The 'Shroom:Issue 200/Fake News
Hello there, Fake News readers! It's time to celebrate the 200th issue of The 'Shroom, and oh boy do we have a very special edition of Fake News for you this month! But before I get into the announcements, here's a weird little fun fact. Even though Fake News dates all the way back to the very first issue, this isn't actually the 200th edition of Fake News. It was skipped a few times from 2007-2008, so this is actually the 194th edition of Fake News! Happy 194!
There's so much to talk about that I actually can't fit it all into my notes without making them excessively long! I'll just give you some brief highlights, and I'll trust you to read the table of contents to see everything we have to offer. First of all, in addition to having our full slate of regular sections, you may recognize more than a few names from the days of Fake News gone by! Former Fake News writers Coffee, Flygon64 (talk), GBA (talk), Raregold (talk), Toadbert101 (talk), and the man who needs no introduction but I'm going to introduce him anyway, the esteemed former Fake News Director MCD (talk), have all returned with special guest submissions for this issue!
We also have a brand new section debuting this month! Please welcome Legend 8, joining the Fake News team with The Sorcery Show! We have a couple other writers taking their first steps into Fake News as well - our Statistics Manager Meta Knight (talk) has finally entered our purple halls with one of the four News Flushes in this issue, and TimeTravelerToad has written a guest submission titled A Visitor's Guide to Baby Park. And I still haven't talked about all the cool stuff happening here, but you'll have to find the rest for yourself!
Before I go, I just want to thank my regular team members, ClawgripFan9001, Hooded Pitohui (talk), Quizmelon (talk), Shoey (talk), and TheBlueCatMenace. Whether you've been writing for this team for years or months, I appreciate all of you guys being here and getting to see what you come up with each month. Thank you for sharing your creativity and providing quality content to this team! If you'd like to join this team of exceptionally cool and talented people, whether it's a brand new idea like Legend 8 is doing or a new spin on an old classic, you can find everything you need to get started on our sign up page!
Section of the Month
Quizmelon (talk) returns to the top with TV Tomorrow, covering new TV programs and Waluigi-based antics at the same time! In second place is TheBlueCatMenace taking a Halloween spin with The Moonlight Travel Guide, covering Luigi's Mansion. I'm not sure I'd want to visit there myself, but the section was clearly well-received nonetheless! Finally, Dear Waluigi Time took third with advice for navigating the spooky season. Be sure to continue supporting our writers with your votes, there's plenty to pick from in this issue!
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
|1st||TV Tomorrow||19||29.69%||Quizmelon (talk)|
|2nd||The Moonlight Travel Guide||15||23.44%||TheBlueCatMenace|
|3rd||Dear Waluigi Time||12||18.75%||Waluigi Time (talk)|
'Shroom Party No Piece of Cake
Planning a pre-party for The 'Shroom's staff to celebrate the paper's 200th issue went awry earlier this month when the time came to discuss catering. In an attempt to save money, Waluigi Time suggested commissioning a cake from Marrymore-based baker Chef Torte. The chef's once famous reputation began to decline following an incident in which he provided a cake for the wedding of Booster and Princess Peach, forcing him to resort to bargain prices to keep his business afloat. Anton cautioned against hiring Torte, having previously reviewed a box of the chef's cupcakes:
However, by the time I had finished the first cupcake, the rest of the box came to life and tried to murder me, which was a real mood-killer and I kept finding frosting in obscure nooks and crannies of my house for months. Ethical concerns aside, if you must try one of Torte's creations, avoid multi-packs and anything that can't be eaten quickly in one sitting, like cake, but if you're just going to feel rushed anyway, I question why you wouldn't buy something else.
Despite being advised against it, Waluigi Time went ahead and commissioned a cake from Torte, which went about as well as expected. Not long after being delivered to The 'Shroom HQ, the cake came to life and went on a rampage through the headquarters. While the cake caused no major damage to any vital facilities, it did leave the hallways thoroughly covered in frosting and set a few small fires caused by wayward candles. The day was saved thanks to the arrival of FunkyK38, who put a stop to the confection's destructive spree by inhaling it in its entirety. Janitor Superchao has estimated that full cleanup of the remaining mess will take several weeks, and in a worst case scenario, should be completed shortly before the new year.
In response to the incident, 'Shroom Director Hooded Pitohui has indefinitely banned Waluigi Time from being responsible for food in any way for any future events on the premises, a decision which was apparently a long time coming. Waluigi Time has said that he plans to contest this decision via 'Shroomfest once he comes up with a less clunky name than "Let Waluigi Time Bring Food vs. Boring Status Quo (Don't Pick This Team)". It might be a while.
We at The 'Shroom will continue to keep you informed of further developments. This has been Walter G. Timeson reporting, and I am now out of time.
Overlook Mountain Auction House Presents
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
Yar...It be 'ere at last...The big milestone that be Issue 200...Never woulda thought I'd be 'ere ta contribute ta it...Ahoy, ladies, gents, an' lasses an' laddies o' all ages! I be yer friendly emcee, ClawgripFan9001, an' welcome ta me Issue 200 edition o' the Sport Report! I be very grateful ta be able ta contribute ta The 'Shroom's big milestone with this section, an' I 'ope ye be grateful ta join me fer t'day's sports news! But b'fore I do that, lemme just give ye a wee speech as part o' me Issue 200 notes!
Yar, b'fore I became the sports lovin' pirate crustacean ye be seein' b'fore ye, ten years ago, I was a young an' jolly Bounty Hunter Koopatrol who wrote fer the Fake News Team's Police Blotter section fer 'bout half a year 'til I was unfortunately sacked due ta circumstances beyond me control. An' then, 'bout a year or two later, I unfortunately 'ad ta take me leave from the community due ta somethin' I like ta call the Sailor's Wrath. I never woulda thought that I'd ever become part o' this community e'er again. But then, 'bout two years ago, I figured I'd try an' take a shot at redemption, so I became a pirate crustacean, went back ta this community, an' due ta me 'onesty, I was granted back access into the community. Then, back in August o' last year, I figured I'd try an' take a shot at writin' fer The 'Shroom once again, so I submitted a guest section, which was published into that month's edition o' The 'Shroom, an' afterward, I was convinced by me work an' decided ta take up writin' fer The 'Shroom full-time once again, an' I've been writin' the Sport Report e'er since.
Aye, so I've given ye a wee bit o' me history with bein' a part o' this community an' me time writin' fer The 'Shroom. Now that we've gotten that outta the way, lemme just give a quick thanks ta all o' The 'Shroom's writin' teams fer all the work they've put into The 'Shroom o'er the years! Thanks ta me own team, Fake News, fer constantly entertainin' the masses o' New Wikisburg with their news reports an' entertainment sections, thanks ta Fun Stuff, fer constantly providin' the masses o' New Wikisburg with fun games ta play, thanks ta Palette Swap, fer constantly providin' us with the community's creative works, thanks ta Pipe Plaza, fer constantly givin' us the latest statistics fresh from the community, thanks ta Critic Corner, fer constantly givin' us the community's opinions on video games, movies, TV shows, books, music, food an' anythin' at all, an' thanks ta Strategy Wing, fer constantly givin' us tips an' tricks on video games o'er the years! An' 'specially thanks ta ya, the readers o' The 'Shroom, fer tunin' in ta The 'Shroom each month and readin' everythin' that the paper 'as ta offer! Without all o' ye, The 'Shroom wouldn't be anywhere! Thanks ta all o' ye, from the bottom o' me heart!
So now, without further ado, lemme give ye the scoop on this month's sports news! Fer this month's sports news, I set sail ta the Northern Kremisphere, specifically, ta Lake Orangatanga, where I found the Kong Family gettin' ready fer a good ol'-fashioned game o' badminton! Fer those o' ye that don't know what badminton be, I'll give ye a quick rundown; It be simple. Very simple indeed. There be two common modes in this sport; Singles, where two players use a racquet ta whack a shuttlecock back an' forth 'cross a net, an' doubles, where four players split into two teams o' two use a racquet ta whack a shuttlecock back an' forth 'cross a net. Points are awarded ta players that manage ta land the shuttlecock on the opposin' side o' the net. The player or players that manage ta score the most set amount o' points by the end o' the match will be declared the winner.
Yar, so now that ye know what badminton be, it be time ta meet our participants fer t'day! Team One be consistin' o' Dixie Kong an' 'er brawny wee cousin Kiddy Kong, an' Team Two be consistin' o' Donkey Kong an' 'is wee buddy an' nephew, Diddy Kong! They be engagin' in a doubles game o' badminton, with the set amount o' points bein' twenty-one points!
B'fore the game started, I was able ta get an interview outta Cranky Kong, the grumpy ol' grandfather o' Donkey Kong. Cranky told me that e'er since King K. Rool was chased outta the Northern Kremisphere, the Kong Family likes ta vacation ta this beautiful place every now an' then, an' that they 'ad decided ta 'ost a badminton match 'ere t'day after Diddy an' Dixie 'ad an argument 'bout which o' them was better at badminton. Cranky then proceeded ta ramble 'bout 'ow silly it is ta 'ost a sports match just ta decide who's better at somethin', an' I be understandin' where Cranky be comin' from, but I still be grateful ta 'ave been invited ta report on this sports match all the same!
So without further ado, it's time fer the game ta start! Dixie Kong be the first ta serve fer this match, an' with all 'er might, she smacks the shuttlecock o'er the net, with Donkey Kong bein' quick ta 'it it back ta 'er, but Kiddy Kong quickly smacks it back again, with Diddy bein' the next ta 'it the shuttlecock up an' o'er the net, an' this goes back an' forth 'til the shuttlecock eventually touches down on Donkey an' Diddy's side o' the court! 3-0 fer Dixie an' Kiddy!
It now be Diddy Kong's turn ta serve the shuttlecock, so our scrappy wee simian goes ahead an' does just that, thwacking the shuttlecock o'er the net, with Dixie 'ittin' it back t'wards Donkey an' Diddy's side o' the court, after which Donkey sends it back o'er the net again, an' Kiddy quickly knocks it back, an' 'e sends the shuttlecock touchin' back down on Donkey and Diddy's side once more! 6-0 fer Dixie an' Kiddy!
Cranky starts tauntin' Donkey an' Diddy fer fallin' behind ta a lass an' a toddler, after which Donkey an' Diddy 'ave a quick exchange o' words, an' the two o' them start steppin' up their game as Donkey is at turn ta serve, so 'e 'its the shuttlecock with all 'is might, with the shot bein' too fast an' powerful fer Dixie an' Kiddy ta 'andle, so the shuttlecock lands on their side o' the court! The score currently be 6-3, with Dixie an' Kiddy still bein' in the lead!
Next, it be Kiddy's turn ta serve, an' like Donkey, 'e sends the shuttlecock o'er the net with all 'is might, but Diddy be quick enough ta send it back again, with Dixie makin' a save as she leaps up ta whack the shuttlecock back ta Donkey and Diddy's side o' the court, an' this goes back an' forth 'til the shuttlecock comes down on Dixie an' Kiddy's side, tyin' up the scoreboard at 6-6!
Dixie picks up the shuttlecock, an' with a skip an' a 'op, she shoots the shuttlecock 'cross the net, with Donkey leapin' into the air an' thwacks the shuttlecock right back ta Dixie an' Kiddy, an' when Donkey lands, the ground starts ta quake, temporarily paralyzin' Dixie an' Kiddy, leavin' 'em both unable ta do anythin' 'bout the shuttlecock touchin' down on their side o' the court, tippin' the scoreboard in favor o' Donkey an' Diddy! The score currently be 9-6!
Cranky starts cheerin' Donkey an' Diddy on, while the ghost o' Wrinkly Kong be shakin' 'er 'ead at 'er 'usband's behavior. Yar, it appears that even in death, she be embarrassed by 'er 'usband's actions, which I can't blame 'er fer, in all fairness. Tiny Kong an' Chunky Kong start cheerin' Dixie an' Kiddy on, which be enough motivation fer Kiddy ta grab the shuttlecock off the ground an' serve it.
Leapin' up from the ground, Kiddy goes in fer the servin' shot, a shot so powerful that it knocks Diddy Kong off 'is feet an' causes the shuttlecock ta make its landin' near 'im! The score be tied up once more at 9-9! Donkey Kong quickly pulls Diddy back ta 'is feet, after which Diddy swipes the shuttlecock, an' with a leap an' a somersault, the cheerful chimp sends the shuttlecock back o'er the net, after which it lands on Dixie an' Kiddy's side o' the court, after which the score turns ta 12-9 fer Donkey an' Diddy!
Now that the scoreboard 'as entered the double digits, our Kongs decide ta take a quick breather from the game as they go ta take a seat an' 'ave a few bananas. I decide ta go 'ave a few bananas meself, an' lemme tell ye, mateys; The bananas that the Kong Family possess be delicious! I found meself eatin' at least five o' them!
While I was relaxin' a bit, I found Funky Kong comin' up ta me an' askin' me if I 'ad time ta do a quick interview b'fore the next round o' the match started. I told Funky that I could spare some time outta me break ta chat with 'im, much ta Funky's delight. So Funky an' I chatted it up a bit, sayin' that 'e loves it when the Kong Family comes together fer sports events like this, an' that no matter who wins, the Kong Family at least be 'avin' fun at the end o' the day. The ghost o' Wrinkly Kong then joins in on the conversation, tellin' me that such a thing be the case fer most o' the Kongs 'cept fer Cranky, as the ol' man 'parently be a sore loser an' that when 'is favorite team o' Kongs loses a sports match, 'e drags 'em off ta 'is cabin fer a lecture. Yar, that do be a bit 'arsh on Cranky's part, but Wrinkly assures me it be fine, tellin' me that Cranky 'as always been a bit kooky ever since growin' into 'is ol' days.
Anyway, I thank both Funky an' Wrinkly fer their chat with me, after which Funky apologizes ta me fer sendin' King K. Rool flyin' o'er the horizon with 'is boot launcher durin' me very first edition o' the Sport Report, tellin' me that 'e 'eard from Cranky that I wanted ta interview K. Rool after the match, but didn't get a chance due ta 'is antics. I tell Funky it be fine, an' that we still be mateys after what 'appened.
With that little breather outta the way, it be time ta continue on with the match! Our two teams 'ave switched court sides, with Dixie an' Kiddy now bein' on Donkey an' Diddy's side o' the court an' vice versa! Donkey Kong be at turn ta serve, an' the leader o' the Kong Family shoots the shuttlecock o'er the net, with Dixie bein' quick ta send it back, then Diddy swings the shuttlecock back, with Kiddy strikin' it back again, an' it once again be goin' back an' forth b'fore the shuttlecock puts down on Dixie an' Kiddy's side o' the court! 15-9 fer Donkey an' Diddy!
Yar, it be lookin' bad fer Dixie an' Kiddy. The two younger members o' the Kong Family are gonna need a miracle if they wanna catch up ta Donkey an' Diddy. Kiddy Kong be at turn ta serve, an' the wee laddie goes in fer the shot, sendin' the shuttlecock flyin' 'cross the net with all 'is might, which proves ta be too much fer Donkey an' Diddy ta 'andle, as the shuttlecock touches down on their side o' the court! The score be 'bout 15-12 right now!
Diddy Kong picks the shuttlecock off the ground, an' 'e leaps into the air with a Spin Jump b'fore whackin' the shuttlecock forward! Dixie Kong manages ta send it back o'er the net, with Donkey Kong quickly returnin' 'er the favor, after which Kiddy Kong also returns 'im the favor, and this keeps goin' back an' forth once more 'til the shuttlecock eventually lands on Dixie an' Kiddy's side o' the court! 18-12 fer Donkey an' Diddy!
Aye, the competition be fierce t'day, mateys, with neither team bein' willin' ta back down from this fight! Which team will be emergin' victorious 'ere? We can only find out as we continue on with this match! Dixie Kong be the next ta serve the shuttlecock, an' with 'er acrobatic skills, she sends the shuttlecock flyin' o'er the net after performin' a backward somersault, which catches Donkey an' Diddy off guard an' leaves 'em unable ta react in time, leavin' the shuttlecock ta come down on their side o' the court without much resistance! The score currently be 18-15!
The rest o' the Kong Family continues ta cheer on their relatives from the sidelines, an' Donkey Kong picks up the shuttlecock, sends it o'er the net, after which Kiddy Kong be quick ta return it, with Diddy Kong knockin' the shuttlecock back 'cross the net once more, Dixie Kong does the same thing, an' the shuttlecock keeps bein' sent back an' forth o'er the net 'til it eventually touches down on Donkey an' Diddy's side! The score be currently tied at 18-18!
Yar, we've made it ta the end o' the match, mateys; The match point! Whate'er team scores this next point goes on ta win the 'ole thing! Diddy picks up the shuttlecock, whacks it t'wards Dixie an' Kiddy's side, Dixie 'its the dang thing right back, after which Donkey butts it straight back again, with Kiddy swattin' it back once more! Yar, the shuttlecock keeps bein' walloped 'cross the net, but eventually, it lands on one side o' the court, an' that side be...Donkey an' Diddy's side! 21-18 fer Dixie an' Kiddy! Those kids are the winners o' this match! Dixie an' Kiddy rejoice in their victory while Donkey an' Diddy obviously be disappointed at their loss, but they still congratulate their opponents on a game well played!
After the match concluded, I tried ta get a hold o' Donkey an' Diddy fer an interview, but couldn't 'cause Cranky Kong dragged Donkey an' Diddy off fer a lecture. The ghost o' Wrinkly Kong once again apologized ta me fer Cranky's behavior, sayin' that 'e really do be kooky. Yar, I understand, as ye don't always be fortunate enough ta get an interview with the losers. But that be 'bout all the time we 'ave fer this month, mateys! Once again, I would like ta thank ye fer tunin' in ta me Issue 200 edition o' the Sport Report, an' I be 'opin' ta see ye next month fer me final edition o' the Sport Report o' 2023! 'Til then, I 'ope ye be takin' the time ta look at anythin' else that Issue 200 may 'ave ta offer!
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Debate on Introduced Talking Flowers Reaches Fever Pitch
At the end of a contentious week in parliament, Laia T. of Toad Town East, opposition backbencher, unleashed fierce criticism of the Talking Flowers now nearly-ubiquitous in the Mushroom Kingdom, calling for Prime Minister Toadson's ministry to take action against their importation and spread. Speaking during a debate on an amendment to a bill concerning penalties for the introduction of non-native species into the Mushroom Kingdom, Laia offered commentary on the Talking Flowers themselves, calling the recently-introduced species "annoying, as anyone in this kingdom who has been forced to endure their incessant babbling and quips will attest," and adding that "they are becoming a blemish on our kingdom, disrupting the peaceful quiet that we are accustomed to and that is our right".
The MP's comments come at a time of growing public outcry over the proliferation of the Talking Flowers, and building pressure on the government to address their spread. Surveys now indicate that, in all regions of the Kingdom other than Ice Land and Desert Land, a majority of citizens have encountered at least one Talking Flower, with thirty-seven percent of citizens across the kingdom now indicating they encounter at least one Talking Flower daily as they go about their business. Citizens have described the plants, accidentally introduced to the Mushroom Kingdom by Mario and company after a recent visit to the Flower Kingdom, as "annoying", "repetitive", "disruptive", and "not fitting in with the Mushroom Kingdom". One resident of Toad Town who spoke with Mushroom Tribune said the following:
They're everywhere, and I can't stand their annoying quips! It'd be one thing if I could mute them, you know? But it's not like I have the option to make them all shut up. Super Mushrooms never do this. Our beautiful hills never do this. Fire Flowers never do this. No, they all know how to behave, just staring at all of us but keeping quiet. But these Talking Flowers? They never stop yapping! I go out to buy fresh bread and outside the bakery it's "Mmmm, love that smell!". I tried to take my wife to watch a sunset, and the whole time, over and over, it was a wistful sigh followed by "Isn't it a beauty?". Yes! Yes, it was beautiful - when it was quiet! And that's another thing! They just keep repeating themselves! Now one sprouted up in my yard, and every single time I step out of my front door, I have to listen to it saying "I WONDER what today will bring." Take a hint, bub! There aren't even Wonder Flowers here!
While frustration rises among the public, so far, the government has yet to address the Talking Flowers and their spread. Laia T. cited this absence of action as a reason for making his comments on a tangentially-related bill, stating:
Someone has to say what's on the minds of almost all of our citizens. Citizens need to be assured that we are listening to them, that we are hearing them. It would appear that our government ministers are approaching this matter as a Sandmaargh would - by burying themselves in the sand and ignoring it. They need to hear us say unequivocally that we want these flowers to be quieted as much as the constituents we represent.
With no word from Toadson's government or the Toadstool family, addressing the public's outrage has fallen to regional and local leadership. King Cobre of Grass Land has announced a policy of populating bare patches of soil with Super Mushrooms, to limit the areas to which Talking Flowers can spread. Elsewhere, action has yet to be announced. Yet, amidst the outcry, some citizens are defending the Talking Flowers, calling the ire and vitriol directed at them shameful and calling the flowers themselves, as well as their commentary, "charming" and "pleasant".
As the debate rages on, we turn to longtime commentators Hooded Pitohui and Shoey for their perspectives on the matter:
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
MASKED SWORDSMAN REVEALED
An anonymous source has submitted this photo of the legendary swordsman, Meta Knight. Reports are saying that he was participating at a tournament in the New World not too long after a dimensional rift was spotted on our home planet of Popstar. He was in the middle of a battle with fellow Dream Land native Kirby, when his mask fell off.
Meta Knight fled the scene immediately by teleporting off, but a local resident managed to capture an image before he left. Meta Knight has made his mask a key part of his identity, so we're incredibly lucky to share this exclusive peek at the face behind the metal. We're reporting live at the Waddle Dee Colosseum to find out what the stadium attendees are saying regarding this sequence of events.
Bandana Waddle Dee: “I was watching the fight with Kirby and Meta Knight when it happened. I ran towards him for a closer look at his face, but he slashed his sword at me before spinning away.”
King Dedede: “You think I ain't seen Meta Knight's face before? You gonna accuse me of not followin' through no background check on my hirin' process? Well I'll have you know that there Meta Knight sleeps with his mask on, and when I tried prying it off him he gave me the angriest look I ever seen.”
Elfilin: “I was intrigued by his striking resemblance to Kirby. I'm deeply curious as to what other similarities those two have got. My curiosity is seriously getting to me.”
Kirby: “Poyo, poyo poyo poy-yo. Poyo poyo, poyo”
We tried reaching out to Meta Knight for comment, but no one seems to know where he is. If you or someone you know has any information involving his whereabouts please contact us right away at Dream Land Daily. We don't want him feeling too embarrassed, but we'd also like him to be around before another interplanetary threat arrives.
Outside of Daisy's success, the next highest new entry is Mallow's "I'm a Psychopath", which has been lingering around the lower reaches of the top 100 for weeks. This week it's made an unprecedented jump from #55 all the way to #20. What's caused this? Well, two things - 1) it's gone massively viral on ToadTok and 2) Frog-Mart have put it in their Christmas ad.
With many songs plummeting down or even out of the top 10, the song that's managed to hold onto its position the best seems to be Speardovich's "What's My Name?" at #11 - his first hit single released under this pseudonym. Formerly known as Yaridovich, he teams up with vocalist Goomhilde to create this introspective, dark club banger about finding his new identity. It's been climbing up for a while now, so once the excitement of Daisy's album release wears off, it's looking like it'll shoot right into the top 10. Nabbit, Super Mario, and The Jellyfish Sisters will also be happy to see they've all maintained their positions in the top 20.
And finally - the first sign that the end of the year is looming - Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is Yoob" has re-entered the charts at #40. May god have mercy on us all.
But enough talk. Here's a full look at this week's Official MKCC Singles Chart.
|MUSHROOM KINGDOM SINGLES CHART - TOP 40|
|1||Princess Daisy||Is It Over Already? (Daisy's Version) (From the Vault)||NEW|
|2||Princess Daisy||Bad Chemistry (Daisy's Version)||NEW|
|3||The Pipe-Rock Plateau Piranha Plant Men's Choir||Love Parade||▼ 1|
|4||Princess Daisy||Welcome to New Donk (Daisy's Version)||NEW|
|5||Wario||I Like to Move It||▼ 3|
|6||Talking Flowers||Psycho Koopa||▼ 4|
|7||Koopa Kid||Obscurity||▼ 2|
|8||The Wonder Seeds||Four Elephants||▼ 5|
|10||Princess Daisy||Sarasaland (Daisy's Version)||NEW|
|11||Speardovich ft. Goomhilde||What's My Name?||= 11|
|12||Nabbit||I'm Easy||= 12|
|13||Professor Connect||Online Dating||▼ 6|
|14||"Super Mario" Segale||Still Pumping Iron at the Gym||= 14|
|15||Talking Flowers||(Nothing But) Heads||▼ 13|
|16||The Broodal Family||White Wedding||▼ 8|
|17||Torpedo Ted||I Hate My Life...||▼ 10|
|18||The Jellyfish Sisters||Relax||= 18|
|19||Koopa Kid ft. Red Koopa Kid||Junior League (Bowser Jr. Diss) (Blue Koopa Kid Remix)||▼ 9|
|20||Mallow||I'm a Psychopath||▲ 55|
|21||Smackerel||Love Bites||▼ 17|
|22||Macho Grubba||Fading Away||▼ 15|
|23||Ghost Rope||VERY SCARY||▼ 16|
|24||Chucksters||We're Back||▲ 29|
|25||Pink Donkey Kong Jr.||Dead and Buried||▼ 24|
|26||The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Froggy||Purple Saliva||NEW|
|27||Pipe_Dreamz||Amazing Water (Wow!)||NEW|
|28||The Rogueport Gallows||Still Here||▼ 20|
|29||DJ Khaled ft. Toad||All I Do is Bup||▼ 25|
|30||Mikhail S. Gorbachev||Pizza Hut Rap||▼ 23|
|31||The Chimp||My Apes (All Gone)||▼ 30|
|33||Tabuu||Operation, Manipulation, Deception||▼ 18|
|34||Talking Flowers||Slippery Poplins||▲ 66|
|35||Aphex Twin||Goon Goombas||▼ 27|
|36||Larry & Lemmy Koopa||Everybody Wants to Rule the World 1||▼ 22|
|37||Mar T. Robbins||Big Hammer||= 37|
|38||Doopliss||1989_daseys_verison.jpeg (Doopliss' Version) (From the Shed)||NEW|
|39||Big Scorper||Dune||▲ 41|
|40||Mariah Carey||All I Want For Christmas Is Yoob||RE|
All information accurate as of November 18th, 2023.
Written by: Legend 8
An old Magikoopa is standing on a stage in a park somewhere in the Mushroom Kingdom, surrounded by a large audience of Toads and other inhabitants.
Pyro: Welcome, my audience, to The Sorcery Show! If you don't know me, let me just introduce myself. I am the great Pyrokles, Eighth Legend of Koopa Kingdom and most skilled magical manipulator of King Bowser's whole army, heeeehehehahahaa!!!
The audience screams loudly.
The audience cheers and claps loudly.
Pyro: Then I'll tell you what: there is no such thing as magic. The only way of bending reality is to neglect logic of any kind, freeing the world from its fixed form and physics to shape it like your imagination, heeehehehahahahaaa! This is also why all Magikoopas help Bowser instead of conquering everything for themselves: it's not logical. Anyway, as long as we're here, we'll just call it magic. That is, after all, what you're all here for, and in this case reality is way too complicated. So let's just start!
The crowd cheers again.
Pyro: So, the first “magic” trick I wanted to show you is a spell of great beauty and happiness, but if you ever read the Theorema Nonlogica, you should know that everything has a certain capability of changing, even inverting completely. But see for yourself, now sit back and relax!
The audience applauds and watches excitedly. Pyro waves his staff, creating beautiful butterflies and birds out of fire that circle above the stage, fly upwards, and explode into glowing sparks. The audience gapes in awe.
Pyro rams his staff onto the stage and the fire creatures transform into scary demons that crash into a nearby tree, exploding and incinerating it instantly. The crowd gasps, and a baby starts crying.
Pyro: Oh yes you do, but thanks for the interruption, as we will now move on to a more practical aspect of “magic” - I hate this word! I will now choose a volunteer from the audience, volunteering or not. Hmmm… you, with the red hat, come here and tell me your name!
Pyro: Good, good… Are you the real Mario? No, of course not, they never are. But at least all of them are familiar with combat, jumping and falling into lava, and of course this annoying Italian accent, so you are the perfect person for the job. Stand here, please.
Pyro shows Mario where to stand on the stage, then raises his arms and encases the stage in a flaming aura. Singular blocks move away from each other and float upwards, creating a level in mid-air and revealing a lava moat beneath it. Mario's block floats to the beginning of the level, and at the far end of the stage sprouts a goal pole.
Mario jumps from one block to another, easily closing the distance between himself and the goal pole. Pyro raises his arms again, the blocks from behind start moving and fly to the front, pushing the whole level backwards and extending it. Mario keeps on jumping, but he doesn't get closer to the goal and the blocks move faster and faster, until he falls off the end and lands screaming in the bubbling lava.
Pyro waves his staff and boomboxes appear that play a Game Over sound, as the stage reverts to normal.
Pyro raises his arms in disgust, levitating a charred body out from beneath the stage.
Again, Pyro raises his staff and points it towards the Mario life. Its eyes start to glow and it stands up, staggering around on the stage. Then it does a funny little dance and juggles its own head.
Pyro: Be quiet! Well, soooooooo, I guess that's it for today - I'm off training my necromancy skills, heeehehahahaa!!! And you are invited to come to my next shows as well, as long as you pay entry, tell your friends about me and so on and so forth… Bye.
Something strange happened to me the other day. I was wandering around in that new mall that popped up out of nowhere, and I think I took a wrong turn somewhere, because I ended up going down a hallway that didn't appear on any of the maps.
It came out in this long, empty promenade - all of the shops along here were closed, some completely vacant. Nobody else as far as the eye could see, only the jaunty muzak and hum of the lights to keep me company. There was plenty of space for people - benches, walkways, scenery. Abstract sections of carpet with deceptively bright, fuzzy patterns.
After some amount of time, I finally came across a shop that appeared to be open. It was covered in cobwebs and only lit by nearly-melted candles... an empty desk sat in the corner of the room, dust-coated. And all that stood atop that was an antique bell. I had an important choice to make.
Of course I rang the bell. Why wouldn't you?
But instantly, a chill went down my spine, and a thick coat of dust rose into the air. What dark forces had I awoken? The door behind the desk creaked open, and out came...
...a middle-aged Lakitu. He was wearing a white t-shirt that said I ❤ THE 90'S. "Can I help you?", he mumbled.
I asked back, "What is this place?"
"We sell CDs. 'Compact Discs'. Albums that you can play with a CD player," the shopkeeper explained. "Or a DVD player."
"That's dumb," I replied. "It'll never catch on."
He grinned menacingly. "Oh, haven't you heard? It already has. And it will again... just like vinyl!"
I fell to the ground. "You're lying! That can't be!"
"You're sure about that, are you? Well, take a look at my stock and see what you think:"
"I've seen enough," I yelled, and swatted his hand away - scattering some of those worthless Brick Block CDs about. "All this talk of 'CDs'. Tell me what this place really is."
"Okay, but... you'll be sorry..."
He pulled a lever, and before I could react, a complex mechanism began to run. Steam billowed everywhere. Compartments opened up in the walls. Rows upon rows of CDs were replaced by kart parts, wheels and engines. Another row, replaced by... much of the same, actually. It was all just kart parts.
"That's right. It was all an elaborate lie. Of course CDs aren't coming back, they're completely redundant - but just think about the potential here! These useless discs... these are the wheels of the future! They made wheels out of sponge, they made wheels out of wood, they even made wheels out of square. This is the next logical step. Everyone's got some lying about in their car."
"But CD's aren't strong enough to hold the weight of an entire car! They'll snap."
"Oh..." He gurgled, inching towards the back room. "We'll see... We'll just have to see about that..." The door slammed behind him, and he was gone.
I lingered for another few minutes in case he came out again, but he didn't. As soon as I had stepped out of the shop, I found myself back in a busy part of the mall. I turned around, and it had vanished. The ordeal was over. Or so I thought...
As soon as I got to the car park, I made a grim discovery: the bastard had replaced my car's wheels with CDs!! To be fair to him, it does still work as normal, but now every time I drive anywhere, FOUR DIFFERENT ALBUMS play at once.
I hate my life. Thanks for reading.
Written by: Coffee
Outbreak of Illness Disrupts Planned Koopa Kingdom Invasion
Following much speculation as to what caused last week's announcement that the long-anticipated 2023 campaign into the Mushroom Kingdom would be delayed, the Koopa Troop confirmed today that the invasion was put on pause due to an outbreak of Lymestone Disease among enlisted Thwomps and Whomps. According to the Division 12 commander, Whomp King, it's believed that the division's troops acquired the infectious disease while on a training exercise in the tunnel beneath Cavi Cape, with Coalbits considered the most likely vector.
Lymestone Disease, often carried by stone pests like Coalbits and Grombas, is a well-known medical condition in living stones. Symptoms typically appear three to four days after infection, and present as high fever, congestion, moderate pain throughout the body, and bouts of dizziness. While considered a serious infection, typically lasting two to three weeks, effective treatments have been developed and Koopa Kingdom hospitals are well-equipped to treat the afflicted. With treatment such as the uninterrupted application of an ice pack and daily polishing, the long-term prognosis is positive.
In his statement to the press, Whomp King confirmed that all afflicted troops have been receiving medical care, and no long-term complications are expected. As of the time of this writing, the Koopa Troop has not publicly disclosed a new schedule for the invasion, and declined to return a request for comment on the matter.
Selling Out The Wrecking Ball with Whomper Thwompite and Realah T.
November XX, XXXX Nightly Report
Hello, this is the Wrecking Ball, and I am your host Whomper Thwompite. We are bringing you this show live from Buenos Aires to report recent developments in developments near and far.
Good evening, viewers. It has been some time since our last regular airing of this show. While the show continues to remain on hiatus for the time being, alongside our sister publication “Selling Out,” we are bringing you this special bulletin for Issue 200 of The ‘Shroom. Tonight we are covering two special auctions taking place this weekend: a new mall built on the grounds of the demolished ‘Shroom headquarters and the brand new still-standing demolished ‘Shroom headquarters. Please do not ask how that works as our special guest tonight, Realah T., refuses to reveal her secrets.
This first auction features a mall built on the former ‘Shroom headquarters, which once hosted an elaborate death game. This mall still contains the newspaper offices (their home until at least issue 300) but also features a fully functional food court, two anti-gravity racing tracks, a regular shopping area with room for small retail outlets and three anchor stores, and a fully customizable underground arena for any potential death games your twisted mind can conjure! The mall itself is comparable to Isle Delfino’s Coconut Mall with a 5,000 square foot difference between the two properties. The mall comes with ample parking and an on-site landscaping and pavement company to attend to any damages caused by loose go-carts, newspaper employees, or killing games gone awry. If patrons suffer any injuries the seller (Realah T.) is offering a comprehensive insurance plan to cover any damages and liability.
Comments from Realah T.:
This is a (coco)nutty deal! I have no doubt I’ll quickly lose track of the bids once the auction starts. It has plenty of space for retail and the coziest dungeon imaginable for sacrifices to rogue AI or the whale gods worshipped by descendants of some long-lost civilization. Frankly, it's to die for and would make a much better arena for a death game than the former ‘Shroom HQ.
Folks you heard it here from Realah T. This project is to die for. Prepare to meet in the parking lot at 3:33 AM on the dot to submit your bids. A lawyer will be present to sign over the property deed once proof of funds is provided.
This auction somehow exists in the same space and time as the previous one in a state of quantum superposition where the ‘Shroom headquarters is both demolished and not. You can make out the faint outline of the new mall and might occasionally bump into structures that are not present. Additionally, furniture and other items might appear to no-clip out of reality. Be careful when approaching them or you might end up in a dimension of endless staircases that smell suspiciously of mildewy carpet. As for the headquarters itself, it contains all the new refurbishings since its purchase by a mysterious rabbit-themed firm several years ago following a near-condemnation of the property by the Mushroom City Residential and Commercial Building Authority. The bodies have been removed and the hallways thoroughly exorcised using the latest Poltergust model. It contains a series of new offices, a freshly landscaped courtyard, a top-of-the-line printing press, a fleet of new delivery vehicles with remote tracking, a series of puzzle rooms, and an art gallery that may or may not contain a portrait strangely resembling tonight’s co-host.
Comments from Realah T.:
This property is for those obsessed with secret passageways, shifting mazes of hallways and staircases, and intrigue. While I do legally need to disclose that several murders occurred here, including a rather unfortunate death via plunger and another mysterious case involving boiled mushrooms, I am sure blood spilled here pales in comparison to the low starting price and potential return on investment for any real-estate or business magnates. It should also make for a much better death game than the ‘Shroom Mall.
Well… Realah T. I am not quite sure what to say. Viewers, in my personal opinion, avoid this auction. Something strange is going on here and Realah T. does not quite seem to be herself. No need to break reality, read issue 200 from the safety of your own home and make sure the doors and windows are locked tight. It appears some big changes are coming ahead of issue 300.
Important disclaimer: As this article was written on November 10th, 2023, neither the Wrecking Ball or Selling Out is affiliated with or has any knowledge relating to any shipwrecks, past, present, or future.
Dear Waluigi Time
Dear Waluigi Time,
Recently, I have been studying the strange effects of Wonder Flowers on various everyday objects. Upon testing on a mushroom, it suddenly duplicated hundreds of times and each new head became a Goomba. Now my lab is overrun with Goombas, and my varying pipes that used to give test subjects spew Goombas every few seconds. What should I do, as I have a few power-ups on hand?
P.S., My Venus Flytraps have become Piranha Plants, too. They're threatening to eat my dog. He and I are currently hiding in the bedroom connected to the lab for overnighters. We are scared as the Goombas are combining and trying to break down the doors. Where's a Wonder Seed when you need it?
You know the old saying, "if you're not watching The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, you're gonna turn into a Goomba"? Yeah, I know it's pretty old and filled with an incessant amount of spaghetti jokes, but you're going to want to have episodes of it playing 24/7 in your lab. That should stop the influx of new Goombas, at least. Unless the Wonder Flower changes the show to something else? Hm... Maybe you should also get corks for those warp pipes.
As for the rest of the already existing Goombas, it's a known fact that Goombas love wheat seeds and will follow you anywhere while you're holding them! (EDIT: Scratch that, I was thinking of that Minecraft pack again. Just do a quick search for things Goombas like and replace wheat seeds with whatever you find, that should hopefully work!) Then you can just lead them away from your lab, Pied Piper style.
The Piranha Plants can't move, so you should probably be fine as long as you keep a distance of at least 10 feet. To remove them, try getting some really long tongs (at least 10 feet) so you can pick up the pot or whatever they're held in and move it elsewhere. Maybe you can start a garden, or infest the yard of a neighbor you're not too fond of! The possibilities are endless!
You also may want to secure your lab better, especially if you're going to keep studying newly discovered phenomena. Just a thought.
Dear Waluigi Time,
Let's say that, hypothetically, I needed to distract the New Wikisburg City Council for an entire Saturday evening for reasons that may or may not be related to an massive, elaborate celebration that would violate multiple city ordinances. How might I go about distracting the council's members and keep them from noticing an unmissable party?
I think what you need is a cartoonishly villainous scheme! That city council will be so occupied with it that they'll be too busy to deal with your party.
Of course, it needs to be actually distracting. Tying someone to some railroad tracks is cartoonishly villainous, but is it really that distracting for city officials? Probably not. This is where I recommend outsourcing to an expert. And uh, I'm not an expert, sorry. However, I know a certain fellow who will remain nameless but he is a Goomba who wears a big shoe and he moonlights as a cartoon villain. I can get you in touch with him!
If you don't want to go the villain route, perhaps you could try advanced hologram technology! With the right projection, it'll look like there's nothing going on outside, but inside, it's time to PARTAY! WOO! I don't know where you can find something like that, though. If you figure it out, please write back to me because I would like to use it for my own purposes.
Hey there, Waluigi Time. It's me, your mean, lean, and green rival, Nitros Oxide! I've been meaning to ask you something for a few months now, and with an issue so special, I couldn't pass up the opportunity. I'm working at a Car Wash with N. Trance, Zem, and Zam, and I'm making lots of new friends, but it feels like my title of Fastest Racer in the Galaxy is becoming an artifact. It says absolutely nothing about me as an alien, and I think I should abandon it somewhere down the line.
The question is though, should I get a new title, or will I be fine without one? A lot of people outside Mushroom City and Earth don't really know my identity beyond the one who tried turning the planet into a parking lot, and I don't want to be remembered for doing that anymore! Working for the Car Wash and saving the world is a good start, but I know I can do better. So your assistance will be greatly appreciated, Waluigi Time.
- Flying into your heart at lightning-fast speed ~☆, N. Oxide.
Oh, I totally get it, everyone needs a gimmick! You don't want to just be some guy, you want to be the insert something cool here guy! And yeah, that whole parking lot thing? Not a good look. If you ever need a job that doesn't involve washing cars, you really don't want that on your resume.
There's two important questions for your new title. First, is this cool or interesting? Sure, you could carry a bunch of plastic straws in your pocket all the time and be known as the guy with a bunch of plastic straws in your pocket, but that's not cool. That's just weird. Second, can you actually accomplish what the title implies? This should be pretty obvious, if you can't do the thing then you can't be known for it. Try new things, but don't commit to anything without testing the waters first! It would be pretty embarrassing to try and become, say, the greatest guitarist in the galaxy, and then a year of practice later it turns out you're just as bad as when you started. So, know your limits and start seeing what speaks to you!
I look forward to seeing what you come up with!
Got a question you want answered? Stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page! Next month I'll be prioritizing questions for the holiday season, if you'd like to submit anything of the sort.
Hello 'Shroom readers, and welcome to the return of Our Leaders. For those of you that don't remember, Our Leaders was a special series of biographies about our glorious Koopa Troop leaders, produced as part of an effort by the Koopa Kingdom Ministry of Civic Engagement to increase the cultural understanding between the Mushroom Kingdom and the Koopa Kingdom. Although the biographies of General Guy and King Bob-omb were well received, I am afraid that, thanks to a combination of funding issues and desires within the ministry to focus on other projects, Our Leaders had to be temporarily halted. But I'm happy to report that, for The Shroom's 200th issue, the Koopa Kingdom Ministry of Civic Engagement invited me back to the Koopa Kingdom to write another biography. Since this is a special issue of The 'Shroom, they asked me to write a bio on a member of the royal family. Because of this, I asked, and was granted permission, to write about one of the more obscure members of the royal family, King Bowser's own younger brother, Blue Bowser!
The second son of King Alfonso Koopa and Queen Clawdia Koopa, Blue Bowser, born Louis Koopa, was born into a self-admittedly very privileged position. When I spoke to Blue Bowser, he told me that, as the second son of the Koopa Kingdom and not expected to inherit the throne, he was allowed to live a more carefree childhood than his brother Bowser, who endured a stricter upbringing meant to prepare him to take the throne of the Koopa Kingdom. Playful and known for his love of jokes, Blue Bowser was beloved by his family, especially his older brother Bowser. Through interviews with family's retainers, I learned that he was always able to make his more hotheaded brother smile and would often reduce their stern father to fits of laughter. The spitting image of his older brother except for his blue hue, as a teenager he dubbed himself "Blue Bowser," to the amusement of Bowser, a moniker that has stuck to this day. A self-described layabout in his youth, Blue Bowser spent his youth lazing about, skipping classes and chasing girls, much to his father's anger. Although given the military training customary to all Koopa royal family members, with this training including mastering the royal family's signature fire breathing abilities and learning the ancient art of hammer throwing (he primarily learned to do trick shots with the hammers, he told me), Blue Bowser preferred to pursue his true passion: the arts. Described by his teachers as a masterful painter and brilliant poet, Blue Bowser was always given extremely high marks for his artistic skills, but was rarely interested in applying himself to other topics.
Despite his lack of interest in either administrative or military matters, Blue Bowser still answered the call when his country needed him. During Bowser's oft-forgotten second campaign, often dubbed the Lost Levels Campaign, Blue Bowser served with exemplary dedication. Bowser, after failing in his first campaign, attempted a quick second strike, hoping to take advantage of the exhausted state of the Mushroom Kingdom's forces. Successfully capturing Princess Peach, Bowser's forces found themselves pushed back into World 8 by Mario and Luigi. Seeing his kingdom in trouble, Blue Bowser would join the fray, becoming a corps commander in the army. Described by his soldiers as a kind and gracious leader, Blue Bowser's fun-loving attitude and willingness to listen to even the lowest of soldiers brought him great loyalty from his troops. During the Battle for Castle 8-4, Blue Bowser and his men would join the defense of the castle, with Blue Bowser himself personally participating, taking a defensive position in a narrow corridor of the castle. Blue Bowser would fight Mario and Luigi to a near-standstill, keeping them both at bay with his amazing hammer throwing and fire breath. After striking Mario with a hammer, Blue Bowser told me he attempted to finish him with a fireball, only for Luigi to strike him, boosted by an Invincibility Star.
Grievously wounded after his fight with the Mario Bros., Blue Bowser, against doctor's recommendation, would return to the battlefield during the Siege of Fort 9-3. Here, Blue Bowser, whose throat had been burned so badly by the fireball exploding in his throat during the previous battle, was unable to breath fire thanks to said burns. Yet Blue Bowser, in a remarkable show of courage, ordered all troops protecting the fort to flee to the territory of World A while he held off the Mario Bros. Through my conversations with Blue Bowser as well as the troops under his command, I was told that the reason he emptied the fort was that Blue Bowser felt that the fortress wasn't a favorable location for a mass battle. Instead, he wanted to reinforce the battle lines in World A, which he considered more favorable terrain. In addition, he was looking to protect his own men from what could have been a bloody and costly siege. The veterans of the campaign that I interviewed all expressed amazement that such a high-ranking figure would potentially sacrifice their wellbeing for lowly soldiers, with many of them saying that Blue Bowser's actions dramatically increased the loyalty of the battalion. Still wounded from the Battle of 8-4, Blue Bowser was defeated by the Mario Bros., but still accomplished his goal of letting his troops link up with the Koopa Army forces stationed in World A. To commemorate the ferocity of the fighting, he would later paint this portrait of fight.
This would be the end of Blue Bowser's active participation in the Lost Levels Campaign. He would spend the rest of the war nursing his wounds in a private hospital. It has long been rumored that he fought in the Fall of World D-4, but my research indicates that isn't true. Instead, that Blue Bowser was actually a loyal Spiny attendant of Blue Bowser who, through the use of Koopa magic, was disguised as Blue Bowser in order to increase troop morale. After the war, the royal family would honor that Spiny's sacrifice by granting his family the title of Count as well as their own lands to inhabit.
Following the conclusion of the war, Blue Bowser retired from active service in the Koopa Kingdom military. Taking on the title Duke of Dark Land, Blue Bowser joined the Koopa Kingdom administration. Since then, Blue Bowser has held a number of roles in the government, from Ambassador to Jewelry Land to Director of Civil Service. Nowadays, Blue Bowser serves as a chief advisor to Bowser, alongside their caretaker and mentor, Kamek. Still known for his playful behavior as well as his famous wit, Blue Bowser is well known for bringing levity to the stressful workings of running the Koopa Kingdom, and for having the ability to still bring a smile to Bowser's face all these years later. Unmarried, Blue Bowser has also taken on the role of a beloved uncle to Prince Bowser Jr., as well as an honorary uncle to the Koopalings (whose relationship to the royal family I was unable to pin down). Considered by many to be a kind and generous duke, loyal to his family and friendly with his servants, I found him, through the time I spent with him, to be a delightfully warm figure, who, after only a few conversations, made me feel like we had been friends for years.
Blue Bowser is brave, courageous, charismatic, and an exemplary model of the values of the Koopa Kingdom. It has been an honor to have such close access to him in writing this biography. On behalf of the Koopa Kingdom Ministry of Civic Engagement, this has been a chronicle of Blue Bowser's story. I wish to thank the royal family and their retainers for this unprecedented access, and I'll leave you to reflect on Blue Bowser's legacy.
A Visitor's Guide to Baby Park
Written by: TimeTravelerToad
Good day, readers of The 'Shroom! Are you planning a visit to Baby Park? Or maybe you just wish you could go, but you read guides like this one instead to fulfill your need to visit? Either way, this is the guide for you. It's filled with all the information you need to know, like ride details, the show times, the types of tasty food you can find there, and yes, even the details on merchandise. Without any further ado, here is a Visitor's Guide to Baby Park.
You can find a variety of rides at Baby Park for the whole family (of Toads or Koopas) to enjoy. Baby Park is mainly known for its coaster made by Boolossus and Magikoopa, Toad's Wild Ride. This roller coaster features a lift hill that will make the train move as fast as King Koopa's Koopa Clown Car. The lift hill is followed by a loop-de-loop, a corkscrew, and some airtime hills. What makes this coaster stand out to many, though, is how it goes right over the race track in the park, which is actually still used for races. It genuinely isn't too rare to ride while a race is happening. The coaster's original name was Yoshi's Train Tours but, due to guests saying the name was "misleading," the park changed the design of the coaster's trains and renamed the attraction to "Toad's Wild Ride." There has been no controversy so far with the coaster's new name and the redesigned trains besides a few arguing that the ride was fine as it was.
Bowser's Ship is your classic "rocking-boat" kind of ride. You can choose which side you sit on, but no matter which side you sit on, you'll still feel that… feeling in your stomach. During select times (usually during a race), the ride will be set in "360° Ship" mode. When the ride is in this mode, it can rotate a full 360 degrees, providing a crazier experience.
The center-piece of the park is Baby Castle. In front of the castle, a statue of Baby Peach holding a Super Star is present. Once you enter the castle, there is a beautiful lobby and a hallway that doubles as a line for the motion simulator ride; Baby Tours. The queue for the attraction takes you through the castle's library, dining room, Baby Peach's bedroom, and the courtyard. In the bedroom, there is a brief video that describes the safety rules of the ride and the ride's premise on a TV. The TV's video explains that you are about to board a "Tour-Flyer 4000" invented by Professor E. Gadd. The vehicle has been programmed to follow a set course to show you a tour of Baby Park. Once you board the ride vehicle, Baby Mario, Baby Luigi, and Baby Peach are in another Tour-Flyer 4000 in front of you to guide the tour. As the tour continues, time traveling hijinks ensue and this tour turns into more than just a tour!
Almost every theme park has a haunted house attraction, and this theme park is no different. Luigi's Haunted Mansion (how original) is modeled after the original mansion Luigi fought King Boo in. Every detail is matched up exactly to Luigi's retelling of his experience in the mansion. There is no ride vehicle in this attraction; instead, you must rely on your own two feet. Use this to your advantage and make your own path if you want, instead of following Luigi's! There are many, many corridors, rooms, and hallways to explore. However, do be warned that this attraction may spook some of the young Toads and Koopas in your party.
This next ride is Yoshi's Flying Eggs. (Yes, the park used to have TWO rides themed to Yoshi). When you enter your egg-shaped ride vehicle, pull the lap-bar down and prepare to fly around! (Rhyme not intended.) The prime reason for riding this ride for many is the view you get. It isn't so high that it will get the members who are afraid of heights in your party scared, but it still is a decent view. It's a pretty simple ride, but it's great for the young. (Or weak, as the Koopas sometimes call the young.)
What better way to finish off the rides section than with a classic? The Ferris Wheel (no fancy name, it's simply called the Ferris Wheel) is self-explanatory. You hop in a carriage and get pulled in a circle until your time is up. The lighting package is cool, but that's about it. One piece of advice though is to ride while the nightly Baby Peach Parade is happening so not only will you get a short line, but you'll also get a great bird's-eye view of the parade.
There isn't much entertainment at Baby Park besides Kamek's Magic Show, so this section won't be too long. Kamek's Magic Show is a show located in the Kamek's Castle theater. No extra fee is required except if you want to sit in the first two rows. The fee for a seat in the front two rows is fifty coins per seat. Multiple guests cannot sit in the same seat, so keep that in mind. The show consists of a variety of different magic tricks performed by a Magikoopa. Some tricks require a partner and the Magikoopa will call on a volunteer from the audience, so that mixes it up. There's only one theater and shows happen every 45 minutes. The show is, in fact, 30 minutes long, so it lasts as long as you would wait in line for another ride. I would also recommend that you arrive 15 minutes before the next show begins to get a good seat in the third row if you do not want to pay for premium seating.
Baby Park only has one shop. That shop is Shop Paratroopa. This decently-sized shop has toys, shirts, hats, and other doo-dads. One notable toy is a wind-up Baby Mario that walks once it's winded-up. That toy also comes in Luigi, Peach, and Toad variants. Some of the items being sold are even inventions made by Professor E. Gadd himself! Being the only location that sells merchandise in the entirety of the park, the line can stretch pretty far. That's why there's a secondary room in the shop which is not filled with merchandise, but is instead filled with room for people to line up. During the end of the day, the line may stretch through that secondary room, through the store, and out the door. Be prepared to stand in line for at least an hour if it stretches that long. On the bright side, the park has what seems like an endless supply of merchandise so don't worry about anything running out. They restock the shelves at the top of every hour with new merchandise while the store is open. A good idea is to arrive at the top of an hour to make sure everything you want is available.
Horror Legend Announces Retirement
Horror fans were saddened to learn the news that iconic horror star Punchinello has announced his retirement from acting, announcing simply:
The greatest showman has to know exactly when it's time to go! So my friends, it is the end.
Punchinello was known as the "King of Screams" and the "patron saint of B" for his prolific acting career. A one time foe of Mario who fought against him during the Crisis of Star Road, Punchinello got his acting start as the "Mad Bomber" in Chronicle of the Seven Stars, a production loosely based on Mario's adventure fixing the Star Road. Producer Saul Edengoom sought out Punchinello, hoping that the notoriety of hiring an actual Mario foe would attract audiences and allow him to spend less on advertising. Though this was a minor role, with Punchinello having only a brief part with roughly five minutes of screen time as one of the many obstacles that "Mario" must go through, after the release of Chronicle of the Seven Stars, Punchinello would continue to appear in small roles in various B-movies. This culminated in him getting his big break, starring in Mushroom Intercontinental Pictures' classic low-budget horror title The Lovely Voice. In this star-making role, Punchinello portrayed the villain Baron Von Coffer, an aristocrat obsessed with the pop singer Catherine (played by the always delightful Birdo). The aristocrat invites the lovely pop singer to his manor for a private performance, intending to trap her inside his special-made Robo-Birdo so that her voice will belong to him and him alone. The Lovely Voice, while made on a budget of only 10,000 coins, was one of the biggest hits of its release year, grossing 350,000 coins at the box office alone, and has since become a staple of October television.
When it came to The Lovely Voice's reception, audiences especially loved Punchinello, who gave the first of his many classic performances. Seeing the positive reception, Mushroom Intercontinental Pictures locked up Punchinello in a long-term contract with the intent of making him the crown jewel of their horror division. Punchinello would go on to star in over fifty horror films under the Mushroom Intercontinental Pictures umbrella. Punchinello would go on to be one of the most recognizable names not only in the horror industry, but in the film industry in general. Film critic Roger Shoebert summed up Punchinello thusly:
Never a trained actor, but that never mattered to the audiences. A single cackle and the audience knew they were in for a thriller. A master of facial animation, armed with a high-pitched voice and a trademark cackle, Punchinello was at home in his many horror films. Always dazzling the audience with an over-the-top, overly dramatic acting style, one second Punchinello would be delivering monologues to his victims about the various ills he had suffered, and, the next, he would explode into fits of over-the-top insults peppered with his maniacal cackle. Outcasts, freaks, monsters, those were the characters Punchinello excelled at. Deranged fellows, not only prepared to kill, but gleefully looking forward to it, all the while always believing they were the wronged party. Punchinello may have not been the greatest actor, but he knew what the audience wanted. Mad men, crazed violent characters whose insanity would be hidden behind a thin veil of charm and dignity, that's what they wanted, and that's what he gave them. Audiences never tired of these performances; throughout his career, audiences, from the richest to the poorest, would flock to the theaters in order to see the newest Mushroom International Pictures Punchinello scream flick.
A self proclaimed glory hound, Punchinello was well known for his single-minded pursuit of stardom. Punchinello was famous for accepting some of the lowest salaries in the industry, saying he didn't particularly care how much he was paid, as long as he was a star. Always seeking publicity, one notable moment was a public appearance where he and Mario shook hands, "squashing" their beef. Considered one of the friendliest people in the industry to fans, Punchinello was famous for neither charging for autographs nor ever refusing to sign an autograph, as well as often carrying around hundreds of pre-signed photos of himself to hand out to his fans. This love of stardom would even cause Punchinello to turn down smaller but more prestigious roles in favor of starring in horror films, once quipping to the press, while promoting The Madman of the Mines:
Why would I deprive the audiences of more Punchinello?
Said to be a favorite of Queen Bean, which helped lead to Mushroom Intercontinental Pictures' expansion into the Beanbean Kingdom, Punchinello would make his stage debut in the Beanbean Kingdom's long-running stage series The Odyssey of Prince Peasley, playing the maniacal Lord of Bombs, a dastardly madman attempting to destroy the Beanbean Kingdom. Fans of the King of Screams flocked to Beanbean Castle Town's prestigious Hawhall Theatre October after October to see Punchinello, who famously preferred appearing in loops running in the Halloween season, bring his trademark cackle to the stage. This wouldn't be Punchinello's only non-horror appearance. While the bulk of his film credits were in horror, Punchinello also starred in the long-running Amazing Hayzee series, making appearances in three of the series' titles as Dr. Nello, a ruthless businessman attempting to destabilize the Mushroom Kingdom for his own gains. While routinely foiled by series star and namesake Hayzee, Dr. Nello proved a smash hit with fans in his first appearance, securing the way for additional appearances in the series. An icon of the silver screen whose presence brought life to every film he was in, no matter the quality of the film in question, Punchinello always brought his A game. Punchinello will be truly missed by horror fans throughout the kingdom, and his absence will leave a large bomb-sized hole that future stars of the genre will struggle to fill.
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
Rosalina’s Comet Observatory: (Insert space joke here)
Hello again, everyone! As you know, this is issue 200, the issue where everyone does something big for their section. Of course, I was racking my brain for a good idea, when I remembered I don’t have good ideas. So I asked for help, and MegaBowser64 came to the rescue. He gets all the credit for the idea of this one. So everyone, buckle up, hold on to your power stars, and let’s go to Rosalina’s Comet Observatory.
Ok, so we will be doing things differently today. Rather than looking at a location and its attractions, we’re going to see many locations, because the whole point of the Comet Observatory is taking you places. So we are going to look at some of the many galaxies in the Universe. So without further ado, The Sunshine Travel Agency proudly presents… A Hitchhikers Guide to the (Mario) Galaxy!
Good Egg Galaxy
Kicking things off, we have an iconic galaxy, Good Egg Galaxy. Travel to here is cheap, with a wide variety of planets to explore, perfect for a trip if you’re running low on cash. It does have some dangers though, like the Dino Piranha, King Kaliente, and rolling Chain Chomps. However, just steer clear of those and you’ll be fine.
Tall trees and humanoid bees would best describe this kingdom. A (usually) peaceful place, this place is known for its honey. Lots of places to relax, trees to climb, and
giant bugs to stomp huge bees to tickle much more! Plus if you’ve always wanted to be a bee (I haven’t) you can eat this furry mushroom and fulfill your life dream!
Loopdeeloop and Flipswitch Galaxy
Two tiny galaxies, these two are a package deal. You can visit both for the price of
two one! These galaxies are perfect for thrillseekers. I’m going to assume they took the proper safety precautions… Huh, I thought I heard someone screaming…
Bowser Junior’s Robot Reactor
Wait, why is this on the list?! How am I supposed to advertise a death machine?! Uh, this galaxy has a very cool, um, replica of a giant killer robot. Don’t worry, it’s completely safe. Probably. I’m not responsible for any injuries, by the way.
Sweet Sweet Galaxy
If you’re feeling hungry after visiting all those other galaxies, this is a great place to grab a snack. Lots of biscuits and cakes to eat that have been stepped on by other people. Mmmm, I can just taste the germs and bacteria!
Space Junk Galaxy
The second hand store of galaxies, all sorts of things can be found here. Looking for a gift? Check here! Need a hyperdrive? Check here! Want to see a giant wooden floating head of a beloved character? Check here! Avoid it if you’re scared of spiders though…
Rolling Green Galaxy, Hurry Scurry Galaxy and Sling Pod Galaxy
Do you like golf? If so, Rolling Green Galaxy is a giant golf course where you ride the ball along giant holes that lead into the abyss, so you might like it. Meanwhile, Hurry Scurry Galaxy is a slowly dissolving planet surrounding a black hole that you can’t escape. Finally, in Sling Pod Galaxy you get stuck to strange tree things and have to fling yourself around, and if you miss your target you will be thrust into the dark void of space. Fun for the whole family! I’m great at advertising, I know.
Prepare yourself, for the ultimate test of strength as you storm this heavily defended base to defeat the leader of the Topman Tribe! A completely unique experience, no other galaxy like it!
Bowser’s Star Reactor
This is a highly- Wait, did it say Bowser?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Bring lots of 1-ups.
Beach Bowl Galaxy
This isn’t Mario Sunshine DLC, but the relaxing Beach Bowl Galaxy! Go for a swim in the very odd ocean, or talk to tropical penguins? Uh, is this really all natural?
Bubble Breeze Galaxy
An ancient swamp with a mysterious power hidden within, explore the rocks inside a bubble, more dramatic stuff…
You think you’re brave, huh? Well, test your worth against the terrifying Ghostly Galaxy! Creep around the Haunted Mansion, solving puzzles and mastering the way of the Boo. Enter the dangerous Matter Splatter Mansion (Two mansions? We’re getting spoiled) and try not to fall into the void. Then finally battle the rocky spirit, Bouldergeist!
Buoy Base Galaxy
Prepare yourself, for the ultimate test of strength as you storm this heavily defended base to destroy the Ball Beamer! A completely unique experience, no other galaxy like it! …I’m getting serious déjà vu right now…
Bowser Junior’s Airship Armada
Hop on the airship express and go on a tour through an asteroid belt! Enjoy the finest luxuries on the Aircruiseships! Oh, is that Magikoopa trying to kill you? No he’s not silly, you’re such a jokaAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Drip Drop Galaxy
Wow, a gravity defying planet, that’s amazing! This water’s not falling! I can’t think of anything that could ruin this- OH WHAT THE MUSHROOM THAT EEL IS HUGE I WANT TO GO HOME NOW
Gusty Garden Galaxy
Wheeeeee, I can ride on a fluffy plant thing, it’s so much fun! I can almost hear an inspiring music track playing! 10/10 So much fun oh crap a giant mole.
Ever felt too hot or too cold? Well now you can feel both at the same time! Go ice skating straight into lava! Burn your friends to death with a flower! Fun times.
Dusty Dune Galaxy
Ride the wind through this desert, escaping ancient dungeons and speeding across the sand. Search for hidden coins and die of dehydration! Actually, don’t do that last one. Instead you should
drown in quicksand die of heatstroke relax.
I hope you upgraded your stamina wheel for this doozy. A challenge for the person who has climbed every mountain. Only go if it’s not raining.
Bowser’s Dark Matter Plant
Why do I have to review so many dangerous places!? Just don’t touch the black-purple stuff. There’s your vacation advice.
Oh come on! Not another water level! I’m getting tired of swimming. Cats don’t like water! Just stay with the bearded penguin. He likes playing go fish.
Gold Leaf Galaxy
Honeyhive Galaxy from an alternate timeline, this is a relaxing place for anyone who likes autumn. Beautiful orange leaves, friendly locals, and rain. Avoid this place if you don’t like autumn.
Sea Slide Galaxy
Alternatively called The Giant Floating Water Donut, this is just more Beach Bowl Galaxy. Except now you can swim with a friendly(?) and harmless(?) shark. Um, also the middle island is called Pudding Island. Look it up.
Toy Time Galaxy
Dis gawacksy is like kids room so me be a keed fo a bit!!!! Ther a seceret rom with a traiin in it!!!! And giangt murio!!!!!!! Vewy foon to vizitt!!! Go nowwe. Thes is painnfill to rit sengd hewllop pease!!!!!!!! Im gladd thatks ovor nowe!!!
*Ahem* Crap, I hated that. What kind of idiot is writing this?! Oh, wait. Uh, let’s look at this Galaxy. Yay, another dangerous spot. I’m going to say something I’ve never said before, don’t visit this place.
Bowser Junior’s Lava Reactor
DOES NO ONE LISTEN TO ME!?
Sand Spiral Galaxy
Eat questionable things, then run through a giant barrel! FUN.
Deep Dark Galaxy
Explore this forgotten cavern, housing a huge pirate ship. Find a number of artifacts to keep as souvenirs, such as the Purple Coin. Listen to the tale of Witch Kamella, if she’s not trying to kill you. Gee, people really hate me.
Prepare yourself, for the ultimate test of strength as you storm this heavily defended spaceship to defeat the leader of the Topman Tribe again! A completely unique experience, no other galaxy like it! Ha, and you thought this joke had run its course!
Matter Splatter Galaxy
Witness firsthand, the strange and mysterious phenomenon known as Matter Splatter. Trek across this dangerous path to receive an amazing reward that can be found in literally every other Galaxy! This is yet another true test of strength.
Melty Molten Galaxy
Hmm, it’s a little hot here.
Oh look lava. Oh wait no I tripped OWOWOWOWOW I’M BURNING OH GOSH OW NO WHY IS THE VOLCANO ERUPTING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Bring sunscreen and life insurance.
Snow Cap Galaxy
Finally a fun, non-lethal galaxy. Just frolic in the snow with friendly bunnies. Feel the weight of life be lifted off your shoulders as you play. Become a child again for a few minutes, with no worries in the world. Huh? No, there’s just some dust in my eyes. Anyway, back to reality…
You can fly. Nothing else needs to be said.
Bowser’s Galaxy Reactor
Boo’s Boneyard Galaxy
Well, this is sad. Just you, bones, and a cute little ghost in a racing helmet.
Rolling Gizmo Galaxy, Loopdeeswoop Galaxy, and Bubble Blast Galaxy
The final tests of strength, you will have to endure pain and bad controls, use all your stamina and strength, and you might collect every star, allowing access to a final galaxy…
Grand Finale Galaxy, AKA the Mushroom Kingdom
Well, that reward sucked. I can visit anytime I want, you know.
I’m pooped. Space adventures just aren’t for me I guess. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the Issue 200 special, and thanks for reading so far. Anyway, now I can rest- What do you mean, The Flower Kingdom? Oh crap.
I’m ba-ack! Well, that was quite a world tour; I wasn’t expecting to tour more than one world. But these things happen sometimes. Sorry that I haven’t been around to directly address you the reader these past few months - I was sort of expecting the ‘Shroom staff to write their own intros for these, but it seems they got lazy and just ended up publishing my private emails as the introductions. Hmm. No matter though! I’m back in time for Issue 200 at least. Let me explain to you everything that’s happened in the last month…
If you recall, the Mushroom Kingdom was in Waluigi Crisis Mode. Waluigi escaped into our world using a stolen portal, seemingly to cause mischief over here. Meanwhile, because of the Waluigi Crisis, the television executives docked their writers’ pay, leading to an MKWGA strike, and thus no more new television being made. Also a bunch of people were blaming me for all of this for some reason. The only thing for it was for me to return here, recapture Waluigi, and send him back to his proper dimension, as a hero.
I crossed back into our world, ending up back in the Violet Gamma Cinema Complex, where as you may remember I was bricked in. I had not remembered this, which was rather a major snag in my plans to be a hero. Luckily, I’d spent so much time in the Mushroom Kingdom I’d picked up a few of their cultural quirks, such as the fact bricks there can be easily destroyed with a simple jump-and-punch, so I was able to make it through.
Then began my hunt for Waluigi. I knew there’d been reports of him hanging out near the ‘Shroom offices, so I went there first, accidentally destroying much of the north wall in the process (it was made of bricks). I headed to the sub-director’s office and thought I’d found him, so I quickly apprehended him… only to realise that it wasn’t Waluigi, it was just Waluigi Time, my boss, who is just a big fan of Waluigi and therefore dresses exactly like him. Whoops.
But thankfully, Waluigi Time being such a fan of Waluigi, he’d been keeping tabs on his precise location. And thus with his help I was able to follow Waluigi’s trail all around the world, on yet another world tour. He went to London, Sidcup, Albuquerque, Milan, Omaha, Hammerfest, Fortaleza, Okinawa, Scotland, Kilimanjaro, Maple Treeway, Albuquerque again (he missed something the first time), Asia, Null Island, and the baggage claim at Toronto Airport, before finally I caught up with him right back at the Violet Gamma Cinema Complex. And what was he doing there? Why, he seemed to be just going back straight through the portal!
That wouldn’t do. I rushed up to him and grabbed him by the scruff of his neck. ‘Stop right there!’ I said, authoritatively. ‘You can’t cause all this trouble and then just leave of your own accord! There’s no catharsis in that narrative at all. I have to capture you and send you back myself, to redeem my image.’
‘Whaaat do you mean?’ he replied. ‘I haven’t been causing any trouble at all.’ And then Waluigi explained - he hadn’t gone into the real world to cause any chaos or shenanigans, he’d just been off on a four-month trip to film his next documentary, Wahnderlust, an experimental self-reflexive travel documentary about exploring dimensions and unpacking his own fictionality. It was just a continuation of his newfound artistic endeavours!
You know, this whole time he hadn’t even realised I’d gone to the Mushroom Kingdom in his place! There was a real mix-up - back in May, I thought I’d got his cinema to book me for my tour show, but I’d actually been emailing a different cinema in Kansas called the Yellow Gamma, whose logo is a purple gamma letter. Thing is, I thought I was in Kansas, but I was actually in Switzerland it turns out, where the Violet Gamma was, so I ended up there. Waluigi it seems was in such a rush to get started on his documentary that he didn’t even notice me coming into the cinema, and so when he bricked up the door it was to prevent other people from getting in, not to prevent me from getting out. Silly convoluted business, really.
Anyway, after he’d explained all that, he said he had to go and edit his footage, but that he’d promise to talk me up over in his dimension so my image would be fully redeemed. So I let him go, and he seems to have kept his promise - I get the occasional cross-dimensional fanmail these days from an excited Toad who fondly remembers my days performing there.
The Kingdom is out of Waluigi Crisis Mode now and the writers are back on a fair wage, though since they weren’t able to produce anything during the strike the television for this month is mostly reruns of old game shows and Yoshi’s Island episodes, with the only new content being regular episodes of Wahnderlust. Fortunately, Wahnderlust is really good. And so, for a break with tradition, here is the top ONE televisual treat of tomorrow…
All channels, 7pm
Genre: Experimental travel documentary
To a certain degree, Wahnderlust‘s success comes from being the only new thing actually on television, a lucky happenstance that has enabled its creator Waluigi to sell it to every single TV channel simultaneously without any of them complaining. But it’s also a masterpiece, a really impressive artistic creation that, in spite of all the chaos it’s caused in my life, I simply have to laud with heapings of praise. In this personal and powerful six-part sequel series, Waluigi leaves his Waluiminal Space to explore not just himself but the worlds and dimensions around him. His travels across our real world take him from Nintendo HQ in Japan to the streets of Albuquerque to the offices of this very newspaper, and allow him to make some deep and thoughtful meditations on the curious relationship between realness and fictionality, text and metatext, and self and other. If television can ever be called art, this is truly it.
Well, that’s all the quality television that’s on in the Mushroom Kingdom this month, really. Rest assured the MKWGA are busy now scribbling out their Christmassy ideas for December’s slate of television, so we’ll be back to three shows a month next month. Speaking of returns to a traditional format, this column will also return to its usual length, without the excessive introductory sections brought on by these months of misadventure. Convenient that this all seemed to wrap itself up tidily around this paper’s anniversary, isn’t it?
Do make sure you check out the rest of this bumper special issue - I still can’t believe the ‘Shroom has been running for 200 years now! I didn’t even realise Mario fans were around in 1823. Sorry I’ve been a bit too busy with all these shenanigans to properly celebrate, but I do hope regardless you’ve enjoyed the shenanigans of the past nine months. I’ll see you this Christmas to begin the ‘Shroom’s third century of existence with another edition of TV Tomorrow!
You're tuned in to Consumer Corner, bringing you the latest and greatest products from the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond.
Somewhere in the middle of... an undetermined location, a portly Italian man frantically rushes through the floors of a formidable tower. All who dare to stand in his way quickly find themselves regretting making such a foolish decision. After much trial and hardship, he finally makes it to the top to battle with the very person who has threatened his livelihood... Waluigi Time?
"What-a is this? Who are you and where's-a Pizzaface?!" the Italian man asks. "Expecting Pizzaface? TOO BAD. WALUIGI TIME!" "That-a doesn't answer anything!" "Well, I heard there was a big laser at the top of this tower and I thought I could use it against Cornelius, so I commandeered it for myself! Pretty neat business plan, don't you think?" Ignoring the cereal magnate, the Italian man looks over to see a giant pizza with a face knocked out cold. His own quest had been ended by someone else before he even arrived. "So all of this was-a for nothing?!" "Well, not for nothing," Waluigi Time says, "you seem like a guy who would enjoy a good pizza!"
Reaching into his suit, Waluigi Time pulls out an improbably large pizza box and presents it to the Italian man. "It's PIZZA TIME! We've combined the beloved Waluigi Time Cereal recipe with pizza! A combination of ketchup and mayo were mixed to form the sauce poured onto this painstakingly created pizza crust recipe, and it's topped with onions and cereal bits! Nothing compares!" Contrary to the cereal magnate's reaction, the Italian man starts fuming. "You... WHAT IS-A THIS? YOU'VE-A DESECRATED THE ART-A FORM OF-A PIZZA!" "Oh, I'd like to see you do better, Mr. Pickypants." "Do you know who-a I am? I am Peppino Spaghetti! My-a pizza would-a crush yours any day of-a the week!" Seeing Peppino's confidence, Waluigi Time gets an idea - and more importantly, an opportunity to shill! "Okay, okay, how about this. We organize a taste test between our pizzas, and whoever wins wins and whoever loses loses!" "Fine-a by me!"
In the blink of an eye, Waluigi Time reaches off the edge of the tower and somehow pulls up three different guys, and sets up the comparison pizzas. Even Peppino seems impressed by the speed with which the cereal magnate set it up, but he's not too happy about the sample group chosen... With everything arranged, Waluigi Time lays down the rules. "Alright guys, try both of these pizzas and tell us which one is the best! No pressure."
|"Pizza Time is one of the purest pieces of art I have ever seen in my time as an artist. I wouldn't touch this other one with a stick."|
|"I don't actually know what I'm doing here, but I reckon this Pizza Time is the best one."|
|"I hate pizza, see, but this cereal thing is actually pretty good! Waluigi Time's a real visionary!"|
Infuriated by the result, Peppino flies into a rage. "WHAT?! How could-a anyone with taste buds choose-a this monstrosity over a genuine Peppino's Pizza creation?!" The shocked chef takes a bite of what he believes to be his own pizza, and is... thoroughly disgusted. "THIS ISN'T-A MY PIZZA! WHERE DID YOU-A GET THIS-A TRASH?" "What do you mean? I got it from you, Peppino Spaghetti! See?" The chef and cereal magnate look over to see a bizarre, disfigured version of Peppino waving back at them. At this point, it becomes too much to take, and Peppino turns to leave, dejected. "I'm-a going home."
Waluigi Time scratches his head for a bit, then comes to his senses and turns to the camera. "See? In a taste test conducted with very cultured participants, Pizza Time won over an established, conventional pizza restaurant every time! That's why you have to try it today! Don't miss out!" As the cereal magnate finishes his spiel, The Noise taps him on the shoulder. "Hey, you're gonna pay us for saying your pizza was better now, right?" "Oh yeah, of course."
Try Pizza Time, the latest product from Waluigi Time Cereal Inc.! The iconic combination of Waluigi Time Cereal and pizza is a treat that can't be beat, now available in your local frozen foods section!
"Wahaha! Eat this or else!"
Diggin' Up Dirt
Hey there. It's your guy Spooks Booley here again, bringing you more of that info they don't want you to hear. Today I got more dirt on the Koopa clan, so pay attention, alright? I'm only gonna tell you this once. Maybe you remember the piece I did on the Koopalings a while back. This time, I got the goods on another one of Bowser's top guys, that old Magikoopa Kamek.
Turns out, Kamek doesn't actually exist. Yeah. I'm not pullin' your leg, or whatever else if you're like me and don't have any legs. You're probably thinkin' right now, "Booley, you're crazy, Kamek shows up with Bowser all the time and he hosted that one party and I saw him in a movie", yeah yeah yeah, that's not what I'm talkin' about. All those Magikoopas, yeah, they're real. Far as I know anyway. With wizards, you can't always trust 'em. But I'm going off the rails. Let's stick to the topic.
What those Koopas want you to think is that there's just one Kamek. Bowser's advisor, right-hand man, whatever. Truth is, Kamek's more of a concept than an actual guy. It's a high-ranking position filled by a Magikoopa that rotates in and out over the years. There was an actual Kamek once, back when Bowser was a little tike. Guess all these modern ones take after him. Bowser's a sentimental softie sometimes, but you didn't hear that from me.
So why do they do this? I dunno, but I got a theory. I think it's got something to do with employee retention. I mean, Bowser's gotta be a real pain in the backside to work for, am I right? Sure, you got the minions in the field who have been there for years, like King Bob-omb. But Kamek's the king's advisor, he's gotta stick with him basically all the time except for when he's flyin' this that and the other way around the Mushroom Kingdom juicin' up the minions with mediocre magic spells that do nothing besides make Mario spend an extra 30 seconds trouncin' 'em. That's a bad gig. It's not like he's Bowser Jr., I mean c'mon, the kid's his son and gets preferential treatment anyway.
There was one time they didn't do it, though. Remember Kammy Koopa? Yeah, she was actually one of the Kameks. Powerful mage, but couldn't really manage the whole Kamek shtick 'cause of her chompers. Turns out the Troop's got a lousy dental plan, and there's nothin' all the magic in the world can do about that.
So why the obsession with keepin' up the image of just one Kamek? I think there's gotta be something goin' on with popularity rankings or uh, merch sales, I dunno. Even tyrants gotta keep up their public image, it's gotta be a bad look if your highest ranking advisors keep quitting every other Tuesday.
Who knows how many Kameks there truly are. Next time you see Kamek, he might not even be the Kamek you saw last time. Or maybe he is. Some of them could stay in the position for years, others for just a few weeks. Anyway, now you know the truth. Stay sharp.
The Big Cheese is Baaack
Got 199 Issues And Meet Another One
Thud. Thud. Thud. The myth of a good night's sleep is further debunked once more. This noise probably means some brats debunked from their bunk beds and are now committing the usual gremlin acts at 1:00 AM. ONCE MORE. I grab my staff and attempt to get out of bed. I succeed and don't face plant in a humorous fashion. I walk out of my quarters, prepared for the intense battle of chewing out the youth. Before I can go downstairs to verbally berate minors -- PLOD. PLOD. PLOD. I overhear the characteristically loud footsteps of milord. Seems like he's going to deal with them. Ohh sweet bed chamber, we'll be reuniting sooner than I thought.
Kamek: Sniffle, sniffle, boo hoo hoo…. Hoo hoo…. WAAA–
???: Shut up!
I'm suddenly held up by the cap.
???: What are you crying for?!
???: Ah, Kamek, you don't need to cry. You've got those and I'll gladly show you!
Kamek: Your nastiness, these children are maddening.
???: Not as much as you! Not as much as this!
His angriness gestures down the hallway. I can still feel the impression of the rim of my glasses from where that ball collided, but the sight comes into focus as milord provides his own dramatic sting.
Bowser: Bum bum bum!
Kamek: Was that necessary, your musicalness?
Bowser: Hahaha, dude, the guy JUST fell down too!
Some new sound rings out down the hallway, a series of thuds. His cruelness guffaws as some other sap takes their own tumble down the stairs. I don't lift my head as he lands, but I recognized his voice. He's one of those hires in the castle staff, some Koopa named... ugh, my mind's too clouded by pain to recall.
Bowser: Bam, bam, bam! You've got to be stupid!
???: Ergh, no bow seer. I yam COPPA. A Kooper, the super copper cakey topper.
???: Ugh, Koopa, I mean. I'm a Koopa, um, I'm thinking, so I guess I am. I was hurt, so I feel even if I wooooould rather not right now.
Koopa: You've got something to call I think, Doug.
The good-for-nothing faints just because of one fall down the stairs. What kind of staff are we hiring that they don't even know who they are, or the name of their king? The state of our education syst- uggghhhh. My bones still ache. Better get his confusedness to do something...?
Doug?: Eh? A call? Wake up and explain, Troopa!
Kamek: Bowser, hospital...
Bowser: What? We don't have those?
Kamek: You are so healthcareless...
Bowser: Now that call... Oh, I know!
Plod. Plod. PLOD. Again. His inspiredness runs off somewhere as I, his dutiful servant since he was an egg, lay on the ground in pain. Ohhhhhh, my bed... how I miss you, my bed chamber...
Vid: Alright, so, I'm an interviewer. I live in "New Wikisburg", I work in a closet, I'm hungry. I'm out here in the "Koopa Kingdom" , a melting hellish landscape, there's like a McDonald's by 8-2. I'm not that desperate though, rocks are kinda edible right? I'm in-front of Bowser's Castle's gates again. Yeah, again. Bowser is a kidnapper that commits arson and he's participated in the Olympics a few times. I interviewed him waaayyyy back, yeah. Y'know I think these are edible. Hngrfh, grnfh.
A figure approaches Vid, shuffling towards the castle.
???: Well, now the castle will finally be at peace for once.
Vid: Peace? What? Lame.
???: Ah! The dairy saleswoman! Begone, his nastiness is lactose intolerant!
Vid: Kammy, you think I don't know about Bowser's Inside Story?
Kammy: Listen to me goat, I'll tell you this once, ignorance is bliss. So keep away from the castle!
Kammy grabs her broomstick and hits Vid with it like a hockey puck. Sending her (cheese) rolling to the castle gate.
Kammy: This is why I'm never invited to the sports games...
Vid finally stops with her face on the floor. She stands up and dusts herself off as another figure walks into view, joining the assembly outside the gates with a conspicuous box on his person.
???: So, friend of his?
Vid: Pizza of his?
Pizza Delivery Goomba: He called me again today. Yeah, again. It's like the tenth one today dude. He's driving me nuts making me drive all the way over here. My life is like a video game, I'm trying hard to beat this stage, all while I'm still collecting coins.
Vid: I'm suddenly nauseous.
Someone's shouting interrupts the conversation, yet another figure - no, two figures, this time - cloaked in medical garb, rushing up to join the waiting group.
???: Wii U Wii U, do not worry ma'am, the ambulance is here!
Vid: Ambulance of his?
Paramedic Paratroopa: No, we're from the kingdom next to here. Kamek called again. If I were to check our tally... Hey, this is his 200th call! This month!
EMT Unagi: *Gnashing of teeth*
The gate swings open. A large spiky figure walks out holding a tiny droopy figure on its open palm.
Bowser : This is an emergency! Slowpoke.
Bowser snatches the pizza box from the Goomba's... Wait. Behind Bowser, Kamek drags himself forward across the ground, offering a weak greeting while Bowser takes a headcount. The EMT duo were expected, and so was the pizza Goomba, and Kammy was slipping into castle, but... wasn't there some extra here?
Paramedic Paratroopa: Yeah.
Bowser: I smell a hound.
Bowser: The goat!?
Vid: A goat?
Bowser: You're the goat!
Vid: Yeah, baby.
Kamek: I-I don't want to move my neck, is that the interviewer from last time?
Vid: My sources say, Bowser, that you know a person named Cabraphobia and have taken it to a therapist.
Kamek: Oh, yes. She's the interviewer. What are you curious about, filth?
Vid: The fact you didn't drink more milk.
Kamek: Get my staff.
Bowser: Oooh fight, one, two, thre--
The Investigation Begins
Common sense, uncommon as it is, prevails. The medics load Kamek up, Vid and Bowser watching them go, while the pizza delivery Goomba wanders off.
EMT Unagi: *Chomp Chomp*
Paramedic Paratroopa: Idiot, you could've LITERALLY thrown your hands if you didn't fall flat on your face in an embarrassing manner.
Paramedic Paratroopa: Not Koopa Kingdom Hospital sub-hour speedrun go.
EMT Unagi: Vroom vroom.
The ambulance car speeds off and smashes through a hill.
Vid: How'd he break that many bones?
Bowser: He got hit in the face with a ball.
Vid: Tsk, a major case of sphere pain, I haven't had that in years.
Bowser: Well more like he got hit in the face and he fell down a flight of stairs-pain.
Vid: Can't relate.
Bowser: Heh heh, well I know there's someone who can.
Bowser: Why don't you have a look for yourself?
Left alone, the two walk into the castle. Vid has a case to solve, and it's not getting solved waiting around outside.
Vid hears a very fast spinning sound and turns her head to see Bowser's shell coming towards her.
She jumps out of the way and the shell skids to stop. It begins to spin on its bottom. Then it halts and Bowser's head and limbs and tail withdraw from the shell.
Vid: What the he--
Bowser: Okay, so last I saw him, he was around here crying about whatever.
Vid: Man, if I got hit by that shell–
Bowser: Yeah that's it! A shell.
A Koopa steps into view, castle staff, clearly, and a bit of an oaf, from first impressions.
???: A shell I don't have...
Bowser: Cry a river, Henry.
Henry: *Sniff* I already have. After falling down these stairs. My missing shell, I don't know what happened.
Bowser: You, uh, fell and lost your shell.
Bowser: Well he's lucky he lost his precious thing, someone absolutely demolished mine!
As Bowser gestures, Vid looks right to see...
Yikes! If that weren't a story to follow up, Vid had never seen one before!
Vid: Another scoop!
Vid: ...Need help finding that shell, sir?
Henry: Not from you.
Vid: Want to find the person who wrecked your car, Bowsir?
Bowser: Yeah! Cuz I've got more than a few words to give'em.
The Koopa King swings his fist.
Henry: Just call the Koopa Kingdom cops or something.
Bowser: No. The Kops!
Bowser: It- I- It makes more sense on paper. Probably.
Bowser pulls out his phone from somewhere and calls. Soon, two blue-clad officers pick up the line.
OFFICER KOOPA: Good you called, sir. An ambulance vehicle had just successfully pulled off a bomb clip at 8-2, through the local McDonald's. We're on its trail.
OFFICER BOO: She's gonna pull off a sub-one hour run, bro.
OFFICER KOOPA: The vehicle has found itself at the Subway nearby--
OFFICER BOO: THEY'RE GONNA DO A BLJ OFF THE BLT!!!!
BOTH OFFICERS: AYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Bowser hangs up, cutting off a nearby massive crowd's cheers.
Bowser: No use... I'm totally missing out. Ugh, the speedrun's gonna be over by the time I'm there. No, I have technology, to the clown ca--...
Vid: Bowser's trusty vehicle is SOON to be reported to have been vandalized and set aflame.
Vid: And the vandal is SOON to be found with the assistance of the GOAT's investigative skill!
Bowser: Y'know what? No problem with that! Get to work! Do something! Unlike another person I know.
Vid: Now you're with me.
Scoring a case under the Koopa King himself, Vid pulls out a clipboard as a dejected Henry walks away. She would find the culprit of this heinous crime against royalty or fry trying! Because, if she failed, Bowser would probably flame-broil her.
The Case begins
Vid: So, when did you find the car wrecked liked this?
Testimony: Bowser Koopa
Very very early this morning. I woke up because I was hearing this annoying noise. Sounded like crackling. I got outta my bedroom on the 2nd floor and looked around. Saw Dave run down the nearby hallway. I stood for a moment to listen for where the sound was coming from. While I was standing, I saw Lemmy roll into the room on his ball. He came out from the same hallway Dave went in. The thing was out of control and he slammed into a wall and bounced back into the hallway. My ear holes finally figured it out; the noise was coming from the floor below. I headed downstairs and then looked to my left to see MY RIDE ON FIRE!!! Then I heard some really loud thuds from upstairs. Then I heard screaming that sounded like it was getting closer. I stepped aside from the staircase and looked up to see Kamek falling down step by step. I picked him up and he started whining about whatever and then I heard a BAM, BAM, BAM. And saw Henry down on his stomach. With his arms out in-front and his legs stuck up in the air. It's like he got pushed by something or someone. Then he got up and started babbling about some nonsense then said something about a call. So I ordered a pizza and Kamek chewed me out like one. He grabbed my phone and called 911. And you know the rest.
Vid: Okay. What is a Dave?
Bowser: Dave man, Dave.
Vid: What does he do? Why is he here? Why is he in your home?
Bowser: He's like the Dave of the castle. He acts like some sort of... Security guard or whatever? I didn't even hire him, I don't pay him, he just inserted himself into our daily castle lives one day.
Vid: And you have no problem with that?
Bowser: No. Actually, why am I letting this guy--?
Vid: Wowie, you're so cool for that! Never stop letting random people enter your home without explicit permission! Forever.
Bowser: ...Bwahaha! Yeah I'm gonna keep doing that.
Vid: Hehehe... Many scoops for me.
The duo go upstairs.
Vid: This castle only has two floors? Sheesh, how come it looks so enormous outside?
Bowser: Sometimes there's a cannon over there, occasionally a bottomless pit here. You never know how this maze will look each time you walk in. A lava pool can become a cafeteria, a cafeteria can become an obstacle course. My minions are ordered to constantly renovate this place. It used to just be to confuse my enemies, but now I'm as confused as they are. So many have gone missing in these halls.
Bowser: Yeah, so there's the door to my bedroom and the door to my wizard dad's right next to it.
Vid: Kamek woke up because of some loud noises. He then somehow ended up falling down a staircase because he got hit in the face.
Bowser pulls out a large, primarily-orange ball with a star pattern.
Vid: By that.
Bowser: Lemmy's that.
Vid: That we found lodged between the ceiling and the top of the stairs.
Bowser: Lemmy's that, which we found.
Vid: This that's, so the kid has to be on this floor.
Bowser looks down at the ball.
Bowser: It's a parent?
Vid: Well he wasn't on the first floor, I'd say it's pretty obvious.
Bowser: I'm confused…
Vid: So he popped out of that hallway earlier today yeah?
Bowser: It leads to his room.
Vid: Well there I go--
A voice rings out before Vid can head down the hall towards Lemmy's room, a new figure stepping forward to block her way.
Dave: Hahahaha! Don't move.
Blocking Vid's way is a Koopa, a Koopa with messy brown hair and silver eyes. Now don't let that AO3 esque-description fool you, he isn't particularly pretty. Something about his aura emanates pure malice, ill intent, enough that it strikes fear into Vid. Pure evil, everything about him screams it! He would set your house on fire and then drive through a field filled with puppies and unicorns.
Vid: Who are YOU?
Dave: Dave the Dave, hahaha.
Vid: You're a Dave? That's a profession?
Dave: Well... BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! It's more like a hobby, yes, a hobby.
Vid: Such a shady fellow.
Bowser: Buddy, what was your deal this morning?
Dave: What deal?
It was time for another impromptu interview!
Vid: Earlier today, before Kamek's incident, you were seen running down a hallway. The same hallway you're blocking right now.
Dave: Who isn't running around these days, eh? Exercise, ma'am.
Vid: If you don't explain yourself, I'm gonna exercise my right to harass people into submission.
Dave: You don't have that right.
Bowser, standing behind Vid, glowers at the Koopa and flares his nostrils.
Dave: He has that right. Fine, I'll cough up.
Dave: I was woken by a sound. The sound of something hitting against my bedroom door.
Vid: He has a bedroom?
Bowser: No, he doesn't.
Dave: Heh heh heh, I was sleeping inside the closet of another person's room. I sneaked in and opened the thing and saw a note. "Come on downstairs for a surprise." I took the paper and ate it to conceal evidence.
Dave: I hate evidence, evidence being so evident, it's disgusting, shameful. You must leave no trace!
Bowser: Hold on... That explains my open door.
Bowser: Did you literally say--?
Dave: So after I ate the paper, I went out of the room to find the person who left it. I saw a little Koopa boy playing with some orange bouncy balls and walking down a hall. I ran towards him at top speed and pounced on the lad. He began wriggling and tried to shout, but I managed to shut him up. I started berating the boy for making so much noise, for I knew that he must have been the one hitting the door with his sphere. Always jump towards conclusions, literally if possible. The child kicked me in the jaw and made his escape and I chased after the brat. T-then stuff happened and that's it.
Vid: Not good enough.
Vid pushes Dave out of the way. She runs down the hall, with Dave scrambling to catch up.
Bowser: Get out of the–
Bowser's shout travels down the hallway like a freight train, the rumbling tripping Dave up, but experienced reporter Vid makes it to Lemmy's door just fine! While Bowser deals with Dave, Vid knocks on the Koopaling's door.
???: Knock knock.
Vid: Who's there?
???: You need better glasses.
Vid: I'm just fine, I can clearly see you're full of b–
Bowser: Lemmy. ...how?
Catching up and seeing the Koopaling for himself, Bowser growls at Dave, now caught in his grip, being dragged along by the Koopa King. Flames lick at his lips as he scrunches his face into an angered scowl.
Dave: S-stuff happened!!
While Bowser glares at Dave, Vid goes into interview mode with Lemmy.
Vid: Dave's left an, um... Hole in his testimony, would you care to fill it in?
Lemmy: I'm no construction worker. You need better--
Vid: I'm FINE, what were you doing earlier this morning?
Lemmy: Hmm, so I woke up cuz I heard–
...Some sounds. I didn't really care about finding out where it was coming from. I obtained orange spherical objects to play with from my room. I bounced along out of the hall on a ball and I saw two people chatting or something. I didn't care to butt in, so I kept going along. Then I stopped to play around a bit. I was being super quiet and being a playful youth until I got tackled by a fully-grown Dave. I scrambled and kicked my way out of its grasp. I then began to bounce back to my room, but then the Dave began chasing me. Soonly enoughly, I hit a dead end, my room. The vicious, somehow brown-haired beast pounced again. I managed to dodge the attack and it slammed head first into the door behind me. It left a crack and it instantly began to freak out. I started bouncing as it slowly began to regain its composure. I thought I was pretty far away from the guy, but then I looked back and saw it on all fours running on the walls. I can only pull off stuff like that after dessert. I was so shocked I lost control of my ride. I tried to balance myself but I failed. I slammed into a wall in-front of me and I was sent flying back and made a brand new entryway for my room! And I fell unconscious for like... a few hours?
Bowser: Only way you'd get any sleep.
Vid: So what about you?
Bowser makes his quip as Lemmy concludes his story, while a now suspicious Vid narrows her eyes and pokes Dave.
Dave: Disgusting, vicious, violent creature. Have you no dignity?
Vid: I have a teeny bit more than you. Some would say that's concerning for both of us.
Dave: Okay okay, so I h-hunted him down and a mess was made. I ducked as he flew back to his bed and I looked back. I saw Henry and, uh, whoever run past me. I then hid away in a corner of the hallway for most of today.
Bowser: Why would you do that? Why would you leave that out from the testimony?
Dave: Leave no trace! I'm totally AWFUL!! I am profoundly ashamed of my every blunder. I know you are too, you may fire me.
Bowser: I never hired you, but, since you implied I would need your permission to fire you...
Bowser: You're hired as my official Dave.
Bowser: Now, you're fired.
Dave: It was pleasant not working for you sir.
The Koopa spits on Bowser and slaps his face, before pulling out a business card.
Billy: Here's my business card. Billy, professional Dave. If you ever require my services, you don't.
Billy backflips down the staircase, leaving behind a Koopa King too dumbfounded to be furious and a goat. A thud and a crunch ring out seconds later.
Bowser: Kind man, I might need him one day when I don't.
Vid: He didn't tell us who whoever was.
Billy: M-My bones...
Bowser pulls out his phone as Dave whines from the floor below. He and Vid exchange glances.
Bowser: Pizza place.
Bowser calls 911.
Paramedic Paratroopa: Yo this is like your first call dude! That's awful, we're pretty busy right now with a patient and a possible world record. We're going through this field of puppies and unicorns AND-- Oof. Uh, we've punctured a couple wheels and it's losing us some time. So uh yeah.
The Paratroopa hangs up. Though Bowser seems awfully pleased with things, Vid... does not. She looks vexed. One mystery had been solved, but that wasn't the mystery they were chasing after.
Vid: Well, I guess that means one thing.
Bowser: I can catch the speedrun if we're lucky.
Vid: I was never a good guesser. It also means we've got to find this whoever ourselves.
A puff of smoke appears out of thin air.
Kammy: Assistance needed, your nastiness?
Bowser: Nah not that, I just need help.
Kammy: Oh, of course, haha, what for?
Bowser: Hey Vid, I need help.
While Bowser looks to Vid for guidance, the goat, acting on a hunch, walks up to Kammy, eyeing her suspiciously. It was getting to be about time for another interview...
Vid: Can you provide a testimony for earlier today?
Kammy: Oh of course, you foolish buffoon.
Vid: Well, fine then, may you?
Testimony: Kammy Koopa
I got out of my bed chamber because of all the racket last night. I stepped outside to find the nuisance making the loud sounds. My bedroom is located in the singular hallway we have today. This castle is a magical horror to behold. So I arrive at about the middle of the hall when I just so happen to come across Henry. He said he got a letter from someone and was told to come here. I then began questioning him and from the corner of my eye I saw Lemmy pass by. Suddenly, Henry began running away for no apparent reason and I chased after him. Lemmy's big bouncy ball was blocking the way out of the hall. So he kicked with all his might and sent the thing blasting. It hit poor, poor Kamek right in the kisser, HA! Erm, sorry, the physical comedy, pfft... Then he was sent flying down the staircase. Then that wild Henry, he leapt down too! And that's it.
Bowser, eager to get going, claps his claws and grins.
Bowser: Well, that wraps up the mystery.
Kammy pulls out her magic broom and shoots out tiny fireworks.
Vid: Watch the fur and the carpet. Well, now we know who "whoever" was.
Bowser: That's it, right?
Vid: But where's Henry's shell?
Bowser: Just got lost somewhere I'd guess?
Vid: We know that as a fact already.
Bowser: We're no good at this.
Vid: And there's your clown car still unsolved.
Bowser: The car's on the first floor and no one was down there during that period of time except the broken bone club after falling.
Vid: It couldn't be Lemmy or Henry or Billy.
Vid: The broken bone club didn't report seeing anyone come downstairs. You didn't either.
Bowser: Dunno, let's ask Henry for a testimony, it's the only lead we've got.
Vid: But he doesn't remember anything after his fall.
Bowser: Ugh, maybe someone's a teleporter or something.
Vid: Some dastardly magician popping in and out, enacting their plan unseen?
Bowser: Yeah, magic.
Vid and Bowser glance at each other again, an awkward silence filling the space as they slowly turn their gazes to Kammy. The aged Magikoopa begins to sweat.
Vid: Culprit found.
Vid: All the criteria met.
Vid: You're the only one who could've been on the first floor!
Kammy: It could've--
Vid: You just teleported from the first floor to this one. You went from spot to spot setting up your plan today. Placing notes.
Kammy: I couldn't have set the car on fire! I don't have any kind fire spells or lighters--
Vid: Those fireworks you just used a bit back.
Vid: You set the car aflame with that spell of yours. That note, you're the one!
Kammy: Fine. Fine, there's no one else who could've done it, I admit.
Bowser: WELL HERE'S A MORE THAN A FEW WORDS!
Bowser grabs her wrist and pinches her hand.
Kammy: Ergh, mild discomfort.
Bowser: Why'd you do it?!
Kammy: So you'd finally kick out that Dave. I tried setting him up but I failed. Because Henry and Lemmy threw a wrench into it all. I tp-ed into Lemmy's room and obtained some of the many toy balls in his room. I bounced one against Bowser's door and left note one then teleported back to the room hallway. Then I teleported to Henry's door and left a note at his step and knocked. I teleported to the clown car garage and set the car aflame. Then I teleported back to the middle of the room hallway. Henry was there and that's when I explained to him what I was going to do. Lemmy passed by and slammed into the wall and was sent flying in the air. That was when Henry ran and I followed suit. His way was blocked by the giant ball the Koopa kid left, and in desperation he kicked it. He sent the ball straight towards Kamek's face and sent him to a very painful fall. Then as Henry watched, I thwacked him with my broom blasting him out of his shell. You can guess the rest. That Dave, inserting himself to everything, acting so important. Being a total nuisance and garnering everyone's attention…
Vid: Where's his shell?
Kammy takes off her cap, revealing...
...a shell underneath.
Bowser: Was it worth it?
Bowser: O-Oh for-- you WRECKED MY CAR for nothing!?
While a new set of fireworks, courtesy of Bowser, and less whimsical than Kammy's, erupts, a satisfied Vid walks off from the scene.
Vid: So that's how it all closed up. Henry got his shell back, Bowser's car was still in ruins, and he was left with multiple people with broken bones in-front of his staircase. A pretty happy ending for me though!
Bowser: OoOoOohhhh boy... Such a long distance... to run.
Paramedic Paratroopa: Oh hey. Run's dead.
Bowser: How'd you get stuck like that?!
Paramedic Paratroopa: Poor career choices.
Written by: Merlthazar The Oracle
Celestial salutations once again! In the space between where there was (a deadline) and where there was not (a timely submission), we meet in festive spirits! To readers new, or readers who have deliberately tried to forget, I remain the ever-contractually-obligated Merlthazar, Oracle of the Stars, residing at the end of the universe, and seemingly forever at your cosmic service, whenever the stars align to fix my spotty tele-orb communications. To readers faithful, one may recall it has been many moons since our last meeting. It's a delight to see the stars have treated you well, or well enough, to meet with destiny like an unwanted gatecrasher at the party of the year, ohohohoho...
...oho! I seem to have misplaced my invitation for this issue. No matter, I'm only one cosmic oracle. It should be fine to just let me into the celebration posthaste, without giving any horrorscopes! Please, do be hasty and allow my projection in, reader, I sense plenty of exquisite party food in your realm.
Truly, it is only I this time!! The starchild you see in my easterly visage is most certainly not a reflection upon my divine creator's loss of the .kra file that held my likeness, but rather a plush toy fished out of a bargain bin from a recently opened megamall. One can briefly recount their tale for you... if you'll just... let me in... Oh the food is almost completely out. Blast!
Hmph, fine. Avert your leery gaze, perpetually gatekeeping, stone-faced reader, for I shall give you a truly prophetic reading of the stars. One to sustain you for many cycles. For your brick wall imitation, this will come at a dear price, however. 12 horrorscopes, in exchange for 12 party sandwiches cut into cute little triangles. Be warned, this is a most sacred cosmic pact, and the stars have now officially declared "no takesies-backsies"!
And so we begin. Look behind you.
Our constellation for this occasion is Eunoia Mycelius, a cluster of stars in a foundational area on the celestial sphere that most oracles hold in veneration. Here, astral bodies voluntarily fill positions that uniquely link them together through the dimension of time. In other words, these stars are quite special. Together, they perform an annual messaging ritual that resonates across the universe, governing the movements and energy of many others to achieve this. That may sound unimportant, but in truth, this ritual broadly maintains the very fabric of reality in which you and I meet.
Ohohoho, if that's not worth 12 sandwiches!
In this corner of the night sky, positions are filled within Eunoia Mycelius until the stars holding them move on, burn out, or rarely, get excised by group impeachment. Some occupy multiple positions, rotate between them, or even share them, so the number of stars varies over time, but the constellation's general figure always remains in tact. Any oracle worth their mustache would be able to attune themselves to this point in space and move along the fourth dimension, observing a myriad of entities shifting around to uphold this ancient formation's existence. Many of its former stars sometimes continue to provide background support after moving away. Sometimes, they move further out, and depart for different galaxies entirely, only returning for special cosmic events. Occasionally, they even fade slowly into the depths of space, unreachable, until the end of all time. There is a rich and varied history behind this constellation, and it continues to output reality-maintaining 'powers that be' roughly every... month. Ahem.
Eunoia Mycelius remains ever bright, and its visage has only become grander as the cycles have passed. Surely, if there ever were a time where these stars would not come together, and maintain their upheld formation, we would never be able to meet in the present again. Perceiving such an event is, fortunately, outside of my abilities. Knowing too much can be as much a burden as knowing nothing at all.
Speaking of, my all-seeing eye has been suffering a little cosmic hay-fever lately, but luckily, these promised horrorscopes will be the saline spray needed to unclog your nostrils of fate and send destiny metering forth like a leaky faucet. In terms of burdens, I hope that image stays with you forever.
Like a clock strapped to a castle guard walking their rounds in a highly predictable and avoidable pattern, time moves onward, and yet remains oddly cyclical. While my words have been long and rambly, our meeting in this doorway to the party of fate can only be brief, dear reader. I leave you with the horrorscopes and lucky sandwich readings below, and take no responsibility for what happens if you follow their advice! Be sure to rest and reflect on the journey you've experienced these last 100 months, before you move onward to the afterparty of whatever. Wherever the branching paths of fate carry you next, ohohoho! Right now, they're taking me to the kitchen for a bit of extra mustard. And perhaps a big pickle, as a treat. If you'll excuse me...
|March 21 –
|If you're looking for an opportunity to enhance your life, rejoice, for your HD remaster that is sure to upscale your assets and smooth out all the edges you didn't even know needed smoothing will come soon enough. While the changes are mostly positive, you will always feel kind of nostalgic for the original's mediocrity. Your dialogue will also be slightly different and many people will inevitably be mad about this.|
Your lucky sandwich: Caprese Panini
|April 20 –
|Can't keep up with the rising cost of mortal existence in your domain? Fantastic career opportunities may await you in neighboring kingdoms! With the power of Wonder, you can combine your real estate and career and become a large castle with a face! Unfortunately, this horoscope became a mess of implications the stars have advised me not to pursue any further.|
Your lucky sandwich: BLT
The Greater Banana
|May 21 –
|When faced with difficult decisions in life, it's often best to pause and create a quicksave. You can always come back to it later if y- oh... is that option unavailable in your version of reality? I advise you to update to the latest firmware patch then, but surely, you don't need me to tell you how to do that too, ohohoho! |
Your lucky sandwich: Corned Beef on Rye
The Gold Digger
|June 22 –
|You may find yourself overcome by an urge to exercise in the upcoming holiday period. You may wish to start with some easier forms at first, before transitioning into abstract freeform dance and guttural wailing.|
Your lucky sandwich: Tuna Mayonnaise
The Saddle Bearer
|July 23 –
|As the year draws to a close, Yosio starsigns are warned to seriously not commit to any large non-profit projects for the foreseeable future. Oh my stars, think of the relaxation you could achieve over the Winter period! Living your life to the fullest, and catching up on all those Games you keep buying with no time to play! Ohohohohoho... alas, impending doom is certain.|
Your lucky sandwich: Egg Salad
|August 23 – September 22||You will be faced with some of life's most difficult questions in the months ahead, and must answer them with honesty. Questions such as "What are you doing in this abandoned mall?" and "Stop! Why are you running!?"|
Your lucky sandwich: Experimental Improvised Parkour on Flatbread
|September 23 – October 22||Harvest sales and solstice celebrations remain visible on the horizon. One should carefully consider which herbs and spices to stuff one's bank account with before roasting it in the fires of impulse shopping. Koopa Banks usually don't take small diced cubes of bread as tender, but I've heard some places might trade stock, or thyme shares.|
Your lucky sandwich: Turkey and Cranberry Sauce
|October 23 – November 22||A chance encounter with a famous idol will send one down a path of star-struck reminiscence. One must not spend too much on merchandise in the wake of rediscovered memoriis, for financial hardship is- is that a new limited print? The stars are furiously whispering to me that one is totally fine and to stop being so lich-made for an oracle. |
Your lucky sandwich: Strawberries and Cream Cheese
The Inverted Hand
|November 23 – December 21||Yet another fiscal horoscope! Your future is thankfully full of green. |
Your lucky sandwich: BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLT
The Punished Maiden
|December 22 – January 19||That odd clicking noise you've recently heard while moving your hand or neck or back simply means the dormant Dry Bones trying to hatch from within you is becoming stronger. Do not fear, for late bloomers are always welcomed.|
Your lucky sandwich: Croque Monsieur
|January 20 – February 18||Amanita starsigns be happy or on dire notice, as romance is inbound. Soon, the local singing piranha plant barbershop quartet will follow you around for days on end, giving you a mystic and charismatic appeal to everyone you meet. |
Your lucky sandwich: Salmon and Cucumber x1, Salad Sandwich x4
|February 19 – March 20||ATTENTION USER Merlthazarwastaken2. YOUR 11 HOROSCOPE FREE-TRIAL OF DISCOSMOS NITRO HAS EXPIRED. COSMIC FAIL! SUBSCRIBE AGAIN TO CONTINUE USING OUR EPIC HOROSCOPE GENERATOR, ONLY 9999 COINS A YEAR WHEN YOU BUY YEARLY AND GAIN EXCLUSIVE ACCESS TO ADDITIONAL PAYMENTS FOR THINGS YOU REALLY DON'T NEED.|
Your lucky sandwich: An SSL error has occurred and a secure connection to the server cannot be made. Please try again later.
|Ah, that last one is really... um! Wow! Yes. Hm... well, our cosmic pact is already fulfilled!|
|Farewell, until another time. While I enjoy these sandwiches, go forth and enjoy the fireworks!|