The 'Shroom:Issue 216/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! I feel like I might've had an idea for something witty and amusing to say here earlier, but if I did, I don't remember what it was anymore. Hm. That's anticlimactic.
We've got a couple of guest sections this month! ClawgripFan9001 is continuing the unofficial Year of Waluigi with a one-off Hot Records from the purple prodigy himself! Speaking of colors, I've written a News Flush about a little mixup between Yoshis on the racing circuit - that one may feel a little familiar to those of you who keep up with wiki happenings.
Plus, we have most of your usual Fake News favorites! Don't miss the thrilling continuation of Boo1268's multiversal adventures in The Spectral Lens and The Sorcery Show alongside Legend 8! Or maybe you're wondering about Cosmo's whereabouts in TheBlueCatMenace's The Sunshine Travel Guide? Well, we've got answers for that too! Plus all-new editions of Dry Dry Data, Mushroom Tribune, and more! Due to temporary budget cuts, Dear Waluigi Time is absent this month, but I'll be back to giving you very great advice soon.
Are you interested in joining Fake News? We'd love to have you! Our sign up page has all the information you need to get an application in, or if you'd rather write a volunteer one-off for sections like Hot Records, News Flush, or something else entirely, you can just send that directly to me privately. It's that easy! No waiting a week and no need to commit to writing anything else. Hope to hear from you soon!
Section of the Month
We've got a two-way tie for first between The Sunshine Travel Guide by TheBlueCatMenace, featuring Bar D. Joque's takeover of the section and information on Snowflake Lake, and The Spectral Lens by Boo1268, taking a deep dive into the sordid history of Plumpbelly Village! Not to be outdone, DryBonesBandit (talk)'s analysis of the Music Bash in Dry Dry Data comes in right behind them. Thank you for supporting our wonderful writers, and keep it up with your votes and Poochy's Picks nominations!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 8 | 18.18% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 1st | The Spectral Lens | 8 | 18.18% | Boo1268 |
| 3rd | Dry Dry Data | 7 | 15.91% | DryBonesBandit (talk) |
Written by: Walter G. Timeson (talk)
Yoshis Feeling Blue Over Racing Controversy
As the prestigious Mario Kart Racing Association gears up to begin another one of its tournaments, it has found itself in the middle of a controversy over an alleged mix-up in the records of its racers. Light-Blue Yoshi claims that records currently attributed to Blue Yoshi in 2001's Super Circuit tournament actually belong to him, and that Blue Yoshi never participated in that tournament.
Okay, so maybe this is going to sound a little petty, but I'm not just doing it so that it shows I won the Lightning Cup back in '01. This mix-up is ruining my kart racing career! I go to apply to enter the new tournament, right? And then I find out I don't have the seniority I should have because they're treating me like I was a newcomer in the extended run of Tournament VIII. And seniority? That's a big deal in getting into these things, we can't all ride on celebrity star power, you know! So even though I should have a record that goes back 24 years, I have less of a shot of getting into the new tournament than Honey Queen. That's just, that's just wrong! There's pictures of me racing in Super Circuit, come on! I'm very disappointed that the MKRA would let this happen and that Blue Yoshi hasn't done anything to try and fix this. Red Yoshi and Yellow Yoshi can back me up, they were there!
For his part, Blue Yoshi vehemently denied that there was any error in the racer records and reaffirmed his participation in the Super Circuit tournament.
What? No way, that was all me back in the Super Circuit! I still remember winning the Lightning Cup like it was yesterday! I'm not sure what's gotten into Light-Blue Yoshi, maybe he got hit with one too many shells on the course and it jostled his noggin around too much, I don't know. Sure, it kind of looks like him in some of those pictures, but that's just lighting. We race through a lot of different environments at high speeds, some pictures are gonna look weird!
When asked for comment, a representative of the Mario Kart Racing Association said that they were aware of the controversy and would be conducting a thorough investigation. They also tried to promote their new tournament, which this reporter felt was in somewhat poor taste. Among racing fans, the issue has taken on the form of a heated debate, with ardent supporters of both Yoshis each arguing their case. There have also been calls for whoever was lying to receive some sort of punishment, including suspension from participating in the next tournament and possibly even a lifetime ban.
The 'Shroom will continue to keep you updated as the controversy develops, as well as to cover everything you need to know about the upcoming Mario Kart tournament including why Donkey Kong's face looks like that now. This has been Walter G. Timeson reporting, and I am now out of time.
Written by: Boo1268
Shoveling Up Some History on the King of Cards
A note has been attached to these papers-
Please send this paper to The ‘Shroom Headquarters located in New Wikisburg on 1-65 Mushroom Boulevard NE -Boo1268 The Fancy Phantom.
Hello, readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. This month, my friends, I have appeared to have found myself in a bit of a pickle. For you see, some time ago I had found myself being sucked through an interdimensional portal after having investigated some shady happenings involving the EGU, which reminds me I should really tell Shoey and Hooded Pitohui all about their shady experiments when I get back. But AHEM, getting back on track, I had soon found myself asking for Pyro’s assistance, which ultimately ended in me getting stranded in a place simply known as the Valley.
This place is filled to the brim with strange and unusual creatures. After wandering around for some time completely lost and alone, I had soon found myself being ambushed by a slew of strange slime-like creatures. At first, I thought I was done for! But thankfully, a shovel-wielding hero by the name of Shovel Knight came to my aid. After settling down for the night at his campsite, I told him my tale of how I got here. Thankfully, being the kind individual he was, he directed me towards a small village located close by. So I arrived at the town and accidentally scared all the townspeople simply because they thought I was something called an Invisishade? Thankfully I was able to calm the townsfolk down after I explained who and what I really was and soon found myself a place to temporarily stay. However, after some time I began to find myself becoming bored. Thankfully, fortune smiled upon my face and I had soon discovered the simple game of Joustus, a fun card game that was not only challenging, but also had a deep history behind it. And after that, I knew what I would do to spend my time here. My historian itch waiting to be satiated, I soon grabbed a deck of cards, purchased a stack of quills and a good set of quality papers, and started to dig up the history behind these decks of cards. So without further ado, let us begin, shall we?
The history of Joustus actually goes back a long time ago, originating from distant lands. But it only really started to pick up steam when travelers from far and wide would come to see a gigantic hole filled with treasures called The Well, and as a result, they would exchange stories, food, culture, and even games, one of the most prominent being a game called Joustus which involved coins, cards, and plenty of strategy. In fact, the game was so fun yet complex many would give themselves the title of Joustus champions. One of the most famous ones for a time was the kind yet charismatic Duelist Di. In fact, I had the personal honor of meeting Miss Di at one of the new Joustus houses. For you see, she was there when Joustus started to become popular, and was the first of many Joustus champions across the Valley region who become well versed in the game, So much so that an adventure named Cooper had hired Miss Di to play for them and traverse around the land in their personal airship the Gildewing, defeating Joustus players left and right. For you see, it isn’t enough to simply play the game of Joustus. No, to become a Joustus champion, you must be a warrior on the board and a warrior on the battlefield. For you see, only the best Joustus champions are able to survive the perilous challenges that come their way, whether it be through card combat or real combat in a quest to defend their title. But unfortunately, seeing as how Miss Di is now a ghost, you can definitely see the consequences of such a title. However, despite all the trials and tribulations Joustus champions faced, the game would only continue to rise in popularity as the years went on, ultimately to the point where specially built buildings called the Houses of Joustus were made to house the game and all its compatriots. However, with no one to seemingly enforce the rules of Joustus, the game was quickly overrun with illegal card sellers and cheaters of many wide varieties. Eventually, it was decided that something must be done to enforce the rules of the game or else it would eventually become a crazed and unbalanced mess. As a result, the Joustus Judges were formed to oversee the game and all its rules to ensure that all would play fairly and that no cheating of any kind would occur within said Joustus Houses, and finally to spread joy to all across the valley.
As the game of Joustus continued to grow, so did word of a supposed grand tournament and the title of the King of Cards. For you see, a competition was soon started after the creation of the Joustus Houses and the titles of the Joustus Judges were instituted. It was said that whoever defeated all three Joustus Judges would claim the title of the King of Cards crown and a vast amount of treasure as well. After word of the tournament spread, the kingdom seemingly went into a Joustus frenzy, becoming even more popular than ever before. Suddenly, Joustus cards were being purchased left and right, players were honing their skills day and night just to have a shot at acquiring the title of the King of Cards, but none ever came close. That was until a self-proclaimed king would rise the ranks and not only defeat all three Joustus Judges, but also gather a mass following of companions and supporters from all across the valley, until eventually he gained the title as the TRUE King of Cards! Alongside also discovering a secret plot by a foul fiend known as The Enchantress to distance the rulers of their sections of the kingdom in order to take it by force. However, the new King of Cards, also known as King Knight, wouldn't stand for such treachery, and as such, after returning to the Tower of Fate, a fearsome battle would ensue, with the tragic end result being that King Knight willingly betrayed his friends and supporters to not only rule over King Pridemoor’s land, but also to keep his title as the King of Cards, so much so that King Knight would order for the destruction of ALL Joustus cards and all the houses of Joustus by proxy. In the end, the game that had brought much joy to the kingdom served as a reminder of the tragedy that would soon follow.
Much time would pass, and as the Enchantress and her devious Order of No Quarter ruled over the land, a blue-clad knight would rise to the occasion and single-handedly defeat the Order of No Quarter, destroy the Enchantress, and save the Valley from its pain and misery. And as such, as the Valley began to heal from the Enchantress and her influence as such, the simple card game had found itself once again coming back into the public eye, at first being rejected by most people. To many, the game had served as a grim reminder of the suffering their world had to endure, but slowly but surely, over time the card game would not only be revamped but also become as popular as it once was before, even so much as to now have rare and shiny cards implemented into the game. Eventually, the simple game that would have been known for tragedy would now be known for what it was originally meant to be, a way to spread joy and happiness among the people of the Valley. So remember, dear readers, even in the darkest times in our lives, sometimes all we need is a little bit of fun and games to lift our spirits and eventually find the path to a better life than what was before. So never give up dear readers, and always hold out a bit of hope.
And so, with that, our story ends. I hope you all enjoy this issue of The Spectral Lens, and thank you all for helping me choose which portal to go through. If it weren't for you, I would have never discovered this wonderful card game and this wonderful place. Wish me luck friends, ‘cause my current predicament isn't a favorable one, however I won't give up hope that my friends will find me. But that is for another time. It was truly a pleasure to finally cover this game series, especially since I love the Shovel Knight games, and if you have any suggestions for what I should look into next time, make sure to check out my official forum page. I'm always willing to shovel up some info on what you chaps suggest! So don't be afraid to give me suggestions. Also, a very special shout out to Discorder of No Quarter for helping with all the research for this topic. And with that, I say: Merci, au revoir and STEEL THY SHOVEL!
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
Yar, do that be yer face, or did Davy Jones teach ye the combination ta ‘is locker? Yar, har, har, har! Don’t worry, mateys! I’m just messin’ with ye! Welcome ta ‘nother edition o’ the Cookin’ Guide, where I be teachin’ ye everythin’ ye need ta know ta make the Mushroom World’s finest cuisine! Springtime be comin’ fer those livin’ on the Northern ‘Emisphere o’ the real world, an’ when it comes ta springtime, me culinary conk be screamin’ ‘bout fish, so that’s why we’ll be learnin’ ‘ow ta make a dish centered ‘round fish in t’day’s Cookin’ Guide! An’ what better chef ta visit fer the ins an’ outs on preparin’ seafood than Toad Town’s very own Tayce T?! ‘Sides, I ‘eard that Zess T were unavailable t’day ‘cause she be tapin’ a new season o’ Underwhere’s Kitchen in Mushroom City right now.
Heading through the door of Tayce T’s residence, ClawgripFan9001 was immediately greeted by the Toad chef’s friendly face. “Yar, thanks fer ‘avin’ me o’er, Mrs. Tayce T! An’ o’ course fer takin’ the time outta yer busy schedule ta ‘elp me teach the readers o’ The ‘Shroom ‘ow ta make this dish I was plannin’ ta cover fer the March issue fer this year!” The Sidestepper grinned and closed the door behind him.
“You’re welcome, ClawgripFan! You wouldn’t find a better place in the Mushroom Kingdom than here in Toad Town to learn how to make seafood-based dishes! So, you said that the dish you wanted to cover was Cheep Nuggets, right?” Tayce T asked ClawgripFan9001 to make sure she understood where the Sidestepper was going with things.
“Aye, that be correct! I assume that ye managed ta gather all the ingredients an’ equipment needed fer this dish?” ClawgripFan9001 inquired in response, raising a curious eyebrow.
“Oh, good! Yes, I did gather everything needed for preparing that exact dish, so I’m glad I understood the assignment! Now, come on, let’s head over to the kitchen and get cooking, shall we?” Tayce T smiled brightly as she headed into the kitchen with ClawgripFan9001 in tow.
“Yar, I’ll be sittin’ ‘ere, takin’ notes fer me section, so just tell me everythin’ I need ta know at yer own pace.” ClawgripFan9001 informed Tayce T as he reached for his trusty notepad and pencil, ready to write everything down.
“Certainly, dear. So, for making Cheep Nuggets, you need about a pound of skinless and boneless Cheep Cheep meat, breadcrumbs, flour, one egg, mustard, one lemon, vegetable oil and salt and pepper for ingredients.” Tayce T began to instruct ClawgripFan9001, who nodded as he wrote these instructions down on his notepad.
“Aye, go on.” ClawgripFan9001 replied, paying careful attention to Tayce T’s instructions.
“So the first thing you do is, if you haven’t already done so, remove the skin and bones from the Cheep Cheep meat and pat it dry using a paper towel.” Tayce T continued to explain as ClawgripFan9001 wrote this down.
“That be makin’ sense, aye.” ClawgripFan9001 commented to let the Toad chef know he was paying attention to what she was saying.
“Next, cut the Cheep Cheep meat into chunks approximately an inch/two-and-a-half centimeters thick and pat dry the meat again when needed.” Tayce T explained as she proceeded to use a medium-sized kitchen knife to cut the meat.
ClawgripFan9001 continued to diligently write all of this down on his notepad. “Yar, slowly but surely, this dish be startin’ ta take shape.” The Sidestepper remarked with a calm grin on his face.
“That it is, darling. Now to move on to the next step of the cooking instructions, take a non-stick frying pan and gently heat up the oil inside, but make sure you don’t let it burn. Pour the breadcrumbs into the pan and stir them up to make sure they’re all evenly coated in the oil. Lower the heat and gently fry the breadcrumbs while stirring them the whole time until they’re golden brown. Once that happens, transfer them over to a bowl and set them aside so that you can let them cool off for the time being.” Tayce T continued to teach ClawgripFan9001, carrying out each of these steps as she did so.
“I think it’s needless ta say that the breadcrumbs be what gives the nuggets their crispy coatin’ an’ texture?” ClawgripFan9001 inquired as he wrote down what Tayce T just told him.
“Correct! Now, while you let the breadcrumbs cool, preheat the oven to a temperature of four-hundred-and-seventy-five degrees Fahrenheit/two-hundred-and-forty degrees Celsius/gas mark nine and season the fish pieces with salt and pepper on both sides, then coat in the flour.” Tayce T affirmed the Sidestepper’s inquiry before continuing to carry out the cooking instructions she mentioned.
“Aye, that be mighty clever, if I do say so meself, yar, har, har.” ClawgripFan9001 chuckled as he scribbled away on his notepad while acknowledging the basic yet effective way of giving the nuggets their trademark crispy flavor.
“I agree! Simple as it may be, it’s still the most fruitful manner of ensuring the dish gets the greatest amount of taste!” Tayce T chimed in before moving on. “Next thing’s next, you take a shallow bowl, crack open the egg and then beat the yolk, mixing it with the mustard and lemon zest using a fork until it forms a smooth texture. You then dip in each chunk of fish gently, wiping excess egg on the side of the bowl as you do so.”
“Yar, I oughta keep the notes I’m takin’ ‘ere once I’ve finished usin’ ‘em fer me Cookin’ Guide duties. I’m sure they’d come in ‘andy fer preparin’ this dish in the caboose back on me ship when I go back out ta sea with me crew sometime.” ClawgripFan9001 stated as he continued to take the notes.
“Feel free to use any recipes you learn from me for your Cooking Guide section in your own kitchen, dear! That’s what they’re for!” Tayce T assured the Sidestepper with a bright smile as she went along with the rest of the cooking steps. “So once you’ve taken care of the previous steps, you coat each individual piece of fish with the crumb mixture lightly for even coverage.” She explained to the crustacean while she did so.
“Thanks, ma’am! I be glad ta ‘ear that!” ClawgripFan9001 gratefully told Tayce T as he was once again copying down the Toad chef’s instructions onto his notepad. “You’re always welcome, sweetheart! So, after you’ve taken care of the previous step, it’s time to grease the oven rack lightly so that the Cheep Nuggets don’t stick to it, and you arrange the pieces on top of the oven rack in a way that none of the pieces touch one another before baking them in the oven for a good twelve minutes, though you’re free to bake them a minute or two less if your fish pieces aren’t too thick.” Tayce T acknowledged ClawgripFan9001’s gratitude while explaining the final phase of the cooking instructions to him.
“Ahoy, that should wrap things up neatly!” ClawgripFan9001 grinned as he finished writing everything down before tucking his notepad and pencil away.
“Yes, it does! Because now, all that’s left for you to do is remove the newly baked Cheep Nuggets from the oven and serve them immediately!” Tayce T warmly smiled as she soon removed the Cheep Nuggets from the oven and proceeded to put them into a paper container similar to the one used at fast food restaurants.
“Great! Now lemme ‘ave a taste o’ this ‘ere dish…” ClawgripFan9001 stated as he proceeded to pick a Cheep Nugget out of the container, put it in his mouth and began nibbling on it. Humming in delight, the Sidestepper grinned and gave a thumbs up, approving of the taste of the dish. “Argh, bless me bayhold! This be an amazin’ dish!” He exclaimed with glee.
Tayce T blushed upon receiving this praise from the crustacean. “Thank you, dear. I was happy to have been of assistance in teaching your faithful readers how to make this dish.”
“Aye, an’ it were me pleasure ta ‘ave stopped by fer all o’ this too!” ClawgripFan9001 responded with a friendly grin.
Yar, so this be everythin’ ye need ta know ‘bout preparin’ Cheep Nuggets!
Ingredients
- A pound o’ Cheep Cheep meat (Skinless an’ boneless)
- Breadcrumbs (Fer creatin’ the crispy coatin’ on the nuggets)
- Flour
- An egg
- Mustard
- A lemon
- Vegetable oil
- Salt
- Pepper
Appliances
- A medium sized shallow bowl fer makin’ the egg mixture
- Two bowls/large plates fer the flour an’ breadcrumbs
- A large non-stick fryin’ pan fer toastin’ the breadcrumbs
- A large oven rack fer bakin’ the Cheep Nuggets
Instructions
- Remove the skin an’ bones from the Cheep Cheep meat if ye ‘aven’t already an’ pat dry the meat usin’ a paper towel.
- Cut the Cheep Cheep meat into chunks ‘proximately an inch/two-an’-a-’alf centimeters thick an’ pat dry the meat again if ye need ta.
- Take yer non-stick fryin’ pan an’ gently ‘eat up the oil inside, but be sure ye don’t burn it.
- Pour the breadcrumbs into the pan an’ stir ‘em up ‘till they’re all evenly coated in oil. Ye may then gently lower the ‘eat an’ gently fry the crumbs ‘til they’re all golden brown. From there, ye put the crumbs in a bowl an’ set ‘em aside fer the time bein’ ta let ‘em cool off.
- While the breadcrumbs cool, preheat the oven up ta four-’undred-an’-seventy-five degrees Fahrenheit/two-’undred-an’-forty degrees Celsius/gas mark nine, then season the fish pieces on both sides with salt an’ pepper before coatin’ in the flour.
- Grab yer shallow bowl, crack open the egg inside, then beat the yolk while mixin’ it with the mustard an’ the zest from the lemon usin’ a fork ‘til it forms a smooth texture. Gently dip each fish piece into the mixture while ye wipe excess egg on the side o’ the bowl.
- Coat each individual fish piece with the crumb mixture in a light manner fer even coverage.
- Lightly grease the oven rack so the Cheep Nuggets don’t stick ta it, then arrange ‘em in a way none of ‘em end up touchin’ each other, then bake ‘em fer twelve minutes, but if yer pieces ain’t too thick, ye can take ‘bout one or two minutes off the bakin’ time.
Har har, now that be a fish-based dish ye can submerge yer teeth in, don’t it, mateys? ‘Opefully it’ll make fer a nice snack if ye ‘appen ta be ‘eadin’ out ta any parties or social gatherings with yer buddies durin’ the upcomin’ spring season. Fer now though, I think we should call it a day, an’ if there be anyone left readin’, I’ll see ye next time on the Cookin’ Guide!
Dry Dry Data
Written by: DryBonesBandit (talk)
It looks like that time of the month again! Welcome to Dry Dry Data, my admittedly small portion of the ‘Shroom. As always, I’m DryBonesBandit, and today we’re taking a trip to Desert Hill to study a rare variety of Goomba, the Pile Driver Micro-Goomba (shiitakis miniatura). As always, with nothing important to note, let’s dive in.
The Adventure
At the suggestion of a fellow writer, I decided to travel to the Koopahari Desert (a.k.a. Desert Hill, a.k.a. Desert Land) in order to figure out what is up with these fellows. Instantly after hitting the ground, I ended up in conflict with some Fire Snakes nearby (flamma anguis) and had to run. Reaching a large pile of non-flammable bricks, I mourned the loss of my tie when suddenly, the block I was on began to move. I was thrown to the ground, and turned around to see a group of brick blocks sprout feet! They all sprang at me at once, and there was nothing I could do… except that I moved a few feet and they all collided midair, causing their blocks to shatter. Surprised to see a Goomba specimen beneath the brick, I put one in a jar (with air holes) and took it home with me. Everyone say hi to Goombert!
The Analysis
So, you may be thinking these are just normal Mini Goombas, right? Wrong! See, there are many types of Mini Goomba; the common brown variety are actually just young Goombas, and the less common yellow variety are a different type of Goomba. But, Pile Driver Micro-Goombas are also different in that they stay small. Due to their small size and heated environment, these tan Goombas make holes in brick blocks to stay in the shade and have defense.
Now, as for what they do. Naturally, for any creature disguised as one, they live in areas filled with brick blocks. They are surprisingly vegetarian and hate conflict; they will eat any plants in sight if they find it delicious. If they are forced into a fight, they will hop toward their foes and hope to bludgeon them with their rocky exterior. If you’re their enemy, you’ll want to go for the top of their brick block barriers; the holes they make on the bottom make the top fragile. Pile Driver Micro-Goombas love to polish the bricks in their environment but absolutely hate others touching their homes; as a result, one can easily tell apart which blocks are secret Goombas and which aren't by their shine.
The end
Remember, leave me a suggestion on my talk page or on the Mario Boards!
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Vault Guard Arrested on Charges of Cowardice
After months of speculation and rumors of a commissioned secret investigation into a castle security matter, Mushroom Castle officials have announced that, in an unprecedented move, a guard of the Mushroom Kingdom Vault whose identity has so far remained anonymous has been brought up on charges of abandoning his post during the assault on the castle by Smithy Gang General Claymorton and his Shymore army.
Officials claim that, instead of fulfilling his duty and guarding the vast Mushroom Treasury during the assault on the castle, the Vault Guard instead fled at the first sign of trouble, making no attempts to defend either the treasury or the castle's occupants from the invaders. The guard's actions left the vast Mushroom Kingdom treasury, containing not only the royal family's greatest treasure, but a large amount of the kingdom's reserve currency, completely unguarded!
It had been rumored that his Majesty the Mushroom King, after yet another disastrous invasion where an invading army occupied the castle with little resistance, had ordered the Chancellor and Mushroom Castle officials to launch a full investigation into the castle's defenses on the night of Claymorton's invasion. The rumors have prompted speculation that, for the first time in modern history, the law of cowardice, which had been on the books but never enforced, might be applied to soldiers who were found to have abandoned their posts in the face of the invaders. The charges brought up by Mushroom Castle officials appear to confirm these rumors.
In an official statement, the Chancellor's office explained his reasoning for bringing the charges:
While we understand that the night of Claymorton's invasion was a stressful one and we acknowledge that the Vault Guard was outnumbered by Claymorton's forces, we feel that his actions were not only a disgrace to his duty as Vault Guard, but were in fact a complete dereliction of said duty. A highly-trained soldier in charge of one of the kingdom's most sensitive posts, the protection of the Mushroom Castle Treasury, not only abandoned his post but ran off and hid, leaving the treasury completely unguarded. If not for the timely intervention of Mario and Mallow, who arrived in the nick of time to send Claymorton and his forces packing, the Mushroom Kingdom Treasury could have ended up the in the hands of Smithy, providing what would have been a substantial financial boon to his war efforts. Because of this and because of the Vault Guard's frankly inexcusable act of cowardice, we feel we have no choice but to regrettably prosecute him to the full extent of the law on charges of cowardice.
The announcement of said charges and the first attempts to apply them in the modern age sent shockwaves throughout not only the legal world, but throughout the rest of the kingdom as well. Many have expressed support for the charges, hoping that the use of said charges will bring discipline to an army that has grown too used to cutting and running whenever things get tough. But others have argued that the Vault Guard is being unfairly scapegoated so that both the Chancellor and Mushroom Castle officials can deflect on what was yet another Mushroom Castle security failure.
One of those supporters is one of the kingdom's top lawyers, Spindel of the kingdom's top defense firm Phanto, Spindel, and Toady, who, much to the surprise of many, agreed to represent the Vault Guard pro bono on humanitarian grounds. In defense of his client, Spindel provided the Mushroom Tribune with the following statement:
The charges brought against my client are an outrageous case of deflection. It is an attempt by this Government to cover up yet another failure. We plan to prove that not only were my client's actions on the night in question the right thing to do, but that they were the only correct thing to do given the situation! On the night in question, my client was dutifully performing his watch guarding the vault when, suddenly, the castle came under attack! My client was, I will remind you, a single guard who was provided with no information as to what was going on. All he heard was a large commotion from the upstairs of the castle. Castle officials made no attempt to either inform my client of what was going on nor reinforce his position. When the Shymores reached the downstairs, my client was cut off from any communication with any castle officials. He had no way of knowing what the situation was in the rest of the castle. Rather than single-handedly defend an isolated position in a castle that, for all he knew, was completely overrun, my client bravely attempted to link up with officials on the first floor of the castle. From there, outnumbered and unprepared to face such an overwhelming force, he was forced to flee into the Princess' chambers after being surrounded by Shymores who had completely overrun whatever castle defenses there were. We fully intend to prove that my client's so-called cowardice was nothing more than his attempt to overcome the total defense failures caused by the Mushroom Castle officials' inability to properly allocate resources to defend against potential threats.
For their opinion on these controversial charges, we've solicited the opinions of longtime columnists Hooded Pitohui, Adjutant General of the Rose Town Reserve force, and retired Peach Field Castle Steward Shoey.
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When I first read that the Chancellor was bringing up the Vault Guard on charges for abandoning his post, I won't lie, Hood; I thought "finally, it's about time one of these soldiers faced consequences for abandoning his post when the kingdom needed him the most". I felt this especially considering this is a seasoned soldier in charge of protecting a part of the kingdom as important as the Mushroom Treasury. But the more I examined the situation, I found, much to my surprise, that I actually agree with that bleeding heart Spindel. When you look at the facts of the situation, the idea that that Vault Guard is the sole soldier being brought up on charges is absurd. Should he have abandoned his post? Probably not. Although, in fairness, I don't know what I would have done in his situation if I was totally cut off from any reinforcements and facing off against up to a dozen hostile combatants. |
| But even with that, what we have is once again a complete failure on the part of this administration to protect this kingdom! After all, according to reports, the Chancellor and the castle's attendants had been tipped off by Mario that a giant metal sword had fallen from the sky and scattered Princess Peach, Mario, and Bowser. You're telling me that, after hearing this, they didn't beef up security??? Now, the Steward of the Mushroom Castle has attempted to defend what happened that night by claiming that they had to divert forces from the castle's security when they sent an emergency relief unit to look for the missing Princess Peach. But again, despite knowing that there was a potential hostile force powerful enough to command a giant sword to fall from the sky, the castle was again caught completely unprepared. And it's just sticking in my craw that, after yet another security meltdown, the only person to face any consequences is a single soldier who, if what Spindel says is true, was given no chance to succeed in his mission to protect the Vault in the first place. How is it a single soldier can face jail time for his failures while there hasn't even been a single castle official - the people in charge of administrating the defense of the castle - being given even the slightest consequence for their role in this catastrophe? I have to be honest, as much as it pains me to admit it, it's really looking like these charges are at minimum an attempt to deflect criticism over what appears to be a colossal failure, if not a full on scapegoating! | |
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I can't believe this change in tune, Shoe. For years you and I were in lockstep on the need for serious reform in this kingdom's military, and now that the Chancellor and Mushroom Castle officials are finally making an attempt to inject some accountability into our forces, you turn around and scream "scapegoat". A senior, experienced soldier entrusted with a position as important - and, to say what everyone is thinking, as cushy - as guarding the Mushroom Vault cannot be allowed to get away with unjustifiably abandoning his post without consequence. |
| Spindel alleges that the Vault Guard had no choice but to abandon his post because he was surrounded by around a dozen Shymores, hm? That's very evocative imagery, I grant that. Of course anyone would be swayed to support a brave warrior narrowly escaping the clutches of numerically-superior enemy forces employing complex tactics, mhm. So I guess it's a good thing that's not at all what happened. I think Spindel is counting on the public imagining Shy Guys to sell his little novelization of that night, knowing the general public has more familiarity with Shy Guys than Shymores. Well, let me tell you, these Shymores are not Shy Guys. While Shy Guys are capable of pulling off complex operations and train in so many special ops tactics we have trouble keeping up with them, Shymores are artificial creations restricted to the threatening combat mode that is... hopping on a pogo stick. Had the Vault Guard even attempted to employ basic training like sweeping the legs - or in this case the pogo sticks - out from under an enemy, he could have easily disrupted the Shymores converging on him and held them at bay until Mario and Mallow arrived at the castle. Spindel weaves a story befitting the silver screen, but it's simply not rooted in truth and, in fact, the Vault Guard did not do even the bare minimum expected of his status as a soldier. | |
| Now, as for the allegations that the Vault Guard is being unfairly targeted while other soldiers are being let off without consequences, that ignores a fundamental difference in the Vault Guard's duties compared to other Mushroom Castle guards. While I won't dispute that there were severe security failures and all of the castle's soldiers could and should have done more, the plan handed down by Mushroom Castle officials for a typical guard is a plan of defense in depth. If one position is breached, the guards of the Mushroom Castle are to fall back to more defensible positions, with the greatest priority placed on the rooms and offices of our heads of state and heads of government. Those soldiers did precisely what they were told to do, falling back to defend the Princess' room to ensure she would remain protected and facilitate an escape as necessary (notwithstanding the Princess' absence at the time). The Vault Guard, on the other hand, is expected and ordered to remain at their assigned post and defend it even at risk of capture or worse. Other soldiers guard our high officials; the Vault Guard guards the vault. He failed to carry out the highest order of his position, and the Chancellor is right to prosecute him for his cowardice. I can only hope this might light a fire under our soldiers and finally inspire some genuine reform in Mushroom Castle security. |
Written by: Wallace Ulysses
Greetings and WAH-lutations, fellow Waluigi connoisseurs! It is I, the founder and first and currently only President of the Mushroom World’s very own Waluigi Fan Club, Wallace Ulysses! After initiating the unofficial Year of Waluigi in honor of our favorite purple troublemaker’s twenty-fifth anniversary in last month’s issue of The ‘Shroom, I have been faithfully monitoring the waves of the Mushroom World’s internet for any news on Waluigi-based productions to report to all you ‘Shroom readers who happen to be into Waluigi as much as I am! Now just last night, I was given a tip-off from a contact within Jazzafrazz Town-based record label Daffodil that the label has been collaborating with Waluigi and his new musical colleague Chicory Lotus on releasing a debut album featuring songs recorded by Waluigi and Chicory Lotus under their musical duo name Pet Cheat Boys, and I was promptly mailed the names of the songs featured on the album along with the album cover, so allow me to present it to you right here and now!
WAH-ctually
Artist: Pet Cheat Boys
Music Genre: Synth pop
Date of Release: September 2025
Track Listing
Side One
- WAH-n More Chance
- WAH-t Have I Done To Deserve This? (Duet with Daisy Sarasafield)
- Bob-ombing
- Rose
- Billing Bullets
Side Two
- It Couldn’t Have Been A Purple Rabbit
- It’s A Win (But An Unfair One)
- I WAH-nt To Wake Up
- Pure Heart
- King Grambi’s Cross
Album Cover
This album cover featuring Waluigi yawning and Chicory Lotus scowling in front of a plain white background, shot and edited by Waluigi Time in cooperation with Claw Gripstofferson was chosen to become the final album cover for the WAH-ctually album, though Chicory Lotus has been said to be unhappy with the cover, and remains unhappy as of writing this article, though Daffodil has deemed the cover to be the defining image of the Pet Cheat Boys as a musical duo.
My contact within Daffodil was unfortunately unable to send me any audio files of the tracks listed on the album, so I’m afraid we won’t be blessed with Waluigi’s beautiful singing voice until the WAH-ctually album releases later this year in September. I know, it’s a tragedy, but when it comes to anything Waluigi, you can bet your boots that it will be worth the wait. And when it does release, buy the album physically from the Mushroom World’s record stores, or buy it digitally from iceTunes to support Waluigi and his circle of musicians who helped to make this album possible. This is all the Waluigi-themed news I was able to get my hands on for this month, so check in with me, Wallace Ulysses next month, and then we’re gonna be looking at more Waluigi-themed news as the unofficial Year of Waluigi goes on!
Written by: Legend 8 and Boo1268
The Sorcery Show
Episode 14+: Multiversal Madness
Part 2
It is a rather sad day in the Mushroom Kingdom. Our heroes are sitting at a table in the Lich Yard Mansion, which feels so empty without Boo1268 there, and are currently explaining what happened at Pyro's castle to the Fancy Phantom's skeletal companion, the Specture Striker. While the black-robed Magikoopa himself and Kroop, the flaming petrified Koopa skull, tell the story guiltily over and over again, Specture becomes more and more nervous and worried about the fate of his friend.
Specture: Alright, explain ONCE MORE what happened..!
Pyro: Yeah uh as I said, the portal kind of went boom and then he was gone, but not, like, immediately GONE gone, like, he was sucked in, all dramatic and stuff, and…
Kroop: What Pyro's trying to say is, the portal somehow went crazy and imploded, pulling Boo inside it. And now we've got a yard full of portals - and your yard is missing its owner.
Specture clearly has a mixed look of worry, anger and disappointment on his face as he replies.
Specture: So you mean to tell me that Boo is not only alone in an unknown world by HIMSELF, but also he seemingly has NO WAY of getting back, and the worst part is, YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO GRAB HIM BEFORE HE FELL IN!?!?!
Pyro: Wait a minute, we DID try to grab him! But… everything happened so fast and we didn't really stand a chance against the pull of the portal! Also, I thought getting him back was gonna be easy, plot armor and everything, but… Yeah, well, it kind of didn't work.
Specture: YEAH YA THINK!?! NOW MY ONLY FRIEND IS LOST IN WHO KNOWS WHERE AND A-AND AHHHHHGH!
Suddenly, Specture summons his scythe and cuts a table clean in half to let out his frustration, clearly, the worry for his friend shows. Pyro repairs the table with a snap of his fingers.
Kroop: Hey there, please relax. I don't know if you really got to know Pyro, but in the end, it usually works out… Well, one way or another… But since we all miss Boo, we should start thinking about how to get him back! Also, by the way, he's not your only friend…
Specture slowly begins to calm down and is able to gather his thoughts, realizing what Kroop says is right.
Specture: Y-Yeah you're right, I-I'm sorry, I'm just really worried about him, he's my best friend and I just want to make sure that he's okay, but if there's one thing I know about him, it's that he's determined, so I think he'll stick it through. Sorry for yelling at you guys.
All of a sudden, the bodiless voice of the Explainer manifests in the room.
It's fine, everybody has a breakdown sometime. So as far as I know, he's in some random dimension unknown to us right now, and we have to find the correct one he is in, from the bazillions of dimensions there are. Is that right?
Pyro: Exactly, my dear Explainer, exactly. Now would you please stop being pessimistic, Explainer, and you, Specture, stop being depressing, and contribute to our thinking?
Specture: Yeah, you're right! Enough moping around, let's get to work. So what do we know so far?
Pyro: I think I still have the portal blueprints somewhere in my hat… And I might still have access to the frequency…
Kroop: Uh, Pyro, if you wanted to make a portal to follow him, we could just as well use the ones in our theater. Which is an OVERALL bad idea.
Specture: Well we COULD check them all but that would be a waste of time.
Yes, it would. According to my calculations…
Pyro: OK I GET IT, we need to find another way…
Kroop: How about you use your powers to locate him? Would that be possible?
Pyro: Uh, it depends…
Specture: Depends on what?
Pyro: Damn, why did you ask me that, how should I know?! Anyways, I tried it, doesn't work.
Specture: Wait, I have an idea!
Specture jumps towards the bookshelf and grabs a small blue book out of it.
Specture: There's a relatively unknown spell that I think can help us out, here, it's called Item Locate and it's in this book!
Pyro: Ooh, well THAT would be an entirely different thing, let me see. So... it's an arcane spell, but I should be able to cast it antilogically. Although, I would need a piece of the item in question.
Specture: I think I know what we can use!
Specture pulls out a spindle of red string from one of his cloak pockets.
Specture: This spindle contains the same type of string used to repair Boo's hat, he uses this brand EVERY time! He says it's both sturdy and stylish, so if we use this we can locate Boo's hat! And if we find Boo's hat…
Kroop: …we find Boo! Now that's a good plan. Although, is it guaranteed that he has his hat with him? I remember a time when our good friend Pyro here, who also never goes anywhere without his hat, spent a few weeks without it by accident…
Specture: Trust me Kroop, Boo protects that hat with his LIFE…. Or rather his afterlife, but still!
Hey, Pyro, now THAT'S something you should really learn from him! Don't want a situation like that ever again, to be honest.
Specture: But anyhow, if we use the spell we can locate not only what dimension Boo is in, but also WHERE in said dimension he is!
Pyro: Already on it! Uhuhhh.. uh… okay… is it normal that I'm hallucinating?... uhuh… this looks like one of my usual dreams… pretty strange… okay, I think it ended. Get ready, I'm going to project what I saw!
Pyro raises his hands, and suddenly an image of what appears to be some kind of plains flashes forth, showing off a display of colorful and crazy creatures such as slimes, mini dragons, giant insects, big dragons that blow bubbles and lots of dirt. Then, on the outskirts of this plains area, resides a village. Then, suddenly, the projection ends.
Kroop: Huh, where's Boo? I didn't see him at all!
Did any of you recognize that universe?
Specture: Nope not at all but hey! At the very least we know what it looks like, and we have an idea how to find it, since the locate item spell is just like how you have an app to help you find a lost pair of keys. Now we can travel to said location!
Pyro: Already one step ahead and ready!
Pyro vanishes in a flash of orange light.
Kroop: Pyro!!!!!!
Pyro reappears with an "oops, sorry", and then orange light flashes again, this time taking the entire party with it.
The heroes reappear in Pyro's old stone theater, where the abundance of portals are located around the grim scene of the broken portal frame, still standing in the middle of the stage where it had once been.
Specture: Ugh that felt weird, never been teleported before. But then again, first time for everything right?
Pyro: Yeah, sorry, you'll get used to it over time. Hmmm… well, if you wanted someone to tell you more about teleportation, I could surely make your scythe sentient or something-
Kroop: …or he could just ask us, Pyro. I know it probably doesn't really apply to your codex or something, but try some reasonable thinking for once! Please, it's important, 'cause we need you to find which portal is the right one now!!
Pyro: UUUGGGHHH, reallyyyyy?!?
Not necessarily! I could try to analyse the portals via my explaining skills?
Pyro: Phew, thanks. Go on!
Alright, then let me explain. Since we're using the Locate Item spell, we can pinpoint which portal to go through, so in that case, it's not the portal with all the robots, and it isn't the portal with all the ink coming out of it, and… I think it WOULD be the portal with all those luscious green hills and loopty loops - yes, I think in fact it's this one.
A projectal hand manifests itself, pointing to one of the portals on the far edge of the theater.
Kroop: Yeah, that does kind of resemble the stuff we saw in your vision, Pyro.
Should we just enter it or could you maybe stabilize it before, or something?
Kroop: Uh, NO, I don't think you would really want him to "stabilize" it… So, now normally I'm not that much of a no-thinking adventurous guy, but I think right now our best way is straightforward and in. Whadda you say Specture?
Specture: I agree with Kroop, seeing as how you guys described how Boo went in and was completely fine, I think we might be clear to go in. So let's get going!
Uh, DO we actually know if Boo's fine?
Pyro: Please, stop it, Explainer! Let's just jump in!
Pyro jumps into the portal and is gone. The others follow him, although a little hesitantly.
Once they enter the portal, our heroes suddenly find themselves floating in a strange white void, with nothing but the portals surrounding the empty space.
Specture: Woah, this is weird, and we're floating? What's going on here? Anyone care to explain what this place is?
You got me pal, even I don't know what this place is… But from what I can see, this seems to be a connection point between worlds, thus there being no gravity here and all the portals everywhere.
Pyro: Yeah, that's entirely possible… Wheeeee! Yeah, floating is definitely in the top ten reasons why I became an almighty antilogician. Wheeeee! Look at this!!
Pyro does a loop in mid-air without his hat falling off.
Pyro: Oh, that's SO COOL!!! I can do a loop in mid-air without my hat falling off!!!
Kroop: Yeah, I like it too, it's much better than having to bounce or get carried around all the time… but we should focus!!!
Specture: Kroop is right, we should really continue with our mission. Now Explainer, where do we need to go?
That one, I think, up there.
The Explainer's spectral hand appears once again and points at a distant portal located up high in the void. Specture floats into the direction, looks closer at the portal and sees a faint image of a plains like area.
Specture: THERE, I see it! That must be the world that we saw, come on guys let's go!
Once again, everyone enters the portal, Pyro still happily somersaulting around.
They reappear on the other side of the portal, with Pyro landing flat on his face after being afflicted with this world's gravity.
Pyro: Hey, ouch! Ugh, I ALREADY hate this dimension…
Kroop: Hm, this looks a lot like that vision from the Locate Object spell. Maybe we should look for that village?
Specture: That would be the best option but what should we do? Should we split up or stay together?
Kroop: Well, I think…
Pyro: OOH, oooh, please let me split up. I've always wanted to try splitting up PLEEEEEAAASEEE?!
Specture: Okay okay fine, let's split up, Explainer, you're with Pyro, and Kroop, you're with me.
Kroop: Uh, I think he meant…
Pyro gleefully raises his staff and suddenly, hundreds upon hundreds of Pyro duplicates appear, stepping out of the original Pyro and laughing happily.
Pyro: Hahahaha! Look, there's me! And there's me too! Hahahaha…!
Specture: Wait! NO that's not what I meant! -aw, never mind.
Kroop: I don't have a good feeling about this either…
Yeah, but it's probably better than searching for Boo for ages and ages, no?
Specture: Well you do have a point there… Alright then Pyro Clones, listen up! And listen well.
All the Pyro Clones turn to Specture.
Specture: I'm gonna need you all to spread out in a large radius and search high and low for a village, okay? It is integral that we find it. As for the rest of us, me, Kroop, OG Pyro and Explainer will head north while the rest of you look everywhere else, got it?
The Pyro Clones nod, then excitedly start flying around, laughing and spreading out - while also spreading chaos. The original group of heroes is standing alone once again.
Specture: Alright then, team, let's move.
The group starts travelling north through the plains, Pyro circling overhead upon the back of the dragon that lives in his Master Ball, and the rest of the group scanning the surroundings carefully along the ground. But then, after some time of travelling - suddenly, Pyro's dragon is attacked by a group of green smaller dragons!
Pyro: Hey!! That's not nice!! Beware, I got enough of these capsule ball thingies for all of you!!!
Kroop: Look out! Behind you! There's even more of them coming!
Meanwhile on the ground, our heroes are having a fearsome encounter with some Blorbs and Boneclangs, the slimes jumping at Specture from left and right. Thankfully, Specture cuts them down each time one jumps towards him. As he does so, he simply replies:
Specture: HA, you pesky piles of ooze think you can take on ME!? HA, how foolish!
Suddenly a group of Boneclangs charges at the dangerous Dry Bones, but before they can land a blow Specture throws his scythe horizontally and DESTROYS all the Boneclangs and the rest of the Blorbs as well, before the scythe boomerangs back to his hand.
Meanwhile, Pyro has also managed to fend off all the small dragons - a few unusually green and scaly chickens, flapping around disoriented, are all that is left of them while Pyro returns to the ground.
What was THAT?? Why did they attack us??
Specture: I have no idea, but they sure weren't a match for us, that's for sure!
Kroop: Yeah, but… wherever they came from, there's surely more of their kind, we should really hurry up!
Specture: Good point. Let's keep moving, come on guys.
As our heroes continue to search for the village from Pyro's vision, they stumble into a dark cave filled to the brim with small gemstones.
Kroop: Ooh, shiny! But this doesn't look very village-y to me? Why would we even search in a cave?
Specture: I don't know, I thought that we might find a shortcut… Actually, come to think of it, I don't even remember walking this way, that's strange…
Pyro: Many things are strange… but most of them have a reason why they are! Explainer, would you maybe scout ahead? I'm getting excited!!
Okay, on it!.... Okay so I see an exit to the cave that's not too far in, sure, we might have to travel a bit through the cave, but it's much shorter than going the long way around, and besides I think I see…. I see... smoke! I see smoke! It must be the village!
Pyro: Perfect! Now I'll get to tell Boo of all the fun we had, really soon!!
Our heroes traverse through the caves further, unfortunately encountering humongous beetles known as Beetos on their way there, always attacking in small swarms each time. However, both Kroop and Specture slowly begin to notice that the Beetos always attack in a synchronized pattern each time they swarm - is this a coincidence or is something afoot? Either way, our heroes make quick work of the Beetos (while Pyro admires the local wildlife), and they eventually exit the cave.