The 'Shroom:Issue XLII/Fake News
Welcome to another Fake News!
If you want to write for us, please follow these instructions:
After you send me the message saying you want to write for the Fake News, I will send you the questions you need to answer. Please remember that the current open positions are Fake Music, Fake Police Blotter and Character Battle. After sending me your section, the other ’Shroom staff members and I will look at it, and we will make sure your section is good to go. After that, you’ll get a reminder each month telling you to send in your section.
Also, thanks to SMB for directing on short notice.
Come visit the Puzzle Plank Galaxy! We’ve got a lot of things to jump on with weird gravitation phenomena. There are also Wigglers that you can try to piss off. Funny how they can kill you even when they’re in a good mood. Best of all, we have a Luma! This isn’t any ordinary Luma. It promotes obesity, suicide, and eating metal! Seriously, how the hell is anyone supposed to digest a coin? I mean, consuming Star Bits is ridiculous enough, but this is simply outlandish. Come see our suicidal, binging, metal‐eating freak today!
BPK, we bid you a fond farewell!
The Mushroom Kingdom is not always the
Welcome, dear readers, to this month’s review of a random Nintendo game in the making. As you probably know, this year’s E3 left a huge impact on Nintendo fans worldwide. That makes this month’s review even more astonishing, as I will review the beta version of Mario Sports Mix. Hooray!
I was officially invited by Nintendo to beta‐test their product and also was promised an interview with one of the higher‐ups of the company. That was very generous. While I was there I heard some rumors about employees accidentally switching the “People to invite for great beta‐test” list with the “People to kick out of the building on sight” list, but you know how those rumors are.
So, after an official introduction and some more blathering we were finally allowed to play the game.
The first thing I saw in the game was the title screen, as it is common with video games. But no matter what I did, no matter which buttons I pressed, I couldn’t make it go away. Finally, a Nintendo employee stopped and told me what I was doing wrong. I had to hold down the 1 button, draw a circle counter‐clockwise with the Wiimote, press up, down, and up on the directional pad, let go of the 1 button and wait three seconds, and then press the 2 Button three times. That made the title screen go away and threw me into the main menu.
The main menu came with a simplistic white background and two options only: “Character Selection”, and “Back to the Title Screen”. I ended up selecting the latter per accident, since it was selected by default. Of course the combination to get past the title screen changed, so it took me two hours to finally get to the character selection screen. There I got to choose between the seven playable characters: Mario, Dr. Mario, Baby Mario, Daisy, Waluigi, Foreman Spike, and Geno. I heard rumors that Umaro from Final Fantasy 6 was unlockable, but this was denied by the creators. I picked Dr. Mario for simplicity’s sake.
After that I got to see some actual gameplay. There are no further choices to make, the game just starts. The only game mode is a one vs. one match. The player characters are positioned on the right and left edge of the screen and can be moved vertically by tilting the Wiimote. By doing that, the players can bounce a tiny ball around. The objective of the game is to get the ball to the border of the screen behind the opposing player. I could have sworn I’d already seen that principle somewhere, but I just couldn’t remember where at that point. Anyway, after one player scored enough points, they win, and the game goes back to the title screen! Gaah!! Enough!!
After I was done playing the game and switched it off (by punching through the screen), I was led into a separate room where I interviewed some guy who was present during the whole event.
Edofenrir: So yeah, hi.
Nintendo Employee: Greetings, Mr. Egofennec. I heard you wanted to interview me for the Fire Flower newspaper of that MarshmallowWiki place.
Edofenrir: Uhm… I guess…
Nintendo Employee: Well then, ask your questions.
Edofenrir: So, uhm… after playing your game for so long I can’t help but notice that it is somewhat… let's call it “curious”.
Nintendo Employee: *grins eerily*
Edofenrir: Let me begin with the title screen of the game. It is totally unintuitive and silly! Why is it so hard to even start the game??
Nintendo Employee: That’s because we paid attention to the fans’ criticism this time.
Edofenrir: …Please elaborate.
Nintendo Employee: People always complain that our games are becoming easier with every installment. They wish for more difficulty, like we did back then with Super Mario Bros. 2, you know, that SNES game where you could transform into a weasel and fly. As a reply to these complains, we tried to make the title screen as challenging as possible.
Edofenrir: I see, that makes sense… in some twisted way…
Nintendo Employee: Ah, the heart of our game. I hand‐picked all the subjects myself.
Edofenrir: Yes, and that’s where the problem begins. I mean, it’s nice to see some obscure characters like Geno or Foreman Spike, but why are there three Mario clones?
Nintendo Employee: Oh, those are not clones, mister. They are highly different! Dr. Mario has a doctor’s light for example, and you cannot play as Baby Mario after 8 pm.
Nintendo Employee: Oh, but you have to admit, a balanced game is pretty boring.
Nintendo Employee: That is due to an error in our calculations. We accidentally blew out our entire budget to make the trailers look fancy and interesting. That’s why we ended up with only 500 dollars left. We invested some of the money into something else and continued to make the game with only two dollars. But I swear, with these two dollars we created a two dollar masterpiece!
Edofenrir: So, you spent two dollars producing something that will probably sell for 50 dollars in the stores…
Nintendo Employee: I know, isn’t that great?
Edofenrir: No, it’s not! It’s horrible! The whole game is horrible! You cut out all the good stuff and replaced it with nonsense! And on top of that, you made the whole game a clone of Pong!! That sucks!! It’s an abomination, and I’m gonna tell everyone just that!!
Nintendo Employee: *draws a gun* Can’t let you do that, Mr. Dragon.
Nintendo Employee: This 498 dollar gun was the best investment I ever made. Now go and write your summary! I’ll be watching you.
To sum everything up: This game is great. Yep, just that. Greatness in its greatest form. I can’t exactly say why it is great, but it is. You should go and buy this game as soon as it gets released so Nintendo won’t shoot me— uh, I mean, will get rewarded for this great game! Great! So, in the end, I can close this section, and say: Hey Everybody, Let’s Play this Masterpiece Endlessly. Good day, and see you next month… maybe.
Hello…welcome…to…Cooking Guide. Baby Mario Bloops…here to…inform…that…budget…dropped…badly…from last…month…so…have to…use less…words…this episode…
No…guests…I make…Chocolate Cake. Let’s begin…
Wow, I actually have a lot of limited and a itty bit amount of wiseful words to use sparingly for the rest of the show. Then again, I did just use a lot of words just in these last couple sentences. Who knows, maybe I have unlimited no—
*walks onto stage and hears applause*
Thank you! Thank you my kind and wonderful monkeys!
For being such good monkeys, I am offering a special deal on bananas. Yup that’s right! You unintelligible apes will go bananas for such deals.
First, we have this plain ol’ banana. It may look like a regular old banana, but it has such a refined taste, you’ll be heading to your local produce centers to buy bunches of these.
Next, we have these um…colored bananas that are
And then we have this…Wait, what, a Luxury Banana? Today definitely is my lucky day!
*eats the banana and throws the peel on the floor*
BURP! Ah, that was delicious. Too bad you insolent monkeys cannot have such a refined banana. Now you will all dance before me!
I guess this ends my speech for today. Hope I don’t have to repeat anything to you bumbling simians.
*walks off the stage, but slips on the banana peel and falls to his doom*
(Note: If you do not get the jokes, leave a message on my talk or a PM on the forums and I’ll gladly explain it to you).
Hello all my wise and trustworthy readers. Welcome to the character interview with I,
Baby Mario Bloops: Bandit, I see that you are all hyped up. What are you running for?
Bandit: Must…steal…money! (Attacks the crowd)
Baby Mario Bloops: Backup! I need three tranquilizers stat!
Security Guards: Aim and…Fire!
Bandit: OUCH!…Sleepy now…moving normal…boring.
Baby Mario Bloops: Well, now that I have your sane attention, shall we begin?
Bandit: What is there to talk about? I “find” many items, and they usually have my name written on them, after I write it.
Baby Mario Bloops: So you’re saying you steal it?
Bandit: No…I just happen to find money that fell into someone’s unguarded pocket. But stealing…no.
Baby Mario Bloops: What’s the difference!? That is still stealing!…Whatever, moving on. Are you related to the Shy Guy family?
Bandit: Don’t categorize me there…I’m no fat hideous monster that talks as if they were retarded. Stupid little a*******.
Crowd: *Gasps in Surprise*
Baby Mario Bloops: Wait…what did you say?
Bandit: Umm…damn it…I said Stupid little awesome…rs. Yeah, that.
Baby Mario Bloops: I’d like you to know that I have recording devices planted all over this room, and they catch the smallest sounds, like a heartbeat that picks up when the person lies, or a cuss word that will get them kicked off.
Crowd: Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…you’re in twouble!
Bandit: The crowd doesn’t even know how to say trouble! I’m sure that they could verify that I did not cuss.
Baby Mario Bloops: Don’t need them, remember? I will come back later, and bring Shy Guy up to the chair that you sit, and play what you said.
Bandit: You know what? I’m going to kill you!
Baby Mario Bloops: Guards!
Security Guards: Got him Boss…time to go, you little troublemaker.
Baby Mario Bloops: Alright, interesting show today. Hopefully the drama didn’t get too overwhelming today. I will see you all next month…as long as I don’t get attacked when I’m walking alone. See ya!
Last week, Waluigi faced off against Birdo in the World Ping‐Pong Championship of Championships Tournament Cup, better knows as the WPPCCTC. Birdo was leading in the fifth set, ten points to three, and hit what seemed to be the winning shot, but Waluigi reacted quickly and impaled the ball on his hideous, pointy nose. He did this another 3,103 times until the tournament organizers had run out of balls. While the organizers went to the store to grab more balls, Waluigi impaled Birdo with his nose, therefore ending the tournament. Waluigi was disqualified and Birdo was unable to receive the trophy, so the third‐place finisher, Poochy, was declared the champion.
Hello, I’m New Super Mario with the Weather report. It appears that many Koopas have still been suffering from the cold brutal weather, ever since it started snowing outside. But there is no fear because today it looks like Fire Snakes are building up in the clouds. Those Koopas will be happy, it will be warm outside, and watch your heads. At least, that’s what Baby Luigi said… Also in the weather report, it looks like we’ve recently spotted a giant Monty Mole coming this way in a huge tunnel. So I’m New Super Mario saying “watch out for the earthquake”!
Hello readers, this is your weather forecast for September. As you may have noticed, the days are getting shorter and shorter with each passing day as we are leaving the summer season and approach fall. Trees are starting to lose their leaves and get moody about it, and it’s getting colder. Clouds dominate the sky in most regions inside and around the Mushroom Kingdom. And then there is the occasional rain falling over Goomba Village.
Speaking of clouds, an unnaturally large gathering of clouds over Toad Town has been reported. The whole city is covered in a thick fog, and you cannot see farther ahead than three feet. Of course there have been mass panics in the town (as usual), but weather scholars reported that there is no imminent danger. Upon closer inspection of the incident, experts discovered the cause of the unusual phenomenon. It’s the annual Lakitu convention held in Toad Town. Lakitus from near and far are coming together within the city walls and talk about fashionable goggles and the newest cloud models. The convention is scheduled to end after two weeks and scholars assume that the clouds will vanish along with the Lakitus.
The weirdest and freakiest person in world, Waluigi, but everyone gets scared and runs from her when watching her Mario foot!
She says in public that she will marry Bowser and destroy the Mushroom Kingdom.
This Magikoopa is so strange that Bowser is scared of him!
Mario has a younger self, Baby Mario, but there is one piece missing from Mario’s chronology puzzle: the future Mario. So you will be glad to hear about the star of Nintendo’s newest game: Old Mario! In his old age, Mario has lost the ability to jump high, and looks like a lunatic when he runs. Launch Stars reject him, young Toads call him Medusa, and Yoshi gets embarrassed hanging around with him. He has gained new abilities, however – a walking stick. Instead of jumping on Goombas, he hits them on the head with his walking stick and gives them a long lecture about how much better yesterday was, usually starting with “Back in my day…” You may say, “This is too easy. Where is the strategy?” However, our hero has to give different lectures for different kinds of enemies.
Anyway, since he is too old to jump higher, he has to wait for the lift . Other challenges Old Mario faces include waiting in line for the disabled toilet and going to the hospital for his annual check‐up, and babysitting the grandkids. Instead of getting Fire Flowers, he uses walking frames. He also likes to Kart like his former self, but instead he uses a mobility scooter.
By... C'mon, you know who writes this.
Hello dear readers! I am Tucayo in the first proper issue of Ask Tucayo! First, how does it work? Well, it’s very simple, you just need to PM me a question about anything you want, and I’ll answer it in the next issue. If you want, your question can be anonymous, just tell me so. Let’s go to the questions.
Q: Dear Tucayo,
I have always been wondering: where did you get your name from?
Q: Since you're a Koopa and all, I thought you might know this. How in the name of Goomba's headache does Koops put his shirt on?
Q: Do you prefer the Super Mario Wiki or its forums, and why?
Q: Dear Tucayo, how long do you think you'll stay on the Wiki?