sure I'll have a chance to hear some epic elder songs. A nice shop was set up near the sinkhole, and I just had to support a local business, so I spent a bit of my gold, but that's all. I'm sure this won't happen again.
Hilltop Layer
A relatively empty landscape of hills (obviously) and rock formations, which look oddly familiar. Are they...No, could it be? They're shaped just like...like...ROCKS! OH MY GOODNESS yeah I don't know what they look like. Anyway, there's a quaint little Fractone village here, which is a nice place to explore for a bit. Oh, I should mention, Fractones are rock creatures who come from the Planet Core. They love music and can reform no matter how much they've been destroyed. Uh, don't ask how I found that out...Um, by the way, I may have lost a bit more gold...but it's fine, the souvenir was really cool.
Canyon Layer
Oh yeah, factories that severely harm the natural environment but make money! As a CEO, I think I'm supposed to say that, or something. Anyway, the Banandium Refinery is located here, producing energy from banandium gems that is supplied to the rest of the Underground World. Mysterious creatures known only as "Giraffes" built it a long time ago, but then migrated to the surface, leaving the refinery in the care of the Fractones. Who are doing a pretty bang-up job taking care of it, I'd say, except for the time they let it get taken over by an evil mixer machine. You can also purchase wares from the various shops in the layer to support the refinery's growth, which made me feel kinda good about my reckless spending.
The Divide
Ancient Fractone ruins, filled with a mysterious substance called Switcheroo Goo, as well as two paths to two different layers too. Was that too many twos, or should I say toos? Well now I've confused myself...Anyway, there's not much to do here, it's basically the gas station of the Underground World. Though the goo is fun to play around with! There was no store, so I had to throw my money into the abyss, which gave me basically the same experience.
Freezer Layer
Can you guess the climate of this layer? If you guessed warm, get out of my travel guide. This is, without a doubt, the best place to buy frozen treats in the whole (pun not intended) of the Underground World. Too bad it's stuck in an eternal winter. Oh, but there was another elder here! I was told by a local Zebra that the concerts the elders put on are called Bananzas, and they can transform you into horrific hybrids of yourself and other animals. That sounds like something I'd like to get in on, but the Zebra Elder was away, so I missed out again. Oh well, there's always next time...Right? Oh yeah, the icy treats were on sale so I bought out their stock. Why? I dunno.
Forest Layer
Picture this. A luxurious hotel, nestled amongst nature in the heart of a picturesque landscape. Sounds great, right? And it is, except for, you know, the thorns that spring out of the ground wherever you go, the people breaking into your room to find a banandium gem, and the giant poison sea of death surrounding it. Yeah, this place is juuuust peachy. Plus, I missed another elder! Now I'll never transform into a half-cat, half-ostrich creature. Actually that sounds rather unpleasant. Luckily, everything is overpriced here, so I was able to waste more gold. Wait, wasn't I trying to save it? I can't remember.
The Junction
The paths from the Freezer and Forest Layer meet here. Again, it's an ancient Fractone ruin, blah blah blah. The clouds here are quite pretty, there's a really ugly bridge... Yeah, there's not really anything to do here. Just stare at the clouds... beautiful clouds...clouds...This sucks, I want to go home. Unfortunately, that's not an option, so I guess I'll go further down. Also, insert obligatory money spending sentence here.
Resort Layer
This is, finally, a really nice place! It's an archipelago of sorts, with peaceful beach islands, giant fruit and an ore that makes you fly! Really great if you like fruit, but you might want to avoid it if you don't. There apparently used to be a huge watermelon here, like really huge, but it was destroyed by an "evil ape and his thirteen-year-old accomplice". I feel like there's a story there. Anyway, eating the fruit and drinking the floating bubbles of juice is free, but don't worry, cause the souvenirs are costly.
Tempest Layer
A sometimes sunny, often stormy place inhabited by giant elephants. I haven't seen one of those since the Flower Kingdom. They've carved out a few refuges in the cliffside, which are kept warm thanks to boiling hot lava. Seems safe enough. There's a legendary hot spring here, which I totally tried out and didn't just avoid because it involved water. There was also SUPPOSED to be an elder here as well, but apparently they were off doing a forecast? I didn't know elephants were weather reporters! Maybe we should hire them...Anyhoo, I was so mad that I missed another elder that I bought out the store's entire stock. That'll show em!
Landfill Layer
This layer is garbage. Completely trash. Literally! A whole bunch of eels live here, who can allegedly teleport you as long as you jump in their mouth. No way, I've fallen for that before, I won't fall for it again. Anyway, I had to dig quite a lot to get to the fun part of this layer, which is a huge downside. If you manage to dig all the way to the bottom, you'll reach Trashtown, a town made out of...Guess. Unsurprisingly, it stinks down here, literally and figuratively. Boring, filthy, and the prices are dirt-cheap. I had to buy the same thing over and over again just to waste a sufficient amount of gold.
Racing Layer
Providing thrilling entertainment to the rest of the Underground World, the Racing Layer is the home of Rambi Rumble, one of the only racing experiences where you ride a rhinoceros! The last time I saw a race this unique was the Bound Bowl! You can have a race if you want, as long as you fit extremely specific guidelines that pretty much only monkeys meet. Well, monkeys and me. Yeah, I raced in this thing. I totally won, don't watch the replay please. It did cost me a pretty penny to sign up, luckily, which saved me from having to hurl my money into the void again.
Radiance Layer
Snake? Snake?! SNAAAAAAAAKE! Sorry, I had to. So, the Radiance Layer is filled with artisans, creating sculptures and artwork. Mainly, however, they make Synthetic Suns, ingenious inventions that provide the light of the other layers. There is an elder here usually, but of course they were gone, so now I'll never get to see a Bananza. Eh, who really cares, the joke was getting old anyway. The architecture here is stunning, carefully crafted out of the finest materials. Of course, quality craftsmanship means high prices, woo hoo!
Groove Layer
A giant dance hall (and jail, for some reason) built by the Fractones. Huge disco balls abound, and the occasional performance by the Groovetones is not to be missed. There's a VIP lounge, which they didn't let me in, a museum, which they didn't let me in, and a few jail cells, which they DID let me in. Well, forced really. Come on, all I did was knock the disco ball onto the speakers, blowing both of them up. We've all done it. Fortunately, they freed me after I paid for the damages. After all, it's not like I'm running low on cash or anything. Though my gold supply IS looking a little pathetic. I wonder why?
Feast Layer
An amusement park? Sounds fun! Made out of food? Uh, unique, but intriguing! Made out of fast food, to be exact? Okay, that's kinda specific. Well, it exists! Welcome to the Feast Layer, where there is too much salt and no pepper to speak of. There's quite a few rides, including a rollercoaster, but the highlight is the food. Banana burgers are the specialty here, burgers with bananas kneaded into the bun. Why? I like banana bread, but not that much. Also, sometimes (very often) they run out of normal size burgers, and get you to hit five burger buttons to call down a burger taller than a skyscraper from the heavens. It cost a lot.
Forbidden Layer
Gosh, whenever I visit forbidden places, they're never welcoming at all. They should work on their accommodation. All the locals here are kind of jerks, constantly saying stuff like "get out" "leave" and "why are you writing this down on a brochure". This layer is incredibly empty, and difficult to travel through. Man, it's like they don't want you travelling through the Forbidden Layer, or something. There is an upside though. You have to sacrifice quite a bit of gold to get through this layer, yippee!
Planet Core
This place is very dangerous to navigate through. A while ago, it was taken over by a evil army, and they still haven't cleaned up the mess. Still, it's pretty amazing to explore the core of the planet, take in the view, think about how far you've come...PLUS THERE'S A WISH GRANTING THING AT THE VERY CENTER OF THE PLANET SO THAT'S AWESOME! Unfortunately it's retired, so it only grants wishes on special occasions. And, of course, don't worry, there's still shops down here! Spending, here I come!
Conclusion
And that's the Underground World! It's a varied place, with a surprising amount of fun places. Still, I need to figure a way out. I don't wanna be stuck down here forever, after all. Don't worry though, I ran into a guy who will bring me back up to the surface for a small fee. I have heaps of gold, so I should be able to pay him. Anyway, remember to contact me on the forums if you have feedback or suggestions for the section. See you!
Wait...
WHERE'D MY MONEY GO!? NOOOOO! I SERIOUSLY SPENT IT ALL!? GOSH DANGIT ARE WE DOING THIS THING AGAIN WE DID IT LAST YEAR okay gotta calm down. Alright folks, history is repeating itself, and I'm stuck somewhere where I can't escape. At least it's not another dimension this time. Okay, gotta stay calm. Just gotta put my section in my convenient Beam Whatever You Put In Here To Waluigi Time machine, and then I'll figure out how to escape oh crap someone's sneaking up behind me and they're gonna knock me ou
Hey guys, totally Cosmo here. Since I'm stupid and I got stuck underground like a loser I'm passing ownership of the Sunshine Travel Guide to Bar D. Jokue, so he can write actually good travel guides. Okay, totally real Cosmo out. HAHAHAHAHA!
To be continued...
| The 'Shroom: Issue 228 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • Poll Chairperson Address • 'Shroomfest • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
