The 'Shroom:Issue 169/Fake News
April is here, and hopefully better weather is as well. For me, at least, it's still a bit cold at times, though it's nonetheless getting noticeably nicer outdoors and sometimes somewhat warmer.
Unfortunately, our team is slightly smaller this month. Monthly Inquisition, Peddler's Place, and The Odyssey of a Squid are all missing, but they'll most likely return in the next issue, so don't fret! In addition, we have a guest section of News Flush Chester Alan Arthur (talk) (more commonly referred to as Shoey), and as per usual you can go to the sign up page if you want to apply for Fake News or any other 'Shroom team.
Section of the Month
Newcomer Maximumriley (talk) managed to win first with 34 votes with his Dear Cappy section! In second place, my Dear Bowser section got 18 votes (Bowser would be very pleased) and in third place Quizmelon (talk) got 13 votes for his TV Tomorrow section. Congratulations to all our writers, and thanks to our voters for both reading and voting!
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
Sometimes we all just need a little hint to let us know that we're going in the right direction, but unfortunately the person who was most able to help us with that – Hint Toad – has died. Hint Toad's age was unknown, but it may have been like that because no one had actually bothered to ask and where instead interested in ways to defeat Bowser or where certain Power Moons were hidden.
What was also not known was why Hint Toad's parents decided to name him Hint Toad rather than a more normal Toad name like Russ T. or perhaps Kevin. Perhaps they had already decided for the young fungus that he would be destined to help others by giving them hints, although not outright telling them what to do.
Hint Toad's body was discovered burnt to a crisp in the deserts of the Sand Kingdom. Final reports are not yet in, but it's believed that he probably forgot to apply the necessary amounts of sunscreen before heading out to stand aimlessly in the sand, hoping that someone would ask him where a Power Moon was for 50 Coins. We attempted to reach Mario for comment, but he hung up on us after grumbling about having to pay the necessary fee and why the "greedy [word that shouldn't be printed]" wouldn't just tell him where the Power Moon was, considering he was trying to save a Princess and didn't have all day to be looking underneath every single cactus.
Toads who made up the Toad Brigade were devastated at the news that Hint Toad had died, mainly because none of them actually knew how to properly read a map and at least one of them would now have to study cartography. I'm told that Captain Toad himself – who died many issues back – would not be the Toad taking up lessons.
Hint Toad's funeral will be held in three weeks time, but an exact location and time have not yet been given. They have, however, been hinted at. In the Kingdom of snow and ice, nearly where the snowballs bounce, at a time that most early birds would find agreeable, though night owls may struggle.
Written by: Deep Shoe
My fellow readers, I believe I speak for all of us when I say 'Shroomfest is in trouble. When 'Shroomfest first started, it was a boon to this community, with two passionate attorneys arguing in front of an impartial judge with contributions from each side's many supporters. However, after reviewing the last few 'Shroomfests, one thing has become clear to me, and that thing is that the supposedly impartial judge, the honorable Ninja Squid, is anything less than impartial.
Over the months, I, as well as many of you have, found ourselves baffled by his rulings whether it be the case of Chickens vs Pigs where he ruled in favor of pigs based on "effort endorsements", or the current debacle of ruling that soup should be considered a hot beverage. A decision clearly crafted to bolster the chances of an option that was a clear minority. These rulings clearly show that NS is at best an out of touch man or at worst, somebody who's pushing his own agendas. Beyond that, we can look at the results before the infamous Super Arrow-Draq battle of 2021 where NS had a clear bias towards the right honorable counselor Roserade, ruling in favor of his side an astonishing 100% of the time. But after that split between the Super Arrow and Draq camps, NS has clearly allowed his biases against Super Arrow affect his decisions. To prove my point, let's look at NS's own words:
You fools! Letting an incompetent like Super Arrow the joy of victory will not be done without some form of retribution. -Ninja Squid when deciding to award team Warm Beverages, the bonus points of round 1.
Now, I am not just here to stack criticisms of the 'Shroomfest system. I am also here to propose reforms to the system. The way I see it there are three options:
- Ninja Squid steps down from the bench and we appoint a new judge.
- We expand the court to three judges allowing input on each round for each judge (or you could even do a judge for each round).
- We expand the court to three judges, but instead of it being the same three judges, we rotated judges in and out thus keeping constantly fresh perspectives.
'Shroomfests are important; they are a cornerstone of this community and are vital to keeping the populace feeling their voice is being felt. With this though, we have to make sure the correct decisions are being made. I've made my case as to why we need to take down the current courtroom clique that dominates 'Shroomfests. I believe that with some very simple common sense reforms we can make 'Shroomfests truly be what they were always supposed to be; a true representative of the people's will!
The Wrecking Ball with Whomper Thwompite
April XX, XXXX Nightly Report
Hello, this is the Wrecking Ball, and I am your host Whomper Thwompite. We are bringing you this show live from Buenos Aires to report recent developments in developments near and far. Tonight’s show has some killer news!
Tonight’s feature brings us to Rogueport, a favorite location of my colleague who runs the Real Estate Academy. While not residential construction, The Wrecking Ball has received news of several contracts which the Rogueport Port Service recently won in a bidding war with that firm in Neo Bowser City which stirred up trouble in last month’s program. These contracts will bring dozens of new jobs to the area and help revitalize the impoverished East Side, which has been subject to many harsh property taxes to generate revenue for the dying district.
The contracts are for several vessels, including several submarines, cargo ships, an aircraft carrier, and an old-fashioned wooden ship. A discovery of a forgotten ship by several divers swimming in Jolly Roger Bay inspired the vessel’s design. The Mushroom Kingdom Historical Society requested it as part of their Reenactment Division upgrades. I’ve always wanted to go swimming, but rocks are weak to water.
Lastly, the Rogueport Town Hall will undergo renovations starting in six months. The local government is soliciting designs from its citizens for a new clock tower and a public meeting room. Rumor has it that Don Pianta is underwriting the project, but for the sake of our careers, which none of us take for granite, we here at The Wrecking Ball heavily discourage all speculation on the matter. What we will speculate on, though, is the design of the public meeting room. Data collected by our Public Correspondence Intern suggests that the location will take after the Rogueport Sewers as residents feel, “it adds a historical touch,” as said by a masked Pianta.
Lastly, before we go, please do not forget that next month is The Wrecking Ball’s fundraising drive. We will be selling off add space to the highest bidders, so expect an excellent selection of infomercials, which brings us to tonight’s sponsor Rogueport Shipping Containers, “We don’t ask what’s in your storage. So don’t ask us what’s in ours.”
Well, folks, that is all we have for tonight. This has been Whomper Thwompite in the Wrecking Ball. Goodnight, Buenos Aires.
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Shroobs are Identified as an Invasive Species: Experts Disagree on Solution:
For the past week, the Mushroom Tribune has kept residents of Toad Town informed of the status of Shroobs, a species recently introduced to the Mushroom Kingdom and the world at large which have spread rapidly since their introduction. Experts believe that the Shroobs hitched a ride from elsewhere on ships, explaining how they were able to get into the Kingdom.
Since they've made their appearance in the kingdom, the Shroobs have shown no signs of struggling in their new environment. According to prominent biologists, they even appear to be thriving. Experts agree that the Shroobs are an invasive species, but conservationist groups, biologists, and wildlife management experts remain divided on what, if anything, should be done about the Shroobs. To help our readers understand these divisions, the Mushroom Tribune has asked two veteran reporters to weigh in with their thoughts.
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Written by: Maximumriley
My umbrella seems to be acting up lately. He's been ransacking my castle, grabbing any water I try to drink, and is overall just… naughty. Can you tell me how to take care of this umbrella?
Princess (Peach) Toadstool
One good thing that I suggest you start off with is to water your umbrella at least twice a day. That way he won't steal all your water. As for ransacking your castle, I feel like you should try to get the local wizard to zap the Vibe powers out of him. They essentially give him mood swings. If you can't find a wizard, see if your umbrella might like a tub of ice cream. It can be very comforting. Also, double check your fire extinguisher hasn't expired. Some umbrellas can become pyromaniacs.
Finally, it's possible that what's bothering your friend is that you refuse to recognize his true identity as a parasol.
Wish You Were Here
I seem to have gotten myself into a world known as Pufftop. Almost everything is under water. Can you recommend any fun activities I can do while trying to escape this seascape?
One activity that I might suggest is to make a home for yourself while you are here. After all, there's a lot of coral and wood in the ocean, which could be excellent buildings for an underwater castle.
Another thing that I'd suggest is to meet the locals. Apparently, there's this hero starfish. He's saved the world time and time again. He's also rather wealthy -- if you count sand dollars. You two have a lot in common.
Speaking of money, there's a potential business down there: seaweed mustaches. Think of all the sand dollars you'd earn selling your trademark nose and mustache to folks under the sea.
I seem to have a problem that requires your assistance. Bowser isn't including me in his army anymore. He says I'm "just too bland." Can you help me find a new look?
Wow! What a dilemma! For ways of seeming new and fresh, might I recommend a flag on the head? That look is all Captain Goomba needed to be captain, so how about you trying it? Another good option would be spikes on most areas, so that you seem tough while also seeming new. Mario couldn't possibly stomp you with that level of protection, so you'd surely be in the army again! You may even want to be bold and try dressing up as a strawberry! Hey, it worked for Pokeys and Bramballs, so why not a Galoomba?
Hope I helped!
Wah ha ha ha! What a wonderful response! I can't believe so many of you were dying to read my column, but here we are!
Clearly, your kingdom is in a much better state than Peach's. The Toads do nothing all day until something bad happens, then they scream and run around in circles. The Koopa Troop, on the other hand, is actually productive and makes things happen. So, what changes do you plan to make when you inevitably crush Mario and conquer the Mushroom Kingdom?
Dear Waluigi Time,
What an excellent question! My Koopa Troop is only as loyal and hard-working as it its because of my state of the art training - whatever crap Peach puts her Toads through, it clearly isn't effective! I'll make sure to reform her military, and perhaps require it at that!
What are your thoughts on the circulating rumors regarding the death of Mario?
I would be greatly insulted if anyone else was responsible for Mario's death! Thankfully, I know that that rumor is blatantly false. I make sure to use Kamek's magic to monitor Mario at all times, in case he launches a surprise attack, you know that it could happen, and I can inform you that he's currently sipping on some tea with Peach.
You haven't called home in a while, so I'm just writing to you to check in. I'm glad to hear that you have started to take your literacy skills more seriously by reading and writing letters to your new pen pals. It sounds like that princess girl has been a good influence on you. When will you next come to visit?
Dear Insesitive Imposer,
I'd like to inform you that granny Koops, lord Goomboss bless her soul, died in 19XX! You won't fool me, faker!
kek ur win strek against plumbr scrub is bottom frag. dude u shud try bhop at 30 tick thatll help or else mushroom kingdom alwayz votekick u since plumber scrub aces ur newb koopa team even if afk. doznt help that his bro does kill assist and gank rly gewd so hes srsbsns. im glad u dont mess w/ me cuz lok @ what dk did he gets headshot noscope all the time lmao but l2p plz
Dear Interesting Machine,
Man, these machines can write now! Awesome! I should use this advanced technology for my army!
Also, Mario, if you're reading this, don't try to attack me with these puny toys. I'll just step on them.
Hey Bowser, Scott here!
Hey, I wanted to know your secret to having an army. How do you maintain it? See, I'm asking because I want to have my own army of Madden '08 Fanboys. How do you start an army?
Hey all, Bowser here! My secret is simple: loyalty. My troops will never give up! I managed to foster such an army by gathering up masses of creatures promising them mushroom-filled lands! Unfortunately, "Madden '08 Fanboy" isn't exactly a large group to foster.
Your army is powerful, as is mine. I believe that with both of our armies combined, we can take over the world! How does that sound? Two armies can be a real pain in the fanny! Get back to me on this and I will come up with some plans.
Your future benevolent partner,
Dr. Ivo Robotnik
Dear Dr. Ivo Robotnik
Hello, my old chum! I believe we raced together in the Relay Race. You make a good runner! Unfortunately, you make a poor ruler. While I just clamored about using some machines, using only robots makes no sense. You just have no soul in your army. In addition, I plan to rule the mushroom kingdom, not the entire world. Get a grip!
Ignore that fool, for I am the REAL DR. EGGMAN! You can tell as I abandoned that "Robotnik" name eons ago! I have actually come here to take over the Mushroom Kingdom, and your Kingdom while I am at it. Please get back to me with your biggest weakness's so I can have the easiest time taking over your domain.
Your future mortal enemy,
Dr. "Ivo Robotnik" (EGGMAN)
What an empty threat! I could tell that you're letter is handwritten. The real Robotnik never using pen or paper! And whatever army you have, I'll CRUSH IT with my Koopa Troop!
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk) Welcome back to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament that mad scientists create crimes against nature to participate in! No, I'm not kidding. That's actually a thing. Is it ethical? Who cares! Anyway, we got some great suggestions after the last match, and it was a pretty tough choice, but we came to a final decision, so let's get into it, shall we?
Please welcome our first contestant... GOOMERANG BROTHER!
Before you all flee in terror and disgust, there's a bit of interesting history behind this one. Many years ago, Bowser came up with a terrible idea to fuse multiple creatures into one brand new minion. When you mix a Boomerang Bro. with a Goomba, you get, well, this thing. After Mario foiled his plan, the Goomerang Brothers were thought to be gone forever... Until now, when one was recreated by the fiendish mad scientist Professor Phineas J. Shoe for the sole purpose of entering and winning Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown! How do I know that last part? Well, the application form was very detailed.
So, by combining these two, you get both the skilled boomerang wielding of the Boomerang Bro. and the left and right walking abilities of the Goomba! Now I know what you're thinking, "Waluigi Time, can't Boomerang Bros. already walk left and right? That's stupid!". But when have you ever seen a Boomerang Bro. that's not constantly hopping around like it just consumed ten sugar packets? Yeah, that's what I thought.
So who will be battling this creation? It's someone those of you familiar with the wrestling world may know well. Give a big round of applause for the Feral Nuclear Reactor... RAWK HAWK!
That's right, it's the champion of the Glitz Pit himself! Although, technically he only became champion by default when the actual champion disappeared under mysterious circumstances, and then Mario entered the Glitz Pit and beat him, and then he retired so Rawk Hawk became champion by default again. So, not really that impressive after all, but hey, at least he's second best. He's giving me a really nasty look right now, but I trust Chuck to protect me even if he can't deal with Amazy Dayzees.
Anyway, let's talk a bit about Rawk Hawk's fighting style. He has quite the unique flair for a wrestler, specializing in aerial attacks! Aside from that though, a field researcher has described him as "meh". That's pretty much all I have to say.
So, who will win this match? Despite how much I poked fun at Rawk Hawk, my money's on him. Let's be honest, he's already faced ordinary Goombas and Boomerang Bros. in his conquest of the Glitz Pit before, so I don't see how this thing could do much better. But as always, let's get into the ring and see for ourselves, shall we?
We start the battle with a fantastic display of the Goomerang Brother's walking back and forth abilities as they walk towards Rawk Hawk! Wow! And Rawk Hawk is- jumping up and grabbing onto the ceiling?! Is that even allowed? You know what, sure, it's allowed, why not. He looks like he's trying to shake down some- WAH!
Hey. This is Chuck. Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown security. Waluigi Time just got hit on the head with a bucket and he's out cold so I'm taking over announcing. Anyway, Rawk Hawk just shook down some stuff from the ceiling. None of it hit Goomerang Brother though, just our announcer and I think a few spectators. Oh well. He's lucky he didn't hit me, or I'd climb in the ring and clobber him myself.
So now Goomerang Brother just threw a boomerang at Rawk Hawk, and because he's on the ceiling, he can't really dodge, so he just got knocked to the floor. He's fine though, he got back up. Now he's jumping in the air and diving towards Goomerang Brother. Cool, it's a direct hit. That's a knockout if I've ever seen one. Rawk Hawk wins.
I guess that's the end of the match, so... What? Rawk Hawk insists on a post-match interview? We don't usually do that, but... Well, okay.
Um, so Rawk Hawk, you just won. What do you have to say about that?
"Aw yeah! That freak felt the RAAAAAAWK!"
Okay, cool. Is there anything you want to say to the people at home?
"Hey Gonzales, if you're seeing this, I'm still waiting on that rematch! Come face the RAAAWK!"
That's nice. Anyway, that's it for our interview.
"What? Don't you want to hear more about the RAAA-"
No, not really. Anyway, that's it from us, thanks for tuning in. Oh yeah, if you have someone you want to see in the ring next month, send us your suggestions.
Also, if you think I'm a better announcer than Waluigi Time, let management know so I can do this more often. I think I'm pretty dynamic.
What is television? Yes, of course, it’s nationally broadcast media through home-based screens, but television is more than that. It has both a physical form and a metaphysical form, a spiritual form. Television is not just a thing, it is a state of being, always continuous, charged with divine energy, that controls your emotions and channels your deepest-held feelings. It is confusing, unexplainable, impossible - and yet at the same time wondrous, glorious, all-powerful. Through TV Tomorrow I hope to tap into your inside television through the outside television, and to improve your life with its mysterious power. Or, you know, just give you the best three shows of tomorrow. But what is tomorrow? We’ll get onto that later.
It’s the show that never ends, because it’s not designed to. But there is certainly an air of ‘end of an era’ emanating from MKBC’s longest-running soap and one of the most popular and enduring Mushroom Kingdom TV shows of all time. After over fifteen years portraying the character of Yellow Yoshi, Yellow Yoshi is retiring from the show and her character is being killed off accordingly, gruesomely hurled towards a glass window by an unseen assailant and giving rise to a murder mystery story arc. A worthy, if abrupt, tribute to a well-known character.
New: Bowser Jr.’s Clown Car Driving Academy
Koopa Troop TV, 7.30pm
Genre: Reality competition show
Like all of us, Bowser Jr. was horrified about the results of that survey revealing that only about 15% of evil underlings have passed their Clown Car driving exams. To combat this problem, and make a lot of money from ad revenue, Jr. has launched his own TV show. Twelve self-described incompetent clown car drivers will compete in a series of difficult driving challenges to test their proficiency and improve their clumsy clowning. It’s quite a rough-and-ready show, and one questions whether the challenges are designed to improve or humiliate, but it certainly makes for entertaining viewing.
Rosalina’s Sorcery Spectacular Live
Genre: Live magic show
After touring the country with her celestial magic act, the mysterious Rosalina finally brings her talents to a live television broadcast. Accompanied by music from the Luma Philharmonic Orchestra and a whole host of pyrotechnic stage effects, Rosalina plans to pull off miracle after miracle after miracle, including several never-before-seen tricks, all with a galactic theme. Is it sleight-of-hand and camera trickery? Is it genuine magic power? Regardless of how you feel about the veracity of Rosalina’s wizardry, it is nonetheless a wondrous evening spectacle.
So there we have a majestic triple whammy of the Spirit of Television Future. And all of it tomorrow! But as I asked earlier, what is tomorrow? Is it merely the day after today, or is it something more, something more abstract? The answer is the first one. It is the day after today. Turn on your television tomorrow and watch all three of these things. Too much whimsicality would be overwhelming. With that, I’ll sign off and see you in May for the next TV Tomorrow!
(...Ah, but what is May? ...It’s the next month. The one after this one. See you then.)
|The 'Shroom: Issue 169|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • 'Shroomfest Highlights|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing|
|Specials||Super Mario 3D World + Bowser's Fury Photo Contest • Ultimate Location Battle|