The 'Shroom:Issue 221/Critic Corner
Director's Notes
Welcome welcome to August, the final throes of summer where I'm editing this on mobile from a hotel! Live your life and enjoy every moment you can to do everything you want to do, and hopefully that includes a couple hours to read our reviews!!
Thank you for voting Half-Baked Reviews as July's Critic Corner Section(s) of the Month!! Be sure to give your love to all of our sections here, and give a shout out to our writers whether in chat or in their forum threads dedicated to their sections. Be sure to vote vote vote!
And now for my regular announcements: We've decided to implement in Critic Corner something similar to News Flush over in Fake News, where no formal sign-up application process is required for one-time or limited sections. From now on if you just want to send in a single review for something you just read, watched played, tried, whatever, you just have to send me your review privately either to me directly in chat, or in a message to me on the forum at least one week before each 'Shroom is to be released! There's no commitment or obligation to provide a full monthly section (although you absolutely can shift it into one if you so choose), just send us your thoughts on a thing and we'll feature it here! If you have any questions or curiosities about this, please feel free to ask!
As always, if you would like to help Critic Corner, we always have openings for more writers! You are free to write for sections such as Character Review and Movie Review, or really anything you'd like to do! There's no pressure to have a huge section; they can be shorter and concise! The application process is very simple, starting with reading the Sign Up page, and sending your application to Meta Knight on the forum. Any idea you have is welcome, and if you have any questions or need help signing up, please feel free to reach out to myself or other 'Shroom peeps!
Section of the Month
| CRITIC CORNER SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Anton's Half-Baked Reviews | 15 | 55.56% | Hypnotoad (talk) |
| 2nd | Elemental Enemies | 6 | 22.2% | Boo1268 (talk) |
| 3rd | Yoshi18 Reviews | 3 | 11.11% | Yoshi18 (talk) |
'Shroom FM
Hi! Welcome back to 'Shroom FM. Sorry for being gone over the summer - especially to the press who have now resorted to running "music criticism has lost its edge" articles in my absence. Don't worry! I'm back!
To be honest, I haven't had as much time to listen (especially during August, it's been a very exhausting month) so this will be largely positive. This is going to be a similar format to Issue 210's edition where everything is split by how good it is but really the worst I can go down to here is "fine".
It's... GREAT! đ
I'd never listened to a full album from Men I Trust until I decided to check out Equus Caballus, even though I've enjoyed everything I've heard from them, particularly the singles they've released over the past few years - a few of which having ended up on this album. It's a lovely and slick indie pop album - very rich instrumentation which is complemented perfectly by Emma Proulx's delicate vocal performance, and it all blends together into this gorgeous, ethereal atmosphere.
University's debut album McCartney, It'll Be OK is also very good - I saw them live a couple of years ago and had a great time, so it's really cool to see they've made good on that potential. After less than a minute, the opener "Massive Twenty One Pilots Tattoo" just descends into a manic, noisy wall of guitars and drums in seconds, and it keeps that energy up over its whole runtime - the slow-burn penultimate track "History of Iron Maiden Pt 1" is a particular highlight. Vocal performance matches that energy really well, and their songwriting is impressive too, with plenty of interesting, angular song structures and a lot of personality.
Also, I enjoyed the new Giant Claw album Decadent Stress Chamber a lot - it's 36 minutes of delightfully surreal and imaginative pop music, with the vocals built entirely from distorted samples. The production here is really dense and intricate, with a very dynamic and wide-ranging soundscape.
It's... good! đ
Another artist I've seen live (though much more recent) is Lucy Gooch, whose album Desert Window is a really gorgeous work of ambient pop; the vocal layering and harmonies on this are immense. The instrumentation is lush, and blends with Gooch's voice into these precise and deep soundscapes. "Keep Pulling Me In" is a great midpoint, building into a soaring climax.
McKinley Dixon's new album Magic, Alive! is very good and consistent throughout; well-crafted and produced beats and Dixon himself puts in a great performance - but if I'm honest, there's not as much I'm instantly clicking with here as on his previous album Beloved! Paradise! Jazz!?. The best stuff here is stellar, though - bright, jazzy and smooth. Definitely one to go back to.
Tropical Fuck Storm's Fairyland Codex is dark and nihilistic even by their standards; the lyrics are beautifully sharp, and paint a lot of vivid and ominous imagery, elevated by some fantastic vocal performances. The atmosphere is really dense throughout, with the noisy, psychedelic guitarwork standing out, especially in the spiralling, chaotic final track "Moscovium" - but it's all very rewarding, and another in a chain of consistently strong albums from the band.
Finally, Gelli Haha's Switcheroo is just a lot of fun - production is lively and playful, and there's plenty of creativity on display in the songwriting. Short but very sweet.
It's... fine... đ
I'm in two minds about DON'T TAP THE GLASS by Tyler, the Creator - I found Chromokopia a bit tiring so it's refreshing to have something purely meant to be fun and dance-y to follow on, in a way. It definitely delivers on that for the most part - the instrumentals are covered in synths under these banging, often bassy drum lines and breaks, which sometimes really do feel like someone is tapping the glass. Everything moves at a very steady pace, it's all very danceable while still clearly a Tyler project. On the other hand, it does start to wear thin, even during its relatively short runtime and especially over the last couple of tracks. It's also not something that really sticks with you; kind of hard to remember anything that happened. It works effectively as a more casual, fun project but a bit more polish wouldn't have hurt.
After the first few tracks of betcover!!'s Yuki, I was clicking a lot more with it than their previous album Uma - very smooth and jazzy, though with quite a dramatic tone; Jiro Yanase's vocal performance is really strong and moves everything along well, and there's some fantastic instrumentation. Unfortunately the fourth track "ăľăăźăŠăłă" just killed the momentum for me - it's not particularly bad but nowhere near as strong as what came before, and a lot longer and slower. There's a few nice moments in the second half but nothing that commands the same attention as the first. Shame!
Also quite enjoyed the After EP, After EP, though it's an unfortunate case where one song stands far above the rest. Here it's "300 dreams" which does perfectly encapsulate and build upon the early 00s dance-pop sound it's going for. Sadly the other songs just don't reach the same heights, all perfectly enjoyable but ultimately little that stands out.
Elemental Enemies
Written by: Boo1268
Hello there, readers of The Shroom. It is I, Boo1268 the Fancy Phantom, back here again with another edition of Elemental Enemies. This is the series where I look into the variety of big bads featured in Skylanders: Trap Team and see how these respective villains fit their types since we just unearthed the awards again. How about we cover the earth villains?
(If you want to get to the explanations then please skip ahead, but to those who are new, let me give some context):
In Skylanders: Trap Team, the main gimmick was that using a special crystal insert and the respective crystal element, you could capture some of the villains of the game and play as them for a short period of time, and in the game, certain villains could only be captured with a trap of their element. So, being inspired by Lockston & Gnogginâs Pokemon Type Explained videos, I am here to answer the question of how some of the villains fit into their respective element.
Now how this works is that we will be looking into what makes each villain their respective type. Things such as design, abilities, villain quests, lore, personality, etc. Each villain wonât go in any sort of order, but it tends to be that villains that most suit their type and have the most detailed explanation are at the top, and the villains that are the least connected, or more rather should NOT be connected (if specifically stated), go at the bottom. But now, with that out of the way, join me as I try my best to explain my reasonings.
Alright, now let's dig up the earth villains. Similar to last time, the groups from here on out are gonna be a bit shorter than usual, but anyways, for this group we have:
Golden Queen:
This leader of the Doom Raiders is made out of pure GOLD, and since gold is an all-natural element found within the earth, this counts. Plus, she has a Egyptian theme to her and her lair, referencing ancient Egyptian temples and the pyramids that not only are buried deep underground, but also relate to archeology. So for these reasons, she fits.
Grave Clobber:
The Golden Queen's greatest champion, Grave Clobber, is a mummy, plain and simple. And since mummies are zombies that have been preserved like a fossil, this counts for the list (also for some reason they turn him into a water element in Imaginators, which I don't get why).
Chomp Chest:
This treasure chest is hungry for gold and riches buried underneath the earth, so much so that he can dig up treasure hidden in the ground. Plus, treasure chests are commonly buried in the ground and found in ancient stone temples, and the gold connection is the same as the Golden Queen, so he counts.
Tussle Sprout:
Tussle Sprout is a brussels sprout, and even though brussels sprouts grow from the ground by design, villain quest and attacks alone he should be a life villain. But then again, the growing in the ground thing could be up in the air for debate about his type.
Well that's another set done, wow that was short huh? Well speaking of up in the air, how about next we do the air element? But before that, thank you for all the support on the last issue. I'm really glad you enjoy this series and if you have any opinions on these villains, don't hesitate to talk about it on the official/original thread, so until then, see you next time portal masters, and as always: Merci, au revoir!
A Look at Mario Enemies Lost to Time
Hello and welcome back to A Look at Mario Enemies Lost to Time, a section where I take a look at enemies who disappeared from the Mario series and its related games and see if I think they could have a place in modern Mario games. Last time we were together, we looked at two enemies from the underrated Super Mario Land games. This month, we look at two enemies, one from my favorite 2D Mario game Super Mario Bros. 3 and one from my favorite retro Donkey Kong game Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble.
Hot Foot
Only appearing in select fortress and castle levels of Super Mario Bros. 3 as well as in some related media and merchandise such as episodes of the Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3 and a few of the adventure books from the same time period, Hot Foot is one of the sneakier enemies in the game. Hot Feet take the form of the regular candles that are hung in various castles and fortresses, but when Mario looks away from them, suddenly they come alive, jumping off the candle and attempting to burn Mario's butt! Surprisingly durable, Hot Foot can only be defeated by either Invincible Mario or the hammer of Hammer Mario.
I really like Hot Foot because it's just an added layer to the castle levels. Candles appear in earlier castles and fortresses as decorative background objects, so to suddenly have them go from just decoration to an active enemy is pretty cool. Like, yeah, more then likely you're not going to get hit by a Hot Foot, but they're still a cool enemy that make a lot of sense and add a little bit of a wrinkle to the castles, because now you might rush past the candles not wanting to run the risk of them having a Hot Foot in them. And maybe, just maybe, that causes you to run into a Thwomp or some sort of other obstacle!
I actually think it's really surprising that Hot Foot never appeared again after Super Mario Bros. 3. Like, there are all sorts of fire enemies in the series and it's not like candles haven't ever appeared again. Hot Feet make sense in every single castle, fortress or ghost house, all of which in they could play the same role as they did in Super Mario Bros. 3. You could even incorporate them with Fire Snakes by having it be where, if a Hot Foot makes contact with another Hot Foot, it merges with that Hot Foot to make a Fire Snake! Or you could do a level in a 3D game ghost house where light is limited and you have to use the candles to light your way, but some of the candles are actually Hot Feet and they attempt to pursue you throughout the level. Really, I think Hot Foot is a very easy enemy to reuse, which is why I'm so surprised they've never appeared again, not even in the Super Mario Maker games.
Karbine
Found only in the post-Industrial Revolution hellscape Mekanos in the Northern Kremisphere, and even then only being found in the first level Fireball Frenzy, these mechanical owls (which were originally much more standard robots) post up in the background in various parts of the level, firing upwards of three fireballs at Dixie and Kiddy Kong before needing to reload. These are one of the many gimmick enemies in Donkey Kong Country 3, having a level completely built around dodging their fireballs with parts where one Karbine will fire two fireballs then a Karbine in the same area will fire two fireballs. Or you'll have one part where there are three Karbines that each fire a fireball shortly after each other.
It's a pretty good gimmick in a pretty fun level, and one of the many good gimmicks of Donkey Kong Country 3! I'm not really sure why they only appear in a single level outside of the fact that Donkey Kong Country 3 doesn't like to overuse gimmicks so a lot of things only appear in one or two levels, but I definitely think they could have appeared in more levels in the game and probably should have been an important part of the factory world in general.
Overall, I'm of two minds on these enemies. On one hand, I think they could easily slot into other games, especially the 2D ones where they could be playing the same role as a background element firing fireballs at you that you need to dodge. I think they could also appear in the 3D games where they could leave the background and instead be enemies firing fireballs that you need to dodge. This could also give you the option to actually destroy them by tossing a barrel or a rock at them (if the games keep the destructible elements of Bananza).
Even so, I don't really think these specific enemies need to come back for that concept to appear. I think you could do the same thing but use a more theme-fitting enemy such as a Kritter wearing a propeller hat. And you don't need it to be fireballs; it could instead be something firing barrels, which is thing they've already done with the Bazuka enemy. It doesn't really help Karbine that, outside of Frantic Factory in Donkey Kong 64, the Donkey Kong games go for a more nature-based aesthetic as opposed to an industrial one, so a mechanical owl doesn't really fit most levels. So like, I like the idea of Karbine. I like it's gimmick and I think you could bring that back, but I don't really think Karbine as an enemy will ever return in a Donkey Kong game and, really, it probably doesn't need too!
That's all for this month! Join me in issue 223 when I take a look at two more enemies that time has forgotten!
Written by: Hypnotoad (talk)
Main Art by: Fun With Despair (talk)
Supporting Art by: LittleGreenWyvy
Scale Art by: Toadbert101 (talk)
Ready-to-drink Tea, Part 2
Saint James
Founded by John M. Ferolito, one of the co-founders of AriZona Tea, who claims that he made iced tea a thing, now claims to be âreinventing the category againâ after having lost a legal battle and had his AriZona stake bought out by launching yet another all-natural organic tea in 2022 to join the legion of others believing theyâre doing the same thing. Likely using his industry experience and pull, Saint James is one of the more widely-available teas out of what Iâve tried, available at Target, Costco, Kroger, Harris Teeter, Giant, Fred Meyer, Safeway, a whole bunch of average retailers that a majority of the casual shopping population goes to, along with probably the most amount of PR free sample box influencer reviews Iâve seen on TikTok in a long time. Given the rapid scalability Saint James has achieved Iâm fully expecting them to be sold to NestlĂŠ or Coca-Cola like how John wished with AriZona to prove a billionaire big boy point. With a slogan of tea âas it should beâ, Saint James teas have many flavors spread between both black and green tea and offer 0-4g of sugar, 0-25 calories, naturally caffeinated, containing antioxidants and polyphenols, and the infuriating âingredients you knowâ that continues to embolden low-information nitwits into thinking theyâre the arbiters of science instead of actual scientists because they stubbornly refuse to learn words. Saint James represents a normalization of customer desires that were once fringe and now rapidly becoming the most popular, and hopefully Johnâs big boy experience can put some flavor in these.
Blood Orange & Hibiscus
Packaged in a Tetra Prisma Aseptic container, this looks very visually different than any of the other canned teas that are fighting for any crumb of relevancy through graphic design rebrands. It also appears to have a DreamCap 26 model cap, which is incredibly interesting information for people like me and Iâm guessing very few others, but itâs neat that itâs just openly available for the public to see the potential designs and functionality; the cap is notable because it has a particular way of pouring liquid out in that itâŚpulses? It makes drinking relatively little liquid feel like itâs much more, I genuinely donât know how to describe it so I guess go buy a drink that uses this type of container and cap and then drink from a more traditional bottle and notice how the flow is different. Itâs specifically not that DreamCap 26 Pro, though, a tethered cap which is âdesigned to prevent litter and reduce impact on climate changeâ and âavailable as plant-based option, made from polymers derived from sugarcaneâ, so I suppose thereâs room for Saint Jamesâ virtue to grow. These are the same containers I see single-serve boxed wine in which piques my interest in them as a viable option for when I decide to go full poolside wine mom next summer. My special interests are starting to show so letâs get back to the tea.
Relatively simple list of ingredients with just water and a handful of concentrates and extracts of black tea, hibiscus tea, orange, stevia leaf, and lemon juice. Definitely black tea, which I personally prefer and appreciate, with a nice sweetened flavor with stevia leaf extract that doesnât taste much different here from basic cane sugar. Iâm just sadly not getting a lot of the blood orange and hibiscus flavors. This seems to be by design as the back label very directly states they crafted âa taste profile that expertly avoids âjust a hintâ and âway too muchâ.â Maybe this is evidence of our cultural conditioning of âway too muchâ manufactured flavor leading us towards thinking of more subdued natural flavors tasting like nothing at all, but I really think they couldâve turned the notch up just a little bit more to bring it more personality. It reminds me of the amount of flavor youâd get from fruit-flavored water dispensers in like hotel lobbies and office waiting rooms, rather than what youâd get from a Brisk, Snapple, and, well, AriZona, and this seems to be entirely the point here so I canât really fault them for achieving exactly what they set out for. I guess Saint James if you need to feel good about yourself, and Brisk if youâre thirsty and need energy and donât really care about anything else.
Mango
The entire reason I even grabbed any of this brand was because of the cross-branding this one had that knocked me off my feet with how strange it felt. Featuring the words âHBO Presents: The White Lotusâ complete with the showâs logo, text on the back continues with âTaste the tropical elegance with Saint James Iced Tea. Sumptuous mango with rich black tea will transport you into the luxurious world of The White Lotus Thailand.â Like.......sure......I guess.......Iâm really curious what made them settle on regular mango as the flavor for this, as mango isnât one of their original flavors, but it just seems rather dull. Could they not have done something like mamuang pan with a little bit of a coconut twist, or maybe with a little chilli kick as sweet & spicy combinations are extremely popular right now and fits into the showâs dynamic of dramatic flair? Their website does offer a recipe for a spicy mango mocktail that satisfies my critique partially, but I genuinely think something like this shouldâve just been the retail product. I donât even really know what The White Lotus is about, but everything Iâve seen about it is just a bunch of rich white women sitting there and talking while being drunk or something, and then by the end of the season a bunch of people die, and a lot of people absolutely love it, and the entire point of this was likely just to capitalize on people liking the show and just buying the tea because the logo is on it. The press release for this includes a quote from the Saint James CEO that makes me want to go on a hunger strike until nonsense like this stops being said: âSaint James Iced Tea is the first-ever lifestyle tea brand, redefining how tea fits into moments of luxury and cultureâ, as if itâs not just a ready-to-drink tea available at Target and Costco. I actually think cross-brands and inspired food products can be really fun, but something about this one in particular made me gag just a little.
Iâll give credit, though, the mango flavor is there, and tastes very satisfying. Black tea was a good choice again for this as it has a deeper bodied fruitiness to it that emphasizes the mango equally. Nice level of sweetness that makes this really pleasant to drink, which makes me upset that this is an incredibly uninspired limited edition flavor and not just a core item in their lineup. Incredibly simple profile here that hits exactly what it is and doesnât go unnecessarily overboard with anything else; it is a black tea flavored with mango that tastes like a black tea flavored with mango, and more companies need to start being that straightforward. Iâm not sure if I feel transported to a luxurious resort with this as much as I would with a few powerful hotel bar cocktails, but I do feel like Iâm transported to a restaurant patio with a strong ceiling fan, and thatâs good enough for me.
Pineapple & Mango
This one comes in a more traditional can, but still a little different than standard with it being a very thin resealable aluminum canister. This change to aluminum seems to have happened in April 2025, and not a single Instagram post since has shown the TetraPak containers indicating to me that this is a full switch, which is a little disappointing after I dug so into it. According to their current About page, the switch to aluminum is to support âsustainability, portability, durability, and temperatureâ while staying resealable, and as the consumer here I can give my anecdotal confirmation that it did feel more portable and durable and the can felt colder, but still went into the same garbage can after.
Notable here is that this is one of their green tea offerings, which changes a lot if youâre like me and drinking like a dozen of these different things at once. Not bad, but I can't really say it's good because there's barely any flavor, especially compared to what the black teas offered and proved what was possible. I can tell the mango is there because it's a flavor I like and can identify, but it's all just barely there and obviously diluted with the nothing pineapple. I wouldnât say this is watery as the tea flavor is still there, but the existence of the other Mango flavor proves more flavor is possible, so what happened here? The grassiness of the green tea is just so light relative to the fullness black tea can offer, and there just wasnât enough other flavor there to make up for it, which I suppose is fine if youâre a reviewer who says they donât like tea but Iâd just rather get something else entirely. Monthly reminder and confirmation that I just canât get into green tea no matter from where and what format, but I liked the black tea ones enough that they might be an option if Costco carries a variety pack of those, if AriZona actually does have to raise their prices, or if I ever care about low calories opposed to chugging half a gallon of cold liquid when itâs 105F outside.
I just think that if your tea is designed to sit somewhere between âjust a hintâ and âway too muchâ then what youâre doing is designing an average ordinary tea, and despite checking all of the virtue boxes of organic, zero/low sugar, zero/low calories youâre gonna need to pick a side and win an audience because astroturfed TikTok reviews and a sour billionaire looking to make a point can only take you so far.
Needs & Wants
An offspring of Slingshot Coffee Co., creators of the absolutely abysmal Black Cherry Cola Coffee Soda I very earnestly reviewed back in October 2024, Needs & Wants was something I wanted to try just to see how their other products fare. Rather than coffee and espresso, Needs & Wants is a line of âsparkling superfruit teaâ with an extremely pared-down and neutral design to the cans that speaks very much of suburban middle class 2021 styling that I canât look into as much as Iâd like because their name doesnât have particularly good SEO. Their superfruit of choice is cascara, spanish for the husk or skin of fruit, specifically that of the coffee cherry. It sounds like a great way to utilize waste (and also squeeze more profit out of bulk raw ingredients), and falls in-line with my prior assumption that the founder of Slingshot Coffee Co. is just frankensteining production inventory and reusing the same manufacturing equipment to run three businesses with.
Peach Mint
I was aware of this brand from reviewing Slingshotâs coffee drinks, and then saw this out in the wilds of suburban South Carolina where I felt the satisfying tingle of a good food item to grab for reviews. There were several other flavors available, but Peach Mint was the only one I could get because everywhere these were available (Whole Foods, Earth Fare) the others were all expired. Barely any peach or mint flavor beyond the first moment of the sip, likely because the immediate smell from opening it that supported the taste dissipated. Tastes otherwise a bit medicinal, like sniffing a Lysol wet wipe, with that being the full extent of the mintiness. Despite cane sugar being near the top of the ingredients it just does not taste sweet enough to get over the strange and offputting bitterness thatâs lingering within. Just really not worth my time or money or even the energy of my metabolic processes when thereâs so many other things that can hit most or all of their given virtues while also tasting fine enough to not leave dumping half of the can down the drain as the only option.
A few months later I was wandering through a Whole Foods in Atlanta, as I do, and found these on the shelf next to the Halfdays nearly hidden behind a display of reusable straws. Maybe this is visible proof of a supply chain issue they were going through, but leaves me curious what was going on.
Blackberry Hibiscus
For some reason Whole Foods carries three of the four flavors (Peach Mint, Citrus Elderflower, and Blueberry Jasmine) but I was only able to find the Blackberry Hibiscus at Earth Fare. Being a flavor I could see myself liking I opted to try this one out, mostly because I was wandering through this Earth Fare for like 20 minutes by this point and still had nothing in my basket and just felt a little obligated.
I appreciate that I can at least taste something here, mostly something herbal that Iâll credit to the hibiscus, dandelion, and lemon balm, but apparently thereâs also cinnamon and vanilla in here that I only knew about because I read the can. There's a strange background of old coffee in this that's so noticeable that it made me go back to the Peach Mint where it was a bit more hidden but now identifiable after trying this one. Itâs upsetting because blogs like this one are steadfast in saying that âcascara comes from the coffee plant but is nowhere even close to tasting like coffeeâ, leaving me bewildered why Iâm getting a very obvious coffee flavor here. Is it just dirty equipment thatâs being used to process their multiple lines of product? Could a coffee food snob be lying on the internet about how things taste? I just know that what I tasted was extremely bad burnt coffee, the exact kind of foul flavor that I viscerally recall from the Black Cherry Coffee Soda, which leads me to thinking this is either by design or a handwaved aspect that I believe should be viciously legislated out of existence. I did actually go out and get another cascara drink just to verify, and it still had that awkward gross diluted stale coffee taste, but it was masked and handled slightly better regarding the sweetness level and supporting flavors.
Their other venture, Bright Side Beverage Club, currently seems to be defunct as their website doesnât appear to work and their Instagramâs last post is 100 weeks old as of August 2025, along with links to and mentions of it scrubbed from Slingshotâs main website. I was able to locate a post seemingly directed to retailers on Faire.com, an e-commerce wholesaler, that due to supply-chain issues and unwillingness to compromise on ingredients and quality that they have âdecided to press pauseâ on BSBC until they can regroup. Iâm curious which ingredients theyâre referring to, and if this tightening of resources explains why everything of theirs has the same core awful coffee taste.
Gorgie
âEnergy drink with benefitsâ, while showcasing extremely gorgeous models and hyping it up as a drink that hydrates and makes you beautiful. A bit more direct and flashy in tone than Pretty Tasty, with a statement from the founder saying âWe believe that wellness, energy, supplements and good for you products should no longer be a sacrifice in taste, vibe or aestheticâ that honestly reflects exactly what this current generation desires. Gorgie is all about women-first energy, and being a product that not only tastes good, but looks good in pictures to post online in what was genuinely a jaw-dropping statement Iâve never seen any company directly admit to. Thereâs nothing exactly wrong with such a direct statement, or even the meaning behind it, but itâs just such a sheer and strong declaration that reveals how open vanity has taken new shape in the form of cute wellness, that hedonism is no longer about sweet treats but rather filling your body with only the correct chemicals that conservative lobbyists have been weaponizing to obfuscate and dismantle actually-healthy policies with for years now. Iâll concede that I canât fling too many accusations of political standings, and I donât want to be reckless with it, but this very much first directly into the current administrationâs smokescreening of policy and scientific oversight destruction with shiny sparkly personal responsibility championed by social media influencers who have no clue what theyâre doing. The entire design of these being so feminine is a direct response to other energy drinks being so masculine, such as Monster, Rockstar, Bang, Ghost, C4, etc. that all have such relatively aggressive designs that evoke more themes of high-energy sports, racing, performance, and power. I genuinely did not recognize these as energy drinks to begin with, as they instead look like all of the functional drinks currently out there pushing effectively the same design ideals. The energy here, though, is caffeine derived from green tea, so Iâm going to include it in these reviews.
0g sugar with no aspartame, no erythritol, no scuralose, âno nastiesâ, using instead steviol glycosides (Reb M) derived from stevia. Gluten-free, 5 calories, Non-GMO Project verified, kosher, vegan, but as this is technically billed as an energy drink it does have added Vitamin B3, Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, L-theanine, and biotin, plus ginger root extract for a brighter taste and a few things for colors for postable pour videos. Speaking of, all of these benefits and choices are advertised on the side of every can alongside photos of their social media followers, which seems like a very Jones Soda and cool connection for some extra buy-in, but I wouldâve loved for all of their @s to also be included so I can see, for example, who is included in their âLove that for us!â comment. Looking more carefully, the same comments are in the same order on every can, but the pictures change between flavor, which does feel like a bit more deception, but I appreciate that thereâs a few guys in the mixânot that men need more representation, but I like seeing that these feminine hot-girl-summer energy energy drinks donât create a feeling of exclusion like many of the other âby women, for womenâ companies in our current time of suspicious TERFy intent and conservative cultural resurgence. I should be allowed to have copious amounts of body hair, be comfortable with my gender and masculine identity, and enjoy a brightly colored pretty drink without having to deal with relentless gatekeeping, homophobia, and twisted judgments wrapped in sexism. Either way, opinions online are polarized, locked in a binary, if you will, and I am here to discover the truth.
Sparkling Peach Tea
Smells peachy, tastes peachy, but a strange peachy I donât recognize well. I was a bit shocked that I didnât taste any of the green tea until I checked the ingredients again and saw this is actually white tea with just the caffeine being from green tea and not actually just green tea itself. A very tricky bit of wordplay and deception, but I donât mind skirting that one past the TikTok girlies and tradwife bloggers who donât have a clue what theyâre talking about and just consume for their chosen cultural aesthetic that theyâre forcing on everyone else. The carbonation is definitely there, but with smaller bubbles that makes it a bit more smooth with a crisp finish, and leaving it a bit on the dryer end.
I drank a few of these right after a bad reaction to having blood drawn and they definitely helped rejuvenate me; Iâm not sure whether to credit that anecdote to Gorgie directly, the presence of key vitamins, the fact that I was actually in a situation that I could benefit from chemical rebalancing, but I cannot say I had a bad experience and I cannot say it tasted bad and I cannot say that it didnât do what it said it would. This feels like a solid option for me now, as someone who avoids more standard energy drinks, and their wide availability makes that easier.
Sparkling Mango Burst
Same experience as the peach, but just a different flavor. Recognizably mango, but not like any mango or mango-flavored thing Iâve ever tasted. The flavor is very readable as not being...real? Despite it being natural mango flavors (and other natural flavors), it just tastes manufactured in a way I donât want to sound like a negative criticism but rather just a statement of fact. Itâs not a super fake candy mango flavor, but not a real mango flavor, just somewhere between that I think works pretty well.
Sparkling Tropical Punch
Same thing as the last two. Yeah thatâs tropical punch, but leans more towards bubble gummy tuttifrutti punchiness, quite sweet compared to others. Being able to use the same drink formula and then just pop in a few drops of whatever natural flavors you have available from a supplier seems like an incredibly easy way to scale up your catalog. As I was trying all of these in tandem this one sat for a little longer where I was able to observe that the carbonation flees from this super quickly, and their recommendation of âbest served chilledâ is more of a requirement because it gets really stale-tasting once the can starts to sweat too much. I can see the validity here for the aesthetic decanting into cute ice-filled glasses for this, but at that point Iâm just gonna make myself an actual cocktail.
Jaclyn Hillâs Orange Twist
Jaclyn Hill is a famous makeup artist YouTuber and internet personality and eventual entrepreneur with her own makeup line that was about as disastrous as youâd expect with a classic YouTube apology video and drama analysis videos that Iâll now add to my watch later list to thoroughly enjoy. Along with many other brand partnerships that stirred up a ton of drama and bad business accusations, she now has one with Gorgie Energy Drinks! This is part of a greater push for market expansion, leaving me wondering what exactly these influencers actually do with flavor collabs with this brand and others; do they make the flavor suggestion? Do they help formulate it? Do they sample some things and pick the one they like? Do they just agree to mutually use each othersâ names to push their products? Did they consider the sheer amount of either obviously fake or vitriolic comments her videos get and would get? Through some simple searching itâs hard to actually find what Jaclyn is actually doing aside from doing some sponsored social media posts, which she already does for a lot of other products, so Iâm wondering if one day I can get a sponsored Chex Mix flavor.
Thatâs certainly orange, like an orange soda thatâs about to go flat but without that CO2 bitterness. They says this evokes nostalgia but I genuinely canât imagine of what and whose experience this would be, but it tastes more like a mimosa from a chain diner that really cheaped out on the champagne so I guess itâs nostalgia from 7 years ago when I treated myself to a mimosa at Kekeâs Breakfast Cafe and really thought I was hot for it. Just like all of their other flavors itâs pretty much exactly the one flavor the can says it is, for better or worse, with a bit more sweetness (but not too sweet) that falls in line more with traditional sodas but with a healthier profile that you can see from more focused brands. I can see why theyâre expanding very quickly, but the more that I drink the less dazzled I am by the taste as none of them offer much surprise or uniqueness.
With there being 150mg of caffeine in each can, and me consuming one full can and about half of the other three, I can safely say I approached the recommended 400mg maximum and I could feel my heart pounding all night and couldnât get to sleep at all, an issue Iâve never had before even when overconsuming RTD coffees for that other review. Either something is changing with my body and tolerance rapidly in the last year or something with Gorgieâs formulation just works with giving me energy that nothing else really does.
Halfday; Tropical Tea
Returning to this brand one more time just because I saw this limited time flavor like a day after the last review posted, and I just didnât feel right holding onto this for an eventual Spring Cleaning review in like March or April 2026.
Still all of the same benefits the brand reports, with prebiotic fiber, low sugar, low-calorie, light amount of caffeine at 35mg. Pineapple, guava, and passionfruit are whatâs pictured on the front instead of like a cute capybara surfing or something actually cool and fun and eye-catching and memorable, while lime and orange are also included in the ingredients. The flavor definitely leans more into the passionfruit, then the guava, which I appreciate because those are flavors I like and donât see represented much in standard American markets. This uses a green tea base that I can hardly taste with everything else going on, and despite having cane sugar and stevia it leans a bit more on the deeper and bold side of fruity. I feel like if this was a black tea it wouldâve leaned more into this a bit more, rather than alleviating it, and I accept that this decision was likely to appeal to their specific market but I think it mightâve been more interesting. I actually feel like it couldâve done without the pineapple, as that just sits there in the back of my mouth long after every other flavor has dissipated, and I would rather sit more on the passionfruit and guava. Overall, this does taste good, and I truly donât have any complaints in a vacuum, just dreams and desires of my own ideal tropical drinks; it has a large pineapple on the front, it has a pineapple taste, it did what it showed and did it well.
As an aside, every review Iâve seen has praised the new design, and I genuinely donât understand it. Maybe this world is no longer mine, maybe my tastes are no longer welcome, maybe Iâm the only one who can see truth and reality, maybe Iâm correct in using my adulthood to shape my own world in my image and surround myself with things I enjoy, and maybe everyone doing that is how weâll be saved. Also, maybe Iâm just a furry who wants more silly animal mascots.
Seven Teas
After all of these other teas trying to be everything else, how about just tea? This brand seemed to be all over the place and across the grocery retail spectrum, including Publix, Target, The Fresh Market, Whole Foods, and several local natural goods stores, yet Iâve never heard of it or seen it pushed anywhere, indicating to me that thereâs still a consumer landscape that doesnât necessitate the aggravating social media hurdles and positioning that all of the others do. With a goal of bringing craft-brewed worldly quality to a market they view as focusing more on lowering price at the cost of quality (@Arizona), they blend two tea cultures they experience with diverse parents with cold iced tea from the American south, and hot tea from Iran.
Certified organic, fair trade and direct sourcing as much as possible, gluten-free, Sourced Non-GMO Pledge, no pesticides, no corn syrup, âno junkâ, definitely not zero calorie but certainly lower than conventional sodas and teas, and a decent kick of caffeine if youâre just looking for a little boost. What strikes me most is top billing given to âno citric acidâ, as Iâm not seeing too much negative about it that really sticks, with fear-mongering low-information nonsense like it being artificial and typically derived from mold failing to take into account that artificial doesnât inherently mean itâs bad and the human diets and experiences] with a casual reminder that most mold exists in harmony with us and the simple fact that cheese exists. I suppose if you're an organic tea company in Santa Monica youâre bound to have at least one bizarre pseudoscience faux-health focus.
Uptown Half & Half
A tad watery and light; I feel like I can drink the whole can in a single gulp without really feeling like much has happened. It tastes fine and tastes like a half iced tea half lemonade, but leans a bit more sour and tart because itâs not as sweet as it probably should be. It utilizes both cane sugar and stevia, and with stevia being a zero-calorie sweetener I really feel they couldâve just dumped a little bit more into it to brighten the taste but keep their low 70 calorie count.
Rojo Raspberry
While the others had 50mg of caffeine, this one has 100mg for a reason I canât see explicitly through their ingredient list. I really like raspberries and used to chug AriZona Raspberry Iced Teas when I was younger, but now the fake raspberry flavor just tastes toxic to me, and this Seven Teas Raspberry didnât feel like that. The flavor was certainly there, and absolutely felt a little watered down, but for this flavor it worked for me; it tasted like a lightly flavored tea rather than a liquid flavor vessel.
Tropical Mango
Rather than black tea, this one is a green tea, and to absolutely no surprise to me Iâm not much of a fan of it. The flavor feels weaker, it feels a bit more watered down, and just doesnât have the right kind of sweetness that I prefer to have with mango. It leans a bit more...not grassy, exactly, but like...leaves. Honestly the review from @bevbitches is pretty much how I feel, if just a tad more generous as I do think it still tastes just fine, and probably one of the least immediately offensive green teas Iâve had and I finished the whole can.
All of these flavors I tried, and the only ones Iâve seen available at any of the stores Iâve gone to, have been part of their â70-Calorie Classicsâ line, but they also have a âTraditional Teasâ line of much more adventurous flavors in glass bottles. I think itâs actually ingenious to step into the better-for-you tea market with a full understanding of two fronts at play, higher-end specialty and mass consumer, and targeting both potentially intermingles them and encourages the mass consumer to try upwards rather than being fully put off from even trying. Unfortunately their product finder doesnât allow you to toggle which flavors to search for and also doesnât bother listing which ones are available at whichever location, so Iâm left to assume that these are only available online or locally in southern California as confirmed by looking at available items at various Beverly Hills Whole Foods locations. Iâd be interested in trying these but Iâm absolutely not interested in purchasing 12-packs for $48 plus shipping, even with variety packs as an option. Maybe I should look into e-begging companies for sample boxes......
| The 'Shroom: Issue 221 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes ⢠The 'Shroom Spotlight ⢠Poochy's Picks ⢠Credits |
| Features | Fake News ⢠Fun Stuff ⢠Palette Swap ⢠Pipe Plaza ⢠Critic Corner ⢠Strategy Wing |
