The 'Shroom:Issue 221/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! Welcome to the August edition of Fake News, which is just barely still in August. How about those Awards, huh? I already talked about it in the Staff Notes - and I can't make a joke about the team being award-winning since Favorite 'Shroom Team got put on the shelf this year. It was for a good cause, though!
This month, ClawgripFan9001 is bringing us more guest section goodies with a News Flush update on Glitzville's Fresh Juice Shop, and a one-off return to Sport Report for the unofficial Year of Waluigi! Ah, well actually, it's Wallace Ulysses handling that one this time around. Aomaf (talk) is taking a month off from Game Corner, but the rest of our scheduled sections are here for you to enjoy!
Awards got you feeling the creative spirit? Then check out our sign up page for everything you need to join us here at The 'Shroom! If you don't feel like committing to a recurring section, you can also write a one-off for something like News Flush with no application needed, just send it to me privately and we'll get it sorted out. I hope to hear from you soon!
Section of the Month
Bring out the brooms because we've got a sweep! With over half of this month's votes, TheBlueCatMenace pulls into the winner's circle with coverage of every track from Mario Kart World in The Sunshine Travel Guide! And taking a joint second place, Aomaf showcased leaked DLC for Mario Kart World in Game Corner, while Mushroom Tribune by Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk) covered the Mushroom Auto Works' ill-fated Bob-omb Car. I'm noticing a theme here... You guys really like Mario Kart World, huh? Well, thanks for supporting our writers with your votes, and be sure to keep it up this month!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 33 | 51.56% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 2nd | Game Corner | 6 | 9.38% | Aomaf (talk) |
| 2nd | Mushroom Tribune | 6 | 9.38% | Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk) |
Written by: Claw Gripstofferson
GLITZVILLE FRESH JUICE SHOP SEES RECORD PROFIT MARGIN WITHIN A MONTH’S TIME!
The Mushroom World Stock Exchange was left speechless last Sunday morning when they saw that shareholders of the Glitzville Fresh Juice Shop saw an unexpected ceiling-shattering rise in value of the Glitzville-based juice bar’s stocks. Experts say that this happened after the owner of the establishment, Mr. Podler Merriman started charging patrons an entry fee on his store after years of low business income caused by what Mr. Merriman proclaims to be “freeloaders” who came into his store on a daily basis without buying anything, instead coming to meet up with one of his regular patrons, an anonymous Pink Toad lady who, according to eyewitness accounts, is quite the looker.
When interviewed in person about the matter, Mr. Podler himself informed our reporter the following: “After years and years of dealing with all of those people stopping by my shop without purchasing anything, only coming in to meet with that pretty lady in the corner who comes by my store every day, I was at my wits’ end as to what I should do to improve my business income.”
“That was when one night after closing time, I was reading The ‘Shroom’s Fake News pages, and noticed there was a section run by Mr. Waluigi Time where he would answer questions from readers and provide them with advice on the troubles of life. Feeling that it was worth a shot, I sent in a plea for advice to Mr. Time’s section, and after reading last month’s issue of The ‘Shroom, I saw Mr. Time’s rather helpful advice.”
“He advised me to start charging entry fees to patrons who wished to come in to speak with the lovely Toad lady while giving actually paying customers a credit discount, where any drinks within the price range of the entry fee they paid being free, and any drinks past the price range of the entry fee would have to be actually paid for. And this way, I could monetize the freeloaders without increasing costs too much on my actual paying customers.”
“I began trying this strategy out immediately the following morning after reading The ‘Shroom, and it worked amazingly well! Within a week’s time after the implementation of this system, I had made more profit than I did in the past couple years combined! And by the end of the month, I had seen profits I hadn’t seen since I first opened up the place! I can’t express how grateful I am for Mr. Time’s advice, and if he ever comes to Glitzville while randomly stumbling into my store, I would like to ask him if there was anything, literally anything I could do to thank him for improving my business income for the better!”
Our reporter was also able to get a hold of the anonymous Pink Toad herself for her thoughts on the matter, and she told our reporter the following: “I always felt bad for Mr. Podler, because he was suffering from such low business income because of all the gentlemen who liked to come by the store daily to speak with me. But I also knew that at some point, he would have to find the financial innovator in himself to do something about it, because I could hardly do something about it myself, for I was merely a paying customer with a stunning exterior that made the gents feel light-headed. So it pleased me greatly that Mr. Waluigi Time was able to nudge Mr. Podler onto the right financial path last month with the idea of the entry fee system in combination with the credit discount system so as to both make money off the moochers while avoiding upsetting the patrons that are already paying him.”
Only time will tell if Mr. Podler’s approach will continue to prove fruitful for his business, and we at The ‘Shroom will continue to report on this new chapter of the Glitzville Fresh Juice Shop’s financial story as it further unfolds.
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: Koopa, Boo1268, and Mario
Help! I keep getting attacked by Goombas whenever I go outside. I can't understand anything they're saying, how do I stop Goombas from attacking me? -Koopa
Well golly gee, how could this have happened? I have no idea. The good news is Goombas are very susceptible to disguises, and you can easily find Goomba Masks at your local ? Block or novelty store. They'll never know the difference! Even though the eyes never move. Or the mouth. Some Goombas aren't very bright.
But maybe you don't want to go through life looking like you didn't watch The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!, so we'll need a more sustainable strategy. With the Goomba Mask, you can infiltrate the Goombas and convince them that there's no need for them to attack Koopas such as yourself (except you're still pretending to be a Goomba right now, so don't mess that up) and that they should attack, I don't know, Porcupuffers or something. Porcupuffers suck so this is a win-win.
Dear Waluigi Time, I recently acquired 40 coconuts but now I don't know what to do with them. I can't eat them all and I can't just leave them here to rot, so what do I do?
-Cocatan the Coconut Crab
Did you know that in movies, the sound of horses galloping is actually made by coconut shells? Do what you will with that information, I don't really know where I'm going with this. It's not like you can make a bunch of money making a new library of horse sound effects, but uh, you can make people think there's a large horse in the room when it's actually just some coconuts. I don't know why you'd want to do that, though.
One thing you can do is make coconut-related recipes, which will let you eat more coconuts at once. Like pies, everyone loves pie. You can even make up your own! Anything you can think of, make it with or out of coconuts, what could go wrong? You can even use coconuts as pizza toppings! Share your creations with everyone to the delight and bewilderment of your friends and neighbors. Have a coconut party and use any spares you may have to make fun little decorations!
But in the future, you should probably consider acquiring things at more reasonable scales for your personal use.
Wario is set on fire!!!
Dear Waluigi Time, which solutions are the most effective ones here? I've actually tried "call the fire fighters" and it worked out decently well, but I might give the others a shot.
- Call Waluigi
- Give Wario clothes
- Throw water on Wario
- Yell at Wario to stop, drop, and roll
- Play Nicholas Cage music
- Call the firefighters
- Draw Wario
- Freeze Wario
- Do nothing
I personally would draw Wario for the occasion, but my schedule's completely full and I don't think my fridge will 100% appreciate the stark reminder of summer, so I lean to just calling Waluigi. I need someone to chat to sometimes.
A flaming Wario is a serious problem, because gas is highly explosive and if you need any elaboration look at his Super Smash Bros. moveset. Therefore, it should be dealt with as quickly as possible, which means doing nothing or drawing Wario are off the table, as artistically inspiring as the spectacle might be. Giving Wario clothes would probably be pretty ineffective, even if they're fire-resistant I'm pretty sure that only works if you're wearing them before you get set on fire, not after. On the plus side, it might at least stop Wario from setting anything else on fire since it'll be contained within his outfit. I don't think playing Nicholas Cage music would be very effective either, if you're going to go this route you'd probably be better off with Handel's Water Music, for obvious reasons.
Normally, the classic method of stop, drop, and roll is very effective, but Wario's not the brightest bulb and also he might not even be able to hear you if he's screaming too loud. Throwing water on him or freezing him ought to do the trick, though! The effectiveness of ice on fire is disputed but we've all seen how well the Ice Power badge works. Unfortunately, these methods both involve getting closer to Wario, which many people are not comfortable with as it carries risks such as exposure to garlic breath and/or foul body odor. In this case, you'll want to call in someone else to deal with the problem for you - the firefighters are professionals and know all about putting out fires, but if you call Waluigi you'll probably get a good comedy sketch out of those two, just make sure you're recording! That kind of goes against what I said earlier about solving the problem quickly... but, you know, the funny...
Looks like I have more business than I can handle! Questions are temporarily restricted to first-time submitters only while I work through the backlog. If you've never sent in a question before and have one that you'd like answered, stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page!
Written by: Boo1268
Mystery of a Family History
Hello, readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. It's August everyone! And that means the awards have come and gone once again, a momentous occasion celebrating all our accomplishments both big and small from all generations of The ‘Shroom both old and new. Speaking of generations old and new, today I will be talking about a topic I've been wanting to talk about for a LONG time. In fact, this was a topic I wanted to tackle back during my early days working at The ‘Shroom. It’s the history of Booster’s family and how they at first remained unknown for sometime. However, after a fair bit of investigating, I was able to discover not only Booster’s family history, but also his ancestors’ connections to some facets that FOUNDED the Mushroom Kingdom! And eventually, their transformation into the barbaric manchild we know today. So with that out of the way, let us begin, shall we?
Our story begins as I was looking into topics for this month’s section, that was until I was reminded of the time my good friend Cosmo Neko had a rather… disturbing encounter with Booster while at his tower. But even still, despite his current circumstances, he wasn't able to properly go over the Booster clan’s family history, seeing as how he wanted to get out as fast as he could (not to mention the fact he was also being held hostage and going insane by proxy). But despite Booster’s troubling nature, I figured his family history would be just what I needed to cover for this month, so I pressed forward with my investigation. Unfortunately, after some interviewing, I wasn't able to uncover much from interviewing Booster himself or his Snifsters - that was until I interviewed Booster’s main muscle and the previous owners of the Emerald Circus, Knife Guy and Grate Guy. After interviewing them, I was able to uncover a VAST amount of the Booster clan’s family history, so here's what I uncovered.
Many years ago, a man by the name of Ivo Booster Botnick came to the Mushroom Kingdom before it was truly founded, seeing the untamed land as a “land of untold opportunities and brand new ventures”. He was both an inventor and an artist, creating marvelous machines of great sizes with nothing but his bare hands! In fact, he would go so far as to create several inventions that would help the Mushroom Kingdom to this very day, such as the new security system to keep the Dark Star contained, to being the original inventor of the Bob-ombs! Eventually, he would come to cement his legacy as one of the Mushroom Kingdom’s many founding fathers, being one of many to help establish many laws that the kingdom continues to follow to this day! Eventually, Ivo would marry and have a son who he would name Booster, thus renaming Ivo as Booster the 1st and his new son Booster the 2nd. Booster the 2nd, unlike his father Booster the 1st, was less of an inventor and more of a builder, being attributed with crafting many buildings throughout the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond, from buildings located in Toad Harbor to his very OWN castle, which would be constructed to honor his father’s legacy until Booster the 1st’s eventual passing, thus ownership passed onto Booster the 2nd as a result. Over time, Booster the 2nd, while not becoming AS popular as his father, would be known for founding incredible buildings with his newly formed construction/Wrecking Crew, in places such as New Donk City to even founding the Marrymore church.
| Rob-ombs | |
|---|---|
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The prototype to the classic Bob-ombs. These machines still had a few kinks to work out, from their intense speed to more dangerous explosive power that would light up with just a single spark, to even their purple color! But thankfully, once ownership of these designs were claimed by the Neo Bowser City Robotics/Engineering Division, these issues were fixed and adjusted correctly. |
| Fun Fact!: Apparently, Booster the 1st got the idea for the Rob-ombs based on a dream he had where these same creatures had arms! What a strange dream! The subconscious mind is a wondrous thing. | |
Eventually, Booster the 2nd would marry and have a son of their own, promptly named Booster the 3rd. At the same time, Booster the 2nd would come to have a young apprentice who he would train to take over the wrecking crew once he finally retired. But before he did, Booster the 2nd would transform his late father’s tower, which was once a symbol of his father’s legacy, into an elaborate maze with long pits and high jumps, turning it into a fortress. But why, you may ask? Well, it was to keep his father’s most dangerous invention from ever being built. For you see, many years ago, a young Ivo Booster was captured by a technology-obsessed madman who wished to RULE THE WORLD! So he asked Ivo to design a powerful machine to help accomplish this task. Ivo at first refused, but after being threatened by the madman, he was forced to make the blueprints for said machine. He even went so far as to build a model of it in secret to see how it would fully look if it was completed. Eventually, the madman and his organization were banished from the Mushroom Kingdom and Booster the 1st was saved from capture, but the blueprints for this heinous machine still remained in Booster’s possession. And so, fearing that someone would look for the blueprints, Booster the 1st asked his son to hide them. As a result, the tower was transformed so that NO ONE could ever find the blueprints and use them for a vile purpose. Eventually, Booster the 2nd would pass away, and as such, Booster the 3rd had not only a prosperous and wealthy life, but also a castle to call his own, and for a time, life seemed to be perfect for him. But as always with the younger generation, things were about to change for the worse.
For you see, Booster the 3rd was tired of living in the life of luxury and wished for some excitement in his life! As such, Booster the 3rd soon used a large sum of his money to buy a boat and SAIL the seven seas as the infamous Captain Booster, eventually gathering a crew and a large sum of not only riches, but also crimes, thus tarnishing the once valuable reputation of the Booster line. However, Captain Booster didn't care about his family legacy or what his fathers before him founded. All he cared about was pillaging and plundering, doing battle with the legendary captain Inditoad for the treasure on Fortune Island, sailing on the Violet Passage, and causing heaps of mayhem. Eventually however, Captain Booster would find love on the open sea and would have a child, their name being Booster the 4th. Unfortunately, due to Captain Booster’s nature of being an adventure seeking pirate, Booster the 4th and his mother, unaware of their previous lineage and their ownership of the neighboring tower not too far away from Star Hill, lived in the seafaring town of Seaside Town, being occasionally visited by his father every few years. This neglect from not having a prominent father figure in his life caused Booster the 4th to develop a bad streak, which started with small time robbings, muggings, and shoplifting, until eventually developing into a criminal gang comprised of mainly Snifits, with Booster the 4th, now nicknamed Big Bad Booster (or BBB), as their leader. With this new gang, however, BBB became more distant with not just his father, but also his mother, as he tried to use the excitement of crime to fulfill his life. Eventually however, this would come to a sudden halt, as BBB was informed that his father had died. For you see, Captain Booster was planning on going to see his son that year, but right before he entered the town a vicious sea monster attacked the ship and sunk it. Thankfully, they were able to trap the beast in the ship’s lower deck, but at the cost of their lives. Years later, the pirate captain Johnny would claim the sunken ship as his own.
Big Bad Booster, after hearing of his father’s passing, soon took some time to grieve his father. During this time, he met a beautiful woman in Rose Town who he soon married. BBB gave up his life of crime and soon discovered his ancestral home. However, the Snifits were still loyal to him. As such, BBB renamed his most loyal members of his crew to the Snifsters, now his fateful servants. Eventually, as always Booster the 4th had a son, Booster the 5th, who unlike his father grew to have a passion for magic and the mystical arts. During this time, more Snfits longed to be apart of the Snifsters' crew, so BBB created a hidden training course on the promptly named Booster Pass to help train the young apprentices. Alongside this, BBB noticed that the Snifsters had a passion for collecting beetles, so he also founded Beetles Are Us, a beetle selling and purchasing store, so that all the Snfitsters could buy and sell all the beetles they want, with all the money going straight to BBB so that he could pay said Snifsters for their hard work. While Beetles Are Us was being founded, Booster the 5th, had begun to hone his skill for alchemy and magic, and got better and better each day. This was thanks in part to BBB, who wanted to always be there for his son unlike his own father. Years would pass, and BBB would eventually pass away, but thanks to the support he gave his son, Booster the 5th would then become BOOSTERO THE GREAT! The most powerful wizard and alchemist of all time! Secluding himself in his tower, Boostero had studied the art of magic, so much so he was even able to create multiple beings, from living wands to living puppets, to even making invisible Lava Bubbles! All while his only companions were his Loyal Snifsters and Flasks of Long Bottom Leaf he would use throughout the day. Eventually, Boostero would hire an assistant from the neighboring kingdom of Sarasaland, a lovely young lass who was very well versed in potions. Eventually, as all things do, their relationship blossomed into marriage and then having a child, Booster the 6th. However, things would not all be well for the young Booster, for Boostero, knowing that he was the most powerful wizard in all the land, wanted the kingdom for himself. So over the next few years, he would begin constructing a great army to take over the Mushroom Kingdom.
Some years would pass, and Booster the 6th, now known as Booster the Ruthless, would amass a LARGE army under his name with help from his father Boostero. They took over some of the Mushroom Kingdom, claiming it as their own. Eventually, Booster the Ruthless would become a self proclaimed king, and would eventually marry during this time. Due to his conquering of a vast amount of the Mushroom Kingdom’s land, he would become bored and requested to hire someone to keep him entertained, thus Grate Guy and Knife Guy came into the picture. The previous owners of the Emerald Circus were hired to become Booster the Ruthless’ court jesters, but slowly over time, they proved that they were MORE than just entertainers. As such, Booster the Ruthless hired both of them as his generals to lead his war against the Mushroom Kingdom. Speaking of the war, apparently it got SO BAD that the Koopa Kingdom, which at the time was ruled by King Kero Koopa, had to ally with the Mushroom Kingdom just to take Boostero and his forces down. During this time, many of the Koopa army’s weapons were taken, from their Bill Blasters to even some Chain Chomps. Eventually however, Boostero and Booster the Ruthless were defeated by both the Mushroom Kingdom and Koopa Kingdom armies, thus leading to Booster the Ruthless being banished while Boostero was turned into a pile of gold coins. After the war, Booster the 7th was born, going simply by the name Booster. Booster’s mother didn't fully care about her son and left him in the care of Grate Guy and Knife Guy. However, the Guys didn't even know how to take care of a child, so they simply gave the boy whatever he wanted, since his father had been paying them a LOT of gold to be his generals. As such, Booster got whatever he wanted when he wanted it, thanks mainly in part to the Snifsters who were STILL loyal servants of the Booster family line. So eventually, Booster would grow up becoming selfish, bratty, and all the while childish. Eventually, Booster converted his castle, his family legacy, into his own personal playhouse, and it has been that way ever since.
| Grate Guy’s Casino | |
|---|---|
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After the fall of Boostero, both Grate Guy and Knife Guy revoked their titles as generals and went into the casino business. Despite being small, the Grate Guy Casino is one of the most popular hidden casinos this side of World 7. |
| Fun Fact!: Despite being paid by Booster the Ruthless for their services, both of the brothers still needed a LARGE sum of money to pay for the construction of the casino due to it being in a remote location; thankfully, they discovered a large pile of coins laying around the castle after the war one day. How lucky! | |
Soon after the Seven Stars Disaster, Booster was married to Miss Valentina, and currently their relationship is up in the air. In fact, many theorize that Valentina is just after Booster’s money, which he is running out of since Beetles Are Us doesn't provide much in terms of income for an overspending manchild. As for what will happen next, and if there will be a Booster the 8th, well, only time will tell. So remember dear viewers, make sure to take the time to appreciate what your parents, grandparents, ancestors, etc. have given you, since in most instances, they worked hard to make your life what it is now. Thank those who laid the groundwork so you could walk on it, for those who crawled so you could walk, and be thankful for what you have and don't let greed cloud your mind and corrupt your moral compass. And so, with that, our story ends. I really hope you all enjoyed this edition of The Spectral Lens! And if you haven't already, make sure to go check out the awards ceremony and see who won what! If you have any suggestions for what I should look into next time, make sure to check out my official forum page. I'm always willing to play around and see what you want me to uncover! So don't be afraid to give me suggestions. And with that, I say: Merci, au revoir and happy awards everyone!
Dry Dry Data
Written by: DryBonesBandit (talk)
Welcome, once again, to the section of Dry Dry Data. I, DryBonesBandit, once again return to these papers to bring you a tale of adventure. Looking through my suggestion box, it seems that there’s high demand for me to study the Angry Sun (sol furioso), with a whopping one vote! Since so many of you have spoken in favor of the Angry Sun, I headed back to the Koopahari Desert with the company of Goombert, who we previously saw back in March. Without further ado, let's shine a light on my monthly adventure.
The Adventure
Some of you may remember me and Goombert having been on… not so good terms last we heard of him, so you’d be unsurprised to hear that we still were! He joined since he was bored of being stuck in my house. When we landed, he showed me around the desert, telling me where to watch out for Fire Snakes and which Warp Pipes I should avoid using. It seemed as though he was actually being friendly to me, which was unexpected. I soon realized that this was a ruse when he told me to take a right turn and I was attacked by many Pile Driver Micro-Goombas, who freed Goombert and knocked me out.
I woke up an hour or two later, with nothing on me, and decided to simply head back and give up the search. Before I could, however, a flaming ball swooped down from the sky and blocked my path. It turned out to be the Angry Sun of Koopahari (or A.S.o.K., as it told me to call it.) It had seen what went down and figured that I’d want to get my stuff back so it guided me across the desert to Goombert’s gang (who were actually not that far because they can’t run very fast). A.S.o.K. came down again and scared away Goombert and his allies, who dropped their ill-gotten gains; however, a certain small Goomba tripped, and I recaptured him in the jar he dropped. Saying goodbye to A.S.o.K., I headed back home, with Goombert in tow once more.
The Analysis
Angry Suns are large balls of orange fiery energy. They are related to Fire Snakes and Sparks (not the sub-director). Angry Suns have two eyes and a large mouth, stuck in a way that makes them appear constantly furious. Some people have reported seeing an Angry Sun with a drastically different appearance in Layer-Cake Desert; however, this is a mechanical replica created for a building event that took place there.
So, remember their name “Angry Sun”? Yeah, that’s a misnomer. These guys are actually pretty chill! A.S.o.K. told me how Angry Suns keep a watchful eye over deserts, only attacking when something bad or illegal is going on. The name “Angry Sun” became their title after A.S.o.K. attacked Mario on his way to save Princess Peach, but as it turns out, A.S.o.K. was given bad information by Bowser which tricked the sun into going for the kill. In short, Angry Suns are generally peaceful creatures who spend their time in the skies.
However, there’s one exception. The Angry Sun of Dark Land is a minion of Bowser, and they attack anyone passing by that is not loyal to the king. If you ever decide to go by Dark Land (which I also don’t recommend for many other reasons), bring a Koopa Shell with you; they are durable enough to stop an Angry Sun.
The end
Remember, leave me a suggestion on my talk page or on the Mario Boards!
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
King's Visit Causes Diplomatic Row
What was meant to be a simple diplomatic visit to discuss trade opportunities with the far-off Panther Kingdom, a small kingdom located on a distant continent near the edge of the Mushroom World known for its signature aphrodisiac honey (said to be made from the pollen of its unique big breasted-sunflowers) as well as its vast reserve of concentrated fecal matter (an important ingredient in some of the Mushroom World's most effective fertilizer), quickly turned sour when the diplomatic party arrived unexpectedly with the controversial monarch of the kingdom, King Conker The Squirrel I. King Conker, who Mushroom Kingdom citizens might remember as one of the many different heroes (although admittedly on the lower periphery of hero-dom) who populate our planet, is most known for aiding Diddy Kong in the nine-man go-kart squad that liberated Timber Island from the dreaded Wizpig. Others may remember him as the one who defeated the notorious Birthday Present Thief The Evil Acorn before stumbling into the Panther Kingdom one night after a drunken bender before and defeating the tyrannical Panther King, liberating the kingdom and being declared king in the process.
Since then, Conker had for the most part remained in his new kingdom, running the kingdom's "affairs". Although, according to rumors from the Mushroom Kingdom diplomatic circles, his activities mostly consisted of drinking, gambling, and skirt-chasing in the crime-ridden capital city. When asked why he decided to accompany his diplomats on what would surely be a boring diplomatic visit, King Conker declared that he was simply bored of the Panther Kingdom and wanted to see the sights of the Mushroom Kingdom and hang out with some old friends. Immediately following this statement, King Conker demanded to see Diddy Kong, apparently not knowing Diddy Kong lives on Donkey Kong Island with the rest of the Kongs. Despite assurances from his chief advisor/self-proclaimed closest supporter Franky the Pitchfork that King Conker would be on his best behavior, it quickly became apparent he was anything but. Before the meeting even began, he reportedly obnoxiously and obviously ogled Toadette. Then, during a presentation on trade benefits and projected currency exchange rates, he loudly shotgunned a beer before slamming the can on his forehead and loudly belching. Finally, he interrupted the Mushroom Kingdom's Finance Minister to compliment Princess Peach for wearing a very "flattering" dress that really "showed off" her figure!
As abhorrent as King Conker's behavior was during the meeting, his behavior after the meeting was even worse. Declaring that he wanted to see the town, King Conker spent the night bar hopping from bar to bar, getting exceptionally plastered. While doing so, he allegedly flirted with nearly every pretty lady he could find, feeding them lines such as "come over here baby, every king needs a queen". This behavior not only led to at least three bar fights, but at the end of the night King Conker not only refused to pay his tab at any of the bars. Instead, he claimed the drinks were a goodwill gesture from the Mushroom Kingdom to the Panther Kingdom. When guards attempted to break things up, he declared that he had diplomatic immunity before staggering off drunk while saying that any attempts to arrest him would be considered an act of war. Following this, he relieved himself in one of Toad Town's mailboxes!
After these events, King Conker and his party left, having accomplished nothing the two sides set out to do thanks to the actions of King Conker preventing any actual work from getting done. As the full scope of damages from his behavior became apparent, the Royal Government immediately filed an official protest with the Panther Kingdom emissary, demanding not only an explanation for King Conker's behavior, but also an apology and for him to pay his massive bar tab! On the Panther Kingdom's part, their response consisted of a single two-word letter written on official King Conker stationery simply saying "Get Bent". This response only further enraged the Royal Government, who at press time are said to be debating a number of more aggressive responses ranging from tariff increases to maybe even a response extreme as a complete trade freeze with the Mushroom Kingdom. With relations between the two kingdoms at an all-time low, we reached out to two longtime correspondents: Hooded Pitohui, former assistant to the Senior Attaché to the Beanbean Kingdom, and Foreign Relations Professor Shoey, author of The Politics of Dreams: The History of Relations Between Subcon and the Mushroom Kingdom, for their opinions on the dilemma.
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It is in my opinion that the Mushroom Kingdom should express caution in its response to these alleged provocations. While it cannot be argued against that what King Conker did is unacceptable and an affront to basic decency, the fact is there are wider issues at play. For starters, while yes, it is true the Panther Kingdom is a small kingdom tucked away in the far distant corner of the Mushroom World, the fact is that a country that gets invaded as much as ours shouldn't cast aside allies so easily. While small, and despite King Conker's years of wasteful spending and questionable financial decisions, the Panther Kingdom still has ample cash reserves that can be used on trade either with us or our enemies! Additionally, they hold a number of products that have proven beneficial to the Mushroom Kingdom. Most importantly, it would be foolish to completely cut off our trade with the kingdom! With a seemingly-endless supply of premium fertilizer, the Panther Kingdom is one of the largest exporters of fertilizer in the world. Not only do they export more fertilizer than any other kingdom, but their fertilizer is of higher quality than nearly any other kingdom! Without their fertilizer, agriculture yields would drop tremendously. Now, while it is possible that with enough investment and cooperation with the Beezos of Bean Valley as well as dipping into our own fertilizer deposits, you could potentially replace the Panther Kingdom's fertilizer, the fact is that you're talking a multi-year project. What are our farmers supposed to use in the meantime? Hopes and dreams? Our farmers are dependent on abundant high quality fertilizer to grow their crops. Are we to tell them that because of, what, an unpaid bar tab and some uncouth comments, that they're no longer able to get their fertilizer??? They'll be in rebellion! Or at least they'll write a lot of nasty letters to the government! I understand that there are a lot of calls for punishment towards King Conker because of his actions, and, yes, I do find his actions were deplorable. But diplomatic relations are a tricky thing. One false move and we could move the Panther Kingdom right into the clutches of the Koopa Kingdom! In my opinion, it's better if we just forget the whole thing ever happened. Send a new trade delegation to the Panther Kingdom with a twelve-pack of our finest domestic beer. Have a drink with the king and try to put this whole ugly matter behind us! It might not feel great, but it's for the good of the kingdom! |
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Let me begin by saying unequivocally, from all of my years working within the Foreign Ministry of the Beanbean Kingdom, King Conker's behavior would never be tolerated by Her Royal Highness Queen Bean's Government. Nor should, I dare to say, the Royal Government of the Mushroom Kingdom take this deplorable display of discourtesy without exacting a toll on King Conker. The safety, comfort, and economic livelihoods of Mushroom Kingdom residents were harmed by his reprehensible behavior. Princess Peach herself was subjected to humiliating treatment. These facts would be bad enough, but when pressed to compensate those residents he harmed, King Conker made patently clear what he thinks of the long-standing friendship between the Mushroom Kingdom and Panther Kingdom. Well, if he thinks so lowly of the Mushroom Kingdom, then it is high time the Mushroom Kingdom embargo his nation to see how his reaction tempers when his dwindling treasury can no longer support his debauchery! I understand diplomatic leeway has long been afforded to King Conker due to his role in the liberation of Timber Island and on account of former friends hoping support might help him to set himself right, but he is a king and he must begin acting like one. He should act in the interest of the people of the Panther Kingdom, just as the Royal Government must act in the interest of the people of the Mushroom Kingdom and cut off trade relations completely until King Conker issues an apology and compensation for damages done. |
| Of course, beneath the matters of dignity and respect, there are practical concerns which must be addressed. Firstly, the matter of substituting the chief exports of the Panther Kingdom to the Mushroom Kingdom. While the Panther Kingdom's raw inputs for fertilizer are valuable and remain the cheapest sources of fertilizer on the market, the Mushroom Kingdom is not without domestic production sources or alternative long-standing friends able to produce fertilizer. With proper investment in the Bean Valley and cooperation with the Shy Away clan of Beezo, the Mushroom Kingdom can scale its fertilizer industry and achieve comparable prices. In the meantime, shortfall can be made up through increased fertilizer imports from the Beanbean Kingdom, derived from the composting of Chuckola Fruits unsuitable for beverage making. The Panther Kingdom's honey is, admittedly, more difficult to replace, but then, it is a luxury, and some sacrifice must be tolerated for the kingdom's dignity. Of course, it must be the hope and aim of the Royal Government that these sacrifices need only be made for a short time. The goal must be to compel King Conker to apologize and restore relations between the kingdoms, and to bring him around, the Royal Government must have a credible threat of escalation. Perhaps King Conker ought keep in mind that it would not be difficult for the Mushroom Kingdom to make an international case for an embargo upon the Panther Kingdom. The Panther Kingdom's recurrent troubles with the guerrilla militant Tediz faction suggests that King Conker is not successfully managing the affairs of the kingdom. Given cause to believe that some of the wealth from trade is being seized by this reprehensible affront to the international community, many kingdoms would see fit to restrict trade in order to cut off their funding... The Mushroom Kingdom holds greater leverage over the Panther Kingdom. For the honor and comfort of its residents, it must use that leverage, and apply maximal pressure to King Conker to compel him to apologize and pay his debts! |
Written by: Legend 8
The Sorcery Show
Episode 21: The Big Infestation
It is a nice and sunny day in the Mushroom Kingdom, and the Magikoopa Pyro's huge and twisted castle - is floating around somewhere in space. Due to this slight inconvenience, Pyro and his friends are currently staying somewhere else, at a small farm on the outskirts of New Wikisburg.
Kroop: So what exactly are we doing here again?
Let me explain! One of Pyro's colleagues is letting us stay at his farm while he's away, so now we have a temporary place to live. But we also agreed to tend to his power-up crops.
Pyro: I always wanted to try being a farmer. And all these power-ups, so exciting, woohoo!
Kroop: Yeah, I already know all of that, but why did we choose this over just magicking up a new castle or something??
Pyro: Well first of all IT'S NOT MAGIC! And then, huh. I didn't think about that. But now we promised to keep Frikrates' farm safe, so we gotta stay.
Kroop: Wait, did you say Frikrates? The guy who thinks he's a potato and got hypnotized by the Agents into...?!
He used to, Kroop. But now he's neither a potato, nor is he hypnotized, anymore. After we saved him, he started a peaceful life experimenting with power-ups on this farm, don't you remember?
Pyro: Oh, and remember my special vegetables? These were heavily inspired by his work!
Kroop: You're right, I see. So what are we gonna do now?
Pyro: I don't know? Maybe explore around and have fun testing all power-ups we can get our hands on?
Frikrates said we especially need to watch out for parasites or diseases that might attack the plants, I think we should really pay the fields a visit.
Kroop: Fine. It sure is better than sitting around here.
They walk to the fields and take a look around. They stand amidst rows upon rows of crops, each holding unique antilogical power, ready to be unleashed by eating them.
Wow, this is beautiful! I'm sure Frikrates is making a lot of money with these.
Kroop: Well, if they're even nearly as unpredictable as Pyro's, definitely not.
Pyro: LOOK AT ME I'M A FIRE BREATHING POTATO GOLEM HAHAHAHA!!!
Kroop: Point made. Pyro! You shouldn't just gulp down random items at the same time!
That's true, there might be an unexpected reaction.
Pyro: Aww, okay.
Pyro reverts back to normal and then proceeds to try each item, one at a time. The others also try some, but mostly, they're busy cleaning up Pyro's mess. Two fire outbreaks and a tornado later, it's already pretty dark, and our heroes are walking back towards the farm.
Pyro: Oh yeah, that was FUN! Power-ups of all shapes and sizes, any taste imaginable, and powers beyond imagination! Oh, and they're so beautiful too, they come in so many colors, green, orange, brown, or... purple? Oh, this one's new, I haven't tried this one!
Pyro points towards a big purple mushroom growing in a field of Comet Carrots. He then sees a few more poking out of the ground in random places.
Huh, strange. I could have sworn these were 1-UP-Mushrooms the last time we went past here...
Kroop: Wait. Guys, why is there one on the path right in front of us? It used to be empty a few seconds ago...
And behind us too! I wonder- Aaaah! Look! They're moving!
Pyro: Looks like they're coming towards us. Are they going to chase us? Oooh, nice!
Kroop: No that is definitely NOT nice!! And yes, they apparently are coming for us. RUUUNNNN!!!
In a flash of flames, our heroes teleport away from the mushrooms closing in on them, and start to run as the rotten, purple-capped fungi quickly catch up. On closer inspection, they look like violet skulls, with tiny malevolent eyes on their stems.
Oh! Those are Rotten Mushrooms! A nocturnal mutation of the 1-UP that can be deadly on touch, and will aggressively chase any bypassers! Also, apparently they spread pretty rapidly, cause there's A LOT of them!
Pyro: Hm, I wonder how they might taste...
Kroop: No, Pyro! Just give them a taste of YOUR power instead, okay?
Pyro: Fine. I CAST FIREBALL!!!
Pyro's spell explodes many of the mushrooms into ashes - but more and more of them appear! The heroes run even faster, Pyro shooting spells behind him that don't do even nearly enough to stop the rotten horde.
Kroop: They're catching up! We gotta- wait, why are we even running if we can just teleport?!
He's got a point! We should lock ourselves in the barn over there!
Pyro: Okay, get ready, we'll arrive in 3... 2... 1...
They teleport to the barn, open the doors, get inside and slam them shut. Pyro then locks the entrance - a good decision, as soon after, the horde of Rotten Mushrooms start banging against the gates furiously. But our heroes are safe for now.
???: Hah hah hah hah...!! Hilarious! Fantastic! Haha, sorry friends... But it was just so funny!!!
Kroop: What?? Where!? Who?!?
Frikrates, the antilogician Toad with the potato hat, steps from the shadows, giggling.
Pyro: Frikrates? How come you're back so soon? Oh, and we have to tell you something, the fields are infested with Rotten Mushrooms and-
Frikrates: Pyro, I'm, hehe, honestly very sorry. I was never gone to begin with, I just got REALLY bored and decided to play a prank on someone, and since you were looking for a place to stay... Hehe, I just wanted to scare you a bit with the mushrooms. I'm sorry. It worked though, didn't it?
Kroop: Yeah... But, come on, really?! And then you still wonder why people mistake you guys for terribly evil magicians!!
Pyro: Hahahahaha! Oh, Frikrates, that was absolute genius! And also a lot of fun, so, thanks!
Uh, Frikrates, it's nice that you apologized and stuff, and it did give us a good scare, but isn't there a big problem, like, really big? Let me explain, the mushrooms are rapidly spreading! What started as a small jumpscare will grow into an army of rotten death if we don't do anything against it!!
Frikrates: Oh. Uh. Yeah, I didn't really consider that...
Kroop: Ugh, now there's two of them! That's the same thing Pyro always says when he messes up!!
Pyro: No time for bickering, Kroop. We need to make a plan!
Frikrates: Hmmmmmmm...
Pyro: Hmmmmmmm...
Kroop: Really?! That's not going to help!
Pyro: Oh, I know! We fly above them and bombard them with spells until they're all gone! Then we clean up the mess with a mini black hole vaccuum cleaner and...
Sounds like a lot of collateral damage to the crops if you ask me...
Frikrates: Nooo, it's a great plan! I'm sure my fields will be fine!
Kroop: ...yeah, of course.
And so, our heroes and Frikrates hover out of the window, floating above the horde of mushrooms, and the two antilogicians start obliterating them.
Pyro: Hah! That's 37! What's your count, Fri?
Frikrates: Damn, only 32. But just you wait, I'll win this easily! There go another three!
It seems to be working! They can't touch us while we're up here!
Kroop: Why is it that we always find the obvious, best possible solution when it's almost too late?! I'm sure we missed something again!
Meanwhile, Pyro and Frikrates are still demolishing the evil mushrooms - and the fields. Frikrates hurls an especially powerful explosion, to even the score and incinerate half a dozen mushrooms and a patch of helicopter beetroots. But as the dust settles, the mushrooms are still there, and they have absorbed the destroyed power-ups! They immediately take flight, and the friends start to realise that all over the fields, the mushrooms are starting to mutate and absorb abilities from the burnt plants!
Frikrates: Oops.
Pyro: I was about to say that exact same thing.
Let me explain! They must have come into contact with the exploded remn-
Kroop: Less explaining, more dodging! They can jump and fly and shoot fireballs! Help!!
The heroes have trouble fending off the Rotten Mushrooms, and this time, they can't escape. One of the helicopter ones dodges Pyro's staff and flies right into his face to poison him! But the moment it hits, it suddenly becomes green and lifeless - the sun is rising, and all Rotten Mushrooms become 1-UPs again.
Pyro: No, not in the fa-! Huh. A 1-UP? Oh, yum!
Kroop: What the..? Oh. I KNEW we missed the simplest solution of them all!! We could have just waited until the next morning...
Frikrates: Ah, and now I remember why I did this to begin with! Obviously, I would never play a prank that isn't totally safe! But like this, they're very easy to get rid of.
Even better, if you remove the rotten enchantment, you can sell them! Everyone knows 1-UPs, so they're much more likely to buy them, instead of your cursed veggies! No offense.
Frikrates: None taken! Now, we'll have a nice mushroom soup with some fries drink for breakfast, and then we'll maybe get you three a nice new place to live, eh? I mean, you could also stay with me, but I know you, you're always looking for a new adventure, hehe!
Kroop: ...not really, most of it is just being unlucky... and Pyro, of course.
The Ghostly Dossier
Written by: Golddude64 (talk)
Hey everyone! My name is Goldoo and welcome back to The Ghostly Dossier! In my last issue I talked about the Ghost Guy, and I finally finished that ghost translator! So today I’m gonna do something different… I’m going to interview the mysterious portrait ghost, Neville!
The Setup
Now unlike my previous entries, I did not need to capture this one. However, this particular specter is trapped in a painting… and there are no other Nevilles… meaning that I needed to find a way to release him temporarily to interview him… thankfully, I did hear that E. Gadd had used the Ghost Portrificationizer in reverse to save a certain plumber in red I’m sure you’ve heard of! So, I went to ask E. Gadd if I could use the Ghost Portrificationizer to release one of his ghosts. He told me no… BUT, he had made a new invention he wanted to try out! And by try out, he means I test it… it works like this: I hang up the portrait in a Ghost-Proof room, where ghosts can’t escape! Then, his device will apply a very low amount of Dark Light to the portrait, just enough so that he can’t escape, but enough to where we can communicate. So, ghost translator in hand, notebook in other, I was ready. Here’s how it went:
The Interview
N- Who has released me!?
G- Uhh… me?
N- Well if it isn’t the professor’s little prodigy… What is it that you want?
G- An interview! I’ve heard you’ve read many books about ghosts and the like, could I ask you a few questions? And maybe some about yourself?
N- Well it’s not like I really have a choice, but only 4 questions…
G- That’s oddly specific?
N- Do you want the interview or not?
G- Okay okay… How did you die?
N- *sigh* Of course… you mortals are so repetitive. It’s quite boring really, a bookshelf fell on me.
G- Huh. Okay, onto question 2, how did the mansion get filled with ghosts?
N- That is an interesting question, though not certain, it is said that a ruler of ghosts took over the mansion after being released from capture by a mysterious professor, but was soon sealed away in the storage room alongside its fifty loyal subjects.
G- Mysterious professor? That sounds a bit familiar… Okay, now onto question 3, I've read that somewhere in the mansion lurks its manifestation of fear and despair. Do you know about that?
N- That would be Bogmire, a very powerful spirit, neither ghost nor creature…
G- Okay, final question… I’ve noticed that some ghosts seemed to have never died, and may be creatures with ghost-like properties, is this true?
N- N__ q_i_e, i_ *KRSHHHHT*
G- Aw dang… it ran outta batteries…
The Analysis
(Spectral Mass Count: 25W)
Although I wasn’t able to scan him myself, weirdly, my hand-me-down Gameboy Horror had a scan of him already! Neville is the owner of the haunted mansion, as well as the husband to Lydia and father to Chauncey and the twins Henry and Orville. He spent most of his life reading, and even continues to read even after death! Apparently he’s catching up on all the books he never got to read or finish.
Now, being a Portrait Ghost, he is quite powerful, maybe not as powerful as other Portrait Ghosts, but he’s still significantly more powerful than your average ghost. He also possesses a lot of knowledge after reading all those books, and can be a bit pretentious about it. As well as picky with who he chooses to share it with, but at least I was able to get some information out of him!
The End
Well, that about does it for this month’s issue! I learned a lot this issue, but I’ve still got lots to do to figure out this whole mystery. So see you next time!
Written by: Wallace Ulysses
WAH-lcome WAH-ne, WAH-lcome all to another news report surrounding the unofficial Year of Waluigi, dedicated to our lovable mischievous purple man’s twenty-fifth anniversary! This is Wallace Ulysses, President of the Waluigi Fan Club, coming right at you with a special report, live at the scene! You see, I had been tipped off by WAH-ne of my contacts that Waluigi and his famed baseball team, the Waluigi Spitballs would be facing off against the Luigi Knights in Wario City during this warm August month, and as President of the Waluigi Fan Club, you know as well as any other that I, Wallace Ulysses, couldn’t refuse the opportunity to bring a live coverage of the event right to your ‘Shroom Fake News pages! I might not have the wildly unbridled enthusiasm that former Fake News sports columnist ClawgripFan9001 had, but that won’t stop me from trying regardless!
So here we are, at the sidelines of the game between the Waluigi Spitballs and the Luigi Knights, live from Wario City! Waluigi and his team, which mostly consists of Goombas with purple shoes, Koopas with purple shells, Paratroopas with purple shells, Piantas with purple skin, and even Duplighosts with purple sheets, are to pitch for this first inning!
Luigi and his team, mostly made up of Green Yoshis, Koopas with green shells, Green Kritters, Nokis with green shells, and even Duplighosts with green sheets, on the other hand, are to bat for this first inning! WAH, for some reason, both Waluigi and his green rival appear to have developed a very strange affection towards Duplighosts in the last few months, but it doesn’t matter!
WAH-t really matters, though, is that we’re going to PLAY BALL!!! Our beloved nuisance in purple is to pitch for his team, with WAH-ne of the Green Yoshis on his green rival’s team at bat! Waluigi throws the ball with all his might, and the Green Yoshi at bat slugs it across the field, but WAH-ne of Waluigi’s Goomba teammates manages to catch the ball with its non-existent hands, which means that our Green Yoshi batter is out!
Stepping up to bat for the Luigi Knights next in line, is WAH-ne of the Green Kritters of the team! A confident smirk sits on Waluigi’s face as he charges his pitch, sends it flying, our Green Kritter bats it out onto the field, and with a little bit of teamwork, one of Waluigi’s Duplighost teammates bounces off of the shell of a Purple Koopa teammate to snatch the ball out of the air, thus meaning that our Green Kritter is now out!
The next member of the Luigi Knights on the batting plate is a Green Duplighost! Waluigi grins as if he feels that he’s slowly but surely getting into shape, so he WAH-nce again throws the ball, which is ruled as a “Ball”, so Waluigi throws another ball, which is ruled as another “Ball”, so feeling that three times’ the charm, our lengthy smart-aleck in purple chucks WAH-ne more ball, which the Green Duplighost promptly swats throughout the stadium, but thanks to some double play between a Pianta and Goomba representing the Waluigi Spitballs, the Duplighost is out, and with three outs for the Luigi Knights, it’s time for the two teams to change sides, meaning that the Waluigi Spitballs are to bat and the Luigi Knights are to pitch!
First up to represent the Waluigi Spitballs on the batting plate is a purple Paratroopa, said to be going by the name Parakoopy Shelltoro! Parakoopy Shelltoro is a professional baseball player within the Mushroom World, and has played on the baseball field for the Waluigi Spitballs before, so he knows WAH-t he’s getting himself into! Luigi stands at the pitch, ready to give Waluigi and his team a run for their money, so the beanpole in green throws the ball, Parakoopy Shelltoro hits it, and it goes into the outfield, lands on it, indicating a “Fair”, which means that Parakoopy Shelltoro gets to move towards first base!
Our next batter for the Waluigi Spitballs is a Goomba by the name Goombalex Rodriguez, another professional baseball player who has played for the Waluigi Spitballs in the past, so he too knows WAH-t to expect when representing the purple troublemaker in the Mushroom World Baseball Leagues! Luigi pitches the ball, but Goombalex Rodriguez fails to properly send it out to the field, which means that the ball goes rolling away from the batting plate, though Goombalex Rodriguez still gets to make a run for first base, but a Green Yoshi representing the Luigi Knights manages to snag the ball from the field, which means that Goombalex Rodriguez is out! Parakoopy Shelltoro successfully made it towards second base though, so he’s still in the game for the Waluigi Spitballs!
Now it’s time for the most exciting moment of the game thus far; Waluigi is at bat, which means we’re due to have a Clash of the Captains! Bolts of lightning exchange as Luigi and Waluigi make eye contact with one another, and as Luigi pulls off his special Tornado Ball pitch, he manages to get a strike on Waluigi! The green man’s next throw is a regular WAH-ne, which Waluigi manages to hit, but sadly, a Green Noki manages to get a hold of the ball, meaning that our lofty mischievous bloke in purple is out! WAHHHH, an upset of cosmic proportions, I say! Fortunately, Parakoopy Shelltoro is still safe, so the Waluigi Spitballs are still at bat! We go into an RBI change, and one of our Purple Piantas, who happens to be a professional baseball player named Joe Tato, is to bat!
As the ball comes flying towards Joe Tato, courtesy of Luigi, the Purple Pianta manages to successfully hit the ball, but is unfortunately ruled a “Foul”! WAHHHH!!! Luigi then sends a second ball Joe Tato’s way, but thanks to a late swing on Joe Tato’s end, it’s a strike! And WAH-t’s this?! Luigi readies another Tornado Ball! Will Joe Tato successfully get a hit this time?! Nay, he doesn’t, for he’s struck out by the lean green bean! WAH…!!! That ends the first inning of this game, so it’s time to move on to the second and see if it’ll improve the Waluigi Spitballs’ chances of getting their score off the zero mark!
As the Luigi Knights are at bat once more, the green-clad plumber himself is to bat for his team this time, so Waluigi readies himself to repay his rival for the sloppy first inning his team suffered at the hands of his rival and his team! Activating his special pitch, the Liar Ball, Waluigi manages to get an easy first strike on his green adversary! Throwing a second ball, Luigi gets a successful hit this time around, but thanks to a fabulous play on the outfield, courtesy of Impurr Sonate, one of the Waluigi Spitballs’ Duplighost players, the younger Mario Brother is out! As we are shown a replay of this magnificent play of Mr. Sonate, a gleeful wave of cheers erupts from the supporting wing of the Waluigi Spitballs situated within the stadium’s bleachers!
In spite of that though, the Luigi Knights are determined to keep fighting, so they send WAH-ne of their Green Yoshi players, Kaiju Daikessen up to the batting plate next! Getting back into the fighting spirit, Waluigi hurdles the ball towards the mesozoic batter, who gets the hit on it, but thanks to a formidable back-and-forth between Joe Tato and Goombalex Rodriguez, the prehistoric steed is out of action!
Kawaras Naldea, WAH-ne of the Green Kritters representing the Luigi Knights, is the next batter to set foot on the plate! Determined to keep the remainder of his team from being struck out by our lovable mischievous purple beanpole, he readies himself for Waluigi’s pitch, only for the purple WAH-ne to send it whizzing straight past his head, resulting in a “Ball”! Waluigi then sends another ball soaring past Mr. Naldea’s face, this time resulting in a strike! Throwing a third ball, Waluigi finds himself surprised that Mr. Naldea manages to get a hit this time around, but fortunately for the purple-clad nuisance and his teammates, the ball goes flying straight into the glove of Joe Tato, signaling Mr. Naldea’s out, thus ushering in the Waluigi Spitballs’ turn at bat for the second inning!
With Luigi back on pitching duties, the next batter representing the Waluigi Spitballs is WAH-ne of the purple-shelled Koopas, going by the name Gysson Masenko! Preparing himself to hit a big WAH-ne, Luigi throws the ball, prompting Mr. Masenko to get a hit on, which is first a “Fair”, since it bounced off the ground before landing in the glove of Mr. Naldea, but is then passed towards WAH-ne of the Green Nokis of the Luigi Knights, who manages to catch the ball in the nick of time before Mr. Masenko reaches first base, thus rendering him out!
It’s now up to the next of the purple Duplighosts representing the Waluigi Spitballs, Cooper Cath, to keep the momentum going for his team! Anticipating the right timing on Luigi’s pitch, Mr. Cath successfully hits the ball and sends it flying into the outfield, reaching first base before any of the Luigi Knights manage to get him out! WAH-HA!
Being followed up by the next of the Waluigi Spitballs’ Duplighost players, Mr. Impurr Sonate steps up to the batting plate to spin things around for the better for his team! Luigi tries to throw the Duplighost off with another Tornado Ball, but Mr. Sonate gets a successful hit on it, only for it to be ruled as a “Foul”! WAHHHH…!!! Mr. Sonate won’t crumble under pressure though, as he gets another hit on the next ball, which goes into the outfield, being ruled as a “Fair”, much to the chagrin of the Luigi Knights’ outfielders! Mr. Cath moves up to second base as Mr. Sonate moves up to first base!
We enter another RBI change as another of the Waluigi Spitballs’ Paratroopa players is at bat this time, who goes by the name Flightchael Soaring! Luigi sends a ball flying, which is caught by WAH-ne of the Waluigi Spitballs, thus rendering the team safe! This prompts the green-clad plumber to toss another ball in Mr. Soaring’s direction, who misses and thus gets a strike thanks to a late swing on the Paratroopa’s end! Smiling confidently, Luigi throws another ball at Mr. Soaring, who swings late yet again, thus receiving another strike! WAH, if he misses this next ball, he’s out! The mean green bean decides to bring out the big balls, as he catches Mr. Soaring off-guard with another Tornado Ball, thus striking out the Paratroopa batter! WAH-yyyy…?!!!
Fortunately, the Waluigi Spitballs are still at bat, so they have at least WAH-ne more chance to redeem themselves in this second inning! The second of the team’s Goomba players, Goombristian Campbell is to bat for the Waluigi Spitballs next, and with the Spitballs’ reputation for this particular game on the line, Mr. Campbell gets a hit on the ball that’s sent streaking his way by Luigi, and he successfully gets two of his teammates back to home base, thus resulting in a 2-0 on the scoreboard for the Waluigi Spitballs! The Spitballs’ fanbase rejoices through loud cheering, which is made even better for them as shown through the subsequent replay!
WAH-t a play! Mr. Campbell is visibly pleased by the lead he managed to give his team as he too rejoices in allowing them to remain at bat for a prolonged period of time for this second inning! Parakoopy Shelltoro flies up to the batting plate once more, his fierce baseball spirit flaring up thanks to the 2-0 lead his team was just given! Luigi pitches, Mr. Shelltoro bats, and it’s a “Foul”! WAH! Fortunately for Mr. Shelltoro, he quickly fixes this error by sending the next ball courtesy of Luigi onto the outfield, after which Mr. Campbell successfully reaches second base while Mr. Shelltoro himself safely makes it to first before either of them are rendered out!
Goombalex Rodriguez is back at the batting plate for his second turn at doing so for the game, so let’s see if he’ll be as lucky this time as his fellow Goomba teammate was earlier! Luigi hurls the ball, but it curves right over Mr. Rodriguez’ head out of his reach, thus getting in a late swing and receiving a strike! Determined to solve that mishap as quickly as possible, Mr. Rodriguez sends the next ball hurdling through the outfield, granting Mr. Campbell the opportunity to safely cross home plate, further putting the Spitballs at a 3-0 lead! Mr. Rodriguez celebrates his marvelous play as Waluigi himself steps up to the plate again for the second inning’s Clash of the Captains!
Waluigi has an overconfident smirk plastered over his face, mocking his green rival by doing so, prompting Luigi to angrily glare back at him in response. The younger Mario Brother manages to catch his purple adversary off-guard with a Tornado Ball, causing Waluigi to miss thanks to an early swing, receiving a strike in the process! Waluigi decides to fight fire with fire, so he brings out his special batting swing, the Liar Swing! It proves effective enough to allow Parakoopy Shelltoro to cross home plate and putting the Spitballs at a 4-0 advantage! Waluigi himself rejoices at the spectacular play he just made, while the Spitballs’ fanbase rejoices alongside him through singing the teams’ official anthem!
The green-clad captain of the Luigi Knights, however, is starting to show visible signs of fatigue from all the pitching he’s had to do thus far! This prompts Luigi to have to appoint WAH-ne of his Green Yoshi players, Kaiju Daikessen to defensive duties for the team! With Luigi forced to take a rest from pitching duties, Goombalex Rodriguez at second base and Waluigi at first base, it’s now up to Joe Tato to keep the points streak going for the Spitballs, whereas Kaiju Daikessen is now responsible for striking out every WAH-ne of the Spitballs’ batters!
Mr. Daikessen then sends the ball shuttling towards Mr. Tato, and much to everybody’s surprise, our Purple Pianta batter manages to score the first 3-Hit Homerun of the game! Mr. Tato rejoices before he joins his teammates on their run towards home plate, further adding up the score for the Spitballs with 7-0! We’re then shown a replay of that star-studded master play courtesy of Mr. Tato, prompting a loud cheering from the Spitballs’ fanbase, whereas the Knights’ fanbase find themselves in tears, just like Brazil during their humiliating 7-1 loss to Germany during the 2014 FIFA World Cup semi-finals!
The remainder of the Spitballs’ turn at bat for the second inning proved relatively uneventful as the last batter representing Waluigi’s team for said inning was struck out, after which Mr. Daikessen began showing signs of fatigue relatively quickly after having been assigned to pitching duties! Either way, we were soon headed into the third inning, where the Luigi Knights’ turn at bat proved to be rather short-lived as Waluigi and his outfielders managed to get the Knights’ batters out surprisingly quickly, like a theater during an R-rated movie that was too disgusting for people to bear witness to!
Likewise, the Waluigi Spitballs’ turn at bat for the third inning was also more short-lived than expected, because in spite of his quickly developing fatigue, Mr. Daikessen still manages to get out enough of the Spitballs’ batters with a little help from his friends, the Knights’ outfielders!
At the start of the fourth inning, however, things start improving for the Luigi Knights for the better, as WAH-ne of their batters manages to get themselves a Homerun, thus scoring the Knights’ first point of the game, changing the scoreboard to 7-1! The Spitballs are still leading by six points, however, so all bets are still off as to which team will be claiming victory! The fatigue also seems to be affecting our favorite purple troublemaker, though, as he too is starting to get WAH-rn out from all the pitches he’s had to make so far! He still manages to get out his green-clad rival, Luigi however, thanks to some magnificent teamwork with his outfielders!
By the time the Spitballs are up for batting over the fourth inning, the fatigue proves too much for Mr. Daikessen to shoulder any longer, forcing the Knights to assign Kawaras Naldea, the first of their Green Kritter players to pitching position! Mr. Naldea proves to be a valuable resource when first assigned to pitching duties, as he manages to get Joe Tato out with three strikes! Gysson Masenko doesn’t fare much better, as he too is taken out by the quick hands of the Knights’ outfielders!
I WAH-sn’t able to get much of a scoop on the fifth and sixth innings, because the fifth inning was so uneventful that I went to get myself a dozen hot dogs and ended up missing all of the fifth and sixth innings combined, but from what my lifeline on the sideline whispered into my Waluigi-loving ears, the Luigi Knights managed to significantly catch up to the Waluigi Spitballs due to a series of homeruns their batters managed to strike, thus tallying up the scoreboard to 7-4 by the time I returned to watch the game. I was also informed that the fatigue became too much for Waluigi, so he assigned Impurr Sonate, WAH-ne of the Duplighosts representing his team to pitching duties, though just like Mr. Daikessen, he was overcome with fatigue rather quickly as well. Subsequently, the Luigi Knights also switched pitchers, because they felt Mr. Naldea had done his work by getting their team some much needed homeruns, thus a Green Noki, whose name is Alfredo Fettucini, was put in charge of the Luigi Knights’ pitches next.
The seventh inning WAH-sn’t any more special, since both teams failed to score any points, so not much to say about that. It almost tempted me to get another dozen hot dogs, but seeing as I hadn’t even finished half of my first dozen, I wisely decided to refrain from getting that second dozen yet. As for the eighth inning, both teams managed to score a single homerun, changing the scoreboard to 8-5 for the Waluigi Spitballs.
It’s now time to close out this day with the ninth and final inning of the game, so if the Luigi Knights are to take home the victory, they’re gonna need some miraculous plays, and not WAH-nes from a pair of teenage superheroes dressed like a ladybug and a black cat, may I add. In the meantime, the Spitballs had also had to replace Mr. Sonate with their second purple-shelled Koopa player, Koopade Gibson for pitching responsibilities! WAH-ne last homerun for the Luigi Knights proves to be futile, however, as thanks to Mr. Gibson’s formidable organization of the Waluigi Spitballs’ outfielders, the Spitballs managed to narrowly take home victory with a final score of 8-6!
Waluigi and his team rejoice in their hard-earned victory, while Luigi and his team are commended for being good sports, and everything went just as smoothly by the time every-WAH-ne left the stadium to go back home. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get a hold of either Waluigi or his green-clad rival for a post-game interview to get their thoughts on the game as a whole, but I understand, for our beloved menace in purple is a busy man, and so is his rival in green.
Whew, I haven’t had such an energy-consuming journalistic venture in all my twenty-five years of loving Waluigi… Though if it’s for the lanky man himself, I’d give any of my blood, sweat and tears to the journalistic field as needed. Either way, that’s about all the Waluigi-themed news for this month! This has been Wallace Ulysses, and by the time you check back with me in September, the New Wikisburg area will have given out their annual Mario, Fail and Community Awards, so I hope you have yourself a WAH-nderful time at the ceremonies!
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
Shogun Studios: Sounds Good on Paper
It is I, Cosmo, survivor of the awards. This month has been lots of fun and games, but I bring with me, as always, the most serious of travel guides I can muster. Which is not very serious. Anyway, I managed to find time in between my journey to the Karting Kontinent and the awards to scout out a new travel destination. So grab your hammer, find your origami and bomb companions, and let's head to Shogun Studios!
General Information
Shogun Studios is an amusement park downstream from Autumn Mountain. Established in 1986 by Amusemen T., it is famous for showcasing the historical period of Icouldn'tthinkofapun. The attractions have shifted over the years, but are unique from many other parks, due to a lack of modern technology. That means no rollercoasters for you!
The park was struck with controversy after a few visitors to the Dress-Up Photo Studio noticed strange, blue figures in their pictures. The species of these phantoms varied, being anything from a Toad to a Fuzzy. Distressingly, many of these figures were reported to look similar to recently deceased loved ones. The park was accused of fabricating these features to drum up popularity, which they claimed was false.
Despite the controversy, the park remained ever popular. Now it boasts a large number of highlight attractions, which we will be discussing today! So, now that you know a bit about this place, let's get going, shall we?
Practical Advice
Shogun Studios is brimming with all kinds of experiences, but before you get in, you'll have to pay for either a commoner or royalty pass. A commoner pass is affordable, but only allows one entry and exit per pay, while a royalty pass is unlimited. A commoner pass also bars access to certain park features. Maps are provided upon entry. Certain events are only held on select days, so remember to check ahead if you want to attend a festival or something.
Attractions
Okay, with that boring serious stuff out of the way, we can get back to the trademark humorous yet helpful guides you know me for. If you do visit Shogun Studios, it's easy to be overwhelmed by the many buildings. That's where I come in. I have crafted this guide to every attraction so you can make the most of your trip.
Information Center
Not really an attraction, but I should put this here somewhere…On second thought, this would have fit in practical advice…Oh well! Here you will find a center for information. WOW! Thrilling. If you lose your map you can find another here. If you lose something you can find another here. If you lose your companions you can find more here. You can tell I haven't stepped foot here, can't you.
Souvenir Shop
Oh look, the obligatory "Stuff you can buy" section. No intro, just enjoy the outrageous prices.
| Big Sho' Theater Replica | ||
|---|---|---|
|
This is a ridiculously detailed model with a full interior. Only problem is the price. WHO'S GONNA PAY THAT MUCH FOR A TWENTY CENTIMETRE TALL THEATER?!?! | |
| PRICE: | 12800 coins | |
| Fire Hammer | ||
|---|---|---|
|
Used widely by warriors during the icouldn'tthinkofapun period, this fire hammer is a genuine, authentic weapon. It sets things on fire. As suggested. These are terrible souvenirs! | |
| PRICE: | 640 coins | |
| Shiny Mushroom | ||
|---|---|---|
|
Oh joy. A mushroom. But it's shiny. Alright, I'll say it. This is the worst souvenir shop in the immediate area. Anyway, this mushroom is not worth the price. It's literally just a mushroom wrapped in tinfoil! | |
| PRICE: | 300 coins | |
Shuriken Dojo
Test your aim at the Shuriken Dojo, where sharp objects are the key to victory. Fling said sharp objects into targets to win prizes and obtain the admiration of your peers! Just remember: Other people's faces ARE NOT TARGETS!
Dress-Up Photo Studio
Ah, yes. The controversial attraction. Let's focus on the positive and not the haunted photos, shall we? Here you can dress up, as suggested by the name, and take photos, also suggested by the name. It's actually quite fun, and makes for a great souvenir. Just hope there aren't any mysterious blue figures in your final photo. For some reason, there was a Bob-omb on mine…I wonder who he was.
Lookout Tower
LOOKOUT! TOWER! This is another attraction that is kind of not an attraction. The view is stunning, the air is fresh, and the height is terrifying. Some people also find it funny to push people over the safety barriers, so enjoy the scenery at your own risk.
House of Riddles
This whole attraction is a riddle, honestly. People say that every time you enter, the puzzle inside is completely different. The way this place works is you enter in a small group or alone, where you will find a puzzle. These range from simple, to difficult, to doing taxes, to spending days journeying through a dungeon labyrinth. Fun.
House of Tricky Ninjas
Do you think you're cut out to be a ninja? Well, let's see. Here you will search for a whole bunch of Toads who are cut out to be ninjas. Get it? Cause they're cut outs? Never mind. This is a mostly safe adventure full of traps and stuff that are probably not approved, but they are fun!
Petting Zoo
This is not a petting zoo! This is a deathtrap! Who thought it would be a good idea to put a ten-ton Chain Chomp on the weakest chain known to man? AVOID THIS AT ALL COSTS!!! You know I'm serious because of the three exclamation points.
Tranquil Pipes Teahouse
Let's calm down for a bit…Take a deep breath and relax at the Tranquil Pipes Teahouse. A multitude of flavours to help you take a break from the stress of the outside world, and look inwards towards yourself. A truly enriching experience…AND BORING TOO! NEXT!
Big Sho' Theater
The star attraction of Shogun Studios, Big Sho' Theater has an impressive range of shows you can see, from ballet performances to street gang romance stories. The seats slowly rise through the theater, letting you see many different shows in quick succession. Additionally, they have recently started offering audience members the chance to perform as well, forging some great memories. Oh wait, I haven't made a joke yet…I need to fill my joke quota! Why did the Goomba cross the road?
Conclusion
Over already? Oh man…Well, as always, I hope you all hated this, and contact me on the forums if you want to suggest a location to cover or have some feedback. I don't know what that means, but I'm apparently meant to include it. Oh yeah, about the awards…I CAN'T BELIEVE ONLY FOUR OF YOU VOTED FOR ME!!! Well, to the four who did vote for me, you get a million Sunshine Points, free. (Don't worry, I'm kidding.) See you all next month, unless something bad happens to me in between now and then!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 221 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
