The 'Shroom:Issue 148/Fake News
What's up everyone welcome to another fun edition of the Fake News, I'm MCD and I don't have much time here. In fifteen days you will be sent a package containing instructions on where to find the Fountain of Fake News. It's where we get all the stories from. I know fakeness isn't like a tangible thing but it flows from this fountain trust me. You will also receive the Key of the Jack Ruby - whatever you do, DO NOT insert this key into the treasure chest at the end of the Chamber of Restless Souls or else you'll trigger a booby trap. Instead, there is a four-digit code engraved on the side of the key which is written in invisible ink (thankfully the Well of UV Light is located nearby, which is a natural source of UV light). Insert that code into the ATM at the back of the room. Thanks for agreeing to do this, by the way - it's all pretty straightforward once you get past the Cobra of Josiah. Just make sure there's enough of its venom in your bloodstream to poison the mosquitoes and it'll be smooth sailing! It's too late for me but please, by all accounts, find the treasure before THEY do.
(Oh, also, Koops is taking a hiatus from the Travel Guide.)
Section of the Month
Hello 'Shroom readers! I am back from my dinosaur awareness course, with perhaps the most interesting thing I learnt there being that I myself am actually a dinosaur. Who knew that about Yoshis? However, it is with sadness that I learnt that one of my Yoshi friends sadly passed away while I was on my course. Perhaps Boshi might've lived had he also found out that he was a dinosaur.
Unlike most of us, who went extinct 65 million years ago, Boshi was still kicking around recently, although his career certainly went extinct back in the 90s. Sorry, but there is no way that open-toed boots would ever survive as a fashion trend.
Unlike most dinosaurs, Boshi did not die as a result of a meteor strike, instead this dinosaur died after a severe case of athlete's foot, caused by not only the amount of races that he insisted of running on Yo'ster Isle – think a worse version of Yoshi's Island but a better version than Egg Island – and his insistence on those open-toed boots which allowed the fungus to get inside his feet.
However, the other Yoshis living on the island didn't share my sorrow at Boshi's death, due to Boshi's insistence that he was the only one allowed on the racetrack, and since his death the Yoshis have been trampling all over the track almost rendering it unusable. “We thought about leaving Boshi a legacy, but seeing as he treated us like dirt, we saw it fitting to make his favourite racetrack the same,” one Yoshi told me.
Boshi's funeral was held during my dinosaur awareness course, but I have it on good authority that some people attended. However, no one has come forward to admit that they showed up there, and his coffin hasn't properly been buried yet. I'd do it, but I had to write this obituary from my office instead of Yo'ster Isle, plus my travel budget has been vastly reduced given last month's debacle.
Written by: Koops
???: Come on, do it... it's a clean shot!
???: ...What's the problem?
The queen's men are attacking!
FOOOOORM UP! SURROUND THEM ALL! DON'T LET A SINGLE ONE ESCA...
Fast forward something like an eternity later, Koops has paid the plant, the tin can, the cute doggo and the super sayian doggo, and is as always struggling to find something to do before the 'Shroom deadline is reached.
Ugh! Why. Does. It. Have. To. Be. So. Hard. To. Find. One. Location?!
Hello 'Shroom readers! Come closer, as I, the one, the only, clumsy but bold Koops ventures through various places to tell you about wether you should or shouldn't visit a certain location that happens to be... unknown to me at the moment because I... look listen this is only my eighth section, which sounds weird since I've been around for a long while, but yeah... it's just the eighth.
Well. You know... let's actually see how the proletariat wants me to move here. Not that I get suggestions often but...
Glitzville, you say?
Glitzville = Small island. Small island = Little work. Little work = I still do what I have to do minus the fatigue.
That's... PERFECT! Glitzville it is!
So... Glitzville! The floating plaza! People call it a town, but it's just a plaza. At least to me. But then again, it's me! There are absolutely zero homes or houses or apartments. The only thing that really counts as habitable are the fighters' rooms in the Pit, or if you really wanna go out of left field, the stands and stores, because coming here for work and going back to the surface of the Earth with only one single blimp doing all of the transport must be HELL!
Oh did I mention that the island is completely floating in the sky? Yeah. They told us there would be flying cars and a safer internet in the future, and this is what they gave us! I mean... progress comes in every way!
The main attraction of this place, of course, is the Glitz Pit! It's... it's the place where the big 'uns fight! Well... not all of them ARE big, in fact, the lowest ranking fighters are a buncha Goombas! You'd think they would step it up a bit, often being discriminated for their sizes and ability to be squished, prove they're more than that for once. Oh well... some things are better left unchanged, I mean think for a second... if a Goomba gets too powerful the universe might cease to exist, for all we know! All the undiscovered potential that humankind has yet to prove the potency of! I'm terrified just thinking about it!
Anyway, I just started talking about the least remarkable of all these competitors more than I should have. There's actually 23 currently registered names, and one of them, Mister Swoop, seems to currently be climbing the ranks while ALL the others are staying where they are, eventually falling to this one tenacious bat. In fact, he's so high up now that he only has the champion left to fight, a certain Great Gonzales™️, who seems to never be available. I wonder who that is anyway, and why they wouldn't show themselves. I mean it's not like they were busy saving the princess and kart-racing like Mario, right?
So, I guess if you really wanna compete here too, I gotta tour you on what you'll have to go through so you don't come back home crawling in a puddle of your own blood.
Starting out, you will be put here, in the minor league room. It's got a bed, it's got a toilet, it's got a long couch, and lockers, but ThErE's A cAtCh! Everything is broken! There's springs poking out of the bed! I guess you could say that this would encourage you to go climb up the ranks.
But... most people just ragequit after the loss of 1 HP, coupled with the fact that they are to stay here if they lose, so you can tell it's working. Like maaaaaaagic! I mean I guess it's keeping the rooms from getting oversaturated by low-tiers. It wouldn't be a good thing to have them all burst out of the window, especially since we're in the sky right now...
If you do manage to get to half of the ranking list, you will get awarded! You will get to stay in this slightly less shitty version of the minor league room... the major league room! It's like the former, but ThErE's A cAtCh! Nothing is broken! So yeah... however, fights do get tougher and tougher as you go on, so that compensates for the lack of bad furniture. Also, people in the major league have a tendency to get sent cake to them, and get poisoned because of that. GEE, I WONDER WHO COULD BE THE CULPRIT?
Speaking of the culprit... it would be a travesty to come here without talking to the king... or well... the one who USED to be king of the pit. Everyone, meet a guest I have paid specifically to come in my proximity... the Rocky Hock!
: You misspell the name of the fabulous Rawk Hawk? Well, I guess I should've seen that coming! My name is too godly for mere mortals to comprehend! Thanks for proving the point, unlike any other person who successfully said my name!
: Pffft... Like I lost... I was actually LETTING some people win because if I went full power, they would've exploded and my reputation would be ruined! Besides, those whiners won't stop whining until they win, so I had to end their crying! Even though everyone not Rawk enough to challenge the Hawk should just kick back and play Super Smash Bros. Ultimate in their tear-soaked rooms instead of getting a REAL beating!
: What the heck is that? Sounds like something that I... no, wouldn't just suplex the living wimpiness out of, but entirely wipe out into so far in the future that the explosion of the sun would occur in front of their very eyes. Of course, I would be around to witness that too, since I'm very visibly immortal, but yeah, you get the point!
Now with that pompously decorated dumbass out of the mic's wavelength, I wanna add that Rawk Hawk isn't actually third, but fourth on the pit.
Because a Baby Yoshi came in and screwed him over even more.
Anyway, I gotta also talk about little things because... there really isn't much around here...
See the blimp? It's in the shape of a Cheep Cheep! Cute, isn't it? It IS a bit derpy, but that's what sells the trick! And I guess now that I mentioned that blimp, it's time for me to climb up on it and say bye-bye to this place! I hope you didn't expect too much out of this section!
Oh what now, I'll just get myself a cup of juice, I guess.
This has been Koops from Travel Guide, signing off!
: Sothe, you don't have to fight this war if you don't want to... I heard your friend Ike is fighting for the laguz alliance, and I also heard he and his band of mercenaries were in the company of a very powerful sword-wielding turtle!
So... I hope you enjoyed this section, as much as it's decorated with "anime swordsmen" (FOR THE RECORD, PEOPLE, THEY DON'T ALL WIELD SWORDS). I know, you could say that... well... I may have blundered with this ol' one. It's just that... I don't have that much motivation to continue this section at the moment. It feels more like I need to make them so that you guys get a dose of me every month... except... it took forever for me to realize I had images to make.
I am not dropping Travel Guide, but I am putting it on hiatus right now. I will pick it back up in the future, and besides, I have requests on that now, don't wanna further disappoint the nice people who suggested things. However!
If things go right... you might still see me around the 'Shroom, let's just say. If things go right. Yeah... I got plans to keep you entertained.
See ya, everyone! This has truly been your friendly neighborhood Koops... signing... OFF!
What better summer activity could there be than watching television? No need to risk sunburn or heatstroke by going outside; you can stay inside and view your favourite fictional Mushroom Kingdom programmes. Truly the best way to spend a summer is to never go outside and just watch TV all day. And I’m here at TV Tomorrow to pick out the best three things you can watch tomorrow!
New: Paranormal Mysteries of the Mushroom Kingdom
Minigames for Charity
So, whether you like exciting dramas, amusing comedies, pointless daytime TV or simply something to watch out of the goodness of your heart, the Mushroom Kingdom has it all in the summer. Why would anyone want to go outside? Just set up camp in front of your television and enjoy the holidays. See you next time on TV Tomorrow!