The 'Shroom:Issue XXXVII/Fake News
Director's Notes (Super Mario Bros.)
Hey guys, SMB here covering for Ralph. We had a bit of a predicament which resulted in Ralphfan not being able to properly direct the Fake News this month, but I decided to come and help by directing the Fake News this month. I can tell you that it was pretty fun directing the Fake News this month, a nice switch-up for me. Don't blame me if the format of this issue's Fake News is a bit different from how it is normally, but I'm doing the best that I can here. Tongue
Normally, a sign-up for empty positions would go here, but I won't do that because Ralph is not able to recieve interviews until... Just about next month's issue. So expect that to be on next month's Fake News.
And a thank you goes to all Fake News writers who were able to get their sections sent to me on such short notice! I'd also like to thank Paper Jorge (talk), who was initially going to make a special comic this issue, although plans fell through and he couldn't for various reasons. Maybe Ralph will be recieving a comic in his inbox next month, who knows? ^_^
Now, to start off with the actual Fake News, here comes Ralph with his Travel Guide (which he sent to me via other means). Smiley
Travel Guide (Ralphfan)
Warm weather is approaching, and most people are enjoying the break from a harsh winter. There are, however, some wackjobs who beg to differ. If you happen to be one of those wackjobs, come spend a weekend at snowy DK Summit! We feature twelve lodges, and freezing temperatures throughout the summer! Better than that, we also have inconsiderate Shy Guys who ski without caring if they crash in to you!
Fake Game: New Super Mario Bros. Wii: The Day I Lost my M (Edofenrir)
We all know it, and the latest games all show it: Nintendo is tired of its various franchises and is secretly trying to throw everything together in a giant melting pot. Now, at the E³ I held in my garage last Saturday Nintendo confirmed that their latest game will follow this trend. After Super Smash Bros. and Mario & Sonic, we get this exquisite pearl of a game: New Super Mario Bros. Wii: The Day I Lost my M, a Wii game announced for 2011. And this game seems to be a bomb, since it combines the universes of Mario and Metroid. You heard right. But what will happen in this game? Will Mario and Samus join forces to beat up space dragons and dragon turtles together? I played this game exclusively for The ’Shroom, because... well, what else should I do? I don’t know.
|Edofenrir: Hello readers. Today, while shopping in the Toad Town grocery, I coincidentally ran into Yoshio Sakamoto and Shigeru Miyamoto, the guys in charge of Metroid and Mario respectively, and since they had nothing better to do, they agreed to take part in an interview about their latest game.|
|Miyamoto: Man, my head still hurts from that "agreement".|
|Sakamoto: Didn’t he just knock us out with a large ham?|
|Edofenrir: Ok, I need to remember taking those comments out before the print. Ahem.|
So, the latest Mario game also features content from the Metroid series. Mr. Miyamoto, what brought you to this decision?
|Miyamoto: Well, you see Mr. Ebonseldy, like I tried to demonstrate in New Super Mario Bros. Wii, creating a good game is like making a cake. First you need to find a good bottom, like "Mario is the hero and saves something". And then you add the ingredients. Common ingredients like "Princess" and "Giant Bipedal Turtle" are good, but sometimes cake bakers get really bored, and then they add something crazy to the mix, like water pumps, dinosaurs, or spaghetti. That’s fun.|
|Edofenrir: So in other words: The decision was completely random?|
|Miyamoto: Yes. Random makes good cakes.|
|Edofenrir: And that works out all the time?|
|Miyamoto: Ehh... not all the time. Sometimes you go too far and the whole cake explodes in your face and all over the dirty ground. But a good company is prepared for that. If our cakes explode all over the place, we put the remains together, pour cream and frosting over them, sell the whole mess, and hope people won’t notice the difference.|
|Edofenrir: So basically, Nintendo’s success is a giant sticky ball of sugar, frosting, dust from the ground, and cake mixture... with people inside?|
|Miyamoto: Yes ^__^|
|Edofenrir: I see...|
So, Mr. Sakamoto, how do you like Metroid’s inclusion into the new Mario game?
|Sakamoto: I like cake.|
|Edofenrir: Oh... uhm... yeeeeeah... |
I suppose this is the end of the interview. I’d hoped it would be longer, but I have to go buy pancakes before the shops close. Toodle-oo
|Miyamoto: Wait, aren’t you going to untie us before you leave? Hey, come back! Heeeey!!!|
|Sakamoto: I really want a cake now...|
Now, the story of this game is somewhat weird. It is about Samus Aran stealing Mario’s Hat, and Mario must get it back. That’s right, Samus is the villain of this game. Now why would Samus do such a thing? The answer lies somewhere else. The game can be seen as a direct sequel to Metroid Other M, yet another Nintendo game that hasn’t been released yet. Now let me elaborate on this. While Yoshio Sakamoto (guy in charge of Metroid) went to the bathroom during my E³, he carelessly left his briefcase unguarded. Being the friendly guy I am I snatched the briefcase to prevent the secret manuscripts inside from being read by nosy fans. So, after nosily reading the secret manuscripts, I uncovered the secret of Metroid Other M’s story, which is essential to get the story of the new Mario game.
A short summary Metroid Other M’s secret story: The game begins during a ferocious battle between Samus Aran and the Space Pirates. Then there are some notes that read "throw in some epic cutscenes to make the game longer". But then suddenly, something unexpected happens: A missile hits the title screen of the game, and breaks the "M" in Metroid. And since "Etroid" is inarguably a really, really stupid name, all of the Space Pirates burst into laughter. Samus, embarrassed for life, vows to find another M to restore her lost honor. Now we know why the game is called "Other M".
Now what does that have to do with anything? The story of the game I am actually reviewing begins shortly after that, with the anniversary of the first day Mario rescued Princess Peach from Bowser. The celebration doesn’t last very long, though, as Samus quickly swoops in, grabs Mario’s hat, and leaves. Her plan is to use the M on Mario’s cap as "the other M". Mario, angered by the cool breeze that taunts his naked head, sets out to chase the intergalactic bounty hunter through the Mushroom Kingdom. While travelling, he must avoid traps, enemies, and also Princess Peach, who somehow has teamed up with Bowser because, in her opinion, Mario is chasing the wrong blonde girl on their anniversary. After Mario confronts and defeats Bowser, Peach, and Samus, he quickly sets a time bomb (don’t ask) and escapes. The time bomb then blows up the entire planet, which struck me as a bit odd when I played that part.
The game mechanics of this game are like those of a 2D platformer. Mario travels from left to right through sidescrolling landscapes. For some reason, though, Mario’s moveset is the same as that of Samus from the old Metroid games, as if their whole engine had just been pasted over a Mario game. Our heroic plumber can even use most of the different weapons of Samus’s Power Suit, despite the obvious lack of said suit. I asked Miyamoto about this, but all he replied was: "Eh... Super Mario is a simple guy; all he cares about is saving the world. And if he needs to shoot missiles from his nose, then he can shoot missiles from his nose. No need for complicated explanations. ^__^"
The game features eight worlds in total, which vary from underground caves, to underground tunnels, to underground labyrinths. The game doesn’t skimp with graphics here, and throws beautiful shades of grey, brown, and black at you. The fauna of these worlds include Mario-esque enemies like Goombas, Koopas, Thwomps, and, for some reason, Metroids. When I asked Sakamoto about the sudden presence of this lifeform in the Mushroom World he replied: "I like Metroids." Regardless of this inconsistency, the game stays mostly true to the mechanics of Metroid, including the famous special reward for players who complete the game very fast. A fellow gamer I interviewed after playing the game praised the ending with the words "Oh my Poochy, if I were you, I’d wait at least 25 hours before completing the game. My eyes!"
During the game, Mario can find several upgrades hidden in the Mushroom World, including:
This game is weird. Really weird. After completing it, I talked to Shigeru Miyamoto, and he told me that if this game becomes a success, he will make a sequel by mixing even more franchises with Mario to form a colourful Mario glop. How he plans to make a sequel when Mario just blew up the Mushroom World... I don’t know. I asked him, but all the man said was: "What explosion? ^__^". That’s Shigeru Miyamoto for you folks, the man who can eliminate even the biggest plot-holes through sheer narrative brilliance. That or whatever it is called that the guy does.
So, this game can be fun, despite its weirdness. It may occur that you get a headache during the first hours, but then, after the majority of your brain cells die and you start drooling all over the carpet, you begin to ignore the horrendous plot-holes and design errors, and you begin to develop a feeling which could be interpreted as fun. If it is really fun or something worse, I don’t know. The only thing I know is that I should probably see a doctor after this...
Cooking Guide (Baby Mario Bloops)
Good day, everyone out there, and welcome to the Cooking Guide! This your host, Baby Mario Bloops, and I'm sorry to say that because of
budget drop certain reasons, we do not have any special guest.
Today, I am going to show you the best way of how to make the Fire Pop!
By now, you should comprehend the concept of making a more challenging yet more delicious recipe of the product above. Let's begin with what you need:
- A Fire Flower
- A bag of Cake Mix
- A Mixing bowl and spoon
- A thick piece of string with/without popsicle stick
- A glass jar with a lid
- Something sharp to make a hole
- A pencil
- A working freezer
- Go straight to Shy Guy's Toybox and find the Shy Guy holding the cake mix. Quickly jump him until he gives you what you want.
- Go to the nearest store and buy a fire flower. No challenge there.
- Head back to the kitchen with all the supplies, and get everything set out.
- Put the fire flower and the cake mix in the mixing bowl, and stir until all mushy. Add water and continue stirring until it is a liquid.
- Pour mixture into the glass jar, and set it aside.
- Put a hole in the lid with your sharp object.
- Take the string and poke it through the hole, and then tie it around the pencil. If you are using the stick, make sure that you tie it nice and secure around the base of it.
- Put lid back on the jar, and spin it back on.
- Now wait for about two weeks for the mixture to harden into crystals. In result of the fire flower, it will create the perfect circle that you see on every other kind.
- Once done, and if you use the stick, you have the Fire Pop that you can enjoy, just make sure that you don't burn your tounge on this spicy treat!
This month's advertisement is none other than the *trumpets playing* Starman!
*audience claps and cheers*
HA! Fooled you. It's actually the boring and common Brick Block.
*audience boos and applausing stops*
Yep, it's just an ordinary Brick Block...that has...no special uses or powers...
However, it is completely (or almost) indestructible. It can serve as a table when there is no more when your family members come over. It can serve as a nice and very
uncomfortable soft chair. Not only that, but it's also extremely heavy, weighing in about 300 pounds or so. No robber would want to steal anything that heavy, although you may want to rethink about reorganizing your room with that thing. What's even better? It only takes about 20 square feet of space. I know, unbelievable!
This is definitely a unique piece of furniture that everyone in your house would like. We are not responsible for any damages caused to the foundation of your house.
HURRY BEFORE THEY ALL SELL OUT!...which is highly unlikely.
Interview (Baby Mario Bloops)
Welcome everyone to the latest interview, with your interviewer Baby Mario Bloops! Hope you love everyone's favorite character as he spills his thoughts on everything around him. With no translator as he been learning english lately, give a warm welcome to Yoshi!
Yoshi: Hmm...hard work!
Baby Mario Bloops: I guess, especially with your new role in Super Mario Galaxy 2. By the way, how is that going?
Yoshi: Not bad, annoying to turn fat when I eat the Blimp Berry.
Baby Mario Bloops: Yeah, but at least you help Mario. What is your favorite power-up in the game?
Baby Mario Bloops: That is a cool one. Do you have any spoilers for us about the upcoming game?
Yoshi: All I will say is that it is more challenging and more awesome than before, since I'm in it!
Baby Mario Bloops: Yeah, I can tell. Is Luigi going to be in it.
Yoshi: Probably, Mario and I aren't even finished with our journey yet.
Baby Mario Bloops: Wow, you get to play it yourself!?!
Yoshi: Who is the one that has to carry Mario?
Baby Mario Bloops: Oh! I thought you meant that you were playing it on the Wii.
Yoshi: Oh...well, that too.
Baby Mario Bloops: Well are time is winding down, may I ask one more question?
Yoshi: No problem.
Baby Mario Bloops: What are some of the Mario games that Nintendo is working on?
Yoshi: .........Sorry, got to go now! (Runs out of sight as he sprints away)
Baby Mario Bloops: Not again! Great, now we have to wait until E3 this june. Well, see you all in another long month! Goodbye!
Springtime is upon us once more, and with it comes baseball season! Opening Day was this past Monday, and the season began at sunny Mario Stadium. The defeated the 7-5 in a wild game that featured just about everything imaginable. Thanks to Red Pianta's two-run dinger in the second inning, the Fireballs held a 5-1 lead entering the fourth. The Muscles fervently responded in the bottom half of the inning, pegging two batters and eventually causing a bench-clearing brawl that took five minutes to break up. Once the game resumed, the Muscles were in control. Waluigi struck out seven of the last 19 batters he faced, and gave up only two hits and a walk after the fight. Thanks to three runs in the fifth and another in the sixth, the Muscles were able to tie the game at five. Then, Luigi booted a hard-hit grounder, and King Boo was able to cross the plate, giving his team their first lead on the year. Wario brought in an insurance run in the ninth on his first homer of the season, a 400-foot bomb to left-center. Both teams eagerly anticipate their next meeting, which comes in late June.
You know, to think that all the games I've introduced to you guys, had new characters is CRAZY! However, knowing that the game I'm about to show you has even MORE new characters is even CRAZIER!!! The games is called Super Mario Sailor. It's a 3-D game where you're on a ship with Princess Peach, and she falls off and you must save her! The whole game is under water! In this game, a variety of new characters and enemies appear. One of them is Captain McSail. He's a pianta who helps you find your way around the ocean. He is also the one driving the ship. Then there's Toadude. We all know there's Toad and Toadette, but Toadude is a teenage toad who is very cool. (Well, ToaDUDE) He teaches you special skills to help complete the game. A new enemy is the invisible blooper. This is a hard enemy to defeat because it sneaks up on you when it's invisible and you can't kill it when it's invisible. When it's invisible you'll only be able to see a slight outline of the blooper. Well that's all. The game comes out in 2040 for a system that has not been released yet. APRIL FOOLS!!! (not)
Shop (Travix Man)
This time around, I'm only giving out 2 locations. That's right, LOCATIONS!!!
- 1st item: Bowser's Castle (WHAT?!?! He's surrendering!!!)
- 1st info: It's yours now to get! Rule over the cruddy koopas!!! (only 1!!!)
- 1st price: 1000000000 coins (CRAZY PRICE!!!)
- 2nd Item: Peach's castle (She's surrendering too!!!)
- 2nd Item Info: Rule over the little mushroom mushes!!! Order them! Make them your slaves!!!
- 2nd item price: 10000000 (It's only 1 castle, and again, CRRRAZZZY!!!!)
To actually be honest, I stole them from the two. Why? They would kill me if I did. I did anyways. Bowser's too slow to get me, and peach's carrage would just drop her, first chance they will get.