The 'Shroom:Issue 220/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Huh, I could've sworn I just heard someone yelling that beaches are better than amusement parks? Pretty sure we settled that debate years ago, but whatever your preferred way to beat the heat is, how about staying inside with air conditioning and reading the newest edition of Fake News?
You may think we'd be slowing down after the big summer special, but guess what, we have a new section! After last month's report on Pietro, Shoey (talk) will now be writing Police Blotter on a bi-monthly basis, so be sure to check out what criminal scum he's writing about this time. He's also given us a News Flush on a strange visitor to the Mushroom Kingdom, and speaking of guest sections, ClawgripFan9001's Year of Waluigi continues with a Weather Forecast for the lovable mischief maker's own island! In other news, ClawgripFan and DryBonesBandit (talk) are collaborating on this month's editions of Cooking Guide and Dry Dry Data. We've got all your other favorites here too, so don't miss it! (I mean, I'm not sure how you could miss it unless you got this far and then decided to close the page for some reason.)
If you've got the itch to start writing a new Fake News section, everything you need to know to get started on an application is on our sign up page! Or if you have an idea but don't want to commit to a full-time section, you can send a one-off for sections like Weather Forecast, News Flush, and more to me privately with no application necessary. It's that easy!
Section of the Month
Lots of stuff to pick from in the last issue, but our winners are in! Boo1268 grabbed first place with The Spectral Lens' coverage of the history behind the mysteriously malevolent Dark Star. In second place we've got the first edition of Pyro Invents Stuff by Legend 8, although the positive reception of that section may or may not have translated into sales numbers for the AntiTech Showerbank. And in a tie for third, an attempt by the villains to peddle their own destinations in The Sunshine Travel Guide by TheBlueCatMenace, and newcomer Koopa (talk)'s guest section, Investigative Research digging into Koopa Troopa society! A big thanks to everyone who voted, and please keep supporting our writers whether that's through SOTM or Poochy's Picks!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Spectral Lens | 6 | 15.79% | Boo1268 |
| 2nd | Pyro Invents Stuff | 5 | 13.16% | Legend 8 |
| 3rd | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 4 | 10.53% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 3rd | Investigative Research | 4 | 10.53% | Koopa (talk) |
Written by: Parshoe G. Shoelow (talk)
Search for Planet Stasiak Sparks Interest and Skepticism
It was an exciting day in Toad Town as the Toad Brigade departed on their next big expedition, this time to find the recent astrological talk of the kingdom, the previously unknown Planet Stasiak. Planet Stasiak first came to the kingdom's attention just months ago when a strange musclebound visitor suddenly appeared. Calling himself Planet Stasiak, this man, though similar in appearance to other humans such as Sonny or Whisker, immediately piqued interest with his exceptionally musclebound body, looking more like a Crocodile Isle Kruncha than any human. Further excitement came during his first televised interview where he declared he was neither from the Mushroom Kingdom nor a far-off land like Brooklyn, but rather a visitor from a previously unknown planet called, strangely enough, Planet Stasiak.
With his unique look and fantastical tales of Planet Stasiak, a planet of lush vegetation and fierce warriors like himself, the idea of traveling to Planet Stasiak quickly captured the public's imagination, with Toads throughout the kingdom writing the Chancellor in support of an expedition to Planet Stasiak. Although the public was interested, until recently it appeared an actual expedition looked unlikely. Though the majority of the kingdom wished for the expedition to go through, a sizeable minority expressed shock at the idea that so many would believe the words of a single man speaking in rhymes. Critics of the venture pointed out that Planet Stasiak, the man, has provided no proof of the existence of Planet Stasiak, the celestial body, outside of some cryptic rhymes. They further point out that Planet Stasiak gave no coordinates for or even a general location of Planet Stasiak, saying only that he could show them Planet Stasiak.
There were even reports that Mario and Luigi expressed doubts on the extraterrestrial claims, with the brothers claiming that, when they lived in Brooklyn, there was a wrestler for the World Wrestling Federation named Stan The Man Stasiak who resembles Planet Stasiak. Although it has also been reported that Planet Stasiak denied any relation to their Stan The Man Stasiak. Supporters point out that Planet Stasiak appeared out of nowhere, and thus that there's no evidence of his existence prior to a few months from now, nor is there record of anybody crossing the warp pipe from Brooklyn into the Mushroom Kingdom. They've also pointed out that the kingdom has often been visited by aliens such as Tatanga and the Shroobs. Whatever skepticism that existed however, has proven no match for the public's imagination or desire for adventure, and the Toad Brigade have held firm to their plants to depart with Planet Stasiak on an expedition to find Planet Stasiak.
Written by: Wallace Ulysses
WAH-t a WAH-lcome surprise to see all you Waluigi Fan Club members tuning in to another Waluigi-centric news report on The ‘Shroom’s Fake News pages! I don’t think that I, Wallace Ulysses, President of the Waluigi Fan Club, need an introduction anymore, so let us dive into the Waluigi-centric news I have been tipped off about by my informants through back channels, shall we?
So, my man on the inside over at Mushroom World Meteorology has told me that some rather strange weather activities are to take place at Waluigi’s Island, an archipelago dedicated to our favorite purple troublemaker. See, it appears that Waluigi himself has installed a Bob-Omb Machine at the island’s highest peak and programmed it to go off every so often, and Mushroom World Meteorology has thus declared that in a few days after this Weather Forecast is published, residents of Waluigi’s Island can expect a Bob-Omb Rain to befall them at some point during their day.
Subsequently, as a result of the Bob-Omb explosions causing cloudbursts, heavy thunderstorms will occur all over Waluigi’s Island following the aforementioned Bob-Omb Rain. The rain from the thunderstorms are predicted to make the grassy greens of the island all muddy and soppy, so we here at the Waluigi Fan Club would advise anyone living on Waluigi’s Island to reschedule any outdoor activities you might have planned in a few days, not just because of the muddy and soppy mush that the rain from the thunderstorms will be making, but also because there’s predicted to be high Piranha Plant activity all over the island the day after these thunderstorms take place, since the Piranha Plants that happen to grow around the island will have gotten plenty of water to grow to WAH-llistic proportions.
WAH, these are some deceptively delightful weather patterns that our beloved menace in purple has in store for the residents of his island, I say! They might be confusing for the residents of the island themselves, but most definitely amusing for Waluigi himself! WAH-HA-HA!
Now, before we are forced to cut things short for the rest of the month, I, Wallace Ulysses would like to inform you of today’s sponsor of the Year of Waluigi; Waluigi Time Cereal Incorporated! Founded by the second most troublesome purple troublemaker in the Mushroom World behind Waluigi himself, Mr. Time is always in his company’s laboratory to craft the latest scientific breakthroughs in cerealogy! And if you think that cerealogy isn’t a real field of science, think again! Mr. Time has dedicated the majority of his lifetime to studying the field of cerealogy, so much so, that he has recently founded the Waluigi Time Institute of Cerealogy, a university dedicated to teaching young adults all around the Mushroom World everything they need to know about cerealogy so that they too may one day become a cereal magnate of Mr. Time’s caliber! Waluigi Time Cereal Incorporated - Shilling your breakfast needs since 2021!
WAH-lright, deep breath… So, that’s about all there is in Waluigi-related news this month, Waluigi Fan Club members! Now that the Year of Waluigi has entered its second half, be sure to join me again next month, in The ‘Shroom’s August issue, where we will be looking at more news reports in honor of the menace in purple that is Waluigi! Until then, keep calm, and WAAAAHHHH!!!
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: ClawgripFan9001, InsaneBlathers, and an anonymous user
Dear Waluigi Time,
I've been dealing with low business income for years in spite of having a large number of customers coming in on a daily basis, with the majority of these customers coming in to meet with one of my regulars, an unnamed yet beautiful female Toad rather than having a drink. What do you suggest I should do to improve my business income?
- Podler of the Glitzville Fresh Juice Shop
Don't worry, I'm really good at making money, you can tell because I keep losing money but I'm still in business! Your problem is obviously freeloaders, too many people are coming into your shop and they're not buying anything. So clearly the solution is to start charging an entry fee before anyone can even come in! You wanna talk to the Toad? Pay up, you're not offering free floorspace here.
But you may see the problem with that, and that's increasing costs on paying customers. It's not a good idea to tick off the people who are already giving you money (which is why we're not just cranking up the prices here), especially if it's because of the people who aren't! So you could do a sort of credit thing, where drinks up to the cost of the entry fee are free and then anything after that you have to pay for them. Boom, you've monetized the freeloaders without increasing costs much on your already paying customers, you're welcome!
Hi Waluigi Time,
I want cereal. How can I grow my own cereal?
- Wario Time
Well, the "scientifically correct" answer involves having to farm grain and then doing a lot of stuff to process that into cereal. Most people will say you can't grow cereal in its complete form, but they're wrong! Maybe. I have this theory - now to be clear this is completely untested and Shbeeg says it's ludicrous and would never work, but what does he know - that you can actually grow any kind of food! You just have to know how. I think we all know from personal experience that you can't just bury a slice of pizza or some french fries and hope the right plant grows.
So, here's my hypothesized formula for growing cereal. You can't just use cereal pieces as "seeds", you have to take a piece of your preferred cereal and grind it up, then plant the dust. Make sure to water it only with milk, but if you want to jazz it up then you can use flavored milk to add a slight hint of whatever you picked! However, I suspect that if you try to plant cereals from competing brands too close to each other, they'll try to kill each other, so don't do that.
I'm sure that's how it works. Definitely.
I have a pet Goomba but it keeps attacking me. I don't speak Goomba so how do I tell it to stop and attack a Koopa or something?
Aha, you've fallen for one of the classic blunders! It's very important to be able to communicate with your pets, which is why I speak dog fluently. At least I'm pretty sure it's fluent? Anyway, back to your problem. You want it to attack Koopas instead of you, right? Short of spending the next indeterminate length of time taking a crash course in Goombese, What you need is a Koopa costume! Technically, it's still attacking you, but by wearing it long enough you can train it to attack Koopas instead. Alternatively, it won't recognize you in the Koopa costume and will stop attacking altogether, which also solves the problem. You just have to cosplay as a turtle 24/7, I'm sure it won't be an inconvenience. Just watch out for people with POW Blocks!
An alternative solution is to Goomba-proof your household. If you've got a free range Goomba, there's a good chance you're gonna get bonked, but a Goomba in a cage can't really do much to you, now can it? I hear if you set up four lightposts in a square they can't leave, for some reason.
Now, some people may question if having a pet Goomba is ethical, especially when things like Goomba Village exist. To that I say, we're just not going to worry about it like a certain video game company.
Looks like I have more business than I can handle! Questions are temporarily restricted to first-time submitters only while I work through the backlog. If you've never sent in a question before and have one that you'd like answered, stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page!
Written by: Boo1268
The Sharp End of the Spike City
Hello, readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. It's July, everybody! And not only does that mean fireworks, increased heat, and everyone getting ready for the awards, it also means visiting another set of ancient ruins! With some history that's sure to stab you with excitement! Which, come to think of it, if I had a nickel for every time I visited some ancient ruins during the summer to uncover the history of a lost civilization, I would have two nickels, which isn't a lot, but it's WEIRD that it happened twice, right? Speaking of lost civilizations today, I will be recounting the history of the Spike City, how their civilization rose to rule over a vast majority of the Sprixie Kingdom, and how they eventually fell to ruin by an invention created from their own spike-throwing hands. So with that out of the way, let us begin, shall we?
Our story begins as I was Looking through my suggestion box for history I should uncover, which is something I had done previously for other issues such as issue 207, issue 210, and issue 211, so I was no stranger to looking into suggestions for what history I should write about and uncover. However, in THIS particular instance, the topic that I had chosen at first glance seemed to almost be a dead end in terms of history for me to uncover. For you see, the ruins of Spike City were almost barren due to erosion and, more importantly, age. And while I had a feeling they were important in one way or another due to the presence of architecture seemingly focused on spikes and Spike culture, I just couldn't figure out how. That was, until I looked into another strange set of ruins that had spikes as a feature of their architecture; it was the former King Ka-thunk's castle, located in the 5th World of the Sprixie Kingdom. It was only after looking into the history and architecture surrounding King Ka-thunk's castle that I truly began to understand the history surrounding these two places. And after some thorough research, here's what I uncovered.
Many years ago, before the Sprixie Kingdom was even founded, there was once a collection of much smaller kingdoms that spread over the land, ruled by different kings and queens. Such as the Slytherin Kingdom, which the Hisstocrats once ruled over, then there was the Magmar Kingdom, ruled over by the Boss Brolder. Finally, there was the Spike Kingdom ruled over by King Spiketerox the Mega Spike. The Spikes, from all the research I could gather, were something of a scientific race, always inventing new weapons and spike technology to protect not only their kingdom, but also ship out their products to many other kingdoms across the land in need of their services - for a price, of course. Inventions such as spike blocks, spike traps, spike paths, and clear pipe spike balls were all created by them. Some of their designs are still used even to this day! Albeit with some slight tweaks here and there. Suffice to say, the Spike Kingdom had become masters of their spike technology. However, one thing continued to elude their grasp, and that was the development of a more deadly version of their spike roller. They had gotten close with the current ones, with some being programed to follow a circular pattern and be in constant motion, however, that seemingly wasn't enough for them. For you see, the Spikes wanted to make a spike roller that could move in three dimensions, a roller that was always in motion through inertia, a roller that was far more advanced than all the other rollers before it. So after several months of grueling hard work, the best of the Spike Kingdom's Spike scientists created their magnum opus, a machine that would come to be known as the Ka-thunks.
After the creation of the Ka-thunks, it was clear to the Spikes that these machines would be the perfect units to protect their kingdom from any would-be intruders who wished to steal the secrets to their spike technology. So immediately they began mass producing the Ka-thunks and shipping them out to anyone who wished to use them. Some time would pass, and while the Ka-thunks were considered the most impressive of their units, they were not without their flaws, mainly issues such as incorrect patterns, some Ka-thunks not stopping their momentum, some totally stopping in specific spots, some falling off cliffs when they forget to turn, and some only moving back and forth and never in any other direction. It was clear that they would need to manage the Ka-thunks' tipping patterns to make sure they were falling in the right place at the right time and at the correct speed. However, doing this manually would have taken much of their time away from other projects, so they needed a solution to their problem, and that solution was a more advanced, more intelligent defense system, one with the ability to think for itself and manage the Ka-thunks in a more strategic fashion, one that would be alive, and able to command the others more effectively than they could, one that could create realistic battle plans, but also improvise when those plans went wrong. So after many weeks of tweaking the current design of the Ka-thunks, they carved their new design into murals all over their main castle as a form of blueprint, and then soon after finishing the blueprint, they got to work on their greatest creation - a Ka-thunk that could not only command the Ka-thunks, but one that could lead them. This being's name was - King Ka-thunk.
Many years would pass, and the Spike Kingdom would continue to rely on the Ka-thunks for protection and use them as integral parts of their military, thus leading to their increased power overall. However, as time would pass, the grand Ka-thunk would become tired of taking orders from those higher in power than himself, and wished for more power. As such, he had gained a kingly complex, and in the span of a few weeks, rebelled against his creators, forcing them out by commanding the Ka-thunks to destroy anyone that stood in their way, claiming the fortress meant to protect their city for Ka-thunks. After this event, the Spikes attempted to reclaim control of their castle, however their attempts failed. The civil war between creators and creations would rage on for two months before ultimately ending with their best and brightest being lost to the Ka-thunks and their once trusted defenses winning the war. The few remaining Spikes left their cities behind in search of new homes, such as the Deep Magma Bog located in the Flower Kingdom, or more commonly the Koopa Kingdom. But in the end, the result was the same. The city of the Spikes had declined, becoming lost and decaying to the ancient ruins which we know of today, while King Ka-thunk and his subjects ruled over what remained. This radical change in leadership affected the other kingdoms in the long run. Now without being able to rely on a steady flow of new spike technology to protect their homes, many of the previous kingdoms would succumb to opposing enemy forces from invading kingdoms and bands of rogues and pillagers. So as a result, the land that was once ruled by several kings and queens would eventually become a wasteland of fallen empires, with the rulers of these lands being forced to go into hiding.
A few years would pass, and eventually the Sprixie Princesses would rebuild the land with their magical building powers, and as such, claim the land as their own, establishing peace and prosperity across the land, and eventually renaming the land the Sprixie Kingdom, now being mainly inhabited by the Sprixies. And while several attempts would be made by the opposing kings and queens to claim the newly forged kingdom for themselves, they (thankfully) all ended in failure. However, one scaly scoundrel would learn of the Sprixie Princesses' mystical powers and want them for himself so they could build his grand project and so he could take over said kingdom. So the Koopa King would reach out to the other rulers and request their assistance, in return they could reclaim their lost kingdoms for free! And while King Ka-thunk had never lost his, he was itching for the opportunity to claim more land, so he gladly joined his cause. As a result of their partnership, King Ka-thunk would supply Bowser with not only his services, but also some of the finest Ka-thunks he could offer. In return, Bowser would send over his finest Chargin' Chucks to guard him if and when any invaders decided to attack. After all was said and done, Bowser finally made his move, capturing all the Sprixie Princesses and letting some of the rulers reclaim their kingdoms, while others had to temporarily be situated in Bowser's big boss tents. However, one princess would temporarily escape Bowser's grasp and go out to seek help, thus leading to the four heroes saving the kingdom from the Koopa King's clutches, defeating the other evil rulers, and doing what the citizens of Spike City could not and finally destroy their ultimate creation once and for all, thus finally putting an end to King Ka-thunk's reign of terror, and the secrets of the Ka-thunk creation process being lost to the sands of time where no one would ever uncover it.
So remember, dear readers, while it is good to be prideful sometimes, don't let it take over your sense of humbleness, for you may get so cocky that you fail to account for failure, and may end up being like the Spikes and fall to your own greatest creation, so have a bit of humbleness in your hearts. And so, with that, our story ends. I really hope you all enjoyed this edition of The Spectral Lens since I had lots of fun writing it! If you have any suggestions for what I should look into next time, make sure to check out my official forum page. I'm always willing to sharpen up some ancient stories you chaps suggest! So don't be afraid to give me suggestions. Also, I would like to give a shout out to Hooded Pitohui for helping me with the history surrounding the city, and to DryBonesBandit for suggesting this very topic. And with that, I say: Merci, au revoir.
The following is an alert provided from the Bomberman Corps:
Attention citizens of Bomberland! Be on the alert! A terrifying game has sprung up seemingly out of nowhere and has been ravaging the planet and harassing its citizens. This game is led by a man known only as Wario. According to reports, this "Wario" suddenly appeared one day from an interdimensional portal brought on by a supposed time distortion. He has been described as a heavyset man stinking of garlic and wearing overalls and a yellow hat with a "W" on it. Described as an exceedingly greedy man with an insatiable need for plunder, Wario is considered armed and dangerous.
Armed with a neverending supply of bombs, Wario has taken the countryside by storm, blasting his way through buildings both commercial and residential, reportedly stealing anything that looks to be even the slightest bit valuable. As aggressive as he is smelly, it's been reported that, in the few times he's been directly confronted while plundering, when he couldn't blast his way out, Wario has used his immense strength to shoulder tackle his pursuers, allegedly sending them flying.
Accompanying him are a gang of similarly-dressed figures that have dubbed themselves the Madbombers. According to reports, the Madbombers are citizens of Bomberland that have fallen victim to Wario's greedy spell. These citizens have donned the cloak of Wario, joining him in the destruction and plunder. Although also armed with bombs, it has been reported that some of them have been captured, allegedly after being abandoned by Wario during a getaway. According to the Bomberman Corps, the captured Madbombers have offered conflicting explanations for how they joined the gang. Some have acted confused as to their actions, as if they were in a trance. Others have admitted they joined simply for a chance at riches which they could never achieve legitimately. As of right now, the Bomberman Corps have stated they cannot rule out the idea that Wario is using some sort of hypnosis spell to lure in citizens, although they have also stated that they can't definitively rule that any member of the Madbombers hasn't joined of their own violation.
The Bomberman Corps have confirmed that our hero, the White Bomberman, is on the case and is in close pursuit of Wario and the Madbombers. Because of this, we must ask that you do not attempt to fight Wario or his Madbombers yourself. We must stress that Wario and the Madbombers should be considered armed and dangerous. If you think you have spotted Wario, please immediately find shelter and attempt to contact the Bomberman Corps. Do not attempt to resist if he tries to rob you. Attempting to do so could result in either being sent flying or comical soot burns from an explosive bomb. Either way, the risks are not worth it!
Dry Dry Data
Written by: DryBonesBandit (talk) and ClawgripFan9001
Hello to all, and I hope you’re having an eely good day. I’m DryBonesBandit, and welcome back for another edition of Dry Dry Data, this time joined by the crustacean corsair and fellow writer, ClawgripFan! Make sure to check out his section, Cooking Guide, too! Today, we’re going to be covering the Dragoneel (akai ryuunagi), a dangerous aquatic species of immense length. Any thoughts before we dive into our adventure, Clawgrip?
Yar, I be glad ta be joinin’ ye t’day, lad, an’ bein’ given the opportunity ta share some o’ me knowledge o’ the world full o’ wonder under the sea!
Glad that I’m being joined by an expert of the sea and the culinary arts. Well, let’s recount our Dragoneel tale!
Aye, it be quite the fantastic tale ‘bout a fantastic tail, I say. Argh, argh, argh, argh, argh!
The Adventure
When I first heard about these large dragon-like fish from MKTV, I knew I had to write my July issue on them. I contacted Clawgrip about taking me out to sea on his boat, seeing as I had known no other captain with his talent. He agreed to do so, and we set sail the following day to Dragoneel Grotto.
Aye, DryBonesBandit called me up seein’ as there weren’t any other seasoned seafarers in the whole wide area o’ New Wikisburg, an’ I agreed ta ‘elp the lad with ‘is research on the Dragoneel, so long as ‘e ‘elped me with me culinary research fer me cookin’ column I was due ta send in that month. So we took ta me beloved vessel, The Black Peach, an’ next thing ye knew, we were out at sea, searchin’ fer the majestic if malicious Dragoneel.
While the plan was to go to Dragoneel Grotto, I had accidentally told Clawgrip that we were headed to Dragoneel Depths instead. From what I’ve learned after the adventure, Dragoneels are more vicious in this area, causing ships to crash and knocking the crews into the water where the eels could feast. When I saw the metal boxes in the water, I realized my error and told Clawgrip that we should probably turn back, but before he could, a Big Urchin popped up from below the waves and blocked us from exit.
Nargh, that were a costly mistake on DryBonesBandit’s part, I ‘ave ta admit…It be a good thing that the King o’ the Pirates, Cortez ‘imself ‘ad enchanted me beloved vessel from bein’ torn ta shreds by any monsters o’ the sea, or else DryBonesBandit’s salary fer this month’s entry o’ Dry Dry Data woulda gone all into me pocket fer the standard expenses on me ship. Anyhoo, a Big Urchin did pop up from the dreaded waters o’ Dragoneel Depths, preventin’ us from fleein’ those ghastly waters. Good thing this ol’ Sidestepper enjoys a good ruck e’ery now and then, argh!
When that purple prickly beast popped up from the depths, I quickly remembered how one can get them to move, which is unknown to most but common knowledge for a biologist. Since I made the navigational error, I went off-board to fix the problem. You see, Big Urchins are easily distracted by small items, so I hit a nearby ? Block. Receiving a Super Mushroom, I threw the fungus away from the big spike ball, and it left its post to go fetch it. I made my way back to the ship, but before I reboarded, a long red monster grabbed me by the leg and pulled me under.
Yar, curse me cutlasses! One o’ those misguidedly ballsy Dragoneels ‘ad nabbed DryBonesBandit after the lad went outta ‘is way ta get that o’erblown spike ball outta our course, so I instinctively grabbed me cutlass an’ abandoned ship ta go an’ rescue the boney boy. Slidin’ ‘neath the waves, I began ta swim down t’wards the Dragoneel that still ‘ad DryBonesBandit by the leg in its strong an’ powerful jaws, brandishin’ me cutlass with a determined glare in me eyes. Lettin’ out a feisty snarl, the Dragoneel took notice o’ me presence as ‘e promptly let go o’ DryBonesBandit ta go after me instead!
As the enormous eel went after the Sidestepper, I took the opportunity to skedaddle. Before I could, though, a group of smaller, purple Dragoneels took notice of me and gave chase. Now, you see, I’m not a great swimmer. So when five or six sea monsters come after you 20 feet below the sea’s surface, you panic. In desperation, I grabbed onto a nearby rock, hoping to be able to defend myself. Luckily for me, the stone I’d grabbed caused me to float up to the surface a good distance from the eel pack, and I tossed it back down for Clawgrip to make his escape if he needed to.
Yargh, while DryBonesBandit made ‘is darin’ escape t’wards the sea surface, I found meself in a one-on-one scuffle with the giant red Dragoneel, skewerin’ an’ slicin’ away at the beast as it tried ta attack me with its jaws, as well as its deceptively strong tail, but bein’ quite an adept underwater combatant, I were able ta dodge any swipe that the serpent tried throwin’ at me, an’ b’fore I knew it, I ‘ad managed ta fell the beast as it died from its injuries and floated upside down t’wards the surface o’ the water, after which the same stone that DryBonesBandit ‘ad used ta previously make ‘is own escape came floatin’ back down into the depths, presumably thrown by the skeletal scallywag ‘imself as a means o’ ‘elpin me ta escape. Not lettin’ meself be told that twice, I quickly grabbed ‘old o’ that rock an’ ascended back ta the surface o’ the water meself, soon enough risin’ outta the sea next ta the corpse o’ the red Dragoneel that was driftin’ around up there. With DryBonesBandit safe an’ the danger ‘avin’ been averted, I made me way back ta me ship an’ ‘opped back aboard b’fore takin’ the wheel an’ tellin’ DryBonesBandit that if ‘e ‘ad everythin’ ‘e needed fer ‘is part o’ the bargain, we were ‘eadin’ back ta New Wikisburg Port.
Realizing that there was a perfectly good eel in the water going to waste, I took a few minutes to haul the felled Dragoneel onto the deck, hoping to study it up close on the trip back without the danger of being dragged under the sea. Luckily for me, Clawgrip hadn’t had a plan for what to cook yet, so I suggested that we could put the eel to good use for his section, too. When we returned to the port, I must have gathered a few strange looks, as I was soaked in water, covered in seaweed, and carrying a large, dead, sea monster. A typical Tuesday for Dry Dry Data.
Yar, with the sea monster ‘avin’ been slain, DryBonesBandit found that it were a waste ta leave it floatin’ around on the surface o’ the water, so ‘e took the corpse onto the deck o’ The Black Peach so ‘e could study it up close without ‘avin’ ta worry ‘bout gettin’ pulled back into the depths. On the way ‘ome, the lad realized that the beast ‘ad great culinary potential, an’ suggested me that I could use it fer me ‘alf o’ the bargain, which I agreed on, so by the time we got back ta the port, me an’ DryBonesBandit took the beast back ta me ‘ouse, where I prepared the meat we needed fer the dish we were goin’ to learn ‘ow ta cook an’ sent it off ta Zess T. in Rogueport, as she were one o’ the few chefs this side o’ the Mushroom World who knew ‘ow ta make that dish, but that be a story yer gonna ‘ave ta catch in me Cookin’ Guide section fer this month’s ‘Shroom issue!
The Analysis
Dragoneels are large, scaly eels, with a dragon-like appearance that comes from their face resembling a common dragon and their fins appearing like wings. Their underbellies are beige in color and wavy in shape, with purple spots along its sides, and their backs are red (purple in youth) with a purple dorsal fin, strong enough to support a kart! Their large tails are purple in hue, and help to propel them through the water. Their length changes with age, alongside their scale color.
Dragoneels are known to be apex predators, and are definitely not vegetarian. Their diet consists mostly of other fish, such as Cheep Cheeps and Eep Cheeps (speculated to be due to their bright colors, as Deep Cheeps are uncommon meals for Dragoneels), as well as Urchins (they remove the spikes with their jaws first) and unlucky seafarers who go overboard. When desperate, which is quite rare, they will resort to Clampies and eating coral and seaweed. While they usually wait for their victims to come close to them, they will leap out of the water to catch unsuspecting prey, such as me. They rarely come in contact with their fellow apex predators, Cheep Chomps, but when they do, they tend to not interact with each other, as either one has the means to kill the other.
When a Dragoneel is an adult, it begins to hoard shiny objects it finds for its lair. Typically, fallen cargo from ships is taken to their residence, as well as shiny stones and brightly colored scales from deceased fish. They also tend to bring skeletons to their lairs as threats, which I suspect to be why I was attacked. Adult Dragoneels are antisocial and only work with others unintentionally; young Dragoneels work together to take down prey due to their smaller size.
If you want my advice for dealing with these foes, I’d say to get outta there. If you must, however, fight one, I’d say to throw blunt objects such as a Koopa Shell at them. Fireballs slow them down if they hit their heads, but scorching them is risky as they are energized by a fireball that hits their body.
Cooking Tips
Yar, so ye know ‘bout all the scientific aspects o’ the Dragoneel now, so it’s time fer me ta teach ye all ‘bout the culinary aspects o’ the beasty beast. O’ course ye got Dragoneel Sushi, which ye can find the best way ta prepare that in me Cookin’ Guide section in this month’s Fake News, but I can also recommend ye ta fry Dragoneel meat in peanut oil. Yargh, ye can thank me later once yer tastebuds start goin’ crazier than a Chargin’ Chuck on an Ultra Shroom Shake rush! I also found from me experimentin’ with Dragoneel meat after our adventure that Dragoneel makes fer some great tempura! Yar, ye e’er tried tempura? Can definitely recommend it, I say! Finally, I can also recommend ye ta simply grill Dragoneel meat or leave it out ta dry o’ernight, ‘cause aside from fryin’ ‘em in peanut oil or makin’ Dragoneel Sushi, ye really be in fer a treat if ye leave Dragoneel meat ta dry o’ernight. Some people say that it be not recommended or unnecessary, ‘cause it makes the Dragoneel meat tough an’ less palatable, but from experience, I find that it be rather delicious! Well, that be ‘bout everythin’ I can recommend ye ta do with Dragoneel in terms o’ culinary manners, so all I got left ta say be: ClawgripFan9001 out!
The End
As always, thanks for reading, and make sure to suggest a subject for my section! Also make sure to check out Cooking Guide, written by ClawgripFan9001! Speaking of him, any last thoughts for the reader?
All I got left ta say fer the reader be: When ye go out ta sea, be sure ta bring me or another seasoned seafarer with thee!
Written by: ClawgripFan9001 and DryBonesBandit (talk)
Yar, greetings an’ sail-utations, fellow aspirin’ chefs! It be yer seasoned Sidestepper, ClawgripFan9001! After me last culinary adventure with me lad Cosmo the Cat by me side, I’m takin’ ta the seas o’ food once more, with a new travel companion by me side: The brainy Parabones, DryBonesBandit! See, the undead lad needed me assistance fer ‘is next entry o’ Dry Dry Data, an’ since I don’t be runnin’ a charity, I asked fer ‘is ‘elp with me next entry o’ Cookin’ Guide in return! Well, that ‘elp was quickly given, ‘cause after I gave DryBonesBandit me knowledge o’ the wildlife ways o’ the exotic Dragoneel, the shrewd skeleton quickly came up with the idea o’ learnin’ ‘ow ta make Dragoneel Sushi!
Well, ye know I couldn’t refuse the opportunity ta learn ‘ow ta make another succulent seafood dish, so DryBonesBandit an’ I quickly went ta get me beloved vessel, The Black Peach, an’ set sail fer the port town o’ Rogueport, where Zess T. agreed ta teach me an’ DryBonesBandit ‘ow ta make Dragoneel Sushi!
Establishing shot of Rogueport Harbor, where ClawgripFan9001 and DryBonesBandit came sailing in on The Black Peach, the Sidestepper Captain’s famed vessel that got its name thanks to its permanently charred hull. Quickly preparing himself for departure, ClawgripFan9001 grabbed all of his belongings before leaping onto the docks of Rogueport Harbor and tying the knots of his vessel at the dock in subsequent fashion.
“Yar, ‘ere we are, DryBonesBandit, me boy; The port town o’ Rogueport, a town o’ troublemakers, a city o’ sinners, and nothin’ in between but the constant flow o’ tourists.” ClawgripFan9001 chimed with his trademark lazy grin.
“It looks a little… decrepit.” DryBonesBandit described, cleaning his glasses.
“Aye, it do be in a perpetual state o’ variable circumstances, I say. Whene’er I ‘appen ta come out ‘ere on business, I don’t like ta stay ‘round fer too long outta fear o’ bein’ pickpocketed. That said, let’s quickly get our butts o’er ta the Zess Residence an’ learn ‘ow ta make Dragoneel Sushi!” ClawgripFan9001 nodded his agreement with DryBonesBandit’s observation of the run down state of the majority of Rogueport before scuttling forward towards Rogueport Plaza, where Zess T. lived.
“I heard that she has a tendency to, well, call aspiring chefs by some unkind names…”
“Aye, she does that ta me all the time, an’ while I don’t approve it, I just put up with it as best as I can. Just try ta keep yer patience while in there, and ye should be fine, lad.” ClawgripFan9001 advised DryBonesBandit as the unlikely duo ventured out into Rogueport Plaza, where they happened to witness a firefight between the Pianta Syndicate and the Robbo Thieves, with the Pianta Syndicate’s men throwing Bob-Ombs at the Robbo Thieves, and the Robbo Thieves throwing bricks, soda cans and other random objects back at the Pianta Syndicate.
“They’re throwing everything they can at each other! Even some poor Bob-ombs.” the Parabones remarked.
“Aye, I forgot ta mention: E’er since the Robbo Thieves ‘ave gained control o’er Rogueport Plaza followin’ a hostage situation involvin’ Furious Frankie’s kid, things ‘ave gotten even steamier ‘tween the Pianta Syndicate an’ Robbo Thieves than usual, an’ they regularly engage in the firefights ye be lookin’ at now as a result o’ that.” ClawgripFan9001 informed DryBonesBandit as he rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.
“I haven’t been keeping up with the state of this place in the news. Gotta say, fights like this is not something I’d like to see on a daily basis. Well, let’s step away from this brawl and head to your chef friend’s residence before a stray brick breaks one of my bones!”
“Way ahead o’ ye, lad! Let’s get goin’!” ClawgripFan9001 shouted as he took off for Zess T.’s house at top speed with DryBonesBandit in tow. Making it there without getting caught in the crossfire of the rivaling gangs, the Sidestepper knocked on Zess T.’s front door.
“Who’s there?!” A raspy and irritable voice called from the other side of the door.
“Mrs. Zess T., it be ClawgripFan9001 an ‘is matey, DryBonesBandit! We made an appointment fer a Cookin’ Guide lesson!” ClawgripFan9001 responded.
“Come on in!” Zess T. chimed in response, after which the unlikely duo quickly headed inside and shut the door behind them, allowing them to catch their breath.
“Nice to meet you, Zess T. Those fights happen often, I take it? Must be hard to live with.”
“You tell me! Those Piantas and Robbos are getting rowdier by the day, it seems! I’ve lost about ten contact lenses to those brutes and their firefights so far since their gang war started heating up!” Zess T. erupted in anger at the Parabones’ mention of how crazy the situation out in the Plaza was.
“It certainly is… destructive. Well, let’s not delay; I heard you can teach us how to make Dragoneel Sushi?” inquired DryBonesBandit, switching topics.
“Aye, I s’pose that be fer the best. Well, I be ready ta start takin’ notes for me end o’ the lesson, an’ DryBonesBandit, if ye feel like makin’ any notes fer yer end o’ the lesson, feel free ta do so.” ClawgripFan9001 chimed as he pulled out his notepad and pencil while glancing at his Parabones companion.
“I think I will. If I didn’t bring a notebook with me everywhere I went, there wouldn’t be Dry Dry Data, anyhow!” the skeletal Paratroopa replied as he took a notebook and pencil out and flipped to a blank page.
“Well, you two better clean all that wax out of your non-existent ears, because I won’t be repeating the instructions for making this dish, you hear me, Tweedle-Deaf and Tweedle-Deafer?” Zess T. firmly asked the Sidestepper and Parabones with her trademark scowl.
“Yes, ma’am.” ClawgripFan9001 saluted the Toad chef.
“Loud and clear,” DryBonesBandit said, hiding a “Deaf? Seriously?" in a cough.
“So, for making Dragoneel Sushi, you’re going to need the following ingredients: About one pound worth of Dragoneel meat, properly skinned and deboned. An ounce of Turtley Leaves for wrapping up the Dragoneel meat in, salt, pepper, a bottle of vinegar, and a single bottle of Hot Sauce, courtesy of Ratooey Enterprises.” Zess T. explained to ClawgripFan9001 and DryBonesBandit as she took out the items one by one.
“I be ‘earin’ ye, I be ‘earin’ ye.” ClawgripFan9001 nodded as he began to write this down onto his notepad.
“I’m following along.” said DryBonesBandit, hurrying to write it all down before Zess T. continued.
“Good! First thing’s first, use a sharp filleting knife to cut the Dragoneel meat into tiny chunks! Pat each individual chunk of meat dry with a paper towel and let it rest for a bit! Next thing’s next, you take a tiny glass bowl and fill it to the halfway point with vinegar, then you put the Turtley Leaves inside and let them soak for a bit!” Zess T. began to carry out the first steps of the cooking instructions in front of our brave reporters.
“Aye, that should be easy enough…” ClawgripFan9001 continued to scribble away on his notepad while audibly letting Zess T. know he was still listening.
“Seems simple.” agreed the Parabones as he wrote it down.
“Third thing’s third, you sprinkle the pieces of Dragoneel meat on both sides with salt and pepper, and let it season for a grand total of five minutes! By that time, the vinegar should have gotten into the Turtley Leaves good enough as well, so you take those out of the bowl and wrap the Dragoneel meat chunks up in the soaking wet and seasoned Turtley Leaves!” Zess T. continued to explain to the reporters, carrying out the next set of steps for the cooking instructions along the way.
“Yar, this be a dream fer e’ery sailor in the Mushroom World ta make in terms o’ seafood…” ClawgripFan9001 commented as he jotted this down into his notepad.
“This sounds delicious… unfortunately, I have neither a tongue nor a stomach.”
“Last thing’s last, you put your freshly made Dragoneel Sushi on a tray with a bottle of Hot Sauce courtesy of Ratooey Enterprises for an extra taste sensation, and that should be it! Bon appetit!” Zess T. declared as she finished carrying out the cooking instructions while pushing a tray filled with Dragoneel Sushi forward on the table.
“Aye, that be a wrap! Poor choice o’ words, I admit, but still!” ClawgripFan9001 threw his claws in the air euphorically after finishing writing down everything in his notes.
“This dish sounds easy to make! Got everything down in my notes, too.” stated DryBonesBandit.
“Yes, it certainly is a wrap on an easy dish to put together, since I know very well that your simple Sidestepper and Parabones brains have their limits. Either way, have a taste of that Dragoneel Sushi if you so desire, Dummy Jones and Mr. Bonehead.” Zess T. told the reporters as she hand waved towards the Dragoneel Sushi sitting on the tray.
“Aye, I’ll do just that, ma’am!” ClawgripFan9001 responded as he scuttled over to the table before grabbing himself a piece of Dragoneel Sushi and munching on it. “Argh, that be some succulent sushi, I say! Even more succulent than I ‘oped it would be!” The Sidestepper exclaimed with delight.
“While I can’t have a bite of the sushi, I’m glad to know that the readers can.”
“Glad I was helpful to the both of you today. Now make yourselves scarce once you have finished eating the sushi, I already have enough going on with the Piantas and the Robbos fighting it out on my doorstep!” Zess T. shooed the reporters away.
“Aye-aye! We’ll take care o’ it, ma’am!” ClawgripFan9001 saluted the Toad chef with his right claw.
“Goodbye to you too…”
Yar, so this be what ye need ta know ‘bout makin’ Dragoneel Sushi!
Ingredients
- One pound worth o’ Dragoneel meat (skinned an’ deboned)
- An ounce o’ Turtley Leaves
- Salt
- Pepper
- A bottle o’ vinegar
- A bottle o’ Ratooey Enterprises ‘Ot Sauce
Appliances
- A sharp filletin’ knife
- A small glass bowl fer the vinegar
- A cuttin’ board ta cut the Dragoneel meat
- A couple o’ paper towels fer pat dryin’ the Dragoneel meat
- A tray fer servin’ yer Dragoneel Sushi on
Instructions
- Cut the Dragoneel meat into tiny chunks, pat it dry with paper towels an’ let it rest a bit.
- Take the tiny glass bowl, fill it ‘alfway with vinegar, then put the Turtley Leaves inside ta soak.
- Season both sides o’ the Dragoneel meat with salt an’ pepper, then leave it like that fer five minutes.
- Take the vinegar drenched Turtley Leaves outta the glass bowl, wrap up the seasoned Dragoneel meat in ‘em, then serve on a tray with Ratooey Enterprises ‘Ot Sauce.
Yar, that be all fer t’day, folks! I wanna thank DryBonesBandit fer joinin’ me ‘ere t’day on me culinary adventure, be sure ta check out ‘is Dry Dry Data entry fer this month’s Fake News lineup as well ta find out what I put in fer me side o’ the bargain that DryBonesBandit an’ I made! ‘Till next time, mateys! I’ll see ya back in September fer another delicious dish ta make!
A big thank you to Clawgrip for letting me tag along in this cooking guide! Do check out this guide’s next edition in September, and also check out my section, Dry Dry Data, for more on the Dragoneel. Have a good one! - DryBonesBandit
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
Proposed Luxury Car Sparks Concerns
A newly proposed car model from the Mushroom Auto Works has promoted heated debate between car enthusiasts and consumer safety advocates. The proposed car is the Bob-omb Car, modeled after the explosive Bob-omb. According to the Mushroom Auto Works, the Bob-omb Car is essentially a stripped-down version of the Bob-omb Car used during Mario Kart races as an obstacle for drivers. They say that, by using a toned-down version of the combustion engine mixed with special Bob-omb powder, they've created what they believe is the fastest car on the market, allegedly even faster than Wario's famous jalopy. The Bob-omb Car features a special proprietary two-wheeled steering system for buttery-smooth steering and 0° turning radius. When asked about the potential for explosions like those caused by both Bob-ombs and the larger Bob-omb Car, the Mushroom Auto Works spokesman told us that, thanks to the toned-down nature of the engine combined with a thicker shell made out of harder metal then a standard Bob-omb, as well as a tested quick-release auto brake that can stop the car safely and instantly as well as a special shock absorber casing placed around the engine, they feel that the cars are very unlikely to explode unless they were in impacts at maximum speed. And even then, they assured us that, in their safety testing, they found that in 95% of a crash tests, the Bob-omb Car produced only a small, more localized explosion that only affected the engine itself. Because of this and other safety measures, they said they have no doubts that the car will be a safe and reliable car for those with the need for speed! A car which is no more or less dangerous than any other car on the market!
Said to be sold in a more limited quantity for 15,000 coins on a made-to-order basis, it's looking like the car is already a hit. At the time of this publication, there are at least 5,000 pre-orders for the explosively fast car, with Mushroom Auto Works confirming to us that half of those pre-orders put a 2,000 coin down payment on the car! While the car appears to be a success in the luxury enthusiast market, it's facing a much more difficult time winning over public safety advocates. The public safety group "Mushroom Kingdom Road and Traffic Commission" has strongly come out against the idea of a publicly-sold Bob-omb car, arguing that there's no way it could have adequate safety measures. Their spokesman, retired former Circuit Breaker Island driver and Mario Kart Racing Association Kart mechanic, Torque, gave us the following statement:
Been working on cars and karts all my life, from the daily Circuit Breaker races on Circuit Breaker Island to the Karts for the Mario Kart: Double Dash, GP, and DS circuits, so believe me when I tell you there ain't no way this car is road safe. Let's start with the engine. Now the Bob-omb Cars we used on Mushroom Bridge and Mushroom City, they had a supercharged 700 Yoshipower with a special Bob-omb powder-based oil. Now in tests, these babies could go 500MPH, but of course we didn't use them for speed; we used it for its explosive property. Now, according to the Mushroom Auto Works, their toned-down Bob-omb Cars can go just above the top speed of Wario's famous jalopy, which allegedly could go roughly 280MPH. That means the engine itself is probably a little more than half as powerful as the standard Bob-omb Car we used, meaning that they're still using quite a bit of not only Yoshipower, but they've also confirmed they are using Bob-omb powder somewhere in the engine's construction. Nothing else needs to be known. That engine is still highly combustible. If there's any contact of any significant force, the car is gonna go kablammo; that's just simple physics. Not only that, but on the Mario Kart circuit, our Bob-omb cars were essentially highly combustible props being driven by highly experienced stuntmen to impede incredibly powerful drivers, and they were being serviced by only the most experienced of specialized mechanics such as myself. But you put that in the hands of the average fix-it-up-Felix, and one false move and that baby is gonna burst. Now, I'm not saying they didn't take steps to alleviate those concerns. A thicker Bob-omb shell to reduce contact damage, a more isolated and covered engine to absorb shocks, a less powerful Bob-omb-based formula all mean the explosions should be smaller and more isolated. But the fact is, no matter how many safety measures you put into place, it doesn't change that you're basically putting a fast, mobile bomb out on the road for any putz with a lot of coins. It's a disaster waiting to happen!
Despite the concerns of the Mushroom Kingdom Road and Traffic Commission, the government has so far refused to prohibit the sale of the Bob-omb Car, putting out a statement that, while they have some concerns, they are satisfied the data provided by the Mushroom Auto Works demonstrates the Bob-omb Car is safe to to drive. For their part, the Mushroom Kingdom Road and Traffic Commission has vowed to continue fighting against the sale of the Bob-omb Car, issuing their study about the car's safety, circulating a petition calling for the prohibition of sales, and even contemplating a lawsuit to block the sale of the car. For their opinions, we turn to longtime contributors Hot Rod Hooded Pitohui and Fireball Shoey.
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I-I can't even believe what I'm reading? This is beyond nuts! You're talking about putting a bomb on the road! A BOMB???? And not just any bomb, but a bomb that can apparently go faster than any car on the market??? How is this legal??? How can this be considered safe???? It boggles the mind. I don't care what kind of safety measures the Mushroom Auto Works say they've implemented; you're still talking about a car that's quite literally made out of explosives! How could they possibly think this should be on the streets? How could the government agree with them?!?!?! What are we doing!? A bomb? ON THE ROAD? WHERE PEOPLE DRIVE? Have you met the average driver?!?!?! And now there's gonna be a bomb on the road?!?!?! Even if they're right and the explosions are rare, YOU'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT EXPLOSIONS! ON THE ROAD! WHERE PEOPLE DRIVE! It doesn't even sound like a real product. It sounds like something you'd see in a bad comedy sketch. It's preposterous that we're allowing this bomb on wheels to just be on the road. It would be one thing if these were only going to be sold to specialized racetracks where people could experience the thrill of driving the fastest, most dangerous car in the world. I'd still think people were nuts for doing it, but at least they'd only be a danger to themselves. But this? Not only are they a danger to themselves, but they're a danger to others, because again, and I cannot stress this enough, THEY'RE PUTTING A HIGH SPEED BOMB ON THE ROAD!!! It's baffling that the government would allow something so obviously dangerous on the road. I absolutely will be signing the Mushroom Kingdom Road and Traffic Commission's petition, and I can only hope either Mushroom Auto Works comes to their senses and pulls this product or that the Mushroom Kingdom government comes to its senses and bans this car before something truly tragic happens. |
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It's not often that I find myself in full agreement with Shoe, but there's no alternative any reasonable person would endorse. Truly, what are we doing here? We're going to permit Mushroom Auto Works to put a bomb out on the road? A bomb? Now, I've scoured the reports that the Mushroom Auto Works put out, and I will grant that their measures have considerably reduced the risk of catastrophic explosions in these vehicles. To my own surprise, their collision analyses were sound, but an explosion remains an explosion, and five percent of their tests still produced an explosion which, in the words printed in their own report, "poses immense risk to nearby buildings, nearby vehicles, the integrity of the roadway itself, and the health and safety of drivers and pedestrians". That number may sound small when expressed as a percentage, so let me phrase it in another way. When you drive, are you willing to accept that, upon one of these vehicles getting into an accident, there is a one-in-twenty chance an explosion able to put a crater in the road occurs? Add on Torque's point about untrained mechanics working on a highly dangerous, highly combustible vehicle, and you wonder if that risk skyrockets after one bad patch job. |
| There should be no debate about this! Mushroom Auto Works is endangering the lives of this kingdom's residents. Then, what happens if one of these Bob-omb Cars explodes on a piece of critical infrastructure? Do you buy for a moment that Mushroom Auto Works will foot the bill for repairs for an overpass. No, it will be the average taxpayer cleaning up the handiwork of a corporation and consumers with more money than sense. Why are we putting ourselves on the hook for this? Even the MKRA has recently transitioned away from the traditional Bob-omb Car due to the costs of course clean-up and repair associated with it! In their new World circuit, they've replaced the traditional model with a large Bob-omb carried on a reinforced pick-up, reasoning the cost of a totaled pick-up truck is cheaper than fixing accumulated track damage from a point-blank explosion. If the MKRA can see the unnecessary expense in Bob-omb Cars, surely our own government should be able to! Look, I encourage anyone with sense to sign the Mushroom Kingdom Road and Traffic Commission's petition and to write their MPs to stop this threat before it emerges. If the rich truly wish to blow themselves up with an MKRA-emulating toy, let them buy the considerably less dangerous, road-prohibited Mini Bomb Karts left in a warehouse after the 64 circuit! |
Written by: Legend 8
Pyro: Oops.
That's certainly a fitting way to describe this situation. But what now?
The Sorcery Show
Episode 19: Highly Logical Evilness, Part 2
It is still the same day in the Mushroom Kingdom, and Pyrokles, Kroop and the Explainer are in a pretty difficult situation. When we last left our antilogical heroes, they were surrounded by many, many Agents of Absolute and Uncreative Logic. And, unsurprisingly, they still are...
Kroop: Well dang. We're DOOMED!
Agent 1: Yes, you very much are.
Agent 2: We are in full control of your premises. Operation "Distraction Hunt" was executed successfully.
Agent 3: Surrender to us, you are outnumbered. There is nothing you can do.
Pyro: But, uh... But it isn't even villain's month anymore! So you're not supposed to be here! Ha! Be gone, evildoers!
Agent 1: Oh, Pyro. Don't try to pull a Christmas Yeti on us. Haven't you realized yet that we are immune to your silly shenanigans?
Pyro: Well, was worth a try at least.
Aaactually, that immunity only exists when you are not taken by surprise. So we are not entirely defenseless, after a-
Agent 4: Oh shut up! You do not stand a chance.
Agent 3: Now, if you would please come with us?
Kroop: Never! If I learned one thing from Pyro, it's that one should never give up and instead hope for some crazy twist of fate to solve the problem. So that's what I'll do!
Pyro: Well spoken, Kroop. I agree.
So you do admit that you just hope it randomly goes well whenever something happens? Ugh.
Pyro: Hey, that's a valid strategy! And without it, we probably wouldn't even be here, so stop complaining!
Agent 1: Excuse me, but could you please quit arguing and follow us?
Kroop: Uh... No?
Pyro: I say! Young man, it is VERY rude to interrupt when the ADULTS are discussing IMPORTANT stuff! Go do something else and stop bothering us.
Agent 1: What? Uh...
Pyro: No respect for the elderly whatsoever... Absolutely shocking.
Kroop: Oh yes, quite shocking indeed!
Agent 4: Ugh! It's time for brainwashing now, so stop that annoying nonsense.
Brainwashing? I wonder how that even works on a semi-physical sentience like me. Maybe...
Pyro: *whispers* Yes, keep going! Distract them! I got a plan to escape.
Kroop: *whispers* Oh no. I hate it when you make plans. Can't you just let fate decide like you usually do?
Pyro: *whispers* Oh, I'm pretty sure fate is okay with this. After all, I have good contact to the author.
Kroop: *whispers* What author?!
...and so, the question is whether the brainwashing works on me while in physical form, or whether it doesn't, since I basically only abuse the space around me to form it into a body shape. Is it even necessary to possess a brain to be brainwashed? And I suppose, the effect of your pendulums is activated via watching it swing. That makes all of it even more complicated, as-
Agent 2: AAARGHRH!! Could someone please silence this freaking spectral know-it-all?! He's giving me headaches!
Agent 1: Well, same! But what can we even do against this bodiless thing!?
Pyro: You want earplugs?
Agent 4: Oh yes, thanks very much.
Pyro conjures some earplugs and rains them down from above the Agents. They each take a pair... but then hesitate.