The 'Shroom:Issue 222/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers, and welcome to Fake News 2! In celebration of Issue 222, we've retired Fake News and replaced it with a much better sequel. What's different about it? Well, it's got the number two in it, of course! I can't believe you even had to ask a question like that.
We've got an almost-new section this month! After a guest submission in Issue 219, Koopa (talk) has brought back Investigative Research as a monthly section, with some new hosts! Be sure to give it a read, it's a fun one. We've also got three News Flushes courtesy of Shoey (talk), Boo1268, and Aomaf (talk), more unofficial Year of Waluigi fun in a Travel Guide from ClawgripFan9001, and a one-off Obituaries by me which will hopefully give you a behind-the-scenes look at what goes into making these issues happen for you all. Boo1268 is joining Golddude64 (talk) for this month's The Ghostly Dossier as well! We're a little shorter on our usual sections, with Dear Waluigi Time, Dry Dry Data, Game Corner, and Police Blotter taking a short break, but I'm sure the rest of our offerings will make up for their temporary absence!
Would you like to join the Fake News team? If having your name enshrined in our purple halls interests you, head on over to the sign up page to find everything you need to get started on an application! Or you can send a one-off to me privately with no application necessary, if you've just got an idea but don't want to commit to a more frequent schedule. You can never have too many News Flushes, after all!
Section of the Month
Our top three this month are separated by only one vote each! Coming in first is a visit to Shogun Studios in The Sunshine Travel Guide by TheBlueCatMenace. Those votes scaled the heights of Lookout Tower! In second place we have Boo1268's research into Booster's ancestry in The Spectral Lens, and in third, late summer deals in Legend 8's Pyro Invents Stuff! Be sure to vote for your favorite section, you never know when it can make all the difference in the polls!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 10 | 22.22% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 2nd | The Spectral Lens | 9 | 20.00% | Boo1268 |
| 3rd | Pyro Invents Stuff | 8 | 17.78% | Legend 8 |
Written by: Parshoe G. Shoelow (talk)
Planet Stasiak Potentially Found!
In news that will be sure to excite the kingdom, a recent communication sent to The 'Shroom from the Toad Patrol thanks to an exclusive coverage agreement has indicated that a planet believed to be the elusive Planet Stasiak has been found. The discovery comes after a journey that has lasted months and has been described to this reporter as "agonizing" and "a nightmare more difficult than any expedition we've ever done", a journey in which navigation fell to Planet Stasiak native Planet Stasiak, who has been described as "cryptic" and "nonsensical". Planet Stasiak reportedly led the Toad Patrol all over space, crossing numerous galaxies, many of which were not connected to each other at all. One particularly frustrating leg of the journey saw the team jet from the Good Egg Galaxy all the way to the Throwback Galaxy based off the words of Planet Stasiak.
Shortly before finding what could possibly be Planet Stasiak, morale of the Toad Patrol was apparently very low, with guest Toad Patrol member and ace photographer TPG (sent along to get The 'Shroom exclusive pictures of the new planet), telling me that, at one point, the team thought about abandoning Planet Stasiak near the Space Junk Galaxy and returning home, completely fed up with his refusal to give straight answers about how to get to Planet Stasiak and preference to talk in nothing but nonsense rhythms and flex!
But before the team could give up, they caught a lucky break, meeting a Hungry Luma while resupplying at Mushroom Kingdom Station 5 (formerly Bowser Jr.'s Fiery Flotilla). After being supplied with an amount of Star Bits described as "gluttonous", the Hungry Luma told the crew about a planet of people that could resemble Planet Stasiak in the Puzzle Plank Galaxy. Hearing this, the crew, with their spirits lifted, raced to the Puzzle Plank Galaxy, where they found a previously uncharted planet about 50 light-years outside the Picture Block Dwarf Planet. Thanks to ace 'Shroom photographer TPG, we can confirm that this planet is like nothing we've ever seen before. Shaped like the head of Planet Stasiak (even having the sunglasses he refuses to take off), it also possesses its own moon, shaped, strangely enough, like a Ringdinger table. An asteroid ring containing asteroids in shapes never seen anywhere else in the known universe appears to perpetually rotate around the would-be Planet Stasiak, possibly thanks to Planet Stasiak's strong gravitational pull. While evidence currently suggests this could be Planet Stasiak, the Toad Patrol has confirmed that they haven't yet landed on the surface of what could be Planet Stasiak, telling The 'Shroom they are waiting for the results of atmospheric testing to determine if the planet is safe to explore. Complicating matters according to 'Shroom ace photographer TPG, Planet Stasiak has neither confirmed nor denied the discovered planet is Planet Stasiak, instead simply beginning to pace around the top of the ship, flexing even harder and saying over and over "What have I wrought?" upon seeing the planet shaped like his own head. The Toad Patrol has confirmed that, while they haven't yet been able to navigate around the asteroid belt and land on the new planet, once they do, they'll send The 'Shroom all the details of the unidentified planet and, more importantly, report if it is or is not Planet Stasiak.
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
The Spider in the Strategy Wing Office
On the morning of September 18th, a large spider was seen in the Strategy Wing office at The 'Shroom Headquarters by Strategy Wing Director Hooded Pitohui, who encountered it while working on preparations for the release of Issue 222. According to Pitohui, the spider was "big" and "distracting", and quickly disappeared behind some furniture, causing great distress among the members of the Strategy Wing team. The spider emerged a few hours later when it was spotted rushing for one of the office's computers, and was promptly beaten to death with a nearby shoe. Its motives for doing so are unknown, but we speculate that it wasn't trying to write any 'Shroom sections because it was too small to press any of the keys despite being large. The unfortunate arachnid's remains were then flushed down a toilet in the second floor bathrooms, and this article was written shortly afterward, proving that newspapers will, in fact, publish just about anything these days.
The spider may or may not be missed by its fellow spiders, but most likely not as it probably ate a lot of bugs that the other spiders couldn't eat. Such is the way of the natural world. Reportedly, these events have been celebrated by a group of stray Pikmin who have been living in the Strategy Wing offices since Shoey completed his series The Anatomy of a Pikmin last year, as they no longer have to worry about being eaten by the large spider.
Memorial services will be held at The 'Shroom Headquarters on Saturday, September 27th, which will reportedly have very little to do with the spider in question and will feature a talk on the joys of writing for The 'Shroom. Everyone who doesn't write for The 'Shroom is encouraged to attend for the talk, and everyone who currently writes for The 'Shroom is also encouraged to attend for the free snacks.
Written by: Boo1268
The Bodacious Backstory of Biff Atlas
Hello, readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. It's September, everybody! And you know what that means, October is slowly but surely approaching! With spooks and scares a plenty with lots of ghostly happenings happening next issue, alongside a bit of candy to boot. But for now, I'll save the spooky stories for when the time is right, however! That doesn't mean we can't have a little bit of frightful fun before then, now can we? For you see, dear readers, recently I took a trip to the mysterious Luigi's Mansion, which is still up and running after all these years, to uncover the secrets behind one of its more physically active residents (despite him being dead), that being the one and only Biff Atlas. And in the process, I uncovered some rather interesting information about his time among the living! So with that out of the way, let us begin, shall we?
Our story begins as recently I had heard from one of my fellow Fake News members that there was a section that focused on the supernatural! As such, it piqued my interest. The section being The Ghostly Dossier, in which a Mr. Golddude64 scientifically studied all the ghosts contained within Luigi's Mansion. At first, I was very much thrilled to have someone with as much ghostly knowledge as I, and also who would be covering my fellow spiritual brethren! But come to find out that Mr. Gold had been receiving all his info from a less than credible source (at least in MY opinion, anyways), and frankly, I was insulted he didn't call upon ME first for my expertise in this in regards to gaining knowledge about the supernatural! So I wished to remedy that. After sending him an email, I teleported to him right away for a rather RIVETING conversation on the supernatural, which I thoroughly enjoyed. However, now finding myself quite a ways away from home, I figured I would make the best out of my trip and look into the history of one of the portrait ghosts. However, which one to choose was a challenge all of its own, seeing as how there were many to choose from and all of them had unique pasts in one way or another. Ultimately, I decided on Biff Atlas due to his unique personality and profession. However, I soon found out I needed permission to talk to the portrait ghosts, and so after a slightly awkward conversation with Mr. Elvin Gadd and a slight talk about some events that transpired sometime ago, we put water under the bridge and I was able to interview Mr. Atlas about his past and research his history, so here's what I found.
| Biff Atlas | |
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An Olympic champion in his own right, he has won first place four times for weightlifting at the Olympics before his untimely death, and even now he stays in shape. |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know Biff Atlas, during the height of his popularity, released multiple weightlifting tapes to help people get in shape and lift weights? The series was known as "Getting BUFF with Biff Atlas: A guide to being active and alive each day". | |
In 1974, Biff Atlas was born, son of Clout Prinapus and Pinch Bia. The young Biff always had a competitive nature about him, especially when it came to sports. At the young age of 10, Biff was the top student of his school’s basketball team, even going so far as to being the one of the top students to not only help win their school championship that year, but also be the one to shoot the winning goal. However, at some point in his life, Biff wanted to do more than just play basketball, so he tried every sport he could think of, from boxing to squatrobics to even biking. But eventually, Biff would find his calling in competitive weight lifting. For you see, Biff was always a boy who liked to keep himself fit, so much so that apparently at the young age of 10 he was supposedly able to lift 132 pounds! So suffice to say, he was very strong at such a young age. So it came as NO surprise then at the young age of 12 he entered into MULTIPLE weightlifting competitions and won every single one! Suddenly overnight, Biff became a celebrity in his hometown, but feeling the craving of popularity wanted MORE. So after turning 13, Biff Atlas entered himself into the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics. Unfortunately, at the time all the spots were filled. Thankfully, Biff was able to enter the Olympic boxing tournament and got second place to Mr. Sandman. However, this victory, albeit a bit small, was able to help Biff’s career get off the ground. But eventually, at the age of 17 he was able to apply for the Seoul Olympics in 1988, where he won the gold for weightlifting three times, and at the time became the youngest weightlifter to EVER compete in the Olympics! With Biff becoming more popular than ever before, however, at some point the fame would go to Biff’s head, eventually turning him into who he is today.
| Biff’s Memorial Portrait | |
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Biff Atlas was known in the weightlifting community as one of the best of the best, and had many fans alongside many medals under his belt. Despite his rude and sometimes unprofessional personality, he always strove for those wanting to stay fit to keep up the good work and always encouraged young weightlifters to be like him. |
| Fun Fact!: Did you know that Biff's favorite flowers are lilies? Why? Because they symbolise purity, and as such, Biff believed himself to be pure and perfect in every way. | |
After Biff's sudden rise to fame, he would become an international sensation, with everyone wanting a piece of the Biff cake. As such, Biff Atlas would star in multiple commercials, TV shows, product lines, exercise videos, and seemingly almost ANYTHING! The sporting community was for a time consumed by what many considered as Biff Mania. This was also influenced by the fact that in 1992, Biff had won three MORE gold medals in weightlifting at the Olympics that year, and was the number one weightlifting champion in the Mushroom Kingdom. In fact, Biff was popular even outside the kingdom, with his products' popularity and skills being recognised in places such as Germany, Sarasaland, Japan, and even the Bright Savannah! However, in spite of all the good fame and popularity he was receiving, things underneath the surface were, let’s just say, less than pleasant. For you see, Biff in actuality was known as a bully to his fellow athletes, always talking down to them, making them feel small, being cocky about his skill and popularity, and always boasting about how he was better than the others, calling them weaklings and threatening other contestants to quit, saying he was going to use them as “one of my punching bags!”. These threats were some sort of SICK way to prove his superiority. His actions were due to Biff’s naturally competitive nature which he always had as a child. This competitive nature, alongside the feeling of popularity and fame going to his head, led to Biff being unpopular with his fellow teammates. But in spite of all this drama, Biff was more popular than ever before, which in turn allowed for the Olympics to gain not only more popularity, but also more revenue, and managed to turn the games into a profitable venture for host cities at the time, with Biff's presence allowing bringing more revenue to the Olympics. As such, all the harassment claims and reports were swept under the rug as to keep this success going, thus allowing Biff to continue his downward spiral, continuously being fueled by his own arrogance and pride.
| Biff Beach Picture | |
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This picture was taken on the set of Gelato Beach Rescue, one of many movies featuring Biff Atlas as the star during the Biff Mania era. The movie stars Biff Atlas and Winona Ryder as they attempt to save multiple crewmates from a sinking ship that was also on fire. |
| Fun Fact!: The movie scored poorly on Rotten Magmatoes, with critics giving the film 30% while viewers gave it a resounding 11%, making it the worst film Biff ever starred in. | |
And it would be Biff's pride that would lead him down the path to his early grave. For you see, a few years later, Biff would gain even MORE popularity by winning three more gold medals in the 1996 Atlanta Olympics. However, cracks would soon begin to form in Biff's supposedly perfect persona, with rumors of the previously established harassment and bullying being leaked to the public by anonymous sources. In spite of these rumors, Biff would continue to grow popular. However, at this point the Biff Mania had almost reached its peak, with Biff being the man who at this point had won nine gold medals for professional weightlifting and didn’t seem like he was slowing down anytime soon. But Biff’s hunger for fame could not be satiated, and as such, he craved more attention from his fans. But this constant crave for attention caused several athletes to quit the sport altogether in fear of Biff’s bullying and the feeling of helplessness in being unable to be the best they could be. This hunger for fame also led to the loss of lots of his childhood friends, and even family members leaving him due to his actions and personality, only leaving Biff with his fans and the few family members he had left. So despite Biff’s rise to fame, slowly but surely his popularity was beginning to die down. This, alongside the recent drama of Biff’s unprofessional actions finally coming to light, caused Biff to seek out the bottle for comfort, and eventually result in what many sport historians call “The Biff Backlash”. This would last for upwards of three years, before eventually Biff would enter into the 2000 Sydney Olympics, where, as always, he would win three gold medals for weightlifting. However, Biff’s victory would be short lived, quite literally, since a few months after the Olympics had occurred, Biff, while intoxicated, attempted to do more weightlifting without the use of a spotter. As such, Biff, after struggling to lift the weight he was carrying, fell backwards and was crushed by the large dumbbell.
And so, at the ripe young age of 26, Biff Atlas passed away with only nine gold medals to keep him company in the afterlife and only the few family members he had left to attend his funeral. In his greedy search for fame, Biff had lost his fans, his friends, and even some of his family. However, this would not be the end of Biff’s story. Unfortunately, Biff’s drive to push his body to its limits and be better than ever before caused him to have unfinished business, and seeing as how he was now dead and thus couldn't get more buff, Biff would spend the rest of his days in the afterlife lifting weights, wishing for strength that would never come physically. Even after his capture from E. Gadd, Biff would still continue to train even to this day. So remember dear readers, vanity and pride is the poison that corrupts all, and when success comes to you, you must remain humble as to not let it overtake you. For it does not matter the extent of your fame, for when you die, your fame will be lost to time, but the love of those who truly care about you, your friends and family, will always persist, even after death itself has torn you apart. Fame is fleeting, but love is forever. And so, with that, our story ends. I really hope you all enjoyed this edition of The Spectral Lens! If you have any suggestions for what I should look into next time, make sure to check out my official forum page. I'm always willing to pull my weight and look into what you have in store for me! So don't be afraid to give me suggestions. And with that, I say: Merci, au revoir.
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
Ahoy there, me pabulum pursuin’ posse! It be yer Cap’n, ClawgripFan9001 speakin’, ready ta take ye ta the high seas o’ succulent skillet shufflin’ once again! It be September, which means that if ye be livin’ in the Northern ‘Emisphere o’ the Real World like me, summer season ‘as pretty much come ta its end, an’ fall, or autumn, whate’er ye wish ta call it, be gettin’ its foot in the door! Where I live, as soon as September came ‘round, the weather switched from summer ta autumn quicker than a golden lion tamarin on speed, with temperatures droppin’ like ‘ouseflies in a cloud o’ pesticide! Yar, but ye prob’bly don’t wanna listen ta me ramblin’ ‘bout all o’ these silly metaphors an’ euphemisms, ye wanna listen ta me story o’ me adventure surroundin’ the dish I’m gonna teach ye ta make this month. Well, let’s dive into it then, yar?
Since autumn was arrivin’ in me part o’ the Real World, I figured it’d be a good opportunity ta learn ‘ow ta make a nice, ‘ot an’ toasty beverage. An’ who better ta seek out the ‘elp fer makin’ a toasty beverage than the most kindhearted chef I knew, Saffron o’ Flipside? So I took a freighter ta the Flipside dimension an’ paid Saffron a visit at Sweet Smiles!
Pushing open the front door of the restaurant, ClawgripFan9001 scuttled inside before gently shutting the door behind him. “Ahoy, Miss Saffron?! It be me, ClawgripFan9001!” the Sidestepper called to let the Flipside-based chef know of his arrival.
Emerging from the kitchen soon after, Saffron gave her iconic warm smile to ClawgripFan9001 in response. “Welcome back, dear. It’s always a pleasure to have you over for a Cooking Guide section. What dish is it that you want me to teach you how to make this time?” she asked him in a curious tone of voice.
“Yar, it always be a pleasure fer me ta visit as well, Miss Saffron.” ClawgripFan9001 responded back to her, flashing an equally warm grin as he did so. “I was ‘opin’ ye could teach me, an’ ta an extent, me readers, ‘ow ta make a Pine Cone Cocoa.” he then informed her.
“Why, of course, dear! This is a rather easy beverage to make, and you should have it fixed yourself in a jiffy! Come on into the kitchen, and I’ll tell you all about it!” Saffron beamed in joy, eager to share more of her culinary knowledge with ClawgripFan9001, so she beckoned him to enter her kitchen.
“Yo-ho, what are we waitin’ fer, then?! Let’s get cookin’!” ClawgripFan9001 cheered as he began to follow Saffron towards the kitchen, grabbing his notepad and pencil to start writing down notes once he made it there. “So, what do ye need fer makin’ Pine Cone Cocoa in terms o’ ingredients?”
“In terms of ingredients, you’d need a Mild Cocoa Bean, a Golden Leaf and a Fire Burst for making a Pine Cone Cocoa.” Saffron told him as she began to pull out each ingredient she named, one at a time. ClawgripFan9001 nodded affirmatively as he began to jot this down into his notes.
“Aye, an’ in terms o’ appliances?” the Sidestepper inquired next, glancing up from his notepad and raising a curious eyebrow towards Saffron as he waited for her response so that he could write that down into his notes in a subsequent fashion.
“Not a whole lot either. Just a small pan, mortar, pestle, mug and a few spoons should do.” Saffron informed as she began to take out each named appliance, one at a time in a similar manner to the ingredients. ClawgripFan9001 once again nodded affirmatively as he scribbled this onto his notepad.
“Yar, so that’s pretty much everythin’ ye need ta make the dish. Now ‘ow do ye make the dish itself?” ClawgripFan9001 asked curiously, beckoning Saffron to lay out the cooking instructions to him.
“Well, the first thing to do is to grind the Mild Cocoa Bean with the mortar and pestle.” Saffron explained to ClawgripFan9001 as she began to do just that, with the crustacean writing the instructions down onto his notepad.
“Then, you put the powder gained from grinding the Mild Cocoa Bean inside the small pan, and you grind the Golden Leaf with the mortar and pestle the same way. Don’t worry about the remains of powder from the Mild Cocoa Bean sticking to the mortar and pestle, it won’t hinder the Golden Leaf’s spiciness in any way.” Saffron assured ClawgripFan9001 as she began to grind the Golden Leaf, the pirate nodding affirmatively as he continued to write this down.
“Put the ground bits of Golden Leaf into the small pan alongside the powder from the Mild Cocoa Bean, then apply the Fire Burst, and it’ll all seamlessly melt together into a nice, hot, chocolatey and gooey liquid filled with love, no water or other such liquids needed! Stir it for a few minutes, then pour it into a mug, and you’re finished!” Saffron beamed as she finished explaining the instructions to ClawgripFan9001, who subsequently finished writing all of it down.
“Yar, that be easy enough indeed! Now lemme ‘ave a quick whiff o’ that sweet cuppa joe…” ClawgripFan9001 responded as he tucked his pencil and notepad away before scuttling over to the kitchen counter, with Saffron smiling at him as she passed him the mug of Pine Cone Cocoa, after which the Sidestepper promptly took a sip. “Bless me bandana, this be delicious!” The crustacean beamed happily, with Saffron blushing from this praise in response.
“Thank you, dear. Glad to know I was able to be of help with teaching you and your readers alike how to put this toasty beverage together, and that it lived up to your tastebuds’ expectations.” Saffron affirmed ClawgripFan9001’s praises with a warm smile.
“Aye, the feelin’ be mutual as always, Miss Saffron! I’ll continue ta try ta not be a stranger ‘round these parts when I’m in need o’ your culinary expertise!” ClawgripFan9001 chimed with his trademark grin.
Argh, so this be all the things ye need fer makin’ Pine Cone Cocoa, an’ know ‘ow ta make it!
Ingredients
- A Mild Cocoa Bean
- A Golden Leaf
- A Fire Burst
Appliances
- A small pan
- A mortar
- A pestle
- A mug
- A couple spoons
Instructions
- Grind the Mild Cocoa Bean into powder with the mortar an’ pestle.
- Put the Mild Cocoa Bean powder into the small pan, then grind the Golden Leaf with the mortar an’ pestle. The remains o’ the powder from the Mild Cocoa Bean ain’t a hindrance ta the spiciness o’ the Golden Leaf, so no need ta worry ‘bout that.
- Put the ground bits o’ Golden Leaf into the small pan alongside the Mild Cocoa Bean powder, apply the Fire Burst, an’ it all melts together without requirin’ any other kind o’ liquid.
- Stir the molten chocolate fer a couple minutes, pour it into a mug, an’ yer ‘ot beverage be done!
An’ that brings us ta the end o’ this September edition o’ Cookin’ Guide, mateys! The next time we’ll see each other fer our next culinary adventure in November also ‘appens ta be the last time we’ll be settin’ sail fer the seven seasoned seas in 2025! Argh, time be flowin’ quickly in an’ out like the tide, I say! But that be everythin’ fer now, mateys! ‘Till next time!
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Trade Ministry Announces Ban on Banana Bird Importation
In a move long-anticipated, the Mushroom Kingdom Ministry of Trade announced Friday that updated regulations will go into effect next month prohibiting the importation of Banana Birds into the Mushroom Kingdom for all purposes other than narrowly-defined scientific research or conservation efforts at accredited institutions. In announcing the import ban, which has been the subject of rumors for months due to tip-offs from anonymous sources, the Ministry of Trade cited concerns over fungal diseases potentially carried into the kingdom's borders by infected Banana Birds, concerns for the well-being of the tropical Banana Birds in a temperate environment, and concerns over poaching operations in the Northern Kremisphere. The one month delay in implementing the new regulations is intended, according to a ministry spokesperson, to "provide any involved in the safe and legal trade of Banana Birds one month to complete or renegotiate outstanding contracts and obligations, after which any importers will need to apply for a license and prove genuine scientific interests are involved."
The move comes after years of pressure from a coalition of environmentalists and animal welfare activists, who have argued that the importation of Banana Birds into the Mushroom Kingdom is damaging to the ecology of the Northern Kremisphere and constitutes inhumane treatment towards Banana Birds themselves. While conservationist groups such as The Mushroom Wildlife Association acknowledge that Banana Birds are able to live healthy lives in captivity in zoos, they argue that the average Mushroom Kingdom citizen lacks the knowledge and equipment needed to raise Banana Birds in a safe and healthy manner. Celebrating the announcement, Frue T., a Toad representing the MWA, had this to say:
This is a victory for anyone with any compassion in their hearts. For decades, Banana Birds have been taken from the wild, shoved into crates, and shipped across the ocean to wind up in pet stores across our kingdoms. Set in cages no bigger than those in which one would keep a canary with only some straw as bedding, these large, noble birds have been treated like goldfish, bought up as "low-maintenance", colorful animals set in a corner and forgotten. The truth is, Banana Birds require complex care, far beyond that which they receive in most homes. They need carefully-regulated humidity levels to keep them both from drying out and from acquiring mold, a certain amount of exposure to direct sunlight daily which needs to be supplemented by heat lamps during the shorter winter months, and an environment which allows for precise control over ethylene gas concentration as they mature. While many residents mean no harm and are inadequately informed by pet stores, the truth is, nobody should be keeping Banana Birds without a terrarium, a necessity which most residents are simply unable to afford and install in the homes. This ruling should stem the tide and reduce the number of Banana Birds ailing in under-informed and under-equipped households.
Not all have expressed enthusiasm for the new regulations. Banana Birds having long been popular pets in the Mushroom Kingdom since Wrinkly Kong's cultural outreach centers popularized them among the public, this change has prompted pushback. Pet store owners, those involved in the animal trade, and residents who own Banana Birds, among others, have spoken out against the Ministry of Trade's announcement. Citing their own experiences with Banana Birds in their homes, some residents have taken offense to the assertion they are unable to properly care for the tropical birds, arguing that Banana Birds under their care have lived long lives as beloved family members. Opponents call concerns over Banana Bird welfare overblown, question the legal basis of the new regulations, and argue government overreach. Spot T., a long-time Banana Bird owner, contacted Mushroom Tribune with the following to say:
These new regulations are a violation of our rights as citizens and pet owners, full stop. Fungal diseases? Give me a break. If they weren't problems before, they're not suddenly problems now. Poaching? If there is poaching, then isn't that the Northern Kremisphere's job to stop, not ours? Let's not kid ourselves. This is all about those people saying we don't know how to take care of Banana Birds, and those people are just plain wrong. I'm sure there are some pet owners who haven't been educated on all the ins-and-outs, but most of us are getting by just fine! My Banana Bird, Yeller, has lived five years now completely healthy, and I know other Banana Bird owners who care deeply for their birds. We get together and talk about what we can do for them, and we love 'em. They're family to us! So why should responsible pet owners like us be denied our right to bring these lovable birds into our kingdom and raise them? What's next, is the government going to tell us Poochy Pups can't be imported from Yoshi's Island? There's just no legal basis to this!
Opponents have vowed to bring suit against the Ministry of Trade before the regulations are scheduled to go into effect. Legal analysts expect the courts to grant a stay which will further delay their implementation. For more perspectives on this unfolding story, we turn to wildlife researcher W.P. Hoodington and member of the Mushroom Kingdom-Northern Kremisphere Commercial Dialogue Shoey:
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Now, truthfully, I hesitate to wander into any sort of political conflict. Legal matters are not an arena in which I perform capably and confidently. That granted, however, I must express my satisfaction with the Ministry of Trade's new regulations. Banana Bird ownership is a responsibility not to be taken lightly, and one for which, I fear, even the most well-intentioned residents of the Mushroom Kingdom are adequately prepared. The physiological needs of Banana Birds are many, and not easily met. Banana Birds can thrive only in a narrow range of humidity, temperature, and exposure to sunlight. Too little humidity, and Banana Birds dry out quickly; too much, and fungal pathogens render them sick. Now, I will grant that the biosecurity hazards which the Ministry of Trade cite appear to be more legal sleight of hand than sound science, an attempt to strengthen the regulations in a court of law rather than a genuine concern. Diseases carried by Banana Birds typically do not transmit to Mushroom Kingdom flora or fauna. That said, those pathogens can still severely sicken the bird itself, and a bird wasting away in a cage hardly seems humane to me. Banana Birds need more direct sunlight than an indoor life can possibly provide, need their environment carefully monitored and adjusted as they ripen, need... well, suffice to say, my professional opinion is that anything less than a terrarium is inadequate for caring for Banana Birds properly. |
| Unfortunately, considerations for proper care for Banana Birds do not stop at physiological needs. In their natural environment, Banana Birds live in large colonies, under the guidance of a Banana Queen. Social and highly intelligent, Banana Birds form extensive bonds with their colonymates, engaging in complex preening and food-sharing behaviors. These serve not only practical functions such as removal of parasites (something which Banana Bird owners must take into consideration - brush your birds regularly!), but keep the birds stimulated. It's estimated that upwards of 70% of Banana Bird owners in this kingdom have only a single Banana Bird in their residence, a situation which places undue stress on the birds and deprives them of necessary stimulation. Even a "healthy" Banana Bird will become withdrawn and irritated in captivity and cease to preen itself. These are social birds! They require companionship! In its absence, they require extensive enrichment and daily attention! They are not low-maintenance animals. Far from it, they represent a commitment to housing and caring for multiple Banana Birds, or spending hours each day tending to the birds and offering them puzzles and games. While I am certain responsible owners exist, many of these birds are given away at carnivals as prizes or bought from stores as gifts for children, placed into homes that are not able to provide them with comfortable lives. If the Ministry of Trade endeavors to reduce their suffering, then I see no issue! | |
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This is yet another classic example of government overreach, of the government bringing a hammer down when they don't need to. First off, I will not deny that some level of government regulation on Banana Bird trading was needed. It's true that there were a number of cases of people buying the exotic Banana Birds and treating them like regular Crowbers or Parrots, something you could put in a small-to-medium-sized cage and feed bird seed and maybe the occasional fruit, treating them more like decorations than beloved pets. And yes, that is abhorrent and it should be cracked down upon. But that's the case with all animals! We've all heard stories of pet Chain Chomps left chained to a post in the yard, neglected, or seen images of people putting Baby Cheep Cheeps in a small bowl of tepid water. But did we ban the the ownership of Chain Chomps or Cheep Cheeps? No! Instead, we took steps to educate the citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom on the needs of these animals, and we've cracked down on those that neglect their animals. While, yes, it's true that Banana Birds do require many things such as humidity controlled cages, room to exercise, and special feed, the fact is that, while there are those in the kingdom that can't handle the responsibility of them, there are many owners that have researched what a Banana Bird needs and that have taken the steps to properly care for them. We shouldn't be punishing them for loving and caring for their pets. Instead of a total ban on purchasing Banana Birds, we should be heavily regulating the purchase of them, limiting the ability to bring in a Banana Bird to those who have proven they can take care of such a special bird. We should be requiring proof of being able to provide a suitable habitat before the sale becomes legal, while banning the sale to anyone who can't show that they have the necessary knowledge or the right equipment to keep a Banana Bird happy and well kept. In addition, in order to purchase a Banana Bird, prospective owners should be required to pass some sort of test to prove they can properly take care of a Banana Bird, with heavy penalties both for sellers and consumers who break these laws. Perhaps we should go as far as provide funding for wellness checks on these birds, if not any tropical animal, to make sure they are being properly cared for with, again, heavy penalties if it's found they're being abused. These proposals, I believe, would allow the government to ensure Banana Birds end up with people who can properly care for them instead of a blanket ban which punishes not just irresponsible bird owners but also the responsible ones. |
| Now, as for the government's other arguments, I find them to be nothing more than a thinly-veiled attempt to bolster a weak case. The evidence that Banana Birds have ever brought disease to this kingdom are at best heavily circumstantial. Since the importing of Banana Birds began, there have been no known cases of mass crop failure caused by alleged fungal infections, nor have there been any serious infections brought about by the bird. So while in theory it's possible that the birds could bring some new diseases into the kingdom, the evidence so far just isn't there for it to be a major concern. And as for poaching, while, yes, it is true that there have been cases of poachers abducting Banana Birds from their nests to sell them to unscrupulous dealers, the fact is poaching is already illegal both in the Mushroom Kingdom and the Northern Kremisphere. It's both illegal to poach and to acquire animals from poaching, so cutting off all legal routes to acquire a Banana Bird isn't going to stop the poaching of the birds. If anything, it could increase the amount of poaching by driving those that would have otherwise legally acquired them into the black market! Again, instead of wielding a hammer, the government should be looking into reform. A simple system of requiring a license with a paper trail to prove these birds were legally acquired through a reputable dealer in the Northern Kremisphere (where Banana Bird sellers are required to have proof that the Banana Birds they're selling were hatched and raised from legally-acquired pet Banana Birds) would suffice to ensure that pet shops are selling only Banana Birds that have been ethically sourced! The fact of the matter is this; the government is simply overreaching. They're using a cudgel when some simple commonsense reforms to the system could ensure that Banana Birds are only sold to those that can give them both a loving home and everything they need to thrive as beloved family pets. |
Written by: Legend 8
The Sorcery Show
Episode 22: Waiting for Pyrot
It is a beautiful day in the Mushroom Kingdom, and-
Hi guys! It's me, the Explainer!
The Explainer is currently floating around the old stone theater next to where Pyro's castle used to be, alone. There is a big, unusually shaped tent in the middle of the theater - apparently, our heroes have decided to live here temporarily. But, the antilogician and his flaming skull companion don't seem to be present right now...
Yeah, that's true. Today it'll be just me hosting the Sorcery Show! Pyro and Kroop are... I don't know, they said they went to the supermarket, but that was like half a day ago? And the 'Shroom deadline is right around the corner, so I took matters into my own hands. Anyways. Now, I have to somehow entertain you, right? Hm, how am I going to do this...?
The Explainer floats in circles, thinking.
Well, I could... No... You know, it would be so much easier if I could just talk to you now, dear readers! I could just explain something to you and boom, I finished the episode and your questions are answered, win-win. Hmmm...
The Explainer is still thinking. And floating in circles.
Huh... I could maybe tell you a story? What about that one time when Pyro was hunting the Easter bunny and... Do you know that one already? Oh, you probably do. Then what else...?
Aaaaand the Explainer still has absolutely no idea what to write about.
...I could tell you random unnecessary "facts" about reality from my antilogical database, or... maybe I just leave the article blank and present it as modern art, or maybe just do random chaotic stuff like Pyro always does, or... I don't know! Write about how I'm slowly going crazy trying to finish my irresponsible friend's deadline - where even is he?!
Then, an idea crosses the Explainer's desperate mind.
I... Oh! Wait. This might actually work. After all, Pyro never really cares about HOW exactly he entertains you either... Okay, get ready. Ahem.
Once there was a Koopa
Dressed in black and gold
Travelling the realms
For crazy stories yet untold
The paper of news was his pathway
To make his adventures known
But as approached the release day
He was suddenly simply gone
Then a friend tried to replace him
Who knew not to entertain
And thus resorted to a poem
Finished section, no more pain!
So, uh, hope you liked it... I really wonder what happened to Pyro and Kroop, I'm afraid they blew up the supermarket again or something... Anyways, I guess that's it for this month's issue, I'm done now. Bye!
The Explainer turns around and starts de-materializing his glitchy body - but he stops as he suddenly realizes something.
Huh? What? Oh, my database was just updated. It's your lucky day, folks, now you will get some brand new anti-knowledge after all! Let's see, the newest entry.
Uhhh, okay? "Mario Galaxy will soon be remade" , that's what it says. And I have not the slightest clue what this is about. Although, it sounds kind of ominous... Like some kind of prophecy.
The Explainer fully re-appears, thinking about the ominous message, and soon, a terrible thought pops up in his head.
Wait. Oh no. Don't some people refer to our universe as the Marioverse, due to the abundance of red Italian plumbers around here? What if this is referring to our actual galaxy? And what if... remember that blue-haired psychopath's plan in the Sinnoh Pokémon games? The message says our galaxy will be remade, but wouldn't it have to be destroyed before?! We're all going to die!!! Aaaaaarghhhh!!!!
The Explainer panics, rapidly blinking in and out of physical existence as he floats aimlessly around, screaming.
Well now at least I have a topic to write about but that doesn't matter if we're all dying soon anyways! Aaaaaargghh!!! Help!!
Suddenly, Pyro and Kroop appear from a portal, stacked with shopping bags that seem to be full of pretty much everything, save for the needed groceries. Kroop is looking very, very annoyed.
Pyro: Hi Explainer, we're back! Look how many beautiful things we-
PYRO WE HAVE A BIG PROBLEM MY DATABASE SAYS OUR GALAXY IS ABOUT TO BE FULLY DESTROYED AND RECREATED!!!
Pyro: Uh, whaaat?
Kroop: What the..? You still trust your "database"? Really?!
Well, yeah, no, but, I mean... it said the entire Mario Galaxy will be remade!
Pyro: Ohh! Explainer, wait, I made that entry so I don't forget any of the important Nintendo Direct stuff! No need to worry. It's not about our galaxy, it's about a game! Which is technically the reality we live in, but let's not make this more complicated than necessary.
...I'm not understanding anything anymore. How..? What..!? And also, what even happened, why were you gone for so long?!
Pyro: Oh, THAT is a looooooong story...
Kroop: Well no actually Pyro just kept on finding "interesting and important" stuff for his lab that he just couldn't miss out on!
Aaand you forgot the bread. And basically everything else. Well, at least you didn't blow anything up, right?
Pyro: Uhhhhhhhmmmmm, well, actually...
The Ghostly Dossier
Written by: Golddude64 (talk) and Boo1268
Hey everyone! My name is Goldoo and welcome back to The Ghostly Dossier! In my last issue I talked about Neville, this issue we’ll be covering the not always dangerous: Boo!
The Catch
Now normally I would venture out to find the ghost so I could review it, but it seems as though there are no Boos in this area… almost as if they migrated. I thought about calling this one off when I suddenly got an email on my computer:
TheFancyPhantom1268
Hello Mr. Golddude, it is I, Boo1268 the Fancy Phantom! Recently I had heard from one of my fellow Fake News members that your section focuses on the supernatural! And at first I was ecstatic that you would be covering my fellow spiritual brethren! But come to find out, you're obtaining said info from THAT OLD BUFFOON you all your boss, frankly I was insulted you didn't call upon me for my expertise! So I wish to remedy that. If you ever find yourself in need of ghostly info from a TRUE professional, I ask that you send me a message, my good man. Maybe we can talk about it over tea? -From Boo1268 The Fancy Phantom.
A little confused, and slightly on edge, I responded back accepting his invitation. However, when I did, a mysterious white nub appeared out of my screen, it then grabbed me! When I tried to pull my hand back, the mysterious Boo came with it!
G- W-who are you?
B- Hahahaha! Gave you a fright there, did I my good man? Oh come now, it's all fun and games here! For you see, *ahem* I AM BOO1268! The Fancy Phantom himself! Here at your service!
G- Uh.. well I guess that makes sense… Hmmm, I don’t know what to ask first! Oh! Why do Boos behave like balloons physically?
B- That one's easy, it's simply because we have lots of spectral energy that allows us to travel easier through walls and other surfaces than other spirits! It also allows us to stretch our bodies around objects to possess them easier, which is why we are able to clump together and why we’re so bouncy and poppable.
G- Interesting. I've noticed that some ghosts seem to have never died… Is that true for Boos? Is it true for only some?
B- In most instances, Boos and other spirits are created by the natural way of life, that being death. And while SOME spirits are able to remember things such as memories, physical appearances, etc. some are not as fortunate and will end up losing their memories and appearances! Thus turning them into essentially another person!
G- Oh! So it wasn’t that they were fake ghosts… They just had no data because they don’t remember their past life! Interesting…
B- Yes, that is the case… However, in other instances some ghosts, mainly though magical means can be created… More or less these spirits tend to be more monstrous and act on instinct to harm rather than memories and rationality. In fact, I would say that a few of the ghosts you have in the vault here are the same way.
G- Then… who made them?
B- It… depends. Even I'm not fully sure, although my best guess has to be that Vincent Van Gore guy, or they just appear through simple ectoplasm from the spirit world.
G- Hmmm, I think the professor has him in a painting… I guess I’ll have to interview him next.
B- Anywho, next question! But before we continue, care for some caramel tea?
G- Okay!
After a very relaxing tea break, I was able to scan Mr. Boo1268's body as to get more data involving his spectral makeup, and although I was given lots of data, the conversation we had left me with many mysterious questions that I hope to answer in the near future… But none the less, here's what I discovered.
The Analysis
Spectral mass: 4W
Boos are round, balloon-like creatures with a row of sharp teeth and a long tongue. They use said tongue as a way to paralyze their prey. I haven’t really encountered any besides Boo1268, but while looking through drawers in the lab I found a blurry photo of a Boo that must've been taken by E. Gadd, as well as another photo that was even blurrier than the other, and I couldn’t quite make out what it was, save for a purple glow…
Most Boos seem to be hostile, although I have found that at the very least, a select few seem to be friendly, which makes me wonder… are the hostile Boos less intelligent? Or is something else making them act so mischievous and dangerous? I suspect that there may be something, or someone, leading them to this path…
Boos overall are consisting of very thin ectoplasmic energy that allows them to travel through walls much easier than your typical ghost. This thin ectoplasm also explains their bounciness and explains how Stretches are able to, well… stretch and stick to surfaces. Some Boos can also stretch their bodies into different shapes, such as Boo Blocks and other similar species such as Balloon Boos.
The End
Well that concludes this month’s analysis! Hopefully I’ll find out more about this “Vincent Van Gore” guy soon, as well as that mysterious photo with the purple glow… but I’m getting ahead of myself here, I would like to give thanks to Boo1268 the Fancy Phantom for the immense help with research for this issue!
Written by: Wallace Ulysses
A WAH-rm WAH-lcome to all you Waluigi lovers from all WAH-lks of life who are coming back around for the continuation of the unofficial Year of Waluigi, dedicated to our beloved smart aleck clad in purple in honor of his twenty-fifth anniversary, seeing as Nintendo themselves didn’t care enough about Waluigi to give him his own year like they did with his green rival back in 2013! So that’s why us Waluigi lovers like myself, Wallace Ulysses, are there to do WAH-tever Nintendon’t! Anyhoo, enough of that rambling! Waluigi News Time!
So as I was monitoring my computer for the latest scoop on anything related to Waluigi, I suddenly got a tip-off from my trusted secretary of the Waluigi Fan Club, Walliam Unger, that an entire geographical location dedicated to Waluigi himself had recently been discovered! According to Mr. Unger, this place is known as Emeraldburgh, and it’s said to be Waluigi’s counterpart to his yellow-clad partner, Wario’s Diamond City!
Needing to know if this Emeraldburgh place could be traveled to, I immediately looked it up on my browser’s search machine, and much to my joy, Emeraldburgh could be traveled to! So I immediately sent a reply back to Mr. Unger to inform him to pack his things, since we were leaving for Emeraldburgh first thing in the morning!
The following morning, me and Mr. Unger found ourselves on a plane headed for Emeraldburgh. Sparing no expenses, we flew Business Class, because if we are headed towards a place centered around the great Waluigi, we might as well head there in style! After a good five-hour flight, me and Mr. Unger arrived at Emeraldburgh Airport, and after leaving the arrival hall, we set foot in this illustrious city dedicated to Waluigi himself!
I WAH-nted to go sightseeing around the city immediately, but Mr. Unger insisted on finding a hotel first, so that’s what we did. Halting a nearby taxi, we settled down inside and told the driver to take us to the first and best hotel they could find. The driver, an anthropomorphic falcon named Lordo, obliged and took us to the first and best hotel he could find within the confinements of Emeraldburgh.
On the way to our hotel, Mr. Unger and I decided to make a bit of small talk with Mr. Lordo, asking him questions regarding Emeraldburgh we could use for our news report we were going to do on the city. Mr. Lordo informed us that the taxi company he worked for, Emerald Taxi, was the only taxi company the city had to offer, and as such, any calls for taxi services had to be dialed to the front desk of Emerald Taxi, which, according to Mr. Lordo, was operated by his colleague, a female anthropomorphic sparrow by the name of Throf.
When we asked Mr. Lordo who else besides him and Mrs. Throf worked for Emerald Taxi, he responded that the only other employee of the company was his superior, an anthropomorphic seagull named Ravels. Shortly afterward, we arrived at our hotel, so we paid Mr. Lordo’s fare and thanked him for the information he was able to give us.
Our hotel, a three-star hotel by the name of WAH-rdbrick WAH-ltel, was just as we expected of a hotel named after our favorite purple troublemaker that is Waluigi; classy, while still packing plenty of the lengthy man in purple’s feistiness. Rooms at this particular hotel cost 75 Coins a night, which isn’t too big of a sum for a three-star hotel. The hotel also offers housekeeping and room service included with the room costs, so all in all, there isn’t much negative to report about the accommodation here in Emeraldburgh.
So once accommodations had been taken care of and our luggage had been properly tucked away in our hotel room, it was time for me and Mr. Unger to go properly sightseeing around Emeraldburgh. The first and most notorious hot spot that the city has to offer, which also happens to stand out like a sore thumb in a crowd, is the Emeraldburgh home where Waluigi himself resides whenever he happens to be living in the city; Waluigian Palace. Just like how Wario has a castle of his own somewhere else in the Mushroom World, his purple-clad partner also has one right here in Emeraldburgh! Whenever Waluigi isn’t home, he makes money off of letting tourists pay to let a tour guide show them around the place as if it were some sort of museum. Mr. Unger and I took the plunge and went on one such tour of Waluigian Palace, and it certainly didn’t disappoint! The entry fee of 25 Coins a person is more than worth it, because it was marvelous seeing how Waluigi lives in such luxury while he hangs his head in Emeraldburgh! The tour guide also was able to tell us information about some of the rooms that held sides of the purple troublemaker that neither me or Mr. Unger were aware of! Shocking, but still an educational experience for the both of us! The Palace also has a gift shop located in the foyer that sells Waluigi-themed merchandise ranging from a mere 20 Coins to a hefty 90 Coins, so it’s up to you to decide if the wares are worth cracking open your WAH-llet.
Once Mr. Unger and I were done at Waluigian Palace, we ventured on towards our next stop on our sightseeing tour of Emeraldsburgh; Club Sour. It’s a dancing venue located on the west side of the city that’s frequented by Waluigi and other popular figures residing here, such as Billy D., a talented dancer who comes from a whole family of them. Mr. Unger and I happened to run into Billy D. when we visited Club Sour, and we talked with him about his experiences living in Emeraldburgh. Billy D. told us that he lives a generally good life in the city, as he regularly spends his time dancing right here at Club Sour, and sometimes when he’s all danced out, he likes to go for a stroll through the city while downloading new ringtones to his cellphone. Other times, he can be found in the company of his parents and/or younger siblings, who exhibit a similarly extroverted and open personality as himself. And another pastime he likes to take part in but hasn’t had much time to mingle in as of late, is performing aerobics in his own aerobics studio. Whenever he’s present at his studio, he hosts a television show for the Emeraldburgh Broadcasting Corporation, or EBC for short. Said television show is dedicated to teaching the residents of Emeraldsburgh and its surrounding areas how to remain in shape through the practice of aerobics, and it’s a good effort. We thanked Billy D. for his time and went to take more notes about Club Sour itself. The food and beverages served at the club are of decent quality and the prices charged for purchasing them are also reasonable, so Club Sour is another recommended spot to visit, should you find yourself lucky to be setting foot in Emeraldburgh.
Afterward, Mr. Unger and I took a WAH-lk up the street to get to the local ice cream social, the Gel-WAH-teria, run by an anthropomorphic polar bear named Eirik Eirikkson. He serves some of the finest ice cream that the Emeraldburgh area has on offer, and Mr. Unger and I found that out for ourselves when we ordered some during our visit to the place. While we indulged ourselves in our frozen treats, we also chatted up with Mr. Eirikkson to see if there was anything notable for us to jot down into our Travel Guide notes, and Mr. Eirikkson was able to give us some material to work with. For example, his most trusted employee, Nermal Joan Butcher is a part-timer who works at a variety of other business venues that Mr. Eirikkson happens to own around Emeraldburgh, all while juggling being a fourteen year old high schooler in her freshman year. Quite an admirable feature of Ms. Butcher, I must say. Apart from that, and Waluigi and his band of brothers located within Emeraldburgh being frequent visitors to the establishment, Mr. Eirikkson was unable to tell us a whole lot else about the Gel-WAH-teria that could be worth telling you about here in this Travel Guide, but seeing as the gelato being served at this place is both of good quality and reasonable pricing, the Gel-WAH-teria is another landmark of Emeraldburgh I can recommend you to pay a visit towards while you’re there.
We’d also heard from some of the residents that there have been regular sightings of merpeople at Emeraldburgh Harbor, so Mr. Unger and I went to the Harbor to investigate this for ourselves. Within ten minutes of our arrival at the Harbor and taking a seat at one of the benches, surely enough, a pair of merpeople did emerge from the salty waters. They were both brunettes with pale green eyes and matching pale green fishtails, one of them being male and the other being female, and as such, the mermaid of the pair also had a pale green seashell bra that matched her tail. The pair saw Mr. Unger and I sat by the waterside, and, assuming we had come to see them, beckoned us to come closer for a talk.
The pair were named Tim and Kim Mãman, and they told us that they were married lovers, both in their early 30s in terms of age. From the interview Mr. Unger and I had with Mr. and Mrs. Mãman, we were able to get a lot of material to work with for our Travel Guide. So much, in fact, that I could be sitting here for three hours writing it down, and there’d still be more stuff to talk about that I forgot to mention, so that’s why I’m only gonna give you a sample of the most useful information right here and right now.
According to Mr. and Mrs. Mãman, at a short distance of swimming from Emeraldburgh Harbor lies a coral reef where the two of them live alongside a whole pod full of merpeople who sometimes travel to the Harbor to see the residents that live here and study their way of life so they might learn a thing or two they can apply to their own way of living back in their underwater world that they have dubbed The Great WAH-rrier Reef, in honor of Waluigi and the service he continues to do for the city of Emeraldburgh. Every so often, a merman or mermaid merchant from the Reef also comes up to the harbor to trade with the citizens for goods from the Reef in exchange for goods from the surface world, and it’s been a good economic system for the land and sea dwellers alike ever since its establishment. Glad to see (No pun intended, WAH-HA) that the relations between land and sea in this area go together like bread and butter!
So all in all, if you’re in the mood for fin fun sightings, be sure to drop on by Emeraldburgh Harbor sometime and you might be fortunate enough to chat it up with mermaids and mermen alike, and if you’re really lucky, you might meet with a mermaid or merman merchant you can trade your surface objects for undersea objects with! Kinda like an economic version of Disney’s The Little Mermaid, with the added bonus of no hostility between humankind and merfolk!
There wasn’t a whole lot else Mr. Unger and I were able to see or do while we were in Emeraldburgh since we were working on a deadline here, so after we were done at the Harbor, we had to return to our hotel and sleep so we could catch our plane back to New Wikisburg the next morning. We were still able to get plenty of material to work with for this Travel Guide you’re looking at now though, and I think that it’s needless to say that Mr. Unger and I will definitely be going back to Emeraldburgh for a second visit sometime in the future so we can catch up on anything we may have missed on our first visit.
So, that’s about all there is in terms of Waluigi-related news for this month, Waluigi Fan Club members! Join me again next month, and then I, Wallace Ulysses will take through a spooky world full of WAH-nder, since a troublemaker of Waluigi’s stature is certain to be going on a trick rampage during The ‘Shroom’s annual Halloween Special! Until then, I bid you fare-WAH-ll!
Written by: Gastronomole
PEOPLE GO COOCOO FOR COCONUT CONFECTIONS!
Recently over the past few weeks, a small business has gained popularity due to its wide range of coconut treats, from coconut cakes, to coconut cookies, to even coconut-flavored smoothies and scented candles. The owner, Cocatan the Coconut Crab, announced her business almost half a month ago, and has slowly but surely been gaining popularity. Her business, Coconut Confections, has had upwards of 20 orders a day! And as such, the business has been gaining popularity on Goomtube. Originating from distant tropical islands, Cocatan had ordered 40 coconuts to her island and didn't originally know what to do with them all. However, Cocatan noticed there was a section run by Mr. Waluigi Time where he would answer questions from readers and provide them with advice on the troubles of life. Feeling that it was worth a shot, she asked for advice from Mr. Time, and after reading last month's issue of The 'Shroom, she saw Mr. Time's rather helpful, albeit wacky advice.
After which, she lured in a New England swallow, grabbed all her coconuts, and headed off to the BIG city - New Donk City, that is! After which, she soon began honing and crafting her recipes for all sorts of coconut treats and products, from coconut bath bombs to coconut pies, eventually gaining enough money to run her food truck and take her coconuts on the go! Now creatures big and small can try Cocatan's creations anytime she's around! After hearing about her INCREDIBLE rise to fame, interviewers asked for her thoughts about the sudden popularity.
"Honestly, it's kinda sweet how much some hard work and passion for your craft can lead to something fantastical. But even still, I NEVER expected my little treats to be THIS popular. In all honesty, I have to thank Waluigi Time for his advice. Without it, I would have not only wasted my coconuts, but also never found my true purpose in life! But now, thanks to him, I'm not only the most POPULAR coconut confectionist of all time, I've also managed to go through all 40 of my coconuts! So Mr. WT, if you EVER find yourself wanting to try some coconut pie, you know who to call!"
Alongside this, demand for coconuts has NEVER been higher, with multiple coconut farmers saying they've been able to increase coconut production and shipping by upwards of 9% and rising! As such, coconut farmers are being paid much more for their ability to keep up with the rise in demand for coconuts. Time will only tell for how Cocatan's business will fare in the future. We at The 'Shroom will continue to report on the story as it further unfolds.
Investigative Research
A Formal-ish Introduction
Headrest: Well hello there! Welcome to my brand new section, Investigative Research!
Inquis: You mean OUR section. Also it's not even brand new, we stole this idea from some random guy.
Headrest: w-well I wouldn't say we stole the idea exactly, it's more like we're enhancing it...
Inquis: SPEAK UP, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Headrest: Ah, nevermind that! We should introduce ourselves to our fine readers. My name is Headrest, and I will be your primary host! I am a Bonneter hailing from the Cap Kingdom. And this is...
Inquis: I can introduce myself! I am Inquis, I'm a Koopa. Yeah I know I'm just a common Koopa, so what?
Headrest: Ah... he can be a little rough around the edges but I assure you dear reader that he's a great investigative journalist! Anyways in case the name didn't give it away, this section will be devoted to our investigations into many different things in this wonderous world (and beyond) that we live in, and this month's episode....
Inquis: You know Shy Guys right? Those tiny little red guys that wear those freaky masks. Well we got a tip from an anonymous source that they run a secret underground gameshow. So we're gonna go find 'em and expose 'em.
Headrest: Expose is such a strong word... how about we just document them?
The Beginning
To be honest with you all, me and Inquis hadn't the faintest clue how to begin our investigation at first, so we both decided to take a trip into the Shy Guy's Toy Box to see if we could ask around. Once inside, Inquis began aggressively looking around for clues rather aimlessly whilst I floated my way over to a Black Shy Guy, to who I politely asked if they knew how I could access "the show". My Koopa companion laughed at me, saying my attempt to appear as if I knew what I was talking about was... ahem, "so hilariously faked that even a Chain Chomp would be able to call me out"... the Black Shy Guy just stared at me, I think he was confused but it's hard to tell with those masks that they wear.
Having learnt nothing from the Shy Guy myself, I let Inquis take a shot at trying to get information out of him... oh what a mistake that was. Inquis walked right over to the Shy Guy, and began shouting at him! At first I felt bad for the small guy, but then WHAM!, Inquis was knocked right out! What a tough little guy. With Inquis out of operation, I was left to enquire on my own, so I floated around the Toy Box until I found a group of Shy Guys huddled around a TV. I tried to get a peek at what they were watching but they would always change the channel when I got close. They were hiding something, I just had to find out what exactly they were hiding, but how could I get them to trust me? I spent a silly amount of time trying to sneak up on them, but those small guys were seriously observant! I had just about given up when I realised something so obvious: I'm a Bonneter! I went back to the Black Shy Guy, who was still hanging out with my unconscious friend, and threw myself onto his head and took control. With this brilliant disguise, I was able to get close to the TV crowd and lay my eyes upon the TV, unfortunately I was only able to get there in time for the credits, but I did see one thing... I saw a name: Shy Guys Finish Last!
I returned the Shy Guy to the same location I captured him before possessing Inquis to wake him up (Inquis: I hate it when he does that), we had an actual name so now our investigation was really beginning to kick off.
We Have a Name!
Now that we had a name, the first thing we did was put it into the internet, of course! I can't type because my hands are incorporeal, but thankfully Inquis has physical hands so we hadn't hit a roadblock. As I expected, he immediately got distracted (Inquis: I did not!) but eventually I got him to actually search up the name I had found. Unsurprisingly we didn't find much information, it wouldn't be a secret if we could just look it up on the internet, would it? But we did not leave our search empty-handed, though we had to go to unheard of territories: the second page of search results, where we found a post on the "Shy Guy Message Boards" detailing an event list for a show that matched the name I'd heard. The events listed were: Ring Scramble, Race 'n' Place, Ninji Skills, Bath Math, and the elusive Sudden Death.
This was all a lot to take in, but that wasn't all, because under the very same post was a comment from a user called 'SuperSnifv1' saying "ugh shy guys finish last? really? snifit or whiffit is just better."
Wow. So now we find out that the cousins of the Shy Guys are involved now too? And they have a gameshow of their own? AND we know from the event names for the Shy Guy show that Ninjis have to be involved too. So many leads, it was honestly becoming overwhelming, we didn't know where to go next. (Inquis: I did.) After some thought, I decided the best next location for us would be to go to Shroom City, formerly Snif City and more importantly still hosts a notable Snifit population.
After a long journey, we made it. Thankfully I don't have legs so walking through the desert wasn't a problem... Inquis on the other hand... (Inquis: Don't act like you were never tired when you spent half the journey on my head!!) Shroom City was nice, the locals were friendly and the city was rather good looking, but we were here solely to enquire with some Snifits. We looked around the city but couldn't find any, and so we eventually caved and decided to ask some of the Toad population if they knew were they were. We were mostly given weird looks but eventually got directed to behind an old building where we did indeed find some Snifits, I think they were digging through the trash...? Regardless, they were a lot less secretive than the Shy Guys, Inquis blatantly asked them if they knew about the Snifit gameshow and they actually told us everything! Including some bad news: Snifit or Whiffit travelled around, it was never hosted in one single place making it relatively difficult to actually locate a live show. Me and Inquis thought we had hit a dead end until my Koopa companion noticed a pamphlet amongst the trash the Snifits had been digging through, a pamphlet advertising something going under the name "SGFL - Shangri-Spa"... that acronym lined up perfectly with "Shy Guys Finish Last", could this be the gameshow we had been searching for this whole time? There was only one way to find out! It was time to visit Shangri-La at the Shangri-Spa!
Spa Day
After a whole day of even more travelling, me and Inquis had made it to the spa and we could not have been happier! We were both exhausted, but we had to remember why we were here. It was time to thoroughly look around the place to find any clues we could. (Inquis: We saw like... three Ninjis we could've questioned, Headrest just wanted an excuse to visit all the springs...)
One very very relaxing trip around the Spa later, and we hadn't found anything! Thankfully we had spotted some inconspicuous Ninjis hanging around, they weren't using the springs so they must've been here for something else. I instructed Inquis to keep an eye on them whilst I soaked into the background. (Inquis: Why couldn't I relax in the spring?! I actually have limbs!) Eventually he caught them making some moves, I threw myself onto Inquis' head and had him use me to possess the Ninji at the back of the group. We followed the group through some cliff edges and through a small cave and suddenly... we were here! I saw the crowd, the host, the stage: this was Shy Guys Finish Last alright, and we had successfully infiltrated our way backstage!
We were looking around still using the captured Ninji (Inquis: This really doesn't feel very moral) when the lights suddenly shut off and music began playing, the show had started! We decided to watch from backstage with the other Ninjis, and oh my, what an interesting show! I tried following along with the rounds, but it all kept making my head spin! About halfway through the show, we got suddenly pushed onto stage alongside the other Ninjis, we had become part of the show! (Inquis: I was worried they were gonna make me dance) Not having any idea what we were supposed to do was scary, but it was actually really simple, they just threw a box over our head and shuffled us around and then let the contestant find us! Once our part was done, we headed back to backstage where we watched the rest of the show, but one thing was on my mind this whole time: why is this whole thing such a secret? It's not like anybody was in any danger... or so I thought, because then the Sudden Death round happened! The contestant was placed inside of a cannon and had to answer a set of questions correctly, if they got any wrong they would be shot out of it - straight to their doom! Thankfully, this contestant answered correctly... phew... and as it turns out, the Sudden Death round is completely optional, though I wouldn't say that makes it moral. (Inquis: Optional? No fun!)
Our Findings
Headrest: So there you have it! In the end, we found out that there really is a secret underground game show hosted by Shy Guys, and not only that, but along the way we discovered that similar shows are held by others, like the Snifits!
Inquis: It's a shame we never got to see Snifit or Whiffit in the end, I bet that one is more violent!
Headrest: Hush, it's a good thing that nobody got hurt. As fun as the whole show was, I'm not sure I agree with the ethics of the Sudden Death round being so... literal.
Inquis: Speak for yourself! Besides, I don't think you can complain about moral ethics when you keep possessing people.
Headrest: I'm not causing any harm, uh, I think...
Inquis: If only you knew how it felt to be possessed... ugh... shudders
Headrest Regardless of all that, thanks ever so for reading! We hope to see you next month!
Inquis: Yeah, if we haven't been sued for copyright infringement...
A Big Shortage of Waluigi Time Cereal Products Is Happening
Hello to all breakfasters. You may know that WT Cereal products are hard to buy in stores right now. People are mad over the shortage and are having to turn to eating rival cereals for their breakfast meals. These rival cereals taste sooo horrible, but consumers must endure them just for the sake of eating cereal. Consumers are reporting bad tastes as they switch to WT's rival cereal (a.k.a. Rool Cereal), and complain that they miss the taste of WT Cereal products.
The reason for the shortage is unrelated to the mafia, but is related to ghosts. Ten ghosts, including Vincent Overpriced and Bela Lactosi, are secretly going to WT Cereal's warehouse on Mondays and eating the cereals within, consuming maybe an average of 20kg of WT Cereal products based on police data. Also, the police have found some photos in the warehouse.
In a meeting with the press, company representative Mr. Shbeeg said various options had been considered at the board meeting, including hiring of paranormal expert Professor Elvin Gadd or the ghost-hunting Luigi. However, in the middle of the meeting, company CEO Waluigi Time suddenly appeared to announce he is pursuing a licensing deal with the ghosts to use their likenesses for an upcoming Halloween-themed product.
To get more perspective on the matter, this reporter entered the haunted warehouse and spoke with Mr. Clunky, one of the ghosts taking residence within. Here's what the spirit said:
OK! I ate a ton of cereals. I ate maybe ten whole cereal boxes by myself.
For now, it seems Waluigi Time Cereal Inc. remains at an impasse, so the shortage will continue. Residents hoping for a return to normalcy in their breakfast routines have started a campaign to find an exorcist, but it remains to be seen if the company will acknowledge or accept their efforts. Also, regarding WT's rival cereals, Rool Cereal is now is set to be recalled due to bad quality. Remember, you will again see WT Cereal products in stores at mass levels, just remember about the ghost. I now say goodbye and thank you for reading.
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
Bowser's Tower: Towering above the rest
I, Cosmo, bearer of travel information, am back, with more travel guides, because what else, and I need to end this sentence soon, look at all those commas! Anyway, Bowser, King of the Koopas, has recently announced an opening of a holiday resort, known as Bowser's Tower. I have been offered a large sum of money to review this menacing monument, so here we go!
Floors
Bowser's Tower is, as suggested by the name, a tower. I probably didn't need to tell you that. Anyhoo, it is thirty stories tall, with each story containing a very different thing. Let's discuss each floor, then I get to go home.
Lobby
Here's where you can check in, and take the stairs to more interesting rooms. Lobbies aren't that interesting, what am I supposed to say? Uh, nice chairs.
Cafe
They sell literally every kind of food here. Burgers? Check. Cookies? You got it. Jellied moose nose? I don't know if that's real, but it's on the menu.
Floor three: Cheap rooms
These rooms are awful! I swear, the conditions are better in the alleyway outside! What a miserable excuse for a suite. Good price, though.
Theater
A big, big screen where you can watch alright movies! It often screens hits such as Stompin' Koopas, Paper Mario: The Movie, and even the classic Innertube Goombaception.
Goomba talent show
Watch incredibly talented Goombas do their thing. Popular performances include making a tower, stacking on top of each other, and creating a vertical line upwards together.
Everyone else talent show
This is a talent show for anyone who isn't a Goomba. Kinda feels like they wasted a floor, but oh well!
Standard rooms
These are pretty average rooms at pretty average prices. Pretty average mints on your pillow, pretty average beds, it's a pretty average time.
Jail
Why is there a jail at a resort? Maybe it's for all the troublemakers who visit. Or maybe it's for princesses. Maybe they're troublemaking princesses!
Pool
Sounds pretty normal, right? Surprisingly safe for a pool that Bowser made. There's safety signs, lifeguards, railings. All good, except for the fact there's lava instead of water. Small issue, I suppose.
Chain Chomp deathtrap
No, not a deathtrap for Chain Chomps, but actually a deathtrap for regular people filled with Chain Chomps. Don't enter unless you are interested in being submerged in lava, crushed by a sentient metal ball, or eaten by said sentient metal ball.
Concert hall
Bowser is actually a great musician, and so are the Koopalings. In fact, the Koopa Kingdom is filled with musicians, so it's nice to have a place to watch them perform. There's a show every night, so don't worry about missing out.
Game show room
This is where they film numerous game shows, like Snifit or Whiffit and certain episodes of Mario Party. You could even be a contestant, or just part of the live show audience. And the likelihood of death is only seventy percent! I think that's low.
Newsagent
A few of the people here recognised me as that writer of that travel guide! Usually people only recognise me as CEO of an extremely successful business empire, so that's a step up! Anyway, they sell news here. From The Crown City Times to The 'Shroom to The Daily Bugle, whatever that one is, if it's a newspaper, you'll probably find it here.
Movie Studio
Where they make movies that are featured in the aforementioned cinema. There's rumors swirling that Boo Cinemas is planning to take over soon, which would probably be good, cause they make good movies. I'm so tired, only fifteen or so floors left!
Skiing simulator
How oddly specific… This is a simulator of skiing where you can simulate skiing. It's run by a murderous snowman as well, so it's got some personality. Why, though? Why such a specific thing?
Luxury rooms
Oh yeah, this is what I'm looking for. Top quality suites that I could live in for the rest of my life. They're a little pricey, though. By that I mean very pricey. Worth it, kinda.
Gym
I don't see why people on holiday are still hoping to be able to submit themselves to torture, I mean exercise. The whole point is resting and having fun, not lifting weights until your arms explode or whatever happens when you work out.
Jim
Hang on, you won't get the joke unless you say it out loud. Gym, Jim. Get it? Comedy gold! Jim, gym, Jim, gym. Gym, Jim. Hahahaha, it's not that funny.
Airship docks
I don't have to explain this one, do I? Airships dock here. Oops, I did it anyway. I think this is mainly meant to be practical and not fun, but I hate practicality and love fun! BOOOO! Anyway, the airships bring all the boys to the yard important things to the tower, like food, weapons, and more weapons.
Armoury
Here's where they put all the weaponry from the airships. This resort is starting to feel like a military base, actually.
Games room
Nevermind! It's the staple of every single hotel or resort or caravan park or whatever, a games room! Pool, air hockey, crane games, all that stuff. It's even got Waluigi Pinball!
Souvenir store
This is where I'd put that fancy box telling you about a souvenir, but while I was visiting, the souvenir store blew up, so sorry about that. IT WASN'T ME, YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING!
Botanical garden
This is a lovely, peaceful little garden with all kinds of flowers and carnivorous plants. Fire Flowers, Piranha Plants, Ice Flowers, Piranha Creeper plants, Bubble Flowers, and Petey Piranha. Actually, I read somewhere that Piranha Plants aren't even plants, so you could classify this place as a petting zoo, I suppose.
Garage
Why have a garage so high up? And why does it only contain karts? Kinda weird if you ask me. If you even want to leave a kart here, you have to drive it up all the stairs! They should REALLY add an elevator.
Crypt
Why even…? I thought it couldn't get any weirder, but here we have the bones of Bowser, even though he's still alive. How does that even work? Anyway, the bones are quite dangerous and somehow function without organs or muscles. Probably magic or something, I think Boo1268 knows a thing or two about necromancy. Well, of course he would, he's dead.
Outrageously expensive rooms
The luxury rooms were enough. Are you sure you need everything in these rooms to be made out of gold, gems or similarly expensive building materials? I'm not sure if even Bowser can afford to stay here.
Gallery
DO NOT JUMP IN THE PAINTINGS! I REPEAT, DON'T JUMP IN! YOU WILL LIKELY DIE! Heck, why are there even worlds inside the paintings? E. Gadd should answer some of these questions, instead of making more vacuums. Or maybe DryBonesBandit.
Empty room
It's an empty void. Makes you think. Like, what if I'm just a puppet to some higher entity, controlling my thoughts and actions, to entertain others. Maybe my existence is purely words on a computer. That would suck.
Freezer
A freezer for the Cafe, to store food. Remember, the one on the second floor? This place is so stupid. This is why I couldn't get any ice-cream!
Throne room
Bowser has one of these at his castle, but I guess he wanted another. I tried getting a quote for this travel guide, but he was busy. I heard a few wahoos from the roof, so he's probably fighting Mario again.
Conclusion
This was meant to be shorter than usual, but I can't actually tell if it was. Oh well, I hope you enjoyed it anyway. If you didn't, be sure to come down to the forums and publicly humiliate me! Between you and me, I don't actually know what these "forums" are, but it's mandatory to put them at the end of every issue. Tune in next time for more wacky shenanigans! Buh-bye!
Fungal Forager's Field Guide
Written by: Patisserie Shoey (talk) and W.P. Hoodington (talk)
The following modified transcript is provided to The 'Shroom by MKBC. In this month's episode, the Fungal Forager's Field Guide's crew head to the Flower Kingdom to pick a bouquet of Talking Flowers.
Species: Talking Flower
Documented Range: Flower Kingdom, with recent spread into the Mushroom Kingdom
Clade: Articulate Angiospermae
Naturalist's Note: Conversation is as important to the health of Talking Flowers as water! If you want them to grow well, talk with them daily!
Talking Flowers are quite hardy plants, able to grow in the low-illumination Fungi Mines, in the blazing hot Deep Magma Bog, and even on the frozen Fluff-Puff Peaks. This adaptability, they owe to their compact body plan and their flexibility in acquiring nutrients. While a Talking Flower is capable of extending roots into the soil in favorable conditions, they are not confined to a sessile life. Their root systems grow only shallowly, and wither away when environmental conditions turn unfavorable, allowing Talking Flowers to uproot themselves and move on. Using their thick sepals, they fly a short distance into the air, where they possess some mobility and are able to hover all but indefinitely. While not capable of long-distance travel without the assistance of species such as Bulrushes and Poplins, they can certainly get themselves to a patch of soil in which they are able to thrive! You may wonder how they obtain nutrients without roots once they have exhausted their stores; simply, they eat. Those flexible petals and deep mouth aren't only good for gabbing! Talking Flowers can capture, hold, and consume small prey such as insects and rodents.
Don't come to expect a Talking Flower in your home to snap up flies and other household pests, however! These little botanical gourmands are quite opinionated when it comes to the taste and texture of foods. Why, I've heard of a woman in Koopa Village who bought a Talking Flower with the expectation it would consume the Fuzzies sneaking into her home. It succeeded in capturing one... then immediately exclaimed "Pyuck! Now I know what it's like to have a hairball...". After which, not only did the flower refuse to consume a single Fuzzy more, but it tried to instruct her to cook for it, saying things like "You know, I'd eat a chunk of pork marinated in a sweet vinegar-based sauce and slow-cooked to tenderness...". Eventually she quelled its appetite simply by moving it to her garden and allowing it to plant its roots. I'm told it also spared her the flower's critique of her interior decorating. It would say such things as "White bricks with green trim are soooo retro, don't you want some modern renovations?". Ah, what fun flora... They make for great companions, truly, but be prepared to learn their tastes in great detail should you bring them into your home!
Speaking of matters of taste, there is one more trait of Talking Flowers which we must cover, lest I do you a disservice. Now knowing that Talking Flowers are able to eat and taste their meals, you should be able to surmise that they have a medium into which their food dissolves in their mouthpiece. Yes, that's right! In other words, Talking Flowers produce saliva! Not only does it assist them in tasting what they eat, but it lubricates their petals when they speak, preventing chafing and damage. I'm told by my colleague that this saliva is quite sweet, comparable to honeydew, though I myself have not had the pleasure of partaking. According to recent research, different cultivars of Talking Flowers produce saliva of different tastes. In particular, the red and blue varieties of the Sunbaked Desert are said to produce a saliva with reduced sweetness that produces a tingling sensation and with less viscosity than the standard yellow cultivar, respectively.
It seems that these charming flowers spread rapidly through the Mushroom Kingdom each day, and not without reason! They are charming companions and fascinating plants, and it's little surprise that we would invite them into our homes and bring them to commentate on our sports. If you've found yourself uncertain whether a Talking Flower is right for you, well, I will tell you that they can alleviate your loneliness and provide you with a sweet treat. Just be prepared to hear what they have to say, because they have plenty!
Delicacy Status: Conversational Vegetation
Weight: Approximately 20 grams
Flavor Profile: Crunchy Honey
Chef's Tip: Talking Flowers can bring much-needed entertainment during the more tedious parts of cooking!
The main body of the Talking Flower, on the other hand, consists of several different edible parts. Unfortunately, not all of it is particularly good. The leaves, I would say, have a taste and crunch similar to lettuce, and they're fairly big so if you're cooking with a Talking Flower, you can use the leaves as a lettuce substitute for, like, lettuce wraps or salads since you're using the plant anyways. Just don't go out of your way to seek out the leaves if you're not using the whole plant; they're just not very special.
Where the real culinary value of the Talking Flower comes from is its mouth and stem! So a lot of people don't realize this, but Talking Flowers, much like Toads and Humans, do produce saliva, but unlike Toads and Humans, Talking Flowers only do it while they're talking. The saliva has a very sweet dewdrop/honey flavor and can be the perfect complement to a grilled salad. So I like to get them talking for around five to ten minutes to really let the saliva saturate the mouth and stem, but obviously you should do some experimentation to find your perfect level of sweetness. I like to cut the stems in small vertical slices while dicing the mouthpiece into cubes before adding them to the rest of my salad. But that's just for a salad. What about something heartier?
Well, one thing you can do is something almost similar to a lettuce wrap. I've found that the mouthpiece actually has a decent amount of stretch to it. So preheat the oven to 425°F, then after, I'd say three to five minutes of conversation, stuff a chicken breast, a chopped carrot, half a chopped potato, and maybe some chopped onions if you're into that sort of thing into the mouth while giving just a little dash of salt and pepper into the mouth. Then, oven bake for 30-35 minutes and you'll have a perfect sweetened chicken salad with the honey-like saliva literally soaking into the chicken breast! It is delectable!
The Talking Flower is a very easy thing to incorporate into your cooking. Honestly, the most annoying thing about them is that they won't stop trying to give me cooking tips while I'm making them! "A breaded chicken breast over a grilled one will give you better texture", "if you pour a little balsamic vinegar into my mouth it'll balance out the sweetness", "you should chop me into thicker pieces to give your salad better crunch", it's like nonstop backseat cooking! It's so annoying. I mean, I'm like, shut up, you you're a plant! What do you know about cooking!? The other thing is, unlike most of my dishes, Talking Flower dishes are what I like to call "keep to yourself" dishes. While they're delicious, in my experience, trying to break them out at dinner parties or family dinners just gets you awkward silence, judgmental looks, and mutterings of "what the hell's wrong with you?". For some reason, people really have a problem with eating Talking Flowers... weirdos. But yeah, if you are going to use Talking Flowers, I just wouldn't do it in front of anybody else!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 222 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
