The 'Shroom:Issue 126/Fake News
Welcome once again to the Fake News!
Unfortunately, we will be losing a writer this month - The Pyro Guy (talk) will be resigning from the Cooking Guide to focus on school work. We wish him luck for the future and hope to see him return some day!
Section of the Month
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
A disaster has rocked the Mario Kart Wii community to its core, after fan-favourite
 Funky Kong flew off of DK Mountain, and died in the ensuing accident.
The race was stopped 40 minutes after the accident, with Funky Kong's close friend Donkey Kong winning. When organisers were pressed as to why the race wasn't stopped sooner, they told me: "People regularly fly off of our tracks, how we were supposed to know this was any different from all those times?" Further analysis revealed that the organiser was telling the truth as drivers regularly fall off high crevasses, get hit by explosives, and occasionally fall into lava.
In his life, Funky Kong was an accomplished businessman, operating a plane service, a rental service, and even a weapons store. However, when the latter business was brought up with the family, they fully denied all knowledge of its existence, and I was promptly shown the door. Luckily, a passing child told me that Funky was "great" for giving him a Pineapple Launcher, whatever that is, for completely free with no questions asked.
I went to talk to the Kongs about Funky's death, but sadly I could not understand their monkey language, so I just politely nodded throughout the whole encounter. I guess if I give them a Banana it'll be fine.
The surfing community will however be deeply affected by his loss, as he was renowned for being able to "tear up" on the waves. However, no one cares about surfing, so I instead asked the horse racing community what they thought. Sadly, they snubbed me, as they had no idea who Funky Kong was.
Funky Kong's funeral will take place next week, and will be attended by the Kong family, and close friends. King K. Rool was been asked not to appear, and so has the Mario Kart Wii community, on fear that they will actually celebrate Funky's death.
Hello, my fellow members of the Mushroom Kingdom! It's me, Arch, here to bring you another edition of travel guide!
Today, we’re going to go to a very exotic location: Noki Bay!
As you can see, I’m not a big fan of locations like this with a lot of sunlight. Luckily for me, Noki Bay has many shady spots. Also fortunately for me, the water is no longer poisoned, as everyone’s favorite plumber visited this place and distilled the water in the famous Delfino War of 2002. Also thanks to that “pesky plumber”, the waterfall is flowing again and Eely-Mouth has good oral hygiene!
Speaking of Eely-Mouth, he’s surprisingly cool for a sea eel. If you ever need worldly wisdom or advice on life, he can provide it. According to some records, he’s been around for 5,000 years, which is insane.
While in Noki Bay, you can go see the Tricky Ruins, where Gooper Blooper and Mario did battle 15 years ago. I’m sure there is a Noki who will take you to the top of the ruins for the right amount of Blue Coins. (Author’s Note: For some reason the Pianta and Noki value Blue Coins over Yellow Coins. I have no clue why.)
After seeing the Tricky Ruins, I was awfully thirsty, so I got a bottle I found to drink. It instead transported me inside of the bottle, which was peculiar. Inside the bottle I found a small house, and inside there was a book. The book’s titled was too faded to read, but inside was the original demo for Paper Mario: Sticker Star from back when it was like The Thousand Year Door! I considered it a score, so I took it with me when I left the bottle. Also in the area is a very beautiful waterfall! You can take tourist hikes up this area of the surrounding mountain range, which I recommend. Once up there, you can see the entirety of the bay in its prime. It’s very breathtaking and will probably leave you in awe.
The odds were in my favor on this trip it seems, as I saw III Piantissimo on this trip. While this was not the same celebrity Mario once faced (He’s retired and now an accountant), his son was very similar, and in fact, looked almost exactly the same! I got an autograph from him on a photo I have.
Unfortunately, he didn’t know how to spell my name right. That aside, it seems that he frequents this area a lot, so keep an eye out for him!
There are also rock-climbing tours to get to the top of one of the cliff faces in the area. For some reason at the Bay’s peak, there is a strange giant Koopa Shell. Don’t go inside it unless you want to see something extremely trippy.
One thing that makes this place even more spectacular are the beautiful Golden Birds. If you see one, be sure to give it a wave for me!
Overall, despite the constant exposure to the sun, my trip to Noki Bay was a fun one, and highly recommend it to those who love tropical getaways!
Hello, 'Shroom readers! Come closer, as I, the one, the only, clumsy but bold Koops ventures throughout the Marioverse to give you pieces of advice on whether or not you should visit some random location that I want to present to you!
This time, we are heading to a way bigger destination than last time, Toad City! Now that's what I'm talking about! I know there are a lot of you toads who are probably reading this at the moment who live in Toad City, but let's face it. It's so big you haven't discovered it all yet, so maybe that's worth it. Plus, most of the people I know don't live there, like my colleagues there. Anyway, let's not drift away from the actual section shall we?
So Toad City is HUUUUGE! You will find tons of things to do there I don't even think I can cover them all in this section! What? What is that look you're giving me? Oh! So you want me to cover everything in ONE section? You can't do that to me, I'm a 'Shroom Newbie! Well okay I did write a section before, but trust me, it's way harder to come up with the script than your little brains think! What now? You're making puppy eyes? Sorry, but it's not wor........ kiiiiiing! Ok, Ok! Fine! I'll do it! Or at least I'll try! Don't go crying to my toes if you don't like how long it is though, that's what you asked for!
So anyway, back to where we left off! Toad city is HUUUUGE! Everything in this city is great, at a point that you might be trapped there forever! Ok, not literally, but yeah, the things you can do there are almost unlimited! First off, let us talk about the main attraction of Toad City, Toad Town! The Town is located somewhere in the far north of Toad City, and for good reason! That's where Peach's castle is, so yeah! If you go to Toad City you can actually meet the Princess in Person! And if you happen to run into Mario or Luigi while they're making their ways to the castle, then you are even more lucky! Except they will be jumping around on roofs and statues to get there, so I guess that makes it harder... in Toad Town you will find the basic "village stuff", like shops, inns and whatever else comes to mind when you think "villages". So yeah, aside Peach's castle, there is nothing that interesting. North of Toad Town you'll find nothing more than Star Haven, but that's not even part of Toad City, so moving on!
Let's see here, next we have... Toad Harbor! The place is located on the shore, I mean of course it's a harbor what did you expect? So anyway, one thing's for sure, the place growls with tramways! Some have even reported 8 run overs a year! Oh sorry, month! I meant month! So yeah, apart from that, the place has been nominated as a Mario Kart track in 2014, because they figured the tramways would make good obstacles. Anyway, the harbor is beautiful, there's this clocktower which brings a more... harbor-y feel to the harbor with those bells that keep ringing every hour! And last but not least, this place has the most delicious fish I ever tasted! Seriously, the main reason you wanna come here is the fish! Just the fish, Man! Come here for the tramways, the bells, the races, to get ran over by tramways, but you have to try the fish!
Did that go overboard? Yeah I think so too. Anyway, thanks to the fresh fish these guys fish, Toad Harbor is the biggest sea market in the whole Marioverse! Yeah, that's a big score, I tell ya!
So now that we've cleared Toad Harbor out of the way, let's talk about another location in Toad City that has earned its spot in the Mario Kart races, Toad's Turnpike! Yes, I know, it's a day for uncreative names, but the road has more to it than it appears to at first glance.
Toad's Turnpike is, you guessed it, another of Toad City's locations to be a destination for races. Stuntmen are hired to drive the cars and trucks that are made obstacles in the race, because come on, what kind of truck would be carrying a blue glider ramp? To make the cars fly and land in the bushes, no man, not happening! And think of the fact that one can propel a car in the air by hitting it with a bullet bill or Super Star, do you think that is illegal to do on people who didn't want to be part of the race? Anyway, there's not just races, there's the whole Turnpike itself that has its surprises! It's filled with restaurants, gas stations, parkings, restaurants, and parkings, and restaurants! There are even a lot of advertisements, if you're interested in that.
Next off, we have Super Bell Subway, located somewhere in the southeast of Toad Harbor, as seen on the pictured map. Super Bell Subway is the main way you're going to get around in Toad City, and yes, the Subway too has been nominated as a racetrack for Mario Kart, Toad City is that popular. The subway is always crowded, always overpopulated, many people sleep there and catch the train at any time, it's like they live in the subways. The reason Super Bell subway is more famous than the others is the fact that it makes for a great racetrack, so most of the people who sleep there are here for the races.
Now, I am going to show you something you will not forget, even if you forget me one day, which is impossible, but anyway, let's get there!
See, at night, sometimes, in Golden Bell station, a train station, a flying train carrying coins will occasionally stop by, and if you catch it, you will get taken to one of the most beautiful places you will ever look at.
I am now in rainbow road, a road that's a rainbow. I'm pretty sure I mentioned it in last issue, but this rainbow road is different. This rainbow road it outstanding, mostly because from this rainbow road you can see the entirety of Toad City from here. At night, when the sky is dark and the lights are on, that is just by far, the greatest view on the City you can ever find, you can even see Peach's statue from here! That is just so majestic, man. Unfortunately I need to come down NOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwww...... <echo> <crash>
<distant voice>I'm okay!<distant voice>
So hey guys, I'm now in the hospital. Doctor said I'll be fine... but he was using a sarcastic voice so to be honest, I'm kinda confused right now. Anyway, I'll see you in the next issue. Until then, peace everyone!
Welcome back to TV Tomorrow, the column that puts the 'what' into 'what's on the box?' Otherwise it would just be ''s on the box?' and that wouldn't make any sense. So let's get to what that 'what' is - the top three programmes on tomorrow in the Mushroom Kingdom!
The Shroomlock Files: The Plumber in the Garden
Genre: Murder mystery
Eight years ago, the popular detective series The Shroomlock Files ended its final season, but it's temporarily returning with a special hour-long episode. A mysterious plumber, known as Marino, is found dead in a flowery garden, but with no clue as to what the murder weapon was, Shroomlock must unravel this case using psychology alone.
New: Mario and Luigi's Wonderful Towns of the Mushroom Kingdom
Genre: Travel documentary
In this six-part series, beloved heroes Mario and Luigi - and their sons - take a trip around the Mushroom Kingdom to find some of the most picturesque towns and villages. Today, their trip takes them to Toad Town, where they encounter some wonderful old houses, and then to the hills of World 1, where some beautiful Toad villages still remain.
Underwater Lands Political Debate
MKBC Politics, 7.30pm
Genre: Political debate
If you're into your politics this is the show for you. At the upcoming Underwater Lands general election, Mega Blooper faces potential crisis as a four-person committee aims to bring an end to his tyrannical rule. They settle their differences a week before the vote here, on this debate, where they will be discussing everything political.
If you're not into murder mysteries, travel documentaries or political debates, then don't worry! There's something for everyone as long as you can get the Mushroom Kingdom channels, accessible by... oh, just read the end of last month's article. For now, though, your 'what' in 'what's on the box?' has been suitably placed. See you next time!
Howdy-doo, everybody! Everything’s all hunky-dory here in Game Corner land! I think I might just take a jolly little stroll through th-
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I don’t know why this is being made or even how this is being made…but I can tell you this…
I will ever review this monstro- Sorry, what was that?
I already did the section header?
Now before I get to ripping into this sorry excuse for a story, let me just say that by doing this review, I am in NO WAY endorsing the buying and selling of Hotel Mario 2 game discs. GameStop isn’t going to sell it, USRB isn’t going to screen it, and I’m not going to buy it. In fact, I did the honorable thing and pirated this game to make sure no profits were made, and I suggest you do the same. Now that I think of it, I have a hunch that the ROM may have been secretly provided by Nintendo employees. Those brave souls. Kind of wish they picked a less shady website. As soon as I downloaded the game, I started getting a boatload of terrible pop-ups and spam mail:
Anywho, the story of this game is a direct continuation of the previous game’s. I don’t think I can explain it any better than the back of the box:
Yeah, I’m right there with ya, IGN guy. And judging by the terribleness of what I just read, I’m sure the HM2 marketing goon is too.
Now you may be thinking that the story doesn’t really matter too much in the grand scheme of things. Well, it does if there’s a cutscene after EVERY SINGLE LEVEL! ALL 108 OF THEM! Seriously, though! The plot of this game is so straightforward, yet somehow they’re able to spread it paper thin over a movie’s worth of cutscenes! Bowser’s minions are doing bad stuff at a hotel, Mario and Luigi stop it and save Peach, Peach turns out to be a decoy android or something, wash, rinse, repeat. I guess when you have zero interest in producing any sort of quality, it opens the door for a lot more in quantity. Don’t even get my started on the animation. But don’t worry. We’ll get there…
If you thought the story was bad, just wait until you see the gameplay. Ugh. First of all, it doesn’t help that the game straight up forces you to play with a CD-I controller peripheral, no matter what system you are playing on. If you try any other controller, you just get this error message:
In all honesty, the main problem with this game is that they tried to emulate the original experience a little TOO much (although one could argue that any similarities to the original at all automatically lower the score by at least 3 points). I’ve even heard that the designers of the controller made sure to shove a piece of chewing gum in every button to get the sticky, unresponsive feel from the original. So, yeah. Needless to say, the controls for this game aren’t exactly intuitive. They actually occasionally LITERALLY work against you. Sometimes left goes right, right goes left, up goes diagonal, start turns the game off, and reset adjusts the color saturation.
Anyway, the actual game is very similar to the original. Mario must close all of the doors on a level to move to the next. Only this time, literally everything is after you. Living or not, all the stuff in the hotel is cursed by the aforementioned Bell Boy Koopa, whose official art is seen below:
You face a different version of this absurd fanfiction character at the end of each hotel, and let me tell you, it’s EXTREMELY fun.
Actually, no. It’s just more closing doors with a guy chasing you casting weird “bell boy related spells” (and no, I can’t describe that in any greater detail).
With all this stuff going on, it might seem like the odds are stacked against you as the player, but you do have the power of memes on your side, as the game box suggests. Unfortunately, the only ones I could figure out how to do are Mario’s obvious “No” ability to temporarily shield yourself from enemies, and Luigi’s “Lotsa Spaghetti” attack. Really, without anything other moves, there’s just no way to win. I tried looking it up on GameFAQs, but they seem to have more important problems to worry about.
Ah, whatever. I can’t imagine this game getting any better anyway. My mind is made up on this. I can just download a 100% file from the website I went to before. Let me just- UGH…
Look, I could just reiterate what I said about trying to emulate the original experience too much and be done with this. The in-game graphics are good enough, I guess, but those cutscenes, man. If you’ve seen the original, you know what I’m talking about here. But…since I’m thorough (and because I want you to understand my pain), I’ll go into more detail.
As the one positive, the lengths they went to to make the drawings look as similar as possible is remarkable, although I can’t help but feel that it’s a little obsessive. The fact that they bothered releasing this on CD-I at all is pushing it, but it gets crazier. They tried for at least three years to track down the original illustrators, but whether it’s drinking themselves to death, clinical depression, or just plain common sense, none could participate. So, they got the next best thing.
Shigeru Miyamoto’s six-year-old daughter was given the job.
And she did it perfectly, I might add. I could show you the actual cutscenes, but I don’t really feel like going through the hassle of adding the “Strong Content” label to this article, so instead I’ll give you the concept art, and you can just imagine it drawn slightly better and with unnatural and disturbing movements:
Okay, got it? Now multiply it by 108…
It’s okay to cry. I don’t mind.
If you beat this game, I’m sorry.
However, you can still enjoy the alternate modes, which are fairly decent compared with the rest of the game. In fact, unless you’re a reviewer, you should probably just download the completed version from the get-go. This is really the only somewhat enjoyable part.
The first mode is unique and fun. You see, after the game is over, you unlock the Super YouTube Poop editor! That’s right, you can now mix and destroy your favorite Hotel Mario cutscenes with memes and trash within the actual game! Think of the possibilities! One-hundred-and-eight terrible cutscenes to play around with. And the best part is, once you edit a cutscene, you can save it to the actual game and watch your new version play between levels! You can even set certain triggers to skip around to other levels and cutscenes to make a truly unique experience! It’s still a terrible game, no matter what order you play it in, but at least your suffering has breaks for some levity!
Unfortunately, any major points this section gains, it loses with the other mode:
I don’t know why, but for some reason, Nintendo felt it necessary to add a Princess Peach and Toad dating simulator mode to the trash pile:
I’m not telling you how it ends. You don’t want to know.
Don’t buy this. Don’t play this. If you want to see the cutscenes, find them online. If you want to make a YouTube Poop, use movie maker or something. If you want to see Toad and Peach getting it on…that’s your prerogative. Besides, there’s like 100,000 results for it on Google. You don’t need this game. The internet is a wonderfully terrible place.
I can’t wait to finish this so I can go…I don’t know, read a book or something. Anything to cleanse my mind.
Okay, so here’s the deal. I just found out that when I downloaded that last file from that shady website, I accidentally put a virus on to my computer. It has already hacked my social medias and posted some pretty…embarrassing pictures. It is currently in the process of emailing my browser history to all my friends and family…which I now realize has the phrase “toad x peach fanfiction” on it. Sigh…. Well, I guess that’s all for now. So if you’ll excuse me, I have to make a few phone calls to my relatives explaining some things, and maybe a couple to some doctors: one for the emotional damage this game put me through, and another because I’m fairly certain the computer virus has spread wirelessly to my pacemaker….
This is going to be a long night…
As it's autumn, I decided to go for a stroll through Maple Treeway, that park they ruined by turning it into a racetrack. Don't get me wrong, it still looks nice and all, but getting shot out of a cannon on my way in was hardly relaxing. Eventually, I came across a little shop called Maple Furniture, run by a pair of Wigglers. The two craft the furniture themselves using wood and other materials from the forest.
While you do have to question how much business a shop located in the middle of a park gets, if you're looking to refurbish your home (or if you know somebody who has recently passed away and will fit into that oddly-shaped coffin) Maple Furniture is the perfect shop for you.
Welp, I guess I'll let fate decide what to do next.
So what path will I take?
Making an actual meal? I guess it's been a while.
Right then; if this is the final issue, then I want to not only make an actual meal, but one that is probably actually doable, maybe?
How about a meatloaf? This thing is my absoulte favourite thing to make; and I've only ever made it once, and that was for this issue. That's how great it is.
So as the name suggests, you'll need some meat. The beef I buy (apparently) comes from this farm, Moo Moo Meadows. Those cows look kinda low-poly, though... I bet you could skewer somebody with the N64 meat that comes from them.
Another key ingredient is the egg. I didn't want to get into the ethics of cooking a Yoshi Egg, and for those of you who share that fear of conflict, I hear there's a certain individual that can supply you with regular eggs instead. I didn't ask for the source of the eggs though; don't know, don't care.
Aaaand there goes the 3D budget. You could probably already tell by the stock photo in the last frame.
Next on the list is paprika... huh. I don't think there's a Mario version of that, so how about... mustard. Okay, not that either. Breadcrumbs?
It turns out barely any of these ingredients canonically exist.
Of course, I could just 'look' for a place where I could realistically get them without contradicting anything.
The rest of the ingredients were found in a cancelled 1998 demo of Mario's Walmart Adventure, and I am not willing to expand on that statement.
- About 900g of good minced beef
- A crushed clove of garlic
- A tablespoon of mustard
- A heaped tablespoon of ketchup (tomate purée if you're feeling intellectual)
- An egg, without the shell
- A medium onion, nicely sliced
- 110g of breadcrumbs
- Half a teaspoon of paprika spice
Now, the best thing about this recipe is...
The only thing you need to do is mix them all together! Spend a few minutes getting everything in a nice clump of food, and that's all the preperation you need.
Once that's done, just pat it into a cuboid and put it in the oven for about an hour and a half.
And there you have it; one meatloaf, ready to go. Of course, you may want sauce to go with it, but I'm not getting paid enough to cover that. Well, I'm not getting paid at all, but I hear no one else does.Unfortunately, this is the last time you'll see this section from me; I've got places to go and people to see. By 'places' I mean getting good exam results and by 'people' I mean said good exam results. I assume you can understand my priorities. So, I hope you've enjoyed reading this section for the past year and a bit, and maybe even had a chuckle, but now you should reserve your chuckles for other sections. Goodbye!
|The 'Shroom: Issue 126|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • 'Shroom Achievements • The 'Shroom Spotlight|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing|
|Specials||Meta Knight's Awards Reflections • Community Awards X • Awards Analysis • Killing Game: Closing Argument|