The 'Shroom:Issue 231/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! Fun fact for you today, someone submitted the entirety of Fake News from Issue 231 to Poochy's Picks way back in October 2024. Not sure if we've got a time traveler on our hands or just someone with great expectations for the page you're about to read specifically, but hopefully it lives up to the hype!
We've got some guest sections, which seems to be the norm around here these days! I love it, keep 'em coming. Shoey (talk) has written a News Flush about an ancient rival of The 'Shroom, and ClawgripFan9001 continues his Diddy Kong Redemption movement with another edition of Character Parade! In our usual fare, TV Tomorrow is taking the month off, so we'll have to make do with reruns until MightyMario gets back, and The Spectral Lens went a little too spectral and is entirely invisible, but the rest of the gang's all here!
If you're interested in joining Fake News, we're always happy for more additions to the team's repertoire! Stop by our sign up page to get started on an application, or if you just want to send in a one-off - perhaps a fun little News Flush story or showing off a made-up character in Character Parade, or something completely different - you can contact me privately with your submission and I'll help you get things sorted.
Don't forget to vote in the Awards!
Section of the Month
First place this month goes to Legend 8 and Boo1268 for the first half of their collaboration in The Sorcery Show! And in second place, we have a three-way tie between The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide by TheBlueCatMenace with a look at the many stops of the Cloudtop Cruise, a guest edition of Weather Forecast from Goombuigi (talk), and the latest round of television programs courtesy of MightyMario (talk) in TV Tomorrow. Thank you to everyone who voted, and please continue supporting your favorite sections through SOTM and Poochy's Picks!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Sorcery Show | 7 | 20.59% | Legend 8 and Boo1268 |
| 2nd | The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide | 5 | 14.71% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 2nd | Weather Forecast | 5 | 14.71% | Goombuigi (talk) |
| 2nd | TV Tomorrow | 5 | 14.71% | MightyMario (talk) |
Written by: Parshoe G. Shoelow (talk)
'Shroom Rival Declares Bankruptcy
The printing wars officially ended this month as The Disconnected declared bankruptcy. Originally published by The Userpedia Group, The Disconnected was a monthly magazine designed to compete with The 'Shroom. The Disconnected's main hook was that its stories were more personal in nature, focusing primarily on stories based on the ongoings of users. This stood in contrast to The 'Shroom, which at the time was seen as a stuffier publication with content guidelines primarily focusing on New Wikisburg issues and a prohibition on covering anything that wasn't Mario-related.
The Disconnected also decided to eschew the traditional newspaper format of The 'Shroom, instead opting for a more sleek and modern magazine format. For its first few months, The Disconnected was quite popular, with its offbeat style allowing its writers to insert more flavor than could be found in its plain and pallid rival. Initial enthusiasm for its fresh approach saw it fly off the shelves.
Unfortunately, the good times would be short-lived. The loosening of The 'Shroom's content standards as well as increased competition to attract writers saw The Disconnected quickly blow through the money The Userpedia Group had allocated for it. Consistent staff shake-ups saw it blow through Director after Director, with the churning delaying issues and causing readership to plummet until the magazine was put on hiatus. That hiatus now appears to be a permanent one, with the final Director of The Disconnected, Super Luigi! Number One!, putting out the following statement:
Unfortunately, it's time we say goodbye to The Disconnected. While I have been diligent in attempting to secure funding to keep The Disconnected going, we have exhausted all available options. In light of this, sadly, I feel there is no option other than to announce that The Disconnected has filed for bankruptcy and there will be an immediate and complete cessation of any efforts to keep it going. While I am saddened by the end of The Disconnected, I'm still proud of all the issues we put out and the efforts of our wonderfully talented writers.
When this reporter asked 'Shroom Director Waluigi Time his thoughts on The 'Shroom's victory over The Disconnected, the seemingly-confused Waluigi Time replied "The Disconnected? What's that?". When I reminded him that The Disconnected was The 'Shroom's main journalistic rival, there was a long pause before a somewhat baffled Waluigi Time finally said "Ohhh, The Disconnected. What has it been? Sixteen years since they put out an issue? Pretty sure Cobold was still an administrator the last time they did anything! Don't waste my time talking about that ancient history. Some of us have work to do!"
With the death of The Disconnected, the printing wars have officially come to an end, closing not with a bang, but with a whimper. Though it appears that The 'Shroom's staff didn't even know the war was still ongoing!
Dry Dry Data
Written by: DryBonesBandit (talk)
Hello again, my dear readers, and I welcome you back to another edition of Dry Dry Data. I, Dry Bones Bandette, bring you more knowledge of the world's species today. It is not summer yet, but it feels as though it is, so naturally, I have selected one of the most ridiculously high temperature creatures to cover today, being the Hothead (cindus minor). Not much to say that hasn't been said, so let's dive in.
The Adventure
Having returned home from the Flower Kingdom after my last adventure, and not wanting to travel back again, once I decided upon the subject I bought a plane ticket to the independent nation of World-e (bit of an odd name but I'm not judging). The advanced technology of the land allowed me to teleport to a nearby plateau bursting with pipes, said to be the home of the sparky species I was looking for.
When I arrived, it took me a small bit to navigate the maze-like plumbing; I nearly got scorched by a Fire Snake along the way. It took me a while to realize that I could just fly around all of it as it had no walls. It still took me a while of searching to find where the fiery creatures resided, but I happened upon the eyesore of a pipe eventually. (Why is it green. Literally every other pipe in the place is purple. Do better.)
In a cavernous spot, I flew around the echoey cave, following the sound of crackling electricity until I happened upon a great many Li'l Sparkies along the piping; I picked one up with my rubber gloves for a source of light along the way. While these smaller fellows were certainly useful, they were not the ones I was looking for. I heard a louder crackling noise behind a brick wall, but I was unable to break it myself. Having given up, I turned right around and accidentally slammed the Sparky I was holding into another; to my surprise, the two melded into one larger fellow. Realizing what I was looking at, I began taking my notes.
The Analysis
Hotheads, named for their appearance and composition, appear to be balls of electricity. Many have made assumptions about these guys in the past; Li'l Sparkies, which are just lone versions of these, were once assumed to be a relative species (Hotheads were assumed to be a “cindus major”). In truth, Hotheads are just clusters of Li'l Sparkies, huddled together for strength. Also notable is how they are believed to be fiery ghosts; while understandable, given how they look, I was able to reach my gloved hand into their shocking aura and managed to touch something solid within. (I pet the Hothead, naturally. It enjoyed this. Might make for a good pet.) It seems as though they are not specters, but just animals with a protective electrical layer. Their strength is amplified by hotter environments such as deserts and volcanoes, which is where they are typically found; they also tend to prefer darker areas due to their glow.
As for their behavior, Hotheads are famous for their wall-crawling activity. These shocking spheres move around by moving along solid surfaces, typically ceilings, walls, and floors. While in clusters, they move more sluggishly, which doesn't do them much harm when nothing can attack them. However, by their lonesome, they are much more agile and capable of moving in other ways; Li'l Sparkies have been seen floating for short periods of time and bouncing along the floor in some instances. Li'l Sparkies and Hotheads are not heavy and can be picked up by anyone when still, demonstrating control over their shocking exteriors; when thrown, they appear to be loyal to the launcher and harm anyone besides them. Attacking a Hothead will cause it to absorb the energy you put into the attack and strengthen its damage output. They are also capable of paralyzing their foes, an ability they learn naturally at a young age. Last, historical events show they possess an immunity to the Vibe Scepter; while the cause for this is unknown, it probably has to do with, well, y'know.
They are kind and loyal creatures if treated right! Just be careful with them.
The End
Thanks for reading another edition of my section; I appreciate all of my readers and the time they take to see what I've written! Be sure to catch the next edition in Issue 233, and as always, leave a suggestion in my talk page or on the Super Mario Boards, and see you next time.
Star Ratings
Written by: BigBoom1946
Hello everyone and welcome back to Star Ratings, your one stop shop for info on video game cosmology. In case anyone's wondering, yes I have talked to Boo1268 and he said that so long as I put some mind-control blockers I should be fine. Now, where was I? Ah yes, telling everyone what we will be covering today. The place we will be covering is rather unusual, in that it's not really a place, more of a space between dimensions. I found the place when I accidentally hit "shuffle" on the ship's hyperdrive. To be honest, I think that I'm stuck there. Allow me to introduce Ultra Space!
Overview
Ultra Space appears to be a place between dimensions with small holes peppered through which each lead to other universes. It's not really got anything in it so the rest of the section will be about some universes I found.
Ultra Desert
This universe appears to only consist of a large desert peppered with strange crystals. There appear to be no man-made structures, with the only known lifeforms being tall, humanoid insects that resemble cockroaches. These creatures appear to loathe dirt and will run at speeds approaching 120 miles per hour if they sense it. When Scrippy attempted to communicate with them he appeared to be stunned when he approached one. Later analysis confirmed that the creatures emanate pheromones which prevent opposing lifeforms from attacking. It is for this reason that I named these creatures "Bug-people that spray pheromones at enemies".
Ultra Jungle
The next universe I visited appeared to be a large jungle with massive trees that resembled headless men and natural vine bridges connecting the trees. The main life I found was a species of large, four-legged humanoid mosquitos that resembled bodybuilders, with large blood sacks that resembled muscles. As strange as this sounds, I'm not making this up. When I first encountered the species, one specimen was feeding on a beast, guzzling down its blood. For this reason I am naming the species "Muscular Mosquitos".
Ultra Forest
This particular dimension is notable for being the only one (outside of my home dimension, of course) to contain intelligent life, in the form of old men who appear to have trained this universe's other inhabitant, an origami-like creature that the locals call Kartana . One of the old men challenged me to something called a "Pokemon Battle" which apparently means that they have creatures battle each other until one is knocked unconscious. It is quite similar to a sport on my home planet called Krikkit, only a lot less violent.
Conclusion
Ultra Space is a very weird place, and also can someone get me out of here please?
Hopefully see you next time and don't forget to post on the forums what planet you want me to cover next!
Written by: Letter Kong
Nice to have you back here once more, my carefree jungle brethren. I am Letter Kong, and I couldn't be happier to have you join me here today for the next Fake News piece in The ‘Shroom's year long 2026 Diddy Kong Redemption movement, dedicated to seeking justice for our scorned simian sidekick, Didrick “Diddy” Kong after the indignity that was committed against him in Donkey Kong Bananza. Word has reached my Kongly ears that records of Diddy's biological parents have emerged recently, and I just so happen to have managed to get my hands on a couple of copies of said records, which I will be showing you today in what could possibly be the second Character Parade section in years, after Wallace Ulysses' entry during last year's Year of Waluigi lineup. It seems that after the section was renamed to Character Parade all the way back in Issue 50, or L in Roman numbering, no ‘Shroom writer had apparently expressed interest in writing an entry of the section afterward, but fortunately, there appear to be volunteers such as Wallace Ulysses and myself to change that. Though I am getting a tad off-track here, so feast your eyes on these files of Diddy Kong's biological parents!
Terrance “Terry” Kong
Diddy Kong's dear old papa. At least, he would have been, had he been involved in the poor monkey's life. But since he and Diddy's mother, Jocie accidentally conceived the boy during a one night stand, he was unaware of having become a parent and thus never saw Jocie again, nor did he ever meet Diddy following his birth. He works as a businessman in the tropical sun-drenched paradise of Isle Delfino, specifically, the Gelato Beach area of the island, straight out of the cabana perched on top of the hills that look out over Gelato Beach doubling as his tropical island home. He's a generally laid back spidermonkey, though he is also notorious for his volatile temper that he has developed from the infinite amount of tomfoolery he has been constantly exposed to in his younger years.
Jocelyn “Jocie” Kong
Diddy Kong's dear old mama, who also happens to be the sister of Donkey Kong III, and as such, the daughter of Donkey “Jockey” Kong Jr. and the granddaughter of Donkey “Cranky” Kong Sr.. Jocie and her father are both veterans of the Puftup Gulf War, a violent and destructive military conflict that saw Jockey forced to go into hiding and Jocie being held as a prisoner of war, leaving Diddy in the care of his uncle Donkey for years on end until recent events sparked the young spidermonkey to travel to the corners of the world to break his mother out of her military prison confinements. Much like the father to her child, Jocie is a generally laid-back and kindhearted gorilla, though she too has her fair share of abrupt mannerisms and fierce temperament issues.
Well, that certainly explains as to why Diddy Kong has come to grow up to be the scrappy little simian we know him as and love him for to this very day, doesn't it? I certainly found it an enlightening experience, and I hope you did too, my Kongs-in-arms. This has been all the Diddy Kong Redemption movement thematic material for this month, so I do hope that you'll join me again next month in July, as we transition into the second half of our year-long Diddy Kong Redemption movement. I am Letter Kong, and you have been Kong-fushish-kebab'd.
Digital News
Written by: Brachiomon (talk)
Digital News - a digital version of Shell Newspaper covering all the major stories in File City and beyond!
King of Sukamon Vows No More De-Digivolutions
In an announcement that sent shockwaves throughout File Island but which has particularly alarmed File City, the King of Sukamon (more commonly known as King Sukamon) has declared through his File City Representative that he will no longer be performing his traditional service of de-Digivolving Digimon that Digivolve into Sukamon or PlatinumSukamon. Sukamon, the poop-based virus Digimon historically known to have weak stats and to learn Digiwaste-based moves, has long been considered a somewhat unwanted Digivolution. For years it was unknown what caused a Digimon to transform into Sukamon, with the data explaining it apparently having disappeared during the great calamity caused by the attack of the humans. The cause was rediscovered shortly after island hero Mameo defeated Analogman, with Factorial Town's Chief Network Maintainer Andromon announcing that recovered data indicates that filling one's Virus Meter (AKA pooping on the ground) was the cause of the unwanted Digivolutions.
Digimon who Digivolved into the unwanted Sukamon themselves were known to travel to the Dust Kingdom to beg the King of Sukamon to use his mighty Digivolution powers to transform them back into their original form. While always upset about being asked to do this and considering it an insult to his people, the King of Sukamon still performed the task. Traditionally, he performed the task free of charge, although there were reports of him charging Digimon that used the service more than once. Free or paid, that service will be coming to an end now with the King of Sukamon issuing a decree declaring the end of the service. A transcript of the statement has been provided to Shell Newspaper:
No longer shall I, the King of Sukamon, suffer the indignity of transforming Digimon back to their original form and undoing their existence as the regal and dignified Sukamon. For years, those of you not of the Dust Kingdom have looked down on the mighty Sukamon. You refer to our lands as the Trash Kingdom, you fill your lands with toilets to deprive us of our pleasures, and the only time you seek out the Sukamon tribe is to insult us by saying our race isn't good enough for you! You come to me and say that you don't want to be a Sukamon! For years, I have swallowed such insults for the good of relations between those of the Dust Kingdom and those of the rest of File Island, but no longer! From now on, those of you that transform into Sukamon will stay a Sukamon. However, while I will no longer be using my powers to de-Digivolve Digimon, I will still transform those of you that wish to join the Dust Kingdom into Sukamon if you so request it!
Panic has set in throughout the island as Digimon who have always had the King of Sukamon to fall back on realize they will no longer have an easy out if their Virus Meter fills up. Realizing that now there is an actual consequence attached to the Virus Meter, many of the island's inhabitants rushed to the city to purchase portable toilets. In the rush, the Item Shop quickly ran out. Riots ensued as Digimon of various Virus Meter levels fought for a dwindling number of portable toilets, terrified by the thought of turning into a Sukamon and being forced to remain a Sukamon for the rest of their lives!
Island hero Mameo and his current Digimon Airdramon even trekked to the Dust Kingdom to attempt to negotiate with the King of Sukamon, but they were coldly and curtly rebuffed by the proud king. An emergency meeting by the town council was called to attempt to fast track the building of more toilets throughout the city. How quickly the council can implement their plan remains unclear, but one thing is for certain. Every Digimon is going to have to take on far more personal responsibility to avoid Digivolving into a Sukamon.
Diggin' Up Dirt
Written by: Spooks Booley (talk)
Monopolized Munitions
Hey, it's your guy again, Spooks Booley. So recently I was browsing one of my favorite message boards when I happened to stumble across a personal request for the old Spookster to do some diggin', and you know me, I ain't one to shy away from crackin' open a conspiracy. Seems like I can't stay away from exposing royalty, because today I'm talkin' about the so-called lord of all blasting matter, King Bob-omb, and his relationship to Mr. Monopoly. You ever seen two guys with near-identical mustaches like that? Well let me tell you, it ain't coincidence.
So, I got this picture here of Mr. Monopoly hangin' out with Mario himself there. Probably struck a deal to build some hotels on those old Mario Party boards, I dunno. Context doesn't matter. We don't need it here. We just need the picture. You lookin' at it? You better be lookin' at it, because I'm about to make a real important point about it. So memorize it, and then eat it.
...That last part was a joke, by the way. I can make 'em. If you didn't get it, then take whatever you're readin' this on out of your mouth and smack yourself for being so stupid. This column is for sharp people. So if we're all on the same page here, allow me to present my next piece of evidence.
Here I got this picture of Mario fightin' with King Bob-omb on the ol' mountain. You notice anything interesting about these two pictures? Mr. Monopoly ain't much bigger than Mario, and King Bob-omb's big enough that you could probably fit another Mario inside of him. The answer? King Bob-omb is fake! We all know Bob-ombs are mechanical! He's been a mech piloted by Mr. Monopoly! And you heard it here first. But he's too proud of his 'stache to cover it up so he put another one on the outside of the mech. Dead giveaway, moneypants. Maybe you're wondering why he's not trying to charge Mario rent just for steppin' foot on the mountain, but need I remind you that this whole thing is a secret? If Mr. Monopoly still acted like Mr. Monopoly in the King Bob-omb suit that would just be dumb!
You want more proof? I got more proof! Look at this picture! It's got two King Bob-ombs in it at the same time! How can two guys be king of the Bob-ombs at the same time? They can't! You can only have one king, that's the law! And look, they're gettin' blown up for sport. Obviously they're just spare mechs, 'cause you gotta have a backup plan when your ride can just explode. Kinda makes you wonder why Mr. Monopoly picked one like that when he could've been, I dunno, a giant Bully or something. Maybe he's stupid. Or maybe Bowser just really needed someone to lead his Bob-ombs in battle so he was just like "hey, take it or leave it"? What is the relationship between Mr. Monopoly and Bowser anyway? Maybe I didn't think through all the implications of this... This goes deep! Or maybe to the top? I dunno. Either way, it's big! Looks like I gotta do more diggin'.
Oh yeah, and someone also asked about that guy on the Pringles can. Let me straighten things out for you. The Pringles guy is NOT related to Mr. Monopoly and King Bob-omb, okay? He's a floating head and his mustache is brown, not white! But you know who else has a mustache and a floating head? Yeah, that's right, Mario. Really makes you think, doesn't it. But I don't wanna get off-topic here so that'll be something for another day. Anyway, now you know the truth about these guys. Stay sharp.
The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
Water Park: Drowning In Problems
It's me. You know who it is. It's me, Bar D. Jokue. Have you ever noticed how much this world sucks for vacationing? All the major locations seem to be prone to kart races, or Bowser attacks, or other miscellaneous issues. It's as if the only locations that matter are ones notable enough to be featured in a videogame or something…
Anyway, that thought comes to mind as I travel back from the latest and not greatest location I'm reviewing…Water Park! Perhaps the worst name ever conceived. Well, I suppose it's not bad…just uncreative. Anyway, this place is a boring, dangerous and expensive amusement park that moonlights as a kart racing track. This is gonna be an interesting one. Strap in…
Basic Information
Water Park is a surprisingly old place, established way back in 1987 by Wario and Waluigi. The park has evolved considerably over the years, gaining popularity after it introduced the Sub Coaster, a ride in the authentic Marine Pop (a submarine they stole from Mario after he used it in his journey to beat Tatanga). Nowadays, while the Marine Pop unfortunately blew up in a Wario related accident, they've introduced a new, modern submarine along with a slew of other mediocre rides for your unenjoyment.
Rides
Yep, time to talk about the rides. There aren't that many, which just further confuses me how Water Park is still even making money.
Sub Coaster
The pride and joy of the park. Despite the fact it hasn't been any fun in about 25 years, the marketing still heavily leans into this ride as a cutting edge innovation and fun like you've never before experienced it. To be fair, that may be because Wario refuses to make any new advertisements and just keeps rerunning the ones from 1980. All that aside though, this is a slow, tedious and unexciting attraction that boils down to you sitting there for five minutes as you meander your way through a sparsely decorated artificial environment until you're released. So, an average amusement park ride then (Surely that was a relatable, relevant joke that appeals to our target audience, right?).
Aqua Cups
Sub Coaster but you go in circles. There, I said it. It's like those teacup rides, except underwater. WHOA SO RADICAL!!!!!1!!!! And that's not all, you get to listen to nightmarish, repetitive carousel music while you ride. Whoa, so radical. Yeah, and you can't get on and off. As far as I can tell, the entrances and exits were demolished years ago. There are Nokis on there who forgot what oxygen is like cause they've been stuck there for so long!
Wario Wheel
A ferris wheel but WARIO themed. One half of the carriages have a pattern like Wario's overalls, the other, Mario's. Don't know why the big W would decorate the ride with his rival's colours, but who knows what goes on inside that guy's head. Anyway, this is a dangerous, dangerous ride, but I won't explain why now because that's for a different part of the travel guide.
Hotel
I'm grasping at straws for stuff to talk about, okay? Anyway, this is a surprisingly nice hotel, for Wario and Waluigi. You'd expect them to run some kind of ramshackle crappy motel, but this is a pretty luxurious and interesting hotel, with an aquarium, multiple underwater tunnels leading to lookouts, a wonderful view and nice furniture. Honestly, the best part of the whole park. Too bad it costs approximately a billion coins to stay…
Waluigi Sea Bed(?)
Okay, what is this? Everyone I asked just replied: "Isn't it obvious? It's the Waluigi Sea Bed. Now please put away the gun-" All I can see of it is a white wooden structure that emerges from a cliff then goes back into another cliff, with a giant Waluigi Sea Bed sign on the side. Is this even real? Am I just going insane?! WHAT THE HECK IS WALUIGI SEA BED?!?!
Dangers
Hmm, what might be dangerous at Water Park? Could it be, perhaps, the WATER?! Often when you're submerged in this park, the only thing between you and the water is a thin layer of glass. What if Guy accidentally sings a high note during our weekly choir rehearsal inside the Sub Coaster submarine and the water comes flooding in and we get swept away into Waluigi Sea Bed?! It's a common complaint!
We all knew about the water dangers, though. They're low hanging fruit, so to say. What I really want to talk about is kart racing. It's as if 70 million people and rising are all trying to have a kart race at the same time! You're bound to see at least thirty races pass you on a ride in the Sub Coaster, with all of them slamming into the wheels because it "provides a speed boost" and items flying everywhere, including bombs! A blue shell took out the riders in front of Guy and I when we went on, just cause they were in first! Who approved this oh wait it was Wario of course he would. You know what…never mind.
Reviews
"This park sucks. Buy The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide instead. 0/10" - ProbablynotBarDJokue
"I second the other guy. 0/10" - ImprobablynotBarDJokue
"SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 0/10" - Anokiwhoisstucikintheaquacupsatwaterpark
Feedback
Hello everyone! It's me, Guy. You may remember last month I opened up this travel guide to feedback after reading an ancient prophecy that said to do so. Shockingly, we did get some responses! Hopefully, Mr. Jokue reads these carefully, thoughtfully taking the comments to heart. Oh who am I kidding, he's just gonna complain about them. Welp, over to you, Bar.
"Bring Cosmo back! The way he writes travel guides is more entertaining!"
Who is this even from? Clearly, whoever sent this was far too afraid to insult in name, so they did it anonymously instead. Bring Cosmo back? He writes more entertaining travel guides? What isn't entertaining about mine? They're basically the same, they both have bad puns and pictures and…uh…words. See! They're practically the exact same thing. It's almost like we're both being controlled by the same being…
"I say chap, what's all this, hm? It's nearing time for my annual summer holiday, and this agency's gone right down the tubes! Telling us where not to visit? Now what do you expect me to do with that, old bean? I can't choose from the hundreds of potential destinations out there like that! It's balderdash, balderdash I say! When's Cosmo coming back? Now there's a chap who knows how to write a proper travel guide, eh wot?" -Woodrow Oakley
Alright you sap, clearly you should leaf this conversation, cause you don't know wood you're talking about. I'm board of your posh attitude, and to be plank, of you. You're barking up the wrong tree, and are going down the wrong root. I wood suggest you carve out a new life for yourself, maybe start workshopping some stuff…Okay, that last one was pretty bad, but eucalyptus don't know how pineful it is to come up with these puns.
"These travel guides are really lazily written, and Cosmo did so much more professionally. So my suggestion is to return Cosmo to his position of writer of this guide." - Wally the Baby Rhinoceros
Did I read that right? A baby rhinoceros? A baby rhinoceros thinks they can criticize the product of my labours? I don't know who you think you are, but I suppose I'll humour you. Hmm…Lazily written? I put nearly ten minutes into this travel guide! And what exactly is unprofessional about these? Bringing in your personal life to a travel guide is completely professional. Right?
"Hey, Jokuey! Love the concept, but your execution's all wrong! No one wants to read a travel column where you just talk about how mediocre some random locale is, but they'll watch it if you put it on TV! That's right, we're making it bigger, we're making it better! We'll travel to the worst places imaginable and show them in full detail being horrible! Maybe even stage some stuff of our own if the episode doesn't feel exciting enough yet. I've always said ethics in entertainment is highly overrated. And of course, me as your ultra-charismatic host! I don't have to be some kind of Old Psychic Lady With The Evil Eye Who Reads Fortunes And Knows Everything Before It Happens to tell you this is a ratings gold mine! So what do you say?" -Teller Vision
Hmm…You know what, this seems like an excellent idea! Everyone give Tee Vee a round of applause…Can I call you that? Eh, I don't care. This is what I've been looking for! The extra spice to make my travel guides 100%, totally way better than Cosmo's! Uh, not that mine aren't already totally way better than Cosmo's. It's just…uh…some dumb dummies think they aren't! Yeah! Though, clearly I should be the host, but you can be, like, co-host or something. I'll get my people to call your people.
Conclusion
Hey, it's Guy, just sifting through these angry letters about the lack of a souvenir section…How did these get here already? The section hasn't even come out yet/just came out/has actually been out for a long while! Thank you to the brave souls who sent us feedback, it is appreciated by me, at least. Bar D. Jokue is still fuming about it, though he keeps saying "TV…It's perfect!" under his breath…Anyway, we're still accepting new ones, so if you want to complain at Bar D. Jokue you have not missed your chance. As always, if you want to suggest stuff for the section, contact us on the forums, and we'll see you next month!
Written by: Legend 8
The Sorcery Show
Episode 30: Return To Multiversal Madness - Part Two
It's a beautiful- oh no, wait. Right. Last episode, after meeting a sentient portal businessman named Mr. Warp, our heroes travelled to his company HQ in another dimension to aid him in an experiment requiring Pyro's antilogical powers. However, they soon found themselves fighting a horde of glitched factory robots, and after clearing two of the affected sectors, Kroop overheard an ominous conversation…
Still in the chamber with the conversants and the many documents, Kroop now returns to the papers and open files lying around, his fire illuminating the dark room barely enough to see them.
Kroop: Something's really off about this place…
He flips through various files, looking for anything suspicious to help him understand what he just overheard. However, they all contain seemingly normal things. Until…
Kroop: Wait. I know those people! That's Bhantomius, and there's Frikrates! And the others! What are their faces doing here?
...he turns another page, to suddenly find himself staring at a familiar face! Below the portrait of the Boo antilogician, he sees the words “APPROVED FOR IMPLEMENTATION”. And as he looks further, he finds even more files about Pyro's colleagues, all of them marked in the same way… Unfortunately though, Kroop is unable to investigate any more - he is suddenly teleported into Pyro's hands, who has arrived at sector D3 in the meantime.
Kroop: Wh- hey!! I was looking at something really important! There were ominous people talking, and files about-
Already involved in a heated battle, Pyro simply bonks Kroop against another corrupted Mender robot, trying to reboot it like last time. However, the Mender isn't done yet, and this time, there's a lot more haywire machines around.
Mender: MISSING ENERGY REGULATION; OVERHEATING: 300%; EM.OT. COMPONENT BROKEN. REPLACE IMMEDIATELY! HELP! HELP!
Surrounded by two drones, a turret and a Mender, Pyro dodges left and right, avoiding the drones' paralyzing darts while focusing on the turret. Meanwhile, the Explainer tries to pin down the out-of-control Mender in his semi-physical form.
Kroop: But you gotta listen to me! I found-
Before Kroop can continue, the turret launches another shot, hitting him square in the skull and knocking him out cold.
Pyro: What did you say? Sorry, I wasn't listening.
Pyro, focus! Do something!
Pyro: Oh yeah right, I almost forgot about that. Time for more shenanigans!
Creating two miniature tornados, Pyro slams the drones together, then dodges another bullet, rips the turret out of the ground with his mind and throws it into a spatial rift, and finally glues the final corrupted Mender to the ceiling using conjured Gloop.
Pyro: Ha! Warp was right - it's all a matter of how much flour you put in it.
Oh wow. I didn't know you could actually fight REASONABLY.
Mender: THE COMPANY IS A LIE! THE UNIVERSE IS A LIE! BUY GOLD! PLEASE CALL FOR REPAIRS.
Pyro: Would it be disrespectful to use Kroop as a bonking tool while he is k.o.?
Yeah, probably.
Pyro: Fine… then I'll just have to yeet a table at the thing or something.
Pyro psionically yeets a table at the Mender, deactivating it as it yells nonsense.
Mender: SECRET CONSPIRACY! SECRET CONSPIRACY! THEY'RE OUT TO GET YOU AL- *Powering down* ....Reboot complete! Have a nice day.
Pyro: Ooh, conspiracies are fun! Can I join?
Uh, Pyro, I think it's deactivated.
Pyro: Whoops. I must have hit it not hard enough then…
Kroop: Owww… were you talking about my head? Because it certainly feels like the opposite of not hard enough!!
Pyro: He's awake? Oh man, I should have just waited a minute and then used Kroop again.
Kroop: Hey! I'm not a Hammer Bro's skull, you know! And not a hammer either!
Hey, uh, we should really get back to Mr. Warp. He's probably waiting for us already!
As they return to the main lab, Mr. Warp is there as expected, waiting for the trio with a smile on his face.
Mr. Warp: My friends! Welcome back! You seem to be doing well, hope those bots didn't give you all too much trouble.
Pyro: Nothing a few firebal- uhhh I mean other spells couldn't handle!
So are we beginning with your main project now?
Mr. Warp: Absolutely, right this way gentlemen - I'll show you where the MAGIC happens.
Mr. Warp guides our heroes to the huge main testing area. The walls are lined with enormous test tubes, and while it is already highly modern, scaffolding and construction equipment indicate that the room is still missing its finishing touches. Alongside a slew of deadpan scientists, strange machinery and plenty of clipboards, there is a large glass tube filled with a strange purple, almost maroon-ish substance, swirling like gas but rather liquid in form, near the center of the room. Pyro and Co can see that multiple machines are plugged into it, with long pipes going along the back wall.
Pyro: Ooh! Is that marmalade?
I wonder what exactly is being tested here…
Mr. Warp: Well my friends, wonder no longer… Behold the power of ANTILOGIC!
As Mr. Warp says that, a nearby microwave suddenly activates and begins forming something inside itself. It dings, and the microwave door flings open - revealing a full WATERMELON inside!
Kroop: Oh yeah, it really is antilogic. Why else would you make a watermelon? They're all watery and, and, and... melony! Ew!
Hey you two, stop joking around, this is actually pretty interesting. I've never seen such precise control over their element from any of the antilogicians we know! How did you accomplish this?
Mr. Warp: Impressive, is it not? After MANY hours of research, scouring books like these, we've been able to concentrate antilogic into a physical form. And this machine can use it to create ANYTHING and everything!
While Mr. Warp is talking, he picks up a very ancient looking book: a “powerful” instruction guide on antilogic (which is really just a level 2 antilogic guidebook for students).
Pyro: Oh, the Theorema Nonlogica? That brings back memories!
Mr. Warp: But now, with YOUR help, we can extend our knowledge even further! Soar to NEW heights! We might even be able to gain more of a grasp on how to maintain and harness this essence.
Pyro: Okay… What do you need me to do?
Mr. Warp: Firstly, my friend, we need to do a medical examination of you and your allies. It's standard procedure around here, to ensure the safety of our scientists. You don't want a lawsuit after all, am I right?
Kroop: Don't expect to get much outta me, but apart from that, fine I guess?
Pyro: Yeah, no problem!
How does that work for me though?
Mr. Warp: Just step inside this test tube. The glass is able to contain beings on another plane, we had to enhance its strength due to…complications in the past.
Oh, okay. So how long will this test take?
Kroop: Oh yeah, wait! There was something I wanted to tell you guys earlier, something very unusual I found when we were-
Mr. Warp: *Ahem* I'm very sorry to interrupt gentlemen. But, could this wait till AFTER the examination? It will only take a minute.
Kroop: Fine, I guess.
As the test tube lowers from the wall, Pyro, Kroop & the Explainer are all hoisted up in the tube and inserted back into the wall. The machine then begins to scan them, followed by a “ding” sound. A robotic voice announces: “Antidata confirmed: BEGINNING EXTRACTION”.
Pyro: I'm sure that's a good sign!
Then, Pyro is interrupted as the test tubes suddenly lock shut.
Mr. Warp: Excellent. Make sure to suck out every last drop! We need as MUCH antilogic essence as we can get.
Kroop and the Explainer stare in disbelief, banging against the glass trying to warn Pyro, but he remains oblivious as the extraction machines come alive, whirring and scraping.
Mr. Warp: Ah…I just LOVE the sound of a project being put into action! Killing three birds with one stone, wouldn't you say gentlemen?
(muffled) Well technically it's four - your project and us three…
???: He was talking about OUR goals, you ignorant FOOL!
Just then, two of the LAST people Pyro and Co. expected to meet here emerge from another door in the lab: SPARKY & MIND MASTER! In his test tube, Pyro's eyes grow bigger in shock as he starts to realize what is happening here…
Sparky: Hey beta males! Remember me? You can't get rid of a SIGMA MALE that easily!
Kroop rolls his glowing eyes and proceeds to hurl insults at the glass, unfortunately unheard. The Explainer simply shakes his head in frustration.
Mind Master: How about we turn on the speaker of our, “willing participants”, wouldn't you say Z?
Mr. Warp: I couldn't agree more my friend!
After pushing a few buttons, Mr. Warp turns on the speaker for Pyro's test tube. Kroop gets even more frustrated, since he is still not allowed to insult the villains, but Pyro takes the opportunity to speak.
Pyro: Okay, uh, test, test? Yeah, seems to be working. Ahem. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS??
Mr. Warp: Why? Haven't you gathered the reason by now?
Pyro: Well yeah but I wanted to sound dramatic. Anyways, I fully understand the advantages of villainy and taking over the world and I could give you a few useful tips, so maybe could you let us free so we can talk things out? Please?
Mr. Warp: HA! Never… for you see, dear Pyro, the reason I'm doing this is simple. After SO MANY years of making portal devices and tech, I wanted to EXPAND my corporation to new heights! Improve the lives of more people, and make more of a profit in the process! However, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find a way to make that a reality. That was when Mr. Master came along, stumbling into my laboratory through a strange crystal.
Mind Master: Correct…As you three fools might already know, after my defeat at the hands of Cosmo and his band of CURSED CATS, I escaped, although trapped in a prison of my making. I traversed through the void till I eventually found this place.
Pyro: Huh, cats? What exactly are you- Oh well, regardless, it appears there's a lot of plotlines converging right now… how exciting! And, uh, Sparky, what are you doing here?
Sparky: Well beta, after I was UNFAIRLY arrested thanks to that FLUFFY FREAK, Cloudude, I was stuck in prison for a few days. Eventually, the SIGMA MALE escaped, thanks in part to Mind Nerd over there.
Mind Master: Indeed… And as for my motivations, they're rather obvious. I vowed revenge on YOU and your STUPID CREW, Pyro! I want to see you SUFFER, which is why I chose to help Mr. Warp DRAIN you of all your life force and your antilogical powers! Now, I will finally get my revenge on you three for WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!
Pyro: What we…? Uh, I mean, I know everything's usually my fault in some way but wasn't it those knight guys who beat you back then? Or did I miss anything?
Mind Master: HOW DO YOU NOT- RAUGH! Forget it! As long as I get to see you suffer, that's enough for me.
Mr. Warp: Don't worry, you'll get your revenge soon enough. Anyhow. It was through Mr. Mind Master here repaying my kindness, that I finally learnt about your powers of antilogic. How they could create matter from nothing! Destroy things in an instant! Make the impossible POSSIBLE!
Pyro: Well uh, I kinda know all that already, but carry on, every villain has to get their time in the spotlight. You're doing good!
Mr. Warp: As if YOU could teach me anything, you simpleton! And stop interrupting me! Anyways. As soon as I found out about your abilities, I simply HAD to have them! With this newfound power, I can expand my company even further! No longer will the world need to buy their food and produce from farms not owned by the company! No longer will they need to live in houses constructed by others! Your powers, in the hands of Warp Corp, would have the potential to stop world hunger by just MAKING the food out of nothing, with none of the tedious work of farming, growing or making the food! It would make our sales skyrocket, make my company BIGGER AND BETTER THAN EVER BEFORE! The WHOLE WORLD will buy Warp Corp products, eat Warp Corp food, live in Warp Corp homes and travel using Warp Corp portals… it will be PARADISE!!
Pyro: Damn… What are you planning to call your paradise?
Mr. Warp: The WARPTOPIA - owned, controlled and maintained by Warp Corp!
Thunder cracks in the sky outside to underline Warp's evil speech, and the Explainer and Kroop in their test tubes seem even more shocked than before - however, Pyro stays calm.
Pyro: Okay, a good start, but I'm sure we could think of something better if you just let me out of here… which is not happening, I know. So what now? Ah, I know! FIREBALL!!!
The fireball unspectacularly goes poof against the glass, without any effect except cartoonishly covering Pyro in soot.
Pyro: Ah. Was worth a try nonetheless. Anyways, continue.
Mr. Warp: Your interruptions are really starting to- Whatever. So, we did some research about your antilogic, gradually learning that it is FAR too chaotic to be controlled by normal means… even our most advanced mages were unable to maintain control over such a volatile power. That was until I finally realized: if we could simply SUCK the power out of you in a concentrated form, it could be mass distributed!
Pyro: Wait, that's not how it's supposed to work! Antilogic is supposed to be fun!
Mr. Warp: It will be, for me and our loyal customers! With my powerful yet simple concept, mass-producing enough antilogical essence takes nothing more than a few of your kind. And THAT is where Sparky comes in - my alternate universe counterpart.
Pyro dramatically gasps as he hears of this great reveal.
Pyro: GASP! So is he a portal too or are you just both round sentient energy?
Sparky: Well you should know, beta, all SIGMA MALES who go against the MAN and accomplish their own GRINDSET are energy-based beings! Plus I'm SUPER lucky to have an ALPHA SIGMA MALE alternate universe counterpart! I mean would you expect anything else from a SIGMA MALE like yours truly?
Pyro: Wow, uh, you know, I speak a lot of extraplanar languages, but this one I neither can nor want to understand.
Sparky: Whatever boomer…anyways, after getting busted out by Nerd Master, Warp Bro told me to use my SUPER hacker skills, to lure…a few more of you anti betas here.
Kroop: (muffled) You monster! I knew something was wrong here!
Pyro: Well, joke's on you guys - we aren't planning to stay around! Don't you remember, Master? We got Boo1268 & Specture on our side! Plus, you couldn't have POSSIBLY captured ALL of my colleagues!... right?
Mr. Warp simply laughs as he pushes a button on the main control panel - replacing all the empty test tubes on the wall with tubes filled to the brim with members of the antilogician society! And there are two additional familiar faces among them...
Boo1268: Let us out of here, you vile fiends!
Specture: RAUGH! You WON'T get away with this, Mind Master!
Pyro: GASP (AGAIN)! You trapped them! You… you actually got them all! How…?!
With a shocked expression, Pyro snapped his fingers and a DUN DUN DUNNNN sound echoed through the lab - however, he was too devastated to really find it funny…
(muffled) Wait… I know that voice. You're the Narrator! They got you too??
Bhantomius: Yes, sadly. They got us all. Somehow we all fell for the hacker idiot's tricks, and now look at what they're doing…
Oomba: They extracted marmalade from us!
Frikrates: They didn't even have the dignity to make mine potato-flavoured!
Pyro: Wait, so that wasn't actually...?! OOOHHH. Oh, damn it. I should've known from the unexplainable antilogical energy it radiated…
Kroop: (still muffled) WHAT?! You felt that, and it still didn't cross your mind earlier??
Sparky: HAHAHA! That's right, we caught you beta males easy peasey! And ALL it took was advertising free toe cream that adds toes to your feet! What a bunch of suckers!
Bhantomius: I'm really sorry, it's just, I haven't had actual toes (or feet for that matter) in a few centuries! That's what you get for being a ghost, right Boo?