The 'Shroom:Issue 172/Fake News
Over halfway through the year now. In our latter half of our issues, we do hope you continue to read the paper.
This month introduces several new sections. Our director, Hooded Pitohui (talk), is providing us with Going Wild, and Shoey, the supplier of four and a half sections for our team this issue, is introducing Inside Look, Our Leaders and Interview with a Shoe. In addition, new writer Bubbasour11 is providing a section of Monthly Inquisition for us to all enjoy.
Section of the Month
Last month was the month for relativity new writers! In an unusual occurrence, both Waluigi Time (talk) and Maximumriley (talk) tied for first with fifteen votes each; RabbidYoshi2 (talk) additionally found a respectable 11 votes. Thanks again to all our writers and readers, and please vote, vote, and vote!
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
|1st||Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown||15||24.59%||Waluigi Time|
|2nd||Let's-a-Go Around the World||11||18.03%||RabbidYoshi2|
Written by: Horace Shoely
Legendary Tag Team Issues Challenge:
Well folks, I thought I had seen it all over the last twenty years of viewing professional wrestling, but I can say the latest episode of Mushroom Wrestling Federation Slam TV (airing every Tuesday at 9 PM) left me shocked. It started like any other show, with the popular ten time - and current - Mushroom Wrestling Federation Tag Team champions, the Mushroom Marauder and Jake "The Crusher" Fungus, entering the ring for a promo. But, almost immediately, things took a turn for the shocking when the Mushroom Marauder began to speak.
Marauder: "You know something? Me and Crusher Jake have been in this business a long time, defeated a lot of foes, and beaten the very best. Isn't that right, Jake?"
Jake: "That's right, Marauder."
Marauder: "We thought we had seen it all, but, let me tell you: Me and Jake are disgusted by this Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown show."
Jake: "That's right! Disgusted!"
Marauder: "You've got Slurp Guys drinking their opponents, freaks being presented as fighters, and mad painters interrupting matches!"
Jake: "And don't forget bringing out washed up corpses and presenting them as stars!" [The crowd roared extra loud at that line.]
Marauder: "I tell you IT'S A GODDAMN DISGRACE TO THE BUSINESS. IT'S NOTHING BUT GAGA CARNY BULLSHIT! THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS BUSINESS IS ABOUT. ME AND JAKE DIDN'T POUR OUR BLOOD, SWEAT, AND TEARS INTO THIS BUSINESS JUST TO HAVE SOME CEREAL MAKER RUIN IT WITH HIS GIMMICKY NONSENSE!"
Jake: "THAT'S RIGHT, MARAUDER. SO HERE'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN: WALUIGI TIME, WE'RE CALLING YOU OUT. NEXT SUNDAY AT THE MUSHROOM WRESTLING FEDERATION SLAM DOWN, I'M GONNA THROW DOWN 5,000 COINS AND THE MARAUDER IS GONNA THROW DOWN 5,000 COINS, AND WE WANT YOUR TWO BEST GUYS IN A TAG TEAM MATCH. YOU BRING YOUR TWO BEST GUYS, AND NOT ONLY WILL IT BE WINNER TAKE ALL, BUT WE'RE GOING TO BEAT SOME RESPECT FOR THIS BUSINESS INTO THEM!"
I mean, wow, can you believe what happened? We all know there's a war going on between Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the Glitz pit, and the Mushroom Wrestling Federation. But can you believe they would call direct attention to a rival like that? Now, there is a bit of cynicism with all this. It's no secret that Mushroom Wrestling Federation Slam TV ratings have been dipping because of increased competition from Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, and there are those that think this is just an attempt to increase interest in next Sunday's big show. No matter what happens, though, I, for one, can't wait to see what goes down next Sunday at the Mushroom Wrestling Federation Slamdown!
Written by: Walter G. Timeson
Cereal Bubble Pops, Dreams Crunched:
Mushroom Kingdom economists were baffled last month when an unprecedented number of new companies selling cereal were created in an incredibly short amount of time. The suddenly heightened interest in cereal caused the stock prices of cereal companies, both established and new alike, to reach record high levels.
Unfortunately, corporate greed quickly got the better of some of these new cereal entrepreneurs, resulting in attempts by multiple corporations to absorb all cereal companies into a single megacorporation. Although none of these attempts were successful, they did directly result in the quick demise of at least one company which was attempting to do so.
Calls were soon made for regulation of the cereal industry. In response, the Mushroom Kingdom Food Administration set up its own cereal watch to perform regular inspections of the cereal companies to ensure they are meeting health and safety standards. An organization called the Cereal Committee was also formed, though what, if any, authority it has is unknown at this time. However, this prompted opposition by many cereal companies as well as some consumers who were concerned with what they perceived to be unnecessary bureaucracy.
The cereal fad proved to be short-lived, and soon disappeared almost as quickly as it came. Stock prices fell dramatically, and many of the new companies were forced to file for bankruptcy. Prolific cereal company Waluigi Time Cereal Incorporated responded by forming the Cereal Makers Guild, which reportedly aims to help up-and-coming cereal makers by using the company's resources to produce their cereals. This move has been criticized by some as being a potential attempt to create a monopoly.
Other entrepreneurs took advantage of the declining interest in cereal by creating alternative breakfast products, including the Toastie™. The 'Shroom is currently attempting to acquire a Toastie™ for review but so far we have been unsuccessful due to their high popularity.
The market seems to have stabilized for the time being, but The 'Shroom will be keeping an eye on the tumultuous breakfast food market and reporting any new developments. Fellow reporter Andergoom Shoeper has also obtained an exclusive interview with notorious cereal magnate Waluigi Time, so be sure to check that out as well if you are interested.
Written by: Bubbasaour11
Hi, and welcome to Monthly Inquisition. Now, you may be wondering who I am and where Goombuigi is. If so, then, STOP BEING LOUD IN THE AUDIENCE! If not, too bad; I will answer them for all of you anyways. My name is Bubbasour11 and Goombuigi is done with Monthly Inquisition. And, no, I did not kick him off. He was done when I got here. If he wasn't done, I would have tried to be his co-host. Well enough about me, let's interview Rosalina!
*One week later*
*Rosalina starts to sweat*
*Yoshi and Rabbid Yoshi break in*
*Yoshi And Rabbid Yoshi start shooting Rosalina while Bubbasour11 and Toadette escort the audience out of the building. Then Rosalina starts to shoot Star Bits at the Yoshis. Eventually, the building collapses, but, somehow, everyone gets out safely.*
Mafia Revival Sparks Interest in Guild Renewal
In a stunning turn of events, Mafia, the once popular roleplaying game, long thought to have been killed off for good due to lack of interest, has been making a comeback recently. What started with a one-off game centered in Rougeport has led to a mini-revival of sorts for the once popular pastime. After having only one Mafia game since 2017 (that being YoshiFlutterJump's aptly titled "Super Mario Boards Mafia 2020"), 2021 has seen the playing of three mafia games with a fourth (Lost in Space: Galactic Mafia) soon to be played. Many are excited about this newfound Mafia popularity and, in fact, many of the people playing these new Mafias didn't exist during the golden age of Mafia, making their excitement easy to understand. Some of the more veteran players have expressed concerns over whether or not this newfound momentum will last, with some people even expressing a desire to recreate the defunct Mafia Hosts Guild to regulate these Mafia games.
We reached out to former Mafia Hosts Guild Ambassador and art promoter, GBAToad, who had this to say:
The Mafia Hosts Guild was a simple organization that existed for the betterment of Mafia as a whole. The way it worked was that the Mafia Hosts Guild would help keep games organized, help create new roles, and of course make sure there weren't too many games running at once. Did the old Guild go too far? Perhaps, but that doesn't mean we should keep the current system of chaos going. Things might be going good now, but what happens when everyone is trying to create Mafias and nobody can get players for them? That's right; the game will die. We must bring back the guild to help avoid that fate.
Others have pointed out that GBAToad might be overexaggerating the Mafia Hosts Guild's usefulness. Many of us will remember that battle to get the schedule removed, as well as the guild surrounding itself with useless red tape that just made the act of playing a Mafia game a hassle. For this reporter's part, I think a wait-and-see approach is called for. I do believe that if we end up in a situation where multiple Mafia games are going at once, we could end up burning out the player base. But right now, I don't see the need to rebuild the guild when we're at a nice sweet sport of games happening every one to two months.
While GBAToad agreed to appear in this section, comments made here are humorous, and should not be taken as representative of any users' real opinions.
As summer heats up and people turn to an island life – apart from those who have already turned off – we turn our minds to someone who won't be joining us at our summer barbecues, the amazing Winky, who sadly passed away earlier this month.
Close friends like Donkey Kong were devastated, until they remembered that they hadn't actually seen Winky in years, and had instead focused on friends like Rambi and Enguarde. Rattly the Rattlesnake said: "Look, all Winky was good for was bouncing, at least I could… bounce more."
Winky led a quiet life on DK Island, a life that only got more quiet as the frog ended up forgotten by those who were closest to him. King K. Rool was said to have expressed deep sorrow at Winky's loneliness and was thought to have attempted to recruit him into the Kremling Krew. These plans ultimately didn't come to force after King K. Rool was also forgotten by game developers in favour of fun? new enemies.
As his fame on DK Island evaporated before his very eyes, Winky attempted to eye up another Nintendo franchise, trying to live alongside humans in idyllic worlds, but he was passed over by Wart's son, who up until that point was a relative unknown. Even Mario hadn't bothered defeated him when he went through Subcon. Subsequent attempts to join the Animal Crossing franchise were disrupted by Epona as well as two squirrels who attempted to pass themselves off as the Squid Sisters. When Villager was asked for comment, he simply said: "We did it," to thunderous applause from Tom Nook and gathered animals.
Winky's funeral is due to be held tomorrow, and will be attended by Donkey Kong and friends. Rattly was not invited, but it's thought that Winky got the last laugh over the slippery snake, as he at least got a trophy in Super Smash Bros. for Wii U.
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Medical World Shocked After Dr. Goomba Stack Revealed to be three Goombas in a Labcoat:
It was a stunning day at the Mushroom General hospital yesterday following the stunning reveal that Dr. Goomba Stack was in fact three Goombas in a labcoat and not, as previously thought, one big Goomba. Head of the department of infectious diseases, Dr. Goomba Stack was a well-respected doctor by his colleagues, who have expressed hurt and confusion following the revelation. Head of the radiology department, Dr. 8-Bit Dr. Mario, told us the following:
You think you know a guy I mean Dr. Goomba Tower was the best man at my wedding and to find out he was really three Goomba’s the whole time? It’s just crazy man.
Outside the hospital, both patients and ethics groups have brought forward concerns and expressed outrage that Dr. Goomba Tower was allowed to operate for the last fifteen years without anyone noticing that he was really three Goombas, with one patient telling us the following:
What's happened is outrageous. Sure, Dr. Goomba Tower appears to be a good doctor, but what assurances do we have that all three Goombas are even doctors? For all we know, only one of them is a doctor and the other two are just along for the ride.
For their part, Mushroom General has pledged to launch a full and rigorous investigation into Dr. Goomba Tower's credentials and has pledged that there will be discipline handed out if it is found to be warranted.
This is truly the biggest scandal in the medical world in the last ten years. For more detailed analysis on the impact to the medical world, we've reached out to former Chief of Surgery at the Toad Town Clinic, Dr. Hood, and former Director of Pathology at Krem Quay General, Dr. Shoey.
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
The Wrecking Ball with Whomper Thwompite
July XX, XXXX Nightly Report
Hello, this is the Wrecking Ball, and I am your host Whomper Thwompite. We are bringing you this show live from Buenos Aires to report recent developments in developments near and far.
Good evening dear viewers. We have some news for you all. We were off the air last month due to some unforeseen technical issues due to accounting errors. As a result, this program is now under the partial ownership of Wascally Wabbit Tech. We assure you that this move will not change the quality of this broadcast you all have come to love.
What this does mean is that we have changed our studio, thanks to generous upgrades from W.W. Tech CEO Mr. Insect Hare. As we are still in the finishing stages of getting our new set-up running, we will not bring you news from the wider community. However, we can offer you a brief tour of the new studio!
You may not know that The Wrecking Ball with Whomper Thwompite is not the only program housed in this studio. In fact, I am not the only one that uses this desk. The Midday Show with Toady Falcon shoots right before us. The other programs housed in this studio include a weather show and sports show occasionally hosted by the esteemed sports commentator Waluigi.
Our new set-up includes a custom background which we can use to show you footage of our excursions between every show. It’s currently off right now as our tech expert is working with the electrician to fix some wiring issues. The desk also has a series of buttons for sound effects and a teleprompter which you can see is saying everything I am saying as I am saying it. How fun is that?
Lastly, we’d like to bring out Mr. Insect Hare for some final words as we move back into your regularly scheduled programming. Is there anything you’d like to say, Mr. Hare?
“Yes, and thank you, Mr. Thwompite. We at Wascally Wabbit Tech use any means to make the future a reality today. That is why I parted from my previous business partners, including the esteemed Mr. Elk, to bring this venture to Buenos Aires. We have many surprises in store in the coming months that will blow all our viewers’ minds, and I am sure yours as well, Mr. Thwompite.
Thank you, Mr. Hare. Unfortunately, dear viewers, that is all the time we have. Please tune in next time for another episode of The Wrecking Ball with Whomper Thwompite.
The Wrecking Ball with Whomper Thwompite is proudly sponsored by Wascally Wabbit Tech, a leader in financial and technological innovations. Talk to a consultant today if you need to explore anything between stock options and a new computer. Thank you.
Interview with a Shoe
Welcome everybody to Interview with a Shoe the Shroom's premier interview segment. I’m your host Andergoom Shoeper and tonight's guest is famed cereal industrialist turned wrestling promoter Waluigi Time. How are you doing tonight Waluigi Time?
Waluigi Time: Wah-nderful!
Andergoom Shoeper: Let's start where it all began cereal.
Tell me when did you first begin to take an interest in cereal? How did a small time the streets of New Wikisburg manage to create the biggest breakfast empire the world has ever seen?
Waluigi Time: Well Mr. Shoeper, it all started just a few months ago, when I was inspired by a friend with let's say more unique tastes. Cereal today is so boring, all the other cereal companies think they're making interesting new products when all they're doing is changing colors and shapes. Here at Waluigi Time Cereal Incorporated, we're always coming up with unique recipes that I guarantee you've never seen before. Clearly that's what the people want and I think that's why my cereals are so successful.
Andergoom Shoeper: Of course! Now many will be aware of your patented and unique cereal recipe but tell us did you try anything other flavor combinations before settling on your current recipe?
Waluigi Time: Waluigi Time Cereal was actually the result of an extensive brainstorming session. I can't even tell you offhand how many different ingredients were considered, I'm sure it was at least a dozen. In the end I decided to go with the iconic recipe on shelves today for simplicity and accessibility to the consumer.
Andergoom Shoeper:Of course not everybody is a fan of Waluigi Time cereal tell me what is your response to the criticism that your cereal tastes like rotten mayo mixed with onions?
Waluigi Time: Some people just aren't ready for my creative genius I think, everyone has different tastes and that's okay. I don't think that's any reason to slander my products though. If you don't like it then there's plenty of other cereals out there you can buy, including other products by Waluigi Time Cereal Incorporated.
Andergoom Shoeper: I'm glad you brought up other products because as we've seen over the last week the breakfast food market is more competitive then ever. Why just this week it feels like a dozen different cereals were launched and that's not even factoring in Revin's new intriguing "Toasties". So tell me how does Waluigi Time Cereal plan on competing in this new expanded market?
Waluigi Time: It's quite an interesting phenomenon I have to say, I certainly didn't expect so many people to get in on the cereal industry in such a short timeframe. Of course we're working on new cereals as always, but we've also recently established the Cereal Makers Guild in the hopes that these fledgling cereal visionaries can see their products made without having to deal with the major financial risk of starting their own company.
Andergoom Shoeper:Now this Cereal Makers Guild you mentioned it's true you play a major part in running it correct?
Waluigi Time: Yes, the Cereal Makers Guild is essentially just an individual branch of my company.
Andergoom Shoeper: So what do you say to the speculation that the Cereal Makers Guild isn't intended to help small cereal makers as you claim. But is instead intended to absorb other cereal makers into your company thus limiting the competition?
Waluigi Time: I'm not surprised at the cynicism out there. The thing is we have already seen multiple cereal startup companies fail or come very close to failing. The Cereal Makers Guild aims to help these entrepreneurs by giving them an opportunity to prevent this entirely, especially when the industry is so unstable right now.
Andergoom Shoeper: On the subject of market instability, what is your opinion of the dramatic increase in cereal regulation? In the last week we've seen your guild be made, a cereal committee. and finally the newly established The Mushroom Kingdom Food Administration cereal watch.
Waluigi Time: Well first I have to correct you on one thing, the Cereal Makers Guild doesn't actually have anything to do with regulating the industry. Anyway, it's a bit concerning if you ask me. Sure, they're just talking about health and safety standards right now, but I'm not convinced that they're going to stop there. How long until they start arbitrarily regulating what ingredients can be included in a product being advertised as cereal? That would be terrible for my business. I've also heard rumors that the cereal watch has been attempting to shut down companies by digging failed test batches out of the trash.
Andergoom Shoeper: If regulations continue to stiffen do you believe you and other cereal makers will have to raise prices to compensate for the money you're paying on inspections and increased testing?
Waluigi Time:I certainly hope not but I imagine we would eventually have to, yes.
Andergoom Shoeper: I wanna circle back to something you said real quick. You said the cereal watch is digging up failed test batches. Could you explain to the readers what the means and how that will affect cereal production?
Waluigi Time: Well there's a lot that goes into making cereal and you have to do a lot of testing to make sure your product is how you want it to be and that it meets health codes. If these rumors are true, then the cereal watch is knowingly shutting down companies using something that is not representative of the final product and was never meant to be distributed to consumers. So basically you have a corrupt organization depriving consumers of a greater variety of products for unknown reasons, in essence they're actually bringing us closer to monopolies being established.
Andergoom Shoeper: Sounds like something that would be bad for the consumers.
Waluigi Time: Yes, definitely. I think there should be an investigation performed on this agency as soon as possible.
Andergoom Shoeper:I definitely believe we're going too far with all this regulation. But at this point in time I'd like to segue into another subject that of your other passion Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown. First question I'd like to ask which came first: cereal or wrestling?
Waluigi Time: The wrestling came first actually, I established Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown about a month before starting my cereal company. Andergoom Shoeper: Tell me what made you decide that you wanted to be a wrestling promoter?
Waluigi Time: It seemed entertaining, and I wanted to create something different. Smackdown obviously isn't the only wrestling tournament here in the Mushroom Kingdom, but in a lot of those other tournaments you just see the same fighters over and over. Having new fighters appear every month makes things more interesting, I think. You never know who's going to show up next.
Andergoom Shoeper: You've made it your mission statement to constantly promote new fighters but don't you think you're running the risk of alienating your viewers by denying them popular stars?
Waluigi Time: I don't think so, after all Smackdown thrives on suggestions from our viewers. I think the fans enjoy seeing new things and feeling like they can be a part of it in some way.
Andergoom Shoeper: Now there have been those that feel that Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown matches seem to lack purpose. Tell me have you considered crowning any champions?
Waluigi Time: That's in the works, actually. It's still quite a few months out but we are planning to hold a tournament to crown a Smackdown champion.
Andergoom Shoeper: Sounds very exciting! Do you think you could give us a sneak peak of anybody who will be in it?
Waluigi Time: Let's just say you'll be seeing a lot of winners in it.
Andergoom Shoeper: You've recently had some trouble with a Mr. Phineas J Shoe. interrupting matches do you have any ideas on how to stop that? Waluigi Time: I'm hoping to beef up security outside the building so we don't get a hole blown in the side of it again. We'll see how things go from there.
Andergoom Shoeper: I know you're a busy man but do you still watch your opposition's shows?
Waluigi Time: I can't really say that I do.
Andergoom Shoeper: So you haven't heard of the Mushroom Marauder and Jake the Crusher Fungus challenge for any two of your fighters?
Waluigi Time: No, I haven't unfortunately.
Andergoom Shoeper: Do you have any intentions of meeting this challenge?
Waluigi Time: Well, if the fans really want to see them, I'm happy to bring them to Smackdown. But frankly I have no intentions of dealing with a clear publicity stunt for an organization that's been floundering in the ratings for decades.
Andergoom Shoeper: We're almost out of time but before we go I wanna ask you just a few questions about your recent attempts at a political career. First I'd like to know why you've decided to go after the Porcupuffer?
Waluigi Time: The Porcupuffer is not only a nuisance but has proved itself to be incredibly dangerous. There have been plenty of reports of Porcupuffer attacks in just about every location they are known to reside in.
Andergoom Shoeper: While it is true that Porcupuffers have been known to act aggressive what do you say to statistics that show that there's fewer than 15 Porcupuffer attacks per year?
Waluigi Time: The only reason incidences of Porcupuffer attacks are low is because the Porcupuffer population itself is low.
Andergoom Shoeper: Which is why they're listed as a protected species correct? A status you wish to change, correct?
Waluigi Time: I'm not interested in having their protected status removed, I just want them to be recognized for the nuisance they are and to stop people from voting for Hammer Bros. as Worst Enemy when they don't deserve it.
Andergoom Shoeper: And this has nothing to do with your attempts to purchase land on Vanilla Secret 3?
Waluigi Time: It is true that I recently attempted to purchase land in the area but that has nothing to do with my campaign. Andergoom Shoeper: If you say so...Now that isn't the only political move you've made. You recently made waves with your "joke" campaign for Poll Committee Chairman. Tell me what inspired you to make such a campaign?
Waluigi Time: It's a pretty simple answer, no one else was doing it and I wanted to push someone to run for the position. I figured the best way to do that was to create an intentionally bad campaign so that someone would challenge me. It looks like my plan worked!
Andergoom Shoeper: And what do you say to critics that say it wasn't civic duty that caused you to do this but rather a publicity stunt for Waluigi Time Cereal?
Waluigi Time: Not everything is a publicity stunt, but unfortunately when you're a public figure the cynics out there will criticize everything you do. And I do mean everything.
Andergoom Shoeper: But it is true you pledged to do every poll as a cereal poll. So you can see why they would think that?
Waluigi Time: That's a fair criticism, but when you have a gimmick, you have a gimmick. So that's why I included that joke.
Andergoom Shoeper: That's all the time we have for this month. I'd like to thank Waluigi Time for appearing with us.
Waluigi Time: It was great to be here.
Andergoom Shoeper: Join us next time (whenever that is) for another Interview with a Shoe!
Partying All Night
OH NO! A new Mario Party got announced, and I have no idea how to crash it like I always do! Can you help me come up with a plan there's no way Mario could ever stop?
I may be Mario's hat, but you have gotten into a tight spot for sure, so I'll help. My plan has 3 steps, and I personally consider it Mario-proofed. Step One: Get Kamek and ask him to send you through time and space, and if you see he's taken the day off due to being overworked, just jump into a "time hole" and it will have the same effect. Step Two: Grab the star vacuum from your previous endeavors, and travel through time! Step Three: Suck up the stars, ztars, and Mini Stars from your timeline, and watch the fireworks.
This results in you being able to beat Mario at anything due to your invincibility, which includes both your climactic battles, as well as soccer and tennis. Plus, this gives you an excuse to see classic locales and friends from your past and recruit them to your cause. How hard would it be to get back the Stars if there was only Red Spaces on every board you saw, or at least five or six? Probably very hard, so you should follow my advice.
My employees have had it! They went on strike, demanding an actual monthly salary and health plan, but the Wario won't concede until they stop being so lazy! How can I make my employees be more productive?
Hope you give me the WAA,
You're in one of the worst dilemmas I've ever seen, so I'd be happy to help. One of the things I'd recommend is renegotiating their contracts so they get paid, because you definitely have enough money to give them, at the bare minimum, 15 coins an hour. I mean, you have 9 million coins at this point, so you should at least give 15 coins per hour to your employees. Next, you should give them a raise based on how many microgames they make in a day. This could make the final product better as well, so it's win-win. You should probably also give praise to your employees so that you can motivate them to reach something like 40 microgames each hour. If everything goes smoothly, your employees will be more productive, you can afford more big events to sponsor your product, and your series may be in the best shape it's ever been, so listen to my advice.
Hope you listen,
Rocketing to the Castle!
We need your help! To catch Pikachu, we need some funding for new catching machines and Arbo Tanks, and we are BROKE. But we've found a castle that seems to have all the money we need, even though it's guarded on all sides and angles with a lanky purple guy inside. Can you help us sneak in?
To protect the world from devastation,
Dear Team Rocket,
Um… I think you sent this to the wrong address, but since I got this letter, why not answer it? To safely sneak past the guards, catch a Ivysaur and use either Yawn or Stun Spore on them, so they are powerless to stop you, and are instead asleep or paralyzed. Then, try using your Inkay to destroy all the traps on the ground using Psychic, and leaving the activatable ones for later. If Waluigi or Wario sees you, use Psyshock to make him crash into the ceiling and then activate the movable booby traps to keep them there until the deed is done. Then walk into the throne room, get the treasure before the guards notice you inside, and run like the wind outta there!
To unite all people within our nation,
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Welcome back once again to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament where crazed supervillains hijack the match to earn prize money. As always, I'm your host, Waluigi Time. I don't really have much to say this time, so let's get right into it!
Give it up for our first contestant... ANKIRON!
Now that's a tank if I ever saw one! Well, I guess Sherms are more tank-like, but that's beside the point. Unfortunately, Ankiron's huge shell is too heavy for them to even move, but who needs to move when you can fire bombs from your built-in cannons and hide inside an impenetrable shell? Also they smell like feet.
Our next contestant pushes the boundaries of what actually constitutes a fighter, please welcome ROTTEN MUSHROOM!
This rotten Super Mushroom is what I like to call a Poison Mushroom with ambition. They actively try to chase down whoever's unfortunate enough to be the closest to them, and then force themselves down your throat. Fun. But unlike Poison Mushrooms, Rotten Mushrooms can also jump up ledges! Pretty impressive for a fungus with no legs or even feet. Pools of lava or poisonous water aren't a problem for them either, they'll just roll right through. You're going to have to try pretty hard to escape one of these!
I wonder if it would violate any health codes to put it in cereal...
This is quite an interesting matchup here because it's never actually been seen before. Rotten Mushrooms aren't endemic to Ankiron's native Greenhorn Forest, so we have no idea how it affects them. That's right, we're conducting groundbreaking science experiments here at Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown! Maybe I can apply for a grant or something.
Although... Now that I think about it, the Rotten Mushroom can't win without being eaten, can it? But if it's eaten, then doesn't that mean it loses?
Hm, maybe I should have thought this through more before the match. Well, uh... I'm not going to bother making a prediction since there's so many technicalities here I don't even know what's going on anymore. I guess we'll just see how this plays out?
Oh yeah, I guess we have to let the Rotten Mushroom out of the crate first. It wasn't exactly cooperative with our attempts to bring it here. Chuck, if you could let it out of the crate, that would be fantastic. Oh, it's, uh, it's chasing Chuck instead of going towards Ankiron. And now it's following him out of the ring... Well, normally leaving the ring is an instant loss, but I guess the match hasn't really started yet? Uh, someone grab it! And don't swallow it! Excuse us for one second.
And we're back! We were able to corral that pesky Rotten Mushroom, and it won't get out of the ring again. Hopefully. Let's get the match started for real this time!
The Rotten Mushroom is heading straight towards Ankiron, as it should be. Ankiron senses danger and fires bombs at it! It doesn't seem to have hurt the Rotten Mushroom, but the ring looks like it's going to need repairs... The Rotten Mushroom is getting really close, aaand Ankiron just ate it! Looks like that's a win for- oh, uh, Ankiron just passed out. Well, now we know what happens when an Ankiron consumes a Rotten Mushroom. I guess technically Rotten Mushroom was knocked out first, so Ankiron is still the winner!
That was certainly interesting, I hope you all enjoyed it. If you have an idea for a fighter you'd like to see get in the ring next time, let us know! We'd love to hear what you have to say.
Anyway, I think I'm going to go research any health codes that may interfere with the usage of Rotten Mushrooms in cereal. See you next time.
Let's-a-go Around the World
Welcome to LaGATW, where we are definitely not lost trying to find-waitasecond, I think I see it over there! For today’s travel guide, we will be visiting Flipside.
The most memorable parts of this vacation are the interesting and diverse locals, amazing structures, and last but not least, the Pit of 100 Trials! Truly, this place is one-of-a-kind. Hmmm, I feel like it would be more cheerful…
I’m sorry. I accidentally thought Flopside is Flipside and oof, my brain is hurting again. Nevertheless, I am back on the right track again! Did you know Flipside is actually famous for its hot springs? It’s true! The most memorable places in Flipside are the Spring of Jungle Mist, Spring of Rainbows, and the banquet hall! Waitasecond, why does the banquet hall look like Bowser’s Castle?
Local Species & Fauna
AAAAHHHH!!! IT HAPPENED AGAIN!!! They say that Flipside sort of was like heaven, so I went to the most heavenly place I could think of! And after all that work fighting the Vellumentals... Anyhoo, the third time’s the charm! The main species that appear here looks sort of like pillows, but a variety of other creatures (like this one bush-like thingy) appear here also! Say, why does that building look weird?
[WORD CANNOT BE PRINTED]!! You have to be kidding me! I knew Flipside was supposed to be dreamy, so I went to Dream World AND NEARLY GOT CRUSHED BY A GIANT ROBOT!!! *sigh* Almost makes me want to-waitasecond, what does this sign say? HALLELUJAH!! I’VE DID IT!! I’M AT FLIPSIDE!! Back to the travel guide, Flipside is known for its Pit of 100 Trials. Although, I feel like I went through the Pit of 1000 Trials. Does that make me better than Mario?
Economy, Population, and Other Statistics
Please no. I went through all that trouble to find Flipside. I'm just going to rush through this section.
0/10 My girlfriend left me. I lost my password list. ALL of my Meowmaids have malfunctioned. My insurance expired. Please. Just end it all for me. - Francis (Woah, seems like someone else had it worse than me!)
2.5/10 After I got stomped on by Mario, everything went black. Then, I woke up here. It’s not so bad, just a little boring. - Goomba
Cost and Pricing
I’m feeling generous today, so all deals are 50% off!
1-Way ticket (AKA Poison Mushroom)
Free tent and flashlight (due to the fact that there is NO hotel. Or inn.)
Free breakfasts at Sweet Smiles
What are you waiting for? Trying to learn how to read a map? Go get that luxurious vacation you always wanted! If there's anywhere you want to see in these travel guides, go here. Until next time, let's a-go around the world!
Hello ‘Shroom readers, it's your pal Shoey here with a new section called “Our Leaders”. Recently, I was sought out by the Koopa Kingdom Ministry of Civic Engagement. They were worried that members of Bowser’s army were being misunderstood, so they invited me to the Koopa Kingdom to write a series of biographies on high ranking members in the army. For this month I’ve chosen to chronicle the exciting life of General Guy, a Shy Guy born of humble means who didn’t let that stop him from achieving great things.
Born during a wet spring to a father who was a member of the 12th Shy Guy infantry unit and a mother who was a nurse in the Koopa army, General Guy knew early on he wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps. Trained at Big Bungee’s Fortress, General Guy started his career as a reservist during the War of the star babies and, although seeing little action and having little experience, superiors commended General Guy for his enthusiastic attempts to keep the fortress from falling. On the personal recommendation of Commander Big Bungee Piranha, General Guy was invited to join the Royal Koopa Service Academy. Described by both teachers and classmates as diligent, dutiful, and humble, General Guy graduated 3rd in his class and was given a commission as part of the reorganized 11th Shy Guy infantry.
Deployed as part of the Topsy Turvy campaign, General Guy was seriously wounded by a boulder while attempting to cover a retreat following the Yoshi’s breaking the lines. During his recovery, General Guy was given a non combat role and assigned as a Shy Ranger. Diving into the role, General Guy was proven to be a master of logistics, working to increase the amount of Thwomps sent to each castle as well as helping expand the production of parachutes for Para-Bombs. It was here that General Guy developed his interest in mechanized warfare, which led him to begin crafting designs for a specialized series of tanks. Because of his work in logistics, General Guy was given his first staff role: command of the 4th division of Fly Guys who were assigned a supporting role in the Siege of the Mushroom Castle.
Deployed at the Battle for the Pyramid, it was here that the Koopa Army first saw the ingenuity of General Guy. Realizing that his troops would be weak to aerial attacks, he stationed them specifically to guard the Wing Caps that were found on the land. In addition, General Guy also realized that the Fly Guys lacked offensive efficiency to go with their aerial abilities. Thinking quickly, General Guy crafted a special liquid that would allow the Fly Guys to shoot fire. Commended for his innovation after the battle, many in the Koopa Troop spoke of how giving the Fly Guys the ability to shoot fire dramatically affected the pace of the battle, with some giving it credit for dramatically delaying Mario and Co. from advancing for upwards of four hours. Eventually, though, in a what many called desperate push, Wario managed to distract the Fly Guys just long enough for Mario to obtain a Wing Cap, scattering the Fly Guys in support and forcing a retreat. Upon returning to headquarters, General Guy was given little time to rest. He was informed of Colonel Gregory Snufit, leader of the 3rd Snufit artillery core, falling ill. General Guy was given emergency command of the unit and told to make a break for Hazy Maze Cave as soon as possible. Arriving just six hours before Mario and Co. and finding a disorderly and green crew, General Guy snapped into action. Stationing the bulk of his troops Behind the Waterfall while leaving a small segment of men in a support role for the entrenched Monty Moles, General Guy hoped to use the narrow halls of the cave to his advantage and keep Mario and Co. pinned down. Veterans of the battle would describe the ferocity as the Snufits managed to pin down Mario and Co. for four hours before having the lines broken by an invisible Luigi, which drew the green Snufits’ attention away just long enough for a metal Wario to smash through the lines, forcing another retreat.
Following the failure of the siege of the Mushroom Castle Campaign, General Guy was surprised to find himself summoned by Bowser himself. General Guy found himself being given a personal commendation from Bowser as well as an Medal of Valor for his efforts. Already overcome with joy from these awards, General Guy was shocked when, following the Koopa Kingdom motto of “Ability over legacy”, Bowser appointed him head of the Shy Guy army and gave him command of a new campaign. During Operation Star Spirits, General Guy was given custody of the Star Spirit Muskular and was told to lay siege to the toy box. Delivering a surprise attack, General Guy found little resistance as he set up the toy box as his home base.
Taking fifty Toads hostage, as well as the Star Spirit, General Guy was described as a gracious captor who treated his hostages with dignity and respect. Much was also said of the discipline his men were held to, with General Guy telling me personally that he court martialed four different Shy Guys for harassing the townsfolk. During this campaign, General Guy also debuted his own personal tank powered by electricity over gas. General Guy told me that it was instrumental to the capture of the toy box due to its motors being quieter than if they were gas based.
Unfortunately for General Guy, sloppiness by his second-in-command Big Lantern Ghost caused a breach in the hostages. One of them would play a big role in disabling General Guy’s personal tank, causing the lines to break and allowing Mario to rescue the Star Spirit. Following the failure of this campaign, Bowser decided to reorganize his armies and moved General Guy from a field commander into a headquarters role.
Described by his contemporaries as a humble yet determined soldier, General Guy commands the respect of even the highest of Koopa Troop members. Never forgetting his humble origins, it's known that General Guy still personally inspects the troops and attends their training personally. Still single despite a long and successful career, General Guy informed me that the reason he hasn’t settled down is because he feels it would be improper for a subordinate to marry before his king. In my experience, I found that General Guy was a fantastic man to talk to. After years of experience, rising from humble soldier to commander of a whole army, he still comes off as a genuine man doing what he feels is right for his king and country.
Written by: W. P. Hoodington
It was a sunny, oppressively humid day. Not even the powerful, constant winds rolling across the landscape to turn the town's windmills and rustle the grasses could offer relief from the tropical sun. Towering in front of us were imposing cliffs, their gleaming rocky sides exposed; these were the famous “White Hills” north of the town of Bianco Hills, and resting atop them was our target.
But perhaps we should back up. Our trip to Bianco Hills began a month ago, at my desk in my office at the University of Goom. My post-graduate assistant, Goombuigi, and I were continuing our work probing the hypothesis that Sky-Blue Spinies point to a recent common ancestor of Buzzy Beetles and Spinies, then an email popped into my inbox. A journalist by the name of Horace Shoely had sent the message, suggesting that, to foster an appreciation for the natural world in the general public, we partner with The 'Shroom to write and share a "naturalist's guide." The result? Going Wild: A Guide for the Aspiring Naturalist. Each month, we will seek out another wild creature and recount our experiences before providing a brief snippet of information which may be useful to anyone who wishes to follow in our footsteps.
Returning to this month's story, staring up at those cliffs, I knew that getting up top to see the rare Delfinian Piranha Plant, a species which had been confined to the hills after an extensive pruning campaign in the town of Bianco Hills proper and the lakeside, would prove a significant challenge. Of course, I could simply fly to the top, but what of Goombuigi…?
A naturalist must always keep their eyes and areas open, and nothing demonstrates that better than my serendipitous sighting of a local resident who could lend us her aid. A Pianta mother - it was not at all difficult to tell she was a mother, for even were her children not running away from her gleefully, she had that exhausted, frazzled look characteristic of a hardworking mother of young children - shouted at her children.
"Goombuigi, while I ascend to the top of the cliff, why don't you approach that woman and ask her if she knows of any easy methods of getting to the top of these hills?" I suggested to my assistant, sending him off while I took off, steadying myself against the winds. Strangely enough, I thought I heard some familiar scream as I rose. Why, it almost sounded like Goombuigi. On reflection, though, I realize it had to be a mere trick of the wind pounding my ears. I can't think of any reason Goombuigi would be screaming.
After an uneventful flight, I finally crested the edge of the cliff… only to see my assistant, Goombuigi, lying on top of the hill in a heap! "Goombuigi, get up! We have work to do," I admonished him, Goombuigi's only response being to weakly mutter "Chu… Chuck…" as he staggered to his feet. What an odd thing for him to have said. I had to wonder in that moment if he had been watching too much of that violent Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown.
There was no time to dwell on the matter, so I took the pair of binoculars hanging around my neck and began to scan the landscape while Goombuigi collected himself. My eyes settled upon it quickly. There, yards away from us, was a Delfinian Piranha Plant, the plant clearly already well aware the two of us were observing it.
"Now, Goombuigi," I began, positioning myself in front of my assistant to protect him, "we must proceed cautiously here. Unlike the Piranha Plants of the Mushroom Kingdom, which are only dangerous when you approach, Isle Delfino's Piranha Plants are a danger at a distance. They've lost their sharp teeth over time, but they fire off black and white pods filled with a disgusting sludge to deter threats. Pay careful attention, and do not take your eyes off of the cre-" Before I could finish my statement, my foot brushed against something. I quickly bent down to grab it, hearing a horrible retching sound as I did.
It was easy to ignore that strange noise as I straightened up, my new prize in hand. What had I found on the ground? It was a split-open pod from one of the plants, no doubt shot out some time ago, if the dried sludge coating its insides were any indication. "Now this is spectacular! This one is a little old now, but this is one of the pods these plants split. Take a good look, Goombuigi. Do you see how it's encased in a…"
"Goombuigi?" Whirling around to show the pod to my assistant, I found Goombuigi was playing around again. He was standing there covered in brown and white sludge, letting it drip off of him while he completely ignored the fresh Delfinian Piranha Plant pod at his feet! "Goombuigi! What are you doing? We can't waste time getting dirty! Oh, well… You'll have to tough it out for now. We'll take you down to the lake when we're done here."
Naturally, I turned my attention back to the Delfinian Piranha Plant we had been observing… And caught a glimpse of its head disappearing into the dirt as the plant burrowed away, bringing to a close our expedition to Bianco Hills.
Despite this disappointing ending, we were able to glean enough information to provide a bite-sized guide for all you aspiring naturalists out there who hope to see a Delfinian Piranha Plant for yourself!
The Naturalist's Notes
The Delfinian Piranha Plant (Dentatus herba delphinus) is at once recognizably a member of the many Piranha Plant subspecies and distinct from all of its relatives. With the tropical sun of Isle Delfino beating down on them, the plants have been able to give up their carnivorous lifestyle in favor of deriving all of their energy from photosynthesis and taking up all nutrients they need from the ground. Over time, traits which allow the Delfinian Piranha Plant to store large amounts of water have been selected for, allowing it to resist desiccation without impeding gas exchange. With their need for large amounts of freshwater, they are most abundant in Bianco Hills, though anyone hoping to encounter them will need to search the relatively inaccessible hills on the edge of town to encounter them, as the local residents have taken up an extermination campaign against them.
For anyone who intends to see this species up-close, it is imperative you remain cautious and attentive. While they cannot bite, they will headbutt individuals who come too close, and they will shoot out pods containing mildly toxic sludge. This sludge will do no more harm than leaving you with a slight rash, and is easily washed away, but some have reported it to have an overwhelming putrid smell. It may be possible to calm the plants by watering them, but excessive watering is fatal to the species, and care must be taken when offering them water. Like their relatives, they are proficient burrowers, and will quickly escape underground if they can not drive away a threat.
They say the trick to captivating your reader is through the killer opening, the chance to grab your audience by the eyeballs from their first glance and compel them to read every single word. I don’t know who ‘they’ are, but I have to hope they aren’t experts, as I have written nine drafts of this introductory passage so far, and none of them are sufficiently killer to be included. Even this one, with its metacommentary on the nature of writing, seems at least to me only to lightly subdue, falling short of grabbing the audience’s eyeballs by a metre or two. Perhaps it’s my fault for treating TV Tomorrow as if it were a classic novel; but all writing has the potential to be great, surely, and I see not why detailing fictional television programmes should be different. While I write draft number ten, you can get on with reading this month’s top three Mushroom Kingdom TV delights.
The Hole Story
Genre: Biographical drama
Based on Professor Toad’s award-nominated biography of the late Holepunch, this six-part series follows its path in reappraising the legacy of the disco legend and alleged serial torturer, trying to shed a more positive light on his character. Though the series has attracted some controversy for its decision to cast a Toad actor in the lead role, rather than a holepunch, the ‘Disco Devil’ himself nevertheless gets a compelling portrayal that highlights his dance achievements and hidden softer side, and casually glosses over his thousands of faceless victims. Certain to become the most talked about show on MKTV this year, at least.
Sarasaland Olympics 2021: Track Cycling
MKBC Sports, 3pm-5.30pm
You may remember back in 2016, during the last Olympic season, this column featured coverage of the Rio Olympics, set in the real city of Rio de Janeiro, albei with Mario characters. For the 2021 edition of the Olympics within the Marioverse, they are being set in the fictional kingdom of Sarasaland. This may be somewhat confusing, but I’m not going to bother to explain it here. You try coherent parallel-universe worldbuilding through monthly television recommendation columns, especially when you’re competing against the idiocy of your past self. Anyway, the track cyling’s supposed to be worth watching. Check it out.
Film: Golden Cat vs The Personification of Evil
Genre: Action fantasy
Continuing in its crusade to show every crap action film of the last forty years on the channel, SmashFilm shows the long-forgotten clash-of-the-titans epic Golden Cat vs The Personification of Evil. Throwing story structure and acting talent to the wind, this film focuses all its efforts on portraying dynamic CGI fighting between its two titular characters as they battle it out for the fate of the whole entire world. Followed up immediately afterwards on SmashFilm by the sequel, which was made on only half the budget of this one and as a result is far less of a visual spectacle.
Thankfully, the mysterious ‘they’ also say that if your readers were turned off by the introduction, they won’t even bother with the conclusion, so I can put as little effort into it as I like. No need for overly complex metaphors or lyrical writing here; I don’t even need to properly finish the
|The 'Shroom: Issue 172|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • 'Shroomfest Highlights|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner• Strategy Wing|
|Specials||Ultimate Location Battle|