The 'Shroom:Issue 137/Fake News
Hey guys, welcome back to the Fake News! Firstly, congrats to everyone who won (or even was nominated) at the Awards last night! It's too bad we didn't win favourite team this year, but we sure came close! And congrats to Critic Corner for a very well-deserved win! As with every year if you haven't seen any of the presentations yet then please check them out here, a huge amount of effort has gone into them and it's all very much worth reading.
I have to give a special shoutout to Pitohui and Koops for basically creating a Fake News Cinematic Universe. Eat your heart out Infinity War.
I've had a very long week so I'm going to leave my editorial off here. Thanks for reading and enjoy the Fake News!
Section of the Month
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
|3rd||Shop Scout||Hooded Pitohui||10||16.13%|
Good evening, viewers, from MKBC6, with your weather forecast for the week ahead.
Humidity will be very high this week. Showers will be moving in late next week with a cold front that will bring cooler temperatures and drier conditions. Residents are advised to keep hydrated and avoid staying out in the sun for extended periods of time.
We are also bringing you the sports forecast for the Aces tennis tournament taking place next week.
People from around the world, and by world I mean just solely Diamond City, had to perform a double-take recently after it was announced that legendary dancer Jimmy P. had died. The reason that people performed the double-take was because they confused him for the vastly more popular Jimmy T.
Patrons had quickly rushed to Club Sugar, but thankfully my knowhow sent me to Club Spice, where Jimmy P. actually performs. It was known that he performed here mainly because he wasn't famous enough to dance in Club Sugar.
Mourning his passing was the Legendary Dog Dancers, however, as they are not as legendary as the Legendary Cat Dancers I wisely ignored their comments. I spoke to the owner of Club Spice, but in his surprise that someone visited his bar instead of Club Sugar, he immediately collapsed. I heard that he may have died en route to hospital, but as I'm limited to one obituary a month, we'll just not care about him.
It is currently not known how exactly Jimmy P. died, but what is known is that his hair is just ludicrous. I'm sorry, but if I was some deadbeat dancer with no proper career, blonde would not be the colour of my afro, just saying. It's almost like he was trying to rip-off a much more famous dancer.
And what is up with that nose? It's one thing to try and rip-off the legendary Jimmy T., but are you seriously attempting to take Wario's nose off of him. What exactly would that achieve, other than giving you ginormous boogers to pick and flick everywhere?
Jimmy P's funeral will be held next week. A burial place has not yet been decided, but what has been decided is that when Jimmy T. dies, his gravesite will vastly eclipse Jimmy P's.
August is here, which can only mean one thing - it’s time for the August TV scheduling! There isn’t anything particularly special about this scheduling apart from a) it’s in August and b) it features a few cool shows, which I will talk about in this column. The best of tomorrow’s television is right here, right now - so keep reading for tomorrow’s top three shows!
New: Hopes In Ruins
Genre: Dystopian drama
Set in the Ruined Kingdom, a desolate wasteland whose last remaining inhabitants are in poverty and on the brink of death, this poignant drama sees Grummel, an adventurous Toad, begin a journey in an attempt to restore the kingdom to what it was before. In the first of four episodes, Grummel makes his way to a ruined tower, and is not ready for the dangers he finds there.
The Crazy Kongs: World of Music
Party Channel, 10pm
Genre: Reality show
Show following the lives of The Crazy Kongs, a one-hit wonder band consisting of Cranky, Diddy, Donkey and Dixie Kong. In tomorrow’s episode, the band are planning to release their new single, ‘Bananas Are The Sustenance We Rely On’, but promotional disagreements between the quartet and their manager, Mr K. Rool, threatens to halt proceedings.
Princess Peach’s Magical Adventures
MKBC Kids, 4.30pm
Princess Peach is the protagonist of this extremely sparkly series, where she is the most heroic and most magical princess in all of the land, and therefore uses these powers to help others, such as, to use tomorrow’s episode as an example, helping a little rabbit get home to his family. Very popular with little girls. And a few little boys, actually.
That’s more or less it from TV Tomorrow, so there’s nothing much left to do apart from expressing my wishes that all of you are able to watch some decent television this August, whether it be from the Mushroom Kingdom or not. Anyway, that’s all from me. See you in September!
This month, I bring you tales of my experience in the Golden Pyramid. Now, I must explain, for I know that knowledge of the ancient tomb has yet to become widespread. Just over a week ago, I stumbled across an archaeological journal which made mention of a great new find, a glimmering pyramid (aptly named the Golden Pyramid) located in the heart of the jungle. The general press release had apparently been deliberately suppressed for at least two weeks’ time. The rumours of great treasures located within the structure, the discoverer felt, might invite an unsavoury crowd of so called treasure hunters who amount to nothing more than common grave-robbers. That I had uncovered this information prior to its widespread public release was unsurprising; Flavio has always kept abreast of the literature. Flavio’s heart, that of an adventurer, was stirred. How could I pass up an opportunity to explore this structure from ages long since gone? Of course, Flavio is no common treasure-hunter. I did not for my own gain seek to collect the treasures of this archaeologically-rich structure. Good business sense, though, dictates that, if I cannot hope to bring back treasures that would allow me to offset my expenses, I cannot assemble the crew required to mount a full expedition. With this being the case, I set out, completely alone, to explore the Golden Pyramid.
To my great surprise, the entrance into the pyramid had already been uncovered by the time that I arrived. After assuring a, erm, dubious and crude scientist that I had no intentions to remove any artifacts from the pyramid, I was granted unrestricted access to the structure. The aforementioned scientist, Dr. Arewo, warned me that access into the recesses of the pyramid was currently blocked by unsolved puzzles and great beasts. With this situation, Flavio was content. I lacked the resources for an extensive expedition into the tomb’s depths, so a short trip through the entrance would suffice. This would be an enjoyable diversion from my duties as a tradesman and a Shop Scout, or… that’s what I thought when I entered…
The entry chamber was, for the most part, well-lit. Yet, I was transfixed by the still-darkened corners. It was not the beasts which I could see which disturbed me; the small waddling lumps posed less of a threat than a common Goomba. Rather, it was something in shadows which I could sense. Flavio is not usually so easily perturbed, but I could not rid myself of the sense that there was some dark force which had a grip on this pyramid. This deep-rooted fear which I felt while in that pyramid, it can only be compared to the sense of awe and terror I felt when the sky went dark in Rogueport. Of course, the strange hieroglyphs which adorned the walls of the passage did nothing to diminish the sinister atmosphere. On many of the passage’s walls, some sort of demonic humanoid figure was depicted carrying out a variety of actions. If there was ever an artistic depiction which Flavio can say with certainty fell into the uncanny valley, the hieroglyphs in this hall were it. Moreover, I kept catching momentary glimpses of a pair of golden eyes staring at me from the shadowy corners of the passage. As soon as I took notice of the observant creature, it disappeared, as if into the shadows.
Thankfully, Flavio soon made it out of this first hallway. While the atmosphere did not improve, I felt a tad more relaxed in the completely illuminated space. I was finally free from the frozen eyes of the hieroglyphs and the ethereal eyes of whatever beast lurked in the shadows. As I prepared to enter the next passage (and the only additional passage open at this point), I was roused from my contemplation of the pyramid’s nature by a loud hiss coming from behind. Turning quickly to face down whatever beast might be launching an attack, I caught sight of a cat scurrying out of the Hall of Hieroglyphs and into a side passage which I had not previously noticed. Now, one might think that this humorous jumpscare, innocent as it was, might bring levity to the situation and calm Flavio’s pounding heart. But you did not see what Flavio did. This was no ordinary feline. There was no fur on the creature; its body was composed of an inky black darkness given physical form. It was nothing more than blackness, no depth or dimension, with a pair of golden eyes in the vaguely feline-shaped blob of incomprehensible matter. I quickly concluded that this creature was some sort of demon; what else could such an unusual creature be? Though I feared that it might be the final decision of my life, I chased after the creature.
Entering the side passage, I glanced around the room. To my shock, this was no ordinary room of the pyramid. It was not another empty space surrounded by rock walls. Instead, I found myself in a well-furnished room complete with drink dispensers and electric lighting. I had little time to consider this development, though, for I soon caught glimpse of a sight which nearly sent me into shock. In front of Flavio stood the demon depicted upon the walls of the passage I had first entered. This humanoid apparition, much like the cat which led me to this room, appeared to be a void ripped in the fabric of reality. The figure, being such a pure and deep black, appeared two-dimensional, and possessed a pair of white eyes which floated in the darkness. You must imagine the indescribable terror that Flavio felt in that moment. I prepared to either fight or beg for my life. But Flavio’s exhausted heart received another jolt in that brief moment. Rather than assault me, the creature giggled and, in a sweet female voice with a sing-song lilt, asked if I needed assistance.
Too stunned to say anything, I warily watched as the creature set out boxes on a series of display stands in the center of the room. Each box was marked with a picture and a number. Once the creature finished setting boxes on all of the available display stands, it produced a ball composed of the same matter as its body and assumed a quite casual position. Rolling the ball underneath its foot, the creature asked if I wanted to purchase anything. I hurriedly looked over the boxes, figuring that the numbers must represent their costs, and I stammered out a request for the only one marked with the word “free”, as I had nothing of value on my person (excluding, of course, my clothing, which is far too valuable to barter away). Once again, the creature giggled before asking me to confirm my request. Not a moment after, a mouth appeared on the creature and it soon sported the sweetest and most earnest smile I have ever seen. Giggling the entire time, the creature gladly exclaimed “Here’s a smile for you!” My discomfort melted away; how could such a joyful and innocent creature pose any threat to Flavio? With the ice having been broken, I began conversing with the creature. I shall spare you the details, but I found that the creat- er- she was an intelligent and extremely kind being. We conversed and laughed for a good half of an hour. While she was strangely silent about herself and her intentions, it seemed that Flavio’s charm won her over. As our conversation drew to a close, she actually went so far as to offer me my choice of a free sample of any of her products. Inspecting the selection, I chose a box which appeared to depict some sort of demonic dog with a very large set of jaws. The shopkeeper confirmed my selection, and I found that… nothing happened. I thought it a very odd situation, but I did not want to irritate the shopkeeper by pressing her. Flavio was certainly not going to fuss over a free sample! Having made my purchase, if one might call it as much, I wished the shopkeeper the best and continued my quest towards the deepest passage of the pyramid which was currently open.
Soon after making my way into the passage, I heard a ferocious scream which sounded much like a child throwing a tantrum and the entire passageway began to violently shake. I feared the passageway might collapse, but, before I could make my way out or find cover to protect myself from falling rocks, I found myself face to face with an enormous beast which burst forth from the ground. The great beast resembled an eggplant and was accompanied by two much smaller versions of itself. It began charging at me with gnashing teeth and a twisted grin. Having been caught by surprise, I had no chance of escaping by running. As the creature’s maw came within an inch of me, I made my peace and prepared for my final moment. I shut my eyes and… was unharmed. Flavio was baffled. Opening my eyes, I saw that a vicious black canine with disproportionate jaws, much like the one I had seen on the box I had purchased from the shopkeeper, was biting down hard on the beast. The beast howled in pain and recoiled. The canine creature which had come to Flavio’s rescue continued biting down hard on the beast as it quickly glanced back and locked its glowing yellow eyes with my own. Flavio is not ignorant. Flavio received the message. While the canine kept the beast distracted, Flavio ran back down the passage and continued until he was safely outside of the pyramid. Making my way past the gaudy purple car which was being parked near the pyramid’s entrance, I quickly hopped in my own vehicle to return home.
I now sit in safety once again, thankful for my life. Having had time to reflect on my near-death experience, I have come to quite the realization. The canine which saved me, it possessed the same unnatural blackness and lack of dimension as the cat and the shopkeeper I had met. Is it, perhaps…? No, that is just rambling. Whatever the case might be, I have no doubts that I owe my life to the shopkeeper in the pyramid. I did not expect to find this unusual Item Shop during my trip to the Golden Pyramid, certainly. Flavio does not scoff at serendipitous opportunities, though! While it is unlikely that any of my dear readers will venture out to this tomb, I must, in my official capacity as a Shop Scout, recommend you visit the pyramid’s Item Shop if you do venture within. Your purchases there may quite well save your life.
Selling Out Issue VII: A Not So Cheep Cheep Deal
From the Author
Greetings, dear readers. I hope you all have enjoyed the past six months of Selling Out so far as much as I have. I did want to make a quick announcement here before I went onto a few other things. First off, next month I will not be writing this section due to transitioning to college life. Standing in for me will be Hooded Pitohui (talk), who will take over for the month of September. I’ll be back in October with some more properties. In other news, you may see that this issue of Selling Out looks a bit different. I wanted to give a graphical update to the section to try and make it more professional and engaging. Otherwise please enjoy this month's issue, and I will see you all in October.
Real Estate is a commodity central to many of life’s operations from simple housing to exchanges with others through business, outreach from a focus group, or service through a non-profit. Business, of course, being among the largest and most diverse of these operations. There are some out there who dream of owning a small shop along the main street in a charming old town, or others who want to build the next great commercial empire by hand. Both groups, of course, start in little out of the way operations, but at some point, the latter group will need to expand to multiple stores, and, eventually, a corporate headquarters. So Realah T. has got something special for that second group of people, and this is one time you shouldn't mind your own business.
|22F Cheep Cheep Towers Overview|
|Square Footage||8352 ft²|
|Year Last Updated||X598|
|Heating System||Heat Pump|
|Notable Materials/Features||Rebar (Support Material), Drywall, Laminate Desks, Fabric Coated Cubicles, State of the Art Break Room/Cafeteria|
|Current Value (Type: Yearly Rent)|
|Value Trend (Type: Quarterly)||▲ 0.7%|
|Averages Years Owned||12|
The property located about 450 miles (869 km) north of the Sand Kingdom’s northern border was built a little over 30 years ago in X572 as part of a revitalization project of the local and extended metropolitan area. With the local government lowering property taxes a fair number of businesses were expected to flock to the city, so a place would be needed to house them, thus Cheep Cheep Towers were born. They were a group of three skyscrapers fashioned into a triangle and connected by walkways at various levels. Each tower was a different size as to accommodate businesses of varying budgets. On-site a large number of amenities were present which the businesses would be encouraged to use by providing a reduced cost as compared to private local operations. All these moves were made in order to maximize the inflow of money to the local government without needed to pose hefty taxes upon its citizens.
In particular, the 22nd floor used to be home to a series of companies till its most recent stint on the market. As of now the most notable were a corporate entity for a hardware company, call center for a telecommunications company, and oddly enough an embassy for a foreign power (though that did not last too long). All of these companies left for various reasons, some found better offices elsewhere. So something needed to be done to retain them longer. As the markets improved the local government became increasingly dependent upon these companies as a major factor in their economic well being. Due to many companies needing to find better spaces with the rising cost and lower quality of the offices, several renovations took place throughout the years the most recent happening seven years ago. This helped to improve the rate of renewed leases from many of the occupants, and gained worldwide attention as international businesses started to compete for the office space.
Guide to the Property
The 22nd floor is accessed by a dual elevator shaft which is monitored daily for any potential troubles. It opens up into the heart of the floor which connects its three most important components, the two cubicle sets, and meeting area. While rather blank the main objective of the area is to feel like a secondary home to the occupants. This is accomplished through a carpeted floor and a series of light fixtures which do not overwhelm the area with a cold and artificial glow. Though that can be achieved by visiting the make-up store on the first floor.
The left and right exits both open up upon a set of 12 cubicles. Though these are more akin to individual offices as to increase employee morale. Each space is approximately 8x6 feet and accessed by a single pane glass door. Each can house one employee and comes with a laminate desk pre-installed. All the cubicles are contained in their own walled-off space accessible by a series of two hallways per set. This is done to create a sense of trust between the employees and administration with them not watching every move their workers make. This all really helps create an office-ient operation.
Above each cubicle set is a break area/cafeteria for the workers. Each of these are meant to be easily accessed by the employees for their preferential environment. The Cafeteria features the only tiled floor within the office space and is meant to simulate a state-of-the-art home kitchen/dining room combo. Its primary features are the double door refrigerator and stainless steel oven. The granite countertops help tie the space together and give it a timeless look. The oak wood tables provide the perfect space for your foodie employees to dine.
The Break Room takes a far different approach from the Cafeteria. It is stylized after a home lounge instead and aims to please a wider audience. A wall to wall bookshelf lines the far end of the room with plenty of space to accommodate to nearly every genre. If an employee wishes to read during their break they are able to choose between a series of tables which comprise the back seating area. The main area of the room features three couches centered around a coffee table and all facing towards a television. This area is meant for the more social employees as well as the visually oriented. The gathering space as a whole is meant to foster office connections and a sense of community among employees.
Between each of these sets lies the Administration Offices and Meeting Room. The former are comprised of wood paneled walls which are meant to serve as plush offices for the company management or executives depending upon its size. These have been left empty as to be tailored to their individual liking. The meeting room itself consists of a long dark wood table lined with 38 seats in the event the entire floor needs to conduct a meeting with 18 chairs on each side and a singular one at each end. Upon the back wall are a series of pull-down screens for use during presentations which are set across from the series of projectors just above the central table. This space will really meet your expectations.
Lastly, but certainly not least is the HR Office, which is located at the front of the floor. As it is central to the operation of the entire floor, it features an open office style type plan so that the employees do not feel restricted when it becomes necessary to visit. Plenty of filing cabinets line the walls and towards the back is an area partitioned off in order for interviews or more private meeting to be conducted. The rest of the area has been left rather bare as to allow the company which occupies the space to determine the most beneficial set-up.
This property is meant to serve as a corporate office for mid-size businesses in terms of labor forces, but with a high yearly profit. As the area continues to grow and businesses continue to thrive the costs will continue to increase. So if your business has been contemplating a move for some time, Realah T. suggests you act now before the market puts it out of your reach. Be sure to call Realah T. at today (868) 259-7325.
|The 'Shroom: Issue 137|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing|
|Specials||Awards 2018 Art Contest Results|