The 'Shroom:Issue LXIII/Fake News
I am disappointed, guys. I specifically told you not to spill anything on my carpet, and what do you do? Spill nothing on my carpet. You realise how long nothing takes to get out of carpets?!
Anyway, welcome to the Fake News! This month, we're down on a few sections, but we do have a new section this month. Edofenrir (talk), Sub-Director and ex-Fake News director, under the persona of Koohitsu, has been hired for the Fake Interview/Monthly Inquisition, so congratulations to him! And with that, on with the section:
Pyro: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, gents, ladies, golden enemies, and that Poltergust 5000 over there! It's an exciting time with all of this E3 stuff going around, and I even got a new assistant! Her name is Kersti.
Kersti: It's only temporary, I need to be in a game, you know.
Pyro: The other day, we went to Yoshi's Island, a tropical island full of birds on magic carpets, Yoshi Cookies, and strange "X"s all over the place. Locals say these X's mean there are beans under them or something, but I've heard from a certain someone that it isn't true. BEANS, BEANS, THE MORE YOU EAT, THE MORE YOU~
Pyro: Okay, bossy. Anyways, there's a local inn called "Yoob's Belly". The floor is soft and mushy, and there's RC Shroobers all over the place! Wooh! Stay at it for the night if you can afford it.
Kersti: Are you mad?
Pyro: I'm not entirely sure...
Kersti: Yes, you are.
Pyro: No, I'm not.
Kersti: Yes, you are.
Pyro: No, I'm not.
Kersti: Yes, you are.
Pyro: No, I'm not.
Kersti: WE HAVE COME TO A CONCLUSION.
Pyro: ...that you can never have cookies without evil milk.
Kersti: ..........I quit.
Pyro: NO! COME BACK! I NEED SOMEONE TO PAY MY BILLS!
Pyro: ...Uh, I didn't need her anyways. Back on subject. At the nearby shop in the village, you can find unreasonable amounts of Yoshi Cookies...for free.
Cookie Monster: C is for Cookie and cookie is for me!
Pyro: Don't think about it.
Cookie Monster: COOKIE IS MINE!
Pyro: NO STOP DON'T LEAVE THE STUDIO~
We interrupt this section with breaking news! The Cookie Monster has destroyed half of Yoshi's Island. However, he has been sued by Baby Bowser for not drinking evil milk with it. We now return to your regularly scheduled program.
Pyro: I've gotten arrested once already, so I'm prepared.
Audience: GET ON WITH THE SECTION.
Pyro: Well, half of it is destroyed, so I really have nothing else to say except...
...Always drink evil milk.
Pyro: Well, this has turned into utter chaos, so this is goodbye.
Oh hi everyone, I am very happy to see you here, reading this silly little interview. I mean, of course I'm not really seeing you, since this is a newspaper section, and I guess you're not really seeing me either, but... you know what I mean, right? Anyway, for everyone who doesn't know who I am, which I think will be all of you, considering this is the first time I'm doing this here ever, uhm...
I'm sorry for rambling. I am, like, sooo nervous right now. Let me... Let me try to start over. To properly introduce myself: I am Koohitsu, the Paratroopa. I will be conducting the interview today. Now. Like, right below this introduction in fact. My guest today is someone who has traveled a lot, even though he is still so young. He has made quite a name for himself when he helped the famous Mushroom Kingdom hero Mario solve a great crisis in Star Haven. He is here today, and I hope he will be easy on me: Goombario, the Goomba!
"Anyway, it was all about that jerk Bowser stealing the Star Rod from the Star Spirits, and us foiling his evil plans left and right. It all began when my sister found Mario in the woods near our village, heavily injured. It was strange. I was so worried because he was unconscious for so long, but at the same time I was also excited, because FREAKING MARIO was in our village! I wanted to get his autograph so badly, but dad forbade me to ask because Mario was still out and recovering."
"YES! So great! I remember Goompa telling me to go with Mario! It was the happiest moment of my life! Seriously! I was just so utterly happy, a little happier and I probably would have had an accident right then and there!"
"Sure did! Mario and I are such a good team! I even bonked that fiendish turtle face right on the head! Right between the eyes, while he was giant and pumped from all the Star Rod powers! The danger, the rush of adrenaline, it was all so invigorating!"
"Well, most Goombas that I know and have spoken with are loyal to King Bowser, and they say that Mario is a terrible man and his mistreatment of the Goombas is horrendous. Yet you and your family live quietly among the people that a large fraction of your kin considers as a threat. Why is that?"
"I don't know what those other Goombas' problem is. We never had any problem with the nice people from Toad Town or other places. Most of those Goombas come from Dark Land, right? Maybe it's the lack of sun that's getting to them or something, and they feel like blaming someone else. No offense, by the way."
"I'm not too sure why, but fact is that the Goomba community worldwide has begun to stir right after your exploits with Mario were made public. And the consensus seems to be that, while they are happy that Goombas finally seem to get some recognition by society, they are also mad that the first Goomba to make it big was such a vocal supporter of the Mushroom Kingdom."
"I've done some digging before this interview started, and what I found was not very flattering. Goombas online call you a dry-bellied, smelly cheep cheep, a filthy, spoiled Goomnut, and a peach-eating traitor to the royal Koopa line."
"You know what? I don't care for anything those people have to say. The thing is: I know Mario! And Mario and I are chums! And they're not! So they feel like doing things like this because they, too, know that Mario is great! Secretly, they're all wishing they could make the same experiences that I made with Mario. And that's why they're jealous!"
"I am Mario's number one fan. I don't think you understand the significance of this. My passion for Mario's heroism is an inseparable part of my personality! Seriously, I am even named after the guy!"
"Everything. Everywhere I go I always hear the same. "Oh, adorable little Goombario! He is named after Mario, it's so funny!" "Try hard, Goombario! Go and reach for your dreams like Mario!" "Try to be strong and brave, like Mario!" "Be like Mario!" "Be Mario!" It is... It is so hard."
"I mean, I like Mario! He is an awesome hero, super friendly, and what he does is really impressive. Mario is great! Mario is really really great! Mario is... sometimes... sometimes Mario is just too great. It is so hard to live up to the person you're named after if that person happens to be the most famous person in the entire Kingdom. So hard... so... so... I'm... I'm so sorry."
"I just wish I could take a break from it all sometimes... Everyone... everyone always goes on about Luigi... about how he never escapes Mario's shadow, and how depressing it is. Try being Mario's shadow some time. At least Luigi has his own name!!"
"One day I had this idea that I could study really hard, read a lot of books, travel guides, newspapers, everything. I wanted to do something new! Have something I came up with on my own! So I got really involved in honing my knowledge and I created the Tattle ability. It was my thing. Goombario's invention!"
Hello, Chief TravixMan here, and I say, I am here reporting that crime rates have been increasing again with two stories to tell. These stories might make you glad. They might make you sad. They might even make you mad. Give a listen to these new tales.
1. Wiggler's Anger Problem
Wiggler was having a peaceful walk to his garden. He was growing carrots. Lots and lots of carrots. However, Larry Koopa sneaked to the caterpillar's garden and took the carrots with some Monty Moles. Wiggler quietly told Larry to put the carrots back. Larry did not compromise with Wiggler, and loaded his small blue airship with carrots. Wiggler began to turn red, when the blue shelled Koopa then began destroying the rest of the crops. Wiggler became furious and ran up to Larry, and punched him in the face. Larry used his wand to send a fireball towards Wiggler, and a fight ensued. Flutter, who was Wiggler's neighbor, contacted HQ at 3:25 PM.. Wiggler will be serving his carrots alright... In prison. His sentence is 3 days in prison, due to being completely innocent. Larry Koopa, on the other hand, will be serving a month in prison. Maybe that's what you get when you pick a carrot from the wrong guy. Get it? Pick a carrot, pick a fight? Oh never mind.
2. Shy Guy's Wild Ride
Shy Guy, Koopa Troopa, and Goomba were walking to Dry Bowser's Wild Rodeo, anxious to ride on the un-tamable Chain Chomp. When they got in, Dry Bones, one of their friends and worker of Dry Bowser's Wild Rodeo, greeted them, warning them that the Chain Chomp was furious that night. Dry Bones also explained that Dry Bowser is taking a ride on the Chain Chomp. Shy Guy then exclaimed he doesn't want to be shy anymore, and so he said Get off that Chomp, Mr. Dry Bowser, because I'm gonna take a ride today Dry Bowser then asked Well, okay then, if you and yer friends want to get killed on that durn Chain Chomp, be my guests Haw haw haw After they walked away from him, Goomba said What did he mean by if you and yer friends want to get killed ? I don't really know, but let's give Shy a little bit of good luck. Koopa Troopa responded. The two each gave him good luck, and Shy Guy got on the Chain Chomp. You better git offuva that Chain Chomp, it's a mad dog Bahawhawhawhaw Dry Bowser said with 3 Dry Bones wearing black leather cowboy clothing, who were also laughing. “He ain’t gonna stand a chance on that there Chomp, he better give up now while he has a chance! Dah heh heh!” The Dry Bones that was wearing black and white referee clothing announced “Welcome to Dry Bowser’s Wild Rodeo! Stay on the Chain Chomp for a minute, and good luck!” The timer set, and the Chain Chomp was released. The Chain Chomp was certainly un-tamable as Dry Bowser said, as it kept shaking Shy Guy off of it. Shy Guy kept trying to hold on to the rope, but nearly fell off. As he nearly fell off, Chain Chomp opened it’s mouth, preparing to eat Shy Guy by taking out it’s toungue. Shy Guy then swung with his body, and got back on the Chain Chomp. The timer grew down to 10 seconds, and Dry Bowser was becoming more furious. “I’ve had just enough of this dang excuse of time! Git offuva that dang Chomp!” He got out one of his glass bottles of Chuckola Cola, and threw it at the Chain Chomp. The Chain Chomp turned red, and flung Shy Guy off of it, then broke out of the ring to chase Dry Bowser. “Oooh, sorry... There was only 1 second left.” The referee said. Koopa Troopa and Goomba went over to pick up their friend, and when they did, they saw his face un-masked. “What, what are you two looking at?” Shy Guy asked. “... Nothing.” Said Koopa Troopa, “Just nothing.” “We were worried you would’ve been killed by that thing!” Goomba said as Shy Guy put his mask back on. “Could you please get me over to the hospital?” Shy Guy asked. “Sure, Shy.” Koopa Troopa said. All three friends laughed and left. Meanwhile, Dry Bowser certainly had his hands full with Chain Chomp, but as he was still running, he heard cuffs come on him. “What in the blazes?...” He stopped and noticed Princess Daisy, who was arresting Dry Bowser. “One witness said you cheated and threw this at that Chain Chomp, causing the rider to fall off.” Princess Daisy said as she held up a Chuckola Cola bottle. “I didn’t!.. I couldn’t have!... I... CURSE YOU, DRY BONES!!!” Princess Daisy took Dry Bowser into the police car, and then looked behind her and said, “Thank you for your help.” “No problem. It’s what I do.” The Dry Bones, who was the friend of Koopa Troopa, Goomba, and Shy Guy said. “Now if you excuse me, I’m gonna go find my friends.” Princess Daisy gave a thumbs up, and drove off. The night was now criminal free as usual.
So, two stories, with 2 criminals. What would happen if they meet with each other? (Since Dry Bowser and Bowser are separate people.) All would be revealed next month, at the same spot of Fake Police Blotter.
Hey, guys, it's MCD. Today, I went to Toadofsky's Store, a shop run by ex-composer Toadofsky. The shop sells many musical instruments and records, including some of Toadofsky's compositions.
Out of sympathy, I decided to take a Brick Block home. Big mistake. Upon taking one from the packed store, many of them fell at once on top of the owner. He was not badly injured, but he wasn't extremely happy. In fact, he was angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. He became the Incredible Hulkofsky, and charged me two coins for the Brick Block I bought. It was a sad day for my wallet.
Would I recommend this shop? If you're looking to get anywhere in music, then this shop is a great place for you to visit! If not, jumping on the tadpoles is fun anyway! DISCLAIMER: I do not promote violence to tadpoles, and please do not jump on a tadpole in real life. You will most likely crush them. These tadpoles are trained professionals, and, secretly, don't exist anyway. The owner is extravagant, and his music is truly amazing and inspiring. If you can find it under the pile of Brick Blocks, that is.
Thanks for reading the Fake News this month!