The 'Shroom:Issue 150/Super Mario Odyssey Travel Guide
Super Mario Odyssey Travel GuideWritten by The 'Shroom Core Staff
Hello there dear readers of The 'Shroom! For this special celebratory issue, we have pulled together some of the best travel agents to write travel guides for the top tourist destinations around the world!
...That was a big mistake. Some of the agents spontaneously went missing after our request, and others only came in minutes before the presses were warmed up to print. Fortunately, the lost notes where recovered by locals and mailed to us, bringing you the Super Mario Odyssey Travel Guide! Enjoy!
Not to say that this town has no greater significance; it is frequently used as a holiday destination by royals, adventurers and hard drinkers alike. The combination of pubs, towers and lakes work together marvellously, and perhaps channel a pure essence of what it is to be the Cap Kingdom.
The locals are often very relaxed due to a guerrilla economy removing the need to hold a job due to automated production of airships for the global industry. Still, a lot of them have a good sense of honour- check out this guard. He was committed to being completely still, save for his eyes darting around to survey any approaching life. Goombas, Bonneters, me, we all got the stare.
After seeing the main sights of Bonneton, namely the bridges and boxes, I wanted to get 'out there' a little more. So, I hopped on an extravagant airship ferry, had a quick tour over the misty lakes surrounding this town, and stopped off in a more bustling suburb of Bonneton. I was informed of a protest happening in Southatton down the road, so I kept to the northern squares and started exploring this less-documented part of the town.
It's clear that these suburbs is where the real money is spent. With off-licences, pubs, family-run markets, and cutting edge fashion stops, I would recommend any tourist visit this place to make some real memories and grab unique souvenirs. The whimsical, almost crooked architecture ticks every single box for a romantic or platonic trip, especially considering the eternally-full moon and lightly twinkling stars.
The quality of the drinks here was sublime. Best apple juice I've ever tasted. The ice cubes were shaped like hats and everything. Masterful work by the drinkmasters. I spent a few hours sampling the various food services and drinks the streets had to offer before settling in a quirky pub and gathering information about the Kingdom's history from the locals.
After spending the evening with these fine chaps you can spot in the pub window- that's Fredora and Beannie there-, I'd like to say I retired to a nearby lodge to reflect and study the experience so far. However, I am perhaps happy to say that the night was far more exciting than that. On the way out of the bar I engaged in a thrilling political discussion with the gentlemen about the Cap Kingdom's monarchy, a slowly dwindling tradition in the modern world. Turns out there's a lot of drama surrounding the presence of royalty in this society!
We went out on what was described as a 'classic Cap Kingdom expedition', dancing through the streets and hunting for any spare coins. Judging from my current state, I suppose I ended up losing more coins to the streets than I gained. And my wallet. That's gone too. Fredora was kind enough to grant us special access to the interior of the famed Top-Hat Tower, through a secret entrance that I'm not able to recall at the moment. For the best, I assume- I don't want to be spreading secrets to the readers! The tower itself was a grand and spacious entity- it SCREAMED history. So much has gone down in this tower, from the appointment of the monarch to the trials and executions of legendary hat-witches.
However, accessibility was an issue here. Seems like the architects are deliberately oppressing those of a corporeal persuasion. Couldn't make my way past the first floor for the life of me. Still, the ground floor was a spectacle in of itself, housing tranquil pools, frogs and some grass. I said my goodbyes to my new ghostly friends and spent the rest of the adventure chilling with the frogs. They're a lot smarter than they're given credit for, as at some point in the night I caught one of them hopping off with my phone.
I really do hope you come visit this place- you won't regret it. Still, if you're looking for a less civilised way of life, then I would have to redirect you to something a bit more beastly. Perhaps the Cascade Kingdom?
Have you left it too late to book your holiday again, and as such Dinosaur Island is fully booked, and you have no ideas how you'll satisfy your wailing kids? Well look no further, as the Cascade Kingdom offers everything you could want, and more!
If you love waterfalls and old bones, then this is the perfect place for you, as this is all the kingdom has to offer! Gaze in awe as the water cascades over old dinosaur bones, and gaze in even more awe as there are still walking dinosaurs among us; although they're mostly asleep and should be left alone. The biggest draw to the Cascade Kingdom is the large waterfall over the Triceratops skeleton, so make sure you take plenty of pictures! If you're lucky, you might even be able to make out a rainbow, like the picture I took here. There's also a towering stone structure, that some speculate may have fallen to the kingdom, but don't worry, nothing has fallen here for centuries so you won't need a hard hat!
Do you sometimes feel like there are too many other people when you're on holiday? They're taking your spot on the sun lounger, or buying that tacky souvenir you had your eye on. Well worry not, there's literally no one else here. Mario scared off some evil bunny years ago, and no one has step foot in the kingdom since. However, the local wildlife like T-Rexes, Chain Chomps and Burrbos are highly dangerous and should be avoided at all cost. If you see any of them, run!
- The 'Shroom accepts no liability for any deaths or injuries that may happen to your family while on holiday. Any deaths should be reported immediately to Obituary writer Yoshi876, so he can poke fun at your expense.
Now, we know this sounds unlikely, but gazing at waterfalls and running for your life may get a little stale at some point, but worry not the Cascade Kingdom still offers one last trick up its sleeve. Yes, you can change yourself into an 8-bit caricature of yourself for endless hours of family enjoyment! You'll never look at each other in the same way again! Just avoid the Goombas and Koopa Troopas, they are still dangerous.
As the day gets on, we're sure you'll be wondering where you'll be able to sleep. Well, worry not, despite being abandoned there is still a Bonneton-style structure that you can sleep in. Or at least there was, until Mario made off with it to stop some wedding. Well, just bring a tent and make sure you sleep somewhere where the T-Rexes can't find you. You don't want to get eaten during the night, now do you? And worry not, you can still take souvenirs back, as the Cascade Kingdom isn't entirely abandoned. No, there is a small hat stand you can buy crazy costumes from! The currency here is shaped like stone wheels, and you'll be swimming through the waterfalls, dodging dinosaurs and climbing across ledges with bottomless pits to get them. Enjoy your holiday at the Cascade Kingdom!
- Please note, future expansions are coming to the Cascade Kingdom, which will involve a minecart going past the Triceratops skeleton. Do come enjoy this new attraction, debuting soon!
Hello, travelers! Welcome to the beautiful Sand Kingdom, home of the lovely Tostarena! We're all happy to show you around our wonderful sands - wonderful lands, that is. Of sands. As you can see, for once the town is big enough for the two of us, so there's no need to force your way in! Instead, head in and introduce yourself to the locals! They'll be happy to show you our native music and our beautiful architecture. Marvel at the multicolored buildings that no longer properly match the colors with each other! Buy our traditional dress in our hat shop that also sells full body outfits! Poke yourself on a cactus, as visitors here often do!
Disclaimer, we take no responsibility for cactus-related injuries.
When you've had enough of the sights of our lovely town, head out to the far reaches of the Sand Kingdom, and check out the massive ruins we've built over years and years! Sure, they were pre-designed ruins to help impress visitors, but does that compromise of artistic integrity really result in any long-term consequences? We believe it doesn't, so we've built all of this from the ground up. Really has that "left out in the sun for eons" feel, doesn't it? What a great display.
If you don't think the ruins themselves are impressive on their own, try talking to some of the locals! We brought the Goombas in from elsewhere, but they've really taken well to the local aesthetic, sometimes mugging the Tostarenas for their clothing. The Moe-Eyes, meanwhile, may look rather shy, but they're actually quite forceful whenever you attempt to tell them that they're not supposed to be there. We've lost more good men that way... but, we must move forward for their sakes. You might also see the Bullet Bill Blasters positioned in eye-catching and memorable locations, perfect for standing and watching in surprise until the bullet bill explodes in your face! What a wonderful experience, wouldn't you say? Absolutely worth the $4000 you spent on getting to this area!
Still not impressed, you say, surprisingly still alive? Well, that's what the legendary Inverted Pyramid is for! Yes, plenty of people have pyramids in this world. But are their pyramids upside-down and floating!? I think NOT! We even have a tiny 8-bit pipe on the side! I bet these other pyramids don't allow you to flatten yourself against the wall and feel yourself compressed into the you from forty years ago, now do they? Exactly. If that doesn't impress you, though, I'm happy to take you up there and give you a firsthand look over the edge. Really get a sense of the height, the magnificence, why this is such a place worth visiting!
That's a good introduction to the Sand Kingdom, I'd say. With all that, I'm sure you're ready to join us for the best trip of your life!
...You want to look at the other Kingdoms instead?
Once you finally realize that the actual interest in this soggy place is hiding behind a wall, you can go forth and shop as freely as you intended. The Water Plaza calls for you, but like the intention of the Sirens that populate this place, it beckons you to drown underwater. The level of inaccessibility does have a silver-lining, in that it elevates the exclusivity of the fashion available here, but violations of the ADA should not be a factor of value! You’re this far already, though, so plug your nose and dive in. Soon enough, as expected, you’ll find that the thin veneer of prestige and taste are nothing more than the illusions of a PR firm that was worth the buck spent. Abandoned mall fans rejoice, as the structure surrounding the dome is collapsed and dangerous, with detritus spewn about and miscreants loitering. Most of the shops are vacant and closed, leaving nothing but some bars and empty flooring. One shop remains, and only offers a limited selection of wedding dresses.
Editor's Note: The following is a transcription of entries recovered from a diary originally found in the Wooded Kingdom's Deep Woods. The Tourism Board of the Steam Gardens publishes the information without comment.
Travel Log: Day One
Today, I found myself in a land unknown to me. This land is filled with strange inhabitants, autonomous machines with advanced AI. They refer to themselves as Steam Gardeners, and they implore me to engage in commerce, to enjoy the land's flora, and to approach with any inquiries. They are peculiar creatures, but they have thus far proven benign. They are far from the most puzzling aspects of this land, however. This land, which the Steam Gardeners refer to as the Wooded Kingdom, is indeed a lush one. The trees, flowers, and streams here are pure and untarnished, free to grow to a magnificent state with no comparison. Yet this is no kingdom of nature. Much of this land is dominated by what appears to be massive industrial machinery. I have inquired about its history with the Steam Gardeners, but they offer no answers, showing more concern for the kingdom's wildlife than its history. I see two towers in the distance, rising far above the landscape. Though the path does not appear to be an easy one, it does appear possible to climb to the top of these towers by following a path on this long-dormant machinery. I do not expect a simple trip, but I shall soon endeavor to climb this Iron Road ahead of me and reach the tower's tops.
Travel Log: Day Thirteen
Finally, I near the entrance to the first tower. On my route up the Iron Road, I have found that not all of the machinery is as dormant as I first assessed it to be. Many of the smaller components remain functional, including multiple moving platforms, gates and levers, and even remarkable switches which conjure an ethereal but corporeal path of flowers through the air. I have also had encounters with strange beasts, creatures which I am unable to classify as flora or fauna for the simple reason that they possess the bodies of plants but the mobility of animals. These creatures, which a lone Steam Gardener who had ventured deep into the Iron Road referred to as Uproots, emerge from the ground with what appears to be a protective shell in the shape of an overturned flowerpot. They are hostile to outsiders, and they possess an unrivaled ability to stretch their legs and rise high up into the air. I have seen numerous nuts growing high upon the walls of this kingdom's Iron Road and its trees. I wonder if the Uproots have perhaps evolved to take advantage of these nuts as a food resource. Such mysteries must wait, though, as my priority remains investigating the top of this kingdom's towers.
Travel Log: Day Sixteen
I have reached the top of the first tower, the one removed from the Iron Road proper and lower in elevation. While I strive to remain dispassionate in my recordings, I admit that I did not enter with the proper emotional preparation for this adventure. What I found at the top of the tower has moved me to tears. A beautiful bed of flowers, a field of pure whites and greens more majestic than any painting or landscape photograph I have ever before seen. I felt overcome with a great sense of peace, settling down for a nap among the flowers. If this tower provides habitat for such a treasured and heavenly resource, I can only imagine what might await me in the kingdom's highest tower, the point in the kingdom most difficult to access. I recall from my earlier conversations with the Steam Gardeners rumours of a Secret Flower Field, one unrivaled by even the most magnificent of the world's gardens. Tomorrow, I shall set out to see this Secret Flower Field. I must see this field for myself, I must!
Travel Log: Day Eighteen
As I set out to continue along the Iron Road towards the second tower and its Secret Flower Field, woe befell me. From the first tower's top, I slipped and fell over the railings, plummeting into the mists far below the Wooded Kingdom. I assumed in that moment that my explorations had come to a permanent end, but hours later, I awoke to my own great surprise. I have found myself in a dark and mysterious world, the sky completely obscured by the branches and leaves of truly massive trees. Inspecting these trees, I am forced to conclude that they are ancient beings, having started growing long ago. I spent some time in awe of this wondrous long-undisturbed and pristine land of nature's past, a land which I have termed the Wooded Kingdom's Deep Woods, but, only a short time ago, I discovered to my horror that the trees and flora are not the only ancient beasts which live in the Deep Woods. A Tyrannosaurus Rex wanders about these woods, its senses unhampered by the darkness. It was not long ago that the beast detected my presence, and I was forced to flee. The beast, I fear, remains in pursuit, however. Unless I am able to find an escape, I fear I am not long for this world. If only… Had I only been able to glimpse the Secret Flower Garden, I might have peace… I leave this log of my experiences behind in hopes that it will inspire future generations to explore the mysteries of the Wooded Kingdom. Do not repeat my mistakes, and finish that which I was unable to do. Conquer the Iron Road and see for your own eyes the Secret Flower Garden. This is my one and final hope for the peoples of the future.
On your odyssey to the Metro Kingdom, you just can't skip a quick visit to the Cloud Kingdom!
Whether it is to fight big dapper creatures or to do a puzzle, this is the place to recharge from your long journeys!
The main attraction of the kingdom is of course, the one and only Nimbus Arena! Not to be confused with Cirrus Area, which can be found north, but not visited.
Nimbus Arena has eight large terraces with a moon theme, very well suited because we are in the clouds, and never have our sight of the moon obscured by clouds!
Each of the terraces has special theming for about an eighth of a month. For example, one is themed after the waxing crescent moon for a few days, while another is themed after the waning gibbous. It is said that if you pound the ground on the waning crescent themed terrace during its events, you can get yourself a moon souvenir!
A must-see is the puzzle area, easily accessible by the Warp Pipe in the very center of Nimbus Arena! The game at show here is Picture Match, where you match puzzle pieces to recreate the world famous Mario! Hm? What is th– oh, err I heard you should actually create the world infamous Goomba here… Well, same thing right? Come on in and play!
Our visitors have left the following reviews!
- “I came back here because I wanted to take a nap among the clouds.”
- —Princess Peach
- “I can see the Forgotten Isle from here!”
- —Toad wearing a beret
- “I didn't get points for Goombario!”
- “The temperature is nice.”
- —Uncle amiibo
- “The moon is a nice touch, 10/10 would visit again.”
- —Beige rabbit
So before you continue your journey or fall down on purple islands, pay us a visit! For a limited time only, parking is free! See you soon!
- Lounging in the park while watching the birds…
- ...sipping cappuccino and browsing the web at a picturesque rooftop café…
- ...awakening your inner speed demon at the RC car racetrack...
All these things you can enjoy in New Donk City, Metro Kingdom’s finest tourist attraction. Truly, one of the greatest places you could ever find yourself at.
You may wonder: What point is there in spending your vacation anywhere else? As do we.
Luckily for us, you won’t have a choice.
Welcome to the Lost Kingdom, or as the locals refer to it, the Cockblock Crock of Suck. A rubbery hellscape located smack-dab in that poisonous ocean that makes the fair mayor of New Donk erupt in a cold sweat every time someone asks her where her power plant dumps its waste products.
Between the humid, unbearable tropical heat, lack of food and resources, and several hundred square miles of highly toxic, mutagenic sludge, we will be sure to provide you with an experience that erodes both your body and spirit.
Just drop in for a visit
Your exciting vacation escalation will begin as soon as we set our scopes on you. Meet our very own fleet of high performance airships, equipped with deadly cannons that lock on to and open fire on any air crafts passing over our resort, especially those bound for more "enjoyable" holiday destinations. You will be given a warm welcome, very warm indeed, as a searing ball of fire will rip your plane apart, as the soon following explosion sends you plummeting down in a cloud of burning smoke, shrapnel, and your own tears (and possibly other fluids that may have been released as a response of your sudden aerial combustion).
If the explosion or the impact with the ground doesn’t do you in, this is where the fun begins. Please be sure to refer to your Lost Kingdom Complementary Hard-Cover Brochure™ (which the cannon will also fire at you) for helpful tips, like how to use lost fern and poison dirt to cauterize wounds and fashion a tourniquet for treating your debilitatingly painful injuries.
The true survival experience
Once you’re on the island and grown accustomed and/or jaded to your broken bones and charred skin, you will soon be stunned by the environmental beauty, especially the fact that there is no clean water and all the plant life is made of rubber and completely inedible. As the wave of intense emotion hits you, do make sure to not cry too much, for staying hydrated will prove vital to your continued survival.
This paradise of peril will be your chance to leave your pampered city life behind and become a true master of the wilderness. You will learn many useful skills, such as sucking slimy moisture out of out of wriggly rainbow grubs that populate the area, surviving harrowing death battles with the violent, explosive, and fiercely territorial wildlife, and realizing that a true savant of the wild sleeps under the open sky (because if you TRY putting up a tent, the local condor will just tear it down and fly off with it). You will truly connect with your cave-dwelling ancestors as you leave behind the shackles of central heating, modern medicine, and toilet paper.
A taste of civilization
However, if you ever do feel your mind slipping from isolation and you catch yourself weighing the pros and cons of starting an intimate relationship with your own shoes, fret not! There are options for the intellectually and socially starved. If you climb up to the summit of the island (it is advised to do this BEFORE you become too weak and exhausted from starvation, as it requires wall jumping), you will find our lovely souvenir shop. There you will be able to socialize with Earth's (?) finest creatures: Toads! Let their angelic voices lull your weary mind into a state of deep relaxation, as only the sound of a porcupine scraping against sandpaper can! While you're here, consider buying a flight suit that is way too hot for the sweltering climate.
For the hungry traveller looking for a truly unique and immersive wild island experience, note that Toads are basically walking mushrooms, extremely wimpy and incompetent, and will most likely not put up much of a fight even against a famished rover who hasn't showered in weeks. Plus, there's so many of them that nobody would really notice if one or two just... wound up missing. Consider this: Buying a plastic souvenir palm tree may last you for a while, but horrifying existential guilt will stay with you forever.
The Lost Kingdom. For there is no better way to appreciate home
Have we piqued your interest? Yeah, I highly doubt it. But as you move on to the section on the oh so great Metro Kingdom, keep this in the back of your mind: Before you can spend a relaxing vacation at a spot of your choice, you first have to get there.
Good luck. :D
Are you a fan of the bustling city life, with opportunities brimming out of every avenue? Do you aspire to be a famous musician, politician, performer, or any other occupation someday? Would you like to work in developing more ways to rev up that Power Moon revenue? Then New Donk City is the place for you!
Smacked square in the middle of the Metro Kingdom, New Donk City is seen as the event hub of the Kingdom. Advised by the wonderful Mayor Pauline, the city has grown from a smaller urban development, into a sprawling paradise for anybody looking to make it big. Considered to be the most famous of any of the cities in the Metro Kingdom, talent hunters and monopoly-makers are bound to walk beside you on the sunny sidewalks. Sporting a strong twenty-seven degrees Celsius and a countless number of commuters, New Donk City really is the urban dream.
In the north, you are likely to see the New Donk City Hall from any spot in the city. Being the largest building in New Donk has made it the most memorable, especially for tourists. Tours are commonly held for the Hall, occasionally hosted by Mayor Pauline herself. Inside is a slew of jazz performance and political discussion, with each level of the building sporting a different function. Each tour will cost roughly three hundred coins, but it’s all worth it to learn about such a historical locale.
Speaking of historical locale, New Donk City is home to the origins of most of your favorite companies! The Crazy Cap, Expresso Espresso and its fierce competitor Moonbucks Coffee, and Harold’s Engine and RC Development (HEaRD) all began business here in New Donk. The city council is always looking for fresh new ideas to sponsor, which is perhaps why it feels as though New Donk is always under construction. Not that this is a complaint, of course! New Donkers were polled on how they enjoyed the environment, and around 83% of New Donkers said they really enjoyed seeing constant new ideas and buildings appearing around town.
But if one is to discuss New Donk City, you would be mistaken to not mention the New Donk City Festival! Yearly, a gigantic festival is held for several days in New Donk, featuring bright lights, upcoming stars, and even Mayor Pauline singing her classic tune, “Jump Up, Super Star!” Toad Monthly named the New Donk City Festival as the Best Event to Experience in the World in 2017, and its spectacle only grows more every year. Is it highly recommended to see which dates and falls upon this year, and that you plan your stay in New Donk accordingly, if you are only visiting.
As for housing, New Donk’s apartment complexes are tall, grand, and cheap, only at about eleven thousand coins per month! If you are of lower income, don’t fret! The streets are a perfectly safe, pleasant alternative, especially with all of the street performers whom you’ll encounter! Everybody is so helpful and nice in New Donk City that anybody is likely to give you a financial hand!
With all of this information in your hands, the question is now to you, Super Star: will you head the call of the greatest city in the world?
If where you are is too hot to handle, boy have I got news for you. Book a trip to Shiveria today, to see the beauty this winter wonderland has to offer! Shiveria is home to many different species of creatures to toss your cap at, and it's a cold place with a toasty warm heart.
The biggest appeal of Shiveria is the racing scene. You'll find locals from all over taking part in the rolling races, where they use their round bodies to roll and bound down a slippery racetrack for competition. Keep yourself within the boundaries and chain together bounds with good timing to increase your speed and keep ahead of your competitors. If doing the racing is not your style, you can join the crowds and cheer for the racers, who come from many different guilds around town. Tasty prizes await those who place high in the standings!
Another draw of Shiveria is their talent for baking. Tasty frosted treats such as donuts and cakes are baked daily, and bakeries often compete with each other to see who can make the grandest cakes for the winning racers from the rolling races. Layers of fluffy homemade cake are covered in perfectly blended frosting, then covered in cute decorations like sugar snowflakes or sparkly sprinkles. Shiveria is also the number one place to order your grandiose wedding cake, as attested by King Bowser recently stealing a cake made for the races for his own "wedding" to Princess Peach a few years ago. Pro tip: just order a wedding cake. If you mess with the cake made for the races, it's an easy way to be put on a cake blacklist for the next few years.
Shiveria's harsh winter climate outside may be a deterrent to some, but those who read their Travel Guide know that the best place to last out a winter storm is in the center of Shiveria's carefully crafted town. Thick walls keep the wind and snow out and the warmth in. Enjoy the races in comfort as you watch right from your hotel. Shop the local stores for artisan goods and exclusive clothing that will keep you warm and stylish if you decide to brace the elements outside. If you're feeling cheeky, try a fresh sno-cone from the vendors- freshly fallen snow and shaved ice makes this a unique treat, flavored with ice-cold syrups made fresh from the icy waters outside.
If you're looking for adventure and that snow is just too inviting, Shiveria has you covered: winter gear will help keep you warm while you're trekking through the powder outside, and a stylish winter cap is the perfect accessory. While you may venture into the snow and ice, it's recommended that you stay out of the water: the freezing temperatures will drop your health and freeze you solid. High winds are also a big risk, as they could blow you off higher areas into the frigid waters below. Catch one of these cloudy beasts, however, and you can float around and blow enemies off their perches.
Do the fruit peddlers of Isle Delfino tire you? Who out there wishes to have their vacation interrupted by undesirable solicitors? No matter where you go on that dolphin-shaped Island, there always seems to be some tourist trap designed to sap away your time and money. But far too many return to an experience more draining that it is refreshing year after year, ignorant of a land which offers superior sights without the overbearingness of fish markets and amusement parks. It is a shameful sight indeed, but worry no more! Today, we introduce to you the seaside paradise that is Bubblaine! Known in international circles as the Seaside Kingdom, Bubblaine is a sun-drenched slice of heaven on the globe, a destination for relaxation of mind, body, and soul with a little something for everyone.
Amenities for All Kinds
All visitors to the Seaside Kingdom are highly encouraged to stay in our luxurious beach houses for the duration of their vacation. Located close to our most popular amenities, our beach houses are perfectly suited for both socialites and those who prefer a more solitary vacation. Watch the sunset under the shade of a beach chair, rise and shine early in the day to meet and greet your fellow visitors from around the world, or fit in your daily exercise with a game of beach volleyball! Might we recommend a long walk on the beach with your favorite pooch, also? Your furry friends are as welcome as our facilities as you are, and make for a perfect companion combing the beach for coins and the kingdom's prized golden crabs.
The Creatures of the Sea
On the topic of wildlife, the warm carbonated waters of the Seaside Kingdom sustain a variety of species unlike those found anywhere else in the world. Above the waves, in clear sight from the edge of the beach, Gushen litter the horizon. You may find it difficult to snap a picture of these fast-moving creatures when they blast off with a jet of water, but the memory of the sight of this amazing adaptation will, regardless, not soon leave your head. For the more adventurous among you, a deep dive into the ocean will reveal Cheep-Cheeps and Komboos living in picturesque submerged landscapes. Komboo are easily startled, but the dazzling colors of a collection of these kelp-like creatures is a sight unlike any other.
A Transcendent View
After exploring both sand and sea, your vacation experience will be completed by the view of the Seaside Kingdom's world-renowned Glass Tower. Filled with Sparkle Water, a product of the carbonated sea, the Glass Tower is visible from any corner of the kingdom and is beautifully framed by the four fountains which supply a constant stream of seawater to keep the Glass Tower topped off. The view of the four fountains arcing high in the sky and meeting above the Glass Tower, silhouetted in front of the setting sun, will melt away your troubles, whether you view it from a chair on the beach, from the top of the kingdom's lighthouse, from the edge of the hot springs, or even from high up above on the cliffside.
For those of you looking for a vacation experience unlike any other, one which will truly relax you and accommodate your needs and desires whatever they might be, book your tickets to Bubblaine today!
After depleting their treasury, I have severed my sponsorship with the N.A.G.S. because I can’t support a group of people who look for things to complain about. Moving on to Luncheon Kingdom, I am here to perform a health inspection of Peronza Plaza to make sure that the high standards of distinction and excellency that are prevalent throughout this kingdom are being maintained and to look for things to complain about. My report here will be in the first person present tense as I believe it should be known what the quality of this location is before people plan on visiting, but do note that a formal write-up has already been sent to the Charcuterie Board of Directors, the governing body charged with overseeing this process.
Right away I can see that there’s food left sitting out, on the ground of all places, right near the entrance of this place. It’s right in the case of cheese, which is recommended to be brought up to room temperature for the best flavor, but lobbing it onto a pile of salt, also on the ground, just ruins everything. All products should be stored elevated off the ground as to prevent infestation and water damage. Aside from that, it's just not a very pleasant aroma, and having it wafting around right by the entrance isn't exactly going to lure people in a la fresh backed pies in retro cartoons.
Speaking of salt, it appears to be just heaved into a pile all over the place. It’s not a grape stomp, so there’s no reason for there to be footprints on it, which is a visible manifestation of what proper handling and storage procedures are meant to prevent, and that this salt is no longer fit to be served. This could be from some very large rats you have, here. They’re my footprints, you say? Five more points off your score!
More food sitting on the ground, way too much thawing all at once. I’m recognizing a theme here. I expect you’re going to rinse this all off and use it within the next few hours and not refreeze it, right? It already looks blocky, shriveled, and freezer burnt now so I suspect the deed has already been done. Absolutely none of this is fit to be served, and I’m pretty sure that dude jumping around like crazy is due to rapid onset explosive diarrhea.
Forgive me for not being too familiar with your species, but you’re forks, right? So your prongs are actually your limbs, as the outside ones appear to be hands, it’s safe to say the middle ones are your unprotected bare feet, just standing right on top of the pile of salt you’re putting in your stew. I guess that’s one way to incorporate a pungent soft cheese essence, as I can assume your hygiene resembles your food maintenance, but I cannot recommend that this soup is served beyond personal consumption. I applaud the fashionable hat, though, as I can tell it’s a choice and not a requirement as there’s no hair for it to hold back.
I can’t say that I’m a fan of their hibachi experience. Corners were cut hard, removing the cooks from the entertainment culinary event, and just training the food to cook themselves. Who’d’ve thunk that granting sentience to overgrown fruits and giving them access to high heat devices would spell trouble? I didn’t think this would have to be written in the guidelines, but the wonders never cease.
I will be taking a vacation to recover from my GRIEVOUS injuries. In Seaside, as intended.
Come one, come all! Toadfolk and Koopas alike, any person, big or small! Gather round! I am a hailer from the grand Kingdom of Crumbleden, an incredible, marvelous land full of riches and modern enhances! A land where we have been able to harness electricity from the sky itself, where the castles stand proudly over all who view upon it, where the Crumblians can live in harmonious comfort and festivity, where--
What in the Great Star Spirits happened here?!
… Ah hah, I mean, yes, welcome to Crumbleden! Magnificent, isn’t it? It’s not as if I was in the Cascade Kingdom for the last ten years or anything, I expected this fully! Yes, this is the beautiful Kingdom of Crumbleden! Do mind the stairs, and the fog, and the falling debris…
Sheesh, when did these swords get here…
Ahem! Not many residents of other Kingdoms are aware of Crumbleden’s presence in the world, due to its seclusion. We’ve always been a more prestigious bunch, but rest assured that the residents here would accept you with open arms, if you were to stay. Our Kingdom is well-known for its absolutely impervious building design, and strong protection against intruders! In fact, in my time in Crumbleden, I have never seen a single building collapse! While it’s awfully foggy right now, I promise you that the sky really is a delight at night, with all of the twinkling stars and Power Moons… You may still want to wear a jacket, though. It can get awfully brisk.
If you look in front of you, you’ll find yourself gazing upon the Crumbleden Spire, a tower in which lighting was brought down with arcane magic, energizing the rest of the Kingdom with its intensity. It’s said that, hundreds of years ago, Magikoopas first began training here due to its electric energy! Of course, it’s rather hard to tell that now…
But that’s not all of the secrets Crumbleden holds, oh no! Thousands of years ago, the first dragon in existence hatched from an egg, which had mysteriously appeared overnight. From there, dragons became a regularity in the Kingdom of Crumbleden, until the Great Dragon War, in which the ruler, His Honorable Shroommidge III, used fear mongering to turn the residents against the dragons, when in actuality recent attacks on the Kingdom had been done by the Mushroom Kingdom people. Regardless, all of the dragons were eliminated in the war, and none more exist in the world to this--
OH SWEET MERCIFUL STAR ROAD!!
*knock knock knock*
yawn... what is it...
???: Hello, Mr. Bowser! We're with the Mushroom Kingdom Homeowner's Association, here to check out your humble abode. Care to give us a tour?
LB: (mumbling) it's 6am... i'm trying to sleep...
HOA: You can? Great! Allow us to get comfortable, if you please?
LB: (angry mumbling) hey what the hell get out
*The HOA committee sets up, ignoring LB's protests*
HOA: Alright, so! Our first note is that it's quite difficult for people to get here. Building on a bunch of floating islands certainly isn't very welcoming now, is it? One of our residents have also complained about the colorful fog blocking their view of the Ruined Kingdom from their second-floor bedroom window.
LB: why should i care-
HOA: We've also noticed your pets, the Stairface Ogres? We've gotten many complaints from our residents about them being too loud, too large, and one of them getting within 5 feet of their lawn! That's not so neighborly now, is it?
LB: what... hey wait i never joined a homeowner's association what the hell-
HOA: Now Mr. Bowser, it's our understanding that you've lived here since before the Homeowner's Association was founded. That's alright! There's a lot of new rules that you might not have even heard of. We're here to help yo-
LB: alright hold up, you can't just barge into m-
HOA: Please don't interrupt.
LB: (shouting) this is MY OWN HOU-
HOA: We're here to help you properly integrate and cooperate with your fellow neighbors, so you can help us maintain a friendly and peaceful neighborhood for everyone. We came here to inform you of the violations of the HOA agreement currently on your property. Do you have any questions?
LB: uh, yes, can you go fu-
HOA: No? Then let's get into it some more.
Decorative statues must be no more than 3 feet tall, and must be made out of granite, marble, or limestone, according to Section 8 of Article 3 of the Mushroom Kingdom Homeowner's Assocation Official Membership Agreement. Your current statues are 3 feet 2 inches, and are made of andesite. You will need to remove them from public view, or face a fine of 1000 coins per statue.
Section 1 of Article 2 states that homeowners are not allowed to run a business on their property. We also note that you do not have an official business permit from New Donk City Council. You will need to shut down your business or else face a fine of 5000 coins. We will also have to report this illegal business to New Donk City Council.
HOA: Now that we have laid out our jurisdiction's grievances against your property, we calculate your total fines to be... 21,500 coins.
LB: WHAT THE FUCK I'M NOT PAY-
HOA: As per our guidelines, you are required to pay all fines and remedy all violations within 90 days, or we will begin foreclosure proceedings. Do you understand these terms, Mr. Bowser?
LB: You think you can barge into my fucking house at ungodly hours of the morning, try to whore me out of my money, and threaten to take it away?! I'm not even IN your HOA circlejerk! Get the hell out of my house before I make you get out!
HOA: Mr. Bowser, please calm down. Excessive yelling carries a 300 coin fine.
LB: AND IT'S LORD BOWSER, FOR GOD'S SAKE!
HOA: Mr. Bowser, we understand you're upset. We get it, no one likes to pay fines. That's totally understandable! But we need you to comply with these guidelines, to keep all of our property values up. Your payments will go back to the community, into our rainy day fund.
LB: Hold on, what are you writin-- are you writing a newspaper article on me???
HOA: This is for our community newspaper, The 'Shroom! We provide updates on the daily lives of our residents, as well as news regarding the HOA itself. Would you like a free copy of the latest i-
LB: Are you trying to slander me in your godforsaken tabloid?!
HOA: No no no, Mr. Bowser. Slander is spoken; in print, it's libel.
LB: ALRIGHT ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT
*LB breathes fire and incinerates the HOA committee*
LB: Now get the fuck out of my house and never come back!
*LB kicks out the committee and slams the door shut behind them*
HOA: Ash and smoke damage... that's gonna be another 2000 coin fine. Some people, huh? Oh well. Got a meeting at Honeylune at 9 AM, better get going.
Want to get away from the worries of Earth for while? Eager to learn what it's like to be under less gravity? Or perhaps you've captured some poor sap and are trying to get as far away from your mortal enemy as possible so you can forcibly marry your hostage? If you said "yes" to any of these questions, then you've come to the right orbiting satellite!
Welcome to the Moon!
Hello! I'm a disembodied voice, and welcome to our presentation. Here at Lovely Rabbits Inc., we're dedicated to helping you go on the vacation of your dreams. And whether it's a wedding, a honeymoon, it's just a simple vacation, we say there's no better place to go than the great Moon Kingdom in the sky! Sure, there might be some nice places on Earth you could visit, but how many chances will you get to leave the boundaries of your home planet and just chill out on the literal moon? Many, if we have anything to say about it! Please allow us to take just a few minutes of your time to talk about your perfect vacation.
Traveling to the Moon
So, the first question you might be asking: "how the heck am I even going to get to the moon?" I'm glad you asked! We've lined up a number of unique ways to get you up into the atmosphere. Just a few of your choices include rocket, UFO, a flying taxi, an airship courtesy of the Koopa Troop, or this weird hat-shaped doohickey we dug up somewhere. Some of these choices are probably safer than others, but they'll all most likely get you there in one piece!
The Surface of the Moon
Once you arrive, feel free to turn around and just stare at your home planet for a while. Isn't it lovely, watching it from the view up here? Now let's take a look at your surroundings. Isn't it...gray? Oh come on, it's a lot more interesting in person, trust me! The moon has a lot of nice, flat surfaces to hang around in. If you want to just sit and relax with your friends and family, or if you want to just run around like a maniac for a little while, you'll be able to find a good place here! Plus, the moon has a lot lower gravity than Earth, so if you're into jumping, you can jump higher and longer than ever before! But be careful, you don't want to fall down into the ground below. Less gravity doesn't mean less pain! The good news is that if you do fall off, you'll take a little longer to reach your inevitable demise then you would on Earth, giving you a few more seconds to think about your many accomplishments, beg for salvation, or scream in terror. As a reminder, Lovely Rabbits Inc. is not responsible if you or a loved one is injured or killed on the moon. It's not our fault if you're not bright!
The Interior of the Moon
While exploring the vast surface, you might find a mysterious cave or two. Please note that gravity underground will be more like what you're used to on Earth for reasons I'm probably not intelligent enough to know about. Otherwise, feel free to check them out, because you can find even more exciting places in the caves! For instance, we found this cool massive cave deep underground filled with lava! We've decked it out with pathways and gear from Earth, and the result is good for both taking a casual stroll to see the sights, or with a little more effort a good trap to defeat your mortal enemy. Just remember though, that lava is, in fact, real. If you try to go swim in it, you will die. It might seem like a silly warning, but I lost one of my favorite co-workers that way...
The Inhabitants of the Moon
Believe it or not, you will not be alone on the moon! For starters, well...there's these frogs! I'm not entirely certain when they got here or why they're all wearing top hats, but hey, aren't they adorable? There's some rabbits that live here, but after a prior incident, they've wanted to make it clear that they don't really like strangers. There's also some creatures made out of rocks, and it's fun to watch them roll around, but uh...they don't really care about anyone in the way, and they're covered in spikes that 'really' hurt, so I don't recommend getting too close. I say this from experience, just trust me on this one. Underground there's several other different creatures, many of which you might even find on Earth, but a lot of them aren't very friendly either. So...only the frogs are nice, really. But if you want to make the moon a nicer place, we're also offering our services in helping you move to the moon permanently if you wish! I'm not sure where you're going to live or how you'll even survive, but if you're happy and we make money, then everyone wins!
Weddings on the Moon
Perhaps the most notable attraction of the moon is the famous wedding hall! Although no one knows for sure how it got here, it's a beautiful building that's perfect for anyone to get willing married. Or unwillingly, we don't mind either way! The hall is located on Honeylune Ridge, which is why that's always where our tourists will be taken. There's a lot of weddings held here every year, and they're often open, so anyone* lucky enough to be around when a wedding is happening is free to show up and enjoy the show! It's truly a beautiful place to say "I do", and you can head outside right after to gaze at the Earth with your beloved, so it's no wonder this is such a popular location
*Note: Plumbers with mustaches and talking hats are not welcomed. They are to be shot on sight.
Final Words from the Moon
That's all the time we have today to talk about the moon, though there's plenty of more secrets to for you to discover, such as the mysterious cube shaped rocks and the other side of the moon. We hope you've enjoyed our presentation, and that you'll consider us the next time you want to go somewhere special. Sure, it's going to cost you millions and millions of coins per person, but what's a significant sum of money compared to the experience of a lifetime? Please see our offices for full pricing. On behalf of Lovely Rabbits Inc., I'm a disembodied voice. Have a great night!
This Has Been a Lovely Rabbits Inc. Production
Now now now, did you really expect me letting everyone else solding you to a kingdom that you MUST visit? Now you do not even know where to travel anymore, isn’t it? I guess it is up to me to save the day, and your money (ok, maybe not). I am going to make you understand that it is by no means necessary to choose one of those kingdoms. Where should you go? Easy solution! To the moon's dark and darker sides.
Now, your will ask me: Why there? That is simple. Because, you can explore almost identical places that you actually can see on every kingdoms. What!? Yeah! Trust me. I will take the opportunity to detail them in here.
What make the Dark Side, a good destination to visit? Well, you can actually experiment many things from those fake kingdoms, by travelling through some great magical doors (do not worry there is no side effect to this). There is so many things to do in here, and to discover. You can see structures similar to those from the Metro Kingdom in here. Just… make sure to be careful of those strange tanks who could take you for a moving target, but a little danger makes the whole thing a little more exciting, right… right?
How were these building built on the dark side of the moon? It is a pure mystery. I heard news from travelers that it was made by magic, I swear it.
Oh, and for Piranha Plants lovers, be assured, you will be able to discover an incredible new species of Piranha Plants in here. Yes, really! Those Piranha Plants are able to spit poison. Wait? You are telling me you already see that somewhere else? Impossible! The moon’s Piranha Plants are able to spit a bigger amount of poison than anywhere else! If someone else dares to pretend otherwise, do not believe it. This is fake news. Amazing the amount of fake news, you could find nowadays. It is so difficult for honest people like me.
Do you know what you can see in large quantities on the moon? Rabbit. There is rabbits everyone on the Dark Side, and Darker Side. They are so cute! Many of them are very nice and all. They can even offer you wedding service. There are very good planners, and you know what? The church for your great event is also on the moon. This make things very convenient.
One thing that is also special in the Dark Side is the amount of works of art. There is so many vegetable structures in here. According to some local rabbits, those are all handmade. It would have taken at least 150 years to design all these beautiful statues. A very large workforce was also needed for this. If you are an art lover, you must definitely visit the Dark Side.
Now, the Darker Side. Are you an extreme sports fan? Of course, why am I asking the question? Everyone likes an activity that incorporates a little risk, because otherwise, where is the pleasure?
Anyway, if you really want something extreme, the Culmina Crater is where you should go. The amount of danger you can get in there is 150%, that is according to someone I found somewhere that you do not need to know, but I assure you, that my sources are extremely reliable.
I will even add that apparently, the spirits of people who have failed to complete the Culmina Crater can be seen. You have to squint very hard, but someone told me it was just the steam from the lava that can be found here… wait, did I say lava? Sorry, I wanted to say hot water, there is nothing dangerous for you. Moreover, if you find that the color or the texture is far from looking like water, well that’s because you are in the moon. You really have to expect differences from the Earth.
In addition, Pauline, the mayor of the Metro Kingdom can be found here. When she is on tour with her band, she always stops here. Apparently, this is where she gets the biggest public, and we can always find citizens from all the kingdoms in here. There is no chance you can actually see this elsewhere.
You see, you have absolutely no reason to worry about going there, it's not even dangerous, and you will definitely have a blast in here. There is definitely no reason to go anywhere else, everything that is written here is 150% reliable, and everything that was done above the Dark & Darker Sides was all fake news.
That's all for this Travel Guide episode. This was the most trustworthy guy, signing off.
|The 'Shroom: Issue 150|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing|
|Specials||Awards Analysis • Switch It Up! • Fans in Unusual Places • Challenger Approaching! • A Touch with the Music • Welcome to My Dream World • Super Mario Odyssey Travel Guide|