The 'Shroom:Issue 225/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! We're in SPACE! Well, not really, but the glow-in-the-dark stars we stuck on the walls and ceiling of the office are really doing wonders to get us in a cosmic mood. Even that tricky Lumacomète Comet Luma likes it!
Even if we're not literally in space, we have an out of this world edition of Fake News for you today! Naturally for our space theme, Shoey (talk) has written one more News Flush concluding the Toad Brigade's expedition to Planet Stasiak, Tatanga has apparently stolen ClawgripFan9001's account again to bring us another Close Encounters of the Shroom Kind on a particularly icy alien, and if your holiday travel plans take you to Shooting Star Summit, you might want to take a look at the latest Weather Forecast. And who could forget the Year of Waluigi? Our resident Waluigi superfan Wallace Ulysses brings the purple prodigy's 25th anniversary to a close with a guest edition of Monthly Inquisition - bet you can't guess who he's interviewing! Speaking of being inquisitive, Investigative Research is taking a short break this month, but I'm sure we'll be hearing from those two again soon. The rest of our usual sections are here, so get ready to blast off!
Sadly, we're saying goodbye to our longest-running section - this month's edition of Mushroom Tribune (or Goldenrod Gazette, rather) will be the last. After over fifty issues of hard-hitting journalism from the world of Mario and beyond, Shoey and Hooded Pitohui (talk) are hanging up their hats. Don't miss out on the final edition, and may Tribune fly high among the stars!
Have you thought about New Year's resolutions yet? Here's one for you - how about writing that 'Shroom section you've been putting off! Everything you need to get started on a new section can be found on our sign up page, or if you'd like to write a one-off edition of something like News Flush, Weather Forecast, or Monthly Inquisition, just contact me privately and I'll help you get things sorted out, no need for a fancy application there!
Section of the Month
It's TV time! Congratulations to MightyMario (talk) for snagging first place last month with the debut edition of his TV Tomorrow revival! But don't touch that dial - ClawgripFan9001 comes in second with his own Waluigi-themed spin of the same section, tying with DryBonesBandit's (talk) coverage of the humble Pokio in Dry Dry Data. Thank you to everyone who voted, and be sure to keep supporting your favorite sections!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | TV Tomorrow | 10 | 23.26% | MightyMario (talk) |
| 2nd | TV Tomorrow | 5 | 11.63% | ClawgripFan9001 |
| 2nd | Dry Dry Data | 5 | 11.63% | DryBonesBandit (talk) |
Written by: Parshoe G. Shoelow (talk)
Art by: TPG (talk)
Planet Stasiak Found!!
An exciting transmission from the Toad Brigade has confirmed that the team has landed on what was believed to be Planet Stasiak, and that to the best of their knowledge this is indeed Planet Stasiak. Upon landing on the rustic planet, which was described as being almost untouched by any sort of development, the brave Toads discovered a wild planet of mountains and forests with nary a building in sight. The crew was immediately swarmed by dozens of muscular individuals that looked identical to Planet Stasiak, even sporting the same sunglasses Planet Stasiak was wearing. Described as a primitive people similar to the Cave People of Dinosaur World, the denizens of Planet Stasiak, who spoke English (to the delight of the Toad Brigade), unfortunately speak only in broken nonsensical sentences similar to Planet Stasiak. Despite communication difficulties, they were apparently a friendly lot. Despite some seeming reluctance, our own Planet Stasiak, who was described by 'Shroom Photographer TPG to be extremely nervous while talking to the Stasiaks of Planet Stasiak, managed to talk the Stasiaks of Planet Stasiak into taking the Toad Brigade to their village.
Seemingly a society of hunters, the Stasiaks had little in the way of buildings or even tools, instead appearing to live in very primitive huts. Rather than hunting with tools, the crew told us they hunt with unsophisticated power moves, using a series of lifts and throws to weaken their prey before finishing off the prey with a signature throw they apparently call the Perfect Plant. Despite the seeming lack of access to anything resembling modern or even primitive tools, there was one stunning example of masonry; the crew found a large statue that apparently resembles former WWWF (now known as the WWE) champion Stan "The Man" Stasiak holding a championship belt that looks shockingly similar to the 1970s WWWF World Heavyweight championship. According to 'Shroom Photographer TPG, upon seeing the statue, Planet Stasiak, seemingly in shock, muttered "d-dad?". At night, the Stasiaks of Planet Stasiak apparently entertained themselves in one of two ways. They shared a primitive type of poetry featuring a crude rhythm structure with each poem being about Planet Stasiak, which the crew described as borderline nonsensical. Alternatively, they engaged in a type of ritualistic combat apparently similar to professional wrestling, where every match ended the same way with one of the Stasiaks defeating another with a move called the "Meat Grinder", at least according to the chants from the Stasiaks in the crowd.
After spending a few weeks on Planet Stasiak engrossing themselves in the "culture" and charting the planet for future exploration, the crew decided to head home. Before leaving, according to TPG, they learned a shocking revelation after offering to leave Planet Stasiak behind so that he could remain with his people. Planet Stasiak reportedly said in a borderline-desperate tone:
Are you nuts? You can't leave me here! These people are freaks! I'm not from Planet Stasiak! I'm from California! Planet Stasiak was just a gimmick I had when I was a wrestler! You gotta get me away from these weirdos.
After this statement, he quickly boarded the ship, desperately attempting to avoid being seen by the Stasiaks of Planet Stasiak. If Planet Stasiak's statement is true and he's not actually from Planet Stasiak, this reporter just has one question. Why is there a planet filled with an identical species of people?
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: Cloudwalker, MightyMario, and Boo1268
DEAR [[Waluigi Time]],
HELP !
I HEAR Y0U HAD [[Limited-Time Offer]] FOR QUESTIONS ABOUT [Cyber]SPACE SO SPAMTON G. SPAMTON IS [[Here to help]]!!
D0 YOU KNOW HoW 2 GET [Customers] TO [[Accept Offer?]] [Deal Or No Deal]?
I N33D HELP FOR [Business offer]
-SPAMT oN !!
Something wrong with your keyboard, buddy? Maybe you should buy a new one, yours seems like it's seen, uh, better days. But yes, as an extremely successful businessman (despite what my shareholders keep yelling at me about), I'm very good at getting people to buy things! Persistence is key, never stop shilling! Did you know that I once influenced the direction of a highly respected racing publication just by being really annoying about it? Sure, I went obnoxiously overboard and may have scared some people off the concepts of "democracy" and "voting" for good and if I tried to do it again I think I'd probably get whacked on the head, but at the same time... I won, so what's it worth to you? Besides, "mayhem" was in the title!
Also, you can sell a lot of things people don't want by giving them something they do want! If your expensive, unwanted product isn't selling, just throw in a cheaper, popular product for free when they buy it! It's allegedly a good deal because you're only spending a little more money to get more things than you would've gotten if you just bought the one thing, even if you didn't actually want the other thing.
Finally, never underestimate the power of FOMO! It's a scientific fact that sales increase approximately 32% if customers think this is their only chance to buy something ever. Sure, maybe they don't want it now, but what if they want it later? They could always go to online resellers but by that point they've added three zeroes on to the end of the price and it's a bad deal.
Granted, I'm still stuck with crates full of rancid cereal-filled Bob-ombs in my warehouse, so what do I know?
Dear Waluigi Time,
My new cat won't stop knocking ornaments off the tree. How do I get them to leave those shiny little orbs alone?
-Cayde
Here's the problem, cats think they rule the world. Of course, this is objectively false because as we all know bacteria rule the world (if you're going to try to dispute that, name one head of state who's never spent a week with the common cold) but cats would never admit it. Anyway, your cat has probably decided that the Christmas tree is a galaxy filled with planets that they have complete power over, which isn't really the best situation to be in if you value your ornament collection and not having glass shards in your feet.
As the old adage says, the best defense is de fence. It's really that simple! Just partition off your tree so the cat can't get to it. That includes making sure there aren't other objects around that your cat can use to climb over the barrier and get at the tree anyways, because then you're not really accomplishing anything. Unless you want a comically tall divider blocking your view of the Christmas tree, which I don't think you do.
Alternatively, out-cat your cat! Get a Super Bell and establish yourself at the top of the cat hierarchy. I don't really know where I was going with this, but you can probably figure it out. I think the cat form gives you cat-like instincts. Maybe. Just try to resist the urge to knock ornaments off the tree.
Hey there Mr. WT, know any good places I can host a podrace? I've been itching to host one for some time now, but haven't been able to since all the planets are crowded this time of year!
From Rook Beak the Crook Beak.
If there's one thing the Mario Kart Racing Association has taught me, it's that you can host a race anywhere! Lava-filled castles! Dinosaur research labs! A straight highway! On top of a rainbow!!! So the question isn't "where", but "what", as in "what's the most fun". I'd offer up my amusement park but unfortunately there's not enough room for a racetrack there, and I don't want to demolish any rides to make room. You can play bumper cars if you want, though.
Where was I going with that? Oh yeah, racing venues! I've watched all the Star Wars movies so I know a thing or two about podracers, like that they don't need to deal with pesky things like gravity as much. We have go-karts that can do that too, but I guess that went out of style for some reason. But it does open up your options, like how about instead of racing on city streets, you race across city rooftops! You won't even have to worry about dealing with traffic up there because who else is going to be driving on roofs? That's right, nobody! ...If any New Wikisburg officials ask, I didn't suggest this. But it would be cool. But I don't endorse it.
Say, you need any sponsors? The MKRA won't return my calls, so...
Written by: MightyMario (talk)
It's time once again for TV Tomorrow! I'm your host, MightyMario, and this is what's airing this December! You'll see plenty of space shows airing this month, but we haven't forgotten about Christmas, either. What channel or service will you put on this Christmas? (You could just put on the 24-hour annual marathon of A Christmas Story, that's always an option).
Without further ado, let's see what's on TV!
Cable/Satellite
Special: Rosalina's Spacetime Spectacular - Live from Starview Peak
Network: MKBC starting at 7:00 PM MKST
Genre: Event/Music/Live
If there's any event that you need to watch this holiday season, it's certainly this one. Rosalina and her Lumas, as well as special musical guests Birdo and Pauline, are set to entertain with a show unlike any other. Look to the cosmos as millions of stars race across the night sky, planets move into view, and the ever-famous Comet Observatory appears. Starview Peak has been chosen for its stunning views and has become synonymous with Rosalina herself. She calls it "a home away from home, filled with impressive crystal structures and beautiful scenery".
Birdo, along with Pauline, will sing familiar tunes centered around space including:
- I Left My Heart in an Asteroid Belt
- Launch Star
- Welcome New Galaxy
- Grand Star in the Sky
The event begins at 7:00 PM, I won't be missing this one, for sure!
Movie: Attack on Space Land (2000)
Network: SMN (Space Movie Network) at 9:00 PM MKST
Genre: Action/Sci-fi
2000's Attack on Space Land is celebrating its 25th anniversary this year. Black Hole Bowser has set his sights on the Power Stars within Space Land, leading a band of plucky protagonists to stop him from achieving his mad desires of conquest. The film, while not doing that well in the box office, has become a cult classic of sorts since its release. Johnson's role as Kevin Koopa, as well as Bowser's performance as Black Hole Bowser, have been described as one of the film's best strengths. Attack on Space Land would later receive a remake in 2021, but it was deemed not as good as the original.
Streaming
Show: Yoshi, the Red-nosed Yoshi
Streaming on: HolliJolli
Genre: Family/Holiday
The holiday spirit is upon us all, and a good way to embrace it is to watch the latest Christmas special centered around everyone's favorite Yoshi: Yoshi! He's put on a reindeer facade, ready to help deliver presents to everyone around the world. Santa Claus (played by Mario) has requested that Yoshi guide his sleigh tonight, after discovering that his nose can glow red. This, while sounding very familiar and similar to another famous Christmas special, is assuredly an original idea crafted by director Morty T. Ghost.
Show: Squirple, Adventurer of the Whoa Zone
Streaming on: Squirple+
Genre: Adventure/Comedy
Squirps, an excitable young Squirpian from Outer Space, sets out to explore the Whoa Zone and all it has to offer. He searches for the Pure Heart as well, hidden somewhere in the Whoa Zone by his mother, Squirpina XIV, just before her empire fell. Squirps meets allies and foes across his adventures, but the goal remains the same: find the Pure Heart and restore the Kingdom of Squirple!
Tonight's episode sees Squirps visit King Croacus IV, who claims to have information about the Pure Heart. However, the Floro Sapiens seem to have an eye on Squirps. Can Squirps find out what information the King has? Or will he be doomed to be under the control of the Floro Sprout for good? Tune in to see what happens!
Program of the Month
This month's program is…
Show: The Tatanga Show
Network: Toad Network
Genre: Sitcom
Tatanga, the alien once known for trying to take over Sarasaland, has found himself in a pickle. Pagosu has been wrecked and his warranty has expired, his minions have all left his influence, and Daisy still doesn't like him. What's a space alien to do? Star in a sitcom, of course! Toad Town Gazette calls The Tatanga Show "hilariously good" and "filled with laughs enough to make the other comedies seem dull in comparison". Tatanga now works as a dishwasher at the Space Zone Diner, frequented by various patrons all across the galaxy. What makes this show Program of the Month is the episode where Wario convinces Tatanga to be in his boss lineup, giving him a Golden Coin to guard. Chaos ensues and Tatanga ends up losing the coin in a battle, and now must hide the evidence from one angry Wario.
That'll do it for this edition of TV Tomorrow! I'm MightyMario and remember, without the TV guide, you're just flipping. See you in 2026!
Written by: Boo1268
A Cold Cut Into a Cosmic Location
Hello, readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. Christmas time is almost here! And you know what that means? Everyone's bundling up with cups of hot cocoa in hand. As the snow begins to fall, pack your gloves, put your tinsel under the tree, and read this edition of The Spectral Lens with me! Can you believe it? Christmas is only FIVE DAYS AWAY! And while I have been swamped as of late getting presents for all my friends and family this year, that doesn't mean I can't provide you with an early Christmas gift in the form of a new Spectral Lens issue! And since this issue is all about space and its many wonders within it, I figured I would take this opportunity to spark a discussion about the history behind Pristine Peaks’ very own Winter Palace and how it came to be what it is today.
| Pristine Peaks | |
|---|---|
|
If you enjoy mountaineering, snow and history, this planet is the place for you. Filled to the brim with historical sights and wonders aplenty, Pristine Peaks is known for its plentiful amount of unique stone carvings, tourist attractions, and connection to the greater cosmos. |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know that most of the rope bridges and pathways located here were man-made, or rather Rabbid-made, by their very own hands? | |
Our story begins where I last left off, as previously I was seemingly stranded within the alternate Rabbid dimension, which was a parallel dimension similar to our own, the only difference being that it was filled to the brim with Rabbids. But if you want more of an explanation, make sure to check out last month’s issue. Anyhow, after exploring Palette Prime, I returned to the place we had to stop and make repairs, where I asked the locals on where I could find a portal out of this dimension so I could make my way towards Pristine Peaks (the place Mr. M invited me for a vacation), only to be told that this dimension WAS where it was located, and that it was right next to Palette Prime. After single-handedly making a fool out of myself, I made my way towards Pristine Peaks, where I encountered Dion the Moe-Eye who was said to be employed by Mr. M, who had invited me to come join in watching the passing of the Cosmic Crystals. After arriving and making my way to the Winter Palace, I had decided that I wanted to treat my friend Cosmo and his family to a fun and frosty vacation on said planet. During my stay however, not only would a slew of wacky hijinks ensue, but I would also gain the urge to delve deeper into the history behind the palace and what secrets lay within its walls, so during our stay (and after our cosmic adventure) I dug deeper into the snowy story of this winter wonderland. As such, here's what I uncovered.
| Cosmic Crystals | |
|---|---|
|
One of several branches of crystal originating from Meteor Ω, a meteor filled to the brim with wonderite. These gems allow a user to harness their powers to create energy fields that can contain anything inside, from pigs, to structures, to even ghosts. |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know that with enough gravitational force the crystal's power can be used to create a planet with its own mini atmosphere? The gravitational shockwave even pushes things away once the planets are destroyed. | |
Many years ago, similar to what I discussed last month, after the creation of this alternate universe by a set of strange items, Pristine Peaks was formed, looking completely different than it does now, with its harsh rugged mountains being completely untamed, with the cold winds and slippery peaks being only conquered by the natural wildlife, being the only ones able to thrive in the harsh winter of the land. Eventually after some time, a small group of Rabbids specialising in mountaineering traveled the stars beyond in search of a place to call their own, and eventually landed on Pristine Peaks. After settling up a place to call home, the Rabbids began to colonise their new home, dubbing it Pristine Peaks, forming their own civilization and even their own religion around a mountain god that was able to harness winter’s cold winds, but THAT'S a story for another time. As the civilization began to grow over the years, gaining more and more advancement in terms of technology, language, and even culture, one Rabbid in particular named Miletus Thales was fascinated by the stars high in the sky above his home land. He would stare into the night sky days on end, wanting to learn more about the stars and other places among them. He would even make shapes out of the stars titling them constellations. This fascination of stars and outer space turned Thales into the first ever Pristine Peaks astronomer. Thales, after many years researching the stars in his family's home from his astral telescope, would over time become the father of astrology. His books and study of the stars, constellations and even other planets would be jotted down, and his book, “The interstellar atlas for the cosmos and you” became the baseline when discussing anything regarding planets, stars, constellations, space nebulas, and more. However, the work that Thales had collected had only just begun, as his future grandchildren would continue to expand upon his work in the years to come.
| Statues of Annie Canyon & Galilei Galleo | |
|---|---|
|
Two of the most notable astronomers from the Thales bloodline, immortalized as stone statues depicting their specific interests alongside their contributions to astrological advancement. |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know that not only are the statues used as a part of an ingenious mechanism to open the palace's library door, but they are also placed where each one liked to spend their time the most? | |
Many years would pass, and as more and more knowledge was gained about the stars and planets among the multiple slew of galaxies, in the vast reaches of space, more and more research needed to be done. Alongside this, a vast amount of wealth to fund said research would need to be obtained. Eventually, Galilei Galleo would come to inherit his great grandfather’s work and his drive to discover the stars. His passion for astrology caught the attention of Annie Canyon, a wealthy aristocrat who loved fashion. In no time at all, he stole her heart and eventually married her. Now with her wealth, Galilei was finally able to construct a place to store all his family’s knowledge about the vast reaches of space, and even have a luxurious life of his own. This place, the place that would become one of the highlights of Pristine Peaks, would eventually come to be known as the Winter Palace. The palace would be constructed over several months. During that time, Galilei became very popular in the field of astronomy, due to presenting at the time the most accurate measurement of the Milky Way Galaxy, (in their universe, mind you) which would be the base that future astronomers would use to aid in the complete measurement of the Milky Way years later. Not only that, he would be the one to first present the theory of how black holes are created and what happens to someone inside of them, and while to some these revelations might not be all that amazing, for the time these ideas and concepts would pave the way for even greater discoveries for astronomers years down the line.
| The Palace Library | |
|---|---|
|
The extensive library of the winter palace, filled to the brim with books upon books of astrology, knowledge of the solar system, and mystical star children, among many more. |
| Fun Fact!: The statue at the center of the Library depicts Miletus Thales in his younger years. It serves as a monument to the palace he would unknowingly create with his simple drive and knowledge. | |
Sometime after the palace's construction, Annie Canyon would be inspired by her husband's work to create her own set of star based fashion lines, using differing star constellations as her base. The dresses she made would sell like hot cakes on the fashion market, being noted for a time as one of the most popular dresses across multiple planets. Alongside this, another one of her contributions to astronomy would come in the form of naming the slew of constellations that littered the sky and even giving spiritual meanings to each and everyone of them. As the years would go on, Annie and Galilei would continue to make advancements in the world of astronomy in their own unique ways, with Galilei preferring to spend his time in the grand library and the palace’s personal hedge maze to think through questions and theories he came up with, while Annie preferred to stay mostly inside testing out her slew of Star Bit-based fashion products and dresses in her own personal room. Eventually however, at the ages of 86 and 91 respectively, both of them passed away, leaving the now seemingly complete palace to their most trusted servant Telesio. Telesio would come to care for the palace as if it was his own, and while he personally had no interest in astronomy, he knew that his master's work was very precious to him, so Telesio, gaining a stroke of brilliance, constructed a mechanism that only HE knew the answer to, so as to prevent anyone from coming into the library unannounced. Under Telesio’s supervision, many events were held at the palace, from skating tournaments, to cooking competitions, to even advertising the palace with the help of a massive ski gondola. However, the crafter of this gondola misinterpreted the idea and had created a gondola that tipped on the edge near the mountain’s peak. Not wanting to risk breaking the massive piece of woodwork, Telesio decided to just leave the gondola where it was, as seemingly a happy accident, and it has remained there ever since.
| The Winter Palace | |
|---|---|
|
A massive palace filled to the brim with lots of stunning architecture, winding maze-like rooms, a hedge maze, and a grand library filled with all the astronomy books you could desire, now adjourned and decorated by a Rosalina enthusiast. |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know that the palace's maze-like layout was somewhat planned? It was made as such so as to confuse would-be intruders with its mystical teleporting doors. | |
As the years would go on, Telesio would become tired of taking care of the place and decided to take a vacation to a much warmer planet for a few months. However, this would be a very poorly timed decision, for only a few weeks later after being on hiatus, two things would occur. Firstly would be the arrival of a strange hitchhiking captain and his even stranger companion. The second would be that around the same time, the Darkmess disaster would occur, causing the harsh cold winds of the mountain god to become manifest, it in turn causing the entirety of Pristine Peaks to be enveloped in snow and ice, the cold and blackened Darkmess ice even making its way into the palace itself by way of a strange spectral force who was able to completely bypass the tricks and traps the palace had to offer. Of course, you all know the rest of the story by now, don't you? The heroes save the day, Cursa is defeated, Captain Orion becomes the Warden of Pristine Peaks, and the palace was returned (somewhat) back to its original state, only now gaining additional decoration in the form of Rosalina crowns and imagery. And that's where the story SHOULD end, right? Well, not just yet, for you see, sometime AFTER the Darkmess disaster occurred, Telesio was informed of the large amounts of ice and snow that wrecked the place in his absence, and quickly rushed back to clean the mess. However, unable to do it on his own, Telesio had a brilliant idea. Using some of the funds gifted to him in his master’s will, he decided to hire staff to help clean his prized palace and transform it into a wondrous hotel, presenting his master’s accomplishments for all to see and enjoy. Things would continue to prosper as the years went on, until one day, a mysterious individual titling themselves Mr. M asked to borrow the palace for an extended period of time, so he could host an event known as the passing of the Cosmic Crystals.
| Captain Orion | |
|---|---|
|
A strange, far-flung captain who sometimes has the mind of a clam, but the heart of a pearl. Kind and caring to all, he makes sure that Pristine Peaks is in tip-top shape, especially the Winter Palace where he sometimes takes up residence. |
| Fun Fact!: Captain Orion has a rather complex history which I won't get into here, but one thing to say is that not only has he escaped from Cursa unscathed, but even was the one to help slay a MASSIVE space shark, in THIS dimension anyways. | |
That brings us to today, where the Winter Palace, after passing through so many hands at this point, still retains one of its core values, that being the perseverance of knowledge and that one's passion for a subject can influence others in big ways. So remember dear readers, pursue your dreams no matter how small you may think they are, get invested in your passions so that way you can create something meaningful behind them, and never forget that no matter what you do, your family and those that care about you will always support your dreams in their own special way, throughout generations to come, as among all things family and their loving warmth is the thing that can bare even the toughest and coldest of storms. And so, with that, our story ends. I really hope you all enjoyed this edition of The Spectral Lens! It took quite a bit to get done but even still I hope you all enjoy it! If you have any suggestions for what I should look into next time, make sure to check out my official forum page. I'm always willing to warm up to any cool ideas you all have so don't be afraid to give me suggestions. And with that I say: Merci, au revoir and MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Dry Dry Data
Written by: DryBonesBandit (talk)
It was a night before Christmas, and a night to remember… as one researcher began her quest for December… yeah, I’m not keeping up this rhyming scheme. Welcome back to Dry Dry Data, brought to you by the one and only DryBonesBandit, as always. It may be the holiday season (happy holidays!), but I’m still risking my unlife to bring you the content that I hope you enjoy.
There’s a spacey theme for the paper this month, as I’m sure you’ve noticed! Naturally, this means I’m writing about an icy creature from space, right? The Ice bat, perhaps? Or maybe the Li'l Brr? You’d be wrong to think that. I could not actually find either of these things which I would have much preferred to have written about, so instead I settled on a rocky inhabitant of the chilly peaks of Freezeflame Galaxy, which from what I’ve heard is called a Bomp? (??????) I’m not sure if this thing is actually alive but we’re writing about it anyway!
The Adventure
It was the 29th of November when I received the terrible news that this issue was themed around space. To some, it might not have been so bad. But to me? Absolutely horrible. I prefer to study the creatures that I can find on the planet I call home. Anyway, I got a lift to Freezeflame Galaxy by the Bonneter I befriended last issue; apparently, their home was an airship capable of space travel. That was odd to see.
We landed on a large rock known as “Freezy Peak”, which is apparently ruled by a large, cold ruler who was not there that day. The Bonneter had business to take care of in the Dark Side so he had left me on Freezy Peak for an hour or two. Carefully going down the mountainside, I encountered a few cubic, rocky faces in the wall. I approached them quietly so as to not startle them (I already have terrible luck with my studies so I didn’t want to frighten the large rock monster.) However, it opened its eyes and lunged at me! I’d be very scared if it weren’t so easy to sidestep. It kept emerging from the wall and retracting back into its very tight abode until it eventually just gave up. Satisfied with my study and not wanting to continue past the sleepy stone guy, I headed back up Freezy Peak and waited for the Bonneter to return, which he did shortly afterwards.
The Analysis
There isn’t much to say about these rocky fellows, if I’m perfectly honest. Bomps are made entirely from stone, except for their two, relatively small eyes. They have large eyebrows and two “puffy” cheeks made of stone which give them a permanent frown. Bomps are quite unexpressive, only able to emerge from their cliffside homes and blink aggressively at you.
Bomps thrive in many environments. Of course, they can survive the freezing cold temperatures of Freezy Peak, but apparently they can also be found in warmer climates like Chomp Ruins, Whomp's Fortress in Throwback Galaxy, and Fluffy Bluff Galaxy, as well as the waters of Buoy Base. From what I can gather, they seem to be related to Whomps and Thwomps, and are likely some sort of spirit… Perhaps I should have left these guys to Goldoo. Bomps don’t appear to require anything to eat or drink, and can live with the simple necessities of oxygen (I think?? Do they even have lungs???) and a hole in the wall.
Anyway, Bomps can’t really do much, which is actually kind of sad. The most they can do is emerge from their cliffside crevasses to push away passersby. Honestly, I don’t blame them. They live peacefully in their walls, only for some plumber to pass by and use them as a platform to get higher… I’d be angry too. Their name appears to be a combination of “bump”, derived from what they do best, and “-omp”, like Thwomp, Whomp, Flomp, etcetera.
Oh, and apparently they have two faces. Don’t know how anyone figured that out, but it’s true. Be very scared.
The End
Happy holidays to all! Leave a suggestion on my talk page or on the Super Mario Boards for what you want me to write about in January!
Written by: Legend 8
There was supposed to be an advertisement for the new "AntiTech Mystery Christmas Present" here, but it was removed for safety reasons after the creator Pyrokles' assistant, Kroop, hinted that the product likely contains an arcane mechanism to mind-control customers. Upon being questioned, the Magikoopa confirmed this, claiming that he "[...] did it for the nostalgia! After all, last time I tried this was two years ago, one of our very first shows!".
It is still unclear whether there will be any penalties against the antilogician, who had attempted multiple world-conquering schemes in the past, but was deemed not a real threat due to the strange restrictions of his powers. Following another recommendation by his assistant, a check of his sanity is currently also pending. If Kroop's suspicions prove themselves correct, he will not be held accountable, but might have to take a few therapy sessions.
Goldenrod Gazette
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
The Goldenrod Gazette, now a twinned publication with The 'Shroom, is your trusted guide to the latest happenings in Goldenrod City and beyond!
Proposed Bug Catching Contest Rule Changes Spark Debate
As another Saturday begins, another Bug Catching Contest is ready to take place. The long-running event hosted every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday by National Park officials sees trainers from miles around enter the park on a bug hunt. These trainers come hoping to catch rare bug Pokémon such as Scyther or Pinsir, drawn by their dreams of winning rare prizes and gaining a new, rare companion. Only the top three finishers are allowed to keep their catches, a rule established to ensure the biodiversity of bug Pokémon in the National Park stays healthy. Originally the winner received a Sun Stone, but in the last few years National Park officials have been offering up a rotation of evolutionary stones as the top prize, although the rare Sun Stone is still the most common.
Commencing with the competition at noon every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, contestants are allowed to bring in only one Pokémon and must use special Park Balls as their sole source of Poké Balls, with twenty given to each contestant. With a twenty-minute time limit, a contestant is allowed to keep one Pokémon they've caught in that timespan to bring to the judges. The contest is a long-beloved tradition that brings trainers from all over Johto as well as Kanto thanks to the Magnet Train! For years, it has brought in tourist dollars from trainers traveling to the contest and donations to the park, because, while there may not be a fee to the enter the contest, donations are heavily encouraged! The contest has seen some notable moments, such as Pokéfan William snapping Cool Trainer Nick's three-month winning streak with a Shiny Pinsir. There was the time an unusually severe frost sent most of the bug Pokémon into hiding, leading to a record low amount of Pokémon caught and resulting in a young Schoolboy named Kipp winning with a Paras in perhaps the only time a Paras was enough to win! Most famously, there was the time when a migration of Volbeat made a landing in the park mid-contest, setting off a frenzy as trainers attempted to nab this rare Pokémon!
But even though the Bug Catching Contest remains a beloved part of Goldenrod culture, there has been criticism of it. Much of the criticism has concerned the scoring rules, which many trainers find confusing and borderline archaic. Having not changed since the first Bug Catching Contest ran, the scoring is based on a complex formula with points awarded based on max HP, HP at the time the Pokémon is caught, and total stats oddly broken down into four different parts based on the different stats. Each stat receives different weighting, with Defense being the most heavily weighted and Speed being the least, but if a Shiny Pokémon is turned in, then the stats are ignored and the participant instead receives the full stat. Finally, a single point is awarded to any Pokémon caught that's holding an item. This formula has oftentimes garnered criticism as being overly complex, making it difficult for participants, especially the many tourists who travel just to compete in the contest, to properly participate in the Bug Catching Contest. Many have complained about feeling stressed while attempting to solve what feels like a math equation during an already short twenty-minute contest. There has been particular criticism over the fact that participants are dinged for actually damaging the Pokémon they're trying to capture. Considering participants only get twenty Park Balls, a special proprietary ball which according to rumors are about as effective as a Great Ball, and the rule that only the three top-placing participants get to keep their Pokémon, there have been many stressful situations in which trainers wasted all of their Park Balls on full health Butterfree, Pinsir, and Scyther in an attempt to increase their odds of winning. Further criticism is directed at the fact that there is no inherent value in capturing rare Pokémon because the scoring system only factors in stats. One famous incident saw a participant capture a rarely-seen Yanma only to be forced to release it because its stats weren't enough to place, much to their frustration!
Because of these criticisms, the National Park Rangers Office has announced that it's considering revising the rules. In particular, they're giving consideration to replacing the stat-based scoring formula with a new formula that takes into account things that a competitor has more control over. For instance, they're considering factors such as the level of Pokémon caught, HP of Pokémon caught, and a scale based on the rarity of the captured Pokémon, with species like Scyther and Pinsir scoring the highest and Caterpie and Weedle scoring the lowest. These proposed changes have so far attracted mostly positive reception, with many feeling that these changes will make it easier for new people to compete and will make the contests less stressful over all. But not all the reception to the proposed rule changes has been positive. Some have argued that changing the rules will remove a lot of strategy from the contest, turning it simply into a contest of people simply bashing their Pokémon's heads into the rare bug Pokémon such as Pinsir and Scyther and turning the Bug Catching Contest from a test of strategy into a contest which rewards simple brute force. Leading the charge in opposition to any rule changes is record-holding 437-time Bug Catching Contest winner Cool Trainer Nick, who provided us with the following statement:
While I can see how some people might think the Bug Catching Contest is intimidating for newcomers and even veterans, I don't think that's a bad thing. Rather, I think that's what makes the Bug Catching Contest special. It's a rigorous challenge of trying to find the best all-around bug Pokémon in as little time as possible. It's not just smashing your Pokémon into another and then catching it. You have to factor everything about that Pokémon into the equation - its stats, health, even if it has an item. All of these matter in the grand scheme of things currently, whereas under the proposed rule changes, the main thing that would matter is what you caught. Not only that, but the current rules, by providing bonus points for doing less damage to what you catch, promote not needlessly hurting the wild Pokémon since only the top three placers will be allowed to keep theirs and the rest will be released into the wild. The Bug Catching Contest isn't supposed to be an easy thing. It's supposed to be a trainer's test of their catching skills and not just their battling skills. And I feel that these proposed rule changes would dumb down the contest and ruin what I feel is the spirit of the contest
With the debate over proposed rule changes being in the early stages, we've asked longtime correspondents Super Nerd Hooded Pitohui and Cue Ball Shoey for their opinions.
|
Hood, all I can say to the idea of changing the rules to the Bug Catching Contest is "finally!". For years the Bug Catching Contest has been plagued by outright archaic rules ruining what should be a good time for trainers. It turned what was supposed to be a fun contest about catching bug Pokémon into a math equation! I can't tell you how frustrating it was to catch a Beedrill and then have to pull out a pocket calculator to do long division on its stats to figure out if it was worth entering or not, let alone trying to divide its remaining HP to calculate my total score! It was ridiculous! I shouldn't need a degree in mathematics to win a Sun Stone! That's not even including the frustration of trying to catch bugs without doing damage to them with just a Park Ball, 'cause remember, you only get 20! And then you finally catch the Pokémon and you realize its stats aren't good enough, so after wasting precious time calculating your projected point total – if you could figure out the formulas to begin with - you realize with only a few minutes left that your Butterfree isn't good enough. Suddenly you gotta go running to try to find a better bug Pokémon with just a few minutes left! All of this for a Sun Stone! Something that can only evolve like two Pokémon! But still you need the stone 'cause Gotta Catch 'Em All! I hope wholeheartedly that they change the rules and I hope they do it quickly! 'Cause sure, I see the argument that this is going to prioritize only rare Pokémon, but I don't care! Anything would be better than what we have right now! |
|
Hm, how disappointing and yet unsurprising to hear that from you, my colleague. The criticisms that have been leveraged against the Bug Catching Contest over the years are not only overblown, but completely misguided. The criticisms, as well as the proposed rule changes which have been produced in response to them, miss the point of the Bug Catching Contest by treating the contest primarily as a chance to capture Pokémon. Capturing Pokémon is not and never has been the point of the Bug Catching Contest, but it will become its central focus if we toss out a scoring system which has worked just fine for years and replace it with one which assigns greater value to some species over others! Instead of carefully observing bug Pokémon in the wild and studying their behaviors to determine the best way to capture them with minimal harm done, trainers will be running over Caterpie and Weedle, potentially crushing them underfoot in a rush to find a Scyther or Pinsir! For years, the Bug Catching Contest has engendered curiosity about and passion for Bug-types by encouraging trainers to take the time to study their catches by calculating their stats, but now the National Park Rangers Office is ready to turn it into a glorified Safari Game! Leave the focus on rushing to find the rarest specimen to the Safari Zone, and keep our Bug Catching Contest focused on inspiring a rich appreciation for bug Pokémon! |
| I hear the criticisms of Shoe and others. "Oh, we only get twenty Park Balls and trying to catch a Pokémon at full HP is too hard". Bring a Pokémon capable of inducing Sleep! Sleep Powder does no damage and makes capturing Pokémon easier. Some say it takes too much time to calculate a Pokémon's stats. Again, I say that is the point! Competitors are learning to appreciate bug Pokémon, slowing down despite the time limit to get to know their catch. Now, yes, I grant that this means a competitor can catch a Pokémon with poor stats by sheer bad luck and that they may feel the time spent getting to know their catch is "wasted" since only the top three finishers keep their caught Pokémon, but what time is "wasted" is a matter of perspective. Was that time not well-spent out in nature, out among Pokémon and fellow trainers? I admit that the Bug Catching Contest uses an opaque, archaic scoring system based upon outdated understandings of Pokémon stats. No, it's not easy to understand, but that's not what it's designed for. If your only concern is walking away with a rare Pokémon or the prestige of a victory, then, sure, it's strange that the score factors in whether a caught Pokémon is holding an item or not. Flip your perspective, however, and you realize that, by valuing held items, the scoring system encourages trainers to learn what bug Pokémon feed upon in nature or what attracts bug Pokémon. Trainers learn that Butterfree hold Silver Powder or Paras carry Tiny Mushrooms! Education and appreciation are the essences of the Bug Catching Contest, and I call upon the National Park Rangers Office to protect that by preserving the current scoring rules! |
Star Ratings
Written by: BigBoom1946
Good evening and welcome back to Star Ratings, your favourite (and only) space review channel! Today we are looking at a frosty place from outer space, Freezy Flake Galaxy!
History
This system used to be a quiet, out of the way place before Bowser invaded and created a bunch of ice sculptures in his likeness, which frightened the local Star Bunny population into submission. Bowser also recruited a nearby snowman named Sorbetti, who we'll encounter in the next section. Some Li'l Brrs and Li'l Cinders, remnants of Baron Brr's army, also participated in the invasion.
Sorbetti
Long ago, a ship testing a strange plague crashed into an asteroid belt, causing a large amount of water onboard to spill out into the cosmos. In the panic of trying to pressurize the ship, no one noticed a sample of the plague get caught in the maelstrom. The sample remained in the cloud of water, gradually evolving into a new form of life, developing sentience along the way.
Bowser came across the fog of what was now ice crystals, and after analysing it, he learned of the virus's sentience and recruited it to his army. Christened by Bowser as Sorbetti and now with a new body, it was sent to guard the Freezy Flake Galaxy against intruders.
Fauna
Being an ice system, the Freezy Flake Galaxy has no native species, but has a decent-sized Star Bunny colony.
Climate
The system is plagued with constant blizzards, making it nearly impossible to travel most of the time. When this happens, my advice is to set your Auto-hat's Teatron to hot chocolate, or (if, for some reason, you don't have an Auto-hat) start a fire to keep yourself warm.
Conclusion
Overall, Freezy Flake Galaxy is a nice place if you like snow, or a horrible freezing nightmare if you don't like snow. That's all for now, so until next time, Merry Christmas!
Close Encounters of the Shroom Kind
Written by: Tatanga
Greetings again, Mushroom Worldlings reading The ‘Shroom. It is I, Lord Tatanga Seimeitai II of the Mushroom World Space Invaders, having hijacked the computers of The ‘Shroom’s Fake News offices a second time to bring you another documentary from beyond the stars. Last time we met, I treated you to a deep dive into my own background, my homeworld, and the story of how I discovered the Mushroom World in the first place. This time, we will be diving into the history of Baron Brrr, his homeworld known as the Freezeflame Galaxy, and how he ended up becoming the ruler of his kind, the Li’l Brrs.
Baron Brrr was born Baron Azuleo I of Arrefrío on November 1, 1957 to Duke Xóan Vogelson III and Duchess Amanda Pelota-Vogelson. He was the only offspring of the Duke and Duchess, since the two of them were in agreement that if they were to have too many offspring, they would end up fighting for the crown. The young Azuleo then grew up in the care of his parents, who lived in the Palicio de Arrefrío, the royal palace of Arrefrío, which is the original name of what is currently the modern-day Freezeflame Galaxy.
As the sole heir to the throne of Arrefrío, Azuleo was enrolled into the Arrefrío Instituto de Diplomacia at the age of six by his parents so that he could learn the ways of being a head of state and take over the throne from his parents when the time came. Not much was known about Azuleo’s time at the institute, but it was known that he was a reclusive student who spent most of his time there studying and didn’t interact with his fellow students all that much. Graduating from the institute at the age of nineteen, he began to aid his now aging father in the erupting Civil War between the Li’l Brrs and the Li’l Cinders.
Against all odds, between mediating the ongoing Civil War and dealing with his aging father’s failing health, the now young adult Azuleo eventually managed to end the war by 1981 thanks to a pact made between the two Royal Houses of Arrifrío. This led to Azuleo being nominated for and winning the Noki Peace Prize the following year, in 1982. The same year, Azuleo ended up marrying Baroness Quentenia-Anderson I as a means of further strengthening the bonds between the Li’l Brrs and Li’l Cinders and preventing a future Civil War between the two species from breaking out again.
Following the death of his father in 1983, Azuleo took the throne of Arrifrío, thus becoming the new ruler of the land alongside his wife Quentenia. Azuleo became a popular ruler amongst both the Li’l Brrs and Li’l Cinders because of his penchant for artistry and poetry, which became a notable field of improvement during his reign over the land. His fixation on the subject led to the establishment of Saint Warmthin’s College in 1989, and continues to remain open until this very day.
The turning point in the history of the land of Arrifrío came in 1998, when the Baron’s wife along with all of their children, Arrepiar, Calora, Cifria, Volcán and Glaciar were murdered by revolutionaries led by General of the Arrifríon Military, Fogoso Osolec. Osolec had initiated this Revolution out of dissatisfaction with the faltering economical, intellectual and political courses under Azuleo’s rule up until that point. Having been driven mad by the death of his wife and children, Azuleo declared the disbandment of the Arrifríon nation and the exile of the Li’l Cinders from his frozen territory, in addition to the capture of Fogoso Osolec and his wife, Dozura Osolec, for their role in the death of his family, even though Fogoso didn’t mean for his supporters to go after and murder the Baron’s family.
Following the capture, jailing and execution of Fogoso and Dozura, thus ending the Osolecian Revolution in 1999, Azuleo, now having adopted the moniker of Baron Brrr, established the Freezeflame Galaxy as it is known today. Ruling the lands from his Frozen Peaks with an iron fist, Baron Brrr makes sure to keep the Li’l Cinders that still remain within the confinements of the Freezeflame Galaxy in line through means of intimidation and fear, adopting the philosophy that if you let one Li’l Cinder stand up to authority, the others will follow this example, thus making them stronger when united.
However, Baron Brrr made one mistake during the ending of the Osolecian Revolution, and that was sparing the life of Fogoso and Dozura’s only child, their son Valente Osolec. Following the murder of his parents at the hands of the insanity-driven baron, Valente swore revenge on him. And so, for the next eight years, Valente would go into hiding and bide his time. By 2007, at the height of the Comet Observatory War against the Koopa Kingdom, now nineteen year-old Valente Osolec had become the co-leader and founder of the rebellion movement known as Vingadores Ardentes, alongside his guardian and uncle, Plató Osolec.
On November 12, 2007, eleven days after Baron Brrr’s fiftieth birthday, Sir Mario Esposito of the Mushroom Kingdom came to the Freezeflame Galaxy in search of the Power Stars that King Bowser Koopa of the Koopa Kingdom had hidden away out there. One of these Power Stars happened to be in the possession of Baron Brrr himself, having reportedly been entrusted to him personally by King Bowser Koopa. While on the way to Baron Brrr’s Frozen Peaks to challenge the baron to a duel for the Power Star held by him, Sir Mario found himself victim of the baron’s loyal garrison, led by Captain Baixo Cero, who captured the red-clad knight and brought him to Freezeflame Plaza for execution.
Just before the Li’l Brr Garrison could execute Sir Mario, however, they found themselves ambushed by the Vingadores Ardentes, who took out all the Li’l Brrs present in Freezeflame Plaza at the time, while Valente Osolec and his uncle Plató freed Sir Mario themselves before escorting the thickly-built knight to safety. Back at the Vingadores Ardentes’ Hideout, upon both sides explaining their situations to one another, the duo of Valente and Plató, as well as Sir Mario, realized that they had similar interests in going after Baron Brrr, and as such, forged an alliance to take out the frigid tyrant once and for all.
Four days later, on November 16, 2007, Sir Mario and the Vingadores Ardentes engaged in combat against Baron Brrr and the Li’l Brr Garrison on the frosty dictator’s home turf known as the Frozen Peaks. While the Vingadores Ardentes defeated the Li’l Brr Garrison, Sir Mario personally confronted and murdered Baron Brrr in a duel that from that day forward would become known as the historical event called “Baron Brrr’s Last Stand”. Upon claiming the Power Star that the baron was guarding on behalf of King Bowser Koopa and recovering any of the other Power Stars hidden around the Freezeflame Galaxy, Sir Mario and the Vingadores Ardentes parted ways with one another, with Valente Osolec declaring a new age of peace and prosperity within the Freezeflame Galaxy now that Baron Brrr had been overthrown.
By November 29, 2007, what remained of Baron Brrr’s collapsed empire surrendered to the Vingadores Ardentes, thus ending the tyranny that had waged across the Freezeflame Galaxy for eight long years. The Li’l Brrs and Li’l Cinders subsequently signed the Treaty of Unidade, making way for the establishment of the New Bipolar Republic, co-ruled by Valente Osolec on behalf of the Li’l Cinders and Solemne DeNeve on behalf of the Li’l Brrs. This government continues to govern the Freezeflame Galaxy successfully to this very day.
And there ends our chilling tale of the life and times of Baron Azuleo I of Arrefrío, who would later go on to become the tyrannical Baron Brrr of the Freezeflame Galaxy. I do hope you found this as much of an educational experience as I did, and should your hunger for knowledge on extraterrestrial life beyond the stars of the Mushroom World still not be satisfied after this, then don’t fret! I, Tatanga Seimeitai II of the Mushroom World Space Invaders, will return with another documentary on the subject at some point in the near future when I deem the time to be right! But until then, I shall bid you farewell and wish you the happiest of holidays.
Greetings and salutations, it is I, Merlteor. Once again I will be peering into the future to offer you next week's forecast for Shooting Star Summit, although in all honesty, we hardly need the stars to provide expectations. For the uninitiated, prepare for heavy star showers and colder temperatures than the surrounding area, for the sun never rises on our fair hill. Please don't ask why, we don't actually know.
| Day | Predicted | Temperatures | Forecast | Precipitation Chance |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Monday | 
|
14ºF / -2ºF | Stars will continue endlessly falling from the sky. I suggest an umbrella. | 4% |
| Tuesday | 
|
17ºF / 0ºF | More star showers, with snow expected starting at noon. At least it makes the ground softer if you get knocked down by a star. | 82% |
| Wednesday | 
|
15ºF / 2ºF | A Fast Foe Comet passing overhead will increase the speed and frequency of falling stars. It is recommended to stay inside unless you have speed-boosting power-ups. | 11% |
| Thursday | 
|
21ºF / 6ºF | Some form of unknown interference will replace today's falling stars with ztars. My cousin says it hurts more if you get hit by them, so stay inside again. | 13% |
| Friday |
|
14ºF / 1ºF | Back to regular falling stars. Honestly, it's a nice break, feel free to go out and get walloped for old time's sake. | 9% |
| Saturday | 
|
14ºF / 3ºF | This is the day where my annoying doppelgangers appear when I step outside. I like to try and make them get hit by stars instead of me. Try it, it's fun. | 18% |
| Sunday | 
|
9ºF / -4ºF | Money! Who cares about the falling stars, go get rich! | 12% |
May the stars shine down on you, without landing on your head.
Written by: Legend 8
The Sorcery Show
Episode 25: The Pole is the Goal, Part 2
It is a chilling yet beautiful morning in the Mushroom Kingdom. In front of the twisted castle on the outskirts of New Wikisburg, a black-robed Magikoopa who we all know and fear is floating upside down in the air while his friends, a burning Dry Bones skull called Kroop and an immaterial voice named the Explainer, are trying to persuade him to stop. However, he isn't listening, giddily somersaulting around through the air. He seems to be very excited about something… Because today is the day of judgment. Today, it will be decided whether his sinister plans of castle tax evasion finally pay off.
Kroop: Seriously, you gotta stop hanging upside down! It's not good for your brain!
Pyro: Says the brainless skull, haha! Ladidadida, they'll soon be here, wohoo! And then…
Kroop: Urgh.
Reality sort of glitches out next to Kroop to reveal the Explainer's semi-physical shape.
He's right, though. Let me explain! If you hang upside down for too long-
Pyro: BOOOORRIIINGG!! I finally wanna see people fail dramatically while trying to complete my masterpiece level!
Kroop: That's not even how it works. If even the guild's test runner can't do it, it probably won't get approved! And then we have to pay the taxes and we don't have any money at all!
Pyro: Don't worry about that! They'll love it!
Uh, Pyro? You might want to stop floating now. They're here!
Pyro turns around (but stays upside down) and sees two people walk through the entrance. Both of them are wearing characteristic red hats and plumber clothing with big mustaches on their faces, one of them apparently being significantly older. The older one walks towards him and they greet each other with a very awkward upside-down handshake.
Guild President: Greetings, you must be Pyrokles! I am the president of the Jumping Runners Guild, we're here for the inspection of your new public level. But you probably know that already, no?
Pyro: Yep, I got everything ready for the first trial! Is he the test runner?
Guild President: Exactly! This is-
Kroop: Oh, it's Mario!
Mario: Yeah, it's-a-... Wait. Oh. It's THEM.
Guild President: Oh, you've already met?
Mario: Yes, unfortunately...
Let me explain!..
Pyro: Sorry, but there's no time for explanation! I'm so excited!!! We should start testing my beautiful creation immediately!
Guild President: As you wish. That's what we're here for, after all.
Mario: Uh, nope. There's-a-no way I'm testing a level made by this madman!
Kroop: Very relatable. You know, I'm usually pretty tolerant with Pyro's... quirks. But this is too much!
Mario: Wait, it's THAT bad?!
Pyro: Come on, please! Otherwise, uh... Explainer?
Ooh, I know! Otherwise he won't get paid since he's not doing his job, right?
Guild President: That is correct. Mario, I don't know what scares you so much, but...
Mario: Me? Scared? I'm-a-not scared! Never! But this weirdo-
Guild President: Well, it's your job to test new levels, and that doesn't include any exceptions. So let's start, right?
Pyro: Woohoooo!!
Kroop: Oh great.
They walk towards the castle gate, where Pyro raises his arms and carves a respawn circle into the ground. As the heavy stone doors creak open and thunder flashes in the sky for some reason, Mario takes a deep breath and them enters the castle.
Mario: Okay. Here-we-gooo...
The doors slam shut behind him, and while Pyro gets out a little crystal ball so they can keep watching him, Mario now finds himself in complete darkness. That is, until to both of his sides, a pair of orange glowing eyes flares to life. Followed by another, and another, and another. For a second, nothing happens. Then, the chandelier and the torches in the hall ignite to illuminate the room, and the statues attack.
Mario: Aaaaargh! Help-a-me!
Mario barely manages to dodge the wild attacks of Pyro's stone replicas, countering with a ground pound that destroys one of them. He then proceeds to defeat the others, and amidst the rubble, he finds something. It looks like a fragment of an ancient key...
Mario: Huh? Do I need to collect these?
He walks up a staircase and into a room that seems to be the castle library. Between countless bookshelves, strange artifacts are placed as exhibits. But as he approaches them, all of a sudden, the library awakens. Mario manages to fend off a few of the flying books that dive-bomb him from above, but there's just too many.
Mario: Come-a-on! This is supposed to be fun??
He starts to run, but then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees just what he was looking for: a key fragment, hidden between other artifacts. He turns around, dodging a few more flying books...
...and suddenly gets crushed by a haunted bookshelf.
Pyro: Haha! It's working! This is going to be so epic!!
Guild President: Well, it looks... very well designed, so far! It appears to be quite difficult, though.
Pyro: Don't worry, it only gets better from there!
Mario respawns next to them, looking exhausted.
Kroop: My condolences.
Mario: Ouch... That was-a-horrifying. But... I am the Guild's best test runner, I have never failed... and I will not fail here! I'm ready for attempt two.
Determined, he enters the castle again. This time, he makes quick work of the statues and manages to outrun the falling bookshelves and obtain the second key piece. But the very next room he enters puts an end to his run - the kitchen.
Mario: Graaahhh!! I'm-a-being eaten alive by a dishwasher!
He respawns again, collects the first two fragments with ease and then defeats the sentient kitchen tools to obtain a third piece from the knife rack. However, in the next room...
Let me summarize it, cause this would get a bit repetitive otherwise. Basically, he just keeps dying and trying again, slowly making progress but getting more and more annoyed. And Pyro...
Pyro: Hahahahaa!! Look how he's struggling with the portal room!
...yeah, he's having tons of fun. He's weird. Oh look, Mario's back again.
Kroop: That's a pretty accurate summary. But who the hell are you talking to??
Meanwhile, Mario is collecting all the key fragments all over again. After slaying some abomination in Pyro's lab and battling through a hallway filled with traps, he's only missing one more, which he soon finds, stuck in the chandelier.
Mario: There's the last part! Hopefully the level is over soon!...
Mario leaps from the stairs' railing onto the chandelier to grab the fragment, finally completing the key - but the chandelier then crashes to the ground, respawning him once more.
Kroop: Come on, Pyrooo! Why did you have to make everything a death trap?!
Mario: I would-a-like to know that as well!
Pyro: What? It's your fault for thinking it can hold your weight, instead of just throwing stuff at it to take it down!
Kroop: That question was regarding the entire thing, not just the chandelier.
Pyro: Oh. Well, in that case, I just thought it was funny!
Mario: What a psycho...
On his next try, Mario listens to Pyro's advice and completes the key, unlocking the dungeon section. However,...
I'll continue from here again! So, let's see. He dies from a few traps, gets lost in the labyrinth and dies to another trap, crashes into the ceiling in the reverse-gravity part, doesn't get the fork pun, and then-
Mario: WHY IS THERE A FREAKING DRAGON HERE??
Gets burnt to a crisp by the dragon. Twice. On his next attempt he does obtain the star, but-
Pyro: Anti-Star! It's way cooler!
But then the rising lava catches him off-guard and he has to respawn again. It's just REALLY tedious. Next, he gets eaten by tractor beam Piranha Plants a few times, then gets trampled by hordes of monsters in the amphitheater.
Mario: What kind of black magic is this?? I don't even know how to close that stupid rift!
...but eventually, he figures it out, obtaining the second Anti-Star. Right before getting incinerated by the dragon again. By now, he's been through this whole procedure like 50 times already and is really sick of it. Still, he manages to "ride" the dragon onto the roof, completing the spooky attic after a few more trap-induced fails. Seriously, Pyro, don't you think that's a bit much??
Pyro: To be fair, the attic was already full of traps WAY before we built a level in there!
That doesn't make it any better! Anyways, Mario is then knocked off the parkour tower by the flying bricks multiple times, and fireballed some more, then upon reaching the dragon's tower he is once again burnt to ashes, but then he gets the dragon to activate the full runic circle, granting him the third star-
Pyro: Anti-Star!!
Fine. It doesn't last long anyways, since the dragon throws him off as he tries to mount him. But on his next try, switching back to live commentary... Oh! He's done it, and now he's flying towards the goal pole on the dragon!!
Guild President: Looks like he's finally going to make it! Damn, that was a hard level.
Kroop: Oh, don't get ahead of yourself. Pyro designed it after all.
Pyro: Oh yes! Now for the grand finale!!
As the dragon-riding Mario approaches the goal, suddenly lightning strikes directly in front of him! The dragon rears backwards while a Pyro-resembling figure made of crackling orange energy materializes in front of them. The Avatar raises his staff and announces in a thunderous voice: TIME FOR OUR EPIC BATTLE IN THE SKYYY!!! MWAHAHAHAAAA!! Then, he starts bombarding Mario with spells.
Pyro: IT'S WORKIINGGG!! This has gotta be the best tax evasion method EVER!!!
Guild President: Huh??
Pyro: What? Oh. Uh, doesn't matter, forget what you just heard. That beautiful battle up there is way more interesting anyways!
Meanwhile, Mario is currently fighting a few summoned monsters using the dragon's fire breath. But then, a ball of energy strikes the dragon's back and the blast separates them, sending him plummeting to his doom.
Guild President: Oh.
While the dragon flies off like Pyro had rehearsed with him, Mario struggles to save himself from falling. But right before crashing into the roof, he wall-jumps off the side of the tower, colliding with one of the Avatar's energy balls. The explosion launches him upwards, he flies past his foe - and lands, unconscious, at the base of the goal pole. The flag goes up, and the spectral Pyro vanishes.
Guild President: Oh, wow!!! What a magnificent clutch!
Kroop: He actually did it! Well, he was unbelievably lucky, but still. I thought it wouldn't be possible at all.
Pyro: THAT WAS SO COOL!!! But it's sad that it's all over already...
Pyro, you can stop now. Mister Guild President, what do you say? Technically, he did just complete the level, and it follows every one of your guidelines, so...
Guild President: Uhhmm... Yeahh... I'm terribly sorry, but... while this is certainly something, a level like this cannot be approved by the Jumping Runners Guild. It wouldn't really be fun as a visitor if you just painfully die and respawn over and over again you know?
Kroop: Oh man, I knew it!! PYRO! YOU RUINED IT!! AND I KNEW IT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING!!!
Pyro: Whoops.
Please calm down, Kroop... but you ARE right. Now we have an unnecessarily dangerous level that goes all throughout our castle, and also we have to pay the taxes we were trying to evade. That's a pretty bad situation, don't you think, Pyro?
Pyro: Nah, it won't be THAT bad! And those taxes aren't a problem. See?
Pyro conjures up a huge sack of coins from thin air.
Wait. Uhhhhh. Did you just…?
Kroop: THIS IS A JOKE ISN'T IT
Pyro: Nope, all real!
Kroop: YOU CRAZY...!!! I just can't believe it…
Wait Kroop I'm sure it's a misunderst-
Kroop: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! JUST WHY?!!!!?!?!!
With a furious roar, Kroop explodes into flames. Then he simply blacks out in the middle of a charred crater.
Pyro: Wow, I've never seen him this furious! Whatever could have been the reason?
Guild President: Uhhhhm. I'm just going to get Mario and then we'll leave, okay? This is all getting a bit too much... Also, still no idea why you're suddenly talking about taxes. Anyways. Bye!...
Pyro: Byeeeee! Was a pleasure to have you here, hehehee!
Oh man. You know what I just realized? Now there's Mario corpses all over the place...
Pyro: Oh, yeah, you're right.
Wait. I probably shouldn't have said that.
Pyro: Wait. Did you just say...?
Oh no. Oh NO. I really shouldn't have said that. I know exactly what you're planning Pyro - don't even think about it!!
Pyro: Hehehehehe... It's necromancy time...
Damn. I have to get rid of the bodies.
Digital News
Monzaemon Retirement Puts Christmas In Jeopardy
As the Christmas season approaches, there are alarming reports out of Toy Town that the most magical time of the year isn't going so magically. The retirement of former Toy Town proprietor Monzaemon, who prior to "joining" File City during the great calamity made sure the denizens of Toy Town worked together to bring Christmas magic to all of File Island's residents, has led to more problems than was originally thought. Concern is growing after numerous reports of delays and reports of arguments over what kind of toys should be made running rampant throughout Toy Town. An anonymous source from inside Toy Town provided Digital News with a quote on the seemingly chaotic Monzaemon-less Toy Town.
So far everything is a disaster! Nobody is working together! None of the Digimon can come to an agreement, and each group of Digimon is just doing their own thing! The Tankmon keep trying to turn all the toys into weapons. The Clear and Toy Agumon keep trying to make the simple dolls and games into strange, overcomplicated buildable monstrosities. The Tinmon are so far keeping to themselves, only paying attention to how many toys are being made with no focus on quality or even demand. And poor Hagurumon has been turning nonstop, making toys that are being rejected due to obvious quality errors.
Recently, a group of Toy Town denizens, perhaps realizing that things weren't going too hot, came to File City in hopes of talking Monzaemon into coming out of retirement to hopefully save Christmas. Unfortunately, they were met with silence from the bear Digimon's costume. The situation in Toy Town appears to be quite dire, with toys being rejected, production lines breaking down, and deadlines not being met. With Monzaemon seemingly being disinterested in returning to help Toy Town, various proposals have been made to help save Christmas. City hero Mameo has suggested either asking the Numemon of the Secret Item Shop for aid or venturing to Trash Mountain to see if one of the Geremon who lives there could perhaps fit inside the Monzaemon costume, since, quote: "That's how I got Monzaemon to help me save Toy Town the first time." A more radical suggestion has been to reach out to Warumonzaemon to see if he could take over for Monzaemon. Though Warumonzaemon has proven to be an aggressive danger, those backing the suggestion hope that, with Christmas season approaching, his Monzaemon side will take over and he could bring things under control. From what I understand, this idea is not popular among any of the Toy Town residents and is considered an absolute last resort. But it's clear so far that, without the steel resolve of Monzaemon, the Toy Town which once ran like clockwork delivering magic and toys to all of File Island is in trouble, and if they don't find a way to resolve their issues soon, all of Christmas could be in trouble.
Written by: Wallace Ulysses
We are shown how Wallace Ulysses is seen sitting behind a talk show host desk, dressed up in a purple tuxedo with matching ankle boots, a bow tie and a top hat. He also has his feet planted on top of his desk, looking awfully confident when he could fall backwards in his chair like the Japanese version of Ronald McDonald on a park bench at any given moment.
“WAH-lcome WAH-ne, WAH-lcome all to the grand finale of the unofficial Year of Waluigi! I’m the President of the Waluigi Fan Club, Wallace Ulysses, and today, I’m going to be your unfriendly emcee!” Wallace Ulysses declared to the audience in front of him, who cheered happily in response, prompting Wallace Ulysses to wave his hands as a means of calming the audience down.
“Thank you, thank you. You’re all too kind. I have to admit that it’s a shame that this is already the final month of the Year of Waluigi, in which we celebrate the twenty-fifth anniversary of our beloved menace in purple, in honor of his first appearance in Mario Tennis on the Nintendo 64 all the way back in the year 2000. Since Nintendo couldn’t be bothered to give Waluigi his own official celebratory year like they did with his green-clad rival back in 2013, I, Wallace Ulysses took it upon myself to do it unofficially instead!” The Waluigi Fan Club President continued to monologue to the audience, who once again cheered in response, followed by another hand waving frenzy from Mr. Ulysses.
“And since this is the final month of the Year of Waluigi, I figured that we might as well end the Year of Waluigi with a Bob-Omb inducing bang, and to do such a thing, I have managed to get the bad actor himself to take some time out of his busy schedule to arrange an interview right here on stage tonight! So without further ado, please put your hands together for the Sultan of Suffering, the Overlord of Obnoxious, WAAAALUIGI!” Mr. Ulysses excitedly announced as the audience began cheering more wildly than before as Waluigi himself entered the stage from the right side, a spotlight being pointed on him as he walked and waved to the audience with both hands, his trademark sly grin resting on his face as he sat himself down in the plush purple chair that had been decked out in front of Mr. Ulysses’ desk just for Waluigi.
“WAAAA! Bless your heart, Wallace Ulysses! Waluigi really admires your dedication to do what Nintendon’t and spend nearly the entire year of 2025 celebrating Waluigi’s big twenty-fifth anniversary with an unofficial year that’s all about Waluigi!” Waluigi excitedly told Mr. Ulysses, followed by another thundering round of cheers from the audience.
“Bless your heart too, Waluigi! I’m a really, really big fan, probably the biggest fan of yours that the Mushroom World has ever seen! So by the time February rolled around this year and I realized that Nintendo wasn’t going to celebrate your big twenty-five with a year in your honor just like they did with your green rival’s big thirty, I knew that I wasn’t going to let that slide and pull any strings I possibly could to host an unofficial Year of Waluigi in your honor!” Wallace Ulysses expressed his excitement to have the purple troublemaker with him in person, with the audience chiming in their agreement.
"WAHAH!" And you were right as right could be to do such a thing, Wallace! Let Waluigi tell you something, and every-WAH-ne here in the audience tonight, for that matter; Waluigi thinks that we’re all sick of Nintendo's problematic focusing on where to put their resources with things related to the Mario franchise in the last amount of years! Like Princess Peach’s Showtime game, which while impressive, did not have half the charm that the princess’ first solo outing on the Nintendo DS back in 2005 had! Or their treatment of Donkey Kong’s nephew and best little buddy Diddy Kong, shoving him to the sideline in favor of a kid version of Mayor Pauline of New Donk City! And so many other mistreatments of major side characters spread out across the Mario franchise and its sister franchises in general!” Waluigi expressed to Mr. Ulysses, the audience loudly and joyfully cheering their agreement with this statement, with Mr. Ulysses gladly joining in on the cheering this time around.
“Ain’t that King Grambi’s honest truth? Bless your heart, Waluigi, for finally telling it like it is! It ain’t Nintendo’s place to decide what we as their loyal customers can think and do, aside from the things that genuinely matter! Like deeming the Yoshi’s Island series’ interpretation of the Mario Brothers’ backstory a bunch of baloney, seeing as the Illumination film a few years back confirmed that the Mario Brothers’ origins of being Brooklyn, New York City-based plumbers from Planet Earth, or the Real World, established by DiC Entertainment back in the late 1980s and early 1990s as being legitimate!” Wallace Ulysses commended Waluigi for his bravery in openly expressing the truth regarding the Mario franchise, the audience yet again chiming in their agreement in response.
“Precisely as clockwork, Wallace! See, Waluigi thinks what matters to sensible Nintendo customers more than anything is having a good time playing anything to do with Mario as an intellectual property without having to cradle their wallets to work out any dents that have gotten into them from having to pay such hefty sums of money to purchase those same intellectual properties! It’s like Nintendo is sitting on a big fat pile of cash like the one Wario has inside his castle when getting the best ending in Wario World, only this time, it’s a big fat pile of cash that isn’t deserved! After all, what good is a purse if your customers are left feeling poor in their hearts?” Waluigi expressed on the topic of things that genuinely matter to Nintendo’s loyal paying customers.
“You definitely have a vision that is right for expanding upon in the Mushroom World of politics, Waluigi! Which brings me to my next topic of questionnaire; What made you throw your bid for the Mushroom Kingdom’s upcoming Parliamentary Elections now of all times when you could have done so plenty of times before?” Wallace asked his purple-clad hero with a curious tilt of his head.
“Pure and simple; Waluigi felt during previous elections that he would sit back and watch if Prime Ministers who were elected into office would genuinely pick up where their predecessors left off and bring the will of the people back to the Mushroom Kingdom’s Parliament. But after nearly two years of this madness, Waluigi decided that enough was enough and that it was time for Waluigi himself to step up to the political plate alongside a newly formed party that aims to work out the kinks in the already operating parties in the Mushroom Kingdom’s Parliament.” Waluigi answered in a matter-of-fact kind of way. “WAH-fter all, Waluigi’s folks taught him that if nobody bothers to fix something that’s broken, you should go and fix it yourself. Waluigi’s old man has been there many times before in the past, according to the stories Waluigi has heard from his old man while growing up. He told Waluigi: 'Waluigi, your old man has seen plenty of things that need fixing in this faulty world, and many people have had problems with that, so if you wanna learn how to fix things the right way, you should look at what the problems are that other people are having with it and learning from them through experience.' And now, Waluigi intends to put those words of wisdom into practice with this bid at becoming Prime Minister of the Mushroom Kingdom!”
The audience applauded Waluigi for this explanation. “Oh, that is so true, Waluigi! After all, my dear old mama always told me: 'I made plenty of mistakes in my day, and I’ve learned from them. Like to not trust a man who won’t stay true to his wedding vows such as your father.'” Wallace Ulysses smiled and nodded in agreement with the wise words of his purple-garbed idol.
“You said it, Wallace. The Progressive Party is all about making good on their vows, and they aim to do that by looking at the ones that previous Prime Ministers and their respective parties wouldn’t make good on. Waluigi knows that it’s hard to make promises and not break them, Waluigi’s been there plenty of times before, and as such, he’s now ready to right those past wrongs and give back to the community while he’s at it!”
“Such powerful words, Waluigi. I haven’t seen someone so willing to fight for what was on their brain since the late Charredrock Holmes, Grambi bless his soul.” Wallace Ulysses admitted whilst paying tribute to the late detective in the process.
“WAH-f course, Wallace. See, Waluigi is a busy man - In between all the projects Waluigi has been working on over the course of this past year and running for Mushroom Kingdom Parliament, Waluigi still manages to find the time to spend time with his loved ones. Friends and family come first above all else, WAH-fter all.”
Another round of applause from the audience followed this statement, with Wallace Ulysses once again nodding his agreement. “Bless your heart, Waluigi. Speaking of the projects you’ve been working on over the course of the past year, how are they coming along?” Wallace then curiously asked the purple troublemaker.
“They’re coming along just fine and dandy, Wallace. Thank you for asking. That Waluigi World game you covered back in February has been finalized and nearly ready to be brought into stores in time for the holiday season, so by the time Christmas Day rolls around, the children of the Mushroom Kingdom should be able to find it wrapped up underneath their Christmas Tree and play it on their Nintendo Switch 2 not too long a time afterward.” Waluigi informed his Fan Club President, with the audience cheering in response. “The Pet Cheat Boys album, WAH-ctually that Waluigi has recorded together with Chicory Lotus is doing quite WAH-ll for itself, as it’s been quickly climbing the Mushroom World music charts since its release back in September.” Waluigi continued as the audience cheered in response again. “Not only that, but Waluigi has also visited the WAH-Mart on Ztar Junction in Mushroom City since you first visited it back in May and taken a picture with the store owner, Mr. Willard, which he has since then hung up in his store for all customers who come by to see.” Waluigi added onto that, prompting yet another round of cheers from the audience to boot. “And to make things even better, that Bottled Baby Waluigi Milk you learned to make back in October is now officially a licensed Waluigi-themed product being sold in stores all around the Mushroom World, so now you can buy the stuff yourself if you happen to be short on time to make it at home!” Waluigi concluded as the audience let out one last series of cheers and applause to express their excitement over this.
“Glad to hear you’re doing well for yourself during your twenty-fifth anniversary, Waluigi! I’m already looking forward to seeing what grand scheme of things you’re going to be cooking up by the time your thirtieth anniversary will be rolling around in 2030!” Wallace Ulysses expressed excitedly as the audience voiced their equal excitement with another round of applause.
“WAH-ll, rest assured that if Waluigi’s twenty-fifth anniversary is going to be anything as special as you managed to make it, Wallace, then Waluigi’s thirtieth anniversary is going to be the krème de la Kremling in comparison! Waluigi can count on you making that anniversary just as special if Nintendo isn’t gonna be cracking open their WAH-llet of resources to make it happen, can’t Waluigi?” The purple troublemaker asked Wallace curiously, prompting a series of “ooh’s” from the audience in response.
“You can count on it as surely as you’re the Count of Chaos, Waluigi! I’m gonna be making preparations for your thirtieth anniversary as soon as your twenty-fifth anniversary comes to an end by the midnight clock tower chimes on the thirty-first of December!” Wallace Ulysses assured his purple-garbed anti-hero, which was met by absolutely ballistic cheers and applause from the audience unlike any they had before, with Waluigi grinning delightfully and reaching out for a handshake towards his Fan Club President, who gladly returned the handshake, looking just as delighted as the purple troublemaker was.
“If you say so, Wallace, then your words truly do please Waluigi!” The lovable mischievous purple man told Wallace, who grinned and nodded in response. “Any-WAH, Waluigi was glad to be on your show tonight, and help you bring the unofficial Year of Waluigi to a worthy closure!” The towering miscreant then began to prepare his parting from the show.
“Couldn’t have put it better myself, Waluigi. We’re pretty much running outta time here, so this is where we’ll be wrapping up this interview.” Wallace nodded his agreement with the thinly-built instigator before turning to face the audience once more. “Any-WAH, dear Waluigi Fan Club members! I, Wallace Ulysses would like to thank you all for sticking with me throughout this unofficial Year of Waluigi, from its humble beginnings in February, all the way to its grand finale here in December! Special thanks to Waluigi himself for being here tonight, and we both hope to see you again sometime in the near future!” Wallace concluded as he and Waluigi parted from the audience with a set of waves while the audience cheered happily.
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
Pristine Peaks: A Positively Perfect Place
Happy holidays! This may shock you, but I am alive. Yes, don't worry, as Cosmo Neko, master of the travel guide, is still breathing. Earlier this month, I descended to the mortal plane as I often do to undertake another journey across dimensions, all to bring you the greatest possible issue of The Sunshine Travel Guide. Well, maybe that's a slight exaggeration… What really happened was that Boo1268 invited me and my family on a trip to space and through a rift in reality to visit Pristine Peaks. Now, we had a great adventure there, but you can read about it somewhere else. I'm just gonna stop wasting your time and get on with it.
Attractions
Pristine Peaks is a winter wonderland, with huge piles of snow, perfect for sculpting/throwing/eating/doing who knows what, giant hills to slide down, and even a workshop of an old man who makes gifts and then breaks into people's houses to deliver said gifts! Oh, hang on, I've just been informed that that last one is from a different cold, snowy place. Never mind. There is a guy who wears a similar hat, but he's very different. Trust me.
There's a huge range of other activities, including the Sillyfish Chuck Challenge, where you collect Sillyfish from ponds and throw them into a fountain. There's quite a few rewards to be earned, but entering is pretty pricey. There's also a shack housing the mysterious Madame Bwahstrella, who I thought told fortunes, but apparently she sends you through a dimensional portal, which is basically the same thing, right?
Of course, there's also the stunning Winter Palace, which currently serves as a hotel. Containing a library, dining hall, very easy maze, an evil mastermind's quarters lots of comfortable rooms, nearly everything you can imagine! Some parts are blocked off to protect the historic site, but it's very easy to break into them so keep that in mind.
However, the main attraction of Pristine Peaks is an incredibly special festival that only happens once every one hundred years! There is only one problem, though. It already happened. I was there! Fortunately, I figured out a way to send this issue back in time to The 'Shroom offices, so you may still be able to reach the festival in time. There are a range of festivities, but some highlights include space wind surfing, bumper ships, a spark petting zoo, mountaineering, and a really really good food stall.
Note from Boo1268: If any of you fellows are interested in a bit of history, I recommend checking out the Memorial of the Three Masks, among other sideshow attractions with a bit of history behind them, from the large Goomba Skate to even a 100 year old asteroid that was recently repurposed.
Souvenirs
Woopdewoo, souvenir time. Most of this stuff is sold by a robot called SALESBOT 9.99+TX. I'm not sure if that's supposed to stand for something or what. However, you can often buy the items from other vendors too, so keep an eye out.
| Cosmic Crystal | ||
|---|---|---|
|
These are supernatural crystals from space, which possess a quite ethereal quality. They rained down after a small planet exploded, which hasn't happened yet for you guys actually. This time travel stuff is confusing. Anyway, the Pristine Peaks council declared them sacred artifacts of history and made everyone donate them to the Winter Palace museum. Then they started selling them in the gift shop. | |
| PRICE: | 50 coins or 10 planet coins | |
| Midwinter Key | ||
|---|---|---|
|
This is a special key, exclusive to this planet. While I've been told it has some kind of use, it works really well as a display item too. It does cost planet coins though, so you're gonna have to use the currency exchange located in the Winter Palace. | |
| PRICE: | 11 planet coins | |
| Star Potion | ||
|---|---|---|
|
This is a tasty mixture of star bit powder and cosmic milk. They are quite popular, so each customer can only buy a limited amount. Thanks to the star bits, they are quite healthy, providing protein and minerals. Recommended for Lumas. | |
| PRICE: | 1 planet coin | |
Note from Boo1268: Bring your own Oxichew, it's very pricey there and only tastes like black licorice.
Practical Advice
My sister Kat told me "Pristine Peaks is exceptionally dangerous, and you should warn your readers." Well, if it'll keep the lawsuits away, fine.
Weather
Hey, cause I'm in the future, I can tell you exactly what the weather will be like! Ahem, it will be cold and snowy. Well, you could have figured that out by yourselves. Luckily, the nights will be clear, so you can see the stars. On the day of the festival, there will be a big explosion in the sky that is only partially my fault, so get to safety.
Travel
You'll have to fly through an interdimensional rift to reach Pristine Peaks safely, but there are plenty of qualified people who can do that. Much more qualified than a Moe-eye, for sure. He didn't even have arms! Personally I would trust Rainbow Exploration Agency: Civilian Transport Division, though they need a catchier name.
Dangers
Be careful going up to the mountains, as they are very difficult to climb, and the bridges are not at all secure. If you have a good guide, you should be fine, though. Also, look out for the rabbids. They creep me out…And, as previously mentioned, there is going to be a big explosion in the sky, so mind your head.
Note from Boo1268: Be wary of the Space Kraken Crostini, it's very aggressive and slightly chewy.
Conclusion
Well, I hope you enjoyed this issue of The Sunshine Travel Guide! If you do plan on visiting Pristine Peaks, you might want to hurry before the festival comes to a close. Time travelling sure was useful…I wonder if I could use this to procrastinate more…Anyway, remember to contact me on the forums for suggestions, feedback, or to complain about how much worse The Sunshine Travel Guide is now, and think back to the good days where I was much less interesting and Bar. D. Jokue was a one-off character. Well, I think I've wasted a sufficient amount of your time, goodbye, and happy holidays!
