The 'Shroom:Issue 141/Fake News
Editorial
Welcome to the FINAL edition of the Fake News for 2018! I'm MCD as always and I hope you're having a great holiday!
Sadly, we bid farewell to Flavio ...er, Hooded Pitohui (talk), who's resigning from writing the Shop Scout. We wish him best of luck with the other sections and endeavours he's pursuing, and also thank him for writing a bunch of brilliant sections.
Generally this year I've been keeping my editorials brief - generally that's been a result of the large amount of work I've had to do for my degree, and for other commitments I have as well. I rarely talk about my real life in these - or at all on this website, actually - but this year I finished my undergrad degree, graduated and am now doing a postgrad degree. It's a lot of fun - though a lot of work as well.
I also saw a band, live, on a big stage. That was cool.
I'm very proud of what we've achieved as a section this year: we've had a ton of fantastic sections from new and old writers alike. Here's hoping we can achieve the same next year, and get more new writers in! If you like what you're reading here and are interested in signing up, check out this page to see what's vacant (though more than one person can write for the same section) and how to sign up. ALTERNATELY, if you just want to write as a one-off for any section, that's fine as well! The News Flush in particular is geared towards this.
Be sure to have a great new year, and we'll see you in 2019! whenever that is
Section of the Month
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | TV Tomorrow | 47 | 70.15% | Quizmelon |
| 2nd | Obituaries | 16 | 23.88% | Yoshi876 |
| 3rd | Shop Scout | 4 | 5.97% | Hooded Pitohui |
Written by: MrConcreteDonkey (talk)
A CUT FROM THE ROSTER?
Foul play has been suspected today after clippings of an envelope with a red seal were discovered in a bin just outside Wario's house. While forensic teams are still working to piece the envelope and contents back together, it does bear a glaring similarity to the invitations generally sent to competitors in the newest Super Smash Bros. tournament.
The addressee of said letter is currently unknown. From what has been pieced together at this early stage, it seems their name begins with the letters "WAL". This could, of course, refer to a number of people: Wally/Waldo - famous hiding man; Walt Disney, owner of a few local theme parks; WAL 9000, the computer that Wario has installed into his house.
"I knew I should have had that bin emptied," lamented Wario, spinning a pair of scissors around in his fingers as if they were a pistol. "I don't even know how to use these things," he protested, holding them in both hands as if they were larger scissors.
Wario is CEO of WarioWare, a company that produces games and larger scissors.
Upon being asked if he remembed the original addressee, Wario responded, "Maybe they just sent ME a second one by mistake, because THEY can't get enough of me? WA HA HA!!" A representative for Super Smash Bros. denied this was the case.
So just who was the mystery letter addressed to? A man dressed in purple outside claimed it may have been him, but as soon as we set up our cameras to interview him he sort of...like...teleported away. Which is kinda rude, if you ask me.
Hello, 'Shroom readers! It's your friend Superchao, stepping into Fake News for an issue to bring you the vital information you need to know! Namely, the updates on the crimes and criminals of the Mushroom Kingdom. Well, have we got a big case for you!
Our first criminal of the day is Galeem, a strange being responsible for the recent eradication of all non-pink-puffball life on the planet. It took a while to figure out the proper statute, as when we attempted to charge Galeem with murder, they successfully argued that nobody was actually dead, simply transformed into a different state. We couldn't counter that, so we looked through the files, and eventually charged Galeem with kidnapping and unlawful imprisonment. This one held up in court, so we sent out our crack police team to arrest Galeem!
They've since all been vaporized and turned into spirits. So if someone could help us out by getting this situation squared away, that'd be really nice. On the plus side, Galeem destroying everyone means that we've been able to clear most of the old cases off the books, thanks to no longer having victims, witnesses, culprits, defendants... actually, the station's pretty dull now that all crimes have been negated by the simple fact that nobody's left except for Kirby.
We've still got a few other criminals you need to be on the watch for, assuming they recover from getting obliterated by beams of light. If you see any of Ridley, Ganondorf, or Bowser, please report them to your nearest surviving police officer. Do not engage them unless you're trained in Smashing, which includes such civilians as a tiny yellow mouse, a dog and a duck, an out of date robot... actually, y'know what? You probably can engage them if you want. Good luck doing so, though.
Oh, and if you see Yoshi, do the police a favor and tell him the tax fraud charge was a mistake. He's a good citizen.
Thanks for reading, citizens. We here at the 'Shroom Police Bureau appreciate your help!
Good evening, viewers, from MKBC6, with your weather forecast for the week ahead.
| Day | Predicted | Temperatures | Forecast | Chance of Precipitation |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Monday | 
|
High: 14 Low: 5 | Cold and windy with snow showers starting early. Expect 1-3 inches of snow. | 100% |
| Tuesday |
|
High: 15 Low: 3 | Snow showers continuing into late evening. 3-5 inches of snow expected. | 100% |
| Wednesday | 
|
High: 12 Low: 4 | Snow ending early. Winds gusting at times. | 60% |
| Thursday |
|
High: 13 Low: 4 | Breezy and cold. Slight chance of snow overnight. | 20% |
| Friday |
|
High: 10 Low: 3 | Snow showers starting early in the afternoon. Expect 1-3 inches. | 90% |
| Saturday |
|
High: 11 Low: 2 | Snow continuing overnight. Gusty winds and very dry. | 100% |
| Sunday |
|
High: 10 Low: 2 | Snow stopping early. Expect a few short glimpses of sunlight. | 10% |
We are looking at quite a bit of snow this week, so have your shovels and fire flowers ready. Expect drifting snow with the high winds coming in from the North. We won't get any relief until late next week.
This month we are also bringing you a forecast for the Battlefield stage for your sightseeing and spectator trips.
| Day | Predicted | Temperatures | Forecast | Chance of Precipitation |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Monday | 
|
High: 60 Low: 45 | Normal stage conditions. | 0% |
| Tuesday |
|
High: 60 Low: 45 | Poisonous fog. | 0% |
| Wednesday |
|
High: 60 Low: 45 | Poisonous fog. | 0% |
| Thursday |
|
High: 60 Low: 45 | Normal stage conditions. | 0% |
| Friday |
|
High: 60 Low: 45 | Heavy fog. | 0% |
| Saturday |
|
High: 60 Low: 45 | Heavy fog. | 0% |
| Sunday |
|
High: 60 Low: 45 | Normal stage conditions. | 0% |
Pompy
As it turns out, Princess Peach may have had a point last time around burning those boards, as I am currently freezing my everything off as I deliver this obituary of Pompy, the Presumptuous. And apparently it's quite presumptuous to assume that my boss would at least give me some form of duffel coat as I headed out to the frozen DK Island. But I guess there are people out there with bigger complaints than me, like the family of Pompy.
The family were initially quite frosty when I approached them for comment, but their cold hearts soon thawed after I offered them some quite tasty fish; although they did disregard my advice that fish should be cooked before serving. Despite my peace offering, they only communicated with me in their mother tongue, and as Clapper the Seal died around this time last year, I was unable to use him as a translator. So, I'll just assume that they were sad about Pompy's death.
Pompy's cause of death has yet to be officially announced, but like most critics I managed to get a pre-release screening to the autopsy, although it was frowned upon when it was discovered that I had snuck my own sweets into the viewing. It was further frowned upon when I insisted that there should be a movie instead. Anyhow, Pompy's likely cause of death is the fact that he was wearing his helmet upside down. Most hats can be worn upside down, but in this case, it did look quite fatal.
Close friends of Pompy were unavailable for comment. Bashmaster, the Unbreakable had died several years previously, and the rest of the bosses had recently suffered embarrassing defeats to a pair of monkeys, and refused to speak to me. Some even ran away in fear, but I don't think it had anything to do with the monkey-fur duffel coat that I managed to nick from the mortuary.
Pompy's funeral will be held soon, and as per tradition he will be given a Viking funeral. Although how a group of sea lions became knowledgeable enough to conduct a Viking funeral I will never know. I will also never know why an underwater creature decided it would be an appropriate way to conduct a funeral as well, but maybe that's just another question for another day.
Written by: Koops
Hello 'Shroom readers! Come closer, as I, the one, the only, clumsy but bold Koops ventures through various places to tell you about wether you should or shouldn't visit a certain location that happens to be... unknown to me because apparently the next Issue is Smash-themed and I must do something ... oRiGiNaL!
I see you people liked my comeback two months ago, isn't that a true statement? I knew you would, you always do, and seriously, people, I couldn't wish for a better community than ours, it's really EPIC. And to think I've been visiting the website ever since five years ago... that's... crazy! EPICLY crazy! So anyway, I told you that well, since this issue is Smash AND holiday themed as it just turns out, I'm gonna be doing something original and rather... interesting.
I told you that I didn't even know what location was gonna die get reviewed this month, but... "KOOPS, HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET OUR MANDATORY DOSE OF YOU NOW!" Woah, I can smell your panic, I know, but just calm down because there is absolutely no starvation you have to face like the one that I would've hadn't I filled the fridge! Those Piantas might still be looking for me btw...
So instead, I went to ask some wizard with time powers to ask him to give me his sanctuary, but all I found was a pile of ash, on which were written the words "It was the only way, Mr Stark". On the bright side, the sanctuary was mine for the taking since no one seemed to be there anyway.
So now that it's all arranged, I am currently at the end of a hallway where sit three doors that lead me to O T H E R D I M E N S I O N S...
You mean uninhabited places of the world?
...Yeeeeeeaaaaaaah!
So guys, get this, since our Issue is Smash themed, I actually invited all Smash characters to pick the location for me instead! Wait, what's that, maybe they'll make me go into a deathtrap? Don't worry, I trust the people, I promised to pay them once we're finished anyway, so it's a deal!
Unfortunately, of all those characters I invited, only FIVE showed up! And... I wonder why...
My inbox history hacking skills reveal to me that you actually only sent emails to us specifically.
What... no... I... definitely did NOT send only five emails... they must've gone all to the same addresses for some reason then...
Didn't you know you could just send one email to multiple people? That's what I do when the mayor makes a public works project...
...
Oh, silly Koops! You keep bragging about your computer skills, look at ya now! Hehe...
So anyway, everyone, meet our guests for this month's issue: Piranha Plant, The Plant God, R.O.B., the Relentlessly Oiled Bot, ...
Actually, it is Robotic Operating Buddy...
... Ike, The Radiant Hero, Isabelle, The Mayor's Assistant, and lastly, Sir Aaron's greatest Companion...
Only Companion.
...Lucario, The Aura Beast! Freshly brought from the dead! You don't know the trouble, the experiments, the pain I went through just to have him here! I mean I could've settled for any Lucario, but I had to go ahead and...
Stop being creepy, you're making me want to le—
No! No! Don't worry! It's over, and now we shall begin with what we were actually here for. Mr. Plant, it seems you got quite the fanbase right now.
- A bunch of teeth-rattling noises*
Yeah I know I feel just as honored to have you here. Any place you think would be nice to visit for our beautiful readers?
Why thank you! Mushroom Kingdom district 1-2, yes, of course, recognizable thanks to this pipe that goes into the ground! That pipes up my interest, might I add!
This level is a classic, dating back to 1985's Super Mario Bros... but that game is too obscure for anyone to know, so I won't dwell on it. Anyway, why 1-2 and not 1-1? Easy. Actually I don't know, and it can't be the fact that Piranha Plants debuted in the level I'm in now, so what else can one say, huh?
As far as I can see, it's only pipes, blocks, pipes, pits, blocks, pipes, Piranha Plants, roblox, and more blocks until the last wall... something about that wall is peculiar though, as you can sorta... whoosh past it. Here, I'll proudly demonstrate, provided my skull doesn't commit intactn't as soon as I make contact with blocks. What were these made of again? Eh, at least it's not Bricks, right?
Right?
Well, as you can see, that took me to some underwater hellscape, but now I can't get out! Thankfully, the portal is still there if I wanna leave, so we can go back and dive into the next place!
Anyway, Sir, Commander, General, Lord, whatever should I call you...
: Just Ike would be fine. I spit on nobility anyway already, so I wouldn't bother finding myself a noble title.
: Whatever suits ya. Say, what was that place you fought that Black Knight in anyway? I wanna go there!
: You just said we would pick your location! Besides, I'm not looking back at... THAT place! I still haven't cleaned the corpse yet! *Shivers*
: Then what?
: Oh... I know!
: Here, go there!
: Ok...
Ah! Yes! Crimea! No, not that place that just got themselves into a conflict in 2014, this is Fire Emblem Crimea! Yes, one of many nations that form the Tellius continent, others being Daein, Kilvas, Phoenicis, Goldoa and the all powerful Empire of Begnion! That last one is Russia, I tell you.
Somewhere in the seventh century, Crimea was in a war against the mad King Ashnard, King of Daein, whose goal was to spread war and blood across everything so he could awaken a god sleeping in a medallion. Guy was a psychopath. Thankfully, it seems that literally the entirety of the rest of the continent was against him, so that's what you get for declaring a war against a weaker nation with a strong mercenary guy in it!
: Excuse me, but Crimea is not weak! Yes, it did need a lot... and that means a lot... of reinforcements but with Ragnell, I could've decimated everyone in my path, had I been as strong as I am now!
: That would make you strong, though, not Crimea.
: Oh shut up already!
: Ah! Commander Ike! Is it great to see you!
: Bastian? What are you doing here?
: I've been gathering information on some Duke called Ludveck who wants to overthrow Queen Elincia! And you have to hurry, they're about to execute Lucia, you know, one of her retainers!
: ...
: Send a message to all Greil mercenaries! I'll meet with them at Castle Crimea. Now! Thanks Bastian, you don't need to pay me!
: Oh, good sir! You seek something? Worry not, about Crimea, I know everything! For I, Bastian, the great, the fabulous, am a child of Crimea and a loyal servant of the goddess! Whatever you may want, Bastian has i—
: Not now... oh actually yeah, tell me! What is it you can find in Crimea that is... special?
: Oh, why would you want to know that when the all-knowing Bastian stands in front of you, but have it your way! Crimea is the most beautiful flower of the Tellius bush, a most peaceful place! True, it has political problems at the moment we speak, but it has never declared war once against any other country!
: Well yeah, true, but according to what you just said, it seems it has already declared war against itself!
: That Ludveck monster isn't even a Crimean at heart! Clearly you're not speaking with a correct tongue! We let laguz live among us beorc...
: Why beorc and not humans? Is saying the word "human" against your religion?
: ...
: Farewell, good sir!
: Well that was a nice bit of information... let's head back to the sanctuary!
: So... whoever of you guys gonna get me somewhere now?
: Where's Ike?
: Doing mercenary stuff! But now that I think about it... he's probably already done what he's doing, so he might actually cause a rip in the space-time continuum in the Fire Emblem universe... oops.
: That sounds... bad!
: I am in confirmation that I can show you a location at the moment!
: Ah! Thank you, R.O.B! C'mon show me!
: Ok, what was that? Did you just try to kill me?
: I did not. I lead you to the machine by which I was made.
: Oooooooooooh...k. You played your part R.O.B. Thank you for your participation.
: But aren't you going to review my suggest—
: Ok R.O.B. Thanks you!
: Ok. Now. Let's get back to business.
: *Clanking noises*
: Yes, I know Piranha Plant, but I specified it at the beginning! One location per guest! You'll still get payed though, no worries!
: Should I go next?
: Why... Of course, Iz— I mean miss Isabelle! Everyone is getting their turn! Because EVERYONE IS HERE!
: Did you seriously just attempt to make a cringey Smash Ultimate joke?
: Ah, oops! I guess they call me Koops for a reason!
: Here!
: Ah! Excellent choice! The... Town! What's it called?
: ...Town... the mayor never really was creative enough to give it a proper name.
: Sounds like a lazy mayor.
: No! He makes public works projects every single week! under my constant reminder that is...
: Anyway! Town Town! It's a Town! Called Town! Populated with animals donning human brains!
: ...
: Uhh... I didn't...
: It's ok to state facts.
: Oh god... what was I saying... so the town is a very laid-back and peaceful place...
: You can call it Animal Crossing.
: Thanks... Animal Crossing is a peaceful place, perfect to come to it for your vacation if you want to steer away from any loud city... trust me, I would come here just for that, if I could afford an entire house... of course, it may be needing some improvements, but with mayoral elections happening every year, YOU can make a change!
: Did you just advertise the town?
: Well yeah, I advertise all locations I visit... it's a thing! Even though most of the locations that already went under my radar started getting less and less visitors right after my visit, but you know...
: I see... then if you manage to attract people that would mean you're doing it better than me...
: OH COME ON, STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A JERK ALREADY, YOU UNGRATEFUL TH... Oops. I... got carried away again. Hey everyone, take a shot every time I said Oops during this section.
: Are you feeling all right, Sir?
: ...
: I can't look at you without feeling guilty, please, stop talking to me in such a way, you adorable little bi...
: I'm sorry...
: You know what? You did your part, that's great! We should...
: Oh, and one more thing! To design your own home, don't hesitate to drop by my twin brother Digby at the end of town! That way we can ensure everything is REALLY to your liking!
: Thank you, Miss Isabe...
: And again, if you feel like you're up to a task as important as being the mayor, don't be afraid to show yourself when the elections arrive! I will not waste time to show you around, and will wish you luck on the way!
: Miss Isabelle, we're done here...
: Oh, already?
: Ok... I've saved the best for la...
: Oh, it's my turn, isn't it?
What is it with you people interrupting me today?
: You were done with your phrase anyway, I was just making it easier for you, unless you don't appreciate it.
: Oh... really? Oops again, then... I should stop saying Oops or everyone reading will start getting themselves drunk...
: I got a good place for you, but please... don't mess with anything there... because if you do... I will make sure you don't come back here!
: ...
: Well, I guess I made myself clear...
:Shall we?
: So... Mister Koops... can you tell what place this is?
: This... is this? Are we in the tree of beginning?
: Correct!
: I gotta admit... I kinda hate and love this place at the same time. The location is great... but the tree itself is one big jerk...
: You... could say that...
: The tree of beginning is a stone structure that looks a lot like a tree, although it doesn't act like one at all... somehow, it and Mew, the mythical Pokemon, are connected and dependent of each other. I wonder how one of the purest creatures in the world got cursed with this connection, because as I said... this tree is an asshole...
: It... it is...
: Well, look at that. You agree with me!
: It took the life of Aaron, who gave it all his aura so he could stop two Pokemon armies ti clash... if it weren't tied to the Genetic little guy... I would've destroyed this tree many years ago...
: Yeah... that sucked... The tree is located in Sinnoh, to the north of Cameron Castle. There, in the valley, two Pokemon armies were at some point going to engage in a war, you just heard about that. Sir Aaron's sacrifice made him a hero to the people, and soon tales of his heroism turned into legend, as the centuries went by...
: Sniff... sniff...
: Are you... cr...
: NO I'M NOT!
: Ok...
: He was... everything to me! He sealed me away in his staff to prevent me from dying with him that day... and for a thousand years, I thought he had betrayed me...
: And... Thanks! That was a LOT of information on this place, more than what I was hoping to cover!
: You were seriously recording?
: Oops...
: Let's just get back in the portal so we can get payed...
: Yeah! I'll be more than happy to do that, trust me!
: You're being creepy again!
: Maybe... yeah, but what can I do when something so awesome is standing right in front of me?
: ...
: Look man... you're getting paid, and I'm probably never talking to you ever again because of all the work, so let's just make the most out of now! I'm your biggest fan!
: ... Well... thanks... I guess.
: So... we're back! And I'm giving every location its review!
World 1-2: Iconic, and the first level to feature an underground theme! Despite a lack of features, it makes up for that with the best glitch and legacy! 7/10!
Crimea: Itself alone, it's a nice country, ruled by the fair and graceful Queen Elincia! Zero chance of discrimination (aside from maybe the senators) if you live there guaranteed, and a country always ready to help the righteous, and has Begnion on its side (but not at the time I and Ike traveled in). 8/10, would've been higher if it wasn't in the middle ages probably.
The R.O.B. Factory... NA/10, can't rate it without lying.
Animal Crossing: 10/10, it's even more peaceful than Crimea!
And lastly... Tree of Beginning: -5/10, it deserves to be obliterated, which is sad considering the location is nice, but screw that tree.
: *Clanking noises again*
: Ah, yes! Thank you for reminding me, Piranha Plant! I still need to pay y'all!
: You don't need to pay me, you've done me service by advertising the town!
: You know... it was good for me to do this... I feel so much better now that I've retold my story...
: My analysis deduces that you are worried, Mister Koops.
: What is the problem?
: This has been Koops from travel guide, signing off with an almost empty wallet, and happy holidays everyone!
Christmas is almost upon us, and the swathe of festive television is taking over the TV channels. There’s not a lot of new stuff: it’s just drawn-out Christmas special episodes of everything and the same old films over and over again. Thank goodness that the recent launch of a new Smash Bros. mixes Smash-themed television in with the repetitive Christmas cheer. So, with the interesting juxtaposition of winter wonderland and physical violence, let’s get on with tomorrow’s best television!
Smashed: The Smash Bros. Story
MKBC2, 8pm
Genre: History documentary
Part 1 of Smashed: The Smash Bros. Story looks back on the history of fighting sports in Mushroom Kingdom culture, and details the creation of the original Smash Bros. iteration. Part 2, which will air in one week’s time, will look at the later history of the game, but this is the vital first part that explains everything about how Smash Bros. came to be.
