The 'Shroom:Issue 171/Fake News
What an issue! It's our summer issue, and that means plenty of sections, fun, and thrills! Check out Music on a Staff, the Ultimate Location Battle, the Community Gallery, or the Community Awards! And give some love to our Palette Swap director, FunkyK38, who is celebrating 100 issues on the 'Shroom!
As per usual, you can always sign up for the paper by following the steps listed on the sign up page.
Section of the Month
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
|3rd||Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown||17||18.89||Waluigi Time|
Written by: Horace Shoely
Awards Rocked by Alleged Pay-to-Play Scheme
Well folks, it's Awards season again, and just like clockwork, a season that should be a celebration of this community has been rocked by another scandal. This year, longtime Awards Director and noted community power broker Anton (known in many circles as the Hypnotoad for his ability to bend users to his will) has been accused by the watchdog group The Committee for Wiki Accountability of lining his pockets with fancy hot chocolates and exotic cheeses in exchange for spots on the Awards Committee and favored presentation bids. We reached out to Koopa, chairman of the CWA, who had this to say:
It just doesn't make any sense the position of the Awards Committee only pays 30,000 coins a year. Yet when you look at his Critic Corner section Half-Baked Reviews you see that he’s only purchasing the finest of Hot Chocolates and Cheeses as well as other luxury items while also including his penthouse sweet in Mushroom Kingdom the numbers just don’t add up. And then you take into account the ballooning expansion of the committee and the number of awards that are seemingly being dibbed before the bidding process even opens up and it all starts to look like somethings going on.
The CWA has also claimed that, of the dozens to even hundreds of jobs that are given out as part of the awards festivities, only twenty percent are merit-based, and the rest are picked basically at the Awards Director's preference. The CWA has suggested that an independent investigator be selected to investigate these charges of financial impropriety. For his part, we reached out to Anton, who denied all charges "These charges that are being levied against me and my staff are spurious, reckless, and insulting. Every member of this staff was picked through legal means and proper challenges and I stand by the work that they’ve done. As for the rumors of people being able to calls dibs on presentations, well, quite frankly, they're ludicrous. The bidding process for awards presentations is, as it always has been, open and honest, with the best person possible getting the job!”
Readers will note that this isn't the first time Anton has courted controversy in his tenure as Awards Director. Many will remember the allegations that Turboo's brief run as Awards Director was nothing more than a way for Anton to retain power behind the scenes. Anton has always been a controversial man and we here at The 'Shroom endorse the idea of an independent investigator to keep what should be a great celebration from being clouded with suspicion.
Written by: Walter G. Timeson
Argumentative Avians Ruffle Feathers in Peaceful Park:
Tensions rose in one of New Wikisburg's many parks recently as a heated debate broke out between one of the park's resident geese and a hooded pitohui, which no doubt escaped from the director's office of the nearby 'Shroom HQ. According to a witness, the argument began shortly before midnight following alleged comments by the goose involving rocks and bushes. This spiraled into a debate between the two avians regarding the reputations of both of their species, as well as the rights of birds in general, which continued well into the following day and attracted a large crowd.
As the hours went on, both birds opted for legal counsel to bolster their arguments. The pitohui called on the famed lawyer Shoey, and the goose was assisted by a diminutive janitor who allegedly moonlights as an ornithologist. Notable topics of contention included avian representation in the media, negative behavior of pitohuis and geese, and the results of human-bird interaction.
Members of the crowd became so engaged with the debate that some of them added their own points of discussion, including the famed detective Shmaluigi, who made a brief appearance to refute false statements about a particular goose he had previously worked with. Notorious cereal magnate Waluigi Time was also spotted at the scene, passing out free samples of his products to the crowd. We attempted to interview him, but he just said something about an "untitled goose cereal" before returning to passing out free samples.
The debate finally concluded nearly 23 hours after it initially began, when the pitohui and the goose agreed to set aside their differences for the benefit of birdkind. A brief, friendly chat about other kinds of birds followed, and it was decided that the bearded vulture had managed to win the debate despite one not being present. The crowd dispersed soon afterward.
Whether this was an isolated incident or a sign of more public venues becoming the sites of impromptu debates in the future is yet to be seen. We will keep a watchful eye on the situation, so be sure to keep reading The 'Shroom to be notified of any future developments.
Written by: Joseph Shoeitzer
Activists Celebrate Following Failure Of Porcupuffer Campaign:
Democracy activists breathed a huge sigh of relief following the release of the final Mario Awards nominations. For the last month, they had warned that a huge campaign on the behalf of Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown proprietor Waluigi Time to get Porcupuffer onto the "worst enemy" list would begin the process of weakening the democratic aspect of Mario Awards. It appears that Waluigi Time, for all of his media savviness, failed to truly capture the public's imagination. At the beginning of the blitz, fifteen percent of people polled expressed some support for naming Porcupuffer worst enemy, but that support didn’t stay high and, despite a multitude of advertisements and rallys, the day before the awards were announced Porcupuffer sat at a low three percent. It seems that the fact that the enthusiasm didn’t stick was one of the major reasons Porcupuffer failed to qualify for the award. We reached out to official Mario Awards Record Keeper Lakituthequick who had this to say:
It was a tough call, but the fact is, after an initial groundswell of support, there really wasn’t any indication that the people truly wanted Porcupuffer on the ballot. The first time Porcupuffer wasn’t mentioned in a meeting we tabled it for another day for this exact reason, and at the end of the day I think we made the right decision. When you look at it from a historical standpoint, Porcupuffer has never really been a big vote getter and it appears that even after the Vote P for F7 campaign the needle didn’t really move at the end of the day.
For many activists, the failure of the Vote P for F7 campaign is a huge win against big money interests and shows the limitations of big money campaigns. Others have expressed a more pessimistic standpoint, pointing out that, while the campaign failed this time, it also managed to, if ever so briefly, dramatically raise the poll numbers of Porcupuffer. If we aren't careful, the campaign might work next time. For his part, Waluigi Time had this to tell us:
While it is disappointing to not get Porcupuffer on the ballot this time, Vote P for F7 isn’t over yet. We’re going to keep the campaign up as a write-in campaign with the hope that we get enough votes to prove that there is a large swath of voters who want Porcupuffer on the ballot. And with any luck, next year we’ll be able to get Porcupuffer on the ballot from the strength of the write-in votes.
It remains to be seen what the end result of all this will be. While it’s definitely a setback to not be on the ballot this year, it wouldn’t be the first time write-ins have managed to get something on the ballot the next year. And if that is what happens, we might just enter a new era of Awards campaigns.
Silence fell across the Mushroom Kingdom, or at least some version of it – honestly you pop down the shops for a pint of milk and by the time you come back there's three new worlds and your home has been demolished for a Cooligan Crossing – as the great composer Toadofsky died.
Toadofsky was a brave man, while many in the Mushroom Kingdom preferred the heavy disco and electronic roots that they got in clubs like the Electrodrome, he still attempted to release music the good old-fashioned way, by forcing plumbers on a quest to save the Princess write it after jumping on some poor tadpoles.
Toadofsky passed away after several blue quills were found in his back. It is unknown whether they were planted there by a blue hedgehog who he notoriously didn't want to write for, or whether it was simply a coincidence and he slipped and fell onto them. Either way, my expert opinion is that it might have hurt.
Toadofsky was known for great hits like um…uh…perhaps… Never mind about that, I've still got DJ Lemmy's latest album fresh in my mind. His loss will be mourned by those around Tadpole Pond, apart from the tadpoles who are glad that no one will be jumping on them in a vain attempt to make music, at least not until DJ Lemmy is able to figure out how to mix their sounds together.
The funeral will be held in three weeks time, and Toadofsky will be given a Viking's funeral. Originally it was planned to just sail him out to see, but I've heard that the tadpoles are after some form of revenge for all the years of agony inflicted on them – and I don't just mean having to actually listen to his music.
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Mario Claims to Paint Masterpieces; Visiting Artist Claims Otherwise
Another scandal is shaking the Mushroom Kingdom's art scene after an acclaimed artist searching for inspiration on an extra-dimensional trip, one Mr. Sacre of Flipside, put forward a public statement alleging Toad Town's homegrown rising star in the art world, Mario Mario, has been selling forgeries and passing off the work of others as his own.
Mario recently rose to prominence in the art world with bold, striking use of simple geometric shapes in his paintings. His works, including The Woah Zone: An Exploration of Dimensionality and Red Winds over the Bitlands have fetched a high price at auctions. As he's risen up in the art world, he's used his new connections to obtain some famous paintings, including Portrait of a Big Boo and Lethal Lava Land: Its Essence, which he has resold to others for a fortune. But the visiting artist claims to have evidence that the paintings which Mario has sold are mere forgeries, citing slight differences like too blue of a hue in Portrait of a Big Boo and a face with too much definition in Lethal Lava Land: Its Essence. Taking his claims further, Sacre alleges that even Mario's supposed original artwork has been stolen from other artists, the plumber-turned-artist trying to pass off the work of artists in distant lands as his own. We at The Mushroom Tribune reached out to Sacre for his comments.
Zis is, how you say, shameful. What zis Mario has done, it is clear to moi. I have traveled zee dimensions to find inspiration, and his pieces, I recognize them. His composition, zee Cragley Ho: A Hero's Portait, it is exactly zee same, down to zee last detail, as Pyrox's composition from zee Downtown of Crag. Saving zee world may not, how you say, pay zee bills, but we should expect better than art theft from such a man, oui?
For his part, Mario has categorically denied all claims of wrongdoing, defending his artwork as completely original and pointing to documentation accompanying all of his resold art pieces. Already, opinions in Toad Town are split, with many residents rising up to defend their hometown hero. Outside of the kingdom's capital, however, opinions have swiftly turned against Mario, with citizens as far away as Water Land calling for Mario to be brought up on charges of fraud immediately. To temper this debate, we at the Mushroom Tribune have asked two of our reports to share their thoughts on this matter.
|Now, look, I'm not going to rush ahead and declare that Mario is guilt-free here. I admit, my knowledge of the visual arts is lacking. I'm not an expert. What I will argue is that all of those citizens out there who are calling for Mario to immediately be brought up on charges need to slow down. I know that things have been tense in the art world lately. Earlier this year, Luigi Mario was caught selling and claiming as his own paintings which were actually produced in a despicable scheme to gather up innocent ghosts and turn them into portraits. Just a month ago, that young Prince in the Koopa Kingdom let it slip that his award-winning pieces were made with some kind of Magic Paintbrush. I understand that it seems like every high-profile artists has been faking their way to the top lately, but we can't let that cloud or judgement in this case. There's a toxic discourse right now thicker than the air in Hazy-Maze Cave. Too many people have made up their mind. I say we need to let the experts come in and investigate before we cast judgement. First, we don't even have proof yet that any of Mario's paintings have been copied or that his resold paintings have been forgeries. And even if the latter turns out to be true, we can't ignore that he has documentation. There's a chain of sellers to look at here. We can't exactly say Mario was peddling forgeries if he genuinely didn't know any better. Are Mario's hands clean? That, I can't say, but let's not take the word of one visiting artist - who, might I add, has apparently struggled to sell anything for years, and may have an ulterior motive in stirring up publicity for himself - as the whole case here. We can't put Mario's head on a pike yet. Let's give the experts time to investigate.|
|For me, the issue goes way deeper then just Mario stealing the work of another painter. For me, it's an indictment of the art community as a whole. For years the art community has prided itself on the sophistication of its community, about how smart its members are in valuing the art it processes. But I ask you readers this: how can a community that prides itself on being able to tell fakes from real pieces not realize that Mario has been simply passing off artwork for another artist as his own? And let us not forget this isn't even the first time Mario has been involved in a controversial art decision. Many of us will remember Mario selling his abstract masterpiece for 15,000 coins a few years ago. The art community as a whole, time and time again in this reporter's opinion, constantly overvalues and jumps over backwards to support any already famous person while more obscure and talented artists live off scraps and even sometimes see their work stolen! Should Mario's crimes be investigated? Yes, of course, and if found true, obviously all of his proceeds should be given to the artists who truly pained it. But to me that's only one piece of problem and I think it's time the art community and industry looks at itself in the mirror and figures out how to stop this from happening again.|
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Mushroom Kingdom Murder File
Welcome back to MKMF, or the Mushroom Kingdom Murder File, a primetime program dedicated to diving deep into the archives of the Mushroom Kingdom's most interesting murder cases.
On tonight's show, we direct our attention towards the first murder to truly shake the foundations of national security. Who could've been responsible for such an act, and what could have caused such a drastic change?
August 23rd, 1973. It's a warm, sunny day, the expected weather for mainland Mushroom Kingdom during the summer months. Life may seem different during this time, especially before the global boom of technology, but there are a surprising number of similarities to how we see life today. One such similarity is Peach's Castle, the royal palace which towers over the land in vibrant reds and whites. At this time, it was known as Toadstool Castle, but the castle still housed the royal Toadstool family Princess Peach belongs to today. Viewers keen on their Mushroom Kingdom history will know that in 1973, King Kumquat Toadstool served as primary ruler, with his trusted advisor, Aufidius Toadsworth, always seen at his side. For those visiting the castle, August 23rd seemed like just another average, normal day.
At 11:43 AM, this illusion would shatter.
Aufidius Toadsworth was discovered, murdered, in his bedroom. His throat had been slit, and his body had been sprawled across the top of his bed, staining the comforter beneath him. One of the Toadstool family's Mushroom Retainer was the one to discover him, and immediately the discovery was reported to local authorities.
- “It was an unbelievable sight. I knocked on the door, and when I didn't get a response, I stepped in, thinking maybe Aufidius was simply too enraptured by his reading... I never could've anticipated what I saw in that moment.”
- —Arspore Toadsmuch, Mushroom Retainer who discovered the victim
Local investigators from Toad Town were the first to arrive to the scene, but due to the magnitude of the crime, the Mushroom Kingdom Royal Response Agency, MKRRA, were also quick to respond, closing down the perimeter of Toadstool Castle. Authorities knew how difficult the case would be to navigate: the door to Aufidius's room had been in the eyesight of Mushroom Retainers for the entire day, meaning the only available entrance was through the narrow window in the room's northern wall; there was no murder weapon to find on the scene, and the slash was a clean enough slice to be any sharp weapon. Additionally, finger-printing uncovered no results, as whoever conducted the crime had done it carefully.
Not all hope was lost on determining a culprit, though. After deep analysis, investigators discovered the edges of a white feather, caught on the edge between the windowsill and window pane. It seems that whoever conducted this crime had flown in with wings, rather than attempting to scale the outer wall, and the window had been quite the squeeze for them. Once investigators followed this lead outside, the detective's Chain Chomps responded to the scent of blood. A few droplets had been spilled in the grass, leading down to the moat surrounding the castle. Sure enough, at the bottom of the moat lay the murder weapon: a pocketknife, with a particular etching on its handle.
- “Once we had discovered the murder weapon was still on the property, it was easy to deduce that the culprit must still be there as well. If they could've just left, there would be no need to dump the knife into the moat. The murderer could've just taken the knife with them.”
- —Solvit Toaday, lead investigator for the case
Using these clues, agents searched the entire premises, discovering only one potential suspect who fit the description of having wings: Patrick Strongshell, a Koopa Paratroopa who had been visiting the castle as a guest. He was a well-regarded shopkeeper in the upper suburbs of Toad Town, so his arrest shocked many residents who knew him in passing, but those closer to him wouldn't be surprised. When Patrick was arrested and dragged into questioning, his true intentions at Toadstool Castle that day became clear. He was a member of the extreme radical group, Toadtality, a movement of individuals who believe in a conspiracy that the Toadstool family are responsible for all of the wrongdoings across the globe. Four days before the murder, King Kumquat Toadstool had visited the then-sovereign nation of Sarasaland, just as extreme conflicts were beginning to mount between residents and Sarasaland's crowned royals. Investigators concluded that the Toadtality conspirators thought King Kumquat was responsible for the conflict, and sought to dethrone him before the royal family could move towards violence against the citizens.
Despite this information they were able to gather, investigators weren't able to drag one truth out of Patrick: if he was concerned with the actions of the King, why was Aufidius Toadsworth his target instead? It would be up to the prosecution to determine this answer in court.
Proceedings began on August 27th, 1973, just four days after the murder took place. The court was overseen by the Honorable Judge Tipton Scales, and a jury of nine Mushroom Kingdom residents was assembled. The arguments were opened by the prosecutor, August Shroomsword, while Patrick's defense attorney, William Defend, looked on in distress.
- “I knew this case would be nearly impossible to defend... The evidence was right there, and everybody already had their opinions on my client. Arguing against someone being a murderer is difficult enough. Arguing against someone being a murdering anarchist? Challenging as hell.”
- —William Defend, Patrick Strongshell's defense attorney
The prosecution's argument centered around evidence. The chunk of wing the investigators had discovered, they said, came from Patrick Strongshell's left wing, which was noticeably missing a small feather. While the pocketknife had no fingerprints to it, the carving on its handle resembled a marking commonly found in traditional Wild Woods carving, which was merchandise Patrick sold in his store. Finally, the testimonies of those who actively engaged with him described his verbal distaste for the Toadstool family, with some recounts being more strongly worded than others.
As for why Aufidius Toadsworth was murdered? The prosecution pointed towards the layout of the castle as the likely cause. The King's throne room was much more secure in general, with Mushroom Retainers standing guard and no windows in any of the walls. Aufidius Toadsworth, meanwhile, lived in a room much less protected, and since Aufidius was always seen with the King, Patrick Strongshell could've concluded that he was just as guilty of being part of the underground global manipulation.
The defense attempted to argue against these claims, citing that they were all speculation and conjecture at best. While Patrick had voiced disdain towards the Toadstool family, this did not make him a murderer, nor did the knife directly indict him of any crime. This was all for naught, though, as the jury handed down their verdict after two hours of deliberation. Patrick Strongshell was found guilty of first-degree murder, conspiracy, and terrorism, and would serve life in prison without parole.
- “I was fourteen when those deliberations were happening, yes I was... It was the trial for my father's murder, and I'm glad that the jury saw the correct answer to its conclusion. It was so hard losing him, but at least he received some form of justice, hm?”
- —Chancellor Toadsworth, current advisor to Princess Peach Toadstool
With the case concluding, a lot of changes were seen revolving around Toadstool Castle's, and, by extension, the nation's security. Mushroom Retainers were refitted to become the Royal Guard, with much more focus dedicated to training in case of any attacks. More fortification and security was added to Toadstool Castle and its surrounding cities, and investigators are now permitted by law to look into the backgrounds of those they suspect to be members of extremist conspiracy groups. These last points have been brought under ire in recent years, however, as the fear of terrorism has declined and a hope for further individuality has increased, especially with the internet as accessible as it is today. For now, these laws remain the same, and no murder has occurred in the halls of the Castle since.
It can only be hoped that no such tragedy will happen again.
Though Aufidius Toadsworth never lived a full life, his memory and impact on Mushroom Kingdom politics can still be felt today; and though no true justice can be brought for those taken from us too soon, the least we can do is tell their stories.
This has been MKMF, at primetime. Thank you for watching.
OH NO! Yesterday as I was walking through Cherry Lake, I dropped my-a giant pair of scissors directly into the lake! How do I-a get them back?
Dear Paper Mario,
That is a big problem that you've gotten yourself into, so I'll help out. The first thing that I'd suggest involves 3 steps. Step 1: Get a magnet and attach it to a fishing rod. Step 2: Wait for a "bite" from your scissors, and Step 3 is to reel it in. This is a near foolproof solution to your problem, but if it doesn't work, just get out your old submarine and start exploring the depths immediately. This, combined with the magnet, has a 99.99999999 success rate, so you know it'll work!
I'm ready to explore,
I need your help! Donkey Kong came to kidnap Pauline again after I got back in shape, but this time he stole the Mini Marios as well! Who could I get to replace them?
One helper I'd suggest you should get is the perfect definition of "fight fire with fire". This, of course, is Mini DK, who could retrace DK's footsteps so that you'd have an easier time going through the world. There is also Mini Pauline, who could also retrace Pauline's steps if she took a different path than Donkey Kong. All in all, there are many Minis you have in your arsenal, but why don't you get off your lazy butt and do it yourself? I know Nintendo wants the Minis to save Pauline, but they can't permanently stop DK themselves, as he's returned every 2 years since 2006. That's 15 years of them failing at their job, so get back into the action yourself to permanently stop this ape by going to the jungle, tundra, desert, volcano, and tower, all to save Pauline once and for all.
Hope you listen,
I've been playing a lot of tennis lately, and I've been enjoying it. But my teeth started to crack a few weeks ago, right when I heard about a new golf tournament. How can I maintain my hygiene with a golf club in my mouth?
Dear Captain Goomba,
The first thing that you should do is get dental insurance, just so you have a backup plan in case these plans fail. The first real plan that I'd suggest is to get a mouthguard, so that you can keep your teeth nice and white while holding your sports item of choice. But if it falls out, I have a backup plan. You can carry a steady stream of floss instead of sports tape, so that you can always keep your teeth how they were always intended. You could even tape the racket to your forehead and let your teeth be clean on a daily basis.
Keep it nice and white,
The Odyssey of a Squid
A VISIT TO ROGUEPORT
Hey there journal!
I'm glad I have a chance to write a little update for you! The last time I wrote for you, I was just making my arrival in Glitzville after meeting the lovely Ms. Mowz. Now I have to say that I had the opportunity of getting to know a little more about Glitzville.
This place is wonderful! Honestly, I was missing on many things, and I am sure my staff mates would totally be envious of me right now! *Ahem* Okay NS, stay calm, and write this properly in here. Glitzville is full of many fun and interesting stuff to look at. We feel the greatness, and the positivity in the air here. I have no choice but to smile when I walk down the main street. It is like being in a Splatfest that never ends! I am seriously considering staying here as long as I can, but at the same time, I cannot leave my position at the 'Shroom like that, because I love my job, and it would not even be professional of me to do that anyway.
BAHAHAHAHA Not sure it was professional to get out on a vacation without mentioning it first to Pitohui anyway, so I think I can get rid of professionalism right here.
Anyway, back to Glitzville, before I wander once again. I had the opportunity of visiting a local Hot Dog Stand. It rather reminds me of Crusty Sean's food truck in Inkopolis Square (that takes me back), although their food menu were not as varied. They were only selling Hot Dogs compared to Crusty Sean's Shwaffles, Seanwiches, and drinks. Nevertheless, those Hot Dogs were D-E-L-I-C-I-O-U-S! I ate six of them at once, and I was considering eating more of it, but my budget was quite limited. Seriously though, we should probably ask the proprietor, Mr. Hoggle, to open a café inside the ‘Shroom. I would honestly prefer that than to whatever food we have in the awful breakroom we have right now. We should probably consider making some improvements in it.
Haha, I know what you are wondering journal. Have could I bought those Hot Dogs if I lost my wallet, and thus not having any money with me? Well, the thing is I still have not find my wallet, but on the bright side, it is thanks to the Glitz Pit that I managed to get a few coins. What is the Glitz Pit? I am glad you ask! This is the place Ms. Mowz told me to go the last time I saw her in Rogueport. I think I wrote it down in here somewhere. The Glitz Pit is an arena where people can become fighters and gets to challenge other people in the arena with all the tricks you have to display. Can you jump? Go there and show your jump attacks! You are a Hammer Bro.? Go there and show how good you are at throwing hammers! Just make sure you are accurate enough though, because I do not think someone in the audience is interested in being hit by hammers on their head. I had the opportunity of seeing a fight between The Koopinator and Rawk Hawk, a former champion of the Glitz Pit, and that was so cool! Rawk Hawk managed to keep its #1 position in the pit. Apparently, it has been ages since Rawk Hawk is fighting in the Glitz Pit! If that is true, and looking at his fighting style, that dude is seriously a beast! The current champion is known as The Great Gonzales Jr. who managed to keep the title for over 15 years! Apparently, he was a former fighter of the group known as The Great Gonzales, who was himself a champion of the Glitz Pit, the one who dethroned Rawk Hawk! I do not have much clue about who was the Great Gonzales, but by speaking with some other folks here, it seems he was a great individual, who was often cheerful with other fighters. Looks like a great person to be honest! Although, it has been a longtime since Gonzales set foot to the Glitz Pit, you can still feel his energy in here, so overall it does seems reasonable that other fighters has a great admiration for him.
You wonder how I know all this little stuff, don't you? Well… I had to do some investigations inside the Glitz Pit. If I were to investigate regarding the clues I got from the Bandits, thanks to Ms. Mowz, the only way for me to get access all over the places was to become a fighter myself. Therefore, I went on to meet Ms. Jolene, the promoter of the pit who registered me under the name "Sticky Warrior", because apparently Ninja Squid was too mainstream (so uncalled for). She explained to me in a few words the tricks of becoming a good fighter in the Glitz Pit, and then she showed me some of the various locations in there, such as the Champion's Room, and the Major-League Locker Room, but eventually sent me into the Minor-League Locker Room. I have to say journal that the Minor-League Locker Room was disgusting and quite smelly! If this was their way of saying to try hard enough to rise into the ranks, well it was successful with me at least. At one moment, I wanted to grab some decent sleep, but when I found out the horrible state on the beds over there, I definitely changed my idea. The blanket had some stains of unidentified residue, GROSS!
Therefore, I decided to try to rise the ranks as fast as possible, and I succeeded. Without bragging over it, they were quite impressed, but they requested that I should give the fighters some slack, well actually that was after I sent one of them to the infirmary, because one of them was suffocated by a splash of ink. Honestly! I am a ninja; I did stuff that was much more gruesome then that! Speaking of which, I wonder if I am still a wanted individual in Inkopolis Plaza. No matter, it is not important right now, and Agent 2 would have told me if that was the case.
In any case, I am currently at rank #8 in the Glitz Pit, and residing into the much cleaner Major-League Locker Room where I took a decent nap. Once done with that, I decided it was the right time to start investigate the arena. If my wallet was in someone's hands in there, I had to find it! I thought that finding it would actually been quite the easy task.
That is what I thought of course, but I actually had a harder time than what I believed. Damn! No wonder why optimism has never been my forte when you are always followed by a streak of bad luck like that. The problem? Well, each time I was doing something that could appeared questionable for normal individuals, which am not, Ms. Jolene always found a way to mysteriously appear each freaking time. How annoying! That is not to mention her scolding about my offenses. She also asked me if I was related to a certain Bandy Andy, and I had no clue of what she was talking about. I decided to stop acting like a delinquent… for a moment at least. Although my investigation will be a bit longer because of it, it would not be much more helpful if I were expelled from the Glitz Pit. In the time being, I decided to reserve a match against Rank #7 in the Pit. I still do not know where my wallet is, and I could not even comprehend what was the deal with the Black Markets in here.
It has been a week since I arrived in Rogueport and I have the impression that this trip is a series of mess one after another. It is fun at times, but it would much more fun if I could actually have a better understanding of everything that is going on. I am still as clueless as ever, and my chances of finding my wallet is becoming more and more weak. I do wonder if Ms. Mowz’s research is going better right now, and well I hope so.
Well, I guess it is time for me to prepare myself for the upcoming fight, so with that said stay fr… Hang on Journal! Someone is apparently looking for me…
UPDATE: Journal, I… uh… I don’t know how to say this, but you would probably not see that coming. First, the "Someone" was actually Ms. Mowz herself! Second, I finally have my wallet back! Lastly, I am not even in the Glitz Pit as I am writing these lines. Where am I? Well, I am back to Rogueport!
Ms. Mowz had a stroke of luck! While beating the heck out of a Bandit, she came across to what was my wallet. She was surprised that I managed to make my way to Glitzville without any money with myself (oh dear, if she knew). Overall, the whole Black Market story at the Glitz Pit had nothing to do with it, and honestly, I couldn't care less about that now. Not my problem! I haven't told her that it was actually what I was looking for the whole time yet, but we have a greater problem ahead!
The whole reason for Ms. Mowz to look for me was not only to bring back my wallet, but also to tell me something worrying. My story regarding a "rare artefact" completely blew out of proportion in Rogueport. There were plenty of rumors and speculations about what it was, which at first wasn't too much problematic, but it took a rather morbid turn! There were two murders in Rogueport in the time frame between my initial meeting with Mowz, and the time I was in Glitzville. Not only that, but apparently, rumors continued to intensify, and apparently, I am now a wanted individual in Rogueport! What the heck!
Ms. Mowz brought me a hood to replace my skull bandana in order to hide my indentity until we could go at the bottom of this affair. I decided to keep my nickname from the Glitz Pit for the time being and until I could prove the innocence of "Ninja Squid".
I dunno how the Glitz Pit will consider my sudden disappearance, but who knows, maybe I will now be the eighth wonder of the Glitz Pit! For now though, I will try to gather more information of what is happening in Rogueport, and I will give you an update. Don't worry, I'll be careful. Until then journal, stay fresh!
Let's-a-go Around the World
Welcome to LaGATW, where we strive to give people the best possible vacation, and it’s definitely not a scam to steal their money. For today’s travel guide, we will be visiting Isle Delfino.
The best parts of this luxurious get-away are the well-deserved R&R, friendly locals, and comfortable hotels. Although there is the occasional graffiti (or full-on vandalism), we have our heroic janitor to clean up any muck and/or
monsters friendly creatures which will hopefully not eat you. That would be bad for business.
The number 1# city (actually, it’s ‘’’only’’’ city) on Isle Delfino is Delfino Plaza. Here, you’ll find it heavily populated with Piantas and Racoons, which heavily relies on Shine Sprites for “safety and comfort”. Another (probably) peaceful area on the island is Ricco Harbor, which is constantly
ravaged by loved and protected by a giant Gooper Blooper. Seriously, what is wrong with my pen today?
Local Species & Fauna
Isle Delfino hosts a bounty of different species, such as Cataquacks and the Goomba-like Strollin’ Stus. While some are hostile (Recommended to bring a F.L.U.D.D., which can be purchased from our sponsor, Gadd Science, Incorporated.), there are also many Yoshi living here. Let me tell you, nothing beats racing on a Yoshi across the beach while watching the sunset.
The main attraction of Isle Delfino is its multiple shops, which are put clearly on display at Coconut Mall. Some of the bountiful shops are Delfino Dream, Fun Flower, and Tropical Bakery. Also, you might be able to witness a Mario Kart race throughout the mall. It is recommended to stay out of the Red Shell district, however.
Economy, Population, and Other Statistics
8.5/10 Stars The vacation was-a awesome! The hotel was pleasant, and there was a bunch to see-a and so much to do! However, my Poltergust did have a small affair with another machine called F.L.U.D.D…. - Luigi M.
2/10 Stars This place is just bad. Halfway through the airplane, the engine suddenly cut, and I spent 3 minutes waiting for the mechanic to fix it. When I got there, the hotel had a mix-up, and I was forced to spend my get-away in a low-quality room, in contrast to my booked VIP room. The last straw was when I spent my life savings on a con artist. Unfortunately, my ticket was apparently downgraded, and so now I'm stuck here. Can someone help me? - Critic Toad 10/10 The place was great! I conned a random Toad and got 100,000 coins! Best. Vacation. EVER!! - Chet Rippo
Cost and Pricing
Discount Bundle: Cost: 1,000 Includes:
1-Way Normal Ticket
3 night stay at
somewhere I guess Hotel Delfino
$0.01 Gift Card
What are you waiting for? Go get that luxurious vacation you always wanted! If there's anywhere you want to see in these travel guides, go here. Until next time, let's a-go around the world!
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Welcome back to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament where we spawn a controversy over whether or not you should be allowed to drink your opponent through a straw! Yeah, I'm not going to beat around the bush, Slurp Guy's win last month ruffled some feathers. We've received a lot of letters from the Justice for Angry Watermelons Association, or "JAWA", who have called Slurp Guy's methods "unethical", "repulsive", and "the greatest crime against humanity since Waluigi Time Cereal" - I take personal offense to that one. They've also demanded that we give the victory to Angry Watermelon instead. Well too bad, I'm allowing it. Besides, how was I to know that Angry Watermelons were a protected species? Blame Commodore Shoe for dragging one out of the Awazon basin against its will, not me!
But enough of that garbage. It's time for this month's match! We're celebrating art this month at Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, and we had some pretty creative suggestions sent in. Our first contestant knows quite a bit about art, as he's an artist himself! Please welcome HOGGUS!
Hoggus' specialty is apparently realism, because his art is so lifelike that it becomes real! He doesn't attack directly, always flying out of reach, but who needs to get their hands dirty in combat when you can just drop infinite pigs on people? Infinite until his hand cramps up anyway. And his weaknesses? Well, there aren't any. You can't defeat him even when pigs fly.
But with the power to create comes the power to destroy... Give a big round of applause to our next contestant, MR. ERASER!
Mistakes are inevitable in art, and that's where Mr. Eraser comes in. A misplaced coin, one enemy too many, even improperly shaped terrain, you name it, Mr. Eraser can wipe it from existence. I don't really have much more to say about him other than be afraid, be very afraid.
As for my prediction on the match... Well, we might have just encountered a bit of an "unstoppable force meets immovable object" situation here. My money's on the eraser though.
Hoggus is starting off with an impressive display of his artistic talent, dropping pigs all over the ring with remarkable speed considering he has to draw them all by hand. They're no match for Mr. Eraser though, as he erases them all! Things aren't looking too good for Hoggus, as his only method of attack has been countered already, though Mr. Eraser has to find a way to get to him first. Come to think of it, I don't think we have any procedures in place for stalemates...
Hold on, Mr. Eraser is walking towards the edge of the ring? Is he leaving? He knows that's an automatic forfeit, right? Wait a minute, he's using the ropes as a trampoline to bounce up to Hoggus! AND IT WORKED! MR. ERASER JUST ERASED HOGGUS! That's one of the most creative moves I've ever seen here at Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown! How fitting that it would be this month of all matches. Well, looks like we have a clear victory. The winner is-
Before the winner could be officially announced, an explosion blew a hole in one of the building's walls. The smoke soon cleared to reveal the devious Michelanshoego with something obscured under a drop cloth.
"WALUIGI TIME YOU HACK FRAUD THIS DAY I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE AND FINALLY WIN MUSHROOM KINGDOM SMACKDOWN WITH MY GREATEST CREATION, BEHOLD MY MASTERPIECE THE TERRIBLE PORTRAIT"
After yelling about his fighter, Michelanshoego removed the drop cloth and ran off.
Well then, I didn't see that one coming. Looks like we're having a double match here! Quick, someone get me the paperwork...
Okay, so um, this abomination is the Terrible Portrait. It actually has quite an impressive range of attacks, including summoning fireballs, iceballs, electricity, and tossing boulders. Not really what you'd expect from a living painting. According to the application it can also sap half of your strength and then cause you to go mad just by looking into it, which I can't verify because I refuse to make eye contact with this horrific thing. Seriously, why is it breathing?
This could go either way if you ask me, since the Terrible Portrait can easily overwhelm Mr. Eraser with all those different attacks. If Mr. Eraser can avoid them though, it should be an easy win for him. Frankly I'm just going to support Mr. Eraser solely on the basis that I don't want this thing to be around anymore. Let's see what happens.
Ugh, I don't even want to watch this... Chuck, do you want to take over as announcer for this one? Okay, nevermind, he's cowering in fear in the corner. Can't say I blame him though.
The Terrible Portrait starts off by throwing an ice ball at Mr. Eraser, freezing him inside a block of ice! It's not slowing him down much though, as Mr. Eraser is now erasing the block of ice from inside. Terrible Portrait follows up by throwing a boulder at Mr. Eraser, but he escaped in the nick of time! That was quite the close call. And now Mr. Eraser strikes back, erasing one of the Terrible Portrait's arms and leaving nothing but a blank canvas! It's still anyone's match!
The Terrible Portrait is now launching electricity across the ring at Mr. Eraser, but he's managing to avoid it for now. Looks like the Terrible Portrait isn't too happy about being disarmed, heh heh... Uh, anyway, it looks like Mr. Eraser is going for the Portrait itself this time! Unfortunately for him, it's able to move just out of reach somehow, I'm not really sure how, but okay. The Terrible Portrait retaliates by tossing a fireball at Mr. Eraser, but instead of dodging, he just erases it completely, and then takes out the other arm! The Terrible Portrait is now completely helpless as long as Mr. Eraser doesn't look into it! Is he going to go for the final blow? He is! He- oh no, I just looked into it, oh gosh, oh why, gross, absolutely disgusting, why would anyone think this was okay, I hate this.
Okay, I'm, I'm good... The Terrible Portrait has been erased and Mr. Eraser is the winner! Hey Chuck, it's over, you can look now.
Thanks for tuning in everyone, I hope you all enjoyed the matches and I also hope that the Terrible Portrait didn't scar you for life. As always, if you have someone you'd like to see in the ring next month, send us your suggestions!
I think I need to get an appointment with a therapist now. Thanks Michelanshoego.
This month’s edition of the ‘Shroom honours a writer whose longevity in serving this humble publication is impressive to say the least, and who has achieved a milestone worth celebrating. That’s right, I, Quizmelon, have been writing for the ‘Shroom for five whole years! Yes, I’m truly the greatest- sorry, just let me take this call real quick.
(Yes? ...What? ...Some Palette Swap director?... 100 issues? Really? Surely 60 issues is a much more significant milestone... I mean, the Babylonians used a sexagesimal counting system with 60 as their equivalent to 100, you know?... oh, I thought that whole ‘art and music’ theme was a reference to my writing being as captivating as art and beautiful as music... yeah, makes more sense I suppose... oh well, I understand... I’ll just wait for issue 211... yeah... thanks anyway... bye.)
Well, that is disappointing. In all seriousness, congratulations to FunkyK38 on making it to a hundred issues of the ‘Shroom; that is genuinely impressive commitment. Now, with what might possibly be my longest introductory section yet over and done with, let’s move onto some writing as beautiful as art and as captivating as music. It’s the top three picks of Mushroom Kingdom television programming!
New: Conjectural Title
Genre: Police procedural
This new crime drama series from MKBC1 features a fictionalised version of the police department that is responsible for dealing with crimes around the Mario Tennis stadia, a Mushroom Kingdom government institution so ignored that they do not have an official name, which makes this show rather confusingly vague at times. Nevertheless, it remains exciting and compelling, so make sure to tune in for tomorrow’s episode, where the police investigate a suspicious graffiti incident, and someone insists they used to be called Bucketheads at some point.
The Ecstasy of Artwork
Genre: Art show
I’m not even going to be subtle about this one: The Ecstasy of Artwork is a copy of Bob Ross’s The Joy of Painting, which due to its syndicated nature was one of the few shows from our world to make it to the Mushroom Kingdom. Nevertheless, it is quite fun to see Mario attempt to paint beautiful scenes of nature, though the fact he is a trained plumber and not an artist does shine through quite a bit. In tomorrow’s episode, the twenty-ninth series, Mario paints one of those huge coloured mushroom mountain things you find in World 1 and other places. You know the ones I mean. Do those have a name either?
Birdo Live in Concert
Genre: Music concert
Pride Month is also a thing in the Mushroom Kingdom, though it’s never quite had the prevalence in their world it does in ours. But Birdo aims to change that tomorrow night. As the Mushroom Kingdom’s most prominent LGBTQ+ resident, and also a fairly good singer, she is putting on her most extravagant concert yet for an audience of thousands at the Toad Town Concert Hall, and millions at home as well. Daring and fun, it promises to be highly enjoyable, and not at all like the total shambles Rosalina’s live magic show was back in April. I mean, that was truly awful. Can’t believe I made it sound so good in my previous article. Birdo’s should be much better.
And that’s all for what I can officially state is the longest edition of TV Tomorrow ever across five years of my writing it. Mostly down to that telephone call I received in the middle of my introduction and then inexplicably decided to transcribe for you. Anyway, have an excellent tomorrow and rest of June; I’ll see you in July for the next edition of TV Tomorrow!
|The 'Shroom: Issue 171|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • 'Shroomfest • Poll Chairperson Election|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner• Strategy Wing|
|Specials||Community Awards Dossier • Community Gallery • Music on a Staff • Ultimate Location Battle|