Welcome to the first Fake News of 2014 because January isn't really a month.
So, anyway, you may have noticed this new layout we have here. Pretty flashy, isn't it? At least, I hope we have a new layout, I'm not getting this wrong twice. :(
Speaking of :(, Pyro (talk) resigned from being the Travel Guide guy. We wish him luck for whatever he plans in the future. Well, I do, at least. I hope you do. Why wouldn't you? That's just unkind.
Anyway, with 18 votes, Yoshi876 (talk) and his Obituaries took the metaphorical cake. It also got Section of the Month, but it's the cake that matters. Our departing Co-Director Tucayo (talk) also gained his slice, with 11 votes going to the last Ask Tucayo, and Toadbert101 (talk) and his Fake Ads did something else related to this extended metaphor, with 8 votes.
So, that's all from me. If you couldn't be bothered to read it all, then TL;DR: 2014 Layout Pyro Cake.
News just in, though the report rocks they were carved on gave some of my definitely not ace reporters a concussion each, which was particularly nice of the rocks as I don't really care for either of them.
According to the report rocks, a notorious thief has once again been spotted lurking about the world this 14th of February. As youths were about to confess, they would intercept the moment and steal away one of the lovers, preventing the confession for an indefinite amount of time and breaking the heart of the remaining lover. This being has relentlessly gone far out of their way to find people on dates in restaurants, and poison their food, ruining the night as one or both of them would then suffer from food poisoning. Yet another instance of this was during a wedding of all things, where they would object to the marriage of two individuals and on top of that murder the groom.
Their motive? Broken hearts. Somehow this creature has developed a craving for breaking the hearts of people, and will go through any means in order to be sufficiently nourished with the feeling of doing so. It is unknown what this creature is, but an eyewitness and female victim of the marriage scenario has claimed they wore a furry black outfit that made them look like a Fuzzy, which alerts us of this chump's sense of humour and got me arrested and interrogated on several occasions due to my track record with such humour which I personally approve of.
Even other-worldly beings are not safe from this menace, as Zelda called our studio the other day and told us Link was sucker-punched and had all 20 of his hearts stolen from him while he was knocked out or possibly dead. When Zelda found his body, she found several empty bottles scattered around him with no trace of their contents. We believe the creature took off with what was probably heart potions, as they was nowhere to be found when I sent my servant Yoshis my masters who happen to be Yoshis sent me to the scene to investigate.
Interestingly enough, the latest gossip in Bowser's Castle involves our technically not heartless plunderer. Bowser is said to have feigned using the Star Rod to make his minion Tubba Blubba invincible by hiring this guy to liberate the heart inside Tubba Blubba. It is unknown how the heart escaped the jaws or teeth or whatever the contents of its mouth are of this cold-hearted creature, so it has been assumed the heart just happened to be a slippery thing and luckily a good enough bouncer to escape this being's clutches. We tried interrogating it, but its owner kept running away from us for some reason so for being uncooperative, we cornered him we gave up when the guy ran into Forever Forest and he started howling like a panicked wolf.
To this day, this thing has escaped capture, so we advise you to be a horrible person to everyone, as they cannot steal from those who are heartless.
Have you found your significant mother this Valentine's Day and share a birthday? If not, throw them on the streets and lose all contact with them, because they're either a skinflint penny-pinching kangaroo-killing moron of a man, or an arrogant money-eating nail-sharpening stereotypical jerk of a woman as well as a fraud. If so, it's probably too good to be true and you should lock them in your bathroom for the rest of time, but by chance it isn't, this is the cake for you.
Some of my scientists on the job have reported to me that this cake apparently will kill anyone who eats it alone, or at least that's what their dead cake-covered bodies seem to be telling me. Several more of my scientists also reported to me that eating it with anyone who isn't your significant other will also kill you, though the cake killed them as a result but we got it on video because they actually had brains. When eaten incorrectly, the cake forms holes that resembles eyes, and the holes begin flashing red, then firing powerful red laser beams (that are actually blobs of cake frosting) at the foolish fools who foolishly feed on it in a foolish fashion.
Alternatively, if you were in your local park last Thursday, you would've probably noticed a cake that resembles the Couple's Cake in a large humanoid terrorizing the park with its cake cannons of doom. That may happen if you somehow survive its provoked laser barrage and continue to eat it in the incorrect fashion. Interestingly enough, that very same day we noticed the cake monster hanging out with a strange soda monster with a soda sword and a soda shield, which may suggest the cake monster calls upon the soda monster whenever it reaches this stage of provocation.
Additionally, this cake seems to be quite the gentleman, as it will not allow males to take the first bite out of the cake, and only lets females do so. The poor yet hasty intern who was the victim and discoverer of this got viciously back-handed by the cake when they tried to take a bite first. Ladies first, as it'd probably say. Due to this being rather hard to do, it has only been rumoured that if this cake is eaten with the proper etiquette, another will be found on your doorstep next Valentine's Day. Unfortunately no one has lived to tell the tale of what happens when it does, so all in all I advise you stay away from this cake as it is a very dangerous lie and you'll inevitably die if you don't.
MC Ballyhoo finally died last night at the Star Carnival in a catastrophic accident, slightly fitting for the so-called “Master of Catastrophes”. His body was discovered by his hat, Big Top who happened to be there at the time of the accident, no surprise considering that he is Ballyhoo’s hat. In the interview he conducted with him he had this say “He was just goofing about after eating one too many candies, and he hit a lever onto himself. There was a massive noise, louder than Ballyhoo himself and then just pure silence, it was heavenly. I had heard people describe quiet before, but in the presence of MC Ballyhoo I had never experienced that feeling.”
The Star Carnival has been closed in the wake of the event, and music from the speakers can now be heard as Ballyhoo’s voice no longer obstructs them. Brighton and Twila were both asked to become the new hosts, but after another argument broke out between them the job was given to Tumble. The future of the Star Carnival does seem a bit shaky, but Mario and co. agreed to revisit, if only to experience what the Star Carnival is like without an extremely loud and annoying entity flying around.
Whilst the Star Carnival is quieter it has lost some of its charm without MC Ballyhoo, so in honour of his memory many people in the Mushroom Kingdom voted to erect a statue of MC Ballyhoo, although they unanimously voted for it not to have any speaking functions.
Hi there, and welcome to the February Issue of Ask Paper Yoshi!! I'm now fully recovered from that wisdom tooth removal, so let's get to the questions!! This month, I got a total of seven questions. Three of them were asked by TVTrash (talk) (Forum profile), while the other four come from our resident question guy, Koopartol Brick Block (talk) (Forum profile).
But, first of all, I need to take care of some pending business. As many of you might recall, I once left a Paper Mario question asked by Icemario11 (talk) unanswered. He had asked me which was my badge set-up for said game in the December Issue, but I wasn't able to answer the question then, since I was away from home, and thus had no access to my Wii. I had originally planned to answer it in the following issue, but was once again unable to do so, as my TV was broken.
However, it eventually got fixed, and I was finally able to turn on my Wii and actually check my Paper Mario badges for the final battle against some random guy. Here they are:
S. Jump Chg.
I guess I should explain why I chose those badges, so...
HP Plus, Feeling Fine and the two Damage Dodge badges are there to keep Mario as healthy as possible: the first increases HP, the second one protects the plumber from some status ailments, such as poisoning, and the other two increase the damage blocked by Mario's Guard by 1 HP each. Lucky Day is there for basically the same reason, except it deals, as its name says, with luck, making enemy attacks miss more frequently.
The S. Jump Chg., Power Bounce and Zap Tap badges, on the other hand, are there to deal damage and help finish off foes. The first one allows Mario to increase the damage dealt by his jump attack; the second badge allows Mario to use Power Bounce, a special jump attack that keeps bouncing on a single enemy until the action command is missed; and the third one electrifies Mario, causing 1 HP of damage to most enemies who physically touch him. It also prevents HP-draining attacks and allows Mario to jump on electrified enemies without getting hurt.
Lastly, the Peekaboo badge is there for pure convenience, as it shows enemies' HP without the need to use Goombario's Tattle.
Well, I guess that's all for Icemario's pending question, so let's get to the regular ones!
Firstly, TVTrash asks:
Have you ever played Supra Mayro Kratt?
I... have never heard of that game, to be honest, but now I'm really curious as to what it's all about. Maybe I should go look for it sometime...
Do you like asparagus?
Well, I'm actually not a big fan of the healthy green stuff (I'm slowly trying to get over that), so I wouldn't say I like asparagus, I guess.
Who's your 4th favorite character?
Uhhhh, who would come after Yoshi, Luigi an--wait, who's my third favorite anyway? I guess that'd be... Paratroopa? Yeah, Paratroopa. I used to choose him all the time on Mario Slam Basketball (Mario Hoops), and he is one of my favorite characters in Mario Power Tennis. Ok, now that I know my third favorite character, let's see who my fourth favorite is... Um... I'd say Mario is my fourth favorite character. I mean, he's the freaking hero of Mushroom Kingdom, and he's a cool character as well. So yeah, my Top 4 would be Yoshi, Luigi, Paratroopa and Mario.
Koopartol BB, on the other hand, asks:
This is KoopartolBB and this ti- [ERRO[ERRO]GUEST]EST[NAME]ERRGUESAME]ERR] dang it, I broke the sentence. Okay, here's the questions! (note to self, never say t-i-m-e on this date)
What kind of computer did you ACTUALLY set on fire a bunch of months ago? (was it made by Paper-apple or anything?...I don't even know what paper-apple even is)
Oh, it was just a plain old computer. No big de-- I mean, it was an amazing custom machine every staff member gets here at The 'Shroom. I mean, they don't give us crappy stuff to work with. No no no. Those computers are the most amazingest computers in all of the country! No, the whole planet!! Oh, and the Directors are the best bosses I could have asked for!! And I'm still waiting for my paycheck... I hate you all! Give me my money now!!!!!!
And, if you were more stupid, did you ever try to put it out with liquid medicine? Or water? Or soda?
I actually tried to use soda, as a matter of fact. Let's say it didn't go very well...
Also, what if the K, O, P, A, R, T, L, B, I, C, were missing on your keyboard?
No, not at all! I have a 10 Mb bandwidth internet connection both where I currently live and at my parents' house, and my 3G connection is pretty good as long as I don't go over my monthly quota, with download speeds of up to 4 Mb in most big cities.
Aaaaaaand that's all for now, everyone!! As always, please remember to send me your questions, and look for the answers in the following issue!! See you next month!!