The 'Shroom:Issue L/Fake News
Hello there, readers.
I am pleased to see you found your way to this place. This is the Jubilee Fake News, here to celebrate the ’Shroom’s special month. From when the general idea was born in 2006 until now, fifty issues have been planned, produced, and submitted, thanks to a lot of ambitious people who decided to channel their craziness into something that people might find enjoyable. There were times when this worked out pretty well, and other times when it flopped horribly and left a somewhat embarrassing aftertaste. But all of this shall not bug us now. Did you know that, while there were indeed fifty issues of the ’Shroom, not every one of those issues had Fake News? This means that “Jubilee Fake News” is a huge misnomer, since this is not the fiftieth Fake News at all. Now, some of you will now say that this is lame. I say it is perfect. Because if you think about it, what is better suited for the Fake News than a fake jubilee?
Anyway, we have a huge number of various doodads and distractions around for this issue, some of which are a Mafia/Werewolf/Whatever‐you‐wanna‐call‐it on the Forums, a survey, and all that other stuff that SMB probably talked about earlier. And while all of that is nice, it cannot replace the things that make a strong issue, and what allowed us to last this long: the content itself. That’s what we’re here for this month: Good old‐fashioned writing.
If you browsed over this site already, you may have noticed a few things that are different. My personal objective in the past month was to give the Fake News a cosmetic makeover. It is not much, but I hope it will serve to make our issues a bit more colorful, as well as more appealing for both readers and writers. I have also assigned new names to most of our current sections, to give us the opportunity for a fresh start into the next fifty issues of the ’Shroom (that might or might not exist). I also substituted as a writer for some sections that currently have no writers, to make this incarnation of the Fake News as rich as possible.
So, to summarize everything I just said in a short statement, which I admittedly could have done in the first place to go easy on your nerves, although I have no idea what you’re doing here if you’re afraid of reading: This issue is gonna be big. Really big. We hope you will enjoy reading it. And a happy ’Shroobilee to everyone.
On Thursday, 5/XX/20XX, Gourmet Guy held his first annual cook‐off, sponsored by Bowser’s 2011 Spring Vacation Getaway (tickets are still on sale). Many cooks, legends and amateurs, participated, but only three chefs made it to the final round. Before we continue, let’s get some background information on the finalists:
- Chef Kawasaki
- Age: Unknown
- Residence: Dreamland
- Hobbies: Cooking
- Chef Goomba
- Age: 35 years old
- Residence: Currently unknown
- Hobbies: Cooking, fighting bad guys, saving the Mushroom Kingdom from danger
The judges for the finals were hand‐picked
off the street gourmet connoisseurs. Wario, that one bean seller guy outside of Zora’s River or whatever the heck it’s called, and Louie were the perfect judges, as quoted by Gourmet Guy himself. The contestants were given five hours to prepare a three‐course meal: one appetizer, one entrée, and one dessert. After five hours, the chefs had to stop and present the food to the judge. They were judged on taste of the meal and its general appearance.
Wario: The variety of the food is limited, but the taste is marvelous. It could’ve used some garlic. I give you an 8.
Bean Seller Guy: I agree with fatty on this one. I give you an 8.
Louie: This is a lot better than the crap they server on my planet. I give you a 10.
Gourmet Guy: And with that, we add the score, giving Tayce T a 26/30. Well done!
Second, was Chef Kawasaki of Dreamland. His appetizer was some mashed potatoes topped with curry. For the entrée, he created what appears to be ramen with some… rather off‐putting miscellaneous objects inside… and for dessert, he created what he claims to be pie, but it looks more like he scooped out sewage from the sewers and plopped it onto a pie tin. Is that even real pie crust he was using?! The judges’ comments… went about as well as you’d expect them to…
Wario: I should have you thrown into the dungeon for this crap! I give you a 1.
Bean Seller: Is this… is this pie even edible? Is this sludge not poisonous? Is this pie crust not fake? Is giving you a 1 justifiable? The answer to all those questions is “YES”.
Louie: YUCK! GROSS! NASTY! TASTELESS! TREEEEEASON!!!! I give you a 0.
Gourmet Guy: What a disappointment. Kawasaki finishes with only a measly 2/30 points.
And now for the final contestant: Chef Goomba. For the first dish, he created a lavish onion blossom. What talent! For the main dish, he made some lobster, served with a plate of fries and some lemon butter. And for dessert, the masterful chef created an extravagant tiramisu. The judges’ jaws dropped in such astonishment, it’s as if they could break a column of bricks. The judges’ opinions were…
Wario: Talk about showy. I don’t even have to try the food to know it’s going to taste good. I’ll have a taste anyways! Definitely a 10.
Bean Seller: What fatso to my right said. A well‐deserved 10.
Louie: DAMMIT! GIVE ME YOUR RECIPES!!!! A 10.
Gourmet Guy: Adding up the score, Chef Goomba gets a… wow… a PERFECT SCORE!
Chef Goomba was awarded 5000 coins for his win as well as a blue ribbon. The two losers got 100 coins for being good sports, though.
And thus, that concluded Gourmet Guy’s First Annual Cook‐Off. We hope to see you all next year.
On Wednesday the 11th, around 10:30 am, a young boy was sentenced to three years of prison. The charge: Leaving his home. Little Prince Mallow, son of the ruler of Nimbus Land, was running a shopping errand when the police force arrived and immediately arrested the cloud prince for copyright infringement. A Japanese entertainment company called Square Enix had apparently filed a lawsuit against him. According to property laws, Square Enix seems to be the copyright holder regarding Mallow’s entire existence, and as such, showing his face in public equals a severe contractual violation. The accused was quoted upon his apprehension saying: “I— I just went to the store across the street to buy a pack of bubble gum!! I didn’t know that was bad!! I was… I did… I… I… ” A more detailed statement could not be recorded due to a violent rainstorm that suddenly started. Unfortunately, some complications occurred while the prince was carried off to jail. The police car was attacked by Mallow’s acquaintance and fellow notorious copyright violator Geno. Together they managed to get away.
Both escapees are currently on the run. The public is advised to be extremely cautious, as they are both dangerous. Prince Mallow is known for his magical prowess that makes the weather bend to his will, and even more so for his infamous ability to detach his body from his pants. Keep him away from your frail old grandma. His accomplice, Geno, is a possessed doll, which is already unsettling on its own. He can also transform into a cannon and shoot the sun at you. Note: While both criminals are certainly threats, it should also be known that their level caps at 30. If you are not a character from Super Mario RPG or the first installment of Paper Mario, you can be at ease.
The police ask for the assistance of the public in apprehending the escaped criminals. If you come across any leads that hint at their whereabouts, please contact the authorities. Don’t engage in any vigilante activities, no matter how tempting the experience points may seem. Life offers much more precious things than stats, such as… and… uhm… bubble gum… Just don’t do it, ok? That’s all.
Welcome, readers, to the fake weather forecast, where nothing actually is fake except our apparent perpetual happiness! This month, though, we will also be the bearer of some grave news: The sun, beloved by millions, has stopped shining during the day, and is now lighting the sky exclusively at night. Expert Shine scholars have determined that the problem at hand has nothing to do with Shine Sprites at all. This leaves expert Shine scholars completely clueless, since they are only able to recognize problems that are related to Shine Sprites, and are otherwise utterly useless. A Toad mother later reported to the police that her daughter was to blame. The kid hadn’t finished her dinner and, according to her mother, might have enraged the sun that way. The police, rational as usual, immediately ordered their men to arrest every child whose plate hadn’t been emptied properly the previous day. Soon someone pointed out that the disobedient children theory did not explain why the sun would shine at night. The people, having run out of insane ways to make abysmally false but still somewhat entertaining assumptions, gave up investigating and just went and asked the sun. The sun then explained that it had a talk with the moon, the moon was angry, and it expressed its jealousy of the sun because there was nothing good on TV to watch at night. The sun then assured the moon that there wasn’t anything good on TV during the day either, and opted the two to change shifts to prove it. Their arrangement is set to expire at the end of the month, and things will presumably return to normal then.
|1st Week||2nd Week||3rd Week||4th Week|
And now for the tv show weather forecast:
The quality drought of our overall program proves itself to be persistent and continues to hold our televisions in a fast stranglehold. The general climate is composed of old game show reruns, with the occasional soap opera precipitation. It is advised to keep an umbrella in close proximity (to switch channels in emergency situations when the remote control stops working). The clouds in the east still refuse to leave and yield reality shows about people like you and me that nobody wants to see. A morality low is coming in from the west and brings along a wave of TV scams and call-in shows. Please hold on to your purse and stay away from any telephone. As for the south: a huge talk show storm is brewing over Yoshi's Island. The whole place has therefore been put under quarantine. If you planned to go there, please don't, cancel your trip, stay at home, and don't look directly into your TV. That will be all.
Introducing a new sport that’s gripping the nation … Guntherball!
- audience claps*
- Gamefreak glares angrily*
The game, named after its original champion, consists of ten players. It is an individual competition in which one player tries to hit a football with a hockey stick and run around the four bases while the other nine players try to pick up the ball and throw it at the baserunner. The baserunner has to kick a soccer ball into a goal at first base, dunk a basketball at second base and roll a strike at third base while dodging sand traps and water hazards. Upon arriving at home plate, they must consume one (1) churro.
At this year’s world championship, held in the Forest of Illusion, Gunther once again advanced to the finals, hoping to win a third consecutive title. The championship match was a thriller, as Gunther outscored Wario, Yoshi, DK, Daisy, Toadsworth, Kamek and Waluigi, but there was one man that stood in his path, a man so glorious that nobody could defeat him…
We’re making a dramatic pause…
Kim Jong‐il! The Dear Leader is the champion!
The show has four main stars:
- Beethoven – The blue one. He is the leader of the team. He is described by many as “stuck in the 80s”, possibly related to the fact that he’s been sent back in time to the 80s (by a cursed radio program nobody from this time period likes), where he shared a house with Michael Jackson for six months. Look in the music video for Smooth Criminal, because he’s not there. He’s the third strongest of the team.
- Mozart – The red one. Worked for NASA in the past, performed MiRaClEs :o), blah blah. You probably don’t want to hear about that, keep moving people. Oh yeah he’s the third strongest.
- Tchaikovsky – The orange one. Picked on by the others due to his long name, which he finds unfair as the real composer, Tchaikovsky, never had this problem. Bullied by five‐year‐olds, to the extent that his mother had to write a complaint to Playhouse Disney. He isn’t the first, second or fourth strongest. And if you think he’s the fifth, you probably don’t even know the meaning of the word ‘math’.
- Debussy – The purple one. Often described as the ‘geek’ of the group, he is an avid collector of Star Wars figures and Star Trek episodes with no mention of the word ‘yellow’. He is between the fourth and second strongest.
In the most recent episode, an evil plumber has been jumping on the Shellcreepers and Sidesteppers in the sewers, so the Koopa Troopas decide to show him who’s boss. The show is shown on the channel that shows many other kids’ shows, Mushroom Kids, and is shown at 9:00, 10:00 and 11:00, being shown inbetween a couple of other shows on this channel that shows many shows. Don’t miss it, or else your name is entered into a competition and you could become the next villain the Koopas fight, and that will somehow bring humiliation. Thanks for reading, and see you next month.
After Mementoot – Death of a Trumpet and Low Blow, we are now about to witness the release of the latest album of known wonder musician Hully Bully. His new album is called There He Blows. Once again the musician's stunning performance with his iconic trumpet will bewitch you, and then haunt you day and night. Especially night. Song for song, the album tells a story about a young country bumpkin called Buck Blowhard, whose carefree life ends abruptly when a whale driving a tank waltzes through his farm and kidnaps his wife. Grieving over the loss, Buck decides to become Captain Blowbuck, a whaler who travels the seven seas and who hunts whales with his trumpet music instead of a harpoon. It just blows your mind.
This album comes with 13 unique songs for everyone who loves getting blasted into the ear by wind instruments.
- Peace Under the Hills with Silly Ol' Eyebrows
- One of Us Must Blow
- Hay Lady Hay
- Is It Blowing, Buck?
- If Whales Were Tanks
- Broken Blow Shuffle
- I Was the Boozer
- Blow Bird
- Ain't Got No Blow
- I'm Blowing On
- Four Whales
- We Need a Whole Lot More of Trumpets
So in conclusion there is only one last thing to say about this experience: It certainly blows.
DISCLAIMER: Before you cry Never Say Die, the game is already E 10+ for implying it.)
Hi, qrs22 here, with a new title for the 3DS – “Save Luigi”!
Lately, Luigi’s lack of love has left him lonely. (Try saying that five times fast.) To him, it seems as if no one pays him any attention – or would care if he never existed. One day, while Mario is napping, Luigi leaves him a notes and goes out for a walk. Later, Mario wakes up and reads the note.
I have decided to take a long walk – off a short pier. I’ll be hearing from you in that great Italian restaurant in the sky.
Love, Your Bro
Mario’s eyes fill with tears as he heads out to, well, save Luigi.
You (Mario) have to go through the original Super Mario Bros game from 1‐1 to 8‐4 with a different objective: protecting Luigi from, ahem, letting himself go. There are different cutscenes for different, erm, passings away. For example, when Bowser “does away” with Luigi with one of his fireballs, the cutscene shows Mario giving Bowser a dirty look, but Bowser claims to just be “doing his job.”
Luigi ― Wow, you went all that way to save my life?
Mario ― Mm‐hmm.
Luigi ― Oh, I love you, man!
*Luigi hugs Mario and starts to cry*
Mario ― Ha ha!
Well, that’s it for this month! See you next time!
We have three special guests today who will be showing you three different meals! Allow me to introduce, Tayce T., Chef Kawasaki, and Chef Goomba! Let us first begin with Tayce T’s demonstration.
First, you’ll need:
- It is recommended that the mushroom is as tender as possible. The more tender it is, the juicier it will be.
- Preheat the oven to 425 and place the shroom in it for approximately 30 minutes.
- While it is cooking, place the berries in a bowl and mash them until they form a smooth, non‐pulpy, mix.
- Simmer the berry puree in a pan for 10 minutes or until it is warm.
- Once the Shroom Steak is out of the oven, pour the berry sauce on it and viola, a delicious meal is ready for consumption.
Kawasaki will show us how to make his, uh, delicious(?) ramen:
First, you’ll need:
- Hot water
- Hot sauce
- A large bowl
- Crab claw
- Any other items you see lying around in your fridge or pantry
- First, you should heat the water until it comes to a boil.
- Add the noodles and stir for a few minutes
- Add hot sauce for extra flavor
- Throw in everything you can find, it doesn’t matter what crap is in there
- Mix all the ingredients for a good 5 minutes until the noodles absorb the plethora of flavors
- Pour all the contents in a large bowl and serve with chopsticks
- Add a note to enlighten those who are insane enough to eat your food: 貴様よ、そのラーメンをお楽しみください。
And finally, we have Chef Goomba showing us how to make his dish.
- A lobster
- A lemon
- Some butter
- A knife
- Boiling hot water
- A large saucepan
- An oven
- First, make sure the water is boiling hot and that the oven is preheated to 400. Add the lobster into the water once it is boiling.
- While the lobster is being boiled, cut the potato(es) into small fries.
- Once the oven is ready, add some seasoning onto the potatoes and stuff them in the oven. Set the timer for 30 minutes.
- When the fries are almost done, melt some butter.
- After the butter has been melted, add a dash of lemon into it to give it that lemon‐butter taste (this should be fairly obvious)
- Once the lobster is done, place it on a large plate, along with the fries and the lemon butter.
- Voila. A fantastic meal has been prepared.
Hello, my faithful customers.
There is no better way to kick of the ’Shroom’s birthday with a bang than with Bob‐ombs. These small explosives are easy to carry and come in many different sizes.
Using the bob‐omb is very simple. All you need to do is light it and then chuck it at a designated object. It’s not rocket science, so even the most brain‐dead of creatures can use this versatile item.
As you can see, these spherical explosives pack quite a punch and can demolish nearly anything!
Is there a swarm of enemies that need to be taught a lesson? Rodents in your cannons? Are there some foes that need to be taught a lesson? What better way than to accomplish all these worthless tasks than with a Bob‐Omb!
Supplies are limited, so order them while you can.
- Do not leave near any flammable objects.
- It is recommended children below the age of 18 do not play with these objects.
- Do not hold in front of face when lit.
- Do not place in microwave or oven.
- Do not try to cook the bob‐omb.
- The bob‐omb is not a toy.
- Use bombs wisely.
- Do a barrel roll.
Hey, everybody. This is PyroGuy6 with the next interview. This month, we will be interviewing Shy Ranger! ……………………… …………………………………………………………………………Get out here, now. Yeah, I know you’re rare. WILL YOU JUST GET OUT HERE?!?
Pyro: Finally. What were you doing in there?
Shy Ranger: Putting my camouflage on.
Pyro: Speaking of camouflage, why do you wear camouflage?
Shy Ranger: Back when I was just a boy in the Pipe Vault…my mom told me to wear camouflage in public for no apparent reason.
Pyro: Please, interviews are not supposed to include emo stories.
Shy Ranger: Sorry.
Pyro: Why do you usually run away from battle?
Shy Ranger: My worst fear is Geno. He’s crazy, man. He’s the whole reason us Shy Rangers are endangered.
Shy Ranger: Yeah, endangered. Everyone beats us up to level up and learn Ultra Flame.
Pyro: What happens if you attack?
Shy Ranger: I’ve taken a lot of classes on rock firing, so I never miss. Want me to show you?
Pyro: That won’t be necessary, thank you.
Shy Ranger: Aww, I wanted to hit that annoying Goomba over there in the audience.
Pyro: How are you immune to Yoshi Cookies?
Shy Ranger: If I take my camouflage off, there’s metal. But that’s my private part.
Pyro: Why do you have such low magic defense?
Shy Ranger: It’s complicated. I usually took classes on special defense.
Pyro: Other Shy Rangers think “Transmitting information. Over and out”. Explanation?
Shy Ranger: Recent Shy Rangers have wires in them. No Shy Ranger is organic.
Pyro: You’re a robot?
Shy Ranger: Yeah.
Pyro: Well, that’s about it. I’m PyroGuy6, and this is Shy Ranger. See you next month, everyone.
Toad Town, 200 years ago, was filled to the brim with criminals. Goombas, Koopa Troopas, Lakitus… these criminals were led by none other than the rogue cowboy, Plumpbody Wario, and his sidekick, Lanky Waluigi. A hero was needed to free the Toads in the town from these evil men…
Then, a man called Luigi came to town, and, due to a long series of events, became Sheriff Luigi.
When he arrived in the town, Sheriff Luigi was a lonely man. He rode in bravely on his Yoshi, and, being an alcoholic, decided to go to the pub. Little did he know that he was in the middle of a large robbery by the Wario & Waluigi enemy party van honk evil yellow whatever…… in other words, there were a couple of Goombas and a Shy Guy. The future sheriff, really in need of his beer, decided to jump on the three evil… thingies… the town then regarded him as a hero, despite having to clean up flattened Goombas and a man riding a Shy Guy.
Soon, Wario learned about Luigi’s interfering, grabbed his trusty shotgun, and ate it. Luigi then got a pair of trick handcuffs, went to Wario and handcuffed him to a post. Wario didn’t figure out how to get out, so he was there when Luigi got back, drunk, and freed him. But then Wario was transported to another dimension along with all his consorts and Waluigi. Luigi was then awarded Sheriff because of his fantastic Shy Guy riding skills giving him national fame.
Thank you for reading my section; I’m hoping to resign from Fake Characters, so this may well be the last time you see me writing it. Don’t worry, I’ll still be writing Fake TV and Should Have Been, and will still be around on the Wiki, forum and chat.
For this month, we from the ’Shroom Fake News are throwing our glance at a quirky shop somewhere along the confusing maze of streets and alleys that is Mushroom City: The Wall‐Mart. Here at the Wall‐Mart, one can find anything you need for your daily life at low prices. That is, if you are a Thwomp. If you’re not, most of the stuff they sell will be useless to you.
We spoke to the founder of the Wall‐Mart company, a Thwomp who goes by the name of Slam Fallton. We asked him what inspired him to create this project. “Grack! Thanks for asking, puny little water bag. When I was a little pebble, no kid ever wanted to play with me. Well, ok, some did, but then there were those accidents when we played leapfrog, and… anyway. My only real friend was a coin. He was always there for me, listened when I talked to him, and he didn’t mind me crashing down on him because he was already flat. But then there was that one day, I was very hungry, and so… I… I used him to… buy a sandwich… This is the one thing in my life I regret the most… And so, to atone for what I did, I decided to liberate all the coins that are currently forced into slavery by greedy people who shamelessly use them as currency! I can and I will not stand for this madness! Therefore, I created this shop where we sell useless trash to idiots who report stuff for newspapers! I will collect all the coins in the world to make them free! All of them! By the way, do you fancy buying something?”
Here is a random assortment of some of Wall‐Mart’s iconic articles:
As you may have noticed, it is slowly getting warmer lately. In the near future, the sun will most likely intensify its light, the streets will fill with the sound of happy children, and Zingers will be all over your dinner. Indeed, summer is coming. As everyone should agree, summer is a most vile and merciless season who likes nothing more than torturing us because it is jealous of winter’s serene beauty and undeniable coolness.
For all those coldness enthusiasts who just can’t stand that hideous drought in between two perfect winters, we from the ’Shroom have checked out a lovely vacation spot on the outskirts of the Mushroom Kingdom: Fahr Outpost! In this lovely estate, temperature hardly ever rises above the freezing point. You can engage in fun activities, like building snowmen, hiding in self‐made igloos, or eating space food from the local hotel. Speaking of the hotel, the beds are exquisite and comfy. You will sleep like a frozen turkey on them. They are so comfortable, not even an obese man repeatedly stepping on your face will be able to wake you up, or at least unless he tried several times.
All in all, this is a unique vacation opportunity right here. In the words of one of the locals: “Huh. Oh, da, da, this is Fahr Outpost. Very boring. What? Travel? Tourism? Here? Nyet, nothing here for tourists. Why come to this place? It’s too cold. You would be mad to come here if you’re used to much sun. We also don’t like outsiders. Go away. This is Fahr Outpost and there is nothing here. Especially no giant cannon, nyet.”
Book your flight now, and you will receive your very own “Ice is Nice” t‐shirt for free. Nothing is more intense than standing in a blizzard while wearing nothing but this shirt.
MST3K did not receive any questions this month and was therefore unable to submit anything.