The 'Shroom:Issue 230/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
H-h-hello there, Fake News r-readers! Man, it's c-cold in the office, do we really need the thermostat set that l-low? Or m-m-m-maybe it has something to do with all the Ice Puffs we let in... I'll try to get through these notes q-quick and then maybe I'll go hang out with RHG and Technetium in the Spotlight Office, it looked pretty w-warm in there!
We've got a pretty packed edition here! In the spirit of our special issue, Goombuigi (talk) has written us a Weather Forecast, and ClawgripFan9001 has another guest edition of Sport Report that's very thematic (alongside more Diddy Kong-themed goodness in Shop Scout!). And in collaboration with Hooded Pitohui (talk), I've finally written a second edition of Bite-Sized Interview almost three years after the first one! I'm also happy to announce that Shoey (talk) is back from his hiatus, and in addition to providing his culinary expertise in a new installment of Fungal Forager's Field Guide, he's also given us a News Flush that continues to plumb the depths of old games you've never heard of for 'Shroom content! We're a little lighter on ghosts this month (although Boo1268's remained hard at work) as The Ghostly Dossier is taking a short break, but everything else you've come to expect from Fake News is here! Unless your expectations involve certain things we don't normally have, in which case I don't know why you expected them in the first place.
If you're interested in joining the team, we'd love to have you! Visit our sign up page to get started on an application, or if you just have an idea for a one-off, you can contact me privately about that and I'll help you get sorted.
And of course, a simultaneous congratulations and thank you to Lakituthequick for his milestone of 100 issues as Website Manager this month! I have more words about that over in the Staff Notes (shameless plug if you don't read them already), but I had to mention him here too!
Section of the Month
Huh, maybe Bar D. Jokue actually does have what it takes to make it as a travel writer after all, since The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide on the Luncheon Kingdom took first place this month! Don't have a mailing address on file for him though, so we'll just send that award to TheBlueCatMenace. Congratulations are also in order for Martendo (talk), nabbing a respectable second place with his News Flush about a controversy over Spiny Shells! And rounding out the podium we've got the second half of the Game Night arc of The Sorcery Show by Legend 8! Thanks for voting, and be sure to keep supporting our writers - don't give them the cold shoulder!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Bar D. Jokue Travel Guide | 12 | 28.57% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 2nd | News Flush | 9 | 21.43% | Martendo (talk) |
| 3rd | The Sorcery Show | 6 | 14.29% | Legend 8 |
Written by: MightyMario (talk)
Hello once again, television viewers and Shroom readers! It's TV Tomorrow back with regularly scheduled programming! New finds and old favorites are on the schedule this month, it's up to you to give them the ratings they so desire! (Or they'll get cancelled and there will only be reruns…) Let's see what's on TV!
Cable/Satellite
Show: Crygor's Contraptions
Network: Mushroom Kingdom Science @8:30 PM MKST
Genre: Education/Science
Eccentric engineer and microgame maker Dr. Crygor loves to create new inventions and contraptions, to often hilarious and unexpected results. The chaos stemming from the Portable Panini Provider last week brought in a lot of viewers, so there's no stopping Crygor and his creativity!
This week's episode features the Time Obliterator 5.0, which can turn back time with a click of a button! Crygor demonstrates this nifty device by "accidentally" spilling water and goes back in time to warn the past Crygor not to spill the water, which then causes that Crygor to disappear because the event that caused the present Crygor to go back in time never happens, leaving only the present Crygor stuck in the past…
What's that? This is too confusing for the viewers? Tune in to find out what happens next and hopefully gain some much needed explanation!
Movie: Rise of the Zombie Goombas (1989)
Network: Boo Network @10:00 PM MKST
Genre: Horror/Suspense
From the depths of their graves rise the Zombie Goombas! Out for plumber's brains and their tools, Mario and Luigi must protect Princess Peach and Toad from turning into Goombas themselves! The only cure is to make giant garlic meatballs that'll defeat the Goombas and send them back to the cemetery where they belong… but not if Count Koopula, the true mastermind behind the Zombie Goombas, gets in their way.
I personally thought that Wereturtle Terror was a better film, but Rise of the Zombie Goombas has its fans. Also, eat some garlic popcorn to ward off any zombies or vampires while watching the movie. It's Wario approved!
Streaming
Show: Kong of the Wild
Streaming on: Kong Channel
Genre: Adventure/Reality
Donkey Kong and his partner Pauline love to explore the layers beneath the surface. Their latest episode takes them to the frigid Freezing Layer, where they must seek out the Elder Zebra for tips on how to make a warm, cozy fire, and enjoy some really nice cold music, too! DK himself makes sure that Pauline doesn't freeze and get a Game Over by giving her a big Kong hug to keep her warm. DK's such a swell guy!
Show: Uncle amiibo's amiibo Discussion Hour
Streaming on: amiibo+
Huh? This is certainly an odd choice to highlight this month. This show is all about Uncle amiibo, the little robot from Super Mario Odyssey, discussing nothing about amiibos for an hour. If you're into amiibos, I guess this is the show for you. Topics for discussion include; amiibo types, buying amiibos, cleaning and properly storing amiibos, amiibo worship, how to center your life around the amiibos, becoming an amiibo yourself…
amiibos are great and are the sole item you should collect from here on out. This has been a message from Uncle amiibo. Buy amiibos so we can talk about amiibos on my show!
Program of the Month
Program of the Month is changing! Instead of me picking out what show or movie I thought was the best, I'm letting you, the viewer/reader, pick for me! Tell me all about your favorite show or movie that aired during the month, no matter if it's a rerun or a new release, and I'll highlight it in this section! The only rules are that the program must be fictional in nature (meaning it can't be an actual program) and that the program must relate to the Mario universe in some way. I look forward to seeing what you deem is the best program! A thread will be available for you to send submissions, and if your submission is chosen, you'll be credited and your program will be featured in the next section of TV Tomorrow!
Because of this change, there is no Program of the Month this time. That will be all for this month, I've been MightyMario and this has been TV Tomorrow!
Good evening, residents of the Mushroom Kingdom, and thank you for tuning in to the Weather Forecast channel! I'm Goombuigi, your host for this month, and I will present the predicted weather forecast for the rest of the month. This springtime period is projected to be an eventful one, due to a myriad of events. Residents are advised to take special care during this turbulent time. With that established, here is the forecast for the period of May 24th to May 31st.
| Day | Predicted Weather | Temperatures (High / Low) |
Forecast | Precipitation Chance |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Sunday, May 24th |  |
30ºC / 16ºC | Cloudy with a chance of Spinies. Spiny showers may occur due to recent Lakitu migrations, which are estimated to end on this day. | 30% (barring Spiny showers) |
| Monday, May 25th |  |
26ºC / 11ºC | Heavy wind abound, with Ty-foos likely to appear. Sources report that they've been sent under Bowser’s command. | 20% |
| Tuesday, May 26th |  |
29ºC / 14ºC | Cloudy with mild Foo wind. Temperatures likely to fluctuate throughout the day. | 20% |
| Wednesday, May 27th |  |
32ºC / 18ºC | Likely to be foggy, with Smogrins expected to pollute the atmosphere. Staying inside is advised to avoid the polluted air. | 40% |
| Thursday, May 28th |  |
31ºC / 15ºC | Incoming rain is probable, with Downpour Clouds projected to supply a hearty dose of it. | 80% |
| Friday, May 29th |  |
20ºC / 4ºC | Ice Puffs are expected to contribute to abnormally cold weather. Use a Fire Flower if approached by one. | 50% |
| Saturday, May 30th |  |
33ºC / 19ºC | Expect a heavy dose of rain, with Thunder Clouds abound. It is recommended to stay inside to avoid shrinking from lightning. | 90% |
| Sunday, May 31st |  |
38ºC / 22ºC | The month is expected to end with a sunny Sunday, as the Angry Sun pays a visit to the Mushroom Kingdom. | 10% |
As you just saw, the weather is expected to be all over the place this coming week. To summarise, the week is expected to start with a hearty dose of wind, transitioning into fog, with heavy rain, thunder and icy weather following. Finally, the month is projected to end with bright sunshine. They say April showers bring May flowers, but it appears that May will have the showers this time around. Here’s hoping that June will be the month to bring the flowers!
Once more, thank you for watching Weather Forecast! Have a wonderful day, and remember to beware those Spiny showers!
Written by: Wally the Baby Rhinoceros
Konnichiwa and goedendag, readers of The ‘Shroom. My name is Wally the Baby Rhinoceros, coming at you with a new edition of The Cooking Guide on the pages of The ‘Shroom. What’s that? You were expecting ClawgripFan9001 instead? Well, yeah, so was I, and everyone else in The ‘Shroom’s Fake News offices, to be honest. But ClawgripFan9001 apparently ran off to Rogueport without telling Waluigi Time, and nothing was heard from him since then. And since Waluigi Time had previously suggested in his penultimate edition of Dear Waluigi Time that I try to get used to life in the big city after I was abandoned here by a stork, I decided to follow his advice and apply for a job at The ‘Shroom, after which Waluigi Time assigned me to Cooking Guide duties to fill in for ClawgripFan9001 until he returns. So for the time being, I’ll be taking up the chef hat and teaching you how to make delicious dishes from all around the Mushroom World and beyond. And for my first venture as a novice cooking columnist, I decided to seek out the expertise of Chef Shimi, master chef employed aboard the Excess Express, which happens to be making frequent stops at New Wikisburg Central as of late. So let’s take a look at how my visit to Chef Shimi played out, okay? Deep breath, Wally…You’ve seen ClawgripFan9001 do this a hundred times, you can do this…
Venturing into the dining car of the Excess Express, Wally noticed Chef Shimi located at his kitchen island and walked up to the Cheep Cheep chef while entirely ignoring the weird looks he was getting from the passengers located inside the dining car. “Excuse me, sir? Are you Chef Shimi? My name’s Wally, I’m the one who agreed to meet with you for The ‘Shroom’s Cooking Guide today.” The baby rhinoceros informed Chef Shimi, who turned to look towards him in response and gave the rhino tyke a smile upon doing so.
“Ah, it’s great to meet you, Wally! I have to admit, I was surprised to hear that ClawgripFan9001 wouldn’t be the one meeting with me today, but I’m welcome to meet with any columnist that The ‘Shroom happens to spend, er, I mean, send my way!” Chef Shimi greeted Wally, still struggling with speaking non-Cheep Cheep language to beings outside of his own kind after all these years, it seemed.
“Yeah, I’ve been getting that a lot since I applied for the job…” Wally admitted with a sheepish glance resting on his face before cutting straight to the chase. “Anyway, you agreed to teach me how to make Mushroom Porridge, correct?” He then inquired of the Cheep Cheep chef with a curious tilt of his head to make sure he understood where the chef was going with today’s cooking column dish.
“Yes, I did! I hope you’ve brought your notepad with you so you can write everything down for your column, because I’ll teach you everything you need to blow, ah, I mean, know to make Mushroom Porridge!” Chef Shimi confirmed Wally’s assumptions with his trademark beaming smile, happy to teach any cooking columnists who visit him the ropes of his cooking in spite of his limitations that left him unable to cook with anything but Mushrooms.
Holding up a notepad and pencil in his hooves for emphasis, Wally nodded his affirmation. “I did. I’ll just be sitting here writing everything down while you teach me how to make this.” The baby rhino informed Chef Shimi, who nodded back in agreement with that plan as he began to get to work at his kitchen island, grabbing everything he needed to make the dish. Once the chef had done so, he began to speak once more.
“Right, obviously, as far as ingredients are concerned, you only really need Mushrooms! As for appliances, all you need is a saucepan and a stove for melting and heating the Mushrooms needed for the porridge, a beater for beating the molten Mushroom liquid into the correct substance needed to make the porridge, and finally, bowls and spoons for sherving, ah, I mean, serving the porridge!” Chef Shimi explained to Wally, who nodded in understanding, letting out a baby rhino’s squeal for emphasis as he wrote the instructions down in a dutiful manner.
“Right, right. I take it that the cooking instructions are carried out in the same manner you just explained through the required ingredients and appliances?” Wally asked Chef Shimi as he looked up from his notepad while tilting his little head with a curious expression resting on his otherwise lazy face. Chef Shimi hummed affirmatively in response as he began to carry out the cooking instructions in a timely manner, with Wally once again writing them down.
“Right on the nose, my tiny friend! You put the saucepan on the stove, with the Mushrooms inside, you heat that up, let the Mushrooms melt and shimmer, er, I mean, simmer for a timespan of up to five minutes, then you grab the beater and use that to beat the molten Mushroom liquid into proper porridge thickness! Finally, pour that Mushroom Porridge goodness into bowls, tuck the spoons inside, and you’re ready to eat!” Chef Shimi tutored the baby rhinoceros as he finished preparing the Mushroom Porridge and poured a sample for Wally to taste into a bowl. Wally, in the meantime, finished writing down everything on his notepad before tucking it away and walking up to Chef Shimi, who put the bowl with Mushroom Porridge inside down in front of Wally. Wally then proceeded to take his pacifier out of his mouth and began to lap at the Mushroom Porridge with his baby rhino tongue.
Wally hummed in delight as he tasted the Mushroom Porridge, a surprised expression forming onto his lips, now that his pacifier was not in his mouth at the moment. “I gotta say, in spite of being limited to cooking with only Mushrooms, your cooking really lives up to its renownedness that my superiors at the Fake News offices of The ‘Shroom have been telling me about!” The baby rhinoceros praised Chef Shimi’s cooking, who smiled in delight upon hearing that from the young apprentice columnist in response.
“If you say so, Wally, my boy, then your words truly squeeze me, er, I mean, please me! I hope to see you again sometime soon around the Excess Express dining car, should you be in need of a little cooking by the Book of Mushrooms!” Chef Shimi happily informed Wally, who nodded in response as he continued lapping at the Mushroom Porridge set out in front of him, prompting an amused chuckle from Chef Shimi in the process.
So these are the bare necessities for making Chef Shimi’s Mushroom Porridge!
Ingredients
- Mushrooms
Appliances
- A saucepan
- A stove
- A beater
- Bowls
- Spoons
Instructions
- Put the Mushrooms inside the saucepan, place it on the stove, and heat it up to melt the Mushrooms into a liquid state for making the porridge, letting it simmer for a total of five minutes.
- Take the beater, and use it to whip the liquid Mushroom into a proper porridge substance.
- Pour the Mushroom Porridge into bowls, stick the spoons inside, and you should be ready to eat.
Now that’s a Mushroom-flavored mush that’s sure to make you feel all mushy inside, don’t you think? Ha, ha, ha! Oh, I do crack myself up! Anyway, that’s about all I got to say about my very first Cooking Guide out of many that I’ll be writing until ClawgripFan9001 returns from whatever hole he’s managed to dig himself into! Many thanks to Chef Shimi for teaching me how to make Mushroom Porridge, and many thanks to you for tuning in! This has been Wally the Rhinoceros, signing off!
Star Ratings
Written by: BigBoom1946
Hello everyone! Sorry for the gap in column releases, but I've had some....... stuff which has prevented me from making new content. Now, without any further ado, welcome back to Star Ratings, the column where we review the stars themselves. In unrelated news, I heartily congratulate Lakituthequick for making it to 100 issues of this fine newspaper. I hope that he continues to support The 'Shroom! Now, let's get into why we're here. Today we'll be covering a planet steeped in history and mystery, Beacon Beach!
History
Beacon Beach has a long and complex history, with many myths and legends like "Perfectus the Great", "Perfectus the Handsome" and "Perfectus the Truth-teller". Yet it is not he who we will be talking about today. No, today we will be discussing the story of Augie, Beacon Beach's protector.
They say that ten thousand years ago, two gods had a pair of twins. One was Perfectus, who inherited his father's strength and mother's beauty. The other was Augie, who inherited his father's chronic indigestion and mother's overeating habits. According to the legends, Perfectus went on to found many great empires and become a respected god. Augie, meanwhile, was deposed by a chicken in his first week of ruling. The leadership of King Macnugget was a harsh one, with the streets running red with blood.
The final straw for Augie's parents, however, was when Augie crashed the sun chariot into the pool at Perfectus's wedding. This caused the parents to kick Augie out of the family. Augie wandered for many years before finally discovering Beacon Beach, at which point he became the planet's Warden, enjoying seafood and lazing around for the rest of his days.
However, due to recent research, most of what I just told you is quite wrong. Thanks to recent research by archaeologist Professor Backpack, it turns out that the famous legends were actually propaganda created by Perfectus to screw over his younger brother.
In reality, Perfectus was just a bully who abused his younger brother and was later killed by a slave uprising. Augie, meanwhile, is still alive and having a good time.
Geography
Beacon Beach's climate is overall very sunny, with rain being a very rare occurrence. The planet is mostly ocean, with a few islands here and there. The main settlement is Beacon Town, an area known for its ancient ruins. The town is also known for the Lighthouse, a tall stone tower that as long as it is lit stops the planet's natural cloud barrier from forming to let in the sun.
Another nearby location is the Sunrise Temple, an area full of ancient artifacts and murals displaying ancient gods. The area is also where the "historical" records of Augie's life are located.
Conclusion
All in all, Beacon Beach has a lot of history and not a lot of anything else. Sorry for missing last month's deadline, and have a good day!
Wait, what? What do you mean that someone else took over last month's column? Who was the guy? Who's Mind Master? Oh, I should talk to Boo1268 about him? Okay then. I'll do just that. See you next month.
Written by: Parshoe G. Shoelow (talk)
Art provided by: TPG (talk)
Experiment Escapes Toy Land
We have a breaking report out of Toy Land as an experimental toy has escaped! According to Toy Land CEO Mr. Swirley, the experimental toy, nicknamed "Jelly Boy", was an attempt to create a putty that could be easily formed into any shape, which wouldn't dry out if left out of its container, and which would be non-toxic so as to be safe if consumed by younger Toads (rumor has it that Jelly Boy has a slight grape flavor).
In the process of developing the new putty, a change to the chemical formation accidentally brought Jelly Boy to life! The putty took on a pink, vaguely humanoid shape! Officials at Toy Land attempted to contain Jelly Boy in the sprawling factory that is Toy Land. It was thought that the factory's various sub-divisions, each designed for experimentation on toys in different environments (such as the desert, the Moon, the sky etc.) could impede Jelly Boy's escape. Those attempts all failed, however, with Jelly Boy using the form-fitting powers that were supposed to bring delight to children to evade and in some cases even fight off Toy Land employees. Jelly Boy managed to escape to the rooftop of the locked-down factory before transforming into a helicopter and flying away towards the Mushroom Kingdom! In the process of escaping, Jelly Boy also took with it another experimental toy, Helpy Block, which was said to be an attempt to make an indestructible toy block able to stand up fully to playtime with even the most rambunctious children Stills of the escape were provided to The 'Shroom by Toy Land's parent company Ocean Entertainment.
The following images of Jelly Boy's escape have been provided to The 'Shroom from Toy Land's state-of-the-art surveillance camera system, Total Protection Guardian (TPG for short). Be warned these images may be disturbing.
Potentially dangerous and with potentially little understanding of the outside world, Jelly Boy has little ability to communicate outside of the following phrases said in a high-pitched voice: "Here goes Jelly!" and "Hang on a sec!". Kingdom residents are urged to exercise caution, especially those in possession of avocados, lemons, and pears, items which the fruit-craving Jelly Boy is particularly fond of. Be on the lookout for a strange pink humanoid roaming the Mushroom Kingdom displaying the capability to transform into various forms. Ocean Entertainment has provided a list of potential forms Jelly Boy might be taking, but please note that, according to them, it is not a full list, for not even they know or understand the full transformative powers of Jelly Boy. According to their list, Jelly Boy has been seen in the following forms:
- Hot Air Balloon
- Hammer
- Pogo Stick
- Immovable Block
- Duck
- Croucho Marx
- Submarine
- Rocket
- Soda Bottle
- Bouncy Ball
- Cool Boy Jelly
- Umbrella
Please do not attempt to approach Jelly Boy if you see him! According to Toy Land CEO Mr. Swirley, when threatened in his regular form, Jelly Boy will attempt to attack by launching a fist from its stomach! If you think you see Jelly Boy, please contact your local authorities. A reward of 5,000 coins has been offered for any tip that leads to the capture of Jelly Boy!
Written by: Boo1268 Mind Master
Art by: CaptainOdyssey and Legend 8
The History…OF ME! Mind Master!
Hello, readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. With ME, your NEW host Mind Master, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Surprised to see me you ignorant fools? Well you shouldn't be, this has been a LONG time coming for that fancy fool, FINALLY! My first step in my revenge for what he did to me SO LONG AGO is FINALLY coming to pass! Although, you may be curious to know what has happened to him and his colleague Specture Striker? That, my lower intellect peons, is a discussion for another time, but let's just say…he's going to be spending a LOT of time with some very good friends of his. You may have also thought this issue was just going to feature something related to Lakituthequick guy, however I've decided to TAKE OVER this issue for now. But in spite of my revenge, many of you would feel sympathetic for that fancy fool, in spite of what he did to me and the torture he put me through. So in order to sway you to my side, I shall tell you the tale of how I turned into who I am today and who I have to blame for it. So with that out of the way, let us begin, shall we?
| Mind Master | |
|---|---|
|
This intelligent and powerful being shown before you is yours truly, Mind Master's my name and becoming the smartest being in the universe is my game. How do I maintain and enhance my intelligence you may ask? Simple, with a consistent reading regime of high intellect material, such as books and scrolls, constant indulgence in many realms of science, philosophy, language, etc. and a steady diet of high intellect foods, such as salmon, blueberries and the brains of other beings. |
| Fun Fact!: I've recently received an upgrade in terms of a mechanical skeleton, to aid in not only providing more structure for my body, but to also shield parts of it as well, such as my brain stem. | |
It may come as a shock to you all, dear readers, but I was not always the magnificent brain you see today. At some point long ago, I was once a small, puny ameboid known then as Max. To many I was someone who, normally, would never amount to anything meaningful in life. Before my transformation, I had to scrounge around for cash, picking up odd jobs here and there to pay the bills, willing to do anything to get myself by, constantly renting myself out as a guinea pig to others who needed my services. However, one day, I would be granted a chance by the very gods themselves to transform into something much greater than I was once before. That chance came in the form of an imbecilic Magikoopa named Pyro. This fool was always ranting about how he did not use magic, but instead something known as "anti-logic". Pyro and his Cohorts were, from my knowledge at the time, running experiments on interdimensional portals, attempting to uncover how dangerous the EGU's portal program could really be by summoning a portal themselves using the same tech. After successfully manifesting a portal and enhancing its size with Pyro's STUPID Antilogic, they wanted to test and see what would happen if and when you traveled through it. Now mind you, this was during the time when I was offering my services to others as a guinea pig or test subject, willing to humiliate myself by being transferred around in a glass bottle for conveyance for my customers, acting as a tool to be used rather than a living being. But in any case, they picked me as their test subject, Pyro and his friend, another imbecile and my former employer Boo1268. After being ordered to jump into the portal willy nilly, I wanted to speak up, I wanted to reject this task that was given to me, but alas, I was too much of a COWARD to say no, as such I entered the portal, that in turn was the moment that changed my life forever.
| Max the Ameboid | |
|---|---|
|
My previous form, a weak singled celled coward who couldn't stand up for himself, a nobody, somebody who the world had forgotten about. I was once too weak, too powerless to do anything, believing that the people I trusted would save me, the people who I thought were once my “friends”. |
| Fun Fact!: I lost that bowler hat some time ago, I can't recall what had happened to it, but one day I'll find it again. | |
I was unconscious for sometime, but eventually, I awoke in a strange realm, a place I could only describe as a place between places, an interdimensional void if you will. It was encased in a bright blinding white, my eyes needing to adjust to the velocity of the brightness surrounding me. Many portals big and small were littered in what I could only assume was the sky. As I drifted aimlessly in this void, I found an abandoned journal and a nearby pen. Upon opening the journal, I discovered that the journal was completely empty, so to pass the time I then started to write down my experiences within this strange new world. Here are a few of my entries now:
Entry 1
Two days since stranded:
I finally found a journal to start writing in, so that way if anyone finds this they can know who I am. Hello, my name is Max, Max the Ameboid. I was originally hired by Boo1268 to test out an interdimensional portal for him and his friends, but soon I found myself stranded here, in a place I like to call THE VOID. This place, it's unlike anything I've ever seen. Portals drifting in the endless white abyss that connect to other portals. I've been drifting in this void for some time now, seemingly with no way back to where I came from since the portal I came through closed. But I'll talk about that more later, for now I need to find some more ink.
Entry 2
Five days since stranded:
It's been a few days and the others have not come looking for me, but I'm sure they're doing everything they can to come find me, right? They wouldn't just abandon me… Well, since I got some time to spare, I suppose I should talk about how I got here in the first place. Well, to make a long story short, after I leaped into the portal, I started to drift away from the portal until eventually it seemingly just closed right behind me! Now all that's left is me and the void. I don't want to venture into the portals because what if they don't find me? What if when they come looking I'm not there? I need to wait, no matter how long it takes.
Over the course of my stay in the void, I began to notice strange things happening to my body and mind. My single celled ooze was beginning to transform into pink, wrinkled flesh, I began to grow tendrils as my body adapted to the void. I evolved further and further over time, losing unnecessary elements, eventually warping into someone I would have never recognized before. I also began to notice that I was becoming smarter, being able to propel myself and manipulate objects with just my thoughts.
Entry 3
Eight days since stranded:
I've found that I have a much better memory than I did before. Maybe it's the void. If I stay in this place for a long time, it does stuff to your body. They need to come find me. I don't know how much longer I can last out here.
Entry 4
15 days since stranded:
Why…why did it have to be me? They could have done it, but NO, I was too much of a WUSS to stand up for myself! And now I'm stranded here, all alone! But they can't just forget me! They just can't! IF THEY DO I’LL (The rest of the page has been ripped out.)
Entry 5
23 days since stranded:
I've changed. This void has made me smarter, STRONGER, even better than I was before! When they come back they'll get to see the brand new me.
I can't wait to see them.What if they don't come back? What if they forgot about me? But they couldn't have, they just can't forget about me, they just can't! I'M STILL HERE GUYS I'M STILL HERE JUST COME GET ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!
| My Journal | |
|---|---|
|
A journal I had written in a LONG time ago. I soon learned after writing this that time within the void is much different than that of the normal Mushroom Kingdom realm. As such, what can appear to be minutes gone by for one, means seven years for another. |
| Fun Fact!: I attempted to anonymously submit my journal to The 'Shroom sometime ago, but they didn't think of it as good enough for their paper. How ironic since they let that fancy FOOL write whatever he wants. | |
Much time would pass, I would continue to hone my skills with the void, coming to make a home for myself within the liminal space, avoiding the scarce and far between threats that plagued the realm. Eventually, I made the decision to try and find my way back, entering and exiting portals to completely different worlds to that of my own, learning more and more about the multiverse as a whole.
Entry 6
29 days since stranded:
I decided to try and find my way back. I spent days after days entering and reentering portals just to TRY to find a way home… But nothing, I'm stuck here, so I guess I'll just wait till they find me……….
Unfortunately it was all for naught. I began to search and search and search for a way back, but could not find a way to get back home. Soon the days faded into weeks, the weeks faded into months, THE MONTHS FADED INTO YEARS! The void had provided the realization I needed, as to WHO subjected me to this endless TORMENT!
Entry 7
38 days since stranded:
Nobody came
Entry 8
61 Days since stranded:
Nobody came
Entry 9
75 days since stranded:
Nobody came
(The next page has been ripped out.)
Entry 10
89 days since stranded:
They forgot me.
I figured I would come to it eventually, but at first, I just wanted to highlight my thoughts to give me reassurance they would come back. My body has evolved just to live in this void, I've sacrificed so MUCH of my life for some IGNORANT FOOLS and...and…and…
All this time I've been waiting it's been POINTLESSTHEYFORGOTMEPOINTLESSPOINTLESSTHEYFORGOTMETHEYFORGOTMEIMUSELESS
(More pages of the journal have been ripped out.)
THEY WERE ALL TO BLAME! They never CARED about me! They never wanted to save me! They only saw me as a PAWN to be used! I sacrificed SO MUCH FOR THEM! For people who didn't even care for me, who were willing to LET ME DIE, they subjected me to this endless torment all for the sake of science, for the sake of their “theories” and "discoveries", they claimed that “friendship” was what truly mattered to them, but they lied. They never saw me as a friend, if they did they would have come after me, to see if they can save me, to risk their LIVES for me no matter the cost. After this revelation, I soon found a portal to another realm, however this one was…different than the others. I could not describe as to why, but I felt almost drawn to it, as such I stepped inside. The world was some sort of immense library, a place full of knowledge and information about various things, from scientific text books, to historical books, even books on how to hone various mental skills. Slowly but surely as I read, I felt as if I was scratching an itch inside my brain.
Entry 11
??? days since stranded:
I decided to learn a new writing style. It took a bit of work, but I'm finally getting around to using it.
Entry 12
I entered one of the portals. It led to a secret library. I decided to spend some time reading the multitude of books here. Maybe I might take one of the robes hanging around…
FINAL ENTRY:
In this library I've had some time to think, to hone my skills, my new POWERS, if you will. I have learned all I need to know, and my knowledge is even GREATER than before. The void has changed me. Now, I am born anew, and after all this time I've come to one simple conclusion. What I am, WHO I am now, is ALL Boo1268’s fault! That pompous know it all thinks he's just SO GREAT just because he has MONEY!? POWER!? STATUS!? HE RUINED MY LIFE! And it's not just HIM either! Do they all think they can forget me? Treat me like dirt under their BOOTS!? But now I HAVE THE POWER! And I'LL MAKE THEM REMEMBER ME! I’LL MAKE THEM ALL KNOW MY NAME……My name…I think I'll change it. How about Mind Master? That has a nice ring to it.
HE came through the portal, now I'll make him suffer for what he did to me. I'LL MAKE THEM ALL SUFFER! So this must be where my paper trail ends. Goodbye Max…You will be missed.
I left the realm significantly more powerful than before, wearing a robe I now wear with pride. While I never did discover who these robes were made for, they felt almost natural for me to wear. As I wrote my final journal entry it was snapped up by a portal to unknown locales, being lost for some time until I found it once more. My time in the library allowed me to discover myself, to figure out and uncover my new identity, my new purpose. What was that purpose you may ask? To DESTROY all those who had wronged me, making them suffer for ALL the pain they had put me through! While also in turn becoming the SMARTEST being in ALL the multiverse! In spite of my many failures to eliminate Boo1268 and his “friends”, I've grown to enjoy the void and all it has to offer, the peace and quiet it brings, alongside the many worlds I get to explore plus the intriguing void beings I see here. I was even able to construct a home for myself within the ruins of what was once known as Castle Bleck.
| Castle Bleck | |
|---|---|
|
The ruins of Castle Bleck now serve as my home. While some walls may be missing and the rest is sinking into nothingness, not to mention some parts of the castle are on their side, it's the only building that can provide any sort of reasonable structure in this place. |
| Fun Fact!: Since I have adapted to live within the void, I no longer need water to survive…but perhaps I could use some form of a companion… | |
Even now as I write, I'm one step closer to finally eliminating my enemies in one fell swoop, one step closer to FINALLY getting my revenge on those who have wronged me. So remember dear readers, despite whatever tragedy falls your way, there's always a way to find the silver lining to make your enemies SUFFER! Let the RAGE fuel your hearts dear readers, for when you've lost everything you once knew, it's all you have left. And so, with that, our story ends. I do hope you all enjoyed this edition of The Spectral Lens, in spite of the fact that Boo1268 wasn't the one to write it, but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless. If you have any suggestions for what that fancy fool should look into next time, make sure to check out his official forum page. He's always willing to look into your requests. So don't be afraid to give him suggestions, if he does SOMEHOW manage to escape my grasp. And with that I say: Merci, au revoir and happy 100th anniversary to Lakituthequick I suppose.
Written by: Lakilester
Hey, what’s up, y’all? Name’s Lakilester, though I prefer Michael or Spike just as easily. Since Issue 230 happens to be Lakituthequick’s 100th ‘Shroom issue as the newspaper’s Website Manager, I thought I’d do a fellow Lakitu a solid and volunteer to write a Sport Report to honor that anniversary. I ain’t nowhere as good of a sports columnist as ClawgripFan9001 is, but that won’t stop me from trying anyway. My quest for a scoop on a sports match led me to World 7 of New Super Mario Bros. on the Nintendo DS, where I found the Lakitu Loftineers in the middle of preparing for a soccer/European football match against the Parabones Paramilitaries. Prior to the start of the match, I was able to get a hold of the Lakitu Loftineers’ trainer, Lakilarry Tuneker, for an interview. When I asked about the match that was due to take place on this fine day in this fine place, the man told me that his team of highly trained Lakitu sportsmen have been looking forward to this match for months on end, since it’s the semi-final match they have to face before they can reach the championship match of the soccer/European football league that they play in, named the Puffier League. Mr. Tuneker told me that the other semi-final match that took place before the one I’ll be covering today saw the Ruff Puff Roughousers beat the Cherbil Cheekblazers in a 3-1 victory that made them the first team of the Puffier League to advance to the championship match. As such, if his Lakitu Loftineers wanna tussle it out with the Ruff Puff Roughousers in the championship match, then the Parabones Paramilitaries are the last obstacle in their way of doing so. Shouldn’t be too hard, you’d think. Well, soon as I managed to get a hold of the Parabones Paramilitaries’ trainer, Parappas Cloudgh for a pre-match interview, that thought were proven wrong quicker than a Spiny Surge attack courtesy of yours truly. See, Mr. Cloudgh asked his team of equally highly trained Parabones sportsmen to give me a demonstration of how they are at work on the field as quickly as I asked Mr. Cloudgh if the Lakitu Loftineers were about equally skilled as the Parabones Paramilitaries were. Suffering smogwaves, did those Parabones put on a heck of a show in front of me! If the Lakitu Loftineers are to beat those boney busters today, they’re gonna have to bring their A-game to the field! And with that, it was time to get this show on the road! The referee for this game is none other than Lakithunder, the commander of the Koopa Troop’s Lakitu fleet during the Mushroom Kingdom-Koopa Kingdom Conflict of 2006!
Heh, that particular conflict also happens to have its twentieth anniversary this year as well, so I happen to be commemorating two anniversaries in one Sport Report today! Go figure! Anyway, Lakithunder blows his referee’s whistle to usher in the beginning of this sky-high sports match, after which the Lakitu Loftineers initiate the kick-off, sending the ball hurdling across the cloudy fields our aerial athletes will be playing on today! The Parabones Paramilitaries are quick to intercept the ball, and try their hardest to get it over to their opponents’ goal post, and subsequently, into said goal post! But the Lakitus’ trainer apparently expected the Parabones to be playing an aggressive offensive game today, because the Lakitus show off an incredibly strong defensive game in response to that aggressive offense from their cadaverous contenders! Next thing you know, the Lakitus have regained possession of the ball, and try their best to get it into enemy territory, no matter the effort their rivaling team tries to put into preventing the Lakitus from doing so! Soon enough, the Lakitus have gotten the ball over to the Parabones’ goal post, and with one good aim paired with one good shot, our cloud-riding crew scores the first point of the match, tipping the scales in their favor at 1-0! Determined to make up for letting the Lakitus take the lead this early on in the match, the Parabones go back on their aggressive offense that Mr. Cloudgh had them demonstrate to me prior to the start of the match! But the Lakitus are equally as determined to not let themselves crumble underneath the extreme pressure that the Parabones are trying to apply to them, which goes to show what stern stuff we’re made of, even when we’re riding in clouds all day and night long! Obviously, I’m not trying to show any favoritism from a columnist’s perspective, but from a Lakitu’s perspective, I gotta give my fellow Lakitus credit where credit’s due, know what I mean? Anyhoo, in spite of their tough as nails defense, the Lakitus sadly can’t prevent the Parabones from getting back at them by shooting the ball into their goal post, tying up the score like a pair of shoelaces at 1-1! It’s still early in the first half of the match, though, so all bets are still off as to what team will be walking, or flying away, as the case may be, with the victory today!
Soon as the Lakitus’ goalkeeper has flung the ball back out onto the field, the Lakitus go back on the offense, trying their best to make up for that merciless assault on their defenses and their home base for this particular game of soccer/European football! As expected, the Parabones in return try their hardest to prevent the Lakitus from doing just that, but even with the entire playerbase of the Parabones’ team retreating into defensive mode, it ain’t enough for them to prevent the Lakitus from sending the ball packing its bags and boarding the plane that is the Parabones’ goal post! 2-1 in favor of the Lakitu Loftineers! The Parabones’ goalkeeper then reaches for the ball, then goes and spikes it right back out into the field, after which both teams start battling for control of the ball, giving it their all in an attempt to gain the upper hand on the other! Who knew that soccer/European football up in the skies above the Mushroom Kingdom could get this fierce? I certainly didn’t, that’s for sure! Knowing is growing, though, so I’ll gladly take this as a learning experience for when I get to star in a platform game of my own one day! ‘Cause from what my ol’ pal Mario told me about his past adventures prior to meeting me, the friendly, tickety-boo appearance of the lush cloudy lands like these are rather deceiving, since they’re some of the hardest lands he’s had to cross in other to save Princess Peach’s butt from the scaly claws of King Bowser! But I’m starting to get off-track there, so let’s get back to the sports match at hand!
Anyway, one of the Parabones’ team members tries to stop one of the Lakitus’ team members, but ends up committing a foul in the process, prompting Referee Lakithunder to issue a penalty shot in favor of the Lakitus, which is met with a round of exciting cheers and applause from those in the audience who came out here to support the Lakitus today! The Lakitus quickly go and plan out their strategy for successfully landing this penalty shot, then go to try and put that strategy into motion! Our airfaring tortoises send their best penalty shooter out there to get the job done, so the boy does just that, he shoots, and scores! 3-1 for the Lakitu Loftineers! The Lakitus and their fanbase celebrate the well-landed penalty, while the Parabones look on in shame at having caused their opponents to earn a penalty shot that was successfully executed! No matter though, ‘cause there’s still fifteen minutes left on the clock before the first half is over, so the Parabones still have time and room to make up for those costly mistakes! And so the match goes on!
The Parabones go on another fierce offense as they’re determined to compensate for letting the Lakitus get such a broad lead on them this early into the game, but the Lakitus’ defense is equally as fierce, as they slowly but surely begin to push the Parabones back into their own territory, forcing all of the Parabones’ players to retreat into defensive mode instead, which is when Referee Lakithunder blows his whistle to signal that the first half of the game is already over! As all players retreat into their dressing room for a well-deserved period of rest, I join all the spectators as they make their way towards the Cloudy Café, where all the game’s concessions are being sold. As I enjoy myself a refreshing can of Cloudy-Ade along with a scrumptious Cloudball Hero, I run into none other than Ludwig von Koopa, 5-Star General of the Koopa Troop himself! At first, things start off a little awkward between the two of us, since it felt kinda awkward for me to be conversing with the 5-Star General after I defected from the Koopa Troop back during the Koopa Kingdom’s plot to conquer the Mushroom Kingdom using the Star Rod that King Bowser Koopa had stolen from Star Haven, but General Ludwig assured me there were no hard feelings being harbored towards me for the decision to defect. As such, the conversation between us gradually became more relaxed as it went on.
During my interview with General Ludwig, he tells me that he came to see the European football game between the Lakitus and the Parabones today ‘cause he’s held the most graceful diplomatic relations with the cloud-based lands of the Mushroom World on behalf of the Koopa Kingdom since 2009, which does make a whole lotta sense, if you ask me. When I asked about his stance on who could potentially be going home with the win in today’s game, the 5-Star General responded that in spite of the Lakitus’ current lead on the Parabones, he still wouldn’t rule out the possibility of the Parabones making a comeback of sky-high proportions. Can’t say I fault the man for his neutral stance on the current standings of score; After all, he’s here today for diplomatic reasons and favoritism ain’t exactly helpful in situations like that. Plus, he’s right about the potential comeback the Parabones could be making in the second half; Plenty of sports teams who built up an early lead went on to blow it later on in the game, costing them the victory in some of the greatest upsets in sports history. Anyhoo, I thank General Ludwig for this mid-session interview, and he likewise thanks me for conducting it, after which we get on with our business, since the second half of the European football match between the Lakitus and the Parabones is getting underway.
The Lakitus start off the second half pretty strong, with a goal point courtesy of Harry Kloud tipping the scales of score even further in their favor at 4-1, and midfielder Jude Billowham adding to that with another nicely shot goal, making a current total of 5-1 for the Lakitus on the scoreboard. Eventually though, the Parabones finally manage to get a bit of a foot in the door with a pair of hardly-fought goal points of their own, bringing the scoreboard slightly more back into balance at 5-3. Soon enough, we’re already down to the halfway point of the second half, with all bets still being off as the Lakitus soon manage to score their sixth goal of the match, teetering things a tad more in their favor at 6-3, only for the Parabones to angle things back into balance once more with their fourth goal of the match, making for a total of 6-4 on the scoreboard as things currently stand. Soon, we’re down to the last fifteen minutes of the game, which the Lakitus gratefully make use of to score their seventh goal of the whole show, followed by the Parabones scoring two consecutive goals within only a few minutes time, thus letting the score read 7-5 in all. In the end, though, Referee Lakithunder lets off the final whistle sign! And with 7-5 still on the board for the Lakitus, that makes them the undisputed winners of today’s match! The Lakitus and their fanbase rejoice, while the Parabones and their fanbase applaud their victory in good sportsmanship!
Following the end of the match, I catch up with Mr. Cloudgh again for his post-game thoughts. He tells me that his Parabones gave it their all today, but that luck just wasn’t on their side. He still expresses his happiness for the Lakitus and the way they emerged victorious today, however, and states that he and his Parabones will simply have to try again next season, and that things will hopefully play out better for them that time. Can’t go wrong with the amazing amount of sportsmanship Mr. Cloudgh possesses, folks! Anyhoo, that’s about all there is to say ‘bout this European football game that’s taken place in World 7 of New Super Mario Bros. DS! This has been Lakilester aka Michael aka Spike, and I wanna thank y’all for tuning in to this special Sport Report in honor of Lakituthequick’s 100th ‘Shroom issue as the paper’s Website Manager! See ya!
Bite-Sized Interview
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
Jason: Ladies and gentlemen, ghosts and ghouls, welcome one and welcome all to the show that stalks the night timeslot! And now, for the man you've all been waiting for, heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Count Numberman!
(applause)
Count Numberman: Thank you, thank you, vhat a vonderful audience! I have to say, something unusual happened to me just before I got here. So you know the city crews, they have been doing construction around the studio. Lots of cones, barriers, caution signs, that sort of thing. So I am coming into the studio tonight, and all of them are tipped over. All of them. Same direction. And I see this Ty-foo nearby, so I say to him, I say, 'Ty-foo, vhat are you doing up there?', and he says to me, 'I decided to air on the side of caution'.
Pionpi: (ba-dum *tsk*)
Jason: That's a rough one, Count.
Count Numberman: I'm sure someone appreciated it. Anyvay, let's get right into tonight's Bite-Sized Interview! Tonight's guest is Vheezlie S. Puff, proprietor of Lakitaract and Vheezlie's Curatives and Restoratives. Give him a hand, folks!
(applause)
Count Numberman: It's a pleasure to have you on the show, Mr. Puff.
Wheezlie: Dorohohohackough! The pleasure is mine, Count. Lakitaract, bless him, insisted we market our tinctures on the airwaves. Now of course I was convinced we had no need for a novelty when pamphlets and the papers had served reliably. Who had need of the wireless when we could gallivant and spread word of our tinctures wherever we so wished? I scarcely believed at the time that these technologies would persist!
Count Numberman: I know vhat you mean, just last veek I switched from candles to electric lightbulbs at home. But ve aren't here to talk about yours truly. I see you've brought a friend vith you, if you care to introduce him to the audience.
Wheezlie: Oh, but of course! My companion Timothy has stood at my side as a bodyguard and secretary for a Koopa's age. There are none as steadfast and loyal. I assure you of that on my honor as a Puff! Laki' would doubtlessly agree!
Now, now, Timothy. We mustn't forget ourselves simply because they receive us from their homes! Do make your acquaintance with the Count.
Timothy: ...
Count Numberman: Talkative fellow, I see.
Wheezlie: He has always been a Spiny of stoic demeanor! You will hardly know he's present! I suppose that is in their nature, stowing away in clouds and whatnot until called upon. Were they more talkative, how would it ever be that a Lakitu have the privilege of a rest in silence?
Count Numberman: Very true, I suppose! Ah, speaking of Lakitus, I understand that you are now the sole proprietor of your business. After spending so many years as half of a partnership, tell me, how has this affected your vork?
Wheezlie: Doroho, there is a new lightness about me! I feel spry as a youth once more! There is no faster method by which one can shed weight, save of course for our patented digestive aid!
...that's what ol' Laki would have wished for me to say. I say, he always had a mind for salesmanship. In truth, I find myself wanting for his company on all occasions. Acquiring ingredients, commingling components, road shows... No step is easier for his absence, and without his advertising presence, why, we've seen something of a drop-off in orders. I do not fret over it. That is simply the nature of business. One simply presses through dry spells!
Count Numberman: Ah, I see. Vell, here's hoping - I'm sure being interviewed by me vill give you a much-needed boost, ah ah ah! Now, I've been vondering. Lakitu's clouds, they are usually, vell... Lakitu's Clouds. Maybe sometimes you see a particularly adventurous Laktiu vanting to ride around in a more thundery version, but the point stands. So how does a Puff find themselves in that position, and do you have any insights on vhat this might mean for other cloud-based creatures in the kingdoms?
Wheezlie: A fine question! When I first became acquainted with Laki - now, when was that again? Before the birth of the young Prince Bowser the First, was it? Or was it his brother's birth being commemorated? Hmm... It was one of the royals, though it escapes me which. Well, no matter the royal, in those days, Laki still rode about on the standard-issue model. You may know, it was scandalous in those days for a Lakitu to be seen about town on any other cloud.
Laki and Timothy were acquainted at that point, Timothy of course stowing himself away in that ragged old cloud. For some time after we began our business, Laki retained that original cloud, but now and then in the small hours of the night, we would entertain the notion of my ferrying him about in place of his cloud.
We were not, as you might say, flush with capital at the time. We struggled even to disburse capital to ourselves with the meager profits we turned at the time! Our expenditure on cloud maintenance only grew by the month, but of course in those days new clouds were prohibitively expensive. As it were, as dawn crept upon us after a particularly contentious argument late into the night, finally I - do not think this old cloud proud for the winds he whipped in youth - I demanded Laki surrender his cloud and walk!
I tell you, we spoke not a word to one another for three dawns! After the fourth, Laki approached, and we determined we would trial a new arrangement. He hopped on and settled in, and the success we had in extending our partnership to transportation was tremendous! Otherwise respectable gentlefolk did turn us away at times, but such was our resolve that we returned after weeks to towns which endeavored to drive us out. Timothy settled in with Laki dutifully, and our savings allowed us to reinvest considerable sums into the business!
A great many Lakitu inform me they are reluctant to ride upon clouds other than those manufactured for them. They say they will freeze in an Ice Puff, or struggle to navigate when riding upon a Foo. Poppycock! We never encountered such difficulties in all of years of partnership, and our closeness opened a great many doors to us. Our kingdom would benefit from pairing Puffs and Foos and Pikkarikuns with all manners of Lakitu! Tremendous savings are to be gained, Count! Tremendous, I say!
Count Numberman: That's quite the origin story, perhaps ve vill see it in a movie someday! I must admit I'm curious about the viability of riding on a Smogrin, myself. Now then, let's stir the cauldron, as they say. I'm sure you're vell avare that vhen many think of Puffs, they still think of Bowser's Star Rod campaign vhere Huff N. Puff served as one of his generals. Vhat are your thoughts on him?
Wheezlie: Huff? I say, don't tell me that cad has enraptured you as well, Count! Undeserving of being called a Puff, if you ask me! They may shower him in medals and tout his work in Flower Fields, but what did he accomplish at his station? It was the Monty