The 'Shroom:Issue 220/Welcome To Cosmo Kart

Welcome To Cosmo Kart

Written by: TheBlueCatMenace

Bar D. Jokue's House, Bianco Hills.

Fired was one of Bar D. Jokue's least favourite words. He couldn't believe that after so much effort, Cosmo could have regained control of The Sunshine Travel Agency. It wasn't fair. Bar D. Jokue was born to write travel guides, but every try resulted in failure. (He did not take this as reasoning that perhaps, he was NOT born to write travel guides.).

Sitting on Bar D. Jokue's nearby desk was a half-eaten Yoshi's Burger, and an open issue of The 'Shroom. "Feline Travel Guide Writer Invited To Karting Tournament", the article read. "Somehow" Bar D. Jokue exclaimed, "Cosmo not only stole The Sunshine Travel Agency from my rightful hands, but somehow weaseled his way into a kart racing tournament, huh? Well, we'll see how he likes it, WHEN I TAKE FIRST PLACE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Cosmo's House, New Wikisburg.

Cosmo was triple-checking that he turned the oven off, when he got a call. "Hello Cosmo," The Phone said. "I trust you're doing well." "I'm fine, Mr Phone, thanks." Cosmo replied. "My name is not "Mr Phone", Cosmo." Sighed Mr Phone. "If you say so…" "I was just calling to remind you you're flying to the Karting Kontinent today." "Mr Phone, I travel all the time. I wouldn't forget the day of the most important flight of my life. I'm packed and ready to go." "That's great to hear, but my name is not MR PHO-" Cosmo hung up. He then ran upstairs and began frantically packing.

A few minutes later, after Cosmo had packed and said goodbye to his baby Rhinoceros (Long story), he was on the road. "Wow," He thought. "I can't believe I was invited to race in the brand new World Tour. I guess investing all that money and time into the Mario Kart Racing Association really paid off. It's weird, karting alongside Mario, Luigi, Princess Peach. At least I got a chance to practice…"

A few days later, Mario Bros. Circuit, Karting Kontinent

Cosmo was adding a few finishing stickers to his kart. Free advertisement is important, after all. His model was a Standard, with a dark blue finish. He had added the occasional Sunshine Travel Guide sticker, just because. He also had been given a special racing suit, the same colour as his kart, that included sleek black boots and gloves, a bandana, and some shades. He felt ready to race, which was good, cause it started in only a few minutes.

The racers were all set up in a large shed, where they would be given a signal to drive out and line up at the start of the track. This was the last time he would be able to talk to his pit crew for a while. The familiar Lakitu, Monty Mole and Cataquack trio walked up. They also wore blue, showing their support for Cosmo. "Alright pal," Began Montague the Mole. "Remember, there aren't any rules, besides the obvious, in this race, so use the landscape to your advantage."

"There's an audience watching this as well," Continued Luke, the Lakitu. "Keeping them entertained is part of the sport. I would recommend doing tricks, which give you a nice speed boost as well. Don't ask me how that works." "Of course, items will be key." Quack the Cataquack advised. "Don't worry about injuring the other racers either, we use state-of-the-art protection technology. Anyway, there's a reporter coming around. Just be honest, and don't be too serious."

Sure enough, a Goomba reporter was going from kart-to-kart, asking questions. Cosmo wondered if he worked for The 'Shroom. "How do you feel about your chances of victory, Mr Neko?" The reporter asked as he reached Cosmo's kart. "Well," Cosmo replied, "I'm not confident in a first place performance, some of these guys have been racing for years, but I think I can hold my own."

"And," The reporter continued. "What do you think of the rumours that Bar D. Jokue is trying to sneak into this tournament to sabotage you?" "Pfft, the MKRA would look pretty stupid if they let THAT happen." At that very moment, one of the members of Daisy's pit crew, a Pianta, seemed to chuckle to himself, and it quickly broke out into evil laughter. Everyone stared at him, and he apologised and got back to work.

Finally, the race could begin. Adrenaline coursed through the racers veins. The shed doors slowly opened, and the racers began to drive out. They each did a little flourish, Mario jumping in the air, Rosalina floating above her kart, and Waluigi snapped his fingers, very stylishly.

As they slowly lined up behind the starting line, the MKRA president floated down in his cloud to meet them. "Greetings, racers!" He yelled through a megaphone. "Welcome to the Mario Kart World Grand Tour! Over the next few days, you will be racing across the entire Karting Kontinent! You will be spending one lap at each of thirty major locations spanning the island. The placements of each racer will be recorded after every lap, earning you points depending on your positions. Whoever has the most points after the final lap is completed wins! Now without further ado…" The president pulled a starting light attached to a fishing pole out of his cloud.

"Three…two…one…GO!" Many of the racers boosted off at high speeds, except for an unlucky few whose engines seemed to malfunction. Cosmo, who had managed to pull off a rocket start, carefully maneuvered his kart around the other racers.

A few intrepid karters managed to grind on the safety rail, but most drivers chose to stay safely on the middle of the track. Cosmo examined his first item, a green shell. Carefully aiming, Cosmo sent it spinning straight into the wall. This was gonna take some practice. Cosmo sighed as he crossed the finish line in fourteenth.

The racer's next destination was Whistlestop Summit, a small mountain surrounded by train tracks. Cosmo had been deeply involved in the construction of this track, thanks to owning the train company used throughout the Karting Kontinent, Sunshine Railway.

As the racers began driving on the train tracks, they found themselves beginning to grind the rails. It seemed that the karts were built to make advanced techniques that would usually take lots of practice easy to perform. Cosmo, feeling confident, managed to jump, grind and drift all over the course, even managing to drive across the wall at one point.

Eventually, Cosmo found himself near the front of the pack. As he neared the finish line, Cosmo managed to throw a banana peel into Mario's path, slowing him down enough for Cosmo to take the lead. As he neared the finish line, Cosmo thought to himself: "Wow, I can't believe I'm in first place, against all these masters of karting! Nothing could stop me now!"

However, something stopped him. Just as he was about to cross the finish line, he heard the sound of a shell. Not just any shell though, a red shell. Panicking, Cosmo threw a banana peel behind his kart, hoping to block the shell. However, it did not come from behind. It came from above.

A mysterious racer had managed to ride across a billboard, giving him the speed he needed to toss a shell at Cosmo. They zoomed across the finish line at incredible speed, coming first. Fortunately, Cosmo managed to pull himself together in time to come sixth. Frustrated at his loss, he took his anger out on the unfortunate nearby racers, who found themselves pelted with shells and a Bob-omb. "Hey, that was unnecessary!" A Goomba yelled from underneath their overturned kart. "We weren't even in front of you!" "Sorry," Cosmo shouted back. "I'll send you a fruit basket or something."

The drivers continued into the deserts of the Karting Kontinent, as they raced into Desert Hills. Through an oasis, over sand dunes, through some ruins. Cosmo was stunned by the scenery. They continued to Shy Guy Bazaar, a town designed to be like a slice of Princess Daisy's Kingdom, Sarasaland.

Cosmo managed to grab a snack of Mushroom Kebabs from a small market stand as he raced past. Hoping that was allowed, he stuffed them in his mouth, and suddenly felt more alert. Speeding up his kart, he drove through a small side path, and flew off a ramp. Small wings folded out of the sides of his kart, allowing him to glide through the air.

"This is incredible!" Cosmo whooped. As he descended, he accidentally bounced off Wario's head. Wario screamed as Cosmo gained even more height. "Sorry!" He yelled in the general direction of Wario. Drifting around a final turn, Cosmo was in second when he crossed the finish line.

As he neared the mystery driver, he couldn't believe his eyes. Bar D. Jokue sat in the kart, laughing maniacally. "Bar D. Jokue?! How'd you get in this tournament?" "It was easy, you stupid cat. All I had to do was steal someone else's kart, put on a disguise, and become very popular with the audience! Then they wouldn't dare kick me out in fear of the internet backlash! The internet is very savage these days, you know."

"So what you're saying is, despite me funding and dedicating hours of time and effort into the MKRA's latest project, you, a threat to my safety, are being allowed into the tournament just because they don't want to lose ratings?" "Yeah, basically." Cosmo was very angry.

Cosmo decided to throw a shell at Bar D. Jokue. And another. And another. And a Bob-omb. And a Bob-omb tied to a shell. And a banana peel. And two more. And a banana peel tied to a Bob-omb. And a pie (Don't know where he got that). And a blue shell.

Cosmo felt better as he entered Wario Stadium, a massive course built from scrap metal. A roaring audience cheered as the racers drove across risky shortcuts, grinded rusty rails, and flew through the air as massive flamethrowers spit columns of flame into the sky. Cosmo managed to compete with the master of tricks, Waluigi, and secured first place as the drivers continued towards Airship Fortress.

"Hey, I wrote a travel guide for this place once, you know." Cosmo told Waluigi. "Waa, I don't care." Waluigi used a mushroom and sped off. "Well, I thought it was a good travel guide." Said Luigi as he passed by. "Thanks, Luigi." Cosmo said glumly.

Airship Fortress was a derelict castle that was used as a dock for airships that was decommissioned after the Dinosaur Land War. Cosmo indeed visited it before, meaning he was familiar with the layout. Now on a roll, Cosmo managed to land another first place.

However, as the competitors raced up the volcano Bowser's Castle was built upon, Cosmo ran into trouble. A small screen inside his kart warned him of an incoming threat. "A blue shell?!" Cosmo swerved, trying to shake the sapphire hunter off his trail, but to no avail.

The explosion was sudden, deafening, and disorienting. As Cosmo flew into the air, he saw blurs of other racers speed by, leaving him in last place. He hit the ground hard, and tried to shake off the confusion, before speeding off again.

Cosmo flew into Bowser's Castle, dodging flames and lightning. This mechanical fortress acted as a headquarters for Bowser to operate fortifications, airships and armies from. The MKRA weren't planning to allow Bowser's Castle to be constructed, until they met him in person, and suddenly changed their minds.

Due to the fact Bowser's Castle was an evil overlord's fortress, there were many obstacles scattered across the course. Many racers fell victim to the lava, minions, or electricity. Cosmo managed to dodge most of the obstacles, including a close call where he drove underneath a Lava Bubble, and secured a respectable fifth.

The racers continued through the massive skeleton of Dry Bones Burnout, where racers had to drive carefully, or risk being fried in the lava. They then moved towards Toad's Factory, where all of the items used in races were produced.

Cosmo used the conveyor belts to his advantage, collecting items as he went. The track was filled with absolute chaos as it was bombarded with items. Thanks to a Boo, Cosmo was able to turn invisible and incorporeal to avoid the onslaught.

Wielding a boomerang, Cosmo neared first place, where he saw none other than Bar D. Jokue again. "Ah, Bar D. Jokue. So we meet again." "Cosmo, I see you survived my blue shell." "Yes, but you won't survive this!" Cosmo tossed the boomerang at Bar D. Jokue. It stopped just short of him and came back to Cosmo. Cosmo tried again, but just barely missed. The third time he threw it, it bounced off the wall and broke.

Cosmo remained hot on Bar D. Jokue's heels as they raced through Choco Mountain, but by some uncanny luck, something always protected Bar D. Jokue, like reverse plot armor. However, as the racers pulled into Crown City, something changed…

Cosmo stole a truck. As he…what? Cosmo stole a truck? Isn't he the good guy? Wait a second, I'm the one writing this, I could just change it…nah, now that I think about it, Cosmo would totally steal a truck. Okay, back to the story.

Cosmo's brand new vehicle tore through racers, regular drivers, and obstacles alike. Cosmo quickly developed a big lead. Unfortunately, the truck self-destructed after about thirty seconds and Cosmo flew out. Riding across the rooftops, Cosmo took yet another first place.

Meanwhile, in dead last, sat Bar D. Jokue. Fuming as he raced up DK Spaceport, he kept muttering that "Trying to run him over was cheating". It didn't help that every single barrel rolling down the track managed to hit him. By the time the racers began gliding towards the Koopa Festival at Koopa Troopa Beach, Bar D. Jokue had fallen far, far behind.

Cosmo and Bar D. Jokue maintained the placements through the great music of Koopa Troopa Beach, the forgotten laboratory and real life dinosaurs of Dino Dino Jungle, and the beautiful scenery and dangerous paths of The Great ? Block Ruins.

Of course, Cosmo couldn't stay in front forever. He ended up being tossed into the air by a Cataquack straight into a Blue Shell. Recovering, he still felt confident as he left Peach Beach. There was no way Bar D. Jokue could catch up now…

Way back in dead last, Bar D. Jokue knew there was no way he could catch up now. Despite his items, he seemed to be targeted by every racer on the track, as if they knew he cheated his way into this race. He had no more tricks up his sleeve, no super big rocket boosters, no missiles, nothing. He was doomed. That's when everything went absolutely crazy.

The racers only saw it for a second before their karts were sent flying. Some mysterious blur with a level of power like no item. It couldn't be a Bullet Bill, too small. It cleaved a path straight through the racers, letting Bar D. Jokue pass by them. "What are you?" He questioned in awe.

The figure slowed down, revealing themself to be…Guy. "How's it going?" He asked. Bar D. Jokue's jaw hit the ground. "Oh, by the way, watch the road." Warned Guy as Bar D. Jokue slammed head on into a truck. Guy then disappeared suddenly, leaving everyone wondering what just happened. Even the writer!

Nevertheless, Bar D. Jokue took first as he surfed through Lagoon City, home of Salty Salty Speedway. He blew past the adorable animals of Faraway Oasis, laughing all the way. As the racers braved the rapids and waterfalls of Cheep Cheep Falls, many tried to catch up to him, but ended up flying off the course, except, of course, for…Cow?

Cosmo hated water and was carefully trying to avoid touching it, leaving him far behind. Meanwhile, Cow was ready to face this dastardly foe. Aiming his weapon of choice carefully, Bar D. Jokue was suddenly bombarded by hammers. They fell from the sky, blocked his path, and demolished his lead.

Meanwhile, Cosmo failed in his mission to avoid being soaked and was now flying through the water, fueled by a hatred of the hydrating threat. Thankfully, this meant he was back in the running, as the race continued across the ocean into the eerie Wario Shipyard, holding the famous shipwreck Wario's Galleon.

Tearing through the stormy sea's waves, Cosmo managed to survive a dangerous jump over a hole in the ship's skeleton. Making more risky jumps, he regained a place at the front of the pack.

The racers were caked in snow as they navigated their karts into DK Pass. Driving backwards through the course, Shy Guys steered snowboards around them. One Shy Guy slid up to Cosmo and they high fived. Staying far away from the edge of the road, Cosmo carefully drifted around the cliff. Bar D. Jokue was too busy using mushrooms to watch the road, and flew straight off the track.

The tour was reaching its tail end, and many competitors knew it. Entering the homestretch, the rules changed slightly to turn the road into a warzone. The item boxes were upgraded to include rarer, more powerful items more often. Drivers could use their abilities to get the upper hand. The top racers were going to have to use every trick in the book to stay on the podium.

Thanks to his natural and supernatural abilities, Cosmo could both wreck other karts and defend himself. Toad and Toadette called in dozens of more Toads to help them, blocking items and overwhelming opponents. Bowser burned anyone dumb enough to get in his way.

Sky-High Sundae managed to withstand the constant chaos, though did end up with a few holes from hungry karters. Waluigi turned into a vampire and used evil vampire spells to turn racers into random household appliances. Plus, his skin sparkled in the sun, blinding those who gazed upon him.

Wario ate garlic and farted. Are those "Natural abilities?" Rosalina froze the wheels of karts. Donkey Kong tossed barrels. Luigi asked people politely if he could pass. Anyone who passed him withered under his Glare of Death and Destruction. Starview Peak's beautiful architecture was ignored by the brawling racers, and the caves of Dandelion Depths were shaken by the unfolding battle.

Racers fell into the sludge surrounding Boo Cinema, but stopped fighting for a bit to watch a movie. Then they decided to fight inside the movie. They seemed to shrink in the forests of Acorn Heights, and admired the beauty of nature. Then they got back to blowing each other up. The MKRA began to wonder if they could pay for the medical bills.

Audiences cheered as the drivers half-drove, half-battled into Mario Circuit. The course was modeled after the original Mario Kart Tournament, but ended up looking like a wasteland. Moo Moos drew their weapons to defend their farm against the warriors on the horizon. Many fell victim to the bovine bruisers. The cows with guns would go on to conquer many lands, in an event now known as the "Cattle Crusade."

Finally, the end was in sight. Only about a dozen survivors made it to the final course, Peach Stadium. Cosmo was in second, fighting Bar D. Jokue and Guy, who were in first. Ripping down the road, they tore through traffic as Cosmo defended against the barrage of attacks.

"This is it, Cosmo." Bar D. Jokue taunted. "Soon I'll defeat and humiliate you, showing the world I am the superior travel guide writer!" "Wouldn't a better way to decide that be checking which one of us owns a super-popular travel agency? Oh wait, that's me." Angered, Bar D. Jokue leapt for Cosmo…

Time seemed to stand still as Bar D. Jokue flew through the air…and didn't stop. Well, it was more falling now. Bar D. Jokue chose some unfortunate timing to jump, as the racers jumped over a ramp. He completely missed his target and was now plunging to a loss. "This isn't the last you've seen of Barnabus Dominic Jokue!" He yelled as he fell.

Guy was distracted by the probable death of his bestie, and left himself open to attack. Cosmo sent him spinning straight into a wall. Cosmo finally saw the finish line…and got blue shelled. Exploding over the finish line, Cosmo came skidding to a stop, he dazed, and looked up. Waluigi stood above him. "Waluigi WINS!" He yelled. "It's not that simple," said a nearby worker. "It's not just who crosses the finish line in first, remember?" "WAAHT?!"

Cosmo was quickly whisked off to a ceremony where the winners would be announced. Cosmo was given a seat among other big CEOs. Maybe he should've brought a suit. Every racer was here, in various bandages and casts. Minus Bar D. Jokue of course.

The lights darkened as the president of the MKRA took the stage. The greatest moments of the tour were shown on a massive screen. Cosmo saw himself a few times, in particular him stealing a truck. The other CEOs looked at him, perplexed. The president gave a speech about how far the Mario Kart Tournaments have come, and congratulated every racer. He then revealed a podium behind him, and announced the winners of the Mario Kart World Tour. "In third place…Birdo! Birdo blew a kiss to the audience as she took a bronze trophy. In second place… Cosmo! Cosmo was stunned. He got second! Walking up to the stage, he took the silver trophy. He turned to the audience and said:

"Remember to vote in the Awards." "Oh, voting ended already." Someone yelled. "Uh, than write for The 'Shroom." The audience either laughed, cheered, or turned to the person next to them and asked what that was. Cosmo walked to the podium and took his place on it. "Finally, in first…"

Racers were tense. The audience was silent. Somebody dropped their pin, and everyone heard it. The quiet was so loud no one could hear anything. The dramatic pause lasted for so long everyone began to think the president suddenly died standing up. People shuffled in their chairs. Everyone was on the edge of their seats, and some even fell off them. Everyone wanted to know who won.

"Bar D. Jokue!" The room was shocked. There were indignant cries everywhere. "Uh, where is he?" The president asked Cosmo. "Dead." Cosmo said, no emotion in his voice. The president's eyes widened. At that very moment, the doors to the room swung open. "Hey guys." The familiar voice of Bar D. Jokue said. "I missed the ground."

Bar D. Jokue strode slowly through the tomatoes being flung at him. He calmly took the stage, and prepared to take his trophy. While this was happening, Cosmo had been staring soullessly out a window. His mind was in complete shock. But he noticed something in the distance.

A swirling rainbow orb was floating above the bridge, swirling with many colours. A bright flash encompassed the galaxy. The room thrown into confusion, Cosmo pointed outside, mouth agape. Rainbow Road. The World Tour wasn't done yet.

The MKRA decided an extra race would take place on the colourful course, and drivers would not be able to use their powers anymore, after all those medical bills. However, you could get three times the points. Everyone was gathered at Peach Stadium, revving their engines. They flew off a ramp and began to glide as the countdown began. "3…2…1…GO!"

Racers sped across the water towards the gateway to Rainbow Road. No fighting, just racing skill. And item luck. As the group neared the Crown Bridge, the rainbows seemed to brighten. As everyone blasted off a glider ramp, they disappeared into a blinding light.

Silence. Emptiness. And then the world burst into colours. The magical track left every racer in awe. The skilled karters had to weave their way among the clouds, while making sure not to speed straight off the road. Cosmo drifted along the edges, with a banana in tow. He jumped from path to path as the clouds split the way forward into two.

Bar D. Jokue was not so lucky. His kart kept slipping off the sides of the multicoloured marvel. He struggled as the pack landed on a floating archipelago. They glided across glittering water as an iridescent train flew through the air past them.

Passing an item box, Bar D. Jokue got it. The legendary Bullet Bill. Zooming along the track without even trying, he once again took the lead. "Ugh, are you kidding me?" Cosmo groaned. "Is this the only conflict you can think of?" Shut up, Cosmo. I'm doing my best.

Cosmo was hot on Bar D. Jokue's heels as they flew into space. Cosmo was calm as they flew into space, he's been there before, but Bar D. Jokue screamed in absolute terror. Him and Cosmo left the other racers in their dust as they were fueled by their intense rivalry.

However, Bar D. Jokue's kart wasn't doing well, after being constantly attacked during the entire tour. As the two bitter enemies flew back into orbit, Bar D. Jokue taunted Cosmo. "I'm too far in front! You'll never beat me now!" "Yeah?" Cosmo replied, "there's something you should remember about being in first." A radar beeped. A distance swoosh became louder.

Bar D. Jokue's eyes widened underneath his glasses. "Blue shells." Cosmo finished. The explosion obliterated Bar D. Jokue's kart. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" He screeched as he plunged down into the atmosphere.

The flying train passed Cosmo as he flew towards the finish line, now trailing train cars. He looked at them, remembering his journey. Sitting on the final one were his siblings. They cheered and shouted words of encouragement. A tear left Cosmo's eye, though he swore it was sweat. He won.

A second ceremony was held on Rainbow Road. Third, Mario. Second, Birdo. And first, Cosmo. He ran up to his siblings as they all lost their minds. After calming down, well, a little, Cosmo asked: "I thought you guys were fighting crime families in New Donk! How'd you get here in time?" Kat laughed. "That's a long story…"

Cosmo and his siblings stayed in the Karting Kontinent for a while, to write a new issue of The Sunshine Travel Guide. They hadn't reunited just to have fun in a while. Cosmo had special trophies made for his pit crew, who taught him so much.

When he returned home to New Wikisburg, he was greeted by a big crowd. Autographing, answering questions, and taking photos, he was exhausted by the time he got home. He flopped onto his bed, and fell asleep.

The End

Or is it?

Bar D. Jokue climbed out of the waters of the Karting Kontinent, with the help of Guy. "Foiled again." He growled. "But Cosmo hasn't defeated me for good. Soon, he will tremble at the feet of Bar D. Jokue!"

The End

Okay, not really.

"So Bar D. Jokue has failed again." A janitor leaned on his mop, watching the news. "Maybe it's time I take matters into my own hands." "The only things your hands should be doing is cleaning that floor!" A Pianta yelled. The janitor sighed. "I'll be right on it, Frankie." But as he cleaned the floor, he began to create a plan. A plan to reclaim his place as The Sunshine Travel Agency CEO…

The End, really.

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