The 'Shroom:Issue 231/Critic Corner
Director's Notes
It's June!!! đđđđ Happy Pride!! đĽłđđđđ We've come a long way to have simple open expression and we still have to fight for more, and fight to keep what we have! Whether Pride Month is personal to you or not the benefits of it secure a future for everyone to be allowed to love who they love, be free about who they are, and to just exist on the outside as they do inside!!!! We at Critic Corner are very familiar with expression, and do so freely, and do so monthly, and so this month we freely express once again! â¨
Thank you for voting Half-Baked Reviews May's Critic Corner Section of the Month!!! Be sure to give your love to all of our sections here, and give a shout out to our writers whether in chat or in their forum threads dedicated to their sections. Be sure to vote vote vote!
And now for my regular announcements: We've decided to implement in Critic Corner something similar to News Flush over in Fake News, where no formal sign-up application process is required for one-time or limited sections. From now on if you just want to send in a single review for something you just read, watched played, tried, whatever, you just have to send me your review privately either to me directly in chat, or in a message to me on the forum at least one week before each 'Shroom is to be released! There's no commitment or obligation to provide a full monthly section (although you absolutely can shift it into one if you so choose), just send us your thoughts on a thing and we'll feature it here! If you have any questions or curiosities about this, please feel free to ask!
As always, if you would like to help Critic Corner, we always have openings for more writers! You are free to write for sections such as Character Review and Movie Review, or really anything you'd like to do! There's no pressure to have a huge section; they can be shorter and concise! The application process is very simple, starting with reading the Sign Up page, and sending your application to MightyMario on the forum. Any idea you have is welcome, and if you have any questions or need help signing up, please feel free to reach out to myself or other 'Shroom peeps!
Section of the Month
| CRITIC CORNER SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Anton's Half-Baked Reviews | 10 | 50.00% | Hypnotoad (talk) |
| 2nd | Yoshi18 Reviews | 5 | 25.00% | Yoshi18 (talk) |
| 3rd | Book Review | 3 | 15.00% | FunkyK38 (talk) |
Yoshi18 Reviews
Hi everyone! Welcome back to Yoshi18 Reviews! This time with the 2026 Mid-Year Edition! We officially made it halfway through the year yeah. The start of 2027 is already almost closer than the start of 2026. After June 21, the days will get shorter slowly but surely. This time I have nothing more to say, so I won't keep you guys waiting! This month I'm reviewing Super Mario 3D Land! Let's get into it!
Super Mario 3D Land
This school year I decided to go back to this game and play it during the breaks at school (because the laptop (cooling) fan of my laptop I played Dolphin Emulator on broke and I've already been waiting to 9 months for it to be fixed). Anyway, as I said, I decided to get back to the game. Though this time, instead of playing casually, I decided to speedrun it. It was much fun. I broke most of my records (not all of them sadly, but some were already too perfect to be broken again). Even though World 8-
Bowser's Castle: Part 2 and Special 8-
Crown took me many tries to get right (mainly Special 8-Crown). But hey, I eventually made it through. And I made a sub-200-second time on Special 8-Crown! This game definitely gave the 3D Marios a spin to be less open world and more straightforward like the 2D ones! Which I actually kinda like. It's a fresh new approach. They also made the game easier in my opinion. While, yeah, Special 8-Crown is hard (definitely harder than the rest of the game), it's very easy to master (when not speedrunning) with the Statue Leaf. That aside though, the game has a charm for me that no other 3D Mario game has. It's more linear and 100%ing the game actually doesn't take that and isn't that hard. Not to mention you can also race against yourself to get the best time. It's pretty sad his game got overshadowed by Super Mario 3D World (like 10x more people play that than Super Mario 3D Land which is just sad). We really need more Super Mario 3D Land fans. So to anyone who hasn't played both games yet, but wants to: please play Super Mario 3D Land instead of Super Mario 3D World.
That's it for the 2026 Mid-Year Edition. I hope y'all had a great first half of 2026 and the next half will be great as well! Next time, I'm reviewing Super Mario Sunshine! Thank y'all for reading! Stay safe and cya all next time!
Completion Centre
Written by: Sentient freedom (talk)
Greetings, 'Shroom readers, you have to admit time really does fly, it is summer now, and in a surprising turn of events A NEW RAYMAN GAME HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED! Yes that limbless hero from 2014 is making a grand return and it seems to be a remaster of Rayman Legends, so take that Ubisoft haters! But in spite of all that, this review isn't about Rayman at all but instead about a game that I found of the Google Play Store called BROK the InvestiGator, so let's go into a bit more detail shall we? Also this'll be a long one so I hope you have some snacks nearby, and maybe even some slushies and ice-cream.
Personal Pathway
Now I happened to find this game on the Google Play Store on my phone while looking for games to play, and I saw it and had the Play Pass so I was all like, "Sure I'll play it." and then it instantly became another one of my favourite games, right next to all of the Dadish games.
So how does it work? Basically BROK the InvestiGator combines two different game genres that I didn't even think were possible to combine, it is a fighting game and a puzzle game combined, so imagine it like Big Brain Academy and Mortal Kombat having a baby.
But this game also has a hint of Undertale onto it as just like in that game, you can either be merciful to everyone you meet or be a genocidal maniac and kill everyone you see, which like that game influences which ending you'll get.
This game also has a hint system, but in order to get a hint, you need to find collectible ads scattered around the location with 3 per area, and not only do you get an achievement for getting all of them but you also get a post credits scene during the Canonical Ending (I'll go over those when the time comes).
Now I'm going to only go over the key characters because otherwise this'll be way too long.
- Brok - He is the protagonist of the game and is a bipedal bare-footed alligator or crocodile, it has not been disclosed. He used to be a boxer in the fighting pits but after they were closed he took up being an investigator (and handyman), and now is hired by many people for his work he currently lives in the Slums, which just like real life are unbearable to live in and the people there are suffering due to the pollution surrounding the place and have to take Toxout Pills to survive, though Brok is immune to the pollution but even he doesn't know why.
- Graff - He is the deuteragonist of the game and is the other playable character, he is a cat and is the adopted son of Brok, he is nearly an adult and is studying in the Consciousness Centre (which was formally called school) to be a Drumer (By the way just so no confusion comes, a Drumer is a person who lives in the Drums, which is basically the opposite of the Slums being a highly advanced tech-filled dome that is safe from the pollution as is a Slumer is somebody who lives in the Slums), and if you're deft enough you can make his dreams come true.
- The Tramp - He is a muskrat that is suffering because of an incurable disease, when you first exit Brok's apartment you'll find him talking to some squealers that are threatening to kill him if he doesn't pay up for all the treatment they're giving him, you can intervene to save him but that doesn't mean he's safe, as if you don't give him a specific item by the time Chapter 2 comes he will die because of his disease. Also, he used to be a soldier of the Atlasian military, that them along with Brok resulted in the banishment of the Squealers, an event that they clearly haven't forgotten.
- Sin - He is a kangaroo and is the wife of Dee (they both have the last name silver) But during the events of the game, Dee divorced Sin after discovering that he cheated on her, though it turned out to just be a ruse and thus Sin was framed. He hired Brok to find a gun that supposedly belonged to him, but it wasn't and turned out to be R.J's (I'll get to him later).
- Shay - She is not only a bird but is also a mad scientist/engineer, don't believe me? When you first visit her garage, there are two buttons near the door, press them both and a buzzsaw will come out which can kill Brok if he is too close to it. Apparently it is a security measure to prevent intruders, she is also the most important character in the game but I'll save that for when the time comes.
- Bolt - he is one of the two robots in the game that is not a Tribot (robots that are mass-produced by The Triangle) and is first seen in Border Post 001 depressed and waiting to be taken and decommissioned, you can choose to help him and he will end up being a major help in finding ads.
- Dark, Kins and the Squealers Chief - I'm grouping them together, because it'll honestly be pointless to give them all separate entries, but anyway, all three of them are the vital members of The Squealers who are all rats, not mice, basically they only have one goal, and that is to make Brok's life a living hell as revenge for banishing them along with the military.
- Wes - He is the Chief of Police and is first seen at the end of Chapter 1 where he arrests both Brok and Sin, he is and otter (or so it seems like) and is the one who arrests the people along with his Tribots, though he has a habit of calling Brok "Pork" and cannot draw, which foreshadows his true persona.
- R. J. - He is a very reoccurring character and a bear. He acts like Wes's second in command, as he escorts Brok to his cell, though he does get fired by him after chapter 2 and now guards the Hacker's place, though he does get fired there as well. He is later seen again when Brok enters the Virtual Arena for the second time with him being the boss, though he does get rehired as the guard for the hacker, but he succumbs to the pollution and may live or die depending on your actions.
- Ott - He is a hybrid of an otter and a warthog and thus he gets a lot of weird looks from other people. Nevertheless, Graff is on good terms with him and is his best friend, he too is studying as the Consc to be a Drumer as well. In chapter 4 he works with Brok to solve a case with a missing doctor.
- Klay - This mountain lion, is basically the bully of the centre, and is initially mean to both Graff and Ott, he is also the son of The Director, and just like Gaff and Ott he is studying to be a Drumer.
- The Director - Also known as P-19 (Prototype 19) she once was a human but got into a brutal accident which resulted in her being turned into a robot, despite all that though, she talks and behaves like a human being.
- The Guard - He is seen in Chapter 4, and is a Squealer that's just trying to make a living in the Drums by working as the security guard for the two doctors. And if there's one thing he hates more than losing his job, it's being reminded that he is in fact a Squealer.
- Dr. Mink - True to his name, he is a mink and one of the two doctors working in the laboratory and specializes in working with nanites, which are tiny bots that are dangerous to work with.
- Dr. Hush - The second doctor working in the laboratory and a tiger. He is a sworn rival to Dr. Mink and thus, they have been in several arguments together, though they don't hate each other to the point where they want to kill each other, but Dr Hush is found and presumed dead when Brok first enters Dr. Mink's room.
- Tidy - The only other robot in this game that isn't a Tribot and is Dr. Hush's robot assistant. But despite all of that he's just as unlikable as the others, because he was secretly working for Wes about something, I won't reveal it though.
- Dr. Gherkin - Another doctor and he was introduced in Chapter 5. He is a stork that's trying to fix the Pipe-Pills in the Slums that have mysteriously stopped working, but due to him being a nervous wreck, he hires Brok as a bodyguard due to all of the Tribots going crazy.
- Lia - She is Graff's mother and only makes a physical appearance in the prologue of the game, where Brok is in a burning building. He eventually finds her trapped under some debris, and Brok tries to free her to no avail, all while she blames him for causing all of this. This is why Brok became a detective in the first place.
- Wes (true form) - aka Prototype 26 (P-26) he is Wes's true form, it turns out that Wes was also a robot this whole time and is the one responsible for the pill shortage, the reason he is a robot is because 5 years ago during the investigation of Lia's death, he got into an aircar accident and unable to save his physical structure had his brain converted into data by the same person who created The Director.
Now I'm going to show you what all the endings are:
Fight Together: This is actually the first ending I got when playing through the the game. So when the final chapter comes and you're playing as Brok, Dee will call you to let you know that it is time to meet up with Wes so you can save the slums. However Brok has second thoughts about this, saying that Graff is more important after finding out that the Squealers kidnapped him.
From there, you get to decide who to save. If you choose to save Graff, Brok will do so after being informed by Ott, and after a fight with the Squealers, the chief, in a last-ditch effort to ruin Brok's life, threatens to kill Graff in front of him.
However, unbeknownst to him, Graff freed himself and knocked him out with a pole. Brok then attempts to kill him so he can't ever hurt Graff again, however Graff talks him out of doing so, saying that as long as he is with him he'll always be safe.
Unfortunately, this results in the entire investigation being cut short, with no answers about the pill shortage and Dee dead (presumably by Wes) then a horde of Tribots come and intend to finish the job, but Brok alongside Graff fight them all off while Ott looks for help they so do and but enough time for Ott to destroy the remaining Tribots. Back home Graff tells Brok that he felt something that he never felt before when fighting with him and that he liked it.
And while Ott goes off to live in the Drums, Graff decides to stay with Brok in the Slums to make them a better place for everyone, while fighting alongside him.
NOTE: This ending can only be achieved if R.J. was killed by the pollution in Chapter 5 (i.e. don't have a Toxout pill with you and have his relationship level with him at 34% or lower by being cruel to him) this is because if he is still alive, he will be the one to rescue Graff and Ott instead of Brok.
Broken Detective: This one is pretty simple but also sad, when you do meet up with Wes, Dee is about to give him the chip (which contain all the vital information needed to incriminate him), however Brok has second thoughts about all this and is suspicious of Wes's intentions.
This triggers an interrogation with him, however what's unique to this one in particular, is that you only get 6 chances to prove Wes guilty of his actions and if you waste them all, Dee will get fed up and will give Wes the chip anyway, this can also occur if you do find Wes guilty but back out at the last moment by not insisting for Wes to show his rear.
Regardless of what you do, Dee will give Wes the chip and then he'll betray and kill both her and Brok on the spot. With nobody left to stop Wes, the slums fall into turmoil as everyone there succumbs to the pollution while Graff and Ott end up having survivor's guilt despite being in the drums due to everyone else dying.
Drumer: This ending occurs if Graff passes his exams as planned, though this isn't easy first you have to get a perfect score on the first exam.
Then he has to overcome the trials in Chapter 3 and the bunker trial with Klay in chapter 4 and finally he has to overcome the museum trail in chapter 5, you pretty much have to score perfectly to get this ending (90 points or more since Stubot's score is 50 so 90 points or anything higher than that will suffice, though there is an achievement for getting a better final score than Klay (which is 87)) as during the final chapter when the scores are revealed, Graff will get a 40-point deduction due to Brok being a Drumer.
Afterwards, with everyone entering the Drums, Graff waits for Brok to arrive, which he does, and after a bunch of pep talk from him (because he can't enter the Drums anymore) Graff sets off into the drums to start a brand new life. Though again, this all results in the investigation being cut short due to Dee and Dr. Gherkin just vanishing, but on the plus side the Pipe-Pills start working again, so everyone wins here (well everyone except for Shay but I'll explain that later).
Till the End of Time: This one is another simple one during chapter 6, if Graff gets insufficient points to pass, the game will continue and see both him and Ott trying to hack into the mainframe to change his score from the hacker.
After talking about investigating the pills shortage, they too try to figure out what's going on, but when Graff and Ott enter the adjacent alley they get ambushed my Squealers what are trying to kidnap him the player can then choose to Fight them, talk, run, or do nothing, if the player chooses to fight them a battle will ensue and after winning Kins will get back up and will hold Ott hostage from there the player can choose whether to give up, run or keep fighting.
If the play chooses to keep fighting, Graff will threaten the Squealers, which causes Kins to accidentally kill Ott after being startled, prompting the Squealers to retreat, all that is left is Graff lamenting Ott's death and blaming himself for this, Brok eventually finds him and they both head back home. Then while Graff is in his room devastated of what occurred Brok them finds out the true meaning of the envelope that Shay gave to him, which them leads them to her garage, which has a time machine all set up for him, after using his pendant (which is made of heptamide) to power up the machine he sets it to 3030 (5 years in the past from then) to hopefully save everyone in the slums.
After opening the door, Brok states to Graff that this will seem like a short absence to him, but Graff who at this point has his nerves wrecked and his feelings destroyed, enters the machine, Brok begs Graff to get out, but Graff says that this is his mistake that he has to fix and that he can make things right with Lia. Brok ultimately decided that this is what needs to be done as he bids Graff farewell as the machine sends Graff back in time to 3030. After that, Brok continued living his life, though this once again causes the investigation to be cut short due to Dee, Dr. Gherkin and Wes all vanishing into thin air, but despite all of this, Brok decides that his ultimate goal is to dedicate his life to the slums, making it a livable place, and he succeeded in 3085 A.R, where we see a dying elderly Brok sitting in a rocking chair with Graff coming back, he explains to Brok that he couldn't save Ott or Lia but he decided that it is time to live his live now that Brok has lived his, and they share a tearful hug before Brok dies of old age.
Rupture: This was one of the hardest endings for me to get, but here's how it plays out.
When kidnapped you basically have to escape with Ott undetected. If this is done right, the showdown between Brok, Dee and Wes will be set up as normal, but Graff and Ott will show up before the climax can even begin, and after a series of arguments, Wes tries to eliminate Graff since he believes that the existence of him and his family is what caused all of this, however Brok jumps in and takes the shot for him. Fortunately the shot doesn't kill him, but it left his spine permanently damaged.
After witnessing Brok save his stepson, Wes leaves to parts unknown with Dee reassuring Ott and Graff that he realized the error of his ways, and so the three of them (along with the director) carry Brok the the Drums central hospital where he finally wake up after a week after being told that he can't stand up again Brok offers to have him used as a potential cure for the pollution which ultimately fails, but all isn't bad as afterwards Brok gets back into the fighting pits, which means his injuries were not long-lasting.
Fall: Just a heads up, this ending has topics that may not be suitable for younger audience, so if you really don't want to see it, go ahead and skip it, but for those who want to see it here it is.
This ending occurs if Brok's violence rating is at 80% or higher after defeating Wes. Brok tries to reach out to Graff but before he could, the Squealers Chief knocks out Graff by throwing a pole at him, then Brok gets angry and beats him up, all while he encourages him to so do, and despite pleas for mercy from Graff, Ott and Dee, he kills the chief anyway by breaking his neck, which devastates everyone, but Brok reassures Ott that killing him was the only way to protect everyone. Then after some banter with Dee saying that the world can run itself for now and that Brok deserves some time with Graff he agrees, thanks everyone and goes back home.
Now here is where the ending truly comes. After Brok returns he sees Graff and is relieved to see him, however after showing him a picture and discovering that Graff wasted the money, the two get into a heated argument with each other, and after Graff talks about Lia in a negative light, Brok, consumed by rage, beats HIS OWN SON to death. Yeah, I told you this article would contain topics that aren't suitable for everyone. After doing so, Brok sees what he had done and is rightfully devastated that he has become a monster.
After reading Shay's envelope one last time, he deduces that he is a serial killer and that he lost everything. He walks over to the balcony of where he and Lia often spend time together and... *sigh* unalives himself by falling off. Yes I'm serious.
Slumer: This ending is basically the exact opposite of Fall, in that you need to have a low enough violence rating so that Brok doesn't kill the chief, but also Brok needs to have a high relationship level with Graff and everybody else for that matter.
What happens here is that this plays out like Fall except when Brok confronts the chief, he beats him up until he passes out instead of just straight up killing him.
When Brok returns home, the scene is drastically different, here Graff is saddened instead of angry and he blames himself for the loss of the money instead of Brok and as for him, he has learnt to control his emotions at this point, so he isn't angry at Graff for wasting it all, instead saying that "He did what he thought was best" and after some therapy talk he becomes happy with him saying that he wants to stay with Brok because thanks to him, he found out who he truly was and that it makes him the greatest detective to exist. So Brok and Graff continue to live together happily in the slums with Brok even taking Graff to his favourite concert as a surprise.
Now these next three, I'm going to quickfire though so here goes.
Diary: On the path of the Canonical Ending Brok can enter a specific code to unlock the drawer. This has Shay's secret diary which states that he has romantic feelings for him that she was unable to express due to the time loop. suddenly Shay shows up and tells Brok that he needs to leave otherwise they'll both cease to exist, however Brok chooses not to do so, instead staying with Shay until the end, to which Shay thanks Brok for staying with her as they both fade out of existence.
Out of Loop: This ending occurs if you set up the time machine but leave Shay's garage immediately after doing so, this causes Brok to leave it all in the past and go back home. After planning to get rid of the envelope Graff comes back, and Brok begs him not to leave as he has something he want to show him, however when they return, the machine (as well as Bolt) are nowhere to be found.
That's when the garage starts to vanish with Graff still in it Brok tries to get Graff to escape but it fails as the garage and Graff both cease to exist. Afterwards, Brok suddenly forgets everything that happened up to that point with no memoires of Graff whatsoever (he does remember his name though also when the garage and Graff both Vanish his purple fedora, which was gift from Graff vanishes as well.
Cynical: This ending is very easy, all you have to do is destroy the machine after setting it up.
When this occurs, Brok will get transported to the the apartment of Bjorn, the main character of the developer's previous game Demetrios: the BIG Cynical Adventure (hence why the ending is called Cynical) after an awkward conversation with Bjorn and his family, he'll demand Shay to get him out which leads to her scolding Brok for breaking her machine that she spent half her life fixing, and will inform him that he is officially lost in time forever. And when Brok asks if he can try again, Shay will say that he can, after the credits.
Canonical: The ending occurs if you enter the time machine as expected after setting it up, when Brok does this, it sends him to a location where he encounters a red ghostly version of himself that asks him if he really wants to change everything for the better which he does and so he enters a portal which takes him into the unknown but reassures that everything will be okay, including Graff.
One more thing before we move onto the Annoying Atrium and that is the achievements.
The "completed" achievements are gotten by clearing Chapters 1-6 for the first time including the prologue.
- Ads Fan: Collect all 111 ads.
- Main Endings: Get all the endings.
- Secret Locker: Unlock the drawer in Shay's garage.
- Summary Filled: Unveil all the nodes in the summary screen, you don't need to find every choice just revealing all the nodes is enough.
- Master of Mattresses: Jump on all mattresses in the game.
- The World is my Doormat: Jump on every table in the game. (NOTE: A table will only count as jumped on when somebody reacts to Brok doing so).
- Food Thief: Steal food whenever possible, from a building.
- Worst. Investigator. Ever.: Simply put, you need to attempt to hit every character in the game (Tribots and generic Squealers don't count).
- Bear Cop: When you're in Wes's Office during Chapter 3 use the IdentiKit to make a picture of R.J.
- Toilets Tormentor: Across the 3 days that the game takes place, punch the bathroom door that is in Brok's Hall.
- Sugar Pills Lover: Buy every drug from the Pharmacy.
- Paw Music: During Chapter 5 when playing as Graff in the museum, just walk on the piano until the achievement appears.
- Highway Survival: During chapter 4 when playing as Brok, stay on the road for 10 seconds without getting hit by an oncoming Aircar (which will instantly kill Brok if he is ran over).
- Pacifist: Starting a new game, get any ending without directly killing anyone.
- Pushy, Pushy: Push around Ott and Dr. Mink anywhere in the laboratory until the achievement appears.
- Chipmunk: Drink the Juice from Dr. Mink's sink until Brok's voice becomes high-pitched.
- It's in my nature: Make Brok swim in the swamp outside Shay's garage for 10 seconds.
- All materials: Get all the materials for Shay.
- Your Days Are Numbered: At the Pharmacy, pay to have Brok's health evaluated.
- Hard to Wake Up: In Chapter 4, when you are tasked of finding who's responsible for murdering Dr. Hush, just jump on his lifeless body a few times until he wakes up.
- Tramp Saver: During any playthrough, keep the Tramp from dying.
- Best Student: When the scored are revealed during Graff's scenario, have him get a better final score than Klay (88 or higher). The 40-point penalty isn't considered by the way, the game will only recognize you initial score as your "final" one, for the purposes of this achievement.
Annoying Atrium
Finally, we get to move onto something different. As expected, despite BROK the InvestiGator being a game I liked, there are still things that annoyed me a bit when 100%ing it.
For instance, there are two occasions where you have to play the Trasher Hunt game to get an ad and one of the requested materials for Shay. What is Trasher Hunt? Oh nothing much, it's just this claw game where you have 6 tries to get an item scattered somewhere randomly and you have to play to play it each time, oh and if you don't find it within those 6 tries, the item gets relocated somewhere else. While they didn't take me long to find, I can imagine somebody losing their mind trying to grind Unis (the currency of this game) and taking an unbearably long time to find those two items, oh and also the cost of 10 Unis doubles to 20 later on so that's fun.
Another thing is there are no hints for side-quests, only hints that are needed to get through the story, so that means somebody can save the tramp and have him die at chapter 2 because there was no indication that they had to get the prescription scanned at the Pharmacy, let alone even know that they had to use Pipe-Mails to pay off bills and get attacked by drones for no doing so I mean geez!
Decision Dessert Place
So is BROK the InvestiGator a good game? Absolutely! I would strongly recommend it to anyone who is a fan of both Mortal Kombat and puzzle games, there is so much, charm, great voice acting, and just an utmost joy to play.
Conclusion Centre
There are actually two rewards for 100%ing the game in the form of getting all the other endings and getting all the ads, they are two post-credit scenes when getting the Canonical Ending.
The one for getting all the main endings has us see Drumer Street at night in 3030 A.R. And the one for getting all the ads has us see a mysterious character who holds a grudge against Brok, he is Remn, who is Graff's biological father and says the Brok is "The key to his plans" according to his computer, but other than that no other info is shown, which mode people hopeful for a sequel, I wish of one as well honestly, *sigh*.
And, that's it everyone! Man, I always knew I had to write such a long article for a 'Shroom issue, I just didn't think it would be so soon, you all definitely deserve these slushies and ice-cream that I made at the exit so go ahead and get one of each before leaving, so thanks for seeing everything, now I'm going to take a well earned rest. See you all next month for (hopefully) something a lot shorter.
Various Liquids Special
Itâs June and I donât have a theme that felt right, but what does feel right is a nice cold drink to survive these extremely humid 100F days. Luckily for me I have a full-size fridge and a mini fridge filled with a bunch of stupid drinks I collect that I need a reason to burn through or else I end up not having any room for anything else. Sometimes you gotta take these chances, and sometimes you need to try some drinks that make you go â...huhâ to keep life exciting.
Woodstock Organic Banana Water
Woodstock Foods produces an incredible variety of items, specializing in organic and non-GMO. Despite having a large footprint across categories and available stores itâs pretty hard to find any in-depth information. It is owned and managed by United Natural Foods, Inc. (UNFI), âthe largest publicly traded wholesale distributor of health and specialty food in the United States and Canadaâ, including being Whole Foodsâ major supplier, as well as acting as the private label for many stores. Woodstockâs Organic Banana Water has been their primary focus and major push across their social medias following an updated look, and evidently by their distribution system as Iâve suddenly seen this canned banana water available in staggering amounts in every healthy-leaning grocery store. In lieu of trying to figure out why this is happening on the scale of sociopolitical economics, Iâm going to try these.
Original
The only ingredient in this is organic bananaânot even waterâwhich gently unnerves me, with the bottleâs nutrition facts stating that this is 100% juice. I can easily imagine 100% juice with something like oranges, but bananas just seem too mushy and pulpy to create something that is as thin and watery as this is.
The smell is powerfully banana, and with an incredible biodegradable-brown color that unnerves me further, and gets me thinking that this is just a way to sell off entire banana crops that went bad; Iâm very curious what the processing that goes into this is, if itâs just brute smashing like with olive oil or a more complicated procedure. The taste is extremely concentrated and unmistakably banana, but also in its smooth texture, making it a little difficult to drink, and making the large volume of this can rather intimidating. This is marketed as an alternative to sports drinks, being filled with â5 essential nutrients and electrolytes and 0g added sugarâ, but I can see this instead being used as an ingredient or as a mixer in tropical cocktails where their unexpected intensity would be appreciated.
Along with Original, thereâs also three other flavors in smaller cans: Chocolate, Strawberry, and Blueberry. Frankly, I donât like blueberries that much, and with the kind of sale it was I did have to make a choice of which one to not get, but with how these following couple taste I believe itâd be very easy for me to imagine.
Chocolate
Organic banana, cacao powder, and vanilla, the vanilla of course acting as a standard pairing with chocolate to round out the natural bitterness. I opened it from like 2 feet away from my face and the banana smell was still immediate and strong. Very creamy and smooth, from the vanilla sure but mostly the banana itself. With no exaggeration this is incredibly good and one of the best things Iâve tasted in a while, and alarming that this is possible with just the three ingredients and basic canning as it genuinely throws into question why every other company uses so many other ingredients.
Strawberry
Organic banana and strawberry. Flavor feels like a perfect 50/50 of banana and strawberry, with the strawberry nicely cutting down the potency of the pure banana juice. Leans more into a fruit smoothie idea, and furthers my belief that these would be a great liquid for drink recipes or more.
Iâm curious what the full shelf life of these are as thereâs no preservatives, yet a can I purchased in May 2026 doesnât expire until March 2027, likely achieved through just simple canning techniques that can be done at home to preserve similar fruits. Each can says âProduced and packed in 13-2-07558 Fruita Natural Co., Ltdâ, which allowed me to do some more investigating. Turns out these are the same as Banagua, which is distributed by Wildcoast Ventures, LLC, and has the same exact ingredients and nutritional information and other specs, including the entire lineup of flavors (original, chocolate, strawberry, and blueberry), quite literally being the same products with just different packaging and distributors which makes it hilarious to see them stocked at the same store. Woodstock banana drinks I was able to find at Earth Fare and are also available at Chamberlinâs and a handful of smaller natural foods stores, while Banagua is only available nearby at Sprouts though has much wider availability in Los Angeles raising questions for me as to how each distributor gets their products into stores.
Nekter Pop
It seems that pre/probiotic sodas have sustained market popularity, with proven winners like Olipop standing firm, space in the market is still available for innovation with avenues possible to integrate other health claims/crazes (protein, collagen, etc.) as pre/probiotic alone may be forecasting a plateau. Among these are sweetener alternatives, ebbing and flowing and rocking back and forth between artificial sweeteners to a politically motivated return to cane sugar as a misguided effort to steer away from high fructose corn syrup utilizing the appeal to nature fallacy.
Nekter Pop looks to bypass this, offering a different sweetener with maple tree water: âNEKTER POP IS THE SODA YOU CAN TRUST! Discover the World's Only Clean-Label, Organic Probiotic Soda Made with Pure Maple Nectarâ. Organic, no artificial sweeteners (with a special callout of no stevia), no cane sugar, no artificial colors, but with probiotics to promote gut health. Maple syrup does hold antioxidant properties, along with vitamins and minerals that cane sugar and refined white sugar lack, and could be argued as a healthier alternative, however marginal and nuanced the real approach may be.
Root Beer
Of their four available flavors (root beer, orange, lemon lime, and black cherry) I opted for black cherry as itâs a flavor I really like and could judge it with better accuracy, and root beer because itâs always interesting to see what everyone thinks root beer should taste like. Root beer is made with the root bark of sassafras or sarsaparilla, often with other added flavors including wintergreen, caramel, licorice, vanilla, honey, nutmeg, anise, and a whole bunch more. Sarsaparilla and anise primarily, with hints of vanilla and nutmeg, is what makes up Nekter Popâs Root beer flavor, and I appreciate that I can taste every single one of those individually. Itâs much more spacey and distinguished in flavors than other root beers Iâve had which taste more homogeneous and muddled, unable to identify what secret ingredients there could be in there; this is more open and exposed, avoiding a sense or being watery through the base liquid being warm and sweet maple.
Thatâs not to say it tastes good, though. It tastes halfway to kombucha in a way that just feels very unsatisfying; I wouldâve preferred the harsher hit of kombucha because at least Iâd feel like something is happening and thereâs something there that I paid for. Itâs not bad, just not enough
Black Cherry
Serves well enough as a case study of the viability of maple tree water/maple nectar as a sweetener. Pretty good black cherry flavor, along the lines of what I specifically enjoy, but feels a bit diluted and disappears pretty quickly, mirroring what I now feel and hope for Nekter as a brand. Through doing basic research for this section I found that they use very obvious gen AI in their social media advertisements which immediately makes me not trust them and put a halt to any other writing I was planning; makes me feel like they couldnât secure enough funding for a proper photoshoot which HONESTLY isnât even that difficult or expensive, and doing so while selling its product by saying itâs not âengineered in a labâ while meanwhile using generative AI. Hypocritical and reckless, insulting behavior that makes me embarrassed I bought their product in the first place, and if itâs truly just on their social media through unchecked marketing as itâs the only place Iâm seeing it, itâs still a horrific sign of their lack of oversight. It shows their morals as only being a superficial selling point with no concern for true care or responsibility. Why should I finish a review for a product from a company that canât be bothered putting effort into fundamental aspects of their business? Maybe someone else will pick up using maple syrup/tree water to make something with more heart than a business venture of soulless shame.
Esspo
I entirely bought these because of the horrific experience I had with Slingshot Coffee Co.âs Black Cherry Cola Coffee Soda, and curiosity got the better of me with wanting to know if this would taste awful, too. Esspo is the venture capital project of the co-founder of Refinery29 who got a $400 million paycheck after selling it to VICE to now pivot to challenging traditional coffee business as he apparently thinks that innovation has been lacking in one of the most highly innovated-upon categories that is due for some actual humility and to stop lying about how coffee soda is a new and unique product. This article here on Sprudge does a much more thorough job of detailed and mirroring my thoughts on this, as well as highlights more and much more innovative and genuine products that seek to center coffee and taste rather than design and profits. Simply, this kind of smug proselytizing is putting me in a grouchy mood that fortunately for this line of espresso sodas is being discovered by me after Iâve already tasted these and wrote my notes for what I thought. He wants fun, storytelling, excitement, which apparently happened through TikTok shop hype where food influencers parrot press release talking points as if they were their own opinions, a deal with Whole Foods thatâs making everyone think that this is a first-of-its-kind groundbreaking product, and getting all of your insanely rich C-suite media buddies to write fluff pieces for you. Like, â(...) more contemporary take on coffee (...) a profile that feels more modern than many past attempts in the spaceâ while having painfully dated and stereotypically millennial (derogatory) basic 2010s-core office loser marketing??? Why is it always coffee that (social)media figures turn to?
Wild Cherry
Called Wild Cherry on the can I bought, but Cherry Vanilla on their website has me recalling the multiple times MOSS renamed and reformulated a flavor with no announcement before production recently being paused and operations being restructured. Itâs my assumption that this flavorâs presence in the lineup is to lean more classic soda, whereas the Classic Vanilla leans more coffee, and Zesty Lemon hits on current food trends, which I will admit is a smart variety in terms of market reach but also muddles the direction I see in these.
Very fake cherry flavor, akin to what youâd find in cherry cordial chocolates, including the stale bitterness of the chocolate gift shop air. Almost indulgent in its dark sweetness, likely an effect of monk fruit being used as a sweetener. Thereâs a strange funkiness to it, though, leaning a bit earthy which is alarming to me as I was more expecting just stale bitterness of commercially-scalable coffee. I do want to make a special note that I was never repulsed by this as I was with Slingshot Coffee Co.âs version, which perhaps suggests the addition of cola flavor instead of just plain carbonation was an aggravating issue.
Zesty Lemon
Apropos of TikTok and adding lemon to coffee being a diet trend with unfounded miraculous claims, this one feels a bit forced. I was fully expecting to hate this and I kinda didnât? Very uncanny experience as the lemon tastes like floor cleaner, but it maintains a satisfying level of freshness that I donât think would work well at all if this was with hot espresso or without the carbonation of the soda. The bitterness of the espresso brings this into a mindset of Italian digestifs which is softly confirmed with a dubious origin story, and I believe this is the requisite mindset. Apart from any claims given, the lemon flavor doesnât actually mask any bitterness of the coffee but rather emphasizes it, and sits tonally apart from it. Itâs a little bizarre, and a little uncomfortable, and yes does sorta work, but not enough in a way I feel like continuing to drink with.
Itâs pretty rare that I have a more generous opinion than Tami Dunn, so I guess this is evidence that Iâm giving fair taste opinions even if I really donât like what the brand and founders are doing.
Forest Water
Taking inspiration from nature and not generative AI, the aptly named Forest Water looks to the local Appalachians for wild ingredients and natural flavors. I saw this at The Fresh Market in their ready-to-drink refrigerated section with captivatingly muted-yet-bold designs that had me looking further. The cans put a strange amount of emphasis on being non-alcoholic, for a reason I donât immediately recognize, though I suppose itâs because their brewer/producer Walker Brothers makes hard kombuchas. With a huge focus on nature, Forest Water uses wild-harvested botanicals and âoverlookedâ ingredients to create a complex drink that âbridges the gap between craft beverage and mindful drinkingâ.
Alpine
âBitter, sweet, woodsyâ, the Alpine flavor is made with filtered water, fermented tea, raw wildflower honey, white pine bark, juniper berries, nettle leaf, douglas fir tips, gentian root, elderberry, orange zest, and cardamom pods. Made with Nashville local honey and âwild-craftedâ ingredients literally yoinked from local forests rather than farms, it promises to make what looks like a mess into a synergized melody.
Very weak root beer taste, if anything at all, honestly more similar to an Arizona Green Tea in complete taste, which I suppose makes sense given the bitter and drying nature of tannins found in each. While I appreciate the carbonation for texture and a sense of freshness it definitely overshadows what couldâve been a stronger profile. This is something that as you gingerly sip more, the more nuance you can taste, and the greater appreciation you have for the choice of each herb and ingredient. Wonderfully tempered botanical notes that would serve well with gin, adding bubblies that wonât dilute the bitter florals and juniper and potentially make a more complex drink with less to doâsomething I will definitely confirm for myself later.
Meadow
âFloral and refreshingâ, the Meadow flavor is made with filtered water, fermented tea, raw wildflower honey, calendula, rose, jasmine, birch bark, elderberry, dandelion leaf, red clover blossoms, chamomile, bee pollen, and grapefruit peel.
Nice unique floral taste with a touch of sweetness, but again just not enough of it right off the bat with nuance slowly seeping through. The flavor grows on you, begging you to sip more slowly and try to find every note it tries to sing, leading me down the exact path it describes on the can in such an accurate way that brings me to respect it more. Maybe these are better not being stronger flavors as they might come off too medicinal, or in line with conventional sodas that seem to avoid natural flavors at all costs.
I appreciate these very much for providing complex flavors and being adventurous, as well as just really solid package design. Excellent warm color choices that brings comfort, a sense of wild and a clean breath of air, invoking the scenery the ingredients come from. These seem to be available at every building with walls and a doorway in the Nashville area, but near me theyâre currently only available at The Fresh Market and a handful of small local natural foods stores. $3.29 at The Fresh Market, while being $45 for a 12-pack ($3.75/can) on their websiteânot even counting shippingâfeels like a strange pricing decision, but it speaks to me that my immediate thoughts werenât disgust and discouragement but instead âI guess Iâll need to speak to The Fresh Market managers to special order me some casesâ.
| The 'Shroom: Issue 231 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes ⢠The 'Shroom Spotlight ⢠Poochy's Picks ⢠Credits |
| Features | Fake News ⢠Fun Stuff ⢠Palette Swap ⢠Pipe Plaza ⢠Critic Corner ⢠Strategy Wing |
| Specials | Community Awards Dossier |
