The 'Shroom:Issue 226/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! We successfully landed from our trip to space (not really, I established last time we weren't actually in space, learn the LORE Waluigi Time) and are on the ground in 2026! Coincidentally, if you stuck a 0 in the second digit of this issue, it would also be 2026. Neat.
We're pretty light on announcements this month, although we do have one guest section because I wrote a News Flush! Finally, I can move on... As for our regulars, Cooking Guide and Dry Dry Data both had to take the month off, but they'll be back soon. The rest of your favorites are here though, and if you happen to notice the order of sections is a little different, don't panic, I just decided to do some reorganizing for the new year.
Would you like to join the Fake News team? Head over to the sign up page to get started and send it to our new Statistics Manager who also happens to be our TV guide writer, MightyMario! Alternatively, if you want to do a quick one-off for something like News Flush, you can send that straight to me and skip dealing with applications. Hope to hear from you soon!
Section of the Month
Thank you for voting for the Shooting Star Summit Weather Forecast for Section of the Month! And would you believe it, we've ended up with a five-way tie for second place, that's nuts! Our silver medalists are a trip to Pristine Peaks in The Sunshine Travel Guide by TheBlueCatMenace, ClawgripFan9001's guest submission of Close Encounters of the Shroom Kind covering the life of Baron Brrr, Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui's (talk) final edition of Mushroom Tribune about a controversial change to Goldenrod City's Bug Catching Contest, coverage of the humble Bomp in DryBonesBandit's (talk) Dry Dry Data, and the latest holiday and space-themed programming brought to you by MightyMario (talk) in TV Tomorrow! Congratulations to all of them! Be sure to keep showing your support to our writers with your votes, and consider Poochy's Picks nominations also!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Weather Forecast | 6 | 14.29% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
| 2nd | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 4 | 9.52% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 2nd | Close Encounters of the Shroom Kind | 4 | 9.52% | ClawgripFan9001 |
| 2nd | Goldenrod Gazette | 4 | 9.52% | Shoey (talk) & Hooded Pitohui (talk) |
| 2nd | Dry Dry Data | 4 | 9.52% | DryBonesBandit (talk) |
| 2nd | TV Tomorrow | 4 | 9.52% | MightyMario (talk) |
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: Cosmic Cowboy, The_Donut1987, and Aomaf
Excuse me, Mr. Waluigi Time! My film crew and I would like to produce a documentary about you and your company! What should we focus on? And do you even wanna do it? -Jimmy McCameraman
Well, how can I say no to free publicity? Let's do it! A lot of documentaries turn out pretty boring, so we have to make sure that it's one of the not-boring ones so I can sell things- I mean, so people will enjoy watching it. One of the keys to a good documentary is showing interesting things that the audience isn't going to see in other documentaries! Fortunately, we make lots of interesting things and work in interesting places. Did you know that our company headquarters was voted Most Innovative Workplace in a private poll of our employees? I'll even show you guys the slide, and the secret slide! Not the secret secret slide though, we gotta keep some things under our hats, unfortunately.
You know what else we need? Funny skits to keep the entertainment value up! So maybe I can start writing some of those, I finally got new material. Oh, and some good employee interviews too, there's lots of interesting people around here - and that's not even considering the folks at the amusement park. But you know what would really make it pop? A brand new product line! You know, something really out there that we've never done before that'll really get buzz going if we show it off in the documentary. Tell you what, I'll arrange some things and call you in like 2-3 months when I'm ready.
Dear Waluigi Time,
I'm a Waddle Dee who got lost in a castle with fire and lava and I need help. Any tips on navigating through?
Sincerely,
Lost Waddle Dee
Apparently Waddle Dees are not immune to fire, which is unfortunate. With that in mind, tip number one is to not step into the fire, or the lava. It's not a hot tub! Don't try to drink it through a straw either. Just... don't interact with lava at all.
I can't help you much without a map or even knowing what castle you're in, but phones are smarter than me, that's why their first name is smart. See if any navigation apps you may have can help you get a better sense of your surroundings. If all else fails, sometimes you need to make your own exit. Personally, I'd like to use a sledgehammer! Where's the way out? Straight ahead, as long as you keep swinging. Sure, the owners of the castle might not like it very much, but hey, it's not your fault their castle is so confusing people get lost in it! Probably. Just be prepared to deal with a property damage suit in the near future.
Dear Waluigi Time,
I need help buying the best bowl for eating cereals.
-Mickey Mouse
Luckily, I'm an aficionado of sorts in this area, and I've narrowed it down to four key characteristics for a good bowl for general usage!
- Bowls without holes - Since a bowl is meant to hold food, it goes without saying that you don't want it to fall through. You might be able to get away with some holes depending on what you're going for - if you're fine with dry cereal you could probably get away with a strainer - but if you're buying something new, just avoid the hole thing entirely. (Ha, see what I did there?)
- Nicely shaped bowls - We don't need to be a fancypants here, okay? Uneven edges inviting spills or nooks and crannies that food can get wedged into are just a nuisance. A simple, clean design is your best bet.
- Bowls that are safe to eat out of - Well this should be obvious, you're swallowing the stuff that goes in there so you shouldn't be buying bowls made out of anything unsafe for contact with food (and they shouldn't be selling them!). That means no bowls made out of lead or anything.
- Not a bowling ball - Despite the name, bowling actually has nothing to do with bowls. Try not to mix these up.
Written by: MightyMario (talk)
Hello, and welcome to the WORLD OF (TV) TOMORROW! Or in layman's terms, it's 2026! I'm your host, MightyMario, and let's see what new and interesting TV shows or movies January has to offer!
Cable/Satellite
Special: The Legend of Kaptain Skurvy (narrated by King K. Rool)
Network: Mushroom Kingdom History Network @8:00 PM MKST
Genre: Documentary/Educational
Kaptain Skurvy and his pirate crew once terrorized the Kongo Bongo archipelago many years ago, placing themselves in notable infamy as they plundered and pillaged the islands in search for gold. Today, the crew is now retired and living in luxury on Sun Sun Island with all the riches they pilfered, where they have graciously allowed a documentary group to film interviews and get a new side to the stories and legends we all know about. Green Kroc shares a recipe for his coconut-banana smoothies, Kutlass reminiscences on the times he dueled other pirates, and Kaptain Skurvy himself gives us a tour of the crashed pirate ship they once piloted. King K. Rool narrates, offering commentary on the interviews and insults at both the pirates and the documentary crew's expense.
Show: Ace Investigates
Network: Mr. E Channel @10:00 PM MKST
Genre: Mystery/Comedy
Ace, the investigative reporter with a hunch for mysteries, finds himself embroiled in another hot case in tonight's episode! His latest assignment takes him to the jungle, where he inquires about Cranky Kong's past as a barrel-throwing, maiden whisking ape due to Pauline publishing a new tell-all book about the situation. Ace then finds himself dodging barrels and banana peels as he runs through the jungle, pursued by an angry Cranky Kong! Such excitement can only be found on Ace Investigates!
Streaming
Show: Mama Fireplant's House of Flames
Streaming on: Podoview
Genre: Reality/Dating/Game show
Mama Fireplant hosts the hottest dating show on TV! Lucky bachelors compete with lucky bachelorettes in fire-themed competitions, such as The Hotfoot Hot-step (walking over hot coals to prove your love), Flaming Hearts (shooting flaming arrows through heart-shaped rings), and the ever popular Lava Love-a (sailing through a lake of lava, thankfully in lava proof boats). Last week, Wendy O. Koopa made it through the Fire Flyers game with only her bow getting singed, and Rosalina came under fire (ha ha) for alleged cheating by floating over the lava. Whatever the outcome, the competition is heating up!
Event: 2026 Yoshi Mountain Race
Streaming on: Yoshi+
Genre: Sports/Live
The Yoshi Mountain Race returns for another year! Competitors mount their Yoshies in an attempt to win the gold medal and a chance to get into the Yoshi Mountain Race Championships! Yoshies get a burst of speed from berries like last time, but this year adds a new berry that allows Yoshi to go even faster! Last year, Mario took the gold but placed third in the championship, so this year he's trained in the local Cookie Mountain/Cheese Bridge area in order to prepare for the race. Yoshi could not be reached for an interview, however, but this race is promising to be even more intense!
Program of the Month
Show: Exploration Undefined
Network: Mushroom Kingdom History Network @7:00 PM MKST
Genre: History/Mystery
Kolorado explores a lot of ancient places and tries to figure out certain unsolved mysteries, and this month he's been trekking through Dry Dry Ruins in search of a lost civilization. He's teamed up with a plumber on a quest for the Star Spirits, Kolorado has taken an interest in his search, and who knows? Maybe that'll be the subject of the next adventure into the unexplored! Kolorado only wishes that he'd actually find something of note, rather than the tin cans and wrappers he usually finds…
That'll be all for TV Tomorrow, and I'll see you in February with more of what's on TV!
Star Ratings
Written by: BigBoom1946
Welcome back to Star Ratings everyone! Hope you all had a fantastic new year. Now, let's get on with the business. Today we'll be covering a rather lesser-known location, yet it is the site of one of history's most famous battles... Let's all give it up for Space Storm Galaxy!
History
This galaxy was the site of the famous final battle of the First Galaxy War. While Mario duelled with Bowser, the Mushroom Kingdom fleet fought the last members of Bowser's forces to buy time for Mario. The leader of the attack was Captain Toad on the MKSS Truffle, with his second in command Toadette. The battle culminated in the destruction of Bowser Jr.'s flagship, the KKSS Starod. The battlefield was later revisited during the Second Galaxy War as a base for the remaining members of the Topman tribe.
The Starod
The Starod was the crème de la crème of the Koopa Troop's navy, equipped with electro-fields and a powerful Launch Star Blaster, capable of hitting ships from distances of up to 100 parsecs, or 326 light years. Thankfully, the craft was destroyed before it could fire the weapon.
The Topper
The Topper was an experimental warship built with a black hole core that was deployed during the battle in a last-ditch attempt to defeat the Mushroom Kingdom's forces with the ship's weaponry, but it backfired when its core protection system malfunctioned, causing the black hole to tear out the ship's insides, leaving it an empty husk floating through the void of space.
The Bomber
The Bomber was a support vessel sent to fire bombs at enemy ships. Unfortunately, the ship's AI got confused on the meaning of enemies and started firing on the Koopa Troop, leading to the Bomber getting neutralised.
Conclusion
In summary, do not go here unless you want to get blown up. Hope you liked this, and goodbye!
Written by: Boo1268
A Spectral Questionnaire
Hello, readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. It's a new year everyone! Can you believe it's been 20 issues of the Spectral Lens already!? I can't! And with a new year comes a new slew of readers from all walks of life reading my section today! So, to properly introduce myself to those of you who are new and to celebrate my 20th issue of The Spectral Lens, I will be answering some of your most BURNING questions for ME, Boo1268 The Fancy Phantom! This will also be a tradition I will do for every 20 issues of The Spectral Lens. So with that out of the way, let us begin, shall we?
Our first question comes to us from my dear friend Clawgrip, who asks:
Dear Boo1268,
What person were ya in yer livin' days prior ta becomin' a Boo, an' what are yer 'appiest memories o' yer time on the mortal plane o' existence?
- ClawgripFan9001
Going straight to the point, my good man? I kid, I kid, I'm glad to answer this question!
In truth, I don't fully remember my days as a mortal, all I DO remember was that I was a very highly respected soldier who many aspired to be, some went on to say I was one of the best! As for my happiest memory, like I said before I can't fully recall the details of my past, but I believe my happiest one was when I first got something from my parents, but once again I can't recall what it was.
| Boo1268 The Fancy Phantom | |
|---|---|
|
That's me! While I am unaware of my past prior to my passing, who I am now is a fancy, wealthy, adventure seeking, tea enjoying, friendmaking ghost who loves to have a good time and a good chat. |
| Fun Fact!: I've been a ghost for 40+ years! And even then I still feel young! | |
For our next question, we have:
Dear Boo,
How did you die? Curious.
From, Redacted
The last thing I can recall is seeing lights flicker all around me when I died and a warm feeling surrounding my body.
Time for a duo of questions! For the first, we have:
Dear Boo,
Are you in good relations with King Boo?
From, Mighty
Alright I suppose, he's a fine ruler and I do support him, I've just grown tired of causing mischief and mayhem wherever I go, and I'm still a bit sour that he copied my whole style.
And second, we have:
Dear Boo,
Why do you wear a monocle and where did you get it?
From, Hint Toad
Firstly Mr. Hint Toad my good man (also I enjoy your comics greatly), I wear my monocle for several reasons. Firstly is that it looks fancy, and since I’m the FANCY Phantom I need to look fancy, correct? Second is that it actually helps me when I'm reading books, scrolls, etc. in my line of work. As for the second thing, I got it sometime ago from a peddler in Dry Dry Desert. It was in good condition so I decided to take it, clean it, and make it my own!
Our next question comes to us from my dear friend Sparks, who asks:
Dear Boo1268:
How do you entertain yourself each day? Do you have any favorite TV shows, movies, or video games to keep you occupied?
- Sparks
This is a VERY interesting question, well…when I'm not doing research or making sure the ghosts are behaving, I tend to read books for fun! And since TV Tomorrow has returned I've been able to find a slew of shows to watch while I sip some tea. If I’m playing games though, I enjoy playing on my Switch or SNES. As for movies, despite being a ghost I don't enjoy many horror movies, why watch the scares when you can BE the scares? But I always do Halloween movies or any comedy and superhero films. And finally for other activities, I enjoy a nice board game or two and playing catch with Atlas.
| Atlas | |
|---|---|
|
A very kind and sweet owl who lives in the Lich Yard with me and Specture. You might even consider him our pet! But in truth, he likes to be free range. He does roam around the mansion whenever he wishes though, so I'm unsure if he lives here or not. |
| Fun Fact!: Atlas, being kind as he is, helps me out with my studies late at night alongside Specture and helps keep the rats away, in spite of their eventual return. | |
Dear Boo1268.
What's your favorite moment in your career??
From, Hatsune Miku
Thank you for the question, Miss Miku! Hmmmm…now that IS a hard question, but I suppose my favorite moment in my career had to be when I went to the Luncheon Kingdom to not only try out their Stupendous Stew, but also to uncover the history of their cooking carnival. But besides that, getting to learn more about locations and share my knowledge with you all is very much my favorite part of my career, although I will admit I tend to be extravagant with my good deeds and passion to the public. However, I do intend to practice more humility in the future.
For our next question, we have:
Dear Boo1268,
What's your favorite place you've visited so far while doing research for your section? Is there anywhere you're especially interested in going that you haven't been able to yet?
-Travel Enthusiast
While I do enjoy the Luncheon Kingdom for its fine cuisine, Autumn Heights and Palette Prime for their culture and slew of amazing locations, and Plumpbelly village for its hospitality, I must say that ALL the locations that I've visited so far are my favorites! As for locations I would want to visit, I would like to explore Crocodile Isle or maybe even DK island! Both locations have a VERY rich history behind them that I would LOVE to explore, especially Crocodile Isle with its relation to the swashbuckling Kremling Kutthroats. Personally, I would take any chance to take a deep dive into that place.
Next we have a question from my dear friend Hooded Pitohui, who asks:
Dear Boo1268,
You are a rather cultured fellow, showing an appreciation ranging from history to the visual arts. Where did you develop your interest in these learned arts? Was it through a formal education at a particular institution, or was there perhaps a particular mentor who inspired you and handed down their knowledge?
--- H. P.
Now this IS a very fascinating question, I suppose my fascination for history came from a number of different things. Firstly, it was always a part of me to appreciate the more cultured things in life. As such, this seems to have been something I had even when I was alive and simply transferred over when I died. Next, since I have been around for such a long time, I've been able to learn and hear things that not many others would, especially since after I got tired of scaring people, I had a LOT of time to read up on things and learn new info. And finally, while I'm not entirely sure on where this last aspect originates, I do know that my fascination for history comes from a drive to tell others things they may or may not have known, since in our day and age knowledge is power.
| Strange Fossil | |
|---|---|
|
I found this strange fossil while I was excavating the bones of ancient dragons all the way back in issue 217. I'm still unsure as to what species this fossil belongs to, hopefully I'll figure it out someday. Maybe I could ask some of the other writers for help in solving this mystery? |
| Fun Fact!: My home is, well…home, to MANY different artifacts I find from my excavation days. While some would fetch a few coins if sold, others are just for novelty purposes as a keepsake of my many adventures. | |
Looks like we got room for just a FEW more, so let’s continue, shall we? Here's another from Hint Toad!:
Dear Boo,
I've had this burning question for awhile and I've never been able to get a solid answer so I thought, why not ask Boo1268, since you are a Boo. So here's my question: Why do all Boos look alike?
Sincerely, Hint Toad.
Well Hint Toad my good sir, to say that all Boos look the same would be to call all Toads the same, as in this is somewhat untrue. While the basic Boo does appear fairly often as how we are represented, we tend to have differing shades, colors, and discrepancies between us. Our appearance also is due to a number of factors, sometimes it's how a spirit had previously perished, other times it's due to a spirit's personality influencing their appearance to reflect the mortal who died, and other times it's simply due to how powerful a spirit is or their abilities. Similar to Toads, all Boos are unique, you just need to look closer to figure out how!
Dear Boo1268,
What is your favorite Mario and Non-Mario game? And is your general favorite game the Mario one or the Non-Mario one?
- Yoshi18
Well that's quite simple, my favorite Mario game is Super Mario Maker 2. As for non-Mario game, it's a tie between Treasure Tracker and Dark Moon.
Dear Boo,
Where did you get that top hat? I am quite a fan of all kinds of
fancyhats, so I'd love to know where it comes from.-Fizzle
Why surely, my good sir! Always happy to help a fellow fancy enthusiast. I got my hat a long time ago from Mr. Haddock's Top Hat Emporium, the best top quality top hat store around. Very popular among those of high social status and wealth, very high quality hats that are worth their high price.
Next is a question from my dear friend Cosmo! Who asks:
Dear Boo,
What are your three favourite animals or creatures? Pick carefully...
-Cosmo (the cat)
Well now this IS a tough one, but for animals I would have to go with birds, reptiles, and cats. BUT if we are talking about creatures, it's Piranha Plants, Draggadons, and most definitely Boos alongside ghosts of ANY shape or size.
To Boo, How did you first meet Specture?
Well now, that IS a very interesting story. You see, several years ago after purchasing the Lich Yard Mansion, I went to Killmore Hill to take a look at the state of the building and its surrounding area, only to find Specture there, who mistook me for an intruder and attacked me! After calming him down, I explained that I was the new owner of the property and the Lich Yard by proxy. He claimed that since I now owned the place, I was his “boss”. I declined the title and claimed that me and him could have a partnership, rather than an employmanship. As such, from that day forward we've been friends ever since.
| Specture Striker | |
|---|---|
|
Guardian of the Lich Yard, commander of the undead, and my best friend! His background is shrouded in mystery, but what is clear is his dedication to those he calls his friends and family, protecting them with a powerful blade known as the Spirit Striker (which he calls Lucille). In spite of his closed off nature I read him like a book, plus I'm thinking I'm starting to rub off on him. |
| Fun Fact!: He will deny it, but he's a hopeless romantic, always looking for the chance to spend time with a certain fun-loving ghost, but SHHHH, that's our little secret. | |
To Mr. Boo1268,
Despite his recent appearances, we don't know a lot about Specture, so can you tell us more about him?
From: Snake Block Enthusiast
To be truthful, I know a LOT about Specture as an individual, but not a whole lot in terms of his history. All he's ever told me about his background are a few minor details, like favorite teas, foods, colors, and things he's learned, likes or dislikes. But in terms of origins he's been very vague. Even back to when I first met him, all he told me was that he watched over the Lich Yard for several years, and his name after I beat him. However, to me one thing that's always been clear is his loneliness. As such, I will always be glad to be his friend in spite of his introverted mentality.
Well I suppose that's all the time we have for today. I do hope you all enjoyed this very special 20th issue, I had a lot of fun answering all your questions you had for me! It warms my spectral heart that you have all enjoyed my wondrous stories for so long. So remember dear readers, no matter what you make, no matter what you do, someone out there will ALWAYS love what you create. And so, with that, our story ends. I really hope you all enjoyed this edition of The Spectral Lens! It was a lot of fun to do and I hope you all enjoy it! If you have any suggestions for what I should look into for the next issue, make sure to check out my official forum page. I'm always willing to receive your suggestions, as much as I'm willing to receive your questions, so don't be afraid to give me suggestions. And with that I say: Merci, au revoir.
The Ghostly Dossier
Hello everyone! My name is Goldoo. And happy new year! I can’t wait to see what new ghost discoveries will be made this year (hopefully many), but with that out of the way… last month I talked about the Gold Boo, and I enjoyed my trip outside of Evershade! So today I am going to talk about the Podoboo! (aka Lava Bubble)
The Catch
Going in I knew I needed to have the Poltergust be lava proof, otherwise it’d be a big goopy mess of failure… so one building montage later I was ready to make my way to the Dark Lands!
Although the journey was quite perilous, when I made it to the Podoboos it was a lot more… relaxing compared to my previous ghost encounters. The Podoboos just leaped up and out of their hot magma lake up and down. And it was quite relaxing just watching them as I took notes.
Although I still reluctantly needed to catch one. And it was surprisingly easy all things considered!
The Analysis
Spectral Mass: 3W
Podoboos are cute little lava spirits entirely made of lava… although that’s what was once thought! It appears that Podoboos are actually spirits encased in lava as some sort of protection, as well as a means to travel through lava. Podoboos also seem to act similar to fish in a way, and they often travel in packs (or I guess… schools?) of at least two but sometimes more! When a Podoboo is sucked up, the lava and spirit separate, allowing for me to see what they actually look like. And it seems to be quite similar to the Elemental Ghosts of Evershade! Perhaps they both come from a common ancestor.
Podoboos are often seen jumping in and out of lava in place over and over again. This is because they are actually hunting for various small bugs that fly near their territory (as well as damaging any unwanted plumbers nearby), but they can also move beyond this pattern and are quite elegant in their movement throughout the magma! Podoboos also come in many variants depending on their environment too! Blue Podoboos live in the hotter blue lava of the Boiling Blue Bully Belt (weird alliteration but ok) and Poison Podoboos live in the poison lakes of the Jungle Kingdom!
The inner spirit remains mostly the same, only really changing by the core. This also means that a Podoboo with a poison core cannot manipulate lava or blue lava. But perhaps there could be some way for them to change them? But I’m running out of space here so I’ll save that for another day.
End
Well that concludes this month’s analysis! Although this one seemed to lean more towards non-ghosts, but oh well! Also, Goldy’s doing well in case you were wondering!
Investigative Research
Written by: Headrest and Inquis (talk)
Back again!
Headrest: Hello again readers! Welcome back to Investigative Research! I hope you enjoyed our thrilling adventure last month! That sure was a crazy journey, wasn't it?
Inquis: Uhh... ahem, Headrest...
Headrest: Shush, I'm doing the intro!
Inquis: No, uh y'see.. mumble mumble...
Headrest: WHAT?! YOU FORGOT TO PUBLISH OUR LAST INVESTIGATION?! INQUIS YOU HAD ONE JOB, HOW COULD YOU-
Inquis: Usually you handle the actual publishing side of things, don't blame me!
Headrest: groan I was wondering why things seemed so quiet this month... I should've known better than to task you with anything.
Inquis: So uhh... on with the investigation?
Headrest: Fine. Inquis, maybe you should explain what we're doing today.
Inquis: Huh?! Me?! Why?!
Headrest: Angry stare
Inquis: Okay, okay. Today we're gonna be talking about someone who needs no introduction: the big bad King of the Koopas himself, or more specifically we'll be looking at his army.
Headrest: You'd really call that horrible monster your "king"?
Inquis: Not really, I don't serve under him. It's just his title, y'know? Anyways, me and Headrest were thinking, whatever happened to some of the big bad’s soldiers? And we don’t just mean like generic Koopa #56672 (sorry Koopa #56672) but rather the generals, commanders, and corporals that we never hear from!
Headrest: What Inquis means is the notable soldiers in Bowser’s army that have gone off-the-radar…
Inquis: sigh Yeah… this is why you do the introductions. So, let’s investigate and find out what happened to all of these guys and where they are now.
The Forgotten Soldiers of Bowser’s Army
Inquis here, Headrest is still angry at me for screwing up last month, so I oughta take the lead to make up for it. I won’t lie to you readers, when we started this investigation I thought it was gonna be a piece of cake. I mean how hard can it be to just look some people up? …yeah, turns out that the people in charge of the Koopa Troop don’t want information regarding their armies publicly available (Headrest: Well gee, I wonder why!), so the hard way it is then. Instead of wasting time interviewing strangers like Headrest demands we do every investigation, I thought we could get straight to the point and start in one of their castles.
Me and Headrest approached the castle drawbridge, the area this castle was located in was desolate and surrounded by lakes of lava. Volcanoes made up the backdrop.
Headrest: Inquis… it’s too hot here, can we make this quick?
Inquis: You’ll get used to it.
Headrest: Huh? You’ve been here before?
Inquis: Oh, uh, no. But we’ve been to plenty of other warm places and we got used to the temperatures there fast. Like that desert.
Headrest: Oh I see.. well I hope you’re right! Heat from the lava hits waaay different to heat from the sun. Ooh, there’s the castle! Let’s go ask them to lower the drawbridge-
Inquis: NO!
Headrest: Wha-?
Inquis: Are you kidding? Have you heard the rumours about what these guys are capable of? They’d just toss us into the moat. We should sneak inside.
Headrest: If you say so… it’s not the first castle we’ve snuck into together anyways.
So yeah, me and the hat chose to break in as we usually do. It was either this or we have a lava bath and that would end our investigation real quick. We needed to find a way across the moat without crossing the drawbridge, nothing around to capture so that’s not helpful. I spotted an open window on one side of the castle, so I sent Headrest to float on over to see if she could find anything useful inside to help me get across. I was waiting here for what felt like forever… I wondered to myself, had she been caught? I’m sure she’s fine, that hat can take care of herself. My faith in her was well placed as not long after I had these thoughts she returned to me, with a rope! I had Headrest tie the rope to one side. The plan was to tie it to both sides then tightrope across with Headrest keeping hold of me to make sure I stay balanced (Headrest: Actually a smart plan, Inquis!), however the rope wasn’t long enough to make it across. Ugh. Now what? We both stood there in silence for a moment before Headrest suddenly spoke up.
Headrest: What if… I held the rope then you grab onto it and I carry you across?
Inquis: *visible panic* No way! Nooo way! Rope or no rope, you’ve tried carrying me across pits in the past and it didn’t work!
Headrest: Yes, but this time it’s different! If you’re suspended by the rope I can gain some extra height. I may just be able to get you to the other side before I collapse!
I guess this is the only way across. Now I’m not one to so recklessly throw my life into danger like this, I didn’t wanna wake up as a Dry Bones but I still owed Headrest for screwing up last month so I guess I’m doing this. Headrest positioned herself above me, holding the rope and waiting for me to grab on. I got this, nothing scares me. So I heroically grabbed onto the rope and Headrest began to move to the other side (Headrest: *snicker* By "heroically grab" he means he clinged to it like a baby). About halfway to the other side… oh no. I could feel my grip slipping, and not only that, but Headrest was falling faster than we thought too. I had to act now, so I began to force myself into a swing and like a hero in an adventure movie I leaped over to the other side, just barely making it. The rope fell into the lava, but I was okay (and so was Headrest).
Another Day, Another Castle
I took a moment to collect myself, that jump had me beat. Headrest was pretty tired too, I let her uh, rest on my head for a small moment (wow that was a cheesy thing for me to say). Once recovered, I hopped through the aforementioned open window and took a moment to observe my surroundings.
Headrest: Well we’re inside. Now what?
Inquis: I guess we should look for some kind of records storing room but this castle has guards patrolling everywhere, we’ll be spotted the second we leave this room. Speaking of, what even is this room?
Headrest: It’s some sort of storage room I think, that explains why I was able to find rope and also why nobody is in here. Hey, why don’t we lure a Koopatrol guard in here and then we can possess-
Inquis: Not. A. Chance. We are NOT doing this whole capturing thing today, you know how much I hate it. I have a better idea…
I began digging through the piles of stuff being kept in this room, eventually I found what I needed: an old unused Koopatrol armour set. A tiny bit tight, but otherwise fits. I passed the helmet to Headrest.
Inquis: Here.. do your weird possession thing with this helmet.
Headrest: Oooh I get it! We’re going undercover! You look good in that armour! Suits you!
Inquis: I uh… yeah let’s just go.
Now that we were fully disguised we were safe to roam the halls of the castle. We got some weird looks after leaving the storage room but whatever, our cover wasn’t blown. We started mindlessly walking from room to room, searching and not really finding what we needed. I suspected that we needed to go up a floor, so we did. We were stopped by guards a few times but I was able to charm our way through each of those interactions (Headrest: We’re lucky to be alive…). After some more seemingly mindless wandering we walked into a room which looked promising, inside was a bunch of bored looking Koopas and Goombas being instructed by some Magikoopas. They were organising a bookshelf.
Headrest: Is this a library?
Inquis: I guess so, I didn’t think there would be a library in here.
Headrest: I’ll bet 10 coins that they’re not keeping fiction here.
Inquis: I think you’re right, this place may just be exactly what we were looking for.
Magikoopa: You there! Who are you speaking to?
Inquis: Oh uh! Nobody, sir! Just waiting to be served!
Magikoopa: Waiting to-? This is a library, you don’t "get served"! And why are you even in here? Are you not on duty?
Inquis: I’m uh.. here on… orders from my boss?
Magikoopa: And who exactly would that be?
Inquis: Oh… you know.. that guy… Kah… Kamek!
Magikoopa: Kamek sent you? Yes, well I guess he would rather send one of his lackeys to do his dirty work for him. What do you need?
Inquis: We- I mean he’s looking for records involving any current or former soldiers in Bowser’s army.
Magikoopa: That’s quite the ask, don’t you know just how many people have served the king?
Inquis: You can uh… cut out all of the irrelevant ones I suppose.
Magikoopa: Very well…
And it really was that easy! The Magikoopa returned to us about 15 minutes later with a few large books supposedly containing exactly what we were looking for, perfect! Now to get out of here! Thankfully since we were still disguised it was pretty easy for me and Headrest to just waltz right out the front door, which was great because I didn’t have to put my life in imminent danger again. Once outside we were clear to head back to our base of operations (Headrest: Also known as "home!") for the next part of the investigation.
Reading Time!
The hat and I had a lot to go through so we had to split up the work. We were flicking through the books looking for any names of interest, there were a lot of options to choose from but eventually we settled on just a few… so without further ado here’s our findings!
The first individual we looked at was the Goomboss. Many many years ago, this moustachioed Goomba tried to put a stop to one of that famous plumber's rescue attempts before it had really even began. According to this book, he only became the Goomba King after he begged Bowser to use the Star Rod on him. I would’ve guessed that meant he lost his power after the King of the Koopas lost the Star Rod, but apparently not, as he would go on to capture the very same plumber that defeated him some years later, doesn’t look like it lasted very long though because it says here that he was defeated by a Yoshi. But enough with the history lessons, what happened to him? Well believe it or not, after his second defeat he retired from serving under Bowser and became a professional racer! Supposedly he could run so fast that even go-karts struggled to keep up with him (Headrest: Hmmm… he probably cheats too though!). I can safely say that’s not what I expected, I wonder what happened to his two uniquely coloured subjects… I don’t see them mentioned anywhere here. I guess that Magikoopa put them in the "irrelevant" pile.
The next soldier we investigated was the Army Hammer Bro! This mean, horned Hammer Bro was known to command all other Bros within the Koopa Troop. He wore imposing black armour instead of the standard green armour worn by other Hammer Brothers. Now, this general actually managed to achieve something incredibly impressive: he not only captured that famous plumber just like the Goomba King, but he also captured his brother too! So what went wrong in his career? Well the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom proved that she could be just as tough as her usual rescuers and beat down the Hammer Bro general before subsequently rescuing the two brothers. After his defeat, however, things did not turn out so well for him, he was completely stripped of his rank and demoted back to being a normal ol’ Hammer Bro. This didn’t sit right with the ex-general so he ran away, it says his current whereabouts are unknown but he was last sighted begging for a job on the streets of Mushroom City. Yikes, I guess not everybody can have a happy ending, huh?
We then decided to look at unique pair, both King and Queen Hisstocrat! These two were a pair of snakes that assisted Bowser during his attempted takeover of the Sprixie Kingdom. They each went up against the four heroes who saved the kingdom and were both defeated. Supposedly these guys would summon their own helpers in battle, not that it would do them any good. It seems like after their defeat the king decided to get into sports! …or he really hates sports, apparently this is a relatively recent thing for him so our information is limited. I can’t really tell if he’s trying to play tennis or destroy it.
The next-
Headrest: Uhm…. Inquis?
Inquis: Kinda in the middle of something here.
Headrest: Sorry but it’s just when I was flipping through that book before…
Inquis: What? What is it, Headrest?
Headrest: *shows Inquis a page which seems to portray himself*
Inquis: *grabs book* HEY! It’s nothing. Just a coincidence.
Headrest: Inquis… were you a part of Bowser’s army?
Inquis: …
Headrest: It says you’re a deserter…
Inquis: …it was a different time, Headrest. I regret ever serving under that fire-breathing tyrant.
Headrest: So that’s why you insisted that we sneak inside? Well it doesn’t matter to me! The past is in the past!
Inquis: Besides I don’t think the readers need to hear my life story, heh.
Headrest: Oh right! The readers! We should wrap this up.
A Slightly Awkward Conclusion
Okay so I admit, maybe you all got to find out a little more about my past than I appreciated just now, but this is a newspaper article, not a personal blog, so I’m not going to make a big deal out of it. I’ll admit that I wanted to cover more of the Koopa Troop today, but since things got shut down early, I guess we’ll have to do a part two one day. Regardless we hope you enjoyed today’s investigation, and hopefully we will see you next month!
Written by: Walter G. Timeson (talk)
Additional commentary: Hooded Pitohui and Reverse Input
Local Cereal Company Rebrands
In a surprising move, after nearly five years in business, Waluigi Time Cereal Inc. has announced that it is rebranding effective immediately, dropping its infamous focus from the company name and becoming simply Waluigi Time Incorporated. CEO Waluigi Time released the following statement about the change:
It all started not long ago when I was sitting in my office, thinking about the idea of getting into the novelty furniture business. That's when Shbeeg pointed out to me that this was yet another business venture that had nothing to do with cereal, pointing out that the company's name was Waluigi Time Cereal Incorporated. And I realized, he was completely right! So I solved the problem by getting rid of the cereal and just calling it Waluigi Time Inc. now. And really, it makes perfect sense! The cereal market, as much as I hate to admit it, isn't what it used to be - some would even call what we're doing part of a fad that's way past its time, but I don't know, we haven't gone bankrupt yet. But I digress, we've also been providing many other products and experiences that you can't and/or shouldn't put in your mouth, like the Waluigi Time Amusement Park, the Mob Block, the Vote P for
F7 F3 F2F3 campaign merch (which I still have in stock at an unbelievable 75% off by the way) and other fun stuff in the pipeline! But don't worry, this won't affect the product slate you've come to know and love.
Just ignore the tarp over where it used to say cereal on the logo on the company headquarters. I haven't had time to have someone take it off yet.
When asked for comment, company president Mr. Shbeeg replied with the following:
That wasn't what I meant at all.
Public reaction has been mixed, with some feeling that the change was long overdue and the continued focus on cereal was merely clinging to bygone successes, while others have said that the change marks the end of an era with the company. Some diehard fans have taken to purchasing as much of the current stock of Waluigi Time Inc. products as possible in response, asserting that products with the old Waluigi Time Cereal Inc. branding are now collector's items. As a result, stock prices for Waluigi Time Inc. are now on an upward trend for the first time in several months, showing some recovery from recent failed publicity stunts including trying to create artificial scarcity by having ghosts steal product from the warehouse and building the annual ill-fated Christmas Chicken. Mr. Morris, regional manager for the Joja Corporation, the primary carrier of Waluigi Time Inc. products in the New Wikisburg market, offered the following comments:
Well now, this is a premier showcase of the mutual interest of commercial enterprises and the general public, isn't it? Mr. Time's estimable branding acumen is paying dividends not only for his company, but for all members of our Joja family, who have been clearing our shelves of Waluigi Time Cereal Inc. branded products in record time. In putting all of our remaining stock up for sale, we think of ourselves as offering not only classic and beloved products which will not again be available in this form, but memories. These nostalgic offerings are ones which our family members will not only cherish for decades to come, but ones which they will have the opportunity to share with their children and grandchildren. Now that is an investment you can't put a price on, hm? That's why we are immeasurably proud to offer Waluigi Time Cereal Inc. breakfast bowls for only $19.99 a piece, Waluigi Time Cereal Toothpaste tubes at three for $7.75, and a complementary box of amiibo Cereal with every electronics purchase over $250, all while supplies last! Do hurry in. You wouldn't wish to let your grandchild's inheritance - of memories, of course - slip away, hm?
Cornelius C. Cornifer, member of the local health board and high-ranking Kellogg's executive, released an official statement reacting to the news:
Doo hoo hoo! Such disappointing news... yes, it saddens me greatly that the removal of "Cereal" from this company's name is not an act of apology, repentance and atonement for the various food-related crimes they have perpetuated over the years, but instead a bold declaration of their intent to move beyond the food industry to ruin everything else that the respectable citizens of our fair nation hold dear. As a member of the health board, I've always been a vocal critic of Waluigi Time for his blatant disregard of safety regulations, his terrible sense of taste, and for inventing the Reflectinator, among many other issues, so I will naturally be keeping a close eye on him, for the sake of all those who he wishes to exploit through his corrupt business practices. In the meantime, I hope that customers will vote with their wallets, purchasing their goods from honest, down-to-earth, family-owned businesses like the Kellogg's company, who sell a variety of cereals which are delicious, nutritious, and, mostly importantly, put their health, safety and happiness first. It's what the people deserve, after all.
Notorious conspiracy theorist Spooks Booley, who I had no interest in talking to but accidentally ran into on the sidewalk, came up with his own spin of events as usual:
Don't you get it, Timeson? It's not about the brand image! It was NEVER about the brand image! They just got busted, that's all! Why would a cereal company suddenly act like it's not a cereal company anymore overnight? 'Cause it was never legally cereal, it was probably some cheap substitute that's only like halfway to being cereal! I'm tellin' you, the Mushroom Kingdom Food Administration finally brought the hammer down and told 'em they can't say it's cereal anymore! Don't let them fool you!
When asked if he thought throwing baseless accusations towards Waluigi Time was a good idea, considering Booley also publishes freelance work in The 'Shroom, he simply disappeared mid-conversation. Irresponsible whelp.
The 'Shroom will continue to keep you informed on the situation as it develops, and I've also been asked by higher-ups who will not be named to include that for a limited time only, customers can get 10% off all orders on the Waluigi Time Inc. website by entering the coupon code NEWYEARNEWME at checkout. This has been Walter G. Timeson reporting, and I am now out of time.
Written by: Legend 8
"Yeah, this is gonna be so fun to read, haha!", I was giggling.
The Sorcery Show
Episode 26: Flashback
It is a freezing yet beautiful evening in the Mushroom Kingdom. At the small stone amphitheater on the outskirts of New Wikisburg, hidden behind the towers of a looming castle, a crowd has
"WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!?" , he was having cried, both his confusion and his headache exponentially growing.
Suddenly, reality returns to normal and Pyro lands in the middle of the no longer warped theater.
Kroop: Ouch... Finally... What kind of paradox caused you to end it this time?
I'm happy to inform you that we are fully booked out! How did you accomplish that, Pyro?
"Uh, me? What do you mean?", Pyro responds, twisting reality a little further.
"What?!", Kroop has responded incredulously.
Pyro: And the best part is, once you've got them reanimated, you just have to snap your fingers and they'll do anything you tell them to! Funny dance, go!
Well, you could let ME explain?
Pyro: What, me? I didn't do nothing, it was all Kroop's fault, I promise!!
Kroop: I guess. But Pyro's definitely planning something, and I'm worried. Apparently he needs a lot of people for it...
Pyro: Ah yes, there you go - a perfect example of what he usually does! And no, Explainer. I'm sorry, but the show must go on.
Kroop: You're not being honest with us, Pyro! No wonder we distrust you when you always-
Pyro: Hello everyone. I am Pyrokles the mighty Magikoopa, professional antilogician and Eighth Legend of Koopa Kingdom! This is Kroop, my assistant... and this is the Explainer, he's, uh... damn, how should I explain that?
Pyro: We should really get onstage now, the show's supposed to start.
Wha... umm... Pyro??
Pyro: Uh, yeah? Sorry, I wasn't really paying attention.
...I know. Let me explain. All our seats are taken, even though I can't think of a sane reason to come here. How come?
Pyro: And whoops, now it's gone again! As you can see, these powers can sometimes be nice and practical. But other times, they can be INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS, MWAHAHAHA!!! Now, how did I just do this? You might believe that this simply works because of magic or some other crap, but let me tell you something...
Kroop: What? You created a new GoombTube trend, "Surviving The Sorcery Show"? Is that what all the people are here for?
Pyro: Well, uh, I guess lots of people just like "magic"?
Kroop: Come on, Pyro, we know you hate using that term. I've never seen such an obvious lie before... Now, what did you do?
Pyro: But as far as I know, all of you are new to the Sorcery Show, right? Well, it's a shame you don't know about all of the epic adventures we've had - they're kind of important for truly understanding this show. And that's why I'm giving you all a little recap now.
"I don't think so either, Pyro!", the Explainer didn't not chime in angrily. "You're gonna lose all those new customers! Look, they're already half traumatised, they aren't even filming anymore!"
Pyro: Shhh! The best part's coming now!
Pyro sighs and conjures up some crude tech amalgam that looks like the fusion of a smartphone and a crystal ball. He taps on the weirdly shaped screen and then presents it to Kroop and the Explainer.
Pyro: Oh, just my own free will! I'm done, I got what I wanted.
That is pretty smart, actually! So many young people are going to want to try it now. We could make souvenir t-shirts with that slogan!
Pyro: I WELCOME YOU, MORTALS, TO THE SORCERY SHOW!!!
Kroop: And there he goes again. Sigh.
Pyro: So you're not angry at all?
gathered to watch today's great event: after many months full of distractions, the Sorcery SHOW returns.
Pyro: Yup!
Kroop: Pyro, what are you planning?
He materializes a Goomba from his hat and throws it into the audience.
Pyro: What? Me? Planning? Th-that's... I would never! What a ridiculous accusation! How dare you-
The audience, already filming, start to cheer loudly.
Oh, he's actually right. It's time to perform!
Pyro snaps his fingers and the zombified Mario bodies around him start doing a funny dance, much to the delight of the audience.
"But this time, there's a new gimmick where the entire section will be absolutely scrambled!", Pyro had answered.
"Who said I needed them?", you hadn't not replied.
Pyro: So, everyone. Today, you have already witnessed arcane powers beyond anything you've ever seen before, masterpieces of creation and destruction...
The three appear in the middle of the stage in a flash of spectral flames.
Pyro: Yep. But since there aren't any trees around to blow up in my usual example... Oh, wait! Poof, now there are!
Did you just SAY "sigh"? That's really awkward.
Pyro: ...you know, the Explainer and Kroop tried to steal the bodies from me so I wouldn't get to do this, but now I'm doing it anyways!
What was that for?
Kroop: What exactly are you doing??
"H-huh?? Pyro!! You did that, didn't you?", the Explainer cries as he starts glitching out.
Kroop: The last time you said that was when you were currently planning to turn our castle into a level full of death traps.
Damn. I thought you had finally developed some business sense.
Kroop: So was that what you tried to hide from us?
Pyro turns back towards the audience, making them all fall silent with a simple hex so that he can begin a dramatic speech.
"You know exactly what he meant! It's all scrambled up now!!", Kroop remarked furiously, as he floated through warped space.
Pyro hovers up into the air, and then - just like he did before, so many months ago - he begins twisting reality.
So you did all this just so you had an excuse to bend reality again and write a gimmicky unreadable section?
...why would we be angry?
"Not again!" , Kroop was groaning. "Once was more than enough, stop it!"
Fine. Go ahead then - I believe the first thing you planned was "introduction" , right?
Pyro: Trust me, this time it'll be even better!
What?! Where did you find those??
"Oh, that?" , Pyro answered gleefully. "Huh, I barely even noticed. Guess I'll have to bend it further!"
A tree sprouts directly next to Pyro - only to be incinerated by a fireball the next second.
"AAAAAARGHHHHH!!!!", Kroop hadn't not not been not screaming.
The show continues without any major incidents.
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
DK Island: Finally back, so kick back
Oof, that's a rough pun. Uh, I mean, welcome back to The Sunshine Travel Guide, where we only cover actual holiday destinations about a quarter of the time! Luckily, today is part of that quarter, as we explore the beach paradise created in the image of Donkey Kong. I'm not sure if I'm actually allowed to be here, so let's get moving before I get myself kicked out.
History
DK Island is really, really weird, historically speaking. You may think it's straightforward, island with monkey face gets attacked by various groups who are then beaten up by monkeys. And that's not too far off, honestly, EXCEPT FOR THE MONKEY FACE BIT! Yes, I know I sound insane, but let me explain.
So, across the many years, it seems that DK Island has completely changed many times. Size, inhabitants, and even whether there is a cliff with Donkey Kong's face on it depends completely on which time in history you are looking at! And every person I ask about it sees no issue! Every historian, scientist, and conspiracy theorist just looks at me like I'm crazy every time I bring it up! IT MUST BE SOMETHING THE GOVERNMENT WANTS TO COVER UP! OR ALIENS! OR VIDEO GAME DEVELOPERS! WAIT I JUST REALISED I'M NOT EVEN A REAL THING I'M JUST WORDS ON A SCREEN I'M JUST A CONCEPT ON AN ONLINE WEBSITE AAAA HELP ME HELP ME oh someone's at the door.
Sorry, I'm back. I just had to stop writing for a moment because some people in black suits and sunglasses visited. What was I writing about again? "I'm not even a real thing"? Pff, ridiculous. Anyway, I feel like I'm getting off topic here… So DK Island has been the grounds of many invasions and attacks by various malicious groups. The most well-known is the Kremling Krew, led by King K. Rool, who isn't a great speller, and overuses K quite a bit. He managed to steal DK's banana hoard, but then Donkey Kong brought in Diddy and they beat him up, reclaiming the bananas. K. Rool tried to get his revenge with the Blast-O-Matic, a machine that would blow up DK Island. Obviously this didn't work because I'm currently on DK Island.
There was also the Tiki Tak Tribe, who hypnotised animals into stealing the banana hoard. Geez, these guys love bananas…Finally there were the cool killers melting militia icy invaders frozen fighters snowmads, who froze DK Island on Donkey Kong's birthday. I have no clue why they did this, but it happened! So, DK Island is very popular to attack, for some reason, even though it's a small island located in the middle of nowhere. Okay, now let's move on before I go insane again.
Attractions
DK Island is full of interesting activities to partake in. There's Rambi Racing, Enguarde skiing, Winky jumping, and Expresso flying. These activities involve you riding various animal inhabitants of DK Island, often through dangerous terrain that will probably kill you. But it is fun! Of course, there's always regular old beach activities, like swimming, boating, sunbathing, hiking, normal stuff.
If you enjoy the thrill of nine-to-five working at minimum wage while on holiday, this is the place for you! Introducing, Emerald Rush! A mining expedition by Void Co., you will be given a quota of valuable emeralds to mine! After collecting enough of these gems to retire at four years old, you promptly give them all away to Void Kong, who in turn will give you a lackluster reward. Yes, that sounds fair. If you do really well, and get every reward he has, he'll try to kill you! Doesn't that sound grand?
Souvenirs
Squawks the Parrot offers a great variety of souvenirs for purchase, mainly for banandium chips. He also offers his services to help find things, but that's not a souvenir and therefore is utterly useless and pointless.
| Statue | ||
|---|---|---|
|
These statues are apparently found from the ocean by Squawks, which makes me wonder who made them all. They're not exactly a portable size, so bring a forklift if you want to take one home. | |
| PRICE: | 100 Banandium chips | |
| Gold | ||
|---|---|---|
|
Is this really a souvenir? It seems pretty valuable…Anyway, for the same price as a statue, you can get gold! Real gold. Like, actual gold. Man, I should've brought more Banandium chips. | |
| PRICE: | 100 Banandium chips | |
Conclusion
Well, that's that. All the information you'll ever need on DK Island! Anyway, I heard some people talking about another island not too far from here, that sounds pretty interesting to visit. What was its name…Ingot Isle? Anyhoo, if you have suggestions for The Sunshine Travel Guide, contact me on the forums, or use the thread. Okay, I think that's it! See ya next month!
Fungal Forager's Field Guide
Written by: Patisserie Shoey (talk) and W.P. Hoodington (talk)
The following modified transcript is provided to The 'Shroom by MKBC. In this month's episode, the Fungal Forager's Field Guide's crew straddle the line between this world and the dream world by taking a look at Trouter.
Species: Trouter
Documented Range: Subcon (Native); Mushroom Kingdom (Introduced)
Family: Consopiation-causing Cyprinidae
Naturalist's Note: For all their differences, both forms of the Trouter share their unmistakable bulging eyes.
Of course, one need not exercise as much caution around Trouters when one is in their native Subcon. Originating from the land of dreams, Trouters in Subcon take on a smaller, more docile form that is comparable in size to a common Cheep Cheep. These Trouters, unlike their Mushroom Kingdom counterparts, exclusively live in freshwater. Requiring high levels of dissolved oxygen, Trouters are common sights in rivers, with the healthiest and largest populations clustering near waterfalls. Similarly to Cheep Cheeps, Trouters often make large leaps which carry them high above the water. Leaping Trouter have been observed snagging Hoopsters from vines growing on cliffs and in rare cases have snatched Beezos right out of the air. Should any of you budding naturalists ever have the fortune of visiting Subcon, ensure you allow an hour or two in your itinerary for watching Trouters attempting to crest a waterfall!
The gulf in the size, temperament, habitat, and even (as Patisserie Shoey will doubtlessly explain) taste of the two Trouter varieties raises a question. How did a docile and common fish in Subcon undergo so dramatic a transformation upon escaping into the waking world? In the years immediately following Mario's quest in Subcon (after which Trouter first began to appear in the Mushroom Kingdom, suggesting a temporary weakening of what dream experts refer to as the Somnolent Barrier), the question vexed biologists. A lively debate ensued for over a decade, with a number of ichthyologists proposing to reclassify the Mushroom Kingdom Trouter as its own distinct species. Relief arrived only with advances in genetic sequencing and a breakthrough in an unrelated field. Genetic testing revealed the genome of Mushroom Kingdom Trouters and Subcon Trouters to be one in the same, with the differences between the varieties largely – but not wholly – accounted for by differing patterns of expression. The exact mechanism which altered the gene expression of Trouters as they entered the waking world remained unknown until Dr. Snoozemore and Eldream published their comprehensive report on the somnological properties of the Trouter.
Their work revealed for the first time that the Trouter is, in part, a subconscious manifestation of persistence and striving towards a great ambition. The small and weak Trouter, in attempting to clear waterfalls in a single bound, represents a desire to achieve a spectacular success by overcoming a significant obstacle. The somnological waves which suffuse Trouters and influence their development are – if you'll pardon my borrowing the words of Dr. Snoozemore – "resonant with depictions of Cheep Cheeps, depictions of powerful entities such as Draggadon and Hooktail, and symbols of fortune such as the Lucky Bell, suggesting that these familiar animals and expressions of influence and wealth are intermingled in the Trouter".
The breakthrough report provided additional direction for those working to unravel the mystery of the Trouter by highlighting a possible mechanism for the alteration of the Trouter's genetic expression. Somnology and oneirology are not my areas of expertise, so what follows may be a simplification, but as I understand it, all organisms suffused with somnological waves are susceptible to distortions in their form by exposure to a certain frequency of waves. In common parlance, waves of this frequency are known as "nightmare waves". Although, I am to understand that professionals avoid the term? Nevertheless, waves of this frequency are abundant in the waking world. Once again, I am not entirely familiar with the details, but I understand it has something to do with dream realms like Subcon being filled with unbounded possibility, while the waking world is more static and deterministic… Er, regardless, upon entering the waking world, Trouter are exposed to these waves, causing a shift in the methylation of their DNA which in turn leads to the production of signaling molecules which activate and de-activate a large number of genes.
Without delving into the endocrinological weeds, this event gives the Trouter of the Mushroom Kingdom their distinguishing characteristics. Fulfilling the desire for power, the changes to the Trouter's body include muscle hypertrophy and shift from domination by slow-twitch muscle fibers to fast-twitch muscle fibers. These changes grant the Trouter its incredible swim speed and bite force. Its increase in size, however, reduces the heights which the Trouter can reach with a leap. This, I am told, represents the frustration of ambition, a change in circumstance which prevents the dreamer from ever achieving their original goal. This frustration is reflected behaviorally by the aggressive disposition which Trouters acquire, and physiologically by the degradation of cellular cleaning pathways which remove waste products. The accumulation of these waste products gives the Trouter a powerful bitter flavor and shortens its lifespan. As a metaphor for dreams, displaced Trouter are rather sad, aren't they?
All the same, Trouters, in both of their forms, are marvelous organisms. Though displaying vastly different characteristics depending on where they are encountered, these two varieties of fish are still somehow one-in-the-same. It's almost as if they embody the magnificence of life's unity and diversity. Given their nature as organisms shaped by dreams, perhaps they do! To determine that will require the work of many yet to come, laboring across multiple fields. How exciting a prospect!
Delicacy Status: Dream-fed Fish
Weight: 1/4-1 pound (regular); 10-15 pounds (Mushroom Kingdom)
Flavor Profile: Cheep Cheep-esque (regular); Savory Bitterness (Mushroom Kingdom)
Chef's Tip: If you're having trouble with nightmares, overcooked Trouter is the perfect cure!
Because of that, sadly, all Trouter you can get will be frozen. For Trouter, you're mostly going to stick to the basics. Cut some fillets, bread 'em, pan fry in oil, and serve with tartar sauce. Like I said, they taste about the same as a Cheep Cheep, but since they're exotic you're sure to impress your friends and coworkers with them. If you want to get a little wilder with it, you can cook a Trouter whole. Don't worry about descaling it or deboning it. Simply clean all the sea water and sand off of it while still frozen. Let thaw/dry for five hours, then stuff it with your choice of fruits for a little sweetness. I prefer 2 chopped lemons and 3 whole red apples, personally. Then, for a little zest, chop up about 5 Horsetails (yes, those weird bushes seemingly in the background of life). Then cook in the oven at 475 °F for three hours. This will cause the bones and scales of the Trouter to become soft and almost jelly-like, allowing it to be eaten as soon as it's cooked. If you REALLY wanna turn things up, I recommend flash cooking it. For this, you're going to once again stuff your Trouter with your choice of ingredients. Then you're going to want to bread the entire Trouter in about two inches of breading. Next, take out a Fire Flower and shoot exactly three fireballs at it. By the time the fireballs go out, you'll be left with a perfectly charred Trouter that manages to have a satisfying crunch on the outside while the flesh itself melts in your mouth. It's what I call dinner and a show!
But what I find more interesting and to have more potential is the other version of Trouter, that terrifying shark-like monster that haunts our water ways. Be warned, this is going to be a lot more expensive and harder to find because the vast majority of fishing crews want nothing to do with this beast. Not only that, but Mushroom Kingdom Trouter is a very dangerous fish. You must - and I cannot stress this enough, must - cook the Trouter until its meat is between 175-180 °F. If you undercook it by even a single degree, you won't cook out the dream waves and eating it will cause horribly nightmarish nightmares. Meanwhile, if you overcook it, for some reason it causes eerily dreamless sleep. This all means that it's very important that you have a proper meat thermometer and not just some cheap, store-bought one. If you undercook this, you will regret it! This Trouter tastes very different from a regular Trouter, being a savory but very bitter fish. Some might consider it overly bitter, but to be honest, I find it to be a very complex taste; it's certainly one-of-a-kind. We're going to play to its strengths, and while you can do the standard fillets, what I like to do is use Trouter for a giant hot pot. Now, you're going to need a very large, almost industrial-sized pot to do this, and you're gonna wanna cook it over a fireplace, so get a ladder! First thing you're going to want to do is skin and debone the Trouter. Now, this is a very time-consuming process, but don't worry because it's worth it. Now, get rid of the bones, because unlike a regular Trouter's bones, these Trouters' bones are hard as a rock and don't break down. Instead, place the skin at the bottom of the pot. Then fill the pot about a third of the way with water and add about two cups of Blooper ink to keep with the bitter theme. Next, add five whole sticks of butter, three chopped large onions, five tablespoons of ginger, two cups of honey for a little balance to all the bitterness, a cup of red berries, and a chopped celery stalk. Then add four medium-sized deshelled Crabber claws to the pot and set it to boil. Once it all boils together and begins to bubble, then add your Trouter to the pot. Continuously stir until the broth is nearly overflowing as all the flavors boil together. Next, what I like to do is set the pot to a simmer and add just a teaspoon of Ruin Powder directly into the Trouter's mouth. This is optional because Ruin Powder is very expensive. Now, you might be asking "isn't Ruin Powder itself exceedingly bitter?". The answer is "yes", but for some reason there's a chemical component that causes all the other flavors to bind themselves to the Trouter flesh almost as if it's a magnet. Then put the pot back up to boil and stir until the Trouter itself is 175-180 °F degrees. You should know you've reached the right temperature not only because of your quality meat thermometer, but also because the Trouter itself should be coming apart. Once done, simply serve and you'll have an extremely hardy, addictingly bitter dish that's sure to give pleasant dreams to all who eat it!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 226 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • Directorial Address • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
