The 'Shroom:Issue 141/Fake News
Welcome to the FINAL edition of the Fake News for 2018! I'm MCD as always and I hope you're having a great holiday!
Sadly, we bid farewell to Flavio ...er, Hooded Pitohui (talk), who's resigning from writing the Shop Scout. We wish him best of luck with the other sections and endeavours he's pursuing, and also thank him for writing a bunch of brilliant sections.
Generally this year I've been keeping my editorials brief - generally that's been a result of the large amount of work I've had to do for my degree, and for other commitments I have as well. I rarely talk about my real life in these - or at all on this website, actually - but this year I finished my undergrad degree, graduated and am now doing a postgrad degree. It's a lot of fun - though a lot of work as well.
I also saw a band, live, on a big stage. That was cool.
I'm very proud of what we've achieved as a section this year: we've had a ton of fantastic sections from new and old writers alike. Here's hoping we can achieve the same next year, and get more new writers in! If you like what you're reading here and are interested in signing up, check out this page to see what's vacant (though more than one person can write for the same section) and how to sign up. ALTERNATELY, if you just want to write as a one-off for any section, that's fine as well! The News Flush in particular is geared towards this.
Be sure to have a great new year, and we'll see you in 2019! whenever that is
Section of the Month
Looks like someone's invitation got "lost in the mail".
Foul play has been suspected today after clippings of an envelope with a red seal were discovered in a bin just outside Wario's house. While forensic teams are still working to piece the envelope and contents back together, it does bear a glaring similarity to the invitations generally sent to competitors in the newest Super Smash Bros. tournament.
The addressee of said letter is currently unknown. From what has been pieced together at this early stage, it seems their name begins with the letters "WAL". This could, of course, refer to a number of people: Wally/Waldo - famous hiding man; Walt Disney, owner of a few local theme parks; WAL 9000, the computer that Wario has installed into his house.
"I knew I should have had that bin emptied," lamented Wario, spinning a pair of scissors around in his fingers as if they were a pistol. "I don't even know how to use these things," he protested, holding them in both hands as if they were larger scissors.
Wario is CEO of WarioWare, a company that produces games and larger scissors.
Upon being asked if he remembed the original addressee, Wario responded, "Maybe they just sent ME a second one by mistake, because THEY can't get enough of me? WA HA HA!!" A representative for Super Smash Bros. denied this was the case.
So just who was the mystery letter addressed to? A man dressed in purple outside claimed it may have been him, but as soon as we set up our cameras to interview him he sort of...like...teleported away. Which is kinda rude, if you ask me.
Hello, 'Shroom readers! It's your friend Superchao, stepping into Fake News for an issue to bring you the vital information you need to know! Namely, the updates on the crimes and criminals of the Mushroom Kingdom. Well, have we got a big case for you!
Our first criminal of the day is Galeem, a strange being responsible for the recent eradication of all non-pink-puffball life on the planet. It took a while to figure out the proper statute, as when we attempted to charge Galeem with murder, they successfully argued that nobody was actually dead, simply transformed into a different state. We couldn't counter that, so we looked through the files, and eventually charged Galeem with kidnapping and unlawful imprisonment. This one held up in court, so we sent out our crack police team to arrest Galeem!
They've since all been vaporized and turned into spirits. So if someone could help us out by getting this situation squared away, that'd be really nice. On the plus side, Galeem destroying everyone means that we've been able to clear most of the old cases off the books, thanks to no longer having victims, witnesses, culprits, defendants... actually, the station's pretty dull now that all crimes have been negated by the simple fact that nobody's left except for Kirby.
We've still got a few other criminals you need to be on the watch for, assuming they recover from getting obliterated by beams of light. If you see any of Ridley, Ganondorf, or Bowser, please report them to your nearest surviving police officer. Do not engage them unless you're trained in Smashing, which includes such civilians as a tiny yellow mouse, a dog and a duck, an out of date robot... actually, y'know what? You probably can engage them if you want. Good luck doing so, though.
Oh, and if you see Yoshi, do the police a favor and tell him the tax fraud charge was a mistake. He's a good citizen.
Thanks for reading, citizens. We here at the 'Shroom Police Bureau appreciate your help!
Good evening, viewers, from MKBC6, with your weather forecast for the week ahead.
We are looking at quite a bit of snow this week, so have your shovels and fire flowers ready. Expect drifting snow with the high winds coming in from the North. We won't get any relief until late next week.
This month we are also bringing you a forecast for the Battlefield stage for your sightseeing and spectator trips.
As it turns out, Princess Peach may have had a point last time around burning those boards, as I am currently freezing my everything off as I deliver this obituary of Pompy, the Presumptuous. And apparently it's quite presumptuous to assume that my boss would at least give me some form of duffel coat as I headed out to the frozen DK Island. But I guess there are people out there with bigger complaints than me, like the family of Pompy.
The family were initially quite frosty when I approached them for comment, but their cold hearts soon thawed after I offered them some quite tasty fish; although they did disregard my advice that fish should be cooked before serving. Despite my peace offering, they only communicated with me in their mother tongue, and as Clapper the Seal died around this time last year, I was unable to use him as a translator. So, I'll just assume that they were sad about Pompy's death.
Pompy's cause of death has yet to be officially announced, but like most critics I managed to get a pre-release screening to the autopsy, although it was frowned upon when it was discovered that I had snuck my own sweets into the viewing. It was further frowned upon when I insisted that there should be a movie instead. Anyhow, Pompy's likely cause of death is the fact that he was wearing his helmet upside down. Most hats can be worn upside down, but in this case, it did look quite fatal.
Close friends of Pompy were unavailable for comment. Bashmaster, the Unbreakable had died several years previously, and the rest of the bosses had recently suffered embarrassing defeats to a pair of monkeys, and refused to speak to me. Some even ran away in fear, but I don't think it had anything to do with the monkey-fur duffel coat that I managed to nick from the mortuary.
Pompy's funeral will be held soon, and as per tradition he will be given a Viking funeral. Although how a group of sea lions became knowledgeable enough to conduct a Viking funeral I will never know. I will also never know why an underwater creature decided it would be an appropriate way to conduct a funeral as well, but maybe that's just another question for another day.
Written by: Koops
Hello 'Shroom readers! Come closer, as I, the one, the only, clumsy but bold Koops ventures through various places to tell you about wether you should or shouldn't visit a certain location that happens to be... unknown to me because apparently the next Issue is Smash-themed and I must do something ... oRiGiNaL!
I see you people liked my comeback two months ago, isn't that a true statement? I knew you would, you always do, and seriously, people, I couldn't wish for a better community than ours, it's really EPIC. And to think I've been visiting the website ever since five years ago... that's... crazy! EPICLY crazy! So anyway, I told you that well, since this issue is Smash AND holiday themed as it just turns out, I'm gonna be doing something original and rather... interesting.
I told you that I didn't even know what location was gonna
So instead, I went to ask some wizard with time powers to ask him to give me his sanctuary, but all I found was a pile of ash, on which were written the words "It was the only way, Mr Stark". On the bright side, the sanctuary was mine for the taking since no one seemed to be there anyway.
So now that it's all arranged, I am currently at the end of a hallway where sit three doors that lead me to O T H E R D I M E N S I O N S...
You mean uninhabited places of the world?
So guys, get this, since our Issue is Smash themed, I actually invited all Smash characters to pick the location for me instead! Wait, what's that, maybe they'll make me go into a deathtrap? Don't worry, I trust the people, I promised to pay them once we're finished anyway, so it's a deal!
Unfortunately, of all those characters I invited, only FIVE showed up! And... I wonder why...
My inbox history hacking skills reveal to me that you actually only sent emails to us specifically.
What... no... I... definitely did NOT send only five emails... they must've gone all to the same addresses for some reason then...
Didn't you know you could just send one email to multiple people? That's what I do when the mayor makes a public works project...
Oh, silly Koops! You keep bragging about your computer skills, look at ya now! Hehe...
So anyway, everyone, meet our guests for this month's issue: Piranha Plant, The Plant God, R.O.B., the Relentlessly Oiled Bot, ...
Actually, it is Robotic Operating Buddy...
... Ike, The Radiant Hero, Isabelle, The Mayor's Assistant, and lastly, Sir Aaron's greatest Companion...
...Lucario, The Aura Beast! Freshly brought from the dead! You don't know the trouble, the experiments, the pain I went through just to have him here! I mean I could've settled for any Lucario, but I had to go ahead and...
Stop being creepy, you're making me want to le—
No! No! Don't worry! It's over, and now we shall begin with what we were actually here for. Mr. Plant, it seems you got quite the fanbase right now.
Yeah I know I feel just as honored to have you here. Any place you think would be nice to visit for our beautiful readers?
Why thank you! Mushroom Kingdom district 1-2, yes, of course, recognizable thanks to this pipe that goes into the ground! That pipes up my interest, might I add!
This level is a classic, dating back to 1985's Super Mario Bros... but that game is too obscure for anyone to know, so I won't dwell on it. Anyway, why 1-2 and not 1-1? Easy. Actually I don't know, and it can't be the fact that Piranha Plants debuted in the level I'm in now, so what else can one say, huh?
As far as I can see, it's only pipes, blocks, pipes, pits, blocks, pipes, Piranha Plants, roblox, and more blocks until the last wall... something about that wall is peculiar though, as you can sorta... whoosh past it. Here, I'll proudly demonstrate, provided my skull doesn't commit intactn't as soon as I make contact with blocks. What were these made of again? Eh, at least it's not Bricks, right?
Well, as you can see, that took me to some underwater hellscape, but now I can't get out! Thankfully, the portal is still there if I wanna leave, so we can go back and dive into the next place!
Anyway, Sir, Commander, General, Lord, whatever should I call you...
Ah! Yes! Crimea! No, not that place that just got themselves into a conflict in 2014, this is Fire Emblem Crimea! Yes, one of many nations that form the Tellius continent, others being Daein, Kilvas, Phoenicis, Goldoa and the all powerful Empire of Begnion! That last one is Russia, I tell you.
Somewhere in the seventh century, Crimea was in a war against the mad King Ashnard, King of Daein, whose goal was to spread war and blood across everything so he could awaken a god sleeping in a medallion. Guy was a psychopath. Thankfully, it seems that literally the entirety of the rest of the continent was against him, so that's what you get for declaring a war against a weaker nation with a strong mercenary guy in it!
: Oh, good sir! You seek something? Worry not, about Crimea, I know everything! For I, Bastian, the great, the fabulous, am a child of Crimea and a loyal servant of the goddess! Whatever you may want, Bastian has i—
: Oh, why would you want to know that when the all-knowing Bastian stands in front of you, but have it your way! Crimea is the most beautiful flower of the Tellius bush, a most peaceful place! True, it has political problems at the moment we speak, but it has never declared war once against any other country!
: Thanks... Animal Crossing is a peaceful place, perfect to come to it for your vacation if you want to steer away from any loud city... trust me, I would come here just for that, if I could afford an entire house... of course, it may be needing some improvements, but with mayoral elections happening every year, YOU can make a change!
: Well yeah, I advertise all locations I visit... it's a thing! Even though most of the locations that already went under my radar started getting less and less visitors right after my visit, but you know...
: And again, if you feel like you're up to a task as important as being the mayor, don't be afraid to show yourself when the elections arrive! I will not waste time to show you around, and will wish you luck on the way!
: The tree of beginning is a stone structure that looks a lot like a tree, although it doesn't act like one at all... somehow, it and Mew, the mythical Pokemon, are connected and dependent of each other. I wonder how one of the purest creatures in the world got cursed with this connection, because as I said... this tree is an asshole...
: Yeah... that sucked... The tree is located in Sinnoh, to the north of Cameron Castle. There, in the valley, two Pokemon armies were at some point going to engage in a war, you just heard about that. Sir Aaron's sacrifice made him a hero to the people, and soon tales of his heroism turned into legend, as the centuries went by...
World 1-2: Iconic, and the first level to feature an underground theme! Despite a lack of features, it makes up for that with the best glitch and legacy! 7/10!
Crimea: Itself alone, it's a nice country, ruled by the fair and graceful Queen Elincia! Zero chance of discrimination (aside from maybe the senators) if you live there guaranteed, and a country always ready to help the righteous, and has Begnion on its side (but not at the time I and Ike traveled in). 8/10, would've been higher if it wasn't in the middle ages probably.
The R.O.B. Factory... NA/10, can't rate it without lying.
Animal Crossing: 10/10, it's even more peaceful than Crimea!
And lastly... Tree of Beginning: -5/10, it deserves to be obliterated, which is sad considering the location is nice, but screw that tree.
Christmas is almost upon us, and the swathe of festive television is taking over the TV channels. There’s not a lot of new stuff: it’s just drawn-out Christmas special episodes of everything and the same old films over and over again. Thank goodness that the recent launch of a new Smash Bros. mixes Smash-themed television in with the repetitive Christmas cheer. So, with the interesting juxtaposition of winter wonderland and physical violence, let’s get on with tomorrow’s best television!
Smashed: The Smash Bros. Story
Film: Smash Kong
That’s just some of the weird amalgamated Smash Bros-Christmas television on tomorrow across all Mushroom Kingdom channels. There’s a lot more, from the Yoshi’s Island Christmas episode to a thrilling one-off Smash Bros. game show hosted by Kirby himself. So there’s nothing left for me to say but Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, et cetera, et cetera. See you here at TV Tomorrow in 2019!
How to end this with spectacle? How to push beyond the investigative breakthroughs, the scandalous revelations? How to passionately demonstrate an unwavering dedication to the consumer’s rights by reaching beyond the sensational reports delivered over the past months by Flavio? These are the questions with which Flavio grappled in the course of researching a strange shop nestled in the fog and flora of Dimble Woods. Months ago, I would have dismissed the peculiar Brock standing behind this counter as a hermit, but my experiences have since taught me not to doubt the abilities and intellect of those entrepreneurs who choose to hide themselves away. His fascinati- nay- his obsession with blocks may make him seem an unsavoury fellow and undermine his dignity, but his diligent research into the properties of the world’s great variety of blocks underlies his genius. Yes, Broque Monsieur, surrounded by mischievous Blitties like an elderly gentleman working through issues of loneliness, has awed Flavio. Broque has worked over several years to silently positioned himself to take advantage of the grandest business opportunity in the Mushroom Kingdom’s history. But Flavio outpaces the natural progression of the story. In order to explain what it is that I have stumbled upon in these woods, I must guide you through my investigation into the most enduring mystery of the realm’s business community.
Pondering over subjects for this month’s report, Flavio uncovered an old news story. Widely reported at the time and receiving continued but more sporadic coverage in the following few years, the story of the strange merchant captivated the public and shook proprietors to their core. A mysterious peddler went about the world, seeking out shopkeepers and businessmen to dupe into buying worthless Brick Blocks. Though many spoke to this peddler when he barged into their homes and businesses, for inexplicable reasons no single clear description of the figure emerged. Dubbed a “Freak” by the media, the only of his traits that all eye-witness descriptions could agree upon were his hat, cape, and magical staff. At one period, evidence seemed to point towards the notorious miscreant Waluigi, but a thorough investigation by the authorities after his arrest acquitted him of guilt. Those who purchased the enigmatic peddler’s Brick Blocks reported that he possessed an unusually persuasive personality; all who spoke to him felt an overwhelming need, as if compelled by magic, to purchase great numbers of his Brick Blocks even as they maintained their skepticism. Against their better judgement, many business owners drove themselves to ruin buying for a premium hundreds of Brick Blocks that, being so common and completely without use, they could sell for only ten coins at the most. Even those who were able to escape insolvency found their storerooms and display shelves packed with Brick Blocks that they were often unable to even give away. Flavio shudders at the memory of the scare… As a tradesman, I work with a complex network of employees and associates who bear some responsibility for purchases, sales, and inventory management under my authority. While Flavio possesses the aptitude and good sense to avoid such a figure if they were to come around, risks remained. I announced a policy expressly forbidding my personnel from speaking with anyone matching the description of the peddler. Those years were dark, and entrepreneurs had much to fear. After some time, though, new reports of the peddler’s appearance at businesses slowed before halting altogether. Most likely, Flavio conjectures, he grew bored once his loathsome tactics amassed him a fair fortune. Aside from the occasional reappearance of the story in the tabloids, the memory of the peddler has faded from the mind of the general public. Since then, those who had been left the owners of thousands of Brick Blocks were able only to sit on their share of the stock and hope that someone with little sense would come and purchase or take the foul assets. Or, Flavio ought to say, that’s how the situation was left until recently.
In my research, I uncovered a report in a small-town newspaper regarding a sale at Toadofsky’s Store. The report intrigued Flavio, for it made mention of the peddler from years ago but dated back only a month. Apparently, Toadofsky marked down the prices of all items in his shop for the weekend in celebration of a milestone for the business, an event which the local newspaper advertised for the benefit of its readers. As it turned out, the venerable fungus’ milestone was closely connected to the very story with which Flavio was so engrossed. Toadofsky, as anyone who has long kept abreast of the news will recall, was one of the shop owners victimized by the peddler years ago. During the week of the sale which the newspaper publicized, the last Brick Block in Toadofsky’s Store had been purchased; more to the point, a single customer had purchased every Brick Block that the former composer had up to that week retained. Sensing the beginnings of a story of unrivaled importance, Flavio resolved to visit Toadofsky’s Store and question the owner. Though he would not divulge the name of the customer who purchased the Brick Blocks out of respect for consumer privacy (an admirable trait in any respectable man of business), Toadofsky provided enough information to point me in the direction of Wall-Mart, a chain store which aims to service Thwomps and their lithophilic relatives. Here Flavio found the story had repeated itself. After storing them for years, Wall-Mart sold its entire inventory of Brick Blocks to an eager customer who arrived only two months prior to my visit. This customer had apparently walked in one day and asked to purchase all the Brick Blocks which the Thwomps possessed. Using information from the stone creatures, I was able to find and visit store after store where, over what turned out to be the course of two years, a strange individual arrived to purchase for a handful of coins their collections of Brick Blocks. After over thirty interviews, I had acquired enough information to be certain of two things. First, the purchaser was the same individual in every instance. Secondly, he was intentionally spreading out his visits to these stores and refused to provide more information than necessary to the shopkeepers he visited. Flavio was suspicious. This individual sought to keep his activity quiet, but for what reason? Unfortunately, most shopkeepers, all too eager to sell off the physical evidence of their failures, asked few questions of the individual. I was able to ascertain, however, that the individual was a Brock, ran a shop in Dimble Woods, and spoke with a French accent. Flavio knew he was on the cusp of a discovery incomparable in scope. Flavio alone possessed the skills and information necessary to expose the plans of this Brock, whether malicious or benign. Bearing this responsibility, I set off to Dimble Woods, unsure of what man or beast might confront me.
After a long trek through the trees and dense undergrowth, I came up a small stall, clearly the shop for which I was searching, in a clearing. As I approached, a large block-like dog rushed at me, snarling and growling. It could have ended poorly, but Flavio was prepared. Unwilling to again be taken by surprise during the course of an expedition as happened in the Golden Pyramid, Flavio packed a selection of items to escape tight situations. I quickly dispatched the dog with a Sleepy Sheep. Fearing additional resistance but recognizing the need to move along before the item’s effects wore off, I approached the counter. Though Blitties raced about the clearing, I had nothing to fear from the skittish creatures. Flavio feared but one thing, that this Brock standing with back turned to the counter would be hostile. I deliberated the best approach to take, but, to the shock of Flavio, the Brock called out with a friendly greeting. Introducing himself as Broque Monsieur and apologizing for his unruly dog, Broggy, he welcomed me as a customer and offered his services.
As it turned out, Broque was quite an amenable fellow. He withheld nothing as I asked about his purchasing of Brick Blocks. With Broque so cooperative and forthcoming with information, I confessed to him that I planned to take his story to print. Flavio, a respectable entrepreneur and journalist, must, after all, repay honesty with honesty. Though, even had Broque been less compliant during the round of questioning, enough of his plans were set in place that no amount of reporting would disrupt his endeavors. As I discovered, Broque had intentionally spaced out his purchases over the course of two years, fearing that attracting attention too quickly could undermine his plan. Broque, an avid collector of blocks, had long studied their properties. He was eager, perhaps too much so, to educate Flavio on the properties of a great variety of blocks. In the Mushroom Kingdom, yellow blocks, adorned with interrogative marks, are often used for item storage. These blocks have magical properties that allow them to miniaturize and store items as large as Mega Mushrooms, a fungus which should not reasonably fit within a small block. While these blocks are common enough that even an uneducated citizen could recognize them, it is rare for most to see more than a half-dozen in their lifetime, barring adventurers such as Mario, of course. As such, anyone wishing to use them for storage and transport of items finds that these blocks are prohibitively expensive. Compounding this, they only have enough magical energy for one-time use; after releasing their contents, they become Used Blocks, much to the consternation of enthusiasts such as Broque. Yet Broque, who has studied this miniaturization magic in great detail, refused to give up on the idea of item storage and transport in blocks. Broque researched and laboured for years before stumbling upon a groundbreaking discovery. Common Brick Blocks, scattered all about the Kingdom, have long been believed to be useless, but Broque was intrigued by reports that some Brick Blocks were found to contain coins and, after being emptied of their contents, turned into Used Blocks. Probing these unusual Brick Blocks, Broque found that all Brick Blocks possessed the same latent magical energy which filled their yellow counterparts, only in far smaller quantities. Those which naturally contain coins simply possessed more of this energy by statistical chance. Possessing a Vacuum Block, which was packed with the magical energy of miniaturization and gave its owner the ability to manipulate miniaturization energy in a controlled manner, Broque performed experiments on a nearby set of Brick Blocks. Drawing forth their latent energy with the Vacuum Block, Broque discovered that he could force Brick Blocks to store an item for a one-time release. Broque had stumbled upon a way make storage and transport of items significantly cheaper by using the common Brick Block. Combined with his patented Shop Block, which could teleport small physical objects like Spicy Drumsticks and Brick Blocks, Broque’s modified Brick Blocks could revolutionize item transport and disrupt entire industries. To ensure himself a monopoly on the technology, though, Broque set out to purchase every Brick Block left behind by the mysterious peddler from years ago. As plentiful as Brick Blocks are and with as many as he had purchased for one coin each or received for free from grateful shopkeepers, Broque can sell each of his modified Brick Blocks for a paltry five coins each and still profit handsomely, making up for a small profit on each individual sale with a great volume. Adding the profits he could make from renting Shop Blocks to towns and businesses to facilitate the transport of his Brick Blocks, Broque stands to build one of the largest fortunes in the Mushroom Kingdom.
Upon hearing his full story and reading over his detailed plans, Flavio was left in a stunned silence. But, as I have emphasized before, it is necessary that an entrepreneur keep their wits about them so that they may seize opportunities before they pass. And seize Flavio did. I leapt at Broque with an offer of assistance. After all, while Broque’s plans were undoubtedly sound, he was not yet an established name in the business world. Surely, Flavio reasoned with him, he would need a partner with a great deal of prominent connections and an established distribution chain that could serve as the foundation of his rise. Broque eagerly agreed to partner with me, eager for the assistance and guidance which Flavio could provide. Of course, such a project requires my full attention. For that reason, Flavio must end his tenure as a Shop Scout. While it has been an honour and a pleasure to serve the public and champion the rights of the consumer, I am in my heart a man of business. Do not fret, though, for Flavio returns to business with a renewed passion and a newfound sense of responsibility. Flavio and reader alike have confronted scammers, geniuses, philosophers, and all other breeds in the world of business over these few months. If I have done my job, a proposition which the successes on Flavio’s past record makes highly likely, readers have likewise left with a new appreciation for the honors and duties of an entrepreneur. As for those out there who would stoop so low as to defraud the public and in doing so dishonor the respectable name of the shopkeeper, though... Flavio hates you all.
|The 'Shroom: Issue 141|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Director Election • End-of-the-Year Awards|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner• Strategy Wing|
|Specials||It All Started With Melee • The Holiday 'Shroomfinity Scavenger|
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