The 'Shroom:Issue 110/Fake News
Welcome back to the Fake News! I, as always, am MCD, and I don't have much time to say anything here, though luckily I don't really have anything to say, other than "Banjo's back from his hiatus!"
Banjo's back from his hiatus!
That'll be all. Bye.
Section of the Month
Want to visit Hotel Delfino? SpearGuy attempts to attract tourists.
Good evening or morning or afternoon, I guess it depends on when this gets published, my apologies, I've gone off on a tangent, allow me to start again. Good *insert time of day here* 'Shroom readers, as per usual I have news of a recent death within the Mushroom Kingdom: this time it is the giant crow, Wingo.
Now, cause of death wasn't too hard to figure out, as he lay disembowelled on my lawn. Presumably, one of the various neighbourhood cats did it, if you want my personal opinion, it's probably the Killer Kitty of the Caskervilles. Why you ask? Because one the name kind of gives it away, and two none of you have ever heard of it, so it's trying to worm its way into the spotlight in the best possible way. And also some orange fur was found around the body. Police are currently following all leads, but they probably won't yield any results seeing as cats generally have collars rather than leads.
In the interview I conducted with the aforementioned Killer Kitty, he refused to dignify any of my questions with any form of meaningful answer, instead resorting to scenting my shoes a lot and coughing up a couple of furballs. Personally, I believed this to be an outrage, but the police sadly didn't dignify my protests with any form of follow-up investigation into his behaviour. A behavioural psychologist said that his behaviour was typical of a normal cat; however, seeing as this was not the response I wanted he must be fibbing.
Anyway, I seem to have gone on another tangent, so instead I shall refer you to my interviews with some people or mushrooms who knew the victim. First up: Captain Toad "I am not at all sorry to see that that wretched bird was finally been done in. I hope I find whoever did this so I give them some sort of medal, maybe all of my treasure as a reward!" Toadette, his partner said "I'm not particularly sad to see Wingo dead after what he did to me and the Captain, but to go this violently is kind of a shame."
So yes, Wingo is dead. All of his riches have been plundered by Captain Toad, who told an extremely angry Wario "Finders keepers, losers weepers," which resulted in some tears from Wario. Anyway, there seems to be some creature sneaking into my office, no idea what it is, but it looks like some form of feline carrying a knife. Oh well, probably nothing, I'll see you soon.
Greetings, fellow truth-seekers and/or people who are here because they think I'm just making jokes and want a good laugh.
I am back for the second time with the REAL monthly news report! People appearently understand the significance of my message, because I have received quite a lot of "Warm Welcomes" into this Sub-Team. Thank you all! Back on topic though, frankly enough, there's not a lot to report about. Well, at least nothing that the public is allowed to see. Thus, I had to dig a little deeper to find a real scoop.
But first, the monthly statistics:
Alright, and now for an inconvenient truth that has been rumored for quite a while, actually, but which could only now finally be proven by our sophisticated team of reporters here at Fake News: The inhuman way in which mods ban users.
This is a world premiere, so, please don't hesistate take a look at our footage:
This is precisely what the authorities don't want you to see. Blasphemy! Heretics! It is finally time that somebody stood up and- Oh, I've just been told by the direction that I've run out of airtime. Well then, I hope that you're continuing to enjoy this section and that you will direct your web browser onto this page next month as well!
Man, I love this time of year. The sun is out, flowers are blooming... On days like this, kids like you... SHOULD BE BURNING IN HOTEL DELFINO. Because that's what we're going to be talking about today. Hotel Delfino, located in Sirena Beach. Now, I don't know what the manager of the hotel was thinking when he built the place, because it's freaking haunted. Then this Mario guy fixed it all. There were big goop mantas on the ground in Sirena Beach and that's creepy enough already. But then once Mario cleaned up that mess, the hotel just rose right up out of the ground! And if you're not already scared enough that you jumped out of your chair and ran away, you will be when we take a look inside.
So the hotel guy wanted this “Mario” character to fix the place because it was FILLED WITH GHOSTS. Yes, it was haunted. The manager was well aware that his hotel was haunted, but it was still open. A moment of silence for those who didn't get the word and checked into the hotel and were never seen again.
Well this is awkward
Oh look a butterfly
CRASH-BANG-SCREAM-EXPLOSION-BOOM-“JOHN CENA!” A wounded Spear Guy comes out of the wreckage. Well, that butterfly was more powerful than I ever would've thought. Now, on with the section. So, Mario had to do some Luigi's Mansion kind of stuff with his FLUDD to un-haunt the place. But it's still haunted, because he has a gate to the underworld upstairs. He needs to get that fixed.
The manager is probably completely aware about this. He needs to fix his hotel or tear it down. Plus, you can easily access the ventilation shaft by jumping on your bed, and then you can crawl into others' rooms. I'm sure he knows about this, too, and they really need to fix that so that they can prevent stalkers.
Now, here's my rating of this hotel. It rose out of the ground, has ghosts, and a freaking portal to the underworld. Plus, it has vents that allow you to invade others' privacy. So, I rate it 0/5 Shines.
The album is a collection of tribal jams from the local Shy Guy nations. Though no track titles are given, there is a clear distinction between the compositions. Of course, the whole suite is actually in the Shy Guy native tongue, so I had to hire a translator to understand the chanting. Yeah, that's where my first complaint comes in. The vocals are absolutely grating. Maybe I'm being culturally insensitive, but "vacuum cleaner concieves child with duck" is the closest I can come to explaining the horrible soundscape that Shy Guy chanting constructs. The lyrics really do hit home, though. When properly translated, the collection of horrible nasal mutterings reveal themselves to be pointed criticisms at the Peach regime's policies towards the native Shys of the Kingdom. The instrumentation leaves something to be desired. That thing left to be desired, is in fact, instrumentation. Save for the chanting, the only other aural engagement this album can give you is through the permeating background noise of howling desert winds. And also, what I can only gather through my C in Mushroom World biology, is Thwomp lovemaking in a distant cave.
Unfortunately, though this is a fascinating concept, it's so ridiculously obtuse that I am forced to award my first sub-par score as of my history with this fine presentation:
Hey everyone, and welcome to Cooking Guide, the show where I take you through the simple ways to make the meal of a lifetime! Today, we're cooking:
A Luxurious Dish!
To begin cooking, we first need to find our three main ingredients.
(me at the supermarket)
I'm begining to have doubts towards that steak there- the anti-aliasing on that thing must taste horrible.
Um... this. Next, we're going to break a series record and cook something for the first time. Get a frying pan onto a stove and burn some more mushroom milkshakes. Yes, these drinks have actual solid mushrooms inside them.
Normally, you'd need to turn the stove on, but personally, fire magic rocks.
Finally, tip the whole thing into a tray and bake in an oven for a year. When you take it out, you'll have the full set, ready to serve for one person. Trust me, it's delicious and proven to cure poison and improve physical well-being, but it may also literally weigh you down, forcing you to crawl everywhere. That's only one drawback to an otherwise splendid meal. Happy cooking!
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