The 'Shroom:Issue 233/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! That sure was an Awards Ceremony last week, but I'm not going to gush about it again because you definitely read my half of Staff Notes and didn't decide it was boring and skip the page, hahaha... Anywho, I'm pleased to say that we have a surprisingly packed edition of Fake News this month! The coolness and creativity just doesn't stop flowing in this community, does it?
Star Ratings is taking the month off, but aside from that we have our full slate of usual sections! In addition, Shoey (talk) has not one but two editions of News Flush hot off the presses, while ClawgripFan9001 (talk) is continuing his Diddy Kong Redemption movement with a guest Travel Guide, and starting a new Character Parade series of unseen characters from the watery depths of Mario's world!
If you feel like it's a good time to start up a new section (secret tip, it's always a good time) then stop by our sign up page for everything you need to apply! Or if you just want to write a one-off section like News Flush or Travel Guide without further commitment, just contact me privately with your submission. We hope to hear from you soon, and if you have any questions, please feel free to reach out!
Section of the Month
Congratulations to Shoey and Hooded Pitohui (talk) for a first place finish on last month's Fungal Forager's Field Guide! Even though no one's really sure what's going on with the Artichoker, apparently that doesn't mean folks weren't enjoying it! And in second place, we've got a tie between TheBlueCatMenace's The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide and Boo1268's The Spectral Lens, covering Sirena Beach and Dry Dry Desert respectively! Ooh, that's a lot of sand. Don't tell Anakin. Thank you to everyone who supports their favorite sections through SOTM, and please be sure to keep it up!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Fungal Forager's Field Guide | 7 | 23.33% | Shoey (talk) & Hooded Pitohui (talk) |
| 2nd | The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide | 4 | 13.33% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 2nd | The Spectral Lens | 4 | 13.33% | Boo1268 |
Written by: Parshoe G. Shoelow (talk)
Art by: TPG (talk)
Smithy Gang Votes to Strike
It was a rancorous scene in Weapon World as, for the first time in the factory's history, the Smithy Gang Union has voted to strike. Made up entirely of sentient weapons and led by the evil smith Smithy, the Smithy Gang briefly terrorized the Mushroom Kingdom. During their attack, they spared none, destroying the Koopa Troop while instituting a bouncy reign of terror on the Mushroom Kingdom during which they even installed the pogo stick-riding Mack as the king of the Mushroom Kingdom. The threat posed by the Smithy Gang was so large that Mario and Bowser put aside their differences to face them. Alongside our beloved princess, the cloud prince Mallow, and the Star Warrior Geno, they defeated Smithy in his own dimension, destroying his factory in the process.
Or so we thought. Reports from our correspondents in Weapon World indicate that Smithy has managed to rebuild his factory and has begun the process of recreating his horrifying army. But the work has bred frustration from the factory workers, who complain of long hours, lax safety standards, and no overtime pay. Attempts by the union to negotiate better conditions proved fruitless, Smithy's only offer, as conveyed by the factory Clerk, being that if they got back to work immediately then he wouldn't melt them down and turn them into new minions. In response, the Smithy Gang, led by union representative Pounder #7, voted for the first time in its history to strike, sending the factory into chaos. We reached out to both Smithy and the union for comment, who both responded, with Smithy saying the following:
THEY THINK THEY CAN STOP WORKING? I BUILT THEM! AND I'LL DESTROY THEM! DEADLINES MUST BE MET FOR THE INCOMING INVASION! EVEN IF I HAVE TO MELT THEM DOWN AND START ALL OVER! THE DEADLINES WILL BE MET!
On the side of the union, Union Rep Pounder #7 sent this reporter the following quote:
We at the Smithy Gang take pride in our work. We feel we make the best weapons not only in Weapon World but in any world or any dimension! And the boys would love nothing more than to get back to work. But things have to change. Ever since Smithy rebuilt the factory, conditions have become intolerable. We're working twenty-four hour shifts with no days off; it's exhausting! Our demands aren't unreasonable. All we want is a six-days-a-week work schedule, rotating holidays, and finally 401(k) match up to 6% instead of the standard 4%. But Smithy won't hear any of it, so the boys and I had no choice but to authorize this strike. And now Smithy is threatening to build scabs? Let me tell you something, the boys are already mad, but if those Machine Made scabs cross the picket line, what Mario did to the factory is gonna look like a toddler's tantrum compared to what me and the boys do! And you can quote us on that!
It appears that this labor stoppage could last quite a while, as neither side seems willing to budge, which in this reporter's opinion is a good thing. It'll be nice not to have to worry about another invading force for a while.
Written by: MightyMario (talk)
Hello and welcome to another edition of TV Tomorrow! I want to thank those of you that voted for TV Tomorrow at the Mario Awards, I'm really glad that you all love to read the section and that I hope I've done a good job of bringing back what everyone loved about the previous iterations of the section.
Without further ado, let's see what's on TV!
Cable/Satellite
Movie: Luigi and the Haunted Greenhouse (2013)
Network: Boo Network @10:00 PM MKST
Genre: Horror/Mystery
Luigi's been invited to the Evershade Valley Garden Convention, where he plans to show off his numerous bouquets of Fire and Ice Flowers to the public (seriously he's collected a lot of them during past adventures). However, things take a chilling turn when King Boo shows up and steals his bouquets, sending them into a temporal dimension so he can win top prize with his ghostly garden. Luigi must once more take up the Poltergust and explore King Boo's greenhouse before the convention begins… and try not to get too freaked out in the meantime!
Show: Dancing with the Krocs
Network: K. Rool Channel @8:00 PM MKST
Genre: Music/Dance
Crocodile Isle's number one dance competition is back for another season! King K. Rool offers up his Kremling cohorts to dance their tails off for a chance to win the Banana Hoard on Kongo Bongo Island! Contestants this season include: General Klump, the Klaptrap Trio, Krusha, King Zing & Queen B., Donkey Kong, and of course the best dancer in the Isle: King K. Rool himself! Last season, K. Rool won the competition and was awarded 10,000 Banana Coins as first prize. Of course, we could say that K. Rool might be rigging the show so he wins… but I don't want to get a Kannonball to the face (not after last time).
Streaming
Show: Shake Stars
Streaming on: Shakeit+
Genre: Adventure/Action
The Shake King is back in an all new adventure, and he's out to SHAKE up everything! He'll find more treasure in a shake of a lamb's tail than any other person can! It's a shakin' good time, eager to shake any new audience members into watching the show. The Shake King stars as himself, which might be a big shake-up in the award shows this fall! It's all about shake, shake, SHAKE! (That's a lot of using the word shake, I don't think I can say it anymore…)
Show: Sailing with Mario and Friends
Streaming on: Blooper
Genre: Comedy/Adventure
Mario and pals are sailing across the Mushroom Sea, visiting numerous islands and archipelagos along the way! With First Mate Luigi and Navigator Peach, there's nothing that can go wrong… until Wario, the ship's janitor, tangles himself in knots within the mast and causes them to head to the wrong places. Waluigi tries to free him, but he gets knocked overboard by the anchor that Wario placed. Certainly these two are the show's comic relief, providing fun hijinks while on the journey. Don't miss their crazy antics and Mario's sailing skills!
Program of the Month: Viewer's Choice
You may remember back in May that I said that there would be times where you, the viewer, gets to pick what the Program of the Month is, and here's this month's Viewer's Choice courtesy of Sparks, The 'Shroom's Sub-Director! The theme was Summer and the program reflected that theme quite well!
Show: Cosmic Cove Chilling
Network: Outer Space Station @8:00 PM
Genre: Relaxation/Zen
Join the friendly penguins and their coach as they peacefully swim around the breathtaking Cosmic Cove Galaxy! Cosmic Cove Chilling does not feature exciting adventures but rather the observation of several penguins inhabiting the large planet like they're living a normal life. It's accompanied by calm, peaceful music that'll help you fall asleep if you need rest. This program also serves as a screensaver and is just nice to have playing in the background in general. You may even pick up a few swimming tricks from the penguins featured!
Why did I recommend this?
While not the first thing you think of when you hear "Summer", I decided to recommend "Cosmic Cove Chilling" as a way to "cool off" when the Sun is setting. Cosmic Cove Galaxy's beautiful "Sky" background will pair well with the sky in the real world when the show comes on (8:00 PM means a Twilight sky with beautiful colors). It's a nice, relaxing show that's also perfect for the evening. Swimming is typically associated with Summer, and Cosmic Cove Galaxy is a beach, so I think it fits. Think of this as a nature documentary, seeing penguins in their (un)natural habitat!
That'll be all for TV Tomorrow! See you all next time for more show and movie recommendations!
Dry Dry Data
Written by: DryBonesBandit (talk)
Greetings once more, readers of this section. It is I, Dry Bones Bandette, back again with another report on the wildlife of wherever I end up going to because there is zero consistency. I had heard that there were some “Awards” to be held, so I had decided to “celebrate” by researching a festive species. Unfortunately, the only creature I found that fit the bill was the Bloomp (Tetraodon latex). I hope this is somehow satisfactory.
The Adventure
After annoyingly returning to the Flower Kingdom for probably the fifth time, I set out for what the locals called the “Sunbaked Desert”. I had not realized why it was called that until it was far too late for me to prepare. Even skeletons like me can hardly handle the heat of this place! I came across a large structure during my travels and tried to ask the owners for some water, but they just shoved me down the stairs, which I found quite rude. Eventually, I found where the Bloomps were hiding before I could spontaneously combust and ducked beneath an arch for some shade.
Unfortunately, this reprieve from the sunrays was not to be. A Bloomp came from nowhere and flew right into me, sending me flying. Upset, I decided to change my subject to a different creature and started to head back, only for another Bloomp to catch my attention. This one had something glowing inside. I approached it, only for the pufferfish to spit out the Wonder Flower it had consumed and fly off. Before I could react, the plant did its magic and caused a school of magenta Bloomps to ascend from the depths below.
While I was happy that the skies became dark from the wonder effect, I was less than thrilled about the fish taking me to the heavens above. It felt like I was trapped in a pinball machine, with several Bloomps caught in walls above bouncing me left and right. If that was not enough, a group of Goombrats on an island above were blown down right into my path, giving me something I had to dodge. The nightmare finally ended when I was slammed into a Wonder Seed very high up, which warped me back to the sands below. I began to celebrate, only to be launched back to where I began by another pufferfish. This is why I do not like the Flower Kingdom.
The Analysis
Bloomps are a species of pufferfish that evolved to make their home in drier climates. These balloon-like fliers are colorful, commonly found with green and magenta shades or, while rarer, a lighter blue hue. Their stretchy skin is without scales and transparent, allowing one to view their insides. They have large mouths which allow them to take in lots of air at once, which they expel to move around. Their coloration is actually caused by their movement; if a Bloomp fails to keep in motion, they will become a dull gray and lose their ability to fly. This is commonly caused by their tails being twisted; this prevents them from expelling air. They have a single fin near their tails, allowing them to control the direction they fly. If a Bloomp runs out of air, it will lose control of its motion and eventually fall to the ground. Air can be forced out of a Bloomp with an impact from above, such as a stomp.
A Bloomp’s body is a single organ that serves all the functions a Bloomp needs to survive. Its skin is tough, preventing fatal ruptures. Their underbellies are their weak point; hits from below cause them to burst in most instances. Bloomps are very stretchy, like balloons; they are quite small in size, but blow up to greater scale when filled with air.
Bloomps are a purely vegetarian species; they are unable to digest meat. A lack of teeth forces Bloomps to try and inhale the leaves from palm trees in order to eat. However, they are not good at telling whether an object is edible or not; as a result, one can commonly see Bloomps with coins in their stomachs, or rarely with an unexpectedly inedible Wonder Flower. Grayed Bloomps higher in the skies are often seen with confetti swirling around their bodies; this is a result of winds in the Fluff-Puff Peaks blowing the confetti from celebrations all the way to Sunbaked Deserts, where desperate Bloomps take in the litter in desperation for sustenance. This sky pollution is commonly frowned upon in the Flower Kingdom due to its negative effect on the Bloomp population, leading to efforts by the locals to aid these airborne pufferfish.
Bloomps are quite similar to another fish species; the Bafloonder. They are actually related, with the Bafloonder evolving to reside in the seas and the Bloomps in the skies. Unlike the Bloomp, Bafloonders have less worries about bursting due to even tougher skin. They also worry less for food with seagrass as a common sight underwater. What caused Bloomps to diverge is unknown; fossils of Bloomps are quite uncommon as they lack any form of bone or cartilage, so much of their history is unrecorded.
A common mistake people make when thinking about these flying fish is that they were simply an invention of the Koopa Troop; Bloomps are in fact living beings that were mistakenly loaded into specialized Bill Blasters during Bowser’s takeover of the Flower Kingdom. The fish were unharmed by this due to their stretchy bodies allowing them to enter tight spaces.
If it wasn’t obvious by this point, Bloomps are quite like balloons in appearance and demeanor, which is the source of their name. One must wonder if balloons were based on these flying fish…
The End
Thanks for reading another edition of my section; I appreciate all of my readers and the time they take to see what I’ve written! Be sure to catch the next edition, and as always, leave a suggestion in my talk page or on the Super Mario Boards, and see you next time.
Written by: Hendrik Postma (talk)
Goeie! It’s always nice seeing new faces make the scene that is my humble aquatic abode! The name is Hendrik Postma, and I’m a water spirit hailing from the watery trenches of Water Land, close by the underwater civilization that is Mertropolis, ruled by King William Mackerel and his daughter, Crown Princess Holly Mackerel! Are you perhaps interested in meeting the many submerged souls that roam the aquatic world that I happen to be part of? Well, you've come to the right place, here at Character Parade! So let’s have a look at the first two of many fishy fellows we will be meeting over the course of this section, shall we?
Queen Maxine Mackerel
The late wife of King William Mackerel and mother of their only child, Crown Princess Holly Mackerel. She first met her future husband while he was on a diplomatic visit to her kingdom, Whales' Bay. The two of them immediately took a liking to one another, which turned into a platonic friendship, that platonic friendship turned into a close bond, and that close bond eventually blossomed into a romance. Out of love for each other, and to strengthen the bonds between their two kingdoms, William and Maxine proceeded to wed at some point in the summer of 1967. Two years later, they were blessed by the birth of a baby girl they named Holly. Tragedy struck the Royal Family of Mertropolis in 1984, however, when the Queen fell victim to a shark attack, leaving King William widowed and Holly in the sole care of her father as she continued to grow up and become a teenager, and eventually a young adult. It is said by sources close to the Mertropolitan Royal Family that once Crown Princess Holly ends up mothering a child of her own, she intends to make its middle name Maxine if it happens to be a girl so as to honor her late mother.
Lord Richard Currents
The brother of the late Queen Maxine Mackerel, brother-in-law of King William Mackerel, uncle of Crown Princess Holly Mackerel, and the current ruler of Whales' Bay, the kingdom Queen Maxine originally hailed from. Even following the gruesome demise of his younger sister, he continues to maintain strong diplomatic relationships with Mertropolis, as well as his brother-in-law, William and niece, Holly. He has a wife named Beatrice and a son named Victor, who is the current Crown Prince of Whales' Bay. Sources say that Lord Richard operates an Early Bird Regulation in his kingdom, where residents wake up, open up their business, go to bed, and close their business all at an early time of day, because Lord Richard firmly believes that "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise". His regulation seems to have a positive effect on the overall residential satisfaction, economy and general productivity in the kingdom, so his words do get put into practice.
That's about all there is to this very first dive into our journey of discovery of all the submerged souls that dwell in the oceanic environments of the Mushroom World other than myself! I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope to see you kindly drop in once more at my aquatic abode, which bears a strong resemblance to the Rank C Mansion you might be able to receive at the end of the very first Luigi's Mansion game, for those who are interested in knowing what my residence looks like! Oant sjen!
Written by: Boo1268
The Secret Story of The Great Tree
Hello, readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. Another year of Awards has come and gone, with new and old faces joining the fray to provide an even BETTER ceremony than last year's Awards. I among several others got to display and observe such AMAZING talent this year, from several art pieces that astounded MANY individuals, to participating in multiple fun events such as painting, trying on power-ups, listening to fantastical compositions and even playing hand crafted video games! I must say, it was quite fun! But then again, I expected nothing less than the best! The parade was very nice as well. Truly, these awards ceremonies continue to be a great way to show how much our community has grown over the years and how tightly connected we all are as a team. Speaking of, all this talk about growing and forming strong connections reminds me of the unique history of one of the more unassuming creatures present within our world, and how a combination of collaboration, appreciation, kindness, and community allowed them to thrive for many years in a place that once seemed too dangerous for them to live in. So with that out of the way, let us begin, shall we?
| The Great Tree | |
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Known to many as the “Great Boggly Tree”, this grand tree has been one of the more prominent landmarks present within the Boggly Woods for over 1,000 years! Now being home to many of the woods' stranger inhabitants that lurk within its branches and roots, some dendrologists even believe that the tree could possibly be a distant relative to that of the redwoods! |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know that the entirety of the Great Tree is hollow, from the top of the tree, to deep within its roots? Strangely enough though, a manmade artificial watering system was created to keep the tree watered all these years later. | |
Our story begins many years ago, deep within the thicket of the Boggly Woods. A race of small strange creatures were in a constant battle to stay alive. These creatures, known as the Punies, had the challenge of facing many dangerous monsters present within the woods. In fact, the Punies were so outmatched and defenseless that their main tactic for staying alive within the woods was to hide from predators who roamed the forest floor, their tiny size allowing them to hide effectively within the brush and fields of flowers present within the woods. This wasn't helped by the constant annoyance and presence of their invasive rival species, the Jabbies, who like the Punies, sought out Mushrooms as a natural food source. But while the Punies sought out the shrooms for the taste, the Jabbies enjoyed them for the juiciness and hydrating liquids contained within the fungus membrane, leaving nothing left but dried moldy mushrooms in their wake, greatly diminishing the Punies' food source. For several years, the population of the Punies would slowly dwindle due to their increasing lack of food source, plus the ever increasing amount of scary monsters plaguing the woods alongside their natural predators. It would seem as if the place they had once called home would be theirs no more. However, that would all change the day one of the four legendary heroes would come to make these mystical quaint woods their home and change the fate of the Punies forever.
| Boggly Woods | |
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A strange, beautiful, mystical, but also eerie and surreal forest located in the outer Rogueport area. It is the home to many fearsome, beautiful and strange creatures, from Pale Piranhas to Dark Puffs, Pale Clefts, and Thornys, alongside being the home to the Puni's natural predator, the Pider. |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know that the reason Pale Piranhas are so pale is because of the Boggly Woods' strange mineral composition within the forest dirt? This, alongside the overall lack of consistent sunlight and the ground seemingly absorbing most of the nutrients plants receive, resulted in this coloration. These unique circumstances have also caused the Pale Piranhas to be characterized as their own subspecies to that of the normal Piranha Plant, despite them once being the same. | |
For you see, a few years later, a wise Goomba lass who had extensive knowledge of the world around her made her home within said woods, finding the peaceful tranquility to be the perfect place to read up on her extensive collection of books, scrolls, etc., occasionally traveling out into the world to discover, jot down and gather info and knowledge on everything she had seen, from the grandest buildings, to the smallest creatures. Eventually however, when the fearsome Shadow Demon plunged the land into darkness and ordered a slew of fearsome beasts to invade the land, it was the wise Goomba who had crafted a solution to ward away the monsters the demon had summoned, eventually using her knowledge to craft several items to ward away the beasts, such as objects to make foes dizzy, powder to confuse or hinder the beasts, even forming strategies using items that swap your powers and life, all in an effort to ward off the demon's monsters. Eventually she succeeded, successfully warding of all the monsters who had invaded the woods, even being able to drive away some creatures native to the woods that had joined the monsters' sides, such as the Thornys, who soon retreated deep down into the sewer systems of the Mushroom Kingdom to make their new home, now being commonly found among many of the sewers other residents, such as Sidesteppers, Shellcreepers, Fighter Flies, Spike Snakes, and much, much more! As a result of her successful banishment of the monsters, the wise Goomba wondered if she could somehow find a way to banish all the monsters that the demon had now plagued the land with, and maybe even find a way to defeat the demon herself. An opportunity would eventually present itself when she would be summoned by a mystical Boo and her allies, but that's a story for another day. Now, shall we continue? As months passed by, tales of what the wise Goomba had accomplished did not go unnoticed by the Punies. Some Punies were even lucky enough to have seen her perform these actions in the flesh! As time went on, the Punies of Boggly Woods began to admire the cunning, intelligence and bravery of the Goomba even more than before.
| The Emerald Star Shrine | |
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A shrine crafted by the great Puni elders as the sacred holding place of the mystical Emerald Star entrusted to the Punies by the wise Goomba hero. For a time, it could only be activated by the combined power and unity of the sacred Puni Orb and 101 Punies, both acting as the key to open the shrine. It remained as the hiding place of the Emerald Star for over 1,000 years, until it was unearthed by a fabled Hero in Red. |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know that the reason there are multiple shrines from which the Puni Orb can be placed, is due to the fact that Punies are naturally distracted? From being very skittish, to constantly losing their way, the Punies needed something shiny and squishy to keep them focused and to gather them together. | |
Months would pass, and eventually, the wise Goomba lass would return after defeating the Shadow Queen and sealing her away. Upon her return, the Punies would ask the wise Goomba to aid them in their constant fight against the monsters that plagued the forest. The wise Goomba, pitying the Punies, aided them in their plight, working together with the Punies to hollow out the Great Tree from the tippy top, to deep underground, even going deep into the tree's roots. The wise Goomba also aided in the construction of an artificial water system to keep the tree healthy for years to come. After the tree was finished, the Punies took the time to rest in their new home after so much work. Eventually, the Wise Goomba, now seeing the Punies as her friends, told them her plight, how she and the three other heroes had saved the world, but at the cost of being placed under a terrible curse by the vile queen. Wanting to show their appreciation, the Punies promised to guard the sacred star and hide it where no one could ever find it. After deconstructing her home, the wise Goomba had set off to hide the last Crystal Star she had in her possession. Years would pass as the tale of the Emerald Star would fade from the history of the Puni tribe, eventually being noted as nothing more than a legend. Soon, some of the vile monsters of the woods would make their way into the tree, with Piders, Pale Piranhas, and even the vile Jabbies making their home within the tree's walls. It would be the arrival of the Jabbies that was the last straw, with the Puni elders at the time quickly coming together soon after to craft a secret entrance to the tree that only they would know about. During these few years, many conflicts between the Jabbies and the Punies over food, water and other resources would occur, so much so that several Punies would eventually move out of the tree, traveling to dark, damp places to live more simple lives. These Punies would come to be known only as Movers, however, for the ones that stayed, advancements would be made, as a shop would soon form within the trees bark, providing some form of economical growth to the tree's thriving community, with one Puni even becoming a member of a club to pass the time.
| Punies | |
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Punies, being the strange creatures that they are, come in many differing shapes, sizes and colors. It's theorized that the puffy antenna of the Punies, due to their ability to change color, could be used as a defense mechanism to warn other Punies of danger. They also seem to be able to change it based on their mood, personality, or occupation. However, it is unclear if these theories hold any water or not. |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know that despite their pathetic nature, Punies are surprisingly good at building and destroying objects? From crafting bubble baths out of parts of the tree to destroying Jabbi nests, Punies, despite their small size, are pretty handy! | |
The Punies' seemingly simple life would change one day, as seemingly out of the blue, a strange Wind Spirit would find her way into the woods. This spirit was once a famous actress known by the world as Madame Flurrie, who at one point retired from the stage to find herself and bask in the peacefulness the woods had to offer (despite all the other creatures who roamed the forest floor). Some time later, Miss Flurrie would come to make a home within the woods, eventually coming in contact with the “adorable” Punies, quickly becoming friends with them, so much so that the Punies would work together with Flurrie to hide the secret entrance to their home, so that no other invaders could enter. Speaking of invaders, around this time an unlikely friendship had formed between a young Jabbi and a young Puni, who despite their clans' differing opinions of each other, managed to put their differences aside and come together to be friends, so much so, that even the other Punies would come to accept this Jabbi as a part of their community. This would be one of many things to come that would bring an end to the constant conflict between their races. However, things would take a turn for the worse when the vile X-Nauts invaded the Great Tree, searching for the sacred star.
| Jabbies and the Jabbi Hive | |
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Sometime after the hollowing of the Great Tree, the Jabbies found themselves migrating from the once mushroom-rich floor of the Boggly Woods into the tree, in order to suck up all the rich water flowing from inside the tree. Soon the Jabbi tribe would go so far as to pair and collaborate with a slew of intruders to claim the tree for themselves. Ultimately however, this resulted in the destruction of their hives, leading to them now living peacefully with their once rivals, no longer wanting to fight over the tree. |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know that Jabbies were originally not native to the Boggly Woods? In truth, they actually originate from Chucklehuck Woods in the Beanbean Kingdom. However, they were driven out by local cola makers due to Chuckola Fruit being their main source of food. However, they have now perfectly integrated themselves within the Boggly Woods ecosystem. | |
Soon after the arrival of the X-Nauts and their leader Lord Crump, many of the Punies would be captured, leading to much of the Great Tree becoming mechanised under their rule, with many parts of the tree now being locked or sealed away. Thankfully, it would take the bravery of one adventurous Puni to bring home a hero to save his people, leading to the events told in the tale of The Thousand-Year Door, and as such, you know how the story goes, don't you? Mario becomes victorious against the vile X-Nauts and their leaders and ultimately defeats the Shadow Queen once and for all, thanks in part to the kindness and compassion shown by Mario's many allies. Indeed, and in turn the Jabbies and Punies would take this lesson to heart. Thanks in turn to Punio and Jabble, the two tribes were finally able to end their long standing feud and live in peace with each other, soon becoming stronger together as a community, even to this very day. So remember dear readers, despite the hardships that plague us in our day to day lives, in spite of our differences, in spite of events that happen in the past, present and future, we can all come together as a community to work together for something much greater than we imagined. Even if the stories and tales of our partnership become lost to time, the meaning behind our actions never goes away, despite everything, even when people we know in our lives are gone, the connections we have with them never fade away, those among many things can never be taken away. And so, with that, our story ends. I really hope you all enjoyed this edition of The Spectral Lens! It took a LOT of work to make this one but I hope you enjoy it! If you have any suggestions for what I should look into next time, make sure to check out my official forum page. I'm always willing to grow some more interesting ideas! So don't be afraid to give me suggestions. And with that I say: Merci, au revoir.
Written by: Rienzi Johnshoe (talk)
Court Rules Defendant Too Pathetic to Stand Trial
In a shocking legal development, the Toad Town Court has ruled that the infamous Captain Blackeye is, quote, "simply too pathetic to prosecute". At one time Captain Blackeye was one of the most feared pirate captains on the Mushroom Sea. His crew terrorized shipping lanes from Yoshi's Island to just off the coast of Seaside Town. A fearsome pirate with a dreaded reputation, Captain Blackeye was the terror of the seas until one day he and his crew simply disappeared, seemingly never to be seen again. For years authorities speculated what happened to the famed pirate, with some thinking he and his crew were lost in a storm while others believed that he found himself sunk after an encounter with the Koopa Navy. Regardless, it seemed that Captain Blackeye would never be seen again until a chance conversation between Banjo the Bear and Mario during the Super Smash Bros. Ultimate tournament saw Banjo reveal that he had met Captain Blackeye in a seaside bar in the town of Jolly Roger's Lagoon. Upon being informed of this, Mushroom Navy officials raced to Jolly Roger's Lagoon, hoping that Captain Blackeye was still there. There they found the captain staggering and drunk, still in Jolly Roger's bar.
Officials were shocked to find that far from the fearsome and dreaded Captain Blackeye that once terrorized the Mushroom Seas, Captain Blackeye was now a disheveled drunk barely even able to stand. He sat alone and was reportedly only muttering on and on about how a bear stole his dreams.
According to bar owner Jolly Roger, Captain Blackeye had been coming there every night for years, always drinking alone and telling the same story of the bear. Perhaps even more shocking was that Captain Blackeye, once known as an excellent fighter capable of defeating even the toughest Mushroom sailor, didn't even put up a fight. It's also been reported that Captain Blackeye, who was famous for sailing in even the choppiest of waters, got seasick on the comparably mild trip back to the Mushroom Kingdom!
Navy officials were stumped as to how the once fearsome and proud Captain Blackeye ended up as a disheveled drunk abandoned by his once-loyal crew. Attempts to interrogate the captain revealed only that he was indeed Captain Blackeye; outside of that, the captain only muttered that his dreams were stolen by a bear. Whatever that means, it appears that the loss of these dreams has almost sucked the life out of Captain Blackeye, rendering him little more than a husk. Because of this, his court-appointed lawyer argued for leniency, claiming their client was clearly not in the right state of mind to stand trial. While the prosecution argued (somewhat halfheartedly in this reporter's opinion) that regardless of whether or not Captain Blackeye was a husk of a man, he still needed to stand trial for his crimes. After a two-day recess to review the arguments, the judge ruled that Captain Blackeye was simply too pathetic to stand trial and that he saw no point to subject the court to what would inevitably be an extremely sad and pitiful trial. He further noted that he didn't wish to force court observers to have to look at a pathetic and broken old man day after day for what would surely be a lengthy trial. While the court ruled that Captain Blackeye was currently too much of a sad sack to stand trial, the judge's orders continued to surprise, as he noted that prosecutors would be able to prosecute him if Captain Blackeye ever became a man again.
Triple A Trouble
BREAKING NEWS
We interrupt this program with a breaking news report! I'm the Mushroom Kingdom's one and only news anchor, Tattle Toad, and I've got a very unexpected turn of events to inform you about. The fireworks show meant for the Kingdom's anniversary has been sabotaged with some sleepy side effects! Clara T. is already at our beloved Princess's Castle, ready to share more information with a protective gas mask of course!
Thanks Tattle Toad. After the Awards were given out to their qualified citizens, the fireworks show proved disastrous. It appears that the "fireworks" used were not the exact same ones approved by the Fireworks Committee. Despite looking nearly the same identically on the outside, they're missing the official Toad Safety Seal, meaning that someone has changed them when no one was looking. I wear this gas mask because these faulty fireworks supposedly left behind purple smoke that instantly put those who smell it to sleep. It's unknown how long it will stick around, however.
Normally this is the part where we'd show footage of the interviewees discussing the situation, but everyone here is fast asleep. They were sleep-talking however, although most of what they had to say was random:
Happy... party... I want cake...
I won an award... yay...
What a delightful... Ant Trooper...
One victim was a member of the Fireworks Committee, and he looks to be having a nightmare instead of sweet dreams like everyone else, which is how we got our evidence for this terrible trick:
Ugh... couldn't warn them... too late... fireworks... aren't official... eek...
Fortunately I also found a piece of paper serving as evidence. It turns out the Triple A Gang, the three behind the infamous Mushroom Kingdom Bank heist were the masterminds behind this scheme as well. Tattle Toad's got the picture all ready to go, so back to you! Wow, that was short.
Thank you, Clara T. It's a shame that the festivities ended immaturely, but no matter! We've been told that once all that smoke goes away, there'll be an after party to make up for the shortened time. There will be absolutely NO fireworks in this one! Heh... anyways, here's that evidence image Clara mentioned:
Look at that! The entire plan is right here. How did an Armad carry away all of the real fireworks anyway, and where did he put them? If there is one good thing to come out of all this, it's that we get more viewers for the Msuhroom Kingdom News! Thank you for watching, and we now return to your regularly scheduled programming. I wanna attend this after party. Hopefully the cake's still good...
(Back at their lair, the Triple A Gang watch the news report live)
Biker Annie: Oh dear! We gave someone a nightmare...
Rough n' Tough: Consider it a bonus Annie! Our plan was already spectacular.
The Kingfin: BLBLBLBLBLBLB!
Biker Annie: Um, so what do we do with the real fireworks you stole?
Rough n' Tough: Eh, I'll hold onto them for now. Don't want to set 'em off and reveal our secret hideout.
Biker Annie: At least the Toads still have their awards and cake. I loved partying with them!
Rough n' Tough: We had to leave your helmet by your motorcycle to not let anyone know we were here - - OH NO!! We forgot to steal the awards! We were in such a hurry to get it that we didn't fully enact the scheme.
The Kingfin: Blblblblblb...
Biker Annie: Cheer up you two! We still had a blast.
Rough n' Tough: You're right. I'm so glad we have a caring member like you with us, Annie!
Biker Annie: Aw, you're making me blush! I'll go make us a victory cake! It's gonna be delicious...
Written by: Letter Kong (talk)
Salutations, my dear children of the jungle. It is your fatherly figure, Letter Kong here once more to bring you the latest Diddy Kong related news in celebration of our year long Diddy Kong Redemption movement, in which we dedicate the year 2026 to seeking justice for our scorned spidermonkey after he was laid off from his position as Donkey Kong's sidekick and demoted to minigame hosting duty in Donkey Kong Bananza. In today's entry in our Diddy Kong Redemption lineup, if my sources served me correctly, a tomb coated in greenery themed after our dear Didrick has been discovered deep within the tropical jungles the Kong Clan happens to hail from. In a departure from my usual journalistic routine, I shall be heading out to visit this tomb, appropriately named Didrick Temple, and do a live coverage of all there is to see and do around the area, as well as any accommodations and shops that happen to operate out there. Wish me luck, young jungle cubs!
Well, the first thing that I happened to come across upon arriving at Didrick Temple was a bipedal elephant clad in golden armor, wielding a matching golden sword guarding the entrance to the area. He revealed to me his name was Ike, and that he, along with his brother Phory, was in charge of keeping the area around Didrick Temple safe from evildoers who wished to wreak havoc upon it. As a means of deeming me worthy of entering the area, he required me to show my documentation and pay a sum of 25 Banana Coins. Finding that to be a reasonable way of being allowed entrance into the area, I complied with Mr. Ike's demands and was admitted inside shortly afterward.
About a couple of kilometers inward from the entrance to the area, I came across a village full of huts made out of straw and twigs, which served as the accommodations for visitors from the outside world to stay in while they vacation to Didrick Temple. Each individual hut can house up to four people at a time, and it costs 25 Banana Coins a night to stay at one of them. While the lack of plumbing and electricity can prove to be a problem, if you wish to experience the full uncharted jungle authenticity, you cannot go wrong out here. Besides, the kind souls running the accommodations establishment have more than made up for the lack of plumbing by installing a pond specifically designed for guests to bathe in for the duration of their stay in the village. Plus, the 100% pure aloe shampoo provided by management is a real cherry on top of the whole experience if you value all natural products.
So after getting checked in to this accommodation and getting a taste of this rather pleasant all natural bathing experience, I took to the temple itself, which was being guarded by Mr. Phory, the younger brother of Mr. Ike whom I had the pleasure of meeting earlier. He informed me that the temple is off-limits to those wishing to roam around and explore the interior freely, due to the dangers that the inside of the temple poses, though people are allowed entrance by going on one of the Didrick Temple Tours that Mr. Phory and his brother just so happen to offer to visiting tourists at the low, low price of 10 Banana Coins a person. I decided to take the plunge and paid up, after which Mr. Phory sent me on my way with his reliable parrot companion, Bastian, as my tour guide. Mr. Bastian was a surprisingly knowledgeable bird as far as the history behind Didrick Temple is concerned, and his lectures were just the right length to prevent you from mentally drifting off. He was also surprisingly adept at wielding a firearm against the hostile beings that happened to dwell in the corridors of the temple, so Mr. Phory definitely knew what he was doing when he assigned Mr. Bastian to the position of tour guide.
Once I've completed the Didrick Temple Tour, I went to check out anything else that the area might have to offer, which was when I stumbled upon a gift shop called Shannon's Souvenirs, which was being operated by an anthropomorphic pink-scaled gecko named Shannon. She revealed herself to be an old college friend of Mr. Ike and Mr. Phory, who asked her to assist them in running the vacation resort out here at Didrick Temple, and she agreed to do so by operating this gift shop. With the formalities out of the way, she allowed me to browse through the knickknacks that the store had to offer. It was all pretty straightforward Diddy Kong-themed merchandise, from clothing items such as hats and T-shirts ranging in price from 8 Banana Coins to 36 Banana Coins, to your run of the mill souvenirs like mugs, stuffed animal dolls and beverage coasters ranging in price from 40 Banana Coins to 85 Banana Coins, which I find a bit expensive given these are ordinary souvenirs, but I suppose that someone will always be insane enough to purchase them regardless, which I have the assumption the management of the resort was trying to cater towards with such price ranges. All in all, a neat little gift shop in spite of the, in my honest opinion, unreasonable price range between the various wares it has to offer.
My last stop here at Didrick Temple was the appropriately named Didrick Temple Lanes, which was an outdoor bowling alley being operated by Mrs. Shannon's younger sister, Leslie, an anthropomorphic scarlet red-scaled gecko. She was roped into working at the resort by her older sister, with Mrs. Leslie agreeing to do so since she had nothing better to do with her time, which is a fair reason to come into employment for a handful of people. But I digress, for about 30 Banana Coins, you get to use one of the eight available bowling lanes for the duration of about an hour, with various fruit mocktails and snack bowls included in the arrangement. A fair price, with plenty of playing time and a small meal with a drink added in for your money. Very satisfactory, if you ask me.
Well, in conclusion, Didrick Temple is a surprisingly pleasant vacation resort built around an uncharted jungle tomb modeled after our beloved spidermonkey. So if you wish to experience life in the jungle as Diddy Kong himself makes it, then I wholeheartedly recommend you travel down to Didrick Temple and book yourselves a stay at the resort that a team of passionate volunteers have set up. Support both Diddy Kong and these passionate volunteers alike in doing so! And with that, we've come to the end of this August entry to our Diddy Kong Redemption lineup of guest sections, my children of the jungle. I hope to see you return again for next month's lineup, for we'll have more Diddy Kong-thematic journalism to cover by then.
Digital News
Written by: DemiMeramon (talk)
Digital News - a digital version of Shell Newspaper covering all the major stories in File City and beyond! The following opinion piece represents the author's views, which are not necessarily endorsed or shared by this publication.
Mt. Infinity Must be Closed to Keep City Safe
File City, the beacon of the Digital World, is under threat. This threat comes not from any Digimon of the outer regions or even the human hackers who once plagued this island. Instead, this threat is closer to home in our beautiful city's own backyard. I'm talking, of course, about the twisted Mt. Infinity. Once unknown and hidden behind a waterfall, the entrance was uncovered after an attack from the brainwashed Airdramon, who now lives in the city as the city's premier fortune teller. Upon Airdramon's defeat, the waterfall suddenly cleared up, revealing a strange doorway with chaotic energy being transmitted from inside it.
The first person to enter Mt. Infinity was Mameo accompanied by his MetalMamemon, who together discovered that Mt. Infinity was an almost broken area full of unfinished code and strange Digimon such as Rockmon. Worst of all, they discovered Mt. Infinity was serving as the home base of the dreaded Analogman! Nobody is quite sure of the origins of Mt. Infinity. Even Factorial Town manager Andromon has reported finding no data on the origin of Mt. Infinity. Some have speculated that it was once a true mountain corrupted by Analogman's hacking. Others have argued it was created out of whole cloth by Analogman to act as his base, serving almost as a loading area between the human world and the Digitalverse.
Regardless of its origins, Mt. Infinity represents a great danger to this city. After the defeat of Analogman, travel inside Mt. Infinity has been severely restricted. The layout of Mt. Infinity is said to be confusing, with every room consisting of the same green-and-black blocks broken up only by odd warp zones. Attempts to map out Mt. Infinity have been hindered by difficulty of differentiating the seemingly-endless rooms. The Digimon inside of there are reportedly strange, constantly glitching and speaking in either a broken version of our language or in some cases simply in 1s and 0s. Speculation out of Factorial Town is that, without Analogman supporting the code, the code itself is starting to degrade. Attempts to rescue the Digimon inside of Mt. Infinity since Analogman's defeat have been so far mostly unsuccessful. Even after being knocked out, the Digimon inside Mt. Infinity react with great anger when pulled near the entrance, lashing out as if they don't wish to leave.
Once thought to be isolated, Mt. Infinity, or at least its code, has started to manifest itself in other places. The lord of Grey Lord's Mansion, Myotismon, discovered not only that Rockmon had leaked into his manor, but that an almost abbreviated version of the Mt. Infinity warp had appeared in his basement. Upon exploring the abbreviated dimension, Myotismon came face-to-face with what he thought was Analogman and his Machinedramon, but upon being defeated, the Machinedramon morphed into one of Myotismon's loyal Soulmon servants, who upon being rescued had neither the memory of being turned into the Machinedramon or of any of its experiences in the dimension!
Because of this and the strange nature of Mt. Infinity in general, it's clear that Mt. Infinity's existence is extremely dangerous. The mountain itself is unnatural, appearing to be a never-ending series of identical-looking rooms connected only loosely by strange warps. That would be bad enough with the danger of Digimon getting lost in there, but it's clear that we have no idea what the long-term ramifications of Mt. Infinity's existence may be. It's obvious that there's some sort of negative force in there that messes with the memory of Digimon. The only Digimon who has been rescued from there while retaining his memory is the extremely powerful Megadramon, and even he can't explain how he got in there, only knowing that once he was there he couldn't bring himself to leave until being defeated by Mameo and MetalMamemon reactivated his pride and he became determined to overcome them. But every other Digimon who has been rescued has experienced major memory loss, or, in the case of Digitamamon, who was discovered by Mameo and Angemon during Mameo's second excursion in the mountain, are almost completely incapable of communicating outside the mountain.
It's clear there's a dangerous force inside Mt. Infinity that we just do not understand, and now it appears to be seeping out into the wider Digitalverse for reasons we can't explain. Perhaps the excursions inside of there by Mameo and the Factorial Town team are causing the code to degrade even faster? We should not be trying to understand it; we should be trying to contain and destroy it. The Factorial Town team should be asking former Net Keeper Giromon to get out of the jukebox business and instead return to help discover a way to destroy Mt. Infinity's data. Until then, we should ask Drimogemon and Gabumon to find the biggest rock they can find and block the entrance to Mt. Infinity. Then, for good measure, we should blow the connecting bridge up as well to make sure nobody goes near it! It's clear that these are forces we do not understand. Whether Mt. Infinity was created by or infected by Analogman, we must contain whatever malice clearly stains the area until we figure out the means to destroy it, not only for the good of File City, but for the good of the whole island!
A Shell in the Spotlight
Hey everybody, it's time for issue #2 of A Shell in the Spotlight, your go-to section for all things Koopa Troopa! Today we'll be looking at a real classic Koopa, give a round of applause for Koopa the Quick!
Koopa the Quick
At first glance one may think that Koopa the Quick isn't anything too special. After all, he doesn't look different to any other green-shelled Koopa (besides his impressive height) but Koopa the Quick is actually one of the most influential Koopa Troopa celebrities of all time. It is because of him that we have the world famous Roving Racers. For those unaware, Koopa the Quick is a Koopa known for his incredible speed and racing talent. He resides on Tiny-Huge Island, which is probably why he is so tall, but he travels frequently in search of new people to race!
One of the things this speedy Koopa is known for is his many rivals, rumour has it that in his earlier days his most intense racing rival was some guy wearing a red cap and overalls? Apparently nobody knows who actually won that rivalry... some people say that the guy in overalls swept the race, others say that Koopa the Quick made him eat his dust. Personally I think the idea of THE Koopa the Quick losing to somebody like that is ridiculous! From there this Koopa has only made his name further known, after all he practically invented the whole sport of Koopa Freerunning. As I said before, Koopa the Quick has inspired many other motivated racers, the example I gave was the Roving Racers who are a group of Koopa Freerunners who travel the globe (and beyond!) for the love of the sport. Another example, this time of a non-Koopa, is Il Piantissimo of Isle Delfino (and yes, despite being named Koopa Freerunning other species are allowed to partake).
Being a prolific individual in the racing world, over the years Koopa the Quick has been sponsored by many brands, including but not limited to Koopa Mach 1 Sprint shoes and Supa Koopa Sprint sneakers, world famous brands!
Now I have a surprise for you Koopa lovers at home, I have reached out and managed to score an interview with Koopa the Quick himself, so without further ado I present our conversation to you!
Interviewing Koopa the Quick
Me: It's an honour to get to speak to you today!
Koopa the Quick: My pleasure, I didn't know I still had so many fans.
Me: My first question for you, what do you think of those that were inspired by your racing career?
Koopa the Quick: I'm glad I had the opportunity to make such a big impact on the racing world. This whole thing was always a hobby I was super passionate about, so when I see folks like the Roving Racers who have made their own lives out of travelling and racing I can't help but smile!
Me: How did you originally get into racing?
Koopa the Quick: I was racing ever since I was a little hatchling, it always came naturally to me so I just... ran! I was always the fastest, and even though people had caught wind of me they could never actually catch me!
Me: Your name "Koopa the Quick", what is the origin behind that?
Koopa the Quick: Of course it's not actually my real name, it's a nickname that my parents gave me. I always liked it more than my actual name so it stuck!
Me: One last question... is it true you actually had a rivalry with a man in overalls and did you beat them?!
Koopa the Quick: No comment.
That concluded my interview with the speedster himself! A massive thank you to Koopa the Quick for allowing me to interview him.
His impact and conclusion
As we have said many-a-times now, the racing scene would simply not be the same without him. Something that I didn't even mention earlier is that some of those who were inspired by Koopa the Quick actually went into Kart Racing too, so his influence can even be seen there.
Maybe one day we will get to see Koopa the Quick make a return to racing, I sure hope so because if you have never had the pleasure of seeing him run in-person, you're missing out!
Thank you all for reading this month's issue, come back next month for more stories about famous Troopas!
Diggin' Up Dirt
Written by: Spooks Booley (talk)
Super Mariover
Hey. It's your guy here, Spooks Booley. I got some big news today, and yeah, yeah, I know, this is gonna come as a real shock hot off the heels of the 20th Mario Awards that just happened. What I'm gonna tell you is gonna rock your world and shred your socks, or somethin' like that. You ready for this? Alright. I have irrefutable proof that Mario games are done. They're finished. Nintendo's not makin' any more. You're probably thinkin', Booley, that's crazy, the Big N isn't gonna give up their cash cow! Well the evidence I got is IRONCLAD! So sit down, shut up, and read what I got to say, then you'll come to the correct conclusion which just so happens to be the same as mine.
Proof number one: That tennis game that came out a while ago where everyone's got a fever, or something? I dunno. Didn't play it. Take some cold medicine. You know when this game came out? February! That's like a whole year ago at this point! They haven't put out any Mario games since then, and they haven't announced any new ones! Now maybe you're gonna say, BUT BOOLEY, what about Super Mario Bros. Wonder - Some Really Stupid Long Name I Can't Be Bothered To Remember Or Look Up + Just Fire Whoever Came Up With This Naming Scheme Even If It's Miyamoto Himself? Doesn't count! That's not a new game, it's an old game with a few extra bells and whistles you gotta shell out more coin for! Or maybe you'll say, BUT BOOLEY, what about that Yoshi game with the book? And, like... do I even need to respond to that one? Is Yoshi Mario? No, he's not, he's Yoshi. Allegedly. But obviously that ain't a Mario game.
So where's the Mario games, huh? Obviously this whole tennis thing was a major flop and they decided to cut their losses and stop makin' any new Mario games. It hasn't even sold a million copies yet! How pathetic can you get? Mario Kart World came out less than a year before this game and it's sold 15 million copies! That's a decline of, uhh, like 100%, basically! There's no profit for Mario anymore. So why the sudden fall of a cliff? Obviously, it's because makin' a new Mario Tennis game was a stupid idea. Everyone knows there's been a massive worldwide decline in the popularity of tennis lately, so no one wanted to play this game. I could give you sources for that but I'm tryin' to keep the pace of this snappy, and I really feel like givin' sources interrupts that pace and just drags it on while sayin' pretty much nothin' about the actual topic, so I'm not gonna do that. You can look it up for yourself if you want. But if you don't find any sources it's 'cause Big Tennis is tryin' to bury 'em so people will keep buyin' tennis rackets and balls and such.
If you need more proof than that, here's proof number two: The Super Mario Galaxy Movie! This came out after that tennis game, but movies take longer to make than games. Also, movies aren't games, so it doesn't disprove my point. Anyway, this made a ton of money, like crazy amounts of money, but it had a lot of bad reviews! Everyone knows reviews are more important than money, 'cause if you make a movie and everyone hates it, next time you get together with your movie industry buddies they're gonna point at you and laugh, and that's a real embarrassment. So maybe you made a ton of money but now you just gotta wipe your tears with a solid gold handkerchief. So that's another reason why they're gettin' rid of Mario, they just don't wanna think about it anymore. Give it a year and ol' Star Fox is gonna be Nintendo's new mascot.
But maybe you're still skeptical 'cause you believe everything they tell you and they say those reasons actually don't make any sense. Lemme tell you, first of all, you gotta start thinkin' critically and then listen to and accept everything I say without question, you got it? That's the only way you can truly think for yourself. Anyway, here's proof number three! That whole thing they got goin' right now in Donkey Kong's new game that's a crossover with Mario? It reeks of desperation! They know a Mario game ain't gonna sell anymore, but they know that people still remember Mario, so they're just tossin' him in other games to cut their losses. And he's not even in it, DK's just wearin' his clothes. You probably didn't think they wore the same size, but I got another theory about that too. But it's off-topic again. I got quality standards, and journalistic integrity, and stuff. Timeson says I don't and that I just make stuff up, and I'm sloppy 'cause I just dictate these articles into a microphone instead of typin' 'em, but y'know what, he's probably one of them so his opinion sucks. But think about it, if they were gonna make more Mario games, they would've done it instead of doin' this crossover thing!
Proof number FOUR! Yeah, I'm overwhelmin' you with mountains of evidence to show I know exactly what I'm talkin' about. Mario Kart Tour, they're shuttin' it down next month! They're not just decidin' to stop makin' new Mario games, they're killin' games that already exist! Can't even be bothered to make an uninternetted version like they did with that one Animal Crossin' game. It's like I've been sayin' this whole time, Mario doesn't make enough money anymore. Even in a game with only microtransactions, can't even make micromoney! That's just sad, man.
So yeah. No more Mario. Sorry to burst your bubble, but it'll give you time to switch over to Metroid, or Pikmin, or something like that. Or y'know, F-Zero, just pick something that's gonna get a new game! Anyway, stay sharp out there.
Written by: Legend 8
The Sorcery Show
Episode 30: Sweet Tooth
It is a beautiful summer morning in the Mushroom Kingdom, and in the dark, twisted castle on the outskirts of New Wikisburg, there is... nobody? Yes, indeed - for our heroes, the antilogician Pyrokles and his companions Kroop and the Explainer, are currently on a trip somewhere in the mountains, travelling along a hiking path below the merciless sun. Pyro is apparently not happy.
Pyro: *Grumble*
Kroop: Pyro, come on, we've only just started hiking!
Pyro: Yes, I know! I hate hiking trips.
But you don't even have to walk, you can just float. So what is it then?
Pyro: Nothing! And that's the problem! I'm so bored... And it's also too sunny, and too windy, and too mountainy. I hate hiking.
Kroop: I think it's pretty nice, actually.
Pyro: Urghhhh... Why the heck are we even on this trip??
*Sigh* Let me explain. Perhaps you might remember that last Saturday, during your tea meeting, you made a bet with your antilogical colleague Oomba - a frankly idiotic one! Which is why we're now-
Kroop: Gahh, we've had that talk like a billion times already! I still think we should just enjoy the view instead of searching for some stupid made-up "Ice Cream Wiggler" that probably doesn't even exist. Especially when Pyro keeps grumbling even though we're here because of him!
Pyro: Come on, that was just a rhetorical question! Of course I know why we're here - which is why, now that you're done with the plot exposition, we should get going again right now!
Kroop: What? Didn't you absolutely despise hiking just a moment ago?
Pyro: Yup, but that was a moment ago. I just remembered that I cannot afford to lose this bet, so hurry!
Huh. Well, I guess it is better than his constant whining earlier...
Kroop: Yeah. But one last question, Pyro: what were you actually thinking when you made that bet?
Pyro: Hey, if I turn out to be wrong, you can't hold me responsible for it! I was, like, totally drunk!
Kroop: What are you talking about? Pyro, all you were drinking was TEA!!
Pyro: Well, yes, but it was a very exquisite-
Kroop: Yes, yes, of course it was. But seriously?
Pyro: Well, I just think it's perfectly reasonable to assume that Ice Cream Wigglers do, in fact, exist - after all there's Snow Pokeys and such!
Maybe you should've looked it up on the Wiki first to be sure - not a single mention.
Kroop: Wiki? What Wiki do you mean?
Pyro: Forget it, that's just meta stuff that we probably shouldn't be talking about. But still, I don't know what your problem is. Were you really expecting ME to act responsibly?
Kroop: *Sigh* Not really, no. Just hoping.
They carry on walking through the mountains. After some time, the ground below them becomes softer, covered in a thick, powdery layer of white. A peculiar sweet smell hovers in the fresh air.
Kroop: Wait, is that snow? Already?
Pyro: At this altitude? Of course not, that's powdered sugar!
Kroop: ...okay, and what is it really?
No, Kroop, I believe Pyro is actually right for once.
Kroop: Yeah, right. And the ground below us is made of cake, or what?
Precisely! It seems like we are nearing our destination: Sweet Sweet Canyon!
Kroop: Waiiit a second. That's a real place? Made of actual edible sweets?? I always thought that was just a fun deco theme for that one race track!
Nope, all real natural cake formations, MUCH older than the karts! And fully edible, technically. Although in practice it might taste a little bit stale.
Pyro: Hey, Kroop, if I were to drop you into the sugar right now, do you think you'd be wrapped in caramel like a mosquito in amber? Heehehee!
Kroop: Hey! Don't you even dare try that!
Pyro: Ooh, and if you bite me before you get trapped, then in a few million years scientists will find you and use you to revive me! And then there'll be two of me!
Pyro, we've discussed this before! An independent clone of you would be a TERRIBLE idea.
Kroop: Also, I've spent quite some time as a fossil before, and I'm not gonna risk it a second time!
Yes, that too! Also... I think it doesn't really work that way.
Pyro: But it might!
Kroop: No it doesn't.
Pyro: Yes it does!
Fortunately not.
Pyro: Unfortunately- wait, uh, what was I saying?
You were attempting to reverse our every statement in order to annoy us with some of your infamous yes-no banter.
Pyro: Oh, right, thanks. So... Yes!
Kroop: No!
Pyro: Yes!
No!
Pyro: Yes!
Both: NO!
Pyro: Oookay, fine. You're no fun. *Grumble*
Kroop: Hey, stop grumbling! It looks like we're finally there!
Indeed, the view of giant cake mountains and soda rivers indicates that we have reached our target destination! If there's anywhere we can find your stupid Wiggler, it's here.
Pyro: Mmmh, that looks delicious... uh, excuse me, what were you saying?
A few hours later, the sugary valley is thoroughly explored - with no success whatsoever, save for an occasional snack or two (massive understatement).
Pyro: Aw man! We've been floating around in circles for hours now, and there's still no trace of the damn creature! I'm getting bor- oooh, a donut!
Kroop: Hey, we didn't come here to eat!
Pyro: You're... mmhh... you're just jealous cause you can't taste food anymore.
Kroop: ...well, maybe, but come on! This is your bet! As far as I'm concerned, we could just give up now.
Pyro: What?! Never! I'm not gonna miss out on an opportunity like this! Let's go!
Uh, what even was the wager, anyway?
Pyro: No time to answer, we gotta keep looking!
Fine, fine, just relax a little... And stop eating all the time!
They continue searching. After a while, they come across a cave in the mountainside with a huge donut for an entrance.
Pyro: Hey, this looks cool! Let's have a look in there!
Kroop: You sure? Wigglers aren't really known to be cave creatures...
...Aaaand he's already gone. Do we follow him?
Kroop: *Sigh* Of course we do.
They all enter, and Pyro summons a small flame in his hand to illuminate the cave. Large stalactites of sugary frosting grow from the low ceiling, and drops of soda hit the ground in irregular intervals, creating an eerie fizzly drip-drop echo.
Pyro: What an atmosphere! Hey, Explainer, do you think there's fruit bats in here?
I suppose you mean imaginary bat-winged flying fruit, and not the real animal? Then I think not, no.
Pyro: Aww. That would've been so funny!
Kroop: Not really... just imagine a giant watermelon, swooping out from the depths of a dark cave directly into your face! Terrifying!
Pyro: Oh, that sounds... yeah! Kroop, you're a genius!
Kroop: Wait, no, that's not what I-
Pyro: And I just remembered that I am capable of warping reality itself, so this should be easy, haha!
Kroop: No, please-
Pyro raises his arms, and suddenly, a huge swarm of fruit with bat wings appears from thin air and starts to circle him while he laughs manically. The Explainer dematerializes as a flying banana barely misses Kroop's skull.
Kroop: Why, Pyro, why? Even when we're on a quest because of you, you still-
Kroop, look out! Pineapple incoming!
Kroop: Whoa, that was close. Anyways-
Quick, dodge! It's a coconut barrage!
Kroop: Gah! Are these even fruit??
Well, scientifically speaking- huh. What's that?
Kroop: What?
There's some kind of rumbling. It's coming from- Pyro!! Above you! Out of the way!!!
The Explainer quickly reappears, pulling Pyro away at the last moment as a wall of chocolate with a frowning face crashes into the ground beside him, squashing some of the fruit bats into a smoothie.
Pyro: ...mwahahaha- huh? What's up?
Kroop: What the- Is that a Thwomp??
In fact, I would even be so bold to assume that this was only the first... Look up! The entire cave is full of them, and we appear to have woken them up!
Pyro: Oops.
Kroop: Well, damn. Time to put our most reliable plan into action!
Pyro: Fireballs?
Kroop: No, Pyro!! It's called: RUN.
They run to escape the cave as the cream-filled chocolate-coated waffle Thwomps start stomping down upon them from the ceiling. Suddenly, they run into a dead end, about to meet their sugary doom - but Pyro opens a portal and they all jump through in desperation. They reemerge in bright sunlight, apparently somewhere outside the cave.
Whoa, that was close. But where exactly did you take us?
Pyro: I dunno, somewhere, probably?
Kroop: Pyro, you almost got us all killed! What was that for?!
Pyro: Hey, the Thwomps weren't my fault! Although they could have just as well been an idea of mine... they looked delicious!
True, they resembled a chocolatey snack more than a crushing cuboid of rock! Never seen any like these before. Who knows, perhaps the idea of an Ice Cream Wiggler isn't so far-fetched after all!
Pyro: Huh? What does this have to do with a leek-wielding duck?
Kroop: I don't think I got that reference, but there's more important things right now. Look over there, between those two cakes! That looks like an entire glacier of ice cream...
Pyro: You're right! Let's go there! I'm already feeling kind of tingly - that must mean that success is near, right? Let me just finish this piece of chocolate real quick and we're ready to go!
Kroop: If you ask me, this is starting to get slightly unhealthy, Pyro...
Pyro: Nah, I'll be fine. Ready to teleport over?
Pyro creates another portal and in the blink of an eye, the trio have reached the ice cream glacier on the far side of the valley. They are now standing in the middle of a vast frozen area of various flavors.
Pyro: Oooh, yeah, the tingling is growing! I can already taste the sweetness of my victory!
Well, we haven't actually found it yet...
Pyro: Then find it! That's what we're here for after all!
All of a sudden, a bolt of crackling pastel energy emits from Pyro and blasts into a nearby strawberry slope, frosting its impact area with crystallized sugar!
Pyro: Huh. I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for that. Anyways, we gotta get past these mounds of ice cream somehow. And I also want to taste them. Good thing I have a spell ready for both, hehe!
Kroop: Hey, wait a second, what even was that right now?
Ignoring Kroop, Pyro inhales and exhales deeply a few times, and then turns his head towards a hill of vanilla with his mouth wide open. Like a vaccuum, he starts sucking up everything edible in his path, clearing the area so they can search more effectively.
Pyro: Haha, it's working! Sluuuuuurrrrpppppp!!
Are you sure that's a good idea?
Pyro: Absolutely! Why wouldn't it? The tingling is getting stronger, so we must be very close! Besides, this glacier tastes great! Sluuuuuurrrrpppppp!!
Another sugary bolt arcs from Pyro's body to a nearby mound, but closely followed by a second, this time - and a third! Kroop and the Explainer watch, concerned, as Pyro very efficiently searches a chocolate-flavoured snowdrift by simply inhaling it, unaware of the energy surging around him.
Ohhh, no! Looks like he has a little bit of a sugar overdose.
Kroop: A little bit?? If he inhales the rest of this glacier, this is gonna become a disaster! Exponentially growing hyperactivity and uncontrollable energy - how are we supposed to stop that!?
Well, I've got an idea... but you probably won't like it.
Pyro: Sluuuuuurrrrpppppp!! Sluuuuuurrrrpppppp!!
While Pyro darts across the glacier sucking up tons of ice cream and losing control more and more, Kroop and the Explainer retreat to one of the nearby cake mountains.
Roll yourself in the sugar, Kroop. Now!
Kroop: What!? But... O-Okay. I'll do it.
Kroop drops himself onto the ground and rolls in the powdered sugar, which crystallizes into a hard cocoon of caramel around his flaming skull, trapping him in place. Meanwhile, Pyro is still slurping up the glacier in search of the fabled creature, accidentally launching more and more raw sugar energy into every direction.
Oh no, the glacier's weakened already - if we don't get Pyro out of there soon, it'll collapse!
The Explainer grabs the caramel-encased skull and makes his way towards Pyro, barely evading some of the overloaded bolts flying around everywhere. Beneath him, cracks are starting to appear in the glacier, and it begins to crumble. The Explainer reaches the range of the vaccuum spell, and he lets Kroop go.
Pyro: Sluuuuuurrrrpppppp!! Sluuuuuurrrrpppppp!!
Pulled in towards the Magikoopa's ravenous mouth by the spell, the caramel chunk soars through the air like a stone from a catapult - and wedges itself firmly between Pyro's jaws! The suction spell is interrupted and the wild surges of energy slowly begin to cease.
Pyro: Ack! Whuh juhst habbend?
However, it is not over just yet. As Pyro's sugar rush fades, the glacier beneath him finally collapses in an avalance of mixed flavours! He stumbles downhill, caught in the rumbling mass of ice cream. But for the second time this day, the Explainer intervenes, pulling him out of harm's way as the glacier crashes down into the valley. They have succeeded.
A short while later, our three heroes are sitting together at the nearby mountainside, recovering from the recent events. They had survived without a scratch, and Kroop had been freed from his caramel shell a few minutes earlier - now they are reunited. However, their mission is not yet accomplished...
Pyro: Aww, it's a real pity about the glacier! How do we find an Ice Cream Wiggler now??
Kroop: No idea. I'm just glad that worked and you didn't swallow me or something.
Hmmm. Remember the fruit bats? Why don't you just SUMMON one?
Pyro: Oh, yeah, right! I could do that!
Kroop: What?! All of this, only for such a simple solution to appear? It's just like that time when we attempted castle tax fraud, all over again!
Pyro: Well that's because that is how a story works! If I had done that from the start, there would have been no fun whatsoever! Get it?
Kroop: No, not really.
But tell me, now that you're about to win your bet: what was it even about?
Pyro: Well, we offered each other some of our favourite spells! If I win now, then Oomba has to show me her secret spell formula that she always uses to summon these rubber duckies - what a masterpiece of spellcraft, it's been missing in my repertoire for way too long!!
Kroop: ...ah, okayyy? Doesn't seem so useful to me?
Pyro: Excuse me?? They make funny noises when you squeeze them! How is that not useful!?
The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
Neo Bowser City: A Helpful Guide For Survival
Sigh…Did I really just type sigh? Sigh…It's me, Bar D. Jokue. You may have noticed that I am a little, well, tired. There is a very good reason for that, as I have been working tirelessly on a plan, a plan to topple a certain newspaper! I was hoping I could have completed it by this month, but alas, I think I took too much cold medicine and some awards ceremony got in the way. It was the same thing as every year, I wasn't nominated and Luigi won. I guess you could say it was………………..Same as it ever was (eh wink wink nudge nudge do you like my intentional drawing of parallels to previous events???)
Anyway, after inhaling so much mold I figured I needed to get far, far away. So I booked a ticket on a rocketship and headed up to the one place that hasn't been corrupted by capitalism space! However, my rocket got hijacked by whimsical yet evil rocket thieves and instead of being taken to the Comet Observatory, I was stranded in a strange, futuristic city.
After asking the seventh mugger where I was, I found out this wretched hive of scum and villainy was called Mos Eisley Neo Bowser City, a space colony where the toughest, strongest, scoundrelist and all around badiest of Bowser's subjects lived. It was a town where the powerful exploited the weak, where every dark alley was hiding a cutthroat thief and no "wannabe villain creampuff dumb stupid idiot like you" lasted five minutes. I knew this was an exaggeration, however, as I had already lasted six minutes.
I decided, as long as I'm stranded here, I might as well make my predicament useful. Below, you shall find another excellent travel guide, perfect for if you also get stranded in Neo Bowser City! It has (no) useful advice, (no) useful map that has a poster on the other side and (no) funny jokes! Enjoy!
How To Survive In Neo Bowser City (For legal reasons this is still a travel guide)
Neo Bowser City seems to constantly be trapped in a cycle of endless rain. I asked around about this, and apparently the scientific reason is due to the planet's unique climate, and the "real" reason is because all the giant Lakitus who live in the sky hate the city and cry whenever they see it. Yeah…clearly the locals are stupid if I think it's always raining because of some "unique climate", it's gotta be the Lakitus.
Anyway, because of the intense weather and the crime ridden streets, your first order of business if you find yourself stranded in Neo Bowser City should be to find a safe spot you can bunker down. Don't worry, for I easily located the three best places to stay!
First off, the Bullet Bill Bed And Breakfast. This place is totally safe because they have so little business that they are desperate for any client at all. Though, it isn't well fortified…Which I learnt firsthand. Please don't ask.
The second place I found was the Neo Bowser City safety bunker. It's an old bunker that nobody really cares about, which makes it perfect to hide in. Plus, it is much more fortified…Which I also learnt firsthand. Look, I didn't know the tank belonged to someone already! And I didn't know that they also had more tanks. That they were willing to send after me.
Finally, the third spot is The Neo Bowser City Law Enforcement Hangout Spot. The police force in Neo Bowser City isn't very competent, which is to say completely and utterly useless, but most criminals aren't brash enough to try to go after you right in their vicinity. Most criminals, the ones with tanks don't care. You guessed it, I learnt that firsthand.
Anyway, once you've picked which place you'll use as your base of operations, you should next assemble a whimsical and wacky ragtag group of misfits each with distinct personality quirks! Bonus points if you model it off a heist crew. This is the part where I would introduce you to my beloved, loyal team, except everybody I tried to recruit was too intimidated by me and, on their panic, punched me in the face, stole my wallet, and threw me in a dumpster. Fortunately I found a really nice wallet store, so I never run out now!
Speaking of getting new things when people steal them, I highly recommend finding reliable places to get supplies! Whether you find a store, someone in an alley or just a well stocked dumpster, you're going to find the essentials. You know, food, water, first aid stuff, clothes, shelter, love…The essentials. I have been visiting Bargain Chuck's Everything Emporium myself, as the owner lets me put every purchase on my "tab", whatever that is. This totally won't backfire on me.
Anyway, once you've settled down and have got a relatively stable situation, you should start to plan a bit further ahead. First, make the fateful decision of whether you want to leave Neo Bowser City or not. I mean, unless you came by choice, you'll probably want to get the heck off the planet, but you gotta keep your options open. Of course, I decided I wanted to get the heck off the planet, so I needed to find a rocket. I tried booking a ticket on one of the spaceships, but I didn't have enough money and they wouldn't let me put it on my tab.
So your next, and hopefully final step of survival, should be finding a way to make some money. You have a lot of options here, so I'll just go over the most efficient ones I found. If you have loose morals, joining a crime gang is a fun, easy way to make a quick buck. You'll want to make sure the group you join aligns with your skills though, so you don't immediately get thrown off a building like me like I saw happen to some random but incredibly handsome person.
For example, if you pride yourself on hitting people mindlessly, join the Piranha Punchers. If you pride yourself on hitting people thoughtfully, join the Armad Assaulters instead. If you're a good hacker, I would recommend joining the Cyber Chain Chomps, but if you're more of a vault cracker, try the Thieving Thwomps. Of course, there is one gang standing above all the rest…The Bar D. Jokue Bad Jokes! Yes, I have started my own diabolical crime gang. It's so evil, no one has asked to join yet! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I'm very lonely!
If you aren't committed to committing crime, don't worry! After all, you could just participate in Neo Bowser City's most popular pastime, other than crime I suppose, karting! Yes, the popular sport from the Mushroom Kingdom spreads like a virus, and has arrived on a distant planet! Getting into karting is a big investment, but if it pays off, you could probably just stay in Neo Bowser City.
Obviously you'll need to BUY the kart first, but Bargain Chuck sells them, and you can put it on your tab. Once you've got one, it's off to the races! You'll probably have to start at street level, but with a little elbow grease, and a lot of knee grease, you could make it into the big leagues! I think? I crashed about seventeen times and now my kart looks more like a cart. You know, like a kart but with a c instead of a k cause it's like less powerful. Look, it was that or my kart looks more like a fart, what did you want me to do?
Anyway, hopefully this educational guide will teach you what to do if you end up in my specific situation! Obviously, since you guys aren't me and don't have my natural charisma, strength and scheming ability, you'll probably get wrecked. But maybe, just maybe, with the help of this guide, you could experience 1% of my power, you know?
Souvenirs
Ha! You thought I was done, didn't you! Well, you may have forgotten this is a travel guide, not a survival guide, and my contract says that I must include one section that is clearly themed travelling. So, souvenirs. Enjoy if you must.
| Robo-Shell | ||
|---|---|---|
|
An illegal item that is often used in the kart races in Neo Bowser City. You'll need a ton of these if you wanna win…Wait, this is the souvenir section, isn't it? Uh…The Robo-Shell has a cupholder…It can refrigerate drinks… | |
| PRICE: | 10 coins | |
| Rock Mushroom | ||
|---|---|---|
|
Another illegal item. This one transforms you (and your kart, somehow) into a boulder that can roll around super fast. It really hurts. To get hit by and to be. I hate it. | |
| PRICE: | Also 10 coins | |
Reviews
"This city sucks. Buy The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide instead. 0/10" - ProbablynotBarDJokue
"I second the other guy. 0/10" - ImprobablynotBarDJokue
"I have no idea for a review, sorry. 0/10" - 2Tired
Conclusion
Hey, it's Guy, sitting in a very empty, very quiet office. It's a bit sad around here without Mr. Jokue, but our profits have shot up for some reason. Wonder why. Anyway, remember to drop by the "forums" and send "feedback" or "suggestions" using the "thread", or just "contact" us "directly". Bleh, that was a mouthful. Okay, gotta start figuring out how to get Bar D. off that planet. Sigh...now I'm typing it. Okay, gonna go now.
| The 'Shroom: Issue 233 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
