The 'Shroom:Issue 118/Fake News
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Hello, and welcome to the Fake News - or, going by the new president's standards, the......REAL NEWS. Check out that hot satire. Damn.
Only one announcement - Lord Bowser will now be alternating between Police Blotter and Monthly Inquisition bi-monthly.
So, 2016, the official Year of Death, is finally over. You made it through. Congratulations. You will now never die.
That will be all.
Section of the Month
Anywho, that's it for today's edition of Police Blotter. I must apologize for my lack of sections in the past two issues; many real-life issues left me with insufficient time to finish up all of my 'Shroom work, and PB unfortunately took the blow from it. I'll try to be more consistent from now on. This has been Lord Bowser, signing out!
First off, an apology: Last issue I claimed that we'd follow the White and Black Mages as they went through Mario Sports Mix's Basketball Mushroom Cup, but something happened to my Wii's memo—I, I mean, Square Enix didn't like me using their characters, so they told me to, well, not to use them. I said "Screw you," but they didn't like that very much, so we're moving on! That was a believable story, right? Instead, I'll be doing one match from each of the other sports, and first up is everyone's favorite gym class event: Dodgeball!
The combatants will be Wario, Donkey Kong, and Mario on the blue team versus Diddy Kong, Bowser Jr., and Yoshi on the red team. The Kong family has invited everyone to play a match on their turf, so this game will take place on DK Dock, meaning the players will have to be careful not to fall into the water! The match will be best two of three rounds and characters will not be able to be revived. Now then, let us begin!
The players line up and Lakitu lobs the ball. All players jump up hoping to catch the ball, but Wario emerges victorious. He immediately goes for a strike on Diddy, but he catches it and tosses the ball to his helping Red Yoshi on the sidelines. The Red Yoshi tries to score a hit on Donkey Kong, but he catches it and tosses it to Mario. DK manages to grab a Bob-omb power-up which Mario immediately fuses with the ball for his attack, scoring a hit on Diddy! DK recovers the ball and tosses it to his helping Blue Yoshi. He tries to toss it to Mario, but Diddy Kong intercepts it and passes it to the Red Yoshi. At the same time, Yoshi throws a Red Shell at Mario, knocking him down! Mario isn't able to get his bearings quick enough and takes a hit from the Red Yoshi. Red Yoshi grabs the ball and goes for an attack on Wario, but he manages to catch it, even though he was right in the Red Yoshi's face! Mario calls for a team combo and the blue team leaps into the air…only for Wario to get greedy with the ball and attempt to strike Diddy on his own! Diddy grabs the ball and strikes Donkey Kong as they are returning to their side of the court! Way to go, Wario. Diddy immediately goes to grab the ball and strikes Donkey Kong a second time! DK's barely hanging on now! Mario grabs the ball and takes aim. He fires at Bowser Jr. (who's just been sitting on the sidelines, apparently) and he immediately fires back at Mario, but Mario dodges in time! The Red Yoshi grabs the ball and hits Donkey Kong, but he was able to grab the ball before it landed! DK is still in! Mario calls for another combo attack. This time Wario cooperates, though the attack ultimately missed. Mario is dodging dodgeballs back and forth as he tries to make it back to his side of the court! Yoshi grabs the ball, fires at DK, who deflects it, Wario grabs the ball, fires at Yoshi, and Yoshi catches it. Yoshi and Mario has a couple back-and-forths until Mario takes a hit and the ball goes flying! Mario tries to catch it, but it's on the wrong side of the court! All the coins the red team has gathered dealt a fatal blow! Mario is out!
The players return to their—I knocked something over… Not important. The players return to their starting positions with Wario having the ball. Wario goes for a strike on Yoshi, but he catches the ball and manages to damage Wario as he's returning to his side of the court. Bowser Jr. grabs the ball and fuses it with a Red Shell, causing it to spiral around Wario due to how close they are, confusing Wario and landing a hit. Bowser Jr. recovers the ball and calls on his special move! Wario gets smart and stays on the opposing side to avoid damage, but DK's all on his own! Jr. covers his opponent's side in paint, causing DK to slip and take a fatal blow! Donkey Kong is out as well! All that's left is Wario, and he's not doing too good. One more hit would do him in! Wario starts with the ball and collects an item. It's… a Bob-omb! Wario fuses the ball with the bomb aaaand knocks out Yoshi with one hit! Bowser Jr. took some moderate damage as well, but Yoshi is out! Coins are powerful! This time Diddy starts with the ball, but Wario is laughing in the face of danger. "Bring it on!" he yells! Diddy throws the ball and Wario catches it. He fires back at Diddy, but he turns around quick enough to catch the ball. Diddy tosses it to the Red Yoshi, who fires a Green Shell-infused ball at point-blank range! Wario had no chance of escape, he's out! And that's the end of round one with the red team taking in the win!
The players take their positions for round two. Lakitu lobs up the ball, and once again, Wario takes it. He goes for a throw at Bowser Jr., but he catches it. He tosses it to Yoshi, who throws it at a back-turned Wario, dealing some minor damage. Wario's mind is obviously someplace else for this match. Mario takes the ball and calls for a combo move! As the others enter the other side, Mario throws it at Bowser Jr., making the ball fly into the air. It appears the combo was meant as a distraction, but Diddy Kong catches it, making Bowser Jr. recover the damage he has taken! Diddy fires at Wario, who takes the hit. He recovers the ball and attacks Wario again! Yoshi grabs the ball and fires at Wario, but he deflects it (with his butt, no less. Does that count?). Bowser Jr. grabs the ball, and the same thing occurs. Wario took some heavy damage, but now he's back to his side of the court. Yoshi grabs the rolling ball and calls for his special move! His opponents split up, making it difficult to for Yoshi to aim. Yoshi tosses the ball and misses his targets, though the Red Yoshi takes the rolling ball and passes it to Diddy. He tries to throw it back, but Donkey Kong intercepts it! Mario calls for a combo attack which leads to Diddy Kong taking some damage! Upon trying to return, Donkey Kong takes some damage as well! Yoshi grabs the ball and fires a spiraling Red Shell ball… which comes back and knocks him and Bowser Jr. over! Mario calls for a combo attack again and passes the ball to DK. He throws it at Bowser Jr. sending the ball upward aaand into the water! Bowser Jr. takes some damage and the players reset.
Lakitu lobs the ball and Yoshi gets a hold of it. Yoshi immediately fuses the ball with a Green Shell and aims for the nearby Wario, defeating him! Wario is out! DK starts the next bout with the ball and immediately goes in for an attack on Bowser Jr., who catches it and strikes at Donkey Kong, knocking him out of the game! Now all that's left is Mario! Mario starts with his special move, dealing major fire damage to Diddy Kong! Diddy then returns the favor with his own special move. Mario dodges the flying banana, but isn't able to dodge the ball! Mario sends out a Green Shell ball, but Yoshi and Bowser Jr. both dodge out of the way. Yoshi tosses the ball to the Red Yoshi who tries to attack Mario with a Bob-omb ball, but Mario dodges out of the way. Mario grabs the ball and fires a Green Shell ball at Yoshi, which is immediately caught by Bowser Jr., negating the damage. Bowser Jr. did several fake outs, then threw a Green Shell ball for his real attack, heavily damaging Mario! Mario manages to dodge the next couple of attacks and steals the ball from Diddy. Mario grabs a Green Shell and throws the fused ball. Again, Bowser Jr. is there with the save! Bowser Jr. throws a Bob-omb Ball, which Mario dodges and then Mario throws his own Bob-omb Ball, knocking Bowser Jr. out of the game! Justice! Mario just needs to knock out Yoshi and Diddy in order to pull this off! Diddy throws a Green Shell ball at Mario, which he dodges. Bowser Jr. catches it on the sidelines and throws the ball at point-blank range, knocking Mario out of the game! That's it! A crushing defeat for the blue team and a fantastic win for the red team! Good game, everyone!
2016 was an awful year for the stars, we lost so many greats. Sadly, it seems this extended to the actual stars themselves, as reports have come in on Polari's death.
The star was one of Rosalina's closest advisors, and one of the most trusted people in the Mushroom Kingdom, which isn't saying a lot considering that he isn't even actually part of their culture. However, many Toads and Goombas are planning on mourning the loss of the most well-known stars. Various stars living in the Comet Observatory were quick to offer their condolences. One said "Polari was a great guy, always shared his Star Bits, speaking of those do you have any? I really am hungry, and could do with some. Honestly, give me some, and I'll become a galaxy with loads of people who could die. I'll keep you in a job!"
The Comet Observatory has declared three months of mourning, and will power down for those three months. Rosalina, the leader of the Comet Observatory said, "In honour of our great friend, our observatory is shutting down. We won't be travelling anywhere, and people will not be allowed to sling themselves off to various galaxies. And no, for the last time I won't make any star puns!"
Polari was a star ahead of his time, supervising an entire observatory alongside a space goddess and various stars that didn't really know what they were doing must have been taxing. His death from natural causes was the last reward for his long-lived life. May he rest in peace.
With a new year, the TV schedules often change. It's no different in the Mushroom Kingdom, where several shows have been axed and a whole load of new ones are starting up. The old favourites are still around, but joined by some new faces. And so of course I'll be reporting on all of them. So, without much further ado, here are the top three shows that I recommend you watch!
So that's the new and the returning TV of 2017 (in the Mushroom Kingdom at least). There's some more incredible new dramas, sitcoms, competitions and documentaries to look out for, so remember to look out for them if you have some spare time. Otherwise, that's all from me, so Happy New Year and goodbye.
As you may know, I've gone on... tour for the foreseeable future, visiting different cultures to find out their ways of the chef. My first stop was a pretty country town named Decalburg, and I was surprised to find that they had no way of making food!
So I travelled across the area, looking for a kitchen. Any kitchen, really. Even just someone who could tell the difference between meat and fruit. Apparently there weren't any around.
I did find some interesting cultural traditions, though, but nothing to show apart from this pic.
And then I heard from a little birdie that across the ocean was an island home to a grill. Perfect! So after braving the two-dimensional waves I found myself here, in a lovely place with lovely people. There was this massive steak too, but that's a story for another time. But after showing the chefs in this place a recipe of my own, I was intrigued to find that they thought the stuff was inedible! Asking around, the general opinion was that I got all my ingredients mixed up, and soon after that I was given not food, but...
Paper. The people here are suckers for origami, and it seems to have taken over their minds so much that now it's the only thing their flat little bodies can handle! Luckily I have some instructions for a tomato printed out here, and after watching the head chef do it I think I'm ready to cook: Tangerino style.
Aight, so you fold it over, just like this...
Crease the flip side, do an axial crease along the cross-section, snip the branch vertex, and then...
...Crud. Guess origami's designed for people with fingers. Ah well, I think I can improvise with what paper I have left.
So, recipe #2. You get some yellowy red sheets of paper, and you stack 'em on top of each other.
Boom. Lasagna. Flawlessly executed, aesthetically pleasing; look, it's even steaming. Guess the paper Gods have deemed it life-like enough to work for the fellas in here. Time to serve this masterpiece, and maybe even get paid for my work.So, remember: if you ever find yourself in a place where the rules are reversed, cook some lasagna and you will soon find yourself showered in friendship and money. The money in here is just badly cut strips of green craft paper, so try to find a world where everything's made out of expensive jewellery. You'll benefit a lot more from that.