The 'Shroom:Issue 185/Fake News
Hello, Fake News readers! We've successfully finished another issue of Fake News for you to read, another Awards ceremony, and... another summer. Huh, that was fast. With all the chaos of Awards season, some of our writers did understandably need to take a break, so Mushroom Tribune and Horrorscopes are absent this month.
If you haven't already heard, our Director, Statistics Manager, and Fake News writer (The Odyssey of a Squid) Ninja Squid (talk) will be leaving us after this issue. I've gotten sappy enough already over in the Staff Notes, but I just wanted to say thanks again for everything. We'll definitely miss him!
We're always on the lookout for new writers here in Fake News! If you think you'd like to write a Fake News section (or any 'Shroom section at all, really) be sure to check out our sign up page for more information on how to apply! Or, if you'd like to write a guest section like ClawgripFan9001, whether that's a News Flush, your own spin on Sport Report, or something else, you can just send it to me privately with no application necessary, and we'll get everything sorted out.
Section of the Month
Congratulations to Quizmelon (talk) for taking first place this month with TV Tomorrow, with an attempt at expanding the franchise with new business ventures! Coming in second is Consumer Corner with a celebratory new cereal, and in third is Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, with guest co-commentator Cranky Kong. Thanks for voting, and be sure to continue supporting our writers!
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
|1st||TV Tomorrow||15||31.91%||Quizmelon (talk)|
|2nd||Consumer Corner||12||25.53%||Waluigi Time (talk)|
|3rd||Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown||11||23.40%||Waluigi Time (talk)|
Yar, greetings and salutations, sports enthusiasts! It be me, that pirate crustacean, ClawgripFan9001! And I'm here to bring you the latest sports news the Mushroom World has to offer! Today, I'm on the DK Isles to bring you the coverage of a red hot boxing match between the Kong Family and King Krusha K. Rool! This heck of a matchup consisting of twelve three minute rounds we'll be covering today is being brought to you by Rareware and Nintendo in association with K. Rool Enterprises, and it appears that five members of the Kong Family, Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, Lanky Kong, Tiny Kong and Chunky Kong will be taking on the King of the Kremling Krew!
So let's get into the match! In one corner, we have, weighing in at a solid eight-hundred lbs, Donkey Kong himself! And in the other corner, we have, weighing in at an unknown amount of weight, King Krusha K. Rool! So here goes the first round! The King of the Kremling Krew starts out strong by creating several shockwaves to try and harm the leader of the Kong Family, but Donkey Kong doesn't appear to be phased by this and hops into a Baboon Blast Cannon, waiting for an opening, and upon seeing one, he shoots King Krusha K. Rool right in the face! Donkey Kong repeats this process three times and sends King Krusha K. Rool down for the count! The referee counts down to eight, but the bell is rung, signifying that Donkey Kong's time in the ring with the Kremling King is up!
On to the next round of the match! Next up to represent the Kong Family, we have, Donkey Kong's nephew and best little buddy in the whole wide world, Diddy Kong! King Krusha K. Rool has changed up his attack tactics and is now pelting Diddy Kong by throwing his boxing gloves like boomerangs! Diddy Kong is hit by this attack tactic a couple of times, but this scrappy little simian isn't gonna give up this easily and uses his trusty jet pack and Peanut Popguns to send the stage lights above the ring tumbling down onto the Kremling King's head! The last of the four stage lights gets stuck on King Krusha K. Rool, and he is once again down for the count! The referee once again counts down to eight, but the bell is rung once more, signifying the end of the round for Diddy Kong!
For the next round, going up against King Krusha K. Rool, we have a clownish Kong with elastic arms that could give Sonic the Werehog a run for his money, Lanky Kong! King Krusha K. Rool's head still appears to be trapped inside a stage light from his scuffle with Diddy Kong, and Lanky Kong gladly takes advantage of the Kremling King's predicament by using his elastic arms to punch buttons that cause barrels filled with abnormally large banana peels to appear, and they are thrown into the ring! Lanky Kong then taunts King Krusha K. Rool into going after him with a little trombone concert, and since his sight is still obscured from the stage light stuck on his head, King Krusha K. Rool slips on the banana peel and takes damage! Lanky Kong repeats this process three times and like Donkey and Diddy before him, sends K. Rool down for the count! The referee starts counting down, but by the time he reaches four, the bell is rung multiple times, forcing the referee to stop counting by the time he reaches eight! You could almost say that the Kremling Krew is attempting to manipulate the match in favor of their beloved leader, but the Kong Family is determined to defeat K. Rool at all costs!
Prior to the beginning of the fourth round, a number of Kremlings come into the ring to attempt to get the stage light off of K. Rool's head, and successfully do so, at the cost of being flattened by both their beloved leader and the stage light alike! Ouch, that's definitely gonna leave a mark...But I digress! Up next to represent the Kong Family in the ring, the younger sister of Dixie Kong and the cousin of Chunky Kong and Kiddy Kong, she lives up to her name, it's Tiny Kong! The Kremling King returns to his attack tactics of the first round by creating shockwaves to try and harm Tiny Kong, but she is unphased and the Kremling King appears to be harmed by his own attack tactics! Talk about an eye for an eye situation! Tiny Kong shrinks down in size and enters K. Rool's shoe through a hole in the front! Yuck, I would definitely not want to be in that shoe! Tiny Kong comes back out the shoe and grows back to her regular size! She repeats her attack tactic three more times to send K. Rool down for the count once more! The referee once again counts down to eight before K. Rool is once again saved by the bell, which appears to have broken down for some reason!
And now for the final round of the match, going up against K. Rool for the Kong Family, we have, weighing in at a monstrous two-thousand lbs, the only Kong to surpass Donkey Kong himself in strength, it's Chunky Kong! K. Rool goes for a wrestling attack tactic this time around, which according to my sources, is legally accepted for this boxing match! The Kremling King bounces off of the ropes and turns invisible! Chunky Kong uses his Gorilla Gone move to turn himself invisible before hopping into a barrel and turning into Hunky Chunky, and proceeds to clob the Kremling King in the face! Ouch, that too is gonna be leaving a mark! Chunky Kong repeats his attack tactics three more times to send the Kremling King down for the count once more! King Krusha K. Rool has been defeated, making the Kong Family the winners of tonight's boxing match!
After the match had concluded, I attempted to interview King Krusha K. Rool about his loss to the Kong Family, but was unable to get a hold of him since I was told that after the match concluded, K. Rool was distracted by some of the pretty women in the audience and promptly sent flying over the horizon with a boot launcher! What a shame! I really wanted to get the Kremling King's thoughts on his defeat at the hands of the Kong Family, but it appears that won't be the case tonight! Yar, and that be all there is to tonight's sports news, mateys! Thanks for tuning in to tonight's Sports Report! I be ClawgripFan9001, and I hope you have a great day!
The Mushroom Marquee
Ceremonial Production Chillingly Challenges Personal Expectations
Although I find myself primarily involved in the local neighborhoods of Toad Town, I cannot deny the allure of New Wikisburg and its community. The achievements of its residents are remarkable - if you need any proof of this statement, the publication you are currently reading is produced there. With this in mind, where else could one imagine an event like the Awards Ceremony to be held? Annually, the community comes together to celebrate each other and stories that span across the entire Mushroom Kingdom. Personally, I have never participated in the Awards festivities, even though some of my fellow colleagues have. Perhaps ceremonies of their scale are not my cup of tea, or perhaps my expertise is less relevant there than typical. You might imagine how my eyebrow raised, then, when I was personally invited to a theatrical performance by a fellow writer of the 'Shroom, Vincent Van Shoeul. Several 'Shroom staff members had worked in collaboration to prepare the showing, and a good portion of those staff members were directly acting onstage. An event tailored towards my interests at the Ceremony? Simply put, I could not pass up the opportunity. I graciously accepted the invitation, expecting something more family-oriented for a broad-reaching event like the Awards Ceremony.
I should have realized what sort of omen Vincent Van Shoeul inviting me was, however. Rather than a relaxing romp, before me was "Vengeance of the Abominable Shoe". For the uninformed audience, "Vengeance" could best be described by the adjective in its title: abominable. It is direct and graphic in its depiction of deranged murder, and its lead's tragically Greek downfall has been identified as one of the most twisted character stories in modern theatre. I will be blunt when I state that the script does not speak to my interests as an audience member. With that being said, clear passion exuded from the apron of the stage, and I would feel unjustified in brushing it aside when my own biases are placed at the forefront.
"Vengeance of the Abominable Shoe" was directed by Van Shoeul himself, in passing collaboration with notable director Williu Actwell. Actwell's signature touches were sprinkled throughout the performance, but I will speak to his directions more next month, when I review the opening of his significant upcoming work. Special attention should be given to Van Shoeul, for his expertise in the world of horror has allowed him to develop a sickening presentation of what was already a controversial script. Though its spectacle could be described as more "homely" or "slipshod", never does Van Shoeul let a limited budget restrain his vision for a performance that will make his audience shudder.
The script is lead by 'Shroom staffer and writer Shoey, who takes on the challenging role of the Abominable Shoe. An intensity burns within the writer, which helped to sell his stakes and motivations for every scene. Shoey does not seem to be an experienced actor, but certainly potential rests within him. Of course, the rest of the 'Shroom staff members were willing to place as much emphasis on their parts. Anton stepped into the role of Hypnodirector without much trouble, while Hooded Pitohui's performance as the Dear Friend was honest, if not a little melodramatic in some line deliveries and underwhelming in others. This reviewer would argue that the greatest talent onstage was that of the Fun Stuff Director, played by Roserade. Raw, emotional, and stunningly glamorous, he truly soared as an actor in this script. I hope to see him star in many more productions, very soon. There was an issue of shoehorned deaths, I felt - throwaway lines without much care, shouted out to artificially bolster the viciousness of the kills. This was a consistent notice of mine across all the death scenes, and I wonder if more could have been done to earnestly invest the play's audience before the eventual demises.
An adaptation of "Vengeance" can become challenged by the incorporation of several locations throughout its run. Thankfully, the set dressing of scenic designer TPG mitigated this issue strongly. There is never an intention to mask the stage and act as though it is reality; the performance space is clearly a performance space, which allowed for easy prop and scenery transitions. In addition, despite the depravity I still encountered, I found that this decision did something to soften the contents of the production, most likely in an attempt to receive a greenlight from the Awards Committee.
One might say I stumbled into an unexpected first encounter with the Awards Ceremony, to which I'd respond, you are absolutely correct. I was rather taken aback by its shock value, and frankly, had Van Shoeul mentioned to me what show I was reviewing, I would have intentionally entered with a more open mind than I did. While recognizing that, I can also state that the passion of the performance and the willingness to combat expectations for what an Awards production should be is significant to me, and I left the theater with the sense that I had gained something. I hope to see more of this cast and crew in the coming years - for this old writer's heart, I will pray for it to be something less abominable next time.
Vengeance of an Abominable Shoe
Directed by: Vincent Van Shoeul
Where: Awards Theater
Only performance on August 12th, but the full production can be found streaming on 'ShroomTube
Admission: Free to stream
Runtime: 45 minutes
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Hello hello, welcome back once again to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament where everything and everyone is a death trap, unless you have a Spike Shield badge equipped. I am your host as always, Waluigi Time, once again back to running solo. No crazy old apes getting their two cents in every five seconds this time! And hopefully it'll stay that way for a while. I'd prefer future co-commentators to be more cooperative...
Anyway, we've got a match for you today that's sure to be a great one. Give a big round of applause to the Axe-Wielding Assassins, the Distributors of Disorder, the AXEM RANGERS!
|"We fight for-"|
Hey, save the intro for later, okay guys? Anyway, that's right, all five of the Axem Rangers are here today! To get a win, all five of them will need to be KO'ed! Is that unfair? Maybe a little bit, but they're cool. Each member of the Rangers brings something different to the table, with Red's more balanced combat style, Black's special attacks, Green's magical proficiency, Pink's healing abilities, and Yellow's physical bulk. They've all got their own individual strengths and weaknesses, and of course, they all have axes, because without them, they'd just be the M Rangers, and that wouldn't make much sense.
But who is powerful enough to take on five fighters at once? Certainly this is too unbalanced of a challenge... or is it? Paging the King of Awesome himself, the Boss of Bwahaha, BOWSER!
The Koopa King is looking a bit blockier than usual today, and I have to be honest, this isn't quite Bowser, but rather his likeness made from Legos!
|"Uh, it's actually LEGO® bricks, not Legos."|
What? Chuck, that's stupid.
|"Y'know, it's to avoid that thing where the brand name becomes generic because everyone calls all products of that type by the name of one brand."|
Well, not like I care.
|"Unless their lawyers are watching this match."|
...As I was saying, this is a likeness of Bowser made from... LEGO® bricks! He's got the beef, he's got claws, he's somehow even worse on the feet than the real Bowser! He even spits fire which is, in fairness, also made from Leg- erm, LEGO® bricks, but there's a reason all those instruction manuals say not to aim projectiles at other people. And if you try to break him apart, he's made of LEGO® bricks, so he can just put himself back together! You've never seen Bowser this resilient before, and that's saying something considering an average Tuesday for the guy involves getting dunked in lava.
This prediction is a tough one, because the real Bowser may have been involved in defeating the Axem Rangers before. Eyewitness accounts on that one vary, though. But that wasn't a 5v1, and each of the Axem Rangers will be a different roadblock for Bowser. Axem Green, for example, is a total pushover where physical combat is concerned, but Axem Yellow, being the most defensive, could be a tougher fight, especially when backed up by his fellow Rangers all going at Bowser at the same time. It's a tough call, but I think I'm going to have to tilt in the direction of the Axem Rangers here. They've got the numbers and the strategy, they just might be able to overtake a rampaging LEGO® monster. But let's not delay things any further, let's get the match started and see for ourselves, shall we?
|"We fight for evil!"|
|"We live for disorder!"|
|"We like what we do!"|
|"We struggle for chaos!"|
|"...the AXEM RANGERS!!"|
With their introduction out of the way, the Axem Rangers assume battle stances, and Bowser charges forward! He rips into the first thing he sees with his LEGO® claws, which is, unfortunately for the Ranger, Axem Red! He's hearty though, he can take it. Axem Black defends him by using his special Spritz Bomb move, dropping a barrage of explosives onto Bowser! A few pieces fly off, but nothing too important. Bowser turns his attention to Black, and while he's distracted, Axem Pink uses a healing spell on Red. Teamwork makes the dream work, as they say. Meanwhile, Bowser wails on poor Black with his claws, and Axem Green is quick to defend him with a whack to the back of Bowser's shell, but it does pretty much nothing! Axem Yellow is trying to come to the rescue too, but he's very slow...
With one last swing of his claw, Bowser shatters Axem Black's sunglasses! That's enough for him to run away, apparently. Axem Black is out of the fight, and now it's down to four on one! Yellow has finally arrived, but for Black, it's too little, too late. It's not a total loss though, Yellow takes a swing with his axe at Bowser's left elbow, loosening a lot of pieces and causing his forearm to fall to the ring floor! To add injury to, well, more injury, Green casts Solidify, freezing Bowser inside a giant icicle! Red and even Pink come in as all four of the Rangers prepare to go to town, but Bowser shatters the ice, emerging with a triumphant roar as the Rangers are pelted with ice shards! Bowser picks up his severed LEGO® arm and hurls it at Green, knocking him right in the head! Green complains of a headache and leaves, and now it's down to just three Axem Rangers remaining.
Bowser stomps over and picks up his arm again, this time reattaching it. Good as new! Pink casts another healing spell on Red, him being the one that took most of the brunt from the ice barrage, but while she's occupied, Bowser launches a LEGO® fireball at her and moves in for a finishing blow! Red tries to stop him, but Bowser swats him away like a fly and continues toward Pink, delivering a powerful punch to the face! Pink complains of running makeup and leaves as well, leaving only Red and Yellow to face Bowser now. Red increases his vigor for more attack power, not sure how that works, but he's doing it! Yellow, meanwhile, opts for a body slam right into Bowser's stomach! Bowser is knocked back a bit, but doesn't seem to have taken any damage, that looks like solid LEGO® construction right there. The two of them continue to trade blows, Yellow managing to take some non-essential pieces off of Bowser's legs and Bowser getting in some solid attacks as well. But what Bowser doesn't notice is that Red just leapt into the air behind him and sliced his head clean off with his axe! The head tumbles off and clobbers Yellow, who decides he's hungry and darts over to the concession stand.
But don't count Bowser out yet, what's a little decapitation when you're made out of LEGO® bricks? It's a 1v1 between Bowser and Axem Red! Bowser stumbles around the ring, trying his best to reassemble himself, while Red continues to get good blows in on the rest of his body with that axe, he's losing quite a few pieces! He does manage to get his head back on, but it's backwards! Talk about having eyes in the back of your head, eh? He spins it around and now everything's back where it should be, mostly, and that means no more free attacks for Red! Bowser launches a LEGO® fireball at him, doesn't seem to do much though. With no other options, Red increases his vigor once more, and leaps in for an attack directly on Bowser's head! And... It's a complete disaster! Bowser denies him the attack and punches him straight down to the ground! Red complains of a spinning head and becomes the final Axem Ranger to leave the ring, leaving Bowser as the winner!
Well, that was certainly exciting! Thanks for tuning in, hopefully you enjoyed, and uh, if you're part of the legal department at LEGO®, hopefully you have been appeased. If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see in Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown next, be sure to send them our way! See you next time!
Okay, the match is over, so I can safely say Legos again.
We're still live?
Welcome back to TV Tomorrow. I’m still looking for ways to expand the franchise and convert my hard work into unashamedly monetary gain. So I’m happy to announce this August the TV Tomorrow: Booster Article Pass, which provides three extra televisual treats every month! I have to write them quite quickly so the writing quality on them isn’t so sharp, but don’t worry, it won’t impact the overall reading experience. I might even bring back some classic entries from past articles, new and updated for 2022. Anyway, if you want to receive those, just send me £25 and I’ll get them to you as soon as I can. For the unboosted reader, however, please find below the regular selection of TV Tomorrow television recommendations!
New: The Blade of Calamity Vale
Genre: Fantasy drama
Inspired by the popular fantasy book and video game series ‘Legend of the Seven Stars’, The Blade of Calamity Vale plays fast and loose with that franchise’s lore and continuity, angering most of its fans. However, overlooking that, this is an excellent show for anyone unfamiliar with the series - telling the dramatic story of a castle crushed by a giant, malevolent blade, bringing doom and misrule to a kingdom, and following the journey of several individuals as they seek to save the realm but also compete for power. The characters are strong and the cinematic visuals are superb (though that doesn’t quite come across in the accompanying image for some reason). A great show, if not a great adaptation of the original.
Live: The Shopping Hour with Cranky Kong
Toad Shopping Network, 1pm
Genre: Home shopping
Okay, bear with me. Normally I would never recommend watching anything on the Toad Shopping Network. I mean, they call this programme ‘The Shopping Hour’ as if it’s special when every hour on their network is the Shopping Hour, it’s all they show. But tomorrow is different. In an attempt to improve ratings and sales, TSN has brought in celebrities to do the selling all week. Previous ones have been dull - nobody’s tuning in for The Shopping Hour with Light Blue Yoshi - but this week’s is Cranky Kong, and if tomorrow’s hour replicates Cranky’s shows so far this week, it’ll be full of hilarious grumpy sarcasm and deadpan faux-enthusiasm. No idea how they got Cranky to do this, but it’s sure to be an amusing watch. (Don’t buy anything though.)
Waluigi’s Pinball Chaos
Genre: Action game show
It might be derided as lowest-common-denominator slapstick hilarity, but there’s still hilarity to be had in Waluigi’s Pinball Chaos, the game show where ordinary people take on a series of difficult pinball-inspired obstacle courses and try to get to the end. Most fail spectacularly, and seeing someone get walloped with a giant (but reportedly safe) pinball never gets old. And there’s a beauty in seeing a genuinely talented person weave their way through the course, too. Waluigi hams it up as the chaotic high-energy announcer, and the creative set aesthetic is colourful, intricate, and instantly memorable. An incredibly fun watch in all aspects.
That’s it for August. I am sorry to report, however, that the Booster Article Pass has been cancelled due to low membership, and the fact the only person who did sign up broke my writing hand. Hmm. No need to worry, I will continue to attempt to expand TV Tomorrow beyond its roots and turn it into a global phenomenon. Prepare for that eventuality, but before that, you can expect another TV Tomorrow next September - it’s September’s TV Tomorrow! See you then!
You're tuned in to Consumer Corner, bringing you the latest and greatest products from the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond.
We open to see that oddball Waluigi Time on an infomercial set, about to show off his latest product - some sort of square covered with a white cloth. "Hello all you fine people out there watching TV at this insert whatever time of day it is for you right now here! It's me, Waluigi Time, CEO of Waluigi Time Cereal Incorporated, with a fantastic new product that you definitely can't live without! We're breaking new ground, because this isn't a cereal, or even anything you can eat! ...Probably. I won't stop you from trying, but you really shouldn't. Behold..." Waluigi Time dramatically lifts the cloth and tosses it into the background, revealing what appears to be an upside-down POW Block. "The Mob Block!"
"Now you're probably wondering, 'Waluigi Time, what does this do? Why do I need it?' Well, I'll tell you! This Mob Block disperses annoying crowds of people! Just watch! Chuck, come here for a minute." Waluigi Time motions, and Chuck comes onscreen. "What are we doing again?" he asks. "Oh, just showing off the newest product. Watch this!" Waluigi Time says, and smashes the Mob Block with his fist, knocking poor Chuck into the air and on the ground. "Look how simple to use and effective it is! Oh, and just to clear the air, we definitely didn't steal any ideas from M-corporated!*"
* - Really! We promise!
"At this point you may be thinking, 'what does this have to do with your business? Have you lost your mind?' Well, to answer the second question, of course not, but to answer the first question, let's have a little demonstration!" Suddenly Waluigi Time is in a grocery store setting in front of the cereal aisle, packed full of annoying Toads! "Have you ever wanted to buy one of your favorite Waluigi Time Cereals, only to find that the aisle was completely packed like this? Say goodbye to that problem with the Mob Block!" Waluigi Time bashes the Mob Block, knocking all the Toads to the ground. He casually strolls through the aisle and grabs a box of Waluigi Time Cereal off the shelf before turning back to the camera. "It's perfect for those new product launches when everyone is scrambling for the cereal aisle! Now YOU can ensure that you'll be able to get there before anyone else!"
Far from finished, Waluigi Time returns to the original set. "But maybe you don't like cereal, and that's okay! This has plenty of other uses, like... waiting in line for basically anything!" Waluigi Time, seeing a long line of Toads, bashes the Mob Block and topples them over, using them as platforms to walk to the front of the line.
"...speeding up awkward family get-togethers!" Waluigi Time, at a table with several other Waluigi Times (the magic of editing!) bashes the Mob Block, knocking them out of their chairs, resulting in a cacophony of various "WAHs".
"...getting rid of solicitors!" Waluigi Time opens a door, sees a Toad with a clipboard, and immediately bashes the Mob Block, knocking him over before slamming the door in his face. "Don't use it on 'Shroom shillers though, okay?"
"...and MORE! You can't continue on in life without the Mob Block, so what are you waiting for? Call 1-800-WTCEREAL and order your very own Mob Block today! And as a limited time offer, we'll throw in a second one to thank you for being such a great customer! Just pay an additional fee along with shipping and handling!"
The Mob Block, new from Waluigi Time Cereal Incorporated! Never deal with packed crowds, long lines, undesirable visitors, or any other generally inconvenient people again!
"Wahaha! Buy this or else!"
|The 'Shroom: Issue 185|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing|