Crash Bandicoot is a tool of the feminist monsters.

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The Best Thing

http://warioforums.com/index.php


The bright minds of the Mario fandom.

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Gee, I wonder why Nintendo doesn't "listen to its fans"..?

“ Yes, this will seem like Complaining About Games I Don't Play, dismissed as trolling, and promptly deleted, but I just want to vent.

Okay, first up: Mario.

First point: The Mushroom Kingdom is a Sugar Bowl compared to anything resembling the real world. I know, games shouldn't try to look real, right? Wrong. I want to be able to feel like this place might just exist, and in making the Mushroom Kingdom such a Sickeningly Sweet place, Nintendo has alienated me from the series.

Second, the characters. There's barely any characterization at all. Bowser's the villain, Peach is the princess that needs rescued, and the Mario brothers are the dudes who do the rescuing. Beyond that, there's nothing at all to tell you why you should do anything.

So what do I propose? Replace the Mario brothers. The next time Bowser kidnaps Peach, the brothers will gladly go in to rescue her, but this time King Koopa ain't messin' around. He kills the two guys when they enter his throne room. However, needing heroes, a new portal to the kingdom opens. This time, two mafia hitmen emerge, Mario and Luigi Corleone(yeah, I know, I just pulled that name straight from The Godfather, but it's all I could think of for American-Italians mafiosi. Sorry.). Their cover is that their family business is plumbing, but these two guys are here to kill people. They've got Tommy guns, Browning Automatic Rifles and Colt M1911s. They hear of the kidnapped princess and decide to take on the job just for the cash. They kill their way through the Koopa hordes. Bowser is killed when a .30-06 round goes through his left eye. Peach is rescued, but neither of them get any romantic vibe. For these two, it's "Strictly business." ”

rallyfan 9000

“Finally, I suggest that Bowser get his own spinoff, where he leads his Koopa Kingdom against the same new villain created for the Mario games. Only it would be a darker, violent, badass action game that is the antithesis of the Mario games, and not comical like the Wario games. Something that older, action-game-loving people could enjoy. Shigeru Miyamoto may hate violence in games, but there must be someone at Nintendo that can adapt the upcoming Wii U to a more possibly M-Rated game like this. I think it's important to give Bowser a total badass edge to be a potentially M-Rated game, even having become a permanent ally. We could even have enemies that can shoot up towards the giant Bowser and hurt his health points.

These ideas would never be valid unless Nintendo accepts them, as it's their decision. I just think it would be better. The Galaxy games may be huge hits, but I think if they keep making the good guys weaker than they should be (games should have a challenge, but this isn't worth it), it's going to be bad news.”

Tom Khan 86

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Mario Party 3 had the best storyline for me. Eight characters trapped in a hell dimension where the only way to escape is to kill eachother one by one using beasts of burden. The winner becomming a proverbial god as the superstar of the universe.”
needlewarbler

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“In a faraway kingdom known as sarasaland, princess Daisy starts up the pilgrimage to the flames of Sarasa. The festivities are halted by King Koopa (Bowser to us nostalgic types) who tries to kidnap her because she wears one of the power stars. His plans are stopped by the red blaze known as Mario the Jumpman as he saves Daisy and takes her away from Koopa. As he does, a ominous figure comments that he's found the daimos catalyst.

This figure is known as Waluigi the wicked. He, along with his companion Ashley the Witch, come from a dystopian future and have been sent back by a mysterious figure known as Wawario. Also, the fan favorites Wario the jumpman and Mona the tramp make apperances just because. Long story short: time travel hijinx, power of teamwork, annoying filler characters resulting in an ending that writes itself out of existance, effectively making this whole thing a waste of time. And then Tom fulp and Mike Matei of Game Chumps make a 120 part Lp of it.

Meanwhile, Amy's castle spews smoke from it and when Sonic goes and checks it out, Amy gets kidnapped by Robotnik jr!”

Toad. T

“The climactic reveal of SMB3 [in The Wizard] is burned – no, seared – into my memory the way JFK’s assassination was for my parents’ generation… or the way 9/11 would be for mine a scant 12 years from then…”
Bob Chipman

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“Nintendo tried to emulate GTA3 with Super Mario Sunshine and it failed miserably, marking the only game in Nintendo's history where they caved into external pressure; with awful results.

See Also

- Big Budget 'AAA' The Wire esque plot of corruption and character framing instead of traditional, simple Mario plot.
- Introducing mature characters for older audiences such as Toadsworth
- Giving Mario a gun
- Urban open world setting influenced by Rio de Janeiro
- Overly cinematic (Plane landings, court cases, police)
- Implications of controversial sex scene with Bowser Jr as Peach's Son story

It was SO fucking bad, and pretty much directly parallels what is happening to the Halo IP right now. Thank the goddess for Galaxy, it saved the IP.”

Conor 419

“What if Reggie [for VGX] comes out with a bunch of people dressed in Ape suits and does a kind of dance routine with them, even inviting Geoff into the mix (he'll fight back of course, but he won't resist long), and then they will choreograph it so they don't unveil an old Cranky Kong in a wooden chair until the end (who will complain about the dancing). Then Reggie can take out a banana and eat it as they roll out with the new character reveal trailer. I think if they can do it with enough pizzazz and charisma it would do a lot to get people hyped.

I think this could actually work to the benefit of Nintendo if they did something like this. The video would obviously go viral and that would basically be free advertisement for the Wii U. Not only that, in a few weeks you'd see everyone doing the "Cranky Dance" in clubs and in music videos, basically a Soulja Boy or Gangnam Style type situation.
Nintendo honestly needs to pull a stunt like this if they want to stay relevant. ”

SirShandy and PunjabiPlaya


“The Wii U is different from the original Wii console because it has a sort of tablet accessory called a gamepad. Kelly Bohm bought the Wii U as soon as it came out, and she's been a little disappointed. "There's not enough games to play on it," Bohm says. "It's like, you want to play more with the console because it's a cool concept, having the touch pad."

But this past fall Nintendo came out with Super Mario 3D World specifically for the Wii. Mario's a plumber who goes on a lot of adventures.

"This one's a lot better," Bohm says. "A lot of the levels in the Mario game require you to use the touch pad. You have to press buttons to unlock things or open pathways and stuff like that."”

npr

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“I'm not forcing [Wario and Waluigi] to do any kind of same-sex relationship but that would be progressive from them.”
Grizzo


“Everytime there isn’t a DK rap in a game, part of me dies inside.”
Rich Amtower, employee of Treehouse

“I learned the phrase "Kiss my dick and suck my ass" from Mystical Ninja...
I learned the phrase "Snap Pussy" from Super Mario RPG...
God Almighty I realize now that most games take things and themes from real life. Videogames took my life away like the Natives during colonial times. Before Videogames my life was paradise like the series Ann Of Green Gables.
Yes I laughing right now..I want to go home to my beautiful feilds green on the slanted rock. ”

RegalSin

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“The western world has its own form of discrimination that continues to this day. Instead of looking down on people by the color of their skin or their faith, they look down on those who stick to Nintendo's consoles. The amount of prejudice has not changed one bit, only the form it has taken.
Given the comparison, I'd stick with phobias of skin color and origin of birth rather than hardware choice. At least the former can be ignored easily.”

Raining Metal

“What if Waluigi is a princess and Nintendo just hasn't told us yet? .”
ReBurn

“I have often suggested Yoshi should have filled the Gears/Uncharted slot Nintendo doesn't have sewn up. Over the shoulder egg missile and watermelon seed combat. Tongue melee. Yoshi's Island crayon style maps. Heaven.”
Pie and Beans

“Show me someone who doesn't think Waluigi is sexy and I'll show you some sort of sex criminal.”
Jim Sterling

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“just stick a huge {{refneeded}} on the end of that section until we can cite news footage depicting mass burnings of WarioWare Touched, interviews with clearly disgruntled parents holding their crying Wario-loving children and statements issued by the catholic church condemning the character Ashley and her 'demon guardian' Red to enternal fire, then we call it a controversy.”
Our very own GBAToad.

“However at the same time, DKC has it's dark side. Europe had it's pro blackexploitation parade. As with Pa-rappa the Rappa...Back when black people was considered normal, and the world was normal. I world was soooo cool during those days...
Rareware on the N64 with DKC was the biggest disapointment ever in my life. I ripped open the box and viewed the rap intro and then went back to bed with my eyes closed tight.”

RegalSin (again)

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“The other notable omission is in the cast of characters’ diversity. After 30 years there are still zero Mario characters of color, a problem that Mario Kart 8 highlights by lining up all the characters on a single screen. When it comes to human characters, Mario Kart 8 is overwhelmingly white. Of the 29 drivers, 14 are human (including Toad and Toadette), and every single one of them is white. While it’d be atypical of Nintendo to introduce new characters into a Mario Kart game, it’s also where the deficit is the most obvious, and during play I found myself disappointed that Nintendo’s stable of characters so painfully fails to reflect the diversity of its audience.”
Paste Magazine

“[In response to the question "Is Cranky Kong Donkey Kong's father or Grandfather?"]

According to the June 1992 issue of Nintendo Power, Cranky Kong is officially Donkey Kong's second uncle who assumed a father-figure role after all of the other elders in Donkey Kong's family were ritualistically castrated and thrown into a volcano by the island's local tribe to appease the Great Spirit of Hiroshi Yamauchi and wish great success upon the Seattle Mariners.”

Mike Works

Mario Kart is far too Mario oriented.”
Lkr

“Long after civilisation has fallen and the Earth naught but a barren wasteland, a continuous stream of Mario vs Donkey Kong releases will be the only surviving artefact of our modern day society. The endless expanse of charred post-apocalyptic earth surveyed forlornly by an ancient bebearded Mr. Hyle Russell as he collects his copy of Mario vs. Donkey Kong: Mini Cheddar Chaos!!!!”
Waddle Dedede

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“Honestly cancelled both my preorders. Ashley is my light and one of the few remaining things that makes me smile.

I love you Ashley, my treasure, my angel, my heart.”

someone on 4Chan

poochy would not burn me. poochy teaches absolute forgiveness. in the gospel of 1:E poochy ain't stupid, no matter how many times yoshi strayed from the path and burnt in the lava, poochy was always waiting for him to come back.

furthermore, there's nothing to forgive. what i've done in bringing this to the attention of the public is precisely in line with the teachings of poochy. poochy is not a deceitful god who plays tricks to win the hearts of the people through enforced ignorance. poochy teaches no secrecy. witness the gospel of 3:2 jungle rhythm..., in which poochy guided yoshi to hidden treasures, trusting him to use them wisely. a true faith in poochy can be based only in seeing the path of heresy, understanding why it is wrong, and consciously rejecting it”

Our very own twentytwofiftyseven.

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“Lanky is a poor man's Manky Kong. Manky Kong's rich, layered characterization was the reason I have a Manky Kong tattoo on my inner thigh. Under it? Comic sans lettering that reads "Fuck it. I'mma be me." Manky Kong embodies a carefree individualism that inspires me on a daily basis.

At my nephew's funeral I was "escorted" from the cemetery premises because my "drunken yelping" about Manky Kong was apparently "highly inappropriate" and "disrespectful". My nephew was a Lanky Kong fan. A fan of that fucking circus reject. Sure my nephew passed far too young but Manky Kong said it best in my Manky Kong fanfic, "From the Treetops I Watch the World Scream: Part 1", when he dryly uttered, "Burn in hell, chimp. Burn in hell." ”

Spuzzwick

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“One night under heavy doses of narcotics, I was playing Super Mario Bros. 3 and one of my friends thought it would be funny to record what I was saying so I could hear myself later when I was coherent. Here is a transcription of the things I said:
Oh shit! I got the shoe! I'm so invincible! Oh! Eat it, you bitch! You don't understand! I got the damn SHOE! It's the shoe! And look at how cute I am with my stupid plumber head poking out of the wind up sock! I am the cutest invincible shoe rider ever! Mario! Mario! He's in the ULTRA green SHOOEEE!
This went on for about 10 more minutes as I kept bouncing back and forth on the level screaming nonsense about the damn shoe until the time ran out. We sent a copy to my mom. I heard she cried.”

Seanbaby

“Waluigi is the logical end point of capitalism. His existence is the triumph of capital over creativity; he has no reason to exist beyond adding a simulacrum of novelty to a declining commodity. He is the committee designed end point of a franchise alienated from the ideas of play. To choose to play as Waluigi is the ultimate act of false consciousness, you may tell yourself you can engineer some kind of enjoyment when in reality this cynically designed character is playing you. Where one could see some joy in the running, jumping, shell throwing antics of the Super Mario Bros Waluigi brings nothing new to the table; he is simply an invitation to buy the latest iteration of Mario Tennis. Like the New Super Mario Bros games and the futile non-existence of Funky Kong Waluigi is Nintendo cynically selling back to you something you’ve already bought and demanding that you enjoy it.”
Lucy Pinder

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bluster brings me many feelings that I've never felt beforeBusters is such a character that can be played in so many words he is dunk on countries villain it's like saying if there is no bluster then what is the point such as in the real life if there is no George W Bush then what would the point be a villain dies in the 2000 election”
KiddyKong

“Super Mario is probably the most popular game in the world. From kids to old people, everyone knows about this game. Year after year, Nintendo doesn't disappoint with Mario series game releases. I am officially addicted to this game. Another thing that I really enjoy and kind of addicted to is online poker. If you get going, there is easy cash to be made. That's why I like this game so much.”
The Super Mario Bros. HQ frontpage.

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“I recall reading about the author who was hired to write the novelization of the first Halo game saying that his book was a series of passages about Master Chief running and shooting because he was hired to write the book version of Halo and that running and shooting was all he saw in the game. The author of this book similarly wrote about only running and jumping, but sells itself as finally being THE book to treat games with a trained critical eye. This is not a book of game criticism. I say this as a person who has written numerous articles and a book on critical analyses of game environments, levels, and worlds for respected publications. Super Mario Bros. 3 deserves better than this lazy effort.”
Chris Totten on Super Mario Bros. 3: Brick by Brick

“What do you think happens to a goomba when you jump on it? It just disappears into magic pixie dust? No. It's horrible. You crush its fuckin' guts right out of its body. Then its family has to take this pureed mess of mushroom and spaghetti that used to be their son, stick him in a box, and put it in the ground. An entire nation of harmless defenseless mushroom people (they don't even have arms to fight back, for christ's sake) put to the brink of extinction because their dragon king pissed off a homicidal mustache god.

Compared to the horrors of that, Rob Zombie X Anders Brevik Simulator: Hatred, is a light fluffy harem fantasy world for schoolboys.”

BryanM


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“When they realized how bad Super Mario World was they should have pulled the plug on Miyamoto and gone a different direction. Instead, they went with the guy, crappy games and all, and we saw inferior 16 bit updates to their 8 bit games, a glut of mediocrity and stagnation, until Sega re-entered the console market with Saturn. Playstation and Saturn revived and reinvented things. There WAS no enjoyable 3d home gaming until these systems were launched. Hell, there was very little enjoyable console gaming period. And what was his re-entry into the fray? Mario 64. "Here we gooooooooh!" Mariosounds like a retarded elf now. Great. What's more? The gameplay has been taken from an intense, multi-paced, precision experience and turned into Disney on acid. Miyamoto no longer has the ability to make a good game. I am not top old for his games; his concepts are too old for the gamer's needs. We've evolved, he's still rehashing his original titles. ”
Usenet user CoffeeCiga, 2001

“Wario is difficult to creepy pasta because you have to follow canon in order for one to be any good. That's why I deduce the logical way for this to go is that these are all written by American videogame culture intellectuals. I prefer Wario over Mario because with more reason means less actual fear but more actual reality in the situation. Similar to Sonic '06 and L's design in Death Note. I conclude my findings hear however I believe the reason why this is entertaining is as complicated as human life, birth, knowledge, and maybe farther. ”
Bubba

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“The scary part of all this is that there are probably still a number of ways that terrorists could send messages to each other without speaking a word, if they really wanted to. An ISIS agent could spell out an attack plan in Super Mario Maker’s coins and share it privately with a friend, or two Call of Duty players could write messages to each other on a wall in a disappearing spray of bullets. ”
Paul Tassi

“The item in question is shaped exactly like a Goomba’s body and wearing it will cause enemies to ignore you. [...] Unfortunately, a small controversy has been stirred up on a number of gaming forums that I frequently visit. A number of people have expressed concern that Mario and friends could very well be wearing the deceased corpse of the Goomba they just stomped on. ”
A Legend of Localization reader

“The year 1996 has arrived. A jamboree of fuckin' ugly scuttlebugs. are rising from a parallel universe.
A Press rate skyrockeded! Therefore, The Hazymazecave government called Yoshi's relative "Henry"
for the massacre of the scuttlebugs. Henry is a killer machine. Stomp out all 1.2 billion of the scuttlebugs!
However, under the gate there was a secret project in progress! A project to transform Mario into an ultimate weapon!”

Our very own SiFi

“As a black guy from Latin America/the Caribbean I always felt that the Donkey Kong characters represented good stand ins for that region in terms of the themes and motifs of the Donkey Kong Country games and how they have paralleled the history there (the Banana Wars, Imperialism, etc). Too bad they just had to be apes though. :/”
someonee on neogaf

“Dark Souls is basically a platformer like the Donkey Kong Country series[...]”
Watch Da Birdie

“Summary: my wife played Yoshis Island, looked up Yoshi porn, found a guy with a (fake?) tattoo of Yoshi surprised to find a vagina”
slowbeef

“For years I have been perfecting the Do the Mario dance. I have managed to perfect the movements of a schizophrenic drunkard and perfectly sync it with music, however I have yet to discover the secret of Lou Albano's teleportation technique, I shall never complete my art if I cannot adopt his abilities. Has all of my hard work just been for nothing?

Somebody save me from the dark labyrinth I have lost myself in. It's cold, Lou Albano's voice taunts me, his words "just like that" echo constantly, he knows I have not perfected his sacred dance, I am a failure in his eyes.

God has left me unfinished.”

Susana Almeida

Super Mario Run also includes a second female character, Toadette, whose job is to wave a flag before and after a race, like a character from “Grease.” [...] Super Mario Run relegates its female characters to positions of near helplessness. Peach and Toadette become playable only after you complete certain tasks, which makes the women in the game feel like prizes. (To be fair, the same is true of a few male characters.)”
Chris Sullentrop


“Being invested into Smash Bros. while also being primarily a Donkey Kong fan is emotionally draining, while it's not the same as rape, Sakurai has fucked us emotionally. So much so, we're bitter, sour children, hating what we feel is the cause of our harm... particularly his fetish for Fire Emblem. You lot give Sakurai and his evil ways more power. You let him rake you over the coals emotionally. I don't see you bashing the other series that we were represented better, at least not to the degree you do Fire Emblem. It's not even your own thoughts and experiences that cause you to loathe it - it's Sakurai's influence. ”
Kobble

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The Great Ape War

“>tfw no Kong Musou game
>you will never play as the Original Donkey Kong with DK Jr on his back going Lone Wolf and Cub on armies of Manky Kongs during the Great Ape War”

A 4Chan user on the GREAT APE WAR

(The following is a mirror of this Donkey Kong Wikia page, for the purpose of preserving it for future generations.)

(Also if you've somehow ended up on this humble userpage while googling the mysterious conflict know as the Great Ape War, be sure to check Mariowiki's definitive account of it!)

The Great Ape War is alluded to in many Donkey Kong games, but only few concrete facts are currently known.

Known Soldiers (Primate Alliance)

Funky Kong

Funky in DK 64 in his army attire
Funky Kong was known as the "Brown Baron" for being the greatest pilot in the war, though he lost his tail after General Klump shot him down during a dog fight. This is why many people believe Funky Kong is an ape, but he is actually half monkey, half ape due to recessive genes from Donkey Kong Jr., his father, and an unknown female monkey for a mother.


Commander Cranky Kong

Cranky Kong was the main Commander and Lead Organizer of the Ape Alliance. Though his loss against Stanley the Bugman shattered his hopes and dreams, The Great Ape War is likely what took the biggest toll on his health, giving him a hunchback and requiring a cane to walk. It is assumed that Cranky was still in top shape during the war, as he brought it to an end after defeating General Krusha in a final battle.

Known Soldiers (Kroc-army)

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General Klump

General Klump was the lead pilot of the Kroc-Army during the war. Klump is responsible for shooting down the Biplane Barrel , piloted by Funky, resulting in the loss of his tail.

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General Krusha

General Krusha was the most formidable soldier in the Kroc-army, which contrasted greatly with his low IQ. He would often be sent on reconnaissance missions to retrieve the Crystal Coconut from the Primate Alliance, failing every time. His climactic showdown against Cranky Kong ended the war.


Kremling Kommander K. Rool

In the days of The War, K. Rool was not the ruler of the Kremling Krew, though it is unknown who he succeeded afterwards. K. Rule is responsible for ordering both Klump and Krusha on various missions which always failed, save an air raid, which is when Klump shot down the Brown Baron.

Inner-Army Conflicts

Manky Kong Betrayal

When the future was looking bleak for the Primate Alliance, certain groups started questioning whether the war could truly be won. One specific group, the Manky Kongs, began to prioritize the survival of their kind alone, resulting in a rebellion against the Primate Alliance. The Alliance did not forgive them for this and the Manky race remained Kong Family Rejects throughout history.

It is unknown how Lanky Kong was accepted into the Kong Family later on.

Le mot de la fin

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sub pages

User:Glowsquid/Brain Palace