The 'Shroom:Issue 120/Fake News
Welcome back to the Fake News! Hope you're having a good March! (as in the month, but if you're doing some marching as well then I hope that's also going well for you!)
Unfortunately, we will be losing two of our writers this month.
Firstly, Alex95 (talk) will be leaving the Sport Report. It's sad to see him go after what feels like such a short time, but we wish him luck as he
abandons us goes on to write for two of our lamer other sub-teams, Pipe Plaza and Critic Corner.
Secondly, we will be losing our longest-running writer, as Toadbert101 (talk) is leaving Peddler's Place after having written for the section for exactly five years this month. It is a massive shame to see one of our best writers go, but we thank him for his fantastic contributions over the years and hope to see him return to us someday.
But hey, it's spring - which is, like, the season of new beginnings or something. And how better to experience a new beginning or spiritual rebirth than signing up for the Fake News?* Head to our section on the sign-up page to check out what's available and then follow the instructions outlined in the application form at the top of that page!
* - please don't actually answer that
Section of the Month
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
|3rd||Cooking Guide||9||16.98%||The Pyro Guy|
Greetings, 'Shroom readers. This is Lord Bowser here with a new edition of Police Blotter for you all.
Remember two issues back how I mentioned I would try being more consistent with my sections?
Well, as it turns out, my computer... just... couldn't... accept that... !
It broke down just as I was about to being working on my sections, leaving me unable to do any last month. D:
However, this month, I had a back-up available! :D
As such, I return with all three of my sections this issue. I hope you enjoy them all, and apologizes for any inconvenience I may have caused.
Anyway, moving on. Today's edition of Police Blotter features me tackling another rather personal case. I dare say it tugs at my heartstrings much more than the incident two months ago, as the victim in this case... was my son. The objects affected... his own imagination and creativity. The culprit... Mario!
My son and I were vacationing in Isle Delfino over the last few weeks to get away from the monotone lifestyle back at the castle. My son had recently been experimenting with drawing and painting, often using our walls and floors as his own personal canvas. I indulged this behavior, thinking that this was a good and healthy way for him to express his developing creative tastes. In fact, before we left for the island, I personally contacted the mayor of Delfino Plaza asking for permission for my son to use the luscious backdrops of the island as an alternative canvas for my son to use; he enthusiastically agreed, even trembling with excitement as he shook my hand. We departed for the island by airship, packing a brand-new magical paintbrush built specifically for him by the renowned Professor E. Gadd. I relaxed on the beaches and enjoyed myself at the scenic restaurants, while I watched him doodle away at his heart's content; the magical paintbrush brought his creations to life, making it all the more fun and exciting for both him and myself!
However, these moments of bliss soon became numbered as Mario and his friends decided to visit the island as well. Carrying an unusual pump-like device on his back, Mario approached myself and my son, gave us a rather nasty look, then suddenly... attacked. He readied the pump, then blasted with water all of the artwork my son had carefully crafted with the joy in his heart, leaving my son in tears as all of his creations... were simply washed away. The red-clothed monster never looked back at us; he simply destroyed all of the paintings my son had made without a shred of mercy in his soul. The worst part? His accomplices, the Toads and Peach, cheered him on, congratulating him for cleansing the island from the "menacing graffiti". These comments were simply too much for my son to bear, making him break down sobbing shortly after.
As a father, I simply couldn't let this slide. Not one bit.
I chased after Mario, and as soon as I got near, fiercely tackled him and arrested him on the spot. I sued him for vandalism, destruction of property, being a massive dick, emotional trauma, child abuse, and being a massive dick again. In the most heartless manner possible, he simply nodded his head, got out from underneath me, and continued spraying away the artwork. I must admit, at this point, even I shed a tear; I couldn't believe someone could be that cold.
A few days later, the trial date finally arrived. I served as the prosecutor for my son, while Mario, strangely, showed up without an attorney. As the trial went on, I showed the jury of Piantas and Nokis, who had consented to allowing him use the island as a canvas, examples of the work that Mario had abruptly destroyed;
This served as powerful and highly effective emotional appeal, as the entire jury was touched by the innocent artwork created by my son, then quickly reacted in devestation when they learned about how Mario had destroyed it all. Afterwards, the jury, in tears, quickly set out to reach a verdict. With only five minutes passing, every single member of the jury found Mario guilty of all charges, and sentenced him to the task of restoring all of the work he had washed away; he would not be allowed to leave the island until it was all back to exactly how it was, and he had to do it all alone. Mario silently but visibly angrily accepted his fate, scoring a personal victory for both me and my son.
Several weeks passed, and my son had his creative drive fully restored. He was back to the vibrant young artist he was before Mario showed up, and his original works were slowly but surely being restored to their former glory. I continued to relax on the local beaches while letting my son get to know the children of the Piantas and Nokis, many of whom shared in the delight of artistic creativity. It was truly an adorable sight that warmed my heart. Once all of his drawings were fully restored, we decided to head back to the castle, but before that, I handed Mario this postcard in passing;
I gave that to him in the hope that he would understand the full extent of his actions, but unfortunately simply shrugged it off and didn't take much notice of it. It was no matter, however; my son was able to express his creativity as nature intended, and in the best of ways as well.
Anywho, that's it for this month's edition of Police Blotter. I will hopefully be here next month, where you will be greeted by Monthly Inquisition! I hope you enjoyed this section, and I hope you stay tuned for more!
Hello everyone, and welcome back to the final Sport Report! I am your host, Alex95, here to give you the play-by-play on the current sporting event in the Mushroom Kingdom. This will be my last Sport Report for the time being, but let's end this thing on a high note, shall we?
Closing out the Mario Sports Mix quintet of games is Hockey. We'll be playing two teams of two and playing first to two rounds. Would you like to know who the teams are? On the blue team, we have the heroic duo: The Mario Brothers Mario and Luigi! And on the red team, we have the tyrannical father and son: Bowser and Bowser Jr.! The teams will be playing on Bowser Jr. Boulevard, which means the teams will have plenty of chances to score extra points. Now then, to quote the announcer of the Monster Arena from Dragon Quest VIII, LET'S GET IT ON!
The players take their positions and Lakitu tosses the puck. Mario and Bowser are fighting for it, but Bowser steals it away! Luigi goes to try and take it back, but Bowser fires it off to his son. Jr. then tries to score a point, but Luigi is there with the save. Luigi passes it to his brother who then passes it back. Luigi ends up getting too close to the net and the red Shy Guy takes the puck. He tries to pass it to Bowser, but Mario intercepts it and fires it back at the goal, scoring a total of six points! The players reset and Bowser Jr. has the puck. Bowser Jr. fires off a Red Shell-infused puck at the goalie, stunning him, but Mario picks the puck back up and fires it to his side of the court. The red Shy Guy passes it to Bowser, to whom Mario immediately steals the puck from. Mario tries to line up his shot, but Bowser Jr. comes from behind and steals the puck! He passes it to his dad who fires the puck into the goal…but he was standing on a -8 spot! The Koopas now have less than no points! The players reset and Bowser takes the puck, to have it immediately stolen by Luigi. Luigi tries to score some points, but the red Shy Guy stops him. The Shy Guy passes it Bowser Jr. who goes for the Marios' goal and fires, just to have it stopped by their goalie. The blue Shy Guy passes it to Luigi and…oh. Uh, oh guys. My Wii Remote died! Oh, no! Uuuhhh… Batteries, batteries… Okay, I'm back! Good thing I had the game paused, otherwise that would've been bad. Okay, so, Luigi has the puck and gets too close to the red goal, making the Shy Guy recover the puck. Immediately followed are several exchanges made by the players and I can't tell what's happening! Mario manages to recover the puck and he calls on his Special Move! Mario fires a flaming puck at the goal and Bowser's doing all he can to keep the puck from entering…but it's not enough! Mario scores two points! The Marios now have a 16 point lead, with the score being 8 - -8! The players reset with Bowser Jr. taking the puck. He gets close to the goal and calls on his Special Move, splattering paint along the court. The brothers are slipping everywhere, but still manage to recover the puck! Mario fires a Banana Puck which stuns the red Shy Guy, but as Mario's lining up for his next shot on a x5 spot, Bowser Jr. comes from behind and steals the puck! Opportunity missed! The puck is passed to his father and Bowser fires the puck into the goal! With the three Coins he's collected, plus the x3 modifier, that brings his score up to a total of… 1! The players reset and chaos immediately ensues: Bower takes the puck, passes it to Bowser Jr. who fires it across the court, Mario takes the puck, but Bowser steals it back and scores two points! The Koopas weren't happy that they started with less than nothing and are coming back with a vengeance. Mario starts the next round with the puck, which is immediately taken by Junior and…BONUS TIME! The players have a chance to score ten times the amount of normal points! Bowser Jr. knocks the blue Shy Guy out and fires again, scoring ten points, bringing their score to 13! The Koopas are in the lead! Mario starts with the puck, fights his way to the red goal, and manages to score three points! Bonus Time occurs once more and Mario calls on his Special Move, but unfortunately, Bonus Time ends once the move is called on. Bowser tries his best to keep the puck from entering the goal, but Mario is just too strong and scores a point! Many exchanges occur in the next bout and Bonus Time appears once again. Bowser fires a Mini Mushroom Puck and sends the puck slipping past the blue Shy Guy, scoring a whopping 20 points, bring his total up to 33! During the last 15 seconds of the round, Bonus Time occurs once again. The players are fighting over the puck, but time runs out before anyone can score any more points. The current score is Marios 12, Koopas 33.
Mario begins the next round with the puck, which is immediately taken by Bowser Jr. Mario manages to recover the puck and fights his way to the goal, scoring three points! Bowser Jr. starts the next match and Mario grabs a Super Star to recover the puck! He fires the puck straight through the Shy Guy, earning his team two more points! The next round has the players going back and forth, collecting Coins and beating each other senseless with their Hockey Sticks. Bonus Time occurs once more and Mario is rushing for the goal and sees an opening, taking his shot and scoring 40 points, bringing his team's total to 57! Bowser Jr. starts with the puck and grabs a Super Star, turning his team invincible! Bonus Time happens once again and Mario manages to get a hold of the puck, leading to a 20-point score! At 77-33, the Mario Bros. are not going to let up! Mario starts with the puck and calls on his Special Move. Bowser Jr. is trying his hardest to keep the puck from entering, but he can't hold on! The Marios score another point! The next round is filled with exchanges as the clock begins counting down and Bonus Time occurs for the final time. Several checks and bruises later, the timer dings and the results are in! The Mario Brothers defeat the Tyrannical Koopas 78 to 33! Good game everyone!
The Bob-ombs are in complete disarray following the news of their beloved king being killed in an explosion. All signs pointed to this being an attack from the renegade Bob-omb Buddies, but it was soon discovered that King Bob-omb had accidentally detonated, so that clears up that mystery.
The leader's castle was destroyed in the explosion so it's uncertain as to what actually caused him to explode, but ideas have been brought forward like: not getting a hot meal, discovering a covert operation to bring him down, or lying down too close to his new fireplace. The possibilities are endless. Unfortunately though, my editor is telling me I should just write an obituary, rather than a full out murder investigation.
King Bob-omb was loved by most of his subjects, though many of them exploded upon me trying to get any negatives out of them, and as a result many of my interviews were cut off halfway through. I was, however, able to find out from a few of them though that he did have a side job - the secret protector of Shroom City. Further investigations into this place earned me a stint on the naughty step as my editor told me to focus on the obituary writing.
But when his back was turned, I snuck out anyway. I interviewed many residents of Shroom City, including Bob-omb who said "He was the secret protector, no one was actually allowed to know, because other Bowser would've gone ballistic. Probably would've lit the fuse on his head." Another resident, Koopa said, "He prevented our bank from being robbed several times, since his death we've been robbed eight several times, in fact we're in the middle of one right now!"
I have to wrap this obituary up quickly though, as my editor found out that I snuck off, and now he's coming down on me like a tonne of concrete donkeys, and I want to finish all the words before I go splat. So, King Bob-omb was a great ruler, but his death rai-SPLAT!
Welcome to the Travel Guide! I should be doing something about a 3D Mario game, but I couldn’t find a good place to show you! So I will be showing you two different places instead. One is the Mushroom Kingdom Hospital. The other one is not real. I made it up. It is called Bowserland Public Hospital. Note that there are no pictures. The only picture of the Mushroom Kingdom Hospital is from a comic from over ten years ago! And Bowser's Hospital is not real, so there are no images.
I will first tell you about the Mushroom Kingdom Hospital. It is where Dr Mario does his work. The hospital is quite big, and it is in the shape of mushrooms. The hospital is luxury. Every room has a Nintendo Switch inside it. It has a café, a swimming pool, and even a mini shopping mall! Everyone will want to go there, so much that some break their body on purpose to go there! There are many car parks outside, enough for everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom!
The Bowserland Public Hospital is the opposite. Just have a look at the quote:
- “Welcome to Bowser’s Punishment Centre I mean Bowserland Public Hospital! We will not, I mean, will take good (or was it bad?) care of you and fix you up!”
- —Dr Bowser
IT IS SUCH A BAD PLACE. It looks more like a jail than a hospital. There are no toilets, cafes or even car parks. The doctors are mean. They don't care about whether what they are doing hurts you or not. The hospital fees are huge. Nobody goes to this hospital. Nobody likes it. Neither do I like it.
So, which hospital do you like more? I think most of you will obviously like the Mushroom Kingdom Hospital more. Anyway, I'll see you again in April for the next section of Tour Guide!
Welcome back to TV Tomorrow, which tells you about the TV tomorrow, today! If you know what I mean. Spring is upon us and we're back with the TV across the Mushroom Kingdom, whether you want to watch it or not. So, here's the top three shows to watch tomorrow!
New: The Ancient Lands of Time
This spectacular documentary hits your screens tomorrow. It features Mario and his co-host, local resident Jack O'Goomba, as they journey across the Clockwork Ruins, finding out the secrets of the ancient peoples, the mysteries behind the ruins, the cultures of these tribes, and why random giant wheels fall from the sky on occasion and start rolling down a hill trying to crush everything. An educational yet spectacular watch.
Petey's Showcase of Random Stuff
Genre: Gadget show
Petey Piranha returns tomorrow with his now-famous gadget show. Today, he's testing out some great explosive stuff, including a Bob-omb cannon, an explosive device made of a frying pan, and a brand new and highly dangerous paint bomb. As usual, we've got high-risk demonstrations and thrillingly complicated stuff. Ideal for any gadget fan.
Film: Soccer School
Genre: Family film
Despite the American name (it's called football, people), this is a brilliant film. Mario plays himself, a down-on-his luck coach with a useless team, but he manages to turn it around by bringing in a bunch of new recruits via the amazing 'Soccer School' foundation. But can his team beat the deadly Koopa United? A popular film that is still loved by audiences today.
Well, that's all I have to say for now. March provides some wonderful TV that is unmissable for television fans. And even if the television's boring, there's Mario Party to play instead. That's the true wonder of television. See you next time.
Greetings, earthlings! So, there’s this new thing that just came out, you may’ve heard of it, it’s called
THE NINTENDO SWITCH
And it’s kind of a cool thing, because it happens to be
A PORTIBLE AND CONSOLE HYBRID
And you may have also heard of a game that came out for the system. I don’t know if you’ve ever played or see anyone play it, but it’s kind of fun, and it’s a little game called
SUPER BOMBERMAN R
Wait…no. That’s not it. I don’t think…Hmm…Actually, I don’t really know what game I was talking about there. Huh. Well, whatever. That’s not really what we’re talking about here today. Today, we’re discussing Nintendo’s previous console venture, the Wii U, and what will likely be the last first party release for it.
Now I know this system isn’t exactly the most successful one in the world, even though the games on it have been fairly decent, and nothing about it was ever shockingly bad. However, this new game is supposed to be a huge release! The first ever Mario and Zelda non-spinoff video game! People will be talking about for decades! This will change the popular opinion concerning the Wii U, and help put it up there with the NES and Gameboy as one of the greats! So, without further adieuieu…
The Last Wii U Game…EVA
Wait…WHAT? What the heck is this piece of garbage? Is this really the game? It is? Well…don’t judge a book by its cover, I guess…but…Whatever! Never mind! Let’s…just…get on with the review. So…you start up the game, and…OH.
Wh-what? Who approved this? How is this quality assured? Why is Link called Zelda? AND WHO THE HECK IS LARRY? There’s nobody like that in either series, unless you count Larry Koopa! And the graphics just make me sick! I mean, look at these screenshots!
I counted the days…I preordered this a month in advance…and I shilled out $60…FOR THIS!?! Well, of course I couldn’t just take this lying down. I tried to return the game to my local GameStop, but then I found out that the owner had skipped town with the money and is currently living it up in Bermuda with my $60. So instead, I decided to send a firm, yet civil letter to Nintendo, asking them if there was anything they could do.
And after six to eight weeks for delivery on the dot, I finally got a reply:
Dear Mr. and/or Mrs. YKMR, We have read your letter carefully and have concluded that although your complaints are valid, there is nothing we can do about them. You see, recently, we have put into place a new policy on customer service. It’s somewhat complicated, but we’ve done our best to explain it here: The 4 Steps of Customer Service 1. Does solving this problem make you money? 2. Why doesn’t solving this problem make you money? 3. Why aren’t you trying to make money right now? 4. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? MAKE MONEY. GO. DO IT. RIGHT NOW. HURRY. Unfortunately, solving your problems do not coincide with this new policy. We hope you understand. Sincerely, Takashi Japanesename Head of Nintendo Customer Service P.S. We should be together too.
So, needless to say, I didn’t get any answers from Nintendo. I realized they kind of ripped me of with this one. I guess I should suspected something when three Japanese men sitting on each other’s shoulders in a single trench coat trying to pass as one person showed up to my doorstep with an advertisement for a Wii U game. Come to think of it, I’m not really sure why that was even necessary. Regardless of their lack of cooperation, enclosed with their letter was this picture right here:
It…makes me uncomfortable…to say the least. And in any case I got SOMETHING out of them. But still I’m kind of disappointed that the Wii U will still always be remembered as one of Nintendo’s biggest duds. So, please, let us have a moment of silence for the slow, agonizing death of the Nintendo Wii U.
Actually, this is an internet article, meaning that we can’t have a universal moment of silence at a certain time. On a related note, I was listening to music this whole time. Whatever, I make up everything a say on this site anyway.
In all honesty, I’m kind of just drawing things out at this point. There is extremely little to say about this game. It’s just Super Mario Bros and The Legend of Zelda poorly ported to the Wii U. I’m not going to even give this game a rating. If they won’t even try to make a good game, I’m not even going to try to review it. So THERE multi-billion dollar cooperation! A writer for a Fake News section on a Mario fan site isn’t going to give a number rating for a made-up game to an audience that’s probably much less than a thousand people!
What am I doing with my life?
My ingredients, as previously stated, always come from natural, sustainable sources. The Star Bit however, only occurs in remote areas in space. But all the latest tech has allowed space to become just another location; this is good for me, since it basically means I can get Star Bits really cheap and easily. My source was found deep in a cluster of cosmic trash, but that hasn't yet done anything alarming to the food.
I used this amazing, constantly regrowing stash of space-sugar to generate a new brand of sweets to sell back in the Kingdom. This edition of Cooking Guide will take you on a journey through the process of turning a simple ingredient into something anyone can enjoy.
We'll start at my source: an abandoned Airship I found while looking for something I'd dropped near here. Upon descending down a large pipe I discovered many glittering, star shaped objects that were later harvested for experimenting with flavors. When I returned, everything had regenerated! I suspect whatever plant the Bits grow from had been tampered with. You know how it is with GM stuff these days.
These blue ones will be the target for today. What normally happens is that after collecting them, they get sorted by color and then placed into containers to be used for the firing stage.
Since we've got what we came for, I'll see you back in the kitchen where I'll show you how I make sweets with these.
And here we are at the new kitchen! I did some redesigning since last time, so it may look a little bit different. My dream is to get one of these functioning in space for convenience. Anyway, right now I'm loading a capsule of Star Bits into the firing gun, which I made myself. Don't worry, I already gave myself a medal. It's a fun thing to use.
The deal is that once a button is pressed, the gun heats up the Star Bits into a liquid and fires it straight into a vent for the next stage. It's cool, it's new, it's high tech.
All of these shooty blasty gizmos are really satisfying to use. I tried using molten iron as ammo, which had benefits and... not benefits. Anyway, with that cannon, what else would I need?
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the swingy choppy things. Using some Artic Flowers, the liquid space snack is cooled and then mixed with some artificial things to add appeal. The slicey woosh machine then strikes, splitting the mix into small squares which can then be stored, wrapped or exported. And after all of that, we're finished!
And this is how they look in a meal! Naturally, the sweet taste does unfortunately limit the options for what to have it with, but I find that they go well with fruit and other desserts. Of course, you can just eat them on your own if you feel in the mood.
Welp, that's it for this month. Thanks for reading, and make sure to come back next time for more tips on becoming a master chef. Well, not master chef, since you'd have to settle for second place; we all know who holds the title of first!
Me. I'm in first. Probably.
|The 'Shroom: Issue 120|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner• Strategy Wing|
|Specials||Counting 120 Green Stars|