The 'Shroom:Issue 232/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! What do you mean we're over halfway through July? What do you mean Awards will be over by the time the next issue comes out?? Someone get me the Temporal Committee's number, I have a complaint to register.
We have two new sections joining the roster this month! Sparks (talk) has brought back the rascally Triple A Gang in a new section titled Triple A Trouble, which will be following their trail of destruction with hard-hitting journalism and Toads, and Koopa (talk) returns to the team with A Shell in the Spotlight, a brand new section going over the history of some of the kingdom's most famous Koopas! In addition, we have a guest section in the form of more Diddy Kong-themed goodness from ClawgripFan9001 in Police Blotter! (Don't worry, the chimp hasn't taken to a life of crime.) In other news, Legend 8 is taking a break from his sections this month, but I'm told we can expect more antilogical hijinks soon!
If you'd like to join the team too, click here to visit our sign up page with everything you need to get started on your application! Alternatively, for a one-off section, you can contact me privately with no application required.
Section of the Month
Congratulations to Legend 8 and Boo1268 for another first place with the second half of their Sorcery Show collaboration! In second place we've got DryBonesBandit's (talk) look at the humble Hothead in Dry Dry Data, and in third, an ill-fated visit to Water Park in TheBlueCatMenace's The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide. Thank you to everyone who voted, and be sure to keep supporting your favorite sections!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Sorcery Show | 14 | 35.90% | Legend 8 & Boo1268 |
| 2nd | Dry Dry Data | 8 | 20.51% | DryBonesBandit (talk) |
| 3rd | The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide | 6 | 15.38% | TheBlueCatMenace |
Written by: MightyMario (talk)
Hello and welcome to another edition of TV Tomorrow! While I unfortunately got lost in old editions of TV Guide last month, thankfully I found my way out and once more I can bask in the glow of the TV screen! This month, I'll be overviewing the Mushroom World Cup finals, closing out a championship that has proved to be exciting for many and also upsetting for some kingdoms involved (looking at that Flower Kingdom-Sprixie Kingdom game where the Wiggler slept in front of the goal, blocking any attempt by the Sprixies to score.)
Next month, it'll be back to regular programming and the new Viewer's Choice program, but without further ado, let's look at the upcoming semifinals for the Mushroom World Cup Finals!
Semifinals: Mushroom Kingdom-Koopa Kingdom
_-_Mario_Strikers_Charged.png)
The intense rivalry between the denizens of the Mushroom Kingdom and the Koopa Kingdom follows them even on the soccer pitch, where fiery goals are made and brutal red cards are made (mostly to Bowser, the team captain). After an intense match against Rogueport that ended 2-1 in extra time, the Mushroom Kingdom is looking to advance to the finals, but the unstoppable Koopa Kingdom is in their way.
Mario, the plumber who's adept at all the sports played in the Mushroom Kingdom (yes, even dodgeball), looks to best his eternal nemesis Bowser on the field. Luigi's been touted as someone to watch, his goals having won several of the Kingdom's matches.
On the Koopa side, Bowser's son Bowser Jr. has been powering through other teams' defenses, given his small stature allowing him to slip past the players and make goals easily. Koopa Troopa #8743 is also a notable player, but I heard he's being replaced by Koopa Troopa #2319, who replaced Koopa Troopa #5851…
Semifinals: Sarasaland-Donkey Kong Island
_-_Mario_Strikers_Charged.png)
Donkey Kong Island isn't technically a kingdom, right? I mean, I guess Cranky Kong could be considered the king of it… but it is named after his grandson, whose visage makes up the rocky centerpiece of the island…
Anyways, Donkey Kong is eager to deliver a banana slamma to the Sarasaland soccer team and their captain Princess Daisy. Daisy herself has been a force to be reckoned with on the pitch, laying in multiple attacks on the goal and shooting goals as fast as lightning. Flower power indeed!
On the subject of her team, however, there have been some concerns of cheating by Boo, one of the team's sidekicks. It's been caught on camera that Boo has swallowed the ball on numerous occasions, turning himself invisible, and flying into the goal. Then again, they do allow Monty Mole to dig into the ground and shoot the ball into the goal from there, so I guess it's alright.
Both these games should prove to be an electric precursor to the final game, where we'll watch any of these four teams go against each other to win the gold trophy and bragging rights about who's better on the soccer pitch for another four years!
I'm MightyMario and thank you for tuning into TV Tomorrow! Now, go out and watch some soccer GOOOOOOOOOOOALS!!!
Star Ratings
Written by: BigBoom1946
GOOD MORNING 'SHROOM! Sorry, just needed to get that out of my system. Now, where was I? Ah yes, announcing what we will be covering today. Ladies, germs and anyone else, this is my ninth ever article on The 'Shroom, so that's fun. Anyway, let's get into the real meat of the column, the location I'm covering. For today, the Space Location of the day will be.......... Battle Belt Galaxy!
History
According to the sign I found, apparently this galaxy was formerly a zoo that later fell on hard times owing to competitors and being in the middle of empty space. So, they did the option that everyone would do in such a situation; turned the zoo into a series of combat challenges against the former attractions of the zoo. Of course, this is highly illegal, so it was shut down until Bowser's army came through during the Second Galaxy War and sent troops to guard the planet in order to capture Mushroom Kingdom soldiers flying through that region of space.
Inhabitants
When Bowser's troops arrived at the former zoo only one animal remained: a rare Fiery Gobblegut flying around its feeding grounds. After a few deaths, they managed to train the Gobblegut to only attack beings who weren't part of the Koopa Troop. It was stationed in the area around the galaxy to destroy any invaders.
The rest of the troops stationed there turned the zoo's generator back on with a Power Star and ran the place as a sort of training ground for new recruits, making them fight an onslaught of soldiers to become officers in the Troop. This hazing ritual was ended when Mario got to the galaxy, defeating the mooks stationed there, slaying the Gobblegut, and gaining the Power Star.
Landmarks
This former zoo is chock-full of unique locations to visit, so I am going to list them all.
- The football planet, meant as an entry point for the zoo.
- The Cinder planet, meant to house the fire-producing creatures.
- The crate planet, originally meant as storage but was later invaded by a group of Fiery Urchins from the Cinder planet.
- The sandy planet, built as a reserve for Brachyurans but disliked by Jedi from Tatooine.
- The Jack O'Goomba planet, built as an enclosure for aquatic creatures and named after a rich patron of the zoo who was in fact a Shy Guy. He just had a strange name.
- The Brr planet, assembled as a habitat for creatures that either produced or only lived in the cold.
- Gobblegut's planet was a small ball of rock that the dragon ate for sustenance.
- The grassy planet was made both as a habitat for burrowing species as well as a functioning music player for charity discos.
- The generator planet was constructed to power the habitats using the power of a star. When the park was shut down, however, the star was taken from the generator and purchased by the Topman Tribe, who used it to power the Dreadnought, one of the most powerful spaceships ever created.
Conclusions
Overall, the Battle Belt Galaxy is an awful place to visit. If you want to propose which planet I should cover next, then visit right here to submit your ideas. As always, Papadouples everybody! Which is something I definitely say all the time. And is not something I made up for a quick gag. Definitely.
Triple A Trouble
BREAKING NEWS
We interrupt this program with a breaking news report! I'm the kingdom-famous news anchor, Tattle Toad here to inform you all about a tragedy. Earlier this morning, it was discovered that the Mushroom Kingdom Bank was reportedly drained of all its coins! News reporter Clara T. Is live at the bank, ready to report on interview results.
Thanks Tattle Toad. Mushroom Kingdom Bank patrons are not faring too well due to the lack of coins. We've interviewed two regular Toads who come here often, neither of which are happy with the situation. Here's what they have to say:
This is awful! I can't make a withdrawal if there aren't any coins around! How am I supposed to purchase my Ice Flowers now?!
How am I? Terrible. All of my coins were stashed in this bank! How in the world does the best bank in the kingdom suddenly lose one million coins?! I'm never making deposits from here on out.
One Toad was seen running around in circles screaming like he lost a Mario Kart match because of a Blue Shell. After the customers were interviewed, the bank receptionists were asked about the events, and they provide a shocking plot twist:
Yesterday some pop star threw a huge concert nearby. We were bored out of our minds due to no customers showin' up. Suddenly, an ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE Ant Trooper wandered into this very room!
That's right! She had the most soothing voice--
And she offered us cookies! Delicious, chewy, chocolate chip cookies... they were so good! She was the kindest soul we ever met, so we gave her a Golden ? Block containing the bank's only one million coins inside.
It was the receptionists who willingly gave away the coins, not because of criminals. Obviously, the patrons weren't happy with the receptionists upon hearing their confession.
WHAT?!
Why would you idiots give every coin away like that?!
Now confronted by a group of angry customers, the receptionists tried to defend themselves.
We couldn't help it! You'd do the same if you encountered her.
As of now, it looks like there's a brawl inside the bank. Officers have been called to break it up, and these three receptionists may lose their jobs due to their actions. Back to you, Tattle Toad.
Thank you, Clara T. Hopefully the Mushroom Kingdom Bank will recover from this financial crisis, and that the new receptionists perform better than these guys. Before we end the report, a piece of paper was found at the bank's entrance depicting a badly-made drawing of what appears to be plans to a heist.
It also appears that the notorious Triple A Gang was responsible for this crime. Unless there's some other adorable Ant Trooper somewhere out there, I think I solved this mystery! What other gang has an Armad and Ant Trooper? Anyway, thank you for your time, and we now return to your regularly scheduled programming. Now I want a cookie...
(Back at their lair, the Triple A Gang watch the news report live)
Rough n' Tough: Heh! Look friends, our heist made breaking news!
Biker Annie: Oh my goodness! I didn't mean to get Toads fired. I just wanted to show my kindness to them...
Rough n' Tough: Don't forget Annie - YOU were the one who got us a million coins! We couldn't have done this without you.
The Kingfin: BLBLBLBLBLBLB!
Biker Annie: You're right. Thanks guys. Especially you, Roughie Toughie.
Rough n' Tough: I told you not to call me that.
Biker Annie: Oops. Sorry! Anybody want a cookie?
Written by: Wally the Baby Rhinoceros and Gastronomole
Goedendag, iedereen! This is Wally the Baby Rhinoceros, your deputy cooking columnist, coming back at you with another edition of the Cooking Guide on the Fake News pages of The ‘Shroom! ClawgripFan9001 still hasn’t returned from whatever hole in Rogueport he’s managed to dig himself into, so you’re still stuck with me for the time being! Anyhoo, since my first culinary adventure back in May, I’ve since then been reached out to by a famed New Wikisburg based chef by the name of Gastronomole, who wished to show me the ropes of cooking after reading my first Cooking Guide from this year’s May issue of The ‘Shroom. Being eager to gain a little bit more experience as a cooking columnist, I agreed immediately, and within twenty-four hours time, I found myself inside The ‘Shroom Headquarters’ Cooking Guide studio with Mr. Gastronomole, learning how to make his famed Magma Cake. Let’s take a look at how that session played out, shall we?
We then find ourselves in the Cooking Guide studio located in the basement of The ‘Shroom Headquarters, where Wally the Baby Rhinoceros was standing on stage next to Gastronomole, the famed anthropomorphic mole chef. The rhino tyke glanced up at Gastronomole, a little bit intimidated by his height, but otherwise comfortable with the professional chef’s presence. “Hi, Mr. Gastronomole. My name’s Wally, and I’ll be your apprentice in today’s Cooking Guide section.” Wally kindly greeted Gastronomole while continuing to stare up at him with his trademark lazy glance.
“It eez a pleasure to meet you, Monsieur Wally, my friend. I am very pleased that you would be so willing as to accept my invitation to collaborate, mon ami. Although if I must be honest, monsieur, I was expecting Monsieur ClawgripFan to be present. Do you perhaps know where he is, mon ami?”
Wally shook his head in response. “I do not, sadly. All I heard from Mr. Time was that he had run off to Rogueport to deal with some kind of investigation over there, and he hasn’t been heard from since then. That’s why I’m filling in for him on writing the Cooking Guide until he returns.” The baby rhino informed Gastronomole in response, being just as confused about ClawgripFan’s disappearance as he was.
Gastronomole sighs in disappointment, ”Oh well, I suppose I will have to meet with him some other time. *sigh* And to think, I was going to get a chance to meet another Michelin Shroom member, after so many years, but even still, those are the breaks, I suppose.”
“Mr. ClawgripFan has earned a Michelin Shroom?” Wally asked in surprise before deciding not to press Gastronomole about the topic any further and cut to the chase. “Anyway, you had arranged for us to be able to teach me, and the readers of The ‘Shroom, to that extent, how to make your famed Magma Cake?” He then inquired the mole chef with a curious tilt of his head, giving a long yet lazy look.
“AH YES! Indeed, Monsieur Wally, today, we will be preparing one of my less complicated meals to make, although despite that, mon ami, it still requires much skill and years of training to master. In fact, I would consider it to be one of the harder dishes for novice chefs to make! Even still, let us begin!”
“First, we must get our ingredients for the meal, Monsieur! For this, we will need; Flour, Sugar, Butter, Salt, Eggs, Chocolate, Blue & Red Berries, Maple Syrup, Lemon, Keel Mango, Gold Leaf, and finally, Vanilla Extract, alongside all ze bowls and utensils we will need!”
Wally nodded in understanding as Gastronomole started instructing him what ingredients the two of them needed for the creation of the Magma Cake, so he had the Cooking Guide studio crew source those ingredients, as well as the necessary bowls and utensils that Gastronomole required in a subsequent fashion. Soon enough, the crew walked up the stage and set everything down on the table in front of Wally and Gastronomole in a neatly organized manner before the crew walked off the stage once again.
“Alright, I think we should be just about set to start cooking.” Wally remarked as he looked over everything the two chefs had set out in front of them.
“Parfait! First, we must grease the inside of a small bowl, in this case, it would be a ramekin. After greasing ze bowl, we then dust it with a bit of flour on ze inside, so as to make sure the cake won't stick later on. Be sure to do this first as it is a very important step. Place ze flour greased bowl on a baking sheet, then set ze oven to 450 degrees.”
Wally nodded as he wrote all of this down in a dutiful manner on his notepad, just like how ClawgripFan would do whenever he was the one writing a Cooking Guide. “Go on.” The rhino tyke told Gastronomole to let him know he was still listening and paying attention.
“Excellente, now while I set ze oven, Monsieur Wally, could you grab a saucepan? It is very important for our next step.”
Wally nodded in acknowledgement of that request. “Of course, Mr. Gastronomole. One moment.” The baby rhinoceros responded as he ran off to get the saucepan as per the chef’s order, soon returning with the saucepan resting on his back. “Here it is.” He informed Gastronomole as he allowed the chef to pick up the saucepan off his back.
Gastronomole picked up the pan as he continued on with his instructions, “Now, place water in a saucepan, then once that is done, place the pan over the oven then boil ze water over low heat. Once you have done that, grab a thick glass bowl and place it on top of ze saucepan, grab your chocolate and stick of butter, place them in ze glass bowl, mixing them around till ze chocolate is melted.” Gastronomole then turns to Wally ready to give some much needed info, “For you see, monsieur Wally, ze steam that comes from ze water is just ze right amount of heat our chocolate needs to melt. Don't want to overdo it, no?”
Wally glanced back up at Gastronomole after writing out the next series of cooking instructions that the chef was giving him onto his notepad and the chef addressed him directly about the steam coming from the water in the saucepan. “Yeah, definitely don’t wanna overdo it. Moderation is key, after all.” The baby rhinoceros reasoned out loud with what the chef was telling him, being able to speak in spite of his binky in his mouth the entire time.
“Now, while ze chocolate is melting, in a mixing bowl, combine together two normal eggs, two egg yolks, 1/4 cup of sugar and 1/4 tablespoon of salt. Make sure to have JUST the yolks for ze second eggs, not ze whites. If you have ze claws like me this should not be a problem, although if you do not, then make sure to use a small strainer to get ze separation job done. Just a little tip for our readers at home. Anyhoo, mix them all together with a whisk till the eggs are whipped.” Gastronomole lowers the bowl for Wally to see the whipped eggs, the batter now having a creamy yellow appearance to it.
Wally was amazed by the creamy yellow appearance of the cake batter, having never seen such a shade of cake batter in his life before, which made sense, as he hadn’t lived very long yet due to being a baby rhinoceros. “Whoa, that is incredible! I do agree that a small strainer should be helpful in getting the separation of eggs done if you don’t have any claws like you do. After all, I don’t exactly have any hands to begin with.” The baby rhino giggled sheepishly as he looked at the hooves on his front legs.
“Why should that stop you, Monsieur Wally? Many of ze great chefs have found ways to be able to work around their limitations and SOAR to new heights! Just look at ze Volbonans! They have nothing but nubs for hands, monsieur, and their stupendous stew is nothing to scoff at!” Gastronomole beamed proudly, his voice and posture showing that he truly believed in what he was saying, his passion for cooking shining through like a brilliant beam of light.
Needless to say, Wally was awestruck by the confidence that Gastronomole was radiating when he talked about many species of chefs from around the Mushroom World and beyond having found ways to work around their physical limitations, creating magnificent dishes in the process, when the baby rhinoceros mentioned lacking any hands to cook with. “Whoa…I never really thought about it that way, Mr. Gastronomole. Thanks a bundle for helping me see that.” The baby rhinoceros stated as he shut his eyes in a happy manner as to simulate smiling with his eyes closed, which was hard to do because of the binky that was still in his mouth.
Gastronomole leaned down towards Wally and pointed a finger at him, “It is as I always say, Monsieur Wally, anyone can cook as long as they push themselves to become better, no matter what they deal with.” Turning back towards the bowls, Gastronomole continues his dish, “Where were we? Ah, yes! Now that ze chocolate is melted, we shall pour ze chocolate into the egg mix, making sure to mix it as we do so - you could also use a mixer for this part if you so wish. While mixing, place one tablespoon of vanilla extract into ze mixture, while also making sure to crush one Gold Leaf as well." He then grabs the Gold Leaf off the counter making sure to crush it in his hand mixing it into the batter.
“After mixing for a bit, add three tablespoons of flour and mix some more. Once ze batter is fully done, place ze mixture in the small bowls we greased earlier, placing them in the oven for over 10-12 minutes.”
Wally nodded as he went back to writing down the cooking instructions as soon as Gastronomole went back to carrying out those instructions. “That’s definitely a good way to go about learning what you can do in spite of the bodily functions you were born with or have gained over your lifetime.” The baby rhinoceros agreed with the mole’s earlier sentiments in regards to learning how to cook. “I think we’re almost finished with the cooking process of making this cake, aren’t we?” He then asked Gastronomole to make sure he was right in his assumptions, glancing back up at the talpidae culinaryist with his trademark lazy glance whilst doing so.
Gastronomole simply chuckled at Wally's response, “We are not even close, Monsieur Wally. Come now, let us make ze magma batter while ze cake cooks.” Gesturing towards the rest of the ingredients on the counter, placing a chopping board on said counter, “Now for this next step we will be working with a few sharp objects, so please be careful when using them, monsieurs at home, although in this case we do not need them, as my claws will suffice.”
Cutting the Keel Mango with intense speed and accuracy, Gastronomole's claws work like clockwork to chop it down to as small as it can get, before then cutting a lemon in half cleanly after tossing it in the air, being sure to catch the pieces before they fell. “Now with our mango chopped, we must blend it till it is liquidy. Afterwards, we must mix it together with a squeeze of lemon and a Maple Syrup, being sure to mix it around till it has a certain…look about it, I can only describe it as a look similar to caramel.”
“I see, I see.” Wally sheepishly responded to Gastronomole informing him that they were far from finished with the cooking instructions, as they were now up to the process of creating the magma batter that was sure to put the “Magma” in “Magma Cake”, and watched with intrigue as the mole chef sliced up the fruits with nothing but his claws in a speedy yet accurate fashion, then wrote down everything that Gastronomole told him as soon as the mole was done with cutting up the fruits. “Understood. Well, that shouldn’t be too difficult for even the most novice of chefs now, wouldn’t it?” The baby rhinoceros reasoned out loud about Gastronomole stating that the liquid consisting of Keel Mango Juice, Lemon Juice and Maple Syrup had a particular look akin to caramel to it.
“Indeed, Wally…Ah, talking to you and teaching you this meal reminds me of ze days when I was younger...I was once a novice like yourself, Wally - a young mole with a burning passion to do something great! Eventually, I found that cooking was what I was inspired to pursue! From that moment onward, a passion to make incredible meals was formed! Ah, I only wish I could go back in time to tell my younger self about all ze INCREDIBLE dishes I would make, just so I could have yet another lifetime to make more! But alas, that is not possible.”
“From what I’ve heard on the streets of New Wikisburg ever since I’ve been living here, there is a way to travel back in time, seeing as an inventor by the name of Elvin Gadd once built a time machine. And if he could do so once before, he could certainly do so again, me thinks.” Wally mused out loud as Gastronomole got lost in his musings about his younger self before moving on. “Anyhoo, what’s next in regards to making the magma batter?” He then asked the chef curiously.
“Nothing, my good rhino, since it has been about 12 minutes, ze cake should be done by now. Let us go and see.” Turning towards the oven, Gastronomole removes the cake from the oven and waits for it to cool down a tad. “Now once ze cake has cooled down, make a small hole inside of ze cake, like this, mon ami.” Gastronomole then sticks a finger in the cake, twisting it around to make a small but perfect hole, “After which we pour the Magma batter in and reseal it with a thick amount of chocolate alongside a long string.”
Wally nodded in understanding yet again as he wrote down the last of the cooking instructions on his notepad before tucking it away and looked at the completed Magma Cake in awe. “Whoa, Nelly! That Magma Cake really looks like a feast fit for a king or a queen!” The baby rhinoceros muttered in a fascinated tone of voice.
“We're not done yet, Monsieur Wally! Just one last step, and it is ze MOST dangerous yet…Hmm...Wally, could you be a friend and roll that metal cart over here? It is crucial for our final step.”
“Of course, Mr. Gastronomole!” Wally acknowledged once more as he ran to get the metal cart and started using his natural rhinoceros strength to start pushing the metal cart towards the mole chef as per his order, stopping once the cart was right in front of Gastronomole.
“Parfait! Here's ze last thing we need, a real genuine....” Gastronomole then removes the lid on the metal square cart, revealing a Lava Bubble to be inside! “Lava Bubble! Which we will use to make the Magma Cake, magma hot!” Gastronomole presented the Lava Bubble for all to see, it casually floating around in its container of magma, “Now, normally, most chefs of my caliber would need to travel to ze Dark Lands to get that magma heat, but I always make sure to bring along a Lava Bubble for ze same effect.”
Wally gasped in shock as Gastronomole revealed that a real Lava Bubble was hiding underneath the lid on the square metal cart, having heard about their existence before from people living in New Wikisburg before, but never having seen one before in person, especially not this close. “Whoa…! I can’t believe I’m getting the privilege of seeing a Lava Bubble this close and personal! I’d have to travel to one of King Bowser Koopa of Dark Land’s many Castles if I were to do so anywhere else!” The baby rhinoceros couldn’t help but say out loud in a little bit too excited tone of voice.
“Indeed, this creature will be crucial for our next step. Now, with the cake properly cooled, lower the cake while inside ze bowl slowly into ze Lava Bubble. Be sure not to burn ze rope…After about 10 minutes, slowly remove ze cake from ze bubble and ze bowl by proxy, but seeing as how this will take a moment or two, why don't we chat for a moment, eh, Wally? Tell me, monsieur, why do you wish to become a chef?” Gastronomole asked curiously while holding the string.
“Well, part of the reason why I wish to become a chef is to be able to make a new life for myself here in the metropolis of New Wikisburg, Mr. Gastronomole. After I was abandoned here in the city by a stork about two years ago, I wandered around the city aimlessly for a purpose while living with the writer of The Sunshine Travel Guide, Cosmo Neko, for the first year of my life here in the city. It was when Mr. Time advised me to start getting used to life in the city in his penultimate issue of “Dear Waluigi Time” that I decided to heed his advice and try to make a living by applying for a job here at The ‘Shroom, with my first task as a ‘Shroom writer being to fill in for Mr. ClawgripFan as the writer of the Cooking Guide. As such, I hope to increase my culinary knowledge so that once Mr. ClawgripFan eventually returns, I’ll have enough experience to become a chef myself.” Wally explained his backstory and his aspirations to being a chef to Gastronomole with a determined glare in his eyes.
“Well, Monsieur Wally, if and when Mr. ClawgripFan comes back, and you need to find a new place to work at, I would be happy to have you as my personal assistant, mon ami. Ze passion you display is not something an amateur chef would ignore, but with proper training…Well, let's just say you would be very well educated…However, that is YOUR choice to make, monsieur, and if you decline my offer, I understand.”
Wally’s eyes widened in amazement when Gastronomole offered him a position as his personal assistant for when ClawgripFan would someday return to reclaim his position as writer of the Cooking Guide. “I would love that!” He told Gastronomole without hesitation.
“PARFAIT! Once Monsieur ClawgripFan has returned, I will see to it, Monsieur Wally, that you are hired! However, for now, we must focus on the task at hand. I suppose enough time has passed. Now, mon ami, would you mind closing the lid on ze Lava Bubble's container while I remove ze cake from ze bowl?”
“Yes, of course, Mr. Gastronomole.” Wally nodded affirmatively as he closed the lid on the Lava Bubble’s container as per his future boss’ request while the latter took the cake out of the bowl, then waited for Gastronomole to serve it.
As Gastronomole removed the Magma Cake from its netherite bowl, he placed it down on a plate, “Now, pay attention, my soon to be apprentice. If and when I cut ze string on ze cake, it lights at ze top like a candle, then it is hot enough and ready to serve. If it does not, then the cake is not heated enough.” With a single slash of his finger, the string gets cut and the tip lights instantly, indicating to Wally that NOW the meal is finally ready to eat.
“Ohmigosh, that is incredible!” Wally stated in complete amazement as his binky proceeded to drop from his mouth in shock, but still remained hanging around his neck thanks to a string attached to it so that he wouldn’t lose the binky. “Let me have at that cake!” The baby rhinoceros then excitedly stated as he began to lap away at the cake with his rhinoceros tongue as soon as Gastronomole had put down a piece of the Magma Cake in front of him.
“Do you taste it, Monsieur Wally? Do you feel ze earthy richness? Ze sweetness of ze magma batter? How it's both blisteringly hot, but still warm to ze soul?”
“Yes, I do, Mr. Gastronomole. It is delicious. Lip-smacking good, even.”
“Indeed, alongside this, if you wish to present it to others, then serve it with some Blue and Red Berries as edible garnish, and enjoy! Truly a meal worthy of a high class table!” Gastronomole claimed as he boasted about the meal they had just crafted.
“I’ll be sure to keep that in the back of my mind when I end up sharing this meal with my friends in that case.” Wally smiled happily as he continued to lap away at his piece of Magma Cake.
“Well, I suppose we are done for ze day today. Thank you for having me, Monsieur Wally. You may not have been who I was expecting today, but you were a welcome surprise none ze less!”
So this is all you need to know for making Gastronomole's famed Magma Cake!
Ingredients
- Flour
- Eggs
- Sugar
- Butter
- Salt
- Chocolate
- Red and Blue Berries
- Maple Syrup
- Lemon
- Keel Mango
- Gold Leaf
- Vanilla Extract
Appliances
- Multiple bowls
- Baking sheets
- An oven
- A saucepan
- A couple of spoons
- A small strainer (Optional if you don’t possess any claws)
- A chopping board
- A couple of sharp knives (Optional if you don’t possess any sharp claws)
- A string
- A Lava Bubble
Instructions
- Grease a small bowl (typically a Ramekin) on the inside, then dust with a bit of flour, place on a baking sheet, meanwhile heat the oven to 450 degrees.
- Place water in a saucepan, boil over low heat, place a glass bowl on top, then add the chocolate and stick of butter to the bowl. Mix till chocolate is melted.
- In a mixing bowl, add 2 Eggs, 2 Egg yolks, 1/4 cup sugar and 1/4 tsp salt. Mix together till eggs are whipped.
- Pour Chocolate Sauce into Egg Mix, then add 1 tsp Vanilla Extract and one crushed Gold Leaf. After mixing a bit, add 3 tbsp flour and mix some more. Once the batter is fully done, place in a small bowl, on the baking sheet from before for over 10-12 minutes.
- Remove from oven and make a small hole in the top of the cake, pour Lava Batter inside alongside a long string. Reseal cake with more chocolate. Once chocolate is hardened, slowly lower cake inside either a Lava Bubble or a literal lake of lava. Do this for 10 minutes, making sure not to catch the string on fire. Remove bowl from lava source, then remove cake from bowl, then cut off the string.
- Place on a plate with some Blue and Red Berries and enjoy!
(Note: String tip will naturally light on fire once cut, if it doesn't, the cake is not heated enough.)
Lava Batter:
- Chop Keel Mango and blend till liquidy. Chop and mix squeezed lemon, mango juice and Maple Syrup together, this will result in the cake's ‘lava’.
And that's about everything there is for today's Cooking Guide! Many thanks to Mr. Gastronomole for reaching out to me and assisting me in today's Cooking Guide, and many thanks to you faithful readers for tuning in! Tot de volgende keer!
The Ghostly Dossier
Hi everyone! My name is Goldoo and welcome back to The Ghostly Dossier! In my last issue I talked about Boo Mario, this issue I felt piratey so we’re gonna talk about the legendary Captain Fishhook!
The Journey
In the months that I haven't written, E. Gadd actually moved to this big hotel that he built! He left the lab to me. Anyway, I looked around in my lab and found the notes on the great Captain and it said that he resides in the hotel!? When I arrived at E. Gadd's hotel, he told me that Fishook had actually left the hotel and now resides at Wario’s Shipyard! So off I went!
The Catch
The ship was quiet… too quiet. A faint ghostly bluish green glow swirling around the ship… when suddenly, hordes of Fish Bones started jumping out of the water at me! But I managed to fend them off. Then suddenly, he emerged from the floor…
“Blaaargharghargh! You're quite a tough one aren’t ya? Say, what’s a land-lubbin’ missy like you doin’ all the way out here?” He bellowed.
“I-I’m here to uhh… interview you!” I lied, really I was here to capture him but that fish hook on his right fin looked mighty sharp and I didn’t really feel like becoming minced gold!
“An interview you say? Why sure! The world does need to know of me incredible thievin’ feats!”
“Uhh y-yeah! What would you say was your most impressive heist?”
“Ay! Why of course it was…” I didn’t really listen all too well, maybe I should've? But while he was distracted, and more importantly dramatically posing in a way where he couldn’t see me, I snuck up and caught him off guard and managed to capture him!
The Analysis
Spectral Mass: 257W, quite the catch!
This mighty beastly pirate appears to have quite a lot of history behind him! First beginning his piratey rage from the 1600’s, he ravaged the seas in search of all the treasure he could find! Even in death he still holds a pirate army of Fish Bones and Boos! (Speaking of which, I should probably return him soon before my lab gets invaded by pirates!) During his travels he collected many treasures, but it seems he was focused on one great treasure, a Grand Star! A very rare artifact from beyond the stars! It would take one thousands of years to find it! Probably why he hasn’t yet…
This ghost seems to hold the most power out of any ghost I've discovered so far! Reportedly he's been able to possess entire ships! Not to mention that hook has got to hurt! But he also doesn’t seem to be too upset in his containment cell, so long as he gets to regale me of his tales every so often. It also seems he shares some resemblance to Jonathan Jones. Perhaps Johnny is wearing Fishook's old body? I shudder to think about it…
End
Well that about concludes this month's analysis! And this time I certainly have found a true legend of a ghost! Oh! And as for Goldy, he’s already gone to college! They grow up so fast… *sniffle*
Written by: Letter Kong
Salutations, friends of the jungle and Diddy Kong alike. It is I, your jungle chief, Letter Kong, back at you yet again for our next entry in the Fake News' year-long lineup of Diddy Kong-themed guest sections to go along with our Diddy Kong Redemption movement, in which we dedicate the entirety of The 'Shroom's 2026 run to seeking justice for Nintendo's mistreatment of Diddy Kong, who was unwillingly retired from his position as Donkey Kong's sidekick and assigned to hosting a minigame mode in Donkey Kong Bananza, the Kong Clan's latest videogame venture on the Nintendo Switch 2. With July having arrived, likewise, we've ushered in the second phase of our Diddy Kong Redemption movement, and to kick it off, I have received a tip-off from a faithful member of my pack who has closely been monitoring the Kongo Jungle crime blotter as of late, and they managed to dig up this recent news piece that I will be sharing with you all today.
You see, it seems that our scorned simian sidekick has found himself victim of an attempt on his very own life after receiving a letter bomb under the guise of being fan mail, but this letter bomb was fortunately found out and defused before it could do any lethal harm to our beloved Didrick. Following this, Didrick immediately contacted the Kongo Jungle's local detective agency, after which he set DCI Richard "Ricky" Kong on the case to hunt down the criminal responsible for the attempt to send him packing to the catacombs of The Underwhere. Karel "Kaboom" Kremavaria, a known Kremling explosives expert active in Donkey Kong Island's criminal circuit, was immediately wanted for questioning, though during interrogation, he admitted to acquiring gunpowder through a supplier based at the flat block on the outskirts bordering the Kongo Jungle from the Monkey Mines, but that he wasn't responsible for organizing the liquidation of Diddy Kong, suggesting he was being framed, so Ricky Kong went to investigate at the location provided by Herr Kremavaria.
Combing out the scene where the crime was supposedly organized, Ricky Kong found a backscratcher belonging to another known career criminal, Itchell "Itchy" Krociver, so the gunman was also sought out for questioning, though Krociver stated that he too had nothing to do with the crime organized against Diddy Kong, and that a guy with no face had stolen his backscratcher from him, believing himself to be framed by the real culprit of the crime like Herr Kremavaria before him. Following this, DCI Kong brought in a local adventurer notorious for having no visible facial features, Indiana Joe, for questioning regarding his possibility of being involved in the crime. Mr. Joe informed DCI Kong that he had been asleep at Club Tropikongo at the time the crime had occurred, parroting Herr Kremavaria and Mr. Krociver's earlier sentiments of being framed. Though in the case of Mr. Joe, this sentiment was proven correct when DCI Kong went to Club Tropikongo and found a discarded note there from the culprit, ordering the bar personnel to slip Mr. Joe a mickey and keep him asleep. Afterward, DCI Kong chased down an automobile driven by another Donkey Kong Island-based career criminal named Noel Poe Tassium, who informed the DCI that a shifty fellow working along the border of the Monkey Mines and the Vine Valley had paid him to follow the DCI and do recon on him. Leaving Mr. Tassium in the capable hands of the sergeants at the station he was posted at, DCI Kong went to investigate the location the career criminal was referring to.
Once there, DCI Kong happened to come across a book on explosives from the Kongo Jungle Library alongside a paper that matched the one used to create the letter bomb intended to get rid of Diddy Kong. Hurrying over to the library in question as fast as he could, DCI Kong requested the personnel working there at the time permission to scan through the checkout records that the library held. Upon being granted, our valiant detective discovered that the book on explosives had been checked out by hitman Kyle Kookaburra, who was known to be a vocal opposer of Diddy Kong and had supposedly been driven insane by jealousy in the wake of the Diddy Kong Redemption movement's uprising, which motivated him to organize the crime against the spidermonkey.
Following Mr. Kookaburra's arrest upon having been found guilty of the attempted vanquishing of Diddy Kong, he was promptly sentenced to seven years of imprisonment in the Gorilla Glacier Maximum Facility. And that, dear friends, is where this tale from the Kongo Jungle crime blotter comes to an end. A notorious criminal had their career ended by a classic example of jealousy being a cruel mistress, while the resurgence of Diddy Kong's career rages on, all thanks to our beloved spidermonkey being quick to act in alerting the authorities of the attempt on his life. I hope you found this entry to our Diddy Kong Redemption lineup to be just as thrilling as I found it to be, and I hope to see you again next month, where we will be looking at more Diddy Kong-themed goodness. Ta-ta for now!
A Shell in the Spotlight
Well hello there everybody! Koopa here, making a grand re-emergence here on Fake News. Hopefully this time around my section won't get hijacked by some troublemakers... This time around I've got something special for you dear readers! In this section we will be going through the history of notable Koopas, taking a look at what they're known for and the impact they have made on this great big galaxy. In this very first issue of this section we are going to be looking at an amazingly heroic Koopa who was around over a millennia ago, one spoken about in tales and legends known only as "The Stalwart Koopa"!
The Stalwart Koopa
This legendary Troopa was part of 'The Four Heroes', a quartet of heroes who defeated and sealed away an immortal shadow demon. Their story runs deep, but today we will be just focusing on the Koopa. The Stalwart Koopa was known for travelling the world, going alone and being known for his incredible bravery. This hero would follow darkness and evil to the ends of the planet, just to vanquish and banish it. Of course, as time progressed and as the heroic Koopa continued his travels he began to gain a reputation, one that made his enemies especially fear him. The scarred Koopa would go on to be known by many different names: "The monster-exterminator", "the Valiant Koopa", "the Rescuer Koopa" and of course, "The Stalwart Koopa".
Eventually the Koopa had heard about the shadow demon and its plot to cover the world in darkness. Naturally, being the hero he was, he set out to put a stop to the demon's nefarious plan. The Koopa would find great success in his travels, as the legend says "He went alone wherever evil dwelt, and banished it with shell and sheer bravado." Yet despite this, eventually he would be caught in a trap, and for a while everything seemed lost... until a Boo, another one of the to-be four heroes, rescued the Stalwart Koopa from the trap with her magic. Despite the Boo's cold demeanor, the "brave Koopa's spirit had melted the heart of the cold Boo lass…"
Now united with his new Boo companion, the two decided to join forces with the other two heroes of the famous quartet (a Toad and a Goomba). Together they set out for the Palace of Shadow to defeat the demon for once and for all. Their inevitable battle was fierce and the demon was seemingly unbeatable, however the Goomba came to the conclusion that it was the fabled Crystal Stars that gave the demon its power. It was with this critical knowledge that the team was able to formulate a plan: the Toad and Boo would create a gap in the demon's defences and at that moment the heroic Koopa would swoop in, take the stars and finish off the demon. Legends say that the plan worked near-flawlessly, and our Koopa hero was able to both recover the stars and deal a devastating strike to the shadow demon! However, that was not yet enough to vanquish the demon so the team had to resort to an alternate plan, they all came together and used the power of the Crystal Stars to seal the demon and it worked, the heroes thought they had won but the demon had one last trick up its sleeve. Using a tiny opening the demon cast a curse on the heroes, as soon as they let go of the Crystal Stars their souls would be consumed by a black chest.
With the overbearing curse now attached to the heroes, they decided to go their separate ways and to spread the Crystal Stars far and wide as to make sure the seal remained intact. I wish I could tell you where the stars are now, but unfortunately their locations have long faded into legend... Supposedly the Valiant Koopa took his star out to sea, to an island where nobody would get their hands on it. Unfortunately, as the story goes, our hero was too exhausted from his journey and his treasure was stolen by a pirate king, subjecting the Koopa to his now inescapable prison...
Who knows where that chest containing the Koopa's soul is now? Or better yet, the Crystal Star itself. I've heard rumours and tales of people encountering "cursed chests" around the whole world. Whilst these are just rumours and most likely hearsay, I took notice to a specific tale involving a "talking chest" in Keelhaul Key as it seemed to line up with the legend rather well. I also found it interesting that I always heard the same things when these tales were shared with me, stuff along the lines of "despite their evil-seeming appearance, they were actually rather friendly". I bring this up because I never heard anything similar from other stories involving any other "talking chests".
So... who knows, maybe The Stalwart Koopa is still out there in some form. If he is, I would quite like to meet him! What a role model of a Koopa!
Their impact and conclusion
Being as legendary as he is, this Koopa has caused a pretty big shellshock. He is an inspiration to all, but especially to many young Koopas who aspire to become heroes. Though unfortunately, as the years go on his story seems to fade more and more into history. I suppose that can't be helped when you lived over 1,000 years ago.
Oh also, I heard something about the shadow demon being freed by some alien dudes before being defeated by a guy in overalls and his companions? I must've slept through that news day.
Anyways, thank you for reading the start of my new section! I know it's not the grandest thing ever but it's my excuse to talk about Koopas for awhile! See you next time!
Written by: Boo1268
Family Story Told In Dry Dry Archaeology
Hello, readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. Sorry about Mind Master's takeover last May, I certainly wasn't expecting him to return so soon! Anywho, congratulations to Lakituthequick for his 100th issue! What a milestone! But now it's back to business here my dear readers, and oh boy do I have some history for you! For today, I will tell you all the tale of an ancient civilization, and how a combination of betrayal, revenge, and strangely, community resulted in the end of a once proud kingdom, now buried deep within the desert sands of time, ultimately resulting in the formation of a much more humble and prosperous society. Does that sound interesting to you, dear readers? Well you'll be even more curious to know that I am in fact NOT the one to have uncovered this history in its entirety, for it was my dear colleague Kolorado that dug up this harrowing tale that I recount to you now. So with that out of the way, let us begin, shall we?
| Kolorado | |
|---|---|
|
The world renowned Koopa explorer, known for his sense of adventure, wondrous archaeological discoveries, and his sometimes bumbling nature. A well meaning chap who despite his flaws is someone who never backs down from a challenge, even if the odds are stacked against him. |
| Fun Fact!: Kolorado's sense of adventure is something that has always been present throughout his life. Whether it was hearing the stories told from a wise old Koopa, being mentored by Professor Frankly, or Kolorado's own father being one of many explorers having met a grisly fate in an attempt to find the weakness of a fearsome beast, Kolorado's drive for exploration has always been in his blood. | |
As you may recall, our story begins with my good friend Kolorado venturing into Dry Dry Desert in order to uncover the elusive ruins of said desert. Kolorado spent many days and nights combing through the desert with little success, even tasking his assistants to ask the locals of Dry Dry Outpost to uncover some secrets. Alas, this was to no avail, until suddenly at some point the ruins mysteriously emerged from the sands, seemingly all on their own! This in truth was in part to the Hero in Red, who had to uncover the ruins in order to save one of the elusive Star Spirits, Mamar. These events had taken place during Bowser's takeover when he was in possession of the Star Rod. However, soon after Mario saved the spirit and uncovered the ruins, my good man Kolorado got right to work uncovering the secrets behind the ruins of the once proud Dry Dry Kingdom. As such, here's what he discovered. Many years ago, back when the shifting sand dunes of the desert were calmer and the land of the Mushroom Kingdom had just begun to be established, there was a kingdom founded by the proud King Koopamses, who in truth, was not really a king in the royal bloodline sense. He was once a powerful warlord who, through fear and respect, had founded the kingdom from the ground up, having his subjects and loyal followers help him build up the kingdom piece by piece, alongside carving stone statues of him in his honor just to extend his influence and ego. The king ruled with an iron fist, sending anyone who dared oppose him to the Piranha Sand Pit to be executed by the beast's vicious jaws. It was either that or being forced to walk the endless desert for days upon days on end. Many considered the king to be a ruthless tyrant whom they despised greatly and plans were seemingly already made for someone to take his place. Eventually however, the king was indeed overthrown, having been replaced by a much more suitable ruler.
| Dry Dry Desert | |
|---|---|
|
A seemingly vast neverending span of desert that some theorise goes on for miles. Despite its harsh conditions, many individuals, creatures, and even plants call this place home, from trees to Pokeys, from Paratroopas to small collections of Bandits, many individuals somehow find a way to survive the harshness of this desert. Perhaps it's thanks in part to the oasis located within. |
| Fun Fact!: This desert land is the only known home of the Pit Plant which at one point served as a vicious execution device, now being relegated to a race course obstacle. | |
Soon after King Koopamses was taken off the throne and executed for his time as a tyrant, a new king would be crowned. That king would come to be known as the mysterious King Yoshufu. During his reign, many would describe the king as somewhat of a wacko, while others would call him a divine priest of the sands. For you see, during his reign Yoshufu was known to use or even rely on mystical arts for many things, having magic be a key ingredient in his society, from hiring shamans to help him predict the future, to creating a religion surrounding the “Grand Chomp God”, a deity who he believed would allow his kingdom to swallow up his foes whole and expand his land evermore. Yoshufu even went so far as to carve and enchant mystical Stone Chomps to help in guarding precious relics located within prominent parts of the kingdom. They also tended to help serve as security for would be intruders. Many years would pass, and despite the king's somewhat chaotic nature, King Yoshufu proved to be a much better ruler (albeit somewhat) when compared to King Koopamses. However, something strange would happen, when one day the king claimed he had a vision of what was to come. He rambled on about how he saw the kingdom fall to the sands. He saw warriors Red & Green defeating a terrible evil. He saw the princess of a mushroom kingdom and a far away land being captured. He also saw two allies of the color clad heroes, a Yoshi and a brave Toad. No one quite understood the king's ramblings at the time. Many had believed he had gone fully crazy, while some believed that all his time spent with the shamans made him susceptible to their magic powers. No one was certain as to if the king was telling the truth or not. What was certain, however, was that the king had ordered the construction of large stone pillars detailing the emblems he had seen in his vision. It was to be a warning to all who would come after him. However, due to the king's chaotic nature, no one ever understood what the symbols meant. Eventually, the king would pass away peacefully in his sleep, transferring ownership of his kingdom and the king's most prized possession to his most trusted advisor, an advisor who would come to be known as King Mousta.
| The Pulse Stone | |
|---|---|
|
This mystical stone was once the prized possession of King Yoshufu, having entrusted it to his advisor who would eventually become King Mousta. The stone seems to have been given a mystical property where it would detect the ruins of the Dry Dry Kingdom, or what remained of them, anyways. It would also serve as the key to unearth said ruins, which begs the question of whether the engraving for the stone to act as a key was created before it was made magical or after. |
| Fun Fact!: The Pulse Stone's gem composition is equal to that of a pink topaz. | |
King Mousta would come to be known as the greatest (and last) king of Dry Dry Kingdom. King Mousta, having seen and learned of the way his subjects had revolted and reviled the previous kings due to their commanding nature, wished to change that. As such, King Mousta was often described as a kindhearted mouse who saw his people not as lowly commoners, but as individuals with hopes and dreams. The king made it his drive to uplift the people he came to rule over, treating his servants with respect and his citizens with kindness. He even went out of his way to offer money to help businesses grow and thrive, further cementing his legacy as a great king. However, many of the king's royal advisors protested against this, claiming that the king should not be mingling in the "insignificant lives of the common folk”. The king disagreed with them, claiming that the role of a king was to care for his subjects and aid in helping their struggles. This alongside the king's kind nature made him seem weak in the eyes of his advisors and even a select few of his subjects. To them this mouse was too much of a pushover to remain king, as such, despite his ruling being fair and just, King Mousta was betrayed by his royal advisors, with them leading an uprising gathering many citizens to their cause. Quickly, the former king was driven out of his royal home, with the advisors and citizens now wishing to have a society akin to anarchy. Much of the kingdom was ruined in the revolution, leading the former king to vow revenge against all those who betrayed him.
| Dry Dry Ruins | |
|---|---|
|
One of the few remaining structures to exist after the destruction of the Dry Dry Kingdom. These ruins acted as their ceremonial burial chamber where they would bury their dead. It was at one point used as the lair of the villainous Tutankoopa. |
| Fun Fact!: After these ruins emerged from the desert, many more erupted from the ground at the same time. Kolorado theorizes that perhaps a shift in sand in such a large spot caused all the other ruins to emerge, somewhat like an earthquake, however I feel as if some sort of magic was involved. | |
Thankfully, the former king was not alone. Many of his most loyal followers stood beside him and aided in his escape during the revolution. After being exiled, the king and his followers began to form a plan to take back the kingdom by force. Thankfully, it just so happened that King Mousta's most loyal followers happened to also be thieves and robbers. Slowly but surely, the former king would begin to build up an army not too far away from the kingdom itself, with many thieves and former criminals coming to join the king in his quest. Eventually, the king figured that his new subjects deserved a place to live. Over many months, what once started as a small caravan of tents and yurts, transformed into a true home for these 40+ thieves, a place that would come to be known as Dry Dry Outpost. Soon the time had come for the king to take back his lost land. Rounding the army he had been building for several months, the king stormed the capital with his army in tow. The battle was brutal and many lives were lost, but ultimately the kingdom was taken back, but now in shambles, resulting in the destruction of said kingdom. King Mousta had won, but at what cost? After the war, the king sentenced all his advisors to death by mummification, forcing their bodies into the burial chamber. However, an even worse fate met the leader of the advisors, Advisor Pokamine, who was not only sentenced to be mummified like the rest, but his body was buried in a FAR away land, never to touch a grain of sand in Dry Dry Desert ever again.
| Dry Dry Outpost | |
|---|---|
|
A desert dwelling town built from the ground up by robbers and thieves who once served a great king. The outpost served as their base of operations for when the king and his army would storm the capital. Being located near the kingdom's ceremonial burial chamber, a quick and strong assault would provide a strong win for Mousta and his 40 thieves, plus it would lessen travel time. It now serves as a rest stop and home to many of Dry Dry Desert's residents. |
| Fun Fact!: It's rumored that a descendant of King Mousta known as Moustafa dwells in this town, supposedly watching over the ruins to this very day. However, no one has been able to uncover whether or not this mysterious mouse is real or just a story created by the townspeople. | |
Ultimately, while King Mousta had won the battle to reclaim the kingdom, he had lost the war to save it. As such, the king and his remaining citizens deserted their once proud home, returning to Dry Dry Outpost permanently. The ruins of the great kingdom now served as a cruel reminder of what civil war and manipulation can do to a proud society. Many years would pass, and the former king would isolate himself from his own society, believing himself to have failed as a ruler of his people. Some citizens even speculate that the former king left town, simply vanishing, possibly banishing himself. Whatever the case may be, King Mousta slowly but surely faded into the sands of history, much like the kingdom. However, over the many years, something strange would occur. The once small and seemingly unassuming town of Dry Dry Outpost began to flourish, with many wayward travelers, nomads, and caravans coming to make their home permanently within the town's walls, eventually growing and thriving like never before, built on the foundation of community, kindness and respect. All while being maintained by the honorable thief boss known as Moustafa and his band of thieves who secretly ran the town, Moustafa being quoted by a information trader named Sheek as “a very nice guy, who sees his people and associates not as lowly commoners or heartless thieves, but as individuals with hopes and dreams”. As such, over the years as the ruins sunk deeper into the sand, this history of the kingdom's sorrowful past fading from memory, the morals that founded Dry Dry Outpost became a reflection of what Mousta was trying to achieve, his dream finally being realized without him even knowing it. So remember dear readers, through one way or another, our dreams, our hopes will all be made manifest. Never give up your dream, for you may find that it will come true, even where you least expect it. And so, with that, our story ends. I do hope you all enjoyed this edition of The Spectral Lens, I was a bit burnt out recently, but things are getting back on track! If you have any suggestions for what I should look into next time, make sure to check out my official forum page. I'm always willing to dry off some of your requests, so don't be afraid to give me suggestions. And with that I say: Merci, au revoir.
The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
Sirena Beach: Worse Than Hotel Mario (Actually It's Not That Bad But It Still Sucks)
Bar D. Jokue here. Do you ever get that feeling that you weren't supposed to write your 'Shroom section because your rival was going to turn back into a cat and reclaim his section back from you, but none of that happened because the section's anniversary was delayed? Yeah, me too.
Anyway, I had to head back to my hometown today in Isle Delfino, and while I was there I decided to stay at the world-renowned Hotel Delfino, located in Sirena Beach. I was expecting something great, but I should have been warned by all the four star reviews. I mean, what kind of hotel gets four stars? People only ever rate five or one star! Needless to say, there is a lot to dig into with this place, so let's get to it.
Basic Information
Sirena Beach is one of Isle Delfino's famous two beaches, along with Gelato Beach. It is to the southwest of the island, or "on the dolphin's tail" as many locals like to say. I am a local and I've never really understood this saying, but whatever. Sirena Beach has strange stories and myths surrounding it, like how it seems to be trapped in a perpetual sunset, or the many tales of ghosts being seen in its rooms…
Hotel Delfino was actually established, coincidentally, at the same time as The Sunshine Travel Agency, in 2002! Weird, seems like nearly every business from Isle Delfino was established around that time. In fact, it's like no one even talked about anyone or anything from Delfino before Mario visited. But hey, that's off topic…
Hotel Delfino has three stories, each with their own rooms and facilities. There are a few different room types you can purchase, including a single bed room and a double bed room. Hotel Delfino also has a lot of baths for some reason, with every room including one, a whole room dedicated to a bath, and then a few pools, which are just recreational baths. There's also a large ventilation system which seems pretty…sus. Eh? Eh? Isn't that what all the kids are into nowadays? Oh, of course, there is also a secret illegal casino in the basement, just like my house.
The Issues
Now that we've gotten all the boring stuff out the way, I can finally complain to my heart's content. First off, the staff is completely incompetent. The employees, especially the manager, seem to have very little understanding of how to run a hotel, or even what they're doing in general. They installed an auto-lock system to improve security, but then they lost control of it and now the doors are unpredictably locking, so you may be turned away at the door because the room you reserved is locked tight. Good thing I made seven reservations, just in case…
All that stuff is bad, but I've been avoiding the very worst problem this whole time. Something that turns this hotel from just a simple dump with bad service, to a DANGEROUS dump with bad service. You may already know what I'm talking about, it's something that HAUNTS me at night. That's right, it's the fact that the lobby has little puddles of water that you can fall into and get slightly damp! …That isn't what I put down in my notes. Was it that the ventilation only existed on the third floor? That the hotel occasionally sinks into the ground? Oh wait, it was ghosts. Of course.
GHOSTS! Boos, mainly. They disguise themselves as furniture, coins and the like, then leap out and attack you when you come near. It was so annoying, I smelled a flower, BOO! I ran up the stairs, knocked over a vase, it was also a BOO! Opened my door, BOO! Sat on a couch, BOO! Spent half an hour filling a bathtub and adjusting the water to the ideal temperature, then as soon as I hopped in…I had a pleasant bath. Then I grabbed a towel and BOO! See the issue?
Oh, it gets worse though. See, I figured I would try out the secret illegal casino downstairs. Turns out, THE RULER OF THE BOOS KING BOO IS JUST CHILLING DOWN THERE, INSIDE THE WORLD'S WEIRDEST ROULETTE WHEEL!! Like, the wheel had pineapples, question marks and even peppers. So weird. Honestly the weirdest thing about that situation. Yeah, so I'd say if you're allergic to hauntings, possession, death or spicy food, avoid this hotel.
Souvenirs
Recently they set up a new gift shop in the area outside Delfino Hotel, which I purchased some items from for the sake of review. About ten of the items I purchased were secretly Boos, but some were legitimate at least.
| Sirena Beach Spring Water | ||
|---|---|---|
|
These are bottles of water that allegedly have "High Quality Pure Sirena Beach Spring Water!!!" I didn't see a spring at Sirena Beach, and the water tasted oddly salty so…Hm, they must have hidden the spring well! There isn't any other kind of explanation for this. Nosiree. I didn't just down a gallon of saltwater. The burning in my throat is unrelated. Uh, I need to lie down… | |
| PRICE: | 10 coins | |
| Mint On Your Pillow | ||
|---|---|---|
|
This hotel seriously makes you pay for the little mint on your pillow? It's an extra fee? What kind of stupid moron would buy this product?! Uh, excluding me, obviously. | |
| PRICE: | 5 coins | |
Reviews
"This hotel sucks. Buy The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide instead. 0/10" - ProbablynotBarDJokue
"I second the other guy. 0/10" - ImprobablynotBarDJokue
"Since 2020, all the mirrors have stopped working. I wish they would update that… 0/10" - VeryMeta
Conclusion
Hey, it's Guy, just sifting through these thank you letters for including a souvenir section. Thank you for reading to the end of this admittedly pretty mediocre issue! I had another skim of those ancient text, and uncovered a passage that read: "The Device Of Plot Shall Reinstate The Trueth Writer Of The Sunshine Travel Guide, Cosmo Neko." Bar D. Jokue has been getting a bit stressed over this, and hasn't come out of his office in a while. I did eavesdrop on him, but all I heard was something about newspapers. Anyway, you know the drill, leave suggestions on the forums, and we'll see you next month for another issue of The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide!
…Right?
Fungal Forager's Field Guide
Written by: Patisserie Shoey (talk) and W.P. Hoodington (talk)
The following modified transcript is provided to The 'Shroom by MKBC. In this month's episode, the Fungal Forager's Field Guide's crew venture to Booster Pass to seek the strange wildlife living in the domain of the crazed Booster.
Species: Artichoker
Documented Range: Booster Pass
Family: Chlorophyllic Chamaeleonidae
Naturalist's Note: Though strikingly similar, the Kriffids of Land's End are not direct relatives, and instead are believed to have arisen through convergent evolution.
Artichokers sit idle for long periods, hiding their reptilian bodies in a shrub-like mass of leaves. In this state, they are nearly indistinguishable from the genuine shrubs scattered around Booster Pass. Camouflaged so, they lure insects by secreting a sweet-smelling honeydew from their leaves. When these insects land upon the leaves to drink up the secretion, the Artichoker's reptilian head lunges and grabs them. They do not limit their meals to insects, however. Paratroopas and Spikeys often search the shrubbery of Booster Pass in hopes of finding insects on which to munch. When these competitors draw near, Artichokers will lunge at them without hesitation and use an electrical discharge to stun them.
Booster's elite team of Snifsters have reported that Artichokers have instead sprayed toxic spores at them when they attempted to search their leaves for beetles. These accounts demonstrate that Artichokers can differentiate between potential prey and other threats, adapting their tactics accordingly. These spores appear to be part of an induced defense response, with the leaves of Artichokers only producing them when physically damaged. Once the leaves have produced the spores, the reptilian head blows them towards the threat. Intriguingly, the reptilian body of the Artichoker possesses no immunity to these spores, and in fact demonstrates susceptibility to a wide range of toxins. The exclusive use of these spores against non-prey threats arose from necessity, for any creatures coated by these spores becomes unpalatable to the Artichoker! After surprising a threat with these spores, an Artichoker will scurry away on small legs, settling down elsewhere and camouflaging itself once again.
For many years, researchers and the general public knew Artichokers only through secondhand accounts. The Booster family long prohibited researchers from entering their domain, jealously guarding the lands they viewed as their personal playground. Intrepid travelers and Snifits who had abandoned their training as Apprentices provided descriptions of Artichokers, describing them as reptilian monsters mimicking shrubs. Their vivid, if occasionally exaggerated, physical descriptions of the creatures captured the imagination of the public, resulting in a common crop being renamed after the creatures. These early reporters, noting the distinctively reptilian appearance of the body concealed by the leaves, concluded that Artichokers were animals that had evolved to mimic plants in order to lure in prey. They speculated that the "leaves" of the Artichoker were modified, tentacle-like appendages. Others speculated these "leaves" might be modified scales. Though researchers at the time quibbled over the details, they broadly accepted that the Artichoker performed no photosynthesis, had no chlorophyll, and firmly existed within kingdom Animalia, merely mimicking the local flora.
With the ascension of Booster VII as patriarch of the Booster family, the public's understanding of Artichokers underwent a seismic shift. Entomologists and botanists, invited to enter Booster's domain by Snifsters seeking aid in devising better beetle traps, were finally able to study Artichokers directly. The investigations of botanists revealed that the leaves of Artichokers are true leaves! The leaves of Artichokers possess all of the characteristics associated with plants, possessing cellulose-based cell walls and chloroplasts, among other specialized structures. Subsequent experiments demonstrated that Artichoker leaves require sunlight to grow; no matter how much the reptilian body consumes, the leaves will fail to thrive if deprived of daylight. Though some speculated during this wave of discovery that Artichokers would turn out to be carnivorous plants much like Piranha Plants, further investigations showed that the cells of the Artichoker's reptilian body lack structures associated with plants. Now, a consensus exists that Artichokers are plant-animal hybrids, symbiotic associations between a shrub and reptile which reproduce together and which cannot survive when split apart.
The plant portion of the Artichoker provides not only carbohydrates to the animal portion, but camouflage, a lure in the form of its sweet secretions, and a means of defense. The animal portion consumes creatures to provide the plant portion with accessible nitrogen that it cannot obtain from the poor soil of Booster Pass, amino acids that it has seemingly lost the ability to produce on its own, and locomotion. While the benefits of this symbiotic relationship are clear, its origins remain the subject of fierce debate. Some researchers speculate that the relationship may have started as a case of parasitism, with the plant portion growing upon and drawing nutrients from a local reptile while taking advantage of its ability to wander about. Supporters cite the apparent relationship between Kriffids and Geckits in Land's End, whose relationship is much better understood, but no consensus on the history of Artichokers yet exists. The evolution of this peculiar creature continues to elude our understanding, another facet of the ever-strange and ever-confusing lands ruled by Booster.
Delicacy Status: Meat Veggie
Weight: 5-10 Pounds
Flavor Profile: Veggie & Chicken
Chef's Tip: Artichokers can be both a salad and a main course!
Let's start with the plant portion of the Artichoker – long, leafy greens that despite their thin appearance have a crunch similar to a celery stalk. The leaves are strange, though. Despite being dead, for at least a week after picking, if you set Artichoker leaves out in specifically the rising sun, the leaves will still produce a sweet dew as if still trying to lure in prey. More peculiar is that the leaves do this even if you've already cooked them. You can roast these leaves in with a little bit of salt and dry them. Then, if you set them outside as the sun rises, they'll still produce the dew. It's very strange. It only happens if they're outside and facing the sun. I have no idea how this works, and it's honestly a little concerning, but the dew tastes delicious. It's sort of like a slightly less sweet honeysuckle, or similar in taste to an imported Honeywisp egg. With a little salt, it's the perfect sweet and salty healthy snack. Or you can mix the leaves in with some mixed vegetables and make a perfect salad, with the sweetness of the dew negating the need for additional dressing! One important detail when handling an Artichoker - make sure you're wearing cut-resistant gloves and thoroughly wash the leaves to remove any traces of poison spores from them. Do not trust any supplier who tells you the leaves have already been cleaned! Trust me, you don't want to ingest Artichoker poison. It won't kill you unless you eat a lot of it, but it will make you very sick and it's a lingering sickness that can last for days. But as long as you thoroughly clean the leaves, you'll be fine!
Now for the main course - the animal behind the leaves of an Artichoker. For this part, you're going to want to wear rubber gloves while cleaning the Artichoker, because the main body of a fresh Artichoker emits a constant stream of static electricity. I don't really understand how this works or why its dead body would emit constant electricity when a living Artichoker only uses it to stun prey. I can only guess that it's a slow seeping out of residual electricity stored up? I don't know; things are odd out in Booster land. Just make sure you're wearing rubber gloves. To start, you're going to want to carve off the inedible parts of the Artichoker, such as the lips and its weirdly big eyes. The Artichoker body is, similarly to a reptile, covered in scales, so you're going to want to take a potato peeler and carefully descale the main body. Now, you're going to want to do this very carefully. We're only trying to take the scales off. There's a fine layer of skin under the scales that we don't want to take off because we're trying to keep the Artichoker as contained as possible. Now, this is going to take care of most of the electricity, but there's still going to be a faint residue of static, so because of this we're going to avoid boiling it. Introducing large amounts of water to an Artichoker is just asking for an electrical fire!
Instead, what I like to do is roast an Artichoker over an open fire, sort of like a pig. There are two main ways you can do this. The first one is, if you're not going to use the leaves for anything else, wrap the leaves tightly around the Artichoker and set them in the rising sun. This will let the sweet, sweet dew of the leaves soak into the meat of the Artichoker. Not only that, but the leaves of the Artichoker will act as an insulator, preventing the electricity from the Artichoker from going wild and potentially shocking you or your guest. After it has soaked up dew, set it over a fire and slowly rotate it for 30 minutes, keeping in mind that because of the electricity being activated by the dew of the leaves the Artichoker will cook faster than normally. Then, after 30 minutes, pull off the fire, let set for 20 minutes, and then you can serve a delicious main course that will taste a lot like sweet chicken (like many reptiles, Artichokers taste similar to the common chicken).
The other method takes longer but offers different flavors. First, stuff the Artichoker's mouth with apples, carrots, and potatoes. Next, wrap the Artichoker tightly with aluminum foil. For an added bonus, I like to cover the foil in Honey BBQ sauce so that the sauce will seep into the meat! You don't have to use Honey BBQ; you can use any sauce you like! Or no sauce! With the Artichoker wrapped tightly, we're going to place it over the fire in a metal basket. If you have a poultry basket, that'll be about the right size and work great for rotating. If not, any metal basket will do, just pick one you can rotate easily and which won't burn you. We want it to be barely touching the flames. Then, you're going to rotate it (again, slowly) for two hours, because we're really trying not to burn this. All the flavors will meld together to make a delicious, almost roast chicken-like flavor, and as a bonus you can serve the apples, potatoes, and carrots as you will! Some people put onions in the Artichoker, but I'm not a fan of onions, so I do not. After two hours, pull the Artichoker off the fire, peel off the foil, and you'll have a delicious roast Artichoker whose meat almost falls right off the bones! Serve with a side salad made of Artichoker leaves, and you'll have the perfect all-in-one-meal to impress even the most snooty of guests!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 232 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
