The 'Shroom:Issue 223/Critic Corner
Director's Notes
šš»š¦ Happy October and welcome to ooky spooky time!!!!!! šš»š¦ This month Critic Corner is packed as full as hopefully your trick-or-treat bags, with a bunch of our regular writers along with Camwoodstock (talk), Vivavivi004 (talk), Yoshi18 (talk), and Boo1268 (talk) piling on the sugar! While enjoying the cooler temperatures, comfier times, and sorting your candy, be sure to plop down with us and read some cool reviews! š«š¬š«š¬š«š¬š«š¬
Congratulations to Fun With Despair (talk) and his guest piece for Half-Baked Reviews as September's Critic Corner Section(s) of the Month!! Be sure to give your love to all of our sections here, and give a shout out to our writers whether in chat or in their forum threads dedicated to their sections. Be sure to vote vote vote!
And now for my regular announcements: We've decided to implement in Critic Corner something similar to News Flush over in Fake News, where no formal sign-up application process is required for one-time or limited sections. From now on if you just want to send in a single review for something you just read, watched played, tried, whatever, you just have to send me your review privately either to me directly in chat, or in a message to me on the forum at least one week before each 'Shroom is to be released! There's no commitment or obligation to provide a full monthly section (although you absolutely can shift it into one if you so choose), just send us your thoughts on a thing and we'll feature it here! If you have any questions or curiosities about this, please feel free to ask!
As always, if you would like to help Critic Corner, we always have openings for more writers! You are free to write for sections such as Character Review and Movie Review, or really anything you'd like to do! There's no pressure to have a huge section; they can be shorter and concise! The application process is very simple, starting with reading the Sign Up page, and sending your application to Meta Knight on the forum. Any idea you have is welcome, and if you have any questions or need help signing up, please feel free to reach out to myself or other 'Shroom peeps!
Section of the Month
| CRITIC CORNER SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Anton's Half-Baked Reviews | 13 | 68.42% | Fun With Despair (talk) |
| 2nd | Elemental Enemies | 4 | 21.05%% | Boo1268 (talk) |
| 3rd | Book Review | 2 | 10.53%% | FunkyK38 (talk) |
A Review Of SMLWiki.com
Written by: Cam / Tori / Cecil / Claire / Macy (talk)
Note: This is about a horror game, so if you play this for yourself, get ready for some visceral imagery and the occasional jumpscare. There isn't anything that would be straight up out-of-bounds for the coverage of this wiki (which is surprisingly a high bar, if you don't know), but those with a low scare tolerance or gag reflex probably shouldn't play this game. Nothing in this review should be objectionable, however!
One time, when she was coming home from school, our sister came up to us out of the blue and asked us if we had seen SMLWiki. We said, no, we, don't really care for Super Mario Logan, it's kind of just struck us as extremely hokey and not really all that funny. She almost immediately sent us a link and insisted. An hour later, we were both huddled by our computer, trying whatever Point & Click adventure game problem-solving kinds of whatever the hell came to our minds.
We're glad she insisted.
What is SMLWiki? Like, actually, what "genre" do you qualify it for? It's not really an ARG; sure, there is a lot of lateral thinking and using basically every tool your web browser has at its disposal, sifting through entirely different websites, but it's not really "Alternate Reality" anymore than any other work of fiction is; despite very much reaching outside of the usual confines a game like this would, it is still an insular experience with a very limited scope in what counts for it. Is it an adventure game? Well, sort of, they share a lot of the same design sensibilities, but a lot of the gameplay happens by way of gathering clues, rather than active puzzle solving; moments of actual kinetic puzzle solving are few and far between, however, the "gathering information and using it" is still a form of puzzle. Is it a "toy" of sorts, where you don't really play it to win, but to simply engage with it? Well, no, there is an actual end-goal you're working towards, and achievements... We're at a loss.
We'll just call it "cool as fuck."
Seriously, while we don't know what exactly SMLWiki is on some definitions-based level, we're utterly enthralled by it at basically every turn. This weird, dark comedy, creepypasta-esque sendup to fucking Super Mario Logan and the web zeitgeist surrounding it, which has some of the most clever design we've ever seen in a browser game before, downright stunning visuals and an ominous yet gorgeous soundtrack you can literally buy on CD (we have it digitally and yet are STILL tempted to get that), and some of the most clever puzzles we've seen in a game like this before. While certainly difficult, none of the puzzles outside of a very select few require you to use something like Inspect Element to progress, and it's pretty clearly telegraphed when it happens. Our adventure game-loving brain was grinning ear to ear with some of these puzzles, finding codes and clues, seeing what worked and what didn't, and the writing is as horrific as it is hilarious (as you'd presumably want, from a surrealist horror/comedy.) Quite literally our only complaint for the puzzle design, and really, game as a whole, is that you need to go to YouTube at a few points for 100% (though, we think there's currently only one point where you HAVE to do so for all the endings as of 3.0.0.1), when 99% of the game is otherwise insular to itself. That's it, and that is an EXTREME nitpick.
Though, frankly, trying to review this in terms of "gameplay" would imply that this is JUST a game, when this is pretty clearly meant to be something a bit more than that. And like, there is straight up nothing else like this we can think of to compare it to. The closest thing we can think of to compare it to is MAYBE the Spamton Sweepstakes, but that was a promotional event for another game, and at no point were you expected to do anything else other than navigate the pages as they made themselves apparent; no cracking out inspect element, no sifting through random key words you had to write down trying to find the one that will lead you to any sort of conclusion, no poring through videos and trying basically anything you can see, and seeing if it reacts to you. Also? Weird thing to say? The music is good as fuck. A lot of beautiful and unnerving ambiences and borderline-experimental tracks. We did in fact buy the albums on Bandcamp Friday. Both of them. And then bought some of the other albums the creator has on subsequent Bandcamp Fridays There is nothing else in this world like SMLWiki, for better or for worse.
We're so happy something like this can exist. Not just in general, though that is also true, but just, the fact this can exist as unfiltered vision of what it wanted to be in the first place is absolutely amazing. This horrifying, gut-busting, harrowing thing, that just kind of exists as its own inscrutable corner on the internet. We might not know the "why", both on a literal sense and on the meta sense. We've long since made our peace with the latter, and we could accept the former. And indeed, "Why not" feels like as good an answer as any.
In an extremely turbulent world of chaos and uncertainty, there are two things you can be certain will still exist; weird, avant-garde stuff that is as plainly laid bare as it is deliberately buried in obtuse abstractions... and, yes, absolute by-the-numbers, "objectively good" but samey, utterly disposable bilge like Super Mario Logan.
What do you put your attention on?
A Short and Sweet Review of Super Mario Galaxy 63!
Written by: Vivavivi004 (talk)
Recently, I played and finished the new(ish) Super Mario Galaxy 2 mod based off of the flash classic Super Mario 63, and... WOW! Despite it being a fan made mod, it feels almost official, while still having a flair that separates it from a Nintendo made product. The level design is incredibly good; it was decently challenging, and really tested my knowledge of how Mario handles in this game and the physics engine, yet at the same time it never gets overbearingly difficult. (I don't mind a good Kaizo hack once in a while though!!)
Here are some random things I really enjoyed about the game: First and foremost: The addition of multiple Comet Medals in each level. It adds an extra incentive to go back to levels I've gotten all the Shine Sprites on and explore a little more. The dialogue, while it can be a bit corny sometimes, I didn't really mind because it just felt like whoever was writing the dialogue was having a lot of fun with it. I didn't hate a single line I read and I actively liked going towards NPCs and talking to them. (Also, it made me realize how dry the NPC text is in base game Galaxy. Not that that's a problem though, just an observation.)
A highlight has to be the final level. Despite it being incredibly long, it never managed to feel like a slog. It was consistently engaging throughout the whole thing and never managed to replace the tension I usually feel on longer video game levels with frustration. (and also the keys saving after you game over is an absolute godsend which improves the pacing of the level tenfold)
This hack is a fantastic time and I cannot recommend it enough, especially if you've beaten the Galaxy games already.
Yoshi18 Reviews
Hi everyone! It has been a while! Welcome back to the birthday edition of Yoshi18 Reviews! This month we'll review one of Nintendo's greediest cash grabs: Super Mario Galaxy + Super Mario Galaxy 2.
Super Mario Galaxy + Super Mario Galaxy 2
Now, before I say anything, I want y'all to know this more of a rant rather than a review. Now let's rant review! Now, first of all, the PRICEā¦ā¬70 (I'm European so I'm not gonna talk in dollars). ā¬70 for a bundle of a 18-year old game and 15-year old game, respectively, which are both ā¬20-ā¬40 on the Wii and Wii U. This price cannot be justified, mainly considering the fact that Super Mario 3D All-Stars was ā¬60 and had 3 games (meaning that if the games were separate, they would cost ā¬20 each), while this game is ā¬70 and has only 2 games (meaning that if the games were separate, they would cost ā¬35 each. And then Nintendo still made the games separately cost ā¬5 more). The extra pages in the storybook and the (4K/1080p) graphic changes just aren't worth the price. I just feel like this cannot be argued. Now that's it for my rant it's not a review, it's a rant and I'm tired of pretending it's not. This review was short because yeah, it's just a rerelease. Though since I haven't reviewed the games in the bundle separately, I'll review Super Mario Galaxy 2 in this review as well! (now, before you ask, I won't review Super Mario Galaxy because I haven't played it. Yet.)
Super Mario Galaxy 2
My second favorite 3D Mario. Released in 2010. Ironically released a year before the release of my favorite 3D Mario: Super Mario 3D Land (2011)! I'm pretty biased to Galaxy 2. The game is pretty hard but also very fun. I remember getting stuck at levels like 5 years ago and then not playing the game for over 2-4 years until I was finally able to beat the levels old me sucked at. I liked Starship Mario. It felt like the game's fun home (hub-world). For the rest, this game plays similar to other Mario games. A story, levels, some new movesets, platforming, bosses, etc.
Outro
Well, that's it for this edition. I'm really hoping that I will be able to write a Yoshi18 Reviews section next month. Life is busier than I thought. Anyway, thanks for reading my birthday edition! Thank you all for reading! Stay safe, cya all in the next edition! And happy birthday to me!
ANOTHER Top 13 Spooky Halloween Songs
Written by: Napstablook (talk)
Oh...um... Hi everyone, it's me Napstablook. Boo1268 asked me to take over this section of The 'Shroom, but I'm not really feeling up to it right now, s-s-sorry... I-I-I don't mean to make you disappointed, so h-here's the section Boo1268 had planned before he got possessed, okay bye......
Hello dear readers of The 'Shroom! It's that time of year again, the time of scares, candy, costumes, decorations, scary movies, jack-o-lanterns, ghosts, ghouls, the living dead, and especially MUSIC! Spooky scary video game music, and what's more scary than a SEQUEL! So I'm BACK yet again to show you all my Top 13 Video Game Halloween/Spooky Songs, so with that out of the way, let us begin once again!
First up, same as last time we have our honorable mentions:
3D Land Ghost House theme (Shadows Dancing): This theme sounds like a traditional ghost house theme, but is lacking that enchanting presence; almost made it on the list. Also, I call it Shadows Dancing.
Library Piano: This haunting theme is used for the library piano in Luigi's Mansion 2: Dark Moon, a very popular and well known theme that hits the haunted grand piano theme, but other themes just manage to outperform it.
Lavender Town: This song has a constant spooky theme that fills you with a sense of bleakness and sadness. A great theme on its own, but is slightly lacking when compared to others on this list, thus unfortunately ending up as an honorable mention.
3D World Ghost House theme (Moonlit Masquerade): This theme sounds like an enhanced version of Shadows Dancing with more wonderful orchestral music that exemplifies the ghost house theme. I call it Moonlit Masquerade.
Manor Macabre: This theme is perfect background noise for a haunted mansion but the simple problem is the loop is too short; it starts out haunting then it switches to a more sinister theme, but eventually once it starts to find its footing it cuts back to the creepy manor feels, which isn't bad but could have used some more.
13. Old Clockworks: A truly haunting song that makes it feel like you're exploring a place lost to time, with the organ showing off the theme of ages long since past.
12. Little Crops Of Horror: It has a very haunting start that makes you feel like you're delving into something serious, but then immediately hits you with a bopping but spooky tune, which isn't a bad thing but it feels like it needs something more.
11. Twisted Mansion: A spooky track for a spooky course. The twisting theme of the song is representative of the course itself with its constant twists and turns and confusing geometry.
10. Pitch Black Horror: This spooky sci-fi themed song makes you feel like a character in a space horror film while also still being SUPER TENSE, with the first half of the song being a long build up that something terrible is coming with the beat drop being the feeling that you are in a chase scene and YOU NEED TO RUN! But after the beat drop, it goes back to what was before the super tense but still scary sci-fi music. Could have the main beat expanded upon some more, but oh well.
9. A Million Gruesome Ways To DIE: This is one of two songs on this list that have lyrics! "A Million Gruesome Ways To DIE" is a fun, boppy tune that makes you feel like partying with a bunch of spirits, which I can thoroughly enjoy, although since this song is used for a chase scene, I don't think anyone will be dying anytime soon.
8. La Danse Macabre: An epic theme that makes you feel like you're traversing a medieval graveyard with the spirits attacking you from every corner, so watch your back or else you might end up in the grave, so STEEL THY SHOVEL!
7. Rise of The Werepigs: A haunting tune with an epic guitar solo. That is the theme of the werepig in its entirety, and it truly makes you feel like this is playing in the full moon with werewolves on the prowl.
6. Boo Lake: The theme perfectly amplified the theme of the original track making it feel even more haunted, like the water holding the souls of the damned or that the lake is cursed in some way. For me, it's the perfect spot to go fishing!
5. Crow in the Shadows: Truly a ghostly chase theme in its entirety, the feeling of ghosts getting closer to you as you move along as the song indicates that you're just BARELY running from a ghostly threat, a truly spine-tingling theme.
4. Tombstone Arizona (Waste Yard): This song truly makes you feel like youāre going through a wild west graveyard with the souls of those long gone being embedded in the ground youāre traversing and that the spirits are warning you not to go further.
3. Koffin Keep: Do you like Mad Monster Mansion and all its spooky glory? Do you wish it was something more similar to Halloween Town from The Nightmare Before Christmas? WELL BOY HOWDY do I have the theme for YOU! This song perfectly encapsulates the feelings of both Mad Monster Mansion and Halloween Town all in a spooky package, with multiple variations depending on where you are. TS Underswap has lots of Halloween fun just for you, so if you feel like waiting for a new Halloween themed track from the Tobster is TAKING TOO LONG then I recommend this track.
2. Dark Zone: Now you may be wondering why I was TAKING TOO LONG to get to this song, and that's because somehow Toby Fox managed to make a KILLER Halloween song that perfectly exemplifies the theme of Halloween while also mixing in Ghost Fight! It first starts out sinister and spooky, as is the case with all things Halloween, but after that the music PULLS THE RUG out from under you, but not in a bad way. Now it's a fun, boppy, but still spooky swinging song that makes you wanna shake your spectral hips. Definitely a bop worthy of Halloween.
1. Shuffle And Spawn: My personal #1. This song to me is the ultimate celebration of Halloween, aside from "This is Halloween" from Nightmare Before Christmas. It starts with sorrow and terror as this unknown force arises, but then culminates in a triumphant theme of fighting back against all of the undead. If I ever want to get pumped for Halloween, this is the song I go to.
And that, my friends, was my Top 13 Video Game Halloween Songs! I do hope that this year some of these songs can be added to your Halloween playlist! But for now, Happy Halloween!
Oh, um, hi everyone, it's me Napstablook again. I'm very glad that Boo1268 mentioned me...Too bad I wasn't in the running for an honorable mention though, oh well, I expected that.... um, anyways, like Boo said, Happy Halloween I guess... Bye. (Here's a NEW playlist of all the songs here.)
'Shroom FM
Happy Halloween from the 'Shroom FM family. That's me!
Blawan - SickElixir
If you enjoy loud and bassy and mechanical house beats hurling themselves at you then you might enjoy SickElixir by Blawan because I certainly did. Very aggressive and jagged, with vocal samples distorted beyond recognition and plenty of other odd, abrasive noises, surreal but oddly catchy, hard to listen away from. As with everything else I've heard from Blawan, very cool stuff.
CMAT - Euro-Country
CMAT has had a pretty massive summer this year, with a lot of high-profile festival sets ā one of which I caught a bit of live. If Iām honest I wasnāt a big fan of her debut If My Wife New I'd Be Dead, not a bad album but definitely didnāt stand out in a pretty saturated indie-country-pop market, and Iād heard barely anything about her second. But the singles from this one got a fair bit of buzz and Iād enjoyed them a lot more than her others songs I'd heard, so I decided to check this out, and it turns out it is very good! Her personality comes across a lot stronger here, often funny and very charming - note the album cover, a wonderfully gaudy photo of CMAT emerging from a fountain in a shopping centre like that lady from that painting. Other than being a pun on her general sound, Euro-Country is clearly rooted in Irish culture and identity, particularly from the late 90s until now, addressing a fair bit of recent history and politics in the title track - though there's plenty of lyrics that will also resonate with anyone who's now in their 20s. The more serious moments on the album also land really well - "Take a Sexy Picture of Me" is an upbeat song with what you'd first hear to be an empowering message, but turns this on its head with its uncomfortable and depressing lyrics around women's beauty standards, while "Lord, Let That Tesla Crash" starts off a song about grief with a joke about her Dublin accent. All that said, the instrumentation is consistently good though there's not a huge amount of it that stands out, at least never more than the vocals and lyrics - and the second half does drag a bit compared to the first, though it does culminate in the fantastic "Running/Planning" - but nonetheless, this is a really strong album with a unique brand of country pop.
Jim Legxacy - black british music (2025)
black british music (2025) manages to pack 15 tracks into just 34 minutes, which is honestly less than I thought because there's so many different styles and ideas packed into this - UK hip hop, Afrobeats, pop, alt rock, almost into folk on "issues of trust", R&B... and it does so with such consistency, partly thanks to some recurring samples. It's a brilliant showcase for Legxacy's creativity and versatility, as both he and the album just ease into all of these changes seamlessly. Production is really sharp with a lot of cool instrumentals and samples - have to point out how well the vocal sample in "father" is used - and Legxacy's vocal performance and flow are also superb throughout. I don't think every track here lands perfectly but it's still a really bold and exciting mixtape.
Ninajirachi - I Love My Computer ā
An absolute blast from start to finish, every moment of this is just sublime. Consistently fun, bright and exciting dance music with a lot of nostalgia for late 00s and early 10s dance music and electropop, and a lot of elements from that which are used in very creative ways. Never loses its energy, arguably gets even better as it goes on, and there's a lot of little touches in the production which really elevate this. Honestly, it's just so good.
Wolf Alice - The Clearing
They have some great songs, but Iāve never clicked much with any of Wolf Aliceās albums Iāve heard ā and unfortunately The Clearing is my least favourite so far, by a fair distance. After a few listens, the lead single here "Bloom Baby Bloom" just does nothing for me; there's a lot of ideas running round this and it's effectively theatrical, but most of what it throws out falls flat for me. What's more jarring is that nothing that comes after it sounds like it belongs on the same album? "Just Two Girls", the next song, is a laid back Tennis-esque sophisti-pop tune; "Leaning Against the Wall" is just another pop song with country/folk elements; "Bread Butter Tea Sugar" has a clear 70s pop rock vibe... I don't think it's a bad thing at all for an album to explore a bunch of different styles, but by the halfway point it still seems to be trying to find a clear sound, and there just isn't one, nothing feels connected. It also definitely feels lacking in identity especially compared to their previous work, like "White Horses" which just sounds like a completely different band. It's not like I didn't enjoy any of it - "Just Two Girls" is very charming, and "Bread Butter Tea Sugar" is nice and vibrant; "The Sofa" gets a lot of attention but I've never found it very interesting, as far as the slower songs towards the end go, I like "Midnight Song" a lot more.
Further listening
Check out ā£ā”źŗįą¼½ą®ā¢Ģ)ą¾ā ą¼ąŗ¶ ą¼½ą§£ą§¢Ųą§¢ŲŲ źŗį's new single "ą½¬É·Ō¾ć źŗįą¼½ą¼¼ą®ā¢Ģ)ą¾ā ą¼ąŗ¶ įą¼½ą®ā¢Ģ)ą¾āā¼āāāāā¼ā āįØā·ā²āµā£ā” āĶ¢ oOoā²ą¼ąŗ¶ ą¼½ą§£ą§¢Ųą§¢ŲŲŲā½ā¾Ų§ā¦ā¾ā½ŲŪŲŲ”Ųą«£ąæĖā¼āāāāā¼ā āįØā·ā²āµā£ā” āĶ¢ oOoā²" if you get the chance. Sound of the summer.
Elemental Enemies
Written by: Boo1268
Hello there, readers of The Shroom. It is I, Boo1268 the Fancy Phantom, back here again with another edition of Elemental Enemies. This is the series where I look into the variety of big bads featured in Skylanders: Trap Team and see how these respective villains fit their types, and as the cursed winds of the damned sing through the air and the spirits loom and tear, The 'Shroom is now filled with fright the dead will rise tonight! As such, today for our Halloween special, we will be covering the Undead element, which thankfully won't be too long since this is one of the shorter ones on the list.
(If you want to get to the explanations then please skip ahead, but to those who are new, let me give some context):
In Skylanders: Trap Team, the main gimmick was that using a special crystal insert and the respective crystal element, you could capture some of the villains of the game and play as them for a short period of time, and in the game, certain villains could only be captured with a trap of their element. So, being inspired by Lockston & Gnogginās Pokemon Type Explained videos, I am here to answer the question of how some of the villains fit into their respective element.
Now how this works is that we will be looking into what makes each villain their respective type. Things such as design, abilities, villain quests, lore, personality, etc. Each villain wonāt go in any sort of order, but it tends to be that villains that most suit their type and have the most detailed explanation are at the top, and the villains that are the least connected, or more rather should NOT be connected (if specifically stated), go at the bottom. But now, with that out of the way, join me as I try my best to explain my reasonings.
Only three elements left to go, so let's get our feet in the grave with the undead element. For this group we have:
Wolfgang: He's a werewolf that plays hard rock, or rather "death" metal, and since werewolves are affiliated with spooky vibes and creatures such as the Universal monsters and werewolves kill people and cause death, and since the moon is commonly linked to ghosts and the supernatural, this connection makes sense. Plus he's emo, and emo and rock people stay up late and commonly look like they're "going to a funeral", plus there's emo nights.
Bone Chompy: He's the skeleton version of the Chompy, and just like how Piranha Plants have a dry variant, so can Chompies.
Masker Mind: He is a ghost, which just barely qualifies him for the element right there. But that's not all, he can also bring defeated/dead enemies back to life by mind controlling their bodies, and there's also the fact that he controls people's bodies and minds by possessing them. And one final fact, being mind controlled seems like your mind is being possessed to do that a person wants and being possessed by an alternate persona or identity.
Hoodsickle: He is essentially the Grim Rreaper since he can summon ghosts, teleport, and wields a scythe. Plus, his design does most of the talking about him, and finally, in his back story all the trap team villains fear him, and what do people most fear? Death the Grim Reaper, a.k.a. Hoodsickle.
Well that's another set done, surprisingly great connections here, and geez, what dark topics we talked about today huh? And speaking of dark, that's the next element we will be covering, but before that, thank you for all the support on the last issue. I'm really glad you enjoy this series, and if you have any opinions on these villains don't hesitate to talk about it on the official/original thread, so until then, see you next time portal masters, and as always: Merci, au revoir!
Written by: Hypnotoad (talk)
Main Art by: Woglril
Pumpkin Spice Returns
Well, I totally had other plans for Octoberās (and Novemberās (and Decemberās??)) reviews, but then I just casually went shopping a few times and was dazzled by just how much variety every storeās Fall displays had, how many brands, new limited items, types of food, flavors explored in ways that feel fresh; I just couldnāt NOT try these. While I have no evidence beyond anecdotes from myself and a few people Iāve talked to, it seems that 2025 has had a lot more product innovation and an incredible surge of new items being pushed from all directions, and Iām unsure what the cause or effect of this is but Iām going to make a sweeping assumption that itās an attempt to keep people shopping for groceries and the excitement up while prices skyrocket and scare people away; who knows how much something should cost when itās new and shiny!! Some actual effort went into product innovation and mix this year and it would be a shame for me to either miss out trying them or hold onto these for next year, so other plans are getting shoved aside so we can live out our autumn dreams!!!
Regardless of all of this innovation, classic and legacy pumpkin spice products have been front-and-center, arriving as early as mid-late August, and helping to power anticipation and excitement for Halloween arriving earlier and earlier with many new items attempting to squeeze themselves in as if theyāve always been there. I donāt know about you, but if we can have officially sanctioned āChristmas in Julyā events and sales, we can push spooky things into the retail landscape as soon as back-to-school sales get taken down. So, to start off the swing of big name holiday months what better way is there than good olā pumpkin spice?
Perfect Bar Pumpkin Pie
Perfect Bar is a line of refrigerated protein bars that ādonāt use chemical preservatives or overly processed ingredientsā requiring the refrigeration to āmaintain the optimal freshness, consistency, shape, and flavorā. A very straightforward and believable genesis, they seem to have perfected their Perfect Bar formula as thereās not much variation in the general makeup of the bars and just minor additions to create different flavors, and for a limited time one of those is Pumpkin Pie.
This is one of the more expensive bars, retailing at $3.49 at Sprouts and 2/$6 on sale, but I have seen their other flavors go for $3 BOGO at Publix a few times. It has 14g of protein, Non-GMO Project verified, USDA Organic, low glycemic, and with 20+ superfoods that include dried whole egg powder, rice protein, flax seed oil, sesame seed oil, olive oil, pumpkin seed oil, and a whole bunch of dried powders including kale, flax seed, rose hip, orange, lemon, papaya, tomato, apple, alfalfa, celery, kelp, dulse, carrot, and spinach. Itād be pretty alarming if all of these ingredients contributed to noticeable flavor, but luckily they donāt; instead their primary ingredients of peanut butter, honey, and dried pumpkin is all you can taste and even smell, which I need to emphasize as a very positive point that it smells really good and not off-putting at all like many other high protein foods. Thereās a lot of oils in here and Iām only bringing this up because itās become so politically en vogue to hallucinate that theyāre toxic and the root of all problems and imagined inflammation, but itās totally fine and not a problem at all and Iām not going to waste much more of this review space by getting into this when thereās better actual food science educators out there I can point you to. What actually is a concern here is that itās rather poor, relatively, as a protein source, when itās really more of a fat source. This bar specifically is 14g of protein (20% daily value) while also having 19g of total fat (24% daily value), which isnāt necessarily a problem but is something to be aware of depending on your specific health goals with increased protein intake as itās better for bulking and mass gain and probably not the best choice for lean diets.
Much tougher and more dense than I thought with using my incisors first, moving further bites more along my molars. I did have this immediately after pulling it out of the fridge, and Iām unsure if refrigeration is just meant for longer term storage and then intended on approaching room temperature as you have it in your bag for lunch later, but Iām fine with it being cold. It tastes pretty good, actually, a nice balance of sweet, savory, nutty, with a touch of earthy warmth. It never had any overt pumpkin or pumpkin spice flavors, rather a more realistic taste, like a peanut butter cookie that had some pumpkin puree mixed in, and this subtly was so unbelievably welcome and needed that it hit a level of surprise and satisfaction I didnāt expect to feel. I was able to finish this pretty quickly and easily without any involuntary retching or contorted scowls of disgust, which is an incredibly unique experience Iāve had with protein bars. Iām seeing other reviews from very different people remark primarily on how dry these are, and while I canāt say theyāre particularly moist and refreshing I definitely would not call them dry, and have had much worse. I felt no need to drink anything after, I didnāt feel dried out, no choking, no uncomfortable sensations, so I donāt know what this dude was going on about other than what I assume is his first time ever having protein bars or peanut butter powder. Lots of copycat recipes exist for this specific Perfect Bar flavor that seem to add chocolate chips and collagen and nowhere near the level of āsuperfoodsā, but it does pique my curiosity as a simple and variable dessert to make.
This was also one of the only things I got to fully taste and review before I had an emergency surgery that forced me onto a soft food diet for several weeks, which has made it so the remaining items Iām reviewing this month are liquid or soft (or non-alcoholic) enough! Luckily that really doesnāt change too much and gave me a good reason to cut some stuff, but regardless I felt I should point this out and maybe harvest some ethereal sympathy.
Laughing Cow Pumpkin Spice Spreadable Cheese Wedges
This was one of the things on ānew in 2025ā pumpkin spice fall food listicles I scrounged up to kinda see what was even out there, and it kinda struck me as something that definitely seemed a little absurd, but honestly not too far out there with a plausibility that didnāt leave it feeling purely like a cheap gimmick. I suppose if youāre imagining cheese in the limited context of Kraft American slices youād cringe and giggle a little bit, but these are just pre-portioned spreadable cheese bits which doesnāt even feel weird or new or even that bizarre. I think that people who are completely flabbergasted about this need to expand their understanding of what cheese is and can be and can taste like and just come over to my place and we can have a themed charcuterie spread. I really want to host a Halloween party at my place that teeters on the edge of Williams Sonoma Real Housewife and weird freak and Iām hoping this can perform well to help fulfill my wish next year. Their product locator was absolutely no help; Iām aware that Laughing Cow cheeses are available at all kinds of stores around meāPublix, Sprouts, Target, Walmart, Winn-Dixieābut this doesnāt show any locations for the Pumpkin Spice, but luckily enough one day a special shipper popped up at a local Publix that had exactly four total available, bogo with a $1 off coupon, giving me two of them for $3.19. As with the rest of their products this is shelf-stable due to being pasteurized, low moisture, and containing a few ingredients to help preserve it. A lot of cheese is actually shelf stable, including all kinds of gift boxes you can find as well as many parmesans and cheddars in general, I just found it important to state that Laughing Cow is one of these.
Much like the fancier Pumpkin Spice Beemster, this particular Laughing Cow cheese base is gouda, which I agree is probably the best type of cheese out of the pantheon to go with as gouda as it tends to have nutty, creamy, and caramel-like notes. Their website suggest to āspread it on toast, pair it with crisp apple slices, or just eat it straight up like the rebel you areā and also āspread it on graham crackers or vanilla wafers, pair it with crisp veggies, or top off a bowl of oatmeal for a cozy seasonal twist. Hosting a gathering? Try it on crostini with a drizzle of honey for a no-fuss appetizer that brings the autumn vibesā, and what Iām gathering is I currently canāt chew on any of these suggestions. Thankfully the cheese itself is soft enough for me to chew on, and the flavor is there but very subtle. I can taste a teeny tiny bit of cinnamon and a little bit of fruity nuttiness that I canāt tell is due to the dried pumpkin or the gouda base, a touch of tang, but otherwise an incredibly mild flavor. I appreciate that neither the cheese or pumpkin spice flavor overwhelm each other, instead blending together into something interesting, but not too interesting; the taste and creamy texture combined feel like itās just shelf-stable less sweet more salty/savory cream cheese so you can adorn a bagel while climbing a mountain or whatever. I really donāt get where anyone else is getting bursts of flavor or anything strong from this because this is maybe just two steps above giving nothing. With this being so soft and spreadable I chose to try this on graham crackers and vanilla wafers because those seem like something I can nibble on without exploding. Both of them tasted pretty good, with their own flavors minimizing the cheese flavor a bit more and allowing the pumpkin spice to come through just a little more.
Once Iām able to chew again Iāll need to try this on a warm bagel, and maybe stock up on some more to see what else I can do.
Malk Almond Organic Pumpkin Spice
Iāve reviewed Malk a few times before with pretty meh results, and while itās been a few years I have been trying a few new ones that have been popping up between now and then and just havenāt gotten around to doing a full-scale milk review again. Malk has expanded considerably in alternative milk displays, taking up a lot of space even if they just have single facings as thereās so many variations now. I havenāt exactly hated any of the Malk products Iāve tried, but I canāt say I was ever impressed or inspired to get any beyond my own review-compulsion that entices me constantly to get expensive things I know I wonāt finish, and so now here we are with their Pumpkin Spice.
Whereas most Malk products have a very simple list of ingredients, this one is much longer, including: filtered water, organic pumpkin puree, organic almonds, organic coconut sugar, pure organic vanilla extract made from vanilla beans, himalayan pink salt, organic cinnamon extract, organic nutmeg extract, organic ginger extract, and organic clove extract. Most of this is just the regular family of pumpkin spices or the proprietary base, but coconut sugar and vanilla extract definitely stick out to me as an attempt to render a collective nice flavor that extends beyond just being a milk alternative. A key detail here is how high up on the list pumpkin puree is, and for as much whining as I do about how I believe āpumpkin spiceā should also have pumpkin flavor included, with this Pumpkin Spice Malk it was the very obvious factor in how awful this was. āBADā was the first thing I could say after recovering from nearly choking from my first sip, and every subsequent sip did not relent; this did actually surprise me because while I didnāt outright enjoy the other Malks I tried I didnāt entirely hate them. Extremely gross level of unidentified sweetness that I could only blame on the pumpkin as it had the earthy sweetness pumpkin has but this was just completely disgusting as it wasnāt a prepared, like, pumpkin pie pumpkin flavor but rather when youāre carving a jack-o-lantern and have the intrusive thought of grabbing a fistful of pumpkin innards and chompinā on that. Iām not sure if this would be much different if it were any other kind of alt-milk they offer, like oat, pecan, coconut, soy, whatever else they have that could give a vastly different base flavor simply because the taste of the pumpkin puree in here is just so strong and so overwhelmingly odd when I canāt even think of anything else out there that emphasizes pumpkin puree in its pumpkin spice flavoring so much aside from actual pumpkin pie, and even with that I feel like it could sound like an underhanded compliment so I need to emphasize again how horrible this tasted. Itās honestly so jarring to me that every single review of this feels like straight-up lies, like this one that says this has more of the spice flavor than pumpkin, completely the opposite of the experience I had. The ones that go off-script the most just meekly say that the flavor is more pumpkiny but will still say it tastes good, they taste the spices, so either I got a bad batch or everyone on the planet except me is a liar. Luckily grocery stores and retailers still have their own review areas that arenāt subject to the vanity and algorithm-fueled fantasy crafting that Instagram and TikTok are so we get gems like āThis is literally one of the most disgusting things I've ever tasted. It tastes like sour throw up in your mouth. I wanted something less sweet/more natural and I'm literally flabbergasted that someone thought that manufacturing something this horrendous was a good idea. Literally tastes like spoiled sour milk and immediately curdled in the coffee. Such a BUST. I was so excited.ā which, like, yeah, yes.
A lot of personal reviews online Iāve seen for this seem to be mistaken that this is a creamer, which isnāt entirely misplaced as it can be used as one, but itās primarily a flavored milk alternative intended to be drunk on its own. I figured I should try it out in this capacity myself because 1) to be thorough, but 2) it was kinda expensive even on sale and I feel my bank account shedding a tear if I just dump it after the initial gag. Using a very simple premade Califia Farms Medium Roast coffee as what Iād consider a fair and neutral base I poured a little of the Pumpkin Spice Malk in to see almost no visible change, even after stirring, and barely any change in flavor. Only once my mug was about half-and-half did I taste the Malk at all, which was a muted but obvious pumpkin puree sweetness that hit the same notes as the coffee flavor in a way that I GUESS didnāt taste nearly as bad, but it just felt pretty useless and annoying that it took so much to do so little. It also looked incredibly ugly, which at least helped me understand why everyone is so obsessed with making it foamy. I honestly think this shouldāve been formulated more as a creamer, which they do offer in Vanilla Almond flavor, or even as a barista blend.
Some final thoughts and just rambling now for my own sake, but the package design changed between 2024 and 2025, going from a mostly-white container with a few light leaves and pumpkins adorning the name, to a very earthy orange thatās otherwise not any different. While I think the previous container is more fun and I enjoy the lean away from minimalism, it just wasnāt very visible or effectively advertised from a distance. Itās actually a little goofy because the item image on their website has a bit more flair with some leaf shapes and other nonsense that make it a little more fun than just orange nothing. Itās great to see that a company that started as a small farmersā market stand made it big, with genuinely incredible success that continues going up and up, but I just donāt get it. Tons of people like their stuff, including this same LYING review that praises Malkās Holiday Nog as being a beacon of trust in their āholidaynessā when a key point of my own review of it states āit absolutely does sacrifice the quality and taste as it absolutely does not offer anything nostalgic or āholiday beverageā.ā Fine, fine, itās ācleanā, itās āsustainableā, itās āpremiumā, but itās just not good, and is having something not taste good a sacrifice we need to make? Does it have to be this way? āWe have meticulously crafted a pumpkin spice SKU featuring the cleanest ingredients without compromising on delicious flavor.ā, sure, sure, cleanest ingredients youāll find, simplest list, nothing added, organic, non-gmo, but once againāand like every other Malk Iāve triedāfails to have the promised delicious flavor. Maybe itās time to stop giving them money.
Califia Farms Pumpkin Spice Oat Barista Blend
Something Iāve noticed over the last year or so as that Califia Farms tries its hardest to take over the entire dairy cooler, with dozens of plant-based products meant to achieve pretty much whatever you need dairy milk for. Iāve tried Califia Farms a few other times, with their Unsweetened Almondmilk and Holiday Nog, both of which I didnāt really like, but itās been like 5-6 years since then and I feel my tastes have developed quite a bit more to render another go, and with Califia Farms taking up so much space in every fall-themed display and endcap I feel like I have to.
The point of barista blends is so they can āfroth, foam, and steam perfectly for all your espresso creationsā, often due to rebalanced ingredients that include [https://www.milklabco.com/news/barista-milk-vs-normal-milk stabilizers and higher fat. Califia Farmsā stabilizer of choice is the popular dipotassium phosphate (DKP), common among nearly all creamers. DKP has a slightly bitter taste that can be noticeable in products not properly balanced for flavor, but in something like a coffee creamer the bitterness can be hidden well and excused as just an aspect of the coffee it was poured in, and then manually adjusted to preferred taste by individuals with as many spoonfuls of sugar as they please. For the purpose of this I just tried it with straight Folgers Classic Roast as thatās what my workās breakroom had available for me to dispense into a large cup to take home for free.
Thereās a lot of back and forth in comment sections about whether Califia Farms products froth and foam as needed, some saying itās great, some saying it doesnāt do anything, and I really donāt care because Iām not coffee-pilled enough to do more than just pour a bunch into my mug until it looks fine to me, and that amount is probably around 4-6oz of my roughly 16oz filled cup. What actually matters though is how thereās absolutely no pumpkin spice flavor added to the coffee at all, not even like a hint of cinnamon or nutmeg or warmth, earthiness, or even a change at all outside of extremely weak sweetness and what Iām sure some people out there would be convinced is creaminess. In an attempt to ascertain if flavor exists at all, I took a swig of this straight from the bottleāitās just barista blend, after allāand all it gave was the exact same thing I get from essentially every other oatmilk: watery nothing with a sickly tinge of oatmeal. Iād be better off adding the spices myself like how this TikTokker did with very frustrating levels of cognitive dissonance and never fussing with eagerly awaiting a limited seasonal blend, and probably just not going back to any oatmilk products as I keep saying I donāt like them again and again and again; itās not that I never learn, itās that I want to present to youāmy faithful reader(s)ānew and relevant things. You know what, sure, Iāll go out and try one of their non-oat pumpkin spice creamers because they just simply have so many of them.
Califia Farms Pumpkin Spice Organic Almond Creamer
New as of 2025, this Pumpkin Spice Organic Almond Creamer adds to Califiaās impressive amount of minor variations of pumpkin spice dairy alternatives. It was a little difficult finding this in such an obvious location because it sits in a powerful corner of seasonal dairy fractalization generating an ever-expanding vortex of swirling cinnamon and pumpkin that the shock of seeing a singular peppermint bottle in October was the only thing to pull me out of the hypnotic hold of spending $45 on creamers when I donāt even drink coffee regularly, frantically grabbing it and running away. They do also have a non-organic pumpkin spice almond creamer that has all of the stabilizers we know and love, but the Destini Product Locator map didnāt show as many locations or nearly as close to me and I quite frankly didnāt want to drive 30+ minutes to find this at a Winn-Dixie I canāt guarantee even takes care of their refrigeration properly, and honestly I wanted to see how this stood up against my horrid Malk experience.
In what was about 8 fl oz of Califia Farms Medium Roast coffee I pour a guesstimate of 4 fl oz of this Pumpkin Spice Organic Almond Creamer and immediately knew this would be a better experience based on the wisps of cinnamon in the smell and how beautifully it stirred itself into the coffee without separation or coagulation. Without needing to add any other sugar or cream this came out to be by far the best cup of coffee Iāve had at home, hitting exactly the level of sweetness and smoothness I like when brewing my own, which I need to admit is very sweet and very creamy. They did have, at least, this one at minimum 7 years ago with both almond milk and coconut cream, but the one this year is just almond and organic, and I just appreciate how simple this one tastes. The ingredients to this are rather simple: (all organic) almondmilk (water, almonds), cane sugar, pumpkin puree, cinnamon, baking soda, ginger, natural flavor, sea salt, and nutmeg. The most visible differences here against Malkās Almond Pumpkin Spice are Califiaās lack of coconut sugar, direct variety within their overt pumpkin spices, and most importantly the lower placement of pumpkin puree with it being below the almondmilk and sugar, further convincing me that this is exactly what went wrong with Malkās. Califia also includes baking soda, so if youāre a simple ingredient purist then sure Malk wins, but all the baking soda does is balance the acidity to enhance the flavor and is absolutely nowhere near any threshold where it can interfere with medications or sensitivities unless youāre chugging an incredible amount of this creamer directly, but by then I think youāve got some other problems. No oils, gums, soy, carrageenan, gluten, BPA, is certified organic, vegan, and non-GMO, I genuinely think this is as simple you can get while still having something that actually tastes good and do what you need it to, and if thatās not good enough for you then I think your energy is better spent finding something else to eat instead. The pumpkin flavor in Califiaās is noticeable but very well balanced, actually reminiscent of a pumpkin pie instead of pumpkin remains, with the total sum of pumpkin spices being individually present; yeah the cinnamon is stronger, but thereās enough nuance that some brightness from the ginger and the particular earthiness from the nutmeg can be felt.
If this is how the rest of Califia Farmsā organic creamers taste like, it may become my go-to very quickly.
Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino
Speaking of PSL, it actually wasnāt meant to last for more than a couple seasons to prevent it from stagnating, but social media was really rising at the same time and carried pumpkin spice along with it, with Starbucks managing to keep pumpkin spice fresh for over 20 years, surviving multiple cycles of saturated markets and hostile cultural responses. According to a link that no longer works on the Wikipedia page for āPSLā the Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino wasnāt introduced until 2017(?) despite the Frappuccino being introduced in 1995 and bottled versions being available shortly after in 1996. Iām seeing articles that say bottled Pumpkin Spice Fraps were a Costco exclusive in 2015 before becoming available everywhere in 2016 where they were already tired of pumpkin spice. Itās important to say that in-store Frappuccinos are blended beverages consisting of crushed ice, coffee, and (usually) cream and other flavors, while bottled Frappuccinos simply canāt be shelf-stable with crushed ice blended in given what we currently understand regarding thermodynamics, instead being a proprietary blend of coffee, milk, and pectin to help stabilize and keep smooth.
Ingredients for this include brewed Starbucks coffee, reduced fat milk, sugar, maltodextrin, natural flavors, and pectin. Standard mouthfeel that Frappuccinos tend to have, with incredible chuggable smoothness that is unrecognizable as coffee and more as a dairy dessert beverage that Iāve come to expect and choose it for. The pumpkin spice flavor actually feels a bit nuanced; not a high hurdle to jump as most pumpkin spice things are cinnamon cop-outs, but I can distinctly taste nutmeg and cloves balanced very well with each other. While definitely being very sweetā64% of daily recommended valueāI do think the amount of other flavors and spices in it cuts it down on how saccharine it was. I do tenuously need to say Iād appreciate more pumpkin spice flavor to this, but it was still there, still enjoyable, and I fear a monkeyās finger will curl if I say it wasnāt enough. I feel like this could be a lot better with whole milk rather than reduced fat, and I GUESSSS I understand why itās not used as they want to balance out the health profile and chemistry, but I would like it to feel more heavy, more full, maybe a bit thicker and more substantial of a drink than with how Fraps can be guzzled instantly. Solid show.
High Brew Coffee Nitro Pumpkin Spice Cold Brew
High Brew Coffee, a company founded by a former bottled tea company CEO who couldnāt stay retired for too long, prides itself on being a premium coffee thatās sustainably sourced and brewed slowly (cold brewed), providing a less acidic and bitter experience that doesnāt need as much sugar to not taste like trash. I canāt say that Iāve been convinced yet that cold brew grants a smoother and less bitter experience, at least not one I couldnāt just as easily attribute to the added milk, cream, and sugar, but I havenāt been fully put off from trying any of them yet.
Right away, very smooth, very creamy, and mild coffee flavor, exactly what they promised. Pumpkin spice is kinda there, but not so much, in a way I feel like it almost didnāt matter; subtle warm notes that implied cinnamon, but leaned more into gentle earthiness and nuttiness that can be found in types of coffee already. I was able to chug this in under a minute without feeling bad about it, likely due to how sweet and milky it was rather than being bold and bitter. The nitro thing was definitely different, I donāt remember any other nitro coffee Iāve had before having that kind of mechanism in it, though I admit itās been a few years, and from what Iām reading around online the āwidgetsā have existed for quite a while now throughout the greater brewing industry. It made a concerning hissing sound after activating and opening the can as per instruction. This āwidgetā can be found in many RTD canned nitro coffees, intending to simulate the texture and foaming from nitro taps and pours, but itās not necessarily required and can end up raising the final cost leading to a belated āoh, thatās whyā from me regarding the fact that this single 10oz can at Sprouts retails at $3.79 and on sale for $2.50; I just think some sort of punishment needs to be dealt for an Instagram caption shaming cafes for a $7 coffee when a 20 fl oz Starbucks PSL is $6.75 while the same amount of High Brew Pumpkin Spice Nitro would be $7.58. While High Brew doesnāt seem to have much information about this widget and the whole process on its website, its competitor Rise Brewing Co. sure does, going on to explain the whole point of nitrogen being in coffee is to create a smooth creamy taste without adding anything extra, providing a frothy head, contributing to a longer shelf life, and giving a cascading visual experience (?) similar to pouring from a tap. Despite the purpose of nitrogen gas to be simulating a creamy taste and feel High Brew still added sugar, milk, and cream (and pectin, natural flavors, and mono/dipotassium phosphate) to this leading to my conclusion that the nitro is here primarily for texture and experience. For how sweet and easy this was to drink I did not expect 200mg of caffeine, half of the maximum daily safe recommended amount. Honestly aside from the initial hiss, and the existence of a little foamy head that Iām not convinced actually did much of what was intended when I poured it (and 135mg more caffeine), Iām not getting an experience much different than what I had drinking the bottled Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino which also had similar-but-less ingredients; a bit less sweet, felt more like a coffee and less like a dessert, so it still fills a separate niche, but donāt fool yourself too much.
This gives me positive feelings about getting other High Brew coffees, maybe next time being able to swish it around my mouth some more to get more enjoyment of it without having to contend with multiple fresh bone grafts and stitches, maybe, hopefully!!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 223 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes ā¢ The 'Shroom Spotlight ā¢ Poochy's Picks ā¢ The 'Shroom Spooky Scavenger ā¢ Credits |
| Features | Fake News ā¢ Fun Stuff ā¢ Palette Swap ā¢ Pipe Plaza ā¢ Critic Corner ā¢ Strategy Wing |
