The 'Shroom:Issue 184/Fake News
Hello Fake News readers! Welcome to another issue of your favorite happenings with no basis in reality whatsoever. That's what we're here for, after all.
It's a bit of a smaller issue this time around, with The Mushroom Marquee and Horrorscopes both being absent, but they'll be back soon enough. It's perfectly understandable, after all, we're getting very close to this year's annual Mario Awards ceremony! If you've never attended a Mario Awards ceremony before, be sure to check out the dedicated board on the forums to learn more. As I'm writing this, there's still plenty of slots open for presentation sign-ups, so I highly recommend checking that out if you're interested and signing up! It's a great opportunity to show off your creativity, and it doesn't have to be anything huge or super flashy either.
And of course, if you're interested in writing for Fake News, be sure to check out our sign up page for more information! Or, if you'd prefer to send in a one-off section with no application necessary, whether that's News Flush or something else, just send it to me privately and we'll work something out.
Section of the Month
Coming in first this month is the return of Merlthazar the Oracle in GBA's (talk) Horrorscopes! Looks like we'll have to get back to sending those trophies to the edge of the cosmos. Following that, it's my own Consumer Corner in second place supplying your dental hygiene needs (thank you!), and Quizmelon's (talk) TV Tomorrow in a very close third, with a showcase of TV programs straight from Isle Delfino. Thank you to everyone who supported our writers, and be sure to keep voting!
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
|2nd||Consumer Corner||7||16.28%||Waluigi Time (talk)|
|3rd||TV Tomorrow||6||13.95%||Quizmelon (talk)|
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Koopa Kingdom Faces Financial Crisis as Hotel Chain Fails
The Koopa Kingdom is believed to be confronting a financial crisis due to the failure of the Klub Koopa Resorts hotel chain. What scarce information that has made it out of the kingdom suggests that an emergency meeting is being held at Bowser's Castle to address the ongoing financial crisis, with prominent commanders such as the Whomp King, Goomboss, General Guy, Boss Sumo Bro., and King Bob-omb being called to the castle by royal advisors Kamek and Kammy Koopa on behalf of the Koopa King. Some Koopa Kingdom observers believe that the royal Koopa line is preparing for a period of unrest, with military commanders likely to be told to focus their efforts on quelling any dissent as the Koopa Kingdom implements strict austerity measures. Others dispute these claims, saying that all that can be established from the known facts is that a meeting is occurring and that it will focus on a financial crisis. These observers claim that the meeting may focus as much on decisions regarding the future of the sole hotel still operating and the future of the Klub Koopa Resorts project as it focuses on domestic matters.
The royal Koopa line used funds drawn from the kingdom's treasury to build the seven elaborate Koopa Hotels, reportedly on advice from the Koopalings, who were given responsibility from the project, claiming that the hotels would produce a guaranteed return on the investment. While guests flocked to the hotels when they first opened, tourists quickly turned away from most the hotels amidst reports of mismanagement, a scandal which saw Princess Peach claiming to have been held in Bowser's Seizures Palace Hotel against her will, and criticism from celebrities such as Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. For months, the hotels have operated at a loss, kept in business by Koopa Kingdom bailouts. A month ago, the Koopa Kingdom changed their policy and stopped the flow of funds to the hotels, leaving each of them, save for Bowser's Seizure's Palace Hotel, to declare bankruptcy one by one as funds ran out. We spoke to one ex-employee of Roy's HardBrick Hotel, who asked to remain anonymous, fearing reprisals.
I'm not surprised the hotel fell apart. A fifty floor hotel was never going to be sustainable. There's no market we could count on to fill a fraction of the rooms. If that wasn't bad enough, the management was horrible. Lax standards meant that doors were always being left open, and us staff were spending half of our time closing doors. We had Parabombs left around the hotel as complimentary gifts to guests, which only ended up exploding everywhere and causing damage we had to repair. And the blackouts! Don't get me started on the blackouts! Someone seriously needed to look at the electrical in the building. No wonder the guests stopped coming after a couple weeks.
Observers noted that the Koopalings were called to Bowser's Castle earlier in the week, and, with the notable exception of Iggy Koopa, have remained out of the public eye since then, suggesting that they may have been given some kind of reprimand or punishment. Other observers dispute these claims, noting that punishment of such high-ranking individuals in the Koopa Kingdom is rare and reserved for exceptional circumstances.
While experts continue to monitor the Koopa Kingdom, the attention of many in the Mushroom Kingdom has turned to the hotels themselves, with the companies erected by the Koopa Kingdom to manage the hotels now, under court guidance, looking for ways to divest the hotels and the property they were built on. There's been public debate on what should happen to the hotels, with some calling for the Mushroom Kingdom to seize the hotels, others calling for them to be demolished, and others yet suggesting entrepreneurs in the kingdom might pick them up and decide what will be done to them.
We turn to two of our longtime reporters, Hooded Pitohui and Shoey, for their opinions.
|There's only one thing that can be done with these hotels, and that's demolishing them and keeping the Koopa Kingdom from erecting any more. Now, you know, Shoey, that I'm not one to suggest private industry can be trusted to cure the kingdom's ills, so that I'm saying this ought to tell you how important this is. Let's look at the facts. These hotels were overbuilt, ostentatious, improvident wastes of money, and they will simply never be more than that. Let us not fall into the same mistaken thinking of the Koopa Kingdom. These are luxury hotels built where there is no luxury market to sustain them, and that's before you get into their extensive disrepair. You simply can't expect to run a fifty-floor hotel here, much the less seven of them. Those calling on the Princess to buy the hotels and run them for the benefit of the kingdom are under the illusion they'll be something other than a financial drain, and those calling on private businesses to buy the hotels fail to understand that only the brands with the deepest pockets and a great deal of hospitality expertise, such as those in Marrymore and Poshley Heights, would even have a chance at running these hotels. Those brands are, wisely, staying away, all too aware these hotels will never turn a profit. I've seen the proposals that the kingdom should buy these hotels and turn them into subsidized housing, but, that proposal, as ideal as it might sound, overlooks the costs associated with renovating these hotels, overlooks the repairs that need to be done, and overlooks the reality that these hotels need extensive work to be brought up to code. You can't have a hotel or housing where the lights don't work and there's leftover Bob-ombs left in the rooms. These hotels were and are a waste, and the only way to keep them from turning into a hazard, to keep them from becoming a place where injuries occur as citizens sneak into them to explore, is to tear them down. Foreman Spike's Wrecking Crew has already expressed their interest in demolishing the hotels, and I am certain other demolition crews will express their interest if the opportunity is presented to them. The Mushroom Kingdom should take responsibility for the hotels and immediately open up a bidding process to professional demolition crews. It is, simply, in conjunction with a total freeze on future attempts to expand the mismanaged, unworkable Klub Koopa Resorts chain, the only reasonable path forward.|
|To me, the failure of Klub Koopa Resorts is a cautionary tale as to what happens if you don't have consistent branding. The original idea was great: Koopa Kingdom-themed hotels placed in major metropolises in the Mushroom Kingdom. But instead of sticking with that theme, for some reason Kamek and the interior ministry of the Koopa Kingdom allowed each of the Koopalings (with the notable exception of Iggy Koopa), to create their own vastly different themes. The result? There was no cohesion between the hotels. Instead of running with one central theme, each hotel felt completely different. Not only that, but with the exception of Bowser's Seizures Palace Hotel, none of them had anything to do with the culture of the Koopa Kingdom, which was their best hook. It's no surprise that, with the exception of Bowser's Seizures Palace Hotel, none of the hotels ever posted a profit, with the slight exception of Wendy's Blitz Snarlton Hotel, which, thanks to Wendy Koopa's brilliant decision to hire popular boogie-woogie star the Rhinestone Goomba (ask your parents if you don't know who that is), managed to, at the very least, break even. The success of the Bowser's Seizures Palace Hotel clearly shows that there is potential for a Koopa Kingdom-styled hotel that really leans into the exotic culture of the closed off Turtle Kingdom. I know that many think that the Koopa Kingdom should just cut their losses and give up on their Klub Koopa Resorts concept, but, according to my sources, there's a decent chance the Koopa Kingdom might attempt a rebrand. According to my sources there's a push to renew the project to be headed up solely by Iggy Koopa, the only Koopaling who didn't splinter off into his own theme. He instead ran Bowser's Seizures Palace Hotel, a hotel, I'm told, which was designed by Bowser himself. I've been told that there are those at the top that think this is a very important project that could be used to help rehabilitate the Koopa Kingdom's image and that many in the interior ministry are hesitant to abandon the project even if it loses money in the short term. Of course, I'm being told that as of now the plan is to completely end the project, but there's apparently some very heated debate going behind the scenes. I implore the Koopa Kingdom to not give up. These hotels can work; you just need to focus the brand on its strengths and rid the hotels of their weaknesses.|
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
We're back again, and about time too! Welcome to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament with walnuts, peanuts, pineapple smells, grapes, melons, oranges, and coconut shells. I am once again your banana slammin' host, Waluigi Time, and today I'm joined by my co-commentator, Cranky Kong! He just wandered into the building and said he was doing this, so I guess we're going with it. Say hi to the fans, Cranky.
|"You call that being a wrestling announcer? I could do a better job with my mouth wired shut! Kids these days, they'll just take anything flashy that comes their way! Back in my day, announcers had heart! They put effort into their craft! I can't believe that this drivel is what passes for entertainment nowadays!"|
I can already tell this is going to be thrilling. Anyway, if you haven't already guessed by the potentially obnoxious references to the DK Rap, this month's match is all about Donkey Kong himself, featuring exciting fighters straight from Donkey Kong Island that you nominated!
|"Sonny, I read those nominations, there was nothing 'exciting' about any one of 'em! Just goes to show the average brain power of the people who engage with this farce!"|
Cranky, I really don't think it's a good idea to insult the fans...
|"Sure it is! They need to hear this, then maybe they'll move on to some REAL entertainment! Any of you ever watch old tapes of the Kongo Bongo Superslam? Now THAT was wrestling, hoo boy! Maybe you oughta watch some of them you whippersnapper, obviously you've never seen what a proper wrestling tournament looks like!"|
(I hate this.)
|"Anyway, are you going to announce the fighters already? These people didn't pay for overpriced tickets to hear you prattle on all day!"|
I- you know what, it's not worth it. Alright, our first fighter, or group of fighters, rather, is the Pinchin' Pirates, Crustacean Corsair, the SCURVY CREW!
|"The Scurvy Crew?! You know, that whippersnapper Donkey never would've beaten these nautical nuisances if it weren't for all those helpful items he bought from me! I could swim in the Banana Coins I got from all those Life Balloons I sold him, heh heh!"|
That's right, this band of pirates led by Cap'n Greenbeard was once hypnotized by the Tiki Tak Tribe to try and stop DK and Diddy from recovering the banana hoard. As if their claws weren't bad enough, they've got some pretty nasty weaponry on them, like a hook, sword, and fork - personally I'm more partial to spoons, but I don't think those are as useful in combat. They basically just walk back and forth, either by themselves or stacked on top of each other as a group. That may not sound like much, but do you really want to get in their way with how many pointy things they have? I wouldn't think so.
And for those people trying to keep track of the Smackdown rules and feeling the need to contact me after every match to point things out, we've revised the rules so that group fighters are allowed. So don't bother me about it!
|"Makin' up the rules as you go, eh? You've got a real sloppy organization here!"|
Yeah, whatever. Facing off against this trio of pirates is the Boss of the Bees, the Sultan of Stings, KING ZING!
King Zing starts off by flying in a pattern around the arena, but the more you attack him, the angrier he gets! Hit him enough, and he gets faster and starts using different attacks, like firing stingers, chasing his opponents, and summoning Zingers to protect him! Not too often that we see a "berserker" type fighter in Smackdown that makes the fight harder as you make progress against them. Or you end up getting knocked out early and never see those moves at all! It's win-win, well, unless King Zing gets defeated, of course. And his weak point? The stinger! Trying to hit him anywhere else probably won't do too much.
|"How do you expect this to do anything? He got whupped by Squawks back in '95!"|
Well, birds aren't crabs, now are they? Anyway, I have some high hopes for King Zing. I think he's got a good chance to win this match today.
|"Pah! Shows what you know, there's no way King Zing will be able to withstand the Scurvy Crew!"|
Looks like we have a conflict of opinions here. Let's get into the ring and find out who wins!
|"It's about time, your introductions almost bored me to sleep!"|
Alright, starting things off, King Zing is just kind of flying around and not doing much, so it looks like it'll be up to the Scurvy Crew to attack first. Or to accidentally get in King Zing's way, I guess. They're just kind of walking around right now, I guess normally they'd burrow into the sand but there's a distinct lack of sand in here.
|"Is this how things normally go around here? You're running a snoozefest!"|
Cranky, the match just started ten seconds ago.
|"You gotta grab the audience's attention right from the start or they'll lose interest! Kids these days have horrible attention spans, after all! You'd never see such a sorry opener like this on the Kongo Bongo Superslam."|
You're really making me regret not having you thrown out when you showed up. Anyway, King Zing is flying out of reach, so the Scurvy Crew is now stacking up on top of each other to reach him! Pretty easy to catch up since King Zing insists on flying in a very specific pattern, for some reason... Cap'n Greenbeard takes a swing at King Zing with his hook and hits him right in the stinger! King Zing briefly flashes red and is now, uh, continuing to do the exact same thing but faster.
|"Wow, now that's adapting to your opponent."|
|"I was being sarcastic! Ever heard of nuance?"|
On the other hand, the Scurvy Crew seems to be adapting pretty well though, staying stacked up instead of separating. They're moving in towards King Zing again, but at least this time his increased speed is making it harder for them. But the Scurvy Crew catches up nonetheless! Cap'n Greenbeard successfully gets another hit off on King Zing! But wait, he's turned around and flies straight into them, toppling them over and scattering them upside down across the ring! King Zing fires out several sets of stingers, which- hey! That one almost hit me!
|"Too bad it didn't, imagine the ratings!"|
Yeah, that would be hilarious. But the stingers also hit the members of the Scurvy Crew! They've managed to get back up, and King Zing is... once again returning to flying around in a very specific pattern. This is one bee that's never heard "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" apparently. The Scurvy Crew has though, as they're stacking up again and going in for another attack! It's pretty much what you would expect at this point, Cap'n Greenbeard hits him again.
|"What were you thinking booking a fighter that only has one attack?"|
Well, speaking of the opposite of one attack, King Zing has now shrunk and turned red! I don't think the redness does anything, it's just to look cool, but he's summoned four other Zingers to act as bodyguards! They're all swarming towards the Scurvy Crew and topple them over again! But despite there being five of them, they don't seem to understand the concept of "splitting up" and they all go straight for Cap'n Greenbeard. He takes the attack but the other two crew members upright themselves, move in, and take out two of the Zingers! But now they're going for the blue guy who as far as I care is unnamed because there was nothing on their sign-up sheet. He raises his claws and they fly straight into them, which turns out to be a terrible decision which knocks out another one of the Zingers, and the blue guy takes out the remaining one with his sword! But now the yellow one moves in and attacks King Zing right in the stinger with his fork! King Zing lands on the ground, aaand... I think that's it for him! The Scurvy Crew wins!
|"Hmph. Told you King Zing wouldn't amount to anything!"|
Well, thanks everyone for tuning in, I need to get out of here now because the smell of old monkey is starting to become overpowering. But remember, if you have suggestions for who you'd like to see in the next Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, send them in!
|"Those suggestions were terrible, if I were you I'd scrap that entirely and pick them yourself! Not that I have much confidence you'd do much better."|
Oh yeah, and Cranky's banned for life. Chuck, get him out of here.
TV Tomorrow’s been going for over six years now, so I think it’s high time to expand the franchise a bit. So I am very excited to announce three brand new ventures under the ‘TV Tomorrow’ name - the TV Tomorrow Adventure theme park, opening at Universal Studios Omaha; the TV Tomorrow Café, opening about sixty kilometres outside Hammerfest, Norway; and most exciting of all, TV Tomorrow: The Musical!, playing off-off-off-off-Broadway and hopefully starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Natalie Portman. Obviously all these things are only in the early stages of planning, but I promise they’ll be great. Still, we mustn’t forget the series’s true roots. So here for you, as always, is the top three Mushroom Kingdom shows of the forthcoming day!
Genre: Dark physical comedy
Based on the successful stage show, Sprung follows an absurd premise: a man, played by Mario, whose insecurity about his jumping height pressures him to take misguided forays into alternative medicine and is ultimately given a suspicious remedy by a Shy Guy doctor that turns his body into a permanent spring. What follows is a surprisingly compelling physical comedy that somehow never gets repetitive or coarse, as Mario attempts to adjust to the bouncier nature of his life while desperately seeking a way to reverse the process. An excellent translation from stage to screen.
Gardening Like Clockwork
Genre: Gardening show
In essence Gardening Like Clockwork is a gardening advice programme. The Steam Gardeners who present the show have been built to be skilled gardeners, making them experts on techniques such as Fire Flower cultivation or vine pruning, both of which are addressed in tomorrow’s episode. However, it’s also part documentary, exploring the unusual nature of the Steam Gardens as a garden run entirely by automatons, making it an interesting watch even for those who aren’t keen gardeners. (Incidentally, the Steam Gardeners are not clockwork as the show title suggests. Nor are they steam-powered. They are charged with Power Moon energy. Unsuccessful naming choices all round.)
Live: Strikers Premier League 2022
MKBC Sports, 11pm
Genre: Strikers Charged Football
The new Strikers Premier League season started a month ago but the competition is already heating up. If you haven’t ever seen a Strikers Charged Football match, you won’t understand that I mean ‘heating up’ literally, as the genuine psychopaths who run the league are setting every pitch on fire this week as a ‘fun twist’. With their track record, it’s a fairly standard move, to be honest. Tomorrow’s match between the Mario Rockets and the Wario Cyclones promises to be action-packed, frenetic, and extremely violent. Great fun, but there’s a reason it’s on so late.
There’s the shows, you won’t want to miss them! And of course don’t forget the upcoming TV Tomorrow business vent… oh. Seems that the space at Universal Studios has already been rented for a theme park called the David Hasselhoff Experience. Oh. And the café building hasn’t been constructed yet because all the foundations have melted. Oh. And Benedict and Natalie both said no to the musical. Oh well. Perhaps TV Tomorrow will have to remain unexpanded for now. So I suppose I’ll see you in August with the standard format of TV Tomorrow!
You're tuned in to Consumer Corner, bringing you the latest and greatest products from the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond.
It's your typical party scene in the delicious landscape of Peach's Birthday Cake (not that we recommend eating nearly 24-year old cake that's been stepped on by multiple people). Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Daisy are here, all having a grand old time, and nothing could possibly go wrong! Just kidding, it's Mario Party, everything can go wrong at any given moment, and the next poor sucker to roll that infernal dice block is none other than Luigi. With a naive "wahoo!" he hits the dice block, jaunts across the frosted ground, before finally freezing in terror as he realizes that he stopped on a Bowser Space. "Oh-a no!!" he cries! Mario and Peach gasp in shock, while Daisy merely laughs at his misfortune. The ground opens up beneath Luigi and he falls to the stony depths below...
"Welcome! BWAHAHA!" laughs the Koopa King. "This is the Bowser Space! Expecting Bowser?" Suddenly, Bowser removes his own head, revealing himself to actually be that oddball Waluigi Time in a Bowser costume. "TOO BAD! WALUIGI TIME!" "This is even worse," groans Luigi. "Luckily for you, Bowser's busy right now, so he asked me to watch his space for a bit! Something about a strikers match, I guess. Anyway, I figured, what better opportunity to promote my brand new Party Time Cereal!" "Can't you just steal my stars and call it a day?" asks Luigi, not having any of this. "Of course not! That would involve infinitely less shilling. Besides, I can't turn down a captive audience. So, you like parties, right?" "Until about thirty seconds ago," Luigi replies. "Close enough! Well guess what, we at Waluigi Time Cereal Inc. have created a brand new cereal specifically for parties!" Waluigi Time pulls out a box of the brand new Party Time Cereal. "In an effort to make the most fun cereal possible, we put the most fun things we could find in it! Well, only the edible ones, of course. That's why we've included an excessive amount of whipped cream and sprinkles! And to make it even more fun, we added purple star-shaped marshmallows. It's the perfect cereal to bring to any parties you may be attending in, oh, I don't know, August, maybe?" Waluigi Time winks at the camera. "Huh, that might actually be the most normal thing you've made," Luigi notes. "Wait until you see the nutritional value, wahaha!"
After a moment of silence, Luigi pipes up. "So... was that the spiel?" "Yeah, that was it." "Can I go now?" Waluigi Time laughs in response to Luigi's question. "Wahaha! Of course not, we haven't done the most important part yet!" Waluigi Time steps over to a nearby wheel. "I'm contractually obligated to use this, but all of Bowser's options were boring so I replaced them with my own better options!" Closer inspection reveals that all of Bowser's potential calamities have been replaced with "FREE PARTY TIME CEREAL". "Gee, I wonder what I'm gonna get..." Luigi says sarcastically. Waluigi Time spins the wheel and it ends on... Free Party Time Cereal?! Wow! Who could've seen that coming! "Well would you look at that, you get free samples of Party Time Cereal! Hmm, your pockets seem kind of full though... Better fix that!"
Suddenly, a Golden Pipe flies out of Luigi's pocket and lands on the floor, shattering to pieces! Next comes a Boo Bell, which vanishes into thin air, and finally a Skeleton Key, which somehow grows wings and flies away. "Perfect! Now you can have your free samples," Waluigi Time says excitedly as Luigi's pockets are suddenly filled with free samples of Party Time Cereal. "B-but I needed those!!" Luigi says, distraught by the loss of his valuable items. Seeing an opportunity to shill, Waluigi Time turns to the camera. "You've seen it right here! In our thorough study, 100% of participants parted with some of their most valuable possessions to have more room to carry Party Time Cereal! It's just that good! You don't want to miss out on this, so get down to your nearest grocery store and buy some today!" Waluigi Time then turns to Luigi, still visibly upset. "Now get out of here, and tell your friends to step on more Bowser Spaces, okay?"
Party Time Cereal, the latest Waluigi Time Cereal Inc. product! Perfect for any social gathering that needs cereal! You can even bring it to your wedding if you want, we won't stop you.
"Wahaha! Eat this or else!"
|The 'Shroom: Issue 184|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • 'Shroomfest Highlights • Poll Chairperson Address|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing|