WARNING: THIS ISSUE OF THE FAKE NEWS IS NOT FOR THE FAKE FAINT-HEARTED.
It was October 31st, 2011. I was in my local GAME store, trying to find a bargain in the pre-owned bin. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt a short, sharp jab on my right index finger. And then, hidden at the bottom of the pile, I found an odd-looking magazine, sealed in a plastic bag.
Written on the front of the magazine, in blood-red writing, were the words "THE 'SHROOM". This was so red, it almost looked like real blood. I was terrified. I dropped the magazine and shouted "Aaah! That looks like real blood!"
I tried wiping it off, but, because of the papercut I had sustained earlier, it only got worse. The magazine was now covered in blood. I tried turning the first page, but I got another papercut. That was odd, I thought. Looking back, that's the point where I should have known that continuing to read that magazine would have cost me dearly, but I wasn't one to miss out on gaming magazines, the last magazine I had picked up being Official Nintendo Magazine, which has, coincidentally, just released its last issue. Coincidence? I think not.
The only thing present on the front of the cover was a large image of somebody's face. It was a man with a disturbingly large nose and a pointy hat. I wondered for a minute whether it really was the pages of the magazine that gave me this papercut, or the pointy hat atop this man's head. The look on this man's incredibly long, incredibly ugly face was quite angry. Suddenly, it turned and LOOKED DIRECTLY AT ME! But I thought back then it was just doing that thing that paintings do when it looks like they're looking at you but they're not really.
I looked up at the cashier and asked "How much does this cost?".
He turned pale the moment I hold up the magazine. He hesitated for a second, before saying "Just take it.", almost inaudibly, yet so clearly it echoed down each of the vertebra in my spine.
As I returned to my house with the magazine, I could swear I felt the sensation you feel when somebody's following you, or when you're being watched, or something like that. I stopped in the middle of the road, looked around a bit, and then concluded that I was wrong and continued walking.
A minute or so later, I heard a voice whispering in my ear. I couldn't make out what it was whispering, but it almost felt Satanic. As in, like Satan, who is the evil guy from Hell! "Oh no, I strongly dislike Satan", I thought.
Nonetheless, I managed to get back to my house relatively unharmed. I made sure to lock the door behind me, and, once I was sure the coast was clear, I ripped the plastic cover off the magazine and tried to read it.
As I turned the page, the first thing I saw were the words "BLOOD!!!" written in blood! "Ahhhhh!", I shouted. But I felt slightly relieved when I saw it was just part of the "Director's Notes" section, which said the following:
"It took a lot of effort to clean up all the BLOOD!!! but ultimately the Awards after-party was a success!"
I breathed a sigh of relief. Before I read the rest, I had assumed something terrible had happened, or was going to happen to me, because blood is creepy. I scrolled through the rest of the pages and it seemed almost like a normal magazine: there was a Fun Stuff section which included a number of games, a Critic Corner section which included a number of reviews. But I was shocked at the kind of games and language they were using in that section. I thought it was meant to be for children, but a lot of the games were quite violent and a lot of the language was left uncensored. Worst of all, I read it in my mind with an Australian accent!
But the worst was yet to come. As I turned to the "Fake News" section, the image of the man with the large nose, wiry moustache, blue eyeliner and tired eyes POPPED UP OUT OF NOWHERE! The entire section was written in blood-red, and an even more realistic blood-red than the blood-red inlcuded on the cover of the magazine!
The sections themselves were quite terrifying. Obituaries, written by Yoshi876 (talk), apparently won something called "Section of the Month", with a blood-curdling 666 votes! (Note: '666' is commonly seen as the number of the devil). However, when I looked again, the number "666" was crossed out as if it was some kind of joke made beforehand. It wasn't funny. It actually won 27 votes. The number 639 was also relevant somehow. (Note: 27 + 639 = 666)
The other sections, the Peddler's Place and Dear Anton, became increasingly graphic as they went along. I had to turn away from the magazine for about five minutes before I could continue reading. The final section was only called "fake ads". It was only one line long, and said the following:
"I AM COMING, MCD"
I yelled "Aaaaahhh!" again. MCD was my name! They had no right to use it like that. I had had enough of this haunted magazine. I put the magazine up to my face and yelled "What do you want from me?" at it.
I turned the page and, amazingly enough, the magazine responded! You never see that in this kind of story! On the next page, it was written "CHECK THE BATHROOM."
I walked into my bathroom to find that, sitting in the middle of it, was a HYPER-REALISTIC SHARK!!!!! It was covered in bloodstains and smoking a pipe.
"What the hell was that?", I asked the magazine as I turned the next page.
"THAT WASN'T ME, I HAVE NO CLUE HOW THAT GOT THERE. BUT ANYWAY. I WILL DEFEAT YOU."
"Ha! It is I who will defeat you!"
I then turned the next page. "NO YOU WON'T"
I then turned the next page, and it said. "YES YOU DID"
I then pointed at the magazine and yelled "Ha! I didn't say anything!"
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. The front door, not the back door. The back garden was inaccessible from the front of the house, so for somebody to knock on the back door, they would have to jump over a few garden fences, which was, to be honest, too much effort if all you were planning to do was knock on the door.
With my hand trembling, I reached for the doorknob and opened the door. I was taken aback when I found the man on the front cover standing there, staring at me. I yelled in his face a couple of times, before asking him what he wanted.
"My name is Gamefreak75...my house was destroyed in some kind of Brick Block accident...I'm going to need to spend a few nights on your sofa...FOREVER!!!!!"
I fell to my knees and screamed "NOOOOOOOOO!"
The author later rolled up his copy of the 'Shroom and hit himself on the nose with it.
All eyes are to the West this month as October was marred by the disappearance of legendary climber Sir Weston, aged 30. The mountain explorer was the latest person to disappear recently, something that has been happening over the past few months. No-one knows where Sir Weston has disappeared to, but the police are fearing the worst as it has been discovered that like the previous victims his legs were revealed to have been chopped off the body. Police have identified no trend with the victims targeted, some have been small children like Henry and Orville, whereas others have been older like Shivers, some have been celebrities like Melody Pianissima, whereas others have been oddities like Madame Clairvoya.
Another artist’s impression of the missing
Sir Weston's family have appealed for whoever did this to turn themselves in and release Sir Weston, alongside the others who have been believed to have been captured. "He is an honest good-working man who did not deserve this, I pray he is found before harm comes to him," said his wife, Mrs. Weston. Others have described Sir Weston as a man who was afraid of nothing, and loved the cold. "He absolutely adores the cold, I get the feeling that if he is killed and becomes a ghost he’d put himself in a very cold place, and would become extremely angry at whoever freed him from his icy home," said one of his friends. We also went to interview a leading criminal psychologist, Professor Elvin Gadd, but he grew very nervous with the questions we asked leading us to believe that he is falling ill. Shame that the only doctor is currently away punching other patients in the face.
Another artist’s impression of the missing
In the aftermath of this disappearance, people are locking their daughters away houses as fears grow that they may become the next victim of the man dubbed “Professor Leg Grabber”. The police have assured citizens that they are safe, and that their king will make sure that nothing will happen to them. Although, after saying that Vincent Van Gore's studio is looking slightly empty.