The 'Shroom:Issue 111/Fake News
Welcome to a special edition of the Fake News.
Usually I try to be funny in the editorial, but in this issue it'd feel a bit weird to me. I wouldn't say I knew Walkazo as well as some other people here, but I considered her a friend nonetheless, and miss her all the same. Rest in peace.
Due to the nature of this issue, Obituaries is absent.
Section of the Month
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
|2nd||Cooking Guide||13||15.29%||The Pyro Guy|
Good Day everyone! I hope you are ready for another hearty 'Shroom Section written by me, because that is pretty much what you are going to be in for in a sec.
First off though, at this point I, as a member of the 'Shroom as well as the greater MarioWiki community, have to thank Walkazo for everything she has done in these past few years. She truly has been an inspiration to us all and deserves all the attention she can get as a writer and artist, and as a friend to many.
Rest in Peace.
|Statistic||As of 18 June 2016 (23:20)*|
|Posts per hour in the "Nico Nico 2500 Posts" Thread||51|
|Users reporting posts because of incorrect grammar||235|
|Mafia Games that didn't end up in total chaos||0.4|
|Number of Emoticons used out of context||1,134|
|Number of literal *bleep*posts||Too Many|
|Users who want a referendum about whether or not the MarioWiki should exit the NIWA||511|
|New Users who failed to register on the Forums because of the Captcha + Questions||321|
|Awards Tournaments where the hosts give themselves the most Tokens||All of Them|
|Number of questions typically asked in an Ask Thread before it gets derailed||3|
|New chat lines in the MarioWiki Discord Chat (which actually exists, I didn't make that up)||0|
Well, well, well. Now that this is done with, we need to direct our attention towards our friends from the Poll Committee once again after we have shamelessly neglected them last month. Please take a look at a recent poll:
Notice anything odd? Here's the relevant part zoomed in for the people who are too slow:
What do we gather from this poll? Who or What is this mythical "Anton", and why is the Poll Committee so keen on including it in a poll?
Well, I- I mean, our well-seasoned Research & Development Team here at Fake News might just have a Theor- Evidence that could solve this mystery. Searching for "Anton" on the MarioWiki nets the following result (among others):
Mario Party 10. Interesting. What could this possibly mean though? Is this part of a giant product placement that was secretly placed in front of our very eyes, on the Main Page of the Super Mario Wiki?!?
I can assure you, ladies and gentlemen, that we have sent out only the most talented reporters of this Sub-Team to find more information on this matter.
In the meantime, there is one more subject that I have to talk about today. Year for year, there is a huge, and I mean huge Plot going on at the Super Mario Wiki, with its staff simply tolerating- no, even PARTICIPATING in these treacherous events.
Yes, I am talking about the Awards Polls.
What a beautiful mess out of completely unnecessary questions that keep clogging up multiple pages on the Wiki every year, generates hundreds of threads and entire sub-boards on the Forums and costs the Wiki Administration over 300$ worth of Prizes in every iteration. And only for the results being completely and utterly rigged! How else can you explain the existence of the "Guess the Results" Awards Tournament? Its only purpose is providing the Head of the Awards Committee with ideas how they should shape their rigged poll results so they look genuine. And they let the traitorous person who contributed the most to this conspiracy get all the tokens out of this so called "Game" so they can continue their blasphemous lifestyle and shut their mouth about the activity they have just participated in. I mean just look a-
I uhm uh... I- I'll be back next month with another fresh edition of The Clogged Pipe! Now have a good time reading the rest of the issue, and be sure to come back next month!
Hello, and welcome to TV Tomorrow! The essential TV Guide for the Mushroom Kingdom, written by yours truly, Quizmelon. From the Mushroom Kingdom Broadcasting Channels to Kart Racing Live, I've got all the channels covered. Now, I know this month's issue is dedicated to Walkazo, who I have heard was an honourable and respected user, who I sadly did not get to meet. But it does not do to dwell on bad things, and so here are the top three shows from the Mario world which I recommend you watch.
Below the Mushrooms
Genre: Comedy drama
The hit comedy show about a group of Goombas living in the lowly parts of Mushroom Heights is back for a second series! After Gary makes a mistake while attempting to cook dinner for his parents, he ends up in some unfortunate trouble. The show that Professor E Gadd called 'astonishingly funny' should have the same effect that its first season had.
New: Sunken Stories
Genre: Historical drama
A tantalising drama based on the mystery of the World Cruise that sank off the coast of Koopa Beach, but all the passengers, crew and cargo miraculously survived unharmed. Mario, played by himself, is a young passenger intending to travel around the world, meets Peach, a Princess Royal, in this excellent first episode.
Jungle Tournament 2016 Live
Kart Racing Live, 1pm
Reporting live from DK Jungle, the Jungle Tournament finishes today with this spectacular course, and Donkey Kong is the main favourite to win this race. Bowser and Wiggler are also looking like quite strong players as well. Meanwhile, at the back of the pack, Rosalina will hope she can overcome her unfortunate delay at DK's Jungle Parkway and knock Petey Piranha into last place. A must-see for Mario Kart fans.
Well, while that isn't all - the Tumble Show, Another Smash Out Of Place, and Yoshi's Island are also all must-sees for tomorrow - this is all I really have room for, so that is it from TV Tomorrow today. Make sure to look out for this section next month, but for now, goodbye!
Greetings, viewers, from Mushroom Kingdom Broadcasting Channel 6, with the weather for this week in the Mushroom Kingdom.
Temperatures will start high in the beginning of the week, with our high on Monday being a balmy 78 degrees, and then will drop towards the weekend while a high-pressure front moves in. Look for lows on Friday near 52. It’s a great week for playing baseball, so come on out and enjoy a game at Mario Stadium when the Mario Fireballs will be taking on the Daisy Flowers on Tuesday. Your high for Tuesday is 75 degrees with clear skies.
The weather will be generally very clear, with mostly sunny skies until Friday, when the front will bring clouds and the slight possibility of some rain. Be sure to look up on Wednesday night as Bowser’s Comet will be making its yearly pass over our part of the kingdom. We’re predicting clear skies with some fog on that night, so heading out of the city and away from the light pollution will aid in observation.
We now move to our special coverage of the 2016 Rio Olympic Games, where beginning next week, our kingdom’s representatives will be competing with the representatives from Mobius. We will be bringing you weather reports for the events that are taking place daily in Rio.
- High 85, Low 69
- Track and Field, 100m dash; Sunny with some possible clouds
- Synchronized Swimming, team; Sunny
- Table Tennis, pairs; Sunny
- High 84, Low 69
- Track and Field, 4x100m relay; Partly cloudy with slight chance of rain
- Swimming, 100m freestyle; Partly cloudy
- Synchronized Swimming, pairs; Partly cloudy
- High 89, Low 73
- Swimming, men’s diving; Rain with possible thunderstorms
- Synchronized swimming, team finals; Rain
- Boxing; Rain
- High 88, Low 70
- Rowing, pairs; Rain with gusty winds
- Synchronized Swimming, pair finals; Rain
- Swimming, women’s diving; Rain
- High 82, Low 64
- Rhythmic Gymnastics, balance beam; Cloudy with wind
- Rhythmic Gymnastics, uneven bars; Cloudy
- Boxing, finals; Cloudy
- High 85, Low 67
- Rhythmic Gymnastics, tumbling and floor events; Mostly sunny
- Equestrian; Mostly sunny with winds
- Table Tennis, finals; Mostly sunny
A strange phenomenon has occurred across the entire Mushroom Kingdom this past week, with reports from multiple regions suggesting that an exceptionally bright rainbow has been spotted throughout the region. Citizens as spaced out and distanced as the Fahr Outpost to even the border with the Beanbean Kingdom at Stardust Fields claim to be seeing the exact same rainbow, initially considered a hoax by the local Toadstool Climatology Bureau until further observations proved that the ludicrous was indeed true. Leading climatologist, Mei-Ling Shroom, has commented that "such an event is unheard of, even given how confusing and non-euclidean the Mushroom Kingdom and its climate tends to be. We do not, at this stage, have an explanation for it." Evangelical religious figures have claimed its a symbol from the Great Amanita in the sky that the end times are upon us, and it's time for all followers to begin hiding their possessions in random blocks strewn about the kingdom as a gesture of release from Earthly tethers, although this follows four false doomsday proclamations this year alone.
It appears that a large pot of skittles and toblerone has been found at the end of the rainbow, in a bizarre but delicious phenomenon that many are attributing to Diabetes Leprechauns. What a Diabetes Leprechaun is has yet to be confirmed, although local bag-wearing connoisseur, Hobo T., has insisted that the creatures exist and that they're planning to take over the world through sugary goodness. The pot of chocolaty goods has been distributed out to many orphanages across the nation, although the pot seemingly keeps refilling, leading many to believe it's been planted by someone for a currently unknown reason. Many across the kingdom have become inspired by the rainbow, with the Kong family in particular seeing it as a good omen for their banana harvest. "I tell you what, I've lived a long time, and you whippersnappers best believe I've seen a lot in that time, more than you ungrateful ingrates ever have, but I ain't never seen something like this. It can only mean good things are to come to the Kong family, not that my useless grandchildren deserve any of it," former Professional Kidnapper and noted grouch Cranky Kong told us. The Kongs are reportedly making preparations for a festival in celebration of the kingdom-spanning rainbow; one of the oldest children in the family, Diddy Kong, showed us the banner he's preparing for the occasion, which simply says "Donkey Kong's Rainbow of Approval".
The Kongs are not the only ones who have been moved by the rainbow, as even Opposition Leader Bowser and his family have found themselves at the centre of a heartwarming story. Lemmy Koopa, the second youngest member of the family and often viewed as the odd ball of the family, came out as homosexual yesterday, claiming that the rainbow gave him the courage to make the big announcement. "Ever since I was... maybe 8, I knew there was something different about me. It took me until my teen years to learn what I was, but I didn't know how to deal with dad or my siblings," Lemmy told our staff. "I just wanted to be accepted, but you never know how people are going to react. But the rainbow... it just gave me that courage, made me feel like there was something greater out there that knew who I really was, and was telling me to be true. I thought that it was more important to be real to me, no matter what others think." Reception to the big announcement from one of the kingdom's most notorious political leaders has been overwhelmingly positive, with reports of Lemmy's entire family welcoming his sexuality with open arms. "No one can tell you who to love... I should know that better than anyone. My son is still my son, no matter who he dates," Bowser commented. Current Reigning Monarch of the Mushroom Kingdom, Princess Peach, commented on the occassion, stating "I think it's great to see [Bowser] display such strength of character to embrace his brave son for who he is, and I hope that his status as my political opponent does not dissuade people from following their example."
We will bring more information on this phenomenon as the story progresses.
BREAKING NEWS: It has just been reported that an uncharacteristically large flock of Goonies have been seen underneath the rainbow, forming a love heart shape with a "W" formed in the middle of it. Experts in ornithology are currently trying to determine what this odd behaviour could possibly mean, although a small city community of misfits noted for creating the cult indie film Dragon Problem have been reported to be at a strange ease from the event. More as it develops.
Hello everyone! I'm back in business visiting a local farm supplying a very special ingredient to our kitchen. That's right, today we're cooking:
Today, we don't need ingredients, we're creating the ingredients! I'm just coming up to the authentic, natural farm where my supplier grows these magical 'shrooms.
These mushrooms are red...
But these ones are white! The growing of a mushroom sure is interesting. I'd say that the red qualities are part of an ageing process.
These plant beds have wheels on them, too... maybe a sunlight rotation mechanism?
HOLY HELL ON A BREADSTICK
OH GOD WHAT IS THIS
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY NATURAL GUARANTEE
This is impossible. The complex fungal nature of the shroom caps leading to different distributions of the white spore patches...
I was told that the magical, size doubling trope was due to the concentrated air levels...
The edible beady eyes... to be honest, the supply manager never really explained that one...
Mushrooms. Are. A lie!!
Join me not only in my truthful campaign against artificial mushrooms, but also next month as I return to the friendly reaches of true cooking.
If true cooking exists.
Hopefully it does.
It was a scorching Summer day in Stooben Rooben's house, but otherwise, things were going as they usually do.
Back in October of last year, a dispute SMB and Dippy had with the galactic creature Packy led to the three being trapped in an otherworldly prison. They later set aside their differences and escaped, but soon found themselves in even deeper trouble after sending a bad batch of cookies to Santa Claus. They set out to the North Pole to save Christmas, but things just got worse – in a surprising twist, Packy and Santa both ended up going missing.
In the meantime, Stooben was able to relaunch his career after the successful concert that Dippy, SMB, and Packy had helped him stage on their way to the arctic. One of the songs they performed became a hit, earned him enough money to buy new equipment and a house, and he invited SMB and Dippy to live with him upon their return. Since then, the two had gotten on his nerves, having done nothing but play video games and listen to music. They refused to do anything else around the house, even answer the phone, which led to this moment:
*angrily* You both! We need to talk!
Crikey! Sounds like Stoob's mad!
Hold on, I need to reAch the next sAve p—
*unplugs SMB's video game*
Quit playing games with me! I know what you both have been up to.
I just got off the phone with an elf...
Santa went missing?
Oh yeah... Knew we'd forgotten something!
Oi mate, you know I've been listening to music non-stop for the album review! You'd think they'd have tried to contact us to remind us...
He said they've tried calling the house and left hundreds of messages.
Oh, is thAt who wAs cAlling? Could've sworn those were telemArketers!
What is wrong with you both?
Well what are we supposed to do now? They've been gone f—
Oh... Well PAcky wAs with SAntA, too...
What? Oh, poor Packy...
Poor PAcky? He's the one who cAused the whole mess by drugging SAntA's cookies!
That was you, ya twat!
Oh! And I bet I wAs the one who forgot to turn off the oven thAt burnt down Yoshi876 house too, wAsn't I?
*aside* Dear Poochy, who did I let into my house!?
I can't stand this, I'm about to go Thunderbolt on SMB!
That'd be quite the electrifying experience, wouldn't it?
The three of them proceeded to argue a bit more, and eventually decided that they had to go find Packy and Santa. They caught a flight to Russia, which is where the two had last been traced. They went to the exact point that the elf told Stooben to go, and sure enough, they found what appeared to be the remains of the sleigh. The trio proceeded to investigate and look for any signs of what happened. SMB found a recording device nearby, and played the last bit of audio that had been recorded:
- Here's your stop! Goodbye, and good luck!
- *somebody is pushed over the sleigh*
- *inaudible shouts*
- Sorry, no time to park! Gotta find a bathroom...
- Santa, what are you doing? Why did you push him over? ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)
- He'll be fine, don't worry.
- Uh oh! There's something flying toward us! ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε┏(;ﾟロﾟ)┛
- What the Devil?
- *loud static sound*
The two approached Stooben, who was holding the device. Suddenly, it activated and a disturbing voice came from it.
I want to play a game...
What the blazes is going on?
Play with me...
We should probAbly leAve this thing Alone... It's sort of creepy.
Wow, rude! I guess I won't tell you how to save your friends...
What do you know about our friends?
Play my game, and I will reveal all...
Okay, ya wanker, I'll bite. What are you going on about? What game?
You must solve the ancient puzzles of the Temples of the Elements... If you win, you get your friends back...
Oi mate, and what happens if we lose?
We'll... discuss that later. For your friends' sake, just play the game...
I'll bet this bloke that we can win! We're going to save Christmas in... June.
And so the trio accepted this strange challenge, despite the questions that went unanswered. Who was the creep on the other end of the walkie-talkie? What were these ancient puzzles? Regardless, Santa and Packy depended on them, and this was the only lead they had.
Let Them Eat Cake
Thankfully, the trio had the foresight to bring along the walkie-talkie, since a mere few minutes into their adventure, they had no idea where to go.
Soooo...where are we supposed to go, then?
Your first stop will be the Earth Temple. Somewhere in that temple, is an important piece of food that I would like.
Food? What sort of quest is this?
Some would call it karma. I call it justice.
Karma? Justice? Is this some sort of code for caramel ice cream?
Is everything just one big joke to you, or...?
The purpose of this quest is far more complex than that. How you play the cards you're dealt, that's all that matters.
So the gAme we Are plAying is A cArd gAme?
Wait a minute! How are we even supposed to find this Earth Temple?
You all possess the coordinates to the Temple. Think hard. The numbers are in the back of your minds. The path to this location can be found through the eye of the hurricane.
Listen, Bub, all we want is a straight answer. Our friends are counting on us!
Whether you realize it or not, you just stated the answer. It's time to start our game.
WhAt wAs thAt All About?
Is it just me or was that all one huge riddle?
So, you're saying the guy on the other end of the walkie-talkie is The Riddler?
...No. It's a good thing you have me. I make riddles. Think back on that conversation. "Cards", "coordinates", "numbers", "counting"...notice a recurring theme?
Math. It's all math.
PerhAps we should pAy Pidgey A visit, then?
Exactly my thinking.
The trio set out to visit Pidgey, the mathematically-adept avian who not only capitalized on the meteorite crash site that spawned Packy by converting it into a profitable memorial, but also invested his earnings into constructing a self-designed castle in the Kingdom of Memeden. They knew of no one more qualified to calculate, differentiate, and solve numerical problems. Thus, with the lives and a beloved tradition on the line, the three had every reason to travel the distance to speak with the little birdie. Since they were relying on Pidgey for something so hefty, the trio made an effort to appeal to Pidgey's memein'-sense by arriving promptly 3:14. Pidgey, however, was quite abrasive when he opened his door — it seemed that, even though he was being visited at Pi-o'clock, he was dissatisfied with the visitation being in the AM, rather than the PM.
We know it's lAte, Pidgey, but we need your help!
Unless you're selling bootleg Chiaki Nanami sex tapes, get the hell off my property!
Oh, so you won't get us off the hook unless we get you off first?
At this hour, there is time for only two things: sleep and waifus.
Brings a whole new meaning to the move "Feather Dance"...
Actually, maybe one of Pidgey's moves are all we need, not his actual math skills.
You want to see one of my moves? I'll cook up something special, just for you!
Quickly and violently, Pidgey whipped himself around in a circle, mustering a giant, windy cyclone that whisked the trio away. As the skies grew cloudy, it became apparent that Pidgey had used the move, Hurricane, to free himself of his nighttime visitors. The storm lasted for quite a long time, with the powerful gusts that came with it carrying the three a considerable distance. By the time the hurricane died down, the trio found themselves face-down on the ground in front of a large temple made from bread and various types of pasta. Once they picked themselves up and dusted themselves off, the three soon came to realize that the voice on the other end of the walkie-talkie knew a lot more than they initially thought — he spoke of us reaching the temple "through the eye of the hurricane", as well as of mathematical terminology that led us to the person who created the hurricane in the first place. Who was it, exactly, that they were dealing with?
How the hell did we survive that?
You forget I'm from FloridA, Dippy. I've bAttled fAr worse storms thAn thAt!
This is the Earth Temple? Not quite the stone-and-dirt architecture I was looking for.
It does look very starchy.
I guess you could sAy it's A fine piece of stArchitecture.
Stooben, you didn't tell me your awful sense of humour is contagious.
That's because it's not. It's PUNtagious.
Once the trio moved inside of the temple, they immediately found themselves barricaded inside. A thick door of Melba toast slammed down from the top of the entryway, preventing escape. The trio had absolutely no choice but to explore the temple in hopes of finding an exit...in addition to whatever food they were supposed to find in this labyrinth of starchy products.
Oi, this door is as solid as they come! There's no way we can get through with our bare hands.
ShAll we trAverse forwArd, then?
May as well. I don't think Stooby could even sneeze this thing out of place.
So, you're saying I can't make a nasal passage?
With their adventure just unfurling, they trekked through dimly-lit halls of grain, across floors of lasagna, and up stairways of graham crackers. The layout clashed horrendously, but everything seemed to be made from starch — even the torches lighting the temple were composed of roasting chestnuts. The trio longed for Packy more than they ever had before, since he could have simply eaten his way to freedom. The three trudged forth, though, eventually reaching a large chamber with four large cake balls situated at each of the floor's corners.
What's this room all about? SMB, you're the dungeon crawler here. Have any idea?
The pedestAls these cAkes Are on could be pressure-sensitive.
So we just remove them, then?
Nothing is ever thAt simple in chAmbers like this. PerhAps we hAve to eAt them?
You're bloody nuts. There's no telling how long these have been here!
Seriously. They're probably moldy oldies by now.
Or, at least, staler than most of Stoob's jokes.
So, SMB, since you seem to know what's going on, why don't YOU eat them?
If you guys won't touch them, I suppose I hAve no choice...
One by one, SMB slowly consumed the cake balls. He was unable to remove them from the pedestals upon which they resided, so he had to bite them where they sat. Once he finished the first cake ball, the trio discovered that he was indeed correct — there was a little pressure plate underneath the cake ball, and it popped upwards once the weight of the cake ball had been removed. Apparently, the cake balls did not taste so bad — they were moist and rich, not old and stale, which encouraged SMB to eat the remaining three cake switches. Once he finished, the trio saw the wall in front of them rise into the ceiling — a hidden room behind the chamber had been revealed!
Awesome! It actually worked!
Nice work, SMB! It takes some balls to make a leap of faith like that.
I think I'm going to be sick...
Oh, come on, that joke wasn't that bad.
No... The cAkes were so rich, I feel Absolutely nAuseous now...
Quit your bellyachin', SMB.
PleAse stop with the puns... I'm AfrAid to know whAt would hAppen if I lAugh too hArd.
Whatever. I see something up ahead. It might be the food we're looking for, so I'm going to go grab it.
I'll just stAy right here... I'm going to Avoid shAking up my belly too much...
As Dippy approached the hidden treasure, she discovered it to be a box of Froot Loops. Once she lifted it from the stand upon which it was placed, the toucan on the cover of the box mysteriously sprung to life. It had been freed from its two-dimensional state on the box and was now a three-dimensional bird flapping its wings excitedly in front of Dippy.
Thank you for rescuing me! I think someone must have cursed me, because I've been condemned to be that cereal box's mascot for ages.
Um... You're welcome? Glad I could help.
Even though I've been isolated back here for who-knows-how-long, I think I know of a way out of here. Let me show you! It's the least I can do.
You know where the exit is?! But how?
Because I follow my nose...wherever it goes!
The colorful bird happily flew out of the chamber, past Stooben and SMB, and down the long hallway towards the entrance that had previously been blocked off. While Dippy had been distracted by the toucan, however, another pressure plate had been activated in the chamber — it was underneath the box of cereal, and impossible to identify until the box had been removed. Once the pressure plate had been triggered, the temple began to viciously quake. The starchy walls and ceiling were caving in!
But it was too late to undo anything: the entire Earth Temple was collapsing upon itself, setting off numerous, lethally delicious traps throughout the halls as the trio fled for safety. Uncooked rice shot out from the walls. Flour rained down from above. Worst of all, however, was an enormous oblong entity that quickly rolled down the halls after them. It was a giant potato boulder, and there was no denying that it would crush all three of the adventurers if they did not find an escape soon.
Dippy, Stooben, and SMB ran as fast as they could, not looking back out of fear they may trip on something and fall. Due to his intense nausea, SMB trailed behind Stooben and Dippy, though the two did not notice immediately. At some point, Dippy and Stooben spotted a small nook to the side of the path, which they quickly fit themselves into in order to catch their breath and escape the speeding potato. SMB was nowhere to be seen. Soon, the starchy boulder tumbled past the nook, alerting the duo that SMB was not able to outrun the boulder.
With the Earth Temple still collapsing, they quickly doubled back in a panic to find SMB. He was only a short distance behind the nook they had hidden in, but he had been completely flattened by the potato — SMB was now two-dimensional himself, a mere paper copy of his former self.
Dippy and Stooben quickly folded SMB up and carried him the rest of the way out of the Earth Temple before it completely collapsed on itself. The potato boulder had left an enormous hole just down the path, where sunlight could be seen bleeding through. It was a way to escape, although they were uncertain if it was the escape the grateful toucan had mentioned earlier. Once they made it outside of the temple, its starchy composure completely caved inwards, turning into a large pile of broken pasta and bread crumbs. It was at this point they received another transmission on their walkie-talkie.
Congratulations. You have successfully retrieved the item I wanted from the Earth Temple. How much weight were you willing to shed?
*distorted clown laugh*
ThAt's...thAt's not funny!
Yes! We did it, Reddit! Will you release our friend now?
You think it is over, but the games have just begun.
So... There's more we have to do?
Oh yes, there will be more.
You're a twisted little guy, you know that?
Live or diet... The choice is yours.
I'm Hot Blooded
Let's just get this over with... where Are we going next?
Peppy, aren't you? If you don't cool off, you'll be sure to erupt.
Oi mate, don't fuck with us.
Yea, I'm already cold-blooded, I can't cool off anymore if I wanted to!
Oh don't worry, you won't need to cool off where you're going next. A hot dog, on the other hand... Good luck.
PleAse tell me this meAns we're going to A tropicAl resort...
It means we're going into a volcano, you wanker. Just what we bloody needed.
What an explosive turn of events!
Why did we even bring you?!
But wait, there's just one problem... which volcano are we going to?
So the crew had a daunting task ahead of them... which volcano housed the temple they were looking for? Even if they found out which one it was, how would they get there? All seemed lost, until the trio decided to head to the local market for a bite to eat... except for SMB, who was simultaneously flat and bloated at the same time.
Why Are you spiting me like this?! You know I love hot dogs!
Oh boo hoo, you got to eat an entire cake, you've got no right to complain.
Yea SMB, stop being so full of yourself!
i can tell by your bickering that you're enjoying the hot dogs i'm sure
Too right, Turb, my mate! This is the best hot dog I've had since the time my neighbours dog jumped on me barbie!
Hey, didn't thAt wAlkie-tAlkie freAk sAy something About hot dogs?
Oh right, didn't he say we'd need a hot dog where we're going?
it's not any of my business but where are you guys going anyway
A volcano, apparently. No bloody clue which one, tho, which is the problem.
oh. actually i was about to head out to an island out in the south that has a volcano... it's probably nothing, but i don't know... words are hard
ThAt could ActuAlly be where we need to go!
ONWARDS, to the hottest place on Earth!
...Mila Kunis' underwear drawer?
So taking a ride on Turb's Hot Dog mobile, which was terrifyingly fast for what it was, the trio found themselves directly in front of the Fire Temple that housed the next treasure they needed, which had heaps of long-dead adventurers and their weapons and armour strewn about.
Holy dooly, I have never seen a car go that fast before!
How did we drive across water?! Talk about treading water!
yea it's pretty great. i'm not used to fast speeds at all so this is fine i'm sure.
So, Turb, now thAt you're here, would you cAre to journey into the temple with us? Could be greAt mAteriAl for your TrAvel Guide.
that actually sounds like a good idea i'd be ha--
Just then, Turb noticed a stray javelin attached to outer wall of the temple... He began caressing it sensually, and talking dirty to it...
oh my what a shocking find this was. when a long way from home a guy needs something to remind him of his beloved. you guys go on ahead i need some quality time i'm sure
...NO ARGUMENTS HERE! Let's go, let's go, let's go...
talk trashy to me fuccboi
I guess you could say, Turb's just looking for a good prick!
Next time, it won't be the butt of my knife that hits you!
The trio descended into the volcano, not knowing what to expect after the starchy disaster of the Earth Temple, but what the crew found was... not to their expectations. Rivers of curry sauce, air filled with spices, floors made of garlic, rocks made of wasabi nuts... it was a white suburban mother's worst culinary nightmare, everything designed to overstimulate the senses and burn the throat, to brighten your face up to a rosy, uncomfortable red.
Bloody hell, this is awful! It's too bloody hot in here!
And here I thought you lived down under.
Piss off, I like hot weather, not hot foods! My eyes are burning in here!
Now now, no need to get so heated! If we stay away from the lava, we should be fine.
How on Earth are you two not feeling this right now?!
Do you know nothing About HyliAns?! Never leAve the house without At leAst three sets of clothes, And one of those is my Fire Tunic, so this heAt is nothing to me!
And I'm cold-blooded, yet you're the one getting cold feet in all this.
Shut up! Let's just go!
As they delved deeper, they could hear distressed chirping coming from a distance, coupled with maniacal laughter... They rushed ahead, and found an arena filled with green peppers, and what looked like a large chili pepper antagonising a young Rowlet trapped in a cage seemingly made of horseradish.
What's going on here?! You stop that!
Can't stop, addicted to this shindig!
OI MATE! How dare you pick on something so small, innocent, and pure?! Why not pick on someone your own size!
Dippy, hAve you noticed how smAll you Are?! This is not A smArt...
Ssssh, let her go. She hit me with a knife handle earlier.
So what is it, then, mate?!
*cocks gun* COME AT ME!
Twisting and turning, you're feeling the burning, I'm breaking the girl!
OH MY POOCHY, my fur is on fire! SMB, Stooben, do something!
Dude, do we hAve Any ice?!
Why would we bring ice into a volcano?! Is your brain as thin as the rest of you right now?!
A?! WhAt did you just sAy to me?!
As the two argued amongst themselves, Dippy found herself flailing about and running around the whole arena, accidentally tripping over one of the green peppers. A sizzling sound began... in too much pain to heed it, Dippy started rolling on the ground to put out the fire. It worked. Unfortunately...
The pepper exploded, launching the freshly-extinguished Dippy into the curry river surrounded the arena. Once again, the electric mouse found herself set alight...
I don't ever wanna feel, like she does right now.
HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME
WAit... these green peppers Are BOMBS!
I guess the taste just explodes in your mouth!
Shut the A up And just grAb these things!
Stooben and SMB grabbed the bombs and began launching them at the chili pepper before them, taking care not to touch the cage behind him. Before long, the pepper was overwhelmed by the barrage of spiciness that far exceeded even its tolerance levels, and it fell to the ground, the majority of its delicious, face-melting insides now resting uncomfortably on the outside. With its final breath, the chili pepper, still smiling and giggling to itself, uttered...
I've got to... take it on the otherside...
Now that's what I call a spicy meatball!
There is no meAt within a 500 mile rAdius of us, you muffin!
I guess we should save this bird, at least. Just tear off the radish, and... there we go!
The overjoyed bird gave the two a swift peck on the cheek, and fluttered around them chirping away with utmost joy.
D'aw, what a sweet little creature. I can't believe anyone would want to harm something so rotund.
And us flAts As well, right?
I can't believe anyone would want to harm something so rotund!
...right, well, we're At An impAsse here right now. Where's the treAsure we're supposed to collect??
Rowlet, however, was eager to grab their attention. Indeed, its behaviour seemed quite assertive, and as soon as the duo noticed it, it began flying off deeper into the temple...
As they walked into the next room, they saw a plant-like pedestal seemingly made of wasabi, with a chalice resting atop it with an overpowering glow emanating from it. Rowlet flew atop the chalice, and hovered around it, chirping fervently as if to indicate this is the hidden treasure. As the two walked up to it, they observed what the chalice was filled with, and were quite unpleasantly shocked...
...is this... chili sAuce?
Did he really send us out here to grab glowing chili sauce?
It looks irrAdiAted... this cAn't be good for you.
Can't be helped... just grab whatever you can, and put it in a bottle. I know you Hylians never leave home without them.
*off in the distance* AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?!
Oh yea, we should also probably get that hothead out of there, too. At least to stop her whining.
This Chapter Blows
After having helped Dippy out of the curry lava, which surprisingly only burnt through her fur, the three exited the volcano with Rowlet. The bird tweeted with appreciation for being saved, and flew off into the distance. Now our heroes had obtained two of the items that the mysterious challenger was seeking, saved two birds along the way, and awaited for information regarding their third quest.
Aw piss, my fur's burned off! Does anybody got a spare shirt or something?
I've got something that will help, I think you'll like it, too!
Y'know, you're a real life saver, I really app—
*pulls out Nickelback t-shirt*
Congratulations! You've passed my second test... Although some of you really took some heat for it.
*begrudgingly putting shirt on* You're lucky you're behind that walkie-talkie...
Are you ready for the next one?
I don't think we have much of a choice...
That's the spirit! Sort of like the other challenges, you'll be winging this next one.
Get the hint, airhead.
That doesn't make much sense at all, now does it?
The three, confused as to their next step, looked ahead and saw Turb again.
oh uh, hey guys
What are you still doing out here? I thought you were gonna go exploring?
i just did, now i'm going to go into the volcano and do the travel guide
yeah, but don't worry, i should be out in a little while. you guys wait here.
*runs into temple*
Screw this, let's steal his Hot Dog mobile!
Dippy! This is just asking for trouble!
Relax mate, we've stolen several vehicles in the past year, nothing's happened.
Besides, time is of the essence. PAcky And SAntA's lives depend on us; I'm sure Turb will understAnd.
Against his better judgement, Stooben agreed to their plan to strand Turb on the island and head back to the mainland. They ran toward the Hot Dog mobile and started boarding, when he turned around.
As the three made it back to the mainland, they were trying to think of what the walkie-talkie guy had said. The words "winging" and "airhead" stood out in Stooben's mind for some reason, but he couldn't quite think of what it all meant. He looked out of the rear-view mirror and happened to notice a good friend walking down the sidewalk a bit behind them. Suddenly, he understood what the challenge was and slammed the brakes. He urged the other two to follow him out and waited in a bush for Tucayo to pass them by.
The other two proceeded to hold Tucayo down, take his shell off, and fed it to Stooben.
I'm sorry man, I need to wing this one! Yoshis do that by eating blue shells!
Couldn't you just drink Red Bull? First you all took my paychecks and pension, and now you take the clothing off my back!
SMB! Dippy! Hop on! We're going to the next temple!
The three flew straight up into the sky, in hopes of finding their next destination. And sure enough, they managed to happen upon floating landmasses! They passed one with a lake of soda, another had a ditch filled with popcorn, and even one where the dirt smelled like fluffy chocolate mousse. They spotted a big yellow bird resting on a giant marshmallow mass, and descended through a whipped cream cloud as they landed next to it; once they saw who they were dealing with, they immediately became filled with repressed memories of pain and agony.
We're more fried than shrimp on the barbie...
Mother of Poochy...
It's... Canary Mary!
Wow, it's been quite a while since I've seen anybody this high! You must have strategically winged up here!
I thought you only existed in the video gAmes!
Oh no, I'm more than real! And I've really been enjoying this Air Temple!
You call this a temple?
Quite unique, isn't it? Nobody usually makes it up here, so there's no need for walls. Just air!
Makes sense... Anyway, what are you doing here anyway?
Well, I found a nice treasure flying past here! I'll give it to you if you can beat me in a race.
Well... What's the worst that can happen? You're on!
Eager to win the prize, Stooben – with Dippy and SMB still in tow – lined up next to the canary, his only goal in mind speeding past her and winning the contest.
Stooben took off and flapped his wings as hard as he could. He flew through the hole of a donut, looped around a twinkie, and flew past a giant bag of chips. She wasn't anywhere in sight, and the marshmallow where they started was slowly coming closer. He knew they absolutely had this race in the bag! He heard a faint shouting, and assumed it to be her shouting in anger. But as he approached the finish line, he heard the shouts grow louder. Eventually, he was within earshot:
Sure enough, when they landed, she was dancing at the finish line, as if to gloat over her victory. She wasn't in sight because she had won the race way before Stooben had realized he lost. He accepted her challenge to start again...
Over and over again, the result was the same: Canary Mary kept winning the race, and challenged Stooben to a do-over every single time. He had just about given up, when Dippy told him that she had a plan. They lined up one more time, and upon her shout to "GO," Dippy kicked Stooben and forced his tongue out at the bird. He ate her and hatched her into an egg, after which Dippy urged him to just fly. He took off and shot through the entire course.
Stooben was close to the finish line when his wings fell off. He had forgotten that was only able to use his wings for a temporary amount of time, and was reminded at the most inconvenient timing – with no land immediately below them, the drop must have been thousands of feet.
Stooben kicked his legs ferociously, floating his way toward the finish line. An angry Canary Mary pursued them in the distance, shouting that she would catch up and teach them a lesson. Finally, he couldn't keep it up, and his legs gave out. The three went freefalling... About ten feet, when they landed on the marshmallow. With the other two mounted on him, the fall resulted in Stooben throwing out his back, but otherwise winning the race.
The legends were true; Canary Mary did indeed ironically keep her most prized possessions in the least desirable places. She handed Stooben a can of whipped cream that she "planned on using later," and thanked the trio for "saving her from herself." She flew off, and left our deeply disturbed heroes pondering their next move.
No Soup For You
Well done! What an incredible race that was, and the reward sure was a surprise, wasn't it?
Now now, don't drown in your emotions. You still have waves to make if you want to swim through the rest of this.
...Your riddles Are losing their subtlety.
Water you waiting for? Just go get me some dank meals!
...What was that about??
Well in Any cAse we hAve A mArine biome to find, so let's get going!
Get lost, we're sterilising this whipped cream first! I ain't goin' anywhere with this shit!
So after cleansing the whipped cream in the lake of the Air Temple, the trio pondered a very important question... how would they get off this floating island?
With intense back pain, Stooben kicked SMB and Dippy off the edge of the temple, following them as soon as he was able to get his spine back in place. By pure luck, the temple happened to be hovering over the ocean, so the trio survived the fall by falling into the water, defying all laws of physics and coming out of the experience with little more than a scratch. Given what the trio had already been through, it would seem cruel to force them to endure much worse.
WHAT THE HELL, STOOBEN?!
The way I saw it, if we survived, great! But if we died, I don't have to deal with this garbage any longer. So either way, I would've won.
GUYS I CAN'T SWIM AND I'M TERRIFIED OF WATER WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO I'M PANICKING HOOOOOLY DOOLY!
Relax, don't tear yourself up over this; let the piranha chomps and giant eels do that for you.
Just then, the tide began to pick up and a rumbling sound began ringing in the trio's ears. As they began to fear the worst, the creature emerged from the depths... to reveal itself as some sort of big tuna.
Well golly, what are you three doing out in the middle of the ocean like this?
Gee, you sure are far out for that. If you'd like, I can take you back to land if you want.
Why even bother? These two are going to drag me to the depths of hell on their insane escapades.
You knew whAt you were getting into, Stoob. Now we gottA find the WAter Temple, or else ChristmAs will be forever ruined!
Tell me again how any of that is my problem?
Oh, did you say Water Temple? Yea I know that place, my cousin works there. It's a great soup joint, everyone loves it!
...A soup joint? ReAlly?
YES OK TAKE US THERE JUST GET ME OUT OF THE WATER
Storing the trio in its mouth, the giant tuna promptly dove into the depths, swimming through the streets of an underground city populated by a variety of sentient fish and fish people, before finally stopping at an oddly modernised, flashy building with a massive crowd outside it. The giant tuna released the three from their oral prison, and introduced them to the most popular food establishment in the entire ocean; User Soup!
BLUB BLUB BLUB?!
BLUUUUUB?? BLUB BLUB BLUUUB!
Oh yea, you can't breath down here. That's ok, neither can I! But if you're having a hard time, you can always go in the back way; the owner of this place is an air-breather too!
With that information, SMB and Stooben, pulling the unconscious Dippy along, rushed to the back door, and slammed on the back doors in desperation to be let in. Eventually, the doors were opened by a familiar face, one they certainly did not expect to see this far deep in the ocean...
What the? What are you three doing here?
*HEAVY GASP* OH MY POOCHY WE'RE ALIVE!
I haaaaaate water levels!
Oh um, you guys look really. Terrible right now.
We've been through worse scrapes, although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't holding my breath there.
I bloody told you it wouldn't just be my knife handle next time!
MY HAIR! How dare you?! And when did you wake up, anyway?!
As soon as I heard that awful pun, you punter!
I swear, if my back wasn't broken, you'd be the one having a close shave!
Guys, we hAve to focus. We hAve A treAsure to find, remember? We're so close to finishing this horrible Adventure!
I'm sorry, did you say. You're looking for a treasure?
Too right, mate. The sooner we find it, the sooner we can bugger off and go back to trashing Stoob's house.
Somehow a less agonising experience than this adventure has been.
...I see. Well, I think I might know. What it is you're looking for. Follow me.
Well, thAt wA eAsy.
SonicMario guided the trio through the hallways of what seemed to be a modernised, refurbished temple, with its design layout. Strangely, there was no water in this temple... yet it was meant to be a Water Temple, right? Eventually, they reached the end of the hallway, and SonicMario opened the door. The trio walked in, but were disgusted and horrified by what they found...
WhA... whAt the hell is this?!
My produce, what else do. You think it is?
I can't believe this... User Soup is PEOPLE!
Dear Poochy, not this human-food thing again... I think I'm gonna be sick...
You're feeding users to these fish?! WhAt the hell is wrong with you?!
Oh, what's the problem? You eat fish yourself, don't you?
Don't give us that indignant crap! This isn't about ethics, it's about this being bloody disgusting!
How could you do something like this?!
Hey don't pin this on me... I'm just another cog. In the big machine of Ghost Jam Industries.
*hands SMB a business card*
Ghost JAm... why Am I not surprised?
Well this is a surprise to be sure... I thought you were here to. Steal my secret for yourself, but now I see that. You just want to shut me down. Either way, my plan is the same. Get in the fucking machine, Dippy!
What?! No! Get your hands off me, you damn dirty 'hog!
SMB's flatness and Stoob's broken back stopped the two from stopping the shockingly strong SonicMario from overpowering Dippy, and the panicking electric rat was being dragged to the entrance of the machine that would grind her down into disgusting User Soup to be served to the unsuspecting fish outside. All seemed lost, and SMB and Stoob could only watch in horror knowing they were next. It was over... Packy would never be found, Christmas would never be saved, and the three's grand adventure was finally coming to a close in the most grotesque manner possible... it was the end.
Except no! Just as all seemed hopeless, the entire building began rattling, and the crowds outside began screaming...
Suddenly, an entire horde of birds, seemingly led by Toucan Sam, Rowlet, and Canary Mary, smashed through the building, all wearing scuba gear. Flying through the temple, they slowly began tearing everything apart; the walls, the cutlery, the employees that turned out to be robots (because no sane user would willingly work in fast food), before they finally found their way into the back room.
HUH?! Where did all these goddamn. Birds come from?!
Cheers luv, the calories 'ere! *tosses twinkie dynamite*
WhoA, how did you guys know where we were?!
Because I always follow my nose wherever it goes, remember?
The nose knows!!
*chirp* *rolls eyes*
Dammit! This is all you guys fault! First my great show, now my. Great food restaurant?! How many times must my life. Be ruined by such ungrateful users?!
Shut up, you mindless puppet!
Shoulda stripped us down before leading us back here, ya wanker!
*kisses knife* Baby, you never let me down.
This is a disaster! Fine, if I can't have nice things. Neither can you! Say goodbye to your precious. Treasure, you fools!
SonicMario pulled a key out of his pocket, and rushed to the opening for the grinder machine, cackling maddeningly the whole way. When he finally reached the grinder, however, he noticed his key had gone missing.
Wha...? Where is the key?!
*chirp* *sassily waves key*
HNNNG! Abort! Abort! Escape to the bathysphere!
Wait, stop right there! Oi, you lazy tossers, chase after him, we'll need that thing to get out of here!
I'm on it! *CRACK*
OW! Alright, who stepped on a crack?!
Dude, you're mAle!
Clearly, you don't understand Yoshi biology.
Welp, he's gone...
So long, suckers! I'll be back, with even more. Great User Soup ideas, just you wait! I will give you credit for. One thing, though. Friendship is certainly NOT magic. Between you three.
Pffft, who needs friendship with a nose this glamorous?
Said like a true poet, my good friends!
You're welcome, by the way. Looks like our work here is done.
WAit, why did you guys even come here, AnywAy?
I didn't want to, but these two insisted they had a debt to repay...
Well thAnks for thAt, but now we hAve A problem... now thAt SonicMArio took the escApe pod thing, we're stuck here...
Oh don't worry about that! We brought some spare scuba suits for you three, getting out of here should be a breeze if you ride on us!
Wait, lads. We forgot about the treasure... didn't that creep have a key?
Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get our just desserts for this horrible experience!
This is by far the best thing we've been sent to find yet.
It was a glorious, perfectly cooked, still-warm lobster, still completely in-tact without any blemishes or signs of consumption. It looked positively perfect in every way.
With the exhausted and injured trio propelled back above to dry land, they were eager for their quest to finally reach its close. They finally received a few minutes for a respite, during which time, Stooben laid on the ground to favor his back, Dippy cursed under her breath over the Nickelback shirt, and SMB held his breath and strained in an effort to make himself become three-dimensional again. Their new avian allies were nearby preening and ridding their feathers of moisture. The group's break came to an abrupt halt when another transmission came through on the walkie-talkie. Somehow, it was still working even though they had been underwater.
Seems you all have had quite a day. I imagine your efforts have shaved a few years off your lives.
Ugh, aren't we done yet? What do you want now?
Seriously, this circus needs to end!
Sorry, these riddles are starting to become second nature to me. I should watch what I say to you, I can tell I'm starting to tick you off.
Don't worry, you'll be clocking out soon enough. Are you listening to what I'm saying? I spent a long TIME actually putting all these words together.
Wait..."day", "year", "second", "tick", "clock"..."time"... Yeah, I got nothing.
Jesus, did I hit you that hard? He's telling us to go to the Temple of Time, Genius.
We have a winner!
So, what, are we supposed to get you an egg-timer or something there? You realize I could probably just swallow a wristwatch and hatch one of those myself, right?
You're not retrieving anything there for me this time. You will find, however, one of your friends. The big guy.
No. The really big guy.
Packy! We'll find Packy at the Temple of Time?!
Assuredly. Also tell your wafer-thin friend to stop holding his breath. He's turning as blue as you.
Oi, what about me? I'm blue too!
...Actually, right now, you're pink. Now, hurry up! Your friend is waiting, and I'm getting hungry...
Would you say you're starting to feel week?
I Am Actually tAking a breAth, just to tell you to stop, Stooben.
Seriously. He's not even listening.
Sorry. I was in the moment.
With Stooben temporarily knocked unconscious with the butt of Dippy's knife, SMB and Dippy asked their feathered friends to help them out one more time. The birdies obliged, and flew the trio a great distance to an ancient temple, Isengardian in design. At the very top of this desolate temple, a huge purple mass could be seen sitting down. Sure enough, it was Packy! He had been here at this temple the whole time!
The birds let the trio off at the top of the temple, allowing them to reunite with their dear friend. Though they had not yet located Santa, seeing Packy after all this time was reward enough.
PAcky! We've looked All over for you! Are you Alri—
WAIT! JUST GIVE ME A GOSH DARN MINUTE, SHEESH! ┏(;ﾟロﾟ)┛ I'VE ALMOST GOT THIS BLASTED THING FIGURED OUT... stupid colors keep getting in my head, thinking they can hypnotize me... but I'LL SHOW THEM! ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)
What are you prattling on about?
Packy spun around and opened his hands, showing the group a colorful, cubic object within his palms. It was a Rubik's Cube.
OK LISTEN THIS THING HAS BEEN DRIVING ME NUTS AND I'M ONLY THREE SQUARES AWAY FROM DEFEATING THIS MONSTROSITY AND ERASING ALL MATHEMATICAL EQUATIONS FROM MY VERY NARROW MIND, MWAHA... er... so please, don't bother me! I'm almost finished with this thing forever! ヽ( ◕ヮ◕)ノ
You mean to tell us you've spent this whole time fondling a puzzle box? A mathematical game cube? ...I feel like I could die.
I can make that a reality, you know.
As the trio bickered over Stooben's...punctuation, Packy finally solved his colorful cube of twisty fun. All six sides of the cube were now solid colors. Packy roared vociferously in triumph, though he unfortunately scared away the avian allies upon doing so. The quartet of users were now stranded atop the preposterously high tower, with seemingly no way of getting down.
Seeing Dippy and SMB becoming visibly angered by this new scenario, Packy quickly held out his Rubik's Cube and made a suggestion to ease the tension.
It's summer, so I'm reviewing someplace summery this time. Hmmm... where to go, where to go, where to go... Not somewhere else in Super Mario Sunshine, I did that last month... Aha! I know!
Now, it's called the “Beach Bowl Galaxy” for a reason, though. It's shaped like a toilet, and those penguins look awfully suspicious... If you want to make sure that you're safe from penguin crap, stay away from the water. They might use this giant toilet bowl every once in a while. So, to avoid being crushed by Thwomps and swimming in penguin pee, STAY AWAY FROM THE WATER. Now that I've talked about the water, let's talk about the land.
Well, it's not the most interesting place. I mean, you can, uh, sunbathe! Mario needs some tan anyway!
So, let's give this my overall review.
Cyclone Stone (Rock Land): 0/10. You could die.
Beach Bowl Water (Toilet Water): 6/10. Pretty cool, but chance of penguin pee.
Beach Bowl Land (Toilet Seat): 7/10. Noting to do, but the most relaxing spot here.
Twin Fall Lake (The True Paradise): 10/10. Waterfalls and- wait, did I even cover this one?
Overall: gr8 job m8 I r8 it 8/8
Paper Mario: Recycled (With Footnotes!)
Uh…hey, guys. Um,…welcome to a very…”special”…edition of--
WELL, HOWDY THERE FOLKS! WELCOME TO A SUPER DUPER SPECIAL EDITION OF GAME CORNER! TODAY I AM FLATTERED AND ALL AROUND TICKLED TO BE WORKING WITH NINTENDO’S MARKETING TEAM ON THIS VERY…uh…I guess the word would be sponsored…yeah…i-it’s sponsored... 1
Anyway, thanks a whole lot to the marketing team. They’ve been a great help. They’ve been giving me a lot of advice on this, and were WAY more involved than one would have anticipated. *Chuckle* I-it’s almost as if they’re…like…forcing me to do this against my wi--
OMG the story in this game is just SO deep! So let me just tell you the main premise of this fantabulous work of art and tell me you don’t agree with me! So there is this plumber named Mario. He is an Italian immigrant living in Brooklyn, and somehow, he stumbles upon this magical world called the Mushroom Kingdom. He falls in love with the princess there, named Peach, and they begin to build a life together. Unfortunately, the ruler of a neighboring kingdom, King Koopa, has other plans. Him and the princess were once engaged to be married, but before the wedding day, he was turned into a terrible beast called Bowser. There was no way the princess would marry him after this. After this horrible heartbreak, he began to engineer these creatures for his “Koopa Troop.” With the help of a mysterious witch called Kammy Koopa, he was able to go on an epic quest to discover how to create life. But first, he had to collect the Six Crystals of Drachma 3, which were once used by a strange dinosaur creature called Yoshi, who in turn got them from--Do I really have to do this? I mean, this isn’t actually in the game. It’s just a bunch of lore that belongs in someone’s fanficti--
Oh, I can? Okay, thank you, sir.
What? All right, fine. Thank you, “Senpai.” 4
So, long story short, Bowser kidnaps the princess, and Mario has to go and rescue her. However, in order to defeat Bowser, he has to collect the Seven Stars of Recycling. Very unique idea, in my opinion. I don’t really think this has ever really been done. And it’s genius. Think of the heartbreak the main character experiences when his love is taken away from him. But he’s not powerful enough to do it by himself, so he has to become more powerful by finding mysterious relics. Incredible, really. Not one other game has any of these complex story elements. Well except these, but who would want to play any of that garbage 5?
So, just as everyone was hoping for, this game ignored the mechanics from the first two Paper Mario games, and instead opted for the much better Sticker Star style of play that EVERYONE just DROOLS over! However, they did bring back partners from the original games. Now I’m sure you’re all thinking to yourself “NOOOOO! Partners are STEWPID!” but fret not, my children! There’s only one partner in the game! “Yay!” you say, “That’s COMPLETELY different and better for some reason!” Yes, yes it is. Because this game can do no wrong. And this partner is ÜBER COOL! You should buy all of his merchandise. And his name is COOLUBBA!
And he has his own TV show called “Keeping Up with the Coolubbians” on the E! Network every weekday at 8:00/7c and I've neverevermissedanepisodebecauseILOVEHIMSOMUCHAND
(please call someone)
Sorry, I just love him SO FREAKIN’ MUCH! Wanna see my fanart? 6
As usual, the graphics are absolutely wonderful! Nintendo proves once again that the Wii U is undisputedly the most graphically enhanced system on the market! And the paper style is just beautiful! You see, the characters and everything are two-dimensional paper creatures, but the scenery is all three-dimensional. Actually, I’m pretty sure “PaRappa the Rapper” did something similar a few years before Nintendo even—I mean IT’S COMPLETELY ORIGINAL! Never has anything at all similar been done in the history of anything ever.
I love this game so much. I played it all the way through eight times in a row without stopping! I’ve played it so much that the entire game has just melded all together into one glob of fun! I haven’t slept in weeks!
What was I saying?
Who am I again?
I’ve also played this so much that I remember all of Coolubba’s quotes word for word.
You know, he’s such a big part of the game, I’m wondering why he’s not on the cover. I mean I have the case right here and—Wait. What’s that right there?
I didn’t notice that before…Let me zoom in on it…
Let me just increase the resolution and—oh…my…gosh…
Overall, this is the best game I’ve ever played in my entire life.7. You should definitely go out and buy this game. 8 I would definitely recommend it. 9 Don’t just order it online. 10 It’s much better if you go out and buy one.11 Actually, why don’t you go and get one directly from Nintendo themselves? 12 At these coordinates:
1”Sponsored” isn’t quite the word. It’s more like…”forced to be overly positive through blackmail”
3I’m pretty sure “drachma” is the name for Greek currency
5Have you ever seen that one movie, where that guy signals through the phone that something’s wrong by saying things he wouldn’t normally say? Yeah…me neither…
6I hate myself…
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