The 'Shroom:Issue 113/Fake News
Welcome to the Fake News! I'm MCD, as per usual, and first of all I'd like to say thanks for voting Fake News as your favourite sub-team yet again in the 'Shroom Awards! Also, thanks to everyone who's contributed to it over the year!
We have two new writers this month! - well, technically one new writer and one old writer: Lord Bowser (talk), who last wrote for us in 2014, is back to write the Police Blotter, and Alex95 (talk) will be writing the Sport Report! Congrats to both of you!
So, I hope you've all had a great summer! And although summer is drawing to an end, and autumn is slowly drawing near, just remember that in another four years it'll be back once again. Oh...wait, no, that's the Olympics...
...Yeah, I got nothing.
Section of the Month
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
|1st||Cooking Guide||26||43.33%||The Pyro Guy|
Wario, one of Team Mario's most "unlikely" athletes, has pulled out of the Rio 2016 Summer Olympics at the last minute, with multiple sources citing bad blood between him and Team Sonic member Dr. Eggman as his reason for doing so.
Wario has competed in every Olympic Games since Beijing 2008, the Games where real humans were controversially banned from competing, and the rules on anthropomorphic woodland creatures were relaxed. However, these Games are the first he has missed out on in eight years. Many fans who bought Wario flags have tragically been forced to turn them upside down.
Wario's decision to quit has come at the last minute - literally one minute before the Opening Ceremony began. Wario's departure was especially damaging to the Opening Ceremony, as he was an integral part of it. Many felt there was something missing without Wario standing and waving at the audience along with the other competitors. Many felt it was especially jarring to see Waluigi there without Wario standing next to him.
It is currently unknown what the beef is between Wario and Dr. Eggman. It has been suggested that Eggman called into question the validity of Wario's doctorate, which nobody seems to know how he obtained. He has previously claimed to have studied at the "University of Life". Wario has performed five operations in his life, each of which he has claimed to have "learned from".
Others claim the beef is about which of the two has the better moustache, though the obvious answer to this is "neither".
Others claim there has been a misunderstanding, and the beef is actually just pork.
Waluigi, who claims to be head of Team Mario, states "This is a travesty! Team Sonic are a bunch of cheaters!"
Dr. Eggman claims "I have never met this man before in my life who is he"
Wario was unavailable for comment, as he and the entire villa they gave him in the Olympic Village seem to have vanished.
"Tragedy", if you can really call it that, struck the Mushroom Kingdom earlier this month when a mangled Toad body was discovered off the side of a dirt road. A Koopa first saw the Toad two weeks ago, stumbling down the road due to him being distracted by Pokémon GO; he was reportedly trying to catch a Charmeleon. Not only did he catch the elusive Pokémon, he also caught sight of the gruesome scene. The Koopa, unwilling to reveal his name due him being a member of Team Instinct, said, "I was grossed out when I saw him there. I almost wanted to throw up, but I held it in cause I didn't want to get gross vomit all over my phone. I wonder what happened to him, and what team he was on... I mean, to make sure he wasn't on Team Instinct, of course... G-go Valor!"
Local police told me that they have informed the Toad's parents about the death of their son, but report that they seemingly took it all in stride. "It was kind of a bummer when we first found out," said the mother, who, along with her husband, was a member of Team Mystic, "but then we remembered that he was on Team Instinct. I mean, it's hard to forgive someone who joined Team Instinct." Similarly, the father commented, "He was catching Snorlaxes, Jynxes, and Poliwraths each and every day, while I was lucky to catch a Pikachu. Well, at least this way, there's one less person clogging up the servers."
Police have not named any prime suspects in the case, but have listed a few persons of interest. They include; the Toad's jealous girlfriend, who was once reported to have knocked him unconscious after he caught a higher-CP Marowak than she did; a Goomba, who was the former leader of a Team Valor gym, until his CP-1033 Magmar was quickly dethroned by the Toad's CP-1317 Vaporeon; a Lakitu, who the Toad refused to buy Pokecoins for after the Lakitu ran out of Poke Balls; ...and myself, "because he's Bowser," said the Deputy Sheriff. "I mean, this just seems like the kind of thing that he would do."
Ok, first of all, that is BLATANT profiling. Sure, I may have committed a few... minor... transgressions against the Mushroom Kingdom, but for you to have the nerve, the audacity, to suspect ME of such a brutal, violent crime... it's just pure, unaltered racism. I don't even play Pokémon GO, nor have I ever seen Jack in my life! Forget about the whole "DNA evidence", "eyewitnesses", and "blood on your fingers"; this is nothing but intolerance and discrimination from the INjustice system due to them holding grudges against me! I never did anything to Jack aside from a friendly claw swipe after he took over my gym! You really think I would arrange for my minions to hide the body after he didn't wake up from his nap?! That's just messed up!
Rant aside, the Toad's family arranged a quiet, private funeral for him, thought it was reported that only his dog showed up, and only to dig a hole and bury a bone nearby. He was buried in the Toad Town cemetery, in a makeshift plot in between two trashcans. His tombstone is pictured below.
Finally, that cheating Instinct scum is where he belongs... I mean, he will be missed, probably. Team Instinct has lost another member. Oh yeah, and his family did too, sorta.
This marks the end of this month's Police Blotter. Stay tuned for next month's edition, where I will explore the trial and the prison system of the Mushroom Kingdom, and how blatantly corrupt and discriminatory it is. See you then!
Greetings folks, and welcome back to Sport Report! I am your host, Alex95, here to give you the play-by-play of what is happening out there on the current sporting event in the Mario universe.
Today, we’re going old school and heading down to Luigi Raceway, were the racers are just lining up at the starting line. For the viewers out there, this track was first seen in Mario Kart 64, but you may have seen it again in the more recent Mario Kart 7. I know, the numbers are backwards, but whatever. Anyway, let’s head on down to the track and get things started!
Everyone is racing on 150cc Mushroom Cup Grand Prix, so expect some very fast races and very big collisions. We’ve decided to sponsor Luigi for this cup, so we’re going to be keeping an eye on him for most of the races. Ah, we’re just about ready to start. The racers have all lined up and Lakitu is counting down. 3… 2… GO! Luigi shoots out with a rocket boost, knocking into Yoshi who was directly in front of him making the green dino spin out! Not a good start for Yoshi. But Luigi has a great start here, he’s already in first! But Bowser is right on his tail! Luigi grabs an item aaaaand it’s a Banana Bunch! A great item to have for defense! Luigi goes for the first turn, but oh! Swerves too far and into the dirt! He makes a quick recovery and Donkey Kong runs into Luigi’s bananas, making the ape spin out! Bowser has taken the lead, but Luigi has taken the inner road, taking first once again! They enter the tunnel, so my view is a little obstructed here. Bowser emerges first, but Luigi is right behind him with a Fake Item Box! Will he be able to hit the King of the Koopas with it? Coming up onto the second large turn and Luigi has taken the lead once more, staying just ahead of Bowser, attempting to hit him. Luigi releases the box and, doh! Just missed! Looks like Bowser will be sticking around for a while longer! However, the Item Box appears to have hit someone in the midst of the action. Wasn’t quite watching that, so… Uh-huh… Yeah… Okay… Got word that I need to be keeping an eye on EVERYTHING, so I’m switching to the box mode… thing. The thing that loops around the screen when you press and it shows all the players’ positions? I don’t really know what that’s called, but I’m switching to it!
On to the second lap now and Luigi and Bowser both have an item and are bumping into each other! Wait, what’s this? They both got hit! Luigi spins out, still on the road, from Bowser’s Banana and Bowser crashes off into the field from Luigi’s Green Shell! Amazing! Neither appears to have lost any momentum as they make their way into the tunnel again. Luigi accidentally drives into a lone Banana, but quickly recovers as he drives in. Mario and Bowser are currently fighting for second place while Toad is bringing up the rear with his Star Power! Bowser spins out and Donkey Kong takes second out of nowhere, but soon spins out himself! Luigi comes out of the tunnel carrying a Green Shell while Mario quickly takes second… only to be overrun by the Koopa and the Kong again.
Entering the third and final lap and Luigi has a pretty sizeable lead here. He also switched out his Shell, firing it backwards, with a Banana Bunch. A few seconds later and boom! The Green Shell makes contact with Bowser! Slowed him down a bit as Donkey Kong and Mario overrun him, only for Mario to be bumped down to fourth again. Bowser’s Kart is just too fast! Like, really fast! …He, uh… He doesn’t have any extra Mushrooms on him, does he? Yoshi, who is in last place, gains Star Power, but it’s not enough to overtake Toad. Luigi comes out of the tunnel with Donkey Kong quickly coming up behind him! It’s the final stretch here, who’s going to win?! Luigi still has his Banana Bunch, but I can’t quite tell what Donkey Kong has. Coming up on the finish line here and Luigi and DK are neck-and-neck! But wait! Luigi pulls ahead just enough to smack DK with the Bananas! Oh, it was close but Luigi wins the race! Incredible! Amazing! “I’m-a Luigi, number one!” comes his victory cry! Our boy pulled it off! …What’s that? Oh, right, the scoreboard. Here it is folks!
- Luigi – 09
- D.K. – 06
- Bowser – 03
- Mario – 01
- Peach, Wario, Toad, Yoshi – 00
Thanks for tuning in guys! Everyone’s going to have their Karts checked-up, so I’ll see you in next month's "Sport Report" with the play-by-play on Moo Moo Meadows! Until then, this is Alex95 signing off! See you around!
Good evening from Mushroom Kingdom Broadcasting Channel 6, with your Weather Report for this week. We are looking at a front system that is moving in from the South that will bring high humidity for most of the week. We won't be getting any relief from this humidity until the weekend, so viewers are advised to keep their windows closed and their fans running.
Our biggest chance for severe weather will be on Tuesday, when the front is expected to stall out and thunderstorms will move in. Torrential rains may bring in some flooding of low areas, and driving conditions will be difficult. Be sure to tune in to stay up-to-date on any watches or warnings associated with these storms.
Friday will bring us slight chances for a shower as Princess Peach is expected at the ribbon-cutting ceremony for her new tea-shop. It will be the princess' last public appearance before she leaves for the Ultra Smash Tennis Tournament, and crowds are expected for the opening ceremony. Be sure to bring an umbrella with you.
For our special weather report of the month, we will be bringing you the week's forecast for the Ultra Smash Tennis Complex so fans can get a feel for the tournament before it begins. Additionally, we have also supplied the event schedule for the tournament week as well.
A front will be moving into the region Tuesday night, bringing very high temperatures that will continue into next week for the tournament, so please be safe and bring plenty of water to drink during the tournament.
- Welcome Ceremony, Meet-and-Greet with competitors
- Men's Singles
- Women's Singles
- Break day, athletes will meet with fans and press reporters
- Mixed Doubles
- Champions Tournament and Tennis Events
- Awards Ceremony
Quick pop quiz: What do you know about worms? Think carefully now and take your time. Are you ready for the answers? Okay, they're long, they burrow through the ground and they're commonly eaten by.... tomatoes. Why are you giving me those strange looks? I have not gone insane.
Worm.... honestly, you want me to go to print with that? Like no name or anything? I might as well just refer to future people as "he" or "that guy". I mean, come on, this is kind of stupid. Yes, I would like to keep my job. So, Worm was sadly eaten by tomatoes. I enquired a lot further into this and all reports agree that it was tomatoes, based on the fang marks left on the eventual body, I guess they got tired of him constantly burrowing through them.
Apparently Worm had complained to the local authorities about the death threats that he was receiving from the tomato community and he had been placed under police protection. He'd also had a police moving agent assist in moving his house elsewhere, although instead of just changing address his house was literally ripped from its foundations and planted somewhere else. This is likely how the tomatoes ended up finding him, his house looking exactly the same was probably a good tip-off for other tomatoes living in the area.
I tried contacting various other officials to ask about this untimely death, but unlike the coroners they were a lot less helpful. Most hung up on me, some called me crazy and one fellow said he was going to phone the local asylum if I didn't hang up immediately. Now if you'll excuse me I've just heard a knock at the door and I'll be right back. Yes, I am seriously writing an article about how a worm was murdered by tomatoes. No, I'm not insane. No, I'm not coming with you.
Yoshi876 was taken by local authorities to spend a month in a mental asylum given his recent outlandish claims that a worm was eaten by tomatoes.
Good day, everyone! I hope you've all recovered from the Awards Ceremony, and if you didn't attend it, then shame on you! Regardless, I will now proceed with my monthly shenanigans in this section.
|Statistic||As of 15 August 2016 (21:30)*|
|Posts in the Poll Committee Board since the new Poll Committee is in place||0|
|Weekly hours of work of a typical Mafia Hosts Guild member||-3|
|Spam Mails sent by the Forum Notification Bot (which supposedly works again now)||492|
|Number of new pieces of Information about Upcoming Mario Games||Which Upcoming Mario Games??|
|New Images on the Wiki||121|
|Out of these, Personal Images for people's Userpages that don't have anything to do with Mario||121|
|Old articles that users wrote in 2010 (or earlier), then look back at and realize how bad they were||almost all of them|
|People who want the :drosh: and :barkley: emoticons on the forums back||850|
|Minutes spent writing these Statistics||17|
And finally, as the only other thing of note that happened this month (aside from the rigged Awards Show like usual), our reporters have managed to log into a secret IRC channel used by our new director, RandomYoshi (here seen as 'Chiaki_Nanami'), and a bunch of other shady people. This is what they saw:
What a truly shocking prospe- wait, what am I doing there? Why didn't you tell me you wanted to use this excerpt? Goddamnit!
...uuuuh, anyways, I think that's about it for this month's section, I'm afraid there wasn't that much content this month but I'll be right back with an extra saucy section next month so look forward to that. Until then, see ya!
Welcome to another edition of TV Tomorrow, telling you what's on the box in the Mushroom Kingdom. As you probably already know, the Olympics have begun and there is plenty of coverage on that, with many channels modifying their schedules in an effort to cover every sport there is. More info on that below. Meanwhile, I have some other TV shows that you may enjoy, provided that you live in the Mushroom Kingdom (which is always a bonus).
Koopa Troop TV, 9pm
Genre: Game show
Bowser's hit game show returns for a fourth series. The contestants sitting in the infamous Chair of Doom today include Pom Pom, Kamek, and a red-clothed plumber who has asked to remain anonymous. If they fail one of the questions, there will be consequences... serious consequences... This award-winning show is likely to delight once again.
Genre: Comedy drama
Brand new on the MKBC scene is this wonderful comedy. When Propeller Mario, a slightly adventurous plumber, accidentally lands on a Buzzy Beetle, the hilarity is sure to ensue - and soon the pair of them are heading towards insanity on a mysterious and complex journey across the world. Confused? Probably. But believe me, once you watch this show you will suddenly realise what a hilarious laugh it is.
Literally every channel, literally every time of day
As I mentioned before, the Olympics are here. And because I don't want to pick out a single sport, I have three of the best:
Boxing: Donkey Kong is Team Mario's main representative, and he will make sure that he can bring glory back to the Mushroom Kingdom.
Beach Volleyball: Expect high jumps, lots of action and some of the most incredible skill you will see at the Games.
So, with some of the best shows postponed in the light of the largest sporting event in the world, there isn't much on the TV apart from sport. But don't worry - next month I'll be back again. And by then there'll be more than just the Olympics. Make sure to look out for that next month, but for now, goodbye.
Hello! Hello, everyone! Yes, yes, it’s great to be back after a brief hiatus that probably went unnoticed and most likely didn’t really need to be addressed. Please avoid that heinous group of corporate nut-jobs at all costs. I tried to send a picture of the whole team through the last section, but it unfortunately got intercepted, so, in order to prevent another abduction from happening again, this is the picture:
Super Mario 64…Again… (With Footnotes!1)
No, that’s not my own witty commentary on the quality of the game, that’s literally what it says on the box and how it says it.
Before I get to the actual core components of this game, I would like to compliment this game’s fantastic graphics. There’s just a massive improvement over the DS version of this game. Just look at them side by side:
The images are kind of small, but even still, you can clearly see the GIGANTIC improvements between the two. The DS’s graphics are pixelated and massy. Just look at Mario’s face! He looks like he’s trying to eat his own nose!
Now take a look at the Wii U graphics. Everything is nice and smooth. It’s just beautiful. A single tear is gently running down my soft, red cheek, it’s so gorgeous. It’s just…
Actually it’s not that good.
Six out of ten.
As you may have guessed, this game is a Wii U remake of the Nintendo 64 classic, Super Mario 64. And I must say, Nintendo has made some rather…interesting changes this time around. And by interesting, I mean bad. And by bad, I mean stupid. And by stupid, I mean horrible. And by horrible, I mean absolutely awful. And by absolutely awful, I mean JUST GRUESOME! AND BY JUST GRUESOME, I MEAN ok. But before I get to that, let’s list some good changes over the last two games.
- 241 ½ stars in all (not counting Grand Stars, Green Stars, Yoshi Stars, Bronze Stars, Eternal Stars, Invisible Stars, Shine Sprites, Ukiki Stars, Mega Stars, Ztars, or Super Spaghetti Stars)
- No more stupid caps
- Waluigi is unlockable! (but just Waluigi…)
- Parental controls to turn off the floating Mario head at the beginning
- and the eel
- and the piano
- and the chain chomp
- and the piano
- and the eel
- Amiibo compatibility (to get Amiibo Stars)
- The story is exactly the same, which is why I crossed it out in the header
- but more because I’m too lazy to do another section
Overall, these are some mighty fine changes Nintendo has made. Mighty fine indeed. The amount of stars in the game is just great. Unfortunately, a lot of them are just added to already existing missions, rather than the new ones that they’ve made, hence the nine out of ten.
Now that we’ve briefly touched on some of the cool stuff, we need to get into some of the dumber changes. You see, Super Mario 64 came out back in 1996, so Nintendo was concerned that it wouldn’t appeal to today’s demographic. So, they came up with the clever idea of “updating” the game for the children of today. Just look at the beautiful cover for the game up above after the section header (gee, whoever designed that cover must be some kind of genius). There’s even a smartphone in Mario’s hands!
So what can you do in this new “hip” version of Mario? Well, allow me to elaboratify the situation for you. So, Mario has a smartphone, and you can use it for several different things to aid Mario on his quest. You can go on to Google Maps to find your way around the courses, you can call an Uber driver to move around easier, you can order a pizza for health, you can even download Pokémon Go and play in game. [INSERT INCEPTION JOKE HERE] But by far, the weirdest thing they did in this new version is give Mario an Instagram account. Seriously.
This is not good. This is not good at all. You cannot just change a classic game like this. You just cannot. It is not natural. It is not natural at all. Bad change, bad change. No, no, no,no,nononononononononnnnononononoo.
Okay, so it’s not a great update, but there’s nothing forcing you to use the new features. It’s still the same game that you grew up with (or more likely heard about that one time from your older cousin but you’ve never played it because you’re seven) and you can still enjoy it time after time, this time with more than twice the stars! Also, there’s one more thing I didn’t mention. One super-secret thing that no one but me knows about. Are you ready? Here it is.
I know how you can unlock Luigi in Super Mario 64…Again…
Now before you get to excited, let me give you a list of things you need to do:
- Play through the game 63 times. On the 64th time:
- Get every star
- Get every coin
- Get a hundred lives
Pray to Satan
- After that, go to the courtyard
- You must run around the fountain in the middle 2,401 times without stopping
- Vote my article as the best in the poll down below
- Then wait until Mario falls asleep
- Luigi will jump out of the fountain and ground pound Mario! Congladuration! You can now play as Luigi!
- Remember, if it doesn’t work, it’s because you did something wrong, not because I gave you phony instructions. Try doing it all again!
So there you have it! The one and only way to unlock Luigi in SM64…A…! Still skeptical? I don’t blame you! I don’t even have a picture as proof. Or do I…?
There! Undeniable evidence! And you didn’t believe me! Sad!
Well, we sure have learned a lot today, haven’t we? We’ve learned never that Nintendo will never make anything good ever, we’ve learned that whoever designed the cover is incredibly handsome, and we’ve learned how to unlock Luigi. Swell! Indeed, indeed!
There’s nothing more to say really. It’s a big one, but not a good one
much like this article. Buy it if you want updated graphics and new content, but don’t if you don’t want to see Mario taking pictures of his spaghetti before he eats it. That’s it for now. Until next time!
1Actually, getting a little tired of the footnotes thing TBH
Heya everyone, and welcome to my fifth episode of Cooking Guide! During the holidays, I was presented with an angry Gordon Ramsey for writing this section. Now, he said to me that "saying that you can cook is like saying that your meals are edible". As a (self titled) master God Tier super chef deluxe, I took offence and challenged a local meal dealer to a little thing I like to call... a cooking competition.
That's also what everyone else calls it.
But I called it that first, ya hear me!
So with myself as director, we filmed a segment of our different talents and techniques to prove that I am at least better than somebody.
Yeah, I'd say I won.
|The 'Shroom: Issue 113|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner• Strategy Wing|
|Specials||Awards 2016 Art Contest Results|
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