The 'Shroom:Issue 163/'Shroomfest Highlights
Hello 'Shroom readers! With the Chickens vs Pigs 'Shroomfest behind us, it's time for 'Shroomfest Highlights.
The 'Shroom Staff had a lot of fun at Moo Moo Farms, some took the time to have fun with the different animals, while others like me took the time to try the racing track that was there. Who would even thought that there was something like this over there? We should do things like this more often in the future. Since my role as Statistics Manager allows me to have some control over the finances of the office, make sure that I will make sure that we travel more often and that we have the necessary budget for that.
I must say that this debate taught me a lot of things about chickens and pigs, and that you should absolutely not underestimate the power of Miss Piggy. Really, if didn't took the time to look at the debate thread, please read Epic Nitwit's post about Miss Piggy.
Below you will find several posts from our participants that we are highlighting in this month's issue, the results that will confirm which of the two animals will be considered the superior by The 'Shroom, and of course a message from the team leader from the winning team.
Now with that said, I have to find a way to understand what's going on with my handsome red hair which changes little by little to a stinky purple color, or why am I sometimes losing controls over my own body. It's almost like some unknown force is desperately trying to control me. Don't worry, I will surely find out somehow...
Have a good read!
—Ninja Squid, Judge
Buh-bawk? *dances funky chicken*
As much as I like live chickens and pigs, I'm going to chicken out for the eggsellent chickens. They're just really funny and intriguing creatures yet they wear what seems like a constant frown. Pigs are also intriguing too, but chickens are renowned for their versatility. Chickens don't require as much maintenance compared to pigs as they're smaller, lighter, and subsist by just finding whatever grub they can. They don't produce as much greenhouse gas and I don't think they make so much of a mess compared to pigs, like it's not as tiring to clean up after them. That's why I think chickens are much more widespread and people raising chickens is more common than raising pigs.
Chickens are badass. There's a featherless variety which, if you look past the weirdness and pink colors, you have to admit it's pretty cool especially when you consider that the chicken is the closest ancestor of the T-Rex. If anything, they're a good argument for dinosaurs in movies, particularly theropods, needing to be covered in feathers. What you see from a pig is pretty much what you get.
I don't know if pigs do this, and it'll delight me if they do, but chickens can run toward you in such joy if they see you coming home from school or work. Pigs do make for affectionate pets, but it's not as known that chickens can be just as affectionate and they'll even put their head on your shoulder as you snuggle them.
Aight, I'm gonna have to side with chickens on this one. Why? Is it just because the twins and Pitoi have hypnotized me to pay more attention to birds? Maybe. But I think I have a few actual reasons:
Chickens are funny. They go "cluck cluck cluck" and walk around and turn their heads suddenly and peck at the ground. They're just so quirky and silly in a way that pigs can't compare to (besides perhaps the oinking noise). Going off of that, rubber chickens are hilarious. Yeah, rubber pigs exist, but they are way less classic or well-known.
Wario has a hen that he cares more about more than money. Wario, arguably the greediest man on Earth, cares about his pet hen more than money. He even goes to rescue her sometimes. I just think that's really wholesome.
- As a sidenote, Wario is more similar in character to a pig and yet he has a chicken instead. I think that really speaks to the quality of chickens as a species that Wario would defy his inner nature to own and take care of one.
Speaking of Zelda, the chickens in Zelda are one of the most dangerous things in many Zelda games because if you attack them enough they will not only not die but will instead gang up on you and brutally murder you unless you enter a building or otherwise leave the area (though in BoTW they do let up before you actually die, but I think the developers wanted to have some mercy on you since there would be no escape otherwise due to the game's open-world nature). Yes, I know pigs attack you if you attack them in TWW as well but I don't think they usually murder you except for maybe the giant one. Basically, the chickens are much more iconic, are in more games, and are overall demonstrated to be a powerful force to be reckoned with.
- Oh yeah, and if you are nice and pick them up instead of attack them, you can actually glide long distances by jumping off a ledge. How cool is that?
Well that's about it for now. I hope I've helped to deliver a few more good points to add to the growing poultry population of arguments. In conclusion, if you want the team that's stickin', go Team Chicken.
BEFORE WE MOVE ON, I HAVE AN IMPORTANT FACT TO SPREAD ABOUT CHICKENS!
Did you know, that in the ancient times, during the prosperity of the one and only roman empire, there was a story that was passed down, involving a rooster? Rooster being, as it has been proven, chickens? Yes. Yes, you heard me. Chickens have a deeper significance than what you mortals can see!
You know how roman soldiers would march towards the battlefield? And like, that march was done on the road? So, picture this. You're a roman soldier, walking on the street, about to kill some enemies and get that juicy exp. You know, the usual gig. Well, picture this, you're walking, and all of a sudden, from the corner of your eye, what do you see? Two roosters, fighting over some seeds! Pleased by such a sight, you're rejuvenated just in time to do battle. Victory couldn't be more delectable from here!
Not only that, but other records point towards roman armies using chickens for battle forecast! Yes, you hear me right. Not only can they replenish a man's heart just by doing something as trivial as flapping their wings at each other, but they also acted as fortune tellers for the soldiers! For, if the chicken was hungry and ate all the seeds it was given, then that would mean that its appetite, comparable to a fighter's bloodthirst, was raging and sure to triumph. The roosters would also let out a prideful crow, signaling victory.
In conclusion, Chickens are powerful war-lords who are able to decide a battle's outcome just by being themselves!
Beat that, bacons.
I'm sure there are many examples of pigs in the media that I could bring up to you, like the lovable father figure Pey'j from Beyond Good and Evil, or the fearsomely evil pig known as Ganon. Perhaps I could compile them in a large list of largely unrelated bullet points like everyone here seems to be doing for all their points. But my friends, today I want to focus on quality over quantity. I want to focus on a particular pig, whose meteoric rise to fame has made her a lasting cultural hallmark, unrivaled by her chickenly counterpart. someone who is famous around the whole world, an icon in the fashion world, a breakout performer who only seems to look better the older she gets. today we're looking at...
Yes, that's right, my friends. Today's subject is none other than that prima donna pig, Miss Piggy!
While many like to talk about Miss Piggy's fashion sense, I'd like to take a moment to highlight her portrayal as a strong, feminine woman. Miss Piggy is well-known as someone stylish, a pig with a decidedly high amount of feminine charm, and yet, when I say she's a "strong" woman, I mean that quite literally: she's trained in karate, her chops and kicks really pack a wallop, and she's not afraid to use them to stand up for herself or her loved ones. But even still, despite being strong enough to bend metal bars, she doesn't seek to be an action hero, since that simply isn't her interest, instead focusing on her interests and pursuits, such as fashion and lifestyle, only using her strength when it's necessary. In an age where Hollywood is constantly being criticised for not being able to portray women correctly, Miss Piggy is here to show the world that women can be strong and stand up for themselves without sacrificing their femininity. (side note: if someone made an action-romance movie about fashion and karate starring Miss Piggy, I would definitely watch it).
Another great aspect of Miss Piggy's portrayal in media is the sense of realism that comes from her willingness to show us the flaws of her personality. In the various shows and movies she's starred in, Miss Piggy has been known to be self-centered, short-tempered, violent and rude... but really, aren't we all like that sometimes? No human being is perfect, and as critics of the character type known as the "Mary Sue" have constantly pointed out, a flawless character, female or male, is unrealistic and unrelatable, and therefore uncompelling. By allowing us to see her personality flaws, Miss Piggy is getting a vital message across to us: it's ok not to be perfect.
But the greatest example of her efforts to break down the unnecessary boundaries society has put up for us are clearly seen in her pursuit of the heart of a certain famous amphibian. "A pig and a frog cannot be together" says society. But Miss Piggy cares not for what society (or, incidentally, the frog) has to say, she cares what her heart has to say, and her heart belongs to that frog, no matter if they have come from a different culture, a different part of the world, or even a different species. Although, again, her personality flaws can be on display quite clearly when it comes to expressing this particular desire...
It's a waste of my time having to repeat myself, so pay attention once, mongrels. To the untrained eye, comparing chickens and pigs would be alike to apples and oranges.....but only the top 1 percent such myself are aware of the enlightened truth.
PORK! Until the day when the sun swallows the earth, the pig shall forever be the superior source of flavor! One of humanity's defining achievements is how many recipes they came up with from just one simple creature... Succulent ribs, sizzling bacon strips, tender pulled pork sandwiches, classic hot dogs....
Spicy sausages, delectable bratwursts, sensational ham, juicy pork chops, orgasmic tenderloin sandwiches, my GOD, may the options stop pouring down before I drown in a sea of all-consuming grease! And what can you say of the chicken's versatility? Fried? Grilled? Yeah, I thought that's all you have to say. You make me weep. And that's ignoring the sheer artform of preparing the pig for consumption; the Italians possess centuries-old cellars devoted to nothing but curing fine sausages, while in comparison, I've seen rusty latrines cleaner than certain fried chicken grease traps.
I am fully prepared to be deemed a heartless monster for not appreciating a pig or chicken until it's on my platter. But so what? We could go all day listing off cute little biological facts you found off a Snapple cap like who has the more hollow bones, who has the most efficient respiratory system, or who could piss the longer distance. But in the end, does any of that benefit us humans? No. Only in the kitchen may an animal demonstrate its true worth! And I declare that the pig is the worthiest of all farm animals! You may object to my facts as much as you like, but search your heart, and you will find out that my opinion is the path of culinary enlightenment!
Oh, I guess we're bringing Minecraft into this now. Very well.
While farming chicken for arrows is manageable, it is much more efficient to get your arrows from skeletons instead. I don't even have a skeleton spawner farm like Uniju, just a basic all-purpose mob grinder in my basement, and it produces arrows while I'm just standing in my house or doing other things. It's so much easier. So while you can make arrows out of chicken feathers, I'd be hesitant to imply that chicken are a primary supply source for arrows. Skeletons just completely outpace them (while also dropping bones as an additional bon(e)us).
Anyway, if we're really debating the merit of pigs vs. chicken in Minecraft, let me bring up some points in support of our pigtastic pals that have gone unmentioned so far.
Wh--? No! Not those useless, washed-up has-beens! Get that sad display out of here! I'm talking about real pigs!
Some advantages of the wholesome hogs of hell:
- They're pigs with attitude. Unlike their defeatist cousins from the overworld or chicken, they will not just roll over and accept their fate if you hit them. They will stand their ground and retaliate, showing their fighting spirit. That is respectable. Much oink, my man.
- They drop porkchops upon defeat, which is a big deal because it means they provide a renewable source of actual food in the Nether. This makes it possible to practically stay in the Nether indefinitely now, whereas previously you had to rely on food you brought, or rotten flesh drops from zombie pigmen.
- They also drop leather upon defeat, acting as a second reliable source of the stuff and wresting the monopoly away from cows/passive overworld mobs.
'Shroomfest results in, Ninja Squid out of ink
'Shroom Research Lab: The staff from the 'Shroom Research Lab worked very hard to send you the long awaited follow-up to the diary found in the lost archives. We would like to thank you for your patience during this time. Overall, Master Tactician Hooded Pitohui and his chicken supporters were desperately trying to find the lost chickens (and particularly the dangerous one) in the meadows, while His Majesty, the emperor Roserade I was waiting for the messenger who would announce that his plan concerning the Creepy Steeple bell would be ready to go into operation…
This pointless little battle, just to choose a simple animal unanimously lasted three weeks! That is crazy! I had to send letters to my friend, because of course, none of my tech was working there in those meadows in the middle of nowhere. I thought it had lasted long enough. In addition, no, I did not participate in the search for the lost chickens. Knowing myself, I too, would end up being lost. Roserade, or should I say, His Majesty, proposed that I should join his highly popular pig squad and be a part of his plan, which I refused without remorse. That is what they both get for daring to refuse to opt for a horse as the mascot.
In the end, maybe I should have accepted, because I was seriously starting to get bored. I am definitely not like our dear Statistics Manager. Speaking of him, while, Ninja Squid, who is usually enjoying watching a good fight to look at the flaws, and taking any tips for his future battles, was acting quite strangely over the last few days, and definitely did not have a good time. According to him, it was possibly a simple illness or perhaps being hit by too many shells along the races he did in Moo Moo Meadows got the best of him. However, even that would not explain how his hair changed to a purple color little by little. In any case, I chose to stop worrying about him, and took his words for granted. Instead, I took the time to observe the sky, and frankly, it allowed me to relax. It's always better than having to write editorials under a tight deadline. Also… well… not sure what to think of it, there was no way I could tell this to my mates over there without being made fun of, so, I supposed it's always better to write this on this personal diary where absolutely no one will ever put their eyes on… Therefore, I am sure that I actually saw three UFOs in the sky. It was pretty far away, but I am 100% sure that it was in fact UFOs. Were we in the middle of an alien invasion? I don't know, and that's when I was distracted by the imperial envoy who had a message for Roserade. From what I could see, it was very good news. It was from then that the fight between Hooded Pitohui and His Majesty took a rather disturbing turn.
Someone had installed a giant bell on the barn of the farm, which was making a terrible uproar across the farm. I still remember the complaints, but we certainly didn't expect what this bell could do...
Koops: Ouch! My ears...
Hooded Pitohui: Wait, what iiiiiis that bell doing there?
Lakituthequick: According to Quickbot, I can affirmatively say that there wasn't any bell on this barn.
Hooded Pitohui: Then, who installed that bell on the barn?
Lakituthequick: Sorry, Quickbot doesn't have an answer for that.
Koops: I bet it's the stinky swines that... Over there! Looks like there's someone on the roof.
Hooded Pitohui: It's too foggy, we can't have a good look at who it iiiiiiis...
Lakituthequick: I will do an analysis with Quickbot. We will find out in just a moment.
Quickbot: *COMMENCING ANALYSIS OF GENETIC DATA*
Quickbot: *ANALYSIS COMPLETED.*
Koops: Man, are you sure this machine of yours is working well? Looks like it needs a few updates.
Lakituthequick: All the necessary updates are done. I don't know what's going on... Quickbot are you sure it's, uh... Lakituthequick?
Lakituthequick: But... How...
Roserade: MWAHAHAHAHA! Looks like even a duplighost is no match for this machine!
Koops: Roserade! You are the one behind this, right? I knew it was the swines.
Hooded Pitohui: What do you mean by "duplighost", and what do you even intend to do with that bell?
Roserade: I can answer your first question for now, my dear Pitohui. Just take a look yourself!
???: Yuk yuk yuk!
Upon telling Hooded Pitohui to look at the roof where Lakituthequick apparently stood, a cloud of smoke covered it before revealing the true appearance of whoever was there.
Hooded Pitohui: Turboo! What are you doing there?
Turboo: I am working for His Majesty, the emperor. It's time for you to become pigs!
Hooded Pitohui: Wait... What!?
Koops: HAHAHA! As if you could turn me into a pig...
Turboo: Do you want me to try, Koops?
Hooded Pitohui: Explain yourself, Roserade!
Roserade: *sigh* Fine, fine! This bell, Pitohui, it's the Creepy Steeple's bell. I was able to steal it, thanks to some of my imperial troops I sent to Rogueport the other day to deal with a certain bothersome Pianta mafia located there. I was made aware of a bell that, combined with the power of a duplighost, was able to change people into pigs. Thanks to my overwhelming supporters, I was able to install this bell here. The only thing that was difficult was trying to install the bell on the barn, which is Team Chicken's HQ, without being noticed, but thanks to my luck, there was a duplighost among my supporters. I just asked Turboo to pretend to be a member of your team for a little while, and start the preparations.
Koops: That's madness! You are so evil!
Roserade: Coming from you Koops, I take that as a compliment. After all, we already settled on the fact that villains are superior to those filthy heroes!
Lakituthequick: You could at least fight fair and square!
Roserade: This is getting boring! Turboo, let's try the experiment... Start with Lakituthequick!
Turboo: Got it!
Lakituthequick: Wait! No! You ca--
Upon hearing those words, Turboo rang the bell, and a few seconds later, Lakituthequick did change into a pig. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was... It was completely insane. Turboo was actually able to change people into pigs with the Creepy Steeple's bell. Seeing this, I immediately tried to persuade Roserade that I would support Team Pig. I noticed some reluctance, but he was kind enough to accept, simply because I didn't show support to Team Chicken, and as long as I help Superchao in his janitorial duties, he was alright with me joining the pig supporters. Although I have been accused of treachery, there was no way I would ever want to end up turned into a pig. Not that I was afraid, but I worried more about the fact that I didn't know if there was a way to get back to my normal state. I bet Roserade himself didn't even know.
Lakituthequick: *oink* *oink*
Shy Guy on Wheels: Hey, I'm back, and... Wait a sec. This pig looks a bit like LTQ, don't you think?
Koops: Because it is Lakituthequick.
Shy Guy on Wheels: What? How?
Hooded Pitohui: Roserade and Turboo turned him into a pig!!!
Koops: This is unfair! I will not let you do this...
Roserade: Alright, then you are next. Turboo!!
Koops: NO, WA--
Koops: *oink* *oink* *oink*
Hooded Pitohui: NOOOOOO! KOOPS! My dear Koops!
Shy Guy on Wheels: Don't tell me the judge is letting that happen! That's enough! I won't tolerate such bias anymore... I'm going to tell him...
Turboo continued to ring the bell under Roserade's order, and everyone at the farm became pigs one by one, until Hooded Pitohui was the last man standing against pigs. I think I did well to support the pigs. And after all, pigs aren't that bad (yeah, really).
Hooded Pitohui: Roserade, you monster!
Roserade: I think you meant, Your Majesty. MWAHA!
Hooded Pitohui: Why do all thiiiiiis?
Roserade: Isn't it obvious? There was no way to convince you how great pigs are, even after all the words and arguments that I could say. You have continuously supported those awful chickens.
Epic Nitwit: Yeah, Roserade is right! Even Miss Piggy couldn't convince you, and that's pretty bad.
Hooded Pitohui: And you think that you are much better when you are also being stubbornly supporting the pigs? We are the same! Iiiiiif only I could have found that chicken. We could have had the upper hand...
Roserade: What nonsense are you talking about? Ah, it doesn't matter. It's time Pitohui. Time for a BIG CHANGE!
Epic Nitwit: Yessss! Go Turboo!! Do it for Miss Piggy!!!
Roserade: Enjoy your time as a pig, Pitohui, or should I say Pigohui! MWAHAHAHA!
Without any opposition, Ninja Squid, who was in a worse condition than earlier, had no other choice but to declare Team Pig as the winner. The competition also ended because of the unanimous decision that the new mascot for the farm would be a pig. While Rose and his team celebrated the victory, Ninja Squid and Superchao cleaned up the damage caused by this war with the staff of Moo Moo Farms. Nighttime was starting to fall and it was time for us to return to the 'Shroom's office. Although I don't like the meadows, I can say that I enjoyed this little trip, despite the unforeseen events. However, I can say that this trip will remain as one of the most memorable of my life. We rented a trailer to place all the team members who were changed as pigs, since Roserade didn't want to change them back immediately, and Turboo vanished after doing the necessary work.
'Shroom Research Lab: About a week after the animal war that spread over the meadows of Moo Moo Farms, the newspaper recieved thanks from the farm for their support in their contest. Moo Moo Farms also sent exclusive samples of their new products, along with a plush of their new Pig mascot named Petunia in the package His Majesty, Roserade was the most happy about it, and installed the plush as a decoration on his throne which he had installed in the Director's office not long ago. According to our research, Hooded Pitohui was still a pig at that time. Roserade was looking for a way to put him back to his normal state, since he hadn't thought of a plan for it.
Looking at the future, and by winning the war at Moo Moo Farms, His Majesty Roserade I, was able to expand his influence across the regions. Roserade's Empire was becoming more and more powerful over time. We noticed in our documents that with the troubles that Roserade's Empire was experiencing with the Pianta Syndicate, he was able to gain popularity among the members of the Robbo Gang, which was Pianta Syndicate's rival. According to some sources that we are trying to confirm, it would also be possible that some members of the empire was also part of the Robbo Gang. The 'Shroom Research Lab will try their best to untangle the mysteries of the dark side of Roserade's Empire.
A week later, the directors at the time, and the Statistics Manager held a remote meeting in order to maintain the peace inside the newspaper, but for some strange reason, the Statistics Manager began to speak an extremely mysterious language, and suddenly all communication with him was cut off… An audio recording of those events was found, thanks to our extensive research. The 'Shroom Research Lab is currently investigating the source of this problem. You will be informed as soon as our report is completed.
Ah, another beautiful day in The 'Shroom offices. I must say, this throne looks absolutely lavishing with the Petunia Pig plushie attached. Isn't she just the cutest little mascot?
As always, I must extend my thank you's to my allies in the field. It is through your hard work and dedication to our cause that Team Pig managed to secure the win. You all have done Moo Moo Farms a grand service on this day. This evil monarch's win record is now 2-0, and I'd like to keep that streak alive! Make sure to tune in to our December issue of The 'Shroom to see what 'Shroomfest we have brewing next, and make sure to join Team Roserade! It'll been a fantastic time, I can guarantee it.
I'd also like to thank anyone who participated in 'Shroomfest this month, whether you be Chicken or Pig. It's always a wonderful thing to see our community members coming together, and the responsiveness of the 'Shroomfest participants has cemented 'Shroomfest as a new community event. Whether you made a simple endorsement, a lengthy argumentative post, or a fun meme, your contributions are much appreciated. If you have any thoughts, feedback, or suggestions you'd like to share, feel free to contact Ninja Squid (talk), Hooded Pitohui (talk), or myself, on any platforms, including the Boards and Discord. We'd be more than happy to hear from you!
Still, for now, let us revel in the swine divine!
—Roserade, Leader of Team Pig
|The 'Shroom: Issue 163|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • 'Shroomfest Highlights|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing|