The 'Shroom:Issue 103/Fake News
And, like that, Halloween is upon us once again. The Skeleton War that seemed to have died down has risen from the ground yet again; the dark whispers that once pierced the air have blown into town again; the local supermarket already thinks it's Christmas...
But while you're giving candy to your pumpkin or carving open some tri- WAIT NO DONT DO THAT
While you're giving candy to some trick-or-treaters or carving open your pumpkin (do not confuse those), be sure to spare some time to think about the true meaning of Halloween, which is probably something about Jesus or getting drunk or something.
Have a good night, folks. And remember, if somebody gives you hassle, your skeleton is always there to jump out of your body and beat them up for you.
Section of the Month
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Dippy and SMB cook up some trouble when a monster decides to eat all of humanity.
The Three Sisters
This is Halloween! This is Halloween! And there's nothing more spooky than some ghosts who mysteriously died, especially since ghosts can't actually die, so there's something strange
The Three Sisters died again only a few days ago. Local ghosts reported that the night before their bodies were found in the Haunted Towers that there were strange vacuuming noises coming from the garden, which coincidentally is where their bodies were found. The Three Sisters: Herlinda, Belinda and Merlinda, aside from having boring names, were also some very keen gardeners, for reasons that are completely unknown. I mean seriously, who likes gardening?
And now onto the interview
There was a large debate over whether The Three Sisters should actually get a funeral given that they were dead before they even died. However, after much bickering it was decided that the time had passed and they should instead be left in their current graves.
Greetings impressionable luddites! I have an announcement to make, that I feel you have a right to know. I am absolutely terrified of music. I hate my job as a critic. The thing I hate most about my job is that THE MAN forces me to refer to myself as a critic and not as a "aural culture enforcer" as I would have hoped, but I also hate the working environment. Because music fills me with a primal terror. I am actually wholly terrified by music. And there is one genre that makes me lose control of my mental faculties/bladder more than any other: VAPO(U)RWAVE. Vaporwave scares me, from the arcane Japanese characters that look like letters but aren't (oh yeah I should mention Japanese scares me, too), to the slowed down elevator muzak filled with jarring sound effects. I moved to the Mushroom Kingdom to escape this encroaching genre, but it's finally here. Now I must introduce you to a new wave. A vaporwave.
Actually that was a joke. Vaporwave isn't a real genre and never will be despite how hard people try, but since I covered Waluigi (with his primary project, the duo Recolored and Distorted) last month I forgot to give my thoughts on the accompanying bonus single by Waluigi's side-project packaged with the "Return to the WAAAsteland". Here are the press notes released along with the single:
Included in this press package is the first single from インフルエンザ's sophomore album, INF|IN|ITE, 倒れる. INF|IN|ITE, slated to be released in 2016 already has critics raving as the second coming of the Vaporwave musical genre and will boast ten full length Vaporwave tracks! The included single, 倒れる, is, "A Nintendo-themed trip through the dark horrors of our consumerist society," says creator インフルエンザ, excited for the upcoming release!
Here is my review:
But the single is free to listen to, so make your own decisions:
(This track was actually made by an irl great friend of mine, thanks man.)
The crowd begins cheering as the curtains come up. They reveal...nothing.
Meanwhile, outside of the building, we can see Nex fiddling with a door. It seems that his entrance was locked. "Well, crud. I was so used to having it UNlocked that I thought I could get in a diddly doo. But no! It just had to be locked!" Nex fires a beam of light in frustration, which burns a hole through the door. Nex shrugs and slips through, hoping nobody would connect that to him. He walks up to the stage.
"Hello, everybody! Welcome to the second episode of the Monthly Inquisition!" Nex says. A tomato is thrown at him for being late. Nex wipes it off. "Heh, hilarious." he mumbles sarcastically. "Anyways," Nex says, as he moves to his seat on the right, "for out interviewee, we have a person so fearsome, so terrible, so mind-bendingly large, that those of you with weak constitutions may want to leave the audience. A Toad gets up and yells "I've gotta get outta here!"
"Too late!" Nex shouts. "Ready or not, here he comes. Quake with fear, you mortal fools. Bow down before the awesome might of..."
Bowser crashes through the wall of the stage.
"...this huge guy who is carrying the real interviewee..."
Bowser turns around to reveal that Luigi is tied to his back.
Nex opens up the interview with "So Luigi, I know you live a fantastic life. You're popular, powerful, and even got a whole year dedicated to you. How do you think you got to where you are now?"
"Well," Luigi replies, "I'm not entirely sure when I started to become successful, but I think it may have started after I won that mansion an-"
"Wait, you won a mansion? WON A MANSION?!" Nex exclaims. "Yep!" Luigi replies, "And I didn't even have to enter a contest."
"Hm, well, if you win something you didn't even enter, it may be a good idea to just block that number on your phone." Nex states, "But free stuff is free, I guess."
"Absolutely!" Luigi says in a happy tone "Considering how I never win anything, that seemed like a really lucky break!"
"Seemed like," Nex replies, "and then ghosts happened."
"Yeah, that was what I probably should have expected." Luigi says "But it definitely worked out in the long run."
Nex asks, "I guess that's because your brother was in there and you got a fat sack of cash from it?"
Luigi replies, "Bingo! Oh ho ho ho!"
"Well, I always try to stay by his side in the good and bad, and I always wish I can be more like him." Luigi replies.
"Wow... that's deep." Nex states. "So I guess that you have quite a lot in common with your big bro."
"Yep! Hobbies, foods, you name it!" Luigi says.
"Cowarding skills?" Nex wittily replies.
Luigi fires a slow moving fireball at Nex in anger. It barely even grazes him before disappearing.
"Well," Nex says with a blank expression, "at least you didn't eat me. Anyways, that's all the time we have for today! I hope you all enjoyed the sh-"
The audience is gone.
"Oh boy, did we run it over the time limit?" Nex says. "Well, you did start a bit late" Luigi responds. "True." Nex replies.
Luigi walks out through the hole Bowser made in the wall, as a working Koopa gives Nex a check with his pay.
Nex takes a glance at the sheet and shouts "Only 57 dollars?! I'm totally contacting my manager about this!"
As it is October, the official month of Halloween, I decided to visit a spooky shop I'd only heard about through word of mouth. It was located at the top of a hill in the middle of a dark forest, and was often said to be haunted.
By the time I got there, I could easily tell why people thought it was haunted. The door creaked open before I even pushed it; at many points during my visit the walls started oozing a red substance; furniture seemed to walk around by itself... all very spooky.
Also, it was owned by a ghost. Namely, Mr. Boojangles
When I asked him about the Blood Block, he didn't seem to react. "I'm sorry, sir, I have no idea what you're talking about."
I replied, "It's clearly listed here. 'Blood Block'."
"SIR, WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE BLOOD BLOCK, ESPECIALLY NOT IN CAPITAL LETTERS OR BOLD TEXT!"
He realised his mistake, sighed, and said "Follow me."
At this point, he pulled one of the bookcases forward to reveal a secret passage, grabbing a torch. At the end of the passage was possibly the most horrendous thing I've ever seen...
Blood Blocks were stacked from the floor to the ceiling - there must have been thousands.
"A strange wizard with a large nose sold me these. He said they had special properties but...but they were just normal Brick Blocks p-painted red!" He burst into tears. "I bought them all, and now I've got nothing left! I've lost everything! Well, except my shop...and my family...and my house...but I had to give up my subscription to The 'Shroom."
This in particular outraged me. "Well, if there's anything I can do to help..."
"I might need some mone-"
"Bye." I knew when I wasn't needed, and I ran out of there as fast as I could.
"We have to cook."
God, how fantastic those words can be! Maybe a man who is planning on baking the fluffiest, fudgiest brownies known to the world whispers them to himself as he slathers the pan with butter; or, perhaps, a woman rediscovering a long-lost, seven-generation old family recipe for lasagna excitedly proclaims them as she darts for the door and rushes to the store to purchase the ingredients. There are so many different reasons a person may want to cook, and so many creations that can be crafted in the kitchen. It is an amazing thought to behold, what culinary adventures lie ahead for those who decide to embark on them.
Unfortunately, sometimes things do not go according to plan. Mistakes happen behind the burning hot stove all the time, and... less than desirable results can be attained. The food can be burnt in the oven, the water in the pot can boil over, and even the nicest people with the best intentions can do awful things.
Like SMB and Dippy, right now:
This is insAne! I know we thought this would help us Achieve our dreams, but we're just murderers now!
Yikes! You might be wondering how these two might have found themselves in this predicament. The following is an account of the brutal day that they created a monster and how it ate The 'Shroom. It all started with Dippy calling SMB over the phone, in hopes of inviting him over to do what they do best. He answered:
ThAt’s just whAt I like to heAr! WhAt do you feel like cookin'?
SMB reached for the bottle of marinade on the top shelf in his kitchen, and sat it down on the table. He waltzed his way over to grab the delicate ribs, when he heard a sudden rattle behind him, followed shortly by glass breaking. He turned around and gasped, for the entire kitchen felt like it was experiencing an earthquake. The marinade spilled over the table and SMB quickly threw the ribs onto the floor. Within seconds, the shaking and rattling stopped, and he let out a small sigh.
A bright light shone throughout the house that blinded SMB and he stumbled back into the wall. A large crash emanated shockwaves across the home and pierced his ears, as he tried to find a safe place to hide until the noise and light subsided. With the light slowly fading and the buzzing dying down, SMB crawled across the floor to his door, and opened it slowly, glaring outside at what had caused such an event. Laying ahead of him, in his very yard, was a meteor.
Because what else would it be, right?!
SMB gathered himself and stumbled over towards the meteor, shaking his head and scratching his head.
WhAt... whAt in the world...?
Shrugging her shoulders, Dippy wandered inside while SMB was still transfixed on the meteor. She made her way into the kitchen, staring down the marinade all over the counter. She turned her head and stared at the ribs on the floor. Her eyes widened while she walked closer to the delicious, raw delicacy. The ribs had been torn apart by something, and Dippy was determined to find out. She pulled apart the ribs and reached inside until she finally grabbed onto something hard. Pulling out a rock, Dippy eyed up the object and carried it outside.
Oi, uh... SMB... you might want to see this.
Dippy slid the piece into the meteor, fitting perfectly. She backed away and stood next to SMB.
Well, bloody hell.. that was uneventful.
Turning away from the meteorite was just the beginning of a catalystic chain of events. Making their way back to the house, the meteor cracked open halfway, and gradually opened. A dark portal began emerging from inside the rock, swallowing the meteorite whole and making its way over onto the grass. SMB and Dippy turned around, not realizing what they had just done. The portal stretched even more, until it finally froze. The portal rotated clockwise, while the duo approached the darkness in front of them. A hand reached out of the portal; stretching the dark void apart, the hand made its way out into the real world as the tip of a head began breaking through. A slight roar could be heard, until the creature finally broke through the void entirely. It let out a large yawn, and scratched its belly, looking around the environment until it finally caught site of SMB and Dippy below it.
A Very, Very, Very Fine House
Are we reAlly sure About this guy, Dippy...?
Dippy and SMB were caught in a conundrum of a situation, exchanging each other skeptical yet confident looks every now and then. With the marinade cleaned up in the kitchen, the duo were hard at work preparing the ribs for their sudden guest who still sat outside. The smell dragged around the house and reached outside, just as Dippy and SMB were finishing.
That smell is ridiculous, guys! I can't wait to make you guys the best there ever was, if this is any sign ヽ( ◕ヮ◕)ノ!
With the delicious and tender marinated ribs finally finished, Dippy and SMB left the house carrying their gorgeous creation. With whiffs of ribs going everywhere, Packy felt like he was on cloud nine, growing hungrier by the millisecond and eagerly demanding the food. He pointed at SMB, then the ribs, and then to his mouth. SMB, with no questions asked, picked up a piece of rib, and threw it into Packy's mouth. Packy, licking his lips as the savior taste crawled through his mouth, reached down and picked up the entire plate of ribs and forced it down his mouth.
With a pissed off Dippy and a skeptical, yet still eager SMB, the duo simultaneously roll the abnormally large creature down the road. With only squeals of playful noise and jitter being heard from Packy's mouth, Dippy's curiousness gradually grew, constantly wondering why exactly Packy wanted to go to her home.
Is this it?
Dippy and SMB traveled inside Dippy's wondrous and beautiful house, and made their way into the kitchen. Grabbing a push trolley, they loaded the entire fridge onto the trolley and made their way outside with it and its scrumptious contents. Packy eagerly anticipated whatever was inside, and did not wait a single minute. He grabbed the entire refridgerator with one hand, opened the doors, and poured all of the food and liquids into his mouth as SMB and Dippy looked on in horror. Shortly thereafter, there was no more food remaining for Dippy's household.
My, oh my... how good was that...
As Dippy made her way past Packy, he quickly grabbed her with one hand and lifted her towards his mouth. With one quick drop, Dippy was inside Packy's mouth, as a disgruntled and shocked SMB watched.
SMB sprung into sudden heroics, and jumped on top of the foul beast. He crawled onto his stomach, and began to repeatedly bounce. Packy attempted several times to swat the little annoyance away, but failed, and ultimately was forced to spit Dippy back out. She flew onto the ground nearby, as SMB hopped off Packy's belly.
What the hell was that, you monster?! Did you... just try to EAT me?!
Pie For Everyone
F–f–feed you... *gulp* ...HumAns?
Dippy and SMB had no other choice but to feed the monster that they had summoned; otherwise, they themselves would become the food. They departed the site immediately to grab the first person that they could find. Stumbling upon what appeared to be a rundown bakery, they stormed in and approached the counter. The ghostly figure, who was wearing a white sheet and a mask, seemed surprised that the little store had visitors; he proceeded to greet them:
Wow, I actually have customers!
SMB and Dippy turned away from Ghost Jam and whispered to each other:
The duo then jumped over the counter top and confronted the storekeeper. What they hadn't counted on, though, was his grabbing the scythe that he had in the shelf underneath the register. He pointed it at Dippy and SMB and demanded that they explain themselves.
Okay, what are you fools up to? You better start talking.
Ghost Jam stepped back for a second and contemplated what he had just been told. All of a sudden, he had an idea; one that would potentially solve both parties' problems.
Hm... I have an idea, one that will fix all of our situations... And not result in my death...
Perplexed at Ghost Jam's sudden willingness to help them out, Dippy and SMB were a bit reluctant at first to accept his offer; however, the need for immediate results led them to accept the deal. The three of them set up a totally original scheme: SMB would pretend to be a barber, take unwitting victims into an adjacent building as customers, and lean their chair back to dump them in a machine underground both shops that would turn them into pie filling; Dippy would then bake pies in the underground kitchen; and Ghost Jam would sell the pies in his bakery. Although some would wind up suspecting the trio of their crimes, their activities went largely ignored. Ghost Jam's ties to the administration, as well as the revenue that the uptick in commerce created, led to investigations being halted. The local newspaper appeared sympathetic to the cause, likely due to its content editor also having previously dealt with his own dragon problem. Most importantly, Dippy and SMB were able to keep Packy satisfied, which meant they were spared from being eaten. Everything was going as planned.
However, it would not be long before the two started regretting this heinous ordeal of making pie out of everybody and pie for everyone.
So at last, we return to this crucial moment, the point in time where our heroes come to a startling realisation...
This is insAne! I know we thought this would help us Achieve our dreams, but we're just murderers now!
Our two heroes decided not to go to the pie factory, and instead returned to the site of the meteorite landing hoping to grab the piece they had found, the piece that started this horrible episode to begin with. Unfortunately, said site had since been repurposed into a kid's playground...
WhAt the HELL Are you DOING?!
With a smug smirk, RandomYoshi (talk) swiped the money and ushered the two towards the meteorite. SMB knew they had to work fast, or else the sleazy bird would realise that they're up to something and surely hurl a wrench in their plans. This kind of stealth-in-broad-daylight mission required finesse and delicacy, a style that SMB had not had any time to master befo—
As the transaction was made, Pidgey handed over the same shard that SMB and Dippy had inserted into the meteorite just a few weeks ago. The two of them headed out on their way back to Dippy's house where the beast was staying, as Dippy complained and moaned the whole way there about how half her bank account had been cleaned out.
Wow, that took a long time. Have you brought my next meal, mortals? (◕ ε ◕)
Dippy, whAt the hell?!
Before the beast could explain, the worst did indeed occur, and a rift opened up from the meteorite shard. A vicious vortex grabbed the three stars of our story, as well as all random objects strewn about the area, including a Wii U, a Misha Collins poster, some cup ramen, and a sheep, and pulled them in to the swirling mass before them, waiting until the beast's fat ass was finally able to fit through before petering out, and leaving the area looking like a one kilometre stretch of the Northern Territory.
Then... there was silence. Blissful silence.
This short-lived escapade was now finally over, and the world is a safe place to live again... well, safe from otherworldly horrors, at the very least. The more domestic terrors of government corruption and corporate exploitation is still alive and well, but with a little bit of willful ignorance and professional spin doctor lies, the people of this world can remain convinced of the banality of these threats.
The 'Shroom recovered from its decimation and the loss of its beloved director, filling in the gaps of the missing writers with new, younger, less expensive talent. Meanwhile, Gabumon (talk) succeeded Super Mario Bros. as the new director, appointing his beloved undead boyfriend, Twentytwofiftyseven (talk), as his second-in-charge.
Ghost Jam and his company successfully avoided mass litigation from disgruntled families and disgusted customers alike by pleading ignorance on the actions of its employee, Crocodile Dippy. Assuring all of its patrons that the only ingredients used in their pastry goods are flour, wheat, love, and sulphur, Ghost Jam was able to avoid losing millions in lawsuits and lost profits, and every so often remembers to pay tribute to Dippy's killer legs.
Pidgey, realising the radiation emanating from the meteorite had now dissipated with the shard having been removed from it, converted it into a pay-to-enter memorial shrine to the day the world was almost consumed piece-by-piece by a fat intergalactic dragon with a humanitarian diet.
As for our three unfortunate stars? Well, they suffered a fate almost worse than death...
Thanks to MeerkatMario (talk) (Forum profile) as well as some assorted people I bugged in chat for themed questions for me to manipulate for asking questions again! As always, if you seek my flawless advice, please send questions to me on the forum, find me in chat, or if you don't care about anonymity post them on my talk page! If you would like for there to be a doodle with the response to your question, feel free to request so and I'll see what I can do.