The 'Shroom:Issue 229/Palette Swap
Director's Notes
We're back for The 'Shroom once again! Happy April, everybody!
They say "April showers bring May flowers", but the crazy amount of April showers have nearly killed my flowers. My daffodils are pretty much horizontal and my hyacinths are not far behind. It's been a long while since I've seen the river here so high, too. Let's try to dry off a little, please!
I was supposed to be talking about Pokemon White in this space this month, but regrettably, I haven't started it yet. Right in the middle of the month, work switched my hours around, I interviewed for a new position, and I was focused on getting through my reading list. Well, the reading list has decreased a little but I've put Xenoblade Chronicles X back into my switch. We'll see what happens next month.
Everyone has worked hard this month, and we have a guest section as well from Boo1268 and Cloudwalker for you to enjoy. I'll shut up now so you can read ahead!
Happy reading! ~FunkyK38
Section of the Month
Let's take a look at Section of the Month! Hint Toad (talk)'s Mushroom Kingdom Comics is on top yet again, and following behind in second is winstein (talk)'s The ? Panel. Up next, we have a tie for third, between Sparks (talk) and MightyMario (talk)'s collab Random Video Analysis and Waluigi Time (talk) and Roserade (talk)'s collab Shmaluigi, Private Investigator. Thank you to everyone who voted, and please cast your votes once again this month!
| PALETTE SWAP SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Mushroom Kingdom Comics! | 12 | 35.29 | Hint Toad (talk) |
| 2nd | The ? Panel | 10 | 29.41% | winstein (talk) |
| 3rd | Random Video Analysis | 3 | 8.82% | Sparks (talk) and MightyMario (talk) |
| 3rd | Shmaluigi, Private Investigator | 3 | 8.82% | Waluigi Time (talk) and Roserade (talk) |
Waluigi Time Comic
Drawn by: Waluigi Time (talk)
"Litter"
Panel 1
[Green Bin is shown with an expression of shock and sadness, putting his vacuum nozzles up to his face.]
GREEN BIN: Someone's littering in the park!
Panel 2
[Green Bin walks through the park.]
GREEN BIN: I have to put a stop to this
Panel 3
[Green Bin vacuums something off the path, obscured by the edge of the panel.]
GREEN BIN: It's important to keep the outdoors clean and tidy
Panel 4
[The panel expands, showing Green Bin vacuuming birdseed off of the path. Pitohui is sitting on a bench with a bag of birdseed, looking at him with a question mark above his head. One Little Bird looks at Green Bin with an annoyed expression, while another kicks him, creating a "BOOT" onomatopoeia.]
The ? Panel
{Wart spits bubbles out to Peach and Toad, but they evade them.}
{Peach sees a turnip popping up from the machine}
{Peach catches a pink turnip that spouted from the machine}
{The turnip gets thrown into Wart's mouth, causing him to flinch. Toad cheers}
{Peach and Toad throw vegetables (including a sweet potato, white radish, a green capsicum, and a garlic) into Wart's mouth}
{Toad jumps and catches another veggie out of frame, so the viewer we didn't see what it is}
{Toad sees it's a mandrake, which unleashes a blood-curdling scream.}
{Toad winces while looking at Peach, who is covering his ears.}
{Both Peach and Toad shrug with a pout to indicate a go-with-the-flow attitude, agreeing without words to give the veggie a shot}
{Toad throws the veggie full force. The thrown trail contains screaming completely into Wart's mouth}
{Later, we see Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Peach at the pedestal, all covering their ears over the pedestal. The listed scores are 12, 0, 18, 10 respectively, and the contributor is listed as "Toad". At the bottom, the Subcons drag Wart away with a pained expression, with the screeching sounds coming out from his mouth}
(Note: The scores assume that two characters are active at once)
At the throne room under the pond beneath the Signpost Maze, Wart's (or Mamu as he's called in The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening) mouth is wide open with a lot of screeching from it. Wart is struggling with the noise by covering his ears and stamping both of his feet on the throne. Link is covering his ears from the loud sounds, and one of the two frogs near Wart press their heads winces at the noise.
Mushroom Kingdom Comics!
Hello, 'Shroom readers! Hint Toad, here, with a brand new comic! Enjoy!
Panel 1
[Two Shy Guys seem to have drawn a mustache on a painting of Bowser hung up on the wall. They snicker to themselves.]
Panel 2-3
[Bowser notices and walks over to them]
BOWSER: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?
Panel 4
SHY GUY #1: No no no!... Uh... That's your twin uncle bill!
Panel 5
BOWSER: Oh. I see...
Panel 6
[Bowser walks away]
SHY GUY #2: Nice save.
SHY GUY #1: Thanks.
Shmaluigi, Private Investigator
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk) and Roserade (talk)
Loose Ends: Part 3
It was hard for me to believe, but I now had what seemed to be a plausible suspect for the twenty-something year-old murder of Mr. Moses Derd - fellow archaeologist Killian Sauren. I couldn't say a couple of trinkets on display in the Yoshi's home displayed through a gizmo that allegedly captured and replayed the memories of the dead was the most ironclad case I'd built over my career, but you've got to pull at whatever strings you uncover. I wasn't exactly swimming in leads here, otherwise the NWPD probably would've solved this years ago.
Thanks to the intel from Ms. Faraday, I planned to confront Mr. Sauren that night at the underground auction he frequently attended. But this was... dicey. Waltzing into the place to bring one guy in for questioning while potentially being surrounded by all sorts of shady characters didn't have good prospects. Sure, I may be a shapeshifter, but that's no get out of trouble free card. No, I needed backup - and I don't mean the so-called "Great Thief". After all, Chief Palmer did offer any assistance I needed with the case.
I called up the chief and explained the situation to him - about the Memory Matrix, the hammer and triceratops skull in Mr. Sauren's house, the suspicions about a smuggling ring and Mr. Sauren's comments about money... Basically everything.
"I don't know, Shmaluigi. I've seen some strange things in my day, but this whole 'Memory Matrix' thing is pretty out there. Not that I don't trust you, of course, but we're not really dealing with proven technology here. It'd be pretty hard to get anything to stick just on that, I think. And even in an ideal scenario, that's pretty circumstantial evidence you've got. Still..." The chief paused in thought, and I could picture him in my mind's eye stroking his mustache. "Maybe we can at least stick something on him in connection with this auction, and see where things go from there."
"Right now, I'm just hoping to be able to question him," I said. I knew full well that the bombastic breakdowns you see on TV shows and in visual novels were played up for drama's sake, and in all likelihood we wouldn't be getting a definitive confession here. Still, it was better than nothing. "But I don't think going in there solo to try and nab Mr. Sauren is a good idea. I'm going to need backup - preferably a little more sophisticated than my wrecking ball of a brother, in this case."
"Well, we're a little stretched thin right now... I'll tell you what, I'll handle this one personally. It's been quite some time since I've done any undercover work, but I'm sure it's like riding a bike." I'll say - I never recalled him doing anything of the sort in the entire time I'd known him. I suppose once you make it to the top of the ladder, you've got other people more suited to those things.
"Glad to have you on my team, chief. I'll see you tonight."
To pull this off properly, I'd need a good disguise. Fortunately, I had plenty of options to choose from thanks to my frequent exposure to the city's criminal dealings. One of Monty Brando's old underlings seemed like an appropriate choice - they would certainly be in their element at a shady auction, and with the organization soundly dismantled as far as I was aware, there was minimal risk of any stragglers having a reason to show up. I decided to go with a Cleft by the name of Cliff Noat, figuring that the tough exterior could come in handy if things got hairy. He must have been a battle-hardened fellow, with one of his spikes being largely shattered off and the numerous tattoo-like etchings on his body giving off the unmistakable signal that he wasn't one to be messed with. Marginally smarter than your average Cleft, although that's not saying much, he was a man of few words nonetheless, and I knew all too well that if you were going to pull off an impersonation con, the less you have to run your mouth, the better. And to wrap up the whole thing in a nice little bow, I happened to know he was arrested in the last bust of the remnant of Brando's operations, so no double trouble here.
I had already arranged a meeting spot near Ludwig Street with the chief and Ms. Faraday earlier, and I ended up being the first to get there, so now I had to play the waiting game. I don't really like standing around waiting, but I also tend to be a bit gung-ho about investigations and aim to arrive ahead of time just in case, so I guess I bring it on myself.
Eventually, a voice from behind startled me. "So, how do I look?" I whipped around and saw a nasty-looking Pianta, easily towering over me in my Cleft form. It took a solid second for me to remember that this was, in fact, Chief Palmer in disguise, and not some hired thug coming to collect some debt or else he'd bust my kneecaps. Whoever had put together the facade really was on the ball. He was wearing a dark suit with a gray overcoat and gangster hat, and a hostile-looking pair of sunglasses that fully obscured his eyes from view. Okay, maybe it's weird to describe sunglasses as hostile-looking, but they were pretty angular, alright? A thin scar going down his right eye, combined with a restyled mustache and some extra fake hair to create a goatee, brought the whole thing together.
"Wow, I'm impressed. I don't think I'd have recognized you at all if I hadn't been planning this."
"Well, that's the idea, but I'm glad it worked out," the chief replied. "So, where's the contact you mentioned?"
"Beats me. She must be running-"
"Late? As if!" Her voice broke through our exchange from somewhere up above. As we glanced up, the shadow of a figure moved from a nearby rooftop, snagging onto a lamppost and sliding down it cleanly. "Don't you know? A Great Thief always arrives exactly on time!"
Now illuminated by the streetlight, Ms. Faraday stepped forward to join our rendezvous, adjusting the large beige trench coat she had on. It was hard to say she looked nearly as hardened as the chief's new look - but with her hair down and frame mostly obscured, she'd probably move well enough in a crowd. She gave my new Cleft form a once-over. "Good disguise, detective. When you said you were 'becoming a mook' to fit in, I didn't realize you meant so literally."
"It's a nice skill to have in this line of work," I replied. Honestly, it was hard to believe I'd gone so long without taking advantage of my innate abilities now. "Alright, let's get in there, and keep your eyes peeled for that Yoshi."
We made our way down the street and into the auction house, Ms. Faraday quickly breaking from the two of us and slipping away into the crowd. For something that was allegedly not quite on the level, it was quite bustling tonight, filled with colorful characters looking to pawn off some valuables for cash or acquire something on the down-low, or maybe a bit of both. At the moment though, there was no sign of Mr. Sauren. Even with the dim mood lighting in here, you'd think his striking red scales would be easy enough to pick out in a crowd. Then again, being as short as I currently was wasn't helping.
"You see him?" I asked the chief.
"Nope," he replied, trying to put on a fake gangster voice. The disguise itself was a lot better, I had to say.
We pressed on deeper into the crowd, hoping to catch a glimpse of the reptile. As I looked around, my attention was drawn to some leathery-faced fellow dressed in a manner resembling a pirate captain, almost certainly thanks to his boisterous voice. Not sure exactly what he was, can't say I'd ever seen someone who looked like him before. At the moment, he was chatting up a grizzled Ratooey. "Why yes, of course I know Ishnail! As a matter of fact, we had lunch just last week. He considers me his greatest confidant, you see."
"Yeah, right. I know someone who's full of it when I see 'em. Bet you've never even been to Rogueport in your life, pal."
"You don't believe me? You wound Hondo!"
Perhaps there was something interesting there, but it wasn't what I was here for. Then I was stopped in my tracks by a Bucket Man, sporting a pair of eyes in mismatched colors and flimsy-looking arms made of tinfoil, cardboard, and copious amounts of tape, and covered in a flaking white paint job that had either gone on poorly or was currently coming off poorly. So much for maintaining a low profile.
"HEY BUDDY! You made it just in Nicholas' time! I've GOT ITEM that you won't want to miss!" he said, his eyes rolling around randomly in separate directions as he talked. "This will go for Big Buck$ at auction but Just For You! A special low low price for Buy It Now! The only gotta catch 'em all is it's BIG SURPRISE like the gotcha application on your smart phone! Don't big shot your chance for this Bargain Bin special!"
He was such a fast talker I barely understood what he was saying, but I'm not sure any amount of slowing down would make... whatever that was, more intelligible. All I knew is that I certainly had no interest in whatever this garbage can was selling. "Not interested, bub."
"D'oh, you're are missing out! REMEMBER buy pistachios!" With that, he turned with an abrupt jolt and wandered off into the crowd, most likely looking for someone else to bother.
"That guy was... something," I said.
"Wonder how many people he's able to hook with that pitch," the chief added. I had half a mind to tell him to keep the talking to a minimum because that gangster voice of his was not doing it, but I feared it'd just draw more attention if I did...
Still no sign of Mr. Sauren, I was interrupted once again by a voice from behind. "Hey, Cliff! That you?" I turned around to see a sleazy-looking Fighter Fly walking up to me. Well, crud. I may have eliminated the risk of running into any active members of Brando's organization showing up here on orders from the boss, but the chance that someone recognized Cliff was always there. Hopefully I could shake this guy fast.
"Oh, uh, hey," I said.
"Thought that was you, I'd recognize those tattoos anywhere. How you been? Figured you might've got tossed in the slammer when mole man went down."
I'd never seen this guy before and really had no idea who he was. It didn't seem like he was one of Brando's old minions, even if he was well familiar with Cliff, but he seemed to have some knowledge of the operation. "Well, here I am. Looking for new work though."
"Listen, buddy, pal, you're looking for work you should've come to me! The old operation's always looking for another set of... well, guess you don't have any hands, heh. But you know what I mean. Anyone good enough to work with the mole man's probably got what it takes to make it in the smuggling biz. Well, except that one moron, what was his name... Crawbert, or something? Still can't believe he ended up smashing that old Hylian vase Killian dug up. No wonder I never saw him come around here again."
"Killian?"
"Yeah, you know, old Yoshi guy, looks like a Kellonald's ketchup packet. Been working in our Mushroom branch of operations since, uhh... Well, before my time, I think. Comes around here a lot to sell his finds, or at least the actually valuable stuff he doesn't pawn off to the local museums to keep the heat off. It's a good hustle that guy's got going."
"Guess we've never been introduced," I said, really hoping that was actually the case.
"Must've been. Anyway, shame about mole man, he was always a big spender around here, or at least the guys he sent down were. Guess he was willing to pay top coin considering he had enough guts to specifically request stuff. Man, is it weird to say I made bank off your boss?"
"Nah."
"Haha, yeah, you've always been a good sport. Anyway, looks like hammster over there is getting antsy. Tell you what, stick around and we can catch up after the auction."
"Yeah, sure." Unfortunately for him, there was little chance of that actually happening, but it worked to get rid of him, as nice as it would be to try and get more information out of him. That was a close one.
My attention was then caught by a woman in a big yellow hat and coat bumping into the chief, apparently being too engrossed in whatever she was doing to look where she was walking. "Oh, sorry!" she said, but seemed to pay the incident little mind, continuing to push through the crowd and focusing her attention back on the conversation she was having on her earpiece. "Yeah, sis, I got eyes on the stuff, but I was kind of wondering if I have to save all the money for that 'cause I saw- alright, stay on target, fiiine..."
"Hey, watch it," the chief muttered, trying to maintain some sort of tough guy persona, but by now she was out of earshot - not a hard feat considering how quiet he was.
"You're really rusty," I finally told him.
"Alright, alright everybody... SHADDUP!" shouted a shrill voice from the back of the room, belonging to a Hammer Bro. "Auction starts in five minutes! Take your seats!"
With that, the crowd started shuffling toward the back and selecting their choice of folding chair. Still no sign of Mr. Sauren. Having no interest in actually being part of the auction, of course, the chief and I hung back, and soon enough Ms. Faraday reconvened with us.
"Well detective, did you spot him?"
"Nope. You didn't either?" I replied.
"Not at all. I searched all upstairs too, no sign of him."
"Well, that's a pickle..."
"No kidding... From my intel, he's almost always here, so what gives? I can't imagine him missing another sale unless he was..." Kay's eyes widened as a thought dawned on her. "...prepping for something else." Suddenly, she peeled away from us, rushing through the amassing crowd towards the door.
"Something else? You don't mean-"
"The Derd estate auction!" she called over her shoulder. "He's gotta be gearing up for it!"
The chief and I glanced at each other for a moment before quickly following suit. If Ms. Faraday's hunch was correct, then we'd certainly have something somewhat adjacent to returning to the scene of the crime on our hands here.
We got to the estate sale just in time, passing by a Moo Moovers truck parked nearby. A Koopa Troopa and Toad stood by idly, leaning against the side of the moving truck and making conversation with each other as we passed by.
"This Killian guy must be really confident in his pockets to hire us beforehand," the Koopa said.
"And we still get paid even if he doesn't buy anything? Score!" the Toad added enthusiastically.
"There just better not be any Micro-Goombas hiding in there again or I'm gonna flip!"
Ms. Faraday's hunch was right - Mr. Sauren had clearly been making preparations for getting a big haul at this auction. As we got closer, I observed a crowd of people gathered around an outdoor storage unit, presumably one of the very units Mr. Derd's collection had been stored in for all these years, their attention directed toward a Goomba with a big bowtie presiding over the auction and what looked like some sort of Tostarenan doodad on display. And there in towards the front of the crowd, standing out like a bright red flag, was Mr. Sauren, holding his paddle in the air.
"Going once... Going twice..."
"HOLD IT!" I shouted, prompting the whole crowd to look in our direction. I suppose that was quite the attention grabber.
"What's the meaning of this?" Mr. Sauren said with irritation. Finally, I was seeing him in the flesh, not that I particularly relished sharing space with this guy. "Clearly you have no concept of proper auction etiquette. If you wanted to participate, perhaps you should've arrived on time? Now back to business," he said, his attention turning back to the auctioneer. "I believe you said 'going twice'?"
"Killian Sauren, you are under arrest for the murder of Moses Derd and illegal smuggling of artifacts," I announced. The crowd gasped in shock, and quickly turned their gazes from me to the reptile.
"You can't be serious?!" Mr. Sauren said, his prior expression of irritation giving way to what I recognized all too well as indignation and utter contempt.
"What?! Killian, how could you?" asked a familiar voice. It was only then that I realized Mr. Oakley was in the crowd, obscured by several other much taller potential buyers.
"It's nothing but a load of nonsense. This Sherlock is clearly out of his mind."
"Balderdash! Shmaluigi here is as good as they come, eh wot? If the old bean's accusing you, there must be veracity to his claims!"
The crowd was getting pretty riled up now - even these many years after his death, this kind of crowd no doubt had quite a few people who knew and respected Mr. Derd - and as entertaining as it would've been to watch Mr. Sauren get trounced by a crowd of archaeologists and museum curators, I figured it would be better to cuff him and haul him off to the squad car the chief had waiting for us.
"Alright everyone, nothing more to see here, as you were," Chief Palmer said, staying behind for a moment to calm the crowd.
"Whatever evidence you may have on me, I assure you I'll be hiring the best legal defense money can buy," Mr. Sauren snarled. "Worst case scenario, there's not a judge in this kingdom I couldn't pay off."
"You've been a tricky one to pin this on, Mr. Sauren," I said. "Seems Mr. Derd was mostly respected by his peers, but there's always one in every bunch..."
"Hmph, well Moses was a blind fool and a rosy idealist. 'Preservation of history' this, 'public education' that. The finds from a good dig always fetch a handsome price, as long as you're willing to go to... the right people. He never cared about all of the sheer potential he was squandering, and he wasn't the only one."
"That's hardly reason to kill a man."
"He brought his fate on himself! I was on the trail of the find of a lifetime in Cascade long before he showed up with his little research team. He got there first, and took what should have rightfully been my discovery out from under my nose! I tried reasoning with him, even offering him a cut of the payment if he let me take the lead, but he stubbornly refused. And let me tell you, even a quarter of what I could've made off of that would've been far beyond whatever paltry sum he would've gotten from giving it away to that old codger's museum," he continued, clearly getting angrier at the thought of the guy. "He had no interest in the money that could've been made from those artifacts, even after I made it crystal clear to him. Money that was rightfully mine. He must have thought I drowned when that old rope bridge collapsed, but I survived by the skin of my teeth. If I hadn't stepped in, all that money would've been wasted, and those finds would be collecting dust in a museum for generations to come. Perhaps if he hadn't insisted on sticking his nose where it didn't belong, he'd still be alive now."
"So it's all about money, then? It's a tale as old as time, I suppose, but it still doesn't make me despise people like you any less."
"Money makes the world go round, gumshoe. The sooner you realize it, the better. Tell me, what do you gain from trying to solve that old case? Justice for a dead man? A sense of pride in yourself, maybe? Worthless, immaterial," Mr. Sauren said dismissively. "You remind me of Moses himself. Where did his ideals get him? He's been six feet under for over two decades, while I've been living in luxury thanks to this lucrative market. It seems to me that only one of our philosophies paid off."
"Look, I've been in this line of work long enough to deal with enough cretins like you to know that you're not worth arguing with, because nothing I say is going to penetrate your thick skull, and there's no point justifying myself to lowlifes. But know this, some of us actually care about making things better for other people, instead of only thinking about ourselves and running roughshod over anyone who gets in the way."
Mr. Sauren chuckled derisively. "Then you really are a fool among many."
"I see. You got all that, Ms. Faraday?" I asked.
"Loud and clear." Ms. Faraday took a smug step out from behind a nearby corner, giving the recording device in her hand a little shake.
"Wait, what?!" Mr. Sauren shouted. I imagined he'd probably be turning a bright shade of red right now, if he wasn't already that color to begin with.
"Good luck paying off the judge when a confession like that gets submitted as evidence," I said, ushering him into the squad car.
While the chief started his way back to the driver's seat, Ms. Faraday stepped closer, tossing the recording device my direction. "Good work getting your man, detective. That's the end of your twenty year mystery, huh?"
"And some change. Feels good to finally have that one on the books, although it doesn't change a whole lot now... Unfortunately solving these cases never undoes what happened in the first place."
"That's always the tough part about stealing the truth. It's the truth, and nothing changes that." The squad car hit the gas, and Ms. Faraday watched the chief peel away with Killian in tow. "Far from the only truth to find, anyway. That's just one leg of the entire operation down."
At the moment, I was trying not to think of how this case only scratched the surface of a massive smuggling ring, but I suppose as Ms. Faraday said, it's the truth, and nothing changes that. "Yeah... You're still going to be working on things on that front, I presume?"
"You should know something about the Yatagarasu, detective." Ms. Faraday turned towards me then, and I caught the beaming smile of someone proud of their work. "When their eyes are set on their target, there's no stopping their flight. But it'll take some time to unravel. You ever find a new lead, or want to lend a hand... you've got my card."
"Will do," I said, offering a parting handshake.
Finally, after all these years, the case of Mr. Derd's murder could be put to rest. Incident LT-5 was officially solved, and with that, my time as a member of the New Wikisburg Police Department came to a close. That was a weight off of my shoulders in and of itself, and it felt good to finally provide some closure for the poor guy. Aside from Mr. Sauren's confession, the NWPD was able to get a search warrant for his house, and bingo, that ornamental mallet I'd seen in the Memory Matrix was a perfect match for the murder weapon. Now I just had to have faith that the cogs of justice would turn, but from here on out, it was out of my hands.
I couldn't say I felt the relief that normally comes with solving a case, because there were still bigger fish to fry out there. The murder was solved, but now it had brought to light an expansive smuggling ring. And with as much money to be made as Mr. Sauren alleged, I'm afraid incidents like this were probably all too common. So that would have to be my next target, I suppose...
But this was much, much bigger than anything I'd ever faced before. Monty Brando's mafia was a speck in comparison, and even Kreep and the Circle of Six were small potatoes in spite of how wide-reaching their respective operations were. As far as I knew, this smuggling ring stretched just as far, maybe even more, and dismantling it outright would be nearly impossible for one lone private investigator. Even putting any noticeable dent in it seemed out of reach, considering something like this almost certainly operated in a more decentralized fashion. Maybe you could take out a few key regional people to push it back a little, but there wouldn't be anyone at the top whose absence would cause the whole thing to destabilize.
And look at me, I went into this whole thing being overconfident from my recent successes, and I couldn't even solve a single murder case without help. If I was a lone wolf, I'd be up a creek.
Then again... I guess I wasn't a lone wolf, was I? I'd be the first to admit that whenever I got too deep into trying to solve a case or fight the villain of the week, I would tend to act as if I was the sole force for justice out there. But with allies at home like Ms. Faraday, Shmaisy, and the chief, and no doubt the countless others around the world who I'd never met trying to uphold what's good and fight back evil, that couldn't be farther from the truth.
I'm Shmaluigi, the private investigator from New Wikisburg. And maybe that would have to be enough on its own. I'd just have to accept that some things may be out of my reach, but that they'd be in good hands nonetheless.
Can one person change the world? Probably not. But what would happen if more of us just tried to improve the little corners we had influence over?
That's something to think about.
The End
Thanks for reading the finale of this arc, and of course a very special thank you to Roserade for co-writing this arc and providing Kay Faraday's dialogue throughout! That's about all I have to say for now, so I'll see you next time!
Diddy Kong Country
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
Picking up where the last part left off, the Kongs found themselves halfway through their showdown with Thomas Henry Herbert Talpidae and his Excavaporator 2000 at the heart of the factories on the Kremling-occupied archipelago of Industrialula. As the overgrown mole Factory Chief continued to fire off homing shotgun shells from his battle mech’s Boomstick unit, the Kongs continued to use them to their advantage by luring the homing ammunition back towards the Boomstick unit they were fired from, continuing to do so until the Boomstick unit broke off the battle mech and exploded.
“Hrrrrgh…You really are a posse of persistent primates, aren’t you? Let’s see what else I got up my sleeves…” Thomas Talpidae growled before looking at his torso and realizing he wasn’t wearing any clothes, let alone a shirt that had any sleeves. “Oh, I’m not wearing any! But for my final showstopper, feast your banana chuffing eyes on THIS!” The Factory Chief declared as he replaced the right arm on his battle mech with a bulky plasma gun, and the left arm on his battle mech with a plasma sword-like blade, prompting the Kongs to yelp in shock at what they were witnessing. Thomas Talpidae chortled in amusement at his opponents’ fright from seeing his battle mech’s ultimate weaponry.
“Bet you weren’t expecting that, were you? Where’s your big, wisecracking mouths now?! Prepare for the end, my ape-like adversaries!” Thomas Talpidae taunted the Kongs before beginning to use his mech’s ultimate weapons against them, after which the Kongs slipped back into their battle mindsets. Suddenly, a number of Steel Kegs proceeded to drop down onto the battle arena, which the Kongs could use to hurl at the Excavaporator 2000 to damage it, since the plasma gun and sword couldn’t be damaged through any physical means from the Kongs themselves alone. As such, Diddy, Dixie, Tiny and Jockey each picked up a Steel Keg before tossing them at the plasma weapons on Thomas’ mech, prompting a series of pained yowls from the Factory Chief in response.
“Bet you weren’t expecting that either, our malicious mole-like opponent!” Jockey grinned in response, using Thomas’ previous taunts against him before he and his grandchildren began to dodge more bolts of plasma fired from the gun on Thomas’ mech, as well as swipes from the plasma sword, after which another dozen Steel Kegs dropped down onto the arena for the Kongs to chuck at the machine before them, causing Thomas Talpidae to howl in frustration as his mech continued to get more and more damaged as the battle went on, but the Factory Chief continued to fight until the bitter end, as he had been taught by King K. Rool to do so when being trained by the Kremling King into his role as Factory Chief.
“Well, until this battle is definitely over, I’m not backing down from it whatsoever, Kongs! And if I go down with my battleship in doing so, so be it!” Thomas Talpidae informed the Kongs as he continued to assail them with his plasma weaponry, which the apes continued to dodge before they were granted another set of Steel Kegs by whoever was constantly dropping them down the mechanical shaft that made up the stage for the fight against the Factory Chief. Picking them up and hurling them at the machine Thomas was piloting, the plasma weapons began emitting smoke, signifying that the mech was beginning to get close to falling apart, causing the Kongs to smile in satisfaction out of comfort knowing that they were getting the upper hand in the fight, so they pushed on to bring the battle to a close.
“Let’s keep this up, you guys! We should have this terrifying tunnel dweller beat in nothing flat at the rate we’re going!” Diddy Kong told his family, who nodded in response before they once again resumed their evasive maneuvers against the weapons on the Excavaporator 2000 before getting their paws on another batch of Steel Kegs to further bring the combat vessel to breakdown. They were evidently successful in doing so, as part of the metal plating on the Excavaporator 2000 began to break off, with Thomas Talpidae visibly beginning to get nervous, as sweat was starting to break out on his forehead, and his snout began to twist into an equally anxious grimace on top of that.
“Agh, my conk’s saying that further combat’s inadvisable, but my gut ain’t buying it…I’m in a tailspin here, so what gives?!” Thomas Talpidae asked himself, sounding just as nervous as he looked before pushing on his assault against the Kongs, who still managed to duck and jump out of the way of his attack window. They then proceeded to use one last assortment of Steel Kegs to toss at the Excavaporator 2000 to plunge the machine and its master into the agonizing depths of defeat. “No! My Excavaporator 2000! King K. Rool, forgive me!” Thomas Talpidae cried out as he went down alongside his mecha. The Kremkoin he was guarding then proceeded to float out of the shaft and onto the arena that the Kongs stood on top of, and Diddy triumphantly snatched the Kremkoin up and let out a series of cheerful monkey shrieks as Dixie, Tiny and Jockey applauded the spidermonkey in response.
“Masterfully done, you resourceful grandson of mine! You managed to bring us another step closer to untangling the mystery of your long lost mother and stepping out of your uncle’s shadow to become a Video Game Hero in your own right! Now let’s get the heck outta here and prepare to depart for the next stop of our adventure!” Jockey Kong praised his grandson for another job well done in toppling another one of the Kremling Krew’s heinous head honcho’s before the Kongs proceeded to hightail it out of there, towards Jockey Kong’s motorcycle before settling down inside the driver’s seat and sidecar, respectively, then riding off towards more adventurous horizons that awaited them.
After riding for a while, the Kongs arrived at the fifth stop of their adventure; Cape Crocanaveral. As the name of the location suggested, it was a cape with lots of underwater territories and coastal banks spread across. The Kongs left no time for wasting as they proceeded to enter the first level that made up this largely aquatic area; Down Periscrock.
The level took place inside the submerged wreckage of a Kremling Krew submersible, hence the name. The primary enemies that the Kongs had to face in this level were Korsairs, Rongeurchiers, and Blue Finleys, Red Finleys and Sea Urchins. “Don’t get me wrong, I can find myself in the maritime creatures’ opinions of it being better down where it’s wetter, but I still share Funky Kong’s sentiments in preferring to be up top on the gnarly curls of Mother Ocean.” Diddy told his family members as they swam through the underwater world they currently found themselves in, strangely being able to speak normally underwater, with the other Kongs similarly being capable of hearing him for some unknown reason. They affirmatively hummed their agreements with Diddy’s sentiments.
“So do I, if I’m being honest. I mean, sure, the world beneath the waves is magical in its own right, but the land above still is my favorite place to be any day of the week. I mean, us Kongs are not exactly adapted to living beneath the waves like those Finley fiends over there.” Dixie Kong chimed in her thoughts on the matter while gesturing towards the Blue and Red Finleys that swam in their way, the fishy enemies glancing towards the Kongs with a deadpan expression in response, seemingly not caring for the Kongs’ opinions on maritime life and simply continuing to swim around with nary a care.
“Well, we aren’t getting anywhere chitchatting about these underwater living situations, so it’s for the best that we hurry along and swim our way through if we are to collect the pieces of the Primate Print hidden away out here and bring ourselves closer to unlocking the mystery of Diddy’s long lost mum, don’t you think?” Tiny Kong suggested as she took the lead and began swimming out front, picking off any aquatic adversaries in the Kongs’ way with her Feather Bow as she did so. The other Kongs nodded their agreement as they continued to follow Tiny’s lead for the rest of the level, even when they were met with giant fans creating strong currents halfway through the level. Soon enough, they had reached the level’s end, where a navy blue chest with vibrant glowing blue stripes running across was waiting for them, as it held the next piece of the Primate Print for them to collect.
Tiny Kong was quick to open up the chest and grab the map piece out of it, holding it in her hand with a triumphant smirk, her Feather Bow resting on her hip in an equally triumphant manner. “Blinding! We’ve managed to get our feet in the door in this area! We’ll have the rest of the map pieces hidden around these parts assembled before you know it!” The taller of the two Kong sisters chimed with a confident tone of voice, Jockey Kong humming his agreement with this statement.
“That, I couldn’t have put better myself, lass! Let’s keep going and crackle the rest of these Kremlings and whatever native creatures they’ve managed to get to do their dirty work for ‘em while we’re at it as well!” Jockey Kong stated as he took the lead and proceeded to guide his grandchildren towards the second level that made up the area of Cape Crocanaveral; Hardship & High Water.
This second level of Cape Crocanaveral featured an amphibian jeep for the Kongs to ride in, and as they entered the level, they took notice of this amphibian jeep, glancing at it with puzzled looks on their faces. “A car that can ride across water, eh? This should be easy enough for us to drive.” Dixie Kong remarked, having had experience with driving a hovercraft before, so she leapt into the driver’s seat of the amphibian jeep while the rest of the Kongs leapt into the vehicle’s passenger seats before taking off into the glimmering coves that the level happened to take place inside of.
“Glad we have you to steer us through these tidal waves, Dixie. I dunno if Tiny or granddad have any experience with driving a doohickey like this, but I do have some experience from engaging in Mario Kart tournaments, so if you couldn’t drive it, then I could’ve done so no problem.” Diddy told his girlfriend with a relieved smile, prompting Dixie to giggle and roll her eyes in response, playfully nudging the male spidermonkey in the side as she did so.
“Relax, you goofball. I’ve driven hovercrafts back in the day no problem, and I haven’t forgotten how to do so ‘till this very day. I’m gonna be fine as a fiddle.” Dixie assured her boyfriend in an equally playful tone of voice, prompting a giggle from Diddy in response. Jockey Kong couldn’t help but smile at the dynamic between his grandson and his loving girlfriend, getting a kick out of seeing Diddy having a significant other he got along with so well. It reminded him of his prime days with his wife, the mother of his son, Donkey Kong III, and daughter, Jocie Kong. Her name was Christina “Christy” Kong, whom he met whilst she was working as a waitress in a mocktail bar somewhere in New York City, USA between the early 1980s and mid 1990s. The two fell in love rather quickly and ended up marrying the following year. Soon after, they were blessed by the birth of their first and only baby boy, Donkey Kong III, the blessing of the birth of their first and only baby girl, Jocie Kong following about two years later. The family’s happiness wouldn’t last forever, sadly enough, as Christy Kong would pass away at some point before Diddy’s birth. Jockey never talked much about how his wife died, claiming he didn’t like to discuss it whenever the topic was brought up. The gorilla was so lost in his reminiscing about the days of old that he was unaware that the Kongs had already managed to reach the end of the level.
Diddy then proceeded to snap his fingers in front of his grandfather’s face to bring him back to reality, being successful in doing so, as Jockey jolted back to the present day almost immediately afterward. “Grandpa, you there? We managed to reach the end of the level and grab the next slice of the map.” Diddy informed his granddad as he pointed towards Dixie and Tiny standing next to the opened chest that held the map piece, Dixie holding up the map piece for emphasis in response.
“Yeah, I’m here, Diddy. Sorry about that, I musta nodded off for a moment. Let’s keep moving forward, shall we?” Jockey suggested as he hopped out of the passenger seat of the amphibian jeep alongside his grandson, the two of them linking up with Dixie and Tiny as they began to head towards the third level of Cape Crocanaveral; Blackout Bay.
As the name of this third level suggested, it took place in a silhouetted underwater level, where the Kongs had to corkscrew into schools of bioluminescent fish in order to keep the area lit, similar to Amiss Abyss in Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze. The place brought back some good memories for Diddy and Dixie as a result of this, the young monkey couple smiling in nostalgia as they glanced around the area while they swam through it.
“Oh my, this place is loaded with pleasant memories, wouldn’t you say, Dixie?” Diddy asked his girlfriend, who positively hummed her agreement in response. “It’s like that beautiful underwater temple we visited at Sea Breeze Cove during our journey to liberate the place from the control of the Snowmads.” Diddy added, with Dixie once again humming her agreement as the Kongs continued to swim through the place.
“Boy, I’ll say. This place really bears a strong resemblance to that underwater temple we visited back at Sea Breeze Cove, for sure. For all I know, this place we’re swimming through right could as well be the same temple we visited back there.” Dixie voiced her reasonings on the subject matter. As the Kongs continued to swim, they found themselves face to face with salty critters such as Jellyfish, Flotsams, Shuri, Bitesizes, Chomps, and Chomps Juniors, all of which Tiny proceeded to pick off with relative ease using her Feather Bow.
“Not only the place looks familiar, but so do the submerged scoundrels that swim around down here. I mean, I recognize each and every one of these guys from the previous adventures you guys have had back in the day.” Tiny Kong then spoke up as the Kongs continued to move through the world full of wonder under the sea. Jockey also hummed his agreement with Tiny’s statement in response.
“Tell me about it. All of these Submerged Seadogs are ones you’ve come up against during your days of adventurous prime. Some things just never change, regardless of how much time goes by in the world of fictional frenzy, it seems.” Jockey Kong gave his ten cents on the discussion that took place as the Kongs swam through the waterways that made up this silhouetted strait. Before long, the heroes had made it towards the end of the level and nicked the Primate Print fragment hidden away down there. Soon after, the Kongs made haste to head on over to the fourth level that made up the Cape Crocanaveral area - Manatee On The Move.
True to its name, the level featured a school of manatees that offered the Kongs a ride on their backs. Though before the Kongs could ride on the very first manatee they encountered at the start of the level, they had to cut the chain that bound it to the withered remains of a dock, so the Kongs did just that, after which the manatee repaid their kindness by taking them across the salty seawater. Along the way, the Kongs found themselves facing Squidlies, Electrasquids, Pinchlys, Snippys, and a handful of Korsairs who tried to send the Kongs to a watery grave, though thanks to the assistance of the manatees the Kongs were riding upon, these spiteful seadogs stood little chance against the primate protagonists.
“Even though these things are manatees and not whales, I still feel like a Free Willy out here, riding the waves on the back of these watery giants!” Jockey chimed with a grin as he stood triumphantly on the back of a manatee, with his arms spread out like Jack Dawson in James Cameron’s Titanic. “I’m the Kong of the world!” Jockey then hollered out in excitement, prompting Diddy, Dixie and Tiny to giggle at the middle-aged gorilla’s antics. Before long though, the Kongs had made it to the end of the level, and as they bid the manatee that brought them here goodbye, they quickly nabbed themselves the next quarter of the Primate Print, after which they began to head towards the fifth level that made up the Cape Crocaneveral region - Sandbank Sprint.
This fifth level of Cape Crocanaveral took place entirely above water, along the sandy coastlines of the regions, as per the name of the level. The Kongs’ major form of adversaries in this level were Korsairs, Krembades and Kremploders, as well as a handful of enemies native to the region, such as hermit crabs named Kermits, jumping, blobby manta ray-like enemies named Beachards, and sea lion-like enemies armed with wooden clubs named Slugger Puppies. None of these fiends were much of a problem for the Kongs to take out, however, as they continued to monkey around on the sandbanks of this major aquatic archipelago, their goals set on claiming the Primate Print parsley waiting for them at the end.
“Hard to believe we’ve already ventured this far into this area, don’t you think? At the pace we’re going, this corner of the Kremling Krew’s conquered territories is gonna be the bees’ knees once we’re finished with it.” Tiny Kong voiced out loud, sniping any of the Kremling Kutthroats that stood in her way with her Feather Bow.
“I’ll say, Tiny. These kooky Kremlings might as well be packing their bags as we speak, because we’ve pretty much gotten far enough into their territories and crippled their forces to the point where defeat is gonna be inevitable for them. Though knowing how stubborn K. Rool can get when setting his sights on wreaking havoc upon the Kong Clan, he’ll likely continue to fight until the bitter end, no matter how much the odds are stacked against him.” Dixie Kong replied to her younger yet taller sister, firing off chunks of bubblegum into the Kremling Kutthroats’ faces as she did so.
“That should work in our favor just fine, because the more we get under K. Rool’s leathery skin, the easier he should be for us to defeat when we inevitably come knocking on his door, because in my experience, mentally and physically tiring an enemy out to the point where they’re all cranky and angry, usually spells out victory for you if you play your cards well.” Diddy Kong then pointed out to the girls as he launched peanut shells at the Kremlings that continued to stand in the Kongs’ way.
“Yeah, that’s something I’ve learned from my days of prime videogame adventuring, Diddy, my boy. Let’s hope those unofficially written rules from back then still ring true in the present day, yeah?” Jockey Kong also provided his words of wisdom regarding the conversation taking place as he decked the Kremlings in the face with his bare hands, knocking them out with relative ease due to how strong he was, even in his days of middle age. Soon after this conversation wrapped up, the heroes had reached the end of the level, where they swiftly snatched the next segment of the Primate Print before hurrying along towards the sixth level of Cape Crocanaveral; Rock Bottom Riptide.
As per the name of the level, it took place deep underwater, with many currents that sent a number of tidal thugs at the Kongs, such as Red and Blue Finleys, Sea Urchins, Flotsams, Bitesizes, Chomps and Chomps Juniors. “I think it’s safe to say that these are watery depths where no Kong has ever gone before. And seeing how chilly, dark and eerie it is down here, I can see why no Kong has attempted doing so up until this point.” Diddy Kong chimed as he looked around the area with an unsettled expression on his face.
“You can say that again, Diddy. This place gives me the creeps, so let’s get through it as fast as we can, then grab the Primate Print piece at the end, and get the heck outta here.” Dixie Kong voiced her agreements with her boyfriend’s opinion of the area they were currently swimming through, her face radiating equal unsettlement to that of her boyfriend. She still managed to gather the courage to grab her Bubblegum Blowguns and shoot down the maritime meanies that came the way of her and her family, however.
“Even I can’t deny that this place gives me the willies, so I agree with your plan of making it through here as fast as we can to grab the Primate Print piece and leave, Dixie.” Tiny Kong replied to her older sister with an anxious gleam in her eyes, her lips curled into an equally anxious frown as she nailed shots from her Feather Bow on the quite literally wet bandits that the underwater currents kept throwing at her and the other Kongs.
“What, are you kids afraid of the deep sea or something? Tsk! Just stay behind me, and you’ll be alright!” Jockey Kong jokingly told his grandchildren as he corkscrewed his way through any of the submerged seadogs that could be taken out in such a manner whilst continuing to swim through the sunken substratums that made up the level the Kongs were currently caught up in. At last, though, the end of the level was reached, where the Primate Print piece was obtained, thus allowing the Kongs to leave and make their way over to the boss level of Cape Crocanaveral - Clados Clash.
The boss level took place inside an underwater arena, where the Kongs had to face the fifth of the Kremling Krew’s high-ranking hoodlums; A large prehistoric shark named Claude Selachis. As the shark approached the Kongs and roared at them, the primate protagonists howled in fear before engaging Claude Selachis in battle. In this first phase of the battle, the shark’s primary form of attack was snapping his jaws at the heroes in an attempt to bite them. As Diddy, Dixie and Tiny distracted the shark from the front, Jockey was able to corkscrew into Claude’s backside to damage him, causing the shark to growl in pain.
Shifting his focus towards attacking Jockey now, Claude began to angrily snap his jaws at the middle-aged gorilla, who began to run evasive maneuvers in order to buy his grandchildren time to corkscrew their way into the shark’s backside like he had previously done. Assessing the situation until he sensed a proper attack window, Diddy then followed his grandfather’s lead, corkscrewing Claude in the backside to damage him, prompting another pained moan from the shark in response, who then shifted his attention back towards Diddy, Dixie and Tiny, using his oversized chops to try and bite them yet again.
The younger Kongs once again began to distract the massive shark in order to buy Jockey Kong time to calculate his attack window and bust Claude in the backside once more. Once the older Kong had done so, he went in for the attack, causing the shark to yelp in pain once more, initiating the second phase of the battle. Claude then let out another deafening roar, which ended up summoning a quartet of miniature sharks that resembled himself, named Mini-Selachis. During the second phase of the battle, these Mini-Selachis assisted Claude in attempting to take out the Kongs, so the Kongs formulated the next step of their battle strategy against the shark in a subsequent manner; While Diddy and the girls kept Claude distracted, Jockey would stun the Mini-Selachis and use them as projectiles to launch into the shark’s backside to damage him. They kept up this strategy for another three hits before the third and final phase of the battle was initiated, where Claude let out another beastly roar as he proceeded to increase in size, giving the Kongs less space to try and battle him.
Not ones to back down in the face of adversity however, the Kongs pushed on their assault against the Big Boss. During this third phase of the battle, Claude also swam around the boss arena at a faster pace, and summoned quartets of Sea Urchins to assist him in battle, alongside the occasional Mini-Selachis. Running evasive maneuvers and adjusting their battle strategy from the second phase in an according manner, the Kongs managed to bring down Claude Selachis after another three hits, with the shark slowly sinking off-screen with X’ed out eyes whilst exploding in a submerged volcanic inferno. Relinquishing the Kremkoin he was guarding in the process, the Kongs quickly grabbed it before high fiving one another at a job well done. They then returned to the surface before getting back on Jockey’s motorcycle, then rode off towards the sixth destination of their adventure; Wraithchester Parkway. “Well done, grandkids! Thanks to our combined efforts in taking that Kremkoin off that beastly boob, we’re now over the halfway point of our journey! We’re slowly but surely getting towards untangling the mystery of Diddy’s long-lost mom!” Jockey praised Diddy and the girls, who cheered in response as the Kongs continued to ride towards Wraithchester Parkway, getting there after about a day’s worth of driving.
Wraithchester Parkway was a haunted area located within a semi-arid grassland location, similar to Gusty Gulch from Paper Mario 64 and its inspiration, the real-life lands of La Mancha, Spain. A number of spectral foes awaited the Kongs out here, and Diddy, Dixie and Tiny couldn’t help but shiver in unsettlement as they glanced around the area upon arriving there. “Bah, I’ve never been much of a fan of ghost towns, I’ll admit that much…I still don't have fond memories of traversing Gloomy Gulch on Crocodile Isle back in the day…” Dixie Kong admitted as she folded her arms in front of her chest, a visibly upset expression resting on her face for emphasis. Diddy and Tiny hummed their agreement in response.
“That makes two of us, Dixie. I don’t have many fond memories of that place myself, so this ghost-infested gulch we’re riding through right now isn’t making me feel any better compared to back then…” Diddy admitted to his girlfriend as well, cuddling close to her in an attempt to comfort her. Dixie then proceeded to cuddle her boyfriend back in response to provide him with the same level of comfort, which got another warm smile out of Jockey in the process.
“Make that three of us, because even I don’t really feel at ease in this wraith-filled wasteland. Let’s try and grab all the Primate Print pieces hidden away out here as quickly as we can so that we won’t have to hang around here for too long.” Tiny Kong suggested to the rest of the Kongs, who hummed their agreement with that idea in response. Soon enough, they arrived at the first level that made up the Wraithchester Parkway area; Spectral Sands.
As per the name of the level, it was set in the sandy hills of the area, with a number of skeletal counterparts to Korsairs walking around - They were named Kreepy Korsairs, and functioned similarly to Dry Bones in the Mario series, in the sense that the Kongs could cause the Kreepy Korsairs’ skeletal bodies to fall apart upon attacking them, but they would reanimate themselves after a brief moment. “Wow, I’ve always loved battling the undead! They can usually always rise back after you’ve knocked them down, so thanks a lot!” Dixie sarcastically quipped to no one in particular with an irritable expression as she and the Kongs monkeyed around through the semi-arid greens they currently found themselves caught up in, knocking down Kreepy Korsairs along the way.
“Tell me about it, Dixie. I don’t know how Mario and his friends in the Mushroom Kingdom deal with this undead nightmare whenever they end up crossing paths with them throughout the many Towers, Castles, Ghost Houses and other haunted hollows they visit during their adventures. And on second thought, I don’t think I wanna know.” Diddy gave his ten cents on his girlfriend’s musings as he cartwheeled his way through the skeletal menace he and his family were currently up against. Tiny Kong hummed her agreement as she lobbed deadly feathers from her Feather Bow at the oncoming horde of Kreepy Korsairs.
“I’ll say, Diddy. Some of the secrets that Mario and his merry mushrooms encounter on their treks are best left in the dark to monkeys like us. I’ll stick to clobbering crocodiles any day of the week compared to that.” Tiny replied to the male spidermonkey as she fired off more rounds of feathers into her undead adversaries at the same time. Jockey Kong, on the other hand, repeatedly gave the skeletal scoundrels the ol’ one-two combo, not really feeling all that agitated about their ability to reanimate themselves as the younger Kongs were.
“You ain’t really getting anywhere griping about these guys putting themselves back together after you’ve broken them up, kiddos! Just keep moving ahead while they’re down rather than wasting all your breath trying to crack them up repeatedly!” Jockey advised his grandchildren as he took the lead through the level, with Tiny and Diddy agreeing with this sentiment as they continued to follow Jockey’s lead, with Dixie still in too much of a peppery mood to say anything about the matter as she continued to knock down Kreepy Korsairs in frustration. Soon enough, the Kongs had reached the end of the level, where a treasure chest painted in ghostly colors with a silver colored Kremling skull with crimson red eyes for a lock awaited them. Busting open the lock and grabbing the Primate Print piece out of the chest, Jockey held up the map segment in triumph before leading his grandchildren out of there, towards the second level of the Wraithchester Parkway area; Man of La Manky.
This second level of the area took place inside an abandoned old windmill that the Kongs had to traverse in order to reach the treasure chest waiting for them at the top. Along the way, they had to fight more Kreepy Korsairs, as well as spectral counterparts to an old foe of theirs; Manky Kongs, with these spectral counterparts being named Morty Kongs. “For some reason, ever since my old buddy, Conker the Squirrel became King of the far-off Panther Kingdom, I’ve been having these weird dreams about old windmills like this falling apart on top of me out of nowhere. Fortunately, since they’re just dreams, the debris from those collapsing windmills can’t actually harm me. But it’s still weird that I’ve been having those dreams so frequently after Conker rose to the throne of the Panther Kingdom.” Diddy admitted to his family as the four of them made their way through the old windmill they currently found themselves inside of while toppling Kreepy Korsairs and fending off Morty Kongs on their way to top of the windmill.
“If you’ve been having those dreams ever since Conker rose to the throne of that kingdom, my guess is that Conker’s got something to do with windmills falling apart. Or at the very least, someone or something that Conker happens to be associated with.” Dixie pointed out in response to her boyfriend’s statement as she simultaneously combated the Kreepy Korsairs and Morty Kongs lingering around the windmill.
“That does sound like the most reasonable deduction as to why Diddy’s been having those dreams, sis. I’m not gonna lie, as revolutionary the Rareware age of our ape escapades was, at times, it was also nuttier than a fruitcake, but that’s to be expected given the kooky imagination those blokes over at Rareware sometimes showed.” Tiny Kong gave her ten cents of Dixie Kong’s ideas regarding Diddy’s windmill-related dreams.
“You could say that again. At times, it made me glad that Rareware never asked me to come around to star in one of their Donkey Kong games, because I’d honestly be worried how they’d be able to break my middle-aged ape brains with their fruitcake ideas.” Jockey Kong pitched in his musings regarding Rareware’s industrial age during the 1990s under Nintendo’s figurative wings. Nevertheless, the four Kongs made their way up to the top of the windmill in a timely manner before cracking open the treasure chest that was waiting up there for them. Diddy grabbed the next segment of the Primate Print out of it and held it up in triumph as he did so. The Kongs then were quick to make their way towards the third level that made up the Wraithchester Parkway area - Army of Donkness.
This third level took place within the ruins of what appeared to be an old fortress, with the prominent enemies being a lone Scarabucca, a fivesome of Bruitioners, a couple of Klumps dressed in fancy maritime apparel named Krocketeers, who were armed with Rocket Launchers, a soccer team’s number of Klampons, a couple of tiny Kremlings dual-wielding semi-automatic shotguns named Kombatants, a handful of Rongeurchiers, porcupine-esque enemies named Flakies and a couple of Zingers. “Who or what could have built these structures around here? And for what purpose? And most important, why were they abandoned?” Tiny Kong pondered out loud as she glanced around the ruins she and the other Kongs found themselves soldiering on through, gunning down enemies with her Feather Bow as she did so. Diddy, Dixie and Jockey shrugged their shoulders in response, humming inquisitively for emphasis that they were just as confused regarding the matter as Tiny was.
“I have no idea, lass. But one thing’s for sure, and that’s the reasonable assumption that whoever had these structures built couldn’t have been up to any good given the amount of bullet holes and the like that are left over from whatever battle took place out here.” Jockey Kong pointed out as he looked at the bullet holes that could be seen within the withered remains of the walls that once made up the fortress.
“Jockey’s right on the nose with that sentiment, Tiny. And seeing as there’s still Kremlings and other generic goons roaming around here that happen to be up to no good, it goes to show that these abandoned architectural monstrosities are still operative in spite of how stripped down and rugged they are.” Dixie Kong chimed in her agreements with Jockey’s musings regarding the area while she roundhouse kicked the caca out of the enemies she was up against, Diddy Kong assisting her in doing so.
“True that. Lots of megastructures built over the years might have been abandoned with time, but if they’re still standing and happen to be functional enough for whatever purpose the latest occupants see fit, they can be of great use to said occupants. I’ve seen it happen from time to time in the Real World, or Earth, on the rare occasion I went there together with Mario and his friends.” Diddy Kong added onto the statements that his grandfather and girlfriend made while lobbing peanut shells from his Popguns into the faces of his foes.
“I suppose the three of you are right. Let’s clean out these ruins of their current Kremling occupants so that they won’t be used for all the wrong reasons that much longer, yeah?” Tiny Kong suggested upon having taken all of the reasoning of the other three Kongs into consideration, continuously launching deadly feathers from her Feather Bow at the oncoming array of enemies, each enemy dropping in defeat with each successfully nailed shot in consecutive fashion in the process. Keeping up this strategy until the end of the level was reached, Tiny Kong smacked the lock off the treasure chest sitting there before nicking the next shred of the Primate Print out of it, holding it up in triumph like her fellow Kongs had done before her. “Kong-derful! We’re really making some progress out here, so let’s keep this up and send those kooky Kremlings into Kong-demnation even further!” Tiny Kong suggested in a delightful tone of voice as she took the lead, the rest of the Kongs following her on over to the fourth level of the Wraithchester Parkway area - Rondo of Bruitioners.
This fourth level took place within a murky lagoon located in the center of Wraithchester Parkway that was infested with Bruitioners, hence the level’s name. Apart from that, the level also held a couple of Scarabuccas, Klampons and Flakies for the Kongs to face. Upon entering the level, the Kongs found an armored motorboat docked at a withered wooden dock, and they each raised a curious eyebrow with an equally curious hum as they glanced at the armored motorboat. “Now, ain’t this mighty helpful? Whoever left this motorboat docked here also happened to leave the keys to it in the ignition slot as well! So let’s take it for a spin across these crummy waters, shall we?” Dixie Kong suggested with a cheeky grin as she hopped into the armored motorboat’s driver seat while Diddy, Tiny and Jockey hopped into the three passenger seats. Dixie then turned on the boat engine before taking off across the dank, smelly surface of the lagoon.
“Swarm of Bruitioners at twelve o’clock! You keep this thing on the water, Dixie, and Tiny and I will keep those pesky dragonflies at bay!” Diddy suggested to his girlfriend as he pulled out his Peanut Popguns while Tiny readied her Feather Bow in subsequent fashion, Dixie flashing a thumbs up in agreement with that idea. Jockey decided to just kick back and relax for the time being, not really having any firearms to use against the oncoming array of Bruitioners, but not really minding this either, so he simply put his hands behind his head as he waited for this boat trip to blow over. “Hail to the Kong, baby!” Diddy grinned as he began gunning down the Bruitioners that began flying at the Kongs’ boat in a blinding rage.
“Eat this, you darned dragonflies! You do not want to mess with a monkey shooting feathers from a crossbow!” Tiny fiercely said to the Bruitioners as she assisted Diddy in taking out the swarm of buggy baddies with her Feather Bow, each Bruitioner that was struck down dropping into the murky lagoon waters with a pained buzzing sound. “We know the Kremling Krew paid you off to be here and get in our way!” Tiny then told the Bruitioners as she continued to gun them down with Diddy’s assistance.
“I’m one tough Kong with these pistols out, and when the going gets tough, then I get going!” Diddy smirked as he continued to empty peanut shell magazines into the constantly oncoming waves of evildoers, his girlfriend Dixie continuing to steer the boat across the lagoon while this happened and Jockey watched the situation play out in front of him in amusement, an equally amusing smirk resting on his face the whole time. “I’ve come here to chew banana gum, and kick butt! And I’m all outta banana gum!” Diddy continued to taunt the Bruitioners as he continued to simultaneously open fire at them.
“Klampons at nine o’clock! I’ll get rid of them!” Tiny informed the others as she shot down the assaulting Klampons that leapt off the ridges they were resting on when the motorboat the Kongs were riding in came close to them. “No clappy-jawed Kremling is gonna make a monkey outta me!” Tiny then smirked after successfully fending off the Klampons that attacked the Kongs’ boat before resuming in lending her assistance to Diddy with shooting the neverending stream of Bruitioners flying towards the Kongs’ hijacked vessel.
“Scarabuccas at three o’clock! I’ll make sure they won’t do any harm to us!” Diddy warned the other Kongs as he began opening fire on the attacking Scarabuccas that hopped off a withered old tree branch that was drifting on the surface of the lagoon once they spotted the Kongs approaching in their boat, the Scarabuccas making dying buzzing noises as they were shot out by the male spidermonkey. “Looks like these beetles won’t be making it to their Yellow Submarine anytime soon, hee-hah!” Diddy giggled at his intentionally bad joke.
“You could say that again, Diddy! But you can bet your buttons that there’s gonna be more where that came from!” Tiny Kong chimed in her ten cents as she pushed on her clobbering spree against the still assailing posse of Bruitioners with her Feather Bow, the dragonfly-esque toadies letting out pained squeals as they landed in the lagoon waters with a splash. “Looks like these dimbrains aren’t as fly as a dragon in spite of their species.” Tiny chuckled at her own intentionally bad joke, Diddy humming his agreement in response. “Tell me about it, Tiny. And would you look at that? We’re almost at the end of the level! Just gotta get past this posse of porcupines to do so!” Diddy pointed out as the trio of Flakies appeared over the horizon in what appeared to be a combat submersible that they used to fight back against the Kongs. “Poor Cupines…” Diddy sarcastically quipped whilst shaking his head in an equally sarcastic manner before beginning to unleash a peanut shellfire upon the Flakies and their combat submersible, Tiny joining him in doing so with a storm of feathers from her crossbow. “You really wanna perish for that crazy old Kremling King?!” Diddy asked the Flakies as he continued to shoot at their submersible.
“You spiny scoundrels make a monkey like me sick!” Tiny also scolded the Flakies as she fired multiple rounds of ammunition at their submersible in an attempt to sink it into the lagoon below. The Flakies then fired Orange Grenades from the cannon mounted on the front of their submersible, with Dixie running evasive maneuvers in the Kongs’ boat in response. “You really are a bunch of felons to the melons, aren’t you?” Tiny then asked the ever not-talkative Flakies as she continued to shoot at them with her crossbow while Diddy laid down supportive fire with his Peanut Popguns.
“Just get outta here already!” Diddy yelled at the Flakies as he continued to pump Peanut Popgun lead into their submersible, which was beginning to show signs of being damaged, with smoke emitting from it. Nevertheless, the Flakies continued to push on in their fight against the Kongs and their armored motorboat, firing off a couple more Orange Grenades from the front cannon at it, with Dixie yet again running evasive maneuvers in response. “We’re not your enemies, pinheads!” Diddy then told the Flakies as he continued to unleash peanut shellfire on them, the Flakies’ submersible becoming more damaged in the process.
“If you wanna play on your golden harps, be our guest!” Tiny then shouted at the Flakies while laying down another firestorm of feathers on their combat vessel, which slowly but surely began to reach damage level to the point of no repair, the smoke emitting from it beginning to darken and thicken in doing so. “I think we almost got them! Keep it up, and they should be sinking real soon!” Tiny informed Diddy as she continued to shoot at the Flakies and their sub, with the male spidermonkey flashing an “okay” sign with his hand in response before resuming his rampage against the porcupines and their maritime battle machine, eventually destroying it as it began to sink into the murky depths of the lagoon, the three Flakies that were piloting it each holding up a white flag indicating their surrender as they went down with their ship. Dixie grinned and gave a thumbs up as she drove the boat towards the end of the level before the Kongs hopped out the boat and cracked open the treasure chest waiting for them, with Diddy quickly grabbing the next segment of the Primate Print stashed away inside before laughing giddily in triumph.
“That’ll teach those brawling bums not to mess with the Kong Clan!” Diddy giggled before he and his family began to make their way towards the fifth level of Wraithchester Parkway; Webstinction Junction. As the name of the level suggested, the Kongs had to cross through treacherous backwoods while assuming the form of one of their Animal Friends, Squitter the Spider. Dixie and Tiny were obviously not impressed by having transformed into one of the things they happen to be afraid of, but had no choice but to endure it for the time being.
“...Welcome to the Underwhere, I guess.” Dixie sarcastically quipped as she followed the other Kongs as they began to cross through the backwoods in their newly assumed arachnid forms, using their new web-creating abilities to make their across the many pitfalls that awaited them while avoiding the many Kremlings that tried to get in their way, including Krembades, Krocketeers, Kremploders, Kombatants, and a handful of generic Kremling-serving goons like Mini-Neckies, Rongeurchiers and Zingers.
“Relax, Dixie. By the time we’ve reached the end of this level and grabbed the next piece of the map, everything will be okay.” Diddy assured his girlfriend while continuing to shoot webs in order to make his way across the various gaps and pick off the various enemies that stood in the Kongs’ way. “It’s been a while since we’ve actually had to assume the form of one of our Animal Friends rather than simply riding on their backs, though, I’ll say that much.” The male spidermonkey then stated as he continued to put his new spider-powers to good use.
“Can’t say I’ve ever had to do so before during one of our adventures, since my very first starring role in one of Donkey Kong’s games was in 1999, at the very end of the Rareware era. And my memory of that adventure is a bit foggy.” Tiny gave her ten cents on the subject matter of turning into Animal Friends in a Donkey Kong game. Jockey hummed his agreement with Tiny’s sentiments in response.
“Me neither, but I gotta feel that it’s pretty surreal walking around on eight legs like this. It’ll take some time getting used to, but I’m sure that the upsides of being able to do things that I couldn’t do before will make the learning curves more than worth it.” Jockey chimed in on top of his grandchildren’s musings about their current predicament while continuing to make their way through the backwoods in their newly assumed arachnid forms. Eventually though, they came across a No Animal Sign, and upon passing it, the Kongs transformed back into their regular selves, causing Dixie to sigh in relief that she was no longer in spider form.
“Thank Grambi that’s over and done with…for now. Because I have no doubt that we’ll have to assume the form of Squitter again at some future point during our journey.” Dixie said with a shake of her head, a dismayed frown curling her lips as she did so. Nevertheless, the Kongs bust open the treasure chest and nicked the Primate Print chunk out of it. They then hurried along to make their way towards the sixth level of Wraithchester Parkway; Arid Alley.
This sixth and final regular level before the Kongs could challenge the Big Boss of Wraithchester Parkway was set within a plain of mist-covered sandy hills with a number of skeletal variants of Krocketeers stationed throughout, these skeletal variants being named Kagey Krocketeers. Other enemies that the Kongs had to face throughout this level were skeletal variants of Kremploders named Krusty Kremploders, Morty Kongs, and a handful of Awks and Rawks. “What a horrible night to have a curse…The curse of having to face all these boney Kremling bums.” Dixie grumbled as she and the Kongs began to make their way through the fogged up fields of sand while taking out their undead adversaries.
“Yeah, I’ll say. I’ll be glad by the time we get out of these withered dark landscapes and the sacred night will yield to the breaking dawn.” Diddy hesitantly agreed with his girlfriend’s gripes about the bleak nightfall that hung over Wraithchester Parkway while cartwheeling his way through the oncoming hordes of skeletal Kremlings along the way to the end of the level. Meanwhile, Tiny roundhouse kicked her way through the skeletal menace she and the rest of the Kongs were currently up against, humming her agreement with Diddy and Dixie’s sentiments at the same time. “Even I’ll admit that I’m getting sick of monkeying around in these darkness coated banks, so I suggest that we grab the last piece of the map as fast as we can, then fight it out with the Big Boss that King K. Rool has posted out here so we can nick their Kremkoin and depart for more bright blessed pastures.” Tiny then voiced her ideas to the rest of the Kongs before continuing to combat the undead Kremlings by kicking the everloving nightmares out of them. Jockey also hummed his agreement with his grandchildren’s musings whilst slugging multiple Kremlings in their shriveled up maw.
“That’s why it’s important to keep your morale high, kids! Only then will you be able to muster the energy you need to survive the areas of the world you would rather not hang around in for too long!” The middle-aged gorilla shared some more of his words of wisdom with the trio of younger monkeys before continuing to bash the motherloving baubles out of his eerie enemies along the way towards the end of the level.
“Just do what granddad says, and we should be A-OK for the remainder of our journey through eerie places like this!” Diddy then told Dixie with a reassuring smile, with Dixie hesitantly smiling and nodding in response as the Kongs began to break into the final stretch of the level, clobbering the final troops of Kremlings that stood in their way of completing it. Once they had done so, they broke open the treasure chest waiting there for them, snatching the last segment of the Primate Print hidden away in Wraithchester Parkway, high fiving one another in victorious euphoria upon doing this. “Woohoo! We got all the pieces of the map in this area! Now we just gotta take care of King K. Rool’s smarmy shot caller posted in this area and pry the Kremkoin they’re guarding away from them!” Diddy cheered happily, Dixie, Tiny and Jockey humming their agreement just as happily as they began making their way towards the Wraithchester Parkway boss level; Kreepy Karibbean.
The boss level took place inside the foyer of an abandoned old manor stood on a hill top at the very end of Wraithchester Parkway, where, upon entering, the Kongs were ambushed by the undead spirit of Admiral Karibbean, Kreepy Karibbean. The Kongs yelped in fright upon seeing the spectral admiral in front of them, who laughed evilly at the Kongs’ reaction to seeing him. “I’m back, Kongs! And you won’t stop me this time! Once I’m done with you, I’ll add the four of you to my ethereal corps!” Kreepy Karibbean taunted the Kongs before engaging them in battle once more, shaking up his battle strategy from his first encounter with the primate protagonists by sending a trio of flaming Kremling skulls after the Kongs, alongside a Kremling skull that wasn’t on fire. Once the Kongs jumped on this non-fiery skull, a Barrel ended up spawning. Jockey Kong grabbed the Barrel, after which Kreepy Karibbean attempted to skewer the middle-aged gorilla with his spectral sword, but Jockey parried the attack by chucking the Barrel at the ghostly admiral, causing him to yelp in pain, apparently still capable of being damaged by solid objects in spite of being transparent and intangible in body. “Curse you, Kongs!” Kreepy Karibbean snarled at the Kongs.
Kreepy Karibbean then began to retreat deeper into the abandoned manor, arriving in a utility room, with the Kongs pursuing him there. “Run as you may, you cannot escape the Almighty Kong-hole!” Diddy Kong mischievously giggled as he tagged Jockey Kong, thus leaping into battle in place of his grandfather and facing the ethereal Kremling Kommander. The red-clad chimpanzee then began dodging the fivesome of burning Kremling skulls that Kreepy Karibbean sent after him, then hopped on top of the regular skull that he also sent alongside the burning ones, spawning another Barrel that he quickly flung at Kreepy Karibbean, damaging him and prompting another painful scream from the admiral’s undead spirit in response. Kreepy Karibbean then quickly hightailed it out of there, even deeper into the abandoned manor, arriving in the manor’s ballroom with the Kongs still hot on his heels.
“You Kongs have been lucky the first time we met, and you’ve been lucky so far over the course of this second encounter, but that luck can’t last forever! Spectral Swords, deploy!” Kreepy Karibbean declared as he summoned a large pair of spectral swords to aid him in battle, the swords continuously swooping down at the Kongs, forcing them to leap out of the way to avoid being hit, in addition to having to dodge the septet of heat-coated Kremling skulls that Kreepy Karibbean sent after them as well as a lone regular Kremling skull. Diddy then bounced on top of the regular skull to make another Barrel appear, which he promptly tossed at Kreepy Karibbean, causing the ghostly admiral to let out an agonizing roar before exploding into a million ectoplasmic pieces, leaving behind a Kremkoin in the process.
“I don’t think that maritime monster won’t be bothering us a third time, or any time after, for that matter!” Diddy grinned towards his grandfather, girlfriend and sister in-law while placing his hands on his hips in a celebratory demeanor, then grabbing the Kremkoin left behind in the wake of Kreepy Karibbean’s defeat. “Come on, let’s get outta here and make our way towards the next stop of our journey!” Diddy Kong called to his family in an attempt to boost their morale before the quarter of Kongs bolted out of there. They then got back on Jockey Kong’s motorcycle before departing towards the seventh destination of their adventure; Ape Arctic. As the name suggested, the area was an arctic wasteland with many snowy and icy landscapes, caves and ravines spread throughout, thus rendering movement quite tricky for the Kongs due to the slippery grounds that were located around the area.
Fortunately for the Kongs, by the time they arrived at Ape Arctic, the sun had risen again, not only illuminating the area in daylight, but also brightening the Kongs’ emotive state as well. “Brrrr, if I’d known we’d be moving through a frozen tundra like this on our journey, I’d have packed a winter coat when we left…” Diddy shivered a little bit, Dixie humming her agreement with this sentiment while also shivering. “Ah well, that’s one of those things you always consider in hindsight.” Diddy then shrugged it off, Dixie once again humming her agreement, before the Kongs proceeded to arrive at the first level of Ape Arctic; Snowfield Shimmy. The level was a simple outdoor snowy one, where the Kongs had to make their way through the snowfields while leaping over pitfalls and conking the Kremling Krew’s Kutthroats that roamed out here, such as Klaptraps, a lone Kremploder, and a bunch of generic goons that served the Kremling Krew, such as Gnawties, Neckies and Zingers.
“Chattering cherries, I don’t think I’ve ever seen wintry wonderlands like this back when I was in circulation. So I feel quite privileged to be able to see them during this particular journey.” Tiny Kong remarked as she looked around the frosty landmass she and the other heroes were currently marching through, shooting at the Kremling Krew’s toadies with her Feather Bow along the way towards the end of the level.
“I haven’t seen arctic moors like this since my old man and I were on the run with Mayor Pauline of New Donk City in ‘94, so it’s been a while for me since I’ve stomped around on these types of grounds myself!” Jockey Kong chimed in on Tiny Kong’s sentiments while roughing up reptilian rogues with his rugged and built old fists while trekking through the snowy walkways to reach the level’s end zone. Before long, the Kongs had made it to said end zone, where another treasure chest waited for them next to the entrance of an igloo. The treasure chest was an icy blue color, with the lock on it appearing to be covered in a brown fur pelt. Jockey Kong then loosened the lock off the chest before raiding the contents of the chest, which happened to be a pack of four winter coats, mittens and boots in addition to the next segment of the Primate Print.
“Well, what do you know? We didn’t have to pack winter clothes after all, since those silly old Kremlings did it for us!” Diddy Kong giggled as he put on his newly obtained winter clothes, with the rest of the Kongs doing the same thing while humming their agreement with Diddy’s musings. “Well, let’s head on over to the next level, which I’m sure this igloo will lead us to.” Diddy then suggested as he took the lead by venturing inside the igloo, the rest of the Kongs following his lead, heading to the second level of Ape Arctic; Teetering Tunnels.
Teetering Tunnels took place inside an icy cavern with a lot of slippery slopes for the Kongs to climb up and down, alongside a number of Kremlings and hostile species allied with them to stand in the Kongs’ way, such as Armies, Klaptraps, Korsairs, Neckies and Zingers. “It’s treacherous grounds like this that bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “Don’t let the good things slip away”, don’t you guys think?” Dixie Kong asked the others, who voiced their affirmations in response as they made their way through the chilly caves, trying to make it to the exit while fighting off the Kremling Krew and their comrades.
“It’s also treacherous grounds like this that make me understand as to why Nintendo implemented the Penguin Suit into New Super Mario Bros Wii - Players could surely use the traction while walking on these icy undergrounds.” Diddy Kong chimed in onto his girlfriend’s musings regarding the perilous plains the heroes were currently crossing. He then pulled out his Peanut Popguns to take out a couple of crooked crocodiles that blocked the Kongs’ way. Once those were done, they were free to continue on towards the end zone.
“Yes, New Super Mario Bros Wii players don’t know how lucky they have it with their Penguin Suits to improve traction on these slick walkways. Back in the day, you’d have to plan your moves across the ice accordingly so that you wouldn’t accidentally go teetering off the edge of a frosty platform to your doom.” Tiny Kong added onto Diddy’s statement before chuckling as she realized something funny. “Hey, I’m beginning to sound just like Cranky Kong. Guess his gripes about modern day gaming are starting to make sense to me in my grown-up age.” The younger of the Kong Sisters then mused out loud, prompting a chuckle from Diddy, Dixie and Jockey in response.
“Ain’t that the Grambi honest truth? When you’re a restless youngster with nary a care, my old man’s ramblings sound like incoherent nagging. But when you get to be at a more wise and cautious age, you begin to appreciate the pearls of wisdom he dispenses. But that’s what stuff like Cranky’s musings are catered to be; Annoying and unnecessary for youthful tomfoolery, but helpful and relatable for those who have lived and learned.” Jockey Kong gave his ten cents on the conversation taking place, to which Diddy, Dixie and Tiny once again voiced their agreement. Soon enough, however, the end zone of the level was reached, allowing the Kongs to unlock the next treasure chest and claim the next shred of the Primate Print. From there, the Kongs made their way to the third level of Ape Arctic; Frosty Flurry Borough. It took place in another outdoor snowy level, though this time, a snowstorm had rolled in to hinder the Kongs throughout.
“Boy, am I glad we managed to find those winter clothes back there. Because they sure come in handy during these gleaming gale force winds…” Diddy Kong remarked as he tried to shield his eyes from the snowflakes bombarding his face, his fellow Kongs doing the same thing as they slowly began to trudge through the stormy snowfields. Fortunately, the Kongs found a bell attached to a tree close by the start of the level, with a sign that read: “Ring ten times to summon Expresso the Ostrich”, so Diddy rang the bell ten times in a rapid fashion, after which Expresso the Ostrich came dashing over the snowy hills at top speed, skidding to a stop in front of the Kongs. “Not a moment too soon, Expresso! We could really use your feet of lightning to get through this snowstorm!” Diddy informed Expresso, who squawked his acknowledgement of the situation, then allowed Diddy and Dixie to mount on his back, in which the two monkeys did. A short distance ahead hung another bell from a tree, this one having a sign that read: “Ring ten times to summon Rambi the Rhinoceros”, so Tiny did just that, after which Rambi the Rhinoceros also came running over the snowy hills as fast as his hooves could carry him before skidding to a stop in front of the Kongs like Expresso did before him, making high pitched squealing noises typical of a rhinoceros.
“Good day to you too, Rambi. We could really use your assistance in getting through these snowy moors, if it’s not too much to ask.” Tiny explained to Rambi, who squealed in acknowledgement before letting Tiny and Jockey mount his back, which they did. “Many thanks in advance for coming to our aid again, old chum.” Tiny gratefully told Rambi. With both Kongs now having an Animal Friend to ride on, they began to take off through the frosty walkways, thick snowflakes continuing to rain down upon them along the way to the level’s end zone. A septet of Klaptraps, a lone Korsair, a trio of Manky Kongs, a fivesome of Mini-Neckies and a fivesome of regular Neckies made up the posse of perpetrators that tried to hinder the Kongs’ progress throughout the level, though with the assistance of Expresso and Rambi in favor of the Kong Family, that effort proved to be futile.
“I’m glad to know that even after our high days of adventure, we still have a plethora of Animal Friends who got our backs when we need them during our newly dawning days of adventure in the 2020s era.” Diddy remarked with a smile as he and Dixie continued to ride on Expresso’s back, with the ostrich continuing to run as fast as his long legs could carry him. Dixie smiled and nodded her agreement with her boyfriend.
“Exactly. Even our last adventure, Tropical Freeze back in 2014, we had a couple of them we could rely on, such as Rambi and Squawks. And Professor Chops too, if you count his services of running checkpoint booths across the many archipelagos we visited during that adventure. Or the HD version of Donkey Kong Country Returns, seeing as I was brought in by Nintendo to shake things up a bit for that particular version of the game.” Dixie mused out loud towards Diddy, who nodded his agreement in return.
“Monkey muscle! You can say what you want about ol’ Rambi, but he’s consistently remained your partner in-crime across all the adventures you’ve had over the 1990s all the way through to the 2010s!” Jockey told Tiny as the two of them continued to ride on Rambi’s back all the way to the end zone of the level, to which Tiny hummed her affirmation in response. “And if our adventures are going to continue well into the latter half of the 2020s like they are now, I certainly wouldn’t mind having ol’ Rambi around for them as well!” Jockey then added onto that statement, Tiny humming her agreement yet again. “You could say that, granddad. I don’t care what Nintendo says, but the Kong Family is returning to the gaming screens without their say-so, whether they like it or not. After leaving us to fade into obscurity all these years, we’ve decided that enough is enough, and we’re going to run our own ventures of gaming without them needing to craft them for us.” Tiny spoke like an inspirational revolutionary figure, Jockey grinning as he nodded his agreement with the younger Kong Sister’s words of inspiration.
“Couldn’t agree more, lass! Now let’s hurry along, we’re almost outta the snowstorm and into the end zone, and from there, we’re moving on over to the next area of the frozen wastelands we’re currently caught up in!” Jockey responded to Tiny, the two riding on Rambi’s back still as the rhinoceros continued mowing down Kremlings with his sheer strength, while Expresso also mowed down Kremlings with his incredible running speed. Before long, the Kongs had reached the end zone, where the snowstorm had fully cleared up by now, our heroes dismounting from Expresso and Rambi’s backs before thanking their Animal Friends for their assistance in getting through, with the Animal Friends acknowledging their gratitude and informing them to call them again some time if they needed their help once more further down the line on their adventure.
Once Expresso and Rambi went on their merry way into the snowy mountains once more, the Kongs proceeded to crack open the treasure chest that sat in the end zone, nabbing the slice of the Primate Print stashed away inside of it, then ducking into the igloo stationed next to the treasure chest as the heroes made their way towards the fourth level of Ape Arctic; Frigid Flow, which took place underwater, in a very cold river for the Kongs to swim through.
And that’s a wrap on Part 3 of Diddy Kong Country! I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope you’re looking forward to Part 4 in Issue 230! Apologies for keeping these Author’s Notes so brief, but I’m on a bit of a tight deadline here, so that’s why Author’s Notes this month are so short! Anyhoo, see y’all next month!
When Sparks Fly
Written by: Boo1268 and Cloudwalker
It's another beautiful day in Crown City; birds are singing, flowers are blooming, and the snow is finally melting as winter comes to a close. On this slightly cloudy but still sunny day, we find the protagonist of this simple little tale of ours, the one and only Cloudwalker, casually flying through Crown City to find a place to eat. Unbeknownst to Cloudwalker, this calm, cloudy day is about to bring on a storm, as Cloudwalker takes a quick stop at the Yoshi Café for lunch before she starts running her errands for Mario Kart Television. As Cloudwalker sits down at a table, a strange sunflower seed girl comes up to her.
Sunny: Hello there! Welcome to the Yoshi Café! I'm Sunny, your waiter for today. Can I get you something to drink, dear?
Cloudwalker: Sure! I’ll have some water, please.
Sunny: Sure thing! Now, do you wanna take a minute to look at the menu or are you ready to order?
Cloudwalker: I think I’m ready to order, actually. Could I get a milkshake?
Sunny: Strawberry, vanilla or chocolate?
Cloudwalker: Strawberry!
Sunny: Sure thing, dear, anything else?
Cloudwalker: I think that’s good. Thanks!
Sunny: No problem, I'll have that out for you in just a few moments.
As Sunny walks away from Cloudwalker's table, a new patron enters the Café; a Hot Head radiating with electrical energy. As sparks fly all across the Hot Head’s body, Cloudwalker’s eyes are drawn to the Hot Head. Seeing his unhinged smile makes her feel a tiny bit nervous, as he sits down at the table next to hers.
Toad waiter: Hello, good sir! Welcome to the Yoshi Café. What can I get you on this fine evening?
Sparky: Can I get a shockberry salad with extra ranch?
Toad waiter: Sure thing, sir, anything to drink?
Sparky: Nah, I'm all good.
Toad waiter: Alright sir, I'll be back with your salad shortly.
Sparky: Make it quick, a sigma male like me has places to be.
After a few minutes, Sunny comes back with Cloudwalker’s water and says that the milkshake will be out soon; Cloudwalker just needs to come get it at the front once they say her order number.
Cloudwalker: Alright, thanks!
At around the same time, the Toad waiter says the same thing to Sparky; after a minute, Sparky's order number is called, followed then by Cloudwalker’s a moment after. As Sparky picks up his order at the front, Cloudwalker comes by to grab her shake, only to find that it's not there! Confused, Cloudwalker goes to ask the Toad waiter where her shake is.
Cloudwalker: Hey, uh, sir, did you happen to see where my milkshake went? It was right here, but now, it’s, uh, not…
Toad waiter: Oh, I'm sorry, I seem to have misplaced it, perhaps that gentleman over there can help you.
Turning to where the Toad is pointing, Cloudwalker sees Sparky having quickly consumed his salad and is about to drink her shake! Cloudwalker quickly floats over to Sparky to hopefully clear up some confusion.
Cloudwalker: H-hey, sir, that’s my milkshake. I think you grabbed mine by accident.
Sparky looks back and forth at Cloudwalker and the milkshake; he then grabs the shake and seems to be prepared to give it back to her, only to then chug the whole shake in one gulp, before shrugging and floating away, putting a few coins down on the table alongside the glass.
Cloudwalker: HEY! Not cool…
Sparky: Sorry beta, you snooze you lose.
Cloudwalker: Could you at least give me a refund for that…?
Sparky: HA! Sure! Here! Take this and make a REAL investment!
Sparky then throws Cloudwalker a strange looking coin; on closer inspection, it's unfortunately a crypto coin, in physical form. The coins Sparky used to pay for his meal also seem to be crypto coins, which in truth only have value online and are basically useless.
Cloudwalker: …in real currency, please?
Sparky then turns around, scratching his head, seemingly confused about her response.
Sparky: Like bro, what do you mean REAL currency? That IS real! Only the biggest SIGMA MALES use crypto! It's the way of the future!
Cloudwalker: Not the way of the right now, though. Could I have actual coins?
Sparky: UUGH, you betas are all the same, “that's not real money” or “I can't use this in a store!” You betas are all thinking in the PAST, it's time to evolve and look to the future! Gold coins are gonna be crap and then CRYPTO will be king! It's just the way us sigma males gotta evolve…BUT!
Sparky then moves next to Cloudwalker, putting his arm over her shoulder and leaning in to whisper in her ear.
Sparky: If you WANT, I COULD have you invest in my latest business venture, super protein powder, if you just donate-
As Cloudwalker moves away from Sparky, she wipes her shoulder, as if to get the feel of Sparky off her.
Cloudwalker: I'm gonna stop you right there. Ew, no.
Sparky: Fine, you wanna be a beta then go ahead, otherwise I'm gonna be a SIGMA MALE and go where I'm accepted for my greatness! See ya later puffy!
As Sparky leaves the Cafe, he transfers himself to the nearest powerline, heading off wherever he needs to go before Cloudwalker can protest.
Cloudwalker: I- wh- UGH.
Sunny: Is everything alright ma’am?
Cloudwalker: No, some guy stole my milkshake, paid me back in CRYPTO, and ran off.
Sunny: I'm very sorry miss, can we give you a complementary shake on the house?
Cloudwalker: I’d appreciate it… thanks…
After enjoying her now vanilla shake, Cloudwalker begins her errands around the city, picking up papers, objects, filling out forms, the works; however, by her fourth errand, she comes across a very unpleasant face while at the electronics store to pick up another order.
Cloudwalker: …oh, come on.
Sparky: And I'll take that voltage adapter bro, gotta make sure I'm getting the most of my home's power supply!
Cheep Cheep: Whatever you say, sir.
Sparky, with a bag of seemingly random electronics in hand, then turns and faces Cloudwalker who looks visibly annoyed.
Sparky: Well well well, look who it is! The beta I met earlier today! What? You following me around, so you can get a glimpse at how much of a SIGMA MALE I am?
Cloudwalker: Eugh, no. I’m here to pick up an order for MKTV.
Sparky: Don't deny it puffy! Everyone LOVES me! Especially the ladies, but anyhow since I got ya here, I wanna extend my offer to you again. I'm investing in a HUGE business venture, it's called super protein powder!
Cloudwalker: …you don’t know when to quit, do you. Say, how much money have you lost on that already?
Sparky: Well if you MUST know, being the SIGMA MALE that I am, I've invested almost 300 coins into this and even more in the future! And when my business plan is finally complete, I'm gonna be SWIMMING in coins!
Cloudwalker: 300?! You’re hopeless…
Sparky scoffs at the comment, as he floats away, he puts some crypto coins on the counter and exits through the front door of the shop, before casually floating away.
Cloudwalker: …that guy scares me. Oh, uh, Mr. Cheep, uh, I’m here to, uh, pick up an order for MKTV?
Cheep Cheep: Ah yes that replacement camera lens, I have it in the back, just hold on for a moment.
After retrieving the camera lens, Cloudwalker continues to complete her errands. After several more chores, she meets Sparky again on her way to pick up flowers from a store.
Cloudwalker: You have got to be kidding me.
Sparky then turns to see Cloud again this time even MORE annoyed than before, all the while smiling at her.
Sparky: PUFFY, good to see you! I was right wasn't I? No beta can RESIST following a SIGMA MALE like me around!
Sparky then sees the flowers and grins even bigger, the grin creeping Cloudwalker out even more than before.
Sparky: SAYYYYY! Are those for me? Aw, you shouldn't have puffy! I know, I know, it's not every day you meet such a FINE specimen like me, eh?
Cloudwalker’s body crackles with electricity for a small moment, appearing agitated.
Cloudwalker: These are NOT for you! These happen to be for decorating my workplace on Valentine’s Day.
Sparky: OOOH, you got some spark to ya, ey? I like that! Say, how about after hours you and me can take a ride around the town, get some dinner, you know the works.
Cloudwalker: I do NOT like you!! Stop assuming that I do…
Sparky: HA! That's what they all say….in fact, here! ZAPPOW!
Suddenly shooting a bolt of electricity from his finger, Sparky zaps Cloudwalker's phone, instantly adding his number to her contacts.
Sparky: No need to thank me, I'll be expecting you to call later puffy, until then SEE YA!
Sparky then travels through a light fixture on the ceiling to his next destination, as Cloudwalker angrily checks her phone. Before she could delete the contact, she notices the time.
Cloudwalker: Augh! I’m going to be late!!
Before she leaves, the Bonneter manning the counter asks if Cloudwalker can give Sparky his receipt. Upon inspection, it appears that Sparky had bought out all of the dark chocolate bars using his crypto coins.
Cloudwalker begrudgingly agrees to and sets off, flying to her workplace at high speeds to make it there on time. As Cloudwalker arrives at the MKTV building, she notices that storm clouds are gathering overhead, seemingly about to rain. Normally she’d enjoy this, but rain is counterproductive when carrying electronic equipment. Thankfully, she makes it inside okay.
Cloudwalker: I’m… here… *wheeze*
Coworker: Great work Cloud! We're almost about to start! Oh by the way, thanks for the flowers! They really brighten up the room.
Cloudwalker: You’re welcome! I had to go through hell to get those…
???: Looks like it. Geez Cloud, you overwork yourself again? You need to learn when to take a break, girl.
Turning around to meet the face to the voice, it's Batz the Vamporcini. They usually work the night shift but are able to work day shifts, after four cups of coffee that is.
Cloudwalker: Oh, hey. I’m fine, I just ran into some rude guy who kept bothering me.
Batz: Aw man that sucks, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. This is why I'm a night mushroom and NOT a day one.
Cloudwalker: Thanks. I’d be shocked if I saw him again, though.
As the news begins to start, things seem to go as planned. That is, until partway through the broadcast, Cloud and her co-workers notice static starting to form on the camera monitors, until finally the broadcast is replaced with a static screen. Many of the workers scramble to get the program back on the air, meanwhile Batz calls out to Cloud, pulling her aside to show her something important.
Cloudwalker: Y-yes?
Batz: Now I don't want to cause even more of a panic, BUT I was looking at the company's funds and was about to make a transaction for all the stuff you bought today, but now...Look!
Cloudwalker watches in horror, as ALL the money from the MKTV savings is being withdrawn right before her very eyes, like someone slowly pouring out water from a large jug or container.
Cloudwalker: What the-?!
Batz: DON'T-shhh, don't make a scene! We don't want to make things WORSE, we just need to figure out where all that money has gone and FAST.
Cloudwalker: Well, it definitely wasn’t me… I still have the receipts from my purchases which proves that.
Pulling the receipts from her bag, Cloudwalker notices the receipt that Sparky had left behind, after thinking about her encounters with Sparky earlier today, Cloudwalker suddenly forms a theory.
Cloudwalker: Wait, that reminds me… that guy from earlier. I met him in a couple of stores, and each time, he would leave by means of an electric device. Could he… be in the systems, somehow? I don’t know what else could be the issue here… I might have given him the idea to rob this place by mentioning that I worked at MKTV…
As Cloud is talking to Batz, sounds start coming from the monitors. As the crew quickly turns towards them they expect the broadcast to have been fixed, but instead of the news broadcast, all it plays is a very cheesy advertisement for “Super Protein Choco Bars! Proven to give you the BEST fitness can offer! Wanna be a sigma male for that date of yours this Valentine's Day? Then order the Super Protein Choco Bars TODAY!” The audio continues to repeat over and over, annoying many of the workers.
Cloudwalker: …yep, that’s him.
Batz: What the heck is THIS!? How did this joker hack our broadcast!?
Cloudwalker: I don’t know… I have no clue how these broadcasts even work, to be honest…
A coworker chimes in saying that they tried rebooting the system but it doesn't work, the hack must be transmitting from the building's antenna.
Batz: But that's impossible! Who's crazy enough to be on the roof when it's raining!?
Cloudwalker: They might not be on the roof… I think they’re literally in the antenna. I’ll go check it out, I should be safe from the rain…
Flying quickly, Cloudwalker heads up to the roof to investigate the purported transmission. When she reaches the building’s top, she finds a large collection of mechanical parts all seemingly haphazardly slapped together. Despite this, the machine still runs with it being plugged in directly to the antenna. As Cloudwalker looks around to try and find the culprit behind this villainous act, she's instead greeted by him emerging from the machine itself.
Sparky: WELL, WELL, WELL, if it isn't the beta known as Puffy! Or should I say “Cloudwalker”? Gotta say, nice digs you got here Cloud, very corporate and cramped and FULL of electrical equipment, I LIKE IT!
Cloudwalker: How did you even figure out my- gah, whatever. Stop what you’re doing! This is a crime! It’s, uh, illegal! And bad! Not good! Very poor!
Sparky: You done? Good, cause I suppose it's time I explain how I did this to you mi amore…
Cloudwalker: I literally do not care! Just stop!
Suddenly in a flash of electricity, Cloud is PUNCHED right into the entrance to the stairs, before being pinned down by Sparky holding her in place, his sinister grin growing wider as he watches her squirm.
Sparky: THERE! Now I got you in hearing range AND in one place…Now where was I? OH YEAH! My super protein powder, so you know how I invested like a WHOLE bunch of coins into that? Well turns out, none of the betas of the world want to buy that from me, which was fair since that powder is TOTALLY bogus in the first place, but even still, I needed the crypto to get FLOWING! So I figured, why not put the things betas DON'T want into something they DO want? And then like lightning it HIT ME! Protein chocolate! So I bought out ALL the chocolates from the candy stores, and with a very hefty investment from your company, I'm gonna enter mass scale production of these puppies, and once I make bank, I'm gonna transfer ALL of it to crypto just to make even MORE money!
Cloudwalker, attempting to break free of Sparky, is unable to due to his stature. Giving up on the idea of escape, Cloudwalker thinks of a way to stop Sparky's sinister plot. Suddenly, Cloudwalker gets an idea.
Cloudwalker: Wait, what’s that machine you set up?
Sparky: That? OH YEAH, remember when we met at the parts store today? I whipped up that little baby to hack into your servers, steal all your cash, AND get some free advertisement out of the deal. It's a shame though, you could have helped me and not been such a beta male, helping your company instead of being free like ME!
Cloudwalker: Just one more question. Do you still need that machine?
Sparky: Uhhh yeah?
Cloudwalker: Good, good.
Cloudwalker suddenly flings a fireball from her hand at the conglomeration of parts, destroying it in one blow.
Cloudwalker: I control weather, y’know!
Sparky quickly lets go of Cloudwalker as he turns around to see the burning remains of his device, which are being quickly cooled by the rain, while holding his hands on his head in shock as to what just happened.
Sparky: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! MY COOL MACHINE! RAAAGH! YOU BETAS ARE ALL THE SAME! NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET IT DUDE!
Quickly, zapping over to where the machine once was, Sparky pulls out two Snapjaws and activates them.
Sparky: Lets hope you two were worth the purchase, GO!
Bonking the Snapjaws, they turn on moving towards Cloudwalker ready to chomp her. However, she quickly shorts them out with electricity, and they collapse on the roof, smoking.
Cloudwalker: …
Sparky: DAMIT! THESE SUCK! Alright then lets try THESE out for size, ey puffy?
Just then, pulling out a sack from behind the machine, Sparky activates two Mecha Fly Guys and launches them at Cloud, BUT not before handing them two fork lances and sending them out to attack.
Sparky: Go, do a crime!
Cloudwalker: Hey, wait! I remember these guys from a party game broadcast we did a while back!
Cloudwalker floats back a few feet. Just before the Mecha Fly Guys can reach her, they suddenly drop to the ground, having not been wound enough.
Sparky:....Shoot, aw well. Let's try THESE on for size!
Once again pulling from his sack, Sparky activates two Sir Shovalots with his electricity, sending them out towards Cloud. They pathetically rush into the wall and smash the grounded Mecha Fly Guys to bits, unable to hit Cloudwalker due to her floating above them.
Cloudwalker: …
Sparky: Okay this is just getting annoying, let's try this ONE LAST TIME!
With little else up his sleeve, Sparky empties the sack, revealing a Lobb within. Powering it on, it instantly locks onto Cloudwalker, flinging several iron balls in her direction. One of them hits her, knocking her to the ground.
Cloudwalker: Gah!
While Cloudwalker is grounded, one of the Sir Shovalots rushes at her, though she quickly dispatches it with a small shock. Suddenly, she has an idea, and grabs the fallen knights. Turning them on, she sends them in the Lobb's direction. As they SMASH into each other, all three robots go tumbling off the roof.
Sparky: AW COME ON! I spent like 20 coins on all those guys!
Cloudwalker: Did you pay in crypto…?
Sparky: Yeah, why?
Cloudwalker: No wonder they failed. Nothing that you… can buy with crypto… can possibly be high quality…
Sparky: GRAH! Forget it! I'll take care of you myself! THINK FAST CHUCKLENUTS!
Sparky fires a lightning beam at Cloudwalker, who fearfully turns around to brace for impact. The beam strikes her lightning rod tail, which absorbs the attack. As Sparky continues firing the beam, he notices his power being drained as he begins to turn smaller and smaller; however, he can’t seem to stop the attack, no matter how hard he tries.
Sparky: NONONONONONONONONONO! LET GO! LET GO! LET GO OF ME YOU STUPID BETA!
Eventually, Sparky runs out of power causing his beam to break and for him to be left as nothing but a small little ball of electricity.
Sparky: NOOOOOOOOO! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME!? AGAIN!?
Cloudwalker: Maybe it’s just… not your day…
Sparky: Well NO MATTER, I've still got the cash, the advertisement, and the chocolate! I'm still as much of a SIGMA MALE as I was before!
Cloudwalker, finished with Sparky's shenanigans, points her tail at Sparky as menacing as possible.
Sparky: B-But o-on second thought, maybe this can wait for another time…h-here!
Sparky then tosses his phone over to Cloudwalker and tells her the password, so that she could transfer back the ill-gained profits. While Cloudwalker makes the transaction, Sparky, quickly zapping over to his sack, pulls out a mini mechanical airplane with googly eyes and hops into the cockpit.
Sparky: You might have stopped me puffy, but I'll be back! Us SIGMA MALES never stop the grind!
Then charging up the plane, Sparky flies off the roof into the distance as the storm begins to subside. Before Cloudwalker could chase after the Hot Head, a familiar voice calls out to her.
Batz: Hey Cloud, you okay? That fight seemed pretty rough.
Cloudwalker: Could be better… mostly fine though- wait, how do you know… about the fight?
Batz: Well after you flew up here I wanted to make sure you'd be okay, especially since that Sparky guy seemed kinda weird. I turned on the roof cams to see what was going on, and when I saw the fight, since I didn't wanna be *ahem* collateral damage, I did what I could and recorded the whole thing! Wanna see?
Cloudwalker: Wait, so you’re telling me that…
The next day, Sparky decided it would be best if he stayed in hiding for a short while, after the events of last night. With little else to do in his apartment, he turned on the television, only to see the most terrifying broadcast in his entire life.
“...hack into your servers, steal all your cash, AND get some free advertisement out of the deal!”
To his horror, he watched himself admit to his own crimes on television! Even worse, he realized that with the millions of viewers who watched MKTV, he’d be losing quite a few sales for his chocolate, made with “bogus” protein powder, as described by his televised self.
Sparky: No! No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sparky in a fit of rage SMASHES the TV into pieces as he angrily yells.
Sparky: THAT STUPID, PUFFY, PINK, PUNK HUMILIATED ME! IN FRONT OF LIVE TELEVISION! I'M SO SCREWED! THIS CAN'T HAPPEN TO A SIGMA MALE LIKE ME! IT JUST CAN'T!
Sparky, pacing around in his room, crazily begins making up a half baked plan.
Sparky: H-How am I gonna get out of this!? M-M-MAYBE if I can get out of the city fast enough by the time the cops get here I'll be halfway to Yoshi’s Island! Y-Yeah, YEAH! That'll work, I just need five minutes!
Suddenly, Sparky hears an angry-sounding knock on his door.
Sparky: Ah crap.
Bursting down the doors to Sparky's apartment, the Crown City police restrain Sparky using their shockproof equipment.
Sparky: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! DONT YOU KNOW WHO I AM!? I'M A SIGMA MALE! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!!!
Meanwhile, back at the MKTV office, Batz and Cloudwalker are enjoying a nice bowl of popcorn in the break room, while watching the live news feed of Sparky being arrested. Batz smiles at the display, while Cloud shows a contentment at her stalker being arrested.
Batz: Better than any movie I ever saw, that's for sure.
Cloudwalker: Yeah… quite good…
Cloudwalker, still tired after the battle yesterday, falls asleep on the couch. Snuggling in a warm blanket, it seems as though the whole ordeal finally comes to a close.
THE END.
Random Video Analysis
Written by: Sparks (talk)
Additional Contributions by: Zdrmonster Productions
| Thumbnail | 
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|---|---|
| Video by: | xM3RCxUNR3AL |
| Publish date: | May 4, 2009 |
| Views: | 275,956 (as of April 14, 2026) |
| Likes: | 2.9K (as of April 14, 2026) |
| Type: | Music, cute |
Welcome back to Random Video Analysis, an ongoing section where I find a random YouTube video and discuss it casually! Before I get into the video itself, I want to remind everyone that you can recommend videos for me to check out! Have any suggestions? Feel free to drop them in this thread. Be sure to read the rules before posting, and note that I prioritize those who haven't had a chance to submit yet!
Do you miss those nostalgic memes of the late 2000s and early 2010s? We all know about things like "It's over 9000!" and Nyan Cat, but have you heard of Caramelldansen? Basically it was a Swedish pop song that grew to become a massive internet meme in the 2000s when a sped-up version featuring dancing anime characters was released. Pokémon also has an anime, so why not combine the two to make Caramelldansen pokemon english, where cute Pokémon are dancing to the English version of the song? Can you handle this cuteness? Credit goes to Zdrmonster Productions, the one who made me aware of the video!
EPILEPSY WARNING: Some scenes in this video have flashes of light. Be cautious!
What's it about?
This is exactly what you'd expect a video titled caramelldansen pokemon english to feature: Pokémon dancing to the English version of Caramelldansen! The three Pokémon in question are Charmander, Squirtle, and Chikorita.
As the song starts up, Charmander and Chikorita appear as silhouettes before fully showing themselves. Afterwards, Squirtle rushes in and crashes into the screen. The three Pokémon then dance together as the beat kicks in. Then, Squirtle acquires a microphone and starts singing the song as they all dance! For copyright reasons, I can't provide the lyrics here. Sorry. Most of the video features Charmander, Squirtle and Chikorita all dancing, adorably might I add!
After an instrumental, the screen fades to show what looks like footage from the Pokémon anime. Bayleef, the evolution of Chikorita, is shown passing by a forest. Squirtle then looks in wonder before another cut occurs, showing Squirtle and the environment around it to look like silhouettes, as if a sunset is happening. A few second later, a countdown of "3 2 1 0" appears on the screen before resuming to the three Pokémon dancing together. This continues until the last few seconds of the video, where white Japanese text appears on the black background before fading away. I'm guessing it's the credits?
Interesting observations
- Chikorita is here instead of Bulbasaur. If Bulbasaur was here instead of Chikorita, then it'd be the Kanto starters singing and dancing! Was Chikorita chosen because it was cuter?
- When Squirtle crashed into the screen, cracks were visible. The fourth wall is literally broken!
- Because Squirtle has the microphone in the video, it's likely that it is the only one singing the song. Charmander and Chikorita only dance.
- The best quality setting is 240p, which makes sense as this video was made in 2009. Perfect for nostalgia trips!
- Chikorita, having four legs instead of two, has a different dance compared to Charmander and Squirtle. It raises and lowers its front legs from side to side.
- The Pokémon have white outlines around them, giving them a paper feel to them. I wonder if there'll ever be a Paper Pokémon game? Probably not, but it could happen!
- Each Pokémon has at least one scene showing only them dancing, but Charmander and Chikorita have multiple dances together. Squirtle is never seen dancing with only one other Pokemon.
- The background has a berry-like pattern, possibly referencing the many berries found in the Pokémon universe.
- The scene with Bayleef and the two showing Squirtle afterwards are higher in quality and appear to be footage from the Pokémon anime itself.
- Furthermore, Bayleef and Squirtle lack the white outlines, supporting this.
Gallery
Who knew Squirtle had a beautiful singing voice?
Nothing like dancing with a friend!
Just look at Chikorita's adorable face!
Did Chikorita suddenly evolve?
Four Charmander poses!
Four Chikorita poses!
Too many dancing Squirtles!
Credits(?)
Notes by Zdrmonster Productions
I was first made aware of the video when someone mentioned it in a VC I had with a bunch of other PMDers, as we were trying to discuss the history of PMD and mostly Team Go-Getters from Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Team Go-Getters Out Of the Gate! The video actually originated from NicoNico, and we first found a shortened version that had Charmander and Chikorita but not Squirtle. Eventually someone found the full version you see on YouTube, but it's slightly different from the NicoNico version as it uses an English "localization" of the backing music. The music itself actually has an interesting history but I'm sure you can find information about it in another YouTube video.
I'm not sure WHY the Japanese author chose Team Go-Getters specifically, and I can't recall when it was originally made anymore, but I'd assume it has to do with early PMD fandom history. I also found a few...WEIRD NicoNico-exclusive videos featuring the Poképals (Piplup and Chimchar) but that's for another day.
I feel this video is one of the best ways to celebrate the history of Team Go-Getters on The 'Shroom right now, it's not much but it reminds me of why I fell in love with those little base-stage Pokémon all those years ago. Here's to another 20 years of Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Team Go-Getters Out Of the Gate!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 229 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • 'Shroomfest Highlights • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
| Specials | Cloudgazing |
